WEBVTT

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(Half sound of the bell)

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(Bell)

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(FRENCH)
Dear Thay, dear Sangha

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I would like to ask
the following question:

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How to help a relative
take care of his suffering

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when he does not
acknowledge his suffering.

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I would like to give
some context for the question.

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This relative is my husband.

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He is the father of my three daughters.

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He is in a severe depression
since the end of March

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when our second daughter
had a severe accident.

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He loved her very much.

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Our second daughter,
who is fourteen years old,

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was hit by a car
and had a severe head injury.

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She spent two months in a coma.

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Miraculously she is alive,
and slowly she is improving.

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Plum Village chanted for her
during the Francophone retreat

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and we thank you all for that.

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My husband has a lot of pain and anger.

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And he does not accept the situation
which he finds unjust.

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It is a very difficult situation
for everyone.

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I had already felt this suffering in him
for some years before this.

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He expressed it in the form of
anger, blaming and impatience.

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He did not recognize it as his own.

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I also have my own suffering,
but at least I am aware of it.

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I have my own questions.

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It is very hard for me at present
to accept this big suffering, this test.

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I really hope our daughter
can get back to life.

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and that with our three children we can...

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use this situation, this test
to get back together

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and to become a family with
more calm, more joy and more peace too.

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So I repeat my question:

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How to help a relative
to transform his suffering

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when he does not
take this suffering to be his?

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(ENGLISH)
Dear Thay,

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This is the background for the question.

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She says: "My husband, the father
of our three daughters

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is in a deep depression since
the end of March this year.

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That was when our second daughter
who is fourteen years old

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had a severe accident.

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And he was very close with this daughter.

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The daughter had been hit by a car
and had a severe head injury.

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And she spent two months in a coma.

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Miraculously she is alive,
and slowly she is improving.

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Plum Village chanted for her in May
and we thank you for that.

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So my husband has a lot of pain and anger

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and does not accept the situation
which he considers very unjust.

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I had already felt in him a big suffering
before this happened for some years.

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It would manifest in the form
of anger, blaming and impatience,

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but he never recognized this
and I suffer from it.

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If our daughter can
come back fully into life

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I wish that this can make
a new beginning for our whole family

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to be able to live more
serenely and happily together."

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And so the question is:

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"How can we help someone close to us
to transform their suffering

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when they do not acknowledge it in them
they do not see it inside."

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Maybe someone recognizes

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his own weakness, his suffering,
but does not say it aloud.

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And we think he does not...

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we think he does not want to...

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recognize that he is suffering.

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But maybe...

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he may have accepted it,

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he may be aware of it.

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So we do not need him to say out loud:

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"I recognise that I have suffering...

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...and anger in me."

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We don't need him to practically say that.

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Maybe he has done it with himself.

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That he says that may be our need
rather than his need.

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Sometimes we have to use skillful means
in order to help a person.

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If we can't help directly then we can...

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help indirectly.

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Some things we should not
tell him directly,

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but someone else can help and tell him.

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Someone else may do it
better than ourselves.

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From time to time I have
disciples who need to be helped,

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but Thay does not try
to help them directly.

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Thay knows that disciple has
a brother or sister in the Dharma

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who can do it better than Thay.

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Because when you are of the same age,
it is easier for you to talk.

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So Thay asks another disciple
to go and help him.

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Thay does not have to do it directly.

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So there are friends, there are people
who have the same kind of wavelength,

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who can tell a story,
who can say something,

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who can bring that idea,

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who can bring that proposal
better than ourselves.

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We have tried a few times,
and we have failed.

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So we can always ask someone else
to do that for us.

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We do not want to take credit.

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And sometimes...

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we tell the story
of another person

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who is very much in the same situation.

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It is easier.

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So while listening to the story
of the other person

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reflection can take place in him,

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because it is easier for him to listen
to the story of another person

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than to listen to his own story.

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So there are many skillful means
in order to help a person.

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We need to have enough compassion.

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We need a lot of understanding.

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We have to understand ourselves.

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And we have to understand
the other person, his way,

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in order to offer the exact,
the appropriate help.

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We have to be patient

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and we have to be fresh and loving.

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A lot of patience.

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Everything we do in the day, whether
it be cooking, cleaning or washing

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can be an act of love,
can be an act of help.

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Our way of looking,
our way of smiling, our way of talking

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has a role to play
in that attempt to help.

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So the way we are, the way
we live our lives, is the foundation

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and not just what we want to say,
what we want to do to help.

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So Thay has also learned a lot
from being a teacher.

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He has to look into
the person of each disciple,

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and recognize everyone's strength,
weakness, suffering and difficulties

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and get a clear enough idea of

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what to say, what not to say,
what to do and what not to do

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in order to help such a disciple

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and think of when to say it,
when to do it.

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You have to look for
the right moment, the right place

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in order to do it or to say it
in order to help.

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Sometimes Thay has to wait three months.

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You have to give him, give her enough space.

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You should not push,

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because we understand,
we see the suffering.

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Love is patience.

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Patience is a mark of love.

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And we have to love ourselves first,

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before we can love the other person.

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We have to get enough calm,
and joy and peace for ourselves.

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And the practice helps.

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I had a disciple, a nun.

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She got arrested and put into prison
because of her peace activities.

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The prison is a very difficult
place to practice.

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But she tried to practice.

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The guards did not like to see her
practicing sitting meditation.

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They think...

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They see it as a challenge...

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a challenge against them.

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It means to them:

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"Being in prison
I don't have to suffer."

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So when you practice
sitting meditation in your cell

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he understands that you are defying him.

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So she needs to wait
until the lights are out

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in order to sit up.

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And she did walking slowly in her cell
in order to nourish herself and so on.

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It was a difficult situation,

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but she knew the practice.

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Not only can she
preserve herself in prison,

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but she could also help
the other prisoners to suffer less.

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So in difficult situations like that,
it is still possible for us to practice,

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to retain our hope, our freshness,
our love, our patience,

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in order to be able
to help the other person.

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(Half sound of the bell)

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(Bell)