(Half sound of the bell)
(Bell)
(FRENCH) Dear Thay, dear Sangha
I would like to ask the following question:
How to help a relative take care of his suffering
when he does not acknowledge his suffering.
I would like to give some context for the question.
This relative is my husband.
He is the father of my three daughters.
He is in a severe depression since the end of March
when our second daughter had a severe accident.
He loved her very much.
Our second daughter, who is fourteen years old,
was hit by a car and had a severe head injury.
She spent two months in a coma.
Miraculously she is alive, and slowly she is improving.
Plum Village chanted for her during the Francophone retreat
and we thank you all for that.
My husband has a lot of pain and anger.
And he does not accept the situation which he finds unjust.
It is a very difficult situation for everyone.
I had already felt this suffering in him for some years before this.
He expressed it in the form of anger, blaming and impatience.
He did not recognize it as his own.
I also have my own suffering, but at least I am aware of it.
I have my own questions.
It is very hard for me at present to accept this big suffering, this test.
I really hope our daughter can get back to life.
and that with our three children we can...
use this situation, this test to get back together
and to become a family with more calm, more joy and more peace too.
So I repeat my question:
How to help a relative to transform his suffering
when he does not take this suffering to be his?
(ENGLISH) Dear Thay,
This is the background for the question.
She says: "My husband, the father of our three daughters
is in a deep depression since the end of March this year.
That was when our second daughter who is fourteen years old
had a severe accident.
And he was very close with this daughter.
The daughter had been hit by a car and had a severe head injury.
And she spent two months in a coma.
Miraculously she is alive, and slowly she is improving.
Plum Village chanted for her in May and we thank you for that.
So my husband has a lot of pain and anger
and does not accept the situation which he considers very unjust.
I had already felt in him a big suffering before this happened for some years.
It would manifest in the form of anger, blaming and impatience,
but he never recognized this and I suffer from it.
If our daughter can come back fully into life
I wish that this can make a new beginning for our whole family
to be able to live more serenely and happily together."
And so the question is:
"How can we help someone close to us to transform their suffering
when they do not acknowledge it in them they do not see it inside."
Maybe someone recognizes
his own weakness, his suffering, but does not say it aloud.
And we think he does not...
we think he does not want to...
recognize that he is suffering.
But maybe...
he may have accepted it,
he may be aware of it.
So we do not need him to say out loud:
"I recognise that I have suffering...
...and anger in me."
We don't need him to practically say that.
Maybe he has done it with himself.
That he says that may be our need rather than his need.
Sometimes we have to use skillful means in order to help a person.
If we can't help directly then we can...
help indirectly.
Some things we should not tell him directly,
but someone else can help and tell him.
Someone else may do it better than ourselves.
From time to time I have disciples who need to be helped,
but Thay does not try to help them directly.
Thay knows that disciple has a brother or sister in the Dharma
who can do it better than Thay.
Because when you are of the same age, it is easier for you to talk.
So Thay asks another disciple to go and help him.
Thay does not have to do it directly.
So there are friends, there are people who have the same kind of wavelength,
who can tell a story, who can say something,
who can bring that idea,
who can bring that proposal better than ourselves.
We have tried a few times, and we have failed.
So we can always ask someone else to do that for us.
We do not want to take credit.
And sometimes...
we tell the story of another person
who is very much in the same situation.
It is easier.
So while listening to the story of the other person
reflection can take place in him,
because it is easier for him to listen to the story of another person
than to listen to his own story.
So there are many skillful means in order to help a person.
We need to have enough compassion.
We need a lot of understanding.
We have to understand ourselves.
And we have to understand the other person, his way,
in order to offer the exact, the appropriate help.
We have to be patient
and we have to be fresh and loving.
A lot of patience.
Everything we do in the day, whether it be cooking, cleaning or washing
can be an act of love, can be an act of help.
Our way of looking, our way of smiling, our way of talking
has a role to play in that attempt to help.
So the way we are, the way we live our lives, is the foundation
and not just what we want to say, what we want to do to help.
So Thay has also learned a lot from being a teacher.
He has to look into the person of each disciple,
and recognize everyone's strength, weakness, suffering and difficulties
and get a clear enough idea of
what to say, what not to say, what to do and what not to do
in order to help such a disciple
and think of when to say it, when to do it.
You have to look for the right moment, the right place
in order to do it or to say it in order to help.
Sometimes Thay has to wait three months.
You have to give him, give her enough space.
You should not push,
because we understand, we see the suffering.
Love is patience.
Patience is a mark of love.
And we have to love ourselves first,
before we can love the other person.
We have to get enough calm, and joy and peace for ourselves.
And the practice helps.
I had a disciple, a nun.
She got arrested and put into prison because of her peace activities.
The prison is a very difficult place to practice.
But she tried to practice.
The guards did not like to see her practicing sitting meditation.
They think...
They see it as a challenge...
a challenge against them.
It means to them:
"Being in prison I don't have to suffer."
So when you practice sitting meditation in your cell
he understands that you are defying him.
So she needs to wait until the lights are out
in order to sit up.
And she did walking slowly in her cell in order to nourish herself and so on.
It was a difficult situation,
but she knew the practice.
Not only can she preserve herself in prison,
but she could also help the other prisoners to suffer less.
So in difficult situations like that, it is still possible for us to practice,
to retain our hope, our freshness, our love, our patience,
in order to be able to help the other person.
(Half sound of the bell)
(Bell)