-
- Pay too much for cable,
you throw things.
-
When you throw things,
-
people think you have
anger issues.
-
When people think you
have anger issues,
-
your schedule clears up.
When your schedule clears up,
-
you grow a scraggly beard.
-
When you grow a scraggly beard,
-
you start taking
in stray animals.
-
And when you start taking
in stray animals,
-
you can't stop taking
in stray animals.
-
Stop taking in stray animals.
-
Get rid of cable and upgrade
to DIRECTV.
-
Call 1-800-DIRECTV.
-
- When you have cable and can't
find something good to watch,
-
you get depressed.
When you get depressed,
-
you attend seminars.
-
When you attend seminars,
you feel like a winner.
-
When you feel like a winner,
you go to Vegas.
-
When you go to Vegas,
-
you lose everything.
-
And when you lose everything,
-
you sell your hair
to a wig shop.
-
Don't sell your hair
to a wig shop.
-
Get rid of cable and upgrade
to DIRECTV.
-
Call 1-800-DIRECTV.
-
- When you pay too
much for cable,
-
you feel dejected.
-
When you feel dejected,
you need some comfort.
-
When you need some comfort,
you make a surprise visit home.
-
When you make
a surprise visit home,
-
you discover something new
about your parents.
-
When you discover something new
about your parents,
-
you speed off with tears
in your eyes.
-
And when you speed off
with tears in your eyes,
-
you drive into a pizzeria
that makes great baked ziti.
-
Don't drive into a pizzeria
that makes great baked ziti.
-
Get rid of cable and upgrade
to DIRECTV.
-
Call 1-800-DIRECTV.
-
- When you have cable
and can't record all your shows,
-
you feel unhappy.
When you feel unhappy,
-
you go to happy hour.
-
When you go to happy hour,
-
you're up for anything.
-
When you're up for anything,
-
you head to a Turkish bathhouse.
-
When you head to
a Turkish bathhouse,
-
you meet Charlie Sheen.
And when you meet Charlie Sheen,
-
you reenact scenes from
"Platoon" with Charlie Sheen.
-
Don't reenact scenes from
"Platoon" with Charlie Sheen.
-
Get rid of cable and upgrade
to DIRECTV.
-
Call 1-800-DIRECTV.
-
- When your cable's on
the fritz, you get frustrated.
-
When you get frustrated,
your daughter imitates.
-
When your daughter imitates,
-
she gets thrown out of school.
-
When she gets thrown
out of school,
-
she meets undesirables.
When she meets undesirables,
-
she ties the knot
with undesirables.
-
And when she ties the knot
with undesirables,
-
you get a grandson
with a dog collar.
-
Don't have a grandson
with a dog collar.
-
Get rid of cable and upgrade
to DIRECTV.
-
Call 1-800-DIRECTV.
-
- When your cable company keeps
you on hold, you get angry.
-
When you get angry,
you go blow off steam.
-
When you go blow off steam,
-
accidents happen.
-
When accidents happen,
-
you get an eye patch.
-
When you get an eye patch,
people think you're tough.
-
When people think you're tough,
people want to see how tough.
-
And when people want
to see how tough,
-
you wake up in a roadside ditch.
-
Don't wake up
in a roadside ditch.
-
Get rid of cable and upgrade
to DIRECTV.
-
Call 1-800-DIRECTV.
-
- When you have cable
-
and your picture freezes,
you get irritable.
-
When you get irritable,
your work suffers.
-
When your work suffers,
-
the wrong man is convicted.
-
When the wrong man is convicted,
-
he has time to think.
-
When he has time to think,
-
he thinks about you,
-
a lot.
-
And when he thinks
about you a lot,
-
your house explodes.
Don't have your house explode.
-
Get rid of cable and upgrade
to DIRECTV.
-
Call 1-800-DIRECTV.
-
- When you pay too
much for cable,
-
you feel powerless.
When you feel powerless,
-
you want to take the power back.
-
When you want to take
the power back,
-
you take karate.
When you take karate,
-
you want to use your karate.
-
When you want
to use your karate,
-
you become the fist of goodness.
-
When you become
the fist of goodness,
-
you run along rooftops.
And when you run along rooftops,
-
you fall into a dinner party.
-
Don't fall into a dinner party.
-
Get rid of cable and upgrade
to DIRECTV.
-
Call 1-800-DIRECTV.
-
- When you wait forever
-
for the cable guy,
you get bored.
-
When you get bored,
you start staring out windows.
-
When you start staring
out windows,
-
you see things you
shouldn't see.
-
When you see things
-
you shouldn't see,
you need to vanish.
-
When you need to vanish,
you fake your own death.
-
When you fake your own death,
you dye your eyebrows.
-
And when you dye your eyebrows,
-
you attend your own funeral
as a guy names Phil Schiffly.
-
Don't attend your own funeral
as a guy named Phil Schiffly.
-
Get rid of cable and upgrade
to DIRECTV.
-
Call 1-800-DIRECTV.
