WEBVTT

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- Pay too much for cable,
you throw things.

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When you throw things,

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people think you have
anger issues.

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When people think you
have anger issues,

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your schedule clears up.
When your schedule clears up,

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you grow a scraggly beard.

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When you grow a scraggly beard,

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you start taking
in stray animals.

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And when you start taking
in stray animals,

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you can't stop taking
in stray animals.

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Stop taking in stray animals.

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Get rid of cable and upgrade
to DIRECTV.

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Call 1-800-DIRECTV.

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- When you have cable and can't
find something good to watch,

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you get depressed.
When you get depressed,

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you attend seminars.

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When you attend seminars,
you feel like a winner.

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When you feel like a winner,
you go to Vegas.

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When you go to Vegas,

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you lose everything.

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And when you lose everything,

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you sell your hair
to a wig shop.

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Don't sell your hair
to a wig shop.

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Get rid of cable and upgrade
to DIRECTV.

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Call 1-800-DIRECTV.

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- When you pay too
much for cable,

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you feel dejected.

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When you feel dejected,
you need some comfort.

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When you need some comfort,
you make a surprise visit home.

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When you make
a surprise visit home,

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you discover something new
about your parents.

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When you discover something new
about your parents,

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you speed off with tears
in your eyes.

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And when you speed off
with tears in your eyes,

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you drive into a pizzeria
that makes great baked ziti.

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Don't drive into a pizzeria
that makes great baked ziti.

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Get rid of cable and upgrade
to DIRECTV.

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Call 1-800-DIRECTV.

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- When you have cable
and can't record all your shows,

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you feel unhappy.
When you feel unhappy,

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you go to happy hour.

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When you go to happy hour,

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you're up for anything.

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When you're up for anything,

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you head to a Turkish bathhouse.

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When you head to
a Turkish bathhouse,

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you meet Charlie Sheen.
And when you meet Charlie Sheen,

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you reenact scenes from
"Platoon" with Charlie Sheen.

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Don't reenact scenes from
"Platoon" with Charlie Sheen.

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Get rid of cable and upgrade
to DIRECTV.

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Call 1-800-DIRECTV.

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- When your cable's on
the fritz, you get frustrated.

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When you get frustrated,
your daughter imitates.

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When your daughter imitates,

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she gets thrown out of school.

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When she gets thrown
out of school,

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she meets undesirables.
When she meets undesirables,

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she ties the knot
with undesirables.

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And when she ties the knot
with undesirables,

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you get a grandson
with a dog collar.

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Don't have a grandson
with a dog collar.

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Get rid of cable and upgrade
to DIRECTV.

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Call 1-800-DIRECTV.

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- When your cable company keeps
you on hold, you get angry.

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When you get angry,
you go blow off steam.

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When you go blow off steam,

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accidents happen.

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When accidents happen,

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you get an eye patch.

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When you get an eye patch,
people think you're tough.

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When people think you're tough,
people want to see how tough.

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And when people want
to see how tough,

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you wake up in a roadside ditch.

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Don't wake up
in a roadside ditch.

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Get rid of cable and upgrade
to DIRECTV.

00:03:31.167 --> 00:03:36.059
Call 1-800-DIRECTV.

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- When you have cable

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and your picture freezes,
you get irritable.

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When you get irritable,
your work suffers.

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When your work suffers,

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the wrong man is convicted.

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When the wrong man is convicted,

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he has time to think.

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When he has time to think,

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he thinks about you,

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a lot.

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And when he thinks
about you a lot,

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your house explodes.
Don't have your house explode.

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Get rid of cable and upgrade
to DIRECTV.

00:04:03.999 --> 00:04:06.852
Call 1-800-DIRECTV.

00:04:06.876 --> 00:04:08.393
- When you pay too
much for cable,

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you feel powerless.
When you feel powerless,

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you want to take the power back.

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When you want to take
the power back,

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you take karate.
When you take karate,

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you want to use your karate.

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When you want
to use your karate,

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you become the fist of goodness.

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When you become
the fist of goodness,

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you run along rooftops.
And when you run along rooftops,

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you fall into a dinner party.

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Don't fall into a dinner party.

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Get rid of cable and upgrade
to DIRECTV.

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Call 1-800-DIRECTV.

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- When you wait forever

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for the cable guy,
you get bored.

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When you get bored,
you start staring out windows.

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When you start staring
out windows,

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you see things you
shouldn't see.

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When you see things

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you shouldn't see,
you need to vanish.

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When you need to vanish,
you fake your own death.

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When you fake your own death,
you dye your eyebrows.

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And when you dye your eyebrows,

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you attend your own funeral
as a guy names Phil Schiffly.

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Don't attend your own funeral
as a guy named Phil Schiffly.

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Get rid of cable and upgrade
to DIRECTV.

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Call 1-800-DIRECTV.