1
00:00:20,042 --> 00:00:23,727
- Pay too much for cable,
you throw things.

2
00:00:23,751 --> 00:00:24,975
When you throw things,

3
00:00:24,999 --> 00:00:26,975
people think you have
anger issues.

4
00:00:26,999 --> 00:00:28,894
When people think you
have anger issues,

5
00:00:28,918 --> 00:00:31,975
your schedule clears up.
When your schedule clears up,

6
00:00:31,999 --> 00:00:33,852
you grow a scraggly beard.

7
00:00:33,876 --> 00:00:35,018
When you grow a scraggly beard,

8
00:00:35,042 --> 00:00:37,018
you start taking
in stray animals.

9
00:00:37,042 --> 00:00:39,101
And when you start taking
in stray animals,

10
00:00:39,125 --> 00:00:41,975
you can't stop taking
in stray animals.

11
00:00:41,999 --> 00:00:43,975
Stop taking in stray animals.

12
00:00:43,999 --> 00:00:47,143
Get rid of cable and upgrade
to DIRECTV.

13
00:00:47,167 --> 00:00:50,976
Call 1-800-DIRECTV.

14
00:00:51,000 --> 00:00:53,685
- When you have cable and can't
find something good to watch,

15
00:00:53,709 --> 00:00:56,894
you get depressed.
When you get depressed,

16
00:00:56,918 --> 00:00:58,393
you attend seminars.

17
00:00:58,417 --> 00:01:01,768
When you attend seminars,
you feel like a winner.

18
00:01:01,792 --> 00:01:05,310
When you feel like a winner,
you go to Vegas.

19
00:01:05,334 --> 00:01:06,935
When you go to Vegas,

20
00:01:06,959 --> 00:01:08,560
you lose everything.

21
00:01:08,584 --> 00:01:10,518
And when you lose everything,

22
00:01:10,542 --> 00:01:12,975
you sell your hair
to a wig shop.

23
00:01:12,999 --> 00:01:15,226
Don't sell your hair
to a wig shop.

24
00:01:15,250 --> 00:01:18,351
Get rid of cable and upgrade
to DIRECTV.

25
00:01:18,375 --> 00:01:22,435
Call 1-800-DIRECTV.

26
00:01:22,459 --> 00:01:24,018
- When you pay too
much for cable,

27
00:01:24,042 --> 00:01:25,560
you feel dejected.

28
00:01:25,584 --> 00:01:27,976
When you feel dejected,
you need some comfort.

29
00:01:28,000 --> 00:01:30,975
When you need some comfort,
you make a surprise visit home.

30
00:01:30,999 --> 00:01:32,894
When you make
a surprise visit home,

31
00:01:32,918 --> 00:01:35,143
you discover something new
about your parents.

32
00:01:35,167 --> 00:01:37,518
When you discover something new
about your parents,

33
00:01:37,542 --> 00:01:39,975
you speed off with tears
in your eyes.

34
00:01:39,999 --> 00:01:42,560
And when you speed off
with tears in your eyes,

35
00:01:42,584 --> 00:01:45,268
you drive into a pizzeria
that makes great baked ziti.

36
00:01:45,292 --> 00:01:47,935
Don't drive into a pizzeria
that makes great baked ziti.

37
00:01:47,959 --> 00:01:50,560
Get rid of cable and upgrade
to DIRECTV.

38
00:01:50,584 --> 00:01:53,477
Call 1-800-DIRECTV.

39
00:01:53,501 --> 00:01:56,310
- When you have cable
and can't record all your shows,

40
00:01:56,334 --> 00:01:59,143
you feel unhappy.
When you feel unhappy,

41
00:01:59,167 --> 00:02:00,852
you go to happy hour.

42
00:02:00,876 --> 00:02:02,018
When you go to happy hour,

43
00:02:02,042 --> 00:02:03,727
you're up for anything.

44
00:02:03,751 --> 00:02:04,975
When you're up for anything,

45
00:02:04,999 --> 00:02:06,975
you head to a Turkish bathhouse.

46
00:02:06,999 --> 00:02:08,727
When you head to
a Turkish bathhouse,

47
00:02:08,751 --> 00:02:11,975
you meet Charlie Sheen.
And when you meet Charlie Sheen,

48
00:02:11,999 --> 00:02:15,268
you reenact scenes from
"Platoon" with Charlie Sheen.

49
00:02:15,292 --> 00:02:17,976
Don't reenact scenes from
"Platoon" with Charlie Sheen.

50
00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:21,059
Get rid of cable and upgrade
to DIRECTV.

51
00:02:21,083 --> 00:02:24,975
Call 1-800-DIRECTV.

52
00:02:24,999 --> 00:02:27,976
- When your cable's on
the fritz, you get frustrated.

53
00:02:28,000 --> 00:02:31,143
When you get frustrated,
your daughter imitates.

54
00:02:31,167 --> 00:02:32,810
When your daughter imitates,

55
00:02:32,834 --> 00:02:34,435
she gets thrown out of school.

56
00:02:34,459 --> 00:02:36,185
When she gets thrown
out of school,

57
00:02:36,209 --> 00:02:39,393
she meets undesirables.
When she meets undesirables,

58
00:02:39,417 --> 00:02:41,810
she ties the knot
with undesirables.

59
00:02:41,834 --> 00:02:43,810
And when she ties the knot
with undesirables,

60
00:02:43,834 --> 00:02:46,894
you get a grandson
with a dog collar.

61
00:02:46,918 --> 00:02:49,435
Don't have a grandson
with a dog collar.

62
00:02:49,459 --> 00:02:52,185
Get rid of cable and upgrade
to DIRECTV.

63
00:02:52,209 --> 00:02:56,685
Call 1-800-DIRECTV.

64
00:02:56,709 --> 00:02:59,975
- When your cable company keeps
you on hold, you get angry.

65
00:02:59,999 --> 00:03:03,185
When you get angry,
you go blow off steam.

66
00:03:03,209 --> 00:03:04,935
When you go blow off steam,

67
00:03:04,959 --> 00:03:06,059
accidents happen.

68
00:03:06,083 --> 00:03:07,602
When accidents happen,

69
00:03:07,626 --> 00:03:09,143
you get an eye patch.

70
00:03:09,167 --> 00:03:11,894
When you get an eye patch,
people think you're tough.

71
00:03:11,918 --> 00:03:14,975
When people think you're tough,
people want to see how tough.

72
00:03:14,999 --> 00:03:23,975
And when people want
to see how tough,

73
00:03:23,999 --> 00:03:26,310
you wake up in a roadside ditch.

74
00:03:26,334 --> 00:03:27,975
Don't wake up
in a roadside ditch.

75
00:03:27,999 --> 00:03:31,143
Get rid of cable and upgrade
to DIRECTV.

76
00:03:31,167 --> 00:03:36,059
Call 1-800-DIRECTV.

77
00:03:36,083 --> 00:03:37,393
- When you have cable

78
00:03:37,417 --> 00:03:39,975
and your picture freezes,
you get irritable.

79
00:03:39,999 --> 00:03:42,810
When you get irritable,
your work suffers.

80
00:03:42,834 --> 00:03:43,975
When your work suffers,

81
00:03:43,999 --> 00:03:45,975
the wrong man is convicted.

82
00:03:45,999 --> 00:03:48,059
When the wrong man is convicted,

83
00:03:48,083 --> 00:03:49,975
he has time to think.

84
00:03:49,999 --> 00:03:51,643
When he has time to think,

85
00:03:51,667 --> 00:03:52,975
he thinks about you,

86
00:03:52,999 --> 00:03:54,351
a lot.

87
00:03:54,375 --> 00:03:57,059
And when he thinks
about you a lot,

88
00:03:57,083 --> 00:04:00,975
your house explodes.
Don't have your house explode.

89
00:04:00,999 --> 00:04:03,975
Get rid of cable and upgrade
to DIRECTV.

90
00:04:03,999 --> 00:04:06,852
Call 1-800-DIRECTV.

91
00:04:06,876 --> 00:04:08,393
- When you pay too
much for cable,

92
00:04:08,417 --> 00:04:10,975
you feel powerless.
When you feel powerless,

93
00:04:10,999 --> 00:04:12,975
you want to take the power back.

94
00:04:12,999 --> 00:04:14,602
When you want to take
the power back,

95
00:04:14,626 --> 00:04:17,392
you take karate.
When you take karate,

96
00:04:17,416 --> 00:04:18,975
you want to use your karate.

97
00:04:18,999 --> 00:04:20,685
When you want
to use your karate,

98
00:04:20,709 --> 00:04:22,602
you become the fist of goodness.

99
00:04:22,626 --> 00:04:23,975
When you become
the fist of goodness,

100
00:04:23,999 --> 00:04:28,351
you run along rooftops.
And when you run along rooftops,

101
00:04:28,375 --> 00:04:30,268
you fall into a dinner party.

102
00:04:30,292 --> 00:04:31,975
Don't fall into a dinner party.

103
00:04:31,999 --> 00:04:34,935
Get rid of cable and upgrade
to DIRECTV.

104
00:04:34,959 --> 00:04:37,975
Call 1-800-DIRECTV.

105
00:04:37,999 --> 00:04:39,435
- When you wait forever

106
00:04:39,459 --> 00:04:41,477
for the cable guy,
you get bored.

107
00:04:41,501 --> 00:04:43,810
When you get bored,
you start staring out windows.

108
00:04:43,834 --> 00:04:45,393
When you start staring
out windows,

109
00:04:45,417 --> 00:04:47,310
you see things you
shouldn't see.

110
00:04:47,334 --> 00:04:48,602
When you see things

111
00:04:48,626 --> 00:04:50,226
you shouldn't see,
you need to vanish.

112
00:04:50,250 --> 00:04:52,975
When you need to vanish,
you fake your own death.

113
00:04:52,999 --> 00:04:55,810
When you fake your own death,
you dye your eyebrows.

114
00:04:55,834 --> 00:04:57,101
And when you dye your eyebrows,

115
00:04:57,125 --> 00:04:59,975
you attend your own funeral
as a guy names Phil Schiffly.

116
00:04:59,999 --> 00:05:03,351
Don't attend your own funeral
as a guy named Phil Schiffly.

117
00:05:03,375 --> 00:05:06,059
Get rid of cable and upgrade
to DIRECTV.

118
00:05:06,083 --> 00:05:09,083
Call 1-800-DIRECTV.