0:00:20.042,0:00:23.727
- Pay too much for cable,[br]you throw things.

0:00:23.751,0:00:24.975
When you throw things,

0:00:24.999,0:00:26.975
people think you have[br]anger issues.

0:00:26.999,0:00:28.894
When people think you[br]have anger issues,

0:00:28.918,0:00:31.975
your schedule clears up.[br]When your schedule clears up,

0:00:31.999,0:00:33.852
you grow a scraggly beard.

0:00:33.876,0:00:35.018
When you grow a scraggly beard,

0:00:35.042,0:00:37.018
you start taking[br]in stray animals.

0:00:37.042,0:00:39.101
And when you start taking[br]in stray animals,

0:00:39.125,0:00:41.975
you can't stop taking[br]in stray animals.

0:00:41.999,0:00:43.975
Stop taking in stray animals.

0:00:43.999,0:00:47.143
Get rid of cable and upgrade[br]to DIRECTV.

0:00:47.167,0:00:50.976
Call 1-800-DIRECTV.

0:00:51.000,0:00:53.685
- When you have cable and can't[br]find something good to watch,

0:00:53.709,0:00:56.894
you get depressed.[br]When you get depressed,

0:00:56.918,0:00:58.393
you attend seminars.

0:00:58.417,0:01:01.768
When you attend seminars,[br]you feel like a winner.

0:01:01.792,0:01:05.310
When you feel like a winner,[br]you go to Vegas.

0:01:05.334,0:01:06.935
When you go to Vegas,

0:01:06.959,0:01:08.560
you lose everything.

0:01:08.584,0:01:10.518
And when you lose everything,

0:01:10.542,0:01:12.975
you sell your hair[br]to a wig shop.

0:01:12.999,0:01:15.226
Don't sell your hair[br]to a wig shop.

0:01:15.250,0:01:18.351
Get rid of cable and upgrade[br]to DIRECTV.

0:01:18.375,0:01:22.435
Call 1-800-DIRECTV.

0:01:22.459,0:01:24.018
- When you pay too[br]much for cable,

0:01:24.042,0:01:25.560
you feel dejected.

0:01:25.584,0:01:27.976
When you feel dejected,[br]you need some comfort.

0:01:28.000,0:01:30.975
When you need some comfort,[br]you make a surprise visit home.

0:01:30.999,0:01:32.894
When you make[br]a surprise visit home,

0:01:32.918,0:01:35.143
you discover something new[br]about your parents.

0:01:35.167,0:01:37.518
When you discover something new[br]about your parents,

0:01:37.542,0:01:39.975
you speed off with tears[br]in your eyes.

0:01:39.999,0:01:42.560
And when you speed off[br]with tears in your eyes,

0:01:42.584,0:01:45.268
you drive into a pizzeria[br]that makes great baked ziti.

0:01:45.292,0:01:47.935
Don't drive into a pizzeria[br]that makes great baked ziti.

0:01:47.959,0:01:50.560
Get rid of cable and upgrade[br]to DIRECTV.

0:01:50.584,0:01:53.477
Call 1-800-DIRECTV.

0:01:53.501,0:01:56.310
- When you have cable[br]and can't record all your shows,

0:01:56.334,0:01:59.143
you feel unhappy.[br]When you feel unhappy,

0:01:59.167,0:02:00.852
you go to happy hour.

0:02:00.876,0:02:02.018
When you go to happy hour,

0:02:02.042,0:02:03.727
you're up for anything.

0:02:03.751,0:02:04.975
When you're up for anything,

0:02:04.999,0:02:06.975
you head to a Turkish bathhouse.

0:02:06.999,0:02:08.727
When you head to[br]a Turkish bathhouse,

0:02:08.751,0:02:11.975
you meet Charlie Sheen.[br]And when you meet Charlie Sheen,

0:02:11.999,0:02:15.268
you reenact scenes from[br]"Platoon" with Charlie Sheen.

0:02:15.292,0:02:17.976
Don't reenact scenes from[br]"Platoon" with Charlie Sheen.

0:02:18.000,0:02:21.059
Get rid of cable and upgrade[br]to DIRECTV.

0:02:21.083,0:02:24.975
Call 1-800-DIRECTV.

0:02:24.999,0:02:27.976
- When your cable's on[br]the fritz, you get frustrated.

0:02:28.000,0:02:31.143
When you get frustrated,[br]your daughter imitates.

0:02:31.167,0:02:32.810
When your daughter imitates,

0:02:32.834,0:02:34.435
she gets thrown out of school.

0:02:34.459,0:02:36.185
When she gets thrown[br]out of school,

0:02:36.209,0:02:39.393
she meets undesirables.[br]When she meets undesirables,

0:02:39.417,0:02:41.810
she ties the knot[br]with undesirables.

0:02:41.834,0:02:43.810
And when she ties the knot[br]with undesirables,

0:02:43.834,0:02:46.894
you get a grandson[br]with a dog collar.

0:02:46.918,0:02:49.435
Don't have a grandson[br]with a dog collar.

0:02:49.459,0:02:52.185
Get rid of cable and upgrade[br]to DIRECTV.

0:02:52.209,0:02:56.685
Call 1-800-DIRECTV.

0:02:56.709,0:02:59.975
- When your cable company keeps[br]you on hold, you get angry.

0:02:59.999,0:03:03.185
When you get angry,[br]you go blow off steam.

0:03:03.209,0:03:04.935
When you go blow off steam,

0:03:04.959,0:03:06.059
accidents happen.

0:03:06.083,0:03:07.602
When accidents happen,

0:03:07.626,0:03:09.143
you get an eye patch.

0:03:09.167,0:03:11.894
When you get an eye patch,[br]people think you're tough.

0:03:11.918,0:03:14.975
When people think you're tough,[br]people want to see how tough.

0:03:14.999,0:03:23.975
And when people want[br]to see how tough,

0:03:23.999,0:03:26.310
you wake up in a roadside ditch.

0:03:26.334,0:03:27.975
Don't wake up[br]in a roadside ditch.

0:03:27.999,0:03:31.143
Get rid of cable and upgrade[br]to DIRECTV.

0:03:31.167,0:03:36.059
Call 1-800-DIRECTV.

0:03:36.083,0:03:37.393
- When you have cable

0:03:37.417,0:03:39.975
and your picture freezes,[br]you get irritable.

0:03:39.999,0:03:42.810
When you get irritable,[br]your work suffers.

0:03:42.834,0:03:43.975
When your work suffers,

0:03:43.999,0:03:45.975
the wrong man is convicted.

0:03:45.999,0:03:48.059
When the wrong man is convicted,

0:03:48.083,0:03:49.975
he has time to think.

0:03:49.999,0:03:51.643
When he has time to think,

0:03:51.667,0:03:52.975
he thinks about you,

0:03:52.999,0:03:54.351
a lot.

0:03:54.375,0:03:57.059
And when he thinks[br]about you a lot,

0:03:57.083,0:04:00.975
your house explodes.[br]Don't have your house explode.

0:04:00.999,0:04:03.975
Get rid of cable and upgrade[br]to DIRECTV.

0:04:03.999,0:04:06.852
Call 1-800-DIRECTV.

0:04:06.876,0:04:08.393
- When you pay too[br]much for cable,

0:04:08.417,0:04:10.975
you feel powerless.[br]When you feel powerless,

0:04:10.999,0:04:12.975
you want to take the power back.

0:04:12.999,0:04:14.602
When you want to take[br]the power back,

0:04:14.626,0:04:17.392
you take karate.[br]When you take karate,

0:04:17.416,0:04:18.975
you want to use your karate.

0:04:18.999,0:04:20.685
When you want[br]to use your karate,

0:04:20.709,0:04:22.602
you become the fist of goodness.

0:04:22.626,0:04:23.975
When you become[br]the fist of goodness,

0:04:23.999,0:04:28.351
you run along rooftops.[br]And when you run along rooftops,

0:04:28.375,0:04:30.268
you fall into a dinner party.

0:04:30.292,0:04:31.975
Don't fall into a dinner party.

0:04:31.999,0:04:34.935
Get rid of cable and upgrade[br]to DIRECTV.

0:04:34.959,0:04:37.975
Call 1-800-DIRECTV.

0:04:37.999,0:04:39.435
- When you wait forever

0:04:39.459,0:04:41.477
for the cable guy,[br]you get bored.

0:04:41.501,0:04:43.810
When you get bored,[br]you start staring out windows.

0:04:43.834,0:04:45.393
When you start staring[br]out windows,

0:04:45.417,0:04:47.310
you see things you[br]shouldn't see.

0:04:47.334,0:04:48.602
When you see things

0:04:48.626,0:04:50.226
you shouldn't see,[br]you need to vanish.

0:04:50.250,0:04:52.975
When you need to vanish,[br]you fake your own death.

0:04:52.999,0:04:55.810
When you fake your own death,[br]you dye your eyebrows.

0:04:55.834,0:04:57.101
And when you dye your eyebrows,

0:04:57.125,0:04:59.975
you attend your own funeral[br]as a guy names Phil Schiffly.

0:04:59.999,0:05:03.351
Don't attend your own funeral[br]as a guy named Phil Schiffly.

0:05:03.375,0:05:06.059
Get rid of cable and upgrade[br]to DIRECTV.

0:05:06.083,0:05:09.083
Call 1-800-DIRECTV.