JIm Gaffigan - Mr. Universe - "McDonald's"

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[MUSIC]

[APPLAUSE]
>> I reference McDonald's a lot cause I go

to McDonald's.

>> [LAUGH]
>> I love the silence that follows that

statement.

>> [LAUGH]
>> Like I just admitted to support dog

fighting or something..

>> [LAUGH]
>> How could you, McDonald's?

>> [LAUGH]
>> It's fun telling people you go to

McDonald's.

They always give you that look like,
I didn't know I was better than you?

>> [LAUGH]
>> No one admits to going to McDonald's.

They sell 6 billion hamburgers a day.

There's only 300 million
people in this country.

It's like, I'm not a calculus teacher,
but I think everyone's lying.

>> [LAUGH]
>> You ever been to McDonald's and

you see a friend for a second?

You're like crap.

>> [LAUGH] [APPLAUSE]
>> Eventually,

I'm like, hey, hey, hey, what's going on?

>> [LAUGH]
>> And they're just like,

I'm just here for the 99 cent ATM,
what are you doing here, Jim?

>> [LAUGH]
>> I'm just meeting a ****.

>> [LAUGH]
>> Certainly not eating here,

that's for sure.

Yeah, he should be here by now, right?

>> [LAUGH] [APPLAUSE]
>> Cuz we all know better, right?

We've all read the article, seen those
documentaries, it's the same message.

Look, McDonald's is really bad for you.

It's very high in fat and calories, and we
don't even know where the meat comes from.

>> [LAUGH]
>> And we're all like, that's disgusting.

I'll have a Big Mac-
>> [LAUGH]

>> A large fry and

a two gallon drum of Diet Coke.

>> [LAUGH]
>> Cuz there's a McDonald's denial, and

we all embrace it.

No one's going in there innocent.

We're walking into a red and
yellow building with a giant M over it.

>> [LAUGH]
>> What, is this a library?

>> [LAUGH]
>> I'll get some fries while I'm here.

>> [LAUGH]
>> Cuz those McDonald's fries are truly

amazing, right?

>> [APPLAUSE]
>> Has your mother ever made anything

as good as a McDonald's fry?

>> [LAUGH]
>> Not even close.

>> [LAUGH]
>> We lie to ourselves when we eat

McDonald's.

We're always like, they're so
thin, they couldn't be fattening.

>> [LAUGH]
>> You ever eat too many McDonald's fries?

Of course not.

>> [LAUGH]
>> There's never enough of them.

[LAUGH]
>> There's always that moment when you're

eating McDonald's fries where you're like,
what happened?

>> [LAUGH]
>> Where'd they go?

>> [LAUGH]
>> Then search scrounging for

the fry crumbs.

So you're like-
>> [LAUGH]

>> That's just a piece

of paper from the straw.

>> [LAUGH]

>> But it was touching the fries, so.

>> [LAUGH]
>> Sometimes there's a loose fry

in the bag.

>> [LAUGH]
>> You know, the bonus fry?

>> [APPLAUSE]
>> So

like Jesus is up in heaven,
give him an extra fry.

>> [LAUGH]
>> Go pay it forward.

>> [APPLAUSE]
>> By the way, that's how Jesus sounds.

>> [LAUGH]
>> Or, at least I hope!

You wouldn't want to meet Jesus and
he's like, hey, y'all hide it.

>> [LAUGH]
>> You been turning that other cheek for

a reason.

>> [LAUGH]
>> That bonus fry,

it's never a regular sized fry,
it's always extra long.

You're like, how'd I miss you?

>> [LAUGH]
>> Bonus fry you get your own

ketchup packet.

>> [LAUGH]
>> You always savor the last fry you're

like I'm gonna turn this into ten bites.

>> [LAUGH]
>> I'll meet up with you later,

I got the bonus fry.

>> [LAUGH]
>> The fries are amazing.

For what seven minutes?

Then, they turn into something
that's likely not biodegradable.

>> [LAUGH]
>> You ever make the mistake of reheating

McDonald's fries in the microwave?

>> [LAUGH]
>> They become packing peanuts.

>> [LAUGH]
>> Doesn't stop you from eating them.

You're like,
these aren't even good anymore.

[LAUGH]
>> How are yours?

Yeah, yours aren't good either.

[LAUGH]
>> Fries can't get cold.

Shakes can't get warm.

You ever leave a McDonald's shake out for
an hour?

Reality sets in.

>> [LAUGH]
>> This isn't even made from milk.

>> [LAUGH]
>> Just some kinda chocolate mucus.

>> [LAUGH]
>> But

we know all this, we know those
McDonald's commercials aren't realistic.

I'd just like to see one commercial that
showed people five minutes after they ate

McDonald's.

>> [LAUGH]
>> [LAUGH]

>> Now I need a cigarette,

I deserve a cigarette break today.

>> [LAUGH]
>> But they get us in there.

Some of those deals they
offer are just cruel.

Two big macs for two bucks?

I drive by I'm like well I don't
want to lose money on this.

>> [LAUGH]
>> I'll get 80 of them.

>> [LAUGH]
>> I know some of you are like sorry

white trashy guy, I don't eat McDonalds.

I have friends that brag
about not going to McDonalds.

I would never go to McDonalds.

Well, McDonald's wouldn't want
you because you're a ****.

>> [LAUGH]
[APPLAUSE]

>> I'm tired

of people acting like they're
better than McDonald's.

So you may have ever set foot in
McDonald's but you have your own

McDonald's, maybe instead of buying
a Bic Mac you read us Weekly.

>> [LAUGH]
>> Hey, that's still McDonald's,

>> [LAUGH]

>> It's just served up a little different.

Maybe your McDonald's is telling yourself
that Starbucks Frappucino is not

a milkshake.

>> [LAUGH]
>> Or maybe you watch Glee.

>> [LAUGH] [APPLAUSE]
>> It's all McDonald's.

>> [APPLAUSE]
>> McDonald's of the soul.

Momentary pleasure followed by incredible
guilt, eventually leading to cancer.

>> [LAUGH]
>> I'm loving it.

>> [APPLAUSE]

>> We all have our own,

we all have own McDonald's it
may take me a while to digest my

quarter pound with cheese but
that Trump stamp is forever.

>> [LAUGH]

[MUSIC]

>> Mistake.

>> [LAUGH]
>> Really it’s all McDonald's out

there, right?

How can we all name three people
that have dated Jennifer Aniston?

It’s McDonald's.

>> [LAUGH]
>> And

we gobble it up just like those McDonald's
fries, it’s like, who is she dating now?

Nom nom.

I know I shouldn't but it's so salty.

Is she pregnant yet?

That's not even my business.

Scarlett Johansson got a haircut?

Why do I give a ****?

>> [LAUGH] [APPLAUSE]
>> Because it's McDonalds and

it feels good going down.

>> [LAUGH]
>> By the way,

if you care who Prince William married,
that's Burger King.

>> [LAUGH]
>> That's not even our gossip.

>> [LAUGH]
>> I just love the societal

outrage at McDonald's.

McDonald's, there's no nutritional value,
there's no vitamins!

McDonald's is like excuse me,
we sell burgers and fries.

We never said we're a farmers market.

>> [LAUGH]
>> Heck,

our spokesman is a pedophile
clown from the 70s.

>> [LAUGH] [APPLAUSE]
>> What do you want from us, America?

>> [APPLAUSE]
>> But I

was raised on McDonald's and I turned out,
well, maybe that's not the best reasoning.

>> [LAUGH]
>> McDonald's has given us so much.

We wouldn't know when breakfast
ends if there was no McDonald's.

>> [LAUGH]
>> I'd be eating eggs

at 5:00 PM like a moron.

>> [LAUGH]
>> Thank you, McDonald's.

How are we supposed to know St.

Patrick's Day is coming up
without the Shamrock Shake?

>> [LAUGH] [APPLAUSE]
>> Thank you, McDonald's.

Without McDonald's, how would I
communicate to the world that I give up?

[LAUGH]
>> [LAUGH]

>> Because,

if you're over the age of ten and
you're eating McDonald's,

you've given up a little bit.

It's all over for me.

>> [LAUGH]
>> These fries tastes good anyway.

>> [LAUGH] [APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC]