0:00:00.000,0:00:05.210
[MUSIC]

0:00:05.210,0:00:08.252
[APPLAUSE][br]>> I reference McDonald's a lot cause I go

0:00:08.252,0:00:09.326
to McDonald's.

0:00:09.326,0:00:12.633
>> [LAUGH][br]>> I love the silence that follows that

0:00:12.633,0:00:13.242
statement.

0:00:13.242,0:00:15.797
>> [LAUGH][br]>> Like I just admitted to support dog

0:00:15.797,0:00:16.970
fighting or something..

0:00:16.970,0:00:21.809
>> [LAUGH][br]>> How could you, McDonald's?

0:00:21.809,0:00:24.319
>> [LAUGH][br]>> It's fun telling people you go to

0:00:24.319,0:00:25.000
McDonald's.

0:00:25.000,0:00:28.792
They always give you that look like,[br]I didn't know I was better than you?

0:00:28.792,0:00:34.368
>> [LAUGH][br]>> No one admits to going to McDonald's.

0:00:34.368,0:00:37.843
They sell 6 billion hamburgers a day.

0:00:37.843,0:00:40.587
There's only 300 million[br]people in this country.

0:00:40.587,0:00:46.086
It's like, I'm not a calculus teacher,[br]but I think everyone's lying.

0:00:46.086,0:00:50.166
>> [LAUGH][br]>> You ever been to McDonald's and

0:00:50.166,0:00:51.274
you see a friend for a second?

0:00:51.274,0:00:52.432
You're like crap.

0:00:52.432,0:00:57.593
>> [LAUGH] [APPLAUSE][br]>> Eventually,

0:00:57.593,0:01:00.159
I'm like, hey, hey, hey, what's going on?

0:01:00.159,0:01:01.778
>> [LAUGH][br]>> And they're just like,

0:01:01.778,0:01:04.400
I'm just here for the 99 cent ATM,[br]what are you doing here, Jim?

0:01:04.400,0:01:08.667
>> [LAUGH][br]>> I'm just meeting a ****.

0:01:08.667,0:01:12.786
>> [LAUGH][br]>> Certainly not eating here,

0:01:12.786,0:01:14.038
that's for sure.

0:01:14.038,0:01:17.322
Yeah, he should be here by now, right?

0:01:17.322,0:01:22.751
>> [LAUGH] [APPLAUSE][br]>> Cuz we all know better, right?

0:01:22.751,0:01:27.127
We've all read the article, seen those[br]documentaries, it's the same message.

0:01:27.127,0:01:29.810
Look, McDonald's is really bad for you.

0:01:29.810,0:01:33.755
It's very high in fat and calories, and we[br]don't even know where the meat comes from.

0:01:33.755,0:01:37.760
>> [LAUGH][br]>> And we're all like, that's disgusting.

0:01:37.760,0:01:40.400
I'll have a Big Mac-[br]>> [LAUGH]

0:01:40.400,0:01:41.723
>> A large fry and

0:01:41.723,0:01:44.599
a two gallon drum of Diet Coke.

0:01:44.599,0:01:48.120
>> [LAUGH][br]>> Cuz there's a McDonald's denial, and

0:01:48.120,0:01:49.323
we all embrace it.

0:01:49.323,0:01:52.229
No one's going in there innocent.

0:01:52.229,0:01:56.020
We're walking into a red and[br]yellow building with a giant M over it.

0:01:56.020,0:01:59.329
>> [LAUGH][br]>> What, is this a library?

0:01:59.329,0:02:04.010
>> [LAUGH][br]>> I'll get some fries while I'm here.

0:02:04.010,0:02:07.323
>> [LAUGH][br]>> Cuz those McDonald's fries are truly

0:02:07.323,0:02:08.314
amazing, right?

0:02:08.314,0:02:10.366
>> [APPLAUSE][br]>> Has your mother ever made anything

0:02:10.366,0:02:11.746
as good as a McDonald's fry?

0:02:11.746,0:02:14.947
>> [LAUGH][br]>> Not even close.

0:02:14.947,0:02:17.326
>> [LAUGH][br]>> We lie to ourselves when we eat

0:02:17.326,0:02:17.944
McDonald's.

0:02:17.944,0:02:20.280
We're always like, they're so[br]thin, they couldn't be fattening.

0:02:20.280,0:02:25.382
>> [LAUGH][br]>> You ever eat too many McDonald's fries?

0:02:25.382,0:02:26.672
Of course not.

0:02:26.672,0:02:30.506
>> [LAUGH][br]>> There's never enough of them.

0:02:30.506,0:02:32.296
[LAUGH][br]>> There's always that moment when you're

0:02:32.296,0:02:34.988
eating McDonald's fries where you're like,[br]what happened?

0:02:34.988,0:02:39.946
>> [LAUGH][br]>> Where'd they go?

0:02:39.946,0:02:42.880
>> [LAUGH][br]>> Then search scrounging for

0:02:42.880,0:02:43.830
the fry crumbs.

0:02:43.830,0:02:48.330
So you're like-[br]>> [LAUGH]

0:02:48.330,0:02:49.252
>> That's just a piece

0:02:49.252,0:02:50.395
of paper from the straw.

0:02:50.395,0:02:53.430
>> [LAUGH]

0:02:53.430,0:02:58.225
>> But it was touching the fries, so.

0:02:58.225,0:03:00.656
>> [LAUGH][br]>> Sometimes there's a loose fry

0:03:00.656,0:03:01.251
in the bag.

0:03:01.251,0:03:03.240
>> [LAUGH][br]>> You know, the bonus fry?

0:03:03.240,0:03:06.720
>> [APPLAUSE][br]>> So

0:03:06.720,0:03:09.125
like Jesus is up in heaven,[br]give him an extra fry.

0:03:09.125,0:03:15.035
>> [LAUGH][br]>> Go pay it forward.

0:03:15.035,0:03:17.156
>> [APPLAUSE][br]>> By the way, that's how Jesus sounds.

0:03:17.156,0:03:19.371
>> [LAUGH][br]>> Or, at least I hope!

0:03:19.371,0:03:22.203
You wouldn't want to meet Jesus and[br]he's like, hey, y'all hide it.

0:03:22.203,0:03:26.020
>> [LAUGH][br]>> You been turning that other cheek for

0:03:26.020,0:03:26.653
a reason.

0:03:26.653,0:03:31.132
>> [LAUGH][br]>> That bonus fry,

0:03:31.132,0:03:33.847
it's never a regular sized fry,[br]it's always extra long.

0:03:33.847,0:03:35.242
You're like, how'd I miss you?

0:03:35.242,0:03:38.634
>> [LAUGH][br]>> Bonus fry you get your own

0:03:38.634,0:03:39.553
ketchup packet.

0:03:39.553,0:03:44.413
>> [LAUGH][br]>> You always savor the last fry you're

0:03:44.413,0:03:46.409
like I'm gonna turn this into ten bites.

0:03:46.409,0:03:48.800
>> [LAUGH][br]>> I'll meet up with you later,

0:03:48.800,0:03:49.819
I got the bonus fry.

0:03:49.819,0:03:54.260
>> [LAUGH][br]>> The fries are amazing.

0:03:55.470,0:03:57.720
For what seven minutes?

0:03:57.720,0:04:00.665
Then, they turn into something[br]that's likely not biodegradable.

0:04:00.665,0:04:04.637
>> [LAUGH][br]>> You ever make the mistake of reheating

0:04:04.637,0:04:06.282
McDonald's fries in the microwave?

0:04:06.282,0:04:08.365
>> [LAUGH][br]>> They become packing peanuts.

0:04:08.365,0:04:11.889
>> [LAUGH][br]>> Doesn't stop you from eating them.

0:04:11.889,0:04:13.583
You're like,[br]these aren't even good anymore.

0:04:13.583,0:04:15.930
[LAUGH][br]>> How are yours?

0:04:15.930,0:04:17.041
Yeah, yours aren't good either.

0:04:17.041,0:04:22.220
[LAUGH][br]>> Fries can't get cold.

0:04:22.220,0:04:23.420
Shakes can't get warm.

0:04:23.420,0:04:26.810
You ever leave a McDonald's shake out for[br]an hour?

0:04:26.810,0:04:28.005
Reality sets in.

0:04:28.005,0:04:30.825
>> [LAUGH][br]>> This isn't even made from milk.

0:04:30.825,0:04:34.745
>> [LAUGH][br]>> Just some kinda chocolate mucus.

0:04:34.745,0:04:42.060
>> [LAUGH][br]>> But

0:04:42.060,0:04:47.530
we know all this, we know those[br]McDonald's commercials aren't realistic.

0:04:47.530,0:04:51.100
I'd just like to see one commercial that[br]showed people five minutes after they ate

0:04:51.100,0:04:51.625
McDonald's.

0:04:51.625,0:04:56.890
>> [LAUGH][br]>> [LAUGH]

0:04:56.890,0:04:58.130
>> Now I need a cigarette,

0:05:00.290,0:05:02.275
I deserve a cigarette break today.

0:05:02.275,0:05:05.970
>> [LAUGH][br]>> But they get us in there.

0:05:05.970,0:05:09.280
Some of those deals they[br]offer are just cruel.

0:05:09.280,0:05:12.000
Two big macs for two bucks?

0:05:12.000,0:05:15.523
I drive by I'm like well I don't[br]want to lose money on this.

0:05:15.523,0:05:18.596
>> [LAUGH][br]>> I'll get 80 of them.

0:05:18.596,0:05:23.071
>> [LAUGH][br]>> I know some of you are like sorry

0:05:23.071,0:05:26.310
white trashy guy, I don't eat McDonalds.

0:05:26.310,0:05:29.600
I have friends that brag[br]about not going to McDonalds.

0:05:29.600,0:05:31.290
I would never go to McDonalds.

0:05:31.290,0:05:35.755
Well, McDonald's wouldn't want[br]you because you're a ****.

0:05:35.755,0:05:41.023
>> [LAUGH][br][APPLAUSE]

0:05:41.023,0:05:41.621
>> I'm tired

0:05:41.621,0:05:44.884
of people acting like they're[br]better than McDonald's.

0:05:44.884,0:05:48.276
So you may have ever set foot in[br]McDonald's but you have your own

0:05:48.276,0:05:51.927
McDonald's, maybe instead of buying[br]a Bic Mac you read us Weekly.

0:05:51.927,0:05:55.335
>> [LAUGH][br]>> Hey, that's still McDonald's,

0:05:55.335,0:05:56.010
>> [LAUGH]

0:05:56.010,0:05:58.760
>> It's just served up a little different.

0:05:58.760,0:06:02.570
Maybe your McDonald's is telling yourself[br]that Starbucks Frappucino is not

0:06:02.570,0:06:03.245
a milkshake.

0:06:03.245,0:06:06.003
>> [LAUGH][br]>> Or maybe you watch Glee.

0:06:06.003,0:06:10.565
>> [LAUGH] [APPLAUSE][br]>> It's all McDonald's.

0:06:10.565,0:06:13.090
>> [APPLAUSE][br]>> McDonald's of the soul.

0:06:14.340,0:06:18.855
Momentary pleasure followed by incredible[br]guilt, eventually leading to cancer.

0:06:18.855,0:06:23.415
>> [LAUGH][br]>> I'm loving it.

0:06:23.415,0:06:34.232
>> [APPLAUSE]

0:06:34.232,0:06:35.779
>> We all have our own,

0:06:35.779,0:06:40.329
we all have own McDonald's it[br]may take me a while to digest my

0:06:40.329,0:06:44.889
quarter pound with cheese but[br]that Trump stamp is forever.

0:06:44.889,0:06:46.943
>> [LAUGH]

0:06:46.943,0:06:49.464
[MUSIC]

0:06:49.464,0:06:50.726
>> Mistake.

0:06:50.726,0:06:54.710
>> [LAUGH][br]>> Really it’s all McDonald's out

0:06:54.710,0:06:55.780
there, right?

0:06:55.780,0:06:59.630
How can we all name three people[br]that have dated Jennifer Aniston?

0:06:59.630,0:07:00.935
It’s McDonald's.

0:07:00.935,0:07:01.650
>> [LAUGH][br]>> And

0:07:01.650,0:07:05.700
we gobble it up just like those McDonald's[br]fries, it’s like, who is she dating now?

0:07:05.700,0:07:06.530
Nom nom.

0:07:06.530,0:07:07.910
I know I shouldn't but it's so salty.

0:07:09.090,0:07:10.150
Is she pregnant yet?

0:07:10.150,0:07:11.530
That's not even my business.

0:07:11.530,0:07:13.440
Scarlett Johansson got a haircut?

0:07:13.440,0:07:14.532
Why do I give a ****?

0:07:14.532,0:07:18.689
>> [LAUGH] [APPLAUSE][br]>> Because it's McDonalds and

0:07:18.689,0:07:21.435
it feels good going down.

0:07:21.435,0:07:23.300
>> [LAUGH][br]>> By the way,

0:07:23.300,0:07:26.475
if you care who Prince William married,[br]that's Burger King.

0:07:26.475,0:07:30.853
>> [LAUGH][br]>> That's not even our gossip.

0:07:30.853,0:07:34.270
>> [LAUGH][br]>> I just love the societal

0:07:34.270,0:07:35.720
outrage at McDonald's.

0:07:35.720,0:07:39.540
McDonald's, there's no nutritional value,[br]there's no vitamins!

0:07:39.540,0:07:42.420
McDonald's is like excuse me,[br]we sell burgers and fries.

0:07:42.420,0:07:44.935
We never said we're a farmers market.

0:07:44.935,0:07:46.824
>> [LAUGH][br]>> Heck,

0:07:46.824,0:07:50.875
our spokesman is a pedophile[br]clown from the 70s.

0:07:50.875,0:07:54.304
>> [LAUGH] [APPLAUSE][br]>> What do you want from us, America?

0:07:54.304,0:07:59.241
>> [APPLAUSE][br]>> But I

0:07:59.241,0:08:03.325
was raised on McDonald's and I turned out,[br]well, maybe that's not the best reasoning.

0:08:03.325,0:08:07.520
>> [LAUGH][br]>> McDonald's has given us so much.

0:08:07.520,0:08:11.045
We wouldn't know when breakfast[br]ends if there was no McDonald's.

0:08:11.045,0:08:14.800
>> [LAUGH][br]>> I'd be eating eggs

0:08:14.800,0:08:16.096
at 5:00 PM like a moron.

0:08:16.096,0:08:19.807
>> [LAUGH][br]>> Thank you, McDonald's.

0:08:19.807,0:08:21.341
How are we supposed to know St.

0:08:21.341,0:08:24.173
Patrick's Day is coming up[br]without the Shamrock Shake?

0:08:24.173,0:08:28.642
>> [LAUGH] [APPLAUSE][br]>> Thank you, McDonald's.

0:08:28.642,0:08:33.631
Without McDonald's, how would I[br]communicate to the world that I give up?

0:08:33.631,0:08:36.039
[LAUGH][br]>> [LAUGH]

0:08:36.039,0:08:36.594
>> Because,

0:08:36.594,0:08:39.859
if you're over the age of ten and[br]you're eating McDonald's,

0:08:39.859,0:08:41.467
you've given up a little bit.

0:08:41.467,0:08:42.716
It's all over for me.

0:08:42.716,0:08:45.607
>> [LAUGH][br]>> These fries tastes good anyway.

0:08:45.607,0:08:47.350
>> [LAUGH] [APPLAUSE]

0:08:47.350,0:08:57.350
[MUSIC]