WEBVTT

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[MUSIC]

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[APPLAUSE]
>> I reference McDonald's a lot cause I go

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to McDonald's.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> I love the silence that follows that

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statement.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> Like I just admitted to support dog

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fighting or something..

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>> [LAUGH]
>> How could you, McDonald's?

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>> [LAUGH]
>> It's fun telling people you go to

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McDonald's.

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They always give you that look like,
I didn't know I was better than you?

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>> [LAUGH]
>> No one admits to going to McDonald's.

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They sell 6 billion hamburgers a day.

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There's only 300 million
people in this country.

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It's like, I'm not a calculus teacher,
but I think everyone's lying.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> You ever been to McDonald's and

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you see a friend for a second?

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You're like crap.

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>> [LAUGH] [APPLAUSE]
>> Eventually,

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I'm like, hey, hey, hey, what's going on?

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>> [LAUGH]
>> And they're just like,

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I'm just here for the 99 cent ATM,
what are you doing here, Jim?

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>> [LAUGH]
>> I'm just meeting a ****.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> Certainly not eating here,

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that's for sure.

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Yeah, he should be here by now, right?

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>> [LAUGH] [APPLAUSE]
>> Cuz we all know better, right?

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We've all read the article, seen those
documentaries, it's the same message.

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Look, McDonald's is really bad for you.

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It's very high in fat and calories, and we
don't even know where the meat comes from.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> And we're all like, that's disgusting.

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I'll have a Big Mac-
>> [LAUGH]

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>> A large fry and

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a two gallon drum of Diet Coke.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> Cuz there's a McDonald's denial, and

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we all embrace it.

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No one's going in there innocent.

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We're walking into a red and
yellow building with a giant M over it.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> What, is this a library?

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>> [LAUGH]
>> I'll get some fries while I'm here.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> Cuz those McDonald's fries are truly

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amazing, right?

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>> [APPLAUSE]
>> Has your mother ever made anything

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as good as a McDonald's fry?

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>> [LAUGH]
>> Not even close.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> We lie to ourselves when we eat

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McDonald's.

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We're always like, they're so
thin, they couldn't be fattening.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> You ever eat too many McDonald's fries?

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Of course not.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> There's never enough of them.

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[LAUGH]
>> There's always that moment when you're

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eating McDonald's fries where you're like,
what happened?

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>> [LAUGH]
>> Where'd they go?

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>> [LAUGH]
>> Then search scrounging for

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the fry crumbs.

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So you're like-
>> [LAUGH]

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>> That's just a piece

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of paper from the straw.

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>> [LAUGH]

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>> But it was touching the fries, so.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> Sometimes there's a loose fry

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in the bag.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> You know, the bonus fry?

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>> [APPLAUSE]
>> So

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like Jesus is up in heaven,
give him an extra fry.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> Go pay it forward.

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>> [APPLAUSE]
>> By the way, that's how Jesus sounds.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> Or, at least I hope!

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You wouldn't want to meet Jesus and
he's like, hey, y'all hide it.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> You been turning that other cheek for

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a reason.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> That bonus fry,

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it's never a regular sized fry,
it's always extra long.

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You're like, how'd I miss you?

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>> [LAUGH]
>> Bonus fry you get your own

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ketchup packet.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> You always savor the last fry you're

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like I'm gonna turn this into ten bites.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> I'll meet up with you later,

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I got the bonus fry.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> The fries are amazing.

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For what seven minutes?

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Then, they turn into something
that's likely not biodegradable.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> You ever make the mistake of reheating

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McDonald's fries in the microwave?

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>> [LAUGH]
>> They become packing peanuts.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> Doesn't stop you from eating them.

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You're like,
these aren't even good anymore.

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[LAUGH]
>> How are yours?

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Yeah, yours aren't good either.

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[LAUGH]
>> Fries can't get cold.

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Shakes can't get warm.

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You ever leave a McDonald's shake out for
an hour?

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Reality sets in.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> This isn't even made from milk.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> Just some kinda chocolate mucus.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> But

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we know all this, we know those
McDonald's commercials aren't realistic.

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I'd just like to see one commercial that
showed people five minutes after they ate

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McDonald's.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> [LAUGH]

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>> Now I need a cigarette,

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I deserve a cigarette break today.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> But they get us in there.

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Some of those deals they
offer are just cruel.

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Two big macs for two bucks?

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I drive by I'm like well I don't
want to lose money on this.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> I'll get 80 of them.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> I know some of you are like sorry

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white trashy guy, I don't eat McDonalds.

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I have friends that brag
about not going to McDonalds.

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I would never go to McDonalds.

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Well, McDonald's wouldn't want
you because you're a ****.

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>> [LAUGH]
[APPLAUSE]

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>> I'm tired

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of people acting like they're
better than McDonald's.

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So you may have ever set foot in
McDonald's but you have your own

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McDonald's, maybe instead of buying
a Bic Mac you read us Weekly.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> Hey, that's still McDonald's,

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>> [LAUGH]

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>> It's just served up a little different.

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Maybe your McDonald's is telling yourself
that Starbucks Frappucino is not

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a milkshake.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> Or maybe you watch Glee.

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>> [LAUGH] [APPLAUSE]
>> It's all McDonald's.

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>> [APPLAUSE]
>> McDonald's of the soul.

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Momentary pleasure followed by incredible
guilt, eventually leading to cancer.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> I'm loving it.

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>> [APPLAUSE]

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>> We all have our own,

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we all have own McDonald's it
may take me a while to digest my

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quarter pound with cheese but
that Trump stamp is forever.

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>> [LAUGH]

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[MUSIC]

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>> Mistake.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> Really it’s all McDonald's out

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there, right?

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How can we all name three people
that have dated Jennifer Aniston?

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It’s McDonald's.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> And

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we gobble it up just like those McDonald's
fries, it’s like, who is she dating now?

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Nom nom.

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I know I shouldn't but it's so salty.

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Is she pregnant yet?

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That's not even my business.

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Scarlett Johansson got a haircut?

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Why do I give a ****?

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>> [LAUGH] [APPLAUSE]
>> Because it's McDonalds and

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it feels good going down.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> By the way,

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if you care who Prince William married,
that's Burger King.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> That's not even our gossip.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> I just love the societal

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outrage at McDonald's.

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McDonald's, there's no nutritional value,
there's no vitamins!

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McDonald's is like excuse me,
we sell burgers and fries.

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We never said we're a farmers market.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> Heck,

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our spokesman is a pedophile
clown from the 70s.

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>> [LAUGH] [APPLAUSE]
>> What do you want from us, America?

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>> [APPLAUSE]
>> But I

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was raised on McDonald's and I turned out,
well, maybe that's not the best reasoning.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> McDonald's has given us so much.

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We wouldn't know when breakfast
ends if there was no McDonald's.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> I'd be eating eggs

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at 5:00 PM like a moron.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> Thank you, McDonald's.

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How are we supposed to know St.

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Patrick's Day is coming up
without the Shamrock Shake?

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>> [LAUGH] [APPLAUSE]
>> Thank you, McDonald's.

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Without McDonald's, how would I
communicate to the world that I give up?

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[LAUGH]
>> [LAUGH]

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>> Because,

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if you're over the age of ten and
you're eating McDonald's,

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you've given up a little bit.

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It's all over for me.

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>> [LAUGH]
>> These fries tastes good anyway.

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>> [LAUGH] [APPLAUSE]

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[MUSIC]