Ben Shapiro plays Sonic Adventure 2 | A Creepypasta

I am posting this story online in hopes that 
someone out there hears what I have to say

and believes me. My name is Ben Shapiro. I 
live an ordinary life in the United States.

Like most people I own a lot of libs, 
but I also own a lot of video games.

That’s right. Video games. I try not to talk about 
it much, but my favorite video game franchise is

Sonic the Hedgehog. It’s extremely popular among 
conservative talk show hosts for some reason.

But if we talk about it publicly, we 
are ostracized. Remember when Glenn

Beck was kicked off Fox News? That’s 
because of his segment on why Sonic

is better than Mario. So we try to 
keep quiet about our love of Sonic.

But one of my favorite pastimes is to 
collect rare and obscure Sonic games.

I own at least three Sonic pachinko machines and 
even own a signed copy of Sonic Dreams Collection.

I will often go to flea markets or garage 
sales looking for vintage Sonic games and other

merchandise. I have spent approximately sixty 
five thousand dollars on Sonic media, including

a very expensive commission of a drawing of me 
hanging out with Sonic and Knuckles at Six Flags.

But that was far from the biggest price I ever 
paid for Sonic. No. That day came just a few

weeks ago when my wife, who is a doctor 
by the way, and I walked into a Gamestop.

The building itself was decrepit and 
disgusting. The lights flickered grimly,

and half the shelves were basked in 
darkness. The whole place reeked of

body odor. There was a sullen look of despair 
on the face of every single person there.

There was truly a depressing presence 
hanging over every inch of that place.

In other words, it looked like a perfectly 
ordinary looking Gamestop. But it wasn’t.

This Gamestop housed a truly eldritch horror that 
I was unknowingly about to welcome into my life.

There was, of course, the standard 
affair of PlayStation and Xbox games.

Nothing too exciting. I had no interest in Red 
Dead Redemption 2 or Sekiro, Shadows Die Twice.

I have no interest in normie trash like that. 
Eventually, a display case in a dark corner of

the store caught my eye. Now we are talking. 
My wife, Dr. Shapiro, and I sauntered over

to the counter for a closer look. There were 
some random Gameboy and PlayStation games. But

what really surprised me was a CD with the words 
Sonic Adventure 2 written on it in black sharpie.

The Gamestop clerk walked over to us.

“Is there anything I can help you with?” she 
asked, her horrible breath wafting into my face.

“Yes,” I said. “What is the deal 
with this copy of Sonic Adventure 2?”

The woman scratched her head. 
“If I remember correctly,

some crazy lunatic brought that 
game in. He said it was haunted.”

“Really?” I asked.

She replied. “Look, I don’t fucking 
know. Now do you want it or not?”

“I’ll take it!” I exclaimed. My wife paid 
for the game and we quickly exited the

store. On the way home, I explained to 
my wife that Sonic Adventure 2 for the

Sega Dreamcast is far superior 
to the Nintendo GameCube port.

The GameCube port was horribly butchered. You 
would think the port was done by Democrats.

Yes, it’s that bad. When we finally got home, I 
dusted off my old Sega to give my new game a try.

The game started up perfectly normally. I breezed 
through the main menu and went to story mode.

Hero and Dark story were both already available 
as usual. But I noticed another story. Hell story.

I could not recall there being a Hell story when 
I first played Sonic Adventure 2. So that seemed

a little odd. But I was too excited to play some 
Sonic to think about it for very long. I selected

Hero story and was presented with the opening 
cutscene of Sonic jumping out of a helicopter.

The first level City Escape started 
up and I felt a rush of excitement.

My only complaint with this level is the lack of 
homeless people scattered throughout the streets.

This is clearly supposed to be San Fancisco, 
and we all know that liberal run cities are a

hotbed of homelessness and poverty. 
No wonder Sonic is trying to escape

from the city. Because liberal run 
cities are awful and I hate them.

It had been a while since I played 
Sonic Adventure 2, but had little

trouble handling the blue blur. I guess you 
could say I am a bit of a professional gamer.

I quickly made it to the chase sequence with the 
semi truck. But I noticed that there appeared to

be realistic human screaming whenever the truck 
ran over the cars on the sides of the road.

It sounded a lot like how some people 
scream when I own them with facts and logic.

Sonic was then cornered by a GUN 
agent inside a robot called Big Foot.

But every time Sonic hit the cockpit, the pilot 
would scream out in pain and call for his family.

Once I defeated him, the robot exploded and 
realistic chunks of blood and guts rained down

over the battlefield. I didn’t remember 
any of this from previous playthroughs,

but sometimes even extremely smart Harvard 
graduates like me forget one or two things.

Then my favorite Sonic the Hedgehog 
character appeared. Shadow the Hedgehog.

I was so excited that my voice almost raised 
by half a decibel. I know all the words to this

scene so well that I was mouthing along with 
the characters. Except there was one problem.

Shadow is supposed to say “My name is 
Shadow. I'm the world's ultimate life

form! There's no time for games. Farewell.” 
Instead he said this. “My name is Shadow,

and your days are numbered, Ben Shapiro.”

I have been threatened at least sixty times in my 
life, but never by a cartoon hedgehog. Needless to

say, this was quite unusual. Is it possible that 
the big tiddy goth girl who worked at Gamestop

was telling the truth? Was there some kind of 
evil force locked away inside the disc spinning

around inside my Dreamcast? Or maybe that half 
a Bud Light I drank was really getting to me.

I decided to keep a level head and push onward.

The next few levels went by without too 
much trouble. I’ve always been a fan of the

Knuckles and Tails levels. I have watched 
a lot of YouTube videos of people saying

these levels are not as good. But those 
people are morons. You heard me, morons.

Anyway, I made it to the scene where 
Amy breaks Sonic out of Guantanamo Bay.

I love this scene. Sonamy is easily my 
favorite ship. They have such great chemistry.

Seriously, do not try to tell me that Sonic 
belongs with Sally Acorn, or Princess Elise,

or Big the Cat. Amy is his one true love. 
I’m sorry, but hedgehog marriage should be

between a hedgehog and a hedgehog. Otherwise, the 
entire society of Mobius would collapse. I have

done quite a bit of research on this so do not 
even bother trying to debate me in the threads.

Getting back to the game. I noticed something 
a little strange during the Guantanamo Bay

cut scene. In the jail cell are copious 
amounts of notes written by Gerald Robotnik.

But I noticed a different note sprawled 
along the wall in hyper realistic blood.

It said “I’m coming for you Ben Shapiro.” 
I had no idea what to make of this.

Was this some kind of visual glitch? Sonic 
Adventure 2 is a pretty old game, after all.

It was at this point that I was getting very 
tired. I had a busy day of talking about how

all people on Medicaid are freeloaders ahead 
of me and I needed my beauty rest. I turned off

the Dreamcast, got up to stretch and made my way 
for the bathroom until I heard a faint whisper.

A faint whisper that shook me to my very core. 
It said “Hey I’ll play with you some other time!”

And it almost sounded like Sonic. It sounded 
somewhat like Ryan Drummond, but there was

a hint of Jaleel White. Maybe a touch of Jason 
Griffith and a splash of Roger Craig Smith. Also

there was some Martin Burke and Ben Schwartz too, 
as well as Jaleel White. I immediately wet myself.

Possibly out of fear, or possibly because I have 
poor control of my bladder, or possibly both.

I put on my jammies and hopped 
into bed with Doctor Shapiro,

who is also my wife by the way. I 
tossed and turned for several hours.

Sleep eluded me. My mind was racing with thoughts 
about what had just happened. Am I going crazy?

“No. You are not going crazy.” The voice 
came from the foot of my bed. I looked

up and saw Reggie Fils-Aimé, 
the former C.E.O. of Nintendo,

standing over me. “You are not crazy,” he said 
in a calm voice. “You are in terrible danger.”

“What are you doing here?” I asked Reggie 
Fils-Aimé. “You are on the board of directors

at Gamestop. Aren’t you busy trying to 
keep your company from going bankrupt?”

“That is why I am here.” Reggie’s 
voice boomed throughout the room.

“Customer service is very important to me. And 
I fear that you are in trouble of having bad

customer service. You see, the video game 
you purchased from Gamestop is haunted.

If you are not careful, you 
could meet a grizzly fate.”

I was very annoyed that Reggie was talking to 
me this way. “Listen here Reggie,” I said in a

stern voice. “If you don’t get out of my house 
I will grab my shotgun and make you leave.”

Reggie chuckled. “HA HA HA HA! You don’t 
understand. I am not in your house.”

Reggie snapped his fingers. The walls and floor of 
my bedroom began to dissolve. I turned to my wife.

Doctor Mor Shapiro, but she was already gone. 
It was just Reggie and I alone in a dark void.

I looked over to Reggie, who had a smug grin on 
his face. “What are you?” I asked in disbelief.

Reggie walked closer. “Do you really think 
they let anyone be the C.E.O. of Nintendo?

Absolutely not. My powers far exceed 
those of any human. Including you,

Ben Shapiro. So I think it’s about time 
you started treating me with respect.

And if you don’t listen to me now, things 
could end very badly for you, my friend.”

Reggie Fils-Aimé was right. “Well then spit it 
out!” I said. “What is going to happen to me?”

Reggie snapped his fingers again. We were 
transported to a living room covered in

blood. Forensics teams were taking pictures. 
I looked over and saw two men kneeled over

by the television. The screen was broken, and 
an overturned Sega Dreamcast was next to it.

“I can’t believe it!” One of the 
men said. “It appears to be some

kind of quill. Like from a 
hedgehog. But it’s blue.”

“That is impossible!'' The second man 
shouted. “Hedgehogs are not blue, dumbass.”

“Would you just shut up and 
let me do my job, dickhole?”

The two men faded away, along with 
the rest of the gruesome scene.

“Do you understand now?” Reggie asked. “If you 
keep playing that game, you will be killed.”

My hands were shaking. My lips were 
trembling. My throat was a little scratchy.

“Was this really the work of 
Sonic the Hedgehog?” I asked.

“I’m afraid so.” Reggie sighed.

“I can’t believe Sonic would 
do this.” I started sobbing.

Reggie patted me on the back. “It’s 
not that surprising, honestly.

Sonic has always been a bad boy.”

“What am I supposed to play now?” I 
asked. “How can I go on without Sonic.”

Reggie comforted me. “It’s okay. I’ll tell you 
what. Super Mario 3D All Stars is now on sale.

I can put one aside for you to 
pick up at Gamestop tomorrow.”

I froze. Suddenly, everything became clear to me.

I chuckled. “You just overplayed 
your hand, Reggie boy.”

“What are you talking about?” Reggie 
said defensively. “Don’t you want to

play Super Mario 64 with updated HUD sprites?”

I laughed in Reggie’s face. “So this was all 
a ruse to trick me into denouncing Sonic?

You have some impressive powers, magic man. But 
it will take more than that to fool Ben Shapiro.”

Reggie’s face turned red. “Listen to me!” he 
shouted. “Sonic the Hedgehog is a murderer.

You are doomed if you keep playing that game.”

I laughed even harder. “Oh yeah, 
and is Master Chief a pedophile?”

Reggie fell silent. “Alright, Ben. If 
you want to keep playing that game,

I won’t stop you. But I hope your body is 
ready. I hope it is ready to experience pain

and agony like you have never known before. 
I hope your mind and spirit are prepared

for the wrath of Sonic. Very few people 
are more powerful than me. Doug Bowser,

Shigeru Miyamoto, the Nostalgia Critic. But 
Sonic is very close. You won’t be able to

beat him on your own. So if you need help, 
just call out to me. And I’ll be there.”

I rolled my eyes. “God, you are more annoying than 
Alexandria Ocasio Cortez. Just get me out of here

already.” Reggie Fils-Aimé stood silently for 
a moment. I could see the conflict in his face.

Perhaps he was being honest. Or maybe he was upset 
that he couldn’t trick me. It did not matter at

this point. I love Sonic, and it is impossible for 
anyone to change that. Reggie snapped his fingers

one last time. I was suddenly back in bed, sweat 
running down my brow. Was it all just a dream?

I calmed myself down. Alright Ben, let’s 
think about this factually and logically.

Reggie Fils-Aimé does not have magic powers. Super 
Mario 3D All Stars is a lazy port and a rip off.

Hedgehogs do not actually exist. I went to the 
bathroom and splashed some water on my face.

When I turned off the tap, I 
heard music off in the distance.

I would know that music anywhere. It was 
the song my wife and I danced to during our

wedding. It was the menu theme of Sonic 
Adventure 2. Also my wife is a doctor.

I stumbled, half asleep into the living room. Sure 
enough, Sonic Adventure 2 was on the television.

Silly me. I must have forgotten to turn it off. 
I stepped towards the game console, then stopped.

After that nightmare, it might be better to stay 
up for a while. What harm could there be in that.

I sat down on the couch, grabbed the controller 
and set my gaze on the television screen,

which illuminated the dark room 
with comforting, familiar light.

The game was already on the story select screen. 
The cursor hovered over that mysterious third game

mode, Hell Story. I’m not sure what provoked me 
to select that option. Was it simply curiosity?

Or was it some kind of self hatred? Was I trying 
to prove something? Even on the other side of all

this, I’m still not sure. What goes through a 
man’s mind while he is ruining his life? Is any

thought justified? All my accolades and knowledge. 
Is it all worthless in the face of one stupid act?

Hell Story started off with a cutscene of 
Dr. Eggman. I love Dr. Eggman. Shadow might

be my favorite, but Eggman is the character I 
relate to. Amazing physique, incredibly high IQ,

completely misunderstood. Dr. Eggman also 
reminds me of my wife for some reason.

I’m not sure why. But something was clearly 
very wrong with Eggman in this cutscene.

He was sitting alone on the floor of the 
Space Colony ARK, sobbing quietly to himself.

“Please!” He cried. “Don’t do it. 
I’ll put my evil past behind me.

I will never defame the moon again. 
I’ll return the Chaos Emeralds.

Just please. Don’t. kill. Me.” Eggman’s 
words were trembling at this point.

Suddenly another figure came into view. It was 
Sonic the Hedgehog. And he was holding a gun.

“Sorry Eggman, but I can’t let you live any 
longer.” Sonic cocked his gun. “Now get a load

of this.” The screen went dark. Bang. I couldn’t 
believe it. Doctor Eggman was fucking dead.

A loading screen popped up for the first level. It 
was a Knuckles level. It was called Escape Pod. I

had to collect three keys to unlock the door to 
the escape bay of the space colony. There was

also a time limit of eleven minutes and thirty 
four seconds. The level was actually quite fun.

I even felt like a kid again. But Sonic’s voice 
would frequently come over the intercom. “I’m

coming to get you, Knuckles.” “You are running 
out of time. And then you are next, Ben Shapiro.”

This put a bit of a damper on my experience but 
I still really enjoyed the level. The next level

was a Tails level. I had to make it to the 
escape pod that I had unlocked as Knuckles.

The strangest thing about this level 
was that there were no enemies or music.

It was just Tails walking through 
a dark and lonely spaceship.

It reminded me of my last birthday party. Sonic 
would come over the intercom in this level too.

He said such awful things. “I am going 
to kill you Tails.” “You are dead Tails.”

I beat the level without too much trouble. But 
when Tails arrived at the escape pod, Knuckles was

nowhere to be found. Tails cried out for him, but 
there was no response. Tails then started weeping.

Between the sobs, I could hear faint footsteps. 
I knew those footsteps anywhere. It was Sonic.

“Hey Tails!” Sonic called out. “Did 
you see what I did to Baldy McNosehair?

I think we should change his 
name to Corpsey McNoface.”

“Why are you doing this?” Tails cried. “You’re 
a good guy! You are supposed to help people!”

Sonic laughed. “I am helping people, 
Tails. It might not seem like it,

but there are some very bad people 
who need to be taught a lesson.”

Sonic looked straight at the camera. “There are 
some very bad people, indeed.” He pointed his

gun right at me. I’m not sure what it was, but 
I somehow knew I was in great danger. I ducked

out of the way of the television. The screen 
shattered as a bullet flew through the glass.

The bullet grazed my leg as 
I tumbled down to the floor.

Sonic the Hedgehog had just tried to kill me. I 
was in complete shock. I haven’t felt this way

since Obama won the 2012 election. My entire 
life was now in shambles. My hero, my friend,

my first love just tried to kill me. The words 
of Reggie Fils-Aimé rang through my head. Sonic

has always been a bad boy. It was true. But why 
me? Why Ben Shapiro? Everybody loves Ben Shapiro.

And then it hit me. “Oh my 
god. Sonic must be a liberal.”

Environmentalist themes are rampant in Sonic 
games, the fact that Sonic always runs around

in the nude, the fact that his fur is blue. 
I pulled out my phone and Googled “Is Sonic

the Hedgehog a democrat?” I found an image of a 
Bernie Sanders rally. And sure enough. There he

was hidden in the crowd. Sonic the Hedgehog. He 
was holding a sign up that said “Free Healthcare

for All”. I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach. 
How could this be? Why did I never notice?

Rivers of blood were running down my leg at 
this point. I called out “Is there a doctor

in the house?!” To my dismay, my wife, who 
is a doctor by the way, had just gone out

for milk. So there was in fact no doctor in 
the house. I crafted a makeshift tourniquet

out of copies of the Constitution that I keep 
in every single drawer of my house. I was no

longer bleeding like a stuck pig, but I knew I 
would lose consciousness soon if I didn't act.

Suddenly, I heard a loud shattering sound come 
from the guest room. Oh my God. It must have been

the other television. I limped over to the room 
to see that it was empty. The television appeared

to have been broken from the inside. Sonic was 
inside the house. I could tell. I scanned the

room for any sign of where he might have gone. I 
saw that the guest closet door was closed. Gotcha,

I whispered under my breath. I reached under 
the guest bed and pulled out my shotgun.

I crept up to the door. I heard heavy breathing 
coming from the other side. I cocked my shotgun,

stuck it up against the door, and fired.

A loud howling erupted from the other 
side of the door. Sonic was finished.

I opened the door and flicked on the light to get 
a better view of my handiwork. My jaw dropped as

the shotgun slipped out of my hands and onto the 
ground. I had just shot Knuckles the Echidna.

“Fuck! Holy Fuck! Jesus Christ! You just

fucking shot me!” Knuckles bawled. 
“What the hell is wrong with you?!”

“I am so sorry. I am so sorry.”I told him.

“You fucking idiot! You 
shot me! You goddamn moron!”

“Hey, I happen to have a 
very high IQ.” I told him.

Knuckles continued screaming for a 
minute or two until falling silent.

He was dead. A painful silence filled the 
room. My mind was racing, but at the same time,

it was also completely blank. They don’t 
prepare you for this at Harvard Law School.

I picked the shotgun back up and 
stumbled back into the living room.

The Sega Dreamcast was gone. “I know you are 
here, Sonic!” I shouted. “So just come out now!”

Silence. My eyes kept darting all around 
the room. He could be anywhere I thought.

The adrenaline in my system that was keeping 
my leg from hurting was starting to wear off.

Fatigue was setting in. Shit. 
If I don’t deal with Sonic soon,

I’m a goner. Out of the corner of my eye, 
I thought I saw something in the kitchen.

Bang!

It was nothing. Then a chilling realization hit 
me. I was out of bullets. Then I heard his voice.

“You should be careful, Ben. Are you 
not aware that seventy percent of

accidental gun deaths occur in 
the home? If you are not careful,

your love of the second amendment is going 
to get you killed. And we wouldn’t want that,

would we?” Fear cascaded through my nervous 
system. I tried to pinch myself awake,

but this was no dream. This was reality. 
I took a deep breath and turned around.

There he was. Sonic the Hedgehog. Hyper 
realistic blood running down his face.

My first thought was to run. But I knew that 
would be pointless. I knew that he could snap

my neck in a millisecond if he wanted to. I was 
a fly caught in his web. And I knew he wanted to

take his time with me. To torture me. To put me 
in so much pain that I would forget my own name

or even forget what a disaster the 
Affordable Care Act was. I was doomed.

“Don't worry, buddy.” Sonic taunted. “This 
will only hurt a lot.” He started to walk

closer towards me. Each step like the gong of 
a bell in my ears. I never should have walked

into the Gamestop. How could the free market 
have done this to me. I had only one hope.

I cried out for Reggie. He was 
the only one who could stop this.

There is no way he would let 
Gamestop get bad publicity like this.

As Sonic stepped closer, a cloud 
of smoke appeared. Out of the fog,

Reggie Fils-Aimé appeared. 
“Thank God, you came!” I smiled.

“Anything for a customer.” Reggie 
turned his attention towards Sonic,

who was still smiling with 
his smug smile that he does.

“So, you called on your big brother to 
help you out, Ben. That is so sweet.

I guess I will have to get rid of you both then. 
I have always wanted to get my hands on Mario.

But I guess you will have to do, Reggie.”

“Silence!” Reggie’s voice boomed throughout the 
house. “You will never defeat me Sonic. I am but

a mere projection of the real Reggie Fils-Aimé. 
But I am still ten times stronger than you could

ever hope to be. You are nothing more than a stain 
on the world of gaming. You should have been wiped

out years ago, but you keep hanging on. You are 
quite resilient. I am afraid that your resilience

ends tonight. I will do all in my power to destroy 
you, Sonic. You will never again torture any-”

Sonic leapt forward, jamming 
his knee into Reggie’s stomach.

Reggie yelled out in disbelief before 
exploding into a puff of smoke.

“What. How. Did.” I stuttered 
my words in absolute fear.

Sonic dusted himself off.” I knew 
he was too weak to handle me.

After all. Sega does what Nintendon’t.” 
The room was spinning at this point.

I spun around towards the front door. Maybe 
if I could just get outside, I would be safe.

I started towards the door, but collapsed due to 
exhaustion. Sonic started laughing at me. I could

tell by his laugh that he was absolutely giddy 
as he watched me try to escape with my life.

“Come on, Ben!” Sonic said. “We could go to 
Six Flags. Just like you’ve always wanted. You,

me, Knuckles. Oh wait, you killed Knuckles, 
didn’t you. That was very naughty of you, Ben,

I think you’re going to need a time out. A 
permanent time out!” I was at the door at this

point, my bloody hand struggling to get a grip on 
the knob. Sonic walked closer. End of the line.

Suddenly the door opened. Dr. Shapiro, my 
wife, was back with the milk. “Oh my God!”

She screamed. “Ben, are you okay!” I tried to 
speak but I was too tired to move my mouth.

For once in my life, I was speechless.

“You!” Sonic shouted in disbelief. “What are you 
doing here?” I was confused by Sonic’s words,

but I knew I needed medical attention right away.

With what little strength I had left, 
I looked at my wife and pleaded.

“Please dear, I need a doctor.”

My wife looked at me, revealing 
a pain hidden in her eyes.

“I have to tell you something, Ben. I am 
not really a doctor. I was never a doctor.”

“What!?” I said. “Of course you are!”

“No.” She said. “I have been lying about my 
entire life. You see, I am a demon hunter.

And I have been hunting Sonic the Hedgehog 
for decades now. You see, Sonic is a Demon.”

“What!” I cried. My wife sighed.

“I come from a place known as Genocide City. At 
least that is what everyone called it after Sonic

killed everyone there. My mother hid me under 
the floorboards so Sonic didn’t get me. I have

spent my whole life training so that one day I 
could finally defeat him. I knew that Sonic hated

conservatives. And I knew that you were obsessed 
with finding anything related to Sonic. So I

decided to marry you as a way to find Sonic. That 
day has finally come. Don’t worry, Ben. I will

take it from here.” My wife pulled out a giant 
sword. “Alright Sonic,” she said. “Let’s dance.”

Sonic ran straight into my wife, pushing them 
both through the front door of the house.

They began fighting out on our 
open lawn, moving so quickly I

could hardly tell which blurry figure was 
my wife and which one was Sonic. Soon,

the homeless people who all hang out 
in our neighborhood started watching.

“What is that thing?!” one called out. 
“It looks like some kind of creature!”

another answered, “That’s just Ben Shapiro.”

I could not tell who was winning the fight. The 
two moved at such incredible speed that I could

not tell what was even happening. It was not until 
my wife was sent through the wall of our house

that I started to suspect she was losing. Although 
her giant sword was incredibly cool looking,

it seemed like she had trouble actually hitting 
Sonic with it. I am not sure how one prepares

to fight a demon. I took a demon slaying elective 
at Harvard Law, but that was mostly just theory.

Eventually, my wife was able to 
pin Sonic underneath her sword.

Sonic pushed hard against it, driving 
himself further into the ground.

“Give it up, Sonic!” She cried. 
“I am sending you back to hell!”

Suddenly the sword broke in half, 
and my wife lost her footing.

Sonic took advantage of this moment and 
quickly pinned underneath his Soap shoe.

“I am starting to get annoyed 
at how weak you all think I am.

In case you all forgot who I am. I’m Sonic! Sonic 
the Hedgehog! I am the fastest thing alive!!”

I had to think fast. If I didn’t do something,

it might all be over. And then it 
hit me. I called out. “Hey Sonic!”

“Huh?!” Sonic turned to face me. “Well, well,

well. If it isn’t Ben Shapiro. The 
one who awoke me from my slumber.

Sorry about your house. And your lawn. Any last 
words before I ruin the rest of your life?”

“Mario is better!”

Sonic froze. “What did you say?!”

“Mario is better than Sonic!” I said again. I 
stood to my feet, a rush of strength coursed

through my veins. “Eight of the fifty 
best selling games ever are Mario titles.

Sonic only has one. Level design in Mario games 
is vastly superior to that of Sonic games. Super

Mario Galaxy is one hundred times more polished 
than any 3D Sonic title. Sega has no idea how to

make a good Sonic game, whereas Mario games have 
remained consistently good for thirty five years.”

Sonic was clearly confused. “What are 
you talking about? Aren’t you one of my

biggest fans? Why would you spread such nonsense?”

I chuckled. “I’m not spreading nonsense. 
I’m spreading facts and logic.”

“What!?” Sonic took a step back in shock, and 
then realized that my wife had slipped out of his

grasp. Just then, she pierced through his body 
from behind using the broken end of her sword.

Sonic gasped out for air, clearly struggling 
to breathe. “You bastard!” he shouted.

“Sorry, Sonic.” My wife said plainly.

“But it looks like it’s game over!” It 
was at this point Sonic began inflating.

His true demonic form was finally coming to 
light. Sonic’s body continued to grow in size.

It reminded me of images I used to look at on 
Deviant Art Dot Com. Sonic moaned and roared. And

then finally, the demon exploded, raining hyper 
realistic blood down over the entire block. The

crowd of homeless people surrounding our house 
cheered out. Finally the nightmare was over.

By this point, everything became a blur. The 
next thing I knew, I was in a hospital bed. My

wife was there, along with a real doctor, 
who jumped up when they saw me wake up.

“Thank god you are alive, Ben!” My wife 
said. “We are all so happy you are alive!”

“Yes,” the doctor agreed. “This 
truly is a miracle. Anyway your bill

is one hundred and fifty thousand dollars.” 
We all started laughing. God bless America.

After a while I finally returned home. We buried 
Knuckles out in the backyard, and I bought myself

a copy of Super Mario 3D All Stars. It might 
be a rip off. But the games are still quality.

Not long after these events we moved to Nashville,

Tennessee and I accidentally misplaced my 
haunted copy of Sonic Adventure 2. Otherwise

I would have dumped a rom onto the internet 
to prove that any of this happened. Oh well.

I learned a lot about myself during these times. I 
learned to stop obsessing over Sonic the Hedgehog.

I finally went to Six Flags. All by myself. 
And it was fucking dope. I also learned that

my wife is not a doctor. Boy, do I have egg on 
my face. I also learned the importance of facts

and logic. Well, I guess I already knew that. 
But I reaffirmed that I was correct. And most

importantly, I learned that I should 
never step foot in a Gamestop again.