0:00:00.000,0:00:04.160
I am posting this story online in hopes that [br]someone out there hears what I have to say

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and believes me. My name is Ben Shapiro. I [br]live an ordinary life in the United States.

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Like most people I own a lot of libs, [br]but I also own a lot of video games.

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That’s right. Video games. I try not to talk about [br]it much, but my favorite video game franchise is

0:00:18.400,0:00:23.360
Sonic the Hedgehog. It’s extremely popular among [br]conservative talk show hosts for some reason.

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But if we talk about it publicly, we [br]are ostracized. Remember when Glenn

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Beck was kicked off Fox News? That’s [br]because of his segment on why Sonic

0:00:30.320,0:00:34.000
is better than Mario. So we try to [br]keep quiet about our love of Sonic.

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But one of my favorite pastimes is to [br]collect rare and obscure Sonic games.

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I own at least three Sonic pachinko machines and [br]even own a signed copy of Sonic Dreams Collection.

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I will often go to flea markets or garage [br]sales looking for vintage Sonic games and other

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merchandise. I have spent approximately sixty [br]five thousand dollars on Sonic media, including

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a very expensive commission of a drawing of me [br]hanging out with Sonic and Knuckles at Six Flags.

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But that was far from the biggest price I ever [br]paid for Sonic. No. That day came just a few

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weeks ago when my wife, who is a doctor [br]by the way, and I walked into a Gamestop.

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The building itself was decrepit and [br]disgusting. The lights flickered grimly,

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and half the shelves were basked in [br]darkness. The whole place reeked of

0:01:11.840,0:01:16.240
body odor. There was a sullen look of despair [br]on the face of every single person there.

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There was truly a depressing presence [br]hanging over every inch of that place.

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In other words, it looked like a perfectly [br]ordinary looking Gamestop. But it wasn’t.

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This Gamestop housed a truly eldritch horror that [br]I was unknowingly about to welcome into my life.

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There was, of course, the standard [br]affair of PlayStation and Xbox games.

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Nothing too exciting. I had no interest in Red [br]Dead Redemption 2 or Sekiro, Shadows Die Twice.

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I have no interest in normie trash like that. [br]Eventually, a display case in a dark corner of

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the store caught my eye. Now we are talking. [br]My wife, Dr. Shapiro, and I sauntered over

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to the counter for a closer look. There were [br]some random Gameboy and PlayStation games. But

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what really surprised me was a CD with the words [br]Sonic Adventure 2 written on it in black sharpie.

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The Gamestop clerk walked over to us.

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“Is there anything I can help you with?” she [br]asked, her horrible breath wafting into my face.

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“Yes,” I said. “What is the deal [br]with this copy of Sonic Adventure 2?”

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The woman scratched her head. [br]“If I remember correctly,

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some crazy lunatic brought that [br]game in. He said it was haunted.”

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“Really?” I asked.

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She replied. “Look, I don’t fucking [br]know. Now do you want it or not?”

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“I’ll take it!” I exclaimed. My wife paid [br]for the game and we quickly exited the

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store. On the way home, I explained to [br]my wife that Sonic Adventure 2 for the

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Sega Dreamcast is far superior [br]to the Nintendo GameCube port.

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The GameCube port was horribly butchered. You [br]would think the port was done by Democrats.

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Yes, it’s that bad. When we finally got home, I [br]dusted off my old Sega to give my new game a try.

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The game started up perfectly normally. I breezed [br]through the main menu and went to story mode.

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Hero and Dark story were both already available [br]as usual. But I noticed another story. Hell story.

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I could not recall there being a Hell story when [br]I first played Sonic Adventure 2. So that seemed

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a little odd. But I was too excited to play some [br]Sonic to think about it for very long. I selected

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Hero story and was presented with the opening [br]cutscene of Sonic jumping out of a helicopter.

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The first level City Escape started [br]up and I felt a rush of excitement.

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My only complaint with this level is the lack of [br]homeless people scattered throughout the streets.

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This is clearly supposed to be San Fancisco, [br]and we all know that liberal run cities are a

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hotbed of homelessness and poverty. [br]No wonder Sonic is trying to escape

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from the city. Because liberal run [br]cities are awful and I hate them.

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It had been a while since I played [br]Sonic Adventure 2, but had little

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trouble handling the blue blur. I guess you [br]could say I am a bit of a professional gamer.

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I quickly made it to the chase sequence with the [br]semi truck. But I noticed that there appeared to

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be realistic human screaming whenever the truck [br]ran over the cars on the sides of the road.

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It sounded a lot like how some people [br]scream when I own them with facts and logic.

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Sonic was then cornered by a GUN [br]agent inside a robot called Big Foot.

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But every time Sonic hit the cockpit, the pilot [br]would scream out in pain and call for his family.

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Once I defeated him, the robot exploded and [br]realistic chunks of blood and guts rained down

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over the battlefield. I didn’t remember [br]any of this from previous playthroughs,

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but sometimes even extremely smart Harvard [br]graduates like me forget one or two things.

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Then my favorite Sonic the Hedgehog [br]character appeared. Shadow the Hedgehog.

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I was so excited that my voice almost raised [br]by half a decibel. I know all the words to this

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scene so well that I was mouthing along with [br]the characters. Except there was one problem.

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Shadow is supposed to say “My name is [br]Shadow. I'm the world's ultimate life

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form! There's no time for games. Farewell.” [br]Instead he said this. “My name is Shadow,

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and your days are numbered, Ben Shapiro.”

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I have been threatened at least sixty times in my [br]life, but never by a cartoon hedgehog. Needless to

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say, this was quite unusual. Is it possible that [br]the big tiddy goth girl who worked at Gamestop

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was telling the truth? Was there some kind of [br]evil force locked away inside the disc spinning

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around inside my Dreamcast? Or maybe that half [br]a Bud Light I drank was really getting to me.

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I decided to keep a level head and push onward.

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The next few levels went by without too [br]much trouble. I’ve always been a fan of the

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Knuckles and Tails levels. I have watched [br]a lot of YouTube videos of people saying

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these levels are not as good. But those [br]people are morons. You heard me, morons.

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Anyway, I made it to the scene where [br]Amy breaks Sonic out of Guantanamo Bay.

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I love this scene. Sonamy is easily my [br]favorite ship. They have such great chemistry.

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Seriously, do not try to tell me that Sonic [br]belongs with Sally Acorn, or Princess Elise,

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or Big the Cat. Amy is his one true love. [br]I’m sorry, but hedgehog marriage should be

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between a hedgehog and a hedgehog. Otherwise, the [br]entire society of Mobius would collapse. I have

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done quite a bit of research on this so do not [br]even bother trying to debate me in the threads.

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Getting back to the game. I noticed something [br]a little strange during the Guantanamo Bay

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cut scene. In the jail cell are copious [br]amounts of notes written by Gerald Robotnik.

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But I noticed a different note sprawled [br]along the wall in hyper realistic blood.

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It said “I’m coming for you Ben Shapiro.” [br]I had no idea what to make of this.

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Was this some kind of visual glitch? Sonic [br]Adventure 2 is a pretty old game, after all.

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It was at this point that I was getting very [br]tired. I had a busy day of talking about how

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all people on Medicaid are freeloaders ahead [br]of me and I needed my beauty rest. I turned off

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the Dreamcast, got up to stretch and made my way [br]for the bathroom until I heard a faint whisper.

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A faint whisper that shook me to my very core. [br]It said “Hey I’ll play with you some other time!”

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And it almost sounded like Sonic. It sounded [br]somewhat like Ryan Drummond, but there was

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a hint of Jaleel White. Maybe a touch of Jason [br]Griffith and a splash of Roger Craig Smith. Also

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there was some Martin Burke and Ben Schwartz too, [br]as well as Jaleel White. I immediately wet myself.

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Possibly out of fear, or possibly because I have [br]poor control of my bladder, or possibly both.

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I put on my jammies and hopped [br]into bed with Doctor Shapiro,

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who is also my wife by the way. I [br]tossed and turned for several hours.

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Sleep eluded me. My mind was racing with thoughts [br]about what had just happened. Am I going crazy?

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“No. You are not going crazy.” The voice [br]came from the foot of my bed. I looked

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up and saw Reggie Fils-Aimé, [br]the former C.E.O. of Nintendo,

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standing over me. “You are not crazy,” he said [br]in a calm voice. “You are in terrible danger.”

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“What are you doing here?” I asked Reggie [br]Fils-Aimé. “You are on the board of directors

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at Gamestop. Aren’t you busy trying to [br]keep your company from going bankrupt?”

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“That is why I am here.” Reggie’s [br]voice boomed throughout the room.

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“Customer service is very important to me. And [br]I fear that you are in trouble of having bad

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customer service. You see, the video game [br]you purchased from Gamestop is haunted.

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If you are not careful, you [br]could meet a grizzly fate.”

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I was very annoyed that Reggie was talking to [br]me this way. “Listen here Reggie,” I said in a

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stern voice. “If you don’t get out of my house [br]I will grab my shotgun and make you leave.”

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Reggie chuckled. “HA HA HA HA! You don’t [br]understand. I am not in your house.”

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Reggie snapped his fingers. The walls and floor of [br]my bedroom began to dissolve. I turned to my wife.

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Doctor Mor Shapiro, but she was already gone. [br]It was just Reggie and I alone in a dark void.

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I looked over to Reggie, who had a smug grin on [br]his face. “What are you?” I asked in disbelief.

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Reggie walked closer. “Do you really think [br]they let anyone be the C.E.O. of Nintendo?

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Absolutely not. My powers far exceed [br]those of any human. Including you,

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Ben Shapiro. So I think it’s about time [br]you started treating me with respect.

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And if you don’t listen to me now, things [br]could end very badly for you, my friend.”

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Reggie Fils-Aimé was right. “Well then spit it [br]out!” I said. “What is going to happen to me?”

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Reggie snapped his fingers again. We were [br]transported to a living room covered in

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blood. Forensics teams were taking pictures. [br]I looked over and saw two men kneeled over

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by the television. The screen was broken, and [br]an overturned Sega Dreamcast was next to it.

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“I can’t believe it!” One of the [br]men said. “It appears to be some

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kind of quill. Like from a [br]hedgehog. But it’s blue.”

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“That is impossible!'' The second man [br]shouted. “Hedgehogs are not blue, dumbass.”

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“Would you just shut up and [br]let me do my job, dickhole?”

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The two men faded away, along with [br]the rest of the gruesome scene.

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“Do you understand now?” Reggie asked. “If you [br]keep playing that game, you will be killed.”

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My hands were shaking. My lips were [br]trembling. My throat was a little scratchy.

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“Was this really the work of [br]Sonic the Hedgehog?” I asked.

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“I’m afraid so.” Reggie sighed.

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“I can’t believe Sonic would [br]do this.” I started sobbing.

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Reggie patted me on the back. “It’s [br]not that surprising, honestly.

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Sonic has always been a bad boy.”

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“What am I supposed to play now?” I [br]asked. “How can I go on without Sonic.”

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Reggie comforted me. “It’s okay. I’ll tell you [br]what. Super Mario 3D All Stars is now on sale.

0:09:07.600,0:09:10.400
I can put one aside for you to [br]pick up at Gamestop tomorrow.”

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I froze. Suddenly, everything became clear to me.

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I chuckled. “You just overplayed [br]your hand, Reggie boy.”

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“What are you talking about?” Reggie [br]said defensively. “Don’t you want to

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play Super Mario 64 with updated HUD sprites?”

0:09:23.600,0:09:28.560
I laughed in Reggie’s face. “So this was all [br]a ruse to trick me into denouncing Sonic?

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You have some impressive powers, magic man. But [br]it will take more than that to fool Ben Shapiro.”

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Reggie’s face turned red. “Listen to me!” he [br]shouted. “Sonic the Hedgehog is a murderer.

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You are doomed if you keep playing that game.”

0:09:40.400,0:09:44.880
I laughed even harder. “Oh yeah, [br]and is Master Chief a pedophile?”

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Reggie fell silent. “Alright, Ben. If [br]you want to keep playing that game,

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I won’t stop you. But I hope your body is [br]ready. I hope it is ready to experience pain

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and agony like you have never known before. [br]I hope your mind and spirit are prepared

0:09:57.760,0:10:02.400
for the wrath of Sonic. Very few people [br]are more powerful than me. Doug Bowser,

0:10:02.400,0:10:07.360
Shigeru Miyamoto, the Nostalgia Critic. But [br]Sonic is very close. You won’t be able to

0:10:07.360,0:10:11.680
beat him on your own. So if you need help, [br]just call out to me. And I’ll be there.”

0:10:11.680,0:10:17.040
I rolled my eyes. “God, you are more annoying than [br]Alexandria Ocasio Cortez. Just get me out of here

0:10:17.040,0:10:22.000
already.” Reggie Fils-Aimé stood silently for [br]a moment. I could see the conflict in his face.

0:10:22.000,0:10:26.720
Perhaps he was being honest. Or maybe he was upset [br]that he couldn’t trick me. It did not matter at

0:10:26.720,0:10:32.160
this point. I love Sonic, and it is impossible for [br]anyone to change that. Reggie snapped his fingers

0:10:32.160,0:10:37.760
one last time. I was suddenly back in bed, sweat [br]running down my brow. Was it all just a dream?

0:10:37.760,0:10:42.400
I calmed myself down. Alright Ben, let’s [br]think about this factually and logically.

0:10:42.400,0:10:48.320
Reggie Fils-Aimé does not have magic powers. Super [br]Mario 3D All Stars is a lazy port and a rip off.

0:10:48.320,0:10:53.760
Hedgehogs do not actually exist. I went to the [br]bathroom and splashed some water on my face.

0:10:53.760,0:10:56.960
When I turned off the tap, I [br]heard music off in the distance.

0:10:56.960,0:11:00.960
I would know that music anywhere. It was [br]the song my wife and I danced to during our

0:11:00.960,0:11:05.360
wedding. It was the menu theme of Sonic [br]Adventure 2. Also my wife is a doctor.

0:11:05.360,0:11:10.320
I stumbled, half asleep into the living room. Sure [br]enough, Sonic Adventure 2 was on the television.

0:11:11.040,0:11:16.960
Silly me. I must have forgotten to turn it off. [br]I stepped towards the game console, then stopped.

0:11:16.960,0:11:21.600
After that nightmare, it might be better to stay [br]up for a while. What harm could there be in that.

0:11:21.600,0:11:26.240
I sat down on the couch, grabbed the controller [br]and set my gaze on the television screen,

0:11:26.240,0:11:29.280
which illuminated the dark room [br]with comforting, familiar light.

0:11:29.280,0:11:33.920
The game was already on the story select screen. [br]The cursor hovered over that mysterious third game

0:11:33.920,0:11:39.680
mode, Hell Story. I’m not sure what provoked me [br]to select that option. Was it simply curiosity?

0:11:39.680,0:11:44.320
Or was it some kind of self hatred? Was I trying [br]to prove something? Even on the other side of all

0:11:44.320,0:11:48.960
this, I’m still not sure. What goes through a [br]man’s mind while he is ruining his life? Is any

0:11:48.960,0:11:54.560
thought justified? All my accolades and knowledge. [br]Is it all worthless in the face of one stupid act?

0:11:54.560,0:11:59.440
Hell Story started off with a cutscene of [br]Dr. Eggman. I love Dr. Eggman. Shadow might

0:11:59.440,0:12:05.120
be my favorite, but Eggman is the character I [br]relate to. Amazing physique, incredibly high IQ,

0:12:05.120,0:12:10.000
completely misunderstood. Dr. Eggman also [br]reminds me of my wife for some reason.

0:12:10.000,0:12:14.160
I’m not sure why. But something was clearly [br]very wrong with Eggman in this cutscene.

0:12:14.160,0:12:18.720
He was sitting alone on the floor of the [br]Space Colony ARK, sobbing quietly to himself.

0:12:18.720,0:12:22.640
“Please!” He cried. “Don’t do it. [br]I’ll put my evil past behind me.

0:12:22.640,0:12:26.320
I will never defame the moon again. [br]I’ll return the Chaos Emeralds.

0:12:26.320,0:12:31.360
Just please. Don’t. kill. Me.” Eggman’s [br]words were trembling at this point.

0:12:31.360,0:12:35.920
Suddenly another figure came into view. It was [br]Sonic the Hedgehog. And he was holding a gun.

0:12:36.560,0:12:41.840
“Sorry Eggman, but I can’t let you live any [br]longer.” Sonic cocked his gun. “Now get a load

0:12:41.840,0:12:48.560
of this.” The screen went dark. Bang. I couldn’t [br]believe it. Doctor Eggman was fucking dead.

0:12:48.560,0:12:53.920
A loading screen popped up for the first level. It [br]was a Knuckles level. It was called Escape Pod. I

0:12:53.920,0:12:58.000
had to collect three keys to unlock the door to [br]the escape bay of the space colony. There was

0:12:58.000,0:13:02.800
also a time limit of eleven minutes and thirty [br]four seconds. The level was actually quite fun.

0:13:02.800,0:13:08.080
I even felt like a kid again. But Sonic’s voice [br]would frequently come over the intercom. “I’m

0:13:08.080,0:13:12.800
coming to get you, Knuckles.” “You are running [br]out of time. And then you are next, Ben Shapiro.”

0:13:12.800,0:13:17.840
This put a bit of a damper on my experience but [br]I still really enjoyed the level. The next level

0:13:17.840,0:13:22.240
was a Tails level. I had to make it to the [br]escape pod that I had unlocked as Knuckles.

0:13:22.240,0:13:25.920
The strangest thing about this level [br]was that there were no enemies or music.

0:13:25.920,0:13:29.040
It was just Tails walking through [br]a dark and lonely spaceship.

0:13:29.040,0:13:34.000
It reminded me of my last birthday party. Sonic [br]would come over the intercom in this level too.

0:13:34.000,0:13:38.640
He said such awful things. “I am going [br]to kill you Tails.” “You are dead Tails.”

0:13:38.640,0:13:43.120
I beat the level without too much trouble. But [br]when Tails arrived at the escape pod, Knuckles was

0:13:43.120,0:13:49.040
nowhere to be found. Tails cried out for him, but [br]there was no response. Tails then started weeping.

0:13:49.040,0:13:54.560
Between the sobs, I could hear faint footsteps. [br]I knew those footsteps anywhere. It was Sonic.

0:13:54.560,0:13:58.720
“Hey Tails!” Sonic called out. “Did [br]you see what I did to Baldy McNosehair?

0:13:58.720,0:14:01.680
I think we should change his [br]name to Corpsey McNoface.”

0:14:01.680,0:14:06.080
“Why are you doing this?” Tails cried. “You’re [br]a good guy! You are supposed to help people!”

0:14:06.080,0:14:09.760
Sonic laughed. “I am helping people, [br]Tails. It might not seem like it,

0:14:09.760,0:14:12.560
but there are some very bad people [br]who need to be taught a lesson.”

0:14:12.560,0:14:17.120
Sonic looked straight at the camera. “There are [br]some very bad people, indeed.” He pointed his

0:14:17.120,0:14:22.160
gun right at me. I’m not sure what it was, but [br]I somehow knew I was in great danger. I ducked

0:14:22.160,0:14:26.240
out of the way of the television. The screen [br]shattered as a bullet flew through the glass.

0:14:26.240,0:14:29.200
The bullet grazed my leg as [br]I tumbled down to the floor.

0:14:29.200,0:14:34.000
Sonic the Hedgehog had just tried to kill me. I [br]was in complete shock. I haven’t felt this way

0:14:34.000,0:14:39.840
since Obama won the 2012 election. My entire [br]life was now in shambles. My hero, my friend,

0:14:39.840,0:14:44.640
my first love just tried to kill me. The words [br]of Reggie Fils-Aimé rang through my head. Sonic

0:14:44.640,0:14:51.360
has always been a bad boy. It was true. But why [br]me? Why Ben Shapiro? Everybody loves Ben Shapiro.

0:14:51.920,0:14:56.080
And then it hit me. “Oh my [br]god. Sonic must be a liberal.”

0:14:56.080,0:15:00.880
Environmentalist themes are rampant in Sonic [br]games, the fact that Sonic always runs around

0:15:00.880,0:15:05.920
in the nude, the fact that his fur is blue. [br]I pulled out my phone and Googled “Is Sonic

0:15:06.560,0:15:11.600
the Hedgehog a democrat?” I found an image of a [br]Bernie Sanders rally. And sure enough. There he

0:15:11.600,0:15:16.480
was hidden in the crowd. Sonic the Hedgehog. He [br]was holding a sign up that said “Free Healthcare

0:15:16.480,0:15:21.920
for All”. I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach. [br]How could this be? Why did I never notice?

0:15:21.920,0:15:25.520
Rivers of blood were running down my leg at [br]this point. I called out “Is there a doctor

0:15:25.520,0:15:30.000
in the house?!” To my dismay, my wife, who [br]is a doctor by the way, had just gone out

0:15:30.000,0:15:34.480
for milk. So there was in fact no doctor in [br]the house. I crafted a makeshift tourniquet

0:15:34.480,0:15:38.640
out of copies of the Constitution that I keep [br]in every single drawer of my house. I was no

0:15:38.640,0:15:43.200
longer bleeding like a stuck pig, but I knew I [br]would lose consciousness soon if I didn't act.

0:15:43.200,0:15:47.920
Suddenly, I heard a loud shattering sound come [br]from the guest room. Oh my God. It must have been

0:15:47.920,0:15:52.560
the other television. I limped over to the room [br]to see that it was empty. The television appeared

0:15:52.560,0:15:57.840
to have been broken from the inside. Sonic was [br]inside the house. I could tell. I scanned the

0:15:57.840,0:16:02.960
room for any sign of where he might have gone. I [br]saw that the guest closet door was closed. Gotcha,

0:16:02.960,0:16:07.600
I whispered under my breath. I reached under [br]the guest bed and pulled out my shotgun.

0:16:07.600,0:16:12.880
I crept up to the door. I heard heavy breathing [br]coming from the other side. I cocked my shotgun,

0:16:12.880,0:16:14.640
stuck it up against the door, and fired.

0:16:16.160,0:16:20.400
A loud howling erupted from the other [br]side of the door. Sonic was finished.

0:16:20.400,0:16:24.960
I opened the door and flicked on the light to get [br]a better view of my handiwork. My jaw dropped as

0:16:24.960,0:16:30.000
the shotgun slipped out of my hands and onto the [br]ground. I had just shot Knuckles the Echidna.

0:16:30.000,0:16:32.080
“Fuck! Holy Fuck! Jesus Christ! You just

0:16:32.080,0:16:35.840
fucking shot me!” Knuckles bawled. [br]“What the hell is wrong with you?!”

0:16:35.840,0:16:38.320
“I am so sorry. I am so sorry.”I told him.

0:16:38.880,0:16:41.440
“You fucking idiot! You [br]shot me! You goddamn moron!”

0:16:42.160,0:16:44.720
“Hey, I happen to have a [br]very high IQ.” I told him.

0:16:45.360,0:16:48.800
Knuckles continued screaming for a [br]minute or two until falling silent.

0:16:48.800,0:16:54.320
He was dead. A painful silence filled the [br]room. My mind was racing, but at the same time,

0:16:54.320,0:16:58.480
it was also completely blank. They don’t [br]prepare you for this at Harvard Law School.

0:16:58.480,0:17:01.760
I picked the shotgun back up and [br]stumbled back into the living room.

0:17:01.760,0:17:07.120
The Sega Dreamcast was gone. “I know you are [br]here, Sonic!” I shouted. “So just come out now!”

0:17:07.920,0:17:12.560
Silence. My eyes kept darting all around [br]the room. He could be anywhere I thought.

0:17:12.560,0:17:16.400
The adrenaline in my system that was keeping [br]my leg from hurting was starting to wear off.

0:17:16.400,0:17:20.000
Fatigue was setting in. Shit. [br]If I don’t deal with Sonic soon,

0:17:20.000,0:17:23.680
I’m a goner. Out of the corner of my eye, [br]I thought I saw something in the kitchen.

0:17:29.320,0:17:30.320
Bang!

0:17:30.320,0:17:36.560
It was nothing. Then a chilling realization hit [br]me. I was out of bullets. Then I heard his voice.

0:17:36.560,0:17:39.680
“You should be careful, Ben. Are you [br]not aware that seventy percent of

0:17:39.680,0:17:42.800
accidental gun deaths occur in [br]the home? If you are not careful,

0:17:42.800,0:17:46.240
your love of the second amendment is going [br]to get you killed. And we wouldn’t want that,

0:17:46.240,0:17:50.800
would we?” Fear cascaded through my nervous [br]system. I tried to pinch myself awake,

0:17:50.800,0:17:55.440
but this was no dream. This was reality. [br]I took a deep breath and turned around.

0:17:55.440,0:17:59.600
There he was. Sonic the Hedgehog. Hyper [br]realistic blood running down his face.

0:17:59.600,0:18:04.160
My first thought was to run. But I knew that [br]would be pointless. I knew that he could snap

0:18:04.160,0:18:09.120
my neck in a millisecond if he wanted to. I was [br]a fly caught in his web. And I knew he wanted to

0:18:09.120,0:18:14.160
take his time with me. To torture me. To put me [br]in so much pain that I would forget my own name

0:18:14.160,0:18:18.240
or even forget what a disaster the [br]Affordable Care Act was. I was doomed.

0:18:18.240,0:18:22.640
“Don't worry, buddy.” Sonic taunted. “This [br]will only hurt a lot.” He started to walk

0:18:22.640,0:18:26.960
closer towards me. Each step like the gong of [br]a bell in my ears. I never should have walked

0:18:26.960,0:18:31.600
into the Gamestop. How could the free market [br]have done this to me. I had only one hope.

0:18:31.600,0:18:34.880
I cried out for Reggie. He was [br]the only one who could stop this.

0:18:34.880,0:18:38.000
There is no way he would let [br]Gamestop get bad publicity like this.

0:18:38.000,0:18:41.120
As Sonic stepped closer, a cloud [br]of smoke appeared. Out of the fog,

0:18:41.120,0:18:44.400
Reggie Fils-Aimé appeared. [br]“Thank God, you came!” I smiled.

0:18:44.400,0:18:47.680
“Anything for a customer.” Reggie [br]turned his attention towards Sonic,

0:18:47.680,0:18:50.240
who was still smiling with [br]his smug smile that he does.

0:18:50.240,0:18:53.760
“So, you called on your big brother to [br]help you out, Ben. That is so sweet.

0:18:53.760,0:18:58.400
I guess I will have to get rid of you both then. [br]I have always wanted to get my hands on Mario.

0:18:58.400,0:19:00.560
But I guess you will have to do, Reggie.”

0:19:00.560,0:19:05.280
“Silence!” Reggie’s voice boomed throughout the [br]house. “You will never defeat me Sonic. I am but

0:19:05.280,0:19:09.680
a mere projection of the real Reggie Fils-Aimé. [br]But I am still ten times stronger than you could

0:19:09.680,0:19:13.920
ever hope to be. You are nothing more than a stain [br]on the world of gaming. You should have been wiped

0:19:13.920,0:19:19.040
out years ago, but you keep hanging on. You are [br]quite resilient. I am afraid that your resilience

0:19:19.040,0:19:24.160
ends tonight. I will do all in my power to destroy [br]you, Sonic. You will never again torture any-”

0:19:24.160,0:19:27.360
Sonic leapt forward, jamming [br]his knee into Reggie’s stomach.

0:19:27.360,0:19:30.400
Reggie yelled out in disbelief before [br]exploding into a puff of smoke.

0:19:31.120,0:19:35.680
“What. How. Did.” I stuttered [br]my words in absolute fear.

0:19:35.680,0:19:39.200
Sonic dusted himself off.” I knew [br]he was too weak to handle me.

0:19:39.200,0:19:43.440
After all. Sega does what Nintendon’t.” [br]The room was spinning at this point.

0:19:43.440,0:19:48.240
I spun around towards the front door. Maybe [br]if I could just get outside, I would be safe.

0:19:48.240,0:19:53.680
I started towards the door, but collapsed due to [br]exhaustion. Sonic started laughing at me. I could

0:19:53.680,0:19:58.000
tell by his laugh that he was absolutely giddy [br]as he watched me try to escape with my life.

0:19:58.000,0:20:03.920
“Come on, Ben!” Sonic said. “We could go to [br]Six Flags. Just like you’ve always wanted. You,

0:20:03.920,0:20:09.280
me, Knuckles. Oh wait, you killed Knuckles, [br]didn’t you. That was very naughty of you, Ben,

0:20:09.280,0:20:13.760
I think you’re going to need a time out. A [br]permanent time out!” I was at the door at this

0:20:13.760,0:20:18.960
point, my bloody hand struggling to get a grip on [br]the knob. Sonic walked closer. End of the line.

0:20:18.960,0:20:23.920
Suddenly the door opened. Dr. Shapiro, my [br]wife, was back with the milk. “Oh my God!”

0:20:23.920,0:20:28.720
She screamed. “Ben, are you okay!” I tried to [br]speak but I was too tired to move my mouth.

0:20:28.720,0:20:30.800
For once in my life, I was speechless.

0:20:30.800,0:20:35.840
“You!” Sonic shouted in disbelief. “What are you [br]doing here?” I was confused by Sonic’s words,

0:20:35.840,0:20:38.160
but I knew I needed medical attention right away.

0:20:38.160,0:20:41.600
With what little strength I had left, [br]I looked at my wife and pleaded.

0:20:41.600,0:20:43.360
“Please dear, I need a doctor.”

0:20:43.360,0:20:46.240
My wife looked at me, revealing [br]a pain hidden in her eyes.

0:20:46.240,0:20:51.200
“I have to tell you something, Ben. I am [br]not really a doctor. I was never a doctor.”

0:20:51.200,0:20:53.360
“What!?” I said. “Of course you are!”

0:20:53.360,0:20:57.920
“No.” She said. “I have been lying about my [br]entire life. You see, I am a demon hunter.

0:20:57.920,0:21:02.560
And I have been hunting Sonic the Hedgehog [br]for decades now. You see, Sonic is a Demon.”

0:21:02.560,0:21:05.120
“What!” I cried. My wife sighed.

0:21:05.120,0:21:09.840
“I come from a place known as Genocide City. At [br]least that is what everyone called it after Sonic

0:21:09.840,0:21:14.320
killed everyone there. My mother hid me under [br]the floorboards so Sonic didn’t get me. I have

0:21:14.320,0:21:18.960
spent my whole life training so that one day I [br]could finally defeat him. I knew that Sonic hated

0:21:18.960,0:21:23.280
conservatives. And I knew that you were obsessed [br]with finding anything related to Sonic. So I

0:21:23.280,0:21:28.800
decided to marry you as a way to find Sonic. That [br]day has finally come. Don’t worry, Ben. I will

0:21:28.800,0:21:34.880
take it from here.” My wife pulled out a giant [br]sword. “Alright Sonic,” she said. “Let’s dance.”

0:21:34.880,0:21:38.880
Sonic ran straight into my wife, pushing them [br]both through the front door of the house.

0:21:38.880,0:21:41.920
They began fighting out on our [br]open lawn, moving so quickly I

0:21:41.920,0:21:46.080
could hardly tell which blurry figure was [br]my wife and which one was Sonic. Soon,

0:21:46.080,0:21:49.040
the homeless people who all hang out [br]in our neighborhood started watching.

0:21:49.040,0:21:52.880
“What is that thing?!” one called out. [br]“It looks like some kind of creature!”

0:21:52.880,0:21:55.200
another answered, “That’s just Ben Shapiro.”

0:21:55.200,0:21:59.440
I could not tell who was winning the fight. The [br]two moved at such incredible speed that I could

0:21:59.440,0:22:03.440
not tell what was even happening. It was not until [br]my wife was sent through the wall of our house

0:22:03.440,0:22:08.800
that I started to suspect she was losing. Although [br]her giant sword was incredibly cool looking,

0:22:08.800,0:22:13.120
it seemed like she had trouble actually hitting [br]Sonic with it. I am not sure how one prepares

0:22:13.120,0:22:17.760
to fight a demon. I took a demon slaying elective [br]at Harvard Law, but that was mostly just theory.

0:22:18.400,0:22:21.760
Eventually, my wife was able to [br]pin Sonic underneath her sword.

0:22:21.760,0:22:25.120
Sonic pushed hard against it, driving [br]himself further into the ground.

0:22:25.120,0:22:28.720
“Give it up, Sonic!” She cried. [br]“I am sending you back to hell!”

0:22:28.720,0:22:32.080
Suddenly the sword broke in half, [br]and my wife lost her footing.

0:22:32.080,0:22:36.080
Sonic took advantage of this moment and [br]quickly pinned underneath his Soap shoe.

0:22:36.080,0:22:39.200
“I am starting to get annoyed [br]at how weak you all think I am.

0:22:39.200,0:22:44.720
In case you all forgot who I am. I’m Sonic! Sonic [br]the Hedgehog! I am the fastest thing alive!!”

0:22:44.720,0:22:47.200
I had to think fast. If I didn’t do something,

0:22:47.200,0:22:51.840
it might all be over. And then it [br]hit me. I called out. “Hey Sonic!”

0:22:51.840,0:22:55.040
“Huh?!” Sonic turned to face me. “Well, well,

0:22:55.040,0:22:58.960
well. If it isn’t Ben Shapiro. The [br]one who awoke me from my slumber.

0:22:58.960,0:23:04.000
Sorry about your house. And your lawn. Any last [br]words before I ruin the rest of your life?”

0:23:04.000,0:23:04.800
“Mario is better!”

0:23:05.600,0:23:07.680
Sonic froze. “What did you say?!”

0:23:07.680,0:23:11.440
“Mario is better than Sonic!” I said again. I [br]stood to my feet, a rush of strength coursed

0:23:11.440,0:23:15.520
through my veins. “Eight of the fifty [br]best selling games ever are Mario titles.

0:23:15.520,0:23:21.040
Sonic only has one. Level design in Mario games [br]is vastly superior to that of Sonic games. Super

0:23:21.040,0:23:26.400
Mario Galaxy is one hundred times more polished [br]than any 3D Sonic title. Sega has no idea how to

0:23:26.400,0:23:31.280
make a good Sonic game, whereas Mario games have [br]remained consistently good for thirty five years.”

0:23:31.280,0:23:35.040
Sonic was clearly confused. “What are [br]you talking about? Aren’t you one of my

0:23:35.040,0:23:37.520
biggest fans? Why would you spread such nonsense?”

0:23:38.160,0:23:42.360
I chuckled. “I’m not spreading nonsense. [br]I’m spreading facts and logic.”

0:23:42.360,0:23:47.440
“What!?” Sonic took a step back in shock, and [br]then realized that my wife had slipped out of his

0:23:47.440,0:23:52.640
grasp. Just then, she pierced through his body [br]from behind using the broken end of her sword.

0:23:52.640,0:23:57.280
Sonic gasped out for air, clearly struggling [br]to breathe. “You bastard!” he shouted.

0:23:57.280,0:23:59.440
“Sorry, Sonic.” My wife said plainly.

0:23:59.440,0:24:03.520
“But it looks like it’s game over!” It [br]was at this point Sonic began inflating.

0:24:03.520,0:24:08.480
His true demonic form was finally coming to [br]light. Sonic’s body continued to grow in size.

0:24:08.480,0:24:13.600
It reminded me of images I used to look at on [br]Deviant Art Dot Com. Sonic moaned and roared. And

0:24:13.600,0:24:18.480
then finally, the demon exploded, raining hyper [br]realistic blood down over the entire block. The

0:24:18.480,0:24:22.800
crowd of homeless people surrounding our house [br]cheered out. Finally the nightmare was over.

0:24:22.800,0:24:28.080
By this point, everything became a blur. The [br]next thing I knew, I was in a hospital bed. My

0:24:28.080,0:24:31.840
wife was there, along with a real doctor, [br]who jumped up when they saw me wake up.

0:24:31.840,0:24:36.240
“Thank god you are alive, Ben!” My wife [br]said. “We are all so happy you are alive!”

0:24:36.240,0:24:39.760
“Yes,” the doctor agreed. “This [br]truly is a miracle. Anyway your bill

0:24:39.760,0:24:44.720
is one hundred and fifty thousand dollars.” [br]We all started laughing. God bless America.

0:24:44.720,0:24:49.680
After a while I finally returned home. We buried [br]Knuckles out in the backyard, and I bought myself

0:24:49.680,0:24:55.360
a copy of Super Mario 3D All Stars. It might [br]be a rip off. But the games are still quality.

0:24:55.360,0:24:57.680
Not long after these events we moved to Nashville,

0:24:57.680,0:25:02.400
Tennessee and I accidentally misplaced my [br]haunted copy of Sonic Adventure 2. Otherwise

0:25:02.400,0:25:06.960
I would have dumped a rom onto the internet [br]to prove that any of this happened. Oh well.

0:25:06.960,0:25:12.400
I learned a lot about myself during these times. I [br]learned to stop obsessing over Sonic the Hedgehog.

0:25:12.400,0:25:17.760
I finally went to Six Flags. All by myself. [br]And it was fucking dope. I also learned that

0:25:17.760,0:25:23.840
my wife is not a doctor. Boy, do I have egg on [br]my face. I also learned the importance of facts

0:25:23.840,0:25:29.680
and logic. Well, I guess I already knew that. [br]But I reaffirmed that I was correct. And most

0:25:29.680,0:25:32.800
importantly, I learned that I should [br]never step foot in a Gamestop again.