WEBVTT 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:04.160 I am posting this story online in hopes that  someone out there hears what I have to say 00:00:04.160 --> 00:00:09.040 and believes me. My name is Ben Shapiro. I  live an ordinary life in the United States. 00:00:09.040 --> 00:00:13.200 Like most people I own a lot of libs,  but I also own a lot of video games. 00:00:13.200 --> 00:00:18.400 That’s right. Video games. I try not to talk about  it much, but my favorite video game franchise is 00:00:18.400 --> 00:00:23.360 Sonic the Hedgehog. It’s extremely popular among  conservative talk show hosts for some reason. 00:00:23.360 --> 00:00:26.960 But if we talk about it publicly, we  are ostracized. Remember when Glenn 00:00:26.960 --> 00:00:30.320 Beck was kicked off Fox News? That’s  because of his segment on why Sonic 00:00:30.320 --> 00:00:34.000 is better than Mario. So we try to  keep quiet about our love of Sonic. 00:00:34.000 --> 00:00:37.760 But one of my favorite pastimes is to  collect rare and obscure Sonic games. 00:00:37.760 --> 00:00:42.720 I own at least three Sonic pachinko machines and  even own a signed copy of Sonic Dreams Collection. 00:00:42.720 --> 00:00:46.640 I will often go to flea markets or garage  sales looking for vintage Sonic games and other 00:00:46.640 --> 00:00:51.280 merchandise. I have spent approximately sixty  five thousand dollars on Sonic media, including 00:00:51.280 --> 00:00:55.840 a very expensive commission of a drawing of me  hanging out with Sonic and Knuckles at Six Flags. 00:00:55.840 --> 00:01:00.800 But that was far from the biggest price I ever  paid for Sonic. No. That day came just a few 00:01:00.800 --> 00:01:04.800 weeks ago when my wife, who is a doctor  by the way, and I walked into a Gamestop. 00:01:04.800 --> 00:01:08.720 The building itself was decrepit and  disgusting. The lights flickered grimly, 00:01:08.720 --> 00:01:11.840 and half the shelves were basked in  darkness. The whole place reeked of 00:01:11.840 --> 00:01:16.240 body odor. There was a sullen look of despair  on the face of every single person there. 00:01:16.240 --> 00:01:19.760 There was truly a depressing presence  hanging over every inch of that place. 00:01:20.320 --> 00:01:25.040 In other words, it looked like a perfectly  ordinary looking Gamestop. But it wasn’t. 00:01:25.040 --> 00:01:29.840 This Gamestop housed a truly eldritch horror that  I was unknowingly about to welcome into my life. 00:01:29.840 --> 00:01:33.280 There was, of course, the standard  affair of PlayStation and Xbox games. 00:01:33.280 --> 00:01:38.640 Nothing too exciting. I had no interest in Red  Dead Redemption 2 or Sekiro, Shadows Die Twice. 00:01:38.640 --> 00:01:43.360 I have no interest in normie trash like that.  Eventually, a display case in a dark corner of 00:01:43.360 --> 00:01:48.160 the store caught my eye. Now we are talking.  My wife, Dr. Shapiro, and I sauntered over 00:01:48.160 --> 00:01:52.560 to the counter for a closer look. There were  some random Gameboy and PlayStation games. But 00:01:52.560 --> 00:01:57.200 what really surprised me was a CD with the words  Sonic Adventure 2 written on it in black sharpie. 00:01:57.200 --> 00:01:59.200 The Gamestop clerk walked over to us. 00:01:59.200 --> 00:02:03.440 “Is there anything I can help you with?” she  asked, her horrible breath wafting into my face. 00:02:03.440 --> 00:02:06.880 “Yes,” I said. “What is the deal  with this copy of Sonic Adventure 2?” 00:02:06.880 --> 00:02:09.760 The woman scratched her head.  “If I remember correctly, 00:02:09.760 --> 00:02:12.960 some crazy lunatic brought that  game in. He said it was haunted.” 00:02:12.960 --> 00:02:14.000 “Really?” I asked. 00:02:14.000 --> 00:02:17.360 She replied. “Look, I don’t fucking  know. Now do you want it or not?” 00:02:17.360 --> 00:02:21.280 “I’ll take it!” I exclaimed. My wife paid  for the game and we quickly exited the 00:02:21.280 --> 00:02:24.960 store. On the way home, I explained to  my wife that Sonic Adventure 2 for the 00:02:24.960 --> 00:02:28.480 Sega Dreamcast is far superior  to the Nintendo GameCube port. 00:02:28.480 --> 00:02:33.040 The GameCube port was horribly butchered. You  would think the port was done by Democrats. 00:02:33.040 --> 00:02:38.720 Yes, it’s that bad. When we finally got home, I  dusted off my old Sega to give my new game a try. 00:02:38.720 --> 00:02:43.120 The game started up perfectly normally. I breezed  through the main menu and went to story mode. 00:02:43.120 --> 00:02:48.800 Hero and Dark story were both already available  as usual. But I noticed another story. Hell story. 00:02:48.800 --> 00:02:53.120 I could not recall there being a Hell story when  I first played Sonic Adventure 2. So that seemed 00:02:53.120 --> 00:02:58.160 a little odd. But I was too excited to play some  Sonic to think about it for very long. I selected 00:02:58.160 --> 00:03:02.480 Hero story and was presented with the opening  cutscene of Sonic jumping out of a helicopter. 00:03:02.480 --> 00:03:06.240 The first level City Escape started  up and I felt a rush of excitement. 00:03:06.240 --> 00:03:10.560 My only complaint with this level is the lack of  homeless people scattered throughout the streets. 00:03:10.560 --> 00:03:14.960 This is clearly supposed to be San Fancisco,  and we all know that liberal run cities are a 00:03:14.960 --> 00:03:18.480 hotbed of homelessness and poverty.  No wonder Sonic is trying to escape 00:03:18.480 --> 00:03:22.000 from the city. Because liberal run  cities are awful and I hate them. 00:03:22.000 --> 00:03:24.880 It had been a while since I played  Sonic Adventure 2, but had little 00:03:24.880 --> 00:03:29.280 trouble handling the blue blur. I guess you  could say I am a bit of a professional gamer. 00:03:29.280 --> 00:03:33.520 I quickly made it to the chase sequence with the  semi truck. But I noticed that there appeared to 00:03:33.520 --> 00:03:37.680 be realistic human screaming whenever the truck  ran over the cars on the sides of the road. 00:03:37.680 --> 00:03:41.680 It sounded a lot like how some people  scream when I own them with facts and logic. 00:03:41.680 --> 00:03:45.200 Sonic was then cornered by a GUN  agent inside a robot called Big Foot. 00:03:45.200 --> 00:03:50.240 But every time Sonic hit the cockpit, the pilot  would scream out in pain and call for his family. 00:03:50.240 --> 00:03:54.560 Once I defeated him, the robot exploded and  realistic chunks of blood and guts rained down 00:03:54.560 --> 00:03:58.160 over the battlefield. I didn’t remember  any of this from previous playthroughs, 00:03:58.160 --> 00:04:02.800 but sometimes even extremely smart Harvard  graduates like me forget one or two things. 00:04:02.800 --> 00:04:06.720 Then my favorite Sonic the Hedgehog  character appeared. Shadow the Hedgehog. 00:04:06.720 --> 00:04:11.200 I was so excited that my voice almost raised  by half a decibel. I know all the words to this 00:04:11.200 --> 00:04:15.840 scene so well that I was mouthing along with  the characters. Except there was one problem. 00:04:15.840 --> 00:04:19.200 Shadow is supposed to say “My name is  Shadow. I'm the world's ultimate life 00:04:19.200 --> 00:04:24.560 form! There's no time for games. Farewell.”  Instead he said this. “My name is Shadow, 00:04:24.560 --> 00:04:26.640 and your days are numbered, Ben Shapiro.” 00:04:26.640 --> 00:04:31.520 I have been threatened at least sixty times in my  life, but never by a cartoon hedgehog. Needless to 00:04:31.520 --> 00:04:36.320 say, this was quite unusual. Is it possible that  the big tiddy goth girl who worked at Gamestop 00:04:36.320 --> 00:04:40.960 was telling the truth? Was there some kind of  evil force locked away inside the disc spinning 00:04:40.960 --> 00:04:45.920 around inside my Dreamcast? Or maybe that half  a Bud Light I drank was really getting to me. 00:04:45.920 --> 00:04:48.320 I decided to keep a level head and push onward. 00:04:48.320 --> 00:04:51.920 The next few levels went by without too  much trouble. I’ve always been a fan of the 00:04:51.920 --> 00:04:55.520 Knuckles and Tails levels. I have watched  a lot of YouTube videos of people saying 00:04:55.520 --> 00:05:00.400 these levels are not as good. But those  people are morons. You heard me, morons. 00:05:00.400 --> 00:05:04.240 Anyway, I made it to the scene where  Amy breaks Sonic out of Guantanamo Bay. 00:05:04.240 --> 00:05:08.880 I love this scene. Sonamy is easily my  favorite ship. They have such great chemistry. 00:05:08.880 --> 00:05:13.680 Seriously, do not try to tell me that Sonic  belongs with Sally Acorn, or Princess Elise, 00:05:13.680 --> 00:05:18.160 or Big the Cat. Amy is his one true love.  I’m sorry, but hedgehog marriage should be 00:05:18.160 --> 00:05:23.200 between a hedgehog and a hedgehog. Otherwise, the  entire society of Mobius would collapse. I have 00:05:23.200 --> 00:05:27.680 done quite a bit of research on this so do not  even bother trying to debate me in the threads. 00:05:27.680 --> 00:05:31.440 Getting back to the game. I noticed something  a little strange during the Guantanamo Bay 00:05:31.440 --> 00:05:35.600 cut scene. In the jail cell are copious  amounts of notes written by Gerald Robotnik. 00:05:35.600 --> 00:05:39.600 But I noticed a different note sprawled  along the wall in hyper realistic blood. 00:05:39.600 --> 00:05:43.440 It said “I’m coming for you Ben Shapiro.”  I had no idea what to make of this. 00:05:43.440 --> 00:05:48.080 Was this some kind of visual glitch? Sonic  Adventure 2 is a pretty old game, after all. 00:05:48.080 --> 00:05:51.920 It was at this point that I was getting very  tired. I had a busy day of talking about how 00:05:51.920 --> 00:05:56.720 all people on Medicaid are freeloaders ahead  of me and I needed my beauty rest. I turned off 00:05:56.720 --> 00:06:02.000 the Dreamcast, got up to stretch and made my way  for the bathroom until I heard a faint whisper. 00:06:02.000 --> 00:06:06.880 A faint whisper that shook me to my very core.  It said “Hey I’ll play with you some other time!” 00:06:06.880 --> 00:06:10.800 And it almost sounded like Sonic. It sounded  somewhat like Ryan Drummond, but there was 00:06:10.800 --> 00:06:15.600 a hint of Jaleel White. Maybe a touch of Jason  Griffith and a splash of Roger Craig Smith. Also 00:06:15.600 --> 00:06:20.960 there was some Martin Burke and Ben Schwartz too,  as well as Jaleel White. I immediately wet myself. 00:06:20.960 --> 00:06:26.080 Possibly out of fear, or possibly because I have  poor control of my bladder, or possibly both. 00:06:26.080 --> 00:06:29.200 I put on my jammies and hopped  into bed with Doctor Shapiro, 00:06:29.200 --> 00:06:33.120 who is also my wife by the way. I  tossed and turned for several hours. 00:06:33.120 --> 00:06:38.560 Sleep eluded me. My mind was racing with thoughts  about what had just happened. Am I going crazy? 00:06:38.560 --> 00:06:42.720 “No. You are not going crazy.” The voice  came from the foot of my bed. I looked 00:06:42.720 --> 00:06:46.480 up and saw Reggie Fils-Aimé,  the former C.E.O. of Nintendo, 00:06:46.480 --> 00:06:51.600 standing over me. “You are not crazy,” he said  in a calm voice. “You are in terrible danger.” 00:06:51.600 --> 00:06:55.600 “What are you doing here?” I asked Reggie  Fils-Aimé. “You are on the board of directors 00:06:55.600 --> 00:06:59.600 at Gamestop. Aren’t you busy trying to  keep your company from going bankrupt?” 00:06:59.600 --> 00:07:03.120 “That is why I am here.” Reggie’s  voice boomed throughout the room. 00:07:03.120 --> 00:07:07.040 “Customer service is very important to me. And  I fear that you are in trouble of having bad 00:07:07.040 --> 00:07:11.360 customer service. You see, the video game  you purchased from Gamestop is haunted. 00:07:11.360 --> 00:07:13.920 If you are not careful, you  could meet a grizzly fate.” 00:07:13.920 --> 00:07:18.160 I was very annoyed that Reggie was talking to  me this way. “Listen here Reggie,” I said in a 00:07:18.160 --> 00:07:22.480 stern voice. “If you don’t get out of my house  I will grab my shotgun and make you leave.” 00:07:22.480 --> 00:07:26.560 Reggie chuckled. “HA HA HA HA! You don’t  understand. I am not in your house.” 00:07:26.560 --> 00:07:31.840 Reggie snapped his fingers. The walls and floor of  my bedroom began to dissolve. I turned to my wife. 00:07:31.840 --> 00:07:36.640 Doctor Mor Shapiro, but she was already gone.  It was just Reggie and I alone in a dark void. 00:07:36.640 --> 00:07:41.760 I looked over to Reggie, who had a smug grin on  his face. “What are you?” I asked in disbelief. 00:07:41.760 --> 00:07:46.240 Reggie walked closer. “Do you really think  they let anyone be the C.E.O. of Nintendo? 00:07:46.240 --> 00:07:50.400 Absolutely not. My powers far exceed  those of any human. Including you, 00:07:50.400 --> 00:07:54.560 Ben Shapiro. So I think it’s about time  you started treating me with respect. 00:07:54.560 --> 00:07:58.720 And if you don’t listen to me now, things  could end very badly for you, my friend.” 00:07:58.720 --> 00:08:03.360 Reggie Fils-Aimé was right. “Well then spit it  out!” I said. “What is going to happen to me?” 00:08:04.080 --> 00:08:07.920 Reggie snapped his fingers again. We were  transported to a living room covered in 00:08:07.920 --> 00:08:12.800 blood. Forensics teams were taking pictures.  I looked over and saw two men kneeled over 00:08:12.800 --> 00:08:18.000 by the television. The screen was broken, and  an overturned Sega Dreamcast was next to it. 00:08:18.000 --> 00:08:21.120 “I can’t believe it!” One of the  men said. “It appears to be some 00:08:21.120 --> 00:08:24.240 kind of quill. Like from a  hedgehog. But it’s blue.” 00:08:24.240 --> 00:08:28.560 “That is impossible!'' The second man  shouted. “Hedgehogs are not blue, dumbass.” 00:08:28.560 --> 00:08:31.360 “Would you just shut up and  let me do my job, dickhole?” 00:08:32.000 --> 00:08:35.440 The two men faded away, along with  the rest of the gruesome scene. 00:08:35.440 --> 00:08:40.000 “Do you understand now?” Reggie asked. “If you  keep playing that game, you will be killed.” 00:08:40.000 --> 00:08:44.320 My hands were shaking. My lips were  trembling. My throat was a little scratchy. 00:08:44.320 --> 00:08:46.880 “Was this really the work of  Sonic the Hedgehog?” I asked. 00:08:46.880 --> 00:08:48.720 “I’m afraid so.” Reggie sighed. 00:08:48.720 --> 00:08:51.840 “I can’t believe Sonic would  do this.” I started sobbing. 00:08:51.840 --> 00:08:55.520 Reggie patted me on the back. “It’s  not that surprising, honestly. 00:08:55.520 --> 00:08:57.040 Sonic has always been a bad boy.” 00:08:57.600 --> 00:09:01.760 “What am I supposed to play now?” I  asked. “How can I go on without Sonic.” 00:09:01.760 --> 00:09:07.600 Reggie comforted me. “It’s okay. I’ll tell you  what. Super Mario 3D All Stars is now on sale. 00:09:07.600 --> 00:09:10.400 I can put one aside for you to  pick up at Gamestop tomorrow.” 00:09:10.400 --> 00:09:14.560 I froze. Suddenly, everything became clear to me. 00:09:14.560 --> 00:09:17.600 I chuckled. “You just overplayed  your hand, Reggie boy.” 00:09:17.600 --> 00:09:20.720 “What are you talking about?” Reggie  said defensively. “Don’t you want to 00:09:20.720 --> 00:09:23.600 play Super Mario 64 with updated HUD sprites?” 00:09:23.600 --> 00:09:28.560 I laughed in Reggie’s face. “So this was all  a ruse to trick me into denouncing Sonic? 00:09:28.560 --> 00:09:33.360 You have some impressive powers, magic man. But  it will take more than that to fool Ben Shapiro.” 00:09:33.360 --> 00:09:38.080 Reggie’s face turned red. “Listen to me!” he  shouted. “Sonic the Hedgehog is a murderer. 00:09:38.080 --> 00:09:39.840 You are doomed if you keep playing that game.” 00:09:40.400 --> 00:09:44.880 I laughed even harder. “Oh yeah,  and is Master Chief a pedophile?” 00:09:44.880 --> 00:09:48.800 Reggie fell silent. “Alright, Ben. If  you want to keep playing that game, 00:09:48.800 --> 00:09:53.680 I won’t stop you. But I hope your body is  ready. I hope it is ready to experience pain 00:09:53.680 --> 00:09:57.760 and agony like you have never known before.  I hope your mind and spirit are prepared 00:09:57.760 --> 00:10:02.400 for the wrath of Sonic. Very few people  are more powerful than me. Doug Bowser, 00:10:02.400 --> 00:10:07.360 Shigeru Miyamoto, the Nostalgia Critic. But  Sonic is very close. You won’t be able to 00:10:07.360 --> 00:10:11.680 beat him on your own. So if you need help,  just call out to me. And I’ll be there.” 00:10:11.680 --> 00:10:17.040 I rolled my eyes. “God, you are more annoying than  Alexandria Ocasio Cortez. Just get me out of here 00:10:17.040 --> 00:10:22.000 already.” Reggie Fils-Aimé stood silently for  a moment. I could see the conflict in his face. 00:10:22.000 --> 00:10:26.720 Perhaps he was being honest. Or maybe he was upset  that he couldn’t trick me. It did not matter at 00:10:26.720 --> 00:10:32.160 this point. I love Sonic, and it is impossible for  anyone to change that. Reggie snapped his fingers 00:10:32.160 --> 00:10:37.760 one last time. I was suddenly back in bed, sweat  running down my brow. Was it all just a dream? 00:10:37.760 --> 00:10:42.400 I calmed myself down. Alright Ben, let’s  think about this factually and logically. 00:10:42.400 --> 00:10:48.320 Reggie Fils-Aimé does not have magic powers. Super  Mario 3D All Stars is a lazy port and a rip off. 00:10:48.320 --> 00:10:53.760 Hedgehogs do not actually exist. I went to the  bathroom and splashed some water on my face. 00:10:53.760 --> 00:10:56.960 When I turned off the tap, I  heard music off in the distance. 00:10:56.960 --> 00:11:00.960 I would know that music anywhere. It was  the song my wife and I danced to during our 00:11:00.960 --> 00:11:05.360 wedding. It was the menu theme of Sonic  Adventure 2. Also my wife is a doctor. 00:11:05.360 --> 00:11:10.320 I stumbled, half asleep into the living room. Sure  enough, Sonic Adventure 2 was on the television. 00:11:11.040 --> 00:11:16.960 Silly me. I must have forgotten to turn it off.  I stepped towards the game console, then stopped. 00:11:16.960 --> 00:11:21.600 After that nightmare, it might be better to stay  up for a while. What harm could there be in that. 00:11:21.600 --> 00:11:26.240 I sat down on the couch, grabbed the controller  and set my gaze on the television screen, 00:11:26.240 --> 00:11:29.280 which illuminated the dark room  with comforting, familiar light. 00:11:29.280 --> 00:11:33.920 The game was already on the story select screen.  The cursor hovered over that mysterious third game 00:11:33.920 --> 00:11:39.680 mode, Hell Story. I’m not sure what provoked me  to select that option. Was it simply curiosity? 00:11:39.680 --> 00:11:44.320 Or was it some kind of self hatred? Was I trying  to prove something? Even on the other side of all 00:11:44.320 --> 00:11:48.960 this, I’m still not sure. What goes through a  man’s mind while he is ruining his life? Is any 00:11:48.960 --> 00:11:54.560 thought justified? All my accolades and knowledge.  Is it all worthless in the face of one stupid act? 00:11:54.560 --> 00:11:59.440 Hell Story started off with a cutscene of  Dr. Eggman. I love Dr. Eggman. Shadow might 00:11:59.440 --> 00:12:05.120 be my favorite, but Eggman is the character I  relate to. Amazing physique, incredibly high IQ, 00:12:05.120 --> 00:12:10.000 completely misunderstood. Dr. Eggman also  reminds me of my wife for some reason. 00:12:10.000 --> 00:12:14.160 I’m not sure why. But something was clearly  very wrong with Eggman in this cutscene. 00:12:14.160 --> 00:12:18.720 He was sitting alone on the floor of the  Space Colony ARK, sobbing quietly to himself. 00:12:18.720 --> 00:12:22.640 “Please!” He cried. “Don’t do it.  I’ll put my evil past behind me. 00:12:22.640 --> 00:12:26.320 I will never defame the moon again.  I’ll return the Chaos Emeralds. 00:12:26.320 --> 00:12:31.360 Just please. Don’t. kill. Me.” Eggman’s  words were trembling at this point. 00:12:31.360 --> 00:12:35.920 Suddenly another figure came into view. It was  Sonic the Hedgehog. And he was holding a gun. 00:12:36.560 --> 00:12:41.840 “Sorry Eggman, but I can’t let you live any  longer.” Sonic cocked his gun. “Now get a load 00:12:41.840 --> 00:12:48.560 of this.” The screen went dark. Bang. I couldn’t  believe it. Doctor Eggman was fucking dead. 00:12:48.560 --> 00:12:53.920 A loading screen popped up for the first level. It  was a Knuckles level. It was called Escape Pod. I 00:12:53.920 --> 00:12:58.000 had to collect three keys to unlock the door to  the escape bay of the space colony. There was 00:12:58.000 --> 00:13:02.800 also a time limit of eleven minutes and thirty  four seconds. The level was actually quite fun. 00:13:02.800 --> 00:13:08.080 I even felt like a kid again. But Sonic’s voice  would frequently come over the intercom. “I’m 00:13:08.080 --> 00:13:12.800 coming to get you, Knuckles.” “You are running  out of time. And then you are next, Ben Shapiro.” 00:13:12.800 --> 00:13:17.840 This put a bit of a damper on my experience but  I still really enjoyed the level. The next level 00:13:17.840 --> 00:13:22.240 was a Tails level. I had to make it to the  escape pod that I had unlocked as Knuckles. 00:13:22.240 --> 00:13:25.920 The strangest thing about this level  was that there were no enemies or music. 00:13:25.920 --> 00:13:29.040 It was just Tails walking through  a dark and lonely spaceship. 00:13:29.040 --> 00:13:34.000 It reminded me of my last birthday party. Sonic  would come over the intercom in this level too. 00:13:34.000 --> 00:13:38.640 He said such awful things. “I am going  to kill you Tails.” “You are dead Tails.” 00:13:38.640 --> 00:13:43.120 I beat the level without too much trouble. But  when Tails arrived at the escape pod, Knuckles was 00:13:43.120 --> 00:13:49.040 nowhere to be found. Tails cried out for him, but  there was no response. Tails then started weeping. 00:13:49.040 --> 00:13:54.560 Between the sobs, I could hear faint footsteps.  I knew those footsteps anywhere. It was Sonic. 00:13:54.560 --> 00:13:58.720 “Hey Tails!” Sonic called out. “Did  you see what I did to Baldy McNosehair? 00:13:58.720 --> 00:14:01.680 I think we should change his  name to Corpsey McNoface.” 00:14:01.680 --> 00:14:06.080 “Why are you doing this?” Tails cried. “You’re  a good guy! You are supposed to help people!” 00:14:06.080 --> 00:14:09.760 Sonic laughed. “I am helping people,  Tails. It might not seem like it, 00:14:09.760 --> 00:14:12.560 but there are some very bad people  who need to be taught a lesson.” 00:14:12.560 --> 00:14:17.120 Sonic looked straight at the camera. “There are  some very bad people, indeed.” He pointed his 00:14:17.120 --> 00:14:22.160 gun right at me. I’m not sure what it was, but  I somehow knew I was in great danger. I ducked 00:14:22.160 --> 00:14:26.240 out of the way of the television. The screen  shattered as a bullet flew through the glass. 00:14:26.240 --> 00:14:29.200 The bullet grazed my leg as  I tumbled down to the floor. 00:14:29.200 --> 00:14:34.000 Sonic the Hedgehog had just tried to kill me. I  was in complete shock. I haven’t felt this way 00:14:34.000 --> 00:14:39.840 since Obama won the 2012 election. My entire  life was now in shambles. My hero, my friend, 00:14:39.840 --> 00:14:44.640 my first love just tried to kill me. The words  of Reggie Fils-Aimé rang through my head. Sonic 00:14:44.640 --> 00:14:51.360 has always been a bad boy. It was true. But why  me? Why Ben Shapiro? Everybody loves Ben Shapiro. 00:14:51.920 --> 00:14:56.080 And then it hit me. “Oh my  god. Sonic must be a liberal.” 00:14:56.080 --> 00:15:00.880 Environmentalist themes are rampant in Sonic  games, the fact that Sonic always runs around 00:15:00.880 --> 00:15:05.920 in the nude, the fact that his fur is blue.  I pulled out my phone and Googled “Is Sonic 00:15:06.560 --> 00:15:11.600 the Hedgehog a democrat?” I found an image of a  Bernie Sanders rally. And sure enough. There he 00:15:11.600 --> 00:15:16.480 was hidden in the crowd. Sonic the Hedgehog. He  was holding a sign up that said “Free Healthcare 00:15:16.480 --> 00:15:21.920 for All”. I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach.  How could this be? Why did I never notice? 00:15:21.920 --> 00:15:25.520 Rivers of blood were running down my leg at  this point. I called out “Is there a doctor 00:15:25.520 --> 00:15:30.000 in the house?!” To my dismay, my wife, who  is a doctor by the way, had just gone out 00:15:30.000 --> 00:15:34.480 for milk. So there was in fact no doctor in  the house. I crafted a makeshift tourniquet 00:15:34.480 --> 00:15:38.640 out of copies of the Constitution that I keep  in every single drawer of my house. I was no 00:15:38.640 --> 00:15:43.200 longer bleeding like a stuck pig, but I knew I  would lose consciousness soon if I didn't act. 00:15:43.200 --> 00:15:47.920 Suddenly, I heard a loud shattering sound come  from the guest room. Oh my God. It must have been 00:15:47.920 --> 00:15:52.560 the other television. I limped over to the room  to see that it was empty. The television appeared 00:15:52.560 --> 00:15:57.840 to have been broken from the inside. Sonic was  inside the house. I could tell. I scanned the 00:15:57.840 --> 00:16:02.960 room for any sign of where he might have gone. I  saw that the guest closet door was closed. Gotcha, 00:16:02.960 --> 00:16:07.600 I whispered under my breath. I reached under  the guest bed and pulled out my shotgun. 00:16:07.600 --> 00:16:12.880 I crept up to the door. I heard heavy breathing  coming from the other side. I cocked my shotgun, 00:16:12.880 --> 00:16:14.640 stuck it up against the door, and fired. 00:16:16.160 --> 00:16:20.400 A loud howling erupted from the other  side of the door. Sonic was finished. 00:16:20.400 --> 00:16:24.960 I opened the door and flicked on the light to get  a better view of my handiwork. My jaw dropped as 00:16:24.960 --> 00:16:30.000 the shotgun slipped out of my hands and onto the  ground. I had just shot Knuckles the Echidna. 00:16:30.000 --> 00:16:32.080 “Fuck! Holy Fuck! Jesus Christ! You just 00:16:32.080 --> 00:16:35.840 fucking shot me!” Knuckles bawled.  “What the hell is wrong with you?!” 00:16:35.840 --> 00:16:38.320 “I am so sorry. I am so sorry.”I told him. 00:16:38.880 --> 00:16:41.440 “You fucking idiot! You  shot me! You goddamn moron!” 00:16:42.160 --> 00:16:44.720 “Hey, I happen to have a  very high IQ.” I told him. 00:16:45.360 --> 00:16:48.800 Knuckles continued screaming for a  minute or two until falling silent. 00:16:48.800 --> 00:16:54.320 He was dead. A painful silence filled the  room. My mind was racing, but at the same time, 00:16:54.320 --> 00:16:58.480 it was also completely blank. They don’t  prepare you for this at Harvard Law School. 00:16:58.480 --> 00:17:01.760 I picked the shotgun back up and  stumbled back into the living room. 00:17:01.760 --> 00:17:07.120 The Sega Dreamcast was gone. “I know you are  here, Sonic!” I shouted. “So just come out now!” 00:17:07.920 --> 00:17:12.560 Silence. My eyes kept darting all around  the room. He could be anywhere I thought. 00:17:12.560 --> 00:17:16.400 The adrenaline in my system that was keeping  my leg from hurting was starting to wear off. 00:17:16.400 --> 00:17:20.000 Fatigue was setting in. Shit.  If I don’t deal with Sonic soon, 00:17:20.000 --> 00:17:23.680 I’m a goner. Out of the corner of my eye,  I thought I saw something in the kitchen. 00:17:29.320 --> 00:17:30.320 Bang! 00:17:30.320 --> 00:17:36.560 It was nothing. Then a chilling realization hit  me. I was out of bullets. Then I heard his voice. 00:17:36.560 --> 00:17:39.680 “You should be careful, Ben. Are you  not aware that seventy percent of 00:17:39.680 --> 00:17:42.800 accidental gun deaths occur in  the home? If you are not careful, 00:17:42.800 --> 00:17:46.240 your love of the second amendment is going  to get you killed. And we wouldn’t want that, 00:17:46.240 --> 00:17:50.800 would we?” Fear cascaded through my nervous  system. I tried to pinch myself awake, 00:17:50.800 --> 00:17:55.440 but this was no dream. This was reality.  I took a deep breath and turned around. 00:17:55.440 --> 00:17:59.600 There he was. Sonic the Hedgehog. Hyper  realistic blood running down his face. 00:17:59.600 --> 00:18:04.160 My first thought was to run. But I knew that  would be pointless. I knew that he could snap 00:18:04.160 --> 00:18:09.120 my neck in a millisecond if he wanted to. I was  a fly caught in his web. And I knew he wanted to 00:18:09.120 --> 00:18:14.160 take his time with me. To torture me. To put me  in so much pain that I would forget my own name 00:18:14.160 --> 00:18:18.240 or even forget what a disaster the  Affordable Care Act was. I was doomed. 00:18:18.240 --> 00:18:22.640 “Don't worry, buddy.” Sonic taunted. “This  will only hurt a lot.” He started to walk 00:18:22.640 --> 00:18:26.960 closer towards me. Each step like the gong of  a bell in my ears. I never should have walked 00:18:26.960 --> 00:18:31.600 into the Gamestop. How could the free market  have done this to me. I had only one hope. 00:18:31.600 --> 00:18:34.880 I cried out for Reggie. He was  the only one who could stop this. 00:18:34.880 --> 00:18:38.000 There is no way he would let  Gamestop get bad publicity like this. 00:18:38.000 --> 00:18:41.120 As Sonic stepped closer, a cloud  of smoke appeared. Out of the fog, 00:18:41.120 --> 00:18:44.400 Reggie Fils-Aimé appeared.  “Thank God, you came!” I smiled. 00:18:44.400 --> 00:18:47.680 “Anything for a customer.” Reggie  turned his attention towards Sonic, 00:18:47.680 --> 00:18:50.240 who was still smiling with  his smug smile that he does. 00:18:50.240 --> 00:18:53.760 “So, you called on your big brother to  help you out, Ben. That is so sweet. 00:18:53.760 --> 00:18:58.400 I guess I will have to get rid of you both then.  I have always wanted to get my hands on Mario. 00:18:58.400 --> 00:19:00.560 But I guess you will have to do, Reggie.” 00:19:00.560 --> 00:19:05.280 “Silence!” Reggie’s voice boomed throughout the  house. “You will never defeat me Sonic. I am but 00:19:05.280 --> 00:19:09.680 a mere projection of the real Reggie Fils-Aimé.  But I am still ten times stronger than you could 00:19:09.680 --> 00:19:13.920 ever hope to be. You are nothing more than a stain  on the world of gaming. You should have been wiped 00:19:13.920 --> 00:19:19.040 out years ago, but you keep hanging on. You are  quite resilient. I am afraid that your resilience 00:19:19.040 --> 00:19:24.160 ends tonight. I will do all in my power to destroy  you, Sonic. You will never again torture any-” 00:19:24.160 --> 00:19:27.360 Sonic leapt forward, jamming  his knee into Reggie’s stomach. 00:19:27.360 --> 00:19:30.400 Reggie yelled out in disbelief before  exploding into a puff of smoke. 00:19:31.120 --> 00:19:35.680 “What. How. Did.” I stuttered  my words in absolute fear. 00:19:35.680 --> 00:19:39.200 Sonic dusted himself off.” I knew  he was too weak to handle me. 00:19:39.200 --> 00:19:43.440 After all. Sega does what Nintendon’t.”  The room was spinning at this point. 00:19:43.440 --> 00:19:48.240 I spun around towards the front door. Maybe  if I could just get outside, I would be safe. 00:19:48.240 --> 00:19:53.680 I started towards the door, but collapsed due to  exhaustion. Sonic started laughing at me. I could 00:19:53.680 --> 00:19:58.000 tell by his laugh that he was absolutely giddy  as he watched me try to escape with my life. 00:19:58.000 --> 00:20:03.920 “Come on, Ben!” Sonic said. “We could go to  Six Flags. Just like you’ve always wanted. You, 00:20:03.920 --> 00:20:09.280 me, Knuckles. Oh wait, you killed Knuckles,  didn’t you. That was very naughty of you, Ben, 00:20:09.280 --> 00:20:13.760 I think you’re going to need a time out. A  permanent time out!” I was at the door at this 00:20:13.760 --> 00:20:18.960 point, my bloody hand struggling to get a grip on  the knob. Sonic walked closer. End of the line. 00:20:18.960 --> 00:20:23.920 Suddenly the door opened. Dr. Shapiro, my  wife, was back with the milk. “Oh my God!” 00:20:23.920 --> 00:20:28.720 She screamed. “Ben, are you okay!” I tried to  speak but I was too tired to move my mouth. 00:20:28.720 --> 00:20:30.800 For once in my life, I was speechless. 00:20:30.800 --> 00:20:35.840 “You!” Sonic shouted in disbelief. “What are you  doing here?” I was confused by Sonic’s words, 00:20:35.840 --> 00:20:38.160 but I knew I needed medical attention right away. 00:20:38.160 --> 00:20:41.600 With what little strength I had left,  I looked at my wife and pleaded. 00:20:41.600 --> 00:20:43.360 “Please dear, I need a doctor.” 00:20:43.360 --> 00:20:46.240 My wife looked at me, revealing  a pain hidden in her eyes. 00:20:46.240 --> 00:20:51.200 “I have to tell you something, Ben. I am  not really a doctor. I was never a doctor.” 00:20:51.200 --> 00:20:53.360 “What!?” I said. “Of course you are!” 00:20:53.360 --> 00:20:57.920 “No.” She said. “I have been lying about my  entire life. You see, I am a demon hunter. 00:20:57.920 --> 00:21:02.560 And I have been hunting Sonic the Hedgehog  for decades now. You see, Sonic is a Demon.” 00:21:02.560 --> 00:21:05.120 “What!” I cried. My wife sighed. 00:21:05.120 --> 00:21:09.840 “I come from a place known as Genocide City. At  least that is what everyone called it after Sonic 00:21:09.840 --> 00:21:14.320 killed everyone there. My mother hid me under  the floorboards so Sonic didn’t get me. I have 00:21:14.320 --> 00:21:18.960 spent my whole life training so that one day I  could finally defeat him. I knew that Sonic hated 00:21:18.960 --> 00:21:23.280 conservatives. And I knew that you were obsessed  with finding anything related to Sonic. So I 00:21:23.280 --> 00:21:28.800 decided to marry you as a way to find Sonic. That  day has finally come. Don’t worry, Ben. I will 00:21:28.800 --> 00:21:34.880 take it from here.” My wife pulled out a giant  sword. “Alright Sonic,” she said. “Let’s dance.” 00:21:34.880 --> 00:21:38.880 Sonic ran straight into my wife, pushing them  both through the front door of the house. 00:21:38.880 --> 00:21:41.920 They began fighting out on our  open lawn, moving so quickly I 00:21:41.920 --> 00:21:46.080 could hardly tell which blurry figure was  my wife and which one was Sonic. Soon, 00:21:46.080 --> 00:21:49.040 the homeless people who all hang out  in our neighborhood started watching. 00:21:49.040 --> 00:21:52.880 “What is that thing?!” one called out.  “It looks like some kind of creature!” 00:21:52.880 --> 00:21:55.200 another answered, “That’s just Ben Shapiro.” 00:21:55.200 --> 00:21:59.440 I could not tell who was winning the fight. The  two moved at such incredible speed that I could 00:21:59.440 --> 00:22:03.440 not tell what was even happening. It was not until  my wife was sent through the wall of our house 00:22:03.440 --> 00:22:08.800 that I started to suspect she was losing. Although  her giant sword was incredibly cool looking, 00:22:08.800 --> 00:22:13.120 it seemed like she had trouble actually hitting  Sonic with it. I am not sure how one prepares 00:22:13.120 --> 00:22:17.760 to fight a demon. I took a demon slaying elective  at Harvard Law, but that was mostly just theory. 00:22:18.400 --> 00:22:21.760 Eventually, my wife was able to  pin Sonic underneath her sword. 00:22:21.760 --> 00:22:25.120 Sonic pushed hard against it, driving  himself further into the ground. 00:22:25.120 --> 00:22:28.720 “Give it up, Sonic!” She cried.  “I am sending you back to hell!” 00:22:28.720 --> 00:22:32.080 Suddenly the sword broke in half,  and my wife lost her footing. 00:22:32.080 --> 00:22:36.080 Sonic took advantage of this moment and  quickly pinned underneath his Soap shoe. 00:22:36.080 --> 00:22:39.200 “I am starting to get annoyed  at how weak you all think I am. 00:22:39.200 --> 00:22:44.720 In case you all forgot who I am. I’m Sonic! Sonic  the Hedgehog! I am the fastest thing alive!!” 00:22:44.720 --> 00:22:47.200 I had to think fast. If I didn’t do something, 00:22:47.200 --> 00:22:51.840 it might all be over. And then it  hit me. I called out. “Hey Sonic!” 00:22:51.840 --> 00:22:55.040 “Huh?!” Sonic turned to face me. “Well, well, 00:22:55.040 --> 00:22:58.960 well. If it isn’t Ben Shapiro. The  one who awoke me from my slumber. 00:22:58.960 --> 00:23:04.000 Sorry about your house. And your lawn. Any last  words before I ruin the rest of your life?” 00:23:04.000 --> 00:23:04.800 “Mario is better!” 00:23:05.600 --> 00:23:07.680 Sonic froze. “What did you say?!” 00:23:07.680 --> 00:23:11.440 “Mario is better than Sonic!” I said again. I  stood to my feet, a rush of strength coursed 00:23:11.440 --> 00:23:15.520 through my veins. “Eight of the fifty  best selling games ever are Mario titles. 00:23:15.520 --> 00:23:21.040 Sonic only has one. Level design in Mario games  is vastly superior to that of Sonic games. Super 00:23:21.040 --> 00:23:26.400 Mario Galaxy is one hundred times more polished  than any 3D Sonic title. Sega has no idea how to 00:23:26.400 --> 00:23:31.280 make a good Sonic game, whereas Mario games have  remained consistently good for thirty five years.” 00:23:31.280 --> 00:23:35.040 Sonic was clearly confused. “What are  you talking about? Aren’t you one of my 00:23:35.040 --> 00:23:37.520 biggest fans? Why would you spread such nonsense?” 00:23:38.160 --> 00:23:42.360 I chuckled. “I’m not spreading nonsense.  I’m spreading facts and logic.” 00:23:42.360 --> 00:23:47.440 “What!?” Sonic took a step back in shock, and  then realized that my wife had slipped out of his 00:23:47.440 --> 00:23:52.640 grasp. Just then, she pierced through his body  from behind using the broken end of her sword. 00:23:52.640 --> 00:23:57.280 Sonic gasped out for air, clearly struggling  to breathe. “You bastard!” he shouted. 00:23:57.280 --> 00:23:59.440 “Sorry, Sonic.” My wife said plainly. 00:23:59.440 --> 00:24:03.520 “But it looks like it’s game over!” It  was at this point Sonic began inflating. 00:24:03.520 --> 00:24:08.480 His true demonic form was finally coming to  light. Sonic’s body continued to grow in size. 00:24:08.480 --> 00:24:13.600 It reminded me of images I used to look at on  Deviant Art Dot Com. Sonic moaned and roared. And 00:24:13.600 --> 00:24:18.480 then finally, the demon exploded, raining hyper  realistic blood down over the entire block. The 00:24:18.480 --> 00:24:22.800 crowd of homeless people surrounding our house  cheered out. Finally the nightmare was over. 00:24:22.800 --> 00:24:28.080 By this point, everything became a blur. The  next thing I knew, I was in a hospital bed. My 00:24:28.080 --> 00:24:31.840 wife was there, along with a real doctor,  who jumped up when they saw me wake up. 00:24:31.840 --> 00:24:36.240 “Thank god you are alive, Ben!” My wife  said. “We are all so happy you are alive!” 00:24:36.240 --> 00:24:39.760 “Yes,” the doctor agreed. “This  truly is a miracle. Anyway your bill 00:24:39.760 --> 00:24:44.720 is one hundred and fifty thousand dollars.”  We all started laughing. God bless America. 00:24:44.720 --> 00:24:49.680 After a while I finally returned home. We buried  Knuckles out in the backyard, and I bought myself 00:24:49.680 --> 00:24:55.360 a copy of Super Mario 3D All Stars. It might  be a rip off. But the games are still quality. 00:24:55.360 --> 00:24:57.680 Not long after these events we moved to Nashville, 00:24:57.680 --> 00:25:02.400 Tennessee and I accidentally misplaced my  haunted copy of Sonic Adventure 2. Otherwise 00:25:02.400 --> 00:25:06.960 I would have dumped a rom onto the internet  to prove that any of this happened. Oh well. 00:25:06.960 --> 00:25:12.400 I learned a lot about myself during these times. I  learned to stop obsessing over Sonic the Hedgehog. 00:25:12.400 --> 00:25:17.760 I finally went to Six Flags. All by myself.  And it was fucking dope. I also learned that 00:25:17.760 --> 00:25:23.840 my wife is not a doctor. Boy, do I have egg on  my face. I also learned the importance of facts 00:25:23.840 --> 00:25:29.680 and logic. Well, I guess I already knew that.  But I reaffirmed that I was correct. And most 00:25:29.680 --> 00:25:32.800 importantly, I learned that I should  never step foot in a Gamestop again.