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I am posting this story online in hopes that 
someone out there hears what I have to say

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and believes me. My name is Ben Shapiro. I 
live an ordinary life in the United States.

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Like most people I own a lot of libs, 
but I also own a lot of video games.

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That’s right. Video games. I try not to talk about 
it much, but my favorite video game franchise is

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Sonic the Hedgehog. It’s extremely popular among 
conservative talk show hosts for some reason.

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But if we talk about it publicly, we 
are ostracized. Remember when Glenn

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Beck was kicked off Fox News? That’s 
because of his segment on why Sonic

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is better than Mario. So we try to 
keep quiet about our love of Sonic.

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But one of my favorite pastimes is to 
collect rare and obscure Sonic games.

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I own at least three Sonic pachinko machines and 
even own a signed copy of Sonic Dreams Collection.

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I will often go to flea markets or garage 
sales looking for vintage Sonic games and other

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merchandise. I have spent approximately sixty 
five thousand dollars on Sonic media, including

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a very expensive commission of a drawing of me 
hanging out with Sonic and Knuckles at Six Flags.

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But that was far from the biggest price I ever 
paid for Sonic. No. That day came just a few

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weeks ago when my wife, who is a doctor 
by the way, and I walked into a Gamestop.

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The building itself was decrepit and 
disgusting. The lights flickered grimly,

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and half the shelves were basked in 
darkness. The whole place reeked of

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body odor. There was a sullen look of despair 
on the face of every single person there.

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There was truly a depressing presence 
hanging over every inch of that place.

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In other words, it looked like a perfectly 
ordinary looking Gamestop. But it wasn’t.

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This Gamestop housed a truly eldritch horror that 
I was unknowingly about to welcome into my life.

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There was, of course, the standard 
affair of PlayStation and Xbox games.

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Nothing too exciting. I had no interest in Red 
Dead Redemption 2 or Sekiro, Shadows Die Twice.

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I have no interest in normie trash like that. 
Eventually, a display case in a dark corner of

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the store caught my eye. Now we are talking. 
My wife, Dr. Shapiro, and I sauntered over

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to the counter for a closer look. There were 
some random Gameboy and PlayStation games. But

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what really surprised me was a CD with the words 
Sonic Adventure 2 written on it in black sharpie.

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The Gamestop clerk walked over to us.

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“Is there anything I can help you with?” she 
asked, her horrible breath wafting into my face.

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“Yes,” I said. “What is the deal 
with this copy of Sonic Adventure 2?”

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The woman scratched her head. 
“If I remember correctly,

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some crazy lunatic brought that 
game in. He said it was haunted.”

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“Really?” I asked.

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She replied. “Look, I don’t fucking 
know. Now do you want it or not?”

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“I’ll take it!” I exclaimed. My wife paid 
for the game and we quickly exited the

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store. On the way home, I explained to 
my wife that Sonic Adventure 2 for the

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Sega Dreamcast is far superior 
to the Nintendo GameCube port.

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The GameCube port was horribly butchered. You 
would think the port was done by Democrats.

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Yes, it’s that bad. When we finally got home, I 
dusted off my old Sega to give my new game a try.

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The game started up perfectly normally. I breezed 
through the main menu and went to story mode.

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Hero and Dark story were both already available 
as usual. But I noticed another story. Hell story.

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I could not recall there being a Hell story when 
I first played Sonic Adventure 2. So that seemed

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a little odd. But I was too excited to play some 
Sonic to think about it for very long. I selected

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Hero story and was presented with the opening 
cutscene of Sonic jumping out of a helicopter.

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The first level City Escape started 
up and I felt a rush of excitement.

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My only complaint with this level is the lack of 
homeless people scattered throughout the streets.

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This is clearly supposed to be San Fancisco, 
and we all know that liberal run cities are a

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hotbed of homelessness and poverty. 
No wonder Sonic is trying to escape

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from the city. Because liberal run 
cities are awful and I hate them.

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It had been a while since I played 
Sonic Adventure 2, but had little

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trouble handling the blue blur. I guess you 
could say I am a bit of a professional gamer.

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I quickly made it to the chase sequence with the 
semi truck. But I noticed that there appeared to

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be realistic human screaming whenever the truck 
ran over the cars on the sides of the road.

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It sounded a lot like how some people 
scream when I own them with facts and logic.

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Sonic was then cornered by a GUN 
agent inside a robot called Big Foot.

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But every time Sonic hit the cockpit, the pilot 
would scream out in pain and call for his family.

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Once I defeated him, the robot exploded and 
realistic chunks of blood and guts rained down

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over the battlefield. I didn’t remember 
any of this from previous playthroughs,

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but sometimes even extremely smart Harvard 
graduates like me forget one or two things.

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Then my favorite Sonic the Hedgehog 
character appeared. Shadow the Hedgehog.

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I was so excited that my voice almost raised 
by half a decibel. I know all the words to this

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scene so well that I was mouthing along with 
the characters. Except there was one problem.

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Shadow is supposed to say “My name is 
Shadow. I'm the world's ultimate life

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form! There's no time for games. Farewell.” 
Instead he said this. “My name is Shadow,

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and your days are numbered, Ben Shapiro.”

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I have been threatened at least sixty times in my 
life, but never by a cartoon hedgehog. Needless to

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say, this was quite unusual. Is it possible that 
the big tiddy goth girl who worked at Gamestop

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was telling the truth? Was there some kind of 
evil force locked away inside the disc spinning

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around inside my Dreamcast? Or maybe that half 
a Bud Light I drank was really getting to me.

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I decided to keep a level head and push onward.

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The next few levels went by without too 
much trouble. I’ve always been a fan of the

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Knuckles and Tails levels. I have watched 
a lot of YouTube videos of people saying

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these levels are not as good. But those 
people are morons. You heard me, morons.

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Anyway, I made it to the scene where 
Amy breaks Sonic out of Guantanamo Bay.

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I love this scene. Sonamy is easily my 
favorite ship. They have such great chemistry.

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Seriously, do not try to tell me that Sonic 
belongs with Sally Acorn, or Princess Elise,

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or Big the Cat. Amy is his one true love. 
I’m sorry, but hedgehog marriage should be

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between a hedgehog and a hedgehog. Otherwise, the 
entire society of Mobius would collapse. I have

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done quite a bit of research on this so do not 
even bother trying to debate me in the threads.

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Getting back to the game. I noticed something 
a little strange during the Guantanamo Bay

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cut scene. In the jail cell are copious 
amounts of notes written by Gerald Robotnik.

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But I noticed a different note sprawled 
along the wall in hyper realistic blood.

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It said “I’m coming for you Ben Shapiro.” 
I had no idea what to make of this.

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Was this some kind of visual glitch? Sonic 
Adventure 2 is a pretty old game, after all.

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It was at this point that I was getting very 
tired. I had a busy day of talking about how

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all people on Medicaid are freeloaders ahead 
of me and I needed my beauty rest. I turned off

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the Dreamcast, got up to stretch and made my way 
for the bathroom until I heard a faint whisper.

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A faint whisper that shook me to my very core. 
It said “Hey I’ll play with you some other time!”

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And it almost sounded like Sonic. It sounded 
somewhat like Ryan Drummond, but there was

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a hint of Jaleel White. Maybe a touch of Jason 
Griffith and a splash of Roger Craig Smith. Also

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there was some Martin Burke and Ben Schwartz too, 
as well as Jaleel White. I immediately wet myself.

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Possibly out of fear, or possibly because I have 
poor control of my bladder, or possibly both.

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I put on my jammies and hopped 
into bed with Doctor Shapiro,

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who is also my wife by the way. I 
tossed and turned for several hours.

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Sleep eluded me. My mind was racing with thoughts 
about what had just happened. Am I going crazy?

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“No. You are not going crazy.” The voice 
came from the foot of my bed. I looked

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up and saw Reggie Fils-Aimé, 
the former C.E.O. of Nintendo,

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standing over me. “You are not crazy,” he said 
in a calm voice. “You are in terrible danger.”

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“What are you doing here?” I asked Reggie 
Fils-Aimé. “You are on the board of directors

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at Gamestop. Aren’t you busy trying to 
keep your company from going bankrupt?”

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“That is why I am here.” Reggie’s 
voice boomed throughout the room.

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“Customer service is very important to me. And 
I fear that you are in trouble of having bad

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customer service. You see, the video game 
you purchased from Gamestop is haunted.

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If you are not careful, you 
could meet a grizzly fate.”

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I was very annoyed that Reggie was talking to 
me this way. “Listen here Reggie,” I said in a

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stern voice. “If you don’t get out of my house 
I will grab my shotgun and make you leave.”

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Reggie chuckled. “HA HA HA HA! You don’t 
understand. I am not in your house.”

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Reggie snapped his fingers. The walls and floor of 
my bedroom began to dissolve. I turned to my wife.

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Doctor Mor Shapiro, but she was already gone. 
It was just Reggie and I alone in a dark void.

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I looked over to Reggie, who had a smug grin on 
his face. “What are you?” I asked in disbelief.

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Reggie walked closer. “Do you really think 
they let anyone be the C.E.O. of Nintendo?

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Absolutely not. My powers far exceed 
those of any human. Including you,

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Ben Shapiro. So I think it’s about time 
you started treating me with respect.

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And if you don’t listen to me now, things 
could end very badly for you, my friend.”

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Reggie Fils-Aimé was right. “Well then spit it 
out!” I said. “What is going to happen to me?”

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Reggie snapped his fingers again. We were 
transported to a living room covered in

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blood. Forensics teams were taking pictures. 
I looked over and saw two men kneeled over

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by the television. The screen was broken, and 
an overturned Sega Dreamcast was next to it.

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“I can’t believe it!” One of the 
men said. “It appears to be some

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kind of quill. Like from a 
hedgehog. But it’s blue.”

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“That is impossible!'' The second man 
shouted. “Hedgehogs are not blue, dumbass.”

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“Would you just shut up and 
let me do my job, dickhole?”

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The two men faded away, along with 
the rest of the gruesome scene.

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“Do you understand now?” Reggie asked. “If you 
keep playing that game, you will be killed.”

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My hands were shaking. My lips were 
trembling. My throat was a little scratchy.

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“Was this really the work of 
Sonic the Hedgehog?” I asked.

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“I’m afraid so.” Reggie sighed.

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“I can’t believe Sonic would 
do this.” I started sobbing.

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Reggie patted me on the back. “It’s 
not that surprising, honestly.

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Sonic has always been a bad boy.”

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“What am I supposed to play now?” I 
asked. “How can I go on without Sonic.”

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Reggie comforted me. “It’s okay. I’ll tell you 
what. Super Mario 3D All Stars is now on sale.

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I can put one aside for you to 
pick up at Gamestop tomorrow.”

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I froze. Suddenly, everything became clear to me.

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I chuckled. “You just overplayed 
your hand, Reggie boy.”

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“What are you talking about?” Reggie 
said defensively. “Don’t you want to

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play Super Mario 64 with updated HUD sprites?”

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I laughed in Reggie’s face. “So this was all 
a ruse to trick me into denouncing Sonic?

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You have some impressive powers, magic man. But 
it will take more than that to fool Ben Shapiro.”

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Reggie’s face turned red. “Listen to me!” he 
shouted. “Sonic the Hedgehog is a murderer.

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You are doomed if you keep playing that game.”

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I laughed even harder. “Oh yeah, 
and is Master Chief a pedophile?”

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Reggie fell silent. “Alright, Ben. If 
you want to keep playing that game,

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I won’t stop you. But I hope your body is 
ready. I hope it is ready to experience pain

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and agony like you have never known before. 
I hope your mind and spirit are prepared

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for the wrath of Sonic. Very few people 
are more powerful than me. Doug Bowser,

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Shigeru Miyamoto, the Nostalgia Critic. But 
Sonic is very close. You won’t be able to

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beat him on your own. So if you need help, 
just call out to me. And I’ll be there.”

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I rolled my eyes. “God, you are more annoying than 
Alexandria Ocasio Cortez. Just get me out of here

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already.” Reggie Fils-Aimé stood silently for 
a moment. I could see the conflict in his face.

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Perhaps he was being honest. Or maybe he was upset 
that he couldn’t trick me. It did not matter at

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this point. I love Sonic, and it is impossible for 
anyone to change that. Reggie snapped his fingers

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one last time. I was suddenly back in bed, sweat 
running down my brow. Was it all just a dream?

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I calmed myself down. Alright Ben, let’s 
think about this factually and logically.

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Reggie Fils-Aimé does not have magic powers. Super 
Mario 3D All Stars is a lazy port and a rip off.

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00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:53,760
Hedgehogs do not actually exist. I went to the 
bathroom and splashed some water on my face.

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When I turned off the tap, I 
heard music off in the distance.

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I would know that music anywhere. It was 
the song my wife and I danced to during our

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wedding. It was the menu theme of Sonic 
Adventure 2. Also my wife is a doctor.

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00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:10,320
I stumbled, half asleep into the living room. Sure 
enough, Sonic Adventure 2 was on the television.

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Silly me. I must have forgotten to turn it off. 
I stepped towards the game console, then stopped.

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After that nightmare, it might be better to stay 
up for a while. What harm could there be in that.

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I sat down on the couch, grabbed the controller 
and set my gaze on the television screen,

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which illuminated the dark room 
with comforting, familiar light.

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The game was already on the story select screen. 
The cursor hovered over that mysterious third game

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mode, Hell Story. I’m not sure what provoked me 
to select that option. Was it simply curiosity?

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Or was it some kind of self hatred? Was I trying 
to prove something? Even on the other side of all

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this, I’m still not sure. What goes through a 
man’s mind while he is ruining his life? Is any

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thought justified? All my accolades and knowledge. 
Is it all worthless in the face of one stupid act?

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Hell Story started off with a cutscene of 
Dr. Eggman. I love Dr. Eggman. Shadow might

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be my favorite, but Eggman is the character I 
relate to. Amazing physique, incredibly high IQ,

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completely misunderstood. Dr. Eggman also 
reminds me of my wife for some reason.

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I’m not sure why. But something was clearly 
very wrong with Eggman in this cutscene.

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He was sitting alone on the floor of the 
Space Colony ARK, sobbing quietly to himself.

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“Please!” He cried. “Don’t do it. 
I’ll put my evil past behind me.

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I will never defame the moon again. 
I’ll return the Chaos Emeralds.

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00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:31,360
Just please. Don’t. kill. Me.” Eggman’s 
words were trembling at this point.

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Suddenly another figure came into view. It was 
Sonic the Hedgehog. And he was holding a gun.

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“Sorry Eggman, but I can’t let you live any 
longer.” Sonic cocked his gun. “Now get a load

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of this.” The screen went dark. Bang. I couldn’t 
believe it. Doctor Eggman was fucking dead.

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00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:53,920
A loading screen popped up for the first level. It 
was a Knuckles level. It was called Escape Pod. I

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had to collect three keys to unlock the door to 
the escape bay of the space colony. There was

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00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:02,800
also a time limit of eleven minutes and thirty 
four seconds. The level was actually quite fun.

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00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:08,080
I even felt like a kid again. But Sonic’s voice 
would frequently come over the intercom. “I’m

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coming to get you, Knuckles.” “You are running 
out of time. And then you are next, Ben Shapiro.”

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This put a bit of a damper on my experience but 
I still really enjoyed the level. The next level

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was a Tails level. I had to make it to the 
escape pod that I had unlocked as Knuckles.

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The strangest thing about this level 
was that there were no enemies or music.

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It was just Tails walking through 
a dark and lonely spaceship.

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It reminded me of my last birthday party. Sonic 
would come over the intercom in this level too.

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He said such awful things. “I am going 
to kill you Tails.” “You are dead Tails.”

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I beat the level without too much trouble. But 
when Tails arrived at the escape pod, Knuckles was

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nowhere to be found. Tails cried out for him, but 
there was no response. Tails then started weeping.

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Between the sobs, I could hear faint footsteps. 
I knew those footsteps anywhere. It was Sonic.

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“Hey Tails!” Sonic called out. “Did 
you see what I did to Baldy McNosehair?

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I think we should change his 
name to Corpsey McNoface.”

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00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:06,080
“Why are you doing this?” Tails cried. “You’re 
a good guy! You are supposed to help people!”

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Sonic laughed. “I am helping people, 
Tails. It might not seem like it,

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but there are some very bad people 
who need to be taught a lesson.”

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00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:17,120
Sonic looked straight at the camera. “There are 
some very bad people, indeed.” He pointed his

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gun right at me. I’m not sure what it was, but 
I somehow knew I was in great danger. I ducked

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out of the way of the television. The screen 
shattered as a bullet flew through the glass.

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00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:29,200
The bullet grazed my leg as 
I tumbled down to the floor.

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Sonic the Hedgehog had just tried to kill me. I 
was in complete shock. I haven’t felt this way

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since Obama won the 2012 election. My entire 
life was now in shambles. My hero, my friend,

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00:14:39,840 --> 00:14:44,640
my first love just tried to kill me. The words 
of Reggie Fils-Aimé rang through my head. Sonic

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00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:51,360
has always been a bad boy. It was true. But why 
me? Why Ben Shapiro? Everybody loves Ben Shapiro.

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00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:56,080
And then it hit me. “Oh my 
god. Sonic must be a liberal.”

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00:14:56,080 --> 00:15:00,880
Environmentalist themes are rampant in Sonic 
games, the fact that Sonic always runs around

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00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:05,920
in the nude, the fact that his fur is blue. 
I pulled out my phone and Googled “Is Sonic

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00:15:06,560 --> 00:15:11,600
the Hedgehog a democrat?” I found an image of a 
Bernie Sanders rally. And sure enough. There he

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00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:16,480
was hidden in the crowd. Sonic the Hedgehog. He 
was holding a sign up that said “Free Healthcare

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00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:21,920
for All”. I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach. 
How could this be? Why did I never notice?

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Rivers of blood were running down my leg at 
this point. I called out “Is there a doctor

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00:15:25,520 --> 00:15:30,000
in the house?!” To my dismay, my wife, who 
is a doctor by the way, had just gone out

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00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:34,480
for milk. So there was in fact no doctor in 
the house. I crafted a makeshift tourniquet

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00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:38,640
out of copies of the Constitution that I keep 
in every single drawer of my house. I was no

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00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:43,200
longer bleeding like a stuck pig, but I knew I 
would lose consciousness soon if I didn't act.

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00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:47,920
Suddenly, I heard a loud shattering sound come 
from the guest room. Oh my God. It must have been

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00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:52,560
the other television. I limped over to the room 
to see that it was empty. The television appeared

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00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:57,840
to have been broken from the inside. Sonic was 
inside the house. I could tell. I scanned the

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00:15:57,840 --> 00:16:02,960
room for any sign of where he might have gone. I 
saw that the guest closet door was closed. Gotcha,

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00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:07,600
I whispered under my breath. I reached under 
the guest bed and pulled out my shotgun.

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00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:12,880
I crept up to the door. I heard heavy breathing 
coming from the other side. I cocked my shotgun,

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stuck it up against the door, and fired.

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00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:20,400
A loud howling erupted from the other 
side of the door. Sonic was finished.

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00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:24,960
I opened the door and flicked on the light to get 
a better view of my handiwork. My jaw dropped as

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00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:30,000
the shotgun slipped out of my hands and onto the 
ground. I had just shot Knuckles the Echidna.

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00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,080
“Fuck! Holy Fuck! Jesus Christ! You just

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00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:35,840
fucking shot me!” Knuckles bawled. 
“What the hell is wrong with you?!”

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00:16:35,840 --> 00:16:38,320
“I am so sorry. I am so sorry.”I told him.

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00:16:38,880 --> 00:16:41,440
“You fucking idiot! You 
shot me! You goddamn moron!”

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00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:44,720
“Hey, I happen to have a 
very high IQ.” I told him.

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00:16:45,360 --> 00:16:48,800
Knuckles continued screaming for a 
minute or two until falling silent.

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00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:54,320
He was dead. A painful silence filled the 
room. My mind was racing, but at the same time,

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00:16:54,320 --> 00:16:58,480
it was also completely blank. They don’t 
prepare you for this at Harvard Law School.

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00:16:58,480 --> 00:17:01,760
I picked the shotgun back up and 
stumbled back into the living room.

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00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:07,120
The Sega Dreamcast was gone. “I know you are 
here, Sonic!” I shouted. “So just come out now!”

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00:17:07,920 --> 00:17:12,560
Silence. My eyes kept darting all around 
the room. He could be anywhere I thought.

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00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:16,400
The adrenaline in my system that was keeping 
my leg from hurting was starting to wear off.

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00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:20,000
Fatigue was setting in. Shit. 
If I don’t deal with Sonic soon,

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00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:23,680
I’m a goner. Out of the corner of my eye, 
I thought I saw something in the kitchen.

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00:17:29,320 --> 00:17:30,320
Bang!

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00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:36,560
It was nothing. Then a chilling realization hit 
me. I was out of bullets. Then I heard his voice.

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00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:39,680
“You should be careful, Ben. Are you 
not aware that seventy percent of

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00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:42,800
accidental gun deaths occur in 
the home? If you are not careful,

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00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:46,240
your love of the second amendment is going 
to get you killed. And we wouldn’t want that,

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00:17:46,240 --> 00:17:50,800
would we?” Fear cascaded through my nervous 
system. I tried to pinch myself awake,

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00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:55,440
but this was no dream. This was reality. 
I took a deep breath and turned around.

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00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:59,600
There he was. Sonic the Hedgehog. Hyper 
realistic blood running down his face.

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00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:04,160
My first thought was to run. But I knew that 
would be pointless. I knew that he could snap

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00:18:04,160 --> 00:18:09,120
my neck in a millisecond if he wanted to. I was 
a fly caught in his web. And I knew he wanted to

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00:18:09,120 --> 00:18:14,160
take his time with me. To torture me. To put me 
in so much pain that I would forget my own name

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00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:18,240
or even forget what a disaster the 
Affordable Care Act was. I was doomed.

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00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:22,640
“Don't worry, buddy.” Sonic taunted. “This 
will only hurt a lot.” He started to walk

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00:18:22,640 --> 00:18:26,960
closer towards me. Each step like the gong of 
a bell in my ears. I never should have walked

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00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:31,600
into the Gamestop. How could the free market 
have done this to me. I had only one hope.

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00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:34,880
I cried out for Reggie. He was 
the only one who could stop this.

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00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:38,000
There is no way he would let 
Gamestop get bad publicity like this.

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00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:41,120
As Sonic stepped closer, a cloud 
of smoke appeared. Out of the fog,

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00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:44,400
Reggie Fils-Aimé appeared. 
“Thank God, you came!” I smiled.

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00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:47,680
“Anything for a customer.” Reggie 
turned his attention towards Sonic,

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00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:50,240
who was still smiling with 
his smug smile that he does.

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00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:53,760
“So, you called on your big brother to 
help you out, Ben. That is so sweet.

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00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:58,400
I guess I will have to get rid of you both then. 
I have always wanted to get my hands on Mario.

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00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:00,560
But I guess you will have to do, Reggie.”

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00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:05,280
“Silence!” Reggie’s voice boomed throughout the 
house. “You will never defeat me Sonic. I am but

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00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:09,680
a mere projection of the real Reggie Fils-Aimé. 
But I am still ten times stronger than you could

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00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:13,920
ever hope to be. You are nothing more than a stain 
on the world of gaming. You should have been wiped

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00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:19,040
out years ago, but you keep hanging on. You are 
quite resilient. I am afraid that your resilience

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00:19:19,040 --> 00:19:24,160
ends tonight. I will do all in my power to destroy 
you, Sonic. You will never again torture any-”

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00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:27,360
Sonic leapt forward, jamming 
his knee into Reggie’s stomach.

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00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:30,400
Reggie yelled out in disbelief before 
exploding into a puff of smoke.

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00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:35,680
“What. How. Did.” I stuttered 
my words in absolute fear.

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00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:39,200
Sonic dusted himself off.” I knew 
he was too weak to handle me.

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00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:43,440
After all. Sega does what Nintendon’t.” 
The room was spinning at this point.

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00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:48,240
I spun around towards the front door. Maybe 
if I could just get outside, I would be safe.

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00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:53,680
I started towards the door, but collapsed due to 
exhaustion. Sonic started laughing at me. I could

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00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:58,000
tell by his laugh that he was absolutely giddy 
as he watched me try to escape with my life.

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00:19:58,000 --> 00:20:03,920
“Come on, Ben!” Sonic said. “We could go to 
Six Flags. Just like you’ve always wanted. You,

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00:20:03,920 --> 00:20:09,280
me, Knuckles. Oh wait, you killed Knuckles, 
didn’t you. That was very naughty of you, Ben,

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00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:13,760
I think you’re going to need a time out. A 
permanent time out!” I was at the door at this

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00:20:13,760 --> 00:20:18,960
point, my bloody hand struggling to get a grip on 
the knob. Sonic walked closer. End of the line.

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00:20:18,960 --> 00:20:23,920
Suddenly the door opened. Dr. Shapiro, my 
wife, was back with the milk. “Oh my God!”

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00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:28,720
She screamed. “Ben, are you okay!” I tried to 
speak but I was too tired to move my mouth.

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00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:30,800
For once in my life, I was speechless.

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00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:35,840
“You!” Sonic shouted in disbelief. “What are you 
doing here?” I was confused by Sonic’s words,

288
00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:38,160
but I knew I needed medical attention right away.

289
00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:41,600
With what little strength I had left, 
I looked at my wife and pleaded.

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00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:43,360
“Please dear, I need a doctor.”

291
00:20:43,360 --> 00:20:46,240
My wife looked at me, revealing 
a pain hidden in her eyes.

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00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:51,200
“I have to tell you something, Ben. I am 
not really a doctor. I was never a doctor.”

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00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:53,360
“What!?” I said. “Of course you are!”

294
00:20:53,360 --> 00:20:57,920
“No.” She said. “I have been lying about my 
entire life. You see, I am a demon hunter.

295
00:20:57,920 --> 00:21:02,560
And I have been hunting Sonic the Hedgehog 
for decades now. You see, Sonic is a Demon.”

296
00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:05,120
“What!” I cried. My wife sighed.

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00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:09,840
“I come from a place known as Genocide City. At 
least that is what everyone called it after Sonic

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00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:14,320
killed everyone there. My mother hid me under 
the floorboards so Sonic didn’t get me. I have

299
00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:18,960
spent my whole life training so that one day I 
could finally defeat him. I knew that Sonic hated

300
00:21:18,960 --> 00:21:23,280
conservatives. And I knew that you were obsessed 
with finding anything related to Sonic. So I

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00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:28,800
decided to marry you as a way to find Sonic. That 
day has finally come. Don’t worry, Ben. I will

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00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:34,880
take it from here.” My wife pulled out a giant 
sword. “Alright Sonic,” she said. “Let’s dance.”

303
00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:38,880
Sonic ran straight into my wife, pushing them 
both through the front door of the house.

304
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:41,920
They began fighting out on our 
open lawn, moving so quickly I

305
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:46,080
could hardly tell which blurry figure was 
my wife and which one was Sonic. Soon,

306
00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:49,040
the homeless people who all hang out 
in our neighborhood started watching.

307
00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:52,880
“What is that thing?!” one called out. 
“It looks like some kind of creature!”

308
00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:55,200
another answered, “That’s just Ben Shapiro.”

309
00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:59,440
I could not tell who was winning the fight. The 
two moved at such incredible speed that I could

310
00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:03,440
not tell what was even happening. It was not until 
my wife was sent through the wall of our house

311
00:22:03,440 --> 00:22:08,800
that I started to suspect she was losing. Although 
her giant sword was incredibly cool looking,

312
00:22:08,800 --> 00:22:13,120
it seemed like she had trouble actually hitting 
Sonic with it. I am not sure how one prepares

313
00:22:13,120 --> 00:22:17,760
to fight a demon. I took a demon slaying elective 
at Harvard Law, but that was mostly just theory.

314
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:21,760
Eventually, my wife was able to 
pin Sonic underneath her sword.

315
00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:25,120
Sonic pushed hard against it, driving 
himself further into the ground.

316
00:22:25,120 --> 00:22:28,720
“Give it up, Sonic!” She cried. 
“I am sending you back to hell!”

317
00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:32,080
Suddenly the sword broke in half, 
and my wife lost her footing.

318
00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:36,080
Sonic took advantage of this moment and 
quickly pinned underneath his Soap shoe.

319
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:39,200
“I am starting to get annoyed 
at how weak you all think I am.

320
00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:44,720
In case you all forgot who I am. I’m Sonic! Sonic 
the Hedgehog! I am the fastest thing alive!!”

321
00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:47,200
I had to think fast. If I didn’t do something,

322
00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:51,840
it might all be over. And then it 
hit me. I called out. “Hey Sonic!”

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00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:55,040
“Huh?!” Sonic turned to face me. “Well, well,

324
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:58,960
well. If it isn’t Ben Shapiro. The 
one who awoke me from my slumber.

325
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:04,000
Sorry about your house. And your lawn. Any last 
words before I ruin the rest of your life?”

326
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:04,800
“Mario is better!”

327
00:23:05,600 --> 00:23:07,680
Sonic froze. “What did you say?!”

328
00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:11,440
“Mario is better than Sonic!” I said again. I 
stood to my feet, a rush of strength coursed

329
00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:15,520
through my veins. “Eight of the fifty 
best selling games ever are Mario titles.

330
00:23:15,520 --> 00:23:21,040
Sonic only has one. Level design in Mario games 
is vastly superior to that of Sonic games. Super

331
00:23:21,040 --> 00:23:26,400
Mario Galaxy is one hundred times more polished 
than any 3D Sonic title. Sega has no idea how to

332
00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:31,280
make a good Sonic game, whereas Mario games have 
remained consistently good for thirty five years.”

333
00:23:31,280 --> 00:23:35,040
Sonic was clearly confused. “What are 
you talking about? Aren’t you one of my

334
00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:37,520
biggest fans? Why would you spread such nonsense?”

335
00:23:38,160 --> 00:23:42,360
I chuckled. “I’m not spreading nonsense. 
I’m spreading facts and logic.”

336
00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:47,440
“What!?” Sonic took a step back in shock, and 
then realized that my wife had slipped out of his

337
00:23:47,440 --> 00:23:52,640
grasp. Just then, she pierced through his body 
from behind using the broken end of her sword.

338
00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:57,280
Sonic gasped out for air, clearly struggling 
to breathe. “You bastard!” he shouted.

339
00:23:57,280 --> 00:23:59,440
“Sorry, Sonic.” My wife said plainly.

340
00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:03,520
“But it looks like it’s game over!” It 
was at this point Sonic began inflating.

341
00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:08,480
His true demonic form was finally coming to 
light. Sonic’s body continued to grow in size.

342
00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:13,600
It reminded me of images I used to look at on 
Deviant Art Dot Com. Sonic moaned and roared. And

343
00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:18,480
then finally, the demon exploded, raining hyper 
realistic blood down over the entire block. The

344
00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:22,800
crowd of homeless people surrounding our house 
cheered out. Finally the nightmare was over.

345
00:24:22,800 --> 00:24:28,080
By this point, everything became a blur. The 
next thing I knew, I was in a hospital bed. My

346
00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:31,840
wife was there, along with a real doctor, 
who jumped up when they saw me wake up.

347
00:24:31,840 --> 00:24:36,240
“Thank god you are alive, Ben!” My wife 
said. “We are all so happy you are alive!”

348
00:24:36,240 --> 00:24:39,760
“Yes,” the doctor agreed. “This 
truly is a miracle. Anyway your bill

349
00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:44,720
is one hundred and fifty thousand dollars.” 
We all started laughing. God bless America.

350
00:24:44,720 --> 00:24:49,680
After a while I finally returned home. We buried 
Knuckles out in the backyard, and I bought myself

351
00:24:49,680 --> 00:24:55,360
a copy of Super Mario 3D All Stars. It might 
be a rip off. But the games are still quality.

352
00:24:55,360 --> 00:24:57,680
Not long after these events we moved to Nashville,

353
00:24:57,680 --> 00:25:02,400
Tennessee and I accidentally misplaced my 
haunted copy of Sonic Adventure 2. Otherwise

354
00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:06,960
I would have dumped a rom onto the internet 
to prove that any of this happened. Oh well.

355
00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:12,400
I learned a lot about myself during these times. I 
learned to stop obsessing over Sonic the Hedgehog.

356
00:25:12,400 --> 00:25:17,760
I finally went to Six Flags. All by myself. 
And it was fucking dope. I also learned that

357
00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:23,840
my wife is not a doctor. Boy, do I have egg on 
my face. I also learned the importance of facts

358
00:25:23,840 --> 00:25:29,680
and logic. Well, I guess I already knew that. 
But I reaffirmed that I was correct. And most

359
00:25:29,680 --> 00:25:32,800
importantly, I learned that I should 
never step foot in a Gamestop again.