I am posting this story online in hopes that someone out there hears what I have to say
and believes me. My name is Ben Shapiro. I live an ordinary life in the United States.
Like most people I own a lot of libs, but I also own a lot of video games.
That’s right. Video games. I try not to talk about it much, but my favorite video game franchise is
Sonic the Hedgehog. It’s extremely popular among conservative talk show hosts for some reason.
But if we talk about it publicly, we are ostracized. Remember when Glenn
Beck was kicked off Fox News? That’s because of his segment on why Sonic
is better than Mario. So we try to keep quiet about our love of Sonic.
But one of my favorite pastimes is to collect rare and obscure Sonic games.
I own at least three Sonic pachinko machines and even own a signed copy of Sonic Dreams Collection.
I will often go to flea markets or garage sales looking for vintage Sonic games and other
merchandise. I have spent approximately sixty five thousand dollars on Sonic media, including
a very expensive commission of a drawing of me hanging out with Sonic and Knuckles at Six Flags.
But that was far from the biggest price I ever paid for Sonic. No. That day came just a few
weeks ago when my wife, who is a doctor by the way, and I walked into a Gamestop.
The building itself was decrepit and disgusting. The lights flickered grimly,
and half the shelves were basked in darkness. The whole place reeked of
body odor. There was a sullen look of despair on the face of every single person there.
There was truly a depressing presence hanging over every inch of that place.
In other words, it looked like a perfectly ordinary looking Gamestop. But it wasn’t.
This Gamestop housed a truly eldritch horror that I was unknowingly about to welcome into my life.
There was, of course, the standard affair of PlayStation and Xbox games.
Nothing too exciting. I had no interest in Red Dead Redemption 2 or Sekiro, Shadows Die Twice.
I have no interest in normie trash like that. Eventually, a display case in a dark corner of
the store caught my eye. Now we are talking. My wife, Dr. Shapiro, and I sauntered over
to the counter for a closer look. There were some random Gameboy and PlayStation games. But
what really surprised me was a CD with the words Sonic Adventure 2 written on it in black sharpie.
The Gamestop clerk walked over to us.
“Is there anything I can help you with?” she asked, her horrible breath wafting into my face.
“Yes,” I said. “What is the deal with this copy of Sonic Adventure 2?”
The woman scratched her head. “If I remember correctly,
some crazy lunatic brought that game in. He said it was haunted.”
“Really?” I asked.
She replied. “Look, I don’t fucking know. Now do you want it or not?”
“I’ll take it!” I exclaimed. My wife paid for the game and we quickly exited the
store. On the way home, I explained to my wife that Sonic Adventure 2 for the
Sega Dreamcast is far superior to the Nintendo GameCube port.
The GameCube port was horribly butchered. You would think the port was done by Democrats.
Yes, it’s that bad. When we finally got home, I dusted off my old Sega to give my new game a try.
The game started up perfectly normally. I breezed through the main menu and went to story mode.
Hero and Dark story were both already available as usual. But I noticed another story. Hell story.
I could not recall there being a Hell story when I first played Sonic Adventure 2. So that seemed
a little odd. But I was too excited to play some Sonic to think about it for very long. I selected
Hero story and was presented with the opening cutscene of Sonic jumping out of a helicopter.
The first level City Escape started up and I felt a rush of excitement.
My only complaint with this level is the lack of homeless people scattered throughout the streets.
This is clearly supposed to be San Fancisco, and we all know that liberal run cities are a
hotbed of homelessness and poverty. No wonder Sonic is trying to escape
from the city. Because liberal run cities are awful and I hate them.
It had been a while since I played Sonic Adventure 2, but had little
trouble handling the blue blur. I guess you could say I am a bit of a professional gamer.
I quickly made it to the chase sequence with the semi truck. But I noticed that there appeared to
be realistic human screaming whenever the truck ran over the cars on the sides of the road.
It sounded a lot like how some people scream when I own them with facts and logic.
Sonic was then cornered by a GUN agent inside a robot called Big Foot.
But every time Sonic hit the cockpit, the pilot would scream out in pain and call for his family.
Once I defeated him, the robot exploded and realistic chunks of blood and guts rained down
over the battlefield. I didn’t remember any of this from previous playthroughs,
but sometimes even extremely smart Harvard graduates like me forget one or two things.
Then my favorite Sonic the Hedgehog character appeared. Shadow the Hedgehog.
I was so excited that my voice almost raised by half a decibel. I know all the words to this
scene so well that I was mouthing along with the characters. Except there was one problem.
Shadow is supposed to say “My name is Shadow. I'm the world's ultimate life
form! There's no time for games. Farewell.” Instead he said this. “My name is Shadow,
and your days are numbered, Ben Shapiro.”
I have been threatened at least sixty times in my life, but never by a cartoon hedgehog. Needless to
say, this was quite unusual. Is it possible that the big tiddy goth girl who worked at Gamestop
was telling the truth? Was there some kind of evil force locked away inside the disc spinning
around inside my Dreamcast? Or maybe that half a Bud Light I drank was really getting to me.
I decided to keep a level head and push onward.
The next few levels went by without too much trouble. I’ve always been a fan of the
Knuckles and Tails levels. I have watched a lot of YouTube videos of people saying
these levels are not as good. But those people are morons. You heard me, morons.
Anyway, I made it to the scene where Amy breaks Sonic out of Guantanamo Bay.
I love this scene. Sonamy is easily my favorite ship. They have such great chemistry.
Seriously, do not try to tell me that Sonic belongs with Sally Acorn, or Princess Elise,
or Big the Cat. Amy is his one true love. I’m sorry, but hedgehog marriage should be
between a hedgehog and a hedgehog. Otherwise, the entire society of Mobius would collapse. I have
done quite a bit of research on this so do not even bother trying to debate me in the threads.
Getting back to the game. I noticed something a little strange during the Guantanamo Bay
cut scene. In the jail cell are copious amounts of notes written by Gerald Robotnik.
But I noticed a different note sprawled along the wall in hyper realistic blood.
It said “I’m coming for you Ben Shapiro.” I had no idea what to make of this.
Was this some kind of visual glitch? Sonic Adventure 2 is a pretty old game, after all.
It was at this point that I was getting very tired. I had a busy day of talking about how
all people on Medicaid are freeloaders ahead of me and I needed my beauty rest. I turned off
the Dreamcast, got up to stretch and made my way for the bathroom until I heard a faint whisper.
A faint whisper that shook me to my very core. It said “Hey I’ll play with you some other time!”
And it almost sounded like Sonic. It sounded somewhat like Ryan Drummond, but there was
a hint of Jaleel White. Maybe a touch of Jason Griffith and a splash of Roger Craig Smith. Also
there was some Martin Burke and Ben Schwartz too, as well as Jaleel White. I immediately wet myself.
Possibly out of fear, or possibly because I have poor control of my bladder, or possibly both.
I put on my jammies and hopped into bed with Doctor Shapiro,
who is also my wife by the way. I tossed and turned for several hours.
Sleep eluded me. My mind was racing with thoughts about what had just happened. Am I going crazy?
“No. You are not going crazy.” The voice came from the foot of my bed. I looked
up and saw Reggie Fils-Aimé, the former C.E.O. of Nintendo,
standing over me. “You are not crazy,” he said in a calm voice. “You are in terrible danger.”
“What are you doing here?” I asked Reggie Fils-Aimé. “You are on the board of directors
at Gamestop. Aren’t you busy trying to keep your company from going bankrupt?”
“That is why I am here.” Reggie’s voice boomed throughout the room.
“Customer service is very important to me. And I fear that you are in trouble of having bad
customer service. You see, the video game you purchased from Gamestop is haunted.
If you are not careful, you could meet a grizzly fate.”
I was very annoyed that Reggie was talking to me this way. “Listen here Reggie,” I said in a
stern voice. “If you don’t get out of my house I will grab my shotgun and make you leave.”
Reggie chuckled. “HA HA HA HA! You don’t understand. I am not in your house.”
Reggie snapped his fingers. The walls and floor of my bedroom began to dissolve. I turned to my wife.
Doctor Mor Shapiro, but she was already gone. It was just Reggie and I alone in a dark void.
I looked over to Reggie, who had a smug grin on his face. “What are you?” I asked in disbelief.
Reggie walked closer. “Do you really think they let anyone be the C.E.O. of Nintendo?
Absolutely not. My powers far exceed those of any human. Including you,
Ben Shapiro. So I think it’s about time you started treating me with respect.
And if you don’t listen to me now, things could end very badly for you, my friend.”
Reggie Fils-Aimé was right. “Well then spit it out!” I said. “What is going to happen to me?”
Reggie snapped his fingers again. We were transported to a living room covered in
blood. Forensics teams were taking pictures. I looked over and saw two men kneeled over
by the television. The screen was broken, and an overturned Sega Dreamcast was next to it.
“I can’t believe it!” One of the men said. “It appears to be some
kind of quill. Like from a hedgehog. But it’s blue.”
“That is impossible!'' The second man shouted. “Hedgehogs are not blue, dumbass.”
“Would you just shut up and let me do my job, dickhole?”
The two men faded away, along with the rest of the gruesome scene.
“Do you understand now?” Reggie asked. “If you keep playing that game, you will be killed.”
My hands were shaking. My lips were trembling. My throat was a little scratchy.
“Was this really the work of Sonic the Hedgehog?” I asked.
“I’m afraid so.” Reggie sighed.
“I can’t believe Sonic would do this.” I started sobbing.
Reggie patted me on the back. “It’s not that surprising, honestly.
Sonic has always been a bad boy.”
“What am I supposed to play now?” I asked. “How can I go on without Sonic.”
Reggie comforted me. “It’s okay. I’ll tell you what. Super Mario 3D All Stars is now on sale.
I can put one aside for you to pick up at Gamestop tomorrow.”
I froze. Suddenly, everything became clear to me.
I chuckled. “You just overplayed your hand, Reggie boy.”
“What are you talking about?” Reggie said defensively. “Don’t you want to
play Super Mario 64 with updated HUD sprites?”
I laughed in Reggie’s face. “So this was all a ruse to trick me into denouncing Sonic?
You have some impressive powers, magic man. But it will take more than that to fool Ben Shapiro.”
Reggie’s face turned red. “Listen to me!” he shouted. “Sonic the Hedgehog is a murderer.
You are doomed if you keep playing that game.”
I laughed even harder. “Oh yeah, and is Master Chief a pedophile?”
Reggie fell silent. “Alright, Ben. If you want to keep playing that game,
I won’t stop you. But I hope your body is ready. I hope it is ready to experience pain
and agony like you have never known before. I hope your mind and spirit are prepared
for the wrath of Sonic. Very few people are more powerful than me. Doug Bowser,
Shigeru Miyamoto, the Nostalgia Critic. But Sonic is very close. You won’t be able to
beat him on your own. So if you need help, just call out to me. And I’ll be there.”
I rolled my eyes. “God, you are more annoying than Alexandria Ocasio Cortez. Just get me out of here
already.” Reggie Fils-Aimé stood silently for a moment. I could see the conflict in his face.
Perhaps he was being honest. Or maybe he was upset that he couldn’t trick me. It did not matter at
this point. I love Sonic, and it is impossible for anyone to change that. Reggie snapped his fingers
one last time. I was suddenly back in bed, sweat running down my brow. Was it all just a dream?
I calmed myself down. Alright Ben, let’s think about this factually and logically.
Reggie Fils-Aimé does not have magic powers. Super Mario 3D All Stars is a lazy port and a rip off.
Hedgehogs do not actually exist. I went to the bathroom and splashed some water on my face.
When I turned off the tap, I heard music off in the distance.
I would know that music anywhere. It was the song my wife and I danced to during our
wedding. It was the menu theme of Sonic Adventure 2. Also my wife is a doctor.
I stumbled, half asleep into the living room. Sure enough, Sonic Adventure 2 was on the television.
Silly me. I must have forgotten to turn it off. I stepped towards the game console, then stopped.
After that nightmare, it might be better to stay up for a while. What harm could there be in that.
I sat down on the couch, grabbed the controller and set my gaze on the television screen,
which illuminated the dark room with comforting, familiar light.
The game was already on the story select screen. The cursor hovered over that mysterious third game
mode, Hell Story. I’m not sure what provoked me to select that option. Was it simply curiosity?
Or was it some kind of self hatred? Was I trying to prove something? Even on the other side of all
this, I’m still not sure. What goes through a man’s mind while he is ruining his life? Is any
thought justified? All my accolades and knowledge. Is it all worthless in the face of one stupid act?
Hell Story started off with a cutscene of Dr. Eggman. I love Dr. Eggman. Shadow might
be my favorite, but Eggman is the character I relate to. Amazing physique, incredibly high IQ,
completely misunderstood. Dr. Eggman also reminds me of my wife for some reason.
I’m not sure why. But something was clearly very wrong with Eggman in this cutscene.
He was sitting alone on the floor of the Space Colony ARK, sobbing quietly to himself.
“Please!” He cried. “Don’t do it. I’ll put my evil past behind me.
I will never defame the moon again. I’ll return the Chaos Emeralds.
Just please. Don’t. kill. Me.” Eggman’s words were trembling at this point.
Suddenly another figure came into view. It was Sonic the Hedgehog. And he was holding a gun.
“Sorry Eggman, but I can’t let you live any longer.” Sonic cocked his gun. “Now get a load
of this.” The screen went dark. Bang. I couldn’t believe it. Doctor Eggman was fucking dead.
A loading screen popped up for the first level. It was a Knuckles level. It was called Escape Pod. I
had to collect three keys to unlock the door to the escape bay of the space colony. There was
also a time limit of eleven minutes and thirty four seconds. The level was actually quite fun.
I even felt like a kid again. But Sonic’s voice would frequently come over the intercom. “I’m
coming to get you, Knuckles.” “You are running out of time. And then you are next, Ben Shapiro.”
This put a bit of a damper on my experience but I still really enjoyed the level. The next level
was a Tails level. I had to make it to the escape pod that I had unlocked as Knuckles.
The strangest thing about this level was that there were no enemies or music.
It was just Tails walking through a dark and lonely spaceship.
It reminded me of my last birthday party. Sonic would come over the intercom in this level too.
He said such awful things. “I am going to kill you Tails.” “You are dead Tails.”
I beat the level without too much trouble. But when Tails arrived at the escape pod, Knuckles was
nowhere to be found. Tails cried out for him, but there was no response. Tails then started weeping.
Between the sobs, I could hear faint footsteps. I knew those footsteps anywhere. It was Sonic.
“Hey Tails!” Sonic called out. “Did you see what I did to Baldy McNosehair?
I think we should change his name to Corpsey McNoface.”
“Why are you doing this?” Tails cried. “You’re a good guy! You are supposed to help people!”
Sonic laughed. “I am helping people, Tails. It might not seem like it,
but there are some very bad people who need to be taught a lesson.”
Sonic looked straight at the camera. “There are some very bad people, indeed.” He pointed his
gun right at me. I’m not sure what it was, but I somehow knew I was in great danger. I ducked
out of the way of the television. The screen shattered as a bullet flew through the glass.
The bullet grazed my leg as I tumbled down to the floor.
Sonic the Hedgehog had just tried to kill me. I was in complete shock. I haven’t felt this way
since Obama won the 2012 election. My entire life was now in shambles. My hero, my friend,
my first love just tried to kill me. The words of Reggie Fils-Aimé rang through my head. Sonic
has always been a bad boy. It was true. But why me? Why Ben Shapiro? Everybody loves Ben Shapiro.
And then it hit me. “Oh my god. Sonic must be a liberal.”
Environmentalist themes are rampant in Sonic games, the fact that Sonic always runs around
in the nude, the fact that his fur is blue. I pulled out my phone and Googled “Is Sonic
the Hedgehog a democrat?” I found an image of a Bernie Sanders rally. And sure enough. There he
was hidden in the crowd. Sonic the Hedgehog. He was holding a sign up that said “Free Healthcare
for All”. I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach. How could this be? Why did I never notice?
Rivers of blood were running down my leg at this point. I called out “Is there a doctor
in the house?!” To my dismay, my wife, who is a doctor by the way, had just gone out
for milk. So there was in fact no doctor in the house. I crafted a makeshift tourniquet
out of copies of the Constitution that I keep in every single drawer of my house. I was no
longer bleeding like a stuck pig, but I knew I would lose consciousness soon if I didn't act.
Suddenly, I heard a loud shattering sound come from the guest room. Oh my God. It must have been
the other television. I limped over to the room to see that it was empty. The television appeared
to have been broken from the inside. Sonic was inside the house. I could tell. I scanned the
room for any sign of where he might have gone. I saw that the guest closet door was closed. Gotcha,
I whispered under my breath. I reached under the guest bed and pulled out my shotgun.
I crept up to the door. I heard heavy breathing coming from the other side. I cocked my shotgun,
stuck it up against the door, and fired.
A loud howling erupted from the other side of the door. Sonic was finished.
I opened the door and flicked on the light to get a better view of my handiwork. My jaw dropped as
the shotgun slipped out of my hands and onto the ground. I had just shot Knuckles the Echidna.
“Fuck! Holy Fuck! Jesus Christ! You just
fucking shot me!” Knuckles bawled. “What the hell is wrong with you?!”
“I am so sorry. I am so sorry.”I told him.
“You fucking idiot! You shot me! You goddamn moron!”
“Hey, I happen to have a very high IQ.” I told him.
Knuckles continued screaming for a minute or two until falling silent.
He was dead. A painful silence filled the room. My mind was racing, but at the same time,
it was also completely blank. They don’t prepare you for this at Harvard Law School.
I picked the shotgun back up and stumbled back into the living room.
The Sega Dreamcast was gone. “I know you are here, Sonic!” I shouted. “So just come out now!”
Silence. My eyes kept darting all around the room. He could be anywhere I thought.
The adrenaline in my system that was keeping my leg from hurting was starting to wear off.
Fatigue was setting in. Shit. If I don’t deal with Sonic soon,
I’m a goner. Out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw something in the kitchen.
Bang!
It was nothing. Then a chilling realization hit me. I was out of bullets. Then I heard his voice.
“You should be careful, Ben. Are you not aware that seventy percent of
accidental gun deaths occur in the home? If you are not careful,
your love of the second amendment is going to get you killed. And we wouldn’t want that,
would we?” Fear cascaded through my nervous system. I tried to pinch myself awake,
but this was no dream. This was reality. I took a deep breath and turned around.
There he was. Sonic the Hedgehog. Hyper realistic blood running down his face.
My first thought was to run. But I knew that would be pointless. I knew that he could snap
my neck in a millisecond if he wanted to. I was a fly caught in his web. And I knew he wanted to
take his time with me. To torture me. To put me in so much pain that I would forget my own name
or even forget what a disaster the Affordable Care Act was. I was doomed.
“Don't worry, buddy.” Sonic taunted. “This will only hurt a lot.” He started to walk
closer towards me. Each step like the gong of a bell in my ears. I never should have walked
into the Gamestop. How could the free market have done this to me. I had only one hope.
I cried out for Reggie. He was the only one who could stop this.
There is no way he would let Gamestop get bad publicity like this.
As Sonic stepped closer, a cloud of smoke appeared. Out of the fog,
Reggie Fils-Aimé appeared. “Thank God, you came!” I smiled.
“Anything for a customer.” Reggie turned his attention towards Sonic,
who was still smiling with his smug smile that he does.
“So, you called on your big brother to help you out, Ben. That is so sweet.
I guess I will have to get rid of you both then. I have always wanted to get my hands on Mario.
But I guess you will have to do, Reggie.”
“Silence!” Reggie’s voice boomed throughout the house. “You will never defeat me Sonic. I am but
a mere projection of the real Reggie Fils-Aimé. But I am still ten times stronger than you could
ever hope to be. You are nothing more than a stain on the world of gaming. You should have been wiped
out years ago, but you keep hanging on. You are quite resilient. I am afraid that your resilience
ends tonight. I will do all in my power to destroy you, Sonic. You will never again torture any-”
Sonic leapt forward, jamming his knee into Reggie’s stomach.
Reggie yelled out in disbelief before exploding into a puff of smoke.
“What. How. Did.” I stuttered my words in absolute fear.
Sonic dusted himself off.” I knew he was too weak to handle me.
After all. Sega does what Nintendon’t.” The room was spinning at this point.
I spun around towards the front door. Maybe if I could just get outside, I would be safe.
I started towards the door, but collapsed due to exhaustion. Sonic started laughing at me. I could
tell by his laugh that he was absolutely giddy as he watched me try to escape with my life.
“Come on, Ben!” Sonic said. “We could go to Six Flags. Just like you’ve always wanted. You,
me, Knuckles. Oh wait, you killed Knuckles, didn’t you. That was very naughty of you, Ben,
I think you’re going to need a time out. A permanent time out!” I was at the door at this
point, my bloody hand struggling to get a grip on the knob. Sonic walked closer. End of the line.
Suddenly the door opened. Dr. Shapiro, my wife, was back with the milk. “Oh my God!”
She screamed. “Ben, are you okay!” I tried to speak but I was too tired to move my mouth.
For once in my life, I was speechless.
“You!” Sonic shouted in disbelief. “What are you doing here?” I was confused by Sonic’s words,
but I knew I needed medical attention right away.
With what little strength I had left, I looked at my wife and pleaded.
“Please dear, I need a doctor.”
My wife looked at me, revealing a pain hidden in her eyes.
“I have to tell you something, Ben. I am not really a doctor. I was never a doctor.”
“What!?” I said. “Of course you are!”
“No.” She said. “I have been lying about my entire life. You see, I am a demon hunter.
And I have been hunting Sonic the Hedgehog for decades now. You see, Sonic is a Demon.”
“What!” I cried. My wife sighed.
“I come from a place known as Genocide City. At least that is what everyone called it after Sonic
killed everyone there. My mother hid me under the floorboards so Sonic didn’t get me. I have
spent my whole life training so that one day I could finally defeat him. I knew that Sonic hated
conservatives. And I knew that you were obsessed with finding anything related to Sonic. So I
decided to marry you as a way to find Sonic. That day has finally come. Don’t worry, Ben. I will
take it from here.” My wife pulled out a giant sword. “Alright Sonic,” she said. “Let’s dance.”
Sonic ran straight into my wife, pushing them both through the front door of the house.
They began fighting out on our open lawn, moving so quickly I
could hardly tell which blurry figure was my wife and which one was Sonic. Soon,
the homeless people who all hang out in our neighborhood started watching.
“What is that thing?!” one called out. “It looks like some kind of creature!”
another answered, “That’s just Ben Shapiro.”
I could not tell who was winning the fight. The two moved at such incredible speed that I could
not tell what was even happening. It was not until my wife was sent through the wall of our house
that I started to suspect she was losing. Although her giant sword was incredibly cool looking,
it seemed like she had trouble actually hitting Sonic with it. I am not sure how one prepares
to fight a demon. I took a demon slaying elective at Harvard Law, but that was mostly just theory.
Eventually, my wife was able to pin Sonic underneath her sword.
Sonic pushed hard against it, driving himself further into the ground.
“Give it up, Sonic!” She cried. “I am sending you back to hell!”
Suddenly the sword broke in half, and my wife lost her footing.
Sonic took advantage of this moment and quickly pinned underneath his Soap shoe.
“I am starting to get annoyed at how weak you all think I am.
In case you all forgot who I am. I’m Sonic! Sonic the Hedgehog! I am the fastest thing alive!!”
I had to think fast. If I didn’t do something,
it might all be over. And then it hit me. I called out. “Hey Sonic!”
“Huh?!” Sonic turned to face me. “Well, well,
well. If it isn’t Ben Shapiro. The one who awoke me from my slumber.
Sorry about your house. And your lawn. Any last words before I ruin the rest of your life?”
“Mario is better!”
Sonic froze. “What did you say?!”
“Mario is better than Sonic!” I said again. I stood to my feet, a rush of strength coursed
through my veins. “Eight of the fifty best selling games ever are Mario titles.
Sonic only has one. Level design in Mario games is vastly superior to that of Sonic games. Super
Mario Galaxy is one hundred times more polished than any 3D Sonic title. Sega has no idea how to
make a good Sonic game, whereas Mario games have remained consistently good for thirty five years.”
Sonic was clearly confused. “What are you talking about? Aren’t you one of my
biggest fans? Why would you spread such nonsense?”
I chuckled. “I’m not spreading nonsense. I’m spreading facts and logic.”
“What!?” Sonic took a step back in shock, and then realized that my wife had slipped out of his
grasp. Just then, she pierced through his body from behind using the broken end of her sword.
Sonic gasped out for air, clearly struggling to breathe. “You bastard!” he shouted.
“Sorry, Sonic.” My wife said plainly.
“But it looks like it’s game over!” It was at this point Sonic began inflating.
His true demonic form was finally coming to light. Sonic’s body continued to grow in size.
It reminded me of images I used to look at on Deviant Art Dot Com. Sonic moaned and roared. And
then finally, the demon exploded, raining hyper realistic blood down over the entire block. The
crowd of homeless people surrounding our house cheered out. Finally the nightmare was over.
By this point, everything became a blur. The next thing I knew, I was in a hospital bed. My
wife was there, along with a real doctor, who jumped up when they saw me wake up.
“Thank god you are alive, Ben!” My wife said. “We are all so happy you are alive!”
“Yes,” the doctor agreed. “This truly is a miracle. Anyway your bill
is one hundred and fifty thousand dollars.” We all started laughing. God bless America.
After a while I finally returned home. We buried Knuckles out in the backyard, and I bought myself
a copy of Super Mario 3D All Stars. It might be a rip off. But the games are still quality.
Not long after these events we moved to Nashville,
Tennessee and I accidentally misplaced my haunted copy of Sonic Adventure 2. Otherwise
I would have dumped a rom onto the internet to prove that any of this happened. Oh well.
I learned a lot about myself during these times. I learned to stop obsessing over Sonic the Hedgehog.
I finally went to Six Flags. All by myself. And it was fucking dope. I also learned that
my wife is not a doctor. Boy, do I have egg on my face. I also learned the importance of facts
and logic. Well, I guess I already knew that. But I reaffirmed that I was correct. And most
importantly, I learned that I should never step foot in a Gamestop again.