Walt Disney - Pigs Is Pigs - 1954

The presence of a couple of guinea pigs at the Westcote railroad station create countless offspring as well as a load of paperwork for administrative bureaucrats including by-the-book agent Flannery when their owner won't pay the rate for standard pigs on them. Adapted from Ellis Parker Butler's story, this is one of the oddest shorts on the set, but it is certainly entertaining with its fast-paced, rhyming Irish-jig-like music.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR: In the Westcote
railway station in the year

1905, the agent there
was Flannery, the

best there was alive.

Flannery ran his station
exactly by the rules.

He tried to learn each
one by heart, just

like a kid in school.

There were rules for each
occasion, that applied from

tools to mules.

There were rules about
behavior and

rules defining rules.

FLANNERY: Two guinea pigs.

Hm.

You sure don't look like
pigs to me, but the

writing's plain to see.

It says you are, and there's
no doubt that

pigs is what you be.

[Guinea pigs make squeaking noises to each other]

NARRATOR: Whenever a customer
chanced to call, Flannery let

him fry until he could
look up the rule to

greet the fellow by.

FLANNERY: Let's see.

Oh, yes.

Good morning to you, says
Section Two, and

don't forget to smile.

MCMOREHOUSE: Morning it was,
I'll have you know, I've been

standing here a while.

FLANNERY: I'm supposed to say
I'm sorry, sir, it says in

Ruling Three.

MCMOREHOUSE: Dry your tears
and save your sneers.

Have you got some pets for me?

FLANNERY: Indeed I have.

Two guinea pigs.

See pigs, page 43.

According to the book
of rules, your pets

are pigs, you see.

MCMOREHOUSE: Pigs-- $0.48.

Pets-- $0.44.

What?

Guinea pigs aren't pigs,
they're pets,

and I'm paying $0.44.

FLANNERY: Pigs is pigs at $0.48,
and rules is rules,

what's more.

MCMOREHOUSE: Fools is fools,
you stubborn fool!

Will you not take $0.44?

FLANNERY: The regular
rate is $0.48!

MCMOREHOUSE: Very well, then.

[SINGING]

You take the high writ.

And I'll take the low writ.

And I'll not pay
you over $0.44.

FLANNERY: [SINGING]

Whenever an agent gets in
a debate and there is an

argument over the rate, the
agent must file for a ruling

up high and hold onto the
package until they reply.

MCMOREHOUSE: [SINGING]

Hold them then and
harm them not.

And when you find you're wrong,
deliver them to my

address, healthy, hale,
and strong!

[Door slamming]

NARRATOR: Then Flannery sat down
and sent a telegram away,

never dreaming he'd regret
it until his dying day.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

CHORUS: Supervisor's office,
Pigtown on the drive.

Flannery to Morgan,
May 6, 1905.

Holding two animals
in a crate.

Big dispute regarding rate.

Is a guinea pig a pig or pet?

Give ruling on the rate to set.

Flannery.

NARRATOR: The supervisor's
office was the

pride of the company.

It received old Flannery's
telegram with trained

efficiency.

CHORUS: [SINGING]

They examined the wire and
immediately dated it, stamped

the receipts and then
communicated it to the

department that quadruplicated
it.

Copies were sent out to
all of the staff.

Each copy received was filed
and related to copies of

copies that checked
and notated.

Nine copies of each were then
validated and contents were

noted in ink on the graph.

FLANNERY: A cabbage a day
keeps the doctor away.

Now both of you need a name.

I'll call one of you Pat,
and let me see--

Mike, I'll name the other.

NARRATOR: But he quickly
changed it to Marie-

FLANNERY: Ooh!

NARRATOR: When Mike
became a mother.

FLANNERY: The saints
be praised.

Now, ain't that fine.

I'm a family man myself.

[HUMMING]

Regards last wire of mine--

instead of us just two guinea
pigs, I now am holding nine.

CHORUS: [SINGING]

The legal department was then
delegated to study the problem

now so complicated when all of
the data was accumulated to

make a report and to tell
what they know.

The president wanted a full
explanation as well as an

overall clarification of
Flannery's wire that wanted to

know if a pig was a pig and
to please tell him so.

NARRATOR: Now the grandchild
of the first two pigs had

grandsons by the dozens.

And every time the clock would
strike, there were 50

brand-new cousins.

[Music and the sound of guinea pigs
munching on cabbages]

CHORUS: [SINGING]

the board of directors convened
and debated the

question of pigs and were they
related to pigs or to rabbits,

as once indicated by evidence
found by the fact-finding

[INAUDIBLE].

NARRATOR: A boy in the office
at first advocated it, and

then a zoology professor
dictated it.

Here is the answer, and here's
how he stated it.

ZOOLOGIST: I reiterate on
the company's behalf--

the guinea pig is the Cavea
aperia, while the common pig

is the Sus of the
family Suidae.

They are not pigs.

A $0.44 rate applies.

CHORUS: [SINGING]

10 copies were sent to the
filing clerk, and 10 to

O'Shaugnessy.

Then 20 more in triplicate
were sent on to McGee.

McGee will make 1,000 more for
all the clerks to see.

For the janitor and
the auditor and

the rest of the company.

100 were sent to the engineers,
and the firemen

each got four.

The section hands got three of
these, and the hobos, 20 more.

NARRATOR: With monotonous
regularity, those pigs

produced more pigs while
Flannery tried to stem the

tide by playing them
Irish jigs.

[PLAYING "THE IRISH

[PLAYING "THE IRISH WASHERWOMAN" AND SINGING JIBBERISH]

MORGAN: Regarding the
McMorehouse pigs, the $0.44

rate applies.

Signed, Morgan.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR: When Flannery got the
telegram, straight down

the road he tore to take the
news to McMorehouse.

But--

SPEAKER 1: McMorehouse doesn't
live here anymore!

FLANNERY: Bah!

NARRATOR: Then Flannery
wired the office.

FLANNERY: Tell me quick,
what do I do?

There is no rule to cover the
case, so now it's up to you.

SPEAKER 2: Not me!

See V.P.

SPEAKER 3: See Joe.

SPEAKER 4: See Jack.

SPEAKER 5: See Larry.

SPEAKER 2: See Tom.

SPEAKER 6: See Dick.

SPEAKER 7: See Harry.

CHORUS: [SINGING]

Then a clever young clerk made
the recommendation the pigs

should be sent to the
main office station.

He never did know of the
multiplication that two pigs

that grew to a million
and two.

NARRATOR: Flannery loaded the
pigs in crates, in boxes,

bags, and sacks.

He filled 600 boxcars up--

according to the facts.

After loading all pigs but two
and looking weak and wan,

Flannery turned to the
pigs and said--

FLANNERY: You've begat
and begot--

now, be gone!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[Train whistle sounds off]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

CHORUS: [SINGING]

They unloaded the cars at the
main office station and filled

up the warehouse in desperation
they stored away

pigs in the whole corporation.

The president shouted
until he was hoarse.

PRESIDENT:
[SHOUTING UNINTELLIGIBLY]

CHORUS: [SINGING]

Three officials submitted their
signed resignation.

OFFICIALS: [SINGING]

Complaining of pigs in
the organization.

CHORUS: [SINGING]

The president added an
interpretation that Flannery

pigs and the whole
lot were born.

FLANNERY: Dear President,
'tis not so bad as it

seemed to be once.

What if all those guinea pigs
had all been elephants?

[Flannery laughing]

Boo!

Oh!

[Cymbol clash]

[Train whistle]

[Sounds of train moving]

NARRATOR: From that day forward,
Flannery swore--

FLANNERY: No more will
I be a fool.

Whenever it comes to
livestock, dash

every single rule.

If the animals come in singles
or if they come in sets, if

they've got four feet and
they're alive, they'll be

classified as pets.

[MUSIC PLAYING]