[MUSIC PLAYING]
NARRATOR: In the Westcote railway station in the year
1905, the agent there was Flannery, the
best there was alive.
Flannery ran his station exactly by the rules.
He tried to learn each one by heart, just
like a kid in school.
There were rules for each occasion, that applied from
tools to mules.
There were rules about behavior and
rules defining rules.
FLANNERY: Two guinea pigs.
Hm.
You sure don't look like pigs to me, but the
writing's plain to see.
It says you are, and there's no doubt that
pigs is what you be.
[Guinea pigs make squeaking noises to each other]
NARRATOR: Whenever a customer chanced to call, Flannery let
him fry until he could look up the rule to
greet the fellow by.
FLANNERY: Let's see.
Oh, yes.
Good morning to you, says Section Two, and
don't forget to smile.
MCMOREHOUSE: Morning it was, I'll have you know, I've been
standing here a while.
FLANNERY: I'm supposed to say I'm sorry, sir, it says in
Ruling Three.
MCMOREHOUSE: Dry your tears and save your sneers.
Have you got some pets for me?
FLANNERY: Indeed I have.
Two guinea pigs.
See pigs, page 43.
According to the book of rules, your pets
are pigs, you see.
MCMOREHOUSE: Pigs-- $0.48.
Pets-- $0.44.
What?
Guinea pigs aren't pigs, they're pets,
and I'm paying $0.44.
FLANNERY: Pigs is pigs at $0.48, and rules is rules,
what's more.
MCMOREHOUSE: Fools is fools, you stubborn fool!
Will you not take $0.44?
FLANNERY: The regular rate is $0.48!
MCMOREHOUSE: Very well, then.
[SINGING]
You take the high writ.
And I'll take the low writ.
And I'll not pay you over $0.44.
FLANNERY: [SINGING]
Whenever an agent gets in a debate and there is an
argument over the rate, the agent must file for a ruling
up high and hold onto the package until they reply.
MCMOREHOUSE: [SINGING]
Hold them then and harm them not.
And when you find you're wrong, deliver them to my
address, healthy, hale, and strong!
[Door slamming]
NARRATOR: Then Flannery sat down and sent a telegram away,
never dreaming he'd regret it until his dying day.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
CHORUS: Supervisor's office, Pigtown on the drive.
Flannery to Morgan, May 6, 1905.
Holding two animals in a crate.
Big dispute regarding rate.
Is a guinea pig a pig or pet?
Give ruling on the rate to set.
Flannery.
NARRATOR: The supervisor's office was the
pride of the company.
It received old Flannery's telegram with trained
efficiency.
CHORUS: [SINGING]
They examined the wire and immediately dated it, stamped
the receipts and then communicated it to the
department that quadruplicated it.
Copies were sent out to all of the staff.
Each copy received was filed and related to copies of
copies that checked and notated.
Nine copies of each were then validated and contents were
noted in ink on the graph.
FLANNERY: A cabbage a day keeps the doctor away.
Now both of you need a name.
I'll call one of you Pat, and let me see--
Mike, I'll name the other.
NARRATOR: But he quickly changed it to Marie-
FLANNERY: Ooh!
NARRATOR: When Mike became a mother.
FLANNERY: The saints be praised.
Now, ain't that fine.
I'm a family man myself.
[HUMMING]
Regards last wire of mine--
instead of us just two guinea pigs, I now am holding nine.
CHORUS: [SINGING]
The legal department was then delegated to study the problem
now so complicated when all of the data was accumulated to
make a report and to tell what they know.
The president wanted a full explanation as well as an
overall clarification of Flannery's wire that wanted to
know if a pig was a pig and to please tell him so.
NARRATOR: Now the grandchild of the first two pigs had
grandsons by the dozens.
And every time the clock would strike, there were 50
brand-new cousins.
[Music and the sound of guinea pigs munching on cabbages]
CHORUS: [SINGING]
the board of directors convened and debated the
question of pigs and were they related to pigs or to rabbits,
as once indicated by evidence found by the fact-finding
[INAUDIBLE].
NARRATOR: A boy in the office at first advocated it, and
then a zoology professor dictated it.
Here is the answer, and here's how he stated it.
ZOOLOGIST: I reiterate on the company's behalf--
the guinea pig is the Cavea aperia, while the common pig
is the Sus of the family Suidae.
They are not pigs.
A $0.44 rate applies.
CHORUS: [SINGING]
10 copies were sent to the filing clerk, and 10 to
O'Shaugnessy.
Then 20 more in triplicate were sent on to McGee.
McGee will make 1,000 more for all the clerks to see.
For the janitor and the auditor and
the rest of the company.
100 were sent to the engineers, and the firemen
each got four.
The section hands got three of these, and the hobos, 20 more.
NARRATOR: With monotonous regularity, those pigs
produced more pigs while Flannery tried to stem the
tide by playing them Irish jigs.
[PLAYING "THE IRISH
[PLAYING "THE IRISH WASHERWOMAN" AND SINGING JIBBERISH]
MORGAN: Regarding the McMorehouse pigs, the $0.44
rate applies.
Signed, Morgan.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
NARRATOR: When Flannery got the telegram, straight down
the road he tore to take the news to McMorehouse.
But--
SPEAKER 1: McMorehouse doesn't live here anymore!
FLANNERY: Bah!
NARRATOR: Then Flannery wired the office.
FLANNERY: Tell me quick, what do I do?
There is no rule to cover the case, so now it's up to you.
SPEAKER 2: Not me!
See V.P.
SPEAKER 3: See Joe.
SPEAKER 4: See Jack.
SPEAKER 5: See Larry.
SPEAKER 2: See Tom.
SPEAKER 6: See Dick.
SPEAKER 7: See Harry.
CHORUS: [SINGING]
Then a clever young clerk made the recommendation the pigs
should be sent to the main office station.
He never did know of the multiplication that two pigs
that grew to a million and two.
NARRATOR: Flannery loaded the pigs in crates, in boxes,
bags, and sacks.
He filled 600 boxcars up--
according to the facts.
After loading all pigs but two and looking weak and wan,
Flannery turned to the pigs and said--
FLANNERY: You've begat and begot--
now, be gone!
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[Train whistle sounds off]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
CHORUS: [SINGING]
They unloaded the cars at the main office station and filled
up the warehouse in desperation they stored away
pigs in the whole corporation.
The president shouted until he was hoarse.
PRESIDENT: [SHOUTING UNINTELLIGIBLY]
CHORUS: [SINGING]
Three officials submitted their signed resignation.
OFFICIALS: [SINGING]
Complaining of pigs in the organization.
CHORUS: [SINGING]
The president added an interpretation that Flannery
pigs and the whole lot were born.
FLANNERY: Dear President, 'tis not so bad as it
seemed to be once.
What if all those guinea pigs had all been elephants?
[Flannery laughing]
Boo!
Oh!
[Cymbol clash]
[Train whistle]
[Sounds of train moving]
NARRATOR: From that day forward, Flannery swore--
FLANNERY: No more will I be a fool.
Whenever it comes to livestock, dash
every single rule.
If the animals come in singles or if they come in sets, if
they've got four feet and they're alive, they'll be
classified as pets.
[MUSIC PLAYING]