WEBVTT

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[MUSIC PLAYING]

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NARRATOR: In the Westcote
railway station in the year

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1905, the agent there
was Flannery, the

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best there was alive.

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Flannery ran his station
exactly by the rules.

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He tried to learn each
one by heart, just

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like a kid in school.

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There were rules for each
occasion, that applied from

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tools to mules.

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There were rules about
behavior and

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rules defining rules.

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FLANNERY: Two guinea pigs.

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Hm.

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You sure don't look like
pigs to me, but the

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writing's plain to see.

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It says you are, and there's
no doubt that

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pigs is what you be.

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[Guinea pigs make squeaking noises to each other]

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NARRATOR: Whenever a customer
chanced to call, Flannery let

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him fry until he could
look up the rule to

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greet the fellow by.

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FLANNERY: Let's see.

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Oh, yes.

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Good morning to you, says
Section Two, and

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don't forget to smile.

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MCMOREHOUSE: Morning it was,
I'll have you know, I've been

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standing here a while.

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FLANNERY: I'm supposed to say
I'm sorry, sir, it says in

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Ruling Three.

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MCMOREHOUSE: Dry your tears
and save your sneers.

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Have you got some pets for me?

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FLANNERY: Indeed I have.

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Two guinea pigs.

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See pigs, page 43.

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According to the book
of rules, your pets

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are pigs, you see.

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MCMOREHOUSE: Pigs-- $0.48.

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Pets-- $0.44.

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What?

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Guinea pigs aren't pigs,
they're pets,

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and I'm paying $0.44.

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FLANNERY: Pigs is pigs at $0.48,
and rules is rules,

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what's more.

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MCMOREHOUSE: Fools is fools,
you stubborn fool!

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Will you not take $0.44?

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FLANNERY: The regular
rate is $0.48!

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MCMOREHOUSE: Very well, then.

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[SINGING]

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You take the high writ.

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And I'll take the low writ.

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And I'll not pay
you over $0.44.

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FLANNERY: [SINGING]

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Whenever an agent gets in
a debate and there is an

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argument over the rate, the
agent must file for a ruling

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up high and hold onto the
package until they reply.

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MCMOREHOUSE: [SINGING]

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Hold them then and
harm them not.

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And when you find you're wrong,
deliver them to my

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address, healthy, hale,
and strong!

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[Door slamming]

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NARRATOR: Then Flannery sat down
and sent a telegram away,

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never dreaming he'd regret
it until his dying day.

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[MUSIC PLAYING]

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CHORUS: Supervisor's office,
Pigtown on the drive.

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Flannery to Morgan,
May 6, 1905.

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Holding two animals
in a crate.

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Big dispute regarding rate.

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Is a guinea pig a pig or pet?

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Give ruling on the rate to set.

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Flannery.

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NARRATOR: The supervisor's
office was the

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pride of the company.

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It received old Flannery's
telegram with trained

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efficiency.

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CHORUS: [SINGING]

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They examined the wire and
immediately dated it, stamped

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the receipts and then
communicated it to the

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department that quadruplicated
it.

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Copies were sent out to
all of the staff.

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Each copy received was filed
and related to copies of

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copies that checked
and notated.

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Nine copies of each were then
validated and contents were

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noted in ink on the graph.

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FLANNERY: A cabbage a day
keeps the doctor away.

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Now both of you need a name.

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I'll call one of you Pat,
and let me see--

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Mike, I'll name the other.

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NARRATOR: But he quickly
changed it to Marie-

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FLANNERY: Ooh!

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NARRATOR: When Mike
became a mother.

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FLANNERY: The saints
be praised.

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Now, ain't that fine.

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I'm a family man myself.

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[HUMMING]

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Regards last wire of mine--

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instead of us just two guinea
pigs, I now am holding nine.

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CHORUS: [SINGING]

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The legal department was then
delegated to study the problem

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now so complicated when all of
the data was accumulated to

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make a report and to tell
what they know.

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The president wanted a full
explanation as well as an

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overall clarification of
Flannery's wire that wanted to

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know if a pig was a pig and
to please tell him so.

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NARRATOR: Now the grandchild
of the first two pigs had

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grandsons by the dozens.

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And every time the clock would
strike, there were 50

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brand-new cousins.

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[Music and the sound of guinea pigs
munching on cabbages]

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CHORUS: [SINGING]

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the board of directors convened
and debated the

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question of pigs and were they
related to pigs or to rabbits,

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as once indicated by evidence
found by the fact-finding

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[INAUDIBLE].

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NARRATOR: A boy in the office
at first advocated it, and

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then a zoology professor
dictated it.

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Here is the answer, and here's
how he stated it.

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ZOOLOGIST: I reiterate on
the company's behalf--

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the guinea pig is the Cavea
aperia, while the common pig

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is the Sus of the
family Suidae.

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They are not pigs.

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A $0.44 rate applies.

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CHORUS: [SINGING]

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10 copies were sent to the
filing clerk, and 10 to

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O'Shaugnessy.

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Then 20 more in triplicate
were sent on to McGee.

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McGee will make 1,000 more for
all the clerks to see.

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For the janitor and
the auditor and

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the rest of the company.

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100 were sent to the engineers,
and the firemen

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each got four.

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The section hands got three of
these, and the hobos, 20 more.

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NARRATOR: With monotonous
regularity, those pigs

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produced more pigs while
Flannery tried to stem the

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tide by playing them
Irish jigs.

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[PLAYING "THE IRISH

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[PLAYING "THE IRISH WASHERWOMAN" AND SINGING JIBBERISH]

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MORGAN: Regarding the
McMorehouse pigs, the $0.44

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rate applies.

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Signed, Morgan.

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[MUSIC PLAYING]

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NARRATOR: When Flannery got the
telegram, straight down

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the road he tore to take the
news to McMorehouse.

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But--

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SPEAKER 1: McMorehouse doesn't
live here anymore!

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FLANNERY: Bah!

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NARRATOR: Then Flannery
wired the office.

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FLANNERY: Tell me quick,
what do I do?

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There is no rule to cover the
case, so now it's up to you.

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SPEAKER 2: Not me!

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See V.P.

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SPEAKER 3: See Joe.

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SPEAKER 4: See Jack.

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SPEAKER 5: See Larry.

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SPEAKER 2: See Tom.

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SPEAKER 6: See Dick.

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SPEAKER 7: See Harry.

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CHORUS: [SINGING]

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Then a clever young clerk made
the recommendation the pigs

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should be sent to the
main office station.

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He never did know of the
multiplication that two pigs

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that grew to a million
and two.

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NARRATOR: Flannery loaded the
pigs in crates, in boxes,

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bags, and sacks.

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He filled 600 boxcars up--

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according to the facts.

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After loading all pigs but two
and looking weak and wan,

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Flannery turned to the
pigs and said--

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FLANNERY: You've begat
and begot--

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now, be gone!

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[MUSIC PLAYING]

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[Train whistle sounds off]

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[MUSIC PLAYING]

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CHORUS: [SINGING]

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They unloaded the cars at the
main office station and filled

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up the warehouse in desperation
they stored away

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pigs in the whole corporation.

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The president shouted
until he was hoarse.

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PRESIDENT:
[SHOUTING UNINTELLIGIBLY]

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CHORUS: [SINGING]

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Three officials submitted their
signed resignation.

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OFFICIALS: [SINGING]

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Complaining of pigs in
the organization.

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CHORUS: [SINGING]

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The president added an
interpretation that Flannery

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pigs and the whole
lot were born.

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FLANNERY: Dear President,
'tis not so bad as it

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seemed to be once.

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What if all those guinea pigs
had all been elephants?

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[Flannery laughing]

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Boo!

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Oh!

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[Cymbol clash]

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[Train whistle]

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[Sounds of train moving]

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NARRATOR: From that day forward,
Flannery swore--

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FLANNERY: No more will
I be a fool.

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Whenever it comes to
livestock, dash

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every single rule.

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If the animals come in singles
or if they come in sets, if

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they've got four feet and
they're alive, they'll be

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classified as pets.

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[MUSIC PLAYING]