-
(bell chiming)
-
- Hello, I wish to register a complaint.
-
Hello, Miss.
-
- What you mean, Miss?
-
- Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold.
-
I wish to make a complaint.
-
- Sorry, we're closing for lunch.
-
- Nevermind that, my
lad, I wish to complain
-
about this parrot, what I
purchased not half an hour ago
-
from this very boutique.
-
- Oh yes, the Norwegian Blue.
-
What's wrong with it?
-
- I'll tell you what's wrong with it.
-
It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.
-
(audience laughing)
-
- Nah, nah, it's resting, look.
-
- Look, my lad, I know a
dead parrot when I see one,
-
and I'm looking at one right now.
-
- Nah, it's not dead, it's resting.
-
- Resting?
-
- Yeah.
-
Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue.
-
Beautiful plumage, isn't it?
-
- The plumage don't enter into it.
-
It's stone dead.
-
- Nah, no, it's resting.
-
- All right then.
-
If it's resting, I'll wake it up.
-
Hello Polly!
-
I got a nice goldfish
for you when you wake up,
-
Polly parrot!
-
- There, it moved.
-
- No he didn't.
-
That was you pushing the cage.
-
- I did not!
-
- Yes you did!
-
Hello, Polly!
-
Polly!
-
Polly parrot, wake up!
-
Polly!
-
(audience laughing)
-
Now, that's what I call a dead parrot.
-
- No, no, it's stunned.
-
- Look, my lad, I've had
just about enough of this.
-
That parrot is definitely deceased.
-
And when I bought it not half an hour ago,
-
you assured me that it's lack of movement
-
was due to it being tired and shagged out
-
after a long squall.
-
(audience laughing)
-
- Well, sir, it's probably
pining for the fjords.
-
- Pining for the fjords?
-
What kind of talk is that?
-
Look, why did it fall flat on its back
-
the moment I got it home?
-
- The Norwegian Blue
prefers keeping on its back.
-
It's a beautiful bird, lovely plumage.
-
- Look, I took the liberty
of examining that parrot
-
and I discovered that the only reason
-
that it had been sitting on
its perch in the first place
-
was that it had been nailed there.
-
(audience laughing)
-
- Well, of course it was nailed there.
-
Otherwise it would have muzzled
up to those bars and, voom!
-
- Look, matey, this parrot wouldn't voom
-
if I put 4,000 volts through it.
-
It's bleeding demised.
-
- It's not!
-
It's pining!
-
- It's not pining, it's passed on.
-
This parrot is no more.
-
It has ceased to be.
-
It's expired and gone to meet its maker.
-
This is a late parrot.
-
It's a stiff.
-
Bereft of life, it rests in peace.
-
If you hadn't nailed it to the perch,
-
it would be pushing up the daisies.
-
It's run down the curtain and
joined the choir invisible.
-
This is an ex-parrot.
-
(audience laughing)
-
- Well, I better replace it then.
-
- If you want to get anything
done in this country,
-
you've got to complain 'til
you're blue in the mouth.
-
- Sorry, gov, we're right out of parrots.
-
- I see, I see, I get the picture.
-
- I've got a slug.
-
(audience laughing)
-
- Does it talk?
-
- Not really, no.
-
- Well, it's scarcely a
replacement then, is it?
-
- Listen, I'll tell you
what, tell you what.
-
If you'll go to my brother's
pet shop in Bolton,
-
he'll replace your parrot for you.
-
- Bolton, eh?
-
- Yeah.
-
- All right.
-
(bell chiming)
-
- Excuse me, is this Bolton, is it?
-
- No, no, it's Ipswitch.
-
- That's inter-city rail for you.
-
(audience laughing)
-
(whistling)
-
- I wish to make a complaint.
-
- I don't have to do this, you know.
-
- I beg your pardon?
-
- I'm a qualified brain surgeon.
-
I only do this 'cause I
like being me own boss.
-
- Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
-
- Oh, yeah, it's not easy to
pad these out to 30 minutes.
-
- Well, I wish to make a complaint.
-
I got on the Bolton train and found myself
-
deposited here in Ipswitch.
-
- Nah, this is Bolton.
-
- The pet shop owner's brother was lying.
-
- Well, you can't blame
British Rail for that.
-
- If this is Bolton, I shall
return to the pet shop.
-
(audience laughing)
-
(bell chiming)
-
I understand that this is Bolton.
-
- Yeah?
-
- You told me it was Ipswitch.
-
- It was a pun.
-
(audience laughing)
-
- A pun?
-
- No, no, not a pun,
what's the other thing
-
where it reads the same
backwards as forwards?
-
(audience laughing)
-
- A palindrome?
-
- Yeah, yeah.
-
- It's not a palindrome.
-
The palindrome of Bolton would be notlob.
-
(audience laughing)
-
It don't work.
-
- Well, what do you want?
-
- Oh, I'm sorry.
-
I'm not prepared to pursue my
line of inquiry any further
-
as I think this is getting too silly.
-
- Quite agree, quite
agree, silly, silly, silly.
-
Right, get on with it.
-
Get on with it!
-
- Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
-
And now, a frontal nudity.
