0:00:03.472,0:00:06.055
(bell chiming)

0:00:08.380,0:00:10.380
- Hello, I wish to register a complaint.

0:00:11.300,0:00:12.820
Hello, Miss.

0:00:12.820,0:00:13.920
- What you mean, Miss?

0:00:15.300,0:00:16.590
- Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold.

0:00:16.590,0:00:18.480
I wish to make a complaint.

0:00:18.480,0:00:19.490
- Sorry, we're closing for lunch.

0:00:19.490,0:00:21.360
- Nevermind that, my[br]lad, I wish to complain

0:00:21.360,0:00:24.080
about this parrot, what I[br]purchased not half an hour ago

0:00:24.080,0:00:25.430
from this very boutique.

0:00:25.430,0:00:26.540
- Oh yes, the Norwegian Blue.

0:00:26.540,0:00:27.373
What's wrong with it?

0:00:27.373,0:00:28.760
- I'll tell you what's wrong with it.

0:00:28.760,0:00:30.364
It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.

0:00:30.364,0:00:31.380
(audience laughing)

0:00:31.380,0:00:33.260
- Nah, nah, it's resting, look.

0:00:33.260,0:00:35.700
- Look, my lad, I know a[br]dead parrot when I see one,

0:00:35.700,0:00:38.040
and I'm looking at one right now.

0:00:38.040,0:00:39.840
- Nah, it's not dead, it's resting.

0:00:39.840,0:00:40.673
- Resting?

0:00:40.673,0:00:41.506
- Yeah.

0:00:41.506,0:00:42.860
Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue.

0:00:42.860,0:00:44.130
Beautiful plumage, isn't it?

0:00:44.130,0:00:46.250
- The plumage don't enter into it.

0:00:46.250,0:00:47.390
It's stone dead.

0:00:47.390,0:00:49.430
- Nah, no, it's resting.

0:00:49.430,0:00:51.060
- All right then.

0:00:51.060,0:00:52.710
If it's resting, I'll wake it up.

0:00:53.570,0:00:55.250
Hello Polly!

0:00:55.250,0:00:57.780
I got a nice goldfish[br]for you when you wake up,

0:00:57.780,0:00:58.650
Polly parrot!

0:00:58.650,0:00:59.483
- There, it moved.

0:00:59.483,0:01:01.060
- No he didn't.

0:01:01.060,0:01:02.320
That was you pushing the cage.

0:01:02.320,0:01:03.153
- I did not!

0:01:03.153,0:01:03.986
- Yes you did!

0:01:05.110,0:01:06.755
Hello, Polly!

0:01:06.755,0:01:08.540
Polly!

0:01:10.700,0:01:12.330
Polly parrot, wake up!

0:01:13.670,0:01:14.693
Polly!

0:01:14.693,0:01:17.950
(audience laughing)

0:01:17.950,0:01:20.020
Now, that's what I call a dead parrot.

0:01:20.020,0:01:22.360
- No, no, it's stunned.

0:01:22.360,0:01:25.620
- Look, my lad, I've had[br]just about enough of this.

0:01:25.620,0:01:28.250
That parrot is definitely deceased.

0:01:28.250,0:01:30.170
And when I bought it not half an hour ago,

0:01:30.170,0:01:32.233
you assured me that it's lack of movement

0:01:32.233,0:01:35.030
was due to it being tired and shagged out

0:01:35.030,0:01:36.363
after a long squall.

0:01:36.363,0:01:37.302
(audience laughing)

0:01:37.302,0:01:40.570
- Well, sir, it's probably[br]pining for the fjords.

0:01:40.570,0:01:42.050
- Pining for the fjords?

0:01:42.050,0:01:44.310
What kind of talk is that?

0:01:44.310,0:01:46.100
Look, why did it fall flat on its back

0:01:46.100,0:01:47.460
the moment I got it home?

0:01:47.460,0:01:50.100
- The Norwegian Blue[br]prefers keeping on its back.

0:01:50.100,0:01:51.570
It's a beautiful bird, lovely plumage.

0:01:51.570,0:01:54.330
- Look, I took the liberty[br]of examining that parrot

0:01:54.330,0:01:55.920
and I discovered that the only reason

0:01:55.920,0:01:58.860
that it had been sitting on[br]its perch in the first place

0:01:58.860,0:02:00.944
was that it had been nailed there.

0:02:00.944,0:02:03.620
(audience laughing)

0:02:03.620,0:02:04.820
- Well, of course it was nailed there.

0:02:04.820,0:02:07.910
Otherwise it would have muzzled[br]up to those bars and, voom!

0:02:07.910,0:02:12.570
- Look, matey, this parrot wouldn't voom

0:02:12.570,0:02:14.620
if I put 4,000 volts through it.

0:02:15.470,0:02:17.060
It's bleeding demised.

0:02:17.060,0:02:18.130
- It's not!

0:02:18.130,0:02:18.963
It's pining!

0:02:18.963,0:02:22.304
- It's not pining, it's passed on.

0:02:22.304,0:02:25.130
This parrot is no more.

0:02:25.130,0:02:27.700
It has ceased to be.

0:02:27.700,0:02:30.540
It's expired and gone to meet its maker.

0:02:31.480,0:02:33.670
This is a late parrot.

0:02:35.131,0:02:36.770
It's a stiff.

0:02:37.780,0:02:40.050
Bereft of life, it rests in peace.

0:02:40.050,0:02:41.660
If you hadn't nailed it to the perch,

0:02:41.660,0:02:43.700
it would be pushing up the daisies.

0:02:43.700,0:02:47.700
It's run down the curtain and[br]joined the choir invisible.

0:02:47.700,0:02:50.969
This is an ex-parrot.

0:02:50.969,0:02:53.630
(audience laughing)

0:02:53.630,0:02:55.220
- Well, I better replace it then.

0:02:56.070,0:02:57.880
- If you want to get anything[br]done in this country,

0:02:57.880,0:03:00.750
you've got to complain 'til[br]you're blue in the mouth.

0:03:00.750,0:03:02.660
- Sorry, gov, we're right out of parrots.

0:03:02.660,0:03:06.040
- I see, I see, I get the picture.

0:03:06.040,0:03:07.394
- I've got a slug.

0:03:07.394,0:03:09.050
(audience laughing)

0:03:09.050,0:03:09.883
- Does it talk?

0:03:10.810,0:03:11.760
- Not really, no.

0:03:11.760,0:03:13.960
- Well, it's scarcely a[br]replacement then, is it?

0:03:13.960,0:03:15.860
- Listen, I'll tell you[br]what, tell you what.

0:03:15.860,0:03:17.910
If you'll go to my brother's[br]pet shop in Bolton,

0:03:17.910,0:03:19.560
he'll replace your parrot for you.

0:03:19.560,0:03:20.393
- Bolton, eh?

0:03:20.393,0:03:21.540
- Yeah.

0:03:21.540,0:03:22.952
- All right.

0:03:22.952,0:03:25.535
(bell chiming)

0:03:44.070,0:03:47.120
- Excuse me, is this Bolton, is it?

0:03:47.120,0:03:48.400
- No, no, it's Ipswitch.

0:03:49.790,0:03:51.802
- That's inter-city rail for you.

0:03:51.802,0:03:54.802
(audience laughing)

0:03:55.973,0:03:58.306
(whistling)

0:03:59.244,0:04:00.680
- I wish to make a complaint.

0:04:00.680,0:04:02.480
- I don't have to do this, you know.

0:04:04.072,0:04:04.905
- I beg your pardon?

0:04:04.905,0:04:06.450
- I'm a qualified brain surgeon.

0:04:06.450,0:04:08.800
I only do this 'cause I[br]like being me own boss.

0:04:10.150,0:04:12.160
- Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?

0:04:12.160,0:04:14.440
- Oh, yeah, it's not easy to[br]pad these out to 30 minutes.

0:04:14.440,0:04:16.769
- Well, I wish to make a complaint.

0:04:16.769,0:04:18.800
I got on the Bolton train and found myself

0:04:18.800,0:04:20.440
deposited here in Ipswitch.

0:04:20.440,0:04:21.540
- Nah, this is Bolton.

0:04:23.100,0:04:25.420
- The pet shop owner's brother was lying.

0:04:25.420,0:04:27.190
- Well, you can't blame[br]British Rail for that.

0:04:27.190,0:04:29.790
- If this is Bolton, I shall[br]return to the pet shop.

0:04:30.730,0:04:33.730
(audience laughing)

0:04:35.682,0:04:38.265
(bell chiming)

0:04:40.730,0:04:43.200
I understand that this is Bolton.

0:04:44.470,0:04:45.303
- Yeah?

0:04:45.303,0:04:47.180
- You told me it was Ipswitch.

0:04:48.952,0:04:50.412
- It was a pun.

0:04:50.412,0:04:52.421
(audience laughing)

0:04:52.421,0:04:53.518
- A pun?

0:04:53.518,0:04:55.560
- No, no, not a pun,[br]what's the other thing

0:04:55.560,0:04:58.398
where it reads the same[br]backwards as forwards?

0:04:58.398,0:04:59.810
(audience laughing)

0:04:59.810,0:05:00.710
- A palindrome?

0:05:00.710,0:05:02.090
- Yeah, yeah.

0:05:02.090,0:05:03.300
- It's not a palindrome.

0:05:03.300,0:05:05.954
The palindrome of Bolton would be notlob.

0:05:05.954,0:05:07.100
(audience laughing)

0:05:07.100,0:05:08.590
It don't work.

0:05:08.590,0:05:09.500
- Well, what do you want?

0:05:09.500,0:05:11.160
- Oh, I'm sorry.

0:05:11.160,0:05:13.910
I'm not prepared to pursue my[br]line of inquiry any further

0:05:13.910,0:05:15.760
as I think this is getting too silly.

0:05:15.760,0:05:18.760
- Quite agree, quite[br]agree, silly, silly, silly.

0:05:18.760,0:05:21.470
Right, get on with it.

0:05:21.470,0:05:22.810
Get on with it!

0:05:25.630,0:05:29.160
- Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

0:05:30.190,0:05:32.670
And now, a frontal nudity.