(bell chiming)
- Hello, I wish to register a complaint.
Hello, Miss.
- What you mean, Miss?
- Oh, I'm sorry, I have a cold.
I wish to make a complaint.
- Sorry, we're closing for lunch.
- Nevermind that, my lad, I wish to complain
about this parrot, what I purchased not half an hour ago
from this very boutique.
- Oh yes, the Norwegian Blue.
What's wrong with it?
- I'll tell you what's wrong with it.
It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.
(audience laughing)
- Nah, nah, it's resting, look.
- Look, my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one,
and I'm looking at one right now.
- Nah, it's not dead, it's resting.
- Resting?
- Yeah.
Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue.
Beautiful plumage, isn't it?
- The plumage don't enter into it.
It's stone dead.
- Nah, no, it's resting.
- All right then.
If it's resting, I'll wake it up.
Hello Polly!
I got a nice goldfish for you when you wake up,
Polly parrot!
- There, it moved.
- No he didn't.
That was you pushing the cage.
- I did not!
- Yes you did!
Hello, Polly!
Polly!
Polly parrot, wake up!
Polly!
(audience laughing)
Now, that's what I call a dead parrot.
- No, no, it's stunned.
- Look, my lad, I've had just about enough of this.
That parrot is definitely deceased.
And when I bought it not half an hour ago,
you assured me that it's lack of movement
was due to it being tired and shagged out
after a long squall.
(audience laughing)
- Well, sir, it's probably pining for the fjords.
- Pining for the fjords?
What kind of talk is that?
Look, why did it fall flat on its back
the moment I got it home?
- The Norwegian Blue prefers keeping on its back.
It's a beautiful bird, lovely plumage.
- Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot
and I discovered that the only reason
that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place
was that it had been nailed there.
(audience laughing)
- Well, of course it was nailed there.
Otherwise it would have muzzled up to those bars and, voom!
- Look, matey, this parrot wouldn't voom
if I put 4,000 volts through it.
It's bleeding demised.
- It's not!
It's pining!
- It's not pining, it's passed on.
This parrot is no more.
It has ceased to be.
It's expired and gone to meet its maker.
This is a late parrot.
It's a stiff.
Bereft of life, it rests in peace.
If you hadn't nailed it to the perch,
it would be pushing up the daisies.
It's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible.
This is an ex-parrot.
(audience laughing)
- Well, I better replace it then.
- If you want to get anything done in this country,
you've got to complain 'til you're blue in the mouth.
- Sorry, gov, we're right out of parrots.
- I see, I see, I get the picture.
- I've got a slug.
(audience laughing)
- Does it talk?
- Not really, no.
- Well, it's scarcely a replacement then, is it?
- Listen, I'll tell you what, tell you what.
If you'll go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton,
he'll replace your parrot for you.
- Bolton, eh?
- Yeah.
- All right.
(bell chiming)
- Excuse me, is this Bolton, is it?
- No, no, it's Ipswitch.
- That's inter-city rail for you.
(audience laughing)
(whistling)
- I wish to make a complaint.
- I don't have to do this, you know.
- I beg your pardon?
- I'm a qualified brain surgeon.
I only do this 'cause I like being me own boss.
- Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
- Oh, yeah, it's not easy to pad these out to 30 minutes.
- Well, I wish to make a complaint.
I got on the Bolton train and found myself
deposited here in Ipswitch.
- Nah, this is Bolton.
- The pet shop owner's brother was lying.
- Well, you can't blame British Rail for that.
- If this is Bolton, I shall return to the pet shop.
(audience laughing)
(bell chiming)
I understand that this is Bolton.
- Yeah?
- You told me it was Ipswitch.
- It was a pun.
(audience laughing)
- A pun?
- No, no, not a pun, what's the other thing
where it reads the same backwards as forwards?
(audience laughing)
- A palindrome?
- Yeah, yeah.
- It's not a palindrome.
The palindrome of Bolton would be notlob.
(audience laughing)
It don't work.
- Well, what do you want?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any further
as I think this is getting too silly.
- Quite agree, quite agree, silly, silly, silly.
Right, get on with it.
Get on with it!
- Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
And now, a frontal nudity.