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Russell Peters Outsourced 2006 - Russell Peters Full Show

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    Ladies and gentlemen,
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    ladies and gentlemen,
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    please, if you say that,
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    gentlemen. My man,
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    [MIXED]
    Russell Peters!
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    Yeah, brothers know his name.
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    Here he is, guys! Russell Peters!
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    [HOUSE MUSIC CONTINUES]
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    All right.
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    How you doing? All right.
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    All right, look at you, you filthy downloaders.
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    Look at this audience, man.
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    Everybody. This is cool, man.
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    Everybody.
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    We got-- clearly we got some Asians in the house. That's uh...
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    I saw all the Honda Civics in the parking lot.
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    I knew you were here.
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    I thought they were shooting Fast and The Furious Part 3 or something.
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    Oh, man, and then the brown bastards. Look at you, huh?
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    All right.
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    There's a lot of closed motels in town right now, I tell you that. There's uh...
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    White people, how you doing? White folks, good to see you.
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    All right, a white guy with a brown girl.
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    Good job, buddy, huh?
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    Her parents must be so happy.
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    Ha ha.
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    There's a brown man with a white woman.
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    Nice, see? Balance.
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    That's what I'm talking about. He's living the American dream.
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    Or at least the Indian dream.
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    [INDIAN ACCENT]
    "If I go to America and I get white woman,"
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    "I'm ahead of the game."
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    Latinos in the house? Where the Latinos at?
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    All right, all six of you.
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    Good. All right.
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    I don't know how the hell we're in California, only six Latinos showed up.
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    And black people?
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    You clap again. Look at that, hey.
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    You got both. You're black and Latino.
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    Your credit must suck.
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    You're... I just can't...
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    Oh, man.
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    It's funny, when I say 'Asian,'
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    especially in America, when I say 'Asian,'
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    people automatically picture in their head,
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    [IMITATES CHINESE MUSIC]
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    Which is messed up because India is part of Asia,
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    and we don't get the same credit.
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    When I say 'Asian,' people don't go...
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    [IMITATES INDIAN MUSIC]
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    We're Asian too, man.
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    When God was making Asians, he made two types of Asians.
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    And you guys got first choice on looks.
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    And you fucked us on the deal.
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    "Yeah, well, we'll take eyes."
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    "You guys can have noses and hair."
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    My people are greedy,
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    "We heard two! We got two! That's a good deal, two!"
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    "Noses and hair!"
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    We didn't know it was gonna be big noses and body hair.
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    That's a shit deal!
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    We're a hairy race of people, man.
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    It's hot as hell in India, and we're hairy.
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    Who the hell came up with that deal?
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    I think the God that was making Indian people
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    was having some sort of practical joke with all the other Gods.
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    He was like, "Hey, guys, come here and watch this. Watch this."
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    "Buddha, put down the drink. Come here. Come here."
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    "OK, look."
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    "I'm going to take these people here."
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    "And put them in the hottest place in the world."
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    "And just for fun,"
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    "I'll cover them with hair."
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    It's hot and we're hairy.
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    Men and women.
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    Indian girls getting mad, pulling down their sleeves,
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    "I hate this son of a bitch!"
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    It's OK nowadays that chicks have hair,
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    Nowadays chicks can take care of it, you know what I mean?
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    Chicks have hair they don't want nowadays, they can get rid of it.
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    All kinds of hair removing methods as,
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    There's waxing, there's electrolysis, there's threading, there's...
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    laser hair removal.
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    They have hair they don't want now,
    [IMITATES ELECTROLYSIS]
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    It's gone!
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    They're removing it from their assholes now.
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    How hairy were your assholes before this?
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    You know they used to do in the eighties,
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    when chicks have hair they didn't want?
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    They used to bleach it.
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    I'm like, "Sweetheart, we don't have a problem with the color of your mustache."
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    "It's not like the blond goatie looks better."
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    And the Asians are not hairy at all.
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    Full head of hair on their head, and nothing on their body.
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    Very rarely do you see a bald Asian.
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    Well, unless they shave it off, you know what I mean? But...
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    Oh, man.
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    And when I say 'Asian,' you know what's funny? When I say 'Asian,'
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    people automatically think Chinese.
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    People go, "Chinese, yes, Asians, Chinese."
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    "That's all they are. All the Asians are Chinese."
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    Look at them, yelling out their last name.
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    So proud, that's cool. But, uh...
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    But it's funny.
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    People do think all Asians are Chinese.
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    That's what they think. "All Asians are Chinese."
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    "They all speak Chinese, they look Chinese. That's what they are, and that's what they do."
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    That's not the case.
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    There's so many different types of Asians.
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    You know what I mean?
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    Sure, you may not be able to tell right away,
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    by looking at Asian people,
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    You could take an educated guess.
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    Sometimes certain things stand out,
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    and you go, "Oh, I know what kind of Asian you are."
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    But if you really want to learn the differences between different Asian groups,
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    you can tell by when they speak English. That's how you can tell.
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    Now, just to get a feel for the Asians that are in the room tonight,
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    Um, do we have any Vietnamese people here tonight?
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    Vietnamese people?
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    All right, like one guy hiding upstairs too.
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    [IMITATES VIETNAMESE]
    Tou mah!
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    Any Koreans in the house? Koreans in the house?
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    All right, that's two closed dry cleaners.
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    Nice. That's uh...
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    Filipinos?
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    Oh, yeah, I see you right there.
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    I knew you guys were Filipino right away
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    'cause you keep staring at the microphone,
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    like there's gonna be karaoke after the show.
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    I can see it too.
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    "I hope this Bombay hurries up with the show please, 'cause, uh..."
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    "I want to get up there and sing."
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    [IMITATES TAGALOG]
    "Utahkeenah, hurry!"
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    And Chinese people, where you at? Chinese folks?
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    Nice. That's good, man.
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    You can tell by when Asian groups are speaking English.
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    That's how you can tell where they're from.
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    I'll give you an example.
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    Vietnamese people,
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    you can tell when they're speaking English,
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    you can tell they're Vietnamese 'cause when they speak English,
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    they speak it really fast.
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    Like they know it.
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    But they end up speaking English so fast,
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    that it ends up sounding like Vietnamese all over again.
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    I got cussed out by this Vietnamese guy,
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    this what he says to me, he goes,
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    [IMITATES VIETNAMESE ACCENT]
    "Fuck you, OK, you fucking blow job!"
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    He called me a fucking blow job.
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    Have you ever been called a blow job before?
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    Do you realize if somebody calls you a blow job,
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    there is not one good comeback...
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    There's nothing you can say that will sound cool.
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    "You fucking blow job!"
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    "Yeah?"
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    "So are you."
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    That's why I like different cultures, you know.
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    Different cultures,
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    different words mean different things to them in English, and,
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    and in their language are, you know what I mean?
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    Like, I'm from Toronto.
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    In Toronto, there's a Vietnamese restaurant,
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    called Pho Phuc Lai.
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    P, H, O, P, H, U, C,
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    L, A, I.
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    Pho Phuc Lai.
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    I used to call them when I was a kid,
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    just to have the guy answer the phone, you know.
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    "Pho Phuc Lai."
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    "Ha ha ha!"
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    Pho Phuc Lai.
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    Doesn't it sound like a whole new level of lying?
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    "Hey, don't lie! That's a pho phuc lai!"
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    "You fucking blow job!"
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    You can tell when Koreans are speaking English,
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    'cause when Korean people speak English,
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    they sound like they're out of breath.
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    Like they just ran a marathon.
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    [BREATHING HEAVILY]
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    "You don't..."
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    "...make any jokes..."
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    "...about..."
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    "...the Koreans."
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    [IMITATES ASTHMA INHALER]
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    I know how to count to six in Korean.
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    Not impressive, but it beats, you know,
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    learning how to swear in somebody's language, you know what I mean?
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    When we get mad, the first thing you do when you learn somebody's language,
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    we learn how to curse, right?
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    When we get mad at people when they come here,
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    and the first thing they learn is how to swear at you.
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    I mean, we're like, "Oh, that's so ignorant."
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    Did you hear me walk into a store, going, "Hello, motherfucker."
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    That's what he learned, you know what I mean?
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    I learned how to count to six, it's not impressive, but...
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    I learned... and I'm not being a dick,
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    I really did learn how to count to six from my dry cleaner.
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    I did. I will drop my shirts off,
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    and then she'll count them, and I'll count along with her.
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    So I learned, right? I did it.
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    So, here I count to six. Ready?
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    "Uhrana."
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    "Shura."
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    "Sureeah."
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    "Uurah."
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    "Haibah."
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    "Shexah!"
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    Shexah?
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    "Are you Jewish?"
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    You can tell when Chinese people are speaking English.
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    When Chinese people speak English,
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    it sounds like they're chopping vegetables with the words.
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    You know what I mean?
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    [IMITATES CHINESE ACCENT]
    "You don't go nowhere quick!"
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    "Don't say nothing bad!"
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    "Don't say nothing what?"
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    "Bad."
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    How did you just make a short word even shorter?
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    I learned about the cultures 'cause I travel around, you know what I mean?
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    I did shows in Vietnam a few years ago.
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    I had a good time in Vietnam. Vietnam is a great place.
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    Hot as shit! Hot as hell in Vietnam.
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    Like, when an Indian guy tells you it's hot,
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    trust me, it was hot!
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    Good place. Nice people.
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    I didn't know until I went to Vietnam,
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    that you can actually use a scooter,
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    as a minivan.
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    I didn't know.
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    You will see an entire family on a scooter.
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    Like, dad will sit here, right,
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    on the little piece of seat.
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    And a small child will sit there.
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    And then another small child will stand in front.
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    And then mom will sit off to the side at the back like that.
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    And then another kid will sit off to the side this way.
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    And one more kid will face that way.
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    And there'll be three kids doing back flips
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    while he's driving on the street.
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    When you saw that here,
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    that'll be stuffs you see like, at the circus,
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    like, "Do not attempt to do this at home,"
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    "these are professional stunt drivers."
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    And there will be six white guys and they'll be driving real careful.
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    In Vietnam, it's the entire family.
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    Dad's weaving in and out of traffic.
    [IMITATES HONKING SOUND]
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    Mom's on the back, eating.
    [IMITATES HONKING SOUND]
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    Good place, Vietnam. I did...
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    And if there's any other reason to go to Vietnam,
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    I'll tell you what it is. For their money.
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    The money in Vietnam is dope. Do you know what it's called?
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    Dong.
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    That's... That's the name of their money.
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    Dong.
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    It's worth going there
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    just to have a woman you don't know walks up and go,
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    "Excuse me, sir."
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    "Could you give me some dong?"
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    "Yes, I can."
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    "Would you like some schlong with that dong? Would you..."
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    I love that term 'schlong.'
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    Doesn't it sound gross?
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    White guys came up with that term for sure, right?
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    "Hey, dude, there I was,"
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    "as I whipped up my schlong."
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    'Schlong.'
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    Sounds wet.
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    I don't even have schlong.
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    You know, I got a slurt.
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    I got uh...
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    Hey, dude, the show's up here, okay?
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    "I'm not a piece of meat."
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    Went to China last year, mainland.
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    Chinese people, where are you? Right there?
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    You're over there?
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    You're over here too. Look at that.
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    - You Chinese too, bro?
    - Yeah.
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    Yeah? You looked upset about that.
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    "You Chinese too?" He was like, "Yeah..."
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    "I try to do this a lot, but it doesn't work."
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    "Now I'm a Powrish."
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    What's you name, Chinese guy?
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    I'm Vincent.
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    Vincent, that's what I thought when I looked at you, I was like,
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    That guy there is Vincent.
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    Do you have a Chinese name as well, Vincent?
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    Yeah.
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    What is it, Vincent?
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    Uh, Liung Ay Hyung.
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    Oh, slow down, hammer. I'm not Chinese, you know what I mean?
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    You ain't got to say it all proper for me.
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    [IMITATES CHINESE ACCENT]
    "Tung Lor Deah."
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    "Oh, really?"
    You know.
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    Say it again, Vincent. Go ahead, buddy.
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    Liung Ay Hyung.
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    Leong Eey Hung?
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    You just made shit up. I could tell right there.
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    He was like swallowing or something.
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    Ong Ah...
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    Ah.
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    And you're Chinese as well? So what's your name?
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    Catherine.
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    Catherine, yes, absolutely.
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    You know those Chinese couples,
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    Catherine and Vincent?
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    You have a Chinese name too, Catherine?
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    Is yours as confusing as Vincent's?
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    What is it? Go ahead.
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    Giu Lay Mi.
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    Giu Lay Moy.
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    "Do I like your what?"
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    "Giu lie moy."
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    "Tits."
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    Giu Lie Moy.
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    That sounds sexy, man.
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    But that's one of those names you brag about to your friend,
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    you know what I mean?
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    Like if I said, "Yeah, man, I banged this chick named Catherine."
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    My friends will be like, "Oh, who cares?" You know?
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    If I was like "Yo, I banged this chick named Giu Lay Moy."
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    "Did you videotape this shit? Did you..."
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    "Man, it's exotic!"
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    Where are your family-- where are your families from?
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    The bay area.
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    The bay area. That's what I thought when I looked at you.
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    I uh...
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    But, before that?
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    Uh, East Canton.
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    - Hong Kong?
    - Yeah.
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    - And you too?
    - China.
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    - China. Mainland?
    - Yeah.
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    What part?
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    You don't know.
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    You just accepted it at face value?
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    "Mom, dad, where are you from?"
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    "China."
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    "What part?"
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    "Downtown."
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    "Downtown China."
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    "Okay, Catherine? No more question."
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    Can you speak Mandarin or Cantonese or anything?
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    Cantonese?
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    So they're from obviously a Cantonese part of mainland China, see?
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    See how I did it?
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    And obviously you speak Cantonese, right, Vincent?
  • 17:26 - 17:27
    'Cause your parents are from Hong Kong.
  • 17:27 - 17:29
    See, I know the difference.
  • 17:29 - 17:29
    People don't know the difference.
  • 17:29 - 17:31
    People just think, "Oh, Chinese people speak Chinese,"
  • 17:31 - 17:34
    which is pretty ignorant 'cause there's no language called Chinese.
  • 17:34 - 17:35
    It's like when people come up to me and they're like,
  • 17:35 - 17:38
    "Hey, Russell, how do you say 'hi' in Indian?"
  • 17:39 - 17:41
    I'm like, "Well, there's no language called Indian,"
  • 17:41 - 17:42
    "so I don't know if you're asking me."
  • 17:42 - 17:44
    "All right, smart ass."
  • 17:47 - 17:49
    "How do they say 'hello' in India?"
  • 17:49 - 17:50
    Like this.
  • 17:50 - 17:52
    [IMITATES INDIAN ACCENT]
    "Hellooo!"
  • 18:02 - 18:03
    Just to clear it up, if you don't know,
  • 18:03 - 18:05
    there's the two main languages in the Chinese culture. They...
  • 18:05 - 18:07
    Cantonese and Mandarin,
  • 18:07 - 18:09
    And then they have a bunch of, like, small village languages
  • 18:09 - 18:10
    that even other Chinese people go,
  • 18:10 - 18:12
    "I don't know what she's saying."
  • 18:16 - 18:18
    And Cantonese they speak in Hong Kong,
  • 18:18 - 18:20
    for the most part, and in
  • 18:20 - 18:23
    and in mainland China, like around Beijing and Shanghai and those areas,
  • 18:23 - 18:23
    they speak Mandarin.
  • 18:23 - 18:25
    And now, if you're thinking,
  • 18:25 - 18:27
    if you're picturing somebody speaking Chinese in your head,
  • 18:27 - 18:28
    and it sounds really funny,
  • 18:28 - 18:30
    you're picturing Cantonese.
  • 18:31 - 18:34
    because Cantonese is the funnier sounding out of the two languages, isn't it?
  • 18:34 - 18:36
    It's the more flamboyant, you know what I mean?
  • 18:36 - 18:38
    It's the one with the extended-sounding words, you know.
  • 18:38 - 18:41
    [IMITATES CANTONESE]
    "Tung maaaahh!"
  • 18:42 - 18:44
    Like when I was in Hong Kong I heard people speaking Cantonese,
  • 18:44 - 18:46
    and that was the funniest shit I've heard in my life.
  • 18:46 - 18:48
    'Cause sometimes they speak,
  • 18:48 - 18:49
    and it sounds like they're falling off a cliff, you know?
  • 18:49 - 18:52
    [IMITATES CANTONESE]
    "Tung Laaaahhhh!"
  • 18:57 - 18:58
    And if you're not familiar with their languages,
  • 18:58 - 19:01
    we wouldn't even know if somebody wasn't speaking Cantonese properly.
  • 19:01 - 19:03
    I wouldn't even know if the guy was stuttering when he's speaking Cantonese,
  • 19:03 - 19:04
    you know what I mean?
  • 19:04 - 19:06
    He will be stuttering his ass and we wouldn't know.
  • 19:06 - 19:08
    [IMITATES STUTTERING CANTONESE]
  • 19:09 - 19:12
    [IMITATES STUTTERING CANTONESE]
  • 19:13 - 19:16
    [IMITATES STUTTERING CANTONESE]
  • 19:17 - 19:19
    [IMITATES STUTTERING CANTONESE]
  • 19:20 - 19:21
    You just walk away from that guy,
  • 19:21 - 19:23
    "He's speaking his ass off over there. He's..."
  • 19:28 - 19:31
    But Cantonese is the more fun sounding language,
  • 19:31 - 19:31
    you know what I mean?
  • 19:31 - 19:34
    I remember when I was in Hong Kong, I woke up in the morning in the hotel,
  • 19:34 - 19:36
    I was yawning and I'm walking to the lobby,
  • 19:36 - 19:37
    apparently I say some shit in Chinese.
  • 19:37 - 19:38
    I have no clue.
  • 19:38 - 19:40
    I'm walking through and all I was like,
  • 19:40 - 19:42
    "Oohh, aahh!"
  • 19:42 - 19:43
    And the hotel manager ran out,
  • 19:43 - 19:46
    "Hey, asshole! You don't swear in the hotel, okay?"
  • 19:47 - 19:48
    "You watch your mouth!"
  • 19:49 - 19:50
    "Be a man!"
  • 20:02 - 20:04
    But it's a very fun sounding language, you know what I mean?
  • 20:06 - 20:07
    Now, Mandarin, which they speak in Beijing,
  • 20:07 - 20:10
    and I had the chance to go to mainland China last year.
  • 20:10 - 20:12
    I learned the difference between the Cantonese and Mandarin,
  • 20:12 - 20:14
    and I'll help you with it right now.
  • 20:14 - 20:15
    Mandarin, you'll know right away,
  • 20:15 - 20:16
    now that you know what Cantonese sounds like.
  • 20:16 - 20:18
    You'll know right away if somebody was speaking Mandarin,
  • 20:18 - 20:19
    'cause it's way different.
  • 20:19 - 20:21
    It sounds way more chilled out, you know what I mean?
  • 20:21 - 20:22
    It's a little bit more relaxed.
  • 20:22 - 20:23
    It sounds a little bit more aggressive,
  • 20:23 - 20:25
    'cause it sounds like they're grinding their teeth when they're speaking.
  • 20:25 - 20:27
    Especially in Beijing, when they talk, they have that...
  • 20:27 - 20:29
    [IMITATES MANDARIN]
    "Hao hao, se, se, sur."
  • 20:30 - 20:33
    [IMITATES MANDARIN]
  • 20:33 - 20:36
    [IMITATES MANDARIN]
    "Sur, you son of a bitch!" Like that.
  • 20:41 - 20:43
    Much very different, you know what I mean?
  • 20:43 - 20:45
    And in Mandarin, they have...
  • 20:45 - 20:46
    You know when you're speaking English,
  • 20:46 - 20:48
    we have words that we use to stall,
  • 20:48 - 20:49
    'till we get to the next word.
  • 20:49 - 20:50
    Little shit words we shove into a sentence,
  • 20:50 - 20:52
    words like 'like,' or 'um,' or
  • 20:52 - 20:55
    'you know,' 'but uh,'
  • 20:55 - 20:57
    'sort of,' 'like, you know,'
  • 20:57 - 20:59
    'but you know.'
  • 20:59 - 21:02
    Just little crappy words that we shove into sentence,
  • 21:02 - 21:03
    while we're thinking up the next word, you know what I mean?
  • 21:03 - 21:04
    To stall.
  • 21:04 - 21:07
    Well, in Mandarin they have one word that they love to use,
  • 21:07 - 21:09
    and it sounds really messed up in English.
  • 21:09 - 21:10
    But this... You know what I'm saying.
  • 21:10 - 21:11
    This Chinese guy's like,
  • 21:11 - 21:13
    "I know! I know! I know the word."
  • 21:14 - 21:16
    So you know I'm not making it up, right?
  • 21:16 - 21:16
    This is the word.
  • 21:16 - 21:18
    All I hear while I'm in Beijing,
  • 21:18 - 21:19
    people talking, all I'm hearing is uh...
  • 21:19 - 21:22
    [IMITATES MANDARIN]
  • 21:22 - 21:23
    [IMITATES MANDARIN]
    "Neegah..."
  • 21:27 - 21:30
    "Neegah..."
  • 21:30 - 21:34
    "Neegah, neegah, neegah..."
  • 21:36 - 21:38
    That's their word!
  • 21:38 - 21:40
    Now this is a true story.
  • 21:41 - 21:43
    I was at KFC in Beijing.
  • 21:46 - 21:48
    'Cause I went to China
  • 21:48 - 21:50
    to eat Kentucky Fried Chicken, right? So...
  • 21:50 - 21:52
    I'm at KFC in Beijing,
  • 21:52 - 21:53
    I'm standing in line,
  • 21:53 - 21:55
    and standing in line in front of me
  • 21:55 - 21:56
    is a black woman.
  • 21:57 - 21:58
    I did not put her there.
  • 22:00 - 22:03
    She was there. I swear, you can't make this shit up.
  • 22:04 - 22:07
    As I'm standing in line, there's this black woman standing in line in front of me.
  • 22:07 - 22:09
    The only black woman in China,
  • 22:11 - 22:12
    and she found the chicken, that's all I'm saying.
  • 22:12 - 22:14
    All right? That's all I'm saying.
  • 22:18 - 22:20
    I don't make the stereotypes, I just see them.
  • 22:23 - 22:25
    So I'm standing in line, and this black woman is standing in front of me,
  • 22:25 - 22:27
    and she's a Nigerian woman.
  • 22:27 - 22:28
    I know she's Nigerian,
  • 22:28 - 22:31
    'cause she's having a tough time with the menu and she keeps looking at me.
  • 22:32 - 22:34
    [IMITATES NIGERIAN ACCENT]
    "I don't know what to order."
  • 22:36 - 22:38
    I'm like, "Look at the menu!"
    Right? So...
  • 22:42 - 22:45
    She's like "Eh!"ing and "Oh!"ing and everything's okay then, right? So...
  • 22:45 - 22:47
    I said "You should try the popcorn !Xhicken."
  • 22:48 - 22:48
    So...
  • 22:52 - 22:54
    So I was standing in line, right?
  • 22:54 - 22:57
    And this little Chinese kid runs in with his mom,
  • 22:57 - 22:58
    and he runs to the front of the counter, right?
  • 22:58 - 23:01
    And he's looking at the menu trying to figure out what he wants to eat,
  • 23:01 - 23:02
    now his mom's standing over there,
  • 23:02 - 23:04
    and the Nigerian woman's standing right here.
  • 23:04 - 23:06
    And he's trying to tell his mom what he wants to eat,
  • 23:06 - 23:07
    but he's not really sure.
  • 23:07 - 23:09
    So all you see happening is uh...
  • 23:09 - 23:11
    [IMITATES MANDARIN]
  • 23:11 - 23:12
    "Neegah..."
  • 23:13 - 23:16
    "Neegah..."
  • 23:16 - 23:19
    "Neegah..."
  • 23:20 - 23:21
    And the Nigerian woman looks at me,
  • 23:21 - 23:24
    like I'm supposed to beat the shit out of this kid, right?
  • 23:24 - 23:26
    "Why don't you hit him?"
  • 23:27 - 23:29
    I'm like, "Here's a straw. Get him yourself."
  • 23:30 - 23:30
    [BLOWGUN SOUND]
  • 23:47 - 23:48
    I had a good time in China.
  • 23:48 - 23:50
    You know what sucked, though, when I went to China?
  • 23:50 - 23:51
    I'm not making this up.
  • 23:51 - 23:54
    The airline lost my suitcase
  • 23:54 - 23:55
    on the way to China.
  • 23:56 - 23:57
    On the way.
  • 23:58 - 24:00
    How do you lose shit on the way to somewhere?
  • 24:01 - 24:04
    I get to China, I have nothing with me, right?
  • 24:04 - 24:06
    'Cause they lost my suitcase.
  • 24:06 - 24:07
    So I get to China,
  • 24:07 - 24:08
    all I had with me, 'cause I'm an idiot,
  • 24:08 - 24:09
    all I had was my hand luggage,
  • 24:09 - 24:12
    and in my hand luggage, all I packed was a portable DVD player,
  • 24:12 - 24:16
    a Discman, some CDs, some DVDs, some magazines.
  • 24:16 - 24:17
    'Cause I figured long trip like that
  • 24:17 - 24:18
    I want to be entertained.
  • 24:18 - 24:23
    And then my underwear and my socks and my toothbrush and my deodorant--
  • 24:24 - 24:25
    My deodorant...
  • 24:26 - 24:29
    will be in my suitcase which will meet me in China,
  • 24:29 - 24:32
    which never met me in China.
  • 24:33 - 24:36
    And I got to be honest with you, as a brown man,
  • 24:37 - 24:39
    we need our deodorant, all right?
  • 24:40 - 24:41
    Don't give me the look, 'cause you know you need it.
  • 24:41 - 24:44
    Don't walk around, "No, no, I'm good, I'm just... I'm good."
  • 24:44 - 24:44
    No, no, no.
  • 24:44 - 24:47
    You need the fucking deodorant, all right? That's what you need.
  • 24:51 - 24:52
    Because the rumors are already...
  • 24:52 - 24:54
    people have already said, "Oh, Indian people, they stink!"
  • 24:55 - 24:56
    Let me tell you something, Indian people don't stink.
  • 24:56 - 24:58
    Let me tell you what happens to my people.
  • 25:00 - 25:02
    We expire
  • 25:03 - 25:05
    quicker than other people.
  • 25:06 - 25:08
    And after 25 hours on a plane,
  • 25:08 - 25:10
    I was thoroughly expired.
  • 25:11 - 25:14
    I stunk so bad, I walked into the airport in Beijing,
  • 25:14 - 25:15
    Chinese people there were going,
  • 25:15 - 25:17
    "Oh, God, you stink."
  • 25:18 - 25:19
    "You're from India."
  • 25:21 - 25:22
    "Well, go to hell!"
  • 25:23 - 25:24
    "I'm from Canada."
  • 25:26 - 25:28
    "That's how Canadians smell."
  • 25:33 - 25:36
    So now, I have a show that night and I have no clothes,
  • 25:36 - 25:37
    and I'm wearing sweatpants, sweatshirt,
  • 25:37 - 25:39
    baseball hat, running shoes, you know what I mean?
  • 25:39 - 25:40
    I'm... I'm dressed for comfort.
  • 25:40 - 25:42
    I can't go on stage like that,
  • 25:42 - 25:43
    so I have to go to this mall in Beijing
  • 25:43 - 25:44
    to go buy some clothes.
  • 25:45 - 25:46
    Now, I didn't know this until I got there,
  • 25:46 - 25:48
    but apparently in China,
  • 25:48 - 25:50
    I'm Shaquile O'Neal.
  • 25:56 - 25:58
    I go to the mall, I walk into the store, I'm like,
  • 25:58 - 26:00
    "Hey, do you have 10.5 or 11 on that shoes?"
  • 26:00 - 26:01
    "Uh, no."
  • 26:03 - 26:04
    "How about an eight?"
  • 26:09 - 26:11
    "How about I can't negotiate my foot size with you?"
  • 26:11 - 26:12
    How about that?
  • 26:16 - 26:18
    "Alright, how about a 36 on those pants?"
  • 26:18 - 26:20
    "36 is too big!"
  • 26:22 - 26:23
    "You're too fat!"
  • 26:24 - 26:25
    "Lose some weight, fat boy!"
  • 26:27 - 26:30
    "Come back when you're 30, 32 the most."
  • 26:31 - 26:33
    I'm like, "How can I not find clothes in China?"
  • 26:33 - 26:34
    "Isn't everything made there?"
  • 26:46 - 26:47
    All in all, a good trip, though.
  • 26:49 - 26:51
    I did so much traveling, my passport expired last summer,
  • 26:51 - 26:53
    I had to renew my passport.
  • 26:53 - 26:55
    I don't know about it in America, but in Canada,
  • 26:55 - 26:57
    when you do passport photos,
  • 26:57 - 26:58
    you're not allowed to smile.
  • 26:58 - 27:00
    That's the new rule. You're not allowed to smile.
  • 27:00 - 27:03
    This is their way of fighting terrorism.
  • 27:04 - 27:05
    This is how they're gonna catch the terrorists.
  • 27:05 - 27:07
    You can't smile.
  • 27:07 - 27:09
    That's the message we're sending you. If you can,
  • 27:09 - 27:11
    If you're traveling, you'd better not be happy.
  • 27:12 - 27:14
    I didn't know, right? I'm in the mall,
  • 27:14 - 27:17
    I walked into one of those places that says "We do passport photos,"
  • 27:17 - 27:19
    I walked in, I'm like, "Yo, I need some passport photos."
  • 27:19 - 27:21
    The guy goes "No problem, buddy. Sit down."
  • 27:22 - 27:23
    Which really pissed me off,
  • 27:23 - 27:24
    cause he's a white guy,
  • 27:24 - 27:26
    and I don't know why he's talking like that, right? So...
  • 27:28 - 27:30
    I think he was mocking me.
  • 27:32 - 27:33
    So I sit down.
    The guy goes "You ready?"
  • 27:33 - 27:34
    I go, "Yeah."
  • 27:34 - 27:36
    It's a picture, and I'm a happy guy,
  • 27:36 - 27:37
    so I figured, alright.
  • 27:37 - 27:39
    He goes, "You ready?" And I smiled, I'm like this.
  • 27:41 - 27:43
    The guy goes, "Sir, sir."
  • 27:44 - 27:45
    "Your lips need to be touching."
  • 27:49 - 27:50
    "Alright."
  • 27:58 - 28:01
    "Sir. Sir, you can't smile."
  • 28:01 - 28:03
    Not like that, I can't smile. Of course I'm...
  • 28:03 - 28:04
    That's their way.
  • 28:04 - 28:06
    This is how they really think they're going to find the terrorist.
  • 28:06 - 28:08
    It's by making you not smile.
  • 28:08 - 28:10
    You wanna find the terrorist?
  • 28:10 - 28:11
    Make everybody smile.
  • 28:11 - 28:13
    And the people who don't want to smile?
  • 28:13 - 28:14
    Question them!
  • 28:15 - 28:17
    Whenever you've been watching CNN,
  • 28:17 - 28:19
    and they show you the terrorists that they're looking for,
  • 28:19 - 28:20
    and those guys are happy?
  • 28:20 - 28:20
    Never!
  • 28:21 - 28:24
    Sir, you never see like a shot of a terrorist stand around, going,
  • 28:28 - 28:30
    You know, there's never the one joker terrorist guy
  • 28:30 - 28:31
    with his thumb on the detonator,
  • 28:31 - 28:32
    "I'll do it! I'll do it!"
  • 28:32 - 28:36
    "I'll... Ah, you flinched, you bastard! I saw you flinched!"
  • 28:41 - 28:43
    So I wasn't allowed to smile.
  • 28:43 - 28:44
    So now, if it wasn't bad enough
  • 28:44 - 28:46
    being a brown man, going to the airport,
  • 28:46 - 28:49
    now when I give them my passport, I look pissed off.
  • 28:50 - 28:52
    My picture in my passport looks like this.
  • 28:56 - 28:57
    They're taking my passport,
  • 28:57 - 28:59
    "Now, Mr. Peters, step this way, please."
  • 29:00 - 29:02
    "We'd like a few words with you."
  • 29:02 - 29:05
    It's hard, man. The security at the airport,
  • 29:05 - 29:06
    the Custom, Immigration,
  • 29:06 - 29:09
    they really need to learn the difference between a terrorist
  • 29:09 - 29:10
    and an Indian.
  • 29:11 - 29:12
    We're not the same!
  • 29:13 - 29:14
    We're not!
  • 29:18 - 29:19
    We're not from the same part of the world,
  • 29:19 - 29:22
    we don't speak the same language, we don't eat the same food.
  • 29:22 - 29:24
    We don't even hate the same people.
  • 29:26 - 29:28
    Terrorists hate Americans.
  • 29:28 - 29:30
    Indians hate each other.
  • 29:35 - 29:37
    A terrorist will blow up an airport.
  • 29:38 - 29:40
    Indians like to work at the airport.
  • 29:42 - 29:44
    "That will be counter-productive."
  • 29:49 - 29:52
    I know a lot of white people are nervous about flying nowadays,
  • 29:52 - 29:53
    I understand to a certain degree,
  • 29:53 - 29:56
    but I had one white guy like, "No, man. I don't fly anymore."
  • 29:57 - 29:59
    "You never know what shit's gonna go down up there."
  • 30:00 - 30:02
    I'm like, "What? Nothing's going down up there, dude."
  • 30:02 - 30:04
    "Yeah, well, you never know."
  • 30:05 - 30:08
    And I understand, you know what I mean? You're a little panicked a little bit,
  • 30:08 - 30:09
    but think about it reasonably, you know what I mean?
  • 30:09 - 30:10
    Think about it logically.
  • 30:10 - 30:12
    Think about what airline you're getting on.
  • 30:12 - 30:15
    Where you're getting on the plane, where you're flying to, you know what I mean?
  • 30:15 - 30:18
    That all factors in your whole terrorist theory.
  • 30:18 - 30:20
    I was on a JetBlue flight.
  • 30:21 - 30:23
    See? JetBlue is funny enough.
  • 30:25 - 30:28
    I was on a JetBlue flight from Buffalo, New York to La Guardia.
  • 30:28 - 30:30
    It was like a 30-seat plane.
  • 30:30 - 30:31
    [WITH INDIAN ACCENT]
    Plane.
  • 30:32 - 30:34
    Oh my God, my Indian Tourette is acting up.
  • 30:35 - 30:37
    "30-seat plane."
  • 30:43 - 30:44
    We all go through it.
  • 30:46 - 30:48
    So I get on board this little plane.
  • 30:48 - 30:50
    It's a 45 minute flight.
  • 30:50 - 30:51
    I walked on board,
  • 30:51 - 30:53
    this older white lady sees me, grabs her bag, goes
  • 30:53 - 30:55
    "Oh, my God!"
  • 30:56 - 30:58
    I'm like, "What?"
  • 30:58 - 31:00
    "You think I'm a terrorist?"
  • 31:00 - 31:02
    "On freaking JetBlue?"
  • 31:04 - 31:06
    "What am I? The low self-esteem terrorist?"
  • 31:09 - 31:12
    "Yeah, I don't want to kill a lot of us today,"
  • 31:12 - 31:14
    "tought I start off with 30."
  • 31:14 - 31:16
    "Tomorrow, Southwest."
  • 31:21 - 31:24
    Just think about it logically, you know.
  • 31:29 - 31:32
    I was on a flight like two weeks after 9-11,
  • 31:32 - 31:34
    I sat down beside this white guy, he almost shit his pants.
  • 31:35 - 31:37
    I sat down, the guy goes like this.
  • 31:37 - 31:39
    [BREATHING NERVOUSLY]
  • 31:43 - 31:45
    About half an hour into the flight, I reached for my bag,
  • 31:45 - 31:47
    the guy goes, "Oh my God! No!"
  • 31:49 - 31:51
    "What? Relax, you jackass."
  • 31:53 - 31:54
    "Just getting my Discman."
  • 31:56 - 31:58
    "Gotta listen to my instructions."
  • 32:11 - 32:12
    Glad Latinos are here, man.
  • 32:12 - 32:13
    All six of you.
  • 32:14 - 32:16
    You full Latino? You half?
  • 32:16 - 32:17
    What are you?
  • 32:17 - 32:18
    He does this. Half.
  • 32:19 - 32:20
    That's half?
  • 32:21 - 32:22
    That's how you cut him.
  • 32:23 - 32:24
    What are you? What's your mix?
  • 32:24 - 32:26
    Uh, Puerto Rican and black.
  • 32:26 - 32:27
    Puerto Rican and black.
  • 32:28 - 32:30
    That's not far off. They're from New York, your parents?
  • 32:31 - 32:31
    One is.
  • 32:32 - 32:33
    One is? Which one?
  • 32:34 - 32:35
    Puerto Rican?
  • 32:35 - 32:36
    Is he really?
  • 32:37 - 32:39
    Nice. a Puerto Rican and black. That's cool, man.
  • 32:39 - 32:42
    We don't-- we don't have any Puerto Ricans in Canada.
  • 32:42 - 32:44
    We don't have any Mexican. Any Mexican people here?
  • 32:45 - 32:46
    You? One guy's like...
  • 32:49 - 32:50
    Are you full Mexican?
  • 32:50 - 32:51
    Yup.
  • 32:51 - 32:52
    Nice. What's your name?
  • 32:52 - 32:52
    Jose.
  • 32:53 - 32:54
    Jose? Wow, just...
  • 33:00 - 33:02
    just in case we didn't believe him, you know?
  • 33:09 - 33:10
    I like the Mexicans.
  • 33:10 - 33:12
    Well, there's no Mexicans in Canada either, man.
  • 33:12 - 33:14
    There's none. There's no Mexicans in Canada.
  • 33:14 - 33:15
    You should see how messed up our lawns are.
  • 33:16 - 33:17
    Now, uh...
  • 33:20 - 33:21
    What? All of a sudden everybody got sensitive.
  • 33:21 - 33:23
    "Oh, hey! That's not..."
  • 33:26 - 33:27
    "Everybody else, it's fine."
  • 33:27 - 33:29
    "But you don't say shit about the lawn."
  • 33:33 - 33:35
    It's funny how defensive they got for you.
  • 33:35 - 33:36
    You see that, Jose? They got your back.
  • 33:39 - 33:41
    No Mexican. I wish we had Mexicans,
  • 33:41 - 33:43
    but we got a lot of-- we got-- we got Latinos,
  • 33:43 - 33:45
    but we got a lot of South Americans, you know what I mean? All the,
  • 33:45 - 33:47
    like, Chileans and all the,
  • 33:47 - 33:50
    all the, uh, Uruguay and all the soccer countries. You know what I mean?
  • 33:50 - 33:51
    We got all them.
  • 33:52 - 33:54
    But, see, I live in LA now.
  • 33:54 - 33:56
    And in LA there are a lot of Mexicans,
  • 33:56 - 33:58
    and one of my good friends, Jesus,
  • 33:59 - 33:59
    "Hay-soos."
  • 34:00 - 34:02
    It's just cool to hang around a guy named Jesus, you know what I mean? That's...
  • 34:03 - 34:05
    "Who's your friend?"
    "The son of God."
  • 34:05 - 34:05
    That's uh...
  • 34:10 - 34:11
    I like hanging around Jesus, man.
  • 34:11 - 34:14
    'Cause Mexican, Latinos in general are very proud people,
  • 34:14 - 34:15
    you know what I mean?
  • 34:15 - 34:17
    You don't ever mess up anything Spanish around them.
  • 34:17 - 34:20
    They get very upset, like you're supposed to know how to say their shit.
  • 34:20 - 34:22
    I'm like, "Jesus, I'm gonna go get a burrito, man."
  • 34:22 - 34:23
    "Hey!"
  • 34:24 - 34:26
    "It's Buh-ree-toh."
  • 34:30 - 34:33
    "Holy shit. I'm sorryto, OK?"
  • 34:39 - 34:41
    The Latinos in Canada is trying to play that, see?
  • 34:41 - 34:44
    The guys in the, the Mexican cats in LA, they all play that--"
  • 34:44 - 34:46
    a lot of them play that hardcore cholo thing, you know?
  • 34:46 - 34:48
    That whole gangster thing.
  • 34:48 - 34:50
    "Hey, ese, I want to talk to you for a minute. Eh, fucker?"
  • 34:54 - 34:56
    They play it hard, you know? They--
  • 34:56 - 34:57
    They got that intensity about them.
  • 34:57 - 34:58
    Even Jesus will approach me,
  • 34:58 - 35:00
    "Hey, Russell, let me talk to you for a second, eh?"
  • 35:02 - 35:03
    "What? What did I do?"
  • 35:03 - 35:05
    "Nothing. I'm just saying hi."
  • 35:07 - 35:09
    "Damn, Jesus. You wanna relax a little?"
  • 35:11 - 35:13
    The Latinos in Canada, all the South American guys,
  • 35:13 - 35:16
    they play that whole smooth Latin lover shit all the time, you know?
  • 35:16 - 35:17
    Too much, to the point, like,
  • 35:17 - 35:19
    where they're trying to seduce everybody all the time.
  • 35:19 - 35:20
    You know what I mean?
  • 35:20 - 35:22
    I went to this Spanish club in Toronto.
  • 35:22 - 35:24
    This girl goes, "Oh, Russell, I want you to meet Fernando."
  • 35:24 - 35:26
    This guy turns around, and goes, "Hola."
  • 35:34 - 35:36
    [WITH SMOOTH SPANISH ACCENT]
    "I am Fernando."
  • 35:37 - 35:38
    I'm like, "You want to put your cock away, Fernando?"
  • 35:38 - 35:40
    "I'm just trying to shake your hand. It's uh..."
  • 35:42 - 35:43
    "...not that kind of party."
  • 35:45 - 35:46
    But I like, I like the Latinos.
  • 35:46 - 35:47
    'Cause you know why?
  • 35:48 - 35:49
    They could have the most normal accent in the world,
  • 35:49 - 35:51
    but the minute they start saying like a South American country,
  • 35:51 - 35:54
    it sounds like they just stepped off a boat a second ago.
  • 35:54 - 35:54
    You know what I mean?
  • 35:55 - 35:55
    "Hey, where you from?"
  • 35:55 - 35:58
    "Well, I'm from here, but my family's originally from Ecuador."
  • 36:00 - 36:02
    "What the hell happened to you just now?"
  • 36:02 - 36:03
    And the more Spanish countries they say,
  • 36:03 - 36:05
    the more it sounds like they're going deaf, you know?
  • 36:05 - 36:08
    "Well, I'm from Ecuador. This is my friend from Nicaragua."
  • 36:09 - 36:11
    "Eastern Guatemala."
  • 36:11 - 36:12
    [GIBBERISH]
  • 36:12 - 36:13
    "Honduras."
  • 36:13 - 36:15
    [GIBBERISH]
  • 36:15 - 36:17
    [GIBBERISH]
  • 36:17 - 36:20
    "Peru! Peru!"
  • 36:32 - 36:33
    I like cultural names.
  • 36:33 - 36:34
    Cultural names are really cool, you know.
  • 36:34 - 36:36
    I don't have a cultural name.
  • 36:36 - 36:38
    And Indian people for some reason have a real tough time with this.
  • 36:38 - 36:41
    But my real name is Russell Peters.
  • 36:42 - 36:44
    Both my parents are from India,
  • 36:44 - 36:45
    and that's the name they gave me.
  • 36:45 - 36:46
    Russell Dominic...
  • 36:46 - 36:49
    Look at you dumb motherfuckers right there!
  • 36:49 - 36:52
    Do you know Indian history at all?
  • 36:52 - 36:53
    At all?
  • 36:53 - 36:55
    No, you don't. You know why? I can tell you there's no Indian history.
  • 36:55 - 36:57
    The British were there for 400 years.
  • 36:57 - 36:59
    You don't think they fucked one or two of us?
  • 37:07 - 37:09
    If they can steal all our jewelries,
  • 37:09 - 37:10
    they can bang one or two of us.
  • 37:12 - 37:14
    That's my real name. Both my parents are from India,
  • 37:14 - 37:16
    and they named me Russell Dominic Peters.
  • 37:16 - 37:19
    Dominic. I got an Italian middle name.
  • 37:19 - 37:22
    'Cause my parents are from that Italian part of India.
  • 37:24 - 37:25
    [WITH ITALIAN ACCENT]
    Calcutta.
  • 37:25 - 37:26
    You know, that part there.
  • 37:28 - 37:30
    That's it. You have a problem with my name?
  • 37:30 - 37:32
    Talk to my parents, Eric and Maureen.
  • 37:35 - 37:37
    And my brother Julio.
  • 37:42 - 37:44
    If I had an Indian name, I'd wear it proudly.
  • 37:44 - 37:46
    You know what I mean? I don't have one.
  • 37:46 - 37:48
    If I had it, I would rock it very proudly.
  • 37:48 - 37:50
    What's your name, Mr. India over there?
  • 37:51 - 37:51
    Anit.
  • 37:52 - 37:52
    - Sorry?
    - Anit.
  • 37:53 - 37:53
    Anit?
  • 37:54 - 37:55
    See, that's a neat name.
  • 37:55 - 37:56
    That's uh...
  • 38:00 - 38:01
    Anit!
  • 38:02 - 38:03
    Anit!
  • 38:04 - 38:04
    Patel!
  • 38:04 - 38:06
    Patel? Nice.
  • 38:10 - 38:12
    Jose, that's the equivalent right there.
  • 38:12 - 38:12
    That's uh...
  • 38:16 - 38:17
    Anit Patel.
  • 38:18 - 38:20
    That's my brother, Amessy Patel.
  • 38:23 - 38:26
    That's my big brother, Aslob.
  • 38:34 - 38:35
    Do you know what your name means?
  • 38:36 - 38:36
    No.
  • 38:36 - 38:37
    No?
  • 38:38 - 38:40
    So sure that this wasn't my name, but has no clue what your name...
  • 38:40 - 38:42
    I don't know what your name means either.
  • 38:42 - 38:43
    I know what my name means.
  • 38:43 - 38:45
    Russell. It sucks. You know what it means?
  • 38:45 - 38:46
    To make a noise.
  • 38:48 - 38:49
    It's uh...
  • 38:50 - 38:52
    It's a shit name, it's a shit joke, what do you want?
  • 38:56 - 38:58
    I like the Indian names. I think,
  • 38:58 - 38:59
    I think the Indian names are very cool.
  • 38:59 - 39:02
    They have deep meanings to them. They have long history behind them.
  • 39:02 - 39:03
    What's your name, my little Sikh brother right there?
  • 39:03 - 39:04
    What's your name?
  • 39:05 - 39:05
    Prabjoat.
  • 39:05 - 39:06
    Sorry?
  • 39:06 - 39:07
    Prabjoat.
  • 39:07 - 39:07
    Prab?
  • 39:08 - 39:08
    Jote.
  • 39:09 - 39:11
    Not prebjoad, right?
  • 39:12 - 39:14
    'Cause that would just be rude, I guess, at that point, wouldn't it?
  • 39:14 - 39:16
    That would make his name Prab-fuck,
  • 39:16 - 39:17
    That's what his name would have been.
  • 39:18 - 39:19
    Prebjoad.
  • 39:22 - 39:24
    "Prebjoad! What are you doing? That's..."
  • 39:25 - 39:26
    Good solid Indian name, you know?
  • 39:26 - 39:28
    I like the Indian names. Do you know what your name means?
  • 39:28 - 39:30
    What-- See, he knows what his name means.
  • 39:31 - 39:32
    Eh, Anit?
  • 39:37 - 39:39
    What does it mean, Prab?
  • 39:39 - 39:40
    God's essence.
  • 39:40 - 39:41
    God's essence?
  • 39:43 - 39:44
    God damn!
  • 39:49 - 39:50
    What's your sister's name? Herbal Essence?
  • 39:50 - 39:51
    What's uh...
  • 39:58 - 40:00
    "You sister smells great."
  • 40:01 - 40:02
    "That's just Herbal."
  • 40:03 - 40:04
    "Herbal-joad."
  • 40:12 - 40:15
    God's essence. That's dope, man.
  • 40:15 - 40:16
    I like the Indian names.
  • 40:16 - 40:19
    I think a lot of Indian names are really cool, but...
  • 40:19 - 40:21
    I think a lot of-- cultural names are cool.
  • 40:21 - 40:23
    But if you're gonna be, if you're gonna have a cultural name,
  • 40:23 - 40:26
    and you're gonna move from another country to America,
  • 40:26 - 40:29
    think about what that name means in English before you move here.
  • 40:29 - 40:30
    You know what I mean?
  • 40:30 - 40:32
    Think about how it's gonna affect your life.
  • 40:32 - 40:34
    'Cause some Indian names are really good.
  • 40:34 - 40:35
    Some Indian names are really cool.
  • 40:35 - 40:38
    And they mean a lot. But they're really good in India.
  • 40:39 - 40:41
    When they come here with those names,
  • 40:41 - 40:42
    it just doesn't cross over very well.
  • 40:43 - 40:44
    I met an Indian dude,
  • 40:44 - 40:46
    and you know this is a real name, cause he was one of your people.
  • 40:47 - 40:47
    Um...
  • 40:48 - 40:50
    I met an Indian guy, I swear to God,
  • 40:50 - 40:52
    his real name was Sukhdeep.
  • 40:55 - 40:56
    Sukh Deep.
  • 40:58 - 40:59
    Could you imagine living your life
  • 40:59 - 41:01
    with a name like Suck Deep?
  • 41:02 - 41:03
    Somebody's looking for you one day,
  • 41:03 - 41:04
    "Yo, man."
  • 41:05 - 41:06
    "You Suckdeep?"
  • 41:13 - 41:16
    "Yeah, sometimes, if I have to. I..."
  • 41:18 - 41:20
    "...don't really like it, though. I..."
  • 41:23 - 41:25
    And obviously it's not pronounced 'suck deep' in my culture,
  • 41:25 - 41:26
    you know what I mean?
  • 41:26 - 41:28
    But if you were to read it, that's how you read it.
  • 41:28 - 41:31
    It's spelled S-U-K-H-D-E-E-P.
  • 41:32 - 41:33
    The 'H' doesn't help.
  • 41:35 - 41:36
    'Cause now it sounds even worse.
  • 41:36 - 41:38
    Suck huh Deep.
  • 41:42 - 41:45
    "Come here, Suck-huh-Deep!"
  • 41:48 - 41:51
    And I used to think Sukhdeep was the funniest Indian name I've ever heard.
  • 41:51 - 41:53
    And then a few months ago, I was in D.C.,
  • 41:53 - 41:55
    and I met this Indian dude. And I shit you not,
  • 41:55 - 41:57
    the guy's real name
  • 41:57 - 41:58
    was Hardik.
  • 42:00 - 42:02
    H-A-R-D-I-K.
  • 42:02 - 42:03
    Hardik!
  • 42:04 - 42:06
    Who the hell name their kid Hard Dick?
  • 42:06 - 42:08
    "Hey, come on, Hardik, pull up your pants."
  • 42:08 - 42:09
    "Stop that. It's not nice."
  • 42:19 - 42:20
    Hard dick.
  • 42:20 - 42:23
    How can you not get into a career in porn with a name like Hard Dick?
  • 42:24 - 42:26
    What if Hardik and Sukhdeep became best friends?
  • 42:32 - 42:33
    You're a Punjabi, you know what I'm saying.
  • 42:33 - 42:35
    You guys cross the line with us as well.
  • 42:35 - 42:37
    I met an Indian girl named Ramindeep.
  • 42:38 - 42:40
    Ram-in-deep!
  • 42:40 - 42:43
    "Hey, get in there, Ramindeep."
  • 42:48 - 42:49
    Sure, it's not pronounced like that,
  • 42:49 - 42:51
    but it sounds funnier when you say Ram-in-deep.
  • 42:54 - 42:55
    Just think, you know.
  • 42:55 - 42:56
    And I don't know why the Indian guys just can't wrap--
  • 42:56 - 42:58
    Indian people can't wrap their head around my name.
  • 42:58 - 43:00
    I don't know why it's that difficult.
  • 43:00 - 43:02
    It's very simple. Just go read a history book
  • 43:02 - 43:03
    and it'll all make sense to you.
  • 43:03 - 43:05
    And Indian people are always the worst about it. The worst.
  • 43:05 - 43:07
    White people here. "Russell Peters."
    "Oh, okay."
  • 43:08 - 43:10
    They don't have a problem with it. They don't get it.
  • 43:10 - 43:11
    They just, "Oh, I don't care. Yeah."
  • 43:11 - 43:14
    "Maybe he's just a dark white guy. I don't know what he is. It's uh..."
  • 43:17 - 43:19
    "Maybe somewhere south. I don't know what he is."
  • 43:22 - 43:24
    I am-- "Look, you're not Christian, are you?"
  • 43:25 - 43:26
    "Yes, I am."
  • 43:26 - 43:26
    South?
  • 43:26 - 43:29
    No, not from the south. See, I'm not one of them.
  • 43:29 - 43:30
    I know what you're thinking. I'm not one of them.
  • 43:30 - 43:32
    Those were converts.
  • 43:32 - 43:33
    I was mixed.
  • 43:34 - 43:35
    We don't know when the mix happened.
  • 43:36 - 43:37
    It just happened.
  • 43:38 - 43:39
    We're a long line of us.
  • 43:40 - 43:42
    Indian people are the worst. 'Cause uh...
  • 43:42 - 43:43
    You tell my name to a white guy: "Russell Peters."
  • 43:43 - 43:45
    "How're you doing? Nice to meet you."
  • 43:45 - 43:46
    Indian people, they'll first want to question you.
  • 43:46 - 43:49
    And the Indian people, when they try to get information out of you,
  • 43:49 - 43:50
    they're the worst at it.
  • 43:51 - 43:52
    They're not very convincing.
  • 43:52 - 43:54
    You can always tell when an Indian person's
  • 43:54 - 43:56
    trying to convince you to tell them something.
  • 43:56 - 43:57
    'Cause when they're trying to convince you,
  • 43:57 - 44:00
    they give you this look like they're taking a shit.
  • 44:01 - 44:02
    They do. They'll come like this.
  • 44:02 - 44:03
    "Hey, Russell."
  • 44:12 - 44:13
    "Russell..."
  • 44:15 - 44:16
    [STRAINING]
    "Russell..."
  • 44:21 - 44:22
    It's what they do.
  • 44:22 - 44:24
    They're not very convincing people, you know?
  • 44:25 - 44:27
    Parents are the worst 'cause they--
  • 44:27 - 44:29
    White parents are very direct, you know what I mean?
  • 44:29 - 44:30
    You have white parents. Where are you?
  • 44:30 - 44:31
    There you are, white guy. Yeah.
  • 44:32 - 44:33
    What's your name, buddy?
  • 44:33 - 44:33
    Steve.
  • 44:33 - 44:35
    Steve. Just in case-- wow, there's--
  • 44:35 - 44:38
    Welcome to stereotype night. This is um...
  • 44:39 - 44:41
    Steve, Jose, and Anit Patel.
  • 44:49 - 44:50
    White parents are very direct.
  • 44:50 - 44:51
    They want their kids to something?
  • 44:51 - 44:53
    "Hey, Steve, come here and clean up your room."
  • 44:54 - 44:55
    They tell you right away.
  • 44:55 - 44:58
    Indian parents feel the need to convince their kids to do things.
  • 44:58 - 45:00
    And if they don't make the shit face,
  • 45:00 - 45:03
    they'll take one word and try and make it sound convincing.
  • 45:03 - 45:04
    You know?
  • 45:04 - 45:05
    "Russell?"
  • 45:06 - 45:06
    "Come."
  • 45:10 - 45:11
    "Coome."
  • 45:13 - 45:15
    "Cooome."
  • 45:20 - 45:21
    That's their convincing sound.
  • 45:21 - 45:23
    They'll just take one word and extend it.
  • 45:23 - 45:24
    [ELONGATED SOUND]
  • 45:25 - 45:28
    I can only imagine an arranged marriage on the wedding night.
  • 45:28 - 45:30
    They got to consummate the first day they met.
  • 45:31 - 45:33
    "Are we going to have sex?"
  • 45:34 - 45:35
    "Seex?"
  • 45:36 - 45:38
    [MAKING ELONGATED SOUND]
    "Seeeex."
  • 45:43 - 45:44
    "Doggy style?"
  • 45:45 - 45:46
    "Doogy?"
  • 45:47 - 45:49
    "Dooooog."
  • 46:00 - 46:03
    Immigrant parents have a tendency to embarrass their kids, don't they?
  • 46:05 - 46:06
    Yeah, they do. They do things.
  • 46:06 - 46:07
    They just do shit when family comes over.
  • 46:07 - 46:09
    That's when they embarrass you.
  • 46:09 - 46:11
    You can try and be as hardcore as you want,
  • 46:11 - 46:13
    but the minute your family, like relatives come over, it's over.
  • 46:13 - 46:14
    They're gonna embarrass you.
  • 46:14 - 46:16
    Filipinos, you know what I'm saying.
  • 46:16 - 46:18
    You guys always have that shit happen to you.
  • 46:18 - 46:20
    "Show Tito Ray how you sing. Show him."
  • 46:21 - 46:23
    "Joon, come here and show Tito Ray your songs."
  • 46:23 - 46:26
    "Show him. Sing the songs for Tito Ray."
  • 46:26 - 46:27
    "Go on. Do it."
  • 46:27 - 46:30
    "Do it. Ah, see. He's so good. He's so good."
  • 46:33 - 46:34
    Indian parents will do that too.
  • 46:34 - 46:36
    I remember when I was like 14, I used to break-dance.
  • 46:36 - 46:37
    There was...
  • 46:37 - 46:38
    Yeah, I did.
  • 46:40 - 46:41
    I was, all the time, just...
  • 46:49 - 46:51
    That was me back in the day, man.
  • 46:52 - 46:54
    But I remember, like, when I was 14, I'd be out there all day.
  • 46:54 - 46:56
    "Come on, we're gonna break. Come on, everybody. We're gonna break."
  • 46:56 - 46:58
    "We're gonna break all day, man!"
  • 46:58 - 46:59
    And then when my family would come over,
  • 46:59 - 47:01
    I didn't want to like, break in front of them.
  • 47:01 - 47:02
    My dad would be like, "Come, Russell."
  • 47:02 - 47:04
    "Show. Show uncle how you dance."
  • 47:04 - 47:06
    "Show uncle how you dance!"
  • 47:07 - 47:08
    I'm like, "I don't want to show him how I..."
  • 47:08 - 47:09
    "Show him how you dance."
  • 47:09 - 47:11
    And you're standing like an asshole.
  • 47:18 - 47:21
    And your uncle's like, "Oh, that's very good. Is he retarded?"
  • 47:21 - 47:22
    "I can't tell what's happening. It's..."
  • 47:29 - 47:30
    Yeah, Russell!
  • 47:32 - 47:34
    Just embarrassed you, man.
  • 47:39 - 47:40
    That's a lot of energy.
  • 47:42 - 47:45
    Anybody here from England? Any British people in the house tonight?
  • 47:45 - 47:46
    Oh, look at that.
  • 47:46 - 47:48
    Nice, you imported your white meat.
  • 47:48 - 47:49
    Nice job, sir.
  • 47:51 - 47:53
    Where you from in England, ma'am? Are you from England?
  • 47:53 - 47:54
    What part?
  • 47:54 - 47:56
    I'm from Bedford.
  • 47:56 - 47:57
    [WITH ENGLISH ACCENT]
    Bedford.
  • 48:01 - 48:02
    Bedford.
  • 48:02 - 48:03
    She said it so nicely. "I'm from Bedford."
  • 48:06 - 48:08
    I like the English accent sometimes, you know what I mean?"
  • 48:08 - 48:10
    But I really think it's the only accent in the world you can't do
  • 48:10 - 48:12
    without making a ridiculous face every time you do it.
  • 48:13 - 48:14
    "Yes, good evening, I'm from England."
  • 48:16 - 48:17
    "Ha!"
  • 48:19 - 48:21
    "I'm from England."
  • 48:21 - 48:22
    "Ha!"
  • 48:27 - 48:28
    Sometimes English people are OK,
  • 48:28 - 48:29
    but sometimes they get very arrogant, the English.
  • 48:29 - 48:30
    You know what I mean?
  • 48:30 - 48:31
    You want to mess with English people?
  • 48:31 - 48:33
    Next time you meet somebody from England
  • 48:33 - 48:34
    and they tell you where they're from,
  • 48:34 - 48:36
    act like you've never heard of it.
  • 48:38 - 48:40
    Oh, they get pissed off.
  • 48:40 - 48:42
    "Hey, that's an interesting accent. Where are you from?"
  • 48:42 - 48:44
    "I'm from England. Ha ha!"
  • 48:51 - 48:52
    "I'm sorry. Where?"
  • 48:55 - 48:56
    "England."
  • 48:57 - 48:58
    "Haah!"
  • 49:02 - 49:03
    "I've never heard of it."
  • 49:04 - 49:05
    "England?"
  • 49:06 - 49:07
    "Ha?"
  • 49:11 - 49:12
    "Little island, beside"
  • 49:12 - 49:14
    [WHEEZING]
    "Europe."
  • 49:16 - 49:17
    "Is that near Miami?"
  • 49:19 - 49:20
    "England, you bloody fool!"
  • 49:22 - 49:23
    "I believe you are speaking our language."
  • 49:24 - 49:26
    "I'm speaking English, dude. I don't know what the hell you're speaking right now."
  • 49:27 - 49:29
    "You're speaking constipatese or something."
  • 49:29 - 49:30
    "I don't know what that is,"
  • 49:30 - 49:32
    "but you need fiber, jeeves."
  • 49:34 - 49:35
    "England. Ha!"
  • 49:36 - 49:38
    It just-- It looks ugly sometimes, you know?
  • 49:38 - 49:40
    I think that's why English guys don't get laid a lot, man.
  • 49:41 - 49:42
    Women don't want that pounding them, do they?
  • 49:42 - 49:44
    "Oh, God, ooh, ahh!"
  • 49:44 - 49:45
    "Aah!"
  • 49:46 - 49:49
    "What a delightful feeling! Oh my God! Ah!"
  • 49:49 - 49:52
    "That is smashing! Oh! Aah!"
  • 49:52 - 49:54
    "Ooh, aha! Oh!"
  • 49:54 - 49:57
    "Oh my God, I'm arriving! Ah!"
  • 50:14 - 50:15
    How long have you been in America for?
  • 50:18 - 50:19
    Twelve, thirteen years?
  • 50:19 - 50:22
    And you guys met in England, obviously, because he's a brown man.
  • 50:23 - 50:24
    'Cause I don't know if you're aware of this now,
  • 50:24 - 50:28
    but England has the largest population of Indian people outside of India.
  • 50:28 - 50:30
    It's true. They're all there.
  • 50:30 - 50:32
    And the British are so pissed off that we're there.
  • 50:32 - 50:34
    They're mad 'cause there's so many of us, and...
  • 50:34 - 50:35
    as a brown man, when I walk around England,
  • 50:35 - 50:37
    I can feel it, hear them under their breath.
  • 50:37 - 50:40
    "Go home, you brown bastards!"
  • 50:41 - 50:42
    "Ha!"
  • 50:47 - 50:49
    And they're mad. They're mad because there's so many Indian people in England.
  • 50:49 - 50:51
    And that's not our fault. That's the British people's fault.
  • 50:51 - 50:52
    You guys started it.
  • 50:53 - 50:56
    You went to India first. We didn't ask you to come over.
  • 50:58 - 51:00
    1600. They just showed up.
  • 51:02 - 51:04
    They stayed for 400 years.
  • 51:04 - 51:06
    1947, they just got up and left.
  • 51:06 - 51:08
    We were like, "No, no, no. Wait."
  • 51:08 - 51:09
    "We're coming with you."
  • 51:17 - 51:19
    "You can't just come here and leave."
  • 51:19 - 51:21
    "What the hell are you going to eat?"
  • 51:23 - 51:24
    "Coming."
  • 51:24 - 51:25
    "Coming?"
  • 51:25 - 51:27
    "Coome."
  • 51:38 - 51:40
    My white American friends, I uh...
  • 51:40 - 51:41
    Steve, your families from America?
  • 51:42 - 51:44
    Nice. And you're married to a brown girl, right?
  • 51:45 - 51:46
    Nice. How long have you guys been married for?
  • 51:46 - 51:47
    Eleven years.
  • 51:48 - 51:49
    Eleven years? Nice.
  • 51:50 - 51:51
    You know what's funny?
  • 51:51 - 51:52
    Nowadays, eleven years is "Wow!"
  • 51:52 - 51:54
    Back then, "Eleven? That's it?"
  • 51:55 - 51:56
    Now it's like, "Wow, you made it."
  • 51:57 - 51:59
    We have three kids.
  • 51:59 - 52:01
    Three kids? Nice, little beige babies. Nice.
  • 52:02 - 52:04
    Nice, good job, huh?
  • 52:04 - 52:06
    Indian women are good. They're sexy, right?
  • 52:06 - 52:08
    Spicy. Spicy, though, huh?
  • 52:09 - 52:10
    If you're going down on her,
  • 52:10 - 52:12
    better take a glass of water, that's all I'm saying. You know what I mean?
  • 52:12 - 52:13
    That's all I'm saying.
  • 52:16 - 52:17
    "Uh, huh! Huh!"
  • 52:18 - 52:23
    [MAKING SOUND OF BURNT TONGUE]
  • 52:38 - 52:40
    White people, my white American friends,
  • 52:40 - 52:42
    I'm here to tell you something, alright?
  • 52:42 - 52:43
    I like you.
  • 52:44 - 52:46
    And I'm not just saying that to say it.
  • 52:46 - 52:48
    I'm telling you for a reason.
  • 52:48 - 52:52
    Because I think white folks have really done some major things in the past 30 years.
  • 52:52 - 52:54
    They've really taken some strides.
  • 52:54 - 52:57
    And I feel bad for them too because white people--
  • 52:57 - 53:01
    we, all the non-white people in the world have white folks convinced
  • 53:01 - 53:02
    that they're racist.
  • 53:03 - 53:06
    We have them so scared to notice anything of color,
  • 53:07 - 53:10
    that they're afraid to describe things accurately now.
  • 53:10 - 53:12
    I was working at this comedy club.
  • 53:12 - 53:13
    One of my black friends came down to hang out with me,
  • 53:13 - 53:14
    and the doorman comes up and goes,
  • 53:14 - 53:16
    "Hey, Russell. One of your friends came by."
  • 53:16 - 53:19
    "He was a black guy?"
    "I don't know."
  • 53:23 - 53:24
    "I didn't notice."
  • 53:26 - 53:28
    "What do you mean, you didn't notice?"
  • 53:29 - 53:31
    "What he look like?"
    "He was tall."
  • 53:32 - 53:33
    "Curly hair."
  • 53:35 - 53:37
    "What was his name?"
    "Uh, LeRoy."
  • 53:38 - 53:41
    "Was he black?"
    "I don't know, uh, I..."
  • 53:41 - 53:43
    "He could've been. I mean, maybe, I don't know."
  • 53:43 - 53:45
    "If you say he's black, maybe he was. I don't know."
  • 53:47 - 53:49
    We've got white people so scared
  • 53:49 - 53:51
    to describe things with color,
  • 53:51 - 53:52
    we've got them so convinced that they're racist.
  • 53:52 - 53:54
    It's awful, because you know, the thing is,
  • 53:54 - 53:57
    white people will never be as racist as we are.
  • 53:58 - 53:59
    Not in your life.
  • 54:00 - 54:02
    White folks can never be that racist.
  • 54:03 - 54:06
    Indian people, Asian people, we're all very racist.
  • 54:07 - 54:08
    Every group is racist.
  • 54:09 - 54:11
    White folks will see a group of Indian people.
  • 54:11 - 54:12
    They're like, "Oh, look at all those brown people."
  • 54:12 - 54:13
    "They're probably all very happy together."
  • 54:14 - 54:16
    Then you get in that group. We're like, "Hey, you're from India?"
  • 54:16 - 54:17
    "I'm from India. What part?"
  • 54:17 - 54:19
    "Oh, not that part. Go to hell, you bloody bastard!"
  • 54:19 - 54:20
    "I don't want to know you."
  • 54:24 - 54:25
    Every group does it.
  • 54:26 - 54:27
    Asians will do it. Look.
  • 54:27 - 54:28
    "Oh, I'm Chinese."
    "You're Chinese? Where are you from?"
  • 54:28 - 54:30
    "I'm from Kung Chao."
    "I'm from Ow Bay."
  • 54:30 - 54:32
    "Oh, you go. So stupid. I'll go."
  • 54:32 - 54:34
    "Oh, that's so bad. I don't like. Don't talk to me, asshole!"
  • 54:39 - 54:42
    Every culture does it. It's so bizarre, man.
  • 54:42 - 54:44
    White folks don't have that problem.
  • 54:44 - 54:45
    White guy'll see another white guy,
  • 54:45 - 54:47
    "Hey, where are you from?"
    "I'm from Tennessee. Where you from?"
  • 54:47 - 54:48
    "I'm from New York."
    "Well, let's have a drink."
  • 54:48 - 54:49
    "Alright, let's go. Ha ha!"
  • 54:49 - 54:50
    That's it. They don't care. They just...
  • 54:50 - 54:52
    "Hey, look. Another white guy."
  • 54:53 - 54:55
    White people, it's OK to be proud of yourselves, you know.
  • 54:55 - 54:57
    It's OK to feel proud. It's not a bad thing.
  • 54:57 - 54:59
    I mean, sometimes you get carried away
  • 54:59 - 55:01
    and then you light crosses and put on pointy white hats, but...
  • 55:03 - 55:05
    That's-- You know, you should draw the line somewhere before that.
  • 55:05 - 55:06
    You know what I mean? You should--
  • 55:11 - 55:13
    But, white people, you really have, you know,
  • 55:13 - 55:16
    changed things for yourselves in the past 30 years, you know what I mean?
  • 55:16 - 55:19
    You've very graciously let immigrants into your country.
  • 55:19 - 55:21
    I mean, you know, the country you took.
  • 55:21 - 55:22
    You know, but whatever. You know what I mean?
  • 55:22 - 55:25
    Sure, sure, you have a bad history, you know what I mean?
  • 55:25 - 55:26
    Sure, you stole some land, you know what I mean?
  • 55:26 - 55:28
    Big deal. You tried to wipe out a whole race of people.
  • 55:28 - 55:29
    No problem.
  • 55:29 - 55:30
    Alright. You know what I mean?
  • 55:30 - 55:33
    You brought people in from Africa and fucked them over.
  • 55:33 - 55:34
    Good deal, you know what I mean? But, you know,
  • 55:34 - 55:36
    let's forget about all that.
  • 55:38 - 55:40
    We're in the 21st century now.
  • 55:40 - 55:42
    It's time to move on.
  • 55:43 - 55:45
    I'm glad that you stole this land.
  • 55:45 - 55:46
    You know why?
  • 55:46 - 55:48
    'Cause Christopher Columbus was looking for my land.
  • 55:57 - 55:59
    You know, Christopher Columbus, your Great Discoverer?
  • 56:00 - 56:03
    He was looking for India when he found North America.
  • 56:03 - 56:04
    That jackass was lost.
  • 56:06 - 56:08
    He wasn't even in the right part of the world.
  • 56:09 - 56:11
    And he knew this wasn't India.
  • 56:11 - 56:13
    Why do you think the native people here were called Indians?
  • 56:13 - 56:15
    'Cause he didn't want to look stupid in front of his whole crew.
  • 56:15 - 56:18
    He's like, "Fellas, that must be India."
  • 56:20 - 56:22
    "And those must be Indians."
  • 56:23 - 56:24
    Meanwhile we're standing on the shores of India going,
  • 56:24 - 56:26
    "Where the hell is Chris?"
  • 56:28 - 56:30
    "The son of a bitch is late."
  • 56:40 - 56:41
    But you really have.
  • 56:41 - 56:43
    You know, white folks have been very gracious,
  • 56:43 - 56:46
    and they've opened up their borders and let the immigrants in,
  • 56:46 - 56:47
    and they didn't ask questions.
  • 56:47 - 56:48
    They're like, "Alright, come on in, immigrants."
  • 56:48 - 56:52
    "Become an American with us and settle down and be an American."
  • 56:52 - 56:54
    "It's all good. Don't worry about it."
  • 56:54 - 56:56
    We all came in, and white people were very friendly.
  • 56:56 - 56:59
    "Nice. come on in. Thanks-- thanks for coming."
  • 57:00 - 57:01
    "Sure, sit down. Have a seat."
    You know.
  • 57:02 - 57:03
    Be an American with us. It's all good.
  • 57:04 - 57:05
    And you did it very graciously.
  • 57:05 - 57:07
    You never asked questions, and they never said,
  • 57:07 - 57:09
    "What do you want here? Here, you get out."
  • 57:09 - 57:09
    They never did that. They were just like,
  • 57:09 - 57:11
    "Come on in, come on. Sit down."
  • 57:11 - 57:12
    "Be one of us."
  • 57:12 - 57:14
    And they did it very nicely, you know what I mean?
  • 57:14 - 57:16
    And you look at the immigrants, and you say, "Look at all those immigrants,"
  • 57:16 - 57:17
    "so happy to be here."
  • 57:19 - 57:20
    And you think that the immigrants, 'cause they all smile and say,
  • 57:20 - 57:22
    "Hello, Mr. American, how are you?"
  • 57:23 - 57:24
    "Good day, sir."
  • 57:25 - 57:28
    And then you don't realize that every immigrant that's ever come to this country,
  • 57:28 - 57:30
    comes to America and talks shit about you.
  • 57:30 - 57:33
    Every immigrant, doesn't matter where they come from.
  • 57:33 - 57:36
    They can come from Europe, they can come from Asia, they come from Africa,
  • 57:36 - 57:37
    doesn't matter. The immigrants come here
  • 57:37 - 57:39
    and they talk shit behind the Americans' backs.
  • 57:39 - 57:42
    And I don't like it 'cause I was born in North America,
  • 57:42 - 57:43
    so it pisses me off.
  • 57:43 - 57:46
    but I'm telling you, they all do, and they all say the same thing.
  • 57:46 - 57:47
    It's very irritating.
  • 57:47 - 57:49
    You came from England, you probably said it too.
  • 57:49 - 57:51
    And you're white, lady. See, even white people do it.
  • 57:51 - 57:51
    See what I mean?
  • 57:53 - 57:55
    But every immigrant comes here, you know what the first thing they do is say,
  • 57:55 - 57:57
    "Oh, Americans have no culture."
  • 57:58 - 57:59
    That's what they say. That's the first thing--
  • 57:59 - 58:01
    My dad used to say it. "Oh, these bloody Americans have no culture."
  • 58:02 - 58:04
    I go, "Dad, they have culture. They have their own thing going on,"
  • 58:04 - 58:07
    "which makes it theirs, which makes it part of their culture,"
  • 58:07 - 58:09
    "which means, they have culture."
  • 58:09 - 58:11
    "No. Show me. What is their culture? What is it? Show me."
  • 58:11 - 58:13
    "What? What? Whaaat?"
  • 58:14 - 58:15
    "Whaaaat?"
  • 58:18 - 58:20
    "What's their culture? Hamburgers and hoddogs are not a culture."
  • 58:21 - 58:22
    I'm like, "First of all, hamburgers and what?"
  • 58:22 - 58:23
    "Hoddogs."
  • 58:28 - 58:29
    "What the hell is 'hoddogs'?"
  • 58:31 - 58:32
    "Hoddogs, you know, hoddogs?"
  • 58:34 - 58:35
    "You mean, hot dogs?"
  • 58:35 - 58:37
    "Don't try to give it a fancy name, now, OK?"
  • 58:39 - 58:40
    But, white people, it's not fair.
  • 58:40 - 58:43
    White Americans, it's not fair that immigrants come here
  • 58:43 - 58:44
    and tell you that you have no culture
  • 58:44 - 58:45
    because you do have things that are your culture.
  • 58:45 - 58:47
    Black American culture is very distinct.
  • 58:47 - 58:49
    You can look at it and go, "That's black American culture."
  • 58:49 - 58:50
    They don't need to prove anything.
  • 58:50 - 58:52
    But the white folks always have something to prove,
  • 58:52 - 58:53
    and I'm here to tell you you do have a culture.
  • 58:53 - 58:55
    And it always boils down to music, you know what I mean?
  • 58:55 - 58:58
    When it comes down to music, white folks, you have your own thing going on.
  • 58:58 - 59:00
    And it's not like we didn't enjoy your culture too.
  • 59:00 - 59:02
    We enjoyed it, but you enjoyed it more than we did
  • 59:02 - 59:04
    which made it your culture, which made it you.
  • 59:05 - 59:07
    You know what I mean? White folks love certain songs
  • 59:07 - 59:10
    that we all enjoyed, but white people took it to another level..
  • 59:11 - 59:15
    White folks tend to like the songs that are like audience participation, you know?
  • 59:16 - 59:17
    You know, then they don't have to do a lot.
  • 59:17 - 59:18
    "I just go to follow what that guy's doing?"
  • 59:18 - 59:19
    "That's perfect. We'll do that."
  • 59:21 - 59:24
    'Cause the jokes are already out there, you know. "White people can't dance."
  • 59:24 - 59:26
    That's not true. It's not fair. White people can dance.
  • 59:26 - 59:29
    You just choose to do too many dances at the same time.
  • 59:29 - 59:31
    That's where the problems kick in, you know what I mean?
  • 59:32 - 59:33
    You can't salsa and do the running man.
  • 59:33 - 59:35
    It just doesn't look right, alright?
  • 59:42 - 59:44
    But white folks generally love the audience participation songs.
  • 59:44 - 59:45
    You know what I mean?
  • 59:45 - 59:46
    And we enjoyed 'em too.
  • 59:46 - 59:47
    Uh, the Macarena.
  • 59:48 - 59:50
    I mean, it started off as a Latino thing,
  • 59:50 - 59:53
    but then white people got ahold of it, and really ran with it,
  • 59:53 - 59:53
    you know what I mean?
  • 59:54 - 59:55
    They took it and made it theirs, you know what I mean?
  • 59:55 - 59:57
    We all did the Macarena,
  • 59:57 - 59:59
    but white people took it to another level. Left foot, right foot.
  • 60:01 - 60:03
    We went, "That's a white people's dance."
  • 60:04 - 60:05
    "Good on you, whities."
  • 60:06 - 60:07
    "Enjoy yourselves."
  • 60:07 - 60:09
    'Cause I like to watch them enjoy themselves like that.
  • 60:09 - 60:11
    When they hear their music that they like,
  • 60:11 - 60:13
    they get this joyous look in their eyes.
  • 60:13 - 60:14
    And I love to see people enjoy themselves like that.
  • 60:15 - 60:16
    There are certain songs. The Macarena.
  • 60:16 - 60:18
    The chicken dance. That's the white people's song, man.
  • 60:19 - 60:19
    You know the chicken dance.
  • 60:19 - 60:23
    [HUMMING THE CHICKEN DANCE]
  • 60:24 - 60:25
    You losers!
  • 60:33 - 60:34
    Arriba!
  • 60:35 - 60:38
    No, we're gonna stick with the chicken dance for now.
  • 60:38 - 60:40
    I like the chicken dance. That's a white people's--
  • 60:40 - 60:42
    [HUMMING THE CHICKEN DANCE]
  • 60:43 - 60:46
    You ever go to a white wedding and they play the chicken dance?
  • 60:46 - 60:47
    The minute they play the chicken dance,
  • 60:47 - 60:48
    that's how you know the dance floor's open.
  • 60:49 - 60:50
    'Cause white people lose their mind.
  • 60:50 - 60:52
    The bridesmaids, "Oh, my God, the chicken dance!"
  • 61:00 - 61:02
    And the song's tricky 'cause it gets faster.
  • 61:04 - 61:06
    You never know what's gonna happen next, you know?
  • 61:09 - 61:11
    And then there's like the song that I believe is like the white--
  • 61:11 - 61:13
    the white people's national anthem, you know?
  • 61:15 - 61:18
    I was walking down Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles,
  • 61:18 - 61:20
    and there was this nightclub playing this song.
  • 61:21 - 61:23
    And they were playing it really loud. You could hear it on the street.
  • 61:23 - 61:25
    And white people were walking by and driving by,
  • 61:25 - 61:28
    and they stopped dead in their tracks
  • 61:28 - 61:29
    to do the YMCA.
  • 61:34 - 61:37
    White people lose their mind when they hear the YMCA.
  • 61:37 - 61:40
    Stopped their cars in the middle of Sunset Boulevard,
  • 61:40 - 61:43
    got out of their car, and didn't do it like, you know, half-assed. They were like,
  • 61:44 - 61:45
    They do like this.
  • 61:48 - 61:50
    I was like, "Wow, this guy's into it."
  • 61:50 - 61:52
    People were honking their horns. "Move it!"
  • 61:52 - 61:55
    "Go around, asshole! I'm doing the YMCA over here!"
  • 61:55 - 61:56
    He was like,
  • 61:58 - 61:59
    And everybody was doing it.
  • 61:59 - 62:01
    And I saw how much joy was in their eyes.
  • 62:01 - 62:04
    And I felt so good for the white people at that time, you know?
  • 62:04 - 62:06
    I saw how much they were enjoying themselves, and I went,
  • 62:06 - 62:08
    "Yes, white people. Have fun."
  • 62:09 - 62:12
    And I felt good for you, you know what I mean?
  • 62:12 - 62:13
    And then I started to feel bad.
  • 62:14 - 62:15
    Not for you,
  • 62:16 - 62:18
    but for me and my people,
  • 62:18 - 62:20
    and other Asian groups.
  • 62:20 - 62:22
    Because our alphabet
  • 62:25 - 62:28
    is not set up for songs like that.
  • 62:31 - 62:35
    There's never gonna be a Chinese version of the YMCA, you know?
  • 62:35 - 62:37
    [IMITATING CHINESE]
    "This fun to stay on top!"
  • 62:43 - 62:46
    Hey, thank you very much, San Francisco. Good night.
  • 62:59 - 63:01
    Russell Peters, ladies and gentlemen!
  • 63:03 - 63:05
    Russell Peters!
  • 63:13 - 63:16
    I think they want some more. Do you want more?
  • 63:18 - 63:19
    He can't hear ya!
  • 63:23 - 63:26
    Here he is, guys! Russell Peters!
  • 63:40 - 63:41
    Alright!
  • 63:47 - 63:50
    Now, since this is gonna be for DVD release,
  • 63:51 - 63:52
    and for Comedy Central.
  • 63:52 - 63:54
    I know this part will be on Comedy Central, but
  • 63:55 - 63:57
    this part will definitely be on the DVD.
  • 63:57 - 63:59
    And this is part of the last time I'm gonna do this joke,
  • 63:59 - 64:00
    'cause I'm retiring it after this.
  • 64:00 - 64:01
    And uh...
  • 64:02 - 64:05
    No, no, no! You can have it on DVD, you cheap bastards!
  • 64:06 - 64:08
    Now, listen, when this DVD comes out,
  • 64:08 - 64:09
    I don't want you motherfuckers to go
  • 64:09 - 64:13
    and upload it and then start download this shit for free, alright?
  • 64:14 - 64:18
    I know how you are. Please, go and buy this.
  • 64:18 - 64:20
    This comes out, buy this one.
  • 64:22 - 64:24
    Gotta be a way to make it un-uploadable.
  • 64:25 - 64:28
    One of you bastards work in IT. I know you do.
  • 64:30 - 64:32
    See that? "I do! I do!"
  • 64:33 - 64:34
    "That's me!"
  • 64:38 - 64:39
    That's right.
  • 64:40 - 64:41
    Now,
  • 64:44 - 64:45
    I'm gona do this right now for ya.
  • 64:47 - 64:48
    Now, white folks.
  • 64:48 - 64:51
    I hope you enjoy this show tonight so far.
  • 64:52 - 64:55
    Now I've talked about white people already, and I'm...
  • 64:55 - 64:57
    but I've gotta talk to you a little bit more. 'Cause um...
  • 64:59 - 65:01
    Because I've gotta talk to you about your parenting skills.
  • 65:09 - 65:11
    Every time I see it on the news, I got really irritated.
  • 65:11 - 65:12
    When I hear them, "You shouldn't beat your children."
  • 65:13 - 65:15
    "Don't beat your kids. Talk to them."
  • 65:16 - 65:17
    "Give them a time out."
  • 65:19 - 65:21
    Beat the motherfuckers! That's what I'm trying to tell you.
  • 65:24 - 65:26
    White folks, please beat your children.
  • 65:26 - 65:29
    'Cause non-white parents will beat their kids.
  • 65:29 - 65:31
    Your dad's a Puerto Rican, your mom's black,
  • 65:31 - 65:33
    they must've whupped your ass for no reason sometimes, huh?
  • 65:35 - 65:36
    "Hey, son, come here."
  • 65:38 - 65:39
    "What's that for?"
  • 65:39 - 65:41
    "I know you did some shit when I wasn't here."
  • 65:42 - 65:44
    Mexican parents will do, "Mira!"
  • 65:51 - 65:52
    They'll beat you, man.
  • 65:52 - 65:54
    Indian parents aren't afraid to kill their kids if they have to,
  • 65:54 - 65:55
    you know what I mean?
  • 65:55 - 65:58
    We're the second largest population in the world.
  • 65:58 - 66:00
    Reproduction is not a big deal.
  • 66:01 - 66:02
    My dad's theory was,
  • 66:02 - 66:04
    "If I get rid of one, I'll just make another one."
  • 66:05 - 66:08
    "Then I'll tell the new one what an idiot the last one was."
  • 66:12 - 66:14
    You've gotta beat your kids, folks. Please.
  • 66:14 - 66:16
    I know a lot of white people don't beat them,
  • 66:16 - 66:18
    but I don't understand why you won't beat your kids.
  • 66:18 - 66:20
    Please beat them. If you have kids,
  • 66:20 - 66:23
    and you haven't beaten them, when you go home tonight,
  • 66:25 - 66:27
    shit, when you turn off this DVD,
  • 66:27 - 66:30
    I want you to go into your kid's room and
  • 66:30 - 66:31
    "Hey, hey, buddy. How you doing?"
  • 66:32 - 66:33
    "Hey. Sleeping?"
  • 66:34 - 66:34
    "Yeah?"
  • 66:35 - 66:37
    "That's good. Have it here?"
  • 66:37 - 66:38
    "Uh huh, yeah?"
  • 66:38 - 66:40
    Whack! Just one below.
  • 66:40 - 66:41
    Whack, you know.
  • 66:43 - 66:44
    He's already lying down, he'll sleep it off.
  • 66:44 - 66:45
    Don't worry about it, alright?
  • 66:47 - 66:49
    You gotta beat 'em, and I'll tell you why.
  • 66:50 - 66:53
    Because white kids are now going to school with
  • 66:53 - 66:57
    with black kids, and brown kids,
  • 66:57 - 66:58
    and Asian kids,
  • 66:58 - 67:01
    and they're going to school with multi-cultural kids.
  • 67:02 - 67:03
    And all those kids get beaten.
  • 67:05 - 67:07
    And they'll all be hanging on the playground,
  • 67:07 - 67:09
    having fun with each other, you know what I mean? They'll be--
  • 67:09 - 67:12
    they'll be talking about the ass-whupping they got last night.
  • 67:13 - 67:16
    Black kid, "My dad beat my ass."
    Indian kid, "My dad beat my ass, too."
  • 67:16 - 67:18
    Asians, "I got my ass whupped."
  • 67:21 - 67:23
    Do you want that white kid to feel left out?
  • 67:24 - 67:26
    Beat him, so he's not a social outcast.
  • 67:26 - 67:28
    "I got sent to my room."
  • 67:29 - 67:30
    "You got a room?"
  • 67:37 - 67:38
    Beat them!
  • 67:38 - 67:40
    Please. And I'll tell you why you need to beat them. Why else?
  • 67:41 - 67:43
    Because when--
  • 67:44 - 67:46
    when white kids hang around non-white kids,
  • 67:46 - 67:48
    we tend to look at them for advice.
  • 67:50 - 67:53
    And it could get us murdered if we listen to their fucked up advice
  • 67:54 - 67:56
    on how to deal with our parents.
  • 67:56 - 67:58
    I remember when I was 10 years old,
  • 67:58 - 67:59
    I hang around this white kid, Ryan.
  • 68:02 - 68:03
    Ryan's parents never beat him,
  • 68:03 - 68:05
    and they never even yell at him.
  • 68:05 - 68:07
    He could do anything he wanted,
  • 68:07 - 68:08
    and nothing was gonna happen to him.
  • 68:09 - 68:10
    But he was an angry kid.
  • 68:10 - 68:12
    I walked into his house after school one day, his mom goes,
  • 68:12 - 68:14
    "Ryan, go clean your room."
  • 68:15 - 68:16
    "Fuck you, bitch!"
  • 68:24 - 68:27
    His mom goes, "What am I gonna do with him?"
  • 68:29 - 68:31
    Well, beat his ass!
  • 68:34 - 68:36
    I go, "Ryan, you can't talk to your mom like that."
  • 68:36 - 68:38
    "Yes I can, she's a fucking idiot!"
  • 68:39 - 68:41
    "Don't say that, man. She'll hit you."
  • 68:41 - 68:43
    "No she won't. She's not allowed to."
  • 68:47 - 68:48
    "What are you talking about, dude?"
  • 68:49 - 68:50
    "My parents hit me."
  • 68:50 - 68:53
    "Yeah, well, next time they try it, you tell them to fuck off."
  • 69:03 - 69:04
    "Are you sure?"
  • 69:06 - 69:08
    "Trust me. It works for me."
  • 69:09 - 69:10
    So I went home
  • 69:12 - 69:13
    for the last time.
  • 69:16 - 69:17
    I walked in the house,
  • 69:17 - 69:19
    my dad goes, "Russell, come and do the dishes."
  • 69:19 - 69:21
    "Fuck you, dad!"
  • 69:35 - 69:36
    "What the hell did you just said to me?"
  • 69:37 - 69:39
    "Do I look like Ryan's mom?"
  • 69:41 - 69:44
    "Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad."
  • 69:53 - 69:55
    That was my dad's threat.
  • 69:55 - 69:57
    Right before he beat me. Every single time.
  • 69:57 - 69:58
    "Russell,"
  • 69:59 - 70:01
    "somebody gonna get a hurt real bad."
  • 70:02 - 70:04
    I hated that threat. You know why?
  • 70:04 - 70:06
    'Cause he always say 'somebody.'
  • 70:07 - 70:09
    He'd never tell you it's you.
  • 70:10 - 70:12
    I mean, you knew it was you.
  • 70:12 - 70:13
    But he gives you this hope.
  • 70:16 - 70:17
    "Russell!"
  • 70:18 - 70:21
    "Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad."
  • 70:22 - 70:23
    "Somebody."
  • 70:25 - 70:26
    "I'm not gonna say who."
  • 70:28 - 70:30
    "Oh, I think you might know him very well."
  • 70:32 - 70:34
    I'm at the back praying, "I hope it's my brother, man. Please."
  • 70:35 - 70:37
    "Beat Julio's ass."
  • 70:40 - 70:42
    I saw that little brat, Ryan, at school a few days later,
  • 70:42 - 70:45
    I was like, "Yo! Your little plan almost got me killed!"
  • 70:45 - 70:48
    He goes, "Oh, sorry, dude. I forgot to tell you the other part."
  • 70:48 - 70:52
    "If he's still gonna hit you, threaten to phone Child Services."
  • 70:54 - 70:55
    "Why?"
  • 70:55 - 70:59
    "'Cause if you phone Child Services, they'll come and take your dad away,"
  • 70:59 - 71:01
    "and he'll get in trouble. You won't even have to call,"
  • 71:01 - 71:03
    "just pretend. It'll scare the shit out of him."
  • 71:05 - 71:06
    You're 10 years old,
  • 71:06 - 71:08
    you figured out how to scare the shit out of your dad,
  • 71:08 - 71:10
    that's like finding kryptonite.
  • 71:12 - 71:13
    I thought I'd try it.
  • 71:13 - 71:15
    I was about to get my next beating, I stop my dad and go,
  • 71:15 - 71:17
    "Don't do it!"
  • 71:19 - 71:21
    "I'll phone Child Services."
  • 71:25 - 71:27
    You ever had your parents called your bluff?
  • 71:27 - 71:28
    "You'll do what?"
  • 71:32 - 71:34
    "I'll phone Child Services."
  • 71:35 - 71:36
    "Is that right?"
  • 71:38 - 71:42
    [SHIVERING SOUND]
  • 71:44 - 71:46
    "Well, let me get you the phone, tough guy."
  • 71:48 - 71:49
    "What are you doing?"
  • 71:50 - 71:53
    "If I phone Child Services, you'll get in trouble."
  • 71:53 - 71:55
    "I might get into a little bit of trouble."
  • 71:56 - 72:00
    "But I know that it's going to take them 22 minutes to get here."
  • 72:01 - 72:03
    "In that time,"
  • 72:03 - 72:06
    "somebody gonna get a hurt real bad."
  • 72:06 - 72:08
    Thank you very much! Good night.
  • 72:09 - 72:18
    [HOUSE MUSIC CONTINUES]
Title:
Russell Peters Outsourced 2006 - Russell Peters Full Show
Video Language:
English

English subtitles

Incomplete

Revisions