-
Ladies and gentlemen,
-
ladies and gentlemen,
-
please, if you say that,
-
gentlemen. My man,
-
[MIXED]
Russell Peters!
-
Yeah, brothers know his name.
-
Here he is, guys! Russell Peters!
-
[HOUSE MUSIC CONTINUES]
-
All right.
-
How you doing? All right.
-
All right, look at you, you filthy downloaders.
-
Look at this audience, man.
-
Everybody. This is cool, man.
-
Everybody.
-
We got-- clearly we got some Asians in the house. That's uh...
-
I saw all the Honda Civics in the parking lot.
-
I knew you were here.
-
I thought they were shooting Fast and The Furious Part 3 or something.
-
Oh, man, and then the brown bastards. Look at you, huh?
-
All right.
-
There's a lot of closed motels in town right now, I tell you that. There's uh...
-
White people, how you doing? White folks, good to see you.
-
All right, a white guy with a brown girl.
-
Good job, buddy, huh?
-
Her parents must be so happy.
-
Ha ha.
-
There's a brown man with a white woman.
-
Nice, see? Balance.
-
That's what I'm talking about. He's living the American dream.
-
Or at least the Indian dream.
-
[INDIAN ACCENT]
"If I go to America and I get white woman,"
-
"I'm ahead of the game."
-
Latinos in the house? Where the Latinos at?
-
All right, all six of you.
-
Good. All right.
-
I don't know how the hell we're in California, only six Latinos showed up.
-
And black people?
-
You clap again. Look at that, hey.
-
You got both. You're black and Latino.
-
Your credit must suck.
-
You're... I just can't...
-
Oh, man.
-
It's funny, when I say 'Asian,'
-
especially in America, when I say 'Asian,'
-
people automatically picture in their head,
-
[IMITATES CHINESE MUSIC]
-
Which is messed up because India is part of Asia,
-
and we don't get the same credit.
-
When I say 'Asian,' people don't go...
-
[IMITATES INDIAN MUSIC]
-
We're Asian too, man.
-
When God was making Asians, he made two types of Asians.
-
And you guys got first choice on looks.
-
And you fucked us on the deal.
-
"Yeah, well, we'll take eyes."
-
"You guys can have noses and hair."
-
My people are greedy,
-
"We heard two! We got two! That's a good deal, two!"
-
"Noses and hair!"
-
We didn't know it was gonna be big noses and body hair.
-
That's a shit deal!
-
We're a hairy race of people, man.
-
It's hot as hell in India, and we're hairy.
-
Who the hell came up with that deal?
-
I think the God that was making Indian people
-
was having some sort of practical joke with all the other Gods.
-
He was like, "Hey, guys, come here and watch this. Watch this."
-
"Buddha, put down the drink. Come here. Come here."
-
"OK, look."
-
"I'm going to take these people here."
-
"And put them in the hottest place in the world."
-
"And just for fun,"
-
"I'll cover them with hair."
-
It's hot and we're hairy.
-
Men and women.
-
Indian girls getting mad, pulling down their sleeves,
-
"I hate this son of a bitch!"
-
It's OK nowadays that chicks have hair,
-
Nowadays chicks can take care of it, you know what I mean?
-
Chicks have hair they don't want nowadays, they can get rid of it.
-
All kinds of hair removing methods as,
-
There's waxing, there's electrolysis, there's threading, there's...
-
laser hair removal.
-
They have hair they don't want now,
[IMITATES ELECTROLYSIS]
-
It's gone!
-
They're removing it from their assholes now.
-
How hairy were your assholes before this?
-
You know they used to do in the eighties,
-
when chicks have hair they didn't want?
-
They used to bleach it.
-
I'm like, "Sweetheart, we don't have a problem with the color of your mustache."
-
"It's not like the blond goatie looks better."
-
And the Asians are not hairy at all.
-
Full head of hair on their head, and nothing on their body.
-
Very rarely do you see a bald Asian.
-
Well, unless they shave it off, you know what I mean? But...
-
Oh, man.
-
And when I say 'Asian,' you know what's funny? When I say 'Asian,'
-
people automatically think Chinese.
-
People go, "Chinese, yes, Asians, Chinese."
-
"That's all they are. All the Asians are Chinese."
-
Look at them, yelling out their last name.
-
So proud, that's cool. But, uh...
-
But it's funny.
-
People do think all Asians are Chinese.
-
That's what they think. "All Asians are Chinese."
-
"They all speak Chinese, they look Chinese. That's what they are, and that's what they do."
-
That's not the case.
-
There's so many different types of Asians.
-
You know what I mean?
-
Sure, you may not be able to tell right away,
-
by looking at Asian people,
-
You could take an educated guess.
-
Sometimes certain things stand out,
-
and you go, "Oh, I know what kind of Asian you are."
-
But if you really want to learn the differences between different Asian groups,
-
you can tell by when they speak English. That's how you can tell.
-
Now, just to get a feel for the Asians that are in the room tonight,
-
Um, do we have any Vietnamese people here tonight?
-
Vietnamese people?
-
All right, like one guy hiding upstairs too.
-
[IMITATES VIETNAMESE]
Tou mah!
-
Any Koreans in the house? Koreans in the house?
-
All right, that's two closed dry cleaners.
-
Nice. That's uh...
-
Filipinos?
-
Oh, yeah, I see you right there.
-
I knew you guys were Filipino right away
-
'cause you keep staring at the microphone,
-
like there's gonna be karaoke after the show.
-
I can see it too.
-
"I hope this Bombay hurries up with the show please, 'cause, uh..."
-
"I want to get up there and sing."
-
[IMITATES TAGALOG]
"Utahkeenah, hurry!"
-
And Chinese people, where you at? Chinese folks?
-
Nice. That's good, man.
-
You can tell by when Asian groups are speaking English.
-
That's how you can tell where they're from.
-
I'll give you an example.
-
Vietnamese people,
-
you can tell when they're speaking English,
-
you can tell they're Vietnamese 'cause when they speak English,
-
they speak it really fast.
-
Like they know it.
-
But they end up speaking English so fast,
-
that it ends up sounding like Vietnamese all over again.
-
I got cussed out by this Vietnamese guy,
-
this what he says to me, he goes,
-
[IMITATES VIETNAMESE ACCENT]
"Fuck you, OK, you fucking blow job!"
-
He called me a fucking blow job.
-
Have you ever been called a blow job before?
-
Do you realize if somebody calls you a blow job,
-
there is not one good comeback...
-
There's nothing you can say that will sound cool.
-
"You fucking blow job!"
-
"Yeah?"
-
"So are you."
-
That's why I like different cultures, you know.
-
Different cultures,
-
different words mean different things to them in English, and,
-
and in their language are, you know what I mean?
-
Like, I'm from Toronto.
-
In Toronto, there's a Vietnamese restaurant,
-
called Pho Phuc Lai.
-
P, H, O, P, H, U, C,
-
L, A, I.
-
Pho Phuc Lai.
-
I used to call them when I was a kid,
-
just to have the guy answer the phone, you know.
-
"Pho Phuc Lai."
-
"Ha ha ha!"
-
Pho Phuc Lai.
-
Doesn't it sound like a whole new level of lying?
-
"Hey, don't lie! That's a pho phuc lai!"
-
"You fucking blow job!"
-
You can tell when Koreans are speaking English,
-
'cause when Korean people speak English,
-
they sound like they're out of breath.
-
Like they just ran a marathon.
-
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
-
"You don't..."
-
"...make any jokes..."
-
"...about..."
-
"...the Koreans."
-
[IMITATES ASTHMA INHALER]
-
I know how to count to six in Korean.
-
Not impressive, but it beats, you know,
-
learning how to swear in somebody's language, you know what I mean?
-
When we get mad, the first thing you do when you learn somebody's language,
-
we learn how to curse, right?
-
When we get mad at people when they come here,
-
and the first thing they learn is how to swear at you.
-
I mean, we're like, "Oh, that's so ignorant."
-
Did you hear me walk into a store, going, "Hello, motherfucker."
-
That's what he learned, you know what I mean?
-
I learned how to count to six, it's not impressive, but...
-
I learned... and I'm not being a dick,
-
I really did learn how to count to six from my dry cleaner.
-
I did. I will drop my shirts off,
-
and then she'll count them, and I'll count along with her.
-
So I learned, right? I did it.
-
So, here I count to six. Ready?
-
"Uhrana."
-
"Shura."
-
"Sureeah."
-
"Uurah."
-
"Haibah."
-
"Shexah!"
-
Shexah?
-
"Are you Jewish?"
-
You can tell when Chinese people are speaking English.
-
When Chinese people speak English,
-
it sounds like they're chopping vegetables with the words.
-
You know what I mean?
-
[IMITATES CHINESE ACCENT]
"You don't go nowhere quick!"
-
"Don't say nothing bad!"
-
"Don't say nothing what?"
-
"Bad."
-
How did you just make a short word even shorter?
-
I learned about the cultures 'cause I travel around, you know what I mean?
-
I did shows in Vietnam a few years ago.
-
I had a good time in Vietnam. Vietnam is a great place.
-
Hot as shit! Hot as hell in Vietnam.
-
Like, when an Indian guy tells you it's hot,
-
trust me, it was hot!
-
Good place. Nice people.
-
I didn't know until I went to Vietnam,
-
that you can actually use a scooter,
-
as a minivan.
-
I didn't know.
-
You will see an entire family on a scooter.
-
Like, dad will sit here, right,
-
on the little piece of seat.
-
And a small child will sit there.
-
And then another small child will stand in front.
-
And then mom will sit off to the side at the back like that.
-
And then another kid will sit off to the side this way.
-
And one more kid will face that way.
-
And there'll be three kids doing back flips
-
while he's driving on the street.
-
When you saw that here,
-
that'll be stuffs you see like, at the circus,
-
like, "Do not attempt to do this at home,"
-
"these are professional stunt drivers."
-
And there will be six white guys and they'll be driving real careful.
-
In Vietnam, it's the entire family.
-
Dad's weaving in and out of traffic.
[IMITATES HONKING SOUND]
-
Mom's on the back, eating.
[IMITATES HONKING SOUND]
-
Good place, Vietnam. I did...
-
And if there's any other reason to go to Vietnam,
-
I'll tell you what it is. For their money.
-
The money in Vietnam is dope. Do you know what it's called?
-
Dong.
-
That's... That's the name of their money.
-
Dong.
-
It's worth going there
-
just to have a woman you don't know walks up and go,
-
"Excuse me, sir."
-
"Could you give me some dong?"
-
"Yes, I can."
-
"Would you like some schlong with that dong? Would you..."
-
I love that term 'schlong.'
-
Doesn't it sound gross?
-
White guys came up with that term for sure, right?
-
"Hey, dude, there I was,"
-
"as I whipped up my schlong."
-
'Schlong.'
-
Sounds wet.
-
I don't even have schlong.
-
You know, I got a slurt.
-
I got uh...
-
Hey, dude, the show's up here, okay?
-
"I'm not a piece of meat."
-
Went to China last year, mainland.
-
Chinese people, where are you? Right there?
-
You're over there?
-
You're over here too. Look at that.
-
- You Chinese too, bro?
- Yeah.
-
Yeah? You looked upset about that.
-
"You Chinese too?" He was like, "Yeah..."
-
"I try to do this a lot, but it doesn't work."
-
"Now I'm a Powrish."
-
What's you name, Chinese guy?
-
I'm Vincent.
-
Vincent, that's what I thought when I looked at you, I was like,
-
That guy there is Vincent.
-
Do you have a Chinese name as well, Vincent?
-
Yeah.
-
What is it, Vincent?
-
Uh, Liung Ay Hyung.
-
Oh, slow down, hammer. I'm not Chinese, you know what I mean?
-
You ain't got to say it all proper for me.
-
[IMITATES CHINESE ACCENT]
"Tung Lor Deah."
-
"Oh, really?"
You know.
-
Say it again, Vincent. Go ahead, buddy.
-
Liung Ay Hyung.
-
Leong Eey Hung?
-
You just made shit up. I could tell right there.
-
He was like swallowing or something.
-
Ong Ah...
-
Ah.
-
And you're Chinese as well? So what's your name?
-
Catherine.
-
Catherine, yes, absolutely.
-
You know those Chinese couples,
-
Catherine and Vincent?
-
You have a Chinese name too, Catherine?
-
Is yours as confusing as Vincent's?
-
What is it? Go ahead.
-
Giu Lay Mi.
-
Giu Lay Moy.
-
"Do I like your what?"
-
"Giu lie moy."
-
"Tits."
-
Giu Lie Moy.
-
That sounds sexy, man.
-
But that's one of those names you brag about to your friend,
-
you know what I mean?
-
Like if I said, "Yeah, man, I banged this chick named Catherine."
-
My friends will be like, "Oh, who cares?" You know?
-
If I was like "Yo, I banged this chick named Giu Lay Moy."
-
"Did you videotape this shit? Did you..."
-
"Man, it's exotic!"
-
Where are your family-- where are your families from?
-
The bay area.
-
The bay area. That's what I thought when I looked at you.
-
I uh...
-
But, before that?
-
Uh, East Canton.
-
- Hong Kong?
- Yeah.
-
- And you too?
- China.
-
- China. Mainland?
- Yeah.
-
What part?
-
You don't know.
-
You just accepted it at face value?
-
"Mom, dad, where are you from?"
-
"China."
-
"What part?"
-
"Downtown."
-
"Downtown China."
-
"Okay, Catherine? No more question."
-
Can you speak Mandarin or Cantonese or anything?
-
Cantonese?
-
So they're from obviously a Cantonese part of mainland China, see?
-
See how I did it?
-
And obviously you speak Cantonese, right, Vincent?
-
'Cause your parents are from Hong Kong.
-
See, I know the difference.
-
People don't know the difference.
-
People just think, "Oh, Chinese people speak Chinese,"
-
which is pretty ignorant 'cause there's no language called Chinese.
-
It's like when people come up to me and they're like,
-
"Hey, Russell, how do you say 'hi' in Indian?"
-
I'm like, "Well, there's no language called Indian,"
-
"so I don't know if you're asking me."
-
"All right, smart ass."
-
"How do they say 'hello' in India?"
-
Like this.
-
[IMITATES INDIAN ACCENT]
"Hellooo!"
-
Just to clear it up, if you don't know,
-
there's the two main languages in the Chinese culture. They...
-
Cantonese and Mandarin,
-
And then they have a bunch of, like, small village languages
-
that even other Chinese people go,
-
"I don't know what she's saying."
-
And Cantonese they speak in Hong Kong,
-
for the most part, and in
-
and in mainland China, like around Beijing and Shanghai and those areas,
-
they speak Mandarin.
-
And now, if you're thinking,
-
if you're picturing somebody speaking Chinese in your head,
-
and it sounds really funny,
-
you're picturing Cantonese.
-
because Cantonese is the funnier sounding out of the two languages, isn't it?
-
It's the more flamboyant, you know what I mean?
-
It's the one with the extended-sounding words, you know.
-
[IMITATES CANTONESE]
"Tung maaaahh!"
-
Like when I was in Hong Kong I heard people speaking Cantonese,
-
and that was the funniest shit I've heard in my life.
-
'Cause sometimes they speak,
-
and it sounds like they're falling off a cliff, you know?
-
[IMITATES CANTONESE]
"Tung Laaaahhhh!"
-
And if you're not familiar with their languages,
-
we wouldn't even know if somebody wasn't speaking Cantonese properly.
-
I wouldn't even know if the guy was stuttering when he's speaking Cantonese,
-
you know what I mean?
-
He will be stuttering his ass and we wouldn't know.
-
[IMITATES STUTTERING CANTONESE]
-
[IMITATES STUTTERING CANTONESE]
-
[IMITATES STUTTERING CANTONESE]
-
[IMITATES STUTTERING CANTONESE]
-
You just walk away from that guy,
-
"He's speaking his ass off over there. He's..."
-
But Cantonese is the more fun sounding language,
-
you know what I mean?
-
I remember when I was in Hong Kong, I woke up in the morning in the hotel,
-
I was yawning and I'm walking to the lobby,
-
apparently I say some shit in Chinese.
-
I have no clue.
-
I'm walking through and all I was like,
-
"Oohh, aahh!"
-
And the hotel manager ran out,
-
"Hey, asshole! You don't swear in the hotel, okay?"
-
"You watch your mouth!"
-
"Be a man!"
-
But it's a very fun sounding language, you know what I mean?
-
Now, Mandarin, which they speak in Beijing,
-
and I had the chance to go to mainland China last year.
-
I learned the difference between the Cantonese and Mandarin,
-
and I'll help you with it right now.
-
Mandarin, you'll know right away,
-
now that you know what Cantonese sounds like.
-
You'll know right away if somebody was speaking Mandarin,
-
'cause it's way different.
-
It sounds way more chilled out, you know what I mean?
-
It's a little bit more relaxed.
-
It sounds a little bit more aggressive,
-
'cause it sounds like they're grinding their teeth when they're speaking.
-
Especially in Beijing, when they talk, they have that...
-
[IMITATES MANDARIN]
"Hao hao, se, se, sur."
-
[IMITATES MANDARIN]
-
[IMITATES MANDARIN]
"Sur, you son of a bitch!" Like that.
-
Much very different, you know what I mean?
-
And in Mandarin, they have...
-
You know when you're speaking English,
-
we have words that we use to stall,
-
'till we get to the next word.
-
Little shit words we shove into a sentence,
-
words like 'like,' or 'um,' or
-
'you know,' 'but uh,'
-
'sort of,' 'like, you know,'
-
'but you know.'
-
Just little crappy words that we shove into sentence,
-
while we're thinking up the next word, you know what I mean?
-
To stall.
-
Well, in Mandarin they have one word that they love to use,
-
and it sounds really messed up in English.
-
But this... You know what I'm saying.
-
This Chinese guy's like,
-
"I know! I know! I know the word."
-
So you know I'm not making it up, right?
-
This is the word.
-
All I hear while I'm in Beijing,
-
people talking, all I'm hearing is uh...
-
[IMITATES MANDARIN]
-
[IMITATES MANDARIN]
"Neegah..."
-
"Neegah..."
-
"Neegah, neegah, neegah..."
-
That's their word!
-
Now this is a true story.
-
I was at KFC in Beijing.
-
'Cause I went to China
-
to eat Kentucky Fried Chicken, right? So...
-
I'm at KFC in Beijing,
-
I'm standing in line,
-
and standing in line in front of me
-
is a black woman.
-
I did not put her there.
-
She was there. I swear, you can't make this shit up.
-
As I'm standing in line, there's this black woman standing in line in front of me.
-
The only black woman in China,
-
and she found the chicken, that's all I'm saying.
-
All right? That's all I'm saying.
-
I don't make the stereotypes, I just see them.
-
So I'm standing in line, and this black woman is standing in front of me,
-
and she's a Nigerian woman.
-
I know she's Nigerian,
-
'cause she's having a tough time with the menu and she keeps looking at me.
-
[IMITATES NIGERIAN ACCENT]
"I don't know what to order."
-
I'm like, "Look at the menu!"
Right? So...
-
She's like "Eh!"ing and "Oh!"ing and everything's okay then, right? So...
-
I said "You should try the popcorn !Xhicken."
-
So...
-
So I was standing in line, right?
-
And this little Chinese kid runs in with his mom,
-
and he runs to the front of the counter, right?
-
And he's looking at the menu trying to figure out what he wants to eat,
-
now his mom's standing over there,
-
and the Nigerian woman's standing right here.
-
And he's trying to tell his mom what he wants to eat,
-
but he's not really sure.
-
So all you see happening is uh...
-
[IMITATES MANDARIN]
-
"Neegah..."
-
"Neegah..."
-
"Neegah..."
-
And the Nigerian woman looks at me,
-
like I'm supposed to beat the shit out of this kid, right?
-
"Why don't you hit him?"
-
I'm like, "Here's a straw. Get him yourself."
-
[BLOWGUN SOUND]
-
I had a good time in China.
-
You know what sucked, though, when I went to China?
-
I'm not making this up.
-
The airline lost my suitcase
-
on the way to China.
-
On the way.
-
How do you lose shit on the way to somewhere?
-
I get to China, I have nothing with me, right?
-
'Cause they lost my suitcase.
-
So I get to China,
-
all I had with me, 'cause I'm an idiot,
-
all I had was my hand luggage,
-
and in my hand luggage, all I packed was a portable DVD player,
-
a Discman, some CDs, some DVDs, some magazines.
-
'Cause I figured long trip like that
-
I want to be entertained.
-
And then my underwear and my socks and my toothbrush and my deodorant--
-
My deodorant...
-
will be in my suitcase which will meet me in China,
-
which never met me in China.
-
And I got to be honest with you, as a brown man,
-
we need our deodorant, all right?
-
Don't give me the look, 'cause you know you need it.
-
Don't walk around, "No, no, I'm good, I'm just... I'm good."
-
No, no, no.
-
You need the fucking deodorant, all right? That's what you need.
-
Because the rumors are already...
-
people have already said, "Oh, Indian people, they stink!"
-
Let me tell you something, Indian people don't stink.
-
Let me tell you what happens to my people.
-
We expire
-
quicker than other people.
-
And after 25 hours on a plane,
-
I was thoroughly expired.
-
I stunk so bad, I walked into the airport in Beijing,
-
Chinese people there were going,
-
"Oh, God, you stink."
-
"You're from India."
-
"Well, go to hell!"
-
"I'm from Canada."
-
"That's how Canadians smell."
-
So now, I have a show that night and I have no clothes,
-
and I'm wearing sweatpants, sweatshirt,
-
baseball hat, running shoes, you know what I mean?
-
I'm... I'm dressed for comfort.
-
I can't go on stage like that,
-
so I have to go to this mall in Beijing
-
to go buy some clothes.
-
Now, I didn't know this until I got there,
-
but apparently in China,
-
I'm Shaquile O'Neal.
-
I go to the mall, I walk into the store, I'm like,
-
"Hey, do you have 10.5 or 11 on that shoes?"
-
"Uh, no."
-
"How about an eight?"
-
"How about I can't negotiate my foot size with you?"
-
How about that?
-
"Alright, how about a 36 on those pants?"
-
"36 is too big!"
-
"You're too fat!"
-
"Lose some weight, fat boy!"
-
"Come back when you're 30, 32 the most."
-
I'm like, "How can I not find clothes in China?"
-
"Isn't everything made there?"
-
All in all, a good trip, though.
-
I did so much traveling, my passport expired last summer,
-
I had to renew my passport.
-
I don't know about it in America, but in Canada,
-
when you do passport photos,
-
you're not allowed to smile.
-
That's the new rule. You're not allowed to smile.
-
This is their way of fighting terrorism.
-
This is how they're gonna catch the terrorists.
-
You can't smile.
-
That's the message we're sending you. If you can,
-
If you're traveling, you'd better not be happy.
-
I didn't know, right? I'm in the mall,
-
I walked into one of those places that says "We do passport photos,"
-
I walked in, I'm like, "Yo, I need some passport photos."
-
The guy goes "No problem, buddy. Sit down."
-
Which really pissed me off,
-
cause he's a white guy,
-
and I don't know why he's talking like that, right? So...
-
I think he was mocking me.
-
So I sit down.
The guy goes "You ready?"
-
I go, "Yeah."
-
It's a picture, and I'm a happy guy,
-
so I figured, alright.
-
He goes, "You ready?" And I smiled, I'm like this.
-
The guy goes, "Sir, sir."
-
"Your lips need to be touching."
-
"Alright."
-
"Sir. Sir, you can't smile."
-
Not like that, I can't smile. Of course I'm...
-
That's their way.
-
This is how they really think they're going to find the terrorist.
-
It's by making you not smile.
-
You wanna find the terrorist?
-
Make everybody smile.
-
And the people who don't want to smile?
-
Question them!
-
Whenever you've been watching CNN,
-
and they show you the terrorists that they're looking for,
-
and those guys are happy?
-
Never!
-
Sir, you never see like a shot of a terrorist stand around, going,
-
You know, there's never the one joker terrorist guy
-
with his thumb on the detonator,
-
"I'll do it! I'll do it!"
-
"I'll... Ah, you flinched, you bastard! I saw you flinched!"
-
So I wasn't allowed to smile.
-
So now, if it wasn't bad enough
-
being a brown man, going to the airport,
-
now when I give them my passport, I look pissed off.
-
My picture in my passport looks like this.
-
They're taking my passport,
-
"Now, Mr. Peters, step this way, please."
-
"We'd like a few words with you."
-
It's hard, man. The security at the airport,
-
the Custom, Immigration,
-
they really need to learn the difference between a terrorist
-
and an Indian.
-
We're not the same!
-
We're not!
-
We're not from the same part of the world,
-
we don't speak the same language, we don't eat the same food.
-
We don't even hate the same people.
-
Terrorists hate Americans.
-
Indians hate each other.
-
A terrorist will blow up an airport.
-
Indians like to work at the airport.
-
"That will be counter-productive."
-
I know a lot of white people are nervous about flying nowadays,
-
I understand to a certain degree,
-
but I had one white guy like, "No, man. I don't fly anymore."
-
"You never know what shit's gonna go down up there."
-
I'm like, "What? Nothing's going down up there, dude."
-
"Yeah, well, you never know."
-
And I understand, you know what I mean? You're a little panicked a little bit,
-
but think about it reasonably, you know what I mean?
-
Think about it logically.
-
Think about what airline you're getting on.
-
Where you're getting on the plane, where you're flying to, you know what I mean?
-
That all factors in your whole terrorist theory.
-
I was on a JetBlue flight.
-
See? JetBlue is funny enough.
-
I was on a JetBlue flight from Buffalo, New York to La Guardia.
-
It was like a 30-seat plane.
-
[WITH INDIAN ACCENT]
Plane.
-
Oh my God, my Indian Tourette is acting up.
-
"30-seat plane."
-
We all go through it.
-
So I get on board this little plane.
-
It's a 45 minute flight.
-
I walked on board,
-
this older white lady sees me, grabs her bag, goes
-
"Oh, my God!"
-
I'm like, "What?"
-
"You think I'm a terrorist?"
-
"On freaking JetBlue?"
-
"What am I? The low self-esteem terrorist?"
-
"Yeah, I don't want to kill a lot of us today,"
-
"tought I start off with 30."
-
"Tomorrow, Southwest."
-
Just think about it logically, you know.
-
I was on a flight like two weeks after 9-11,
-
I sat down beside this white guy, he almost shit his pants.
-
I sat down, the guy goes like this.
-
[BREATHING NERVOUSLY]
-
About half an hour into the flight, I reached for my bag,
-
the guy goes, "Oh my God! No!"
-
"What? Relax, you jackass."
-
"Just getting my Discman."
-
"Gotta listen to my instructions."
-
Glad Latinos are here, man.
-
All six of you.
-
You full Latino? You half?
-
What are you?
-
He does this. Half.
-
That's half?
-
That's how you cut him.
-
What are you? What's your mix?
-
Uh, Puerto Rican and black.
-
Puerto Rican and black.
-
That's not far off. They're from New York, your parents?
-
One is.
-
One is? Which one?
-
Puerto Rican?
-
Is he really?
-
Nice. a Puerto Rican and black. That's cool, man.
-
We don't-- we don't have any Puerto Ricans in Canada.
-
We don't have any Mexican. Any Mexican people here?
-
You? One guy's like...
-
Are you full Mexican?
-
Yup.
-
Nice. What's your name?
-
Jose.
-
Jose? Wow, just...
-
just in case we didn't believe him, you know?
-
I like the Mexicans.
-
Well, there's no Mexicans in Canada either, man.
-
There's none. There's no Mexicans in Canada.
-
You should see how messed up our lawns are.
-
Now, uh...
-
What? All of a sudden everybody got sensitive.
-
"Oh, hey! That's not..."
-
"Everybody else, it's fine."
-
"But you don't say shit about the lawn."
-
It's funny how defensive they got for you.
-
You see that, Jose? They got your back.
-
No Mexican. I wish we had Mexicans,
-
but we got a lot of-- we got-- we got Latinos,
-
but we got a lot of South Americans, you know what I mean? All the,
-
like, Chileans and all the,
-
all the, uh, Uruguay and all the soccer countries. You know what I mean?
-
We got all them.
-
But, see, I live in LA now.
-
And in LA there are a lot of Mexicans,
-
and one of my good friends, Jesus,
-
"Hay-soos."
-
It's just cool to hang around a guy named Jesus, you know what I mean? That's...
-
"Who's your friend?"
"The son of God."
-
That's uh...
-
I like hanging around Jesus, man.
-
'Cause Mexican, Latinos in general are very proud people,
-
you know what I mean?
-
You don't ever mess up anything Spanish around them.
-
They get very upset, like you're supposed to know how to say their shit.
-
I'm like, "Jesus, I'm gonna go get a burrito, man."
-
"Hey!"
-
"It's Buh-ree-toh."
-
"Holy shit. I'm sorryto, OK?"
-
The Latinos in Canada is trying to play that, see?
-
The guys in the, the Mexican cats in LA, they all play that--"
-
a lot of them play that hardcore cholo thing, you know?
-
That whole gangster thing.
-
"Hey, ese, I want to talk to you for a minute. Eh, fucker?"
-
They play it hard, you know? They--
-
They got that intensity about them.
-
Even Jesus will approach me,
-
"Hey, Russell, let me talk to you for a second, eh?"
-
"What? What did I do?"
-
"Nothing. I'm just saying hi."
-
"Damn, Jesus. You wanna relax a little?"
-
The Latinos in Canada, all the South American guys,
-
they play that whole smooth Latin lover shit all the time, you know?
-
Too much, to the point, like,
-
where they're trying to seduce everybody all the time.
-
You know what I mean?
-
I went to this Spanish club in Toronto.
-
This girl goes, "Oh, Russell, I want you to meet Fernando."
-
This guy turns around, and goes, "Hola."
-
[WITH SMOOTH SPANISH ACCENT]
"I am Fernando."
-
I'm like, "You want to put your cock away, Fernando?"
-
"I'm just trying to shake your hand. It's uh..."
-
"...not that kind of party."
-
But I like, I like the Latinos.
-
'Cause you know why?
-
They could have the most normal accent in the world,
-
but the minute they start saying like a South American country,
-
it sounds like they just stepped off a boat a second ago.
-
You know what I mean?
-
"Hey, where you from?"
-
"Well, I'm from here, but my family's originally from Ecuador."
-
"What the hell happened to you just now?"
-
And the more Spanish countries they say,
-
the more it sounds like they're going deaf, you know?
-
"Well, I'm from Ecuador. This is my friend from Nicaragua."
-
"Eastern Guatemala."
-
[GIBBERISH]
-
"Honduras."
-
[GIBBERISH]
-
[GIBBERISH]
-
"Peru! Peru!"
-
I like cultural names.
-
Cultural names are really cool, you know.
-
I don't have a cultural name.
-
And Indian people for some reason have a real tough time with this.
-
But my real name is Russell Peters.
-
Both my parents are from India,
-
and that's the name they gave me.
-
Russell Dominic...
-
Look at you dumb motherfuckers right there!
-
Do you know Indian history at all?
-
At all?
-
No, you don't. You know why? I can tell you there's no Indian history.
-
The British were there for 400 years.
-
You don't think they fucked one or two of us?
-
If they can steal all our jewelries,
-
they can bang one or two of us.
-
That's my real name. Both my parents are from India,
-
and they named me Russell Dominic Peters.
-
Dominic. I got an Italian middle name.
-
'Cause my parents are from that Italian part of India.
-
[WITH ITALIAN ACCENT]
Calcutta.
-
You know, that part there.
-
That's it. You have a problem with my name?
-
Talk to my parents, Eric and Maureen.
-
And my brother Julio.
-
If I had an Indian name, I'd wear it proudly.
-
You know what I mean? I don't have one.
-
If I had it, I would rock it very proudly.
-
What's your name, Mr. India over there?
-
Anit.
-
- Sorry?
- Anit.
-
Anit?
-
See, that's a neat name.
-
That's uh...
-
Anit!
-
Anit!
-
Patel!
-
Patel? Nice.
-
Jose, that's the equivalent right there.
-
That's uh...
-
Anit Patel.
-
That's my brother, Amessy Patel.
-
That's my big brother, Aslob.
-
Do you know what your name means?
-
No.
-
No?
-
So sure that this wasn't my name, but has no clue what your name...
-
I don't know what your name means either.
-
I know what my name means.
-
Russell. It sucks. You know what it means?
-
To make a noise.
-
It's uh...
-
It's a shit name, it's a shit joke, what do you want?
-
I like the Indian names. I think,
-
I think the Indian names are very cool.
-
They have deep meanings to them. They have long history behind them.
-
What's your name, my little Sikh brother right there?
-
What's your name?
-
Prabjoat.
-
Sorry?
-
Prabjoat.
-
Prab?
-
Jote.
-
Not prebjoad, right?
-
'Cause that would just be rude, I guess, at that point, wouldn't it?
-
That would make his name Prab-fuck,
-
That's what his name would have been.
-
Prebjoad.
-
"Prebjoad! What are you doing? That's..."
-
Good solid Indian name, you know?
-
I like the Indian names. Do you know what your name means?
-
What-- See, he knows what his name means.
-
Eh, Anit?
-
What does it mean, Prab?
-
God's essence.
-
God's essence?
-
God damn!
-
What's your sister's name? Herbal Essence?
-
What's uh...
-
"You sister smells great."
-
"That's just Herbal."
-
"Herbal-joad."
-
God's essence. That's dope, man.
-
I like the Indian names.
-
I think a lot of Indian names are really cool, but...
-
I think a lot of-- cultural names are cool.
-
But if you're gonna be, if you're gonna have a cultural name,
-
and you're gonna move from another country to America,
-
think about what that name means in English before you move here.
-
You know what I mean?
-
Think about how it's gonna affect your life.
-
'Cause some Indian names are really good.
-
Some Indian names are really cool.
-
And they mean a lot. But they're really good in India.
-
When they come here with those names,
-
it just doesn't cross over very well.
-
I met an Indian dude,
-
and you know this is a real name, cause he was one of your people.
-
Um...
-
I met an Indian guy, I swear to God,
-
his real name was Sukhdeep.
-
Sukh Deep.
-
Could you imagine living your life
-
with a name like Suck Deep?
-
Somebody's looking for you one day,
-
"Yo, man."
-
"You Suckdeep?"
-
"Yeah, sometimes, if I have to. I..."
-
"...don't really like it, though. I..."
-
And obviously it's not pronounced 'suck deep' in my culture,
-
you know what I mean?
-
But if you were to read it, that's how you read it.
-
It's spelled S-U-K-H-D-E-E-P.
-
The 'H' doesn't help.
-
'Cause now it sounds even worse.
-
Suck huh Deep.
-
"Come here, Suck-huh-Deep!"
-
And I used to think Sukhdeep was the funniest Indian name I've ever heard.
-
And then a few months ago, I was in D.C.,
-
and I met this Indian dude. And I shit you not,
-
the guy's real name
-
was Hardik.
-
H-A-R-D-I-K.
-
Hardik!
-
Who the hell name their kid Hard Dick?
-
"Hey, come on, Hardik, pull up your pants."
-
"Stop that. It's not nice."
-
Hard dick.
-
How can you not get into a career in porn with a name like Hard Dick?
-
What if Hardik and Sukhdeep became best friends?
-
You're a Punjabi, you know what I'm saying.
-
You guys cross the line with us as well.
-
I met an Indian girl named Ramindeep.
-
Ram-in-deep!
-
"Hey, get in there, Ramindeep."
-
Sure, it's not pronounced like that,
-
but it sounds funnier when you say Ram-in-deep.
-
Just think, you know.
-
And I don't know why the Indian guys just can't wrap--
-
Indian people can't wrap their head around my name.
-
I don't know why it's that difficult.
-
It's very simple. Just go read a history book
-
and it'll all make sense to you.
-
And Indian people are always the worst about it. The worst.
-
White people here. "Russell Peters."
"Oh, okay."
-
They don't have a problem with it. They don't get it.
-
They just, "Oh, I don't care. Yeah."
-
"Maybe he's just a dark white guy. I don't know what he is. It's uh..."
-
"Maybe somewhere south. I don't know what he is."
-
I am-- "Look, you're not Christian, are you?"
-
"Yes, I am."
-
South?
-
No, not from the south. See, I'm not one of them.
-
I know what you're thinking. I'm not one of them.
-
Those were converts.
-
I was mixed.
-
We don't know when the mix happened.
-
It just happened.
-
We're a long line of us.
-
Indian people are the worst. 'Cause uh...
-
You tell my name to a white guy: "Russell Peters."
-
"How're you doing? Nice to meet you."
-
Indian people, they'll first want to question you.
-
And the Indian people, when they try to get information out of you,
-
they're the worst at it.
-
They're not very convincing.
-
You can always tell when an Indian person's
-
trying to convince you to tell them something.
-
'Cause when they're trying to convince you,
-
they give you this look like they're taking a shit.
-
They do. They'll come like this.
-
"Hey, Russell."
-
"Russell..."
-
[STRAINING]
"Russell..."
-
It's what they do.
-
They're not very convincing people, you know?
-
Parents are the worst 'cause they--
-
White parents are very direct, you know what I mean?
-
You have white parents. Where are you?
-
There you are, white guy. Yeah.
-
What's your name, buddy?
-
Steve.
-
Steve. Just in case-- wow, there's--
-
Welcome to stereotype night. This is um...
-
Steve, Jose, and Anit Patel.
-
White parents are very direct.
-
They want their kids to something?
-
"Hey, Steve, come here and clean up your room."
-
They tell you right away.
-
Indian parents feel the need to convince their kids to do things.
-
And if they don't make the shit face,
-
they'll take one word and try and make it sound convincing.
-
You know?
-
"Russell?"
-
"Come."
-
"Coome."
-
"Cooome."
-
That's their convincing sound.
-
They'll just take one word and extend it.
-
[ELONGATED SOUND]
-
I can only imagine an arranged marriage on the wedding night.
-
They got to consummate the first day they met.
-
"Are we going to have sex?"
-
"Seex?"
-
[MAKING ELONGATED SOUND]
"Seeeex."
-
"Doggy style?"
-
"Doogy?"
-
"Dooooog."
-
Immigrant parents have a tendency to embarrass their kids, don't they?
-
Yeah, they do. They do things.
-
They just do shit when family comes over.
-
That's when they embarrass you.
-
You can try and be as hardcore as you want,
-
but the minute your family, like relatives come over, it's over.
-
They're gonna embarrass you.
-
Filipinos, you know what I'm saying.
-
You guys always have that shit happen to you.
-
"Show Tito Ray how you sing. Show him."
-
"Joon, come here and show Tito Ray your songs."
-
"Show him. Sing the songs for Tito Ray."
-
"Go on. Do it."
-
"Do it. Ah, see. He's so good. He's so good."
-
Indian parents will do that too.
-
I remember when I was like 14, I used to break-dance.
-
There was...
-
Yeah, I did.
-
I was, all the time, just...
-
That was me back in the day, man.
-
But I remember, like, when I was 14, I'd be out there all day.
-
"Come on, we're gonna break. Come on, everybody. We're gonna break."
-
"We're gonna break all day, man!"
-
And then when my family would come over,
-
I didn't want to like, break in front of them.
-
My dad would be like, "Come, Russell."
-
"Show. Show uncle how you dance."
-
"Show uncle how you dance!"
-
I'm like, "I don't want to show him how I..."
-
"Show him how you dance."
-
And you're standing like an asshole.
-
And your uncle's like, "Oh, that's very good. Is he retarded?"
-
"I can't tell what's happening. It's..."
-
Yeah, Russell!
-
Just embarrassed you, man.
-
That's a lot of energy.
-
Anybody here from England? Any British people in the house tonight?
-
Oh, look at that.
-
Nice, you imported your white meat.
-
Nice job, sir.
-
Where you from in England, ma'am? Are you from England?
-
What part?
-
I'm from Bedford.
-
[WITH ENGLISH ACCENT]
Bedford.
-
Bedford.
-
She said it so nicely. "I'm from Bedford."
-
I like the English accent sometimes, you know what I mean?"
-
But I really think it's the only accent in the world you can't do
-
without making a ridiculous face every time you do it.
-
"Yes, good evening, I'm from England."
-
"Ha!"
-
"I'm from England."
-
"Ha!"
-
Sometimes English people are OK,
-
but sometimes they get very arrogant, the English.
-
You know what I mean?
-
You want to mess with English people?
-
Next time you meet somebody from England
-
and they tell you where they're from,
-
act like you've never heard of it.
-
Oh, they get pissed off.
-
"Hey, that's an interesting accent. Where are you from?"
-
"I'm from England. Ha ha!"
-
"I'm sorry. Where?"
-
"England."
-
"Haah!"
-
"I've never heard of it."
-
"England?"
-
"Ha?"
-
"Little island, beside"
-
[WHEEZING]
"Europe."
-
"Is that near Miami?"
-
"England, you bloody fool!"
-
"I believe you are speaking our language."
-
"I'm speaking English, dude. I don't know what the hell you're speaking right now."
-
"You're speaking constipatese or something."
-
"I don't know what that is,"
-
"but you need fiber, jeeves."
-
"England. Ha!"
-
It just-- It looks ugly sometimes, you know?
-
I think that's why English guys don't get laid a lot, man.
-
Women don't want that pounding them, do they?
-
"Oh, God, ooh, ahh!"
-
"Aah!"
-
"What a delightful feeling! Oh my God! Ah!"
-
"That is smashing! Oh! Aah!"
-
"Ooh, aha! Oh!"
-
"Oh my God, I'm arriving! Ah!"
-
How long have you been in America for?
-
Twelve, thirteen years?
-
And you guys met in England, obviously, because he's a brown man.
-
'Cause I don't know if you're aware of this now,
-
but England has the largest population of Indian people outside of India.
-
It's true. They're all there.
-
And the British are so pissed off that we're there.
-
They're mad 'cause there's so many of us, and...
-
as a brown man, when I walk around England,
-
I can feel it, hear them under their breath.
-
"Go home, you brown bastards!"
-
"Ha!"
-
And they're mad. They're mad because there's so many Indian people in England.
-
And that's not our fault. That's the British people's fault.
-
You guys started it.
-
You went to India first. We didn't ask you to come over.
-
1600. They just showed up.
-
They stayed for 400 years.
-
1947, they just got up and left.
-
We were like, "No, no, no. Wait."
-
"We're coming with you."
-
"You can't just come here and leave."
-
"What the hell are you going to eat?"
-
"Coming."
-
"Coming?"
-
"Coome."
-
My white American friends, I uh...
-
Steve, your families from America?
-
Nice. And you're married to a brown girl, right?
-
Nice. How long have you guys been married for?
-
Eleven years.
-
Eleven years? Nice.
-
You know what's funny?
-
Nowadays, eleven years is "Wow!"
-
Back then, "Eleven? That's it?"
-
Now it's like, "Wow, you made it."
-
We have three kids.
-
Three kids? Nice, little beige babies. Nice.
-
Nice, good job, huh?
-
Indian women are good. They're sexy, right?
-
Spicy. Spicy, though, huh?
-
If you're going down on her,
-
better take a glass of water, that's all I'm saying. You know what I mean?
-
That's all I'm saying.
-
"Uh, huh! Huh!"
-
[MAKING SOUND OF BURNT TONGUE]
-
White people, my white American friends,
-
I'm here to tell you something, alright?
-
I like you.
-
And I'm not just saying that to say it.
-
I'm telling you for a reason.
-
Because I think white folks have really done some major things in the past 30 years.
-
They've really taken some strides.
-
And I feel bad for them too because white people--
-
we, all the non-white people in the world have white folks convinced
-
that they're racist.
-
We have them so scared to notice anything of color,
-
that they're afraid to describe things accurately now.
-
I was working at this comedy club.
-
One of my black friends came down to hang out with me,
-
and the doorman comes up and goes,
-
"Hey, Russell. One of your friends came by."
-
"He was a black guy?"
"I don't know."
-
"I didn't notice."
-
"What do you mean, you didn't notice?"
-
"What he look like?"
"He was tall."
-
"Curly hair."
-
"What was his name?"
"Uh, LeRoy."
-
"Was he black?"
"I don't know, uh, I..."
-
"He could've been. I mean, maybe, I don't know."
-
"If you say he's black, maybe he was. I don't know."
-
We've got white people so scared
-
to describe things with color,
-
we've got them so convinced that they're racist.
-
It's awful, because you know, the thing is,
-
white people will never be as racist as we are.
-
Not in your life.
-
White folks can never be that racist.
-
Indian people, Asian people, we're all very racist.
-
Every group is racist.
-
White folks will see a group of Indian people.
-
They're like, "Oh, look at all those brown people."
-
"They're probably all very happy together."
-
Then you get in that group. We're like, "Hey, you're from India?"
-
"I'm from India. What part?"
-
"Oh, not that part. Go to hell, you bloody bastard!"
-
"I don't want to know you."
-
Every group does it.
-
Asians will do it. Look.
-
"Oh, I'm Chinese."
"You're Chinese? Where are you from?"
-
"I'm from Kung Chao."
"I'm from Ow Bay."
-
"Oh, you go. So stupid. I'll go."
-
"Oh, that's so bad. I don't like. Don't talk to me, asshole!"
-
Every culture does it. It's so bizarre, man.
-
White folks don't have that problem.
-
White guy'll see another white guy,
-
"Hey, where are you from?"
"I'm from Tennessee. Where you from?"
-
"I'm from New York."
"Well, let's have a drink."
-
"Alright, let's go. Ha ha!"
-
That's it. They don't care. They just...
-
"Hey, look. Another white guy."
-
White people, it's OK to be proud of yourselves, you know.
-
It's OK to feel proud. It's not a bad thing.
-
I mean, sometimes you get carried away
-
and then you light crosses and put on pointy white hats, but...
-
That's-- You know, you should draw the line somewhere before that.
-
You know what I mean? You should--
-
But, white people, you really have, you know,
-
changed things for yourselves in the past 30 years, you know what I mean?
-
You've very graciously let immigrants into your country.
-
I mean, you know, the country you took.
-
You know, but whatever. You know what I mean?
-
Sure, sure, you have a bad history, you know what I mean?
-
Sure, you stole some land, you know what I mean?
-
Big deal. You tried to wipe out a whole race of people.
-
No problem.
-
Alright. You know what I mean?
-
You brought people in from Africa and fucked them over.
-
Good deal, you know what I mean? But, you know,
-
let's forget about all that.
-
We're in the 21st century now.
-
It's time to move on.
-
I'm glad that you stole this land.
-
You know why?
-
'Cause Christopher Columbus was looking for my land.
-
You know, Christopher Columbus, your Great Discoverer?
-
He was looking for India when he found North America.
-
That jackass was lost.
-
He wasn't even in the right part of the world.
-
And he knew this wasn't India.
-
Why do you think the native people here were called Indians?
-
'Cause he didn't want to look stupid in front of his whole crew.
-
He's like, "Fellas, that must be India."
-
"And those must be Indians."
-
Meanwhile we're standing on the shores of India going,
-
"Where the hell is Chris?"
-
"The son of a bitch is late."
-
But you really have.
-
You know, white folks have been very gracious,
-
and they've opened up their borders and let the immigrants in,
-
and they didn't ask questions.
-
They're like, "Alright, come on in, immigrants."
-
"Become an American with us and settle down and be an American."
-
"It's all good. Don't worry about it."
-
We all came in, and white people were very friendly.
-
"Nice. come on in. Thanks-- thanks for coming."
-
"Sure, sit down. Have a seat."
You know.
-
Be an American with us. It's all good.
-
And you did it very graciously.
-
You never asked questions, and they never said,
-
"What do you want here? Here, you get out."
-
They never did that. They were just like,
-
"Come on in, come on. Sit down."
-
"Be one of us."
-
And they did it very nicely, you know what I mean?
-
And you look at the immigrants, and you say, "Look at all those immigrants,"
-
"so happy to be here."
-
And you think that the immigrants, 'cause they all smile and say,
-
"Hello, Mr. American, how are you?"
-
"Good day, sir."
-
And then you don't realize that every immigrant that's ever come to this country,
-
comes to America and talks shit about you.
-
Every immigrant, doesn't matter where they come from.
-
They can come from Europe, they can come from Asia, they come from Africa,
-
doesn't matter. The immigrants come here
-
and they talk shit behind the Americans' backs.
-
And I don't like it 'cause I was born in North America,
-
so it pisses me off.
-
but I'm telling you, they all do, and they all say the same thing.
-
It's very irritating.
-
You came from England, you probably said it too.
-
And you're white, lady. See, even white people do it.
-
See what I mean?
-
But every immigrant comes here, you know what the first thing they do is say,
-
"Oh, Americans have no culture."
-
That's what they say. That's the first thing--
-
My dad used to say it. "Oh, these bloody Americans have no culture."
-
I go, "Dad, they have culture. They have their own thing going on,"
-
"which makes it theirs, which makes it part of their culture,"
-
"which means, they have culture."
-
"No. Show me. What is their culture? What is it? Show me."
-
"What? What? Whaaat?"
-
"Whaaaat?"
-
"What's their culture? Hamburgers and hoddogs are not a culture."
-
I'm like, "First of all, hamburgers and what?"
-
"Hoddogs."
-
"What the hell is 'hoddogs'?"
-
"Hoddogs, you know, hoddogs?"
-
"You mean, hot dogs?"
-
"Don't try to give it a fancy name, now, OK?"
-
But, white people, it's not fair.
-
White Americans, it's not fair that immigrants come here
-
and tell you that you have no culture
-
because you do have things that are your culture.
-
Black American culture is very distinct.
-
You can look at it and go, "That's black American culture."
-
They don't need to prove anything.
-
But the white folks always have something to prove,
-
and I'm here to tell you you do have a culture.
-
And it always boils down to music, you know what I mean?
-
When it comes down to music, white folks, you have your own thing going on.
-
And it's not like we didn't enjoy your culture too.
-
We enjoyed it, but you enjoyed it more than we did
-
which made it your culture, which made it you.
-
You know what I mean? White folks love certain songs
-
that we all enjoyed, but white people took it to another level..
-
White folks tend to like the songs that are like audience participation, you know?
-
You know, then they don't have to do a lot.
-
"I just go to follow what that guy's doing?"
-
"That's perfect. We'll do that."
-
'Cause the jokes are already out there, you know. "White people can't dance."
-
That's not true. It's not fair. White people can dance.
-
You just choose to do too many dances at the same time.
-
That's where the problems kick in, you know what I mean?
-
You can't salsa and do the running man.
-
It just doesn't look right, alright?
-
But white folks generally love the audience participation songs.
-
You know what I mean?
-
And we enjoyed 'em too.
-
Uh, the Macarena.
-
I mean, it started off as a Latino thing,
-
but then white people got ahold of it, and really ran with it,
-
you know what I mean?
-
They took it and made it theirs, you know what I mean?
-
We all did the Macarena,
-
but white people took it to another level. Left foot, right foot.
-
We went, "That's a white people's dance."
-
"Good on you, whities."
-
"Enjoy yourselves."
-
'Cause I like to watch them enjoy themselves like that.
-
When they hear their music that they like,
-
they get this joyous look in their eyes.
-
And I love to see people enjoy themselves like that.
-
There are certain songs. The Macarena.
-
The chicken dance. That's the white people's song, man.
-
You know the chicken dance.
-
[HUMMING THE CHICKEN DANCE]
-
You losers!
-
Arriba!
-
No, we're gonna stick with the chicken dance for now.
-
I like the chicken dance. That's a white people's--
-
[HUMMING THE CHICKEN DANCE]
-
You ever go to a white wedding and they play the chicken dance?
-
The minute they play the chicken dance,
-
that's how you know the dance floor's open.
-
'Cause white people lose their mind.
-
The bridesmaids, "Oh, my God, the chicken dance!"
-
And the song's tricky 'cause it gets faster.
-
You never know what's gonna happen next, you know?
-
And then there's like the song that I believe is like the white--
-
the white people's national anthem, you know?
-
I was walking down Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles,
-
and there was this nightclub playing this song.
-
And they were playing it really loud. You could hear it on the street.
-
And white people were walking by and driving by,
-
and they stopped dead in their tracks
-
to do the YMCA.
-
White people lose their mind when they hear the YMCA.
-
Stopped their cars in the middle of Sunset Boulevard,
-
got out of their car, and didn't do it like, you know, half-assed. They were like,
-
They do like this.
-
I was like, "Wow, this guy's into it."
-
People were honking their horns. "Move it!"
-
"Go around, asshole! I'm doing the YMCA over here!"
-
He was like,
-
And everybody was doing it.
-
And I saw how much joy was in their eyes.
-
And I felt so good for the white people at that time, you know?
-
I saw how much they were enjoying themselves, and I went,
-
"Yes, white people. Have fun."
-
And I felt good for you, you know what I mean?
-
And then I started to feel bad.
-
Not for you,
-
but for me and my people,
-
and other Asian groups.
-
Because our alphabet
-
is not set up for songs like that.
-
There's never gonna be a Chinese version of the YMCA, you know?
-
[IMITATING CHINESE]
"This fun to stay on top!"
-
Hey, thank you very much, San Francisco. Good night.
-
Russell Peters, ladies and gentlemen!
-
Russell Peters!
-
I think they want some more. Do you want more?
-
He can't hear ya!
-
Here he is, guys! Russell Peters!
-
Alright!
-
Now, since this is gonna be for DVD release,
-
and for Comedy Central.
-
I know this part will be on Comedy Central, but
-
this part will definitely be on the DVD.
-
And this is part of the last time I'm gonna do this joke,
-
'cause I'm retiring it after this.
-
And uh...
-
No, no, no! You can have it on DVD, you cheap bastards!
-
Now, listen, when this DVD comes out,
-
I don't want you motherfuckers to go
-
and upload it and then start download this shit for free, alright?
-
I know how you are. Please, go and buy this.
-
This comes out, buy this one.
-
Gotta be a way to make it un-uploadable.
-
One of you bastards work in IT. I know you do.
-
See that? "I do! I do!"
-
"That's me!"
-
That's right.
-
Now,
-
I'm gona do this right now for ya.
-
Now, white folks.
-
I hope you enjoy this show tonight so far.
-
Now I've talked about white people already, and I'm...
-
but I've gotta talk to you a little bit more. 'Cause um...
-
Because I've gotta talk to you about your parenting skills.
-
Every time I see it on the news, I got really irritated.
-
When I hear them, "You shouldn't beat your children."
-
"Don't beat your kids. Talk to them."
-
"Give them a time out."
-
Beat the motherfuckers! That's what I'm trying to tell you.
-
White folks, please beat your children.
-
'Cause non-white parents will beat their kids.
-
Your dad's a Puerto Rican, your mom's black,
-
they must've whupped your ass for no reason sometimes, huh?
-
"Hey, son, come here."
-
"What's that for?"
-
"I know you did some shit when I wasn't here."
-
Mexican parents will do, "Mira!"
-
They'll beat you, man.
-
Indian parents aren't afraid to kill their kids if they have to,
-
you know what I mean?
-
We're the second largest population in the world.
-
Reproduction is not a big deal.
-
My dad's theory was,
-
"If I get rid of one, I'll just make another one."
-
"Then I'll tell the new one what an idiot the last one was."
-
You've gotta beat your kids, folks. Please.
-
I know a lot of white people don't beat them,
-
but I don't understand why you won't beat your kids.
-
Please beat them. If you have kids,
-
and you haven't beaten them, when you go home tonight,
-
shit, when you turn off this DVD,
-
I want you to go into your kid's room and
-
"Hey, hey, buddy. How you doing?"
-
"Hey. Sleeping?"
-
"Yeah?"
-
"That's good. Have it here?"
-
"Uh huh, yeah?"
-
Whack! Just one below.
-
Whack, you know.
-
He's already lying down, he'll sleep it off.
-
Don't worry about it, alright?
-
You gotta beat 'em, and I'll tell you why.
-
Because white kids are now going to school with
-
with black kids, and brown kids,
-
and Asian kids,
-
and they're going to school with multi-cultural kids.
-
And all those kids get beaten.
-
And they'll all be hanging on the playground,
-
having fun with each other, you know what I mean? They'll be--
-
they'll be talking about the ass-whupping they got last night.
-
Black kid, "My dad beat my ass."
Indian kid, "My dad beat my ass, too."
-
Asians, "I got my ass whupped."
-
Do you want that white kid to feel left out?
-
Beat him, so he's not a social outcast.
-
"I got sent to my room."
-
"You got a room?"
-
Beat them!
-
Please. And I'll tell you why you need to beat them. Why else?
-
Because when--
-
when white kids hang around non-white kids,
-
we tend to look at them for advice.
-
And it could get us murdered if we listen to their fucked up advice
-
on how to deal with our parents.
-
I remember when I was 10 years old,
-
I hang around this white kid, Ryan.
-
Ryan's parents never beat him,
-
and they never even yell at him.
-
He could do anything he wanted,
-
and nothing was gonna happen to him.
-
But he was an angry kid.
-
I walked into his house after school one day, his mom goes,
-
"Ryan, go clean your room."
-
"Fuck you, bitch!"
-
His mom goes, "What am I gonna do with him?"
-
Well, beat his ass!
-
I go, "Ryan, you can't talk to your mom like that."
-
"Yes I can, she's a fucking idiot!"
-
"Don't say that, man. She'll hit you."
-
"No she won't. She's not allowed to."
-
"What are you talking about, dude?"
-
"My parents hit me."
-
"Yeah, well, next time they try it, you tell them to fuck off."
-
"Are you sure?"
-
"Trust me. It works for me."
-
So I went home
-
for the last time.
-
I walked in the house,
-
my dad goes, "Russell, come and do the dishes."
-
"Fuck you, dad!"
-
"What the hell did you just said to me?"
-
"Do I look like Ryan's mom?"
-
"Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad."
-
That was my dad's threat.
-
Right before he beat me. Every single time.
-
"Russell,"
-
"somebody gonna get a hurt real bad."
-
I hated that threat. You know why?
-
'Cause he always say 'somebody.'
-
He'd never tell you it's you.
-
I mean, you knew it was you.
-
But he gives you this hope.
-
"Russell!"
-
"Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad."
-
"Somebody."
-
"I'm not gonna say who."
-
"Oh, I think you might know him very well."
-
I'm at the back praying, "I hope it's my brother, man. Please."
-
"Beat Julio's ass."
-
I saw that little brat, Ryan, at school a few days later,
-
I was like, "Yo! Your little plan almost got me killed!"
-
He goes, "Oh, sorry, dude. I forgot to tell you the other part."
-
"If he's still gonna hit you, threaten to phone Child Services."
-
"Why?"
-
"'Cause if you phone Child Services, they'll come and take your dad away,"
-
"and he'll get in trouble. You won't even have to call,"
-
"just pretend. It'll scare the shit out of him."
-
You're 10 years old,
-
you figured out how to scare the shit out of your dad,
-
that's like finding kryptonite.
-
I thought I'd try it.
-
I was about to get my next beating, I stop my dad and go,
-
"Don't do it!"
-
"I'll phone Child Services."
-
You ever had your parents called your bluff?
-
"You'll do what?"
-
"I'll phone Child Services."
-
"Is that right?"
-
[SHIVERING SOUND]
-
"Well, let me get you the phone, tough guy."
-
"What are you doing?"
-
"If I phone Child Services, you'll get in trouble."
-
"I might get into a little bit of trouble."
-
"But I know that it's going to take them 22 minutes to get here."
-
"In that time,"
-
"somebody gonna get a hurt real bad."
-
Thank you very much! Good night.
-
[HOUSE MUSIC CONTINUES]