1
00:00:03,350 --> 00:00:04,740
Ladies and gentlemen,

2
00:00:06,689 --> 00:00:07,970
ladies and gentlemen,

3
00:00:07,970 --> 00:00:09,570
please, if you say that,

4
00:00:09,970 --> 00:00:11,220
gentlemen. My man,

5
00:00:11,580 --> 00:00:14,540
[MIXED]
Russell Peters!

6
00:00:14,540 --> 00:00:22,100
Yeah, brothers know his name.

7
00:00:22,140 --> 00:00:24,890
Here he is, guys! Russell Peters!

8
00:00:27,330 --> 00:00:42,930
[HOUSE MUSIC CONTINUES]

9
00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:44,700
All right.

10
00:00:45,810 --> 00:00:47,550
How you doing? All right.

11
00:00:55,170 --> 00:00:58,360
All right, look at you, you filthy downloaders.

12
00:01:01,420 --> 00:01:02,640
Look at this audience, man.

13
00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:04,750
Everybody. This is cool, man.

14
00:01:05,150 --> 00:01:05,860
Everybody.

15
00:01:05,860 --> 00:01:09,060
We got-- clearly we got some Asians in the house. That's uh...

16
00:01:12,120 --> 00:01:14,100
I saw all the Honda Civics in the parking lot.

17
00:01:14,100 --> 00:01:15,410
I knew you were here.

18
00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:19,450
I thought they were shooting <i>Fast and The Furious Part 3</i> or something.

19
00:01:21,830 --> 00:01:25,570
Oh, man, and then the brown bastards. Look at you, huh?

20
00:01:26,540 --> 00:01:27,380
All right.

21
00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:31,500
There's a lot of closed motels in town right now, I tell you that. There's uh...

22
00:01:34,450 --> 00:01:37,440
White people, how you doing? White folks, good to see you.

23
00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:40,400
All right, a white guy with a brown girl.

24
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:41,900
Good job, buddy, huh?

25
00:01:44,460 --> 00:01:46,840
Her parents must be so happy.

26
00:01:52,900 --> 00:01:53,550
Ha ha.

27
00:01:54,220 --> 00:01:55,740
There's a brown man with a white woman.

28
00:01:55,740 --> 00:01:57,480
Nice, see? Balance.

29
00:02:00,250 --> 00:02:03,080
That's what I'm talking about. He's living the American dream.

30
00:02:03,850 --> 00:02:05,480
Or at least the Indian dream.

31
00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:08,949
[INDIAN ACCENT]
"If I go to America and I get white woman,"

32
00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:12,270
"I'm ahead of the game."

33
00:02:18,180 --> 00:02:20,290
Latinos in the house? Where the Latinos at?

34
00:02:21,770 --> 00:02:23,090
All right, all six of you.

35
00:02:23,090 --> 00:02:24,340
Good. All right.

36
00:02:25,300 --> 00:02:28,080
I don't know how the hell we're in California, only six Latinos showed up.

37
00:02:30,510 --> 00:02:31,720
And black people?

38
00:02:32,190 --> 00:02:34,390
You clap again. Look at that, hey.

39
00:02:35,060 --> 00:02:36,960
You got both. You're black and Latino.

40
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:38,550
Your credit must suck.

41
00:02:38,550 --> 00:02:39,840
You're... I just can't...

42
00:02:46,390 --> 00:02:47,910
Oh, man.

43
00:02:50,180 --> 00:02:52,050
It's funny, when I say 'Asian,'

44
00:02:52,050 --> 00:02:53,920
especially in America, when I say 'Asian,'

45
00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:55,930
people automatically picture in their head,

46
00:02:55,930 --> 00:02:58,200
[IMITATES CHINESE MUSIC]

47
00:03:01,150 --> 00:03:03,920
Which is messed up because India is part of Asia,

48
00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:05,530
and we don't get the same credit.

49
00:03:06,020 --> 00:03:07,690
When I say 'Asian,' people don't go...

50
00:03:07,690 --> 00:03:09,760
[IMITATES INDIAN MUSIC]

51
00:03:12,930 --> 00:03:14,820
We're Asian too, man.

52
00:03:15,630 --> 00:03:18,610
When God was making Asians, he made two types of Asians.

53
00:03:19,230 --> 00:03:21,460
And you guys got first choice on looks.

54
00:03:22,370 --> 00:03:24,030
And you fucked us on the deal.

55
00:03:26,860 --> 00:03:28,670
"Yeah, well, we'll take eyes."

56
00:03:39,750 --> 00:03:41,960
"You guys can have noses and hair."

57
00:03:43,470 --> 00:03:44,560
My people are greedy,

58
00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:47,010
"We heard two! We got two! That's a good deal, two!"

59
00:03:49,290 --> 00:03:51,340
"Noses and hair!"

60
00:03:53,010 --> 00:03:55,380
We didn't know it was gonna be big noses and body hair.

61
00:03:55,380 --> 00:03:56,670
That's a shit deal!

62
00:04:03,570 --> 00:04:05,780
We're a hairy race of people, man.

63
00:04:06,460 --> 00:04:09,110
It's hot as hell in India, and we're hairy.

64
00:04:10,660 --> 00:04:12,680
Who the hell came up with that deal?

65
00:04:13,290 --> 00:04:15,090
I think the God that was making Indian people

66
00:04:15,090 --> 00:04:17,760
was having some sort of practical joke with all the other Gods.

67
00:04:17,940 --> 00:04:20,279
He was like, "Hey, guys, come here and watch this. Watch this."

68
00:04:21,850 --> 00:04:24,140
"Buddha, put down the drink. Come here. Come here."

69
00:04:25,870 --> 00:04:26,670
"OK, look."

70
00:04:26,670 --> 00:04:28,710
"I'm going to take these people here."

71
00:04:29,740 --> 00:04:32,400
"And put them in the hottest place in the world."

72
00:04:33,550 --> 00:04:35,630
"And just for fun,"

73
00:04:37,980 --> 00:04:39,330
"I'll cover them with hair."

74
00:04:42,020 --> 00:04:43,800
It's hot and we're hairy.

75
00:04:44,410 --> 00:04:45,900
Men and women.

76
00:04:51,150 --> 00:04:53,030
Indian girls getting mad, pulling down their sleeves,

77
00:04:53,030 --> 00:04:54,710
"I hate this son of a bitch!"

78
00:05:05,770 --> 00:05:07,910
It's OK nowadays that chicks have hair,

79
00:05:07,910 --> 00:05:09,970
Nowadays chicks can take care of it, you know what I mean?

80
00:05:10,300 --> 00:05:12,100
Chicks have hair they don't want nowadays, they can get rid of it.

81
00:05:12,100 --> 00:05:14,010
All kinds of hair removing methods as,

82
00:05:14,010 --> 00:05:16,920
There's waxing, there's electrolysis, there's threading, there's...

83
00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:18,260
laser hair removal.

84
00:05:18,260 --> 00:05:21,920
They have hair they don't want now,
[IMITATES ELECTROLYSIS]

85
00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:25,160
It's gone!

86
00:05:25,160 --> 00:05:27,140
They're removing it from their assholes now.

87
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:31,960
How hairy were your assholes before this?

88
00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:39,480
You know they used to do in the eighties,

89
00:05:39,480 --> 00:05:40,880
when chicks have hair they didn't want?

90
00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:42,330
They used to bleach it.

91
00:05:44,370 --> 00:05:47,740
I'm like, "Sweetheart, we don't have a problem with the <i>color</i> of your mustache."

92
00:05:53,660 --> 00:05:56,090
"It's not like the blond goatie looks better."

93
00:06:02,690 --> 00:06:04,810
And the Asians are not hairy at all.

94
00:06:05,370 --> 00:06:08,370
Full head of hair on their head, and nothing on their body.

95
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:10,490
Very rarely do you see a bald Asian.

96
00:06:10,490 --> 00:06:12,760
Well, unless they shave it off, you know what I mean? But...

97
00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:15,410
Oh, man.

98
00:06:15,410 --> 00:06:17,430
And when I say 'Asian,' you know what's funny? When I say 'Asian,'

99
00:06:17,430 --> 00:06:18,910
people automatically think Chinese.

100
00:06:18,910 --> 00:06:20,780
People go, "Chinese, yes, Asians, Chinese."

101
00:06:20,780 --> 00:06:22,960
"That's all they are. All the Asians are Chinese."

102
00:06:24,910 --> 00:06:26,350
Look at them, yelling out their last name.

103
00:06:26,350 --> 00:06:28,400
So proud, that's cool. But, uh...

104
00:06:38,570 --> 00:06:39,100
But it's funny.

105
00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:40,930
People do think all Asians are Chinese.

106
00:06:40,930 --> 00:06:42,770
That's what they think. "All Asians are Chinese."

107
00:06:42,770 --> 00:06:45,500
"They all speak Chinese, they look Chinese. That's what they are, and that's what they do."

108
00:06:46,790 --> 00:06:47,680
That's not the case.

109
00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:49,360
There's so many different types of Asians.

110
00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:50,060
You know what I mean?

111
00:06:50,060 --> 00:06:52,010
Sure, you may not be able to tell right away,

112
00:06:52,010 --> 00:06:53,400
by looking at Asian people,

113
00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:55,250
You could take an educated guess.

114
00:06:55,250 --> 00:06:57,450
Sometimes certain things stand out,

115
00:06:57,450 --> 00:06:59,320
and you go, "Oh, I know what kind of Asian you are."

116
00:07:00,260 --> 00:07:03,460
But if you really want to learn the differences between different Asian groups,

117
00:07:03,460 --> 00:07:06,020
you can tell by when they speak English. That's how you can tell.

118
00:07:06,330 --> 00:07:08,730
Now, just to get a feel for the Asians that are in the room tonight,

119
00:07:08,730 --> 00:07:11,240
Um, do we have any Vietnamese people here tonight?

120
00:07:11,240 --> 00:07:12,190
Vietnamese people?

121
00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:15,110
All right, like one guy hiding upstairs too.

122
00:07:15,110 --> 00:07:16,630
[IMITATES VIETNAMESE]
Tou mah!

123
00:07:27,060 --> 00:07:29,130
Any Koreans in the house? Koreans in the house?

124
00:07:30,090 --> 00:07:32,100
All right, that's two closed dry cleaners.

125
00:07:32,100 --> 00:07:33,380
Nice. That's uh...

126
00:07:36,560 --> 00:07:37,260
Filipinos?

127
00:07:37,260 --> 00:07:38,920
Oh, yeah, I see you right there.

128
00:07:39,390 --> 00:07:41,390
I knew you guys were Filipino right away

129
00:07:41,390 --> 00:07:42,610
'cause you keep staring at the microphone,

130
00:07:42,610 --> 00:07:44,330
like there's gonna be karaoke after the show.

131
00:07:44,330 --> 00:07:45,300
I can see it too.

132
00:07:51,220 --> 00:07:54,340
"I hope this Bombay hurries up with the show please, 'cause, uh..."

133
00:07:54,890 --> 00:07:56,070
"I want to get up there and sing."

134
00:07:56,070 --> 00:07:57,250
[IMITATES TAGALOG]
"<i>Utahkeenah</i>, hurry!"

135
00:08:02,670 --> 00:08:04,640
And Chinese people, where you at? Chinese folks?

136
00:08:07,130 --> 00:08:08,850
Nice. That's good, man.

137
00:08:08,850 --> 00:08:11,090
You can tell by when Asian groups are speaking English.

138
00:08:11,090 --> 00:08:12,500
That's how you can tell where they're from.

139
00:08:12,500 --> 00:08:13,320
I'll give you an example.

140
00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:14,600
Vietnamese people,

141
00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:15,740
you can tell when they're speaking English,

142
00:08:15,740 --> 00:08:17,670
you can tell they're Vietnamese 'cause when they speak English,

143
00:08:17,670 --> 00:08:19,230
they speak it really fast.

144
00:08:19,540 --> 00:08:20,830
Like they know it.

145
00:08:24,090 --> 00:08:25,580
But they end up speaking English so fast,

146
00:08:25,580 --> 00:08:28,290
that it ends up sounding like Vietnamese all over again.

147
00:08:29,330 --> 00:08:31,160
I got cussed out by this Vietnamese guy,

148
00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:32,370
this what he says to me, he goes,

149
00:08:32,370 --> 00:08:34,190
[IMITATES VIETNAMESE ACCENT]
"Fuck you, OK, you fucking blow job!"

150
00:08:37,380 --> 00:08:39,390
He called me a fucking blow job.

151
00:08:40,970 --> 00:08:43,289
Have you ever been called a blow job before?

152
00:08:44,179 --> 00:08:46,260
Do you realize if somebody calls you a blow job,

153
00:08:46,260 --> 00:08:48,340
there is not one good comeback...

154
00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:51,950
There's nothing you can say that will sound cool.

155
00:08:51,950 --> 00:08:53,150
"You fucking blow job!"

156
00:08:54,890 --> 00:08:55,570
"Yeah?"

157
00:08:58,550 --> 00:08:59,750
"So are you."

158
00:09:03,120 --> 00:09:04,720
That's why I like different cultures, you know.

159
00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:05,630
Different cultures,

160
00:09:05,630 --> 00:09:08,190
different words mean different things to them in English, and,

161
00:09:08,190 --> 00:09:10,100
and in their language are, you know what I mean?

162
00:09:10,100 --> 00:09:11,140
Like, I'm from Toronto.

163
00:09:11,140 --> 00:09:13,190
In Toronto, there's a Vietnamese restaurant,

164
00:09:13,190 --> 00:09:14,550
called <i>Pho Phuc Lai</i>.

165
00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:19,180
P, H, O, P, H, U, C,

166
00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:20,550
L, A, I.

167
00:09:21,110 --> 00:09:22,120
Pho Phuc Lai.

168
00:09:23,490 --> 00:09:24,820
I used to call them when I was a kid,

169
00:09:24,820 --> 00:09:26,650
just to have the guy answer the phone, you know.

170
00:09:27,830 --> 00:09:28,900
"Pho Phuc Lai."

171
00:09:30,290 --> 00:09:31,660
"Ha ha ha!"

172
00:09:39,340 --> 00:09:40,750
Pho Phuc Lai.

173
00:09:41,220 --> 00:09:43,310
Doesn't it sound like a whole new level of lying?

174
00:09:43,490 --> 00:09:45,950
"Hey, don't lie! That's a <i>pho phuc lai</i>!"

175
00:09:48,800 --> 00:09:49,930
"You fucking blow job!"

176
00:09:56,330 --> 00:09:57,970
You can tell when Koreans are speaking English,

177
00:09:57,970 --> 00:09:59,390
'cause when Korean people speak English,

178
00:09:59,390 --> 00:10:01,010
they sound like they're out of breath.

179
00:10:01,320 --> 00:10:02,400
Like they just ran a marathon.

180
00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:06,170
[BREATHING HEAVILY]

181
00:10:06,170 --> 00:10:08,530
"You don't..."

182
00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:12,190
"...make any jokes..."

183
00:10:12,190 --> 00:10:13,550
"...about..."

184
00:10:13,750 --> 00:10:16,180
"...the Koreans."

185
00:10:18,270 --> 00:10:19,320
[IMITATES ASTHMA INHALER]

186
00:10:25,820 --> 00:10:28,030
I know how to count to six in Korean.

187
00:10:28,230 --> 00:10:29,720
Not impressive, but it beats, you know,

188
00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:31,890
learning how to swear in somebody's language, you know what I mean?

189
00:10:32,060 --> 00:10:34,040
When we get mad, the first thing you do when you learn somebody's language,

190
00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:35,080
we learn how to curse, right?

191
00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:36,630
When we get mad at people when they come here,

192
00:10:36,630 --> 00:10:38,840
and the first thing they learn is how to swear at you.

193
00:10:39,180 --> 00:10:40,650
I mean, we're like, "Oh, that's so ignorant."

194
00:10:40,650 --> 00:10:43,300
Did you hear me walk into a store, going, "Hello, motherfucker."

195
00:10:44,350 --> 00:10:46,070
That's what he learned, you know what I mean?

196
00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:48,260
I learned how to count to six, it's not impressive, but...

197
00:10:48,260 --> 00:10:49,550
I learned... and I'm not being a dick,

198
00:10:49,550 --> 00:10:51,910
I really did learn how to count to six from my dry cleaner.

199
00:10:52,540 --> 00:10:54,110
I did. I will drop my shirts off,

200
00:10:54,110 --> 00:10:56,150
and then she'll count them, and I'll count along with her.

201
00:10:56,150 --> 00:10:57,250
So I learned, right? I did it.

202
00:10:57,250 --> 00:10:58,680
So, here I count to six. Ready?

203
00:10:58,680 --> 00:11:00,140
"<i>Uhrana</i>."

204
00:11:00,920 --> 00:11:02,710
"<i>Shura</i>."

205
00:11:03,340 --> 00:11:05,490
"<i>Sureeah</i>."

206
00:11:06,170 --> 00:11:07,790
"<i>Uurah</i>."

207
00:11:08,310 --> 00:11:10,070
"<i>Haibah</i>."

208
00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:11,550
"<i>Shexah</i>!"

209
00:11:15,170 --> 00:11:16,180
Shexah?

210
00:11:17,210 --> 00:11:18,400
"Are you Jewish?"

211
00:11:21,780 --> 00:11:23,630
You can tell when Chinese people are speaking English.

212
00:11:23,630 --> 00:11:24,990
When Chinese people speak English,

213
00:11:24,990 --> 00:11:26,950
it sounds like they're chopping vegetables with the words.

214
00:11:26,950 --> 00:11:27,800
You know what I mean?

215
00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:29,630
[IMITATES CHINESE ACCENT]
"You don't go nowhere quick!"

216
00:11:35,620 --> 00:11:36,900
"Don't say nothing bad!"

217
00:11:39,030 --> 00:11:39,910
"Don't say nothing what?"

218
00:11:39,910 --> 00:11:40,560
"Bad."

219
00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:43,970
How did you just make a short word even shorter?

220
00:11:50,860 --> 00:11:53,200
I learned about the cultures 'cause I travel around, you know what I mean?

221
00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:55,000
I did shows in Vietnam a few years ago.

222
00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:57,220
I had a good time in Vietnam. Vietnam is a great place.

223
00:11:57,220 --> 00:11:59,960
Hot as shit! Hot as hell in Vietnam.

224
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:01,620
Like, when an Indian guy tells you it's hot,

225
00:12:01,620 --> 00:12:03,330
trust me, it was hot!

226
00:12:04,860 --> 00:12:06,740
Good place. Nice people.

227
00:12:06,740 --> 00:12:08,610
I didn't know until I went to Vietnam,

228
00:12:08,610 --> 00:12:10,540
that you can actually use a scooter,

229
00:12:10,540 --> 00:12:11,820
as a minivan.

230
00:12:13,240 --> 00:12:14,040
I didn't know.

231
00:12:15,570 --> 00:12:18,680
You will see an entire family on a scooter.

232
00:12:19,930 --> 00:12:21,460
Like, dad will sit here, right,

233
00:12:21,460 --> 00:12:22,680
on the little piece of seat.

234
00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:24,540
And a small child will sit there.

235
00:12:24,800 --> 00:12:27,080
And then another small child will stand in front.

236
00:12:27,490 --> 00:12:30,140
And then mom will sit off to the side at the back like that.

237
00:12:30,390 --> 00:12:32,800
And then another kid will sit off to the side this way.

238
00:12:32,900 --> 00:12:34,760
And one more kid will face that way.

239
00:12:35,170 --> 00:12:36,780
And there'll be three kids doing back flips

240
00:12:36,780 --> 00:12:38,480
while he's driving on the street.

241
00:12:40,180 --> 00:12:41,130
When you saw that here,

242
00:12:41,130 --> 00:12:42,640
that'll be stuffs you see like, at the circus,

243
00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:44,240
like, "Do not attempt to do this at home,"

244
00:12:44,240 --> 00:12:46,090
"these are professional stunt drivers."

245
00:12:46,090 --> 00:12:48,600
And there will be six white guys and they'll be driving real careful.

246
00:12:50,150 --> 00:12:51,390
In Vietnam, it's the entire family.

247
00:12:51,390 --> 00:12:54,950
Dad's weaving in and out of traffic.
[IMITATES HONKING SOUND]

248
00:12:55,100 --> 00:12:57,830
Mom's on the back, eating.
[IMITATES HONKING SOUND]

249
00:13:04,170 --> 00:13:05,480
Good place, Vietnam. I did...

250
00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:07,830
And if there's any other reason to go to Vietnam,

251
00:13:07,830 --> 00:13:09,650
I'll tell you what it is. For their money.

252
00:13:09,970 --> 00:13:12,050
The money in Vietnam is dope. Do you know what it's called?

253
00:13:12,050 --> 00:13:12,930
Dong.

254
00:13:13,810 --> 00:13:15,800
That's... That's the name of their money.

255
00:13:15,800 --> 00:13:16,560
Dong.

256
00:13:16,820 --> 00:13:17,670
It's worth going there

257
00:13:17,670 --> 00:13:19,420
just to have a woman you don't know walks up and go,

258
00:13:19,420 --> 00:13:20,380
"Excuse me, sir."

259
00:13:21,220 --> 00:13:22,790
"Could you give me some dong?"

260
00:13:29,390 --> 00:13:30,690
"Yes, I can."

261
00:13:34,820 --> 00:13:37,040
"Would you like some schlong with that dong? Would you..."

262
00:13:40,860 --> 00:13:42,000
I love that term 'schlong.'

263
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:43,250
Doesn't it sound gross?

264
00:13:43,630 --> 00:13:45,780
White guys came up with that term for sure, right?

265
00:13:46,290 --> 00:13:47,490
"Hey, dude, there I was,"

266
00:13:47,490 --> 00:13:49,250
"as I whipped up my schlong."

267
00:13:50,220 --> 00:13:51,460
'Schlong.'

268
00:13:51,460 --> 00:13:52,610
Sounds wet.

269
00:13:53,680 --> 00:13:55,080
I don't even have schlong.

270
00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:56,500
You know, I got a slurt.

271
00:13:57,370 --> 00:13:58,140
I got uh...

272
00:14:00,410 --> 00:14:02,490
Hey, dude, the show's up here, okay?

273
00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:12,090
"I'm not a piece of meat."

274
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:21,170
Went to China last year, mainland.

275
00:14:21,170 --> 00:14:22,500
Chinese people, where are you? Right there?

276
00:14:22,500 --> 00:14:23,290
You're over there?

277
00:14:24,180 --> 00:14:25,410
You're over here too. Look at that.

278
00:14:25,410 --> 00:14:26,910
- You Chinese too, bro?
- Yeah.

279
00:14:26,910 --> 00:14:28,710
Yeah? You looked upset about that.

280
00:14:29,950 --> 00:14:31,360
"You Chinese too?" He was like, "Yeah..."

281
00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:35,700
"I try to do this a lot, but it doesn't work."

282
00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:39,980
"Now I'm a Powrish."

283
00:14:46,150 --> 00:14:47,530
What's you name, Chinese guy?

284
00:14:47,870 --> 00:14:48,460
I'm Vincent.

285
00:14:48,670 --> 00:14:50,960
Vincent, that's what I thought when I looked at you, I was like,

286
00:14:51,590 --> 00:14:53,590
That guy there is Vincent.

287
00:14:54,330 --> 00:14:55,860
Do you have a Chinese name as well, Vincent?

288
00:14:55,860 --> 00:14:56,230
Yeah.

289
00:14:56,230 --> 00:14:57,190
What is it, Vincent?

290
00:14:57,190 --> 00:14:58,160
Uh, Liung Ay Hyung.

291
00:14:58,160 --> 00:15:00,560
Oh, slow down, hammer. I'm not Chinese, you know what I mean?

292
00:15:03,060 --> 00:15:04,770
You ain't got to say it all proper for me.

293
00:15:04,770 --> 00:15:06,040
[IMITATES CHINESE ACCENT]
"Tung Lor Deah."

294
00:15:06,430 --> 00:15:07,830
"Oh, really?"
You know.

295
00:15:08,770 --> 00:15:10,090
Say it again, Vincent. Go ahead, buddy.

296
00:15:10,090 --> 00:15:11,020
Liung Ay Hyung.

297
00:15:11,020 --> 00:15:12,430
Leong Eey Hung?

298
00:15:14,630 --> 00:15:16,590
You just made shit up. I could tell right there.

299
00:15:17,790 --> 00:15:19,260
He was like swallowing or something.

300
00:15:19,260 --> 00:15:20,400
Ong Ah...

301
00:15:21,110 --> 00:15:22,020
Ah.

302
00:15:23,060 --> 00:15:24,940
And you're Chinese as well? So what's your name?

303
00:15:25,090 --> 00:15:25,580
Catherine.

304
00:15:25,710 --> 00:15:27,530
Catherine, yes, absolutely.

305
00:15:28,590 --> 00:15:30,060
You know those Chinese couples,

306
00:15:30,060 --> 00:15:31,680
Catherine and Vincent?

307
00:15:35,430 --> 00:15:37,070
You have a Chinese name too, Catherine?

308
00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:38,800
Is yours as confusing as Vincent's?

309
00:15:39,290 --> 00:15:40,210
What is it? Go ahead.

310
00:15:40,210 --> 00:15:41,260
Giu Lay Mi.

311
00:15:41,390 --> 00:15:42,660
Giu Lay Moy.

312
00:15:44,580 --> 00:15:45,760
"Do I like your what?"

313
00:15:47,620 --> 00:15:48,950
"Giu lie moy."

314
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:51,300
"Tits."

315
00:16:00,250 --> 00:16:01,470
Giu Lie Moy.

316
00:16:02,370 --> 00:16:04,140
That sounds sexy, man.

317
00:16:04,540 --> 00:16:06,890
But that's one of those names you brag about to your friend,

318
00:16:06,890 --> 00:16:07,850
you know what I mean?

319
00:16:07,850 --> 00:16:10,060
Like if I said, "Yeah, man, I banged this chick named Catherine."

320
00:16:10,060 --> 00:16:11,900
My friends will be like, "Oh, who cares?" You know?

321
00:16:11,900 --> 00:16:13,980
If I was like "Yo, I banged this chick named Giu Lay Moy."

322
00:16:15,170 --> 00:16:17,020
"Did you videotape this shit? Did you..."

323
00:16:18,570 --> 00:16:20,050
"Man, it's exotic!"

324
00:16:22,850 --> 00:16:24,810
Where are your family-- where are your families from?

325
00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:25,730
The bay area.

326
00:16:25,730 --> 00:16:27,580
The bay area. That's what I thought when I looked at you.

327
00:16:27,580 --> 00:16:28,380
I uh...

328
00:16:29,020 --> 00:16:30,090
But, before that?

329
00:16:31,790 --> 00:16:32,710
Uh, East Canton.

330
00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:34,050
- Hong Kong?
- Yeah.

331
00:16:34,050 --> 00:16:35,350
- And you too?
- China.

332
00:16:35,350 --> 00:16:36,960
- China. Mainland?
- Yeah.

333
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:37,920
What part?

334
00:16:38,460 --> 00:16:39,410
You don't know.

335
00:16:40,190 --> 00:16:41,830
You just accepted it at face value?

336
00:16:41,830 --> 00:16:43,140
"Mom, dad, where are you from?"

337
00:16:43,140 --> 00:16:43,890
"China."

338
00:16:51,210 --> 00:16:51,920
"What part?"

339
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:52,840
"Downtown."

340
00:17:01,390 --> 00:17:02,790
"Downtown China."

341
00:17:03,570 --> 00:17:05,440
"Okay, Catherine? No more question."

342
00:17:12,619 --> 00:17:14,790
Can you speak Mandarin or Cantonese or anything?

343
00:17:15,119 --> 00:17:15,630
Cantonese?

344
00:17:15,630 --> 00:17:19,099
So they're from obviously a Cantonese part of mainland China, see?

345
00:17:21,380 --> 00:17:22,560
See how I did it?

346
00:17:23,530 --> 00:17:25,730
And obviously you speak Cantonese, right, Vincent?

347
00:17:25,730 --> 00:17:27,250
'Cause your parents are from Hong Kong.

348
00:17:27,250 --> 00:17:28,530
See, I know the difference.

349
00:17:28,530 --> 00:17:29,290
People don't know the difference.

350
00:17:29,290 --> 00:17:31,250
People just think, "Oh, Chinese people speak Chinese,"

351
00:17:31,250 --> 00:17:33,980
which is pretty ignorant 'cause there's no language called Chinese.

352
00:17:33,980 --> 00:17:35,190
It's like when people come up to me and they're like,

353
00:17:35,190 --> 00:17:37,580
"Hey, Russell, how do you say 'hi' in Indian?"

354
00:17:39,270 --> 00:17:40,960
I'm like, "Well, there's no language called Indian,"

355
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:42,170
"so I don't know if you're asking me."

356
00:17:42,290 --> 00:17:43,840
"All right, smart ass."

357
00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:48,530
"How do they say 'hello' in India?"

358
00:17:49,410 --> 00:17:49,970
Like this.

359
00:17:49,970 --> 00:17:51,700
[IMITATES INDIAN ACCENT]
"Hellooo!"

360
00:18:01,900 --> 00:18:03,100
Just to clear it up, if you don't know,

361
00:18:03,100 --> 00:18:05,450
there's the two main languages in the Chinese culture. They...

362
00:18:05,450 --> 00:18:06,970
Cantonese and Mandarin,

363
00:18:06,970 --> 00:18:09,050
And then they have a bunch of, like, small village languages

364
00:18:09,050 --> 00:18:10,120
that even other Chinese people go,

365
00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:11,600
"I don't know what she's saying."

366
00:18:15,840 --> 00:18:18,440
And Cantonese they speak in Hong Kong,

367
00:18:18,440 --> 00:18:19,850
for the most part, and in

368
00:18:19,850 --> 00:18:22,540
and in mainland China, like around Beijing and Shanghai and those areas,

369
00:18:22,540 --> 00:18:23,490
they speak Mandarin.

370
00:18:23,490 --> 00:18:24,870
And now, if you're thinking,

371
00:18:24,870 --> 00:18:27,180
if you're picturing somebody speaking Chinese in your head,

372
00:18:27,180 --> 00:18:28,340
and it sounds really funny,

373
00:18:28,340 --> 00:18:29,800
you're picturing Cantonese.

374
00:18:30,780 --> 00:18:34,000
because Cantonese is the funnier sounding out of the two languages, isn't it?

375
00:18:34,000 --> 00:18:35,970
It's the more flamboyant, you know what I mean?

376
00:18:35,970 --> 00:18:38,200
It's the one with the extended-sounding words, you know.

377
00:18:38,200 --> 00:18:40,740
[IMITATES CANTONESE]
"Tung maaaahh!"

378
00:18:41,890 --> 00:18:43,980
Like when I was in Hong Kong I heard people speaking Cantonese,

379
00:18:43,980 --> 00:18:45,980
and that was the funniest shit I've heard in my life.

380
00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:47,540
'Cause sometimes they speak,

381
00:18:47,540 --> 00:18:49,150
and it sounds like they're falling off a cliff, you know?

382
00:18:49,150 --> 00:18:52,300
[IMITATES CANTONESE]
"Tung Laaaahhhh!"

383
00:18:56,610 --> 00:18:58,060
And if you're not familiar with their languages,

384
00:18:58,060 --> 00:19:00,700
we wouldn't even know if somebody wasn't speaking Cantonese properly.

385
00:19:00,700 --> 00:19:03,090
I wouldn't even know if the guy was stuttering when he's speaking Cantonese,

386
00:19:03,090 --> 00:19:03,730
you know what I mean?

387
00:19:03,730 --> 00:19:05,520
He will be stuttering his ass and we wouldn't know.

388
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:08,290
[IMITATES STUTTERING CANTONESE]

389
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:11,760
[IMITATES STUTTERING CANTONESE]

390
00:19:13,050 --> 00:19:15,590
[IMITATES STUTTERING CANTONESE]

391
00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:19,490
[IMITATES STUTTERING CANTONESE]

392
00:19:20,310 --> 00:19:21,440
You just walk away from that guy,

393
00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:23,180
"He's speaking his ass off over there. He's..."

394
00:19:28,140 --> 00:19:30,680
But Cantonese is the more fun sounding language,

395
00:19:30,680 --> 00:19:31,420
you know what I mean?

396
00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:33,980
I remember when I was in Hong Kong, I woke up in the morning in the hotel,

397
00:19:33,980 --> 00:19:35,830
I was yawning and I'm walking to the lobby,

398
00:19:35,830 --> 00:19:37,200
apparently I say some shit in Chinese.

399
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:38,180
I have no clue.

400
00:19:38,430 --> 00:19:40,180
I'm walking through and all I was like,

401
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:41,780
"Oohh, aahh!"

402
00:19:42,090 --> 00:19:43,210
And the hotel manager ran out,

403
00:19:43,210 --> 00:19:46,030
"Hey, asshole! You don't swear in the hotel, okay?"

404
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:47,990
"You watch your mouth!"

405
00:19:48,700 --> 00:19:49,790
"Be a man!"

406
00:20:02,110 --> 00:20:04,490
But it's a very fun sounding language, you know what I mean?

407
00:20:05,810 --> 00:20:07,490
Now, Mandarin, which they speak in Beijing,

408
00:20:07,490 --> 00:20:10,340
and I had the chance to go to mainland China last year.

409
00:20:10,340 --> 00:20:12,320
I learned the difference between the Cantonese and Mandarin,

410
00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:13,590
and I'll help you with it right now.

411
00:20:13,590 --> 00:20:14,770
Mandarin, you'll know right away,

412
00:20:14,770 --> 00:20:16,080
now that you know what Cantonese sounds like.

413
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:17,540
You'll know right away if somebody was speaking Mandarin,

414
00:20:17,540 --> 00:20:18,870
'cause it's way different.

415
00:20:18,870 --> 00:20:20,930
It sounds way more chilled out, you know what I mean?

416
00:20:20,930 --> 00:20:21,990
It's a little bit more relaxed.

417
00:20:21,990 --> 00:20:23,190
It sounds a little bit more aggressive,

418
00:20:23,190 --> 00:20:25,220
'cause it sounds like they're grinding their teeth when they're speaking.

419
00:20:25,220 --> 00:20:26,990
Especially in Beijing, when they talk, they have that...

420
00:20:26,990 --> 00:20:29,010
[IMITATES MANDARIN]
"Hao hao, se, se, sur."

421
00:20:30,090 --> 00:20:32,810
[IMITATES MANDARIN]

422
00:20:33,230 --> 00:20:36,080
[IMITATES MANDARIN]
"Sur, you son of a bitch!" Like that.

423
00:20:41,140 --> 00:20:42,920
Much very different, you know what I mean?

424
00:20:43,280 --> 00:20:44,550
And in Mandarin, they have...

425
00:20:44,550 --> 00:20:45,810
You know when you're speaking English,

426
00:20:45,810 --> 00:20:47,540
we have words that we use to stall,

427
00:20:47,540 --> 00:20:48,820
'till we get to the next word.

428
00:20:48,820 --> 00:20:50,270
Little shit words we shove into a sentence,

429
00:20:50,270 --> 00:20:52,320
words like 'like,' or 'um,' or

430
00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:54,540
'you know,' 'but uh,'

431
00:20:54,540 --> 00:20:57,160
'sort of,' 'like, you know,'

432
00:20:57,480 --> 00:20:59,010
'but you know.'

433
00:20:59,310 --> 00:21:01,510
Just little crappy words that we shove into sentence,

434
00:21:01,510 --> 00:21:03,280
while we're thinking up the next word, you know what I mean?

435
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:04,220
To stall.

436
00:21:04,220 --> 00:21:06,730
Well, in Mandarin they have one word that they love to use,

437
00:21:06,730 --> 00:21:08,670
and it sounds really messed up in English.

438
00:21:09,020 --> 00:21:10,200
But this... You know what I'm saying.

439
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:11,130
This Chinese guy's like,

440
00:21:11,130 --> 00:21:12,940
"I know! I know! I know the word."

441
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:15,570
So you know I'm not making it up, right?

442
00:21:15,570 --> 00:21:16,330
This is the word.

443
00:21:16,330 --> 00:21:17,520
All I hear while I'm in Beijing,

444
00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:19,140
people talking, all I'm hearing is uh...

445
00:21:19,140 --> 00:21:21,600
[IMITATES MANDARIN]

446
00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:22,960
[IMITATES MANDARIN]
"Neegah..."

447
00:21:26,970 --> 00:21:29,870
"Neegah..."

448
00:21:30,160 --> 00:21:34,460
"Neegah, neegah, neegah..."

449
00:21:36,270 --> 00:21:37,620
That's their word!

450
00:21:38,210 --> 00:21:40,010
Now this is a true story.

451
00:21:40,980 --> 00:21:43,210
I was at KFC in Beijing.

452
00:21:45,970 --> 00:21:47,560
'Cause I went to China

453
00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:49,640
to eat Kentucky Fried Chicken, right? So...

454
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:52,090
I'm at KFC in Beijing,

455
00:21:52,090 --> 00:21:53,330
I'm standing in line,

456
00:21:53,330 --> 00:21:55,050
and standing in line in front of me

457
00:21:55,050 --> 00:21:56,150
is a black woman.

458
00:21:56,710 --> 00:21:58,280
I did not put her there.

459
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:02,700
She was there. I swear, you can't make this shit up.

460
00:22:03,580 --> 00:22:06,670
As I'm standing in line, there's this black woman standing in line in front of me.

461
00:22:07,020 --> 00:22:08,920
The only black woman in China,

462
00:22:10,780 --> 00:22:12,460
and she found the chicken, that's all I'm saying.

463
00:22:12,460 --> 00:22:13,720
All right? That's all I'm saying.

464
00:22:18,110 --> 00:22:20,260
I don't make the stereotypes, I just see them.

465
00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:25,440
So I'm standing in line, and this black woman is standing in front of me,

466
00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:26,750
and she's a Nigerian woman.

467
00:22:26,750 --> 00:22:28,090
I know she's Nigerian,

468
00:22:28,090 --> 00:22:31,050
'cause she's having a tough time with the menu and she keeps looking at me.

469
00:22:32,210 --> 00:22:33,960
[IMITATES NIGERIAN ACCENT]
"I don't know what to order."

470
00:22:35,820 --> 00:22:38,000
I'm like, "Look at the menu!"
Right? So...

471
00:22:42,020 --> 00:22:44,990
She's like "Eh!"ing and "Oh!"ing and everything's okay then, right? So...

472
00:22:45,300 --> 00:22:47,280
I said "You should try the popcorn !Xhicken."

473
00:22:47,730 --> 00:22:48,450
So...

474
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:53,700
So I was standing in line, right?

475
00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:56,630
And this little Chinese kid runs in with his mom,

476
00:22:56,630 --> 00:22:58,320
and he runs to the front of the counter, right?

477
00:22:58,430 --> 00:23:00,760
And he's looking at the menu trying to figure out what he wants to eat,

478
00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:02,280
now his mom's standing over there,

479
00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:04,050
and the Nigerian woman's standing right here.

480
00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:06,160
And he's trying to tell his mom what he wants to eat,

481
00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:07,260
but he's not really sure.

482
00:23:07,260 --> 00:23:09,020
So all you see happening is uh...

483
00:23:09,020 --> 00:23:10,950
[IMITATES MANDARIN]

484
00:23:10,950 --> 00:23:12,480
"Neegah..."

485
00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:15,550
"Neegah..."

486
00:23:16,310 --> 00:23:18,620
"Neegah..."

487
00:23:19,700 --> 00:23:21,260
And the Nigerian woman looks at me,

488
00:23:21,260 --> 00:23:23,660
like I'm supposed to beat the shit out of this kid, right?

489
00:23:24,150 --> 00:23:25,810
"Why don't you hit him?"

490
00:23:26,910 --> 00:23:29,030
I'm like, "Here's a straw. Get him yourself."

491
00:23:29,820 --> 00:23:30,430
[BLOWGUN SOUND]

492
00:23:47,180 --> 00:23:48,090
I had a good time in China.

493
00:23:48,090 --> 00:23:50,380
You know what sucked, though, when I went to China?

494
00:23:50,380 --> 00:23:51,120
I'm not making this up.

495
00:23:51,120 --> 00:23:53,570
The airline lost my suitcase

496
00:23:53,570 --> 00:23:54,840
on the way to China.

497
00:23:56,360 --> 00:23:57,270
<i>On the way</i>.

498
00:23:58,170 --> 00:24:00,330
How do you lose shit on the way to somewhere?

499
00:24:01,130 --> 00:24:03,740
I get to China, I have nothing with me, right?

500
00:24:04,330 --> 00:24:05,560
'Cause they lost my suitcase.

501
00:24:05,560 --> 00:24:06,580
So I get to China,

502
00:24:06,580 --> 00:24:07,890
all I had with me, 'cause I'm an idiot,

503
00:24:07,890 --> 00:24:09,220
all I had was my hand luggage,

504
00:24:09,220 --> 00:24:12,290
and in my hand luggage, all I packed was a portable DVD player,

505
00:24:12,290 --> 00:24:15,610
a Discman, some CDs, some DVDs, some magazines.

506
00:24:15,610 --> 00:24:16,950
'Cause I figured long trip like that

507
00:24:16,950 --> 00:24:18,090
I want to be entertained.

508
00:24:18,090 --> 00:24:22,780
And then my underwear and my socks and my toothbrush and my deodorant--

509
00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:25,260
My deodorant...

510
00:24:26,350 --> 00:24:29,480
will be in my suitcase which will meet me in China,

511
00:24:29,480 --> 00:24:32,340
which never met me in China.

512
00:24:33,410 --> 00:24:35,790
And I got to be honest with you, as a brown man,

513
00:24:37,020 --> 00:24:38,730
we need our deodorant, all right?

514
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:41,330
Don't give me the look, 'cause you know you need it.

515
00:24:41,330 --> 00:24:43,690
Don't walk around, "No, no, I'm good, I'm just... I'm good."

516
00:24:43,690 --> 00:24:44,280
No, no, no.

517
00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:46,820
You need the fucking deodorant, all right? That's what you need.

518
00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:52,140
Because the rumors are already...

519
00:24:52,140 --> 00:24:54,470
people have already said, "Oh, Indian people, they stink!"

520
00:24:54,700 --> 00:24:56,040
Let me tell you something, Indian people don't stink.

521
00:24:56,040 --> 00:24:58,040
Let me tell you what happens to my people.

522
00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:01,870
We expire

523
00:25:03,220 --> 00:25:04,820
quicker than other people.

524
00:25:05,760 --> 00:25:07,560
And after 25 hours on a plane,

525
00:25:07,560 --> 00:25:09,730
I was thoroughly expired.

526
00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:14,070
I stunk so bad, I walked into the airport in Beijing,

527
00:25:14,070 --> 00:25:15,160
Chinese people there were going,

528
00:25:15,160 --> 00:25:16,600
"Oh, God, you stink."

529
00:25:17,970 --> 00:25:19,170
"You're from India."

530
00:25:20,760 --> 00:25:21,940
"Well, go to hell!"

531
00:25:22,980 --> 00:25:24,340
"I'm from Canada."

532
00:25:26,080 --> 00:25:28,110
"That's how Canadians smell."

533
00:25:33,340 --> 00:25:35,800
So now, I have a show that night and I have no clothes,

534
00:25:35,800 --> 00:25:37,220
and I'm wearing sweatpants, sweatshirt,

535
00:25:37,220 --> 00:25:38,660
baseball hat, running shoes, you know what I mean?

536
00:25:38,660 --> 00:25:40,420
I'm... I'm dressed for comfort.

537
00:25:40,420 --> 00:25:41,530
I can't go on stage like that,

538
00:25:41,530 --> 00:25:43,220
so I have to go to this mall in Beijing

539
00:25:43,220 --> 00:25:44,430
to go buy some clothes.

540
00:25:44,780 --> 00:25:46,430
Now, I didn't know this until I got there,

541
00:25:46,430 --> 00:25:47,990
but apparently in China,

542
00:25:47,990 --> 00:25:49,900
I'm Shaquile O'Neal.

543
00:25:56,150 --> 00:25:57,990
I go to the mall, I walk into the store, I'm like,

544
00:25:57,990 --> 00:26:00,210
"Hey, do you have 10.5 or 11 on that shoes?"

545
00:26:00,210 --> 00:26:01,140
"Uh, no."

546
00:26:02,710 --> 00:26:03,930
"How about an eight?"

547
00:26:08,940 --> 00:26:11,080
"How about I can't negotiate my foot size with you?"

548
00:26:11,080 --> 00:26:11,880
How about that?

549
00:26:15,900 --> 00:26:18,070
"Alright, how about a 36 on those pants?"

550
00:26:18,070 --> 00:26:20,210
"36 is too big!"

551
00:26:21,670 --> 00:26:22,750
"You're too fat!"

552
00:26:23,660 --> 00:26:25,470
"Lose some weight, fat boy!"

553
00:26:26,660 --> 00:26:29,860
"Come back when you're 30, 32 the most."

554
00:26:30,810 --> 00:26:32,560
I'm like, "How can I not find clothes in China?"

555
00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:34,290
"Isn't everything made there?"

556
00:26:45,500 --> 00:26:47,020
All in all, a good trip, though.

557
00:26:49,170 --> 00:26:51,380
I did so much traveling, my passport expired last summer,

558
00:26:51,380 --> 00:26:52,970
I had to renew my passport.

559
00:26:52,970 --> 00:26:55,010
I don't know about it in America, but in Canada,

560
00:26:55,010 --> 00:26:56,600
when you do passport photos,

561
00:26:56,600 --> 00:26:58,140
you're not allowed to smile.

562
00:26:58,470 --> 00:27:00,450
That's the new rule. You're not allowed to smile.

563
00:27:00,450 --> 00:27:02,740
This is their way of fighting terrorism.

564
00:27:03,590 --> 00:27:05,300
This is how they're gonna catch the terrorists.

565
00:27:05,300 --> 00:27:06,510
You can't smile.

566
00:27:06,760 --> 00:27:08,570
That's the message we're sending you. If you can,

567
00:27:08,570 --> 00:27:11,010
If you're traveling, you'd better not be happy.

568
00:27:12,210 --> 00:27:14,020
I didn't know, right? I'm in the mall,

569
00:27:14,020 --> 00:27:16,680
I walked into one of those places that says "We do passport photos,"

570
00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:18,530
I walked in, I'm like, "Yo, I need some passport photos."

571
00:27:18,530 --> 00:27:20,960
The guy goes "No problem, buddy. Sit down."

572
00:27:21,850 --> 00:27:22,830
Which really pissed me off,

573
00:27:22,830 --> 00:27:23,640
cause he's a white guy,

574
00:27:23,640 --> 00:27:25,510
and I don't know why he's talking like that, right? So...

575
00:27:28,340 --> 00:27:29,940
I think he was mocking me.

576
00:27:31,750 --> 00:27:33,330
So I sit down.
The guy goes "You ready?"

577
00:27:33,330 --> 00:27:34,030
I go, "Yeah."

578
00:27:34,030 --> 00:27:36,110
It's a picture, and I'm a happy guy,

579
00:27:36,110 --> 00:27:37,310
so I figured, alright.

580
00:27:37,310 --> 00:27:39,310
He goes, "You ready?" And I smiled, I'm like this.

581
00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:42,880
The guy goes, "Sir, sir."

582
00:27:43,640 --> 00:27:45,430
"Your lips need to be touching."

583
00:27:48,910 --> 00:27:49,890
"Alright."

584
00:27:57,860 --> 00:28:00,800
"Sir. Sir, you can't smile."

585
00:28:01,080 --> 00:28:03,440
Not like that, I can't smile. Of course I'm...

586
00:28:03,440 --> 00:28:04,220
That's their way.

587
00:28:04,220 --> 00:28:06,140
This is how they really think they're going to find the terrorist.

588
00:28:06,140 --> 00:28:08,180
It's by making you not smile.

589
00:28:08,180 --> 00:28:09,530
You wanna find the terrorist?

590
00:28:09,530 --> 00:28:10,780
Make everybody smile.

591
00:28:11,140 --> 00:28:12,680
And the people who don't want to smile?

592
00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:13,980
Question them!

593
00:28:14,860 --> 00:28:16,510
Whenever you've been watching CNN,

594
00:28:16,510 --> 00:28:18,540
and they show you the terrorists that they're looking for,

595
00:28:18,540 --> 00:28:19,550
and those guys are happy?

596
00:28:19,550 --> 00:28:20,350
Never!

597
00:28:21,220 --> 00:28:23,830
Sir, you never see like a shot of a terrorist stand around, going,

598
00:28:27,620 --> 00:28:29,560
You know, there's never the one joker terrorist guy

599
00:28:29,560 --> 00:28:30,620
with his thumb on the detonator,

600
00:28:30,620 --> 00:28:31,920
"I'll do it! I'll do it!"

601
00:28:32,420 --> 00:28:35,550
"I'll... Ah, you flinched, you bastard! I saw you flinched!"

602
00:28:41,370 --> 00:28:42,720
So I wasn't allowed to smile.

603
00:28:42,720 --> 00:28:44,320
So now, if it wasn't bad enough

604
00:28:44,320 --> 00:28:46,280
being a brown man, going to the airport,

605
00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:48,760
now when I give them my passport, I look pissed off.

606
00:28:49,970 --> 00:28:51,740
My picture in my passport looks like this.

607
00:28:55,960 --> 00:28:56,670
They're taking my passport,

608
00:28:56,670 --> 00:28:58,990
"Now, Mr. Peters, step this way, please."

609
00:28:59,890 --> 00:29:01,520
"We'd like a few words with you."

610
00:29:02,480 --> 00:29:04,620
It's hard, man. The security at the airport,

611
00:29:04,620 --> 00:29:05,860
the Custom, Immigration,

612
00:29:05,860 --> 00:29:08,750
they really need to learn the difference between a terrorist

613
00:29:08,750 --> 00:29:09,700
and an Indian.

614
00:29:10,590 --> 00:29:12,030
We're not the same!

615
00:29:13,230 --> 00:29:14,080
We're not!

616
00:29:17,520 --> 00:29:19,180
We're not from the same part of the world,

617
00:29:19,180 --> 00:29:22,100
we don't speak the same language, we don't eat the same food.

618
00:29:22,100 --> 00:29:24,450
We don't even hate the same people.

619
00:29:25,950 --> 00:29:28,090
Terrorists hate Americans.

620
00:29:28,090 --> 00:29:30,220
Indians hate each other.

621
00:29:35,220 --> 00:29:37,320
A terrorist will blow up an airport.

622
00:29:37,580 --> 00:29:40,130
Indians like to work at the airport.

623
00:29:41,990 --> 00:29:43,980
"That will be counter-productive."

624
00:29:48,990 --> 00:29:51,870
I know a lot of white people are nervous about flying nowadays,

625
00:29:51,870 --> 00:29:53,440
I understand to a certain degree,

626
00:29:53,440 --> 00:29:56,110
but I had one white guy like, "No, man. I don't fly anymore."

627
00:29:56,690 --> 00:29:58,690
"You never know what shit's gonna go down up there."

628
00:29:59,540 --> 00:30:02,090
I'm like, "What? Nothing's going down up there, dude."

629
00:30:02,290 --> 00:30:03,730
"Yeah, well, you never know."

630
00:30:05,010 --> 00:30:07,590
And I understand, you know what I mean? You're a little panicked a little bit,

631
00:30:07,590 --> 00:30:09,270
but think about it reasonably, you know what I mean?

632
00:30:09,270 --> 00:30:10,450
Think about it logically.

633
00:30:10,450 --> 00:30:12,170
Think about what airline you're getting on.

634
00:30:12,170 --> 00:30:14,990
Where you're getting on the plane, where you're flying to, you know what I mean?

635
00:30:14,990 --> 00:30:17,500
That all factors in your whole terrorist theory.

636
00:30:17,870 --> 00:30:19,760
I was on a JetBlue flight.

637
00:30:20,920 --> 00:30:22,850
See? JetBlue is funny enough.

638
00:30:24,680 --> 00:30:28,000
I was on a JetBlue flight from Buffalo, New York to La Guardia.

639
00:30:28,020 --> 00:30:29,940
It was like a 30-seat plane.

640
00:30:30,090 --> 00:30:30,740
[WITH INDIAN ACCENT]
Plane.

641
00:30:32,080 --> 00:30:34,240
Oh my God, my Indian Tourette is acting up.

642
00:30:35,390 --> 00:30:36,910
"30-seat plane."

643
00:30:42,970 --> 00:30:44,390
We all go through it.

644
00:30:46,460 --> 00:30:48,270
So I get on board this little plane.

645
00:30:48,270 --> 00:30:49,950
It's a 45 minute flight.

646
00:30:49,950 --> 00:30:51,100
I walked on board,

647
00:30:51,100 --> 00:30:53,340
this older white lady sees me, grabs her bag, goes

648
00:30:53,340 --> 00:30:54,750
"Oh, my God!"

649
00:30:56,330 --> 00:30:57,580
I'm like, "What?"

650
00:30:58,300 --> 00:30:59,960
"You think I'm a terrorist?"

651
00:31:00,440 --> 00:31:02,430
"On freaking JetBlue?"

652
00:31:03,780 --> 00:31:06,280
"What am I? The low self-esteem terrorist?"

653
00:31:09,410 --> 00:31:11,640
"Yeah, I don't want to kill a lot of us today,"

654
00:31:12,190 --> 00:31:14,010
"tought I start off with 30."

655
00:31:14,410 --> 00:31:16,250
"Tomorrow, Southwest."

656
00:31:21,420 --> 00:31:23,990
Just think about it logically, you know.

657
00:31:29,040 --> 00:31:31,670
I was on a flight like two weeks after 9-11,

658
00:31:31,670 --> 00:31:34,410
I sat down beside this white guy, he almost shit his pants.

659
00:31:35,290 --> 00:31:36,570
I sat down, the guy goes like this.

660
00:31:36,740 --> 00:31:38,760
[BREATHING NERVOUSLY]

661
00:31:43,140 --> 00:31:45,270
About half an hour into the flight, I reached for my bag,

662
00:31:45,270 --> 00:31:47,160
the guy goes, "Oh my God! No!"

663
00:31:48,860 --> 00:31:51,140
"What? Relax, you jackass."

664
00:31:52,870 --> 00:31:54,290
"Just getting my Discman."

665
00:31:56,330 --> 00:31:58,070
"Gotta listen to my instructions."

666
00:32:10,670 --> 00:32:12,000
Glad Latinos are here, man.

667
00:32:12,000 --> 00:32:13,490
All six of you.

668
00:32:14,330 --> 00:32:15,930
You full Latino? You half?

669
00:32:16,150 --> 00:32:16,850
What are you?

670
00:32:17,090 --> 00:32:18,300
He does this. Half.

671
00:32:19,250 --> 00:32:20,100
That's half?

672
00:32:20,890 --> 00:32:21,970
That's how you cut him.

673
00:32:23,060 --> 00:32:24,410
What are you? What's your mix?

674
00:32:24,410 --> 00:32:25,870
Uh, Puerto Rican and black.

675
00:32:26,160 --> 00:32:27,300
Puerto Rican and black.

676
00:32:27,720 --> 00:32:29,770
That's not far off. They're from New York, your parents?

677
00:32:30,790 --> 00:32:31,430
One is.

678
00:32:31,750 --> 00:32:33,280
One is? Which one?

679
00:32:33,760 --> 00:32:34,610
Puerto Rican?

680
00:32:35,490 --> 00:32:36,450
Is he really?

681
00:32:36,740 --> 00:32:39,020
Nice. a Puerto Rican and black. That's cool, man.

682
00:32:39,170 --> 00:32:41,510
We don't-- we don't have any Puerto Ricans in Canada.

683
00:32:41,510 --> 00:32:43,570
We don't have any Mexican. Any Mexican people here?

684
00:32:44,780 --> 00:32:46,040
You? One guy's like...

685
00:32:49,200 --> 00:32:50,170
Are you full Mexican?

686
00:32:50,170 --> 00:32:50,520
Yup.

687
00:32:50,640 --> 00:32:51,950
Nice. What's your name?

688
00:32:52,010 --> 00:32:52,370
Jose.

689
00:32:52,510 --> 00:32:54,060
Jose? Wow, just...

690
00:33:00,000 --> 00:33:02,020
just in case we didn't believe him, you know?

691
00:33:08,760 --> 00:33:09,820
I like the Mexicans.

692
00:33:09,820 --> 00:33:11,600
Well, there's no Mexicans in Canada either, man.

693
00:33:11,600 --> 00:33:13,750
There's none. There's no Mexicans in Canada.

694
00:33:13,750 --> 00:33:15,280
You should see how messed up our lawns are.

695
00:33:15,790 --> 00:33:16,660
Now, uh...

696
00:33:19,600 --> 00:33:21,180
What? All of a sudden everybody got sensitive.

697
00:33:21,180 --> 00:33:22,910
"Oh, hey! That's not..."

698
00:33:25,510 --> 00:33:26,560
"Everybody else, it's fine."

699
00:33:26,560 --> 00:33:28,640
"But you don't say shit about the lawn."

700
00:33:33,140 --> 00:33:34,600
It's funny how defensive they got for you.

701
00:33:34,600 --> 00:33:36,340
You see that, Jose? They got your back.

702
00:33:39,210 --> 00:33:40,800
No Mexican. I wish we had Mexicans,

703
00:33:40,800 --> 00:33:42,630
but we got a lot of-- we got-- we got Latinos,

704
00:33:42,630 --> 00:33:44,760
but we got a lot of South Americans, you know what I mean? All the,

705
00:33:44,760 --> 00:33:46,670
like, Chileans and all the,

706
00:33:46,670 --> 00:33:50,350
all the, uh, Uruguay and all the soccer countries. You know what I mean?

707
00:33:50,350 --> 00:33:51,230
We got all them.

708
00:33:52,430 --> 00:33:54,450
But, see, I live in LA now.

709
00:33:54,450 --> 00:33:56,250
And in LA there are a lot of Mexicans,

710
00:33:56,250 --> 00:33:58,390
and one of my good friends, Jesus,

711
00:33:58,550 --> 00:33:59,330
"<i>Hay-soos</i>."

712
00:33:59,930 --> 00:34:02,490
It's just cool to hang around a guy named Jesus, you know what I mean? That's...

713
00:34:02,940 --> 00:34:04,580
"Who's your friend?"
"The son of God."

714
00:34:04,580 --> 00:34:05,420
That's uh...

715
00:34:09,800 --> 00:34:11,480
I like hanging around Jesus, man.

716
00:34:11,480 --> 00:34:13,909
'Cause Mexican, Latinos in general are very proud people,

717
00:34:13,909 --> 00:34:14,560
you know what I mean?

718
00:34:14,719 --> 00:34:17,090
You don't ever mess up anything Spanish around them.

719
00:34:17,090 --> 00:34:19,710
They get very upset, like you're supposed to know how to say their shit.

720
00:34:20,500 --> 00:34:22,190
I'm like, "Jesus, I'm gonna go get a burrito, man."

721
00:34:22,190 --> 00:34:22,909
"Hey!"

722
00:34:24,060 --> 00:34:26,110
"It's <i>Buh-ree-toh</i>."

723
00:34:29,639 --> 00:34:32,840
"Holy shit. I'm <i>sorryto</i>, OK?"

724
00:34:38,820 --> 00:34:41,000
The Latinos in Canada is trying to play that, see?

725
00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:43,989
The guys in the, the Mexican cats in LA, they all play that--"

726
00:34:43,989 --> 00:34:46,260
a lot of them play that hardcore cholo thing, you know?

727
00:34:46,260 --> 00:34:47,500
That whole gangster thing.

728
00:34:47,500 --> 00:34:49,719
"Hey, ese, I want to talk to you for a minute. Eh, fucker?"

729
00:34:54,230 --> 00:34:55,590
They play it hard, you know? They--

730
00:34:55,590 --> 00:34:56,860
They got that intensity about them.

731
00:34:56,860 --> 00:34:57,940
Even Jesus will approach me,

732
00:34:57,940 --> 00:35:00,390
"Hey, Russell, let me talk to you for a second, eh?"

733
00:35:02,020 --> 00:35:02,990
"What? What did I do?"

734
00:35:02,990 --> 00:35:04,790
"Nothing. I'm just saying hi."

735
00:35:06,630 --> 00:35:08,920
"Damn, Jesus. You wanna relax a little?"

736
00:35:11,150 --> 00:35:12,980
The Latinos in Canada, all the South American guys,

737
00:35:12,980 --> 00:35:15,770
they play that whole smooth Latin lover shit all the time, you know?

738
00:35:15,770 --> 00:35:17,080
Too much, to the point, like,

739
00:35:17,080 --> 00:35:19,330
where they're trying to seduce everybody all the time.

740
00:35:19,330 --> 00:35:20,060
You know what I mean?

741
00:35:20,440 --> 00:35:21,740
I went to this Spanish club in Toronto.

742
00:35:21,740 --> 00:35:24,060
This girl goes, "Oh, Russell, I want you to meet Fernando."

743
00:35:24,060 --> 00:35:25,950
This guy turns around, and goes, "Hola."

744
00:35:34,420 --> 00:35:35,860
[WITH SMOOTH SPANISH ACCENT]
"I am Fernando."

745
00:35:36,780 --> 00:35:38,280
I'm like, "You want to put your cock away, Fernando?"

746
00:35:38,280 --> 00:35:39,840
"I'm just trying to shake your hand. It's uh..."

747
00:35:41,760 --> 00:35:43,020
"...not that kind of party."

748
00:35:45,080 --> 00:35:46,400
But I like, I like the Latinos.

749
00:35:46,400 --> 00:35:47,190
'Cause you know why?

750
00:35:47,530 --> 00:35:49,420
They could have the most normal accent in the world,

751
00:35:49,420 --> 00:35:51,400
but the minute they start saying like a South American country,

752
00:35:51,400 --> 00:35:53,580
it sounds like they just stepped off a boat a second ago.

753
00:35:53,580 --> 00:35:54,310
You know what I mean?

754
00:35:54,510 --> 00:35:55,180
"Hey, where you from?"

755
00:35:55,180 --> 00:35:58,330
"Well, I'm from here, but my family's originally from Ecuador."

756
00:36:00,070 --> 00:36:01,500
"What the hell happened to you just now?"

757
00:36:01,900 --> 00:36:03,470
And the more Spanish countries they say,

758
00:36:03,470 --> 00:36:05,110
the more it sounds like they're going deaf, you know?

759
00:36:05,250 --> 00:36:08,050
"Well, I'm from Ecuador. This is my friend from Nicaragua."

760
00:36:08,980 --> 00:36:10,550
"Eastern Guatemala."

761
00:36:10,550 --> 00:36:11,650
[GIBBERISH]

762
00:36:12,010 --> 00:36:13,100
"Honduras."

763
00:36:13,170 --> 00:36:14,780
[GIBBERISH]

764
00:36:15,170 --> 00:36:16,730
[GIBBERISH]

765
00:36:17,260 --> 00:36:20,220
"Peru! Peru!"

766
00:36:32,060 --> 00:36:33,060
I like cultural names.

767
00:36:33,060 --> 00:36:34,280
Cultural names are really cool, you know.

768
00:36:34,280 --> 00:36:35,700
I don't have a cultural name.

769
00:36:35,850 --> 00:36:38,040
And Indian people for some reason have a real tough time with this.

770
00:36:38,040 --> 00:36:41,030
But my real name is Russell Peters.

771
00:36:41,610 --> 00:36:43,510
Both my parents are from India,

772
00:36:43,510 --> 00:36:45,140
and that's the name they gave me.

773
00:36:45,140 --> 00:36:46,300
Russell Dominic...

774
00:36:46,360 --> 00:36:48,520
Look at you dumb motherfuckers right there!

775
00:36:49,330 --> 00:36:51,690
Do you know Indian history at all?

776
00:36:51,730 --> 00:36:52,540
At all?

777
00:36:52,540 --> 00:36:55,290
No, you don't. You know why? I can tell you there's no Indian history.

778
00:36:55,290 --> 00:36:57,090
The British were there for 400 years.

779
00:36:57,090 --> 00:36:58,760
You don't think they fucked one or two of us?

780
00:37:07,000 --> 00:37:08,590
If they can steal all our jewelries,

781
00:37:08,590 --> 00:37:10,360
they can bang one or two of us.

782
00:37:11,630 --> 00:37:14,070
That's my real name. Both my parents are from India,

783
00:37:14,070 --> 00:37:16,280
and they named me Russell Dominic Peters.

784
00:37:16,280 --> 00:37:18,560
Dominic. I got an Italian middle name.

785
00:37:19,450 --> 00:37:21,990
'Cause my parents are from that Italian part of India.

786
00:37:24,040 --> 00:37:25,050
[WITH ITALIAN ACCENT]
Calcutta.

787
00:37:25,050 --> 00:37:26,430
You know, that part there.

788
00:37:28,450 --> 00:37:29,910
That's it. You have a problem with my name?

789
00:37:29,910 --> 00:37:31,790
Talk to my parents, Eric and Maureen.

790
00:37:35,120 --> 00:37:36,670
And my brother Julio.

791
00:37:42,420 --> 00:37:44,460
If I had an Indian name, I'd wear it proudly.

792
00:37:44,460 --> 00:37:45,740
You know what I mean? I don't have one.

793
00:37:45,860 --> 00:37:47,990
If I had it, I would rock it very proudly.

794
00:37:47,990 --> 00:37:49,890
What's your name, Mr. India over there?

795
00:37:51,010 --> 00:37:51,360
Anit.

796
00:37:51,510 --> 00:37:52,390
- Sorry?
- Anit.

797
00:37:52,550 --> 00:37:53,320
Anit?

798
00:37:53,540 --> 00:37:55,080
See, that's a neat name.

799
00:37:55,440 --> 00:37:56,160
That's uh...

800
00:37:59,900 --> 00:38:00,850
Anit!

801
00:38:01,860 --> 00:38:02,660
Anit!

802
00:38:03,520 --> 00:38:04,200
Patel!

803
00:38:04,290 --> 00:38:05,920
Patel? Nice.

804
00:38:09,570 --> 00:38:11,520
Jose, that's the equivalent right there.

805
00:38:11,520 --> 00:38:12,460
That's uh...

806
00:38:16,140 --> 00:38:17,380
Anit Patel.

807
00:38:18,030 --> 00:38:20,240
That's my brother, Amessy Patel.

808
00:38:23,430 --> 00:38:25,500
That's my big brother, Aslob.

809
00:38:33,950 --> 00:38:35,460
Do you know what your name means?

810
00:38:36,130 --> 00:38:36,430
No.

811
00:38:36,490 --> 00:38:37,220
No?

812
00:38:37,780 --> 00:38:40,200
So sure that this wasn't my name, but has no clue what your name...

813
00:38:40,210 --> 00:38:41,710
I don't know what your name means either.

814
00:38:41,710 --> 00:38:42,840
I know what my name means.

815
00:38:42,840 --> 00:38:44,520
Russell. It sucks. You know what it means?

816
00:38:44,570 --> 00:38:45,600
To make a noise.

817
00:38:48,380 --> 00:38:49,070
It's uh...

818
00:38:49,770 --> 00:38:52,280
It's a shit name, it's a shit joke, what do you want?

819
00:38:56,360 --> 00:38:57,820
I like the Indian names. I think,

820
00:38:57,820 --> 00:38:58,910
I think the Indian names are very cool.

821
00:38:58,910 --> 00:39:01,740
They have deep meanings to them. They have long history behind them.

822
00:39:01,740 --> 00:39:03,440
What's your name, my little Sikh brother right there?

823
00:39:03,440 --> 00:39:04,230
What's your name?

824
00:39:04,830 --> 00:39:05,330
Prabjoat.

825
00:39:05,460 --> 00:39:05,900
Sorry?

826
00:39:05,900 --> 00:39:06,540
Prabjoat.

827
00:39:06,700 --> 00:39:07,390
Prab?

828
00:39:07,740 --> 00:39:08,460
Jote.

829
00:39:08,990 --> 00:39:11,090
Not prebjoad, right?

830
00:39:11,560 --> 00:39:13,990
'Cause that would just be rude, I guess, at that point, wouldn't it?

831
00:39:14,450 --> 00:39:15,930
That would make his name Prab-fuck,

832
00:39:15,930 --> 00:39:17,120
That's what his name would have been.

833
00:39:18,010 --> 00:39:18,940
Prebjoad.

834
00:39:21,500 --> 00:39:23,680
"Prebjoad! What are you doing? That's..."

835
00:39:24,840 --> 00:39:26,180
Good solid Indian name, you know?

836
00:39:26,180 --> 00:39:28,080
I like the Indian names. Do you know what your name means?

837
00:39:28,390 --> 00:39:30,320
What-- See, he knows what his name means.

838
00:39:30,730 --> 00:39:32,010
Eh, Anit?

839
00:39:37,380 --> 00:39:38,720
What does it mean, Prab?

840
00:39:38,990 --> 00:39:39,730
God's essence.

841
00:39:40,050 --> 00:39:41,330
God's essence?

842
00:39:43,280 --> 00:39:44,470
God damn!

843
00:39:48,810 --> 00:39:50,290
What's your sister's name? Herbal Essence?

844
00:39:50,290 --> 00:39:51,070
What's uh...

845
00:39:57,840 --> 00:39:59,550
"You sister smells great."

846
00:40:00,600 --> 00:40:01,870
"That's just Herbal."

847
00:40:02,940 --> 00:40:04,210
"Herbal-joad."

848
00:40:12,430 --> 00:40:14,610
God's essence. That's dope, man.

849
00:40:15,400 --> 00:40:16,400
I like the Indian names.

850
00:40:16,400 --> 00:40:18,680
I think a lot of Indian names are really cool, but...

851
00:40:19,130 --> 00:40:21,140
I think a lot of-- cultural names are cool.

852
00:40:21,140 --> 00:40:23,460
But if you're gonna be, if you're gonna have a cultural name,

853
00:40:23,460 --> 00:40:26,280
and you're gonna move from another country to America,

854
00:40:26,280 --> 00:40:28,860
think about what that name means in English before you move here.

855
00:40:28,860 --> 00:40:29,500
You know what I mean?

856
00:40:29,800 --> 00:40:31,670
Think about how it's gonna affect your life.

857
00:40:32,220 --> 00:40:33,730
'Cause some Indian names are really good.

858
00:40:33,730 --> 00:40:35,050
Some Indian names are really cool.

859
00:40:35,050 --> 00:40:37,960
And they mean a lot. But they're really good in India.

860
00:40:39,150 --> 00:40:40,550
When they come here with those names,

861
00:40:40,550 --> 00:40:42,220
it just doesn't cross over very well.

862
00:40:42,920 --> 00:40:43,980
I met an Indian dude,

863
00:40:43,980 --> 00:40:46,400
and you know this is a real name, cause he was one of your people.

864
00:40:46,560 --> 00:40:47,310
Um...

865
00:40:48,410 --> 00:40:50,230
I met an Indian guy, I swear to God,

866
00:40:50,230 --> 00:40:52,180
his real name was Sukhdeep.

867
00:40:54,780 --> 00:40:55,850
<i>Sukh Deep</i>.

868
00:40:58,110 --> 00:40:59,350
Could you imagine living your life

869
00:40:59,350 --> 00:41:00,690
with a name like <i>Suck Deep</i>?

870
00:41:02,050 --> 00:41:03,470
Somebody's looking for you one day,

871
00:41:03,470 --> 00:41:04,480
"Yo, man."

872
00:41:05,270 --> 00:41:06,330
"You Suckdeep?"

873
00:41:13,400 --> 00:41:15,980
"Yeah, sometimes, if I have to. I..."

874
00:41:18,030 --> 00:41:19,950
"...don't really like it, though. I..."

875
00:41:23,010 --> 00:41:25,450
And obviously it's not pronounced 'suck deep' in my culture,

876
00:41:25,450 --> 00:41:26,240
you know what I mean?

877
00:41:26,240 --> 00:41:27,890
But if you were to read it, that's how you read it.

878
00:41:27,890 --> 00:41:31,210
It's spelled S-U-K-H-D-E-E-P.

879
00:41:31,760 --> 00:41:33,140
The 'H' doesn't help.

880
00:41:34,920 --> 00:41:35,920
'Cause now it sounds even worse.

881
00:41:35,920 --> 00:41:37,770
Suck huh Deep.

882
00:41:42,460 --> 00:41:44,940
"Come here, Suck-huh-Deep!"

883
00:41:48,230 --> 00:41:51,210
And I used to think Sukhdeep was the funniest Indian name I've ever heard.

884
00:41:51,210 --> 00:41:53,020
And then a few months ago, I was in D.C.,

885
00:41:53,020 --> 00:41:55,390
and I met this Indian dude. And I shit you not,

886
00:41:55,390 --> 00:41:56,750
the guy's real name

887
00:41:56,750 --> 00:41:57,960
was Hardik.

888
00:41:59,580 --> 00:42:01,680
H-A-R-D-I-K.

889
00:42:02,140 --> 00:42:03,010
Hardik!

890
00:42:03,730 --> 00:42:05,690
Who the hell name their kid <i>Hard Dick</i>?

891
00:42:06,250 --> 00:42:07,630
"Hey, come on, Hardik, pull up your pants."

892
00:42:07,630 --> 00:42:09,200
"Stop that. It's not nice."

893
00:42:18,650 --> 00:42:19,700
Hard dick.

894
00:42:20,060 --> 00:42:23,070
How can you not get into a career in porn with a name like Hard Dick?

895
00:42:23,880 --> 00:42:26,500
What if Hardik and Sukhdeep became best friends?

896
00:42:32,030 --> 00:42:33,460
You're a Punjabi, you know what I'm saying.

897
00:42:33,460 --> 00:42:35,050
You guys cross the line with us as well.

898
00:42:35,050 --> 00:42:36,950
I met an Indian girl named Ramindeep.

899
00:42:38,490 --> 00:42:39,850
Ram-in-deep!

900
00:42:40,430 --> 00:42:42,550
"Hey, get in there, Ramindeep."

901
00:42:47,960 --> 00:42:49,350
Sure, it's not pronounced like that,

902
00:42:49,350 --> 00:42:51,400
but it sounds funnier when you say Ram-in-deep.

903
00:42:53,720 --> 00:42:54,720
Just think, you know.

904
00:42:54,720 --> 00:42:56,420
And I don't know why the Indian guys just can't wrap--

905
00:42:56,420 --> 00:42:58,270
Indian people can't wrap their head around my name.

906
00:42:58,270 --> 00:42:59,780
I don't know why it's that difficult.

907
00:42:59,780 --> 00:43:02,010
It's very simple. Just go read a history book

908
00:43:02,010 --> 00:43:03,380
and it'll all make sense to you.

909
00:43:03,470 --> 00:43:05,420
And Indian people are always the worst about it. The worst.

910
00:43:05,420 --> 00:43:07,450
White people here. "Russell Peters."
"Oh, okay."

911
00:43:08,190 --> 00:43:09,830
They don't have a problem with it. They don't get it.

912
00:43:09,830 --> 00:43:11,350
They just, "Oh, I don't care. Yeah."

913
00:43:11,470 --> 00:43:13,730
"Maybe he's just a dark white guy. I don't know what he is. It's uh..."

914
00:43:16,680 --> 00:43:18,830
"Maybe somewhere south. I don't know what he is."

915
00:43:22,280 --> 00:43:24,360
I am-- "Look, you're not Christian, are you?"

916
00:43:24,900 --> 00:43:25,660
"Yes, I am."

917
00:43:25,960 --> 00:43:26,400
South?

918
00:43:26,400 --> 00:43:28,510
No, not from the south. See, I'm not one of them.

919
00:43:28,630 --> 00:43:30,420
I know what you're thinking. I'm not one of them.

920
00:43:30,420 --> 00:43:31,710
Those were converts.

921
00:43:32,120 --> 00:43:33,180
I was mixed.

922
00:43:33,660 --> 00:43:35,180
We don't know when the mix happened.

923
00:43:36,070 --> 00:43:36,950
It just happened.

924
00:43:37,530 --> 00:43:39,160
We're a long line of us.

925
00:43:40,450 --> 00:43:41,680
Indian people are the worst. 'Cause uh...

926
00:43:41,680 --> 00:43:43,420
You tell my name to a white guy: "Russell Peters."

927
00:43:43,420 --> 00:43:44,640
"How're you doing? Nice to meet you."

928
00:43:44,910 --> 00:43:46,330
Indian people, they'll first want to question you.

929
00:43:46,330 --> 00:43:48,620
And the Indian people, when they try to get information out of you,

930
00:43:48,620 --> 00:43:49,740
they're the worst at it.

931
00:43:50,830 --> 00:43:51,770
They're not very convincing.

932
00:43:51,770 --> 00:43:53,560
You can always tell when an Indian person's

933
00:43:53,560 --> 00:43:55,640
trying to convince you to tell them something.

934
00:43:56,060 --> 00:43:57,370
'Cause when they're trying to convince you,

935
00:43:57,370 --> 00:43:59,610
they give you this look like they're taking a shit.

936
00:44:00,800 --> 00:44:01,870
They do. They'll come like this.

937
00:44:01,870 --> 00:44:03,110
"Hey, Russell."

938
00:44:12,080 --> 00:44:13,140
"Russell..."

939
00:44:14,770 --> 00:44:16,250
[STRAINING]
"Russell..."

940
00:44:21,410 --> 00:44:22,020
It's what they do.

941
00:44:22,020 --> 00:44:24,170
They're not very convincing people, you know?

942
00:44:25,440 --> 00:44:26,860
Parents are the worst 'cause they--

943
00:44:26,860 --> 00:44:28,650
White parents are very direct, you know what I mean?

944
00:44:28,710 --> 00:44:29,800
You have white parents. Where are you?

945
00:44:29,800 --> 00:44:31,060
There you are, white guy. Yeah.

946
00:44:31,750 --> 00:44:32,630
What's your name, buddy?

947
00:44:32,950 --> 00:44:33,280
Steve.

948
00:44:33,360 --> 00:44:35,260
Steve. Just in case-- wow, there's--

949
00:44:35,260 --> 00:44:37,860
Welcome to stereotype night. This is um...

950
00:44:38,700 --> 00:44:41,250
Steve, Jose, and Anit Patel.

951
00:44:49,400 --> 00:44:50,300
White parents are very direct.

952
00:44:50,300 --> 00:44:51,260
They want their kids to something?

953
00:44:51,260 --> 00:44:53,240
"Hey, Steve, come here and clean up your room."

954
00:44:53,850 --> 00:44:54,780
They tell you right away.

955
00:44:55,290 --> 00:44:57,840
Indian parents feel the need to convince their kids to do things.

956
00:44:58,260 --> 00:45:00,460
And if they don't make the shit face,

957
00:45:00,460 --> 00:45:02,910
they'll take one word and try and make it sound convincing.

958
00:45:03,060 --> 00:45:03,580
You know?

959
00:45:04,070 --> 00:45:04,890
"Russell?"

960
00:45:05,500 --> 00:45:06,280
"Come."

961
00:45:09,950 --> 00:45:11,020
"Coome."

962
00:45:12,900 --> 00:45:14,880
"Cooome."

963
00:45:19,950 --> 00:45:21,170
That's their convincing sound.

964
00:45:21,170 --> 00:45:22,560
They'll just take one word and extend it.

965
00:45:22,560 --> 00:45:23,610
[ELONGATED SOUND]

966
00:45:25,170 --> 00:45:27,560
I can only imagine an arranged marriage on the wedding night.

967
00:45:28,270 --> 00:45:30,410
They got to consummate the first day they met.

968
00:45:31,220 --> 00:45:32,670
"Are we going to have sex?"

969
00:45:33,790 --> 00:45:34,900
"Seex?"

970
00:45:36,450 --> 00:45:38,310
[MAKING ELONGATED SOUND]
"Seeeex."

971
00:45:42,930 --> 00:45:44,110
"Doggy style?"

972
00:45:45,100 --> 00:45:46,440
"Doogy?"

973
00:45:46,890 --> 00:45:49,030
"Dooooog."

974
00:46:00,480 --> 00:46:03,190
Immigrant parents have a tendency to embarrass their kids, don't they?

975
00:46:04,540 --> 00:46:05,790
Yeah, they do. They do things.

976
00:46:05,790 --> 00:46:07,430
They just do shit when family comes over.

977
00:46:07,430 --> 00:46:08,540
That's when they embarrass you.

978
00:46:09,110 --> 00:46:10,520
You can try and be as hardcore as you want,

979
00:46:10,520 --> 00:46:13,220
but the minute your family, like relatives come over, it's over.

980
00:46:13,220 --> 00:46:13,990
They're gonna embarrass you.

981
00:46:13,990 --> 00:46:15,540
Filipinos, you know what I'm saying.

982
00:46:16,340 --> 00:46:17,870
You guys always have that shit happen to you.

983
00:46:17,870 --> 00:46:19,870
"Show Tito Ray how you sing. Show him."

984
00:46:21,170 --> 00:46:23,440
"Joon, come here and show Tito Ray your songs."

985
00:46:23,440 --> 00:46:25,580
"Show him. Sing the songs for Tito Ray."

986
00:46:26,090 --> 00:46:26,970
"Go on. Do it."

987
00:46:27,300 --> 00:46:29,990
"Do it. Ah, see. He's so good. He's so good."

988
00:46:32,670 --> 00:46:33,790
Indian parents will do that too.

989
00:46:33,790 --> 00:46:36,000
I remember when I was like 14, I used to break-dance.

990
00:46:36,280 --> 00:46:37,030
There was...

991
00:46:37,110 --> 00:46:38,040
Yeah, I did.

992
00:46:39,750 --> 00:46:41,030
I was, all the time, just...

993
00:46:48,810 --> 00:46:50,730
That was me back in the day, man.

994
00:46:51,890 --> 00:46:53,780
But I remember, like, when I was 14, I'd be out there all day.

995
00:46:53,780 --> 00:46:56,040
"Come on, we're gonna break. Come on, everybody. We're gonna break."

996
00:46:56,040 --> 00:46:57,750
"We're gonna break all day, man!"

997
00:46:58,160 --> 00:46:59,410
And then when my family would come over,

998
00:46:59,410 --> 00:47:00,700
I didn't want to like, break in front of them.

999
00:47:00,700 --> 00:47:02,340
My dad would be like, "Come, Russell."

1000
00:47:02,340 --> 00:47:03,850
"Show. Show uncle how you dance."

1001
00:47:04,400 --> 00:47:05,720
"Show uncle how you dance!"

1002
00:47:06,600 --> 00:47:07,630
I'm like, "I don't want to show him how I..."

1003
00:47:07,630 --> 00:47:08,940
"Show him how you dance."

1004
00:47:09,430 --> 00:47:10,900
And you're standing like an asshole.

1005
00:47:18,330 --> 00:47:20,650
And your uncle's like, "Oh, that's very good. Is he retarded?"

1006
00:47:20,650 --> 00:47:22,390
"I can't tell what's happening. It's..."

1007
00:47:29,230 --> 00:47:30,440
Yeah, Russell!

1008
00:47:32,040 --> 00:47:33,690
Just embarrassed you, man.

1009
00:47:38,780 --> 00:47:40,000
That's a lot of energy.

1010
00:47:42,170 --> 00:47:44,550
Anybody here from England? Any British people in the house tonight?

1011
00:47:45,080 --> 00:47:45,950
Oh, look at that.

1012
00:47:46,280 --> 00:47:47,950
Nice, you imported your white meat.

1013
00:47:47,950 --> 00:47:49,270
Nice job, sir.

1014
00:47:51,270 --> 00:47:52,950
Where you from in England, ma'am? Are you from England?

1015
00:47:53,300 --> 00:47:53,860
What part?

1016
00:47:54,390 --> 00:47:55,580
I'm from Bedford.

1017
00:47:55,980 --> 00:47:56,710
[WITH ENGLISH ACCENT]
Bedford.

1018
00:48:01,010 --> 00:48:01,660
Bedford.

1019
00:48:01,660 --> 00:48:03,450
She said it so nicely. "I'm from Bedford."

1020
00:48:05,790 --> 00:48:08,150
I like the English accent sometimes, you know what I mean?"

1021
00:48:08,150 --> 00:48:10,250
But I really think it's the only accent in the world you can't do

1022
00:48:10,250 --> 00:48:12,270
without making a ridiculous face every time you do it.

1023
00:48:12,520 --> 00:48:14,450
"Yes, good evening, I'm from England."

1024
00:48:16,250 --> 00:48:17,180
"Ha!"

1025
00:48:19,150 --> 00:48:20,530
"I'm from England."

1026
00:48:21,280 --> 00:48:22,230
"Ha!"

1027
00:48:26,520 --> 00:48:27,570
Sometimes English people are OK,

1028
00:48:27,570 --> 00:48:28,970
but sometimes they get very arrogant, the English.

1029
00:48:28,970 --> 00:48:29,730
You know what I mean?

1030
00:48:30,000 --> 00:48:31,280
You want to mess with English people?

1031
00:48:31,280 --> 00:48:32,660
Next time you meet somebody from England

1032
00:48:32,850 --> 00:48:34,080
and they tell you where they're from,

1033
00:48:34,080 --> 00:48:35,650
act like you've never heard of it.

1034
00:48:37,650 --> 00:48:39,510
Oh, they get pissed off.

1035
00:48:40,450 --> 00:48:42,070
"Hey, that's an interesting accent. Where are you from?"

1036
00:48:42,070 --> 00:48:44,220
"I'm from England. Ha ha!"

1037
00:48:51,030 --> 00:48:52,040
"I'm sorry. Where?"

1038
00:48:55,130 --> 00:48:55,950
"England."

1039
00:48:56,750 --> 00:48:57,700
"Haah!"

1040
00:49:02,160 --> 00:49:03,150
"I've never heard of it."

1041
00:49:04,020 --> 00:49:05,080
"England?"

1042
00:49:05,880 --> 00:49:06,740
"Ha?"

1043
00:49:10,510 --> 00:49:11,870
"Little island, beside"

1044
00:49:11,870 --> 00:49:14,250
[WHEEZING]
"Europe."

1045
00:49:16,130 --> 00:49:17,210
"Is that near Miami?"

1046
00:49:18,750 --> 00:49:20,420
"England, you bloody fool!"

1047
00:49:21,560 --> 00:49:23,200
"I believe you are speaking our language."

1048
00:49:23,740 --> 00:49:26,080
"I'm speaking English, dude. I don't know what the hell you're speaking right now."

1049
00:49:27,090 --> 00:49:28,690
"You're speaking constipatese or something."

1050
00:49:28,690 --> 00:49:29,780
"I don't know what that is,"

1051
00:49:30,060 --> 00:49:31,550
"but you need fiber, jeeves."

1052
00:49:33,580 --> 00:49:34,840
"England. Ha!"

1053
00:49:36,040 --> 00:49:37,910
It just-- It looks ugly sometimes, you know?

1054
00:49:37,910 --> 00:49:40,410
I think that's why English guys don't get laid a lot, man.

1055
00:49:40,780 --> 00:49:42,300
Women don't want that pounding them, do they?

1056
00:49:42,300 --> 00:49:44,010
"Oh, God, ooh, ahh!"

1057
00:49:44,400 --> 00:49:45,190
"Aah!"

1058
00:49:45,820 --> 00:49:49,090
"What a delightful feeling! Oh my God! Ah!"

1059
00:49:49,440 --> 00:49:51,780
"That is smashing! Oh! Aah!"

1060
00:49:51,920 --> 00:49:54,070
"Ooh, aha! Oh!"

1061
00:49:54,070 --> 00:49:56,580
"Oh my God, I'm arriving! Ah!"

1062
00:50:13,700 --> 00:50:15,350
How long have you been in America for?

1063
00:50:17,900 --> 00:50:18,970
Twelve, thirteen years?

1064
00:50:19,120 --> 00:50:21,550
And you guys met in England, obviously, because he's a brown man.

1065
00:50:23,250 --> 00:50:24,420
'Cause I don't know if you're aware of this now,

1066
00:50:24,420 --> 00:50:28,050
but England has the largest population of Indian people outside of India.

1067
00:50:28,380 --> 00:50:29,510
It's true. They're all there.

1068
00:50:29,510 --> 00:50:31,810
And the British are so pissed off that we're there.

1069
00:50:32,140 --> 00:50:33,840
They're mad 'cause there's so many of us, and...

1070
00:50:33,840 --> 00:50:35,440
as a brown man, when I walk around England,

1071
00:50:35,440 --> 00:50:37,170
I can feel it, hear them under their breath.

1072
00:50:37,170 --> 00:50:39,930
"Go home, you brown bastards!"

1073
00:50:40,680 --> 00:50:41,890
"Ha!"

1074
00:50:46,710 --> 00:50:49,380
And they're mad. They're mad because there's so many Indian people in England.

1075
00:50:49,380 --> 00:50:51,210
And that's not our fault. That's the British people's fault.

1076
00:50:51,210 --> 00:50:52,280
You guys started it.

1077
00:50:53,350 --> 00:50:55,740
You went to India first. We didn't ask you to come over.

1078
00:50:58,150 --> 00:51:00,120
1600. They just showed up.

1079
00:51:01,570 --> 00:51:04,010
They stayed for 400 years.

1080
00:51:04,430 --> 00:51:06,410
1947, they just got up and left.

1081
00:51:06,410 --> 00:51:07,540
We were like, "No, no, no. Wait."

1082
00:51:07,540 --> 00:51:08,820
"We're coming with you."

1083
00:51:16,760 --> 00:51:18,610
"You can't just come here and leave."

1084
00:51:19,360 --> 00:51:20,670
"What the hell are you going to eat?"

1085
00:51:22,850 --> 00:51:23,540
"Coming."

1086
00:51:23,880 --> 00:51:24,850
"Coming?"

1087
00:51:25,490 --> 00:51:26,600
"Coome."

1088
00:51:37,990 --> 00:51:39,870
My white American friends, I uh...

1089
00:51:39,870 --> 00:51:41,450
Steve, your families from America?

1090
00:51:42,110 --> 00:51:43,940
Nice. And you're married to a brown girl, right?

1091
00:51:44,670 --> 00:51:46,140
Nice. How long have you guys been married for?

1092
00:51:46,370 --> 00:51:47,110
Eleven years.

1093
00:51:48,040 --> 00:51:49,270
Eleven years? Nice.

1094
00:51:50,150 --> 00:51:50,690
You know what's funny?

1095
00:51:50,690 --> 00:51:52,110
Nowadays, eleven years is "Wow!"

1096
00:51:52,110 --> 00:51:53,610
Back then, "Eleven? That's it?"

1097
00:51:54,590 --> 00:51:56,050
Now it's like, "Wow, you made it."

1098
00:51:57,300 --> 00:51:58,560
We have three kids.

1099
00:51:58,560 --> 00:52:00,960
Three kids? Nice, little beige babies. Nice.

1100
00:52:02,430 --> 00:52:03,930
Nice, good job, huh?

1101
00:52:04,210 --> 00:52:06,040
Indian women are good. They're sexy, right?

1102
00:52:06,350 --> 00:52:08,050
Spicy. Spicy, though, huh?

1103
00:52:08,910 --> 00:52:09,730
If you're going down on her,

1104
00:52:09,730 --> 00:52:11,610
better take a glass of water, that's all I'm saying. You know what I mean?

1105
00:52:12,430 --> 00:52:13,430
That's all I'm saying.

1106
00:52:15,650 --> 00:52:17,150
"Uh, huh! Huh!"

1107
00:52:18,330 --> 00:52:22,530
[MAKING SOUND OF BURNT TONGUE]

1108
00:52:38,370 --> 00:52:40,000
White people, my white American friends,

1109
00:52:40,000 --> 00:52:41,710
I'm here to tell you something, alright?

1110
00:52:42,030 --> 00:52:42,930
I like you.

1111
00:52:43,900 --> 00:52:46,040
And I'm not just saying that to say it.

1112
00:52:46,040 --> 00:52:47,590
I'm telling you for a reason.

1113
00:52:47,940 --> 00:52:52,090
Because I think white folks have really done some major things in the past 30 years.

1114
00:52:52,230 --> 00:52:54,370
They've really taken some strides.

1115
00:52:54,370 --> 00:52:56,690
And I feel bad for them too because white people--

1116
00:52:57,410 --> 00:53:00,780
we, all the non-white people in the world have white folks convinced

1117
00:53:00,780 --> 00:53:02,210
that they're racist.

1118
00:53:03,330 --> 00:53:06,270
We have them so scared to notice anything of color,

1119
00:53:06,940 --> 00:53:09,690
that they're afraid to describe things accurately now.

1120
00:53:10,030 --> 00:53:11,500
I was working at this comedy club.

1121
00:53:11,500 --> 00:53:13,490
One of my black friends came down to hang out with me,

1122
00:53:13,490 --> 00:53:14,500
and the doorman comes up and goes,

1123
00:53:14,500 --> 00:53:16,150
"Hey, Russell. One of your friends came by."

1124
00:53:16,490 --> 00:53:18,640
"He was a black guy?"
"I don't know."

1125
00:53:23,040 --> 00:53:24,390
"I didn't notice."

1126
00:53:26,270 --> 00:53:27,660
"What do you mean, you didn't notice?"

1127
00:53:28,980 --> 00:53:30,580
"What he look like?"
"He was tall."

1128
00:53:32,030 --> 00:53:33,030
"Curly hair."

1129
00:53:35,110 --> 00:53:36,840
"What was his name?"
"Uh, LeRoy."

1130
00:53:38,370 --> 00:53:40,630
"Was he black?"
"I don't know, uh, I..."

1131
00:53:41,240 --> 00:53:42,770
"He could've been. I mean, maybe, I don't know."

1132
00:53:42,770 --> 00:53:45,030
"If you say he's black, maybe he was. I don't know."

1133
00:53:46,930 --> 00:53:48,740
We've got white people so scared

1134
00:53:48,930 --> 00:53:50,550
to describe things with color,

1135
00:53:50,550 --> 00:53:52,340
we've got them so convinced that they're racist.

1136
00:53:52,340 --> 00:53:54,300
It's awful, because you know, the thing is,

1137
00:53:54,490 --> 00:53:57,090
white people will never be as racist as we are.

1138
00:53:57,990 --> 00:53:59,310
Not in your life.

1139
00:53:59,920 --> 00:54:01,960
White folks can never be that racist.

1140
00:54:02,910 --> 00:54:06,100
Indian people, Asian people, we're all very racist.

1141
00:54:06,840 --> 00:54:08,490
Every group is racist.

1142
00:54:09,200 --> 00:54:10,600
White folks will see a group of Indian people.

1143
00:54:10,600 --> 00:54:11,840
They're like, "Oh, look at all those brown people."

1144
00:54:11,840 --> 00:54:13,210
"They're probably all very happy together."

1145
00:54:14,150 --> 00:54:16,070
Then you get in that group. We're like, "Hey, you're from India?"

1146
00:54:16,070 --> 00:54:17,190
"I'm from India. What part?"

1147
00:54:17,190 --> 00:54:18,890
"Oh, not that part. Go to hell, you bloody bastard!"

1148
00:54:18,890 --> 00:54:19,970
"I don't want to know you."

1149
00:54:24,280 --> 00:54:25,380
Every group does it.

1150
00:54:25,650 --> 00:54:26,770
Asians will do it. Look.

1151
00:54:26,770 --> 00:54:28,380
"Oh, I'm Chinese."
"You're Chinese? Where are you from?"

1152
00:54:28,380 --> 00:54:29,870
"I'm from Kung Chao."
"I'm from Ow Bay."

1153
00:54:29,870 --> 00:54:31,580
"Oh, you go. So stupid. I'll go."

1154
00:54:31,850 --> 00:54:34,480
"Oh, that's so bad. I don't like. Don't talk to me, asshole!"

1155
00:54:39,330 --> 00:54:42,150
Every culture does it. It's so bizarre, man.

1156
00:54:42,400 --> 00:54:43,620
White folks don't have that problem.

1157
00:54:43,620 --> 00:54:44,760
White guy'll see another white guy,

1158
00:54:44,760 --> 00:54:46,580
"Hey, where are you from?"
"I'm from Tennessee. Where you from?"

1159
00:54:46,580 --> 00:54:48,080
"I'm from New York."
"Well, let's have a drink."

1160
00:54:48,080 --> 00:54:49,100
"Alright, let's go. Ha ha!"

1161
00:54:49,240 --> 00:54:50,340
That's it. They don't care. They just...

1162
00:54:50,340 --> 00:54:52,050
"Hey, look. Another white guy."

1163
00:54:53,060 --> 00:54:55,040
White people, it's OK to be proud of yourselves, you know.

1164
00:54:55,040 --> 00:54:57,370
It's OK to feel proud. It's not a bad thing.

1165
00:54:57,370 --> 00:54:59,070
I mean, sometimes you get carried away

1166
00:54:59,070 --> 00:55:01,340
and then you light crosses and put on pointy white hats, but...

1167
00:55:02,790 --> 00:55:04,990
That's-- You know, you should draw the line somewhere before that.

1168
00:55:04,990 --> 00:55:05,940
You know what I mean? You should--

1169
00:55:11,380 --> 00:55:13,310
But, white people, you really have, you know,

1170
00:55:13,440 --> 00:55:16,100
changed things for yourselves in the past 30 years, you know what I mean?

1171
00:55:16,190 --> 00:55:19,070
You've very graciously let immigrants into your country.

1172
00:55:19,160 --> 00:55:20,510
I mean, you know, the country you took.

1173
00:55:20,630 --> 00:55:22,010
You know, but whatever. You know what I mean?

1174
00:55:22,250 --> 00:55:24,550
Sure, sure, you have a bad history, you know what I mean?

1175
00:55:24,550 --> 00:55:26,420
Sure, you stole some land, you know what I mean?

1176
00:55:26,420 --> 00:55:28,470
Big deal. You tried to wipe out a whole race of people.

1177
00:55:28,470 --> 00:55:29,060
No problem.

1178
00:55:29,060 --> 00:55:30,090
Alright. You know what I mean?

1179
00:55:30,370 --> 00:55:32,630
You brought people in from Africa and fucked them over.

1180
00:55:32,630 --> 00:55:34,320
Good deal, you know what I mean? But, you know,

1181
00:55:34,320 --> 00:55:35,970
let's forget about all that.

1182
00:55:38,010 --> 00:55:40,130
We're in the 21st century now.

1183
00:55:40,470 --> 00:55:41,810
It's time to move on.

1184
00:55:42,730 --> 00:55:44,750
I'm glad that you stole this land.

1185
00:55:45,290 --> 00:55:45,900
You know why?

1186
00:55:45,900 --> 00:55:48,160
'Cause Christopher Columbus was looking for my land.

1187
00:55:57,160 --> 00:55:59,370
You know, Christopher Columbus, your <i>Great Discoverer</i>?

1188
00:56:00,170 --> 00:56:02,620
He was looking for India when he found North America.

1189
00:56:02,620 --> 00:56:04,290
That jackass was lost.

1190
00:56:06,110 --> 00:56:08,230
He wasn't even in the right part of the world.

1191
00:56:09,000 --> 00:56:10,710
And he knew this wasn't India.

1192
00:56:10,710 --> 00:56:12,840
Why do you think the native people here were called Indians?

1193
00:56:13,050 --> 00:56:14,920
'Cause he didn't want to look stupid in front of his whole crew.

1194
00:56:14,920 --> 00:56:18,320
He's like, "Fellas, that must be India."

1195
00:56:19,890 --> 00:56:21,880
"And those must be Indians."

1196
00:56:22,590 --> 00:56:24,180
Meanwhile we're standing on the shores of India going,

1197
00:56:24,180 --> 00:56:25,640
"Where the hell is Chris?"

1198
00:56:28,210 --> 00:56:29,600
"The son of a bitch is late."

1199
00:56:40,280 --> 00:56:41,040
But you really have.

1200
00:56:41,040 --> 00:56:42,850
You know, white folks have been very gracious,

1201
00:56:42,850 --> 00:56:45,500
and they've opened up their borders and let the immigrants in,

1202
00:56:45,500 --> 00:56:46,540
and they didn't ask questions.

1203
00:56:46,540 --> 00:56:48,050
They're like, "Alright, come on in, immigrants."

1204
00:56:48,050 --> 00:56:51,510
"Become an American with us and settle down and be an American."

1205
00:56:51,510 --> 00:56:53,510
"It's all good. Don't worry about it."

1206
00:56:54,000 --> 00:56:56,150
We all came in, and white people were very friendly.

1207
00:56:56,150 --> 00:56:58,770
"Nice. come on in. Thanks-- thanks for coming."

1208
00:56:59,630 --> 00:57:01,220
"Sure, sit down. Have a seat."
You know.

1209
00:57:01,930 --> 00:57:03,290
Be an American with us. It's all good.

1210
00:57:03,870 --> 00:57:05,030
And you did it very graciously.

1211
00:57:05,030 --> 00:57:06,750
You never asked questions, and they never said,

1212
00:57:06,750 --> 00:57:08,510
"What do you want here? Here, you get out."

1213
00:57:08,660 --> 00:57:09,470
They never did that. They were just like,

1214
00:57:09,470 --> 00:57:10,790
"Come on in, come on. Sit down."

1215
00:57:10,790 --> 00:57:11,920
"Be one of us."

1216
00:57:12,340 --> 00:57:13,870
And they did it very nicely, you know what I mean?

1217
00:57:13,870 --> 00:57:16,300
And you look at the immigrants, and you say, "Look at all those immigrants,"

1218
00:57:16,300 --> 00:57:17,390
"so happy to be here."

1219
00:57:18,610 --> 00:57:20,250
And you think that the immigrants, 'cause they all smile and say,

1220
00:57:20,250 --> 00:57:21,890
"Hello, Mr. American, how are you?"

1221
00:57:22,870 --> 00:57:23,880
"Good day, sir."

1222
00:57:24,810 --> 00:57:27,580
And then you don't realize that every immigrant that's ever come to this country,

1223
00:57:27,580 --> 00:57:29,750
comes to America and talks shit about you.

1224
00:57:30,500 --> 00:57:32,530
Every immigrant, doesn't matter where they come from.

1225
00:57:32,530 --> 00:57:35,660
They can come from Europe, they can come from Asia, they come from Africa,

1226
00:57:35,660 --> 00:57:37,080
doesn't matter. The immigrants come here

1227
00:57:37,080 --> 00:57:38,780
and they talk shit behind the Americans' backs.

1228
00:57:38,780 --> 00:57:41,650
And I don't like it 'cause I was born in North America,

1229
00:57:41,650 --> 00:57:43,060
so it pisses me off.

1230
00:57:43,440 --> 00:57:45,960
but I'm telling you, they all do, and they all say the same thing.

1231
00:57:45,960 --> 00:57:46,900
It's very irritating.

1232
00:57:46,900 --> 00:57:48,870
You came from England, you probably said it too.

1233
00:57:48,870 --> 00:57:50,800
And you're white, lady. See, even white people do it.

1234
00:57:50,800 --> 00:57:51,370
See what I mean?

1235
00:57:52,940 --> 00:57:55,210
But every immigrant comes here, you know what the first thing they do is say,

1236
00:57:55,210 --> 00:57:56,900
"Oh, Americans have no culture."

1237
00:57:57,710 --> 00:57:58,690
That's what they say. That's the first thing--

1238
00:57:58,690 --> 00:58:01,390
My dad used to say it. "Oh, these bloody Americans have no culture."

1239
00:58:02,020 --> 00:58:04,320
I go, "Dad, they have culture. They have their own thing going on,"

1240
00:58:04,320 --> 00:58:07,050
"which makes it theirs, which makes it part of their culture,"

1241
00:58:07,050 --> 00:58:08,520
"which means, they have culture."

1242
00:58:08,580 --> 00:58:10,670
"No. Show me. What is their culture? What is it? Show me."

1243
00:58:10,670 --> 00:58:12,640
"What? What? Whaaat?"

1244
00:58:13,740 --> 00:58:14,860
"Whaaaat?"

1245
00:58:17,660 --> 00:58:20,230
"What's their culture? Hamburgers and hoddogs are not a culture."

1246
00:58:20,910 --> 00:58:22,340
I'm like, "First of all, hamburgers and what?"

1247
00:58:22,340 --> 00:58:23,180
"<i>Hoddogs</i>."

1248
00:58:27,670 --> 00:58:29,080
"What the hell is 'hoddogs'?"

1249
00:58:30,670 --> 00:58:31,980
"Hoddogs, you know, hoddogs?"

1250
00:58:33,630 --> 00:58:34,630
"You mean, hot dogs?"

1251
00:58:34,630 --> 00:58:37,040
"Don't try to give it a fancy name, now, OK?"

1252
00:58:39,080 --> 00:58:40,330
But, white people, it's not fair.

1253
00:58:40,330 --> 00:58:42,510
White Americans, it's not fair that immigrants come here

1254
00:58:42,510 --> 00:58:43,840
and tell you that you have no culture

1255
00:58:43,840 --> 00:58:45,410
because you do have things that are your culture.

1256
00:58:45,410 --> 00:58:47,010
Black American culture is very distinct.

1257
00:58:47,010 --> 00:58:48,980
You can look at it and go, "That's black American culture."

1258
00:58:48,980 --> 00:58:49,940
They don't need to prove anything.

1259
00:58:49,940 --> 00:58:51,570
But the white folks always have something to prove,

1260
00:58:51,570 --> 00:58:53,000
and I'm here to tell you you do have a culture.

1261
00:58:53,000 --> 00:58:54,810
And it always boils down to music, you know what I mean?

1262
00:58:54,810 --> 00:58:57,520
When it comes down to music, white folks, you have your own thing going on.

1263
00:58:57,520 --> 00:58:59,510
And it's not like we didn't enjoy your culture too.

1264
00:58:59,510 --> 00:59:02,080
We enjoyed it, but you enjoyed it more than we did

1265
00:59:02,080 --> 00:59:03,950
which made it your culture, which made it you.

1266
00:59:04,720 --> 00:59:07,060
You know what I mean? White folks love certain songs

1267
00:59:07,060 --> 00:59:09,870
that we all enjoyed, but white people took it to another level..

1268
00:59:11,210 --> 00:59:15,070
White folks tend to like the songs that are like audience participation, you know?

1269
00:59:15,740 --> 00:59:16,830
You know, then they don't have to do a lot.

1270
00:59:16,830 --> 00:59:18,280
"I just go to follow what that guy's doing?"

1271
00:59:18,280 --> 00:59:19,280
"That's perfect. We'll do that."

1272
00:59:21,150 --> 00:59:23,820
'Cause the jokes are already out there, you know. "White people can't dance."

1273
00:59:23,930 --> 00:59:26,370
That's not true. It's not fair. White people can dance.

1274
00:59:26,370 --> 00:59:28,960
You just choose to do too many dances at the same time.

1275
00:59:29,080 --> 00:59:31,360
That's where the problems kick in, you know what I mean?

1276
00:59:31,560 --> 00:59:33,380
You can't salsa and do the running man.

1277
00:59:33,380 --> 00:59:34,670
It just doesn't look right, alright?

1278
00:59:41,900 --> 00:59:44,460
But white folks generally love the audience participation songs.

1279
00:59:44,460 --> 00:59:45,000
You know what I mean?

1280
00:59:45,000 --> 00:59:45,960
And we enjoyed 'em too.

1281
00:59:45,960 --> 00:59:47,240
Uh, the Macarena.

1282
00:59:48,430 --> 00:59:50,140
I mean, it started off as a Latino thing,

1283
00:59:50,140 --> 00:59:52,510
but then white people got ahold of it, and really ran with it,

1284
00:59:52,510 --> 00:59:53,280
you know what I mean?

1285
00:59:53,700 --> 00:59:55,420
They took it and made it theirs, you know what I mean?

1286
00:59:55,420 --> 00:59:56,730
We all did the Macarena,

1287
00:59:56,730 --> 00:59:58,520
but white people took it to another level. Left foot, right foot.

1288
01:00:01,270 --> 01:00:03,380
We went, "That's a white people's dance."

1289
01:00:03,800 --> 01:00:05,080
"Good on you, whities."

1290
01:00:05,810 --> 01:00:07,160
"Enjoy yourselves."

1291
01:00:07,290 --> 01:00:09,220
'Cause I like to watch them enjoy themselves like that.

1292
01:00:09,220 --> 01:00:10,780
When they hear their music that they like,

1293
01:00:10,780 --> 01:00:12,820
they get this joyous look in their eyes.

1294
01:00:12,820 --> 01:00:14,480
And I love to see people enjoy themselves like that.

1295
01:00:14,650 --> 01:00:16,110
There are certain songs. The Macarena.

1296
01:00:16,110 --> 01:00:18,470
The chicken dance. That's the white people's song, man.

1297
01:00:18,530 --> 01:00:19,470
You know the chicken dance.

1298
01:00:19,470 --> 01:00:23,390
[HUMMING THE CHICKEN DANCE]

1299
01:00:23,770 --> 01:00:24,980
You losers!

1300
01:00:33,350 --> 01:00:34,210
Arriba!

1301
01:00:35,490 --> 01:00:37,580
No, we're gonna stick with the chicken dance for now.

1302
01:00:38,100 --> 01:00:40,360
I like the chicken dance. That's a white people's--

1303
01:00:40,360 --> 01:00:41,970
[HUMMING THE CHICKEN DANCE]

1304
01:00:43,160 --> 01:00:45,550
You ever go to a white wedding and they play the chicken dance?

1305
01:00:45,550 --> 01:00:46,680
The minute they play the chicken dance,

1306
01:00:46,680 --> 01:00:48,380
that's how you know the dance floor's open.

1307
01:00:48,780 --> 01:00:49,770
'Cause white people lose their mind.

1308
01:00:49,770 --> 01:00:51,920
The bridesmaids, "Oh, my God, the chicken dance!"

1309
01:01:00,420 --> 01:01:02,450
And the song's tricky 'cause it gets faster.

1310
01:01:04,370 --> 01:01:06,270
You never know what's gonna happen next, you know?

1311
01:01:08,560 --> 01:01:10,580
And then there's like the song that I believe is like the white--

1312
01:01:10,580 --> 01:01:12,610
the white people's national anthem, you know?

1313
01:01:14,690 --> 01:01:17,650
I was walking down Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles,

1314
01:01:18,050 --> 01:01:19,950
and there was this nightclub playing this song.

1315
01:01:20,660 --> 01:01:23,080
And they were playing it really loud. You could hear it on the street.

1316
01:01:23,320 --> 01:01:25,450
And white people were walking by and driving by,

1317
01:01:25,450 --> 01:01:27,520
and they stopped dead in their tracks

1318
01:01:28,110 --> 01:01:29,390
to do the YMCA.

1319
01:01:33,930 --> 01:01:36,570
White people lose their mind when they hear the YMCA.

1320
01:01:36,570 --> 01:01:39,860
Stopped their cars in the middle of Sunset Boulevard,

1321
01:01:39,950 --> 01:01:42,910
got out of their car, and didn't do it like, you know, half-assed. They were like,

1322
01:01:43,850 --> 01:01:44,940
They do like this.

1323
01:01:48,490 --> 01:01:50,000
I was like, "Wow, this guy's into it."

1324
01:01:50,000 --> 01:01:51,650
People were honking their horns. "Move it!"

1325
01:01:51,650 --> 01:01:54,660
"Go around, asshole! I'm doing the YMCA over here!"

1326
01:01:55,220 --> 01:01:55,860
He was like,

1327
01:01:58,130 --> 01:01:59,170
And everybody was doing it.

1328
01:01:59,170 --> 01:02:01,240
And I saw how much joy was in their eyes.

1329
01:02:01,240 --> 01:02:03,930
And I felt so good for the white people at that time, you know?

1330
01:02:04,040 --> 01:02:06,090
I saw how much they were enjoying themselves, and I went,

1331
01:02:06,090 --> 01:02:08,150
"Yes, white people. Have fun."

1332
01:02:09,260 --> 01:02:11,500
And I felt good for you, you know what I mean?

1333
01:02:11,500 --> 01:02:13,130
And then I started to feel bad.

1334
01:02:14,120 --> 01:02:15,320
Not for you,

1335
01:02:15,530 --> 01:02:17,960
but for me and my people,

1336
01:02:18,160 --> 01:02:19,760
and other Asian groups.

1337
01:02:20,450 --> 01:02:21,830
Because our alphabet

1338
01:02:25,330 --> 01:02:27,540
is not set up for songs like that.

1339
01:02:30,900 --> 01:02:34,520
There's never gonna be a Chinese version of the YMCA, you know?

1340
01:02:34,960 --> 01:02:36,660
[IMITATING CHINESE]
"This fun to stay on top!"

1341
01:02:43,290 --> 01:02:45,500
Hey, thank you very much, San Francisco. Good night.

1342
01:02:58,520 --> 01:03:01,140
Russell Peters, ladies and gentlemen!

1343
01:03:02,830 --> 01:03:04,660
Russell Peters!

1344
01:03:12,590 --> 01:03:15,580
I think they want some more. Do you want more?

1345
01:03:17,680 --> 01:03:19,380
He can't hear ya!

1346
01:03:22,680 --> 01:03:25,740
Here he is, guys! Russell Peters!

1347
01:03:40,430 --> 01:03:41,140
Alright!

1348
01:03:46,850 --> 01:03:50,400
Now, since this is gonna be for DVD release,

1349
01:03:50,780 --> 01:03:52,270
and for Comedy Central.

1350
01:03:52,270 --> 01:03:54,210
I know this part will be on Comedy Central, but

1351
01:03:54,540 --> 01:03:56,530
this part will definitely be on the DVD.

1352
01:03:56,530 --> 01:03:58,600
And this is part of the last time I'm gonna do this joke,

1353
01:03:58,600 --> 01:04:00,080
'cause I'm retiring it after this.

1354
01:04:00,220 --> 01:04:01,140
And uh...

1355
01:04:01,640 --> 01:04:04,610
No, no, no! You can have it on DVD, you cheap bastards!

1356
01:04:06,060 --> 01:04:07,620
Now, listen, when this DVD comes out,

1357
01:04:07,620 --> 01:04:09,350
I don't want you motherfuckers to go

1358
01:04:09,350 --> 01:04:12,710
and upload it and then start download this shit for free, alright?

1359
01:04:14,440 --> 01:04:17,630
I know how you are. Please, go and buy this.

1360
01:04:17,980 --> 01:04:19,910
This comes out, buy this one.

1361
01:04:22,450 --> 01:04:24,470
Gotta be a way to make it un-uploadable.

1362
01:04:25,490 --> 01:04:28,000
One of you bastards work in IT. I know you do.

1363
01:04:30,410 --> 01:04:32,170
See that? "I do! I do!"

1364
01:04:32,690 --> 01:04:33,830
"That's me!"

1365
01:04:38,000 --> 01:04:38,880
That's right.

1366
01:04:40,090 --> 01:04:40,820
Now,

1367
01:04:43,970 --> 01:04:45,400
I'm gona do this right now for ya.

1368
01:04:47,120 --> 01:04:48,280
Now, white folks.

1369
01:04:48,370 --> 01:04:50,950
I hope you enjoy this show tonight so far.

1370
01:04:51,840 --> 01:04:54,910
Now I've talked about white people already, and I'm...

1371
01:04:54,910 --> 01:04:56,990
but I've gotta talk to you a little bit more. 'Cause um...

1372
01:04:58,710 --> 01:05:01,210
Because I've gotta talk to you about your parenting skills.

1373
01:05:08,700 --> 01:05:10,690
Every time I see it on the news, I got really irritated.

1374
01:05:10,690 --> 01:05:12,370
When I hear them, "You shouldn't beat your children."

1375
01:05:12,730 --> 01:05:15,200
"Don't beat your kids. Talk to them."

1376
01:05:15,770 --> 01:05:16,980
"Give them a time out."

1377
01:05:18,730 --> 01:05:20,840
Beat the motherfuckers! That's what I'm trying to tell you.

1378
01:05:24,190 --> 01:05:26,190
White folks, please beat your children.

1379
01:05:26,270 --> 01:05:28,790
'Cause non-white parents will beat their kids.

1380
01:05:29,070 --> 01:05:30,650
Your dad's a Puerto Rican, your mom's black,

1381
01:05:30,650 --> 01:05:33,000
they must've whupped your ass for no reason sometimes, huh?

1382
01:05:35,320 --> 01:05:36,410
"Hey, son, come here."

1383
01:05:37,840 --> 01:05:38,630
"What's that for?"

1384
01:05:38,850 --> 01:05:40,720
"I know you did some shit when I wasn't here."

1385
01:05:41,920 --> 01:05:43,740
Mexican parents will do, "Mira!"

1386
01:05:50,660 --> 01:05:51,710
They'll beat you, man.

1387
01:05:51,710 --> 01:05:53,970
Indian parents aren't afraid to kill their kids if they have to,

1388
01:05:53,970 --> 01:05:54,750
you know what I mean?

1389
01:05:55,280 --> 01:05:57,500
We're the second largest population in the world.

1390
01:05:57,970 --> 01:05:59,690
Reproduction is not a big deal.

1391
01:06:00,970 --> 01:06:01,970
My dad's theory was,

1392
01:06:01,970 --> 01:06:04,210
"If I get rid of one, I'll just make another one."

1393
01:06:05,130 --> 01:06:07,830
"Then I'll tell the new one what an idiot the last one was."

1394
01:06:11,650 --> 01:06:13,970
You've gotta beat your kids, folks. Please.

1395
01:06:14,090 --> 01:06:15,650
I know a lot of white people don't beat them,

1396
01:06:15,650 --> 01:06:17,720
but I don't understand why you won't beat your kids.

1397
01:06:17,900 --> 01:06:19,610
Please beat them. If you have kids,

1398
01:06:19,800 --> 01:06:22,650
and you haven't beaten them, when you go home tonight,

1399
01:06:25,490 --> 01:06:27,210
shit, when you turn off this DVD,

1400
01:06:27,210 --> 01:06:29,810
I want you to go into your kid's room and

1401
01:06:29,810 --> 01:06:31,340
"Hey, hey, buddy. How you doing?"

1402
01:06:31,770 --> 01:06:33,030
"Hey. Sleeping?"

1403
01:06:33,520 --> 01:06:34,160
"Yeah?"

1404
01:06:35,070 --> 01:06:37,000
"That's good. Have it here?"

1405
01:06:37,300 --> 01:06:38,230
"Uh huh, yeah?"

1406
01:06:38,230 --> 01:06:39,730
Whack! Just one below.

1407
01:06:40,090 --> 01:06:40,930
Whack, you know.

1408
01:06:42,520 --> 01:06:44,140
He's already lying down, he'll sleep it off.

1409
01:06:44,140 --> 01:06:45,200
Don't worry about it, alright?

1410
01:06:47,100 --> 01:06:49,190
You gotta beat 'em, and I'll tell you why.

1411
01:06:49,690 --> 01:06:52,520
Because white kids are now going to school with

1412
01:06:52,520 --> 01:06:56,580
with black kids, and brown kids,

1413
01:06:56,580 --> 01:06:57,510
and Asian kids,

1414
01:06:57,510 --> 01:07:01,030
and they're going to school with multi-cultural kids.

1415
01:07:01,580 --> 01:07:02,940
And all those kids get beaten.

1416
01:07:04,680 --> 01:07:06,520
And they'll all be hanging on the playground,

1417
01:07:06,520 --> 01:07:08,760
having fun with each other, you know what I mean? They'll be--

1418
01:07:09,060 --> 01:07:11,770
they'll be talking about the ass-whupping they got last night.

1419
01:07:13,190 --> 01:07:16,000
Black kid, "My dad beat my ass."
Indian kid, "My dad beat my ass, too."

1420
01:07:16,450 --> 01:07:18,050
Asians, "I got my ass whupped."

1421
01:07:20,590 --> 01:07:22,570
Do you want that white kid to feel left out?

1422
01:07:23,790 --> 01:07:25,960
Beat him, so he's not a social outcast.

1423
01:07:26,450 --> 01:07:27,980
"I got sent to my room."

1424
01:07:28,680 --> 01:07:29,850
"You got a room?"

1425
01:07:37,010 --> 01:07:37,640
Beat them!

1426
01:07:37,640 --> 01:07:39,840
Please. And I'll tell you why you need to beat them. Why else?

1427
01:07:41,090 --> 01:07:43,050
Because when--

1428
01:07:44,150 --> 01:07:45,880
when white kids hang around non-white kids,

1429
01:07:45,880 --> 01:07:47,860
we tend to look at them for advice.

1430
01:07:49,640 --> 01:07:52,960
And it could get us murdered if we listen to their fucked up advice

1431
01:07:53,780 --> 01:07:55,630
on how to deal with our parents.

1432
01:07:56,480 --> 01:07:57,590
I remember when I was 10 years old,

1433
01:07:57,590 --> 01:07:59,370
I hang around this white kid, Ryan.

1434
01:08:01,530 --> 01:08:03,360
Ryan's parents never beat him,

1435
01:08:03,360 --> 01:08:04,890
and they never even yell at him.

1436
01:08:04,890 --> 01:08:06,620
He could do anything he wanted,

1437
01:08:06,620 --> 01:08:08,160
and nothing was gonna happen to him.

1438
01:08:08,620 --> 01:08:10,000
But he was an angry kid.

1439
01:08:10,360 --> 01:08:12,410
I walked into his house after school one day, his mom goes,

1440
01:08:12,410 --> 01:08:14,390
"Ryan, go clean your room."

1441
01:08:15,060 --> 01:08:16,420
"Fuck you, bitch!"

1442
01:08:24,240 --> 01:08:26,670
His mom goes, "What am I gonna do with him?"

1443
01:08:29,460 --> 01:08:30,870
Well, beat his ass!

1444
01:08:34,000 --> 01:08:36,040
I go, "Ryan, you can't talk to your mom like that."

1445
01:08:36,040 --> 01:08:37,890
"Yes I can, she's a fucking idiot!"

1446
01:08:38,930 --> 01:08:40,689
"Don't say that, man. She'll hit you."

1447
01:08:41,290 --> 01:08:43,330
"No she won't. She's not allowed to."

1448
01:08:46,920 --> 01:08:48,310
"What are you talking about, dude?"

1449
01:08:48,630 --> 01:08:49,810
"My parents hit me."

1450
01:08:49,910 --> 01:08:53,250
"Yeah, well, next time they try it, you tell them to fuck off."

1451
01:09:02,740 --> 01:09:03,830
"Are you sure?"

1452
01:09:05,880 --> 01:09:07,960
"Trust me. It works for me."

1453
01:09:09,020 --> 01:09:10,290
So I went home

1454
01:09:11,950 --> 01:09:13,090
for the last time.

1455
01:09:15,740 --> 01:09:16,600
I walked in the house,

1456
01:09:16,600 --> 01:09:18,700
my dad goes, "Russell, come and do the dishes."

1457
01:09:19,470 --> 01:09:20,819
"Fuck you, dad!"

1458
01:09:34,740 --> 01:09:36,390
"What the hell did you just said to me?"

1459
01:09:37,260 --> 01:09:39,010
"Do I look like Ryan's mom?"

1460
01:09:40,870 --> 01:09:43,729
"Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad."

1461
01:09:53,310 --> 01:09:54,740
That was my dad's threat.

1462
01:09:54,920 --> 01:09:56,970
Right before he beat me. Every single time.

1463
01:09:56,970 --> 01:09:57,930
"Russell,"

1464
01:09:58,660 --> 01:10:01,180
"somebody gonna get a hurt real bad."

1465
01:10:02,040 --> 01:10:04,350
I hated that threat. You know why?

1466
01:10:04,350 --> 01:10:05,920
'Cause he always say 'somebody.'

1467
01:10:07,340 --> 01:10:08,840
He'd never tell you it's you.

1468
01:10:09,670 --> 01:10:11,500
I mean, you knew it was you.

1469
01:10:11,840 --> 01:10:13,360
But he gives you this hope.

1470
01:10:16,230 --> 01:10:16,940
"Russell!"

1471
01:10:18,480 --> 01:10:20,770
"Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad."

1472
01:10:22,500 --> 01:10:23,370
"Somebody."

1473
01:10:25,160 --> 01:10:26,430
"I'm not gonna say who."

1474
01:10:27,500 --> 01:10:29,980
"Oh, I think you might know him very well."

1475
01:10:31,580 --> 01:10:34,320
I'm at the back praying, "I hope it's my brother, man. Please."

1476
01:10:34,730 --> 01:10:36,630
"Beat Julio's ass."

1477
01:10:40,020 --> 01:10:42,150
I saw that little brat, Ryan, at school a few days later,

1478
01:10:42,150 --> 01:10:44,510
I was like, "Yo! Your little plan almost got me killed!"

1479
01:10:44,510 --> 01:10:48,190
He goes, "Oh, sorry, dude. I forgot to tell you the other part."

1480
01:10:48,340 --> 01:10:51,640
"If he's still gonna hit you, threaten to phone Child Services."

1481
01:10:54,150 --> 01:10:54,880
"Why?"

1482
01:10:55,440 --> 01:10:58,790
"'Cause if you phone Child Services, they'll come and take your dad away,"

1483
01:10:58,790 --> 01:11:00,960
"and he'll get in trouble. You won't even have to call,"

1484
01:11:00,960 --> 01:11:03,380
"just pretend. It'll scare the shit out of him."

1485
01:11:05,160 --> 01:11:06,280
You're 10 years old,

1486
01:11:06,280 --> 01:11:08,190
you figured out how to scare the shit out of your dad,

1487
01:11:08,470 --> 01:11:10,020
that's like finding kryptonite.

1488
01:11:11,710 --> 01:11:12,820
I thought I'd try it.

1489
01:11:12,820 --> 01:11:14,970
I was about to get my next beating, I stop my dad and go,

1490
01:11:14,970 --> 01:11:16,770
"Don't do it!"

1491
01:11:18,840 --> 01:11:20,820
"I'll phone Child Services."

1492
01:11:24,690 --> 01:11:26,520
You ever had your parents called your bluff?

1493
01:11:27,450 --> 01:11:28,440
"You'll do what?"

1494
01:11:31,690 --> 01:11:34,150
"I'll phone Child Services."

1495
01:11:34,640 --> 01:11:36,220
"Is that right?"

1496
01:11:37,710 --> 01:11:42,340
[SHIVERING SOUND]

1497
01:11:43,520 --> 01:11:45,600
"Well, let me get you the phone, tough guy."

1498
01:11:48,360 --> 01:11:49,420
"What are you doing?"

1499
01:11:49,990 --> 01:11:52,890
"If I phone Child Services, you'll get in trouble."

1500
01:11:52,890 --> 01:11:55,210
"I might get into a little bit of trouble."

1501
01:11:55,970 --> 01:11:59,620
"But I know that it's going to take them 22 minutes to get here."

1502
01:12:01,360 --> 01:12:02,970
"In that time,"

1503
01:12:02,970 --> 01:12:05,660
"somebody gonna get a hurt real bad."

1504
01:12:06,490 --> 01:12:08,320
Thank you very much! Good night.

1505
01:12:08,800 --> 01:12:17,790
[HOUSE MUSIC CONTINUES]