0:00:03.350,0:00:04.740
Ladies and gentlemen,

0:00:06.689,0:00:07.970
ladies and gentlemen,

0:00:07.970,0:00:09.570
please, if you say that,

0:00:09.970,0:00:11.220
gentlemen. My man,

0:00:11.580,0:00:14.540
[MIXED][br]Russell Peters!

0:00:14.540,0:00:22.100
Yeah, brothers know his name.

0:00:22.140,0:00:24.890
Here he is, guys! Russell Peters!

0:00:27.330,0:00:42.930
[HOUSE MUSIC CONTINUES]

0:00:43.400,0:00:44.700
All right.

0:00:45.810,0:00:47.550
How you doing? All right.

0:00:55.170,0:00:58.360
All right, look at you, you filthy downloaders.

0:01:01.420,0:01:02.640
Look at this audience, man.

0:01:02.640,0:01:04.750
Everybody. This is cool, man.

0:01:05.150,0:01:05.860
Everybody.

0:01:05.860,0:01:09.060
We got-- clearly we got some Asians in the house. That's uh...

0:01:12.120,0:01:14.100
I saw all the Honda Civics in the parking lot.

0:01:14.100,0:01:15.410
I knew you were here.

0:01:16.520,0:01:19.450
I thought they were shooting <i>Fast and The Furious Part 3</i> or something.

0:01:21.830,0:01:25.570
Oh, man, and then the brown bastards. Look at you, huh?

0:01:26.540,0:01:27.380
All right.

0:01:27.720,0:01:31.500
There's a lot of closed motels in town right now, I tell you that. There's uh...

0:01:34.450,0:01:37.440
White people, how you doing? White folks, good to see you.

0:01:38.600,0:01:40.400
All right, a white guy with a brown girl.

0:01:40.400,0:01:41.900
Good job, buddy, huh?

0:01:44.460,0:01:46.840
Her parents must be so happy.

0:01:52.900,0:01:53.550
Ha ha.

0:01:54.220,0:01:55.740
There's a brown man with a white woman.

0:01:55.740,0:01:57.480
Nice, see? Balance.

0:02:00.250,0:02:03.080
That's what I'm talking about. He's living the American dream.

0:02:03.850,0:02:05.480
Or at least the Indian dream.

0:02:06.240,0:02:08.949
[INDIAN ACCENT][br]"If I go to America and I get white woman,"

0:02:10.720,0:02:12.270
"I'm ahead of the game."

0:02:18.180,0:02:20.290
Latinos in the house? Where the Latinos at?

0:02:21.770,0:02:23.090
All right, all six of you.

0:02:23.090,0:02:24.340
Good. All right.

0:02:25.300,0:02:28.080
I don't know how the hell we're in California, only six Latinos showed up.

0:02:30.510,0:02:31.720
And black people?

0:02:32.190,0:02:34.390
You clap again. Look at that, hey.

0:02:35.060,0:02:36.960
You got both. You're black and Latino.

0:02:37.200,0:02:38.550
Your credit must suck.

0:02:38.550,0:02:39.840
You're... I just can't...

0:02:46.390,0:02:47.910
Oh, man.

0:02:50.180,0:02:52.050
It's funny, when I say 'Asian,'

0:02:52.050,0:02:53.920
especially in America, when I say 'Asian,'

0:02:53.920,0:02:55.930
people automatically picture in their head,

0:02:55.930,0:02:58.200
[IMITATES CHINESE MUSIC]

0:03:01.150,0:03:03.920
Which is messed up because India is part of Asia,

0:03:03.920,0:03:05.530
and we don't get the same credit.

0:03:06.020,0:03:07.690
When I say 'Asian,' people don't go...

0:03:07.690,0:03:09.760
[IMITATES INDIAN MUSIC]

0:03:12.930,0:03:14.820
We're Asian too, man.

0:03:15.630,0:03:18.610
When God was making Asians, he made two types of Asians.

0:03:19.230,0:03:21.460
And you guys got first choice on looks.

0:03:22.370,0:03:24.030
And you fucked us on the deal.

0:03:26.860,0:03:28.670
"Yeah, well, we'll take eyes."

0:03:39.750,0:03:41.960
"You guys can have noses and hair."

0:03:43.470,0:03:44.560
My people are greedy,

0:03:44.560,0:03:47.010
"We heard two! We got two! That's a good deal, two!"

0:03:49.290,0:03:51.340
"Noses and hair!"

0:03:53.010,0:03:55.380
We didn't know it was gonna be big noses and body hair.

0:03:55.380,0:03:56.670
That's a shit deal!

0:04:03.570,0:04:05.780
We're a hairy race of people, man.

0:04:06.460,0:04:09.110
It's hot as hell in India, and we're hairy.

0:04:10.660,0:04:12.680
Who the hell came up with that deal?

0:04:13.290,0:04:15.090
I think the God that was making Indian people

0:04:15.090,0:04:17.760
was having some sort of practical joke with all the other Gods.

0:04:17.940,0:04:20.279
He was like, "Hey, guys, come here and watch this. Watch this."

0:04:21.850,0:04:24.140
"Buddha, put down the drink. Come here. Come here."

0:04:25.870,0:04:26.670
"OK, look."

0:04:26.670,0:04:28.710
"I'm going to take these people here."

0:04:29.740,0:04:32.400
"And put them in the hottest place in the world."

0:04:33.550,0:04:35.630
"And just for fun,"

0:04:37.980,0:04:39.330
"I'll cover them with hair."

0:04:42.020,0:04:43.800
It's hot and we're hairy.

0:04:44.410,0:04:45.900
Men and women.

0:04:51.150,0:04:53.030
Indian girls getting mad, pulling down their sleeves,

0:04:53.030,0:04:54.710
"I hate this son of a bitch!"

0:05:05.770,0:05:07.910
It's OK nowadays that chicks have hair,

0:05:07.910,0:05:09.970
Nowadays chicks can take care of it, you know what I mean?

0:05:10.300,0:05:12.100
Chicks have hair they don't want nowadays, they can get rid of it.

0:05:12.100,0:05:14.010
All kinds of hair removing methods as,

0:05:14.010,0:05:16.920
There's waxing, there's electrolysis, there's threading, there's...

0:05:16.920,0:05:18.260
laser hair removal.

0:05:18.260,0:05:21.920
They have hair they don't want now,[br][IMITATES ELECTROLYSIS]

0:05:24.400,0:05:25.160
It's gone!

0:05:25.160,0:05:27.140
They're removing it from their assholes now.

0:05:29.830,0:05:31.960
How hairy were your assholes before this?

0:05:38.240,0:05:39.480
You know they used to do in the eighties,

0:05:39.480,0:05:40.880
when chicks have hair they didn't want?

0:05:40.880,0:05:42.330
They used to bleach it.

0:05:44.370,0:05:47.740
I'm like, "Sweetheart, we don't have a problem with the <i>color</i> of your mustache."

0:05:53.660,0:05:56.090
"It's not like the blond goatie looks better."

0:06:02.690,0:06:04.810
And the Asians are not hairy at all.

0:06:05.370,0:06:08.370
Full head of hair on their head, and nothing on their body.

0:06:08.720,0:06:10.490
Very rarely do you see a bald Asian.

0:06:10.490,0:06:12.760
Well, unless they shave it off, you know what I mean? But...

0:06:14.540,0:06:15.410
Oh, man.

0:06:15.410,0:06:17.430
And when I say 'Asian,' you know what's funny? When I say 'Asian,'

0:06:17.430,0:06:18.910
people automatically think Chinese.

0:06:18.910,0:06:20.780
People go, "Chinese, yes, Asians, Chinese."

0:06:20.780,0:06:22.960
"That's all they are. All the Asians are Chinese."

0:06:24.910,0:06:26.350
Look at them, yelling out their last name.

0:06:26.350,0:06:28.400
So proud, that's cool. But, uh...

0:06:38.570,0:06:39.100
But it's funny.

0:06:39.100,0:06:40.930
People do think all Asians are Chinese.

0:06:40.930,0:06:42.770
That's what they think. "All Asians are Chinese."

0:06:42.770,0:06:45.500
"They all speak Chinese, they look Chinese. That's what they are, and that's what they do."

0:06:46.790,0:06:47.680
That's not the case.

0:06:47.680,0:06:49.360
There's so many different types of Asians.

0:06:49.360,0:06:50.060
You know what I mean?

0:06:50.060,0:06:52.010
Sure, you may not be able to tell right away,

0:06:52.010,0:06:53.400
by looking at Asian people,

0:06:53.400,0:06:55.250
You could take an educated guess.

0:06:55.250,0:06:57.450
Sometimes certain things stand out,

0:06:57.450,0:06:59.320
and you go, "Oh, I know what kind of Asian you are."

0:07:00.260,0:07:03.460
But if you really want to learn the differences between different Asian groups,

0:07:03.460,0:07:06.020
you can tell by when they speak English. That's how you can tell.

0:07:06.330,0:07:08.730
Now, just to get a feel for the Asians that are in the room tonight,

0:07:08.730,0:07:11.240
Um, do we have any Vietnamese people here tonight?

0:07:11.240,0:07:12.190
Vietnamese people?

0:07:13.350,0:07:15.110
All right, like one guy hiding upstairs too.

0:07:15.110,0:07:16.630
[IMITATES VIETNAMESE][br]Tou mah!

0:07:27.060,0:07:29.130
Any Koreans in the house? Koreans in the house?

0:07:30.090,0:07:32.100
All right, that's two closed dry cleaners.

0:07:32.100,0:07:33.380
Nice. That's uh...

0:07:36.560,0:07:37.260
Filipinos?

0:07:37.260,0:07:38.920
Oh, yeah, I see you right there.

0:07:39.390,0:07:41.390
I knew you guys were Filipino right away

0:07:41.390,0:07:42.610
'cause you keep staring at the microphone,

0:07:42.610,0:07:44.330
like there's gonna be karaoke after the show.

0:07:44.330,0:07:45.300
I can see it too.

0:07:51.220,0:07:54.340
"I hope this Bombay hurries up with the show please, 'cause, uh..."

0:07:54.890,0:07:56.070
"I want to get up there and sing."

0:07:56.070,0:07:57.250
[IMITATES TAGALOG][br]"<i>Utahkeenah</i>, hurry!"

0:08:02.670,0:08:04.640
And Chinese people, where you at? Chinese folks?

0:08:07.130,0:08:08.850
Nice. That's good, man.

0:08:08.850,0:08:11.090
You can tell by when Asian groups are speaking English.

0:08:11.090,0:08:12.500
That's how you can tell where they're from.

0:08:12.500,0:08:13.320
I'll give you an example.

0:08:13.320,0:08:14.600
Vietnamese people,

0:08:14.600,0:08:15.740
you can tell when they're speaking English,

0:08:15.740,0:08:17.670
you can tell they're Vietnamese 'cause when they speak English,

0:08:17.670,0:08:19.230
they speak it really fast.

0:08:19.540,0:08:20.830
Like they know it.

0:08:24.090,0:08:25.580
But they end up speaking English so fast,

0:08:25.580,0:08:28.290
that it ends up sounding like Vietnamese all over again.

0:08:29.330,0:08:31.160
I got cussed out by this Vietnamese guy,

0:08:31.160,0:08:32.370
this what he says to me, he goes,

0:08:32.370,0:08:34.190
[IMITATES VIETNAMESE ACCENT][br]"Fuck you, OK, you fucking blow job!"

0:08:37.380,0:08:39.390
He called me a fucking blow job.

0:08:40.970,0:08:43.289
Have you ever been called a blow job before?

0:08:44.179,0:08:46.260
Do you realize if somebody calls you a blow job,

0:08:46.260,0:08:48.340
there is not one good comeback...

0:08:50.080,0:08:51.950
There's nothing you can say that will sound cool.

0:08:51.950,0:08:53.150
"You fucking blow job!"

0:08:54.890,0:08:55.570
"Yeah?"

0:08:58.550,0:08:59.750
"So are you."

0:09:03.120,0:09:04.720
That's why I like different cultures, you know.

0:09:04.720,0:09:05.630
Different cultures,

0:09:05.630,0:09:08.190
different words mean different things to them in English, and,

0:09:08.190,0:09:10.100
and in their language are, you know what I mean?

0:09:10.100,0:09:11.140
Like, I'm from Toronto.

0:09:11.140,0:09:13.190
In Toronto, there's a Vietnamese restaurant,

0:09:13.190,0:09:14.550
called <i>Pho Phuc Lai</i>.

0:09:16.800,0:09:19.180
P, H, O, P, H, U, C,

0:09:19.680,0:09:20.550
L, A, I.

0:09:21.110,0:09:22.120
Pho Phuc Lai.

0:09:23.490,0:09:24.820
I used to call them when I was a kid,

0:09:24.820,0:09:26.650
just to have the guy answer the phone, you know.

0:09:27.830,0:09:28.900
"Pho Phuc Lai."

0:09:30.290,0:09:31.660
"Ha ha ha!"

0:09:39.340,0:09:40.750
Pho Phuc Lai.

0:09:41.220,0:09:43.310
Doesn't it sound like a whole new level of lying?

0:09:43.490,0:09:45.950
"Hey, don't lie! That's a <i>pho phuc lai</i>!"

0:09:48.800,0:09:49.930
"You fucking blow job!"

0:09:56.330,0:09:57.970
You can tell when Koreans are speaking English,

0:09:57.970,0:09:59.390
'cause when Korean people speak English,

0:09:59.390,0:10:01.010
they sound like they're out of breath.

0:10:01.320,0:10:02.400
Like they just ran a marathon.

0:10:02.400,0:10:06.170
[BREATHING HEAVILY]

0:10:06.170,0:10:08.530
"You don't..."

0:10:09.150,0:10:12.190
"...make any jokes..."

0:10:12.190,0:10:13.550
"...about..."

0:10:13.750,0:10:16.180
"...the Koreans."

0:10:18.270,0:10:19.320
[IMITATES ASTHMA INHALER]

0:10:25.820,0:10:28.030
I know how to count to six in Korean.

0:10:28.230,0:10:29.720
Not impressive, but it beats, you know,

0:10:29.720,0:10:31.890
learning how to swear in somebody's language, you know what I mean?

0:10:32.060,0:10:34.040
When we get mad, the first thing you do when you learn somebody's language,

0:10:34.040,0:10:35.080
we learn how to curse, right?

0:10:35.080,0:10:36.630
When we get mad at people when they come here,

0:10:36.630,0:10:38.840
and the first thing they learn is how to swear at you.

0:10:39.180,0:10:40.650
I mean, we're like, "Oh, that's so ignorant."

0:10:40.650,0:10:43.300
Did you hear me walk into a store, going, "Hello, motherfucker."

0:10:44.350,0:10:46.070
That's what he learned, you know what I mean?

0:10:46.400,0:10:48.260
I learned how to count to six, it's not impressive, but...

0:10:48.260,0:10:49.550
I learned... and I'm not being a dick,

0:10:49.550,0:10:51.910
I really did learn how to count to six from my dry cleaner.

0:10:52.540,0:10:54.110
I did. I will drop my shirts off,

0:10:54.110,0:10:56.150
and then she'll count them, and I'll count along with her.

0:10:56.150,0:10:57.250
So I learned, right? I did it.

0:10:57.250,0:10:58.680
So, here I count to six. Ready?

0:10:58.680,0:11:00.140
"<i>Uhrana</i>."

0:11:00.920,0:11:02.710
"<i>Shura</i>."

0:11:03.340,0:11:05.490
"<i>Sureeah</i>."

0:11:06.170,0:11:07.790
"<i>Uurah</i>."

0:11:08.310,0:11:10.070
"<i>Haibah</i>."

0:11:10.600,0:11:11.550
"<i>Shexah</i>!"

0:11:15.170,0:11:16.180
Shexah?

0:11:17.210,0:11:18.400
"Are you Jewish?"

0:11:21.780,0:11:23.630
You can tell when Chinese people are speaking English.

0:11:23.630,0:11:24.990
When Chinese people speak English,

0:11:24.990,0:11:26.950
it sounds like they're chopping vegetables with the words.

0:11:26.950,0:11:27.800
You know what I mean?

0:11:27.800,0:11:29.630
[IMITATES CHINESE ACCENT][br]"You don't go nowhere quick!"

0:11:35.620,0:11:36.900
"Don't say nothing bad!"

0:11:39.030,0:11:39.910
"Don't say nothing what?"

0:11:39.910,0:11:40.560
"Bad."

0:11:41.700,0:11:43.970
How did you just make a short word even shorter?

0:11:50.860,0:11:53.200
I learned about the cultures 'cause I travel around, you know what I mean?

0:11:53.200,0:11:55.000
I did shows in Vietnam a few years ago.

0:11:55.000,0:11:57.220
I had a good time in Vietnam. Vietnam is a great place.

0:11:57.220,0:11:59.960
Hot as shit! Hot as hell in Vietnam.

0:11:59.960,0:12:01.620
Like, when an Indian guy tells you it's hot,

0:12:01.620,0:12:03.330
trust me, it was hot!

0:12:04.860,0:12:06.740
Good place. Nice people.

0:12:06.740,0:12:08.610
I didn't know until I went to Vietnam,

0:12:08.610,0:12:10.540
that you can actually use a scooter,

0:12:10.540,0:12:11.820
as a minivan.

0:12:13.240,0:12:14.040
I didn't know.

0:12:15.570,0:12:18.680
You will see an entire family on a scooter.

0:12:19.930,0:12:21.460
Like, dad will sit here, right,

0:12:21.460,0:12:22.680
on the little piece of seat.

0:12:22.920,0:12:24.540
And a small child will sit there.

0:12:24.800,0:12:27.080
And then another small child will stand in front.

0:12:27.490,0:12:30.140
And then mom will sit off to the side at the back like that.

0:12:30.390,0:12:32.800
And then another kid will sit off to the side this way.

0:12:32.900,0:12:34.760
And one more kid will face that way.

0:12:35.170,0:12:36.780
And there'll be three kids doing back flips

0:12:36.780,0:12:38.480
while he's driving on the street.

0:12:40.180,0:12:41.130
When you saw that here,

0:12:41.130,0:12:42.640
that'll be stuffs you see like, at the circus,

0:12:42.640,0:12:44.240
like, "Do not attempt to do this at home,"

0:12:44.240,0:12:46.090
"these are professional stunt drivers."

0:12:46.090,0:12:48.600
And there will be six white guys and they'll be driving real careful.

0:12:50.150,0:12:51.390
In Vietnam, it's the entire family.

0:12:51.390,0:12:54.950
Dad's weaving in and out of traffic.[br][IMITATES HONKING SOUND]

0:12:55.100,0:12:57.830
Mom's on the back, eating.[br][IMITATES HONKING SOUND]

0:13:04.170,0:13:05.480
Good place, Vietnam. I did...

0:13:05.480,0:13:07.830
And if there's any other reason to go to Vietnam,

0:13:07.830,0:13:09.650
I'll tell you what it is. For their money.

0:13:09.970,0:13:12.050
The money in Vietnam is dope. Do you know what it's called?

0:13:12.050,0:13:12.930
Dong.

0:13:13.810,0:13:15.800
That's... That's the name of their money.

0:13:15.800,0:13:16.560
Dong.

0:13:16.820,0:13:17.670
It's worth going there

0:13:17.670,0:13:19.420
just to have a woman you don't know walks up and go,

0:13:19.420,0:13:20.380
"Excuse me, sir."

0:13:21.220,0:13:22.790
"Could you give me some dong?"

0:13:29.390,0:13:30.690
"Yes, I can."

0:13:34.820,0:13:37.040
"Would you like some schlong with that dong? Would you..."

0:13:40.860,0:13:42.000
I love that term 'schlong.'

0:13:42.000,0:13:43.250
Doesn't it sound gross?

0:13:43.630,0:13:45.780
White guys came up with that term for sure, right?

0:13:46.290,0:13:47.490
"Hey, dude, there I was,"

0:13:47.490,0:13:49.250
"as I whipped up my schlong."

0:13:50.220,0:13:51.460
'Schlong.'

0:13:51.460,0:13:52.610
Sounds wet.

0:13:53.680,0:13:55.080
I don't even have schlong.

0:13:55.080,0:13:56.500
You know, I got a slurt.

0:13:57.370,0:13:58.140
I got uh...

0:14:00.410,0:14:02.490
Hey, dude, the show's up here, okay?

0:14:10.240,0:14:12.090
"I'm not a piece of meat."

0:14:19.440,0:14:21.170
Went to China last year, mainland.

0:14:21.170,0:14:22.500
Chinese people, where are you? Right there?

0:14:22.500,0:14:23.290
You're over there?

0:14:24.180,0:14:25.410
You're over here too. Look at that.

0:14:25.410,0:14:26.910
- You Chinese too, bro?[br]- Yeah.

0:14:26.910,0:14:28.710
Yeah? You looked upset about that.

0:14:29.950,0:14:31.360
"You Chinese too?" He was like, "Yeah..."

0:14:33.540,0:14:35.700
"I try to do this a lot, but it doesn't work."

0:14:38.040,0:14:39.980
"Now I'm a Powrish."

0:14:46.150,0:14:47.530
What's you name, Chinese guy?

0:14:47.870,0:14:48.460
I'm Vincent.

0:14:48.670,0:14:50.960
Vincent, that's what I thought when I looked at you, I was like,

0:14:51.590,0:14:53.590
That guy there is Vincent.

0:14:54.330,0:14:55.860
Do you have a Chinese name as well, Vincent?

0:14:55.860,0:14:56.230
Yeah.

0:14:56.230,0:14:57.190
What is it, Vincent?

0:14:57.190,0:14:58.160
Uh, Liung Ay Hyung.

0:14:58.160,0:15:00.560
Oh, slow down, hammer. I'm not Chinese, you know what I mean?

0:15:03.060,0:15:04.770
You ain't got to say it all proper for me.

0:15:04.770,0:15:06.040
[IMITATES CHINESE ACCENT][br]"Tung Lor Deah."

0:15:06.430,0:15:07.830
"Oh, really?"[br]You know.

0:15:08.770,0:15:10.090
Say it again, Vincent. Go ahead, buddy.

0:15:10.090,0:15:11.020
Liung Ay Hyung.

0:15:11.020,0:15:12.430
Leong Eey Hung?

0:15:14.630,0:15:16.590
You just made shit up. I could tell right there.

0:15:17.790,0:15:19.260
He was like swallowing or something.

0:15:19.260,0:15:20.400
Ong Ah...

0:15:21.110,0:15:22.020
Ah.

0:15:23.060,0:15:24.940
And you're Chinese as well? So what's your name?

0:15:25.090,0:15:25.580
Catherine.

0:15:25.710,0:15:27.530
Catherine, yes, absolutely.

0:15:28.590,0:15:30.060
You know those Chinese couples,

0:15:30.060,0:15:31.680
Catherine and Vincent?

0:15:35.430,0:15:37.070
You have a Chinese name too, Catherine?

0:15:37.070,0:15:38.800
Is yours as confusing as Vincent's?

0:15:39.290,0:15:40.210
What is it? Go ahead.

0:15:40.210,0:15:41.260
Giu Lay Mi.

0:15:41.390,0:15:42.660
Giu Lay Moy.

0:15:44.580,0:15:45.760
"Do I like your what?"

0:15:47.620,0:15:48.950
"Giu lie moy."

0:15:50.600,0:15:51.300
"Tits."

0:16:00.250,0:16:01.470
Giu Lie Moy.

0:16:02.370,0:16:04.140
That sounds sexy, man.

0:16:04.540,0:16:06.890
But that's one of those names you brag about to your friend,

0:16:06.890,0:16:07.850
you know what I mean?

0:16:07.850,0:16:10.060
Like if I said, "Yeah, man, I banged this chick named Catherine."

0:16:10.060,0:16:11.900
My friends will be like, "Oh, who cares?" You know?

0:16:11.900,0:16:13.980
If I was like "Yo, I banged this chick named Giu Lay Moy."

0:16:15.170,0:16:17.020
"Did you videotape this shit? Did you..."

0:16:18.570,0:16:20.050
"Man, it's exotic!"

0:16:22.850,0:16:24.810
Where are your family-- where are your families from?

0:16:25.080,0:16:25.730
The bay area.

0:16:25.730,0:16:27.580
The bay area. That's what I thought when I looked at you.

0:16:27.580,0:16:28.380
I uh...

0:16:29.020,0:16:30.090
But, before that?

0:16:31.790,0:16:32.710
Uh, East Canton.

0:16:33.080,0:16:34.050
- Hong Kong?[br]- Yeah.

0:16:34.050,0:16:35.350
- And you too?[br]- China.

0:16:35.350,0:16:36.960
- China. Mainland?[br]- Yeah.

0:16:36.960,0:16:37.920
What part?

0:16:38.460,0:16:39.410
You don't know.

0:16:40.190,0:16:41.830
You just accepted it at face value?

0:16:41.830,0:16:43.140
"Mom, dad, where are you from?"

0:16:43.140,0:16:43.890
"China."

0:16:51.210,0:16:51.920
"What part?"

0:16:51.920,0:16:52.840
"Downtown."

0:17:01.390,0:17:02.790
"Downtown China."

0:17:03.570,0:17:05.440
"Okay, Catherine? No more question."

0:17:12.619,0:17:14.790
Can you speak Mandarin or Cantonese or anything?

0:17:15.119,0:17:15.630
Cantonese?

0:17:15.630,0:17:19.099
So they're from obviously a Cantonese part of mainland China, see?

0:17:21.380,0:17:22.560
See how I did it?

0:17:23.530,0:17:25.730
And obviously you speak Cantonese, right, Vincent?

0:17:25.730,0:17:27.250
'Cause your parents are from Hong Kong.

0:17:27.250,0:17:28.530
See, I know the difference.

0:17:28.530,0:17:29.290
People don't know the difference.

0:17:29.290,0:17:31.250
People just think, "Oh, Chinese people speak Chinese,"

0:17:31.250,0:17:33.980
which is pretty ignorant 'cause there's no language called Chinese.

0:17:33.980,0:17:35.190
It's like when people come up to me and they're like,

0:17:35.190,0:17:37.580
"Hey, Russell, how do you say 'hi' in Indian?"

0:17:39.270,0:17:40.960
I'm like, "Well, there's no language called Indian,"

0:17:40.960,0:17:42.170
"so I don't know if you're asking me."

0:17:42.290,0:17:43.840
"All right, smart ass."

0:17:46.840,0:17:48.530
"How do they say 'hello' in India?"

0:17:49.410,0:17:49.970
Like this.

0:17:49.970,0:17:51.700
[IMITATES INDIAN ACCENT][br]"Hellooo!"

0:18:01.900,0:18:03.100
Just to clear it up, if you don't know,

0:18:03.100,0:18:05.450
there's the two main languages in the Chinese culture. They...

0:18:05.450,0:18:06.970
Cantonese and Mandarin,

0:18:06.970,0:18:09.050
And then they have a bunch of, like, small village languages

0:18:09.050,0:18:10.120
that even other Chinese people go,

0:18:10.120,0:18:11.600
"I don't know what she's saying."

0:18:15.840,0:18:18.440
And Cantonese they speak in Hong Kong,

0:18:18.440,0:18:19.850
for the most part, and in

0:18:19.850,0:18:22.540
and in mainland China, like around Beijing and Shanghai and those areas,

0:18:22.540,0:18:23.490
they speak Mandarin.

0:18:23.490,0:18:24.870
And now, if you're thinking,

0:18:24.870,0:18:27.180
if you're picturing somebody speaking Chinese in your head,

0:18:27.180,0:18:28.340
and it sounds really funny,

0:18:28.340,0:18:29.800
you're picturing Cantonese.

0:18:30.780,0:18:34.000
because Cantonese is the funnier sounding out of the two languages, isn't it?

0:18:34.000,0:18:35.970
It's the more flamboyant, you know what I mean?

0:18:35.970,0:18:38.200
It's the one with the extended-sounding words, you know.

0:18:38.200,0:18:40.740
[IMITATES CANTONESE][br]"Tung maaaahh!"

0:18:41.890,0:18:43.980
Like when I was in Hong Kong I heard people speaking Cantonese,

0:18:43.980,0:18:45.980
and that was the funniest shit I've heard in my life.

0:18:46.360,0:18:47.540
'Cause sometimes they speak,

0:18:47.540,0:18:49.150
and it sounds like they're falling off a cliff, you know?

0:18:49.150,0:18:52.300
[IMITATES CANTONESE][br]"Tung Laaaahhhh!"

0:18:56.610,0:18:58.060
And if you're not familiar with their languages,

0:18:58.060,0:19:00.700
we wouldn't even know if somebody wasn't speaking Cantonese properly.

0:19:00.700,0:19:03.090
I wouldn't even know if the guy was stuttering when he's speaking Cantonese,

0:19:03.090,0:19:03.730
you know what I mean?

0:19:03.730,0:19:05.520
He will be stuttering his ass and we wouldn't know.

0:19:05.520,0:19:08.290
[IMITATES STUTTERING CANTONESE]

0:19:09.160,0:19:11.760
[IMITATES STUTTERING CANTONESE]

0:19:13.050,0:19:15.590
[IMITATES STUTTERING CANTONESE]

0:19:16.840,0:19:19.490
[IMITATES STUTTERING CANTONESE]

0:19:20.310,0:19:21.440
You just walk away from that guy,

0:19:21.440,0:19:23.180
"He's speaking his ass off over there. He's..."

0:19:28.140,0:19:30.680
But Cantonese is the more fun sounding language,

0:19:30.680,0:19:31.420
you know what I mean?

0:19:31.420,0:19:33.980
I remember when I was in Hong Kong, I woke up in the morning in the hotel,

0:19:33.980,0:19:35.830
I was yawning and I'm walking to the lobby,

0:19:35.830,0:19:37.200
apparently I say some shit in Chinese.

0:19:37.200,0:19:38.180
I have no clue.

0:19:38.430,0:19:40.180
I'm walking through and all I was like,

0:19:40.180,0:19:41.780
"Oohh, aahh!"

0:19:42.090,0:19:43.210
And the hotel manager ran out,

0:19:43.210,0:19:46.030
"Hey, asshole! You don't swear in the hotel, okay?"

0:19:46.840,0:19:47.990
"You watch your mouth!"

0:19:48.700,0:19:49.790
"Be a man!"

0:20:02.110,0:20:04.490
But it's a very fun sounding language, you know what I mean?

0:20:05.810,0:20:07.490
Now, Mandarin, which they speak in Beijing,

0:20:07.490,0:20:10.340
and I had the chance to go to mainland China last year.

0:20:10.340,0:20:12.320
I learned the difference between the Cantonese and Mandarin,

0:20:12.320,0:20:13.590
and I'll help you with it right now.

0:20:13.590,0:20:14.770
Mandarin, you'll know right away,

0:20:14.770,0:20:16.080
now that you know what Cantonese sounds like.

0:20:16.080,0:20:17.540
You'll know right away if somebody was speaking Mandarin,

0:20:17.540,0:20:18.870
'cause it's way different.

0:20:18.870,0:20:20.930
It sounds way more chilled out, you know what I mean?

0:20:20.930,0:20:21.990
It's a little bit more relaxed.

0:20:21.990,0:20:23.190
It sounds a little bit more aggressive,

0:20:23.190,0:20:25.220
'cause it sounds like they're grinding their teeth when they're speaking.

0:20:25.220,0:20:26.990
Especially in Beijing, when they talk, they have that...

0:20:26.990,0:20:29.010
[IMITATES MANDARIN][br]"Hao hao, se, se, sur."

0:20:30.090,0:20:32.810
[IMITATES MANDARIN]

0:20:33.230,0:20:36.080
[IMITATES MANDARIN][br]"Sur, you son of a bitch!" Like that.

0:20:41.140,0:20:42.920
Much very different, you know what I mean?

0:20:43.280,0:20:44.550
And in Mandarin, they have...

0:20:44.550,0:20:45.810
You know when you're speaking English,

0:20:45.810,0:20:47.540
we have words that we use to stall,

0:20:47.540,0:20:48.820
'till we get to the next word.

0:20:48.820,0:20:50.270
Little shit words we shove into a sentence,

0:20:50.270,0:20:52.320
words like 'like,' or 'um,' or

0:20:52.320,0:20:54.540
'you know,' 'but uh,'

0:20:54.540,0:20:57.160
'sort of,' 'like, you know,'

0:20:57.480,0:20:59.010
'but you know.'

0:20:59.310,0:21:01.510
Just little crappy words that we shove into sentence,

0:21:01.510,0:21:03.280
while we're thinking up the next word, you know what I mean?

0:21:03.280,0:21:04.220
To stall.

0:21:04.220,0:21:06.730
Well, in Mandarin they have one word that they love to use,

0:21:06.730,0:21:08.670
and it sounds really messed up in English.

0:21:09.020,0:21:10.200
But this... You know what I'm saying.

0:21:10.200,0:21:11.130
This Chinese guy's like,

0:21:11.130,0:21:12.940
"I know! I know! I know the word."

0:21:14.040,0:21:15.570
So you know I'm not making it up, right?

0:21:15.570,0:21:16.330
This is the word.

0:21:16.330,0:21:17.520
All I hear while I'm in Beijing,

0:21:17.520,0:21:19.140
people talking, all I'm hearing is uh...

0:21:19.140,0:21:21.600
[IMITATES MANDARIN]

0:21:21.600,0:21:22.960
[IMITATES MANDARIN][br]"Neegah..."

0:21:26.970,0:21:29.870
"Neegah..."

0:21:30.160,0:21:34.460
"Neegah, neegah, neegah..."

0:21:36.270,0:21:37.620
That's their word!

0:21:38.210,0:21:40.010
Now this is a true story.

0:21:40.980,0:21:43.210
I was at KFC in Beijing.

0:21:45.970,0:21:47.560
'Cause I went to China

0:21:47.560,0:21:49.640
to eat Kentucky Fried Chicken, right? So...

0:21:50.200,0:21:52.090
I'm at KFC in Beijing,

0:21:52.090,0:21:53.330
I'm standing in line,

0:21:53.330,0:21:55.050
and standing in line in front of me

0:21:55.050,0:21:56.150
is a black woman.

0:21:56.710,0:21:58.280
I did not put her there.

0:21:59.800,0:22:02.700
She was there. I swear, you can't make this shit up.

0:22:03.580,0:22:06.670
As I'm standing in line, there's this black woman standing in line in front of me.

0:22:07.020,0:22:08.920
The only black woman in China,

0:22:10.780,0:22:12.460
and she found the chicken, that's all I'm saying.

0:22:12.460,0:22:13.720
All right? That's all I'm saying.

0:22:18.110,0:22:20.260
I don't make the stereotypes, I just see them.

0:22:23.280,0:22:25.440
So I'm standing in line, and this black woman is standing in front of me,

0:22:25.440,0:22:26.750
and she's a Nigerian woman.

0:22:26.750,0:22:28.090
I know she's Nigerian,

0:22:28.090,0:22:31.050
'cause she's having a tough time with the menu and she keeps looking at me.

0:22:32.210,0:22:33.960
[IMITATES NIGERIAN ACCENT][br]"I don't know what to order."

0:22:35.820,0:22:38.000
I'm like, "Look at the menu!"[br]Right? So...

0:22:42.020,0:22:44.990
She's like "Eh!"ing and "Oh!"ing and everything's okay then, right? So...

0:22:45.300,0:22:47.280
I said "You should try the popcorn !Xhicken."

0:22:47.730,0:22:48.450
So...

0:22:52.200,0:22:53.700
So I was standing in line, right?

0:22:54.080,0:22:56.630
And this little Chinese kid runs in with his mom,

0:22:56.630,0:22:58.320
and he runs to the front of the counter, right?

0:22:58.430,0:23:00.760
And he's looking at the menu trying to figure out what he wants to eat,

0:23:00.760,0:23:02.280
now his mom's standing over there,

0:23:02.280,0:23:04.050
and the Nigerian woman's standing right here.

0:23:04.320,0:23:06.160
And he's trying to tell his mom what he wants to eat,

0:23:06.160,0:23:07.260
but he's not really sure.

0:23:07.260,0:23:09.020
So all you see happening is uh...

0:23:09.020,0:23:10.950
[IMITATES MANDARIN]

0:23:10.950,0:23:12.480
"Neegah..."

0:23:13.240,0:23:15.550
"Neegah..."

0:23:16.310,0:23:18.620
"Neegah..."

0:23:19.700,0:23:21.260
And the Nigerian woman looks at me,

0:23:21.260,0:23:23.660
like I'm supposed to beat the shit out of this kid, right?

0:23:24.150,0:23:25.810
"Why don't you hit him?"

0:23:26.910,0:23:29.030
I'm like, "Here's a straw. Get him yourself."

0:23:29.820,0:23:30.430
[BLOWGUN SOUND]

0:23:47.180,0:23:48.090
I had a good time in China.

0:23:48.090,0:23:50.380
You know what sucked, though, when I went to China?

0:23:50.380,0:23:51.120
I'm not making this up.

0:23:51.120,0:23:53.570
The airline lost my suitcase

0:23:53.570,0:23:54.840
on the way to China.

0:23:56.360,0:23:57.270
<i>On the way</i>.

0:23:58.170,0:24:00.330
How do you lose shit on the way to somewhere?

0:24:01.130,0:24:03.740
I get to China, I have nothing with me, right?

0:24:04.330,0:24:05.560
'Cause they lost my suitcase.

0:24:05.560,0:24:06.580
So I get to China,

0:24:06.580,0:24:07.890
all I had with me, 'cause I'm an idiot,

0:24:07.890,0:24:09.220
all I had was my hand luggage,

0:24:09.220,0:24:12.290
and in my hand luggage, all I packed was a portable DVD player,

0:24:12.290,0:24:15.610
a Discman, some CDs, some DVDs, some magazines.

0:24:15.610,0:24:16.950
'Cause I figured long trip like that

0:24:16.950,0:24:18.090
I want to be entertained.

0:24:18.090,0:24:22.780
And then my underwear and my socks and my toothbrush and my deodorant--

0:24:23.720,0:24:25.260
My deodorant...

0:24:26.350,0:24:29.480
will be in my suitcase which will meet me in China,

0:24:29.480,0:24:32.340
which never met me in China.

0:24:33.410,0:24:35.790
And I got to be honest with you, as a brown man,

0:24:37.020,0:24:38.730
we need our deodorant, all right?

0:24:39.520,0:24:41.330
Don't give me the look, 'cause you know you need it.

0:24:41.330,0:24:43.690
Don't walk around, "No, no, I'm good, I'm just... I'm good."

0:24:43.690,0:24:44.280
No, no, no.

0:24:44.280,0:24:46.820
You need the fucking deodorant, all right? That's what you need.

0:24:50.840,0:24:52.140
Because the rumors are already...

0:24:52.140,0:24:54.470
people have already said, "Oh, Indian people, they stink!"

0:24:54.700,0:24:56.040
Let me tell you something, Indian people don't stink.

0:24:56.040,0:24:58.040
Let me tell you what happens to my people.

0:25:00.120,0:25:01.870
We expire

0:25:03.220,0:25:04.820
quicker than other people.

0:25:05.760,0:25:07.560
And after 25 hours on a plane,

0:25:07.560,0:25:09.730
I was thoroughly expired.

0:25:11.480,0:25:14.070
I stunk so bad, I walked into the airport in Beijing,

0:25:14.070,0:25:15.160
Chinese people there were going,

0:25:15.160,0:25:16.600
"Oh, God, you stink."

0:25:17.970,0:25:19.170
"You're from India."

0:25:20.760,0:25:21.940
"Well, go to hell!"

0:25:22.980,0:25:24.340
"I'm from Canada."

0:25:26.080,0:25:28.110
"That's how Canadians smell."

0:25:33.340,0:25:35.800
So now, I have a show that night and I have no clothes,

0:25:35.800,0:25:37.220
and I'm wearing sweatpants, sweatshirt,

0:25:37.220,0:25:38.660
baseball hat, running shoes, you know what I mean?

0:25:38.660,0:25:40.420
I'm... I'm dressed for comfort.

0:25:40.420,0:25:41.530
I can't go on stage like that,

0:25:41.530,0:25:43.220
so I have to go to this mall in Beijing

0:25:43.220,0:25:44.430
to go buy some clothes.

0:25:44.780,0:25:46.430
Now, I didn't know this until I got there,

0:25:46.430,0:25:47.990
but apparently in China,

0:25:47.990,0:25:49.900
I'm Shaquile O'Neal.

0:25:56.150,0:25:57.990
I go to the mall, I walk into the store, I'm like,

0:25:57.990,0:26:00.210
"Hey, do you have 10.5 or 11 on that shoes?"

0:26:00.210,0:26:01.140
"Uh, no."

0:26:02.710,0:26:03.930
"How about an eight?"

0:26:08.940,0:26:11.080
"How about I can't negotiate my foot size with you?"

0:26:11.080,0:26:11.880
How about that?

0:26:15.900,0:26:18.070
"Alright, how about a 36 on those pants?"

0:26:18.070,0:26:20.210
"36 is too big!"

0:26:21.670,0:26:22.750
"You're too fat!"

0:26:23.660,0:26:25.470
"Lose some weight, fat boy!"

0:26:26.660,0:26:29.860
"Come back when you're 30, 32 the most."

0:26:30.810,0:26:32.560
I'm like, "How can I not find clothes in China?"

0:26:32.560,0:26:34.290
"Isn't everything made there?"

0:26:45.500,0:26:47.020
All in all, a good trip, though.

0:26:49.170,0:26:51.380
I did so much traveling, my passport expired last summer,

0:26:51.380,0:26:52.970
I had to renew my passport.

0:26:52.970,0:26:55.010
I don't know about it in America, but in Canada,

0:26:55.010,0:26:56.600
when you do passport photos,

0:26:56.600,0:26:58.140
you're not allowed to smile.

0:26:58.470,0:27:00.450
That's the new rule. You're not allowed to smile.

0:27:00.450,0:27:02.740
This is their way of fighting terrorism.

0:27:03.590,0:27:05.300
This is how they're gonna catch the terrorists.

0:27:05.300,0:27:06.510
You can't smile.

0:27:06.760,0:27:08.570
That's the message we're sending you. If you can,

0:27:08.570,0:27:11.010
If you're traveling, you'd better not be happy.

0:27:12.210,0:27:14.020
I didn't know, right? I'm in the mall,

0:27:14.020,0:27:16.680
I walked into one of those places that says "We do passport photos,"

0:27:16.680,0:27:18.530
I walked in, I'm like, "Yo, I need some passport photos."

0:27:18.530,0:27:20.960
The guy goes "No problem, buddy. Sit down."

0:27:21.850,0:27:22.830
Which really pissed me off,

0:27:22.830,0:27:23.640
cause he's a white guy,

0:27:23.640,0:27:25.510
and I don't know why he's talking like that, right? So...

0:27:28.340,0:27:29.940
I think he was mocking me.

0:27:31.750,0:27:33.330
So I sit down.[br]The guy goes "You ready?"

0:27:33.330,0:27:34.030
I go, "Yeah."

0:27:34.030,0:27:36.110
It's a picture, and I'm a happy guy,

0:27:36.110,0:27:37.310
so I figured, alright.

0:27:37.310,0:27:39.310
He goes, "You ready?" And I smiled, I'm like this.

0:27:41.080,0:27:42.880
The guy goes, "Sir, sir."

0:27:43.640,0:27:45.430
"Your lips need to be touching."

0:27:48.910,0:27:49.890
"Alright."

0:27:57.860,0:28:00.800
"Sir. Sir, you can't smile."

0:28:01.080,0:28:03.440
Not like that, I can't smile. Of course I'm...

0:28:03.440,0:28:04.220
That's their way.

0:28:04.220,0:28:06.140
This is how they really think they're going to find the terrorist.

0:28:06.140,0:28:08.180
It's by making you not smile.

0:28:08.180,0:28:09.530
You wanna find the terrorist?

0:28:09.530,0:28:10.780
Make everybody smile.

0:28:11.140,0:28:12.680
And the people who don't want to smile?

0:28:12.680,0:28:13.980
Question them!

0:28:14.860,0:28:16.510
Whenever you've been watching CNN,

0:28:16.510,0:28:18.540
and they show you the terrorists that they're looking for,

0:28:18.540,0:28:19.550
and those guys are happy?

0:28:19.550,0:28:20.350
Never!

0:28:21.220,0:28:23.830
Sir, you never see like a shot of a terrorist stand around, going,

0:28:27.620,0:28:29.560
You know, there's never the one joker terrorist guy

0:28:29.560,0:28:30.620
with his thumb on the detonator,

0:28:30.620,0:28:31.920
"I'll do it! I'll do it!"

0:28:32.420,0:28:35.550
"I'll... Ah, you flinched, you bastard! I saw you flinched!"

0:28:41.370,0:28:42.720
So I wasn't allowed to smile.

0:28:42.720,0:28:44.320
So now, if it wasn't bad enough

0:28:44.320,0:28:46.280
being a brown man, going to the airport,

0:28:46.280,0:28:48.760
now when I give them my passport, I look pissed off.

0:28:49.970,0:28:51.740
My picture in my passport looks like this.

0:28:55.960,0:28:56.670
They're taking my passport,

0:28:56.670,0:28:58.990
"Now, Mr. Peters, step this way, please."

0:28:59.890,0:29:01.520
"We'd like a few words with you."

0:29:02.480,0:29:04.620
It's hard, man. The security at the airport,

0:29:04.620,0:29:05.860
the Custom, Immigration,

0:29:05.860,0:29:08.750
they really need to learn the difference between a terrorist

0:29:08.750,0:29:09.700
and an Indian.

0:29:10.590,0:29:12.030
We're not the same!

0:29:13.230,0:29:14.080
We're not!

0:29:17.520,0:29:19.180
We're not from the same part of the world,

0:29:19.180,0:29:22.100
we don't speak the same language, we don't eat the same food.

0:29:22.100,0:29:24.450
We don't even hate the same people.

0:29:25.950,0:29:28.090
Terrorists hate Americans.

0:29:28.090,0:29:30.220
Indians hate each other.

0:29:35.220,0:29:37.320
A terrorist will blow up an airport.

0:29:37.580,0:29:40.130
Indians like to work at the airport.

0:29:41.990,0:29:43.980
"That will be counter-productive."

0:29:48.990,0:29:51.870
I know a lot of white people are nervous about flying nowadays,

0:29:51.870,0:29:53.440
I understand to a certain degree,

0:29:53.440,0:29:56.110
but I had one white guy like, "No, man. I don't fly anymore."

0:29:56.690,0:29:58.690
"You never know what shit's gonna go down up there."

0:29:59.540,0:30:02.090
I'm like, "What? Nothing's going down up there, dude."

0:30:02.290,0:30:03.730
"Yeah, well, you never know."

0:30:05.010,0:30:07.590
And I understand, you know what I mean? You're a little panicked a little bit,

0:30:07.590,0:30:09.270
but think about it reasonably, you know what I mean?

0:30:09.270,0:30:10.450
Think about it logically.

0:30:10.450,0:30:12.170
Think about what airline you're getting on.

0:30:12.170,0:30:14.990
Where you're getting on the plane, where you're flying to, you know what I mean?

0:30:14.990,0:30:17.500
That all factors in your whole terrorist theory.

0:30:17.870,0:30:19.760
I was on a JetBlue flight.

0:30:20.920,0:30:22.850
See? JetBlue is funny enough.

0:30:24.680,0:30:28.000
I was on a JetBlue flight from Buffalo, New York to La Guardia.

0:30:28.020,0:30:29.940
It was like a 30-seat plane.

0:30:30.090,0:30:30.740
[WITH INDIAN ACCENT][br]Plane.

0:30:32.080,0:30:34.240
Oh my God, my Indian Tourette is acting up.

0:30:35.390,0:30:36.910
"30-seat plane."

0:30:42.970,0:30:44.390
We all go through it.

0:30:46.460,0:30:48.270
So I get on board this little plane.

0:30:48.270,0:30:49.950
It's a 45 minute flight.

0:30:49.950,0:30:51.100
I walked on board,

0:30:51.100,0:30:53.340
this older white lady sees me, grabs her bag, goes

0:30:53.340,0:30:54.750
"Oh, my God!"

0:30:56.330,0:30:57.580
I'm like, "What?"

0:30:58.300,0:30:59.960
"You think I'm a terrorist?"

0:31:00.440,0:31:02.430
"On freaking JetBlue?"

0:31:03.780,0:31:06.280
"What am I? The low self-esteem terrorist?"

0:31:09.410,0:31:11.640
"Yeah, I don't want to kill a lot of us today,"

0:31:12.190,0:31:14.010
"tought I start off with 30."

0:31:14.410,0:31:16.250
"Tomorrow, Southwest."

0:31:21.420,0:31:23.990
Just think about it logically, you know.

0:31:29.040,0:31:31.670
I was on a flight like two weeks after 9-11,

0:31:31.670,0:31:34.410
I sat down beside this white guy, he almost shit his pants.

0:31:35.290,0:31:36.570
I sat down, the guy goes like this.

0:31:36.740,0:31:38.760
[BREATHING NERVOUSLY]

0:31:43.140,0:31:45.270
About half an hour into the flight, I reached for my bag,

0:31:45.270,0:31:47.160
the guy goes, "Oh my God! No!"

0:31:48.860,0:31:51.140
"What? Relax, you jackass."

0:31:52.870,0:31:54.290
"Just getting my Discman."

0:31:56.330,0:31:58.070
"Gotta listen to my instructions."

0:32:10.670,0:32:12.000
Glad Latinos are here, man.

0:32:12.000,0:32:13.490
All six of you.

0:32:14.330,0:32:15.930
You full Latino? You half?

0:32:16.150,0:32:16.850
What are you?

0:32:17.090,0:32:18.300
He does this. Half.

0:32:19.250,0:32:20.100
That's half?

0:32:20.890,0:32:21.970
That's how you cut him.

0:32:23.060,0:32:24.410
What are you? What's your mix?

0:32:24.410,0:32:25.870
Uh, Puerto Rican and black.

0:32:26.160,0:32:27.300
Puerto Rican and black.

0:32:27.720,0:32:29.770
That's not far off. They're from New York, your parents?

0:32:30.790,0:32:31.430
One is.

0:32:31.750,0:32:33.280
One is? Which one?

0:32:33.760,0:32:34.610
Puerto Rican?

0:32:35.490,0:32:36.450
Is he really?

0:32:36.740,0:32:39.020
Nice. a Puerto Rican and black. That's cool, man.

0:32:39.170,0:32:41.510
We don't-- we don't have any Puerto Ricans in Canada.

0:32:41.510,0:32:43.570
We don't have any Mexican. Any Mexican people here?

0:32:44.780,0:32:46.040
You? One guy's like...

0:32:49.200,0:32:50.170
Are you full Mexican?

0:32:50.170,0:32:50.520
Yup.

0:32:50.640,0:32:51.950
Nice. What's your name?

0:32:52.010,0:32:52.370
Jose.

0:32:52.510,0:32:54.060
Jose? Wow, just...

0:33:00.000,0:33:02.020
just in case we didn't believe him, you know?

0:33:08.760,0:33:09.820
I like the Mexicans.

0:33:09.820,0:33:11.600
Well, there's no Mexicans in Canada either, man.

0:33:11.600,0:33:13.750
There's none. There's no Mexicans in Canada.

0:33:13.750,0:33:15.280
You should see how messed up our lawns are.

0:33:15.790,0:33:16.660
Now, uh...

0:33:19.600,0:33:21.180
What? All of a sudden everybody got sensitive.

0:33:21.180,0:33:22.910
"Oh, hey! That's not..."

0:33:25.510,0:33:26.560
"Everybody else, it's fine."

0:33:26.560,0:33:28.640
"But you don't say shit about the lawn."

0:33:33.140,0:33:34.600
It's funny how defensive they got for you.

0:33:34.600,0:33:36.340
You see that, Jose? They got your back.

0:33:39.210,0:33:40.800
No Mexican. I wish we had Mexicans,

0:33:40.800,0:33:42.630
but we got a lot of-- we got-- we got Latinos,

0:33:42.630,0:33:44.760
but we got a lot of South Americans, you know what I mean? All the,

0:33:44.760,0:33:46.670
like, Chileans and all the,

0:33:46.670,0:33:50.350
all the, uh, Uruguay and all the soccer countries. You know what I mean?

0:33:50.350,0:33:51.230
We got all them.

0:33:52.430,0:33:54.450
But, see, I live in LA now.

0:33:54.450,0:33:56.250
And in LA there are a lot of Mexicans,

0:33:56.250,0:33:58.390
and one of my good friends, Jesus,

0:33:58.550,0:33:59.330
"<i>Hay-soos</i>."

0:33:59.930,0:34:02.490
It's just cool to hang around a guy named Jesus, you know what I mean? That's...

0:34:02.940,0:34:04.580
"Who's your friend?"[br]"The son of God."

0:34:04.580,0:34:05.420
That's uh...

0:34:09.800,0:34:11.480
I like hanging around Jesus, man.

0:34:11.480,0:34:13.909
'Cause Mexican, Latinos in general are very proud people,

0:34:13.909,0:34:14.560
you know what I mean?

0:34:14.719,0:34:17.090
You don't ever mess up anything Spanish around them.

0:34:17.090,0:34:19.710
They get very upset, like you're supposed to know how to say their shit.

0:34:20.500,0:34:22.190
I'm like, "Jesus, I'm gonna go get a burrito, man."

0:34:22.190,0:34:22.909
"Hey!"

0:34:24.060,0:34:26.110
"It's <i>Buh-ree-toh</i>."

0:34:29.639,0:34:32.840
"Holy shit. I'm <i>sorryto</i>, OK?"

0:34:38.820,0:34:41.000
The Latinos in Canada is trying to play that, see?

0:34:41.000,0:34:43.989
The guys in the, the Mexican cats in LA, they all play that--"

0:34:43.989,0:34:46.260
a lot of them play that hardcore cholo thing, you know?

0:34:46.260,0:34:47.500
That whole gangster thing.

0:34:47.500,0:34:49.719
"Hey, ese, I want to talk to you for a minute. Eh, fucker?"

0:34:54.230,0:34:55.590
They play it hard, you know? They--

0:34:55.590,0:34:56.860
They got that intensity about them.

0:34:56.860,0:34:57.940
Even Jesus will approach me,

0:34:57.940,0:35:00.390
"Hey, Russell, let me talk to you for a second, eh?"

0:35:02.020,0:35:02.990
"What? What did I do?"

0:35:02.990,0:35:04.790
"Nothing. I'm just saying hi."

0:35:06.630,0:35:08.920
"Damn, Jesus. You wanna relax a little?"

0:35:11.150,0:35:12.980
The Latinos in Canada, all the South American guys,

0:35:12.980,0:35:15.770
they play that whole smooth Latin lover shit all the time, you know?

0:35:15.770,0:35:17.080
Too much, to the point, like,

0:35:17.080,0:35:19.330
where they're trying to seduce everybody all the time.

0:35:19.330,0:35:20.060
You know what I mean?

0:35:20.440,0:35:21.740
I went to this Spanish club in Toronto.

0:35:21.740,0:35:24.060
This girl goes, "Oh, Russell, I want you to meet Fernando."

0:35:24.060,0:35:25.950
This guy turns around, and goes, "Hola."

0:35:34.420,0:35:35.860
[WITH SMOOTH SPANISH ACCENT][br]"I am Fernando."

0:35:36.780,0:35:38.280
I'm like, "You want to put your cock away, Fernando?"

0:35:38.280,0:35:39.840
"I'm just trying to shake your hand. It's uh..."

0:35:41.760,0:35:43.020
"...not that kind of party."

0:35:45.080,0:35:46.400
But I like, I like the Latinos.

0:35:46.400,0:35:47.190
'Cause you know why?

0:35:47.530,0:35:49.420
They could have the most normal accent in the world,

0:35:49.420,0:35:51.400
but the minute they start saying like a South American country,

0:35:51.400,0:35:53.580
it sounds like they just stepped off a boat a second ago.

0:35:53.580,0:35:54.310
You know what I mean?

0:35:54.510,0:35:55.180
"Hey, where you from?"

0:35:55.180,0:35:58.330
"Well, I'm from here, but my family's originally from Ecuador."

0:36:00.070,0:36:01.500
"What the hell happened to you just now?"

0:36:01.900,0:36:03.470
And the more Spanish countries they say,

0:36:03.470,0:36:05.110
the more it sounds like they're going deaf, you know?

0:36:05.250,0:36:08.050
"Well, I'm from Ecuador. This is my friend from Nicaragua."

0:36:08.980,0:36:10.550
"Eastern Guatemala."

0:36:10.550,0:36:11.650
[GIBBERISH]

0:36:12.010,0:36:13.100
"Honduras."

0:36:13.170,0:36:14.780
[GIBBERISH]

0:36:15.170,0:36:16.730
[GIBBERISH]

0:36:17.260,0:36:20.220
"Peru! Peru!"

0:36:32.060,0:36:33.060
I like cultural names.

0:36:33.060,0:36:34.280
Cultural names are really cool, you know.

0:36:34.280,0:36:35.700
I don't have a cultural name.

0:36:35.850,0:36:38.040
And Indian people for some reason have a real tough time with this.

0:36:38.040,0:36:41.030
But my real name is Russell Peters.

0:36:41.610,0:36:43.510
Both my parents are from India,

0:36:43.510,0:36:45.140
and that's the name they gave me.

0:36:45.140,0:36:46.300
Russell Dominic...

0:36:46.360,0:36:48.520
Look at you dumb motherfuckers right there!

0:36:49.330,0:36:51.690
Do you know Indian history at all?

0:36:51.730,0:36:52.540
At all?

0:36:52.540,0:36:55.290
No, you don't. You know why? I can tell you there's no Indian history.

0:36:55.290,0:36:57.090
The British were there for 400 years.

0:36:57.090,0:36:58.760
You don't think they fucked one or two of us?

0:37:07.000,0:37:08.590
If they can steal all our jewelries,

0:37:08.590,0:37:10.360
they can bang one or two of us.

0:37:11.630,0:37:14.070
That's my real name. Both my parents are from India,

0:37:14.070,0:37:16.280
and they named me Russell Dominic Peters.

0:37:16.280,0:37:18.560
Dominic. I got an Italian middle name.

0:37:19.450,0:37:21.990
'Cause my parents are from that Italian part of India.

0:37:24.040,0:37:25.050
[WITH ITALIAN ACCENT][br]Calcutta.

0:37:25.050,0:37:26.430
You know, that part there.

0:37:28.450,0:37:29.910
That's it. You have a problem with my name?

0:37:29.910,0:37:31.790
Talk to my parents, Eric and Maureen.

0:37:35.120,0:37:36.670
And my brother Julio.

0:37:42.420,0:37:44.460
If I had an Indian name, I'd wear it proudly.

0:37:44.460,0:37:45.740
You know what I mean? I don't have one.

0:37:45.860,0:37:47.990
If I had it, I would rock it very proudly.

0:37:47.990,0:37:49.890
What's your name, Mr. India over there?

0:37:51.010,0:37:51.360
Anit.

0:37:51.510,0:37:52.390
- Sorry?[br]- Anit.

0:37:52.550,0:37:53.320
Anit?

0:37:53.540,0:37:55.080
See, that's a neat name.

0:37:55.440,0:37:56.160
That's uh...

0:37:59.900,0:38:00.850
Anit!

0:38:01.860,0:38:02.660
Anit!

0:38:03.520,0:38:04.200
Patel!

0:38:04.290,0:38:05.920
Patel? Nice.

0:38:09.570,0:38:11.520
Jose, that's the equivalent right there.

0:38:11.520,0:38:12.460
That's uh...

0:38:16.140,0:38:17.380
Anit Patel.

0:38:18.030,0:38:20.240
That's my brother, Amessy Patel.

0:38:23.430,0:38:25.500
That's my big brother, Aslob.

0:38:33.950,0:38:35.460
Do you know what your name means?

0:38:36.130,0:38:36.430
No.

0:38:36.490,0:38:37.220
No?

0:38:37.780,0:38:40.200
So sure that this wasn't my name, but has no clue what your name...

0:38:40.210,0:38:41.710
I don't know what your name means either.

0:38:41.710,0:38:42.840
I know what my name means.

0:38:42.840,0:38:44.520
Russell. It sucks. You know what it means?

0:38:44.570,0:38:45.600
To make a noise.

0:38:48.380,0:38:49.070
It's uh...

0:38:49.770,0:38:52.280
It's a shit name, it's a shit joke, what do you want?

0:38:56.360,0:38:57.820
I like the Indian names. I think,

0:38:57.820,0:38:58.910
I think the Indian names are very cool.

0:38:58.910,0:39:01.740
They have deep meanings to them. They have long history behind them.

0:39:01.740,0:39:03.440
What's your name, my little Sikh brother right there?

0:39:03.440,0:39:04.230
What's your name?

0:39:04.830,0:39:05.330
Prabjoat.

0:39:05.460,0:39:05.900
Sorry?

0:39:05.900,0:39:06.540
Prabjoat.

0:39:06.700,0:39:07.390
Prab?

0:39:07.740,0:39:08.460
Jote.

0:39:08.990,0:39:11.090
Not prebjoad, right?

0:39:11.560,0:39:13.990
'Cause that would just be rude, I guess, at that point, wouldn't it?

0:39:14.450,0:39:15.930
That would make his name Prab-fuck,

0:39:15.930,0:39:17.120
That's what his name would have been.

0:39:18.010,0:39:18.940
Prebjoad.

0:39:21.500,0:39:23.680
"Prebjoad! What are you doing? That's..."

0:39:24.840,0:39:26.180
Good solid Indian name, you know?

0:39:26.180,0:39:28.080
I like the Indian names. Do you know what your name means?

0:39:28.390,0:39:30.320
What-- See, he knows what his name means.

0:39:30.730,0:39:32.010
Eh, Anit?

0:39:37.380,0:39:38.720
What does it mean, Prab?

0:39:38.990,0:39:39.730
God's essence.

0:39:40.050,0:39:41.330
God's essence?

0:39:43.280,0:39:44.470
God damn!

0:39:48.810,0:39:50.290
What's your sister's name? Herbal Essence?

0:39:50.290,0:39:51.070
What's uh...

0:39:57.840,0:39:59.550
"You sister smells great."

0:40:00.600,0:40:01.870
"That's just Herbal."

0:40:02.940,0:40:04.210
"Herbal-joad."

0:40:12.430,0:40:14.610
God's essence. That's dope, man.

0:40:15.400,0:40:16.400
I like the Indian names.

0:40:16.400,0:40:18.680
I think a lot of Indian names are really cool, but...

0:40:19.130,0:40:21.140
I think a lot of-- cultural names are cool.

0:40:21.140,0:40:23.460
But if you're gonna be, if you're gonna have a cultural name,

0:40:23.460,0:40:26.280
and you're gonna move from another country to America,

0:40:26.280,0:40:28.860
think about what that name means in English before you move here.

0:40:28.860,0:40:29.500
You know what I mean?

0:40:29.800,0:40:31.670
Think about how it's gonna affect your life.

0:40:32.220,0:40:33.730
'Cause some Indian names are really good.

0:40:33.730,0:40:35.050
Some Indian names are really cool.

0:40:35.050,0:40:37.960
And they mean a lot. But they're really good in India.

0:40:39.150,0:40:40.550
When they come here with those names,

0:40:40.550,0:40:42.220
it just doesn't cross over very well.

0:40:42.920,0:40:43.980
I met an Indian dude,

0:40:43.980,0:40:46.400
and you know this is a real name, cause he was one of your people.

0:40:46.560,0:40:47.310
Um...

0:40:48.410,0:40:50.230
I met an Indian guy, I swear to God,

0:40:50.230,0:40:52.180
his real name was Sukhdeep.

0:40:54.780,0:40:55.850
<i>Sukh Deep</i>.

0:40:58.110,0:40:59.350
Could you imagine living your life

0:40:59.350,0:41:00.690
with a name like <i>Suck Deep</i>?

0:41:02.050,0:41:03.470
Somebody's looking for you one day,

0:41:03.470,0:41:04.480
"Yo, man."

0:41:05.270,0:41:06.330
"You Suckdeep?"

0:41:13.400,0:41:15.980
"Yeah, sometimes, if I have to. I..."

0:41:18.030,0:41:19.950
"...don't really like it, though. I..."

0:41:23.010,0:41:25.450
And obviously it's not pronounced 'suck deep' in my culture,

0:41:25.450,0:41:26.240
you know what I mean?

0:41:26.240,0:41:27.890
But if you were to read it, that's how you read it.

0:41:27.890,0:41:31.210
It's spelled S-U-K-H-D-E-E-P.

0:41:31.760,0:41:33.140
The 'H' doesn't help.

0:41:34.920,0:41:35.920
'Cause now it sounds even worse.

0:41:35.920,0:41:37.770
Suck huh Deep.

0:41:42.460,0:41:44.940
"Come here, Suck-huh-Deep!"

0:41:48.230,0:41:51.210
And I used to think Sukhdeep was the funniest Indian name I've ever heard.

0:41:51.210,0:41:53.020
And then a few months ago, I was in D.C.,

0:41:53.020,0:41:55.390
and I met this Indian dude. And I shit you not,

0:41:55.390,0:41:56.750
the guy's real name

0:41:56.750,0:41:57.960
was Hardik.

0:41:59.580,0:42:01.680
H-A-R-D-I-K.

0:42:02.140,0:42:03.010
Hardik!

0:42:03.730,0:42:05.690
Who the hell name their kid <i>Hard Dick</i>?

0:42:06.250,0:42:07.630
"Hey, come on, Hardik, pull up your pants."

0:42:07.630,0:42:09.200
"Stop that. It's not nice."

0:42:18.650,0:42:19.700
Hard dick.

0:42:20.060,0:42:23.070
How can you not get into a career in porn with a name like Hard Dick?

0:42:23.880,0:42:26.500
What if Hardik and Sukhdeep became best friends?

0:42:32.030,0:42:33.460
You're a Punjabi, you know what I'm saying.

0:42:33.460,0:42:35.050
You guys cross the line with us as well.

0:42:35.050,0:42:36.950
I met an Indian girl named Ramindeep.

0:42:38.490,0:42:39.850
Ram-in-deep!

0:42:40.430,0:42:42.550
"Hey, get in there, Ramindeep."

0:42:47.960,0:42:49.350
Sure, it's not pronounced like that,

0:42:49.350,0:42:51.400
but it sounds funnier when you say Ram-in-deep.

0:42:53.720,0:42:54.720
Just think, you know.

0:42:54.720,0:42:56.420
And I don't know why the Indian guys just can't wrap--

0:42:56.420,0:42:58.270
Indian people can't wrap their head around my name.

0:42:58.270,0:42:59.780
I don't know why it's that difficult.

0:42:59.780,0:43:02.010
It's very simple. Just go read a history book

0:43:02.010,0:43:03.380
and it'll all make sense to you.

0:43:03.470,0:43:05.420
And Indian people are always the worst about it. The worst.

0:43:05.420,0:43:07.450
White people here. "Russell Peters."[br]"Oh, okay."

0:43:08.190,0:43:09.830
They don't have a problem with it. They don't get it.

0:43:09.830,0:43:11.350
They just, "Oh, I don't care. Yeah."

0:43:11.470,0:43:13.730
"Maybe he's just a dark white guy. I don't know what he is. It's uh..."

0:43:16.680,0:43:18.830
"Maybe somewhere south. I don't know what he is."

0:43:22.280,0:43:24.360
I am-- "Look, you're not Christian, are you?"

0:43:24.900,0:43:25.660
"Yes, I am."

0:43:25.960,0:43:26.400
South?

0:43:26.400,0:43:28.510
No, not from the south. See, I'm not one of them.

0:43:28.630,0:43:30.420
I know what you're thinking. I'm not one of them.

0:43:30.420,0:43:31.710
Those were converts.

0:43:32.120,0:43:33.180
I was mixed.

0:43:33.660,0:43:35.180
We don't know when the mix happened.

0:43:36.070,0:43:36.950
It just happened.

0:43:37.530,0:43:39.160
We're a long line of us.

0:43:40.450,0:43:41.680
Indian people are the worst. 'Cause uh...

0:43:41.680,0:43:43.420
You tell my name to a white guy: "Russell Peters."

0:43:43.420,0:43:44.640
"How're you doing? Nice to meet you."

0:43:44.910,0:43:46.330
Indian people, they'll first want to question you.

0:43:46.330,0:43:48.620
And the Indian people, when they try to get information out of you,

0:43:48.620,0:43:49.740
they're the worst at it.

0:43:50.830,0:43:51.770
They're not very convincing.

0:43:51.770,0:43:53.560
You can always tell when an Indian person's

0:43:53.560,0:43:55.640
trying to convince you to tell them something.

0:43:56.060,0:43:57.370
'Cause when they're trying to convince you,

0:43:57.370,0:43:59.610
they give you this look like they're taking a shit.

0:44:00.800,0:44:01.870
They do. They'll come like this.

0:44:01.870,0:44:03.110
"Hey, Russell."

0:44:12.080,0:44:13.140
"Russell..."

0:44:14.770,0:44:16.250
[STRAINING][br]"Russell..."

0:44:21.410,0:44:22.020
It's what they do.

0:44:22.020,0:44:24.170
They're not very convincing people, you know?

0:44:25.440,0:44:26.860
Parents are the worst 'cause they--

0:44:26.860,0:44:28.650
White parents are very direct, you know what I mean?

0:44:28.710,0:44:29.800
You have white parents. Where are you?

0:44:29.800,0:44:31.060
There you are, white guy. Yeah.

0:44:31.750,0:44:32.630
What's your name, buddy?

0:44:32.950,0:44:33.280
Steve.

0:44:33.360,0:44:35.260
Steve. Just in case-- wow, there's--

0:44:35.260,0:44:37.860
Welcome to stereotype night. This is um...

0:44:38.700,0:44:41.250
Steve, Jose, and Anit Patel.

0:44:49.400,0:44:50.300
White parents are very direct.

0:44:50.300,0:44:51.260
They want their kids to something?

0:44:51.260,0:44:53.240
"Hey, Steve, come here and clean up your room."

0:44:53.850,0:44:54.780
They tell you right away.

0:44:55.290,0:44:57.840
Indian parents feel the need to convince their kids to do things.

0:44:58.260,0:45:00.460
And if they don't make the shit face,

0:45:00.460,0:45:02.910
they'll take one word and try and make it sound convincing.

0:45:03.060,0:45:03.580
You know?

0:45:04.070,0:45:04.890
"Russell?"

0:45:05.500,0:45:06.280
"Come."

0:45:09.950,0:45:11.020
"Coome."

0:45:12.900,0:45:14.880
"Cooome."

0:45:19.950,0:45:21.170
That's their convincing sound.

0:45:21.170,0:45:22.560
They'll just take one word and extend it.

0:45:22.560,0:45:23.610
[ELONGATED SOUND]

0:45:25.170,0:45:27.560
I can only imagine an arranged marriage on the wedding night.

0:45:28.270,0:45:30.410
They got to consummate the first day they met.

0:45:31.220,0:45:32.670
"Are we going to have sex?"

0:45:33.790,0:45:34.900
"Seex?"

0:45:36.450,0:45:38.310
[MAKING ELONGATED SOUND][br]"Seeeex."

0:45:42.930,0:45:44.110
"Doggy style?"

0:45:45.100,0:45:46.440
"Doogy?"

0:45:46.890,0:45:49.030
"Dooooog."

0:46:00.480,0:46:03.190
Immigrant parents have a tendency to embarrass their kids, don't they?

0:46:04.540,0:46:05.790
Yeah, they do. They do things.

0:46:05.790,0:46:07.430
They just do shit when family comes over.

0:46:07.430,0:46:08.540
That's when they embarrass you.

0:46:09.110,0:46:10.520
You can try and be as hardcore as you want,

0:46:10.520,0:46:13.220
but the minute your family, like relatives come over, it's over.

0:46:13.220,0:46:13.990
They're gonna embarrass you.

0:46:13.990,0:46:15.540
Filipinos, you know what I'm saying.

0:46:16.340,0:46:17.870
You guys always have that shit happen to you.

0:46:17.870,0:46:19.870
"Show Tito Ray how you sing. Show him."

0:46:21.170,0:46:23.440
"Joon, come here and show Tito Ray your songs."

0:46:23.440,0:46:25.580
"Show him. Sing the songs for Tito Ray."

0:46:26.090,0:46:26.970
"Go on. Do it."

0:46:27.300,0:46:29.990
"Do it. Ah, see. He's so good. He's so good."

0:46:32.670,0:46:33.790
Indian parents will do that too.

0:46:33.790,0:46:36.000
I remember when I was like 14, I used to break-dance.

0:46:36.280,0:46:37.030
There was...

0:46:37.110,0:46:38.040
Yeah, I did.

0:46:39.750,0:46:41.030
I was, all the time, just...

0:46:48.810,0:46:50.730
That was me back in the day, man.

0:46:51.890,0:46:53.780
But I remember, like, when I was 14, I'd be out there all day.

0:46:53.780,0:46:56.040
"Come on, we're gonna break. Come on, everybody. We're gonna break."

0:46:56.040,0:46:57.750
"We're gonna break all day, man!"

0:46:58.160,0:46:59.410
And then when my family would come over,

0:46:59.410,0:47:00.700
I didn't want to like, break in front of them.

0:47:00.700,0:47:02.340
My dad would be like, "Come, Russell."

0:47:02.340,0:47:03.850
"Show. Show uncle how you dance."

0:47:04.400,0:47:05.720
"Show uncle how you dance!"

0:47:06.600,0:47:07.630
I'm like, "I don't want to show him how I..."

0:47:07.630,0:47:08.940
"Show him how you dance."

0:47:09.430,0:47:10.900
And you're standing like an asshole.

0:47:18.330,0:47:20.650
And your uncle's like, "Oh, that's very good. Is he retarded?"

0:47:20.650,0:47:22.390
"I can't tell what's happening. It's..."

0:47:29.230,0:47:30.440
Yeah, Russell!

0:47:32.040,0:47:33.690
Just embarrassed you, man.

0:47:38.780,0:47:40.000
That's a lot of energy.

0:47:42.170,0:47:44.550
Anybody here from England? Any British people in the house tonight?

0:47:45.080,0:47:45.950
Oh, look at that.

0:47:46.280,0:47:47.950
Nice, you imported your white meat.

0:47:47.950,0:47:49.270
Nice job, sir.

0:47:51.270,0:47:52.950
Where you from in England, ma'am? Are you from England?

0:47:53.300,0:47:53.860
What part?

0:47:54.390,0:47:55.580
I'm from Bedford.

0:47:55.980,0:47:56.710
[WITH ENGLISH ACCENT][br]Bedford.

0:48:01.010,0:48:01.660
Bedford.

0:48:01.660,0:48:03.450
She said it so nicely. "I'm from Bedford."

0:48:05.790,0:48:08.150
I like the English accent sometimes, you know what I mean?"

0:48:08.150,0:48:10.250
But I really think it's the only accent in the world you can't do

0:48:10.250,0:48:12.270
without making a ridiculous face every time you do it.

0:48:12.520,0:48:14.450
"Yes, good evening, I'm from England."

0:48:16.250,0:48:17.180
"Ha!"

0:48:19.150,0:48:20.530
"I'm from England."

0:48:21.280,0:48:22.230
"Ha!"

0:48:26.520,0:48:27.570
Sometimes English people are OK,

0:48:27.570,0:48:28.970
but sometimes they get very arrogant, the English.

0:48:28.970,0:48:29.730
You know what I mean?

0:48:30.000,0:48:31.280
You want to mess with English people?

0:48:31.280,0:48:32.660
Next time you meet somebody from England

0:48:32.850,0:48:34.080
and they tell you where they're from,

0:48:34.080,0:48:35.650
act like you've never heard of it.

0:48:37.650,0:48:39.510
Oh, they get pissed off.

0:48:40.450,0:48:42.070
"Hey, that's an interesting accent. Where are you from?"

0:48:42.070,0:48:44.220
"I'm from England. Ha ha!"

0:48:51.030,0:48:52.040
"I'm sorry. Where?"

0:48:55.130,0:48:55.950
"England."

0:48:56.750,0:48:57.700
"Haah!"

0:49:02.160,0:49:03.150
"I've never heard of it."

0:49:04.020,0:49:05.080
"England?"

0:49:05.880,0:49:06.740
"Ha?"

0:49:10.510,0:49:11.870
"Little island, beside"

0:49:11.870,0:49:14.250
[WHEEZING][br]"Europe."

0:49:16.130,0:49:17.210
"Is that near Miami?"

0:49:18.750,0:49:20.420
"England, you bloody fool!"

0:49:21.560,0:49:23.200
"I believe you are speaking our language."

0:49:23.740,0:49:26.080
"I'm speaking English, dude. I don't know what the hell you're speaking right now."

0:49:27.090,0:49:28.690
"You're speaking constipatese or something."

0:49:28.690,0:49:29.780
"I don't know what that is,"

0:49:30.060,0:49:31.550
"but you need fiber, jeeves."

0:49:33.580,0:49:34.840
"England. Ha!"

0:49:36.040,0:49:37.910
It just-- It looks ugly sometimes, you know?

0:49:37.910,0:49:40.410
I think that's why English guys don't get laid a lot, man.

0:49:40.780,0:49:42.300
Women don't want that pounding them, do they?

0:49:42.300,0:49:44.010
"Oh, God, ooh, ahh!"

0:49:44.400,0:49:45.190
"Aah!"

0:49:45.820,0:49:49.090
"What a delightful feeling! Oh my God! Ah!"

0:49:49.440,0:49:51.780
"That is smashing! Oh! Aah!"

0:49:51.920,0:49:54.070
"Ooh, aha! Oh!"

0:49:54.070,0:49:56.580
"Oh my God, I'm arriving! Ah!"

0:50:13.700,0:50:15.350
How long have you been in America for?

0:50:17.900,0:50:18.970
Twelve, thirteen years?

0:50:19.120,0:50:21.550
And you guys met in England, obviously, because he's a brown man.

0:50:23.250,0:50:24.420
'Cause I don't know if you're aware of this now,

0:50:24.420,0:50:28.050
but England has the largest population of Indian people outside of India.

0:50:28.380,0:50:29.510
It's true. They're all there.

0:50:29.510,0:50:31.810
And the British are so pissed off that we're there.

0:50:32.140,0:50:33.840
They're mad 'cause there's so many of us, and...

0:50:33.840,0:50:35.440
as a brown man, when I walk around England,

0:50:35.440,0:50:37.170
I can feel it, hear them under their breath.

0:50:37.170,0:50:39.930
"Go home, you brown bastards!"

0:50:40.680,0:50:41.890
"Ha!"

0:50:46.710,0:50:49.380
And they're mad. They're mad because there's so many Indian people in England.

0:50:49.380,0:50:51.210
And that's not our fault. That's the British people's fault.

0:50:51.210,0:50:52.280
You guys started it.

0:50:53.350,0:50:55.740
You went to India first. We didn't ask you to come over.

0:50:58.150,0:51:00.120
1600. They just showed up.

0:51:01.570,0:51:04.010
They stayed for 400 years.

0:51:04.430,0:51:06.410
1947, they just got up and left.

0:51:06.410,0:51:07.540
We were like, "No, no, no. Wait."

0:51:07.540,0:51:08.820
"We're coming with you."

0:51:16.760,0:51:18.610
"You can't just come here and leave."

0:51:19.360,0:51:20.670
"What the hell are you going to eat?"

0:51:22.850,0:51:23.540
"Coming."

0:51:23.880,0:51:24.850
"Coming?"

0:51:25.490,0:51:26.600
"Coome."

0:51:37.990,0:51:39.870
My white American friends, I uh...

0:51:39.870,0:51:41.450
Steve, your families from America?

0:51:42.110,0:51:43.940
Nice. And you're married to a brown girl, right?

0:51:44.670,0:51:46.140
Nice. How long have you guys been married for?

0:51:46.370,0:51:47.110
Eleven years.

0:51:48.040,0:51:49.270
Eleven years? Nice.

0:51:50.150,0:51:50.690
You know what's funny?

0:51:50.690,0:51:52.110
Nowadays, eleven years is "Wow!"

0:51:52.110,0:51:53.610
Back then, "Eleven? That's it?"

0:51:54.590,0:51:56.050
Now it's like, "Wow, you made it."

0:51:57.300,0:51:58.560
We have three kids.

0:51:58.560,0:52:00.960
Three kids? Nice, little beige babies. Nice.

0:52:02.430,0:52:03.930
Nice, good job, huh?

0:52:04.210,0:52:06.040
Indian women are good. They're sexy, right?

0:52:06.350,0:52:08.050
Spicy. Spicy, though, huh?

0:52:08.910,0:52:09.730
If you're going down on her,

0:52:09.730,0:52:11.610
better take a glass of water, that's all I'm saying. You know what I mean?

0:52:12.430,0:52:13.430
That's all I'm saying.

0:52:15.650,0:52:17.150
"Uh, huh! Huh!"

0:52:18.330,0:52:22.530
[MAKING SOUND OF BURNT TONGUE]

0:52:38.370,0:52:40.000
White people, my white American friends,

0:52:40.000,0:52:41.710
I'm here to tell you something, alright?

0:52:42.030,0:52:42.930
I like you.

0:52:43.900,0:52:46.040
And I'm not just saying that to say it.

0:52:46.040,0:52:47.590
I'm telling you for a reason.

0:52:47.940,0:52:52.090
Because I think white folks have really done some major things in the past 30 years.

0:52:52.230,0:52:54.370
They've really taken some strides.

0:52:54.370,0:52:56.690
And I feel bad for them too because white people--

0:52:57.410,0:53:00.780
we, all the non-white people in the world have white folks convinced

0:53:00.780,0:53:02.210
that they're racist.

0:53:03.330,0:53:06.270
We have them so scared to notice anything of color,

0:53:06.940,0:53:09.690
that they're afraid to describe things accurately now.

0:53:10.030,0:53:11.500
I was working at this comedy club.

0:53:11.500,0:53:13.490
One of my black friends came down to hang out with me,

0:53:13.490,0:53:14.500
and the doorman comes up and goes,

0:53:14.500,0:53:16.150
"Hey, Russell. One of your friends came by."

0:53:16.490,0:53:18.640
"He was a black guy?"[br]"I don't know."

0:53:23.040,0:53:24.390
"I didn't notice."

0:53:26.270,0:53:27.660
"What do you mean, you didn't notice?"

0:53:28.980,0:53:30.580
"What he look like?"[br]"He was tall."

0:53:32.030,0:53:33.030
"Curly hair."

0:53:35.110,0:53:36.840
"What was his name?"[br]"Uh, LeRoy."

0:53:38.370,0:53:40.630
"Was he black?"[br]"I don't know, uh, I..."

0:53:41.240,0:53:42.770
"He could've been. I mean, maybe, I don't know."

0:53:42.770,0:53:45.030
"If you say he's black, maybe he was. I don't know."

0:53:46.930,0:53:48.740
We've got white people so scared

0:53:48.930,0:53:50.550
to describe things with color,

0:53:50.550,0:53:52.340
we've got them so convinced that they're racist.

0:53:52.340,0:53:54.300
It's awful, because you know, the thing is,

0:53:54.490,0:53:57.090
white people will never be as racist as we are.

0:53:57.990,0:53:59.310
Not in your life.

0:53:59.920,0:54:01.960
White folks can never be that racist.

0:54:02.910,0:54:06.100
Indian people, Asian people, we're all very racist.

0:54:06.840,0:54:08.490
Every group is racist.

0:54:09.200,0:54:10.600
White folks will see a group of Indian people.

0:54:10.600,0:54:11.840
They're like, "Oh, look at all those brown people."

0:54:11.840,0:54:13.210
"They're probably all very happy together."

0:54:14.150,0:54:16.070
Then you get in that group. We're like, "Hey, you're from India?"

0:54:16.070,0:54:17.190
"I'm from India. What part?"

0:54:17.190,0:54:18.890
"Oh, not that part. Go to hell, you bloody bastard!"

0:54:18.890,0:54:19.970
"I don't want to know you."

0:54:24.280,0:54:25.380
Every group does it.

0:54:25.650,0:54:26.770
Asians will do it. Look.

0:54:26.770,0:54:28.380
"Oh, I'm Chinese."[br]"You're Chinese? Where are you from?"

0:54:28.380,0:54:29.870
"I'm from Kung Chao."[br]"I'm from Ow Bay."

0:54:29.870,0:54:31.580
"Oh, you go. So stupid. I'll go."

0:54:31.850,0:54:34.480
"Oh, that's so bad. I don't like. Don't talk to me, asshole!"

0:54:39.330,0:54:42.150
Every culture does it. It's so bizarre, man.

0:54:42.400,0:54:43.620
White folks don't have that problem.

0:54:43.620,0:54:44.760
White guy'll see another white guy,

0:54:44.760,0:54:46.580
"Hey, where are you from?"[br]"I'm from Tennessee. Where you from?"

0:54:46.580,0:54:48.080
"I'm from New York."[br]"Well, let's have a drink."

0:54:48.080,0:54:49.100
"Alright, let's go. Ha ha!"

0:54:49.240,0:54:50.340
That's it. They don't care. They just...

0:54:50.340,0:54:52.050
"Hey, look. Another white guy."

0:54:53.060,0:54:55.040
White people, it's OK to be proud of yourselves, you know.

0:54:55.040,0:54:57.370
It's OK to feel proud. It's not a bad thing.

0:54:57.370,0:54:59.070
I mean, sometimes you get carried away

0:54:59.070,0:55:01.340
and then you light crosses and put on pointy white hats, but...

0:55:02.790,0:55:04.990
That's-- You know, you should draw the line somewhere before that.

0:55:04.990,0:55:05.940
You know what I mean? You should--

0:55:11.380,0:55:13.310
But, white people, you really have, you know,

0:55:13.440,0:55:16.100
changed things for yourselves in the past 30 years, you know what I mean?

0:55:16.190,0:55:19.070
You've very graciously let immigrants into your country.

0:55:19.160,0:55:20.510
I mean, you know, the country you took.

0:55:20.630,0:55:22.010
You know, but whatever. You know what I mean?

0:55:22.250,0:55:24.550
Sure, sure, you have a bad history, you know what I mean?

0:55:24.550,0:55:26.420
Sure, you stole some land, you know what I mean?

0:55:26.420,0:55:28.470
Big deal. You tried to wipe out a whole race of people.

0:55:28.470,0:55:29.060
No problem.

0:55:29.060,0:55:30.090
Alright. You know what I mean?

0:55:30.370,0:55:32.630
You brought people in from Africa and fucked them over.

0:55:32.630,0:55:34.320
Good deal, you know what I mean? But, you know,

0:55:34.320,0:55:35.970
let's forget about all that.

0:55:38.010,0:55:40.130
We're in the 21st century now.

0:55:40.470,0:55:41.810
It's time to move on.

0:55:42.730,0:55:44.750
I'm glad that you stole this land.

0:55:45.290,0:55:45.900
You know why?

0:55:45.900,0:55:48.160
'Cause Christopher Columbus was looking for my land.

0:55:57.160,0:55:59.370
You know, Christopher Columbus, your <i>Great Discoverer</i>?

0:56:00.170,0:56:02.620
He was looking for India when he found North America.

0:56:02.620,0:56:04.290
That jackass was lost.

0:56:06.110,0:56:08.230
He wasn't even in the right part of the world.

0:56:09.000,0:56:10.710
And he knew this wasn't India.

0:56:10.710,0:56:12.840
Why do you think the native people here were called Indians?

0:56:13.050,0:56:14.920
'Cause he didn't want to look stupid in front of his whole crew.

0:56:14.920,0:56:18.320
He's like, "Fellas, that must be India."

0:56:19.890,0:56:21.880
"And those must be Indians."

0:56:22.590,0:56:24.180
Meanwhile we're standing on the shores of India going,

0:56:24.180,0:56:25.640
"Where the hell is Chris?"

0:56:28.210,0:56:29.600
"The son of a bitch is late."

0:56:40.280,0:56:41.040
But you really have.

0:56:41.040,0:56:42.850
You know, white folks have been very gracious,

0:56:42.850,0:56:45.500
and they've opened up their borders and let the immigrants in,

0:56:45.500,0:56:46.540
and they didn't ask questions.

0:56:46.540,0:56:48.050
They're like, "Alright, come on in, immigrants."

0:56:48.050,0:56:51.510
"Become an American with us and settle down and be an American."

0:56:51.510,0:56:53.510
"It's all good. Don't worry about it."

0:56:54.000,0:56:56.150
We all came in, and white people were very friendly.

0:56:56.150,0:56:58.770
"Nice. come on in. Thanks-- thanks for coming."

0:56:59.630,0:57:01.220
"Sure, sit down. Have a seat."[br]You know.

0:57:01.930,0:57:03.290
Be an American with us. It's all good.

0:57:03.870,0:57:05.030
And you did it very graciously.

0:57:05.030,0:57:06.750
You never asked questions, and they never said,

0:57:06.750,0:57:08.510
"What do you want here? Here, you get out."

0:57:08.660,0:57:09.470
They never did that. They were just like,

0:57:09.470,0:57:10.790
"Come on in, come on. Sit down."

0:57:10.790,0:57:11.920
"Be one of us."

0:57:12.340,0:57:13.870
And they did it very nicely, you know what I mean?

0:57:13.870,0:57:16.300
And you look at the immigrants, and you say, "Look at all those immigrants,"

0:57:16.300,0:57:17.390
"so happy to be here."

0:57:18.610,0:57:20.250
And you think that the immigrants, 'cause they all smile and say,

0:57:20.250,0:57:21.890
"Hello, Mr. American, how are you?"

0:57:22.870,0:57:23.880
"Good day, sir."

0:57:24.810,0:57:27.580
And then you don't realize that every immigrant that's ever come to this country,

0:57:27.580,0:57:29.750
comes to America and talks shit about you.

0:57:30.500,0:57:32.530
Every immigrant, doesn't matter where they come from.

0:57:32.530,0:57:35.660
They can come from Europe, they can come from Asia, they come from Africa,

0:57:35.660,0:57:37.080
doesn't matter. The immigrants come here

0:57:37.080,0:57:38.780
and they talk shit behind the Americans' backs.

0:57:38.780,0:57:41.650
And I don't like it 'cause I was born in North America,

0:57:41.650,0:57:43.060
so it pisses me off.

0:57:43.440,0:57:45.960
but I'm telling you, they all do, and they all say the same thing.

0:57:45.960,0:57:46.900
It's very irritating.

0:57:46.900,0:57:48.870
You came from England, you probably said it too.

0:57:48.870,0:57:50.800
And you're white, lady. See, even white people do it.

0:57:50.800,0:57:51.370
See what I mean?

0:57:52.940,0:57:55.210
But every immigrant comes here, you know what the first thing they do is say,

0:57:55.210,0:57:56.900
"Oh, Americans have no culture."

0:57:57.710,0:57:58.690
That's what they say. That's the first thing--

0:57:58.690,0:58:01.390
My dad used to say it. "Oh, these bloody Americans have no culture."

0:58:02.020,0:58:04.320
I go, "Dad, they have culture. They have their own thing going on,"

0:58:04.320,0:58:07.050
"which makes it theirs, which makes it part of their culture,"

0:58:07.050,0:58:08.520
"which means, they have culture."

0:58:08.580,0:58:10.670
"No. Show me. What is their culture? What is it? Show me."

0:58:10.670,0:58:12.640
"What? What? Whaaat?"

0:58:13.740,0:58:14.860
"Whaaaat?"

0:58:17.660,0:58:20.230
"What's their culture? Hamburgers and hoddogs are not a culture."

0:58:20.910,0:58:22.340
I'm like, "First of all, hamburgers and what?"

0:58:22.340,0:58:23.180
"<i>Hoddogs</i>."

0:58:27.670,0:58:29.080
"What the hell is 'hoddogs'?"

0:58:30.670,0:58:31.980
"Hoddogs, you know, hoddogs?"

0:58:33.630,0:58:34.630
"You mean, hot dogs?"

0:58:34.630,0:58:37.040
"Don't try to give it a fancy name, now, OK?"

0:58:39.080,0:58:40.330
But, white people, it's not fair.

0:58:40.330,0:58:42.510
White Americans, it's not fair that immigrants come here

0:58:42.510,0:58:43.840
and tell you that you have no culture

0:58:43.840,0:58:45.410
because you do have things that are your culture.

0:58:45.410,0:58:47.010
Black American culture is very distinct.

0:58:47.010,0:58:48.980
You can look at it and go, "That's black American culture."

0:58:48.980,0:58:49.940
They don't need to prove anything.

0:58:49.940,0:58:51.570
But the white folks always have something to prove,

0:58:51.570,0:58:53.000
and I'm here to tell you you do have a culture.

0:58:53.000,0:58:54.810
And it always boils down to music, you know what I mean?

0:58:54.810,0:58:57.520
When it comes down to music, white folks, you have your own thing going on.

0:58:57.520,0:58:59.510
And it's not like we didn't enjoy your culture too.

0:58:59.510,0:59:02.080
We enjoyed it, but you enjoyed it more than we did

0:59:02.080,0:59:03.950
which made it your culture, which made it you.

0:59:04.720,0:59:07.060
You know what I mean? White folks love certain songs

0:59:07.060,0:59:09.870
that we all enjoyed, but white people took it to another level..

0:59:11.210,0:59:15.070
White folks tend to like the songs that are like audience participation, you know?

0:59:15.740,0:59:16.830
You know, then they don't have to do a lot.

0:59:16.830,0:59:18.280
"I just go to follow what that guy's doing?"

0:59:18.280,0:59:19.280
"That's perfect. We'll do that."

0:59:21.150,0:59:23.820
'Cause the jokes are already out there, you know. "White people can't dance."

0:59:23.930,0:59:26.370
That's not true. It's not fair. White people can dance.

0:59:26.370,0:59:28.960
You just choose to do too many dances at the same time.

0:59:29.080,0:59:31.360
That's where the problems kick in, you know what I mean?

0:59:31.560,0:59:33.380
You can't salsa and do the running man.

0:59:33.380,0:59:34.670
It just doesn't look right, alright?

0:59:41.900,0:59:44.460
But white folks generally love the audience participation songs.

0:59:44.460,0:59:45.000
You know what I mean?

0:59:45.000,0:59:45.960
And we enjoyed 'em too.

0:59:45.960,0:59:47.240
Uh, the Macarena.

0:59:48.430,0:59:50.140
I mean, it started off as a Latino thing,

0:59:50.140,0:59:52.510
but then white people got ahold of it, and really ran with it,

0:59:52.510,0:59:53.280
you know what I mean?

0:59:53.700,0:59:55.420
They took it and made it theirs, you know what I mean?

0:59:55.420,0:59:56.730
We all did the Macarena,

0:59:56.730,0:59:58.520
but white people took it to another level. Left foot, right foot.

1:00:01.270,1:00:03.380
We went, "That's a white people's dance."

1:00:03.800,1:00:05.080
"Good on you, whities."

1:00:05.810,1:00:07.160
"Enjoy yourselves."

1:00:07.290,1:00:09.220
'Cause I like to watch them enjoy themselves like that.

1:00:09.220,1:00:10.780
When they hear their music that they like,

1:00:10.780,1:00:12.820
they get this joyous look in their eyes.

1:00:12.820,1:00:14.480
And I love to see people enjoy themselves like that.

1:00:14.650,1:00:16.110
There are certain songs. The Macarena.

1:00:16.110,1:00:18.470
The chicken dance. That's the white people's song, man.

1:00:18.530,1:00:19.470
You know the chicken dance.

1:00:19.470,1:00:23.390
[HUMMING THE CHICKEN DANCE]

1:00:23.770,1:00:24.980
You losers!

1:00:33.350,1:00:34.210
Arriba!

1:00:35.490,1:00:37.580
No, we're gonna stick with the chicken dance for now.

1:00:38.100,1:00:40.360
I like the chicken dance. That's a white people's--

1:00:40.360,1:00:41.970
[HUMMING THE CHICKEN DANCE]

1:00:43.160,1:00:45.550
You ever go to a white wedding and they play the chicken dance?

1:00:45.550,1:00:46.680
The minute they play the chicken dance,

1:00:46.680,1:00:48.380
that's how you know the dance floor's open.

1:00:48.780,1:00:49.770
'Cause white people lose their mind.

1:00:49.770,1:00:51.920
The bridesmaids, "Oh, my God, the chicken dance!"

1:01:00.420,1:01:02.450
And the song's tricky 'cause it gets faster.

1:01:04.370,1:01:06.270
You never know what's gonna happen next, you know?

1:01:08.560,1:01:10.580
And then there's like the song that I believe is like the white--

1:01:10.580,1:01:12.610
the white people's national anthem, you know?

1:01:14.690,1:01:17.650
I was walking down Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles,

1:01:18.050,1:01:19.950
and there was this nightclub playing this song.

1:01:20.660,1:01:23.080
And they were playing it really loud. You could hear it on the street.

1:01:23.320,1:01:25.450
And white people were walking by and driving by,

1:01:25.450,1:01:27.520
and they stopped dead in their tracks

1:01:28.110,1:01:29.390
to do the YMCA.

1:01:33.930,1:01:36.570
White people lose their mind when they hear the YMCA.

1:01:36.570,1:01:39.860
Stopped their cars in the middle of Sunset Boulevard,

1:01:39.950,1:01:42.910
got out of their car, and didn't do it like, you know, half-assed. They were like,

1:01:43.850,1:01:44.940
They do like this.

1:01:48.490,1:01:50.000
I was like, "Wow, this guy's into it."

1:01:50.000,1:01:51.650
People were honking their horns. "Move it!"

1:01:51.650,1:01:54.660
"Go around, asshole! I'm doing the YMCA over here!"

1:01:55.220,1:01:55.860
He was like,

1:01:58.130,1:01:59.170
And everybody was doing it.

1:01:59.170,1:02:01.240
And I saw how much joy was in their eyes.

1:02:01.240,1:02:03.930
And I felt so good for the white people at that time, you know?

1:02:04.040,1:02:06.090
I saw how much they were enjoying themselves, and I went,

1:02:06.090,1:02:08.150
"Yes, white people. Have fun."

1:02:09.260,1:02:11.500
And I felt good for you, you know what I mean?

1:02:11.500,1:02:13.130
And then I started to feel bad.

1:02:14.120,1:02:15.320
Not for you,

1:02:15.530,1:02:17.960
but for me and my people,

1:02:18.160,1:02:19.760
and other Asian groups.

1:02:20.450,1:02:21.830
Because our alphabet

1:02:25.330,1:02:27.540
is not set up for songs like that.

1:02:30.900,1:02:34.520
There's never gonna be a Chinese version of the YMCA, you know?

1:02:34.960,1:02:36.660
[IMITATING CHINESE][br]"This fun to stay on top!"

1:02:43.290,1:02:45.500
Hey, thank you very much, San Francisco. Good night.

1:02:58.520,1:03:01.140
Russell Peters, ladies and gentlemen!

1:03:02.830,1:03:04.660
Russell Peters!

1:03:12.590,1:03:15.580
I think they want some more. Do you want more?

1:03:17.680,1:03:19.380
He can't hear ya!

1:03:22.680,1:03:25.740
Here he is, guys! Russell Peters!

1:03:40.430,1:03:41.140
Alright!

1:03:46.850,1:03:50.400
Now, since this is gonna be for DVD release,

1:03:50.780,1:03:52.270
and for Comedy Central.

1:03:52.270,1:03:54.210
I know this part will be on Comedy Central, but

1:03:54.540,1:03:56.530
this part will definitely be on the DVD.

1:03:56.530,1:03:58.600
And this is part of the last time I'm gonna do this joke,

1:03:58.600,1:04:00.080
'cause I'm retiring it after this.

1:04:00.220,1:04:01.140
And uh...

1:04:01.640,1:04:04.610
No, no, no! You can have it on DVD, you cheap bastards!

1:04:06.060,1:04:07.620
Now, listen, when this DVD comes out,

1:04:07.620,1:04:09.350
I don't want you motherfuckers to go

1:04:09.350,1:04:12.710
and upload it and then start download this shit for free, alright?

1:04:14.440,1:04:17.630
I know how you are. Please, go and buy this.

1:04:17.980,1:04:19.910
This comes out, buy this one.

1:04:22.450,1:04:24.470
Gotta be a way to make it un-uploadable.

1:04:25.490,1:04:28.000
One of you bastards work in IT. I know you do.

1:04:30.410,1:04:32.170
See that? "I do! I do!"

1:04:32.690,1:04:33.830
"That's me!"

1:04:38.000,1:04:38.880
That's right.

1:04:40.090,1:04:40.820
Now,

1:04:43.970,1:04:45.400
I'm gona do this right now for ya.

1:04:47.120,1:04:48.280
Now, white folks.

1:04:48.370,1:04:50.950
I hope you enjoy this show tonight so far.

1:04:51.840,1:04:54.910
Now I've talked about white people already, and I'm...

1:04:54.910,1:04:56.990
but I've gotta talk to you a little bit more. 'Cause um...

1:04:58.710,1:05:01.210
Because I've gotta talk to you about your parenting skills.

1:05:08.700,1:05:10.690
Every time I see it on the news, I got really irritated.

1:05:10.690,1:05:12.370
When I hear them, "You shouldn't beat your children."

1:05:12.730,1:05:15.200
"Don't beat your kids. Talk to them."

1:05:15.770,1:05:16.980
"Give them a time out."

1:05:18.730,1:05:20.840
Beat the motherfuckers! That's what I'm trying to tell you.

1:05:24.190,1:05:26.190
White folks, please beat your children.

1:05:26.270,1:05:28.790
'Cause non-white parents will beat their kids.

1:05:29.070,1:05:30.650
Your dad's a Puerto Rican, your mom's black,

1:05:30.650,1:05:33.000
they must've whupped your ass for no reason sometimes, huh?

1:05:35.320,1:05:36.410
"Hey, son, come here."

1:05:37.840,1:05:38.630
"What's that for?"

1:05:38.850,1:05:40.720
"I know you did some shit when I wasn't here."

1:05:41.920,1:05:43.740
Mexican parents will do, "Mira!"

1:05:50.660,1:05:51.710
They'll beat you, man.

1:05:51.710,1:05:53.970
Indian parents aren't afraid to kill their kids if they have to,

1:05:53.970,1:05:54.750
you know what I mean?

1:05:55.280,1:05:57.500
We're the second largest population in the world.

1:05:57.970,1:05:59.690
Reproduction is not a big deal.

1:06:00.970,1:06:01.970
My dad's theory was,

1:06:01.970,1:06:04.210
"If I get rid of one, I'll just make another one."

1:06:05.130,1:06:07.830
"Then I'll tell the new one what an idiot the last one was."

1:06:11.650,1:06:13.970
You've gotta beat your kids, folks. Please.

1:06:14.090,1:06:15.650
I know a lot of white people don't beat them,

1:06:15.650,1:06:17.720
but I don't understand why you won't beat your kids.

1:06:17.900,1:06:19.610
Please beat them. If you have kids,

1:06:19.800,1:06:22.650
and you haven't beaten them, when you go home tonight,

1:06:25.490,1:06:27.210
shit, when you turn off this DVD,

1:06:27.210,1:06:29.810
I want you to go into your kid's room and

1:06:29.810,1:06:31.340
"Hey, hey, buddy. How you doing?"

1:06:31.770,1:06:33.030
"Hey. Sleeping?"

1:06:33.520,1:06:34.160
"Yeah?"

1:06:35.070,1:06:37.000
"That's good. Have it here?"

1:06:37.300,1:06:38.230
"Uh huh, yeah?"

1:06:38.230,1:06:39.730
Whack! Just one below.

1:06:40.090,1:06:40.930
Whack, you know.

1:06:42.520,1:06:44.140
He's already lying down, he'll sleep it off.

1:06:44.140,1:06:45.200
Don't worry about it, alright?

1:06:47.100,1:06:49.190
You gotta beat 'em, and I'll tell you why.

1:06:49.690,1:06:52.520
Because white kids are now going to school with

1:06:52.520,1:06:56.580
with black kids, and brown kids,

1:06:56.580,1:06:57.510
and Asian kids,

1:06:57.510,1:07:01.030
and they're going to school with multi-cultural kids.

1:07:01.580,1:07:02.940
And all those kids get beaten.

1:07:04.680,1:07:06.520
And they'll all be hanging on the playground,

1:07:06.520,1:07:08.760
having fun with each other, you know what I mean? They'll be--

1:07:09.060,1:07:11.770
they'll be talking about the ass-whupping they got last night.

1:07:13.190,1:07:16.000
Black kid, "My dad beat my ass."[br]Indian kid, "My dad beat my ass, too."

1:07:16.450,1:07:18.050
Asians, "I got my ass whupped."

1:07:20.590,1:07:22.570
Do you want that white kid to feel left out?

1:07:23.790,1:07:25.960
Beat him, so he's not a social outcast.

1:07:26.450,1:07:27.980
"I got sent to my room."

1:07:28.680,1:07:29.850
"You got a room?"

1:07:37.010,1:07:37.640
Beat them!

1:07:37.640,1:07:39.840
Please. And I'll tell you why you need to beat them. Why else?

1:07:41.090,1:07:43.050
Because when--

1:07:44.150,1:07:45.880
when white kids hang around non-white kids,

1:07:45.880,1:07:47.860
we tend to look at them for advice.

1:07:49.640,1:07:52.960
And it could get us murdered if we listen to their fucked up advice

1:07:53.780,1:07:55.630
on how to deal with our parents.

1:07:56.480,1:07:57.590
I remember when I was 10 years old,

1:07:57.590,1:07:59.370
I hang around this white kid, Ryan.

1:08:01.530,1:08:03.360
Ryan's parents never beat him,

1:08:03.360,1:08:04.890
and they never even yell at him.

1:08:04.890,1:08:06.620
He could do anything he wanted,

1:08:06.620,1:08:08.160
and nothing was gonna happen to him.

1:08:08.620,1:08:10.000
But he was an angry kid.

1:08:10.360,1:08:12.410
I walked into his house after school one day, his mom goes,

1:08:12.410,1:08:14.390
"Ryan, go clean your room."

1:08:15.060,1:08:16.420
"Fuck you, bitch!"

1:08:24.240,1:08:26.670
His mom goes, "What am I gonna do with him?"

1:08:29.460,1:08:30.870
Well, beat his ass!

1:08:34.000,1:08:36.040
I go, "Ryan, you can't talk to your mom like that."

1:08:36.040,1:08:37.890
"Yes I can, she's a fucking idiot!"

1:08:38.930,1:08:40.689
"Don't say that, man. She'll hit you."

1:08:41.290,1:08:43.330
"No she won't. She's not allowed to."

1:08:46.920,1:08:48.310
"What are you talking about, dude?"

1:08:48.630,1:08:49.810
"My parents hit me."

1:08:49.910,1:08:53.250
"Yeah, well, next time they try it, you tell them to fuck off."

1:09:02.740,1:09:03.830
"Are you sure?"

1:09:05.880,1:09:07.960
"Trust me. It works for me."

1:09:09.020,1:09:10.290
So I went home

1:09:11.950,1:09:13.090
for the last time.

1:09:15.740,1:09:16.600
I walked in the house,

1:09:16.600,1:09:18.700
my dad goes, "Russell, come and do the dishes."

1:09:19.470,1:09:20.819
"Fuck you, dad!"

1:09:34.740,1:09:36.390
"What the hell did you just said to me?"

1:09:37.260,1:09:39.010
"Do I look like Ryan's mom?"

1:09:40.870,1:09:43.729
"Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad."

1:09:53.310,1:09:54.740
That was my dad's threat.

1:09:54.920,1:09:56.970
Right before he beat me. Every single time.

1:09:56.970,1:09:57.930
"Russell,"

1:09:58.660,1:10:01.180
"somebody gonna get a hurt real bad."

1:10:02.040,1:10:04.350
I hated that threat. You know why?

1:10:04.350,1:10:05.920
'Cause he always say 'somebody.'

1:10:07.340,1:10:08.840
He'd never tell you it's you.

1:10:09.670,1:10:11.500
I mean, you knew it was you.

1:10:11.840,1:10:13.360
But he gives you this hope.

1:10:16.230,1:10:16.940
"Russell!"

1:10:18.480,1:10:20.770
"Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad."

1:10:22.500,1:10:23.370
"Somebody."

1:10:25.160,1:10:26.430
"I'm not gonna say who."

1:10:27.500,1:10:29.980
"Oh, I think you might know him very well."

1:10:31.580,1:10:34.320
I'm at the back praying, "I hope it's my brother, man. Please."

1:10:34.730,1:10:36.630
"Beat Julio's ass."

1:10:40.020,1:10:42.150
I saw that little brat, Ryan, at school a few days later,

1:10:42.150,1:10:44.510
I was like, "Yo! Your little plan almost got me killed!"

1:10:44.510,1:10:48.190
He goes, "Oh, sorry, dude. I forgot to tell you the other part."

1:10:48.340,1:10:51.640
"If he's still gonna hit you, threaten to phone Child Services."

1:10:54.150,1:10:54.880
"Why?"

1:10:55.440,1:10:58.790
"'Cause if you phone Child Services, they'll come and take your dad away,"

1:10:58.790,1:11:00.960
"and he'll get in trouble. You won't even have to call,"

1:11:00.960,1:11:03.380
"just pretend. It'll scare the shit out of him."

1:11:05.160,1:11:06.280
You're 10 years old,

1:11:06.280,1:11:08.190
you figured out how to scare the shit out of your dad,

1:11:08.470,1:11:10.020
that's like finding kryptonite.

1:11:11.710,1:11:12.820
I thought I'd try it.

1:11:12.820,1:11:14.970
I was about to get my next beating, I stop my dad and go,

1:11:14.970,1:11:16.770
"Don't do it!"

1:11:18.840,1:11:20.820
"I'll phone Child Services."

1:11:24.690,1:11:26.520
You ever had your parents called your bluff?

1:11:27.450,1:11:28.440
"You'll do what?"

1:11:31.690,1:11:34.150
"I'll phone Child Services."

1:11:34.640,1:11:36.220
"Is that right?"

1:11:37.710,1:11:42.340
[SHIVERING SOUND]

1:11:43.520,1:11:45.600
"Well, let me get you the phone, tough guy."

1:11:48.360,1:11:49.420
"What are you doing?"

1:11:49.990,1:11:52.890
"If I phone Child Services, you'll get in trouble."

1:11:52.890,1:11:55.210
"I might get into a little bit of trouble."

1:11:55.970,1:11:59.620
"But I know that it's going to take them 22 minutes to get here."

1:12:01.360,1:12:02.970
"In that time,"

1:12:02.970,1:12:05.660
"somebody gonna get a hurt real bad."

1:12:06.490,1:12:08.320
Thank you very much! Good night.

1:12:08.800,1:12:17.790
[HOUSE MUSIC CONTINUES]