WEBVTT
00:00:03.350 --> 00:00:04.740
Ladies and gentlemen,
00:00:06.689 --> 00:00:07.970
ladies and gentlemen,
00:00:07.970 --> 00:00:09.570
please, if you say that,
00:00:09.970 --> 00:00:11.220
gentlemen. My man,
00:00:11.580 --> 00:00:14.540
[MIXED]
Russell Peters!
00:00:14.540 --> 00:00:22.100
Yeah, brothers know his name.
00:00:22.140 --> 00:00:24.890
Here he is, guys! Russell Peters!
00:00:27.330 --> 00:00:42.930
[HOUSE MUSIC CONTINUES]
00:00:43.400 --> 00:00:44.700
All right.
00:00:45.810 --> 00:00:47.550
How you doing? All right.
00:00:55.170 --> 00:00:58.360
All right, look at you, you filthy downloaders.
00:01:01.420 --> 00:01:02.640
Look at this audience, man.
00:01:02.640 --> 00:01:04.750
Everybody. This is cool, man.
00:01:05.150 --> 00:01:05.860
Everybody.
00:01:05.860 --> 00:01:09.060
We got-- clearly we got some Asians in the house. That's uh...
00:01:12.120 --> 00:01:14.100
I saw all the Honda Civics in the parking lot.
00:01:14.100 --> 00:01:15.410
I knew you were here.
00:01:16.520 --> 00:01:19.450
I thought they were shooting Fast and The Furious Part 3 or something.
00:01:21.830 --> 00:01:25.570
Oh, man, and then the brown bastards. Look at you, huh?
00:01:26.540 --> 00:01:27.380
All right.
00:01:27.720 --> 00:01:31.500
There's a lot of closed motels in town right now, I tell you that. There's uh...
00:01:34.450 --> 00:01:37.440
White people, how you doing? White folks, good to see you.
00:01:38.600 --> 00:01:40.400
All right, a white guy with a brown girl.
00:01:40.400 --> 00:01:41.900
Good job, buddy, huh?
00:01:44.460 --> 00:01:46.840
Her parents must be so happy.
00:01:52.900 --> 00:01:53.550
Ha ha.
00:01:54.220 --> 00:01:55.740
There's a brown man with a white woman.
00:01:55.740 --> 00:01:57.480
Nice, see? Balance.
00:02:00.250 --> 00:02:03.080
That's what I'm talking about. He's living the American dream.
00:02:03.850 --> 00:02:05.480
Or at least the Indian dream.
00:02:06.240 --> 00:02:08.949
[INDIAN ACCENT]
"If I go to America and I get white woman,"
00:02:10.720 --> 00:02:12.270
"I'm ahead of the game."
00:02:18.180 --> 00:02:20.290
Latinos in the house? Where the Latinos at?
00:02:21.770 --> 00:02:23.090
All right, all six of you.
00:02:23.090 --> 00:02:24.340
Good. All right.
00:02:25.300 --> 00:02:28.080
I don't know how the hell we're in California, only six Latinos showed up.
00:02:30.510 --> 00:02:31.720
And black people?
00:02:32.190 --> 00:02:34.390
You clap again. Look at that, hey.
00:02:35.060 --> 00:02:36.960
You got both. You're black and Latino.
00:02:37.200 --> 00:02:38.550
Your credit must suck.
00:02:38.550 --> 00:02:39.840
You're... I just can't...
00:02:46.390 --> 00:02:47.910
Oh, man.
00:02:50.180 --> 00:02:52.050
It's funny, when I say 'Asian,'
00:02:52.050 --> 00:02:53.920
especially in America, when I say 'Asian,'
00:02:53.920 --> 00:02:55.930
people automatically picture in their head,
00:02:55.930 --> 00:02:58.200
[IMITATES CHINESE MUSIC]
00:03:01.150 --> 00:03:03.920
Which is messed up because India is part of Asia,
00:03:03.920 --> 00:03:05.530
and we don't get the same credit.
00:03:06.020 --> 00:03:07.690
When I say 'Asian,' people don't go...
00:03:07.690 --> 00:03:09.760
[IMITATES INDIAN MUSIC]
00:03:12.930 --> 00:03:14.820
We're Asian too, man.
00:03:15.630 --> 00:03:18.610
When God was making Asians, he made two types of Asians.
00:03:19.230 --> 00:03:21.460
And you guys got first choice on looks.
00:03:22.370 --> 00:03:24.030
And you fucked us on the deal.
00:03:26.860 --> 00:03:28.670
"Yeah, well, we'll take eyes."
00:03:39.750 --> 00:03:41.960
"You guys can have noses and hair."
00:03:43.470 --> 00:03:44.560
My people are greedy,
00:03:44.560 --> 00:03:47.010
"We heard two! We got two! That's a good deal, two!"
00:03:49.290 --> 00:03:51.340
"Noses and hair!"
00:03:53.010 --> 00:03:55.380
We didn't know it was gonna be big noses and body hair.
00:03:55.380 --> 00:03:56.670
That's a shit deal!
00:04:03.570 --> 00:04:05.780
We're a hairy race of people, man.
00:04:06.460 --> 00:04:09.110
It's hot as hell in India, and we're hairy.
00:04:10.660 --> 00:04:12.680
Who the hell came up with that deal?
00:04:13.290 --> 00:04:15.090
I think the God that was making Indian people
00:04:15.090 --> 00:04:17.760
was having some sort of practical joke with all the other Gods.
00:04:17.940 --> 00:04:20.279
He was like, "Hey, guys, come here and watch this. Watch this."
00:04:21.850 --> 00:04:24.140
"Buddha, put down the drink. Come here. Come here."
00:04:25.870 --> 00:04:26.670
"OK, look."
00:04:26.670 --> 00:04:28.710
"I'm going to take these people here."
00:04:29.740 --> 00:04:32.400
"And put them in the hottest place in the world."
00:04:33.550 --> 00:04:35.630
"And just for fun,"
00:04:37.980 --> 00:04:39.330
"I'll cover them with hair."
00:04:42.020 --> 00:04:43.800
It's hot and we're hairy.
00:04:44.410 --> 00:04:45.900
Men and women.
00:04:51.150 --> 00:04:53.030
Indian girls getting mad, pulling down their sleeves,
00:04:53.030 --> 00:04:54.710
"I hate this son of a bitch!"
00:05:05.770 --> 00:05:07.910
It's OK nowadays that chicks have hair,
00:05:07.910 --> 00:05:09.970
Nowadays chicks can take care of it, you know what I mean?
00:05:10.300 --> 00:05:12.100
Chicks have hair they don't want nowadays, they can get rid of it.
00:05:12.100 --> 00:05:14.010
All kinds of hair removing methods as,
00:05:14.010 --> 00:05:16.920
There's waxing, there's electrolysis, there's threading, there's...
00:05:16.920 --> 00:05:18.260
laser hair removal.
00:05:18.260 --> 00:05:21.920
They have hair they don't want now,
[IMITATES ELECTROLYSIS]
00:05:24.400 --> 00:05:25.160
It's gone!
00:05:25.160 --> 00:05:27.140
They're removing it from their assholes now.
00:05:29.830 --> 00:05:31.960
How hairy were your assholes before this?
00:05:38.240 --> 00:05:39.480
You know they used to do in the eighties,
00:05:39.480 --> 00:05:40.880
when chicks have hair they didn't want?
00:05:40.880 --> 00:05:42.330
They used to bleach it.
00:05:44.370 --> 00:05:47.740
I'm like, "Sweetheart, we don't have a problem with the color of your mustache."
00:05:53.660 --> 00:05:56.090
"It's not like the blond goatie looks better."
00:06:02.690 --> 00:06:04.810
And the Asians are not hairy at all.
00:06:05.370 --> 00:06:08.370
Full head of hair on their head, and nothing on their body.
00:06:08.720 --> 00:06:10.490
Very rarely do you see a bald Asian.
00:06:10.490 --> 00:06:12.760
Well, unless they shave it off, you know what I mean? But...
00:06:14.540 --> 00:06:15.410
Oh, man.
00:06:15.410 --> 00:06:17.430
And when I say 'Asian,' you know what's funny? When I say 'Asian,'
00:06:17.430 --> 00:06:18.910
people automatically think Chinese.
00:06:18.910 --> 00:06:20.780
People go, "Chinese, yes, Asians, Chinese."
00:06:20.780 --> 00:06:22.960
"That's all they are. All the Asians are Chinese."
00:06:24.910 --> 00:06:26.350
Look at them, yelling out their last name.
00:06:26.350 --> 00:06:28.400
So proud, that's cool. But, uh...
00:06:38.570 --> 00:06:39.100
But it's funny.
00:06:39.100 --> 00:06:40.930
People do think all Asians are Chinese.
00:06:40.930 --> 00:06:42.770
That's what they think. "All Asians are Chinese."
00:06:42.770 --> 00:06:45.500
"They all speak Chinese, they look Chinese. That's what they are, and that's what they do."
00:06:46.790 --> 00:06:47.680
That's not the case.
00:06:47.680 --> 00:06:49.360
There's so many different types of Asians.
00:06:49.360 --> 00:06:50.060
You know what I mean?
00:06:50.060 --> 00:06:52.010
Sure, you may not be able to tell right away,
00:06:52.010 --> 00:06:53.400
by looking at Asian people,
00:06:53.400 --> 00:06:55.250
You could take an educated guess.
00:06:55.250 --> 00:06:57.450
Sometimes certain things stand out,
00:06:57.450 --> 00:06:59.320
and you go, "Oh, I know what kind of Asian you are."
00:07:00.260 --> 00:07:03.460
But if you really want to learn the differences between different Asian groups,
00:07:03.460 --> 00:07:06.020
you can tell by when they speak English. That's how you can tell.
00:07:06.330 --> 00:07:08.730
Now, just to get a feel for the Asians that are in the room tonight,
00:07:08.730 --> 00:07:11.240
Um, do we have any Vietnamese people here tonight?
00:07:11.240 --> 00:07:12.190
Vietnamese people?
00:07:13.350 --> 00:07:15.110
All right, like one guy hiding upstairs too.
00:07:15.110 --> 00:07:16.630
[IMITATES VIETNAMESE]
Tou mah!
00:07:27.060 --> 00:07:29.130
Any Koreans in the house? Koreans in the house?
00:07:30.090 --> 00:07:32.100
All right, that's two closed dry cleaners.
00:07:32.100 --> 00:07:33.380
Nice. That's uh...
00:07:36.560 --> 00:07:37.260
Filipinos?
00:07:37.260 --> 00:07:38.920
Oh, yeah, I see you right there.
00:07:39.390 --> 00:07:41.390
I knew you guys were Filipino right away
00:07:41.390 --> 00:07:42.610
'cause you keep staring at the microphone,
00:07:42.610 --> 00:07:44.330
like there's gonna be karaoke after the show.
00:07:44.330 --> 00:07:45.300
I can see it too.
00:07:51.220 --> 00:07:54.340
"I hope this Bombay hurries up with the show please, 'cause, uh..."
00:07:54.890 --> 00:07:56.070
"I want to get up there and sing."
00:07:56.070 --> 00:07:57.250
[IMITATES TAGALOG]
"Utahkeenah, hurry!"
00:08:02.670 --> 00:08:04.640
And Chinese people, where you at? Chinese folks?
00:08:07.130 --> 00:08:08.850
Nice. That's good, man.
00:08:08.850 --> 00:08:11.090
You can tell by when Asian groups are speaking English.
00:08:11.090 --> 00:08:12.500
That's how you can tell where they're from.
00:08:12.500 --> 00:08:13.320
I'll give you an example.
00:08:13.320 --> 00:08:14.600
Vietnamese people,
00:08:14.600 --> 00:08:15.740
you can tell when they're speaking English,
00:08:15.740 --> 00:08:17.670
you can tell they're Vietnamese 'cause when they speak English,
00:08:17.670 --> 00:08:19.230
they speak it really fast.
00:08:19.540 --> 00:08:20.830
Like they know it.
00:08:24.090 --> 00:08:25.580
But they end up speaking English so fast,
00:08:25.580 --> 00:08:28.290
that it ends up sounding like Vietnamese all over again.
00:08:29.330 --> 00:08:31.160
I got cussed out by this Vietnamese guy,
00:08:31.160 --> 00:08:32.370
this what he says to me, he goes,
00:08:32.370 --> 00:08:34.190
[IMITATES VIETNAMESE ACCENT]
"Fuck you, OK, you fucking blow job!"
00:08:37.380 --> 00:08:39.390
He called me a fucking blow job.
00:08:40.970 --> 00:08:43.289
Have you ever been called a blow job before?
00:08:44.179 --> 00:08:46.260
Do you realize if somebody calls you a blow job,
00:08:46.260 --> 00:08:48.340
there is not one good comeback...
00:08:50.080 --> 00:08:51.950
There's nothing you can say that will sound cool.
00:08:51.950 --> 00:08:53.150
"You fucking blow job!"
00:08:54.890 --> 00:08:55.570
"Yeah?"
00:08:58.550 --> 00:08:59.750
"So are you."
00:09:03.120 --> 00:09:04.720
That's why I like different cultures, you know.
00:09:04.720 --> 00:09:05.630
Different cultures,
00:09:05.630 --> 00:09:08.190
different words mean different things to them in English, and,
00:09:08.190 --> 00:09:10.100
and in their language are, you know what I mean?
00:09:10.100 --> 00:09:11.140
Like, I'm from Toronto.
00:09:11.140 --> 00:09:13.190
In Toronto, there's a Vietnamese restaurant,
00:09:13.190 --> 00:09:14.550
called Pho Phuc Lai.
00:09:16.800 --> 00:09:19.180
P, H, O, P, H, U, C,
00:09:19.680 --> 00:09:20.550
L, A, I.
00:09:21.110 --> 00:09:22.120
Pho Phuc Lai.
00:09:23.490 --> 00:09:24.820
I used to call them when I was a kid,
00:09:24.820 --> 00:09:26.650
just to have the guy answer the phone, you know.
00:09:27.830 --> 00:09:28.900
"Pho Phuc Lai."
00:09:30.290 --> 00:09:31.660
"Ha ha ha!"
00:09:39.340 --> 00:09:40.750
Pho Phuc Lai.
00:09:41.220 --> 00:09:43.310
Doesn't it sound like a whole new level of lying?
00:09:43.490 --> 00:09:45.950
"Hey, don't lie! That's a pho phuc lai!"
00:09:48.800 --> 00:09:49.930
"You fucking blow job!"
00:09:56.330 --> 00:09:57.970
You can tell when Koreans are speaking English,
00:09:57.970 --> 00:09:59.390
'cause when Korean people speak English,
00:09:59.390 --> 00:10:01.010
they sound like they're out of breath.
00:10:01.320 --> 00:10:02.400
Like they just ran a marathon.
00:10:02.400 --> 00:10:06.170
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
00:10:06.170 --> 00:10:08.530
"You don't..."
00:10:09.150 --> 00:10:12.190
"...make any jokes..."
00:10:12.190 --> 00:10:13.550
"...about..."
00:10:13.750 --> 00:10:16.180
"...the Koreans."
00:10:18.270 --> 00:10:19.320
[IMITATES ASTHMA INHALER]
00:10:25.820 --> 00:10:28.030
I know how to count to six in Korean.
00:10:28.230 --> 00:10:29.720
Not impressive, but it beats, you know,
00:10:29.720 --> 00:10:31.890
learning how to swear in somebody's language, you know what I mean?
00:10:32.060 --> 00:10:34.040
When we get mad, the first thing you do when you learn somebody's language,
00:10:34.040 --> 00:10:35.080
we learn how to curse, right?
00:10:35.080 --> 00:10:36.630
When we get mad at people when they come here,
00:10:36.630 --> 00:10:38.840
and the first thing they learn is how to swear at you.
00:10:39.180 --> 00:10:40.650
I mean, we're like, "Oh, that's so ignorant."
00:10:40.650 --> 00:10:43.300
Did you hear me walk into a store, going, "Hello, motherfucker."
00:10:44.350 --> 00:10:46.070
That's what he learned, you know what I mean?
00:10:46.400 --> 00:10:48.260
I learned how to count to six, it's not impressive, but...
00:10:48.260 --> 00:10:49.550
I learned... and I'm not being a dick,
00:10:49.550 --> 00:10:51.910
I really did learn how to count to six from my dry cleaner.
00:10:52.540 --> 00:10:54.110
I did. I will drop my shirts off,
00:10:54.110 --> 00:10:56.150
and then she'll count them, and I'll count along with her.
00:10:56.150 --> 00:10:57.250
So I learned, right? I did it.
00:10:57.250 --> 00:10:58.680
So, here I count to six. Ready?
00:10:58.680 --> 00:11:00.140
"Uhrana."
00:11:00.920 --> 00:11:02.710
"Shura."
00:11:03.340 --> 00:11:05.490
"Sureeah."
00:11:06.170 --> 00:11:07.790
"Uurah."
00:11:08.310 --> 00:11:10.070
"Haibah."
00:11:10.600 --> 00:11:11.550
"Shexah!"
00:11:15.170 --> 00:11:16.180
Shexah?
00:11:17.210 --> 00:11:18.400
"Are you Jewish?"
00:11:21.780 --> 00:11:23.630
You can tell when Chinese people are speaking English.
00:11:23.630 --> 00:11:24.990
When Chinese people speak English,
00:11:24.990 --> 00:11:26.950
it sounds like they're chopping vegetables with the words.
00:11:26.950 --> 00:11:27.800
You know what I mean?
00:11:27.800 --> 00:11:29.630
[IMITATES CHINESE ACCENT]
"You don't go nowhere quick!"
00:11:35.620 --> 00:11:36.900
"Don't say nothing bad!"
00:11:39.030 --> 00:11:39.910
"Don't say nothing what?"
00:11:39.910 --> 00:11:40.560
"Bad."
00:11:41.700 --> 00:11:43.970
How did you just make a short word even shorter?
00:11:50.860 --> 00:11:53.200
I learned about the cultures 'cause I travel around, you know what I mean?
00:11:53.200 --> 00:11:55.000
I did shows in Vietnam a few years ago.
00:11:55.000 --> 00:11:57.220
I had a good time in Vietnam. Vietnam is a great place.
00:11:57.220 --> 00:11:59.960
Hot as shit! Hot as hell in Vietnam.
00:11:59.960 --> 00:12:01.620
Like, when an Indian guy tells you it's hot,
00:12:01.620 --> 00:12:03.330
trust me, it was hot!
00:12:04.860 --> 00:12:06.740
Good place. Nice people.
00:12:06.740 --> 00:12:08.610
I didn't know until I went to Vietnam,
00:12:08.610 --> 00:12:10.540
that you can actually use a scooter,
00:12:10.540 --> 00:12:11.820
as a minivan.
00:12:13.240 --> 00:12:14.040
I didn't know.
00:12:15.570 --> 00:12:18.680
You will see an entire family on a scooter.
00:12:19.930 --> 00:12:21.460
Like, dad will sit here, right,
00:12:21.460 --> 00:12:22.680
on the little piece of seat.
00:12:22.920 --> 00:12:24.540
And a small child will sit there.
00:12:24.800 --> 00:12:27.080
And then another small child will stand in front.
00:12:27.490 --> 00:12:30.140
And then mom will sit off to the side at the back like that.
00:12:30.390 --> 00:12:32.800
And then another kid will sit off to the side this way.
00:12:32.900 --> 00:12:34.760
And one more kid will face that way.
00:12:35.170 --> 00:12:36.780
And there'll be three kids doing back flips
00:12:36.780 --> 00:12:38.480
while he's driving on the street.
00:12:40.180 --> 00:12:41.130
When you saw that here,
00:12:41.130 --> 00:12:42.640
that'll be stuffs you see like, at the circus,
00:12:42.640 --> 00:12:44.240
like, "Do not attempt to do this at home,"
00:12:44.240 --> 00:12:46.090
"these are professional stunt drivers."
00:12:46.090 --> 00:12:48.600
And there will be six white guys and they'll be driving real careful.
00:12:50.150 --> 00:12:51.390
In Vietnam, it's the entire family.
00:12:51.390 --> 00:12:54.950
Dad's weaving in and out of traffic.
[IMITATES HONKING SOUND]
00:12:55.100 --> 00:12:57.830
Mom's on the back, eating.
[IMITATES HONKING SOUND]
00:13:04.170 --> 00:13:05.480
Good place, Vietnam. I did...
00:13:05.480 --> 00:13:07.830
And if there's any other reason to go to Vietnam,
00:13:07.830 --> 00:13:09.650
I'll tell you what it is. For their money.
00:13:09.970 --> 00:13:12.050
The money in Vietnam is dope. Do you know what it's called?
00:13:12.050 --> 00:13:12.930
Dong.
00:13:13.810 --> 00:13:15.800
That's... That's the name of their money.
00:13:15.800 --> 00:13:16.560
Dong.
00:13:16.820 --> 00:13:17.670
It's worth going there
00:13:17.670 --> 00:13:19.420
just to have a woman you don't know walks up and go,
00:13:19.420 --> 00:13:20.380
"Excuse me, sir."
00:13:21.220 --> 00:13:22.790
"Could you give me some dong?"
00:13:29.390 --> 00:13:30.690
"Yes, I can."
00:13:34.820 --> 00:13:37.040
"Would you like some schlong with that dong? Would you..."
00:13:40.860 --> 00:13:42.000
I love that term 'schlong.'
00:13:42.000 --> 00:13:43.250
Doesn't it sound gross?
00:13:43.630 --> 00:13:45.780
White guys came up with that term for sure, right?
00:13:46.290 --> 00:13:47.490
"Hey, dude, there I was,"
00:13:47.490 --> 00:13:49.250
"as I whipped up my schlong."
00:13:50.220 --> 00:13:51.460
'Schlong.'
00:13:51.460 --> 00:13:52.610
Sounds wet.
00:13:53.680 --> 00:13:55.080
I don't even have schlong.
00:13:55.080 --> 00:13:56.500
You know, I got a slurt.
00:13:57.370 --> 00:13:58.140
I got uh...
00:14:00.410 --> 00:14:02.490
Hey, dude, the show's up here, okay?
00:14:10.240 --> 00:14:12.090
"I'm not a piece of meat."
00:14:19.440 --> 00:14:21.170
Went to China last year, mainland.
00:14:21.170 --> 00:14:22.500
Chinese people, where are you? Right there?
00:14:22.500 --> 00:14:23.290
You're over there?
00:14:24.180 --> 00:14:25.410
You're over here too. Look at that.
00:14:25.410 --> 00:14:26.910
- You Chinese too, bro?
- Yeah.
00:14:26.910 --> 00:14:28.710
Yeah? You looked upset about that.
00:14:29.950 --> 00:14:31.360
"You Chinese too?" He was like, "Yeah..."
00:14:33.540 --> 00:14:35.700
"I try to do this a lot, but it doesn't work."
00:14:38.040 --> 00:14:39.980
"Now I'm a Powrish."
00:14:46.150 --> 00:14:47.530
What's you name, Chinese guy?
00:14:47.870 --> 00:14:48.460
I'm Vincent.
00:14:48.670 --> 00:14:50.960
Vincent, that's what I thought when I looked at you, I was like,
00:14:51.590 --> 00:14:53.590
That guy there is Vincent.
00:14:54.330 --> 00:14:55.860
Do you have a Chinese name as well, Vincent?
00:14:55.860 --> 00:14:56.230
Yeah.
00:14:56.230 --> 00:14:57.190
What is it, Vincent?
00:14:57.190 --> 00:14:58.160
Uh, Liung Ay Hyung.
00:14:58.160 --> 00:15:00.560
Oh, slow down, hammer. I'm not Chinese, you know what I mean?
00:15:03.060 --> 00:15:04.770
You ain't got to say it all proper for me.
00:15:04.770 --> 00:15:06.040
[IMITATES CHINESE ACCENT]
"Tung Lor Deah."
00:15:06.430 --> 00:15:07.830
"Oh, really?"
You know.
00:15:08.770 --> 00:15:10.090
Say it again, Vincent. Go ahead, buddy.
00:15:10.090 --> 00:15:11.020
Liung Ay Hyung.
00:15:11.020 --> 00:15:12.430
Leong Eey Hung?
00:15:14.630 --> 00:15:16.590
You just made shit up. I could tell right there.
00:15:17.790 --> 00:15:19.260
He was like swallowing or something.
00:15:19.260 --> 00:15:20.400
Ong Ah...
00:15:21.110 --> 00:15:22.020
Ah.
00:15:23.060 --> 00:15:24.940
And you're Chinese as well? So what's your name?
00:15:25.090 --> 00:15:25.580
Catherine.
00:15:25.710 --> 00:15:27.530
Catherine, yes, absolutely.
00:15:28.590 --> 00:15:30.060
You know those Chinese couples,
00:15:30.060 --> 00:15:31.680
Catherine and Vincent?
00:15:35.430 --> 00:15:37.070
You have a Chinese name too, Catherine?
00:15:37.070 --> 00:15:38.800
Is yours as confusing as Vincent's?
00:15:39.290 --> 00:15:40.210
What is it? Go ahead.
00:15:40.210 --> 00:15:41.260
Giu Lay Mi.
00:15:41.390 --> 00:15:42.660
Giu Lay Moy.
00:15:44.580 --> 00:15:45.760
"Do I like your what?"
00:15:47.620 --> 00:15:48.950
"Giu lie moy."
00:15:50.600 --> 00:15:51.300
"Tits."
00:16:00.250 --> 00:16:01.470
Giu Lie Moy.
00:16:02.370 --> 00:16:04.140
That sounds sexy, man.
00:16:04.540 --> 00:16:06.890
But that's one of those names you brag about to your friend,
00:16:06.890 --> 00:16:07.850
you know what I mean?
00:16:07.850 --> 00:16:10.060
Like if I said, "Yeah, man, I banged this chick named Catherine."
00:16:10.060 --> 00:16:11.900
My friends will be like, "Oh, who cares?" You know?
00:16:11.900 --> 00:16:13.980
If I was like "Yo, I banged this chick named Giu Lay Moy."
00:16:15.170 --> 00:16:17.020
"Did you videotape this shit? Did you..."
00:16:18.570 --> 00:16:20.050
"Man, it's exotic!"
00:16:22.850 --> 00:16:24.810
Where are your family-- where are your families from?
00:16:25.080 --> 00:16:25.730
The bay area.
00:16:25.730 --> 00:16:27.580
The bay area. That's what I thought when I looked at you.
00:16:27.580 --> 00:16:28.380
I uh...
00:16:29.020 --> 00:16:30.090
But, before that?
00:16:31.790 --> 00:16:32.710
Uh, East Canton.
00:16:33.080 --> 00:16:34.050
- Hong Kong?
- Yeah.
00:16:34.050 --> 00:16:35.350
- And you too?
- China.
00:16:35.350 --> 00:16:36.960
- China. Mainland?
- Yeah.
00:16:36.960 --> 00:16:37.920
What part?
00:16:38.460 --> 00:16:39.410
You don't know.
00:16:40.190 --> 00:16:41.830
You just accepted it at face value?
00:16:41.830 --> 00:16:43.140
"Mom, dad, where are you from?"
00:16:43.140 --> 00:16:43.890
"China."
00:16:51.210 --> 00:16:51.920
"What part?"
00:16:51.920 --> 00:16:52.840
"Downtown."
00:17:01.390 --> 00:17:02.790
"Downtown China."
00:17:03.570 --> 00:17:05.440
"Okay, Catherine? No more question."
00:17:12.619 --> 00:17:14.790
Can you speak Mandarin or Cantonese or anything?
00:17:15.119 --> 00:17:15.630
Cantonese?
00:17:15.630 --> 00:17:19.099
So they're from obviously a Cantonese part of mainland China, see?
00:17:21.380 --> 00:17:22.560
See how I did it?
00:17:23.530 --> 00:17:25.730
And obviously you speak Cantonese, right, Vincent?
00:17:25.730 --> 00:17:27.250
'Cause your parents are from Hong Kong.
00:17:27.250 --> 00:17:28.530
See, I know the difference.
00:17:28.530 --> 00:17:29.290
People don't know the difference.
00:17:29.290 --> 00:17:31.250
People just think, "Oh, Chinese people speak Chinese,"
00:17:31.250 --> 00:17:33.980
which is pretty ignorant 'cause there's no language called Chinese.
00:17:33.980 --> 00:17:35.190
It's like when people come up to me and they're like,
00:17:35.190 --> 00:17:37.580
"Hey, Russell, how do you say 'hi' in Indian?"
00:17:39.270 --> 00:17:40.960
I'm like, "Well, there's no language called Indian,"
00:17:40.960 --> 00:17:42.170
"so I don't know if you're asking me."
00:17:42.290 --> 00:17:43.840
"All right, smart ass."
00:17:46.840 --> 00:17:48.530
"How do they say 'hello' in India?"
00:17:49.410 --> 00:17:49.970
Like this.
00:17:49.970 --> 00:17:51.700
[IMITATES INDIAN ACCENT]
"Hellooo!"
00:18:01.900 --> 00:18:03.100
Just to clear it up, if you don't know,
00:18:03.100 --> 00:18:05.450
there's the two main languages in the Chinese culture. They...
00:18:05.450 --> 00:18:06.970
Cantonese and Mandarin,
00:18:06.970 --> 00:18:09.050
And then they have a bunch of, like, small village languages
00:18:09.050 --> 00:18:10.120
that even other Chinese people go,
00:18:10.120 --> 00:18:11.600
"I don't know what she's saying."
00:18:15.840 --> 00:18:18.440
And Cantonese they speak in Hong Kong,
00:18:18.440 --> 00:18:19.850
for the most part, and in
00:18:19.850 --> 00:18:22.540
and in mainland China, like around Beijing and Shanghai and those areas,
00:18:22.540 --> 00:18:23.490
they speak Mandarin.
00:18:23.490 --> 00:18:24.870
And now, if you're thinking,
00:18:24.870 --> 00:18:27.180
if you're picturing somebody speaking Chinese in your head,
00:18:27.180 --> 00:18:28.340
and it sounds really funny,
00:18:28.340 --> 00:18:29.800
you're picturing Cantonese.
00:18:30.780 --> 00:18:34.000
because Cantonese is the funnier sounding out of the two languages, isn't it?
00:18:34.000 --> 00:18:35.970
It's the more flamboyant, you know what I mean?
00:18:35.970 --> 00:18:38.200
It's the one with the extended-sounding words, you know.
00:18:38.200 --> 00:18:40.740
[IMITATES CANTONESE]
"Tung maaaahh!"
00:18:41.890 --> 00:18:43.980
Like when I was in Hong Kong I heard people speaking Cantonese,
00:18:43.980 --> 00:18:45.980
and that was the funniest shit I've heard in my life.
00:18:46.360 --> 00:18:47.540
'Cause sometimes they speak,
00:18:47.540 --> 00:18:49.150
and it sounds like they're falling off a cliff, you know?
00:18:49.150 --> 00:18:52.300
[IMITATES CANTONESE]
"Tung Laaaahhhh!"
00:18:56.610 --> 00:18:58.060
And if you're not familiar with their languages,
00:18:58.060 --> 00:19:00.700
we wouldn't even know if somebody wasn't speaking Cantonese properly.
00:19:00.700 --> 00:19:03.090
I wouldn't even know if the guy was stuttering when he's speaking Cantonese,
00:19:03.090 --> 00:19:03.730
you know what I mean?
00:19:03.730 --> 00:19:05.520
He will be stuttering his ass and we wouldn't know.
00:19:05.520 --> 00:19:08.290
[IMITATES STUTTERING CANTONESE]
00:19:09.160 --> 00:19:11.760
[IMITATES STUTTERING CANTONESE]
00:19:13.050 --> 00:19:15.590
[IMITATES STUTTERING CANTONESE]
00:19:16.840 --> 00:19:19.490
[IMITATES STUTTERING CANTONESE]
00:19:20.310 --> 00:19:21.440
You just walk away from that guy,
00:19:21.440 --> 00:19:23.180
"He's speaking his ass off over there. He's..."
00:19:28.140 --> 00:19:30.680
But Cantonese is the more fun sounding language,
00:19:30.680 --> 00:19:31.420
you know what I mean?
00:19:31.420 --> 00:19:33.980
I remember when I was in Hong Kong, I woke up in the morning in the hotel,
00:19:33.980 --> 00:19:35.830
I was yawning and I'm walking to the lobby,
00:19:35.830 --> 00:19:37.200
apparently I say some shit in Chinese.
00:19:37.200 --> 00:19:38.180
I have no clue.
00:19:38.430 --> 00:19:40.180
I'm walking through and all I was like,
00:19:40.180 --> 00:19:41.780
"Oohh, aahh!"
00:19:42.090 --> 00:19:43.210
And the hotel manager ran out,
00:19:43.210 --> 00:19:46.030
"Hey, asshole! You don't swear in the hotel, okay?"
00:19:46.840 --> 00:19:47.990
"You watch your mouth!"
00:19:48.700 --> 00:19:49.790
"Be a man!"
00:20:02.110 --> 00:20:04.490
But it's a very fun sounding language, you know what I mean?
00:20:05.810 --> 00:20:07.490
Now, Mandarin, which they speak in Beijing,
00:20:07.490 --> 00:20:10.340
and I had the chance to go to mainland China last year.
00:20:10.340 --> 00:20:12.320
I learned the difference between the Cantonese and Mandarin,
00:20:12.320 --> 00:20:13.590
and I'll help you with it right now.
00:20:13.590 --> 00:20:14.770
Mandarin, you'll know right away,
00:20:14.770 --> 00:20:16.080
now that you know what Cantonese sounds like.
00:20:16.080 --> 00:20:17.540
You'll know right away if somebody was speaking Mandarin,
00:20:17.540 --> 00:20:18.870
'cause it's way different.
00:20:18.870 --> 00:20:20.930
It sounds way more chilled out, you know what I mean?
00:20:20.930 --> 00:20:21.990
It's a little bit more relaxed.
00:20:21.990 --> 00:20:23.190
It sounds a little bit more aggressive,
00:20:23.190 --> 00:20:25.220
'cause it sounds like they're grinding their teeth when they're speaking.
00:20:25.220 --> 00:20:26.990
Especially in Beijing, when they talk, they have that...
00:20:26.990 --> 00:20:29.010
[IMITATES MANDARIN]
"Hao hao, se, se, sur."
00:20:30.090 --> 00:20:32.810
[IMITATES MANDARIN]
00:20:33.230 --> 00:20:36.080
[IMITATES MANDARIN]
"Sur, you son of a bitch!" Like that.
00:20:41.140 --> 00:20:42.920
Much very different, you know what I mean?
00:20:43.280 --> 00:20:44.550
And in Mandarin, they have...
00:20:44.550 --> 00:20:45.810
You know when you're speaking English,
00:20:45.810 --> 00:20:47.540
we have words that we use to stall,
00:20:47.540 --> 00:20:48.820
'till we get to the next word.
00:20:48.820 --> 00:20:50.270
Little shit words we shove into a sentence,
00:20:50.270 --> 00:20:52.320
words like 'like,' or 'um,' or
00:20:52.320 --> 00:20:54.540
'you know,' 'but uh,'
00:20:54.540 --> 00:20:57.160
'sort of,' 'like, you know,'
00:20:57.480 --> 00:20:59.010
'but you know.'
00:20:59.310 --> 00:21:01.510
Just little crappy words that we shove into sentence,
00:21:01.510 --> 00:21:03.280
while we're thinking up the next word, you know what I mean?
00:21:03.280 --> 00:21:04.220
To stall.
00:21:04.220 --> 00:21:06.730
Well, in Mandarin they have one word that they love to use,
00:21:06.730 --> 00:21:08.670
and it sounds really messed up in English.
00:21:09.020 --> 00:21:10.200
But this... You know what I'm saying.
00:21:10.200 --> 00:21:11.130
This Chinese guy's like,
00:21:11.130 --> 00:21:12.940
"I know! I know! I know the word."
00:21:14.040 --> 00:21:15.570
So you know I'm not making it up, right?
00:21:15.570 --> 00:21:16.330
This is the word.
00:21:16.330 --> 00:21:17.520
All I hear while I'm in Beijing,
00:21:17.520 --> 00:21:19.140
people talking, all I'm hearing is uh...
00:21:19.140 --> 00:21:21.600
[IMITATES MANDARIN]
00:21:21.600 --> 00:21:22.960
[IMITATES MANDARIN]
"Neegah..."
00:21:26.970 --> 00:21:29.870
"Neegah..."
00:21:30.160 --> 00:21:34.460
"Neegah, neegah, neegah..."
00:21:36.270 --> 00:21:37.620
That's their word!
00:21:38.210 --> 00:21:40.010
Now this is a true story.
00:21:40.980 --> 00:21:43.210
I was at KFC in Beijing.
00:21:45.970 --> 00:21:47.560
'Cause I went to China
00:21:47.560 --> 00:21:49.640
to eat Kentucky Fried Chicken, right? So...
00:21:50.200 --> 00:21:52.090
I'm at KFC in Beijing,
00:21:52.090 --> 00:21:53.330
I'm standing in line,
00:21:53.330 --> 00:21:55.050
and standing in line in front of me
00:21:55.050 --> 00:21:56.150
is a black woman.
00:21:56.710 --> 00:21:58.280
I did not put her there.
00:21:59.800 --> 00:22:02.700
She was there. I swear, you can't make this shit up.
00:22:03.580 --> 00:22:06.670
As I'm standing in line, there's this black woman standing in line in front of me.
00:22:07.020 --> 00:22:08.920
The only black woman in China,
00:22:10.780 --> 00:22:12.460
and she found the chicken, that's all I'm saying.
00:22:12.460 --> 00:22:13.720
All right? That's all I'm saying.
00:22:18.110 --> 00:22:20.260
I don't make the stereotypes, I just see them.
00:22:23.280 --> 00:22:25.440
So I'm standing in line, and this black woman is standing in front of me,
00:22:25.440 --> 00:22:26.750
and she's a Nigerian woman.
00:22:26.750 --> 00:22:28.090
I know she's Nigerian,
00:22:28.090 --> 00:22:31.050
'cause she's having a tough time with the menu and she keeps looking at me.
00:22:32.210 --> 00:22:33.960
[IMITATES NIGERIAN ACCENT]
"I don't know what to order."
00:22:35.820 --> 00:22:38.000
I'm like, "Look at the menu!"
Right? So...
00:22:42.020 --> 00:22:44.990
She's like "Eh!"ing and "Oh!"ing and everything's okay then, right? So...
00:22:45.300 --> 00:22:47.280
I said "You should try the popcorn !Xhicken."
00:22:47.730 --> 00:22:48.450
So...
00:22:52.200 --> 00:22:53.700
So I was standing in line, right?
00:22:54.080 --> 00:22:56.630
And this little Chinese kid runs in with his mom,
00:22:56.630 --> 00:22:58.320
and he runs to the front of the counter, right?
00:22:58.430 --> 00:23:00.760
And he's looking at the menu trying to figure out what he wants to eat,
00:23:00.760 --> 00:23:02.280
now his mom's standing over there,
00:23:02.280 --> 00:23:04.050
and the Nigerian woman's standing right here.
00:23:04.320 --> 00:23:06.160
And he's trying to tell his mom what he wants to eat,
00:23:06.160 --> 00:23:07.260
but he's not really sure.
00:23:07.260 --> 00:23:09.020
So all you see happening is uh...
00:23:09.020 --> 00:23:10.950
[IMITATES MANDARIN]
00:23:10.950 --> 00:23:12.480
"Neegah..."
00:23:13.240 --> 00:23:15.550
"Neegah..."
00:23:16.310 --> 00:23:18.620
"Neegah..."
00:23:19.700 --> 00:23:21.260
And the Nigerian woman looks at me,
00:23:21.260 --> 00:23:23.660
like I'm supposed to beat the shit out of this kid, right?
00:23:24.150 --> 00:23:25.810
"Why don't you hit him?"
00:23:26.910 --> 00:23:29.030
I'm like, "Here's a straw. Get him yourself."
00:23:29.820 --> 00:23:30.430
[BLOWGUN SOUND]
00:23:47.180 --> 00:23:48.090
I had a good time in China.
00:23:48.090 --> 00:23:50.380
You know what sucked, though, when I went to China?
00:23:50.380 --> 00:23:51.120
I'm not making this up.
00:23:51.120 --> 00:23:53.570
The airline lost my suitcase
00:23:53.570 --> 00:23:54.840
on the way to China.
00:23:56.360 --> 00:23:57.270
On the way.
00:23:58.170 --> 00:24:00.330
How do you lose shit on the way to somewhere?
00:24:01.130 --> 00:24:03.740
I get to China, I have nothing with me, right?
00:24:04.330 --> 00:24:05.560
'Cause they lost my suitcase.
00:24:05.560 --> 00:24:06.580
So I get to China,
00:24:06.580 --> 00:24:07.890
all I had with me, 'cause I'm an idiot,
00:24:07.890 --> 00:24:09.220
all I had was my hand luggage,
00:24:09.220 --> 00:24:12.290
and in my hand luggage, all I packed was a portable DVD player,
00:24:12.290 --> 00:24:15.610
a Discman, some CDs, some DVDs, some magazines.
00:24:15.610 --> 00:24:16.950
'Cause I figured long trip like that
00:24:16.950 --> 00:24:18.090
I want to be entertained.
00:24:18.090 --> 00:24:22.780
And then my underwear and my socks and my toothbrush and my deodorant--
00:24:23.720 --> 00:24:25.260
My deodorant...
00:24:26.350 --> 00:24:29.480
will be in my suitcase which will meet me in China,
00:24:29.480 --> 00:24:32.340
which never met me in China.
00:24:33.410 --> 00:24:35.790
And I got to be honest with you, as a brown man,
00:24:37.020 --> 00:24:38.730
we need our deodorant, all right?
00:24:39.520 --> 00:24:41.330
Don't give me the look, 'cause you know you need it.
00:24:41.330 --> 00:24:43.690
Don't walk around, "No, no, I'm good, I'm just... I'm good."
00:24:43.690 --> 00:24:44.280
No, no, no.
00:24:44.280 --> 00:24:46.820
You need the fucking deodorant, all right? That's what you need.
00:24:50.840 --> 00:24:52.140
Because the rumors are already...
00:24:52.140 --> 00:24:54.470
people have already said, "Oh, Indian people, they stink!"
00:24:54.700 --> 00:24:56.040
Let me tell you something, Indian people don't stink.
00:24:56.040 --> 00:24:58.040
Let me tell you what happens to my people.
00:25:00.120 --> 00:25:01.870
We expire
00:25:03.220 --> 00:25:04.820
quicker than other people.
00:25:05.760 --> 00:25:07.560
And after 25 hours on a plane,
00:25:07.560 --> 00:25:09.730
I was thoroughly expired.
00:25:11.480 --> 00:25:14.070
I stunk so bad, I walked into the airport in Beijing,
00:25:14.070 --> 00:25:15.160
Chinese people there were going,
00:25:15.160 --> 00:25:16.600
"Oh, God, you stink."
00:25:17.970 --> 00:25:19.170
"You're from India."
00:25:20.760 --> 00:25:21.940
"Well, go to hell!"
00:25:22.980 --> 00:25:24.340
"I'm from Canada."
00:25:26.080 --> 00:25:28.110
"That's how Canadians smell."
00:25:33.340 --> 00:25:35.800
So now, I have a show that night and I have no clothes,
00:25:35.800 --> 00:25:37.220
and I'm wearing sweatpants, sweatshirt,
00:25:37.220 --> 00:25:38.660
baseball hat, running shoes, you know what I mean?
00:25:38.660 --> 00:25:40.420
I'm... I'm dressed for comfort.
00:25:40.420 --> 00:25:41.530
I can't go on stage like that,
00:25:41.530 --> 00:25:43.220
so I have to go to this mall in Beijing
00:25:43.220 --> 00:25:44.430
to go buy some clothes.
00:25:44.780 --> 00:25:46.430
Now, I didn't know this until I got there,
00:25:46.430 --> 00:25:47.990
but apparently in China,
00:25:47.990 --> 00:25:49.900
I'm Shaquile O'Neal.
00:25:56.150 --> 00:25:57.990
I go to the mall, I walk into the store, I'm like,
00:25:57.990 --> 00:26:00.210
"Hey, do you have 10.5 or 11 on that shoes?"
00:26:00.210 --> 00:26:01.140
"Uh, no."
00:26:02.710 --> 00:26:03.930
"How about an eight?"
00:26:08.940 --> 00:26:11.080
"How about I can't negotiate my foot size with you?"
00:26:11.080 --> 00:26:11.880
How about that?
00:26:15.900 --> 00:26:18.070
"Alright, how about a 36 on those pants?"
00:26:18.070 --> 00:26:20.210
"36 is too big!"
00:26:21.670 --> 00:26:22.750
"You're too fat!"
00:26:23.660 --> 00:26:25.470
"Lose some weight, fat boy!"
00:26:26.660 --> 00:26:29.860
"Come back when you're 30, 32 the most."
00:26:30.810 --> 00:26:32.560
I'm like, "How can I not find clothes in China?"
00:26:32.560 --> 00:26:34.290
"Isn't everything made there?"
00:26:45.500 --> 00:26:47.020
All in all, a good trip, though.
00:26:49.170 --> 00:26:51.380
I did so much traveling, my passport expired last summer,
00:26:51.380 --> 00:26:52.970
I had to renew my passport.
00:26:52.970 --> 00:26:55.010
I don't know about it in America, but in Canada,
00:26:55.010 --> 00:26:56.600
when you do passport photos,
00:26:56.600 --> 00:26:58.140
you're not allowed to smile.
00:26:58.470 --> 00:27:00.450
That's the new rule. You're not allowed to smile.
00:27:00.450 --> 00:27:02.740
This is their way of fighting terrorism.
00:27:03.590 --> 00:27:05.300
This is how they're gonna catch the terrorists.
00:27:05.300 --> 00:27:06.510
You can't smile.
00:27:06.760 --> 00:27:08.570
That's the message we're sending you. If you can,
00:27:08.570 --> 00:27:11.010
If you're traveling, you'd better not be happy.
00:27:12.210 --> 00:27:14.020
I didn't know, right? I'm in the mall,
00:27:14.020 --> 00:27:16.680
I walked into one of those places that says "We do passport photos,"
00:27:16.680 --> 00:27:18.530
I walked in, I'm like, "Yo, I need some passport photos."
00:27:18.530 --> 00:27:20.960
The guy goes "No problem, buddy. Sit down."
00:27:21.850 --> 00:27:22.830
Which really pissed me off,
00:27:22.830 --> 00:27:23.640
cause he's a white guy,
00:27:23.640 --> 00:27:25.510
and I don't know why he's talking like that, right? So...
00:27:28.340 --> 00:27:29.940
I think he was mocking me.
00:27:31.750 --> 00:27:33.330
So I sit down.
The guy goes "You ready?"
00:27:33.330 --> 00:27:34.030
I go, "Yeah."
00:27:34.030 --> 00:27:36.110
It's a picture, and I'm a happy guy,
00:27:36.110 --> 00:27:37.310
so I figured, alright.
00:27:37.310 --> 00:27:39.310
He goes, "You ready?" And I smiled, I'm like this.
00:27:41.080 --> 00:27:42.880
The guy goes, "Sir, sir."
00:27:43.640 --> 00:27:45.430
"Your lips need to be touching."
00:27:48.910 --> 00:27:49.890
"Alright."
00:27:57.860 --> 00:28:00.800
"Sir. Sir, you can't smile."
00:28:01.080 --> 00:28:03.440
Not like that, I can't smile. Of course I'm...
00:28:03.440 --> 00:28:04.220
That's their way.
00:28:04.220 --> 00:28:06.140
This is how they really think they're going to find the terrorist.
00:28:06.140 --> 00:28:08.180
It's by making you not smile.
00:28:08.180 --> 00:28:09.530
You wanna find the terrorist?
00:28:09.530 --> 00:28:10.780
Make everybody smile.
00:28:11.140 --> 00:28:12.680
And the people who don't want to smile?
00:28:12.680 --> 00:28:13.980
Question them!
00:28:14.860 --> 00:28:16.510
Whenever you've been watching CNN,
00:28:16.510 --> 00:28:18.540
and they show you the terrorists that they're looking for,
00:28:18.540 --> 00:28:19.550
and those guys are happy?
00:28:19.550 --> 00:28:20.350
Never!
00:28:21.220 --> 00:28:23.830
Sir, you never see like a shot of a terrorist stand around, going,
00:28:27.620 --> 00:28:29.560
You know, there's never the one joker terrorist guy
00:28:29.560 --> 00:28:30.620
with his thumb on the detonator,
00:28:30.620 --> 00:28:31.920
"I'll do it! I'll do it!"
00:28:32.420 --> 00:28:35.550
"I'll... Ah, you flinched, you bastard! I saw you flinched!"
00:28:41.370 --> 00:28:42.720
So I wasn't allowed to smile.
00:28:42.720 --> 00:28:44.320
So now, if it wasn't bad enough
00:28:44.320 --> 00:28:46.280
being a brown man, going to the airport,
00:28:46.280 --> 00:28:48.760
now when I give them my passport, I look pissed off.
00:28:49.970 --> 00:28:51.740
My picture in my passport looks like this.
00:28:55.960 --> 00:28:56.670
They're taking my passport,
00:28:56.670 --> 00:28:58.990
"Now, Mr. Peters, step this way, please."
00:28:59.890 --> 00:29:01.520
"We'd like a few words with you."
00:29:02.480 --> 00:29:04.620
It's hard, man. The security at the airport,
00:29:04.620 --> 00:29:05.860
the Custom, Immigration,
00:29:05.860 --> 00:29:08.750
they really need to learn the difference between a terrorist
00:29:08.750 --> 00:29:09.700
and an Indian.
00:29:10.590 --> 00:29:12.030
We're not the same!
00:29:13.230 --> 00:29:14.080
We're not!
00:29:17.520 --> 00:29:19.180
We're not from the same part of the world,
00:29:19.180 --> 00:29:22.100
we don't speak the same language, we don't eat the same food.
00:29:22.100 --> 00:29:24.450
We don't even hate the same people.
00:29:25.950 --> 00:29:28.090
Terrorists hate Americans.
00:29:28.090 --> 00:29:30.220
Indians hate each other.
00:29:35.220 --> 00:29:37.320
A terrorist will blow up an airport.
00:29:37.580 --> 00:29:40.130
Indians like to work at the airport.
00:29:41.990 --> 00:29:43.980
"That will be counter-productive."
00:29:48.990 --> 00:29:51.870
I know a lot of white people are nervous about flying nowadays,
00:29:51.870 --> 00:29:53.440
I understand to a certain degree,
00:29:53.440 --> 00:29:56.110
but I had one white guy like, "No, man. I don't fly anymore."
00:29:56.690 --> 00:29:58.690
"You never know what shit's gonna go down up there."
00:29:59.540 --> 00:30:02.090
I'm like, "What? Nothing's going down up there, dude."
00:30:02.290 --> 00:30:03.730
"Yeah, well, you never know."
00:30:05.010 --> 00:30:07.590
And I understand, you know what I mean? You're a little panicked a little bit,
00:30:07.590 --> 00:30:09.270
but think about it reasonably, you know what I mean?
00:30:09.270 --> 00:30:10.450
Think about it logically.
00:30:10.450 --> 00:30:12.170
Think about what airline you're getting on.
00:30:12.170 --> 00:30:14.990
Where you're getting on the plane, where you're flying to, you know what I mean?
00:30:14.990 --> 00:30:17.500
That all factors in your whole terrorist theory.
00:30:17.870 --> 00:30:19.760
I was on a JetBlue flight.
00:30:20.920 --> 00:30:22.850
See? JetBlue is funny enough.
00:30:24.680 --> 00:30:28.000
I was on a JetBlue flight from Buffalo, New York to La Guardia.
00:30:28.020 --> 00:30:29.940
It was like a 30-seat plane.
00:30:30.090 --> 00:30:30.740
[WITH INDIAN ACCENT]
Plane.
00:30:32.080 --> 00:30:34.240
Oh my God, my Indian Tourette is acting up.
00:30:35.390 --> 00:30:36.910
"30-seat plane."
00:30:42.970 --> 00:30:44.390
We all go through it.
00:30:46.460 --> 00:30:48.270
So I get on board this little plane.
00:30:48.270 --> 00:30:49.950
It's a 45 minute flight.
00:30:49.950 --> 00:30:51.100
I walked on board,
00:30:51.100 --> 00:30:53.340
this older white lady sees me, grabs her bag, goes
00:30:53.340 --> 00:30:54.750
"Oh, my God!"
00:30:56.330 --> 00:30:57.580
I'm like, "What?"
00:30:58.300 --> 00:30:59.960
"You think I'm a terrorist?"
00:31:00.440 --> 00:31:02.430
"On freaking JetBlue?"
00:31:03.780 --> 00:31:06.280
"What am I? The low self-esteem terrorist?"
00:31:09.410 --> 00:31:11.640
"Yeah, I don't want to kill a lot of us today,"
00:31:12.190 --> 00:31:14.010
"tought I start off with 30."
00:31:14.410 --> 00:31:16.250
"Tomorrow, Southwest."
00:31:21.420 --> 00:31:23.990
Just think about it logically, you know.
00:31:29.040 --> 00:31:31.670
I was on a flight like two weeks after 9-11,
00:31:31.670 --> 00:31:34.410
I sat down beside this white guy, he almost shit his pants.
00:31:35.290 --> 00:31:36.570
I sat down, the guy goes like this.
00:31:36.740 --> 00:31:38.760
[BREATHING NERVOUSLY]
00:31:43.140 --> 00:31:45.270
About half an hour into the flight, I reached for my bag,
00:31:45.270 --> 00:31:47.160
the guy goes, "Oh my God! No!"
00:31:48.860 --> 00:31:51.140
"What? Relax, you jackass."
00:31:52.870 --> 00:31:54.290
"Just getting my Discman."
00:31:56.330 --> 00:31:58.070
"Gotta listen to my instructions."
00:32:10.670 --> 00:32:12.000
Glad Latinos are here, man.
00:32:12.000 --> 00:32:13.490
All six of you.
00:32:14.330 --> 00:32:15.930
You full Latino? You half?
00:32:16.150 --> 00:32:16.850
What are you?
00:32:17.090 --> 00:32:18.300
He does this. Half.
00:32:19.250 --> 00:32:20.100
That's half?
00:32:20.890 --> 00:32:21.970
That's how you cut him.
00:32:23.060 --> 00:32:24.410
What are you? What's your mix?
00:32:24.410 --> 00:32:25.870
Uh, Puerto Rican and black.
00:32:26.160 --> 00:32:27.300
Puerto Rican and black.
00:32:27.720 --> 00:32:29.770
That's not far off. They're from New York, your parents?
00:32:30.790 --> 00:32:31.430
One is.
00:32:31.750 --> 00:32:33.280
One is? Which one?
00:32:33.760 --> 00:32:34.610
Puerto Rican?
00:32:35.490 --> 00:32:36.450
Is he really?
00:32:36.740 --> 00:32:39.020
Nice. a Puerto Rican and black. That's cool, man.
00:32:39.170 --> 00:32:41.510
We don't-- we don't have any Puerto Ricans in Canada.
00:32:41.510 --> 00:32:43.570
We don't have any Mexican. Any Mexican people here?
00:32:44.780 --> 00:32:46.040
You? One guy's like...
00:32:49.200 --> 00:32:50.170
Are you full Mexican?
00:32:50.170 --> 00:32:50.520
Yup.
00:32:50.640 --> 00:32:51.950
Nice. What's your name?
00:32:52.010 --> 00:32:52.370
Jose.
00:32:52.510 --> 00:32:54.060
Jose? Wow, just...
00:33:00.000 --> 00:33:02.020
just in case we didn't believe him, you know?
00:33:08.760 --> 00:33:09.820
I like the Mexicans.
00:33:09.820 --> 00:33:11.600
Well, there's no Mexicans in Canada either, man.
00:33:11.600 --> 00:33:13.750
There's none. There's no Mexicans in Canada.
00:33:13.750 --> 00:33:15.280
You should see how messed up our lawns are.
00:33:15.790 --> 00:33:16.660
Now, uh...
00:33:19.600 --> 00:33:21.180
What? All of a sudden everybody got sensitive.
00:33:21.180 --> 00:33:22.910
"Oh, hey! That's not..."
00:33:25.510 --> 00:33:26.560
"Everybody else, it's fine."
00:33:26.560 --> 00:33:28.640
"But you don't say shit about the lawn."
00:33:33.140 --> 00:33:34.600
It's funny how defensive they got for you.
00:33:34.600 --> 00:33:36.340
You see that, Jose? They got your back.
00:33:39.210 --> 00:33:40.800
No Mexican. I wish we had Mexicans,
00:33:40.800 --> 00:33:42.630
but we got a lot of-- we got-- we got Latinos,
00:33:42.630 --> 00:33:44.760
but we got a lot of South Americans, you know what I mean? All the,
00:33:44.760 --> 00:33:46.670
like, Chileans and all the,
00:33:46.670 --> 00:33:50.350
all the, uh, Uruguay and all the soccer countries. You know what I mean?
00:33:50.350 --> 00:33:51.230
We got all them.
00:33:52.430 --> 00:33:54.450
But, see, I live in LA now.
00:33:54.450 --> 00:33:56.250
And in LA there are a lot of Mexicans,
00:33:56.250 --> 00:33:58.390
and one of my good friends, Jesus,
00:33:58.550 --> 00:33:59.330
"Hay-soos."
00:33:59.930 --> 00:34:02.490
It's just cool to hang around a guy named Jesus, you know what I mean? That's...
00:34:02.940 --> 00:34:04.580
"Who's your friend?"
"The son of God."
00:34:04.580 --> 00:34:05.420
That's uh...
00:34:09.800 --> 00:34:11.480
I like hanging around Jesus, man.
00:34:11.480 --> 00:34:13.909
'Cause Mexican, Latinos in general are very proud people,
00:34:13.909 --> 00:34:14.560
you know what I mean?
00:34:14.719 --> 00:34:17.090
You don't ever mess up anything Spanish around them.
00:34:17.090 --> 00:34:19.710
They get very upset, like you're supposed to know how to say their shit.
00:34:20.500 --> 00:34:22.190
I'm like, "Jesus, I'm gonna go get a burrito, man."
00:34:22.190 --> 00:34:22.909
"Hey!"
00:34:24.060 --> 00:34:26.110
"It's Buh-ree-toh."
00:34:29.639 --> 00:34:32.840
"Holy shit. I'm sorryto, OK?"
00:34:38.820 --> 00:34:41.000
The Latinos in Canada is trying to play that, see?
00:34:41.000 --> 00:34:43.989
The guys in the, the Mexican cats in LA, they all play that--"
00:34:43.989 --> 00:34:46.260
a lot of them play that hardcore cholo thing, you know?
00:34:46.260 --> 00:34:47.500
That whole gangster thing.
00:34:47.500 --> 00:34:49.719
"Hey, ese, I want to talk to you for a minute. Eh, fucker?"
00:34:54.230 --> 00:34:55.590
They play it hard, you know? They--
00:34:55.590 --> 00:34:56.860
They got that intensity about them.
00:34:56.860 --> 00:34:57.940
Even Jesus will approach me,
00:34:57.940 --> 00:35:00.390
"Hey, Russell, let me talk to you for a second, eh?"
00:35:02.020 --> 00:35:02.990
"What? What did I do?"
00:35:02.990 --> 00:35:04.790
"Nothing. I'm just saying hi."
00:35:06.630 --> 00:35:08.920
"Damn, Jesus. You wanna relax a little?"
00:35:11.150 --> 00:35:12.980
The Latinos in Canada, all the South American guys,
00:35:12.980 --> 00:35:15.770
they play that whole smooth Latin lover shit all the time, you know?
00:35:15.770 --> 00:35:17.080
Too much, to the point, like,
00:35:17.080 --> 00:35:19.330
where they're trying to seduce everybody all the time.
00:35:19.330 --> 00:35:20.060
You know what I mean?
00:35:20.440 --> 00:35:21.740
I went to this Spanish club in Toronto.
00:35:21.740 --> 00:35:24.060
This girl goes, "Oh, Russell, I want you to meet Fernando."
00:35:24.060 --> 00:35:25.950
This guy turns around, and goes, "Hola."
00:35:34.420 --> 00:35:35.860
[WITH SMOOTH SPANISH ACCENT]
"I am Fernando."
00:35:36.780 --> 00:35:38.280
I'm like, "You want to put your cock away, Fernando?"
00:35:38.280 --> 00:35:39.840
"I'm just trying to shake your hand. It's uh..."
00:35:41.760 --> 00:35:43.020
"...not that kind of party."
00:35:45.080 --> 00:35:46.400
But I like, I like the Latinos.
00:35:46.400 --> 00:35:47.190
'Cause you know why?
00:35:47.530 --> 00:35:49.420
They could have the most normal accent in the world,
00:35:49.420 --> 00:35:51.400
but the minute they start saying like a South American country,
00:35:51.400 --> 00:35:53.580
it sounds like they just stepped off a boat a second ago.
00:35:53.580 --> 00:35:54.310
You know what I mean?
00:35:54.510 --> 00:35:55.180
"Hey, where you from?"
00:35:55.180 --> 00:35:58.330
"Well, I'm from here, but my family's originally from Ecuador."
00:36:00.070 --> 00:36:01.500
"What the hell happened to you just now?"
00:36:01.900 --> 00:36:03.470
And the more Spanish countries they say,
00:36:03.470 --> 00:36:05.110
the more it sounds like they're going deaf, you know?
00:36:05.250 --> 00:36:08.050
"Well, I'm from Ecuador. This is my friend from Nicaragua."
00:36:08.980 --> 00:36:10.550
"Eastern Guatemala."
00:36:10.550 --> 00:36:11.650
[GIBBERISH]
00:36:12.010 --> 00:36:13.100
"Honduras."
00:36:13.170 --> 00:36:14.780
[GIBBERISH]
00:36:15.170 --> 00:36:16.730
[GIBBERISH]
00:36:17.260 --> 00:36:20.220
"Peru! Peru!"
00:36:32.060 --> 00:36:33.060
I like cultural names.
00:36:33.060 --> 00:36:34.280
Cultural names are really cool, you know.
00:36:34.280 --> 00:36:35.700
I don't have a cultural name.
00:36:35.850 --> 00:36:38.040
And Indian people for some reason have a real tough time with this.
00:36:38.040 --> 00:36:41.030
But my real name is Russell Peters.
00:36:41.610 --> 00:36:43.510
Both my parents are from India,
00:36:43.510 --> 00:36:45.140
and that's the name they gave me.
00:36:45.140 --> 00:36:46.300
Russell Dominic...
00:36:46.360 --> 00:36:48.520
Look at you dumb motherfuckers right there!
00:36:49.330 --> 00:36:51.690
Do you know Indian history at all?
00:36:51.730 --> 00:36:52.540
At all?
00:36:52.540 --> 00:36:55.290
No, you don't. You know why? I can tell you there's no Indian history.
00:36:55.290 --> 00:36:57.090
The British were there for 400 years.
00:36:57.090 --> 00:36:58.760
You don't think they fucked one or two of us?
00:37:07.000 --> 00:37:08.590
If they can steal all our jewelries,
00:37:08.590 --> 00:37:10.360
they can bang one or two of us.
00:37:11.630 --> 00:37:14.070
That's my real name. Both my parents are from India,
00:37:14.070 --> 00:37:16.280
and they named me Russell Dominic Peters.
00:37:16.280 --> 00:37:18.560
Dominic. I got an Italian middle name.
00:37:19.450 --> 00:37:21.990
'Cause my parents are from that Italian part of India.
00:37:24.040 --> 00:37:25.050
[WITH ITALIAN ACCENT]
Calcutta.
00:37:25.050 --> 00:37:26.430
You know, that part there.
00:37:28.450 --> 00:37:29.910
That's it. You have a problem with my name?
00:37:29.910 --> 00:37:31.790
Talk to my parents, Eric and Maureen.
00:37:35.120 --> 00:37:36.670
And my brother Julio.
00:37:42.420 --> 00:37:44.460
If I had an Indian name, I'd wear it proudly.
00:37:44.460 --> 00:37:45.740
You know what I mean? I don't have one.
00:37:45.860 --> 00:37:47.990
If I had it, I would rock it very proudly.
00:37:47.990 --> 00:37:49.890
What's your name, Mr. India over there?
00:37:51.010 --> 00:37:51.360
Anit.
00:37:51.510 --> 00:37:52.390
- Sorry?
- Anit.
00:37:52.550 --> 00:37:53.320
Anit?
00:37:53.540 --> 00:37:55.080
See, that's a neat name.
00:37:55.440 --> 00:37:56.160
That's uh...
00:37:59.900 --> 00:38:00.850
Anit!
00:38:01.860 --> 00:38:02.660
Anit!
00:38:03.520 --> 00:38:04.200
Patel!
00:38:04.290 --> 00:38:05.920
Patel? Nice.
00:38:09.570 --> 00:38:11.520
Jose, that's the equivalent right there.
00:38:11.520 --> 00:38:12.460
That's uh...
00:38:16.140 --> 00:38:17.380
Anit Patel.
00:38:18.030 --> 00:38:20.240
That's my brother, Amessy Patel.
00:38:23.430 --> 00:38:25.500
That's my big brother, Aslob.
00:38:33.950 --> 00:38:35.460
Do you know what your name means?
00:38:36.130 --> 00:38:36.430
No.
00:38:36.490 --> 00:38:37.220
No?
00:38:37.780 --> 00:38:40.200
So sure that this wasn't my name, but has no clue what your name...
00:38:40.210 --> 00:38:41.710
I don't know what your name means either.
00:38:41.710 --> 00:38:42.840
I know what my name means.
00:38:42.840 --> 00:38:44.520
Russell. It sucks. You know what it means?
00:38:44.570 --> 00:38:45.600
To make a noise.
00:38:48.380 --> 00:38:49.070
It's uh...
00:38:49.770 --> 00:38:52.280
It's a shit name, it's a shit joke, what do you want?
00:38:56.360 --> 00:38:57.820
I like the Indian names. I think,
00:38:57.820 --> 00:38:58.910
I think the Indian names are very cool.
00:38:58.910 --> 00:39:01.740
They have deep meanings to them. They have long history behind them.
00:39:01.740 --> 00:39:03.440
What's your name, my little Sikh brother right there?
00:39:03.440 --> 00:39:04.230
What's your name?
00:39:04.830 --> 00:39:05.330
Prabjoat.
00:39:05.460 --> 00:39:05.900
Sorry?
00:39:05.900 --> 00:39:06.540
Prabjoat.
00:39:06.700 --> 00:39:07.390
Prab?
00:39:07.740 --> 00:39:08.460
Jote.
00:39:08.990 --> 00:39:11.090
Not prebjoad, right?
00:39:11.560 --> 00:39:13.990
'Cause that would just be rude, I guess, at that point, wouldn't it?
00:39:14.450 --> 00:39:15.930
That would make his name Prab-fuck,
00:39:15.930 --> 00:39:17.120
That's what his name would have been.
00:39:18.010 --> 00:39:18.940
Prebjoad.
00:39:21.500 --> 00:39:23.680
"Prebjoad! What are you doing? That's..."
00:39:24.840 --> 00:39:26.180
Good solid Indian name, you know?
00:39:26.180 --> 00:39:28.080
I like the Indian names. Do you know what your name means?
00:39:28.390 --> 00:39:30.320
What-- See, he knows what his name means.
00:39:30.730 --> 00:39:32.010
Eh, Anit?
00:39:37.380 --> 00:39:38.720
What does it mean, Prab?
00:39:38.990 --> 00:39:39.730
God's essence.
00:39:40.050 --> 00:39:41.330
God's essence?
00:39:43.280 --> 00:39:44.470
God damn!
00:39:48.810 --> 00:39:50.290
What's your sister's name? Herbal Essence?
00:39:50.290 --> 00:39:51.070
What's uh...
00:39:57.840 --> 00:39:59.550
"You sister smells great."
00:40:00.600 --> 00:40:01.870
"That's just Herbal."
00:40:02.940 --> 00:40:04.210
"Herbal-joad."
00:40:12.430 --> 00:40:14.610
God's essence. That's dope, man.
00:40:15.400 --> 00:40:16.400
I like the Indian names.
00:40:16.400 --> 00:40:18.680
I think a lot of Indian names are really cool, but...
00:40:19.130 --> 00:40:21.140
I think a lot of-- cultural names are cool.
00:40:21.140 --> 00:40:23.460
But if you're gonna be, if you're gonna have a cultural name,
00:40:23.460 --> 00:40:26.280
and you're gonna move from another country to America,
00:40:26.280 --> 00:40:28.860
think about what that name means in English before you move here.
00:40:28.860 --> 00:40:29.500
You know what I mean?
00:40:29.800 --> 00:40:31.670
Think about how it's gonna affect your life.
00:40:32.220 --> 00:40:33.730
'Cause some Indian names are really good.
00:40:33.730 --> 00:40:35.050
Some Indian names are really cool.
00:40:35.050 --> 00:40:37.960
And they mean a lot. But they're really good in India.
00:40:39.150 --> 00:40:40.550
When they come here with those names,
00:40:40.550 --> 00:40:42.220
it just doesn't cross over very well.
00:40:42.920 --> 00:40:43.980
I met an Indian dude,
00:40:43.980 --> 00:40:46.400
and you know this is a real name, cause he was one of your people.
00:40:46.560 --> 00:40:47.310
Um...
00:40:48.410 --> 00:40:50.230
I met an Indian guy, I swear to God,
00:40:50.230 --> 00:40:52.180
his real name was Sukhdeep.
00:40:54.780 --> 00:40:55.850
Sukh Deep.
00:40:58.110 --> 00:40:59.350
Could you imagine living your life
00:40:59.350 --> 00:41:00.690
with a name like Suck Deep?
00:41:02.050 --> 00:41:03.470
Somebody's looking for you one day,
00:41:03.470 --> 00:41:04.480
"Yo, man."
00:41:05.270 --> 00:41:06.330
"You Suckdeep?"
00:41:13.400 --> 00:41:15.980
"Yeah, sometimes, if I have to. I..."
00:41:18.030 --> 00:41:19.950
"...don't really like it, though. I..."
00:41:23.010 --> 00:41:25.450
And obviously it's not pronounced 'suck deep' in my culture,
00:41:25.450 --> 00:41:26.240
you know what I mean?
00:41:26.240 --> 00:41:27.890
But if you were to read it, that's how you read it.
00:41:27.890 --> 00:41:31.210
It's spelled S-U-K-H-D-E-E-P.
00:41:31.760 --> 00:41:33.140
The 'H' doesn't help.
00:41:34.920 --> 00:41:35.920
'Cause now it sounds even worse.
00:41:35.920 --> 00:41:37.770
Suck huh Deep.
00:41:42.460 --> 00:41:44.940
"Come here, Suck-huh-Deep!"
00:41:48.230 --> 00:41:51.210
And I used to think Sukhdeep was the funniest Indian name I've ever heard.
00:41:51.210 --> 00:41:53.020
And then a few months ago, I was in D.C.,
00:41:53.020 --> 00:41:55.390
and I met this Indian dude. And I shit you not,
00:41:55.390 --> 00:41:56.750
the guy's real name
00:41:56.750 --> 00:41:57.960
was Hardik.
00:41:59.580 --> 00:42:01.680
H-A-R-D-I-K.
00:42:02.140 --> 00:42:03.010
Hardik!
00:42:03.730 --> 00:42:05.690
Who the hell name their kid Hard Dick?
00:42:06.250 --> 00:42:07.630
"Hey, come on, Hardik, pull up your pants."
00:42:07.630 --> 00:42:09.200
"Stop that. It's not nice."
00:42:18.650 --> 00:42:19.700
Hard dick.
00:42:20.060 --> 00:42:23.070
How can you not get into a career in porn with a name like Hard Dick?
00:42:23.880 --> 00:42:26.500
What if Hardik and Sukhdeep became best friends?
00:42:32.030 --> 00:42:33.460
You're a Punjabi, you know what I'm saying.
00:42:33.460 --> 00:42:35.050
You guys cross the line with us as well.
00:42:35.050 --> 00:42:36.950
I met an Indian girl named Ramindeep.
00:42:38.490 --> 00:42:39.850
Ram-in-deep!
00:42:40.430 --> 00:42:42.550
"Hey, get in there, Ramindeep."
00:42:47.960 --> 00:42:49.350
Sure, it's not pronounced like that,
00:42:49.350 --> 00:42:51.400
but it sounds funnier when you say Ram-in-deep.
00:42:53.720 --> 00:42:54.720
Just think, you know.
00:42:54.720 --> 00:42:56.420
And I don't know why the Indian guys just can't wrap--
00:42:56.420 --> 00:42:58.270
Indian people can't wrap their head around my name.
00:42:58.270 --> 00:42:59.780
I don't know why it's that difficult.
00:42:59.780 --> 00:43:02.010
It's very simple. Just go read a history book
00:43:02.010 --> 00:43:03.380
and it'll all make sense to you.
00:43:03.470 --> 00:43:05.420
And Indian people are always the worst about it. The worst.
00:43:05.420 --> 00:43:07.450
White people here. "Russell Peters."
"Oh, okay."
00:43:08.190 --> 00:43:09.830
They don't have a problem with it. They don't get it.
00:43:09.830 --> 00:43:11.350
They just, "Oh, I don't care. Yeah."
00:43:11.470 --> 00:43:13.730
"Maybe he's just a dark white guy. I don't know what he is. It's uh..."
00:43:16.680 --> 00:43:18.830
"Maybe somewhere south. I don't know what he is."
00:43:22.280 --> 00:43:24.360
I am-- "Look, you're not Christian, are you?"
00:43:24.900 --> 00:43:25.660
"Yes, I am."
00:43:25.960 --> 00:43:26.400
South?
00:43:26.400 --> 00:43:28.510
No, not from the south. See, I'm not one of them.
00:43:28.630 --> 00:43:30.420
I know what you're thinking. I'm not one of them.
00:43:30.420 --> 00:43:31.710
Those were converts.
00:43:32.120 --> 00:43:33.180
I was mixed.
00:43:33.660 --> 00:43:35.180
We don't know when the mix happened.
00:43:36.070 --> 00:43:36.950
It just happened.
00:43:37.530 --> 00:43:39.160
We're a long line of us.
00:43:40.450 --> 00:43:41.680
Indian people are the worst. 'Cause uh...
00:43:41.680 --> 00:43:43.420
You tell my name to a white guy: "Russell Peters."
00:43:43.420 --> 00:43:44.640
"How're you doing? Nice to meet you."
00:43:44.910 --> 00:43:46.330
Indian people, they'll first want to question you.
00:43:46.330 --> 00:43:48.620
And the Indian people, when they try to get information out of you,
00:43:48.620 --> 00:43:49.740
they're the worst at it.
00:43:50.830 --> 00:43:51.770
They're not very convincing.
00:43:51.770 --> 00:43:53.560
You can always tell when an Indian person's
00:43:53.560 --> 00:43:55.640
trying to convince you to tell them something.
00:43:56.060 --> 00:43:57.370
'Cause when they're trying to convince you,
00:43:57.370 --> 00:43:59.610
they give you this look like they're taking a shit.
00:44:00.800 --> 00:44:01.870
They do. They'll come like this.
00:44:01.870 --> 00:44:03.110
"Hey, Russell."
00:44:12.080 --> 00:44:13.140
"Russell..."
00:44:14.770 --> 00:44:16.250
[STRAINING]
"Russell..."
00:44:21.410 --> 00:44:22.020
It's what they do.
00:44:22.020 --> 00:44:24.170
They're not very convincing people, you know?
00:44:25.440 --> 00:44:26.860
Parents are the worst 'cause they--
00:44:26.860 --> 00:44:28.650
White parents are very direct, you know what I mean?
00:44:28.710 --> 00:44:29.800
You have white parents. Where are you?
00:44:29.800 --> 00:44:31.060
There you are, white guy. Yeah.
00:44:31.750 --> 00:44:32.630
What's your name, buddy?
00:44:32.950 --> 00:44:33.280
Steve.
00:44:33.360 --> 00:44:35.260
Steve. Just in case-- wow, there's--
00:44:35.260 --> 00:44:37.860
Welcome to stereotype night. This is um...
00:44:38.700 --> 00:44:41.250
Steve, Jose, and Anit Patel.
00:44:49.400 --> 00:44:50.300
White parents are very direct.
00:44:50.300 --> 00:44:51.260
They want their kids to something?
00:44:51.260 --> 00:44:53.240
"Hey, Steve, come here and clean up your room."
00:44:53.850 --> 00:44:54.780
They tell you right away.
00:44:55.290 --> 00:44:57.840
Indian parents feel the need to convince their kids to do things.
00:44:58.260 --> 00:45:00.460
And if they don't make the shit face,
00:45:00.460 --> 00:45:02.910
they'll take one word and try and make it sound convincing.
00:45:03.060 --> 00:45:03.580
You know?
00:45:04.070 --> 00:45:04.890
"Russell?"
00:45:05.500 --> 00:45:06.280
"Come."
00:45:09.950 --> 00:45:11.020
"Coome."
00:45:12.900 --> 00:45:14.880
"Cooome."
00:45:19.950 --> 00:45:21.170
That's their convincing sound.
00:45:21.170 --> 00:45:22.560
They'll just take one word and extend it.
00:45:22.560 --> 00:45:23.610
[ELONGATED SOUND]
00:45:25.170 --> 00:45:27.560
I can only imagine an arranged marriage on the wedding night.
00:45:28.270 --> 00:45:30.410
They got to consummate the first day they met.
00:45:31.220 --> 00:45:32.670
"Are we going to have sex?"
00:45:33.790 --> 00:45:34.900
"Seex?"
00:45:36.450 --> 00:45:38.310
[MAKING ELONGATED SOUND]
"Seeeex."
00:45:42.930 --> 00:45:44.110
"Doggy style?"
00:45:45.100 --> 00:45:46.440
"Doogy?"
00:45:46.890 --> 00:45:49.030
"Dooooog."
00:46:00.480 --> 00:46:03.190
Immigrant parents have a tendency to embarrass their kids, don't they?
00:46:04.540 --> 00:46:05.790
Yeah, they do. They do things.
00:46:05.790 --> 00:46:07.430
They just do shit when family comes over.
00:46:07.430 --> 00:46:08.540
That's when they embarrass you.
00:46:09.110 --> 00:46:10.520
You can try and be as hardcore as you want,
00:46:10.520 --> 00:46:13.220
but the minute your family, like relatives come over, it's over.
00:46:13.220 --> 00:46:13.990
They're gonna embarrass you.
00:46:13.990 --> 00:46:15.540
Filipinos, you know what I'm saying.
00:46:16.340 --> 00:46:17.870
You guys always have that shit happen to you.
00:46:17.870 --> 00:46:19.870
"Show Tito Ray how you sing. Show him."
00:46:21.170 --> 00:46:23.440
"Joon, come here and show Tito Ray your songs."
00:46:23.440 --> 00:46:25.580
"Show him. Sing the songs for Tito Ray."
00:46:26.090 --> 00:46:26.970
"Go on. Do it."
00:46:27.300 --> 00:46:29.990
"Do it. Ah, see. He's so good. He's so good."
00:46:32.670 --> 00:46:33.790
Indian parents will do that too.
00:46:33.790 --> 00:46:36.000
I remember when I was like 14, I used to break-dance.
00:46:36.280 --> 00:46:37.030
There was...
00:46:37.110 --> 00:46:38.040
Yeah, I did.
00:46:39.750 --> 00:46:41.030
I was, all the time, just...
00:46:48.810 --> 00:46:50.730
That was me back in the day, man.
00:46:51.890 --> 00:46:53.780
But I remember, like, when I was 14, I'd be out there all day.
00:46:53.780 --> 00:46:56.040
"Come on, we're gonna break. Come on, everybody. We're gonna break."
00:46:56.040 --> 00:46:57.750
"We're gonna break all day, man!"
00:46:58.160 --> 00:46:59.410
And then when my family would come over,
00:46:59.410 --> 00:47:00.700
I didn't want to like, break in front of them.
00:47:00.700 --> 00:47:02.340
My dad would be like, "Come, Russell."
00:47:02.340 --> 00:47:03.850
"Show. Show uncle how you dance."
00:47:04.400 --> 00:47:05.720
"Show uncle how you dance!"
00:47:06.600 --> 00:47:07.630
I'm like, "I don't want to show him how I..."
00:47:07.630 --> 00:47:08.940
"Show him how you dance."
00:47:09.430 --> 00:47:10.900
And you're standing like an asshole.
00:47:18.330 --> 00:47:20.650
And your uncle's like, "Oh, that's very good. Is he retarded?"
00:47:20.650 --> 00:47:22.390
"I can't tell what's happening. It's..."
00:47:29.230 --> 00:47:30.440
Yeah, Russell!
00:47:32.040 --> 00:47:33.690
Just embarrassed you, man.
00:47:38.780 --> 00:47:40.000
That's a lot of energy.
00:47:42.170 --> 00:47:44.550
Anybody here from England? Any British people in the house tonight?
00:47:45.080 --> 00:47:45.950
Oh, look at that.
00:47:46.280 --> 00:47:47.950
Nice, you imported your white meat.
00:47:47.950 --> 00:47:49.270
Nice job, sir.
00:47:51.270 --> 00:47:52.950
Where you from in England, ma'am? Are you from England?
00:47:53.300 --> 00:47:53.860
What part?
00:47:54.390 --> 00:47:55.580
I'm from Bedford.
00:47:55.980 --> 00:47:56.710
[WITH ENGLISH ACCENT]
Bedford.
00:48:01.010 --> 00:48:01.660
Bedford.
00:48:01.660 --> 00:48:03.450
She said it so nicely. "I'm from Bedford."
00:48:05.790 --> 00:48:08.150
I like the English accent sometimes, you know what I mean?"
00:48:08.150 --> 00:48:10.250
But I really think it's the only accent in the world you can't do
00:48:10.250 --> 00:48:12.270
without making a ridiculous face every time you do it.
00:48:12.520 --> 00:48:14.450
"Yes, good evening, I'm from England."
00:48:16.250 --> 00:48:17.180
"Ha!"
00:48:19.150 --> 00:48:20.530
"I'm from England."
00:48:21.280 --> 00:48:22.230
"Ha!"
00:48:26.520 --> 00:48:27.570
Sometimes English people are OK,
00:48:27.570 --> 00:48:28.970
but sometimes they get very arrogant, the English.
00:48:28.970 --> 00:48:29.730
You know what I mean?
00:48:30.000 --> 00:48:31.280
You want to mess with English people?
00:48:31.280 --> 00:48:32.660
Next time you meet somebody from England
00:48:32.850 --> 00:48:34.080
and they tell you where they're from,
00:48:34.080 --> 00:48:35.650
act like you've never heard of it.
00:48:37.650 --> 00:48:39.510
Oh, they get pissed off.
00:48:40.450 --> 00:48:42.070
"Hey, that's an interesting accent. Where are you from?"
00:48:42.070 --> 00:48:44.220
"I'm from England. Ha ha!"
00:48:51.030 --> 00:48:52.040
"I'm sorry. Where?"
00:48:55.130 --> 00:48:55.950
"England."
00:48:56.750 --> 00:48:57.700
"Haah!"
00:49:02.160 --> 00:49:03.150
"I've never heard of it."
00:49:04.020 --> 00:49:05.080
"England?"
00:49:05.880 --> 00:49:06.740
"Ha?"
00:49:10.510 --> 00:49:11.870
"Little island, beside"
00:49:11.870 --> 00:49:14.250
[WHEEZING]
"Europe."
00:49:16.130 --> 00:49:17.210
"Is that near Miami?"
00:49:18.750 --> 00:49:20.420
"England, you bloody fool!"
00:49:21.560 --> 00:49:23.200
"I believe you are speaking our language."
00:49:23.740 --> 00:49:26.080
"I'm speaking English, dude. I don't know what the hell you're speaking right now."
00:49:27.090 --> 00:49:28.690
"You're speaking constipatese or something."
00:49:28.690 --> 00:49:29.780
"I don't know what that is,"
00:49:30.060 --> 00:49:31.550
"but you need fiber, jeeves."
00:49:33.580 --> 00:49:34.840
"England. Ha!"
00:49:36.040 --> 00:49:37.910
It just-- It looks ugly sometimes, you know?
00:49:37.910 --> 00:49:40.410
I think that's why English guys don't get laid a lot, man.
00:49:40.780 --> 00:49:42.300
Women don't want that pounding them, do they?
00:49:42.300 --> 00:49:44.010
"Oh, God, ooh, ahh!"
00:49:44.400 --> 00:49:45.190
"Aah!"
00:49:45.820 --> 00:49:49.090
"What a delightful feeling! Oh my God! Ah!"
00:49:49.440 --> 00:49:51.780
"That is smashing! Oh! Aah!"
00:49:51.920 --> 00:49:54.070
"Ooh, aha! Oh!"
00:49:54.070 --> 00:49:56.580
"Oh my God, I'm arriving! Ah!"
00:50:13.700 --> 00:50:15.350
How long have you been in America for?
00:50:17.900 --> 00:50:18.970
Twelve, thirteen years?
00:50:19.120 --> 00:50:21.550
And you guys met in England, obviously, because he's a brown man.
00:50:23.250 --> 00:50:24.420
'Cause I don't know if you're aware of this now,
00:50:24.420 --> 00:50:28.050
but England has the largest population of Indian people outside of India.
00:50:28.380 --> 00:50:29.510
It's true. They're all there.
00:50:29.510 --> 00:50:31.810
And the British are so pissed off that we're there.
00:50:32.140 --> 00:50:33.840
They're mad 'cause there's so many of us, and...
00:50:33.840 --> 00:50:35.440
as a brown man, when I walk around England,
00:50:35.440 --> 00:50:37.170
I can feel it, hear them under their breath.
00:50:37.170 --> 00:50:39.930
"Go home, you brown bastards!"
00:50:40.680 --> 00:50:41.890
"Ha!"
00:50:46.710 --> 00:50:49.380
And they're mad. They're mad because there's so many Indian people in England.
00:50:49.380 --> 00:50:51.210
And that's not our fault. That's the British people's fault.
00:50:51.210 --> 00:50:52.280
You guys started it.
00:50:53.350 --> 00:50:55.740
You went to India first. We didn't ask you to come over.
00:50:58.150 --> 00:51:00.120
1600. They just showed up.
00:51:01.570 --> 00:51:04.010
They stayed for 400 years.
00:51:04.430 --> 00:51:06.410
1947, they just got up and left.
00:51:06.410 --> 00:51:07.540
We were like, "No, no, no. Wait."
00:51:07.540 --> 00:51:08.820
"We're coming with you."
00:51:16.760 --> 00:51:18.610
"You can't just come here and leave."
00:51:19.360 --> 00:51:20.670
"What the hell are you going to eat?"
00:51:22.850 --> 00:51:23.540
"Coming."
00:51:23.880 --> 00:51:24.850
"Coming?"
00:51:25.490 --> 00:51:26.600
"Coome."
00:51:37.990 --> 00:51:39.870
My white American friends, I uh...
00:51:39.870 --> 00:51:41.450
Steve, your families from America?
00:51:42.110 --> 00:51:43.940
Nice. And you're married to a brown girl, right?
00:51:44.670 --> 00:51:46.140
Nice. How long have you guys been married for?
00:51:46.370 --> 00:51:47.110
Eleven years.
00:51:48.040 --> 00:51:49.270
Eleven years? Nice.
00:51:50.150 --> 00:51:50.690
You know what's funny?
00:51:50.690 --> 00:51:52.110
Nowadays, eleven years is "Wow!"
00:51:52.110 --> 00:51:53.610
Back then, "Eleven? That's it?"
00:51:54.590 --> 00:51:56.050
Now it's like, "Wow, you made it."
00:51:57.300 --> 00:51:58.560
We have three kids.
00:51:58.560 --> 00:52:00.960
Three kids? Nice, little beige babies. Nice.
00:52:02.430 --> 00:52:03.930
Nice, good job, huh?
00:52:04.210 --> 00:52:06.040
Indian women are good. They're sexy, right?
00:52:06.350 --> 00:52:08.050
Spicy. Spicy, though, huh?
00:52:08.910 --> 00:52:09.730
If you're going down on her,
00:52:09.730 --> 00:52:11.610
better take a glass of water, that's all I'm saying. You know what I mean?
00:52:12.430 --> 00:52:13.430
That's all I'm saying.
00:52:15.650 --> 00:52:17.150
"Uh, huh! Huh!"
00:52:18.330 --> 00:52:22.530
[MAKING SOUND OF BURNT TONGUE]
00:52:38.370 --> 00:52:40.000
White people, my white American friends,
00:52:40.000 --> 00:52:41.710
I'm here to tell you something, alright?
00:52:42.030 --> 00:52:42.930
I like you.
00:52:43.900 --> 00:52:46.040
And I'm not just saying that to say it.
00:52:46.040 --> 00:52:47.590
I'm telling you for a reason.
00:52:47.940 --> 00:52:52.090
Because I think white folks have really done some major things in the past 30 years.
00:52:52.230 --> 00:52:54.370
They've really taken some strides.
00:52:54.370 --> 00:52:56.690
And I feel bad for them too because white people--
00:52:57.410 --> 00:53:00.780
we, all the non-white people in the world have white folks convinced
00:53:00.780 --> 00:53:02.210
that they're racist.
00:53:03.330 --> 00:53:06.270
We have them so scared to notice anything of color,
00:53:06.940 --> 00:53:09.690
that they're afraid to describe things accurately now.
00:53:10.030 --> 00:53:11.500
I was working at this comedy club.
00:53:11.500 --> 00:53:13.490
One of my black friends came down to hang out with me,
00:53:13.490 --> 00:53:14.500
and the doorman comes up and goes,
00:53:14.500 --> 00:53:16.150
"Hey, Russell. One of your friends came by."
00:53:16.490 --> 00:53:18.640
"He was a black guy?"
"I don't know."
00:53:23.040 --> 00:53:24.390
"I didn't notice."
00:53:26.270 --> 00:53:27.660
"What do you mean, you didn't notice?"
00:53:28.980 --> 00:53:30.580
"What he look like?"
"He was tall."
00:53:32.030 --> 00:53:33.030
"Curly hair."
00:53:35.110 --> 00:53:36.840
"What was his name?"
"Uh, LeRoy."
00:53:38.370 --> 00:53:40.630
"Was he black?"
"I don't know, uh, I..."
00:53:41.240 --> 00:53:42.770
"He could've been. I mean, maybe, I don't know."
00:53:42.770 --> 00:53:45.030
"If you say he's black, maybe he was. I don't know."
00:53:46.930 --> 00:53:48.740
We've got white people so scared
00:53:48.930 --> 00:53:50.550
to describe things with color,
00:53:50.550 --> 00:53:52.340
we've got them so convinced that they're racist.
00:53:52.340 --> 00:53:54.300
It's awful, because you know, the thing is,
00:53:54.490 --> 00:53:57.090
white people will never be as racist as we are.
00:53:57.990 --> 00:53:59.310
Not in your life.
00:53:59.920 --> 00:54:01.960
White folks can never be that racist.
00:54:02.910 --> 00:54:06.100
Indian people, Asian people, we're all very racist.
00:54:06.840 --> 00:54:08.490
Every group is racist.
00:54:09.200 --> 00:54:10.600
White folks will see a group of Indian people.
00:54:10.600 --> 00:54:11.840
They're like, "Oh, look at all those brown people."
00:54:11.840 --> 00:54:13.210
"They're probably all very happy together."
00:54:14.150 --> 00:54:16.070
Then you get in that group. We're like, "Hey, you're from India?"
00:54:16.070 --> 00:54:17.190
"I'm from India. What part?"
00:54:17.190 --> 00:54:18.890
"Oh, not that part. Go to hell, you bloody bastard!"
00:54:18.890 --> 00:54:19.970
"I don't want to know you."
00:54:24.280 --> 00:54:25.380
Every group does it.
00:54:25.650 --> 00:54:26.770
Asians will do it. Look.
00:54:26.770 --> 00:54:28.380
"Oh, I'm Chinese."
"You're Chinese? Where are you from?"
00:54:28.380 --> 00:54:29.870
"I'm from Kung Chao."
"I'm from Ow Bay."
00:54:29.870 --> 00:54:31.580
"Oh, you go. So stupid. I'll go."
00:54:31.850 --> 00:54:34.480
"Oh, that's so bad. I don't like. Don't talk to me, asshole!"
00:54:39.330 --> 00:54:42.150
Every culture does it. It's so bizarre, man.
00:54:42.400 --> 00:54:43.620
White folks don't have that problem.
00:54:43.620 --> 00:54:44.760
White guy'll see another white guy,
00:54:44.760 --> 00:54:46.580
"Hey, where are you from?"
"I'm from Tennessee. Where you from?"
00:54:46.580 --> 00:54:48.080
"I'm from New York."
"Well, let's have a drink."
00:54:48.080 --> 00:54:49.100
"Alright, let's go. Ha ha!"
00:54:49.240 --> 00:54:50.340
That's it. They don't care. They just...
00:54:50.340 --> 00:54:52.050
"Hey, look. Another white guy."
00:54:53.060 --> 00:54:55.040
White people, it's OK to be proud of yourselves, you know.
00:54:55.040 --> 00:54:57.370
It's OK to feel proud. It's not a bad thing.
00:54:57.370 --> 00:54:59.070
I mean, sometimes you get carried away
00:54:59.070 --> 00:55:01.340
and then you light crosses and put on pointy white hats, but...
00:55:02.790 --> 00:55:04.990
That's-- You know, you should draw the line somewhere before that.
00:55:04.990 --> 00:55:05.940
You know what I mean? You should--
00:55:11.380 --> 00:55:13.310
But, white people, you really have, you know,
00:55:13.440 --> 00:55:16.100
changed things for yourselves in the past 30 years, you know what I mean?
00:55:16.190 --> 00:55:19.070
You've very graciously let immigrants into your country.
00:55:19.160 --> 00:55:20.510
I mean, you know, the country you took.
00:55:20.630 --> 00:55:22.010
You know, but whatever. You know what I mean?
00:55:22.250 --> 00:55:24.550
Sure, sure, you have a bad history, you know what I mean?
00:55:24.550 --> 00:55:26.420
Sure, you stole some land, you know what I mean?
00:55:26.420 --> 00:55:28.470
Big deal. You tried to wipe out a whole race of people.
00:55:28.470 --> 00:55:29.060
No problem.
00:55:29.060 --> 00:55:30.090
Alright. You know what I mean?
00:55:30.370 --> 00:55:32.630
You brought people in from Africa and fucked them over.
00:55:32.630 --> 00:55:34.320
Good deal, you know what I mean? But, you know,
00:55:34.320 --> 00:55:35.970
let's forget about all that.
00:55:38.010 --> 00:55:40.130
We're in the 21st century now.
00:55:40.470 --> 00:55:41.810
It's time to move on.
00:55:42.730 --> 00:55:44.750
I'm glad that you stole this land.
00:55:45.290 --> 00:55:45.900
You know why?
00:55:45.900 --> 00:55:48.160
'Cause Christopher Columbus was looking for my land.
00:55:57.160 --> 00:55:59.370
You know, Christopher Columbus, your Great Discoverer?
00:56:00.170 --> 00:56:02.620
He was looking for India when he found North America.
00:56:02.620 --> 00:56:04.290
That jackass was lost.
00:56:06.110 --> 00:56:08.230
He wasn't even in the right part of the world.
00:56:09.000 --> 00:56:10.710
And he knew this wasn't India.
00:56:10.710 --> 00:56:12.840
Why do you think the native people here were called Indians?
00:56:13.050 --> 00:56:14.920
'Cause he didn't want to look stupid in front of his whole crew.
00:56:14.920 --> 00:56:18.320
He's like, "Fellas, that must be India."
00:56:19.890 --> 00:56:21.880
"And those must be Indians."
00:56:22.590 --> 00:56:24.180
Meanwhile we're standing on the shores of India going,
00:56:24.180 --> 00:56:25.640
"Where the hell is Chris?"
00:56:28.210 --> 00:56:29.600
"The son of a bitch is late."
00:56:40.280 --> 00:56:41.040
But you really have.
00:56:41.040 --> 00:56:42.850
You know, white folks have been very gracious,
00:56:42.850 --> 00:56:45.500
and they've opened up their borders and let the immigrants in,
00:56:45.500 --> 00:56:46.540
and they didn't ask questions.
00:56:46.540 --> 00:56:48.050
They're like, "Alright, come on in, immigrants."
00:56:48.050 --> 00:56:51.510
"Become an American with us and settle down and be an American."
00:56:51.510 --> 00:56:53.510
"It's all good. Don't worry about it."
00:56:54.000 --> 00:56:56.150
We all came in, and white people were very friendly.
00:56:56.150 --> 00:56:58.770
"Nice. come on in. Thanks-- thanks for coming."
00:56:59.630 --> 00:57:01.220
"Sure, sit down. Have a seat."
You know.
00:57:01.930 --> 00:57:03.290
Be an American with us. It's all good.
00:57:03.870 --> 00:57:05.030
And you did it very graciously.
00:57:05.030 --> 00:57:06.750
You never asked questions, and they never said,
00:57:06.750 --> 00:57:08.510
"What do you want here? Here, you get out."
00:57:08.660 --> 00:57:09.470
They never did that. They were just like,
00:57:09.470 --> 00:57:10.790
"Come on in, come on. Sit down."
00:57:10.790 --> 00:57:11.920
"Be one of us."
00:57:12.340 --> 00:57:13.870
And they did it very nicely, you know what I mean?
00:57:13.870 --> 00:57:16.300
And you look at the immigrants, and you say, "Look at all those immigrants,"
00:57:16.300 --> 00:57:17.390
"so happy to be here."
00:57:18.610 --> 00:57:20.250
And you think that the immigrants, 'cause they all smile and say,
00:57:20.250 --> 00:57:21.890
"Hello, Mr. American, how are you?"
00:57:22.870 --> 00:57:23.880
"Good day, sir."
00:57:24.810 --> 00:57:27.580
And then you don't realize that every immigrant that's ever come to this country,
00:57:27.580 --> 00:57:29.750
comes to America and talks shit about you.
00:57:30.500 --> 00:57:32.530
Every immigrant, doesn't matter where they come from.
00:57:32.530 --> 00:57:35.660
They can come from Europe, they can come from Asia, they come from Africa,
00:57:35.660 --> 00:57:37.080
doesn't matter. The immigrants come here
00:57:37.080 --> 00:57:38.780
and they talk shit behind the Americans' backs.
00:57:38.780 --> 00:57:41.650
And I don't like it 'cause I was born in North America,
00:57:41.650 --> 00:57:43.060
so it pisses me off.
00:57:43.440 --> 00:57:45.960
but I'm telling you, they all do, and they all say the same thing.
00:57:45.960 --> 00:57:46.900
It's very irritating.
00:57:46.900 --> 00:57:48.870
You came from England, you probably said it too.
00:57:48.870 --> 00:57:50.800
And you're white, lady. See, even white people do it.
00:57:50.800 --> 00:57:51.370
See what I mean?
00:57:52.940 --> 00:57:55.210
But every immigrant comes here, you know what the first thing they do is say,
00:57:55.210 --> 00:57:56.900
"Oh, Americans have no culture."
00:57:57.710 --> 00:57:58.690
That's what they say. That's the first thing--
00:57:58.690 --> 00:58:01.390
My dad used to say it. "Oh, these bloody Americans have no culture."
00:58:02.020 --> 00:58:04.320
I go, "Dad, they have culture. They have their own thing going on,"
00:58:04.320 --> 00:58:07.050
"which makes it theirs, which makes it part of their culture,"
00:58:07.050 --> 00:58:08.520
"which means, they have culture."
00:58:08.580 --> 00:58:10.670
"No. Show me. What is their culture? What is it? Show me."
00:58:10.670 --> 00:58:12.640
"What? What? Whaaat?"
00:58:13.740 --> 00:58:14.860
"Whaaaat?"
00:58:17.660 --> 00:58:20.230
"What's their culture? Hamburgers and hoddogs are not a culture."
00:58:20.910 --> 00:58:22.340
I'm like, "First of all, hamburgers and what?"
00:58:22.340 --> 00:58:23.180
"Hoddogs."
00:58:27.670 --> 00:58:29.080
"What the hell is 'hoddogs'?"
00:58:30.670 --> 00:58:31.980
"Hoddogs, you know, hoddogs?"
00:58:33.630 --> 00:58:34.630
"You mean, hot dogs?"
00:58:34.630 --> 00:58:37.040
"Don't try to give it a fancy name, now, OK?"
00:58:39.080 --> 00:58:40.330
But, white people, it's not fair.
00:58:40.330 --> 00:58:42.510
White Americans, it's not fair that immigrants come here
00:58:42.510 --> 00:58:43.840
and tell you that you have no culture
00:58:43.840 --> 00:58:45.410
because you do have things that are your culture.
00:58:45.410 --> 00:58:47.010
Black American culture is very distinct.
00:58:47.010 --> 00:58:48.980
You can look at it and go, "That's black American culture."
00:58:48.980 --> 00:58:49.940
They don't need to prove anything.
00:58:49.940 --> 00:58:51.570
But the white folks always have something to prove,
00:58:51.570 --> 00:58:53.000
and I'm here to tell you you do have a culture.
00:58:53.000 --> 00:58:54.810
And it always boils down to music, you know what I mean?
00:58:54.810 --> 00:58:57.520
When it comes down to music, white folks, you have your own thing going on.
00:58:57.520 --> 00:58:59.510
And it's not like we didn't enjoy your culture too.
00:58:59.510 --> 00:59:02.080
We enjoyed it, but you enjoyed it more than we did
00:59:02.080 --> 00:59:03.950
which made it your culture, which made it you.
00:59:04.720 --> 00:59:07.060
You know what I mean? White folks love certain songs
00:59:07.060 --> 00:59:09.870
that we all enjoyed, but white people took it to another level..
00:59:11.210 --> 00:59:15.070
White folks tend to like the songs that are like audience participation, you know?
00:59:15.740 --> 00:59:16.830
You know, then they don't have to do a lot.
00:59:16.830 --> 00:59:18.280
"I just go to follow what that guy's doing?"
00:59:18.280 --> 00:59:19.280
"That's perfect. We'll do that."
00:59:21.150 --> 00:59:23.820
'Cause the jokes are already out there, you know. "White people can't dance."
00:59:23.930 --> 00:59:26.370
That's not true. It's not fair. White people can dance.
00:59:26.370 --> 00:59:28.960
You just choose to do too many dances at the same time.
00:59:29.080 --> 00:59:31.360
That's where the problems kick in, you know what I mean?
00:59:31.560 --> 00:59:33.380
You can't salsa and do the running man.
00:59:33.380 --> 00:59:34.670
It just doesn't look right, alright?
00:59:41.900 --> 00:59:44.460
But white folks generally love the audience participation songs.
00:59:44.460 --> 00:59:45.000
You know what I mean?
00:59:45.000 --> 00:59:45.960
And we enjoyed 'em too.
00:59:45.960 --> 00:59:47.240
Uh, the Macarena.
00:59:48.430 --> 00:59:50.140
I mean, it started off as a Latino thing,
00:59:50.140 --> 00:59:52.510
but then white people got ahold of it, and really ran with it,
00:59:52.510 --> 00:59:53.280
you know what I mean?
00:59:53.700 --> 00:59:55.420
They took it and made it theirs, you know what I mean?
00:59:55.420 --> 00:59:56.730
We all did the Macarena,
00:59:56.730 --> 00:59:58.520
but white people took it to another level. Left foot, right foot.
01:00:01.270 --> 01:00:03.380
We went, "That's a white people's dance."
01:00:03.800 --> 01:00:05.080
"Good on you, whities."
01:00:05.810 --> 01:00:07.160
"Enjoy yourselves."
01:00:07.290 --> 01:00:09.220
'Cause I like to watch them enjoy themselves like that.
01:00:09.220 --> 01:00:10.780
When they hear their music that they like,
01:00:10.780 --> 01:00:12.820
they get this joyous look in their eyes.
01:00:12.820 --> 01:00:14.480
And I love to see people enjoy themselves like that.
01:00:14.650 --> 01:00:16.110
There are certain songs. The Macarena.
01:00:16.110 --> 01:00:18.470
The chicken dance. That's the white people's song, man.
01:00:18.530 --> 01:00:19.470
You know the chicken dance.
01:00:19.470 --> 01:00:23.390
[HUMMING THE CHICKEN DANCE]
01:00:23.770 --> 01:00:24.980
You losers!
01:00:33.350 --> 01:00:34.210
Arriba!
01:00:35.490 --> 01:00:37.580
No, we're gonna stick with the chicken dance for now.
01:00:38.100 --> 01:00:40.360
I like the chicken dance. That's a white people's--
01:00:40.360 --> 01:00:41.970
[HUMMING THE CHICKEN DANCE]
01:00:43.160 --> 01:00:45.550
You ever go to a white wedding and they play the chicken dance?
01:00:45.550 --> 01:00:46.680
The minute they play the chicken dance,
01:00:46.680 --> 01:00:48.380
that's how you know the dance floor's open.
01:00:48.780 --> 01:00:49.770
'Cause white people lose their mind.
01:00:49.770 --> 01:00:51.920
The bridesmaids, "Oh, my God, the chicken dance!"
01:01:00.420 --> 01:01:02.450
And the song's tricky 'cause it gets faster.
01:01:04.370 --> 01:01:06.270
You never know what's gonna happen next, you know?
01:01:08.560 --> 01:01:10.580
And then there's like the song that I believe is like the white--
01:01:10.580 --> 01:01:12.610
the white people's national anthem, you know?
01:01:14.690 --> 01:01:17.650
I was walking down Sunset Boulevard in Los Angeles,
01:01:18.050 --> 01:01:19.950
and there was this nightclub playing this song.
01:01:20.660 --> 01:01:23.080
And they were playing it really loud. You could hear it on the street.
01:01:23.320 --> 01:01:25.450
And white people were walking by and driving by,
01:01:25.450 --> 01:01:27.520
and they stopped dead in their tracks
01:01:28.110 --> 01:01:29.390
to do the YMCA.
01:01:33.930 --> 01:01:36.570
White people lose their mind when they hear the YMCA.
01:01:36.570 --> 01:01:39.860
Stopped their cars in the middle of Sunset Boulevard,
01:01:39.950 --> 01:01:42.910
got out of their car, and didn't do it like, you know, half-assed. They were like,
01:01:43.850 --> 01:01:44.940
They do like this.
01:01:48.490 --> 01:01:50.000
I was like, "Wow, this guy's into it."
01:01:50.000 --> 01:01:51.650
People were honking their horns. "Move it!"
01:01:51.650 --> 01:01:54.660
"Go around, asshole! I'm doing the YMCA over here!"
01:01:55.220 --> 01:01:55.860
He was like,
01:01:58.130 --> 01:01:59.170
And everybody was doing it.
01:01:59.170 --> 01:02:01.240
And I saw how much joy was in their eyes.
01:02:01.240 --> 01:02:03.930
And I felt so good for the white people at that time, you know?
01:02:04.040 --> 01:02:06.090
I saw how much they were enjoying themselves, and I went,
01:02:06.090 --> 01:02:08.150
"Yes, white people. Have fun."
01:02:09.260 --> 01:02:11.500
And I felt good for you, you know what I mean?
01:02:11.500 --> 01:02:13.130
And then I started to feel bad.
01:02:14.120 --> 01:02:15.320
Not for you,
01:02:15.530 --> 01:02:17.960
but for me and my people,
01:02:18.160 --> 01:02:19.760
and other Asian groups.
01:02:20.450 --> 01:02:21.830
Because our alphabet
01:02:25.330 --> 01:02:27.540
is not set up for songs like that.
01:02:30.900 --> 01:02:34.520
There's never gonna be a Chinese version of the YMCA, you know?
01:02:34.960 --> 01:02:36.660
[IMITATING CHINESE]
"This fun to stay on top!"
01:02:43.290 --> 01:02:45.500
Hey, thank you very much, San Francisco. Good night.
01:02:58.520 --> 01:03:01.140
Russell Peters, ladies and gentlemen!
01:03:02.830 --> 01:03:04.660
Russell Peters!
01:03:12.590 --> 01:03:15.580
I think they want some more. Do you want more?
01:03:17.680 --> 01:03:19.380
He can't hear ya!
01:03:22.680 --> 01:03:25.740
Here he is, guys! Russell Peters!
01:03:40.430 --> 01:03:41.140
Alright!
01:03:46.850 --> 01:03:50.400
Now, since this is gonna be for DVD release,
01:03:50.780 --> 01:03:52.270
and for Comedy Central.
01:03:52.270 --> 01:03:54.210
I know this part will be on Comedy Central, but
01:03:54.540 --> 01:03:56.530
this part will definitely be on the DVD.
01:03:56.530 --> 01:03:58.600
And this is part of the last time I'm gonna do this joke,
01:03:58.600 --> 01:04:00.080
'cause I'm retiring it after this.
01:04:00.220 --> 01:04:01.140
And uh...
01:04:01.640 --> 01:04:04.610
No, no, no! You can have it on DVD, you cheap bastards!
01:04:06.060 --> 01:04:07.620
Now, listen, when this DVD comes out,
01:04:07.620 --> 01:04:09.350
I don't want you motherfuckers to go
01:04:09.350 --> 01:04:12.710
and upload it and then start download this shit for free, alright?
01:04:14.440 --> 01:04:17.630
I know how you are. Please, go and buy this.
01:04:17.980 --> 01:04:19.910
This comes out, buy this one.
01:04:22.450 --> 01:04:24.470
Gotta be a way to make it un-uploadable.
01:04:25.490 --> 01:04:28.000
One of you bastards work in IT. I know you do.
01:04:30.410 --> 01:04:32.170
See that? "I do! I do!"
01:04:32.690 --> 01:04:33.830
"That's me!"
01:04:38.000 --> 01:04:38.880
That's right.
01:04:40.090 --> 01:04:40.820
Now,
01:04:43.970 --> 01:04:45.400
I'm gona do this right now for ya.
01:04:47.120 --> 01:04:48.280
Now, white folks.
01:04:48.370 --> 01:04:50.950
I hope you enjoy this show tonight so far.
01:04:51.840 --> 01:04:54.910
Now I've talked about white people already, and I'm...
01:04:54.910 --> 01:04:56.990
but I've gotta talk to you a little bit more. 'Cause um...
01:04:58.710 --> 01:05:01.210
Because I've gotta talk to you about your parenting skills.
01:05:08.700 --> 01:05:10.690
Every time I see it on the news, I got really irritated.
01:05:10.690 --> 01:05:12.370
When I hear them, "You shouldn't beat your children."
01:05:12.730 --> 01:05:15.200
"Don't beat your kids. Talk to them."
01:05:15.770 --> 01:05:16.980
"Give them a time out."
01:05:18.730 --> 01:05:20.840
Beat the motherfuckers! That's what I'm trying to tell you.
01:05:24.190 --> 01:05:26.190
White folks, please beat your children.
01:05:26.270 --> 01:05:28.790
'Cause non-white parents will beat their kids.
01:05:29.070 --> 01:05:30.650
Your dad's a Puerto Rican, your mom's black,
01:05:30.650 --> 01:05:33.000
they must've whupped your ass for no reason sometimes, huh?
01:05:35.320 --> 01:05:36.410
"Hey, son, come here."
01:05:37.840 --> 01:05:38.630
"What's that for?"
01:05:38.850 --> 01:05:40.720
"I know you did some shit when I wasn't here."
01:05:41.920 --> 01:05:43.740
Mexican parents will do, "Mira!"
01:05:50.660 --> 01:05:51.710
They'll beat you, man.
01:05:51.710 --> 01:05:53.970
Indian parents aren't afraid to kill their kids if they have to,
01:05:53.970 --> 01:05:54.750
you know what I mean?
01:05:55.280 --> 01:05:57.500
We're the second largest population in the world.
01:05:57.970 --> 01:05:59.690
Reproduction is not a big deal.
01:06:00.970 --> 01:06:01.970
My dad's theory was,
01:06:01.970 --> 01:06:04.210
"If I get rid of one, I'll just make another one."
01:06:05.130 --> 01:06:07.830
"Then I'll tell the new one what an idiot the last one was."
01:06:11.650 --> 01:06:13.970
You've gotta beat your kids, folks. Please.
01:06:14.090 --> 01:06:15.650
I know a lot of white people don't beat them,
01:06:15.650 --> 01:06:17.720
but I don't understand why you won't beat your kids.
01:06:17.900 --> 01:06:19.610
Please beat them. If you have kids,
01:06:19.800 --> 01:06:22.650
and you haven't beaten them, when you go home tonight,
01:06:25.490 --> 01:06:27.210
shit, when you turn off this DVD,
01:06:27.210 --> 01:06:29.810
I want you to go into your kid's room and
01:06:29.810 --> 01:06:31.340
"Hey, hey, buddy. How you doing?"
01:06:31.770 --> 01:06:33.030
"Hey. Sleeping?"
01:06:33.520 --> 01:06:34.160
"Yeah?"
01:06:35.070 --> 01:06:37.000
"That's good. Have it here?"
01:06:37.300 --> 01:06:38.230
"Uh huh, yeah?"
01:06:38.230 --> 01:06:39.730
Whack! Just one below.
01:06:40.090 --> 01:06:40.930
Whack, you know.
01:06:42.520 --> 01:06:44.140
He's already lying down, he'll sleep it off.
01:06:44.140 --> 01:06:45.200
Don't worry about it, alright?
01:06:47.100 --> 01:06:49.190
You gotta beat 'em, and I'll tell you why.
01:06:49.690 --> 01:06:52.520
Because white kids are now going to school with
01:06:52.520 --> 01:06:56.580
with black kids, and brown kids,
01:06:56.580 --> 01:06:57.510
and Asian kids,
01:06:57.510 --> 01:07:01.030
and they're going to school with multi-cultural kids.
01:07:01.580 --> 01:07:02.940
And all those kids get beaten.
01:07:04.680 --> 01:07:06.520
And they'll all be hanging on the playground,
01:07:06.520 --> 01:07:08.760
having fun with each other, you know what I mean? They'll be--
01:07:09.060 --> 01:07:11.770
they'll be talking about the ass-whupping they got last night.
01:07:13.190 --> 01:07:16.000
Black kid, "My dad beat my ass."
Indian kid, "My dad beat my ass, too."
01:07:16.450 --> 01:07:18.050
Asians, "I got my ass whupped."
01:07:20.590 --> 01:07:22.570
Do you want that white kid to feel left out?
01:07:23.790 --> 01:07:25.960
Beat him, so he's not a social outcast.
01:07:26.450 --> 01:07:27.980
"I got sent to my room."
01:07:28.680 --> 01:07:29.850
"You got a room?"
01:07:37.010 --> 01:07:37.640
Beat them!
01:07:37.640 --> 01:07:39.840
Please. And I'll tell you why you need to beat them. Why else?
01:07:41.090 --> 01:07:43.050
Because when--
01:07:44.150 --> 01:07:45.880
when white kids hang around non-white kids,
01:07:45.880 --> 01:07:47.860
we tend to look at them for advice.
01:07:49.640 --> 01:07:52.960
And it could get us murdered if we listen to their fucked up advice
01:07:53.780 --> 01:07:55.630
on how to deal with our parents.
01:07:56.480 --> 01:07:57.590
I remember when I was 10 years old,
01:07:57.590 --> 01:07:59.370
I hang around this white kid, Ryan.
01:08:01.530 --> 01:08:03.360
Ryan's parents never beat him,
01:08:03.360 --> 01:08:04.890
and they never even yell at him.
01:08:04.890 --> 01:08:06.620
He could do anything he wanted,
01:08:06.620 --> 01:08:08.160
and nothing was gonna happen to him.
01:08:08.620 --> 01:08:10.000
But he was an angry kid.
01:08:10.360 --> 01:08:12.410
I walked into his house after school one day, his mom goes,
01:08:12.410 --> 01:08:14.390
"Ryan, go clean your room."
01:08:15.060 --> 01:08:16.420
"Fuck you, bitch!"
01:08:24.240 --> 01:08:26.670
His mom goes, "What am I gonna do with him?"
01:08:29.460 --> 01:08:30.870
Well, beat his ass!
01:08:34.000 --> 01:08:36.040
I go, "Ryan, you can't talk to your mom like that."
01:08:36.040 --> 01:08:37.890
"Yes I can, she's a fucking idiot!"
01:08:38.930 --> 01:08:40.689
"Don't say that, man. She'll hit you."
01:08:41.290 --> 01:08:43.330
"No she won't. She's not allowed to."
01:08:46.920 --> 01:08:48.310
"What are you talking about, dude?"
01:08:48.630 --> 01:08:49.810
"My parents hit me."
01:08:49.910 --> 01:08:53.250
"Yeah, well, next time they try it, you tell them to fuck off."
01:09:02.740 --> 01:09:03.830
"Are you sure?"
01:09:05.880 --> 01:09:07.960
"Trust me. It works for me."
01:09:09.020 --> 01:09:10.290
So I went home
01:09:11.950 --> 01:09:13.090
for the last time.
01:09:15.740 --> 01:09:16.600
I walked in the house,
01:09:16.600 --> 01:09:18.700
my dad goes, "Russell, come and do the dishes."
01:09:19.470 --> 01:09:20.819
"Fuck you, dad!"
01:09:34.740 --> 01:09:36.390
"What the hell did you just said to me?"
01:09:37.260 --> 01:09:39.010
"Do I look like Ryan's mom?"
01:09:40.870 --> 01:09:43.729
"Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad."
01:09:53.310 --> 01:09:54.740
That was my dad's threat.
01:09:54.920 --> 01:09:56.970
Right before he beat me. Every single time.
01:09:56.970 --> 01:09:57.930
"Russell,"
01:09:58.660 --> 01:10:01.180
"somebody gonna get a hurt real bad."
01:10:02.040 --> 01:10:04.350
I hated that threat. You know why?
01:10:04.350 --> 01:10:05.920
'Cause he always say 'somebody.'
01:10:07.340 --> 01:10:08.840
He'd never tell you it's you.
01:10:09.670 --> 01:10:11.500
I mean, you knew it was you.
01:10:11.840 --> 01:10:13.360
But he gives you this hope.
01:10:16.230 --> 01:10:16.940
"Russell!"
01:10:18.480 --> 01:10:20.770
"Somebody gonna get a hurt real bad."
01:10:22.500 --> 01:10:23.370
"Somebody."
01:10:25.160 --> 01:10:26.430
"I'm not gonna say who."
01:10:27.500 --> 01:10:29.980
"Oh, I think you might know him very well."
01:10:31.580 --> 01:10:34.320
I'm at the back praying, "I hope it's my brother, man. Please."
01:10:34.730 --> 01:10:36.630
"Beat Julio's ass."
01:10:40.020 --> 01:10:42.150
I saw that little brat, Ryan, at school a few days later,
01:10:42.150 --> 01:10:44.510
I was like, "Yo! Your little plan almost got me killed!"
01:10:44.510 --> 01:10:48.190
He goes, "Oh, sorry, dude. I forgot to tell you the other part."
01:10:48.340 --> 01:10:51.640
"If he's still gonna hit you, threaten to phone Child Services."
01:10:54.150 --> 01:10:54.880
"Why?"
01:10:55.440 --> 01:10:58.790
"'Cause if you phone Child Services, they'll come and take your dad away,"
01:10:58.790 --> 01:11:00.960
"and he'll get in trouble. You won't even have to call,"
01:11:00.960 --> 01:11:03.380
"just pretend. It'll scare the shit out of him."
01:11:05.160 --> 01:11:06.280
You're 10 years old,
01:11:06.280 --> 01:11:08.190
you figured out how to scare the shit out of your dad,
01:11:08.470 --> 01:11:10.020
that's like finding kryptonite.
01:11:11.710 --> 01:11:12.820
I thought I'd try it.
01:11:12.820 --> 01:11:14.970
I was about to get my next beating, I stop my dad and go,
01:11:14.970 --> 01:11:16.770
"Don't do it!"
01:11:18.840 --> 01:11:20.820
"I'll phone Child Services."
01:11:24.690 --> 01:11:26.520
You ever had your parents called your bluff?
01:11:27.450 --> 01:11:28.440
"You'll do what?"
01:11:31.690 --> 01:11:34.150
"I'll phone Child Services."
01:11:34.640 --> 01:11:36.220
"Is that right?"
01:11:37.710 --> 01:11:42.340
[SHIVERING SOUND]
01:11:43.520 --> 01:11:45.600
"Well, let me get you the phone, tough guy."
01:11:48.360 --> 01:11:49.420
"What are you doing?"
01:11:49.990 --> 01:11:52.890
"If I phone Child Services, you'll get in trouble."
01:11:52.890 --> 01:11:55.210
"I might get into a little bit of trouble."
01:11:55.970 --> 01:11:59.620
"But I know that it's going to take them 22 minutes to get here."
01:12:01.360 --> 01:12:02.970
"In that time,"
01:12:02.970 --> 01:12:05.660
"somebody gonna get a hurt real bad."
01:12:06.490 --> 01:12:08.320
Thank you very much! Good night.
01:12:08.800 --> 01:12:17.790
[HOUSE MUSIC CONTINUES]