-
-Well, you guys, as you
may have seen in the lead-up
-
to the 50th anniversary,
there have been a lot of
-
"SNL"-related lists
and rankings.
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Here with his ranking of the
best "Weekend Update" anchors
-
of all time is former
"Update" anchor Bill Murray.
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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-Thank you. Thank you, Colin.
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Let's just jump right in.
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In honor of Black History Month,
I want to start by ranking
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the African-American
"Weekend Update" anchors.
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[ Laughter ]
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We'll start with number one.
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And this is by default.
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Michael Che.
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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Now we'll move on to the regular
"Weekend Update anchors.
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-Regular?!
What do you mean regular?
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-These are
in no particular order,
-
so I've listed them
from worst to best.
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First off,
I have to disqualify myself
-
because my entire time here
-
I was on
performance-enhancing drugs.
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It's what we call
an 8H Shaker.
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Quaaludes, cocaine
and nighttime Theraflu.
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[ Clears throat ]
Alright. Number 10.
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He's one of
the all-time greats.
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Mr. Colin...
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Quinn.
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-Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.
-No.
-
Had you for a second.
No. You'll -- Don't worry.
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Don't --
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Numbers 9, 8, and 7.
Okay? Heads up.
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Kevin Nealon. Come on.
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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Dennis Miller.
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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And Seth Meyers.
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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I just wish
we had the time tonight
-
to say something nice
about any of them.
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-We actually do probably
have enough time.
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-Yeah.
We're right here at 6 now, okay?
-
Alright.
Colin, this could be you, huh?
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-Is it?
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-No, it is not.
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The next two are controversial.
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This was tough.
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But I'm gonna put
Tina and Amy...
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just ahead of Tina and Jimmy.
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-Oh.
-Okay?
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-I'm sorry, Jimmy. I'm sorry.
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And congratulations, Tina.
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It was close,
but I checked online,
-
and girl-on-girl is still,
like, very, very popular...
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Okay. Next up,
Cornelius Crane Chase...
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who we've all come to know
as Connie.
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Let's face it.
"Weekend Update"
-
simply would not exist
without him.
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So it would be wrong to have him
listed anywhere but number 4.
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[ Laughter ]
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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Number 3...
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Jane Curtin and Danny Aykroyd!
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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So, true story.
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I was the first to call Jane
an ignorant slut.
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Backstage.
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Danny had the brilliant idea
to say it on camera
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and really, really mean it.
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[ Laughter ]
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Number two is Norm Macdonald.
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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He may have been the best ever,
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but more importantly,
he made me, for one,
-
ask the question of myself...
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could O.J.
possibly have done it?
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[ Laughter ]
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So that brings us to number one.
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Colin...
-
got a good feeling about this.
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Okay. Number one is funny.
Got a great smile.
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Ha!
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And he's currently
sleeping every kind of way
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with the lovely actress
Scarlett Johansson.
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Of course, I'm talking about...
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my brother, Brian Doyle-Murray.
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[ Laughter ]
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-What?!
-Yeah.
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-Wow!
-I'm told...
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I'm told he's a very,
very considerate lover.
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That's it. I couldn't
be happier to be here.
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-Bill Murray, everybody!
-Bill Murray!
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-For "Weekend Update,"
I'm Colin Jost.
-
-I'm Michael Che. Good night!
-Good night.