Jim.Jefferies.Alcoholocaust (Full Video)

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[ Horn honks ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]
[ scattered cheers and
applause ]

[ Rock music plays ]
fuck.

[ Speaking indistinctly ]
[ laughs ]
ladies and gentlemen, this

[ Laughs ]
ladies and gentlemen, this
is your cue to start clapping,

Ladies and gentlemen, this
is your cue to start clapping,
start cheering, start whooping,

Is your cue to start clapping,
start cheering, start whooping,
and welcome to the stage

Start cheering, start whooping,
and welcome to the stage
jim jefferies!

And welcome to the stage
jim jefferies!
[ Cheers and applause ]

Hello.

Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you for coming to my show,
"alcoholocaust."

Thank you for coming to my show,
"alcoholocaust."
[ Laughing ] fucking look at

"Alcoholocaust."
[ Laughing ] fucking look at
this big theater, man.

[ Laughing ] fucking look at
this big theater, man.
I appreciate you coming out.

This big theater, man.
I appreciate you coming out.
People who are watching this at

I appreciate you coming out.
People who are watching this at
home might know that this is a

People who are watching this at
home might know that this is a
fucking monday night, so i

Home might know that this is a
fucking monday night, so i
appreciate how many people have

Fucking monday night, so i
appreciate how many people have
come.

Appreciate how many people have
come.
I realize that in this economy,

Come.
I realize that in this economy,
tickets for things such as

I realize that in this economy,
tickets for things such as
comedy shows aren't that cheap

Tickets for things such as
comedy shows aren't that cheap
for men.

Comedy shows aren't that cheap
for men.
For women, same price they've

For men.
For women, same price they've
always fucking been, aren't

For women, same price they've
always fucking been, aren't
they?

Always fucking been, aren't
they?
Women don't pay for things like

They?
Women don't pay for things like
this.

Women don't pay for things like
this.
There's women in this room have

This.
There's women in this room have
no fucking idea how much the

There's women in this room have
no fucking idea how much the
ticket for this show cost.

No fucking idea how much the
ticket for this show cost.
No fucking idea!

Ticket for this show cost.
No fucking idea!
Your husband came home, said,

No fucking idea!
Your husband came home, said,
"remember, we're seeing

Your husband came home, said,
"remember, we're seeing
jim jefferies," you said, "who?"

"Remember, we're seeing
jim jefferies," you said, "who?"
And now you're fucking here.

Jim jefferies," you said, "who?"
And now you're fucking here.
Women don't pay.

And now you're fucking here.
Women don't pay.
Basically, women are a bunch of

Women don't pay.
Basically, women are a bunch of
cunts.

Basically, women are a bunch of
cunts.
To summarize, women are cunts.

Cunts.
To summarize, women are cunts.
See, and i don't know if women

To summarize, women are cunts.
See, and i don't know if women
even know that drinks cost

See, and i don't know if women
even know that drinks cost
money, you know?

Even know that drinks cost
money, you know?
Ugly chicks know.

Money, you know?
Ugly chicks know.
If you know that drinks cost

Ugly chicks know.
If you know that drinks cost
money, you're a fucking ugly

If you know that drinks cost
money, you're a fucking ugly
bitch, but otherwise, you're a

Money, you're a fucking ugly
bitch, but otherwise, you're a
good-Looking girl.

Bitch, but otherwise, you're a
good-Looking girl.
Good luck to you.

Good-Looking girl.
Good luck to you.
See, my birthday's on

Good luck to you.
See, my birthday's on
valentine's day, so even on my

See, my birthday's on
valentine's day, so even on my
fucking birthday i'm buying some

Valentine's day, so even on my
fucking birthday i'm buying some
bitch dinner.

Fucking birthday i'm buying some
bitch dinner.
If i meet a nice girl and i'm in

Bitch dinner.
If i meet a nice girl and i'm in
a restaurant and the check comes

If i meet a nice girl and i'm in
a restaurant and the check comes
and i put the credit card

A restaurant and the check comes
and i put the credit card
down -- And she's a nice girl --

And i put the credit card
down -- And she's a nice girl --
She'll do the purse grab.

Down -- And she's a nice girl --
She'll do the purse grab.
And if i go, "no, no, no, it's

She'll do the purse grab.
And if i go, "no, no, no, it's
okay," she's very quick to give

And if i go, "no, no, no, it's
okay," she's very quick to give
up on that argument.

Okay," she's very quick to give
up on that argument.
Other arguments, she can keep

Up on that argument.
Other arguments, she can keep
going for fucking years, but

Other arguments, she can keep
going for fucking years, but
that one she's ever so gracious

Going for fucking years, but
that one she's ever so gracious
about.

That one she's ever so gracious
about.
This is why i think i'd like

About.
This is why i think i'd like
to be gay.

This is why i think i'd like
to be gay.
I think gay would be a good move

To be gay.
I think gay would be a good move
for me.

I think gay would be a good move
for me.
I wouldn't enjoy the sex.

For me.
I wouldn't enjoy the sex.
I'd have to get through the sex.

I wouldn't enjoy the sex.
I'd have to get through the sex.
I would have a cock in my mouth,

I'd have to get through the sex.
I would have a cock in my mouth,
with tears streaming down my

I would have a cock in my mouth,
with tears streaming down my
face.

With tears streaming down my
face.
And as the jizz hit the back of

Face.
And as the jizz hit the back of
my throat, i'd be thinking of my

And as the jizz hit the back of
my throat, i'd be thinking of my
happy place, but it'd be

My throat, i'd be thinking of my
happy place, but it'd be
worthwhile just so i could split

Happy place, but it'd be
worthwhile just so i could split
the occasional bill.

Worthwhile just so i could split
the occasional bill.
[ Cheers and applause ]

The occasional bill.
[ Cheers and applause ]
that's why gay guys are happy,

[ Cheers and applause ]
that's why gay guys are happy,
and that's why lesbians are

That's why gay guys are happy,
and that's why lesbians are
fucking miserable.

And that's why lesbians are
fucking miserable.
Lesbians are fucking miserable

Fucking miserable.
Lesbians are fucking miserable
people 'cause they have to hang

Lesbians are fucking miserable
people 'cause they have to hang
out with women all day.

People 'cause they have to hang
out with women all day.
It must be fucking horrible.

Out with women all day.
It must be fucking horrible.
They must just be sitting there

It must be fucking horrible.
They must just be sitting there
at dinner, going, "i'm not gonna

They must just be sitting there
at dinner, going, "i'm not gonna
pay for this bitch.

At dinner, going, "i'm not gonna
pay for this bitch.
I've just worn my best plaid

Pay for this bitch.
I've just worn my best plaid
shirt and shaved my head.

I've just worn my best plaid
shirt and shaved my head.
She better treat me like a

Shirt and shaved my head.
She better treat me like a
princess."

She better treat me like a
princess."
Now, if there's any lesbians in

Princess."
Now, if there's any lesbians in
the room -- And i assume there's

Now, if there's any lesbians in
the room -- And i assume there's
not, because laughter's not your

The room -- And i assume there's
not, because laughter's not your
thing -- But if there is, i'd

Not, because laughter's not your
thing -- But if there is, i'd
like to apologize for that last

Thing -- But if there is, i'd
like to apologize for that last
joke.

Like to apologize for that last
joke.
But if you hate men so much,

Joke.
But if you hate men so much,
stop trying to look like them.

But if you hate men so much,
stop trying to look like them.
You never see a jew dressed as

Stop trying to look like them.
You never see a jew dressed as
a nazi.

You never see a jew dressed as
a nazi.
[ Cheers and applause ]

See, i did that joke in america.
I said lesbians have no sense of
humor and they're not fun or

I said lesbians have no sense of
humor and they're not fun or
whatever.

Humor and they're not fun or
whatever.
And these two lesbians stood up

Whatever.
And these two lesbians stood up
and stormed out of the room as

And these two lesbians stood up
and stormed out of the room as
if to prove my point.

And stormed out of the room as
if to prove my point.
They're just not fun people.

If to prove my point.
They're just not fun people.
Gay guys are fun.

They're just not fun people.
Gay guys are fun.
I don't care how homophobic you

Gay guys are fun.
I don't care how homophobic you
are.

I don't care how homophobic you
are.
If you're holding a dinner party

Are.
If you're holding a dinner party
and a gay guy shows up, you get

If you're holding a dinner party
and a gay guy shows up, you get
a little bit excited, don't you?

And a gay guy shows up, you get
a little bit excited, don't you?
You're like, "oh, fucking a

A little bit excited, don't you?
You're like, "oh, fucking a
gay guy.

You're like, "oh, fucking a
gay guy.
Oh, strap yourself in, love, eh?

Gay guy.
Oh, strap yourself in, love, eh?
We got a live one."

Oh, strap yourself in, love, eh?
We got a live one."
Right?

We got a live one."
Right?
But if you're holding a dinner

Right?
But if you're holding a dinner
party and a lesbian shows up,

But if you're holding a dinner
party and a lesbian shows up,
you're just like, "aw, fuck me.

Party and a lesbian shows up,
you're just like, "aw, fuck me.
All i wanted to do was relax and

You're just like, "aw, fuck me.
All i wanted to do was relax and
play pictionary.

All i wanted to do was relax and
play pictionary.
She's drawing something

Play pictionary.
She's drawing something
political."

She's drawing something
political."
[ Chuckles ]

Political."
[ Chuckles ]
you can't even point lesbians

[ Chuckles ]
you can't even point lesbians
out, and they're so fucking

You can't even point lesbians
out, and they're so fucking
obvious.

Out, and they're so fucking
obvious.
They're so obvi-- But you can't

Obvious.
They're so obvi-- But you can't
point them out.

They're so obvi-- But you can't
point them out.
If you saw, like, fucking --

Point them out.
If you saw, like, fucking --
If i see like two lesbians in

If you saw, like, fucking --
If i see like two lesbians in
the audience and go, "excuse me,

If i see like two lesbians in
the audience and go, "excuse me,
are you lesbians?" They'll be

The audience and go, "excuse me,
are you lesbians?" They'll be
like, "what?

Are you lesbians?" They'll be
like, "what?
What the fuck? What?

Like, "what?
What the fuck? What?
What do you mean by that?"

What the fuck? What?
What do you mean by that?"
Right?

What do you mean by that?"
Right?
But if i see two gay guys in the

Right?
But if i see two gay guys in the
audience and go, "excuse me --

But if i see two gay guys in the
audience and go, "excuse me --
Are you gay guys?" They'll go

Audience and go, "excuse me --
Are you gay guys?" They'll go
[ singsong voice ] "guilty!"

Are you gay guys?" They'll go
[ singsong voice ] "guilty!"
[ Normal voice ] 'cause gay guys

[ Singsong voice ] "guilty!"
[ Normal voice ] 'cause gay guys
fucking love being gay.

[ Normal voice ] 'cause gay guys
fucking love being gay.
The word "gay" comes from

Fucking love being gay.
The word "gay" comes from
"happy."

The word "gay" comes from
"happy."
They like fucking men in the ass

"Happy."
They like fucking men in the ass
so much, they've called it

They like fucking men in the ass
so much, they've called it
"happy."

So much, they've called it
"happy."
I-I have been a heterosexual my

"Happy."
I-I have been a heterosexual my
whole life.

I-I have been a heterosexual my
whole life.
I would not call the experience

Whole life.
I would not call the experience
"happy."

I would not call the experience
"happy."
I would call it a struggle, at

"Happy."
I would call it a struggle, at
best.

I would call it a struggle, at
best.
I'll tell you another reason why

Best.
I'll tell you another reason why
it must be awesome to be a gay

I'll tell you another reason why
it must be awesome to be a gay
guy.

It must be awesome to be a gay
guy.
It must be wonderful to be in a

Guy.
It must be wonderful to be in a
relationship where, if you're

It must be wonderful to be in a
relationship where, if you're
partner's being a dickhead, you

Relationship where, if you're
partner's being a dickhead, you
can punch him in the head.

Partner's being a dickhead, you
can punch him in the head.
Hasn't that got to give your

Can punch him in the head.
Hasn't that got to give your
relationship a whole new

Hasn't that got to give your
relationship a whole new
dimension?

Relationship a whole new
dimension?
I can't tell you the amount of

Dimension?
I can't tell you the amount of
arguments i've had with women

I can't tell you the amount of
arguments i've had with women
that could have been sorted out

Arguments i've had with women
that could have been sorted out
quicker with a punch.

That could have been sorted out
quicker with a punch.
And while we're on the subject

Quicker with a punch.
And while we're on the subject
of domestic violence --

And while we're on the subject
of domestic violence --
It's a horrible thing.

Of domestic violence --
It's a horrible thing.
Of course it is, and...

It's a horrible thing.
Of course it is, and...
now, you ever met a woman who's,

Of course it is, and...
now, you ever met a woman who's,
like, been married like four

Now, you ever met a woman who's,
like, been married like four
times and she's like, "i guess i

Like, been married like four
times and she's like, "i guess i
just choose the wrong type of

Times and she's like, "i guess i
just choose the wrong type of
men"?

Just choose the wrong type of
men"?
"I've been married four times,

Men"?
"I've been married four times,
and all my husbands beat me."

"I've been married four times,
and all my husbands beat me."
And you're like, "all of them?

And all my husbands beat me."
And you're like, "all of them?
All four?

And you're like, "all of them?
All four?
One, two, three, fucking four?

All four?
One, two, three, fucking four?
They all beat you?

One, two, three, fucking four?
They all beat you?
Someone doesn't know when to

They all beat you?
Someone doesn't know when to
shut the fuck up, now, do they?"

Someone doesn't know when to
shut the fuck up, now, do they?"
'Cause i'm a tolerant man.

Shut the fuck up, now, do they?"
'Cause i'm a tolerant man.
I'll give anyone three, but

'Cause i'm a tolerant man.
I'll give anyone three, but
four?

I'll give anyone three, but
four?
You're a fucking button-Pusher.

Four?
You're a fucking button-Pusher.
Come on.

You're a fucking button-Pusher.
Come on.
That's a nice, cheery way to

Come on.
That's a nice, cheery way to
start the show.

That's a nice, cheery way to
start the show.
I do a lot of gigs -- Well, not

Start the show.
I do a lot of gigs -- Well, not
a lot -- I do some gigs out in

I do a lot of gigs -- Well, not
a lot -- I do some gigs out in
iraq and afghanistan and stuff

A lot -- I do some gigs out in
iraq and afghanistan and stuff
like that, which, if i was in an

Iraq and afghanistan and stuff
like that, which, if i was in an
american crowd right now, they'd

Like that, which, if i was in an
american crowd right now, they'd
go, "whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah!"

American crowd right now, they'd
go, "whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
But i'm not, so i can be honest

Go, "whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
But i'm not, so i can be honest
with you.

But i'm not, so i can be honest
with you.
I do it for money.

With you.
I do it for money.
Um, the first time --

I do it for money.
Um, the first time --
Over there it's like i'm king.

Um, the first time --
Over there it's like i'm king.
The first time i go do a gig in

Over there it's like i'm king.
The first time i go do a gig in
iraq, they fly me and my manager

The first time i go do a gig in
iraq, they fly me and my manager
in a passenger plane into

Iraq, they fly me and my manager
in a passenger plane into
kuwait.

In a passenger plane into
kuwait.
Now, it turns out that kuwait is

Kuwait.
Now, it turns out that kuwait is
a regular country that anyone

Now, it turns out that kuwait is
a regular country that anyone
can visit.

A regular country that anyone
can visit.
Then a military truck gets me

Can visit.
Then a military truck gets me
and my manager and drives us

Then a military truck gets me
and my manager and drives us
over the border into iraq and

And my manager and drives us
over the border into iraq and
drops us off.

Over the border into iraq and
drops us off.
And we're standing in the middle

Drops us off.
And we're standing in the middle
of the desert of a war-Torn

And we're standing in the middle
of the desert of a war-Torn
country.

Of the desert of a war-Torn
country.
We can't see anything on the

Country.
We can't see anything on the
horizon.

We can't see anything on the
horizon.
And i turn to my manager and go,

Horizon.
And i turn to my manager and go,
"good booking, fuckface."

And i turn to my manager and go,
"good booking, fuckface."
And then this helicopter comes

"Good booking, fuckface."
And then this helicopter comes
in over the horizon and lands in

And then this helicopter comes
in over the horizon and lands in
front of us, and the blades are

In over the horizon and lands in
front of us, and the blades are
still going.

Front of us, and the blades are
still going.
And this soldier runs off and

Still going.
And this soldier runs off and
goes, "excuse me!

And this soldier runs off and
goes, "excuse me!
Are you jim jefferies?"

Goes, "excuse me!
Are you jim jefferies?"
And i went, "what other white

Are you jim jefferies?"
And i went, "what other white
cunt were you looking for in the

And i went, "what other white
cunt were you looking for in the
desert at this exact location?"

Cunt were you looking for in the
desert at this exact location?"
Then he hands me my bulletproof

Desert at this exact location?"
Then he hands me my bulletproof
vest and my helmet.

Then he hands me my bulletproof
vest and my helmet.
He's obviously wearing his

Vest and my helmet.
He's obviously wearing his
bulletproof vest and his helmet.

He's obviously wearing his
bulletproof vest and his helmet.
His are camouflaged.

Bulletproof vest and his helmet.
His are camouflaged.
Mine?

His are camouflaged.
Mine?
Fucking blue.

Mine?
Fucking blue.
And i said, "why do i have a

Fucking blue.
And i said, "why do i have a
blue vest and helmet?"

And i said, "why do i have a
blue vest and helmet?"
He said, "that's so the enemy

Blue vest and helmet?"
He said, "that's so the enemy
know you're a civilian."

He said, "that's so the enemy
know you're a civilian."
I'm like, "does the enemy give

Know you're a civilian."
I'm like, "does the enemy give
a shit?

I'm like, "does the enemy give
a shit?
That's my main concern, because

A shit?
That's my main concern, because
i've never been a sniper."

That's my main concern, because
i've never been a sniper."
But every time i got off the

I've never been a sniper."
But every time i got off the
helicopter, i was surrounded by

But every time i got off the
helicopter, i was surrounded by
soldiers protecting me.

Helicopter, i was surrounded by
soldiers protecting me.
If i was a sniper, i'd be like,

Soldiers protecting me.
If i was a sniper, i'd be like,
"the cunt in blue looks

If i was a sniper, i'd be like,
"the cunt in blue looks
important."

"The cunt in blue looks
important."
Right?

Important."
Right?
So...we got in this helicopter.

Right?
So...we got in this helicopter.
[ Laughs ]

So...we got in this helicopter.
[ Laughs ]
and we're sitting in this

[ Laughs ]
and we're sitting in this
chopper.

And we're sitting in this
chopper.
That's what we call them in the

Chopper.
That's what we call them in the
biz -- "Chopper."

That's what we call them in the
biz -- "Chopper."
And i'm sitting here.

Biz -- "Chopper."
And i'm sitting here.
And i got two soldiers sitting

And i'm sitting here.
And i got two soldiers sitting
next to me there, my manager,

And i got two soldiers sitting
next to me there, my manager,
brett, sitting there.

Next to me there, my manager,
brett, sitting there.
He's got two soldiers sitting

Brett, sitting there.
He's got two soldiers sitting
next to him.

He's got two soldiers sitting
next to him.
There's two soldiers in the

Next to him.
There's two soldiers in the
cockpit.

There's two soldiers in the
cockpit.
There's a great big door open

Cockpit.
There's a great big door open
next to me there, and there's

There's a great big door open
next to me there, and there's
another door open there, and at

Next to me there, and there's
another door open there, and at
that door is a soldier with a

Another door open there, and at
that door is a soldier with a
great big gun on a hinge, with

That door is a soldier with a
great big gun on a hinge, with
bullets coming out of it like

Great big gun on a hinge, with
bullets coming out of it like
that thing that chewbacca wears.

Bullets coming out of it like
that thing that chewbacca wears.
And we take off, and off we go

That thing that chewbacca wears.
And we take off, and off we go
to baghdad.

And we take off, and off we go
to baghdad.
And as we hit the border of the

To baghdad.
And as we hit the border of the
city, i hear a great big "bang!"

And as we hit the border of the
city, i hear a great big "bang!"
And these two small flares shoot

City, i hear a great big "bang!"
And these two small flares shoot
out from the small wings of the

And these two small flares shoot
out from the small wings of the
helicopter, followed by a trail

Out from the small wings of the
helicopter, followed by a trail
of smoke.

Helicopter, followed by a trail
of smoke.
And the helicopter goes,

Of smoke.
And the helicopter goes,
"fwwhhh! Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh!"

And the helicopter goes,
"fwwhhh! Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh!"
Now, the reason they do this is,

"Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh!"
Now, the reason they do this is,
when they get over the danger

Now, the reason they do this is,
when they get over the danger
area, if there's a heat-Seeking

When they get over the danger
area, if there's a heat-Seeking
missile, it'll be distracted by

Area, if there's a heat-Seeking
missile, it'll be distracted by
the flares, and then the

Missile, it'll be distracted by
the flares, and then the
helicopter will fly out of

The flares, and then the
helicopter will fly out of
range -- Very clever.

Helicopter will fly out of
range -- Very clever.
Now...

Range -- Very clever.
Now...
they never told me this was

Now...
they never told me this was
happening.

They never told me this was
happening.
As far as i'm concerned, the

Happening.
As far as i'm concerned, the
wings have just exploded and

As far as i'm concerned, the
wings have just exploded and
we're now plummeting to our

Wings have just exploded and
we're now plummeting to our
death, but it's nice to know how

We're now plummeting to our
death, but it's nice to know how
you react under pressure,

Death, but it's nice to know how
you react under pressure,
because i reacted thusly -- By

You react under pressure,
because i reacted thusly -- By
vomiting over my lovely blue

Because i reacted thusly -- By
vomiting over my lovely blue
vest, ironically making it more

Vomiting over my lovely blue
vest, ironically making it more
camouflage than it was before,

Vest, ironically making it more
camouflage than it was before,
and yelling out, "we're going

Camouflage than it was before,
and yelling out, "we're going
down!"

And yelling out, "we're going
down!"
The two pilots, the sergeants,

Down!"
The two pilots, the sergeants,
the gunner -- They all start

The two pilots, the sergeants,
the gunner -- They all start
pissing themselves, laughing.

The gunner -- They all start
pissing themselves, laughing.
They're reaching through.

Pissing themselves, laughing.
They're reaching through.
They're high-Fiving each other.

They're reaching through.
They're high-Fiving each other.
They're tearing it down.

They're high-Fiving each other.
They're tearing it down.
They've been waiting for this

They're tearing it down.
They've been waiting for this
joke for months.

They've been waiting for this
joke for months.
I'm cleaning vomit off myself,

Joke for months.
I'm cleaning vomit off myself,
going, "oh, you, that was a good

I'm cleaning vomit off myself,
going, "oh, you, that was a good
one.

Going, "oh, you, that was a good
one.
Thank you for defending my

One.
Thank you for defending my
freedom."

Thank you for defending my
freedom."
Right?

Freedom."
Right?
So, i sit back down, covered in

Right?
So, i sit back down, covered in
vomit in the helicopter --

So, i sit back down, covered in
vomit in the helicopter --
"Ugh."

Vomit in the helicopter --
"Ugh."
And so i'm trying to look out

"Ugh."
And so i'm trying to look out
the door to try to un-Quease

And so i'm trying to look out
the door to try to un-Quease
myself.

The door to try to un-Quease
myself.
And i'm looking out over the

Myself.
And i'm looking out over the
ground, over baghdad -- By the

And i'm looking out over the
ground, over baghdad -- By the
way, baghdad, beautiful city,

Ground, over baghdad -- By the
way, baghdad, beautiful city,
untouched -- And i look out on

Way, baghdad, beautiful city,
untouched -- And i look out on
the ground, and i see a little

Untouched -- And i look out on
the ground, and i see a little
arab fellow with a handgun

The ground, and i see a little
arab fellow with a handgun
shooting up at the helicopter,

Arab fellow with a handgun
shooting up at the helicopter,
just -- [ Imitates gunshots ]

Shooting up at the helicopter,
just -- [ Imitates gunshots ]
once again, i freak out.

Just -- [ Imitates gunshots ]
once again, i freak out.
"We're being fired on!"

Once again, i freak out.
"We're being fired on!"
The gunner now is laughing so

"We're being fired on!"
The gunner now is laughing so
fucking hard.

The gunner now is laughing so
fucking hard.
He's laughing even harder than

Fucking hard.
He's laughing even harder than
he was before.

He's laughing even harder than
he was before.
He's laughing so hard, he's

He was before.
He's laughing so hard, he's
keeled over.

He's laughing so hard, he's
keeled over.
The gun's just dangling out in

Keeled over.
The gun's just dangling out in
the hinge.

The gun's just dangling out in
the hinge.
And i'm like, "what's your

The hinge.
And i'm like, "what's your
fucking problem, man?"

And i'm like, "what's your
fucking problem, man?"
And he's like, "jim, you're

Fucking problem, man?"
And he's like, "jim, you're
gonna have to calm down, mate.

And he's like, "jim, you're
gonna have to calm down, mate.
We're in a military helicopter

Gonna have to calm down, mate.
We're in a military helicopter
with a bulletproof bottom.

We're in a military helicopter
with a bulletproof bottom.
That's a handgun.

With a bulletproof bottom.
That's a handgun.
We're so high up, the bullets

That's a handgun.
We're so high up, the bullets
can't even reach us.

We're so high up, the bullets
can't even reach us.
They just sort of go --

Can't even reach us.
They just sort of go --
[ Whistles ]"

They just sort of go --
[ Whistles ]"
and then i jokingly said,

[ Whistles ]"
and then i jokingly said,
"[ chuckles ] i bet our bullets

And then i jokingly said,
"[ chuckles ] i bet our bullets
can reach him."

"[ Chuckles ] i bet our bullets
can reach him."
And he went, "oh, yeah."

Can reach him."
And he went, "oh, yeah."
[ Imitates gunfire ]

And the little cunt died.
And -- And i was like,
"[ sighs ]

And -- And i was like,
"[ sighs ]
i was just saying, mate.

"[ Sighs ]
i was just saying, mate.
I was just saying.

I was just saying, mate.
I was just saying.
I didn't want to ruin anyone's

I was just saying.
I didn't want to ruin anyone's
day."

I didn't want to ruin anyone's
day."
[ Laughs ]

Day."
[ Laughs ]
isn't that a fun story about a

[ Laughs ]
isn't that a fun story about a
man dying?

Isn't that a fun story about a
man dying?
It's funny, though.

Man dying?
It's funny, though.
My limited time in a war zone,

It's funny, though.
My limited time in a war zone,
i really, you know, didn't see

My limited time in a war zone,
i really, you know, didn't see
what all the bad stuff was.

I really, you know, didn't see
what all the bad stuff was.
They were very nice to me.

What all the bad stuff was.
They were very nice to me.
But this was kind of crazy to

They were very nice to me.
But this was kind of crazy to
me 'cause i don't know,

But this was kind of crazy to
me 'cause i don't know,
historically, how we're gonna

Me 'cause i don't know,
historically, how we're gonna
talk about it.

Historically, how we're gonna
talk about it.
See, like, my grandfather --

Talk about it.
See, like, my grandfather --
He fought during the second

See, like, my grandfather --
He fought during the second
world war, for the japs, weirdly

He fought during the second
world war, for the japs, weirdly
enough.

World war, for the japs, weirdly
enough.
No, no, for the australians.

Enough.
No, no, for the australians.
He killed a lot of japanese --

No, no, for the australians.
He killed a lot of japanese --
Hated them till he died.

He killed a lot of japanese --
Hated them till he died.
"Love the food, hate the

Hated them till he died.
"Love the food, hate the
people," he used to say.

"Love the food, hate the
people," he used to say.
What a complex man.

People," he used to say.
What a complex man.
And...

What a complex man.
And...
i used to love listening -- When

And...
i used to love listening -- When
i was a kid, listening to him

I used to love listening -- When
i was a kid, listening to him
tell stories about killing

I was a kid, listening to him
tell stories about killing
nazis.

Tell stories about killing
nazis.
There was always something

Nazis.
There was always something
exciting about it, you know?

There was always something
exciting about it, you know?
I just don't know what i would

Exciting about it, you know?
I just don't know what i would
tell my grandson about what's

I just don't know what i would
tell my grandson about what's
happening in history now.

Tell my grandson about what's
happening in history now.
I imagine i'll be 80 years old,

Happening in history now.
I imagine i'll be 80 years old,
i'll be sitting in my chair, and

I imagine i'll be 80 years old,
i'll be sitting in my chair, and
my grandson will be on the

I'll be sitting in my chair, and
my grandson will be on the
floor, looking up at me

My grandson will be on the
floor, looking up at me
adoringly.

Floor, looking up at me
adoringly.
And i'll go, "now, there used to

Adoringly.
And i'll go, "now, there used to
be these people called arabs.

And i'll go, "now, there used to
be these people called arabs.
And they lived in the

Be these people called arabs.
And they lived in the
middle east, or, as you call it,

And they lived in the
middle east, or, as you call it,
the radiation zone.

Middle east, or, as you call it,
the radiation zone.
In 2020,

The radiation zone.
In 2020,
president macaulay culkin got

In 2020,
president macaulay culkin got
really upset with the arabs, and

President macaulay culkin got
really upset with the arabs, and
he nuked them all.

Really upset with the arabs, and
he nuked them all.
But what macaulay culkin and the

He nuked them all.
But what macaulay culkin and the
rest of the americans hadn't

But what macaulay culkin and the
rest of the americans hadn't
realized was that china had

Rest of the americans hadn't
realized was that china had
slowly but surely become the

Realized was that china had
slowly but surely become the
superpower of the world.

Slowly but surely become the
superpower of the world.
So, while the americans were

Superpower of the world.
So, while the americans were
nuking the arabs, the chinese

So, while the americans were
nuking the arabs, the chinese
nuked the americans, and that's

Nuking the arabs, the chinese
nuked the americans, and that's
why we have no americans and no

Nuked the americans, and that's
why we have no americans and no
arabs."

Why we have no americans and no
arabs."
And then my grandson will look

Arabs."
And then my grandson will look
up at me and go...

And then my grandson will look
up at me and go...
"mashaba awa."

[ Applause ]
[ laughs ]
you know what i like about that

[ Laughs ]
you know what i like about that
joke?

You know what i like about that
joke?
It has the feel of racism, but

Joke?
It has the feel of racism, but
you can't pick the exact moment.

It has the feel of racism, but
you can't pick the exact moment.
Like, you know it is.

You can't pick the exact moment.
Like, you know it is.
It's definitely racist.

Like, you know it is.
It's definitely racist.
So, let's change the subject

It's definitely racist.
So, let's change the subject
quickly.

So, let's change the subject
quickly.
How do blind people wipe their

Quickly.
How do blind people wipe their
asses?

How do blind people wipe their
asses?
I know you're thinking, "the

Asses?
I know you're thinking, "the
same as us," but you're not

I know you're thinking, "the
same as us," but you're not
thinking outside the box, 'cause

Same as us," but you're not
thinking outside the box, 'cause
wiping your ass is a very visual

Thinking outside the box, 'cause
wiping your ass is a very visual
activity.

Wiping your ass is a very visual
activity.
No one's ever just leant up,

Activity.
No one's ever just leant up,
wiped, then dropped into the

No one's ever just leant up,
wiped, then dropped into the
bowl.

Wiped, then dropped into the
bowl.
You wipe. You check.

Bowl.
You wipe. You check.
"There's a lot of poo there.

You wipe. You check.
"There's a lot of poo there.
I'm gonna wipe again.

"There's a lot of poo there.
I'm gonna wipe again.
There's still a lot of poo.

I'm gonna wipe again.
There's still a lot of poo.
It feels dry, but there's

There's still a lot of poo.
It feels dry, but there's
still poo.

It feels dry, but there's
still poo.
I think i left one up there."

Still poo.
I think i left one up there."
I bet that's where the dog comes

I think i left one up there."
I bet that's where the dog comes
in handy.

I bet that's where the dog comes
in handy.
[ Audience groans ]

In handy.
[ Audience groans ]
ohh!

[ Audience groans ]
ohh!
No!

Ohh!
No!
No, don't --

No!
No, don't --
I'm not saying the dog licks

No, don't --
I'm not saying the dog licks
the blind person's ass!

I'm not saying the dog licks
the blind person's ass!
I'm saying these are very

The blind person's ass!
I'm saying these are very
intelligent dogs.

I'm saying these are very
intelligent dogs.
They would have worked out some

Intelligent dogs.
They would have worked out some
form of barking system.

They would have worked out some
form of barking system.
So, the blind guy would have the

Form of barking system.
So, the blind guy would have the
dog, like, sit in front of him.

So, the blind guy would have the
dog, like, sit in front of him.
"Woof woof woof."

Dog, like, sit in front of him.
"Woof woof woof."
"Woof woof."

"Woof woof woof."
"Woof woof."
"Woof."

And they'd probably work out
some special morse code-Y bark
for when there's blood in the

Some special morse code-Y bark
for when there's blood in the
poo.

For when there's blood in the
poo.
No, 'cause they've already been

Poo.
No, 'cause they've already been
through a rough time.

No, 'cause they've already been
through a rough time.
They're blind.

Through a rough time.
They're blind.
No need for ass cancer.

They're blind.
No need for ass cancer.
Not that blood always means

No need for ass cancer.
Not that blood always means
ass cancer.

Not that blood always means
ass cancer.
I suffer from hemorrhoids, have

Ass cancer.
I suffer from hemorrhoids, have
done since i was 22 years old.

I suffer from hemorrhoids, have
done since i was 22 years old.
And it's a very young age to get

Done since i was 22 years old.
And it's a very young age to get
hemorrhoids, but there's a lot

And it's a very young age to get
hemorrhoids, but there's a lot
of blood involved.

Hemorrhoids, but there's a lot
of blood involved.
If you've never had one, there's

Of blood involved.
If you've never had one, there's
a lot of blood involved in a bad

If you've never had one, there's
a lot of blood involved in a bad
hemorrhoid.

A lot of blood involved in a bad
hemorrhoid.
I've had toilet bowls that look

Hemorrhoid.
I've had toilet bowls that look
like abortions.

I've had toilet bowls that look
like abortions.
Now, i'm not -- It's not good.

Like abortions.
Now, i'm not -- It's not good.
And the first time, when you're

Now, i'm not -- It's not good.
And the first time, when you're
22 and you get one, your brain

And the first time, when you're
22 and you get one, your brain
goes to ass cancer.

22 and you get one, your brain
goes to ass cancer.
You're like, "oh, i got ass

Goes to ass cancer.
You're like, "oh, i got ass
cancer," because no one ever

You're like, "oh, i got ass
cancer," because no one ever
told you about hemorrhoids when

Cancer," because no one ever
told you about hemorrhoids when
you're young.

Told you about hemorrhoids when
you're young.
Your dad never sits you down and

You're young.
Your dad never sits you down and
goes, "when you get a bit older,

Your dad never sits you down and
goes, "when you get a bit older,
you'll be pushing a poo a little

Goes, "when you get a bit older,
you'll be pushing a poo a little
bit hard, and a small portion of

You'll be pushing a poo a little
bit hard, and a small portion of
your asshole will fall out.

Bit hard, and a small portion of
your asshole will fall out.
Now, it's nothing to be alarmed

Your asshole will fall out.
Now, it's nothing to be alarmed
about.

Now, it's nothing to be alarmed
about.
It's just part of becoming a

About.
It's just part of becoming a
[chuckling] man."

It's just part of becoming a
[chuckling] man."
So, the first time i got a

[Chuckling] man."
So, the first time i got a
hemorrhoid, i didn't tell anyone

So, the first time i got a
hemorrhoid, i didn't tell anyone
'cause i thought i was dying,

Hemorrhoid, i didn't tell anyone
'cause i thought i was dying,
obviously.

'Cause i thought i was dying,
obviously.
And i go to see my doctor, the

Obviously.
And i go to see my doctor, the
same doctor that i've had my

And i go to see my doctor, the
same doctor that i've had my
whole life, and he makes me --

Same doctor that i've had my
whole life, and he makes me --
I go, "i got ass cancer."

Whole life, and he makes me --
I go, "i got ass cancer."
And he makes me bend over a

I go, "i got ass cancer."
And he makes me bend over a
chair.

And he makes me bend over a
chair.
And then he gets a rubber glove

Chair.
And then he gets a rubber glove
on, and he sort of prods around

And then he gets a rubber glove
on, and he sort of prods around
my ass a little bit.

On, and he sort of prods around
my ass a little bit.
And he goes, "oh, you've just

My ass a little bit.
And he goes, "oh, you've just
got hemorrhoids there."

And he goes, "oh, you've just
got hemorrhoids there."
And i said, "i thought that only

Got hemorrhoids there."
And i said, "i thought that only
happens to old people and

And i said, "i thought that only
happens to old people and
pregnant women."

Happens to old people and
pregnant women."
And he went, "and you."

So, i live in america now, and
i --
[ Cheers and applause ]

I --
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ chuckles ]

[ Cheers and applause ]
[ chuckles ]
people get so entertained by

[ Chuckles ]
people get so entertained by
that, but where else am i gonna

People get so entertained by
that, but where else am i gonna
put them?

That, but where else am i gonna
put them?
We'll put that away for

Put them?
We'll put that away for
continuity, in case they cut

We'll put that away for
continuity, in case they cut
the jokes up differently.

Continuity, in case they cut
the jokes up differently.
There we go.

The jokes up differently.
There we go.
That's a bit of a --

There we go.
That's a bit of a --
'Cause i know there's people

That's a bit of a --
'Cause i know there's people
that are sitting at home, going,

'Cause i know there's people
that are sitting at home, going,
"[ laughs ] that beer went like

That are sitting at home, going,
"[ laughs ] that beer went like
that, then it it went like that,

"[ Laughs ] that beer went like
that, then it it went like that,
then it went like that."

That, then it it went like that,
then it went like that."
Fucking nerds.

Then it went like that."
Fucking nerds.
So, i live in america, and it

Fucking nerds.
So, i live in america, and it
fucking blows my mind i live in

So, i live in america, and it
fucking blows my mind i live in
america now, man.

Fucking blows my mind i live in
america now, man.
I -- Coming from australia and

America now, man.
I -- Coming from australia and
everything, i never thought i'd

I -- Coming from australia and
everything, i never thought i'd
sort of go this far with my

Everything, i never thought i'd
sort of go this far with my
career or anything.

Sort of go this far with my
career or anything.
And i find myself -- Now i'm out

Career or anything.
And i find myself -- Now i'm out
there auditioning for major

And i find myself -- Now i'm out
there auditioning for major
movies and shit, man.

There auditioning for major
movies and shit, man.
And i still feel retarded every

Movies and shit, man.
And i still feel retarded every
time i go in there.

And i still feel retarded every
time i go in there.
Now, the first time i went for

Time i go in there.
Now, the first time i went for
an audition, i'd been in l.A.

Now, the first time i went for
an audition, i'd been in l.A.
For like a couple days.

An audition, i'd been in l.A.
For like a couple days.
And my agency sent me to this

For like a couple days.
And my agency sent me to this
audition and i went along and i

And my agency sent me to this
audition and i went along and i
met this girl in the corridor

Audition and i went along and i
met this girl in the corridor
called carla.

Met this girl in the corridor
called carla.
And i was really nervous, and

Called carla.
And i was really nervous, and
she could tell i was nervous.

And i was really nervous, and
she could tell i was nervous.
And she sort of calmed me down

She could tell i was nervous.
And she sort of calmed me down
and we had a little bit of a

And she sort of calmed me down
and we had a little bit of a
chat and she was really cute,

And we had a little bit of a
chat and she was really cute,
and we flirted together and

Chat and she was really cute,
and we flirted together and
stuff.

And we flirted together and
stuff.
And then i went and read the

Stuff.
And then i went and read the
little bit, and then i went

And then i went and read the
little bit, and then i went
home.

Little bit, and then i went
home.
And then i got a call later on

Home.
And then i got a call later on
that afternoon, going, "they

And then i got a call later on
that afternoon, going, "they
loved you.

That afternoon, going, "they
loved you.
You're gonna come back for a

Loved you.
You're gonna come back for a
callback."

You're gonna come back for a
callback."
So i'm like, "excellent.

Callback."
So i'm like, "excellent.
That's good.

So i'm like, "excellent.
That's good.
So, i go back for the callback,

That's good.
So, i go back for the callback,
and when you do callbacks, often

So, i go back for the callback,
and when you do callbacks, often
they have you reading with

And when you do callbacks, often
they have you reading with
another person.

They have you reading with
another person.
So, i'm in the room, reading

Another person.
So, i'm in the room, reading
with this girl, and it's the

So, i'm in the room, reading
with this girl, and it's the
same girl from the corridor.

With this girl, and it's the
same girl from the corridor.
It's carla, right?

Same girl from the corridor.
It's carla, right?
And we're sort of flirting,

It's carla, right?
And we're sort of flirting,
going, "hey, from the thing

And we're sort of flirting,
going, "hey, from the thing
before -- Ahh."

Going, "hey, from the thing
before -- Ahh."
And so we're reading.

Before -- Ahh."
And so we're reading.
We have great on-Screen

And so we're reading.
We have great on-Screen
chemistry and all that type of

We have great on-Screen
chemistry and all that type of
stuff.

Chemistry and all that type of
stuff.
Then after the audition, i said,

Stuff.
Then after the audition, i said,
"carla, do you have any taxicab

Then after the audition, i said,
"carla, do you have any taxicab
numbers?

"Carla, do you have any taxicab
numbers?
I got to get to my next

Numbers?
I got to get to my next
audition."

I got to get to my next
audition."
She said, "where are you trying

Audition."
She said, "where are you trying
to get to?"

She said, "where are you trying
to get to?"
And i went, "santa monica."

To get to?"
And i went, "santa monica."
And she said, "that's where i'm

And i went, "santa monica."
And she said, "that's where i'm
going.

And she said, "that's where i'm
going.
I'll give you a lift."

Going.
I'll give you a lift."
Now, please note at this stage

I'll give you a lift."
Now, please note at this stage
of the story i didn't ask for

Now, please note at this stage
of the story i didn't ask for
the lift.

Of the story i didn't ask for
the lift.
We go down to the car.

The lift.
We go down to the car.
She gets in.

We go down to the car.
She gets in.
She unwinds my window.

She gets in.
She unwinds my window.
She looks out and goes, "jim,

She unwinds my window.
She looks out and goes, "jim,
what's your full name?"

She looks out and goes, "jim,
what's your full name?"
And i went, "jim jefferies."

What's your full name?"
And i went, "jim jefferies."
And she went, "wait there."

And i went, "jim jefferies."
And she went, "wait there."
Then she called her mom up and

And she went, "wait there."
Then she called her mom up and
said, "hi, mom. It's carla."

Then she called her mom up and
said, "hi, mom. It's carla."
I just met a very nice boy at

Said, "hi, mom. It's carla."
I just met a very nice boy at
the audition today, and i'm

I just met a very nice boy at
the audition today, and i'm
going to give him a lift.

The audition today, and i'm
going to give him a lift.
But in case i get raped or

Going to give him a lift.
But in case i get raped or
murdered, his name's

But in case i get raped or
murdered, his name's
jim jefferies.

Murdered, his name's
jim jefferies.
So if you don't hear from me in

Jim jefferies.
So if you don't hear from me in
an hour, assume something bad

So if you don't hear from me in
an hour, assume something bad
has happened and call the cops.

An hour, assume something bad
has happened and call the cops.
Get it, jim!"

Has happened and call the cops.
Get it, jim!"
So i get in.

Get it, jim!"
So i get in.
We got like a 15-Mile drive.

So i get in.
We got like a 15-Mile drive.
I say fucking nothing for the

We got like a 15-Mile drive.
I say fucking nothing for the
first 5 miles.

I say fucking nothing for the
first 5 miles.
I just look forward.

First 5 miles.
I just look forward.
And eventually i turn to her and

I just look forward.
And eventually i turn to her and
go, "you've just made this rape

And eventually i turn to her and
go, "you've just made this rape
really awkward."

Go, "you've just made this rape
really awkward."
She fucking freaks out!

Really awkward."
She fucking freaks out!
She slams her foot on the

She fucking freaks out!
She slams her foot on the
brakes.

She slams her foot on the
brakes.
She skids off the highway.

Brakes.
She skids off the highway.
She starts slapping at me.

She skids off the highway.
She starts slapping at me.
I'm grabbing her wrists.

She starts slapping at me.
I'm grabbing her wrists.
Now i feel kind of rapey, and

I'm grabbing her wrists.
Now i feel kind of rapey, and
i didn't want to.

Now i feel kind of rapey, and
i didn't want to.
And it's like, "you offered the

I didn't want to.
And it's like, "you offered the
lift!

And it's like, "you offered the
lift!
I didn't ask for the fucking

Lift!
I didn't ask for the fucking
lift!

I didn't ask for the fucking
lift!
You seem more concerned in

Lift!
You seem more concerned in
solving this crime than

You seem more concerned in
solving this crime than
preventing it."

Solving this crime than
preventing it."
So, i raped her to teach her a

Preventing it."
So, i raped her to teach her a
lesson, 'cause...

So, i raped her to teach her a
lesson, 'cause...
[ applause ]

Lesson, 'cause...
[ applause ]
...how else would she learn?

[ Applause ]
...how else would she learn?
We're trying to sell this show

...how else would she learn?
We're trying to sell this show
to the americans.

We're trying to sell this show
to the americans.
I don't like our chances.

To the americans.
I don't like our chances.
So, let's do something we can

I don't like our chances.
So, let's do something we can
all enjoy.

So, let's do something we can
all enjoy.
Sometimes when i'm fucking a

All enjoy.
Sometimes when i'm fucking a
chick, i go to fuck them again

Sometimes when i'm fucking a
chick, i go to fuck them again
in the morning, and they'll say

Chick, i go to fuck them again
in the morning, and they'll say
something like this --

In the morning, and they'll say
something like this --
"No.

Something like this --
"No.
When we fucked last night, it

"No.
When we fucked last night, it
was a little bit dry, and now

When we fucked last night, it
was a little bit dry, and now
i'm sore."

Was a little bit dry, and now
i'm sore."
Now, to any woman who's said

I'm sore."
Now, to any woman who's said
something similar to this, may i

Now, to any woman who's said
something similar to this, may i
say, "your problem.

Something similar to this, may i
say, "your problem.
My job was to get an erection.

Say, "your problem.
My job was to get an erection.
Your job was to get your hole

My job was to get an erection.
Your job was to get your hole
wet.

Your job was to get your hole
wet.
Didn't you get your hole wet?

Wet.
Didn't you get your hole wet?
We both had things to do"?

Didn't you get your hole wet?
We both had things to do"?
See...

We both had things to do"?
See...
if i don't get an erection

See...
if i don't get an erection
during sex, i'm called impotent.

If i don't get an erection
during sex, i'm called impotent.
But a dry hole is the same as a

During sex, i'm called impotent.
But a dry hole is the same as a
flaccid penis.

But a dry hole is the same as a
flaccid penis.
A dry hole is an impotent hole

Flaccid penis.
A dry hole is an impotent hole
and you're not a complete woman

A dry hole is an impotent hole
and you're not a complete woman
and you should be ashamed of

And you're not a complete woman
and you should be ashamed of
yourself.

And you should be ashamed of
yourself.
[ Cheers and applause ]

Yourself.
[ Cheers and applause ]
but women don't take

[ Cheers and applause ]
but women don't take
responsibility for the dry hole.

But women don't take
responsibility for the dry hole.
If i go to fuck a chick tonight

Responsibility for the dry hole.
If i go to fuck a chick tonight
and i get too drunk, which i

If i go to fuck a chick tonight
and i get too drunk, which i
will -- And i go to fuck a chick

And i get too drunk, which i
will -- And i go to fuck a chick
and i don't get an erection,

Will -- And i go to fuck a chick
and i don't get an erection,
she'll go back to her friends

And i don't get an erection,
she'll go back to her friends
and go, "oh, i went to fuck that

She'll go back to her friends
and go, "oh, i went to fuck that
jim jefferies.

And go, "oh, i went to fuck that
jim jefferies.
He couldn't get an erection."

Jim jefferies.
He couldn't get an erection."
But if i go to fuck a chick and

He couldn't get an erection."
But if i go to fuck a chick and
she doesn't get wet, she'll go

But if i go to fuck a chick and
she doesn't get wet, she'll go
back to her friends and go,

She doesn't get wet, she'll go
back to her friends and go,
"i fucked jim jefferies.

Back to her friends and go,
"i fucked jim jefferies.
He didn't even get me wet."

"I fucked jim jefferies.
He didn't even get me wet."
Do you see the problem there?

He didn't even get me wet."
Do you see the problem there?
I'm in charge of everything.

Do you see the problem there?
I'm in charge of everything.
It's like -- I used to fuck this

I'm in charge of everything.
It's like -- I used to fuck this
chick for a while.

It's like -- I used to fuck this
chick for a while.
I start fucking her, and she

Chick for a while.
I start fucking her, and she
sent me a text -- Well, you

I start fucking her, and she
sent me a text -- Well, you
know, i just stopped calling

Sent me a text -- Well, you
know, i just stopped calling
her, you know, just ignored her.

Know, i just stopped calling
her, you know, just ignored her.
And she sent me a text message

Her, you know, just ignored her.
And she sent me a text message
a month later that went, "oh,

And she sent me a text message
a month later that went, "oh,
by the way, you never made me

A month later that went, "oh,
by the way, you never made me
come."

By the way, you never made me
come."
And i was like, "pfft, really?

Come."
And i was like, "pfft, really?
You think you're the one who

And i was like, "pfft, really?
You think you're the one who
makes me come?

You think you're the one who
makes me come?
Do you want to know who makes

Makes me come?
Do you want to know who makes
me come?

Do you want to know who makes
me come?
I make me come!

Me come?
I make me come!
All the horrible thoughts i

I make me come!
All the horrible thoughts i
have in my fucking head makes

All the horrible thoughts i
have in my fucking head makes
me come!

Have in my fucking head makes
me come!
You have very little to do

Me come!
You have very little to do
with it.

You have very little to do
with it.
You're just the container i

With it.
You're just the container i
shoot it into."

You're just the container i
shoot it into."
[ Applause ]

Shoot it into."
[ Applause ]
but let's go back to the dry

[ Applause ]
but let's go back to the dry
cunt.

But let's go back to the dry
cunt.
There are women in the room who

Cunt.
There are women in the room who
are thinking, "maybe i wouldn't

There are women in the room who
are thinking, "maybe i wouldn't
be dry if there was a bit of

Are thinking, "maybe i wouldn't
be dry if there was a bit of
foreplay."

Be dry if there was a bit of
foreplay."
Let's explain foreplay.

Foreplay."
Let's explain foreplay.
Foreplay is what we do to each

Let's explain foreplay.
Foreplay is what we do to each
other to get each other ready

Foreplay is what we do to each
other to get each other ready
for sex.

Other to get each other ready
for sex.
If i have an erection, that

For sex.
If i have an erection, that
means i'm ready for sex and

If i have an erection, that
means i'm ready for sex and
i'm all foreplayed out.

Means i'm ready for sex and
i'm all foreplayed out.
Now, the foreplay that's

I'm all foreplayed out.
Now, the foreplay that's
necessary for a woman goes like

Now, the foreplay that's
necessary for a woman goes like
this -- You got to start by

Necessary for a woman goes like
this -- You got to start by
kissing them.

This -- You got to start by
kissing them.
Women love kissing.

Kissing them.
Women love kissing.
Men don't give a shit about

Women love kissing.
Men don't give a shit about
kissing.

Men don't give a shit about
kissing.
We kiss you because we like you

Kissing.
We kiss you because we like you
and -- Let's be honest -- We

We kiss you because we like you
and -- Let's be honest -- We
spoil you.

And -- Let's be honest -- We
spoil you.
Men don't give a fuck about

Spoil you.
Men don't give a fuck about
kissing.

Men don't give a fuck about
kissing.
Used to like kissing when we

Kissing.
Used to like kissing when we
were in our early teens.

Used to like kissing when we
were in our early teens.
Then someone sucked our dick.

Were in our early teens.
Then someone sucked our dick.
And then, "what's this kissing

Then someone sucked our dick.
And then, "what's this kissing
thing?

And then, "what's this kissing
thing?
Why am i kissing this person?

Thing?
Why am i kissing this person?
Why would i ride on the swings?

Why am i kissing this person?
Why would i ride on the swings?
I've already been to

Why would i ride on the swings?
I've already been to
disneyland."

I've already been to
disneyland."
But we kiss you 'cause we like

Disneyland."
But we kiss you 'cause we like
you and we're a charitable

But we kiss you 'cause we like
you and we're a charitable
bunch.

You and we're a charitable
bunch.
Then you start kissing down the

Bunch.
Then you start kissing down the
neck.

Then you start kissing down the
neck.
Now, the whole time you're doing

Neck.
Now, the whole time you're doing
this, you're working downwards,

Now, the whole time you're doing
this, you're working downwards,
towards the cunt.

This, you're working downwards,
towards the cunt.
Now, you know you're going to

Towards the cunt.
Now, you know you're going to
the cunt.

Now, you know you're going to
the cunt.
She knows you're going to the

The cunt.
She knows you're going to the
cunt.

She knows you're going to the
cunt.
Everybody knows...you're going

Cunt.
Everybody knows...you're going
to the cunt.

Everybody knows...you're going
to the cunt.
But for some unbeknown reason,

To the cunt.
But for some unbeknown reason,
you have to act like you're not

But for some unbeknown reason,
you have to act like you're not
going to the cunt and that

You have to act like you're not
going to the cunt and that
you're enjoying the journey of

Going to the cunt and that
you're enjoying the journey of
this creature.

You're enjoying the journey of
this creature.
Women -- You got to give them a

This creature.
Women -- You got to give them a
journey.

Women -- You got to give them a
journey.
Men don't give a shit about a

Journey.
Men don't give a shit about a
journey.

Men don't give a shit about a
journey.
If a man's driving from point

Journey.
If a man's driving from point
"a" to point "b," we fill the

If a man's driving from point
"a" to point "b," we fill the
tank, we get on the motorway,

"A" to point "b," we fill the
tank, we get on the motorway,
we make good time, right?

Tank, we get on the motorway,
we make good time, right?
With women, you got to give them

We make good time, right?
With women, you got to give them
a fucking journey.

With women, you got to give them
a fucking journey.
You got to take them by the

A fucking journey.
You got to take them by the
water or antiquing or some shit.

You got to take them by the
water or antiquing or some shit.
[ Chuckles ]

Water or antiquing or some shit.
[ Chuckles ]
see, the thing is women read so

[ Chuckles ]
see, the thing is women read so
many magazines about how to send

See, the thing is women read so
many magazines about how to send
your man wild and how to

Many magazines about how to send
your man wild and how to
titillate your man and all these

Your man wild and how to
titillate your man and all these
25 steps to do all the --

Titillate your man and all these
25 steps to do all the --
It's a lot of fucking bullshit.

25 steps to do all the --
It's a lot of fucking bullshit.
Oh, "get a feather."

It's a lot of fucking bullshit.
Oh, "get a feather."
"Involve food in the

Oh, "get a feather."
"Involve food in the
relationship."

"Involve food in the
relationship."
This is all bullshit.

Relationship."
This is all bullshit.
"Play with his nipples."

This is all bullshit.
"Play with his nipples."
These things are fucking dead!

"Play with his nipples."
These things are fucking dead!
They're dead to me!

These things are fucking dead!
They're dead to me!
These mean nothing!

They're dead to me!
These mean nothing!
You could cut these off and

These mean nothing!
You could cut these off and
donate them to some poor african

You could cut these off and
donate them to some poor african
child without nipples!

Donate them to some poor african
child without nipples!
I wouldn't give a fuck.

Child without nipples!
I wouldn't give a fuck.
This is what we want you to

I wouldn't give a fuck.
This is what we want you to
do -- Fucking suck our cock and

This is what we want you to
do -- Fucking suck our cock and
cup our balls.

Do -- Fucking suck our cock and
cup our balls.
And when you're sucking our

Cup our balls.
And when you're sucking our
cock, look like you're in a bit

And when you're sucking our
cock, look like you're in a bit
of pain because we enjoy it if

Cock, look like you're in a bit
of pain because we enjoy it if
you look uncomfortable.

Of pain because we enjoy it if
you look uncomfortable.
[ Cheers and applause ]

You look uncomfortable.
[ Cheers and applause ]
anyway, but back to the lady --

[ Cheers and applause ]
anyway, but back to the lady --
You keep kissing down.

Anyway, but back to the lady --
You keep kissing down.
Now you're at the tits.

You keep kissing down.
Now you're at the tits.
Now, tits are a mixed bag.

Now you're at the tits.
Now, tits are a mixed bag.
Some tits you got to be firm

Now, tits are a mixed bag.
Some tits you got to be firm
with.

Some tits you got to be firm
with.
Some tits you got to be soft

With.
Some tits you got to be soft
with.

Some tits you got to be soft
with.
Some tits, you can bite the

With.
Some tits, you can bite the
nipple.

Some tits, you can bite the
nipple.
Some tits, don't even go near

Nipple.
Some tits, don't even go near
the nipple.

Some tits, don't even go near
the nipple.
Tits are like golf -- You play

The nipple.
Tits are like golf -- You play
the course you're on.

Tits are like golf -- You play
the course you're on.
Then...you keep kissing down.

The course you're on.
Then...you keep kissing down.
Now you're at the cunt.

Then...you keep kissing down.
Now you're at the cunt.
But even when you get to the

Now you're at the cunt.
But even when you get to the
cunt, you have to act like

But even when you get to the
cunt, you have to act like
you're not at the cunt.

Cunt, you have to act like
you're not at the cunt.
You have to act like you've

You're not at the cunt.
You have to act like you've
stumbled upon the cunt by

You have to act like you've
stumbled upon the cunt by
accident.

Stumbled upon the cunt by
accident.
So, you'll be kissing, like, a

Accident.
So, you'll be kissing, like, a
dimple-Y bit of thigh here, and

So, you'll be kissing, like, a
dimple-Y bit of thigh here, and
the cunt's there.

Dimple-Y bit of thigh here, and
the cunt's there.
And you have to sort of almost,

The cunt's there.
And you have to sort of almost,
"oh, hello!

And you have to sort of almost,
"oh, hello!
I was visiting dimple-Y thigh.

"Oh, hello!
I was visiting dimple-Y thigh.
I forgot you lived down here.

I was visiting dimple-Y thigh.
I forgot you lived down here.
No, always a pleasure, never a

I forgot you lived down here.
No, always a pleasure, never a
chore.

No, always a pleasure, never a
chore.
Do you mind if i pop in?"

Chore.
Do you mind if i pop in?"
Then you lick the whole general

Do you mind if i pop in?"
Then you lick the whole general
cunt area.

Then you lick the whole general
cunt area.
Then there's a bit at the top of

Cunt area.
Then there's a bit at the top of
the cunt -- If you lick that,

Then there's a bit at the top of
the cunt -- If you lick that,
they seem to enjoy it.

The cunt -- If you lick that,
they seem to enjoy it.
This all takes between 10 and 40

They seem to enjoy it.
This all takes between 10 and 40
minutes.

This all takes between 10 and 40
minutes.
And she might be wet.

Minutes.
And she might be wet.
And that's the foreplay that's

And she might be wet.
And that's the foreplay that's
necessary for a woman.

And that's the foreplay that's
necessary for a woman.
Now, the foreplay that's

Necessary for a woman.
Now, the foreplay that's
necessary for a man -- We just

Now, the foreplay that's
necessary for a man -- We just
need to see you naked.

Necessary for a man -- We just
need to see you naked.
Maybe you need kisses, caresses,

Need to see you naked.
Maybe you need kisses, caresses,
compliments, and licks, when all

Maybe you need kisses, caresses,
compliments, and licks, when all
we need is you.

Compliments, and licks, when all
we need is you.
Maybe we take our relationships

We need is you.
Maybe we take our relationships
seriously.

Maybe we take our relationships
seriously.
[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause ]
how many more do you reckon
there is behind there?

How many more do you reckon
there is behind there?
There's a dwarf behind there

There is behind there?
There's a dwarf behind there
mixing me a cocktail.

There's a dwarf behind there
mixing me a cocktail.
I am fucking drunk, though.

Mixing me a cocktail.
I am fucking drunk, though.
All right.

I am fucking drunk, though.
All right.
I'm gonna tell you a story.

All right.
I'm gonna tell you a story.
This story's very long.

I'm gonna tell you a story.
This story's very long.
The first three minutes of this

This story's very long.
The first three minutes of this
story are very depressing.

The first three minutes of this
story are very depressing.
Just hitching up my pants.

Story are very depressing.
Just hitching up my pants.
The first three minutes of this

Just hitching up my pants.
The first three minutes of this
story are very depressing, but

The first three minutes of this
story are very depressing, but
there is a moment where this

Story are very depressing, but
there is a moment where this
story takes flight.

There is a moment where this
story takes flight.
And you have to hang in there

Story takes flight.
And you have to hang in there
with me until this moment and

And you have to hang in there
with me until this moment and
trust me that the story's gonna

With me until this moment and
trust me that the story's gonna
get good.

Trust me that the story's gonna
get good.
I grew up at number 3

Get good.
I grew up at number 3
turramurra street.

I grew up at number 3
turramurra street.
At number 5 was my two best

Turramurra street.
At number 5 was my two best
childhood friends, andrew and

At number 5 was my two best
childhood friends, andrew and
daniel connor.

Childhood friends, andrew and
daniel connor.
Daniel was born with a disease

Daniel connor.
Daniel was born with a disease
called muscular dystrophy.

Daniel was born with a disease
called muscular dystrophy.
If you don't know what muscular

Called muscular dystrophy.
If you don't know what muscular
dystrophy is, it's a horrible

If you don't know what muscular
dystrophy is, it's a horrible
disease that wastes away at your

Dystrophy is, it's a horrible
disease that wastes away at your
muscles.

Disease that wastes away at your
muscles.
It's the same as lou gehrig's

Muscles.
It's the same as lou gehrig's
disease or motor neuron disease,

It's the same as lou gehrig's
disease or motor neuron disease,
except you're born with it.

Disease or motor neuron disease,
except you're born with it.
You get diagnosed when you're

Except you're born with it.
You get diagnosed when you're
about 6 years old, when you're

You get diagnosed when you're
about 6 years old, when you're
not walking right and they put

About 6 years old, when you're
not walking right and they put
you on crutches.

Not walking right and they put
you on crutches.
By the time you're 10, you're in

You on crutches.
By the time you're 10, you're in
a wheelchair.

By the time you're 10, you're in
a wheelchair.
By the time you're 20, you're in

A wheelchair.
By the time you're 20, you're in
a completely vegetative state.

By the time you're 20, you're in
a completely vegetative state.
Most people die before their

A completely vegetative state.
Most people die before their
25th birthday.

Most people die before their
25th birthday.
Dan's lived to be 33 years old,

25th birthday.
Dan's lived to be 33 years old,
still alive and kicking.

Dan's lived to be 33 years old,
still alive and kicking.
Let me rephrase that --

Still alive and kicking.
Let me rephrase that --
Still alive.

Let me rephrase that --
Still alive.
[ Scattered applause ]

Still alive.
[ Scattered applause ]
he's actually died seven times

[ Scattered applause ]
he's actually died seven times
in his life and been

He's actually died seven times
in his life and been
resuscitated -- Seven.

In his life and been
resuscitated -- Seven.
And i once asked him -- I said,

Resuscitated -- Seven.
And i once asked him -- I said,
"dan, what happens after you

And i once asked him -- I said,
"dan, what happens after you
die?"

"Dan, what happens after you
die?"
And he said, "nothing."

Die?"
And he said, "nothing."
So, good luck with your religion

And he said, "nothing."
So, good luck with your religion
and your faith.

So, good luck with your religion
and your faith.
I'll take an actual statistic.

And your faith.
I'll take an actual statistic.
Now, his family had since moved

I'll take an actual statistic.
Now, his family had since moved
to melbourne.

Now, his family had since moved
to melbourne.
I had moved to great britain.

To melbourne.
I had moved to great britain.
I went to do the

I had moved to great britain.
I went to do the
melbourne comedy festival.

I went to do the
melbourne comedy festival.
This was about a year ago.

Melbourne comedy festival.
This was about a year ago.
I hadn't seen him in all that

This was about a year ago.
I hadn't seen him in all that
time.

I hadn't seen him in all that
time.
His brother andrew came to see

Time.
His brother andrew came to see
my show, and then andrew took me

His brother andrew came to see
my show, and then andrew took me
to see dan.

My show, and then andrew took me
to see dan.
And i went in to see him, and

To see dan.
And i went in to see him, and
i'd never seen anyone live this

And i went in to see him, and
i'd never seen anyone live this
long with this disease.

I'd never seen anyone live this
long with this disease.
And he's laying on a bed.

Long with this disease.
And he's laying on a bed.
His eyelids are a muscle that he

And he's laying on a bed.
His eyelids are a muscle that he
can't keep open anymore, and

His eyelids are a muscle that he
can't keep open anymore, and
he's just squinting through

Can't keep open anymore, and
he's just squinting through
these little things and has a

He's just squinting through
these little things and has a
breathing mask on him to keep

These little things and has a
breathing mask on him to keep
his lungs working because the

Breathing mask on him to keep
his lungs working because the
lungs are a muscle that he can't

His lungs working because the
lungs are a muscle that he can't
keep pumping.

Lungs are a muscle that he can't
keep pumping.
He has a heart-Monitoring

Keep pumping.
He has a heart-Monitoring
machine in case he flatlines in

He has a heart-Monitoring
machine in case he flatlines in
the middle of the night and

Machine in case he flatlines in
the middle of the night and
someone has to resuscitate him.

The middle of the night and
someone has to resuscitate him.
And as soon as i walked in and

Someone has to resuscitate him.
And as soon as i walked in and
saw this guy that i used to run

And as soon as i walked in and
saw this guy that i used to run
around with as a child, i burst

Saw this guy that i used to run
around with as a child, i burst
into tears.

Around with as a child, i burst
into tears.
There's nothing worse you can

Into tears.
There's nothing worse you can
give anyone in this world than

There's nothing worse you can
give anyone in this world than
pity, you know?

Give anyone in this world than
pity, you know?
I went in the corridor.

Pity, you know?
I went in the corridor.
I felt like a right prick.

I went in the corridor.
I felt like a right prick.
And i was fucking wiping my eyes

I felt like a right prick.
And i was fucking wiping my eyes
off.

And i was fucking wiping my eyes
off.
And i went back in and i sat

Off.
And i went back in and i sat
with dan, and his brother andrew

And i went back in and i sat
with dan, and his brother andrew
went off to work.

With dan, and his brother andrew
went off to work.
And me and dan chatted for

Went off to work.
And me and dan chatted for
a while.

And me and dan chatted for
a while.
20 minutes into the

A while.
20 minutes into the
conversation, dan says to me,

20 minutes into the
conversation, dan says to me,
"jim, i'm 32 years old.

Conversation, dan says to me,
"jim, i'm 32 years old.
I've never been with a woman.

"Jim, i'm 32 years old.
I've never been with a woman.
Will you take me to a

I've never been with a woman.
Will you take me to a
prostitute?"

Will you take me to a
prostitute?"
And that's where the story picks

Prostitute?"
And that's where the story picks
up, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause

And that's where the story picks
up, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause
i went, "fuck, yeah!"

Up, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause
i went, "fuck, yeah!"
And he went, "but don't tell my

I went, "fuck, yeah!"
And he went, "but don't tell my
brother.

And he went, "but don't tell my
brother.
He wouldn't understand."

Brother.
He wouldn't understand."
And i said, "that's where you're

He wouldn't understand."
And i said, "that's where you're
wrong.

And i said, "that's where you're
wrong.
I've known your brother my

Wrong.
I've known your brother my
entire life.

I've known your brother my
entire life.
Trust me -- He will understand."

Entire life.
Trust me -- He will understand."
And against dan's will, when

Trust me -- He will understand."
And against dan's will, when
andrew came home from work, i

And against dan's will, when
andrew came home from work, i
pulled andrew aside and said,

Andrew came home from work, i
pulled andrew aside and said,
"andrew, look, here's the deal.

Pulled andrew aside and said,
"andrew, look, here's the deal.
Dan's asked me to take him to

"Andrew, look, here's the deal.
Dan's asked me to take him to
a prostitute.

Dan's asked me to take him to
a prostitute.
I'm gonna do it whether you like

A prostitute.
I'm gonna do it whether you like
it or not, but i think, as his

I'm gonna do it whether you like
it or not, but i think, as his
brother, you should come along

It or not, but i think, as his
brother, you should come along
and help out."

Brother, you should come along
and help out."
And andrew went, "we're not

And help out."
And andrew went, "we're not
doing it."

And andrew went, "we're not
doing it."
And i went, "why?"

Doing it."
And i went, "why?"
And he went, "it'll kill him."

And i went, "why?"
And he went, "it'll kill him."
And i went --

And he went, "it'll kill him."
And i went --
[ Exhales heavily ]

And i went --
[ Exhales heavily ]
"he's gonna die soon anyway.

[ Exhales heavily ]
"he's gonna die soon anyway.
This is a good way for him to

"He's gonna die soon anyway.
This is a good way for him to
go.

This is a good way for him to
go.
Like, sure, we'll have to answer

Go.
Like, sure, we'll have to answer
a few questions."

Like, sure, we'll have to answer
a few questions."
And he said, "we're not doing

A few questions."
And he said, "we're not doing
it."

And he said, "we're not doing
it."
And i said, "why?"

It."
And i said, "why?"
And he goes, "'cause mom doesn't

And i said, "why?"
And he goes, "'cause mom doesn't
like you already!"

And he goes, "'cause mom doesn't
like you already!"
And i went, "your mom's never

Like you already!"
And i went, "your mom's never
liked me!

And i went, "your mom's never
liked me!
That's why i'm the right guy to

Liked me!
That's why i'm the right guy to
kill your brother!"

That's why i'm the right guy to
kill your brother!"
And he said, "all right, we'll

Kill your brother!"
And he said, "all right, we'll
do it, but he can't have full

And he said, "all right, we'll
do it, but he can't have full
sex.

Do it, but he can't have full
sex.
Full sex will kill him.

Sex.
Full sex will kill him.
He can only have a blowjob."

Full sex will kill him.
He can only have a blowjob."
And i thought that was fairly

He can only have a blowjob."
And i thought that was fairly
reasonable.

And i thought that was fairly
reasonable.
So, we went back in and saw dan.

Reasonable.
So, we went back in and saw dan.
He was where we left him.

So, we went back in and saw dan.
He was where we left him.
And we said...

He was where we left him.
And we said...
"dan, here's the deal -- I know

And we said...
"dan, here's the deal -- I know
you told me not to tell your

"Dan, here's the deal -- I know
you told me not to tell your
brother, but i told your

You told me not to tell your
brother, but i told your
brother.

Brother, but i told your
brother.
Me and him are both gonna take

Brother.
Me and him are both gonna take
you to the knock shop tomorrow,

Me and him are both gonna take
you to the knock shop tomorrow,
mate, but you can't have full

You to the knock shop tomorrow,
mate, but you can't have full
sex.

Mate, but you can't have full
sex.
You can only have a blowjob."

Sex.
You can only have a blowjob."
And dan went, "i want full sex."

You can only have a blowjob."
And dan went, "i want full sex."
And his brother andrew went,

And dan went, "i want full sex."
And his brother andrew went,
"dan, you're in no position to

And his brother andrew went,
"dan, you're in no position to
argue with anyone, ever."

"Dan, you're in no position to
argue with anyone, ever."
Then dan reluctantly agreed.

Argue with anyone, ever."
Then dan reluctantly agreed.
Now, prostitution in australia

Then dan reluctantly agreed.
Now, prostitution in australia
is legal, so i spent the rest of

Now, prostitution in australia
is legal, so i spent the rest of
the afternoon going through the

Is legal, so i spent the rest of
the afternoon going through the
phonebook, trying to find a

The afternoon going through the
phonebook, trying to find a
brothel with wheelchair access.

Phonebook, trying to find a
brothel with wheelchair access.
Best afternoon ever!

Brothel with wheelchair access.
Best afternoon ever!
[ Scattered applause ]

Best afternoon ever!
[ Scattered applause ]
eventually, i found one, the

[ Scattered applause ]
eventually, i found one, the
biggest brothel in the southern

Eventually, i found one, the
biggest brothel in the southern
hemisphere, the daily planet,

Biggest brothel in the southern
hemisphere, the daily planet,
or, as the australians call it,

Hemisphere, the daily planet,
or, as the australians call it,
"four floors of whores."

Or, as the australians call it,
"four floors of whores."
It's a 24-Hour brothel because

"Four floors of whores."
It's a 24-Hour brothel because
australia's a go-Ahead country.

It's a 24-Hour brothel because
australia's a go-Ahead country.
So, we decided we were gonna go

Australia's a go-Ahead country.
So, we decided we were gonna go
early in the morning, like

So, we decided we were gonna go
early in the morning, like
really early, like 6:00 a.M.

Early in the morning, like
really early, like 6:00 a.M.
We wanted to go in when the

Really early, like 6:00 a.M.
We wanted to go in when the
place was quiet and we weren't

We wanted to go in when the
place was quiet and we weren't
gonna cause a scene.

Place was quiet and we weren't
gonna cause a scene.
So, we wake him up at 6:00 in

Gonna cause a scene.
So, we wake him up at 6:00 in
the morning.

So, we wake him up at 6:00 in
the morning.
It's hard to tell if he's awake.

The morning.
It's hard to tell if he's awake.
And we get him in his chair.

It's hard to tell if he's awake.
And we get him in his chair.
Now, he hasn't got your

And we get him in his chair.
Now, he hasn't got your
bog-Standard fucking wheelchair.

Now, he hasn't got your
bog-Standard fucking wheelchair.
He's got one of those big sort

Bog-Standard fucking wheelchair.
He's got one of those big sort
of silver-Looking things with

He's got one of those big sort
of silver-Looking things with
the truck tires on it.

Of silver-Looking things with
the truck tires on it.
I think the model's called a

The truck tires on it.
I think the model's called a
hawking.

I think the model's called a
hawking.
And even though his muscles

Hawking.
And even though his muscles
don't work, they get sore.

And even though his muscles
don't work, they get sore.
So, this thing can move him from

Don't work, they get sore.
So, this thing can move him from
side to side and back to front

So, this thing can move him from
side to side and back to front
and even into a full bed.

Side to side and back to front
and even into a full bed.
So, we get him in the chair.

And even into a full bed.
So, we get him in the chair.
Then we order a taxi.

So, we get him in the chair.
Then we order a taxi.
And then -- It's not like you

Then we order a taxi.
And then -- It's not like you
have black cabs out there.

And then -- It's not like you
have black cabs out there.
It's like a normal car, but

Have black cabs out there.
It's like a normal car, but
they've modified the back to go

It's like a normal car, but
they've modified the back to go
higher, and they drive him up

They've modified the back to go
higher, and they drive him up
through the boot and they strap

Higher, and they drive him up
through the boot and they strap
him in there and he sits up

Through the boot and they strap
him in there and he sits up
high, with windows all around

Him in there and he sits up
high, with windows all around
him, like a big, retarded

High, with windows all around
him, like a big, retarded
pope...

Him, like a big, retarded
pope...
or, as the catholics would say,

Pope...
or, as the catholics would say,
the pope.

Or, as the catholics would say,
the pope.
[ Applause ]

The pope.
[ Applause ]
and we drive up to the brothel.

[ Applause ]
and we drive up to the brothel.
Now, when we get to the brothel,

And we drive up to the brothel.
Now, when we get to the brothel,
it takes 10 minutes to get him

Now, when we get to the brothel,
it takes 10 minutes to get him
off the taxi.

It takes 10 minutes to get him
off the taxi.
I see this as my window of

Off the taxi.
I see this as my window of
opportunity, so while they're

I see this as my window of
opportunity, so while they're
getting him off the taxi, i run

Opportunity, so while they're
getting him off the taxi, i run
into the brothel.

Getting him off the taxi, i run
into the brothel.
Now, there's two ways that

Into the brothel.
Now, there's two ways that
brothels work.

Now, there's two ways that
brothels work.
Either the prostitutes will

Brothels work.
Either the prostitutes will
stand in a row in their lingerie

Either the prostitutes will
stand in a row in their lingerie
and you just pick the one that

Stand in a row in their lingerie
and you just pick the one that
you want, or they'll stand

And you just pick the one that
you want, or they'll stand
around in a bar in evening gowns

You want, or they'll stand
around in a bar in evening gowns
and high heels and you walk up

Around in a bar in evening gowns
and high heels and you walk up
to the one that you like the

And high heels and you walk up
to the one that you like the
look of, chat to her for a bit,

To the one that you like the
look of, chat to her for a bit,
act like you've got some type of

Look of, chat to her for a bit,
act like you've got some type of
connection with an eastern

Act like you've got some type of
connection with an eastern
european woman, then take her

Connection with an eastern
european woman, then take her
upstairs and fuck her if you

European woman, then take her
upstairs and fuck her if you
need your life to be this

Upstairs and fuck her if you
need your life to be this
delusional.

Need your life to be this
delusional.
This is one of these situations.

Delusional.
This is one of these situations.
So, while they're getting dan

This is one of these situations.
So, while they're getting dan
out of the cab, i run into the

So, while they're getting dan
out of the cab, i run into the
brothel and go, "everyone,

Out of the cab, i run into the
brothel and go, "everyone,
quickly, gather 'round!

Brothel and go, "everyone,
quickly, gather 'round!
I haven't got much time!"

Quickly, gather 'round!
I haven't got much time!"
And these 14 bemused hookers

I haven't got much time!"
And these 14 bemused hookers
shuffle over, and i went,

And these 14 bemused hookers
shuffle over, and i went,
"look -- Here's the deal.

Shuffle over, and i went,
"look -- Here's the deal.
I have a severely disabled

"Look -- Here's the deal.
I have a severely disabled
friend with me.

I have a severely disabled
friend with me.
If you're not up for it, speak

Friend with me.
If you're not up for it, speak
now or forever hold your peace."

If you're not up for it, speak
now or forever hold your peace."
And one of them went, "how bad

Now or forever hold your peace."
And one of them went, "how bad
is he?"

And one of them went, "how bad
is he?"
And i went, "[ chuckles ]

Is he?"
And i went, "[ chuckles ]
pretty fucking bad."

And i went, "[ chuckles ]
pretty fucking bad."
And 10 of them said they

Pretty fucking bad."
And 10 of them said they
wouldn't do it, and i said,

And 10 of them said they
wouldn't do it, and i said,
"well, i respect that, but can

Wouldn't do it, and i said,
"well, i respect that, but can
you please go and hide?

"Well, i respect that, but can
you please go and hide?
Because i don't want him to be

You please go and hide?
Because i don't want him to be
rejected by hookers."

Because i don't want him to be
rejected by hookers."
And these 10 girls shuffle away

Rejected by hookers."
And these 10 girls shuffle away
in their evening gowns and their

And these 10 girls shuffle away
in their evening gowns and their
high heels, with gonorrhea

In their evening gowns and their
high heels, with gonorrhea
falling out of them.

High heels, with gonorrhea
falling out of them.
I am now left with four girls.

Falling out of them.
I am now left with four girls.
The best-Looking one by a mile

I am now left with four girls.
The best-Looking one by a mile
stays.

The best-Looking one by a mile
stays.
Dan wheels in, looking like

Stays.
Dan wheels in, looking like
jabba the hut, breathing like

Dan wheels in, looking like
jabba the hut, breathing like
darth vader.

Jabba the hut, breathing like
darth vader.
Two of the girls run away, and

Darth vader.
Two of the girls run away, and
i'm like, "are you fucking

Two of the girls run away, and
i'm like, "are you fucking
kidding, you sluts?

I'm like, "are you fucking
kidding, you sluts?
I just asked you nicely."

Kidding, you sluts?
I just asked you nicely."
So we're now left with two

I just asked you nicely."
So we're now left with two
girls.

So we're now left with two
girls.
The best-Looking one's there.

Girls.
The best-Looking one's there.
The other one's a fucking troll.

The best-Looking one's there.
The other one's a fucking troll.
Now, out of respect for the ugly

The other one's a fucking troll.
Now, out of respect for the ugly
one, i go to dan -- I go, "dan,

Now, out of respect for the ugly
one, i go to dan -- I go, "dan,
there's only two girls working

One, i go to dan -- I go, "dan,
there's only two girls working
today, mate.

There's only two girls working
today, mate.
Which one do you want?"

Today, mate.
Which one do you want?"
And he said, "the one in the

Which one do you want?"
And he said, "the one in the
green dress."

And he said, "the one in the
green dress."
Now, neither of them had a

Green dress."
Now, neither of them had a
green dress.

Now, neither of them had a
green dress.
I stand up and look at andrew

Green dress.
I stand up and look at andrew
and went, "what the fuck is all

I stand up and look at andrew
and went, "what the fuck is all
this about?"

And went, "what the fuck is all
this about?"
And andrew went, "oh, yeah, his

This about?"
And andrew went, "oh, yeah, his
eyes are fucked, as well."

And andrew went, "oh, yeah, his
eyes are fucked, as well."
Now, it turns out that dan's

Eyes are fucked, as well."
Now, it turns out that dan's
colorblind.

Now, it turns out that dan's
colorblind.
It's not part of the condition.

Colorblind.
It's not part of the condition.
It's just unfortunate.

It's not part of the condition.
It's just unfortunate.
So...i sat with the hooker.

It's just unfortunate.
So...i sat with the hooker.
Now, i'm gonna pay for

So...i sat with the hooker.
Now, i'm gonna pay for
everything.

Now, i'm gonna pay for
everything.
Now, the reason i'm gonna pay

Everything.
Now, the reason i'm gonna pay
for everything is simple.

Now, the reason i'm gonna pay
for everything is simple.
I told dan and andrew that i

For everything is simple.
I told dan and andrew that i
would pay for everything, as

I told dan and andrew that i
would pay for everything, as
long as i got to tell this story

Would pay for everything, as
long as i got to tell this story
to hundreds of thousands of

Long as i got to tell this story
to hundreds of thousands of
people in the future.

To hundreds of thousands of
people in the future.
And they said, "of course you

People in the future.
And they said, "of course you
can, jim, but be respectful and

And they said, "of course you
can, jim, but be respectful and
change our names," which sounds

Can, jim, but be respectful and
change our names," which sounds
like the right thing to do, now,

Change our names," which sounds
like the right thing to do, now,
doesn't it?

Like the right thing to do, now,
doesn't it?
Now, i haven't changed their

Doesn't it?
Now, i haven't changed their
names.

Now, i haven't changed their
names.
Their names are andrew and

Names.
Their names are andrew and
daniel connor from st kilda,

Their names are andrew and
daniel connor from st kilda,
melbourne, australia.

Daniel connor from st kilda,
melbourne, australia.
I would have liked to have

Melbourne, australia.
I would have liked to have
changed their names.

I would have liked to have
changed their names.
It is the right thing to do.

Changed their names.
It is the right thing to do.
But i look at this way -- Even

It is the right thing to do.
But i look at this way -- Even
if i changed their names and

But i look at this way -- Even
if i changed their names and
their parents started watching

If i changed their names and
their parents started watching
my comedy, they'd be like, "my

Their parents started watching
my comedy, they'd be like, "my
word, doesn't 'randy' and

My comedy, they'd be like, "my
word, doesn't 'randy' and
'steve' sound like our kids?

Word, doesn't 'randy' and
'steve' sound like our kids?
Didn't jim grow up with a lot of

'Steve' sound like our kids?
Didn't jim grow up with a lot of
people with muscular dystrophy?"

Didn't jim grow up with a lot of
people with muscular dystrophy?"
So, i sat there with the hooker,

People with muscular dystrophy?"
So, i sat there with the hooker,
and i said, "how much for the

So, i sat there with the hooker,
and i said, "how much for the
half-Hour?"

And i said, "how much for the
half-Hour?"
And she said, "$180."

Half-Hour?"
And she said, "$180."
And i said, "i'll give you $250

And she said, "$180."
And i said, "i'll give you $250
'cause i realize this is a

And i said, "i'll give you $250
'cause i realize this is a
specialty thing you're doing."

'Cause i realize this is a
specialty thing you're doing."
And she goes, "i got one

Specialty thing you're doing."
And she goes, "i got one
question for you," and i said,

And she goes, "i got one
question for you," and i said,
"shoot," and she went...

Question for you," and i said,
"shoot," and she went...
"is he mentally retarded?"

"Shoot," and she went...
"is he mentally retarded?"
And i went...

"Is he mentally retarded?"
And i went...
"oh, yeah.

And i went...
"oh, yeah.
That's what i do.

"Oh, yeah.
That's what i do.
I find mentally retarded people

That's what i do.
I find mentally retarded people
and take them to prostitutes.

I find mentally retarded people
and take them to prostitutes.
I'll be masturbating in the

And take them to prostitutes.
I'll be masturbating in the
corner.

I'll be masturbating in the
corner.
He doesn't even know he's here."

Corner.
He doesn't even know he's here."
And she went, "okay, then, but

He doesn't even know he's here."
And she went, "okay, then, but
if there's two of you --"

And she went, "okay, then, but
if there's two of you --"
"No, he's not mentally retarded!

If there's two of you --"
"No, he's not mentally retarded!
It's his choice to come here!

"No, he's not mentally retarded!
It's his choice to come here!
There's a good chance he'll

It's his choice to come here!
There's a good chance he'll
die!"

There's a good chance he'll
die!"
And she went, "what am i meant

Die!"
And she went, "what am i meant
to do with him?"

And she went, "what am i meant
to do with him?"
And i went, "i don't know.

To do with him?"
And i went, "i don't know.
I've never been a hooker.

And i went, "i don't know.
I've never been a hooker.
But i'm thinking give him a bit

I've never been a hooker.
But i'm thinking give him a bit
of a show.

But i'm thinking give him a bit
of a show.
Dance it around a bit.

Of a show.
Dance it around a bit.
Rub your tits in his face.

Dance it around a bit.
Rub your tits in his face.
Then suck him off.

Rub your tits in his face.
Then suck him off.
But don't sit on him or fuck

Then suck him off.
But don't sit on him or fuck
him.

But don't sit on him or fuck
him.
It'll kill him."

Him.
It'll kill him."
So, we go up to the room, which,

It'll kill him."
So, we go up to the room, which,
thank god, was on the first

So, we go up to the room, which,
thank god, was on the first
floor.

Thank god, was on the first
floor.
And me and andrew look at dan

Floor.
And me and andrew look at dan
like two proud parents, watching

And me and andrew look at dan
like two proud parents, watching
our child go to school for the

Like two proud parents, watching
our child go to school for the
first time.

Our child go to school for the
first time.
And then we leave.

First time.
And then we leave.
And as we proceed to leave, i

And then we leave.
And as we proceed to leave, i
pat andrew on the back, and i

And as we proceed to leave, i
pat andrew on the back, and i
said, "andrew, you've been a

Pat andrew on the back, and i
said, "andrew, you've been a
good brother today."

Said, "andrew, you've been a
good brother today."
He said, "thanks, mate."

Good brother today."
He said, "thanks, mate."
Then we had a hug.

He said, "thanks, mate."
Then we had a hug.
And then we had that moment

Then we had a hug.
And then we had that moment
after our hug that australian

And then we had that moment
after our hug that australian
men have, where we go, "ah, get

After our hug that australian
men have, where we go, "ah, get
out of here.

Men have, where we go, "ah, get
out of here.
What's wrong with ya?"

Out of here.
What's wrong with ya?"
And then i said, "hey, andrew,

What's wrong with ya?"
And then i said, "hey, andrew,
how does dan get his clothes

And then i said, "hey, andrew,
how does dan get his clothes
off?"

How does dan get his clothes
off?"
And andrew went...

Off?"
And andrew went...
"fuck!"

And andrew went...
"fuck!"
And we went back in.

"Fuck!"
And we went back in.
Andrew looks him up and down,

And we went back in.
Andrew looks him up and down,
and he turns to me and goes,

Andrew looks him up and down,
and he turns to me and goes,
"look -- He's very fragile.

And he turns to me and goes,
"look -- He's very fragile.
I know how he likes to be

"Look -- He's very fragile.
I know how he likes to be
picked up.

I know how he likes to be
picked up.
I'll lift him up.

Picked up.
I'll lift him up.
You take his pants off."

I'll lift him up.
You take his pants off."
Andrew gets behind, lifts him up

You take his pants off."
Andrew gets behind, lifts him up
by his armpits -- Like i

Andrew gets behind, lifts him up
by his armpits -- Like i
couldn't have figured out their

By his armpits -- Like i
couldn't have figured out their
magical hold.

Couldn't have figured out their
magical hold.
I'm on my knees taking dan's

Magical hold.
I'm on my knees taking dan's
track-Suit pants off.

I'm on my knees taking dan's
track-Suit pants off.
He always wore track-Suit pants,

Track-Suit pants off.
He always wore track-Suit pants,
never got into fashion.

He always wore track-Suit pants,
never got into fashion.
And as i'm taking his track-Suit

Never got into fashion.
And as i'm taking his track-Suit
pants off, what many of you are

And as i'm taking his track-Suit
pants off, what many of you are
wondering is, "can dan get an

Pants off, what many of you are
wondering is, "can dan get an
erection?"

Wondering is, "can dan get an
erection?"
And the answer is, "yes."

Erection?"
And the answer is, "yes."
Even though none of the muscles

And the answer is, "yes."
Even though none of the muscles
in his body work, the cock is

Even though none of the muscles
in his body work, the cock is
not a muscle.

In his body work, the cock is
not a muscle.
The cock is a bit of skin that

Not a muscle.
The cock is a bit of skin that
fills with blood.

The cock is a bit of skin that
fills with blood.
If he gets aroused up here,

Fills with blood.
If he gets aroused up here,
blood will rush to there.

If he gets aroused up here,
blood will rush to there.
Now, what nobody knew about this

Blood will rush to there.
Now, what nobody knew about this
32-Year-Old virgin is that dan's

Now, what nobody knew about this
32-Year-Old virgin is that dan's
packing heat!

32-Year-Old virgin is that dan's
packing heat!
I'm talking 9 1/2 inches of

Packing heat!
I'm talking 9 1/2 inches of
disabled misery.

I'm talking 9 1/2 inches of
disabled misery.
This cock's so fucking big, i

Disabled misery.
This cock's so fucking big, i
think that's why the rest of his

This cock's so fucking big, i
think that's why the rest of his
muscles didn't work.

Think that's why the rest of his
muscles didn't work.
I take the pants off.

Muscles didn't work.
I take the pants off.
This thing springs up and hits

I take the pants off.
This thing springs up and hits
me in the mouth.

Then the hooker goes, "let's do
the light."
Let's explain the light.

The light."
Let's explain the light.
When they legalized prostitution

Let's explain the light.
When they legalized prostitution
in australia, they didn't

When they legalized prostitution
in australia, they didn't
legalize it in all forms.

In australia, they didn't
legalize it in all forms.
For instance, you cannot get a

Legalize it in all forms.
For instance, you cannot get a
street-Walking hooker.

For instance, you cannot get a
street-Walking hooker.
You cannot get a prostitute to

Street-Walking hooker.
You cannot get a prostitute to
your hotel room.

You cannot get a prostitute to
your hotel room.
You can only go to a brothel, in

Your hotel room.
You can only go to a brothel, in
a safe environment, where they

You can only go to a brothel, in
a safe environment, where they
have security for the girls in

A safe environment, where they
have security for the girls in
case a man shows up being a

Have security for the girls in
case a man shows up being a
drunken dickhead or whatever.

Case a man shows up being a
drunken dickhead or whatever.
And also it's safer for the

Drunken dickhead or whatever.
And also it's safer for the
people that go to brothels

And also it's safer for the
people that go to brothels
because the girls get tested for

People that go to brothels
because the girls get tested for
stds every month.

Because the girls get tested for
stds every month.
So, arguably, you're better off

Stds every month.
So, arguably, you're better off
in australia fucking a

So, arguably, you're better off
in australia fucking a
prostitute than picking up a

In australia fucking a
prostitute than picking up a
girl in a bar.

Prostitute than picking up a
girl in a bar.
But i'm not gonna have that

Girl in a bar.
But i'm not gonna have that
conversation again.

But i'm not gonna have that
conversation again.
All my -- You try explaining

Conversation again.
All my -- You try explaining
that to a girlfriend.

All my -- You try explaining
that to a girlfriend.
It's a fucking minefield.

That to a girlfriend.
It's a fucking minefield.
But also they make it safe for

It's a fucking minefield.
But also they make it safe for
the girls.

But also they make it safe for
the girls.
If you're a guy who goes to a

The girls.
If you're a guy who goes to a
prostitute, you have to undergo

If you're a guy who goes to a
prostitute, you have to undergo
the light.

Prostitute, you have to undergo
the light.
Let's explain the light.

The light.
Let's explain the light.
It's very simple.

Let's explain the light.
It's very simple.
It sounds like what it is.

It's very simple.
It sounds like what it is.
You put your cock under a very

It sounds like what it is.
You put your cock under a very
bright light, and they look

You put your cock under a very
bright light, and they look
around the shaft to see if

Bright light, and they look
around the shaft to see if
there's anything untoward.

Around the shaft to see if
there's anything untoward.
Then they get a magnifying glass

There's anything untoward.
Then they get a magnifying glass
out, go through your pubes to

Then they get a magnifying glass
out, go through your pubes to
make sure nothing's running

Out, go through your pubes to
make sure nothing's running
around.

Make sure nothing's running
around.
It's not a big deal.

Around.
It's not a big deal.
I've been rejected heaps of

It's not a big deal.
I've been rejected heaps of
times.

I've been rejected heaps of
times.
Now, the chair's here.

Times.
Now, the chair's here.
There's a bed here.

Now, the chair's here.
There's a bed here.
There's a hot tub there.

There's a bed here.
There's a hot tub there.
The light's over there.

There's a hot tub there.
The light's over there.
Now, we try to get the chair

The light's over there.
Now, we try to get the chair
past the bed and the hot tub,

Now, we try to get the chair
past the bed and the hot tub,
but we can't get it through.

Past the bed and the hot tub,
but we can't get it through.
So, me and andrew walk over to

But we can't get it through.
So, me and andrew walk over to
the hooker, and we're whispering

So, me and andrew walk over to
the hooker, and we're whispering
'cause we don't want dan to

The hooker, and we're whispering
'cause we don't want dan to
hear.

'Cause we don't want dan to
hear.
We're like, "um...we can't do

Hear.
We're like, "um...we can't do
the light thing."

We're like, "um...we can't do
the light thing."
And she goes, "if you don't do

The light thing."
And she goes, "if you don't do
the light, i'm not doing it."

And she goes, "if you don't do
the light, i'm not doing it."
And me and andrew went, "aw.

The light, i'm not doing it."
And me and andrew went, "aw.
Come on.

And me and andrew went, "aw.
Come on.
He's a virgin.

Come on.
He's a virgin.
What's the worst that could

He's a virgin.
What's the worst that could
happen?"

What's the worst that could
happen?"
And she whispered, "actually,

Happen?"
And she whispered, "actually,
i'm more concerned about his

And she whispered, "actually,
i'm more concerned about his
cleanliness."

I'm more concerned about his
cleanliness."
And then his brother andrew said

Cleanliness."
And then his brother andrew said
loudly and proudly, "i washed it

And then his brother andrew said
loudly and proudly, "i washed it
before we came out!"

Loudly and proudly, "i washed it
before we came out!"
Now, you may think you're a good

Before we came out!"
Now, you may think you're a good
brother, good sister, good

Now, you may think you're a good
brother, good sister, good
mother, good daughter, whatever

Brother, good sister, good
mother, good daughter, whatever
the fuck you think you are in

Mother, good daughter, whatever
the fuck you think you are in
this world, but you're nothing

The fuck you think you are in
this world, but you're nothing
until you've washed your

This world, but you're nothing
until you've washed your
disabled brother's cock to take

Until you've washed your
disabled brother's cock to take
him to a prostitute!

Disabled brother's cock to take
him to a prostitute!
That is love, ladies and

Him to a prostitute!
That is love, ladies and
gentlemen -- Tangible fucking

That is love, ladies and
gentlemen -- Tangible fucking
love.

Gentlemen -- Tangible fucking
love.
So, we looked at dan.

Love.
So, we looked at dan.
Everyone agreed it was time to

So, we looked at dan.
Everyone agreed it was time to
go.

Everyone agreed it was time to
go.
We looked at dan.

Go.
We looked at dan.
Me and andrew looked at him and

We looked at dan.
Me and andrew looked at him and
went, "we're going now, mate.

Me and andrew looked at him and
went, "we're going now, mate.
If you got anything you want to

Went, "we're going now, mate.
If you got anything you want to
say to us, say it now, 'cause,

If you got anything you want to
say to us, say it now, 'cause,
uh, we're gonna leave, mate."

Say to us, say it now, 'cause,
uh, we're gonna leave, mate."
And this is what dan did.

[ Imitates wheelchair whirring ]

"Leave!"
So, me and andrew went back down
to the bar, and we hanged out

So, me and andrew went back down
to the bar, and we hanged out
with the hookers.

To the bar, and we hanged out
with the hookers.
There was like 10 of them sort

With the hookers.
There was like 10 of them sort
of mulling around there.

There was like 10 of them sort
of mulling around there.
We're standing there.

Of mulling around there.
We're standing there.
We don't know what dan's up to,

We're standing there.
We don't know what dan's up to,
but we're standing around the

We don't know what dan's up to,
but we're standing around the
bar with all the hookers.

But we're standing around the
bar with all the hookers.
And then five guys from london

Bar with all the hookers.
And then five guys from london
walk into the bar, who are

And then five guys from london
walk into the bar, who are
obviously out of their fucking

Walk into the bar, who are
obviously out of their fucking
skulls on coke.

Obviously out of their fucking
skulls on coke.
Now, if you've never taken a

Skulls on coke.
Now, if you've never taken a
lot of coke, and i've --

Now, if you've never taken a
lot of coke, and i've --
[ Mumbles ]

Lot of coke, and i've --
[ Mumbles ]
if anyone's got any...

[ Mumbles ]
if anyone's got any...
[ mumbles ]

If anyone's got any...
[ mumbles ]
no, if you've never taken coke,

[ Mumbles ]
no, if you've never taken coke,
you don't -- When like five or

No, if you've never taken coke,
you don't -- When like five or
six guys get together and take

You don't -- When like five or
six guys get together and take
coke on, like, a tuesday, there

Six guys get together and take
coke on, like, a tuesday, there
comes a point at about 6:00 in

Coke on, like, a tuesday, there
comes a point at about 6:00 in
the morning when they go, "we

Comes a point at about 6:00 in
the morning when they go, "we
better call up some chicks,

The morning when they go, "we
better call up some chicks,
maybe --"

Better call up some chicks,
maybe --"
And you call up ex-Girlfriends,

Maybe --"
And you call up ex-Girlfriends,
like, "bring some friends, bring

And you call up ex-Girlfriends,
like, "bring some friends, bring
some friends."

Like, "bring some friends, bring
some friends."
And it's like -- I don't know

Some friends."
And it's like -- I don't know
what you're expecting.

And it's like -- I don't know
what you're expecting.
So, basically, this --

What you're expecting.
So, basically, this --
I think it was a wednesday we

So, basically, this --
I think it was a wednesday we
did this, and i think these guys

I think it was a wednesday we
did this, and i think these guys
had been on coke all night.

Did this, and i think these guys
had been on coke all night.
And they've obviously gone, "all

Had been on coke all night.
And they've obviously gone, "all
right, let's go down the

And they've obviously gone, "all
right, let's go down the
brothel.

Right, let's go down the
brothel.
We'll go down the brothel.

Brothel.
We'll go down the brothel.
It'll be fun.

We'll go down the brothel.
It'll be fun.
We'll go down the brothel."

It'll be fun.
We'll go down the brothel."
And i'm standing at the bar,

We'll go down the brothel."
And i'm standing at the bar,
chatting with all the hookers,

And i'm standing at the bar,
chatting with all the hookers,
and these five guys from london

Chatting with all the hookers,
and these five guys from london
walk in, and one of them

And these five guys from london
walk in, and one of them
recognizes me and goes,

Walk in, and one of them
recognizes me and goes,
"jim fucking jefferies,

Recognizes me and goes,
"jim fucking jefferies,
jim fucking jefferies.

"Jim fucking jefferies,
jim fucking jefferies.
I know you, mate. I know you.

Jim fucking jefferies.
I know you, mate. I know you.
You're the comedian -- The

I know you, mate. I know you.
You're the comedian -- The
'spaz approved' guy, australian

You're the comedian -- The
'spaz approved' guy, australian
comedian."

'Spaz approved' guy, australian
comedian."
And i went, "hey, how you doing,

Comedian."
And i went, "hey, how you doing,
man?"

And i went, "hey, how you doing,
man?"
He goes, "hey, jim, jim, jim,

Man?"
He goes, "hey, jim, jim, jim,
jim, jim, jim...

He goes, "hey, jim, jim, jim,
jim, jim, jim...
want a line of coke?"

Jim, jim, jim...
want a line of coke?"
And i went, "yes."

Want a line of coke?"
And i went, "yes."
And i went up to the toilet

And i went, "yes."
And i went up to the toilet
and did a line of coke.

And i went up to the toilet
and did a line of coke.
And i come back out, and,

And did a line of coke.
And i come back out, and,
obviously, i've left andrew

And i come back out, and,
obviously, i've left andrew
alone for too long, and he's

Obviously, i've left andrew
alone for too long, and he's
sort of panicking all by

Alone for too long, and he's
sort of panicking all by
himself.

Sort of panicking all by
himself.
And i sort of walk in, like...

Himself.
And i sort of walk in, like...
"what's wrong?"

And i sort of walk in, like...
"what's wrong?"
And he goes, "what if we've done

"What's wrong?"
And he goes, "what if we've done
the wrong thing here?

And he goes, "what if we've done
the wrong thing here?
What if he's in there dying

The wrong thing here?
What if he's in there dying
right now?

What if he's in there dying
right now?
What if he stopped fucking

Right now?
What if he stopped fucking
breathing or -- What the fuck --

What if he stopped fucking
breathing or -- What the fuck --
Or his heart stopped?

Breathing or -- What the fuck --
Or his heart stopped?
What the fuck are we meant to

Or his heart stopped?
What the fuck are we meant to
do?"

What the fuck are we meant to
do?"
I said, "uh, not a problem,

Do?"
I said, "uh, not a problem,
not a problem.

I said, "uh, not a problem,
not a problem.
Um...

Not a problem.
Um...
i'll resuscitate him."

Um...
i'll resuscitate him."
And he said, "do you know how to

I'll resuscitate him."
And he said, "do you know how to
do that?"

And he said, "do you know how to
do that?"
And i said, "no, i don't, but

Do that?"
And i said, "no, i don't, but
how hard could it be?

And i said, "no, i don't, but
how hard could it be?
Push, push, blow, blow."

How hard could it be?
Push, push, blow, blow."
[ Chuckles ]

Push, push, blow, blow."
[ Chuckles ]
i haven't embellished that in

[ Chuckles ]
i haven't embellished that in
the slightest.

I haven't embellished that in
the slightest.
That's the exact thing i said

The slightest.
That's the exact thing i said
to him -- "Push, push, blow,

That's the exact thing i said
to him -- "Push, push, blow,
blow."

To him -- "Push, push, blow,
blow."
Then the prostitute walks back

Blow."
Then the prostitute walks back
in the room, who was with dan.

Then the prostitute walks back
in the room, who was with dan.
So, i'm standing with the 5 coke

In the room, who was with dan.
So, i'm standing with the 5 coke
fiends, 10 prostitutes.

So, i'm standing with the 5 coke
fiends, 10 prostitutes.
She walks in the room.

Fiends, 10 prostitutes.
She walks in the room.
It's like that moment in a movie

She walks in the room.
It's like that moment in a movie
where the needle on the record

It's like that moment in a movie
where the needle on the record
just sort of goes...

Where the needle on the record
just sort of goes...
[ imitates record scratching ]

Just sort of goes...
[ imitates record scratching ]
and everything stopped.

[ Imitates record scratching ]
and everything stopped.
And she walked in, and she said,

And everything stopped.
And she walked in, and she said,
"well...it's over."

And she walked in, and she said,
"well...it's over."
And me and andrew, in unison,

"Well...it's over."
And me and andrew, in unison,
went...

And me and andrew, in unison,
went...
"is he dead?"

And her exact words were,
"oh, i didn't check that."
So, me, andrew, the 5 coke

"Oh, i didn't check that."
So, me, andrew, the 5 coke
fiends, the 10 hookers -- We

So, me, andrew, the 5 coke
fiends, the 10 hookers -- We
all run to the room.

Fiends, the 10 hookers -- We
all run to the room.
No, he's not dead!

All run to the room.
No, he's not dead!
His chair's back in the upright

No, he's not dead!
His chair's back in the upright
position.

His chair's back in the upright
position.
His cock is still sitting up,

Position.
His cock is still sitting up,
majestically, covered in jizz

His cock is still sitting up,
majestically, covered in jizz
and spit.

Majestically, covered in jizz
and spit.
But for a man who an hour ago

And spit.
But for a man who an hour ago
couldn't lift his eyelids, he

But for a man who an hour ago
couldn't lift his eyelids, he
was sitting there like this.

Couldn't lift his eyelids, he
was sitting there like this.
[ Applause ]

Was sitting there like this.
[ Applause ]
now, you might be wondering why

[ Applause ]
now, you might be wondering why
his eyelids were up like that.

Now, you might be wondering why
his eyelids were up like that.
Let me explain something.

His eyelids were up like that.
Let me explain something.
It wasn't through happiness.

Let me explain something.
It wasn't through happiness.
Tell you something about myself.

It wasn't through happiness.
Tell you something about myself.
I'm 33 years old.

Tell you something about myself.
I'm 33 years old.
I've been masturbating since i

I'm 33 years old.
I've been masturbating since i
was 10 years old.

I've been masturbating since i
was 10 years old.
And in that time, i have not

Was 10 years old.
And in that time, i have not
missed a day.

And in that time, i have not
missed a day.
Every single day, i masturbate.

Missed a day.
Every single day, i masturbate.
Haven't missed a fucking day.

Every single day, i masturbate.
Haven't missed a fucking day.
Every day, i'm in a hotel room

Haven't missed a fucking day.
Every day, i'm in a hotel room
with a laptop way high up on my

Every day, i'm in a hotel room
with a laptop way high up on my
chest here, so i don't have to

With a laptop way high up on my
chest here, so i don't have to
look at the filth i'm doing to

Chest here, so i don't have to
look at the filth i'm doing to
myself.

Look at the filth i'm doing to
myself.
So, i'm watching porn here.

Myself.
So, i'm watching porn here.
And 9 times out of 10, i hit the

So, i'm watching porn here.
And 9 times out of 10, i hit the
apple sign, right?

And 9 times out of 10, i hit the
apple sign, right?
[ Applause ]

Apple sign, right?
[ Applause ]
and i do this every single

[ Applause ]
and i do this every single
fucking day.

And i do this every single
fucking day.
Yet i would be mortified if any

Fucking day.
Yet i would be mortified if any
one of you was to ever see me

Yet i would be mortified if any
one of you was to ever see me
doing this.

One of you was to ever see me
doing this.
I would want to fucking kill

Doing this.
I would want to fucking kill
myself.

I would want to fucking kill
myself.
And i do this every single

Myself.
And i do this every single
fucking day.

And i do this every single
fucking day.
Now, imagine if you've never

Fucking day.
Now, imagine if you've never
ejaculated through the power of

Now, imagine if you've never
ejaculated through the power of
yourself, you've never had

Ejaculated through the power of
yourself, you've never had
another person do it, you're

Yourself, you've never had
another person do it, you're
32 years old, and for the first

Another person do it, you're
32 years old, and for the first
time you've shot a load of

32 years old, and for the first
time you've shot a load of
fucking stale jizz all over the

Time you've shot a load of
fucking stale jizz all over the
fucking room and you're sitting

Fucking stale jizz all over the
fucking room and you're sitting
there with your cock out and 15

Fucking room and you're sitting
there with your cock out and 15
strangers walks in and you do

There with your cock out and 15
strangers walks in and you do
not possess the power to put

Strangers walks in and you do
not possess the power to put
your cock away.

Not possess the power to put
your cock away.
Can you see how that might be a

Your cock away.
Can you see how that might be a
bit unhinging?

Can you see how that might be a
bit unhinging?
So, we had to get him dressed

Bit unhinging?
So, we had to get him dressed
quickly.

So, we had to get him dressed
quickly.
But there's come everywhere.

Quickly.
But there's come everywhere.
And this time, i look him up and

But there's come everywhere.
And this time, i look him up and
down.

And this time, i look him up and
down.
And i turned to andrew and said,

Down.
And i turned to andrew and said,
"andrew, i don't give a fuck how

And i turned to andrew and said,
"andrew, i don't give a fuck how
fragile he is.

"Andrew, i don't give a fuck how
fragile he is.
I'm taking the top half this

Fragile he is.
I'm taking the top half this
time."

I'm taking the top half this
time."
And we lifted him up...

Time."
And we lifted him up...
and we put his pants on and we

And we lifted him up...
and we put his pants on and we
proceeded to leave the brothel.

And we put his pants on and we
proceeded to leave the brothel.
Now, as we left the brothel, i

Proceeded to leave the brothel.
Now, as we left the brothel, i
turned to dan.

Now, as we left the brothel, i
turned to dan.
I said, "dan, i paid for a

Turned to dan.
I said, "dan, i paid for a
story.

I said, "dan, i paid for a
story.
Please tell me what happened."

Story.
Please tell me what happened."
And he said, "well, she danced

Please tell me what happened."
And he said, "well, she danced
around a bit, rubbed her tits in

And he said, "well, she danced
around a bit, rubbed her tits in
my face, and sucked me off,"

Around a bit, rubbed her tits in
my face, and sucked me off,"
which is what i asked her to do.

My face, and sucked me off,"
which is what i asked her to do.
It's so nice to be a disabled

Which is what i asked her to do.
It's so nice to be a disabled
sex puppeteer.

It's so nice to be a disabled
sex puppeteer.
But even nicer than that --

Sex puppeteer.
But even nicer than that --
I used to have a preconceived

But even nicer than that --
I used to have a preconceived
notion on what i thought about

I used to have a preconceived
notion on what i thought about
people such as prostitutes, man,

Notion on what i thought about
people such as prostitutes, man,
but i was wrong.

People such as prostitutes, man,
but i was wrong.
That woman treated him with

But i was wrong.
That woman treated him with
dignity and respect and made him

That woman treated him with
dignity and respect and made him
feel like a sexual being for the

Dignity and respect and made him
feel like a sexual being for the
only time in his life.

Feel like a sexual being for the
only time in his life.
And you can't put a price on

Only time in his life.
And you can't put a price on
that, all right?

And you can't put a price on
that, all right?
Well, $180 is the -- The

That, all right?
Well, $180 is the -- The
exact -- The exact figure.

Then we go out front, and we go
to call a taxi, and the taxi
driver who drove us there is

To call a taxi, and the taxi
driver who drove us there is
still sitting out the front in

Driver who drove us there is
still sitting out the front in
his car.

Still sitting out the front in
his car.
And he winds his window down and

His car.
And he winds his window down and
looks out and goes, "i'll drive

And he winds his window down and
looks out and goes, "i'll drive
you home for free.

Looks out and goes, "i'll drive
you home for free.
I just need to know what

You home for free.
I just need to know what
happened."

I just need to know what
happened."
Thank you very much, ladies and

Happened."
Thank you very much, ladies and
gentlemen.

Thank you very much, ladies and
gentlemen.
Good night.

Gentlemen.
Good night.
[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Rock music plays ]

[ Speaking indistinctly ]

Hey!

Hey!
ś she's an natural mover

ś she's an natural mover
ś ah

ś ah
ś does it like a hoover

ś does it like a hoover
ś ah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

ś ah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah ś