WEBVTT

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[ Horn honks ]

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[ Indistinct conversations ]
[ scattered cheers and
applause ]

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[ Rock music plays ]
fuck.

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[ Speaking indistinctly ]
[ laughs ]
ladies and gentlemen, this

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[ Laughs ]
ladies and gentlemen, this
is your cue to start clapping,

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Ladies and gentlemen, this
is your cue to start clapping,
start cheering, start whooping,

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Is your cue to start clapping,
start cheering, start whooping,
and welcome to the stage

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Start cheering, start whooping,
and welcome to the stage
jim jefferies!

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And welcome to the stage
jim jefferies!
[ Cheers and applause ]

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Hello.

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Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you for coming to my show,
"alcoholocaust."

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Thank you for coming to my show,
"alcoholocaust."
[ Laughing ] fucking look at

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"Alcoholocaust."
[ Laughing ] fucking look at
this big theater, man.

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[ Laughing ] fucking look at
this big theater, man.
I appreciate you coming out.

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This big theater, man.
I appreciate you coming out.
People who are watching this at

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I appreciate you coming out.
People who are watching this at
home might know that this is a

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People who are watching this at
home might know that this is a
fucking monday night, so i

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Home might know that this is a
fucking monday night, so i
appreciate how many people have

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Fucking monday night, so i
appreciate how many people have
come.

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Appreciate how many people have
come.
I realize that in this economy,

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Come.
I realize that in this economy,
tickets for things such as

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I realize that in this economy,
tickets for things such as
comedy shows aren't that cheap

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Tickets for things such as
comedy shows aren't that cheap
for men.

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Comedy shows aren't that cheap
for men.
For women, same price they've

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For men.
For women, same price they've
always fucking been, aren't

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For women, same price they've
always fucking been, aren't
they?

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Always fucking been, aren't
they?
Women don't pay for things like

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They?
Women don't pay for things like
this.

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Women don't pay for things like
this.
There's women in this room have

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This.
There's women in this room have
no fucking idea how much the

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There's women in this room have
no fucking idea how much the
ticket for this show cost.

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No fucking idea how much the
ticket for this show cost.
No fucking idea!

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Ticket for this show cost.
No fucking idea!
Your husband came home, said,

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No fucking idea!
Your husband came home, said,
"remember, we're seeing

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Your husband came home, said,
"remember, we're seeing
jim jefferies," you said, "who?"

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"Remember, we're seeing
jim jefferies," you said, "who?"
And now you're fucking here.

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Jim jefferies," you said, "who?"
And now you're fucking here.
Women don't pay.

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And now you're fucking here.
Women don't pay.
Basically, women are a bunch of

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Women don't pay.
Basically, women are a bunch of
cunts.

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Basically, women are a bunch of
cunts.
To summarize, women are cunts.

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Cunts.
To summarize, women are cunts.
See, and i don't know if women

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To summarize, women are cunts.
See, and i don't know if women
even know that drinks cost

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See, and i don't know if women
even know that drinks cost
money, you know?

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Even know that drinks cost
money, you know?
Ugly chicks know.

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Money, you know?
Ugly chicks know.
If you know that drinks cost

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Ugly chicks know.
If you know that drinks cost
money, you're a fucking ugly

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If you know that drinks cost
money, you're a fucking ugly
bitch, but otherwise, you're a

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Money, you're a fucking ugly
bitch, but otherwise, you're a
good-Looking girl.

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Bitch, but otherwise, you're a
good-Looking girl.
Good luck to you.

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Good-Looking girl.
Good luck to you.
See, my birthday's on

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Good luck to you.
See, my birthday's on
valentine's day, so even on my

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See, my birthday's on
valentine's day, so even on my
fucking birthday i'm buying some

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Valentine's day, so even on my
fucking birthday i'm buying some
bitch dinner.

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Fucking birthday i'm buying some
bitch dinner.
If i meet a nice girl and i'm in

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Bitch dinner.
If i meet a nice girl and i'm in
a restaurant and the check comes

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If i meet a nice girl and i'm in
a restaurant and the check comes
and i put the credit card

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A restaurant and the check comes
and i put the credit card
down -- And she's a nice girl --

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And i put the credit card
down -- And she's a nice girl --
She'll do the purse grab.

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Down -- And she's a nice girl --
She'll do the purse grab.
And if i go, "no, no, no, it's

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She'll do the purse grab.
And if i go, "no, no, no, it's
okay," she's very quick to give

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And if i go, "no, no, no, it's
okay," she's very quick to give
up on that argument.

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Okay," she's very quick to give
up on that argument.
Other arguments, she can keep

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Up on that argument.
Other arguments, she can keep
going for fucking years, but

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Other arguments, she can keep
going for fucking years, but
that one she's ever so gracious

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Going for fucking years, but
that one she's ever so gracious
about.

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That one she's ever so gracious
about.
This is why i think i'd like

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About.
This is why i think i'd like
to be gay.

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This is why i think i'd like
to be gay.
I think gay would be a good move

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To be gay.
I think gay would be a good move
for me.

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I think gay would be a good move
for me.
I wouldn't enjoy the sex.

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For me.
I wouldn't enjoy the sex.
I'd have to get through the sex.

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I wouldn't enjoy the sex.
I'd have to get through the sex.
I would have a cock in my mouth,

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I'd have to get through the sex.
I would have a cock in my mouth,
with tears streaming down my

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I would have a cock in my mouth,
with tears streaming down my
face.

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With tears streaming down my
face.
And as the jizz hit the back of

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Face.
And as the jizz hit the back of
my throat, i'd be thinking of my

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And as the jizz hit the back of
my throat, i'd be thinking of my
happy place, but it'd be

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My throat, i'd be thinking of my
happy place, but it'd be
worthwhile just so i could split

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Happy place, but it'd be
worthwhile just so i could split
the occasional bill.

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Worthwhile just so i could split
the occasional bill.
[ Cheers and applause ]

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The occasional bill.
[ Cheers and applause ]
that's why gay guys are happy,

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[ Cheers and applause ]
that's why gay guys are happy,
and that's why lesbians are

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That's why gay guys are happy,
and that's why lesbians are
fucking miserable.

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And that's why lesbians are
fucking miserable.
Lesbians are fucking miserable

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Fucking miserable.
Lesbians are fucking miserable
people 'cause they have to hang

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Lesbians are fucking miserable
people 'cause they have to hang
out with women all day.

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People 'cause they have to hang
out with women all day.
It must be fucking horrible.

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Out with women all day.
It must be fucking horrible.
They must just be sitting there

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It must be fucking horrible.
They must just be sitting there
at dinner, going, "i'm not gonna

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They must just be sitting there
at dinner, going, "i'm not gonna
pay for this bitch.

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At dinner, going, "i'm not gonna
pay for this bitch.
I've just worn my best plaid

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Pay for this bitch.
I've just worn my best plaid
shirt and shaved my head.

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I've just worn my best plaid
shirt and shaved my head.
She better treat me like a

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Shirt and shaved my head.
She better treat me like a
princess."

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She better treat me like a
princess."
Now, if there's any lesbians in

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Princess."
Now, if there's any lesbians in
the room -- And i assume there's

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Now, if there's any lesbians in
the room -- And i assume there's
not, because laughter's not your

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The room -- And i assume there's
not, because laughter's not your
thing -- But if there is, i'd

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Not, because laughter's not your
thing -- But if there is, i'd
like to apologize for that last

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Thing -- But if there is, i'd
like to apologize for that last
joke.

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Like to apologize for that last
joke.
But if you hate men so much,

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Joke.
But if you hate men so much,
stop trying to look like them.

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But if you hate men so much,
stop trying to look like them.
You never see a jew dressed as

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Stop trying to look like them.
You never see a jew dressed as
a nazi.

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You never see a jew dressed as
a nazi.
[ Cheers and applause ]

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See, i did that joke in america.
I said lesbians have no sense of
humor and they're not fun or

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I said lesbians have no sense of
humor and they're not fun or
whatever.

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Humor and they're not fun or
whatever.
And these two lesbians stood up

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Whatever.
And these two lesbians stood up
and stormed out of the room as

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And these two lesbians stood up
and stormed out of the room as
if to prove my point.

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And stormed out of the room as
if to prove my point.
They're just not fun people.

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If to prove my point.
They're just not fun people.
Gay guys are fun.

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They're just not fun people.
Gay guys are fun.
I don't care how homophobic you

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Gay guys are fun.
I don't care how homophobic you
are.

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I don't care how homophobic you
are.
If you're holding a dinner party

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Are.
If you're holding a dinner party
and a gay guy shows up, you get

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If you're holding a dinner party
and a gay guy shows up, you get
a little bit excited, don't you?

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And a gay guy shows up, you get
a little bit excited, don't you?
You're like, "oh, fucking a

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A little bit excited, don't you?
You're like, "oh, fucking a
gay guy.

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You're like, "oh, fucking a
gay guy.
Oh, strap yourself in, love, eh?

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Gay guy.
Oh, strap yourself in, love, eh?
We got a live one."

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Oh, strap yourself in, love, eh?
We got a live one."
Right?

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We got a live one."
Right?
But if you're holding a dinner

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Right?
But if you're holding a dinner
party and a lesbian shows up,

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But if you're holding a dinner
party and a lesbian shows up,
you're just like, "aw, fuck me.

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Party and a lesbian shows up,
you're just like, "aw, fuck me.
All i wanted to do was relax and

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You're just like, "aw, fuck me.
All i wanted to do was relax and
play pictionary.

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All i wanted to do was relax and
play pictionary.
She's drawing something

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Play pictionary.
She's drawing something
political."

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She's drawing something
political."
[ Chuckles ]

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Political."
[ Chuckles ]
you can't even point lesbians

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[ Chuckles ]
you can't even point lesbians
out, and they're so fucking

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You can't even point lesbians
out, and they're so fucking
obvious.

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Out, and they're so fucking
obvious.
They're so obvi-- But you can't

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Obvious.
They're so obvi-- But you can't
point them out.

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They're so obvi-- But you can't
point them out.
If you saw, like, fucking --

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Point them out.
If you saw, like, fucking --
If i see like two lesbians in

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If you saw, like, fucking --
If i see like two lesbians in
the audience and go, "excuse me,

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If i see like two lesbians in
the audience and go, "excuse me,
are you lesbians?" They'll be

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The audience and go, "excuse me,
are you lesbians?" They'll be
like, "what?

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Are you lesbians?" They'll be
like, "what?
What the fuck? What?

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Like, "what?
What the fuck? What?
What do you mean by that?"

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What the fuck? What?
What do you mean by that?"
Right?

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What do you mean by that?"
Right?
But if i see two gay guys in the

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Right?
But if i see two gay guys in the
audience and go, "excuse me --

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But if i see two gay guys in the
audience and go, "excuse me --
Are you gay guys?" They'll go

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Audience and go, "excuse me --
Are you gay guys?" They'll go
[ singsong voice ] "guilty!"

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Are you gay guys?" They'll go
[ singsong voice ] "guilty!"
[ Normal voice ] 'cause gay guys

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[ Singsong voice ] "guilty!"
[ Normal voice ] 'cause gay guys
fucking love being gay.

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[ Normal voice ] 'cause gay guys
fucking love being gay.
The word "gay" comes from

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Fucking love being gay.
The word "gay" comes from
"happy."

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The word "gay" comes from
"happy."
They like fucking men in the ass

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"Happy."
They like fucking men in the ass
so much, they've called it

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They like fucking men in the ass
so much, they've called it
"happy."

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So much, they've called it
"happy."
I-I have been a heterosexual my

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"Happy."
I-I have been a heterosexual my
whole life.

00:05:39.640 --> 00:05:41.573
I-I have been a heterosexual my
whole life.
I would not call the experience

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Whole life.
I would not call the experience
"happy."

00:05:42.276 --> 00:05:44.142
I would not call the experience
"happy."
I would call it a struggle, at

00:05:44.144 --> 00:05:48.347
"Happy."
I would call it a struggle, at
best.

00:05:48.349 --> 00:05:50.449
I would call it a struggle, at
best.
I'll tell you another reason why

00:05:50.451 --> 00:05:52.351
Best.
I'll tell you another reason why
it must be awesome to be a gay

00:05:52.353 --> 00:05:52.884
I'll tell you another reason why
it must be awesome to be a gay
guy.

00:05:52.886 --> 00:05:54.886
It must be awesome to be a gay
guy.
It must be wonderful to be in a

00:05:54.888 --> 00:05:56.755
Guy.
It must be wonderful to be in a
relationship where, if you're

00:05:56.757 --> 00:05:58.757
It must be wonderful to be in a
relationship where, if you're
partner's being a dickhead, you

00:05:58.759 --> 00:06:03.729
Relationship where, if you're
partner's being a dickhead, you
can punch him in the head.

00:06:03.731 --> 00:06:05.364
Partner's being a dickhead, you
can punch him in the head.
Hasn't that got to give your

00:06:05.366 --> 00:06:06.798
Can punch him in the head.
Hasn't that got to give your
relationship a whole new

00:06:06.800 --> 00:06:07.532
Hasn't that got to give your
relationship a whole new
dimension?

00:06:07.534 --> 00:06:09.267
Relationship a whole new
dimension?
I can't tell you the amount of

00:06:09.269 --> 00:06:10.969
Dimension?
I can't tell you the amount of
arguments i've had with women

00:06:10.971 --> 00:06:12.738
I can't tell you the amount of
arguments i've had with women
that could have been sorted out

00:06:12.740 --> 00:06:16.541
Arguments i've had with women
that could have been sorted out
quicker with a punch.

00:06:16.543 --> 00:06:20.746
That could have been sorted out
quicker with a punch.
And while we're on the subject

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Quicker with a punch.
And while we're on the subject
of domestic violence --

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And while we're on the subject
of domestic violence --
It's a horrible thing.

00:06:25.986 --> 00:06:28.186
Of domestic violence --
It's a horrible thing.
Of course it is, and...

00:06:28.188 --> 00:06:32.824
It's a horrible thing.
Of course it is, and...
now, you ever met a woman who's,

00:06:32.826 --> 00:06:34.192
Of course it is, and...
now, you ever met a woman who's,
like, been married like four

00:06:34.194 --> 00:06:35.727
Now, you ever met a woman who's,
like, been married like four
times and she's like, "i guess i

00:06:35.729 --> 00:06:37.162
Like, been married like four
times and she's like, "i guess i
just choose the wrong type of

00:06:37.164 --> 00:06:37.562
Times and she's like, "i guess i
just choose the wrong type of
men"?

00:06:37.564 --> 00:06:39.531
Just choose the wrong type of
men"?
"I've been married four times,

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Men"?
"I've been married four times,
and all my husbands beat me."

00:06:41.435 --> 00:06:43.368
"I've been married four times,
and all my husbands beat me."
And you're like, "all of them?

00:06:43.370 --> 00:06:44.169
And all my husbands beat me."
And you're like, "all of them?
All four?

00:06:44.171 --> 00:06:46.571
And you're like, "all of them?
All four?
One, two, three, fucking four?

00:06:46.573 --> 00:06:48.106
All four?
One, two, three, fucking four?
They all beat you?

00:06:48.108 --> 00:06:49.274
One, two, three, fucking four?
They all beat you?
Someone doesn't know when to

00:06:49.276 --> 00:06:52.177
They all beat you?
Someone doesn't know when to
shut the fuck up, now, do they?"

00:06:52.179 --> 00:06:56.014
Someone doesn't know when to
shut the fuck up, now, do they?"
'Cause i'm a tolerant man.

00:06:56.016 --> 00:06:58.016
Shut the fuck up, now, do they?"
'Cause i'm a tolerant man.
I'll give anyone three, but

00:06:58.018 --> 00:07:00.385
'Cause i'm a tolerant man.
I'll give anyone three, but
four?

00:07:00.387 --> 00:07:02.187
I'll give anyone three, but
four?
You're a fucking button-Pusher.

00:07:02.189 --> 00:07:05.123
Four?
You're a fucking button-Pusher.
Come on.

00:07:05.125 --> 00:07:07.459
You're a fucking button-Pusher.
Come on.
That's a nice, cheery way to

00:07:07.461 --> 00:07:13.198
Come on.
That's a nice, cheery way to
start the show.

00:07:13.200 --> 00:07:14.766
That's a nice, cheery way to
start the show.
I do a lot of gigs -- Well, not

00:07:14.768 --> 00:07:16.201
Start the show.
I do a lot of gigs -- Well, not
a lot -- I do some gigs out in

00:07:16.203 --> 00:07:17.736
I do a lot of gigs -- Well, not
a lot -- I do some gigs out in
iraq and afghanistan and stuff

00:07:17.738 --> 00:07:19.304
A lot -- I do some gigs out in
iraq and afghanistan and stuff
like that, which, if i was in an

00:07:19.306 --> 00:07:20.839
Iraq and afghanistan and stuff
like that, which, if i was in an
american crowd right now, they'd

00:07:20.841 --> 00:07:22.574
Like that, which, if i was in an
american crowd right now, they'd
go, "whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah!"

00:07:22.576 --> 00:07:24.009
American crowd right now, they'd
go, "whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
But i'm not, so i can be honest

00:07:24.011 --> 00:07:24.543
Go, "whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
But i'm not, so i can be honest
with you.

00:07:24.545 --> 00:07:25.410
But i'm not, so i can be honest
with you.
I do it for money.

00:07:25.412 --> 00:07:30.315
With you.
I do it for money.
Um, the first time --

00:07:30.317 --> 00:07:32.918
I do it for money.
Um, the first time --
Over there it's like i'm king.

00:07:32.920 --> 00:07:34.686
Um, the first time --
Over there it's like i'm king.
The first time i go do a gig in

00:07:34.688 --> 00:07:36.488
Over there it's like i'm king.
The first time i go do a gig in
iraq, they fly me and my manager

00:07:36.490 --> 00:07:37.923
The first time i go do a gig in
iraq, they fly me and my manager
in a passenger plane into

00:07:37.925 --> 00:07:38.490
Iraq, they fly me and my manager
in a passenger plane into
kuwait.

00:07:38.492 --> 00:07:40.692
In a passenger plane into
kuwait.
Now, it turns out that kuwait is

00:07:40.694 --> 00:07:42.761
Kuwait.
Now, it turns out that kuwait is
a regular country that anyone

00:07:42.763 --> 00:07:45.464
Now, it turns out that kuwait is
a regular country that anyone
can visit.

00:07:45.466 --> 00:07:47.499
A regular country that anyone
can visit.
Then a military truck gets me

00:07:47.501 --> 00:07:49.501
Can visit.
Then a military truck gets me
and my manager and drives us

00:07:49.503 --> 00:07:51.703
Then a military truck gets me
and my manager and drives us
over the border into iraq and

00:07:51.705 --> 00:07:52.771
And my manager and drives us
over the border into iraq and
drops us off.

00:07:52.773 --> 00:07:54.306
Over the border into iraq and
drops us off.
And we're standing in the middle

00:07:54.308 --> 00:07:55.574
Drops us off.
And we're standing in the middle
of the desert of a war-Torn

00:07:55.576 --> 00:07:56.107
And we're standing in the middle
of the desert of a war-Torn
country.

00:07:56.109 --> 00:07:57.409
Of the desert of a war-Torn
country.
We can't see anything on the

00:07:57.411 --> 00:07:57.943
Country.
We can't see anything on the
horizon.

00:07:57.945 --> 00:07:59.411
We can't see anything on the
horizon.
And i turn to my manager and go,

00:07:59.413 --> 00:08:04.282
Horizon.
And i turn to my manager and go,
"good booking, fuckface."

00:08:04.284 --> 00:08:06.218
And i turn to my manager and go,
"good booking, fuckface."
And then this helicopter comes

00:08:06.220 --> 00:08:08.253
"Good booking, fuckface."
And then this helicopter comes
in over the horizon and lands in

00:08:08.255 --> 00:08:10.222
And then this helicopter comes
in over the horizon and lands in
front of us, and the blades are

00:08:10.224 --> 00:08:11.156
In over the horizon and lands in
front of us, and the blades are
still going.

00:08:11.158 --> 00:08:13.024
Front of us, and the blades are
still going.
And this soldier runs off and

00:08:13.026 --> 00:08:14.259
Still going.
And this soldier runs off and
goes, "excuse me!

00:08:14.261 --> 00:08:15.794
And this soldier runs off and
goes, "excuse me!
Are you jim jefferies?"

00:08:15.796 --> 00:08:17.429
Goes, "excuse me!
Are you jim jefferies?"
And i went, "what other white

00:08:17.431 --> 00:08:19.197
Are you jim jefferies?"
And i went, "what other white
cunt were you looking for in the

00:08:19.199 --> 00:08:25.136
And i went, "what other white
cunt were you looking for in the
desert at this exact location?"

00:08:25.138 --> 00:08:26.805
Cunt were you looking for in the
desert at this exact location?"
Then he hands me my bulletproof

00:08:26.807 --> 00:08:27.906
Desert at this exact location?"
Then he hands me my bulletproof
vest and my helmet.

00:08:27.908 --> 00:08:29.341
Then he hands me my bulletproof
vest and my helmet.
He's obviously wearing his

00:08:29.343 --> 00:08:31.042
Vest and my helmet.
He's obviously wearing his
bulletproof vest and his helmet.

00:08:31.044 --> 00:08:32.844
He's obviously wearing his
bulletproof vest and his helmet.
His are camouflaged.

00:08:32.846 --> 00:08:35.614
Bulletproof vest and his helmet.
His are camouflaged.
Mine?

00:08:35.616 --> 00:08:38.250
His are camouflaged.
Mine?
Fucking blue.

00:08:38.251 --> 00:08:39.551
Mine?
Fucking blue.
And i said, "why do i have a

00:08:39.553 --> 00:08:40.619
Fucking blue.
And i said, "why do i have a
blue vest and helmet?"

00:08:40.621 --> 00:08:41.953
And i said, "why do i have a
blue vest and helmet?"
He said, "that's so the enemy

00:08:41.955 --> 00:08:43.121
Blue vest and helmet?"
He said, "that's so the enemy
know you're a civilian."

00:08:43.123 --> 00:08:44.489
He said, "that's so the enemy
know you're a civilian."
I'm like, "does the enemy give

00:08:44.491 --> 00:08:46.258
Know you're a civilian."
I'm like, "does the enemy give
a shit?

00:08:46.260 --> 00:08:47.893
I'm like, "does the enemy give
a shit?
That's my main concern, because

00:08:47.895 --> 00:08:49.327
A shit?
That's my main concern, because
i've never been a sniper."

00:08:49.329 --> 00:08:50.829
That's my main concern, because
i've never been a sniper."
But every time i got off the

00:08:50.831 --> 00:08:52.497
I've never been a sniper."
But every time i got off the
helicopter, i was surrounded by

00:08:52.499 --> 00:08:53.798
But every time i got off the
helicopter, i was surrounded by
soldiers protecting me.

00:08:53.800 --> 00:08:55.467
Helicopter, i was surrounded by
soldiers protecting me.
If i was a sniper, i'd be like,

00:08:55.469 --> 00:08:56.768
Soldiers protecting me.
If i was a sniper, i'd be like,
"the cunt in blue looks

00:08:56.770 --> 00:08:57.502
If i was a sniper, i'd be like,
"the cunt in blue looks
important."

00:08:57.504 --> 00:08:57.969
"The cunt in blue looks
important."
Right?

00:08:57.971 --> 00:09:02.240
Important."
Right?
So...we got in this helicopter.

00:09:02.242 --> 00:09:04.543
Right?
So...we got in this helicopter.
[ Laughs ]

00:09:04.545 --> 00:09:06.011
So...we got in this helicopter.
[ Laughs ]
and we're sitting in this

00:09:06.013 --> 00:09:06.645
[ Laughs ]
and we're sitting in this
chopper.

00:09:06.647 --> 00:09:08.346
And we're sitting in this
chopper.
That's what we call them in the

00:09:08.348 --> 00:09:09.414
Chopper.
That's what we call them in the
biz -- "Chopper."

00:09:09.416 --> 00:09:10.315
That's what we call them in the
biz -- "Chopper."
And i'm sitting here.

00:09:10.317 --> 00:09:11.516
Biz -- "Chopper."
And i'm sitting here.
And i got two soldiers sitting

00:09:11.518 --> 00:09:12.651
And i'm sitting here.
And i got two soldiers sitting
next to me there, my manager,

00:09:12.653 --> 00:09:13.552
And i got two soldiers sitting
next to me there, my manager,
brett, sitting there.

00:09:13.554 --> 00:09:14.619
Next to me there, my manager,
brett, sitting there.
He's got two soldiers sitting

00:09:14.621 --> 00:09:15.186
Brett, sitting there.
He's got two soldiers sitting
next to him.

00:09:15.188 --> 00:09:16.187
He's got two soldiers sitting
next to him.
There's two soldiers in the

00:09:16.189 --> 00:09:16.755
Next to him.
There's two soldiers in the
cockpit.

00:09:16.757 --> 00:09:18.290
There's two soldiers in the
cockpit.
There's a great big door open

00:09:18.292 --> 00:09:19.791
Cockpit.
There's a great big door open
next to me there, and there's

00:09:19.793 --> 00:09:21.393
There's a great big door open
next to me there, and there's
another door open there, and at

00:09:21.395 --> 00:09:22.894
Next to me there, and there's
another door open there, and at
that door is a soldier with a

00:09:22.896 --> 00:09:25.797
Another door open there, and at
that door is a soldier with a
great big gun on a hinge, with

00:09:25.799 --> 00:09:27.198
That door is a soldier with a
great big gun on a hinge, with
bullets coming out of it like

00:09:27.200 --> 00:09:28.700
Great big gun on a hinge, with
bullets coming out of it like
that thing that chewbacca wears.

00:09:28.702 --> 00:09:32.837
Bullets coming out of it like
that thing that chewbacca wears.
And we take off, and off we go

00:09:32.839 --> 00:09:33.738
That thing that chewbacca wears.
And we take off, and off we go
to baghdad.

00:09:33.740 --> 00:09:35.707
And we take off, and off we go
to baghdad.
And as we hit the border of the

00:09:35.709 --> 00:09:37.776
To baghdad.
And as we hit the border of the
city, i hear a great big "bang!"

00:09:37.778 --> 00:09:39.444
And as we hit the border of the
city, i hear a great big "bang!"
And these two small flares shoot

00:09:39.446 --> 00:09:41.046
City, i hear a great big "bang!"
And these two small flares shoot
out from the small wings of the

00:09:41.048 --> 00:09:42.647
And these two small flares shoot
out from the small wings of the
helicopter, followed by a trail

00:09:42.649 --> 00:09:43.281
Out from the small wings of the
helicopter, followed by a trail
of smoke.

00:09:43.283 --> 00:09:44.516
Helicopter, followed by a trail
of smoke.
And the helicopter goes,

00:09:44.518 --> 00:09:46.985
Of smoke.
And the helicopter goes,
"fwwhhh! Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh!"

00:09:46.987 --> 00:09:48.453
And the helicopter goes,
"fwwhhh! Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh!"
Now, the reason they do this is,

00:09:48.455 --> 00:09:49.788
"Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh!"
Now, the reason they do this is,
when they get over the danger

00:09:49.790 --> 00:09:51.222
Now, the reason they do this is,
when they get over the danger
area, if there's a heat-Seeking

00:09:51.224 --> 00:09:52.657
When they get over the danger
area, if there's a heat-Seeking
missile, it'll be distracted by

00:09:52.659 --> 00:09:53.758
Area, if there's a heat-Seeking
missile, it'll be distracted by
the flares, and then the

00:09:53.760 --> 00:09:55.026
Missile, it'll be distracted by
the flares, and then the
helicopter will fly out of

00:09:55.028 --> 00:09:56.861
The flares, and then the
helicopter will fly out of
range -- Very clever.

00:09:56.863 --> 00:09:59.197
Helicopter will fly out of
range -- Very clever.
Now...

00:09:59.199 --> 00:10:02.834
Range -- Very clever.
Now...
they never told me this was

00:10:02.836 --> 00:10:03.335
Now...
they never told me this was
happening.

00:10:03.337 --> 00:10:05.070
They never told me this was
happening.
As far as i'm concerned, the

00:10:05.072 --> 00:10:08.406
Happening.
As far as i'm concerned, the
wings have just exploded and

00:10:08.408 --> 00:10:09.975
As far as i'm concerned, the
wings have just exploded and
we're now plummeting to our

00:10:09.977 --> 00:10:12.210
Wings have just exploded and
we're now plummeting to our
death, but it's nice to know how

00:10:12.212 --> 00:10:14.179
We're now plummeting to our
death, but it's nice to know how
you react under pressure,

00:10:14.181 --> 00:10:16.448
Death, but it's nice to know how
you react under pressure,
because i reacted thusly -- By

00:10:16.450 --> 00:10:18.383
You react under pressure,
because i reacted thusly -- By
vomiting over my lovely blue

00:10:18.385 --> 00:10:20.552
Because i reacted thusly -- By
vomiting over my lovely blue
vest, ironically making it more

00:10:20.554 --> 00:10:24.322
Vomiting over my lovely blue
vest, ironically making it more
camouflage than it was before,

00:10:24.324 --> 00:10:25.991
Vest, ironically making it more
camouflage than it was before,
and yelling out, "we're going

00:10:25.993 --> 00:10:27.792
Camouflage than it was before,
and yelling out, "we're going
down!"

00:10:27.794 --> 00:10:29.661
And yelling out, "we're going
down!"
The two pilots, the sergeants,

00:10:29.663 --> 00:10:31.429
Down!"
The two pilots, the sergeants,
the gunner -- They all start

00:10:31.431 --> 00:10:33.231
The two pilots, the sergeants,
the gunner -- They all start
pissing themselves, laughing.

00:10:33.233 --> 00:10:34.833
The gunner -- They all start
pissing themselves, laughing.
They're reaching through.

00:10:34.835 --> 00:10:36.768
Pissing themselves, laughing.
They're reaching through.
They're high-Fiving each other.

00:10:36.770 --> 00:10:38.136
They're reaching through.
They're high-Fiving each other.
They're tearing it down.

00:10:38.138 --> 00:10:39.738
They're high-Fiving each other.
They're tearing it down.
They've been waiting for this

00:10:39.740 --> 00:10:40.739
They're tearing it down.
They've been waiting for this
joke for months.

00:10:40.741 --> 00:10:42.374
They've been waiting for this
joke for months.
I'm cleaning vomit off myself,

00:10:42.376 --> 00:10:44.009
Joke for months.
I'm cleaning vomit off myself,
going, "oh, you, that was a good

00:10:44.011 --> 00:10:44.476
I'm cleaning vomit off myself,
going, "oh, you, that was a good
one.

00:10:44.478 --> 00:10:45.877
Going, "oh, you, that was a good
one.
Thank you for defending my

00:10:45.879 --> 00:10:46.511
One.
Thank you for defending my
freedom."

00:10:46.513 --> 00:10:49.881
Thank you for defending my
freedom."
Right?

00:10:49.883 --> 00:10:51.516
Freedom."
Right?
So, i sit back down, covered in

00:10:51.518 --> 00:10:52.884
Right?
So, i sit back down, covered in
vomit in the helicopter --

00:10:52.886 --> 00:10:53.385
So, i sit back down, covered in
vomit in the helicopter --
"Ugh."

00:10:53.387 --> 00:10:54.919
Vomit in the helicopter --
"Ugh."
And so i'm trying to look out

00:10:54.921 --> 00:10:56.388
"Ugh."
And so i'm trying to look out
the door to try to un-Quease

00:10:56.390 --> 00:10:56.955
And so i'm trying to look out
the door to try to un-Quease
myself.

00:10:56.957 --> 00:10:58.423
The door to try to un-Quease
myself.
And i'm looking out over the

00:10:58.425 --> 00:11:00.025
Myself.
And i'm looking out over the
ground, over baghdad -- By the

00:11:00.027 --> 00:11:01.526
And i'm looking out over the
ground, over baghdad -- By the
way, baghdad, beautiful city,

00:11:01.528 --> 00:11:06.031
Ground, over baghdad -- By the
way, baghdad, beautiful city,
untouched -- And i look out on

00:11:06.033 --> 00:11:07.932
Way, baghdad, beautiful city,
untouched -- And i look out on
the ground, and i see a little

00:11:07.934 --> 00:11:09.701
Untouched -- And i look out on
the ground, and i see a little
arab fellow with a handgun

00:11:09.703 --> 00:11:11.636
The ground, and i see a little
arab fellow with a handgun
shooting up at the helicopter,

00:11:11.638 --> 00:11:13.371
Arab fellow with a handgun
shooting up at the helicopter,
just -- [ Imitates gunshots ]

00:11:13.373 --> 00:11:14.806
Shooting up at the helicopter,
just -- [ Imitates gunshots ]
once again, i freak out.

00:11:14.808 --> 00:11:17.676
Just -- [ Imitates gunshots ]
once again, i freak out.
"We're being fired on!"

00:11:17.678 --> 00:11:19.210
Once again, i freak out.
"We're being fired on!"
The gunner now is laughing so

00:11:19.212 --> 00:11:20.011
"We're being fired on!"
The gunner now is laughing so
fucking hard.

00:11:20.013 --> 00:11:21.546
The gunner now is laughing so
fucking hard.
He's laughing even harder than

00:11:21.548 --> 00:11:22.447
Fucking hard.
He's laughing even harder than
he was before.

00:11:22.449 --> 00:11:23.848
He's laughing even harder than
he was before.
He's laughing so hard, he's

00:11:23.850 --> 00:11:24.649
He was before.
He's laughing so hard, he's
keeled over.

00:11:24.651 --> 00:11:26.217
He's laughing so hard, he's
keeled over.
The gun's just dangling out in

00:11:26.219 --> 00:11:27.819
Keeled over.
The gun's just dangling out in
the hinge.

00:11:27.821 --> 00:11:29.454
The gun's just dangling out in
the hinge.
And i'm like, "what's your

00:11:29.456 --> 00:11:30.855
The hinge.
And i'm like, "what's your
fucking problem, man?"

00:11:30.857 --> 00:11:32.490
And i'm like, "what's your
fucking problem, man?"
And he's like, "jim, you're

00:11:32.492 --> 00:11:34.359
Fucking problem, man?"
And he's like, "jim, you're
gonna have to calm down, mate.

00:11:34.361 --> 00:11:36.594
And he's like, "jim, you're
gonna have to calm down, mate.
We're in a military helicopter

00:11:36.596 --> 00:11:38.596
Gonna have to calm down, mate.
We're in a military helicopter
with a bulletproof bottom.

00:11:38.598 --> 00:11:41.499
We're in a military helicopter
with a bulletproof bottom.
That's a handgun.

00:11:41.501 --> 00:11:42.600
With a bulletproof bottom.
That's a handgun.
We're so high up, the bullets

00:11:42.602 --> 00:11:43.401
That's a handgun.
We're so high up, the bullets
can't even reach us.

00:11:43.403 --> 00:11:44.302
We're so high up, the bullets
can't even reach us.
They just sort of go --

00:11:44.304 --> 00:11:46.771
Can't even reach us.
They just sort of go --
[ Whistles ]"

00:11:46.773 --> 00:11:48.206
They just sort of go --
[ Whistles ]"
and then i jokingly said,

00:11:48.208 --> 00:11:49.841
[ Whistles ]"
and then i jokingly said,
"[ chuckles ] i bet our bullets

00:11:49.843 --> 00:11:50.775
And then i jokingly said,
"[ chuckles ] i bet our bullets
can reach him."

00:11:50.777 --> 00:11:52.143
"[ Chuckles ] i bet our bullets
can reach him."
And he went, "oh, yeah."

00:11:52.145 --> 00:11:54.412
Can reach him."
And he went, "oh, yeah."
[ Imitates gunfire ]

00:11:54.414 --> 00:12:17.435
And the little cunt died.
And -- And i was like,
"[ sighs ]

00:12:17.437 --> 00:12:20.238
And -- And i was like,
"[ sighs ]
i was just saying, mate.

00:12:20.240 --> 00:12:22.707
"[ Sighs ]
i was just saying, mate.
I was just saying.

00:12:22.709 --> 00:12:24.142
I was just saying, mate.
I was just saying.
I didn't want to ruin anyone's

00:12:24.144 --> 00:12:25.944
I was just saying.
I didn't want to ruin anyone's
day."

00:12:25.946 --> 00:12:27.412
I didn't want to ruin anyone's
day."
[ Laughs ]

00:12:27.414 --> 00:12:28.980
Day."
[ Laughs ]
isn't that a fun story about a

00:12:28.982 --> 00:12:32.584
[ Laughs ]
isn't that a fun story about a
man dying?

00:12:32.586 --> 00:12:33.885
Isn't that a fun story about a
man dying?
It's funny, though.

00:12:33.887 --> 00:12:37.889
Man dying?
It's funny, though.
My limited time in a war zone,

00:12:37.891 --> 00:12:39.524
It's funny, though.
My limited time in a war zone,
i really, you know, didn't see

00:12:39.526 --> 00:12:40.959
My limited time in a war zone,
i really, you know, didn't see
what all the bad stuff was.

00:12:40.961 --> 00:12:43.628
I really, you know, didn't see
what all the bad stuff was.
They were very nice to me.

00:12:43.630 --> 00:12:45.130
What all the bad stuff was.
They were very nice to me.
But this was kind of crazy to

00:12:45.132 --> 00:12:46.331
They were very nice to me.
But this was kind of crazy to
me 'cause i don't know,

00:12:46.333 --> 00:12:47.799
But this was kind of crazy to
me 'cause i don't know,
historically, how we're gonna

00:12:47.801 --> 00:12:48.600
Me 'cause i don't know,
historically, how we're gonna
talk about it.

00:12:48.602 --> 00:12:50.702
Historically, how we're gonna
talk about it.
See, like, my grandfather --

00:12:50.704 --> 00:12:52.771
Talk about it.
See, like, my grandfather --
He fought during the second

00:12:52.773 --> 00:12:55.140
See, like, my grandfather --
He fought during the second
world war, for the japs, weirdly

00:12:55.142 --> 00:12:56.908
He fought during the second
world war, for the japs, weirdly
enough.

00:12:56.910 --> 00:12:58.443
World war, for the japs, weirdly
enough.
No, no, for the australians.

00:12:58.445 --> 00:12:59.711
Enough.
No, no, for the australians.
He killed a lot of japanese --

00:12:59.713 --> 00:13:01.980
No, no, for the australians.
He killed a lot of japanese --
Hated them till he died.

00:13:01.982 --> 00:13:03.348
He killed a lot of japanese --
Hated them till he died.
"Love the food, hate the

00:13:03.350 --> 00:13:05.316
Hated them till he died.
"Love the food, hate the
people," he used to say.

00:13:05.318 --> 00:13:07.085
"Love the food, hate the
people," he used to say.
What a complex man.

00:13:07.087 --> 00:13:10.622
People," he used to say.
What a complex man.
And...

00:13:10.624 --> 00:13:13.191
What a complex man.
And...
i used to love listening -- When

00:13:13.193 --> 00:13:15.059
And...
i used to love listening -- When
i was a kid, listening to him

00:13:15.061 --> 00:13:16.728
I used to love listening -- When
i was a kid, listening to him
tell stories about killing

00:13:16.730 --> 00:13:17.362
I was a kid, listening to him
tell stories about killing
nazis.

00:13:17.364 --> 00:13:19.063
Tell stories about killing
nazis.
There was always something

00:13:19.065 --> 00:13:20.832
Nazis.
There was always something
exciting about it, you know?

00:13:20.834 --> 00:13:22.834
There was always something
exciting about it, you know?
I just don't know what i would

00:13:22.836 --> 00:13:24.736
Exciting about it, you know?
I just don't know what i would
tell my grandson about what's

00:13:24.738 --> 00:13:26.437
I just don't know what i would
tell my grandson about what's
happening in history now.

00:13:26.439 --> 00:13:28.473
Tell my grandson about what's
happening in history now.
I imagine i'll be 80 years old,

00:13:28.475 --> 00:13:30.542
Happening in history now.
I imagine i'll be 80 years old,
i'll be sitting in my chair, and

00:13:30.544 --> 00:13:32.277
I imagine i'll be 80 years old,
i'll be sitting in my chair, and
my grandson will be on the

00:13:32.279 --> 00:13:33.845
I'll be sitting in my chair, and
my grandson will be on the
floor, looking up at me

00:13:33.847 --> 00:13:35.113
My grandson will be on the
floor, looking up at me
adoringly.

00:13:35.115 --> 00:13:40.885
Floor, looking up at me
adoringly.
And i'll go, "now, there used to

00:13:40.887 --> 00:13:45.089
Adoringly.
And i'll go, "now, there used to
be these people called arabs.

00:13:45.091 --> 00:13:46.024
And i'll go, "now, there used to
be these people called arabs.
And they lived in the

00:13:46.026 --> 00:13:48.626
Be these people called arabs.
And they lived in the
middle east, or, as you call it,

00:13:48.628 --> 00:13:53.531
And they lived in the
middle east, or, as you call it,
the radiation zone.

00:13:53.533 --> 00:13:54.933
Middle east, or, as you call it,
the radiation zone.
In 2020,

00:13:54.935 --> 00:13:59.070
The radiation zone.
In 2020,
president macaulay culkin got

00:13:59.072 --> 00:14:00.705
In 2020,
president macaulay culkin got
really upset with the arabs, and

00:14:00.707 --> 00:14:02.440
President macaulay culkin got
really upset with the arabs, and
he nuked them all.

00:14:02.442 --> 00:14:04.309
Really upset with the arabs, and
he nuked them all.
But what macaulay culkin and the

00:14:04.311 --> 00:14:05.944
He nuked them all.
But what macaulay culkin and the
rest of the americans hadn't

00:14:05.946 --> 00:14:07.545
But what macaulay culkin and the
rest of the americans hadn't
realized was that china had

00:14:07.547 --> 00:14:09.180
Rest of the americans hadn't
realized was that china had
slowly but surely become the

00:14:09.182 --> 00:14:10.648
Realized was that china had
slowly but surely become the
superpower of the world.

00:14:10.650 --> 00:14:12.483
Slowly but surely become the
superpower of the world.
So, while the americans were

00:14:12.485 --> 00:14:14.385
Superpower of the world.
So, while the americans were
nuking the arabs, the chinese

00:14:14.387 --> 00:14:16.421
So, while the americans were
nuking the arabs, the chinese
nuked the americans, and that's

00:14:16.423 --> 00:14:18.423
Nuking the arabs, the chinese
nuked the americans, and that's
why we have no americans and no

00:14:18.425 --> 00:14:20.158
Nuked the americans, and that's
why we have no americans and no
arabs."

00:14:20.160 --> 00:14:21.492
Why we have no americans and no
arabs."
And then my grandson will look

00:14:21.494 --> 00:14:24.495
Arabs."
And then my grandson will look
up at me and go...

00:14:24.497 --> 00:14:26.764
And then my grandson will look
up at me and go...
"mashaba awa."

00:14:26.766 --> 00:14:39.444
[ Applause ]
[ laughs ]
you know what i like about that

00:14:39.446 --> 00:14:39.944
[ Laughs ]
you know what i like about that
joke?

00:14:39.946 --> 00:14:41.746
You know what i like about that
joke?
It has the feel of racism, but

00:14:41.748 --> 00:14:46.284
Joke?
It has the feel of racism, but
you can't pick the exact moment.

00:14:46.286 --> 00:14:48.253
It has the feel of racism, but
you can't pick the exact moment.
Like, you know it is.

00:14:48.255 --> 00:14:51.956
You can't pick the exact moment.
Like, you know it is.
It's definitely racist.

00:14:51.958 --> 00:14:53.825
Like, you know it is.
It's definitely racist.
So, let's change the subject

00:14:53.827 --> 00:14:56.828
It's definitely racist.
So, let's change the subject
quickly.

00:14:56.830 --> 00:14:58.730
So, let's change the subject
quickly.
How do blind people wipe their

00:14:58.732 --> 00:15:02.100
Quickly.
How do blind people wipe their
asses?

00:15:02.102 --> 00:15:03.701
How do blind people wipe their
asses?
I know you're thinking, "the

00:15:03.703 --> 00:15:05.336
Asses?
I know you're thinking, "the
same as us," but you're not

00:15:05.338 --> 00:15:08.206
I know you're thinking, "the
same as us," but you're not
thinking outside the box, 'cause

00:15:08.208 --> 00:15:10.608
Same as us," but you're not
thinking outside the box, 'cause
wiping your ass is a very visual

00:15:10.610 --> 00:15:12.410
Thinking outside the box, 'cause
wiping your ass is a very visual
activity.

00:15:12.412 --> 00:15:14.479
Wiping your ass is a very visual
activity.
No one's ever just leant up,

00:15:14.481 --> 00:15:16.514
Activity.
No one's ever just leant up,
wiped, then dropped into the

00:15:16.516 --> 00:15:18.716
No one's ever just leant up,
wiped, then dropped into the
bowl.

00:15:18.718 --> 00:15:21.819
Wiped, then dropped into the
bowl.
You wipe. You check.

00:15:21.821 --> 00:15:23.254
Bowl.
You wipe. You check.
"There's a lot of poo there.

00:15:23.256 --> 00:15:26.391
You wipe. You check.
"There's a lot of poo there.
I'm gonna wipe again.

00:15:26.393 --> 00:15:29.994
"There's a lot of poo there.
I'm gonna wipe again.
There's still a lot of poo.

00:15:29.996 --> 00:15:31.729
I'm gonna wipe again.
There's still a lot of poo.
It feels dry, but there's

00:15:31.731 --> 00:15:34.632
There's still a lot of poo.
It feels dry, but there's
still poo.

00:15:34.634 --> 00:15:38.836
It feels dry, but there's
still poo.
I think i left one up there."

00:15:38.838 --> 00:15:40.605
Still poo.
I think i left one up there."
I bet that's where the dog comes

00:15:40.607 --> 00:15:41.339
I think i left one up there."
I bet that's where the dog comes
in handy.

00:15:41.341 --> 00:15:42.507
I bet that's where the dog comes
in handy.
[ Audience groans ]

00:15:42.509 --> 00:15:44.042
In handy.
[ Audience groans ]
ohh!

00:15:44.044 --> 00:15:45.276
[ Audience groans ]
ohh!
No!

00:15:45.278 --> 00:15:47.879
Ohh!
No!
No, don't --

00:15:47.881 --> 00:15:49.714
No!
No, don't --
I'm not saying the dog licks

00:15:49.716 --> 00:15:52.817
No, don't --
I'm not saying the dog licks
the blind person's ass!

00:15:52.819 --> 00:15:54.185
I'm not saying the dog licks
the blind person's ass!
I'm saying these are very

00:15:54.187 --> 00:15:56.120
The blind person's ass!
I'm saying these are very
intelligent dogs.

00:15:56.122 --> 00:15:57.889
I'm saying these are very
intelligent dogs.
They would have worked out some

00:15:57.891 --> 00:16:01.626
Intelligent dogs.
They would have worked out some
form of barking system.

00:16:01.628 --> 00:16:02.961
They would have worked out some
form of barking system.
So, the blind guy would have the

00:16:02.963 --> 00:16:08.566
Form of barking system.
So, the blind guy would have the
dog, like, sit in front of him.

00:16:08.568 --> 00:16:13.838
So, the blind guy would have the
dog, like, sit in front of him.
"Woof woof woof."

00:16:13.840 --> 00:16:17.308
Dog, like, sit in front of him.
"Woof woof woof."
"Woof woof."

00:16:17.310 --> 00:16:19.243
"Woof woof woof."
"Woof woof."
"Woof."

00:16:19.245 --> 00:16:35.360
And they'd probably work out
some special morse code-Y bark
for when there's blood in the

00:16:35.362 --> 00:16:41.032
Some special morse code-Y bark
for when there's blood in the
poo.

00:16:41.034 --> 00:16:42.533
For when there's blood in the
poo.
No, 'cause they've already been

00:16:42.535 --> 00:16:43.601
Poo.
No, 'cause they've already been
through a rough time.

00:16:43.603 --> 00:16:44.402
No, 'cause they've already been
through a rough time.
They're blind.

00:16:44.404 --> 00:16:47.905
Through a rough time.
They're blind.
No need for ass cancer.

00:16:47.907 --> 00:16:49.774
They're blind.
No need for ass cancer.
Not that blood always means

00:16:49.776 --> 00:16:50.708
No need for ass cancer.
Not that blood always means
ass cancer.

00:16:50.710 --> 00:16:52.810
Not that blood always means
ass cancer.
I suffer from hemorrhoids, have

00:16:52.812 --> 00:16:54.912
Ass cancer.
I suffer from hemorrhoids, have
done since i was 22 years old.

00:16:54.914 --> 00:16:56.314
I suffer from hemorrhoids, have
done since i was 22 years old.
And it's a very young age to get

00:16:56.316 --> 00:16:57.648
Done since i was 22 years old.
And it's a very young age to get
hemorrhoids, but there's a lot

00:16:57.650 --> 00:16:58.516
And it's a very young age to get
hemorrhoids, but there's a lot
of blood involved.

00:16:58.518 --> 00:16:59.984
Hemorrhoids, but there's a lot
of blood involved.
If you've never had one, there's

00:16:59.986 --> 00:17:01.352
Of blood involved.
If you've never had one, there's
a lot of blood involved in a bad

00:17:01.354 --> 00:17:01.953
If you've never had one, there's
a lot of blood involved in a bad
hemorrhoid.

00:17:01.955 --> 00:17:04.055
A lot of blood involved in a bad
hemorrhoid.
I've had toilet bowls that look

00:17:04.057 --> 00:17:07.858
Hemorrhoid.
I've had toilet bowls that look
like abortions.

00:17:07.861 --> 00:17:10.094
I've had toilet bowls that look
like abortions.
Now, i'm not -- It's not good.

00:17:10.096 --> 00:17:11.628
Like abortions.
Now, i'm not -- It's not good.
And the first time, when you're

00:17:11.631 --> 00:17:13.097
Now, i'm not -- It's not good.
And the first time, when you're
22 and you get one, your brain

00:17:13.098 --> 00:17:14.098
And the first time, when you're
22 and you get one, your brain
goes to ass cancer.

00:17:14.099 --> 00:17:15.500
22 and you get one, your brain
goes to ass cancer.
You're like, "oh, i got ass

00:17:15.502 --> 00:17:16.867
Goes to ass cancer.
You're like, "oh, i got ass
cancer," because no one ever

00:17:16.869 --> 00:17:18.336
You're like, "oh, i got ass
cancer," because no one ever
told you about hemorrhoids when

00:17:18.338 --> 00:17:19.069
Cancer," because no one ever
told you about hemorrhoids when
you're young.

00:17:19.071 --> 00:17:20.637
Told you about hemorrhoids when
you're young.
Your dad never sits you down and

00:17:20.640 --> 00:17:23.508
You're young.
Your dad never sits you down and
goes, "when you get a bit older,

00:17:23.510 --> 00:17:25.843
Your dad never sits you down and
goes, "when you get a bit older,
you'll be pushing a poo a little

00:17:25.845 --> 00:17:28.146
Goes, "when you get a bit older,
you'll be pushing a poo a little
bit hard, and a small portion of

00:17:28.147 --> 00:17:31.916
You'll be pushing a poo a little
bit hard, and a small portion of
your asshole will fall out.

00:17:31.918 --> 00:17:35.753
Bit hard, and a small portion of
your asshole will fall out.
Now, it's nothing to be alarmed

00:17:35.755 --> 00:17:36.988
Your asshole will fall out.
Now, it's nothing to be alarmed
about.

00:17:36.990 --> 00:17:38.456
Now, it's nothing to be alarmed
about.
It's just part of becoming a

00:17:38.458 --> 00:17:42.193
About.
It's just part of becoming a
[chuckling] man."

00:17:42.195 --> 00:17:43.461
It's just part of becoming a
[chuckling] man."
So, the first time i got a

00:17:43.463 --> 00:17:44.929
[Chuckling] man."
So, the first time i got a
hemorrhoid, i didn't tell anyone

00:17:44.931 --> 00:17:46.297
So, the first time i got a
hemorrhoid, i didn't tell anyone
'cause i thought i was dying,

00:17:46.299 --> 00:17:46.931
Hemorrhoid, i didn't tell anyone
'cause i thought i was dying,
obviously.

00:17:46.933 --> 00:17:48.366
'Cause i thought i was dying,
obviously.
And i go to see my doctor, the

00:17:48.368 --> 00:17:49.667
Obviously.
And i go to see my doctor, the
same doctor that i've had my

00:17:49.669 --> 00:17:51.102
And i go to see my doctor, the
same doctor that i've had my
whole life, and he makes me --

00:17:51.104 --> 00:17:53.371
Same doctor that i've had my
whole life, and he makes me --
I go, "i got ass cancer."

00:17:53.373 --> 00:17:56.007
Whole life, and he makes me --
I go, "i got ass cancer."
And he makes me bend over a

00:17:56.009 --> 00:17:56.941
I go, "i got ass cancer."
And he makes me bend over a
chair.

00:17:56.943 --> 00:17:58.576
And he makes me bend over a
chair.
And then he gets a rubber glove

00:17:58.578 --> 00:18:00.178
Chair.
And then he gets a rubber glove
on, and he sort of prods around

00:18:00.180 --> 00:18:01.279
And then he gets a rubber glove
on, and he sort of prods around
my ass a little bit.

00:18:01.281 --> 00:18:02.747
On, and he sort of prods around
my ass a little bit.
And he goes, "oh, you've just

00:18:02.749 --> 00:18:04.015
My ass a little bit.
And he goes, "oh, you've just
got hemorrhoids there."

00:18:04.017 --> 00:18:05.650
And he goes, "oh, you've just
got hemorrhoids there."
And i said, "i thought that only

00:18:05.652 --> 00:18:07.018
Got hemorrhoids there."
And i said, "i thought that only
happens to old people and

00:18:07.020 --> 00:18:07.952
And i said, "i thought that only
happens to old people and
pregnant women."

00:18:07.954 --> 00:18:10.088
Happens to old people and
pregnant women."
And he went, "and you."

00:18:10.090 --> 00:18:27.371
So, i live in america now, and
i --
[ Cheers and applause ]

00:18:27.373 --> 00:18:29.373
I --
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ chuckles ]

00:18:29.375 --> 00:18:30.675
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ chuckles ]
people get so entertained by

00:18:30.677 --> 00:18:32.143
[ Chuckles ]
people get so entertained by
that, but where else am i gonna

00:18:32.145 --> 00:18:34.412
People get so entertained by
that, but where else am i gonna
put them?

00:18:34.414 --> 00:18:35.746
That, but where else am i gonna
put them?
We'll put that away for

00:18:35.748 --> 00:18:37.215
Put them?
We'll put that away for
continuity, in case they cut

00:18:37.217 --> 00:18:44.055
We'll put that away for
continuity, in case they cut
the jokes up differently.

00:18:44.057 --> 00:18:44.655
Continuity, in case they cut
the jokes up differently.
There we go.

00:18:44.657 --> 00:18:45.523
The jokes up differently.
There we go.
That's a bit of a --

00:18:45.525 --> 00:18:46.657
There we go.
That's a bit of a --
'Cause i know there's people

00:18:46.659 --> 00:18:47.859
That's a bit of a --
'Cause i know there's people
that are sitting at home, going,

00:18:47.861 --> 00:18:49.127
'Cause i know there's people
that are sitting at home, going,
"[ laughs ] that beer went like

00:18:49.129 --> 00:18:50.394
That are sitting at home, going,
"[ laughs ] that beer went like
that, then it it went like that,

00:18:50.396 --> 00:18:54.765
"[ Laughs ] that beer went like
that, then it it went like that,
then it went like that."

00:18:54.767 --> 00:18:59.103
That, then it it went like that,
then it went like that."
Fucking nerds.

00:18:59.105 --> 00:19:00.338
Then it went like that."
Fucking nerds.
So, i live in america, and it

00:19:00.340 --> 00:19:01.606
Fucking nerds.
So, i live in america, and it
fucking blows my mind i live in

00:19:01.608 --> 00:19:02.440
So, i live in america, and it
fucking blows my mind i live in
america now, man.

00:19:02.442 --> 00:19:03.975
Fucking blows my mind i live in
america now, man.
I -- Coming from australia and

00:19:03.977 --> 00:19:05.576
America now, man.
I -- Coming from australia and
everything, i never thought i'd

00:19:05.578 --> 00:19:06.978
I -- Coming from australia and
everything, i never thought i'd
sort of go this far with my

00:19:06.980 --> 00:19:08.079
Everything, i never thought i'd
sort of go this far with my
career or anything.

00:19:08.081 --> 00:19:09.814
Sort of go this far with my
career or anything.
And i find myself -- Now i'm out

00:19:09.816 --> 00:19:11.315
Career or anything.
And i find myself -- Now i'm out
there auditioning for major

00:19:11.317 --> 00:19:12.517
And i find myself -- Now i'm out
there auditioning for major
movies and shit, man.

00:19:12.519 --> 00:19:14.886
There auditioning for major
movies and shit, man.
And i still feel retarded every

00:19:14.888 --> 00:19:16.454
Movies and shit, man.
And i still feel retarded every
time i go in there.

00:19:16.456 --> 00:19:18.122
And i still feel retarded every
time i go in there.
Now, the first time i went for

00:19:18.124 --> 00:19:19.724
Time i go in there.
Now, the first time i went for
an audition, i'd been in l.A.

00:19:19.726 --> 00:19:21.025
Now, the first time i went for
an audition, i'd been in l.A.
For like a couple days.

00:19:21.027 --> 00:19:22.627
An audition, i'd been in l.A.
For like a couple days.
And my agency sent me to this

00:19:22.629 --> 00:19:24.328
For like a couple days.
And my agency sent me to this
audition and i went along and i

00:19:24.330 --> 00:19:25.963
And my agency sent me to this
audition and i went along and i
met this girl in the corridor

00:19:25.965 --> 00:19:26.797
Audition and i went along and i
met this girl in the corridor
called carla.

00:19:26.799 --> 00:19:27.798
Met this girl in the corridor
called carla.
And i was really nervous, and

00:19:27.800 --> 00:19:28.866
Called carla.
And i was really nervous, and
she could tell i was nervous.

00:19:28.868 --> 00:19:29.901
And i was really nervous, and
she could tell i was nervous.
And she sort of calmed me down

00:19:29.903 --> 00:19:30.902
She could tell i was nervous.
And she sort of calmed me down
and we had a little bit of a

00:19:30.904 --> 00:19:31.936
And she sort of calmed me down
and we had a little bit of a
chat and she was really cute,

00:19:31.938 --> 00:19:33.738
And we had a little bit of a
chat and she was really cute,
and we flirted together and

00:19:33.740 --> 00:19:34.372
Chat and she was really cute,
and we flirted together and
stuff.

00:19:34.374 --> 00:19:36.240
And we flirted together and
stuff.
And then i went and read the

00:19:36.242 --> 00:19:38.042
Stuff.
And then i went and read the
little bit, and then i went

00:19:38.044 --> 00:19:38.609
And then i went and read the
little bit, and then i went
home.

00:19:38.611 --> 00:19:39.810
Little bit, and then i went
home.
And then i got a call later on

00:19:39.812 --> 00:19:40.945
Home.
And then i got a call later on
that afternoon, going, "they

00:19:40.947 --> 00:19:41.879
And then i got a call later on
that afternoon, going, "they
loved you.

00:19:41.881 --> 00:19:42.914
That afternoon, going, "they
loved you.
You're gonna come back for a

00:19:42.916 --> 00:19:43.414
Loved you.
You're gonna come back for a
callback."

00:19:43.416 --> 00:19:44.315
You're gonna come back for a
callback."
So i'm like, "excellent.

00:19:44.317 --> 00:19:44.949
Callback."
So i'm like, "excellent.
That's good.

00:19:44.951 --> 00:19:46.284
So i'm like, "excellent.
That's good.
So, i go back for the callback,

00:19:46.286 --> 00:19:47.652
That's good.
So, i go back for the callback,
and when you do callbacks, often

00:19:47.654 --> 00:19:48.819
So, i go back for the callback,
and when you do callbacks, often
they have you reading with

00:19:48.821 --> 00:19:49.520
And when you do callbacks, often
they have you reading with
another person.

00:19:49.522 --> 00:19:50.788
They have you reading with
another person.
So, i'm in the room, reading

00:19:50.790 --> 00:19:51.989
Another person.
So, i'm in the room, reading
with this girl, and it's the

00:19:51.991 --> 00:19:53.224
So, i'm in the room, reading
with this girl, and it's the
same girl from the corridor.

00:19:53.226 --> 00:19:54.091
With this girl, and it's the
same girl from the corridor.
It's carla, right?

00:19:54.093 --> 00:19:55.259
Same girl from the corridor.
It's carla, right?
And we're sort of flirting,

00:19:55.261 --> 00:19:56.460
It's carla, right?
And we're sort of flirting,
going, "hey, from the thing

00:19:56.462 --> 00:19:57.628
And we're sort of flirting,
going, "hey, from the thing
before -- Ahh."

00:19:57.630 --> 00:20:00.565
Going, "hey, from the thing
before -- Ahh."
And so we're reading.

00:20:00.567 --> 00:20:01.666
Before -- Ahh."
And so we're reading.
We have great on-Screen

00:20:01.668 --> 00:20:03.000
And so we're reading.
We have great on-Screen
chemistry and all that type of

00:20:03.002 --> 00:20:03.367
We have great on-Screen
chemistry and all that type of
stuff.

00:20:03.369 --> 00:20:04.902
Chemistry and all that type of
stuff.
Then after the audition, i said,

00:20:04.904 --> 00:20:06.404
Stuff.
Then after the audition, i said,
"carla, do you have any taxicab

00:20:06.406 --> 00:20:06.938
Then after the audition, i said,
"carla, do you have any taxicab
numbers?

00:20:06.940 --> 00:20:08.072
"Carla, do you have any taxicab
numbers?
I got to get to my next

00:20:08.074 --> 00:20:08.673
Numbers?
I got to get to my next
audition."

00:20:08.675 --> 00:20:10.141
I got to get to my next
audition."
She said, "where are you trying

00:20:10.143 --> 00:20:10.808
Audition."
She said, "where are you trying
to get to?"

00:20:10.810 --> 00:20:12.109
She said, "where are you trying
to get to?"
And i went, "santa monica."

00:20:12.111 --> 00:20:13.611
To get to?"
And i went, "santa monica."
And she said, "that's where i'm

00:20:13.613 --> 00:20:14.045
And i went, "santa monica."
And she said, "that's where i'm
going.

00:20:14.047 --> 00:20:15.746
And she said, "that's where i'm
going.
I'll give you a lift."

00:20:15.748 --> 00:20:17.648
Going.
I'll give you a lift."
Now, please note at this stage

00:20:17.650 --> 00:20:19.517
I'll give you a lift."
Now, please note at this stage
of the story i didn't ask for

00:20:19.519 --> 00:20:20.851
Now, please note at this stage
of the story i didn't ask for
the lift.

00:20:20.853 --> 00:20:23.087
Of the story i didn't ask for
the lift.
We go down to the car.

00:20:23.089 --> 00:20:24.655
The lift.
We go down to the car.
She gets in.

00:20:24.657 --> 00:20:26.557
We go down to the car.
She gets in.
She unwinds my window.

00:20:26.559 --> 00:20:28.259
She gets in.
She unwinds my window.
She looks out and goes, "jim,

00:20:28.261 --> 00:20:29.627
She unwinds my window.
She looks out and goes, "jim,
what's your full name?"

00:20:29.629 --> 00:20:31.629
She looks out and goes, "jim,
what's your full name?"
And i went, "jim jefferies."

00:20:31.631 --> 00:20:33.231
What's your full name?"
And i went, "jim jefferies."
And she went, "wait there."

00:20:33.233 --> 00:20:34.799
And i went, "jim jefferies."
And she went, "wait there."
Then she called her mom up and

00:20:34.801 --> 00:20:36.267
And she went, "wait there."
Then she called her mom up and
said, "hi, mom. It's carla."

00:20:36.269 --> 00:20:37.935
Then she called her mom up and
said, "hi, mom. It's carla."
I just met a very nice boy at

00:20:37.937 --> 00:20:39.604
Said, "hi, mom. It's carla."
I just met a very nice boy at
the audition today, and i'm

00:20:39.606 --> 00:20:41.105
I just met a very nice boy at
the audition today, and i'm
going to give him a lift.

00:20:41.107 --> 00:20:42.673
The audition today, and i'm
going to give him a lift.
But in case i get raped or

00:20:42.675 --> 00:20:46.310
Going to give him a lift.
But in case i get raped or
murdered, his name's

00:20:46.312 --> 00:20:47.445
But in case i get raped or
murdered, his name's
jim jefferies.

00:20:47.447 --> 00:20:49.180
Murdered, his name's
jim jefferies.
So if you don't hear from me in

00:20:49.182 --> 00:20:50.848
Jim jefferies.
So if you don't hear from me in
an hour, assume something bad

00:20:50.850 --> 00:20:54.385
So if you don't hear from me in
an hour, assume something bad
has happened and call the cops.

00:20:54.387 --> 00:20:57.888
An hour, assume something bad
has happened and call the cops.
Get it, jim!"

00:20:57.890 --> 00:20:59.357
Has happened and call the cops.
Get it, jim!"
So i get in.

00:20:59.359 --> 00:21:01.459
Get it, jim!"
So i get in.
We got like a 15-Mile drive.

00:21:01.461 --> 00:21:03.661
So i get in.
We got like a 15-Mile drive.
I say fucking nothing for the

00:21:03.663 --> 00:21:05.062
We got like a 15-Mile drive.
I say fucking nothing for the
first 5 miles.

00:21:05.064 --> 00:21:06.664
I say fucking nothing for the
first 5 miles.
I just look forward.

00:21:06.666 --> 00:21:09.033
First 5 miles.
I just look forward.
And eventually i turn to her and

00:21:09.035 --> 00:21:11.235
I just look forward.
And eventually i turn to her and
go, "you've just made this rape

00:21:11.237 --> 00:21:14.438
And eventually i turn to her and
go, "you've just made this rape
really awkward."

00:21:14.440 --> 00:21:18.175
Go, "you've just made this rape
really awkward."
She fucking freaks out!

00:21:18.177 --> 00:21:19.610
Really awkward."
She fucking freaks out!
She slams her foot on the

00:21:19.612 --> 00:21:20.177
She fucking freaks out!
She slams her foot on the
brakes.

00:21:20.179 --> 00:21:21.646
She slams her foot on the
brakes.
She skids off the highway.

00:21:21.648 --> 00:21:23.114
Brakes.
She skids off the highway.
She starts slapping at me.

00:21:23.116 --> 00:21:24.515
She skids off the highway.
She starts slapping at me.
I'm grabbing her wrists.

00:21:24.517 --> 00:21:26.117
She starts slapping at me.
I'm grabbing her wrists.
Now i feel kind of rapey, and

00:21:26.119 --> 00:21:28.619
I'm grabbing her wrists.
Now i feel kind of rapey, and
i didn't want to.

00:21:28.621 --> 00:21:30.021
Now i feel kind of rapey, and
i didn't want to.
And it's like, "you offered the

00:21:30.023 --> 00:21:31.155
I didn't want to.
And it's like, "you offered the
lift!

00:21:31.157 --> 00:21:32.790
And it's like, "you offered the
lift!
I didn't ask for the fucking

00:21:32.792 --> 00:21:33.791
Lift!
I didn't ask for the fucking
lift!

00:21:33.793 --> 00:21:35.326
I didn't ask for the fucking
lift!
You seem more concerned in

00:21:35.328 --> 00:21:36.727
Lift!
You seem more concerned in
solving this crime than

00:21:36.729 --> 00:21:41.966
You seem more concerned in
solving this crime than
preventing it."

00:21:41.968 --> 00:21:43.567
Solving this crime than
preventing it."
So, i raped her to teach her a

00:21:43.569 --> 00:21:45.736
Preventing it."
So, i raped her to teach her a
lesson, 'cause...

00:21:45.738 --> 00:21:49.073
So, i raped her to teach her a
lesson, 'cause...
[ applause ]

00:21:49.075 --> 00:21:54.745
Lesson, 'cause...
[ applause ]
...how else would she learn?

00:21:54.747 --> 00:21:56.113
[ Applause ]
...how else would she learn?
We're trying to sell this show

00:21:56.115 --> 00:21:57.048
...how else would she learn?
We're trying to sell this show
to the americans.

00:21:57.050 --> 00:22:01.519
We're trying to sell this show
to the americans.
I don't like our chances.

00:22:01.521 --> 00:22:03.120
To the americans.
I don't like our chances.
So, let's do something we can

00:22:03.122 --> 00:22:08.025
I don't like our chances.
So, let's do something we can
all enjoy.

00:22:08.027 --> 00:22:09.760
So, let's do something we can
all enjoy.
Sometimes when i'm fucking a

00:22:09.762 --> 00:22:13.731
All enjoy.
Sometimes when i'm fucking a
chick, i go to fuck them again

00:22:13.733 --> 00:22:15.032
Sometimes when i'm fucking a
chick, i go to fuck them again
in the morning, and they'll say

00:22:15.034 --> 00:22:17.301
Chick, i go to fuck them again
in the morning, and they'll say
something like this --

00:22:17.303 --> 00:22:23.941
In the morning, and they'll say
something like this --
"No.

00:22:23.943 --> 00:22:26.177
Something like this --
"No.
When we fucked last night, it

00:22:26.179 --> 00:22:28.379
"No.
When we fucked last night, it
was a little bit dry, and now

00:22:28.381 --> 00:22:30.648
When we fucked last night, it
was a little bit dry, and now
i'm sore."

00:22:30.650 --> 00:22:33.417
Was a little bit dry, and now
i'm sore."
Now, to any woman who's said

00:22:33.419 --> 00:22:35.586
I'm sore."
Now, to any woman who's said
something similar to this, may i

00:22:35.588 --> 00:22:40.224
Now, to any woman who's said
something similar to this, may i
say, "your problem.

00:22:40.226 --> 00:22:43.227
Something similar to this, may i
say, "your problem.
My job was to get an erection.

00:22:43.229 --> 00:22:44.962
Say, "your problem.
My job was to get an erection.
Your job was to get your hole

00:22:44.964 --> 00:22:46.964
My job was to get an erection.
Your job was to get your hole
wet.

00:22:46.966 --> 00:22:49.567
Your job was to get your hole
wet.
Didn't you get your hole wet?

00:22:49.569 --> 00:22:54.372
Wet.
Didn't you get your hole wet?
We both had things to do"?

00:22:54.374 --> 00:22:58.242
Didn't you get your hole wet?
We both had things to do"?
See...

00:22:58.244 --> 00:22:59.877
We both had things to do"?
See...
if i don't get an erection

00:22:59.879 --> 00:23:01.779
See...
if i don't get an erection
during sex, i'm called impotent.

00:23:01.781 --> 00:23:04.715
If i don't get an erection
during sex, i'm called impotent.
But a dry hole is the same as a

00:23:04.717 --> 00:23:06.250
During sex, i'm called impotent.
But a dry hole is the same as a
flaccid penis.

00:23:06.252 --> 00:23:09.120
But a dry hole is the same as a
flaccid penis.
A dry hole is an impotent hole

00:23:09.122 --> 00:23:10.788
Flaccid penis.
A dry hole is an impotent hole
and you're not a complete woman

00:23:10.790 --> 00:23:12.390
A dry hole is an impotent hole
and you're not a complete woman
and you should be ashamed of

00:23:12.392 --> 00:23:13.057
And you're not a complete woman
and you should be ashamed of
yourself.

00:23:13.059 --> 00:23:18.529
And you should be ashamed of
yourself.
[ Cheers and applause ]

00:23:18.531 --> 00:23:20.798
Yourself.
[ Cheers and applause ]
but women don't take

00:23:20.800 --> 00:23:23.067
[ Cheers and applause ]
but women don't take
responsibility for the dry hole.

00:23:23.069 --> 00:23:24.668
But women don't take
responsibility for the dry hole.
If i go to fuck a chick tonight

00:23:24.670 --> 00:23:26.137
Responsibility for the dry hole.
If i go to fuck a chick tonight
and i get too drunk, which i

00:23:26.139 --> 00:23:27.805
If i go to fuck a chick tonight
and i get too drunk, which i
will -- And i go to fuck a chick

00:23:27.807 --> 00:23:29.306
And i get too drunk, which i
will -- And i go to fuck a chick
and i don't get an erection,

00:23:29.308 --> 00:23:30.808
Will -- And i go to fuck a chick
and i don't get an erection,
she'll go back to her friends

00:23:30.810 --> 00:23:32.443
And i don't get an erection,
she'll go back to her friends
and go, "oh, i went to fuck that

00:23:32.445 --> 00:23:33.344
She'll go back to her friends
and go, "oh, i went to fuck that
jim jefferies.

00:23:33.346 --> 00:23:34.879
And go, "oh, i went to fuck that
jim jefferies.
He couldn't get an erection."

00:23:34.881 --> 00:23:36.447
Jim jefferies.
He couldn't get an erection."
But if i go to fuck a chick and

00:23:36.449 --> 00:23:37.982
He couldn't get an erection."
But if i go to fuck a chick and
she doesn't get wet, she'll go

00:23:37.984 --> 00:23:39.450
But if i go to fuck a chick and
she doesn't get wet, she'll go
back to her friends and go,

00:23:39.452 --> 00:23:41.585
She doesn't get wet, she'll go
back to her friends and go,
"i fucked jim jefferies.

00:23:41.587 --> 00:23:45.456
Back to her friends and go,
"i fucked jim jefferies.
He didn't even get me wet."

00:23:45.458 --> 00:23:47.691
"I fucked jim jefferies.
He didn't even get me wet."
Do you see the problem there?

00:23:47.693 --> 00:23:50.995
He didn't even get me wet."
Do you see the problem there?
I'm in charge of everything.

00:23:50.997 --> 00:23:53.464
Do you see the problem there?
I'm in charge of everything.
It's like -- I used to fuck this

00:23:53.466 --> 00:23:54.899
I'm in charge of everything.
It's like -- I used to fuck this
chick for a while.

00:23:54.901 --> 00:23:58.736
It's like -- I used to fuck this
chick for a while.
I start fucking her, and she

00:23:58.738 --> 00:23:59.970
Chick for a while.
I start fucking her, and she
sent me a text -- Well, you

00:23:59.972 --> 00:24:01.071
I start fucking her, and she
sent me a text -- Well, you
know, i just stopped calling

00:24:01.073 --> 00:24:02.373
Sent me a text -- Well, you
know, i just stopped calling
her, you know, just ignored her.

00:24:02.375 --> 00:24:04.508
Know, i just stopped calling
her, you know, just ignored her.
And she sent me a text message

00:24:04.510 --> 00:24:06.610
Her, you know, just ignored her.
And she sent me a text message
a month later that went, "oh,

00:24:06.612 --> 00:24:09.079
And she sent me a text message
a month later that went, "oh,
by the way, you never made me

00:24:09.081 --> 00:24:09.880
A month later that went, "oh,
by the way, you never made me
come."

00:24:09.882 --> 00:24:13.083
By the way, you never made me
come."
And i was like, "pfft, really?

00:24:13.085 --> 00:24:14.351
Come."
And i was like, "pfft, really?
You think you're the one who

00:24:14.353 --> 00:24:17.822
And i was like, "pfft, really?
You think you're the one who
makes me come?

00:24:17.824 --> 00:24:19.423
You think you're the one who
makes me come?
Do you want to know who makes

00:24:19.425 --> 00:24:20.057
Makes me come?
Do you want to know who makes
me come?

00:24:20.059 --> 00:24:21.158
Do you want to know who makes
me come?
I make me come!

00:24:21.160 --> 00:24:22.927
Me come?
I make me come!
All the horrible thoughts i

00:24:22.929 --> 00:24:24.829
I make me come!
All the horrible thoughts i
have in my fucking head makes

00:24:24.831 --> 00:24:25.563
All the horrible thoughts i
have in my fucking head makes
me come!

00:24:25.565 --> 00:24:27.264
Have in my fucking head makes
me come!
You have very little to do

00:24:27.266 --> 00:24:27.998
Me come!
You have very little to do
with it.

00:24:28.000 --> 00:24:29.733
You have very little to do
with it.
You're just the container i

00:24:29.735 --> 00:24:32.703
With it.
You're just the container i
shoot it into."

00:24:32.705 --> 00:24:37.808
You're just the container i
shoot it into."
[ Applause ]

00:24:37.810 --> 00:24:39.543
Shoot it into."
[ Applause ]
but let's go back to the dry

00:24:39.545 --> 00:24:42.680
[ Applause ]
but let's go back to the dry
cunt.

00:24:42.682 --> 00:24:44.081
But let's go back to the dry
cunt.
There are women in the room who

00:24:44.083 --> 00:24:45.449
Cunt.
There are women in the room who
are thinking, "maybe i wouldn't

00:24:45.451 --> 00:24:46.684
There are women in the room who
are thinking, "maybe i wouldn't
be dry if there was a bit of

00:24:46.686 --> 00:24:48.385
Are thinking, "maybe i wouldn't
be dry if there was a bit of
foreplay."

00:24:48.387 --> 00:24:50.454
Be dry if there was a bit of
foreplay."
Let's explain foreplay.

00:24:50.456 --> 00:24:52.289
Foreplay."
Let's explain foreplay.
Foreplay is what we do to each

00:24:52.291 --> 00:24:54.024
Let's explain foreplay.
Foreplay is what we do to each
other to get each other ready

00:24:54.026 --> 00:24:54.725
Foreplay is what we do to each
other to get each other ready
for sex.

00:24:54.727 --> 00:24:58.195
Other to get each other ready
for sex.
If i have an erection, that

00:24:58.197 --> 00:25:01.398
For sex.
If i have an erection, that
means i'm ready for sex and

00:25:01.400 --> 00:25:04.301
If i have an erection, that
means i'm ready for sex and
i'm all foreplayed out.

00:25:04.303 --> 00:25:05.669
Means i'm ready for sex and
i'm all foreplayed out.
Now, the foreplay that's

00:25:05.671 --> 00:25:07.404
I'm all foreplayed out.
Now, the foreplay that's
necessary for a woman goes like

00:25:07.406 --> 00:25:10.441
Now, the foreplay that's
necessary for a woman goes like
this -- You got to start by

00:25:10.443 --> 00:25:12.243
Necessary for a woman goes like
this -- You got to start by
kissing them.

00:25:12.245 --> 00:25:14.311
This -- You got to start by
kissing them.
Women love kissing.

00:25:14.313 --> 00:25:15.779
Kissing them.
Women love kissing.
Men don't give a shit about

00:25:15.781 --> 00:25:17.214
Women love kissing.
Men don't give a shit about
kissing.

00:25:17.216 --> 00:25:19.183
Men don't give a shit about
kissing.
We kiss you because we like you

00:25:19.185 --> 00:25:20.951
Kissing.
We kiss you because we like you
and -- Let's be honest -- We

00:25:20.953 --> 00:25:26.290
We kiss you because we like you
and -- Let's be honest -- We
spoil you.

00:25:26.292 --> 00:25:28.392
And -- Let's be honest -- We
spoil you.
Men don't give a fuck about

00:25:28.394 --> 00:25:29.260
Spoil you.
Men don't give a fuck about
kissing.

00:25:29.262 --> 00:25:31.362
Men don't give a fuck about
kissing.
Used to like kissing when we

00:25:31.364 --> 00:25:33.230
Kissing.
Used to like kissing when we
were in our early teens.

00:25:33.232 --> 00:25:36.867
Used to like kissing when we
were in our early teens.
Then someone sucked our dick.

00:25:36.869 --> 00:25:39.236
Were in our early teens.
Then someone sucked our dick.
And then, "what's this kissing

00:25:39.238 --> 00:25:39.970
Then someone sucked our dick.
And then, "what's this kissing
thing?

00:25:39.972 --> 00:25:41.772
And then, "what's this kissing
thing?
Why am i kissing this person?

00:25:41.774 --> 00:25:43.674
Thing?
Why am i kissing this person?
Why would i ride on the swings?

00:25:43.676 --> 00:25:45.009
Why am i kissing this person?
Why would i ride on the swings?
I've already been to

00:25:45.011 --> 00:25:50.114
Why would i ride on the swings?
I've already been to
disneyland."

00:25:50.116 --> 00:25:51.715
I've already been to
disneyland."
But we kiss you 'cause we like

00:25:51.717 --> 00:25:53.150
Disneyland."
But we kiss you 'cause we like
you and we're a charitable

00:25:53.152 --> 00:25:56.120
But we kiss you 'cause we like
you and we're a charitable
bunch.

00:25:56.122 --> 00:25:58.088
You and we're a charitable
bunch.
Then you start kissing down the

00:25:58.090 --> 00:25:58.622
Bunch.
Then you start kissing down the
neck.

00:25:58.624 --> 00:26:00.591
Then you start kissing down the
neck.
Now, the whole time you're doing

00:26:00.593 --> 00:26:02.526
Neck.
Now, the whole time you're doing
this, you're working downwards,

00:26:02.528 --> 00:26:04.662
Now, the whole time you're doing
this, you're working downwards,
towards the cunt.

00:26:04.664 --> 00:26:06.597
This, you're working downwards,
towards the cunt.
Now, you know you're going to

00:26:06.599 --> 00:26:07.364
Towards the cunt.
Now, you know you're going to
the cunt.

00:26:07.366 --> 00:26:09.300
Now, you know you're going to
the cunt.
She knows you're going to the

00:26:09.302 --> 00:26:09.867
The cunt.
She knows you're going to the
cunt.

00:26:09.869 --> 00:26:14.238
She knows you're going to the
cunt.
Everybody knows...you're going

00:26:14.240 --> 00:26:15.139
Cunt.
Everybody knows...you're going
to the cunt.

00:26:15.141 --> 00:26:17.374
Everybody knows...you're going
to the cunt.
But for some unbeknown reason,

00:26:17.376 --> 00:26:19.710
To the cunt.
But for some unbeknown reason,
you have to act like you're not

00:26:19.712 --> 00:26:21.712
But for some unbeknown reason,
you have to act like you're not
going to the cunt and that

00:26:21.714 --> 00:26:23.981
You have to act like you're not
going to the cunt and that
you're enjoying the journey of

00:26:23.983 --> 00:26:26.617
Going to the cunt and that
you're enjoying the journey of
this creature.

00:26:26.619 --> 00:26:28.152
You're enjoying the journey of
this creature.
Women -- You got to give them a

00:26:28.154 --> 00:26:28.752
This creature.
Women -- You got to give them a
journey.

00:26:28.754 --> 00:26:30.254
Women -- You got to give them a
journey.
Men don't give a shit about a

00:26:30.256 --> 00:26:30.854
Journey.
Men don't give a shit about a
journey.

00:26:30.856 --> 00:26:32.823
Men don't give a shit about a
journey.
If a man's driving from point

00:26:32.825 --> 00:26:34.758
Journey.
If a man's driving from point
"a" to point "b," we fill the

00:26:34.760 --> 00:26:36.727
If a man's driving from point
"a" to point "b," we fill the
tank, we get on the motorway,

00:26:36.729 --> 00:26:40.931
"A" to point "b," we fill the
tank, we get on the motorway,
we make good time, right?

00:26:40.933 --> 00:26:42.533
Tank, we get on the motorway,
we make good time, right?
With women, you got to give them

00:26:42.535 --> 00:26:43.834
We make good time, right?
With women, you got to give them
a fucking journey.

00:26:43.836 --> 00:26:46.937
With women, you got to give them
a fucking journey.
You got to take them by the

00:26:46.939 --> 00:26:50.774
A fucking journey.
You got to take them by the
water or antiquing or some shit.

00:26:50.776 --> 00:26:51.976
You got to take them by the
water or antiquing or some shit.
[ Chuckles ]

00:26:51.978 --> 00:26:54.144
Water or antiquing or some shit.
[ Chuckles ]
see, the thing is women read so

00:26:54.146 --> 00:26:56.347
[ Chuckles ]
see, the thing is women read so
many magazines about how to send

00:26:56.349 --> 00:26:58.048
See, the thing is women read so
many magazines about how to send
your man wild and how to

00:26:58.050 --> 00:27:00.217
Many magazines about how to send
your man wild and how to
titillate your man and all these

00:27:00.219 --> 00:27:01.986
Your man wild and how to
titillate your man and all these
25 steps to do all the --

00:27:01.988 --> 00:27:03.854
Titillate your man and all these
25 steps to do all the --
It's a lot of fucking bullshit.

00:27:03.856 --> 00:27:05.456
25 steps to do all the --
It's a lot of fucking bullshit.
Oh, "get a feather."

00:27:05.458 --> 00:27:07.024
It's a lot of fucking bullshit.
Oh, "get a feather."
"Involve food in the

00:27:07.026 --> 00:27:08.792
Oh, "get a feather."
"Involve food in the
relationship."

00:27:08.794 --> 00:27:10.194
"Involve food in the
relationship."
This is all bullshit.

00:27:10.196 --> 00:27:11.695
Relationship."
This is all bullshit.
"Play with his nipples."

00:27:11.697 --> 00:27:14.698
This is all bullshit.
"Play with his nipples."
These things are fucking dead!

00:27:14.700 --> 00:27:16.533
"Play with his nipples."
These things are fucking dead!
They're dead to me!

00:27:16.535 --> 00:27:17.968
These things are fucking dead!
They're dead to me!
These mean nothing!

00:27:17.970 --> 00:27:19.937
They're dead to me!
These mean nothing!
You could cut these off and

00:27:19.939 --> 00:27:22.206
These mean nothing!
You could cut these off and
donate them to some poor african

00:27:22.208 --> 00:27:24.808
You could cut these off and
donate them to some poor african
child without nipples!

00:27:24.810 --> 00:27:27.811
Donate them to some poor african
child without nipples!
I wouldn't give a fuck.

00:27:27.813 --> 00:27:29.613
Child without nipples!
I wouldn't give a fuck.
This is what we want you to

00:27:29.615 --> 00:27:31.749
I wouldn't give a fuck.
This is what we want you to
do -- Fucking suck our cock and

00:27:31.751 --> 00:27:32.850
This is what we want you to
do -- Fucking suck our cock and
cup our balls.

00:27:32.852 --> 00:27:34.685
Do -- Fucking suck our cock and
cup our balls.
And when you're sucking our

00:27:34.687 --> 00:27:36.754
Cup our balls.
And when you're sucking our
cock, look like you're in a bit

00:27:36.756 --> 00:27:38.789
And when you're sucking our
cock, look like you're in a bit
of pain because we enjoy it if

00:27:38.791 --> 00:27:40.357
Cock, look like you're in a bit
of pain because we enjoy it if
you look uncomfortable.

00:27:40.359 --> 00:27:46.830
Of pain because we enjoy it if
you look uncomfortable.
[ Cheers and applause ]

00:27:46.832 --> 00:27:51.335
You look uncomfortable.
[ Cheers and applause ]
anyway, but back to the lady --

00:27:51.337 --> 00:27:52.903
[ Cheers and applause ]
anyway, but back to the lady --
You keep kissing down.

00:27:52.905 --> 00:27:54.471
Anyway, but back to the lady --
You keep kissing down.
Now you're at the tits.

00:27:54.473 --> 00:27:56.273
You keep kissing down.
Now you're at the tits.
Now, tits are a mixed bag.

00:27:56.275 --> 00:27:58.175
Now you're at the tits.
Now, tits are a mixed bag.
Some tits you got to be firm

00:27:58.177 --> 00:27:58.776
Now, tits are a mixed bag.
Some tits you got to be firm
with.

00:27:58.778 --> 00:28:00.678
Some tits you got to be firm
with.
Some tits you got to be soft

00:28:00.680 --> 00:28:01.245
With.
Some tits you got to be soft
with.

00:28:01.247 --> 00:28:03.080
Some tits you got to be soft
with.
Some tits, you can bite the

00:28:03.082 --> 00:28:03.747
With.
Some tits, you can bite the
nipple.

00:28:03.749 --> 00:28:05.716
Some tits, you can bite the
nipple.
Some tits, don't even go near

00:28:05.718 --> 00:28:07.551
Nipple.
Some tits, don't even go near
the nipple.

00:28:07.553 --> 00:28:09.086
Some tits, don't even go near
the nipple.
Tits are like golf -- You play

00:28:09.088 --> 00:28:10.254
The nipple.
Tits are like golf -- You play
the course you're on.

00:28:10.256 --> 00:28:18.962
Tits are like golf -- You play
the course you're on.
Then...you keep kissing down.

00:28:18.964 --> 00:28:21.265
The course you're on.
Then...you keep kissing down.
Now you're at the cunt.

00:28:21.267 --> 00:28:23.067
Then...you keep kissing down.
Now you're at the cunt.
But even when you get to the

00:28:23.069 --> 00:28:25.269
Now you're at the cunt.
But even when you get to the
cunt, you have to act like

00:28:25.271 --> 00:28:26.837
But even when you get to the
cunt, you have to act like
you're not at the cunt.

00:28:26.839 --> 00:28:28.739
Cunt, you have to act like
you're not at the cunt.
You have to act like you've

00:28:28.741 --> 00:28:30.474
You're not at the cunt.
You have to act like you've
stumbled upon the cunt by

00:28:30.476 --> 00:28:32.476
You have to act like you've
stumbled upon the cunt by
accident.

00:28:32.478 --> 00:28:34.378
Stumbled upon the cunt by
accident.
So, you'll be kissing, like, a

00:28:34.380 --> 00:28:37.281
Accident.
So, you'll be kissing, like, a
dimple-Y bit of thigh here, and

00:28:37.283 --> 00:28:40.017
So, you'll be kissing, like, a
dimple-Y bit of thigh here, and
the cunt's there.

00:28:40.019 --> 00:28:42.019
Dimple-Y bit of thigh here, and
the cunt's there.
And you have to sort of almost,

00:28:42.021 --> 00:28:46.390
The cunt's there.
And you have to sort of almost,
"oh, hello!

00:28:46.392 --> 00:28:48.459
And you have to sort of almost,
"oh, hello!
I was visiting dimple-Y thigh.

00:28:48.461 --> 00:28:50.761
"Oh, hello!
I was visiting dimple-Y thigh.
I forgot you lived down here.

00:28:50.763 --> 00:28:52.896
I was visiting dimple-Y thigh.
I forgot you lived down here.
No, always a pleasure, never a

00:28:52.898 --> 00:28:54.998
I forgot you lived down here.
No, always a pleasure, never a
chore.

00:28:55.000 --> 00:28:58.402
No, always a pleasure, never a
chore.
Do you mind if i pop in?"

00:28:58.404 --> 00:29:02.473
Chore.
Do you mind if i pop in?"
Then you lick the whole general

00:29:02.475 --> 00:29:05.042
Do you mind if i pop in?"
Then you lick the whole general
cunt area.

00:29:05.044 --> 00:29:06.577
Then you lick the whole general
cunt area.
Then there's a bit at the top of

00:29:06.579 --> 00:29:08.479
Cunt area.
Then there's a bit at the top of
the cunt -- If you lick that,

00:29:08.481 --> 00:29:13.050
Then there's a bit at the top of
the cunt -- If you lick that,
they seem to enjoy it.

00:29:13.052 --> 00:29:15.486
The cunt -- If you lick that,
they seem to enjoy it.
This all takes between 10 and 40

00:29:15.488 --> 00:29:18.322
They seem to enjoy it.
This all takes between 10 and 40
minutes.

00:29:18.324 --> 00:29:24.661
This all takes between 10 and 40
minutes.
And she might be wet.

00:29:24.663 --> 00:29:26.230
Minutes.
And she might be wet.
And that's the foreplay that's

00:29:26.232 --> 00:29:28.599
And she might be wet.
And that's the foreplay that's
necessary for a woman.

00:29:28.601 --> 00:29:30.033
And that's the foreplay that's
necessary for a woman.
Now, the foreplay that's

00:29:30.035 --> 00:29:32.970
Necessary for a woman.
Now, the foreplay that's
necessary for a man -- We just

00:29:32.972 --> 00:29:35.973
Now, the foreplay that's
necessary for a man -- We just
need to see you naked.

00:29:35.975 --> 00:29:38.876
Necessary for a man -- We just
need to see you naked.
Maybe you need kisses, caresses,

00:29:38.878 --> 00:29:41.578
Need to see you naked.
Maybe you need kisses, caresses,
compliments, and licks, when all

00:29:41.580 --> 00:29:44.581
Maybe you need kisses, caresses,
compliments, and licks, when all
we need is you.

00:29:44.583 --> 00:29:46.583
Compliments, and licks, when all
we need is you.
Maybe we take our relationships

00:29:46.585 --> 00:29:48.752
We need is you.
Maybe we take our relationships
seriously.

00:29:48.754 --> 00:29:51.388
Maybe we take our relationships
seriously.
[ Cheers and applause ]

00:29:51.390 --> 00:30:15.979
[ Cheers and applause ]
how many more do you reckon
there is behind there?

00:30:15.981 --> 00:30:17.347
How many more do you reckon
there is behind there?
There's a dwarf behind there

00:30:17.349 --> 00:30:24.621
There is behind there?
There's a dwarf behind there
mixing me a cocktail.

00:30:24.623 --> 00:30:28.725
There's a dwarf behind there
mixing me a cocktail.
I am fucking drunk, though.

00:30:28.727 --> 00:30:30.994
Mixing me a cocktail.
I am fucking drunk, though.
All right.

00:30:30.996 --> 00:30:32.996
I am fucking drunk, though.
All right.
I'm gonna tell you a story.

00:30:32.998 --> 00:30:34.064
All right.
I'm gonna tell you a story.
This story's very long.

00:30:34.066 --> 00:30:35.432
I'm gonna tell you a story.
This story's very long.
The first three minutes of this

00:30:35.434 --> 00:30:38.001
This story's very long.
The first three minutes of this
story are very depressing.

00:30:38.003 --> 00:30:40.671
The first three minutes of this
story are very depressing.
Just hitching up my pants.

00:30:40.673 --> 00:30:41.905
Story are very depressing.
Just hitching up my pants.
The first three minutes of this

00:30:41.907 --> 00:30:43.073
Just hitching up my pants.
The first three minutes of this
story are very depressing, but

00:30:43.075 --> 00:30:44.174
The first three minutes of this
story are very depressing, but
there is a moment where this

00:30:44.176 --> 00:30:45.008
Story are very depressing, but
there is a moment where this
story takes flight.

00:30:45.010 --> 00:30:46.543
There is a moment where this
story takes flight.
And you have to hang in there

00:30:46.545 --> 00:30:48.078
Story takes flight.
And you have to hang in there
with me until this moment and

00:30:48.080 --> 00:30:49.713
And you have to hang in there
with me until this moment and
trust me that the story's gonna

00:30:49.715 --> 00:30:52.382
With me until this moment and
trust me that the story's gonna
get good.

00:30:52.384 --> 00:30:53.584
Trust me that the story's gonna
get good.
I grew up at number 3

00:30:53.586 --> 00:30:55.052
Get good.
I grew up at number 3
turramurra street.

00:30:55.054 --> 00:30:57.354
I grew up at number 3
turramurra street.
At number 5 was my two best

00:30:57.356 --> 00:30:59.790
Turramurra street.
At number 5 was my two best
childhood friends, andrew and

00:30:59.792 --> 00:31:01.859
At number 5 was my two best
childhood friends, andrew and
daniel connor.

00:31:01.861 --> 00:31:03.260
Childhood friends, andrew and
daniel connor.
Daniel was born with a disease

00:31:03.262 --> 00:31:04.461
Daniel connor.
Daniel was born with a disease
called muscular dystrophy.

00:31:04.463 --> 00:31:05.929
Daniel was born with a disease
called muscular dystrophy.
If you don't know what muscular

00:31:05.931 --> 00:31:07.297
Called muscular dystrophy.
If you don't know what muscular
dystrophy is, it's a horrible

00:31:07.299 --> 00:31:08.765
If you don't know what muscular
dystrophy is, it's a horrible
disease that wastes away at your

00:31:08.767 --> 00:31:09.299
Dystrophy is, it's a horrible
disease that wastes away at your
muscles.

00:31:09.301 --> 00:31:10.667
Disease that wastes away at your
muscles.
It's the same as lou gehrig's

00:31:10.669 --> 00:31:12.102
Muscles.
It's the same as lou gehrig's
disease or motor neuron disease,

00:31:12.104 --> 00:31:14.571
It's the same as lou gehrig's
disease or motor neuron disease,
except you're born with it.

00:31:14.573 --> 00:31:16.039
Disease or motor neuron disease,
except you're born with it.
You get diagnosed when you're

00:31:16.041 --> 00:31:17.541
Except you're born with it.
You get diagnosed when you're
about 6 years old, when you're

00:31:17.543 --> 00:31:19.042
You get diagnosed when you're
about 6 years old, when you're
not walking right and they put

00:31:19.044 --> 00:31:20.377
About 6 years old, when you're
not walking right and they put
you on crutches.

00:31:20.379 --> 00:31:22.179
Not walking right and they put
you on crutches.
By the time you're 10, you're in

00:31:22.181 --> 00:31:23.080
You on crutches.
By the time you're 10, you're in
a wheelchair.

00:31:23.082 --> 00:31:24.882
By the time you're 10, you're in
a wheelchair.
By the time you're 20, you're in

00:31:24.884 --> 00:31:26.583
A wheelchair.
By the time you're 20, you're in
a completely vegetative state.

00:31:26.585 --> 00:31:27.985
By the time you're 20, you're in
a completely vegetative state.
Most people die before their

00:31:27.987 --> 00:31:29.953
A completely vegetative state.
Most people die before their
25th birthday.

00:31:29.955 --> 00:31:32.656
Most people die before their
25th birthday.
Dan's lived to be 33 years old,

00:31:32.658 --> 00:31:35.325
25th birthday.
Dan's lived to be 33 years old,
still alive and kicking.

00:31:35.327 --> 00:31:38.996
Dan's lived to be 33 years old,
still alive and kicking.
Let me rephrase that --

00:31:38.998 --> 00:31:40.664
Still alive and kicking.
Let me rephrase that --
Still alive.

00:31:40.666 --> 00:31:43.033
Let me rephrase that --
Still alive.
[ Scattered applause ]

00:31:43.035 --> 00:31:44.701
Still alive.
[ Scattered applause ]
he's actually died seven times

00:31:44.703 --> 00:31:45.903
[ Scattered applause ]
he's actually died seven times
in his life and been

00:31:45.905 --> 00:31:47.871
He's actually died seven times
in his life and been
resuscitated -- Seven.

00:31:47.873 --> 00:31:49.406
In his life and been
resuscitated -- Seven.
And i once asked him -- I said,

00:31:49.408 --> 00:31:50.841
Resuscitated -- Seven.
And i once asked him -- I said,
"dan, what happens after you

00:31:50.843 --> 00:31:51.275
And i once asked him -- I said,
"dan, what happens after you
die?"

00:31:51.277 --> 00:31:54.778
"Dan, what happens after you
die?"
And he said, "nothing."

00:31:54.780 --> 00:31:56.413
Die?"
And he said, "nothing."
So, good luck with your religion

00:31:56.415 --> 00:31:59.583
And he said, "nothing."
So, good luck with your religion
and your faith.

00:31:59.585 --> 00:32:04.221
So, good luck with your religion
and your faith.
I'll take an actual statistic.

00:32:04.223 --> 00:32:05.956
And your faith.
I'll take an actual statistic.
Now, his family had since moved

00:32:05.958 --> 00:32:08.125
I'll take an actual statistic.
Now, his family had since moved
to melbourne.

00:32:08.127 --> 00:32:09.326
Now, his family had since moved
to melbourne.
I had moved to great britain.

00:32:09.328 --> 00:32:10.060
To melbourne.
I had moved to great britain.
I went to do the

00:32:10.062 --> 00:32:11.161
I had moved to great britain.
I went to do the
melbourne comedy festival.

00:32:11.163 --> 00:32:12.462
I went to do the
melbourne comedy festival.
This was about a year ago.

00:32:12.464 --> 00:32:14.164
Melbourne comedy festival.
This was about a year ago.
I hadn't seen him in all that

00:32:14.166 --> 00:32:14.665
This was about a year ago.
I hadn't seen him in all that
time.

00:32:14.667 --> 00:32:16.433
I hadn't seen him in all that
time.
His brother andrew came to see

00:32:16.435 --> 00:32:18.302
Time.
His brother andrew came to see
my show, and then andrew took me

00:32:18.304 --> 00:32:19.102
His brother andrew came to see
my show, and then andrew took me
to see dan.

00:32:19.104 --> 00:32:20.304
My show, and then andrew took me
to see dan.
And i went in to see him, and

00:32:20.306 --> 00:32:21.605
To see dan.
And i went in to see him, and
i'd never seen anyone live this

00:32:21.607 --> 00:32:22.606
And i went in to see him, and
i'd never seen anyone live this
long with this disease.

00:32:22.608 --> 00:32:23.674
I'd never seen anyone live this
long with this disease.
And he's laying on a bed.

00:32:23.676 --> 00:32:25.342
Long with this disease.
And he's laying on a bed.
His eyelids are a muscle that he

00:32:25.344 --> 00:32:26.810
And he's laying on a bed.
His eyelids are a muscle that he
can't keep open anymore, and

00:32:26.812 --> 00:32:28.245
His eyelids are a muscle that he
can't keep open anymore, and
he's just squinting through

00:32:28.247 --> 00:32:29.780
Can't keep open anymore, and
he's just squinting through
these little things and has a

00:32:29.782 --> 00:32:31.248
He's just squinting through
these little things and has a
breathing mask on him to keep

00:32:31.250 --> 00:32:32.816
These little things and has a
breathing mask on him to keep
his lungs working because the

00:32:32.818 --> 00:32:34.484
Breathing mask on him to keep
his lungs working because the
lungs are a muscle that he can't

00:32:34.486 --> 00:32:35.252
His lungs working because the
lungs are a muscle that he can't
keep pumping.

00:32:35.254 --> 00:32:36.653
Lungs are a muscle that he can't
keep pumping.
He has a heart-Monitoring

00:32:36.655 --> 00:32:38.322
Keep pumping.
He has a heart-Monitoring
machine in case he flatlines in

00:32:38.324 --> 00:32:39.790
He has a heart-Monitoring
machine in case he flatlines in
the middle of the night and

00:32:39.792 --> 00:32:41.425
Machine in case he flatlines in
the middle of the night and
someone has to resuscitate him.

00:32:41.427 --> 00:32:43.226
The middle of the night and
someone has to resuscitate him.
And as soon as i walked in and

00:32:43.228 --> 00:32:45.028
Someone has to resuscitate him.
And as soon as i walked in and
saw this guy that i used to run

00:32:45.030 --> 00:32:46.897
And as soon as i walked in and
saw this guy that i used to run
around with as a child, i burst

00:32:46.899 --> 00:32:48.365
Saw this guy that i used to run
around with as a child, i burst
into tears.

00:32:48.367 --> 00:32:49.566
Around with as a child, i burst
into tears.
There's nothing worse you can

00:32:49.568 --> 00:32:50.867
Into tears.
There's nothing worse you can
give anyone in this world than

00:32:50.869 --> 00:32:52.636
There's nothing worse you can
give anyone in this world than
pity, you know?

00:32:52.638 --> 00:32:54.037
Give anyone in this world than
pity, you know?
I went in the corridor.

00:32:54.039 --> 00:32:55.706
Pity, you know?
I went in the corridor.
I felt like a right prick.

00:32:55.708 --> 00:32:57.441
I went in the corridor.
I felt like a right prick.
And i was fucking wiping my eyes

00:32:57.443 --> 00:32:59.042
I felt like a right prick.
And i was fucking wiping my eyes
off.

00:32:59.044 --> 00:33:00.711
And i was fucking wiping my eyes
off.
And i went back in and i sat

00:33:00.713 --> 00:33:02.546
Off.
And i went back in and i sat
with dan, and his brother andrew

00:33:02.548 --> 00:33:03.680
And i went back in and i sat
with dan, and his brother andrew
went off to work.

00:33:03.682 --> 00:33:05.415
With dan, and his brother andrew
went off to work.
And me and dan chatted for

00:33:05.417 --> 00:33:07.084
Went off to work.
And me and dan chatted for
a while.

00:33:07.086 --> 00:33:08.618
And me and dan chatted for
a while.
20 minutes into the

00:33:08.620 --> 00:33:10.754
A while.
20 minutes into the
conversation, dan says to me,

00:33:10.756 --> 00:33:14.291
20 minutes into the
conversation, dan says to me,
"jim, i'm 32 years old.

00:33:14.293 --> 00:33:16.493
Conversation, dan says to me,
"jim, i'm 32 years old.
I've never been with a woman.

00:33:16.495 --> 00:33:17.627
"Jim, i'm 32 years old.
I've never been with a woman.
Will you take me to a

00:33:17.629 --> 00:33:18.729
I've never been with a woman.
Will you take me to a
prostitute?"

00:33:18.731 --> 00:33:20.764
Will you take me to a
prostitute?"
And that's where the story picks

00:33:20.766 --> 00:33:22.766
Prostitute?"
And that's where the story picks
up, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause

00:33:22.768 --> 00:33:24.868
And that's where the story picks
up, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause
i went, "fuck, yeah!"

00:33:24.870 --> 00:33:26.203
Up, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause
i went, "fuck, yeah!"
And he went, "but don't tell my

00:33:26.205 --> 00:33:26.670
I went, "fuck, yeah!"
And he went, "but don't tell my
brother.

00:33:26.672 --> 00:33:27.671
And he went, "but don't tell my
brother.
He wouldn't understand."

00:33:27.673 --> 00:33:29.106
Brother.
He wouldn't understand."
And i said, "that's where you're

00:33:29.108 --> 00:33:29.473
He wouldn't understand."
And i said, "that's where you're
wrong.

00:33:29.475 --> 00:33:30.640
And i said, "that's where you're
wrong.
I've known your brother my

00:33:30.642 --> 00:33:31.274
Wrong.
I've known your brother my
entire life.

00:33:31.276 --> 00:33:32.976
I've known your brother my
entire life.
Trust me -- He will understand."

00:33:32.978 --> 00:33:34.311
Entire life.
Trust me -- He will understand."
And against dan's will, when

00:33:34.313 --> 00:33:35.746
Trust me -- He will understand."
And against dan's will, when
andrew came home from work, i

00:33:35.748 --> 00:33:37.114
And against dan's will, when
andrew came home from work, i
pulled andrew aside and said,

00:33:37.116 --> 00:33:38.582
Andrew came home from work, i
pulled andrew aside and said,
"andrew, look, here's the deal.

00:33:38.584 --> 00:33:39.916
Pulled andrew aside and said,
"andrew, look, here's the deal.
Dan's asked me to take him to

00:33:39.918 --> 00:33:40.584
"Andrew, look, here's the deal.
Dan's asked me to take him to
a prostitute.

00:33:40.586 --> 00:33:42.019
Dan's asked me to take him to
a prostitute.
I'm gonna do it whether you like

00:33:42.021 --> 00:33:43.387
A prostitute.
I'm gonna do it whether you like
it or not, but i think, as his

00:33:43.389 --> 00:33:44.688
I'm gonna do it whether you like
it or not, but i think, as his
brother, you should come along

00:33:44.690 --> 00:33:45.422
It or not, but i think, as his
brother, you should come along
and help out."

00:33:45.424 --> 00:33:47.057
Brother, you should come along
and help out."
And andrew went, "we're not

00:33:47.059 --> 00:33:47.858
And help out."
And andrew went, "we're not
doing it."

00:33:47.860 --> 00:33:49.026
And andrew went, "we're not
doing it."
And i went, "why?"

00:33:49.028 --> 00:33:50.827
Doing it."
And i went, "why?"
And he went, "it'll kill him."

00:33:50.829 --> 00:33:52.162
And i went, "why?"
And he went, "it'll kill him."
And i went --

00:33:52.164 --> 00:33:57.067
And he went, "it'll kill him."
And i went --
[ Exhales heavily ]

00:33:57.069 --> 00:33:58.935
And i went --
[ Exhales heavily ]
"he's gonna die soon anyway.

00:33:58.937 --> 00:34:00.704
[ Exhales heavily ]
"he's gonna die soon anyway.
This is a good way for him to

00:34:00.706 --> 00:34:01.138
"He's gonna die soon anyway.
This is a good way for him to
go.

00:34:01.140 --> 00:34:03.073
This is a good way for him to
go.
Like, sure, we'll have to answer

00:34:03.075 --> 00:34:07.511
Go.
Like, sure, we'll have to answer
a few questions."

00:34:07.513 --> 00:34:08.844
Like, sure, we'll have to answer
a few questions."
And he said, "we're not doing

00:34:08.847 --> 00:34:09.146
A few questions."
And he said, "we're not doing
it."

00:34:09.148 --> 00:34:10.047
And he said, "we're not doing
it."
And i said, "why?"

00:34:10.049 --> 00:34:11.415
It."
And i said, "why?"
And he goes, "'cause mom doesn't

00:34:11.417 --> 00:34:13.516
And i said, "why?"
And he goes, "'cause mom doesn't
like you already!"

00:34:13.518 --> 00:34:15.485
And he goes, "'cause mom doesn't
like you already!"
And i went, "your mom's never

00:34:15.487 --> 00:34:16.620
Like you already!"
And i went, "your mom's never
liked me!

00:34:16.621 --> 00:34:18.155
And i went, "your mom's never
liked me!
That's why i'm the right guy to

00:34:18.157 --> 00:34:21.891
Liked me!
That's why i'm the right guy to
kill your brother!"

00:34:21.893 --> 00:34:23.159
That's why i'm the right guy to
kill your brother!"
And he said, "all right, we'll

00:34:23.161 --> 00:34:24.327
Kill your brother!"
And he said, "all right, we'll
do it, but he can't have full

00:34:24.329 --> 00:34:24.628
And he said, "all right, we'll
do it, but he can't have full
sex.

00:34:24.630 --> 00:34:26.263
Do it, but he can't have full
sex.
Full sex will kill him.

00:34:26.264 --> 00:34:27.998
Sex.
Full sex will kill him.
He can only have a blowjob."

00:34:28.000 --> 00:34:29.498
Full sex will kill him.
He can only have a blowjob."
And i thought that was fairly

00:34:29.501 --> 00:34:30.967
He can only have a blowjob."
And i thought that was fairly
reasonable.

00:34:30.969 --> 00:34:33.170
And i thought that was fairly
reasonable.
So, we went back in and saw dan.

00:34:33.172 --> 00:34:34.638
Reasonable.
So, we went back in and saw dan.
He was where we left him.

00:34:34.639 --> 00:34:40.177
So, we went back in and saw dan.
He was where we left him.
And we said...

00:34:40.179 --> 00:34:42.712
He was where we left him.
And we said...
"dan, here's the deal -- I know

00:34:42.714 --> 00:34:43.914
And we said...
"dan, here's the deal -- I know
you told me not to tell your

00:34:43.916 --> 00:34:45.047
"Dan, here's the deal -- I know
you told me not to tell your
brother, but i told your

00:34:45.050 --> 00:34:45.514
You told me not to tell your
brother, but i told your
brother.

00:34:45.516 --> 00:34:46.817
Brother, but i told your
brother.
Me and him are both gonna take

00:34:46.819 --> 00:34:48.185
Brother.
Me and him are both gonna take
you to the knock shop tomorrow,

00:34:48.187 --> 00:34:49.820
Me and him are both gonna take
you to the knock shop tomorrow,
mate, but you can't have full

00:34:49.822 --> 00:34:50.253
You to the knock shop tomorrow,
mate, but you can't have full
sex.

00:34:50.255 --> 00:34:51.955
Mate, but you can't have full
sex.
You can only have a blowjob."

00:34:51.956 --> 00:34:53.989
Sex.
You can only have a blowjob."
And dan went, "i want full sex."

00:34:53.992 --> 00:34:55.425
You can only have a blowjob."
And dan went, "i want full sex."
And his brother andrew went,

00:34:55.427 --> 00:34:57.694
And dan went, "i want full sex."
And his brother andrew went,
"dan, you're in no position to

00:34:57.696 --> 00:35:00.597
And his brother andrew went,
"dan, you're in no position to
argue with anyone, ever."

00:35:00.599 --> 00:35:02.799
"Dan, you're in no position to
argue with anyone, ever."
Then dan reluctantly agreed.

00:35:02.801 --> 00:35:05.869
Argue with anyone, ever."
Then dan reluctantly agreed.
Now, prostitution in australia

00:35:05.871 --> 00:35:07.637
Then dan reluctantly agreed.
Now, prostitution in australia
is legal, so i spent the rest of

00:35:07.639 --> 00:35:09.339
Now, prostitution in australia
is legal, so i spent the rest of
the afternoon going through the

00:35:09.341 --> 00:35:10.874
Is legal, so i spent the rest of
the afternoon going through the
phonebook, trying to find a

00:35:10.876 --> 00:35:13.743
The afternoon going through the
phonebook, trying to find a
brothel with wheelchair access.

00:35:13.745 --> 00:35:18.081
Phonebook, trying to find a
brothel with wheelchair access.
Best afternoon ever!

00:35:18.083 --> 00:35:20.517
Brothel with wheelchair access.
Best afternoon ever!
[ Scattered applause ]

00:35:20.519 --> 00:35:21.918
Best afternoon ever!
[ Scattered applause ]
eventually, i found one, the

00:35:21.920 --> 00:35:23.520
[ Scattered applause ]
eventually, i found one, the
biggest brothel in the southern

00:35:23.522 --> 00:35:24.988
Eventually, i found one, the
biggest brothel in the southern
hemisphere, the daily planet,

00:35:24.990 --> 00:35:26.556
Biggest brothel in the southern
hemisphere, the daily planet,
or, as the australians call it,

00:35:26.558 --> 00:35:29.826
Hemisphere, the daily planet,
or, as the australians call it,
"four floors of whores."

00:35:29.828 --> 00:35:32.195
Or, as the australians call it,
"four floors of whores."
It's a 24-Hour brothel because

00:35:32.197 --> 00:35:35.098
"Four floors of whores."
It's a 24-Hour brothel because
australia's a go-Ahead country.

00:35:35.100 --> 00:35:36.766
It's a 24-Hour brothel because
australia's a go-Ahead country.
So, we decided we were gonna go

00:35:36.768 --> 00:35:38.201
Australia's a go-Ahead country.
So, we decided we were gonna go
early in the morning, like

00:35:38.203 --> 00:35:39.769
So, we decided we were gonna go
early in the morning, like
really early, like 6:00 a.M.

00:35:39.771 --> 00:35:41.204
Early in the morning, like
really early, like 6:00 a.M.
We wanted to go in when the

00:35:41.206 --> 00:35:42.739
Really early, like 6:00 a.M.
We wanted to go in when the
place was quiet and we weren't

00:35:42.741 --> 00:35:44.574
We wanted to go in when the
place was quiet and we weren't
gonna cause a scene.

00:35:44.576 --> 00:35:46.042
Place was quiet and we weren't
gonna cause a scene.
So, we wake him up at 6:00 in

00:35:46.044 --> 00:35:46.810
Gonna cause a scene.
So, we wake him up at 6:00 in
the morning.

00:35:46.812 --> 00:35:48.411
So, we wake him up at 6:00 in
the morning.
It's hard to tell if he's awake.

00:35:48.413 --> 00:35:53.049
The morning.
It's hard to tell if he's awake.
And we get him in his chair.

00:35:53.051 --> 00:35:54.417
It's hard to tell if he's awake.
And we get him in his chair.
Now, he hasn't got your

00:35:54.419 --> 00:35:56.219
And we get him in his chair.
Now, he hasn't got your
bog-Standard fucking wheelchair.

00:35:56.221 --> 00:35:57.921
Now, he hasn't got your
bog-Standard fucking wheelchair.
He's got one of those big sort

00:35:57.923 --> 00:35:59.589
Bog-Standard fucking wheelchair.
He's got one of those big sort
of silver-Looking things with

00:35:59.591 --> 00:36:01.591
He's got one of those big sort
of silver-Looking things with
the truck tires on it.

00:36:01.593 --> 00:36:02.959
Of silver-Looking things with
the truck tires on it.
I think the model's called a

00:36:02.961 --> 00:36:04.027
The truck tires on it.
I think the model's called a
hawking.

00:36:04.029 --> 00:36:08.965
I think the model's called a
hawking.
And even though his muscles

00:36:08.967 --> 00:36:10.467
Hawking.
And even though his muscles
don't work, they get sore.

00:36:10.469 --> 00:36:12.235
And even though his muscles
don't work, they get sore.
So, this thing can move him from

00:36:12.237 --> 00:36:13.937
Don't work, they get sore.
So, this thing can move him from
side to side and back to front

00:36:13.939 --> 00:36:15.372
So, this thing can move him from
side to side and back to front
and even into a full bed.

00:36:15.374 --> 00:36:16.773
Side to side and back to front
and even into a full bed.
So, we get him in the chair.

00:36:16.775 --> 00:36:18.074
And even into a full bed.
So, we get him in the chair.
Then we order a taxi.

00:36:18.076 --> 00:36:19.476
So, we get him in the chair.
Then we order a taxi.
And then -- It's not like you

00:36:19.478 --> 00:36:20.777
Then we order a taxi.
And then -- It's not like you
have black cabs out there.

00:36:20.779 --> 00:36:23.013
And then -- It's not like you
have black cabs out there.
It's like a normal car, but

00:36:23.015 --> 00:36:25.482
Have black cabs out there.
It's like a normal car, but
they've modified the back to go

00:36:25.484 --> 00:36:27.851
It's like a normal car, but
they've modified the back to go
higher, and they drive him up

00:36:27.853 --> 00:36:30.353
They've modified the back to go
higher, and they drive him up
through the boot and they strap

00:36:30.355 --> 00:36:33.256
Higher, and they drive him up
through the boot and they strap
him in there and he sits up

00:36:33.258 --> 00:36:35.125
Through the boot and they strap
him in there and he sits up
high, with windows all around

00:36:35.127 --> 00:36:36.760
Him in there and he sits up
high, with windows all around
him, like a big, retarded

00:36:36.762 --> 00:36:39.196
High, with windows all around
him, like a big, retarded
pope...

00:36:39.198 --> 00:36:41.231
Him, like a big, retarded
pope...
or, as the catholics would say,

00:36:41.233 --> 00:36:44.067
Pope...
or, as the catholics would say,
the pope.

00:36:44.069 --> 00:36:46.703
Or, as the catholics would say,
the pope.
[ Applause ]

00:36:46.705 --> 00:36:49.139
The pope.
[ Applause ]
and we drive up to the brothel.

00:36:49.141 --> 00:36:50.907
[ Applause ]
and we drive up to the brothel.
Now, when we get to the brothel,

00:36:50.909 --> 00:36:52.576
And we drive up to the brothel.
Now, when we get to the brothel,
it takes 10 minutes to get him

00:36:52.578 --> 00:36:53.443
Now, when we get to the brothel,
it takes 10 minutes to get him
off the taxi.

00:36:53.445 --> 00:36:54.945
It takes 10 minutes to get him
off the taxi.
I see this as my window of

00:36:54.947 --> 00:36:56.580
Off the taxi.
I see this as my window of
opportunity, so while they're

00:36:56.582 --> 00:36:58.281
I see this as my window of
opportunity, so while they're
getting him off the taxi, i run

00:36:58.283 --> 00:36:59.349
Opportunity, so while they're
getting him off the taxi, i run
into the brothel.

00:36:59.351 --> 00:37:00.984
Getting him off the taxi, i run
into the brothel.
Now, there's two ways that

00:37:00.986 --> 00:37:01.985
Into the brothel.
Now, there's two ways that
brothels work.

00:37:01.987 --> 00:37:03.687
Now, there's two ways that
brothels work.
Either the prostitutes will

00:37:03.689 --> 00:37:05.622
Brothels work.
Either the prostitutes will
stand in a row in their lingerie

00:37:05.624 --> 00:37:07.457
Either the prostitutes will
stand in a row in their lingerie
and you just pick the one that

00:37:07.459 --> 00:37:09.092
Stand in a row in their lingerie
and you just pick the one that
you want, or they'll stand

00:37:09.094 --> 00:37:11.061
And you just pick the one that
you want, or they'll stand
around in a bar in evening gowns

00:37:11.063 --> 00:37:12.896
You want, or they'll stand
around in a bar in evening gowns
and high heels and you walk up

00:37:12.898 --> 00:37:14.631
Around in a bar in evening gowns
and high heels and you walk up
to the one that you like the

00:37:14.633 --> 00:37:16.533
And high heels and you walk up
to the one that you like the
look of, chat to her for a bit,

00:37:16.535 --> 00:37:18.501
To the one that you like the
look of, chat to her for a bit,
act like you've got some type of

00:37:18.503 --> 00:37:20.136
Look of, chat to her for a bit,
act like you've got some type of
connection with an eastern

00:37:20.138 --> 00:37:21.905
Act like you've got some type of
connection with an eastern
european woman, then take her

00:37:21.907 --> 00:37:23.673
Connection with an eastern
european woman, then take her
upstairs and fuck her if you

00:37:23.675 --> 00:37:25.242
European woman, then take her
upstairs and fuck her if you
need your life to be this

00:37:25.244 --> 00:37:27.244
Upstairs and fuck her if you
need your life to be this
delusional.

00:37:27.246 --> 00:37:29.079
Need your life to be this
delusional.
This is one of these situations.

00:37:29.081 --> 00:37:30.747
Delusional.
This is one of these situations.
So, while they're getting dan

00:37:30.749 --> 00:37:32.449
This is one of these situations.
So, while they're getting dan
out of the cab, i run into the

00:37:32.451 --> 00:37:33.950
So, while they're getting dan
out of the cab, i run into the
brothel and go, "everyone,

00:37:33.952 --> 00:37:37.654
Out of the cab, i run into the
brothel and go, "everyone,
quickly, gather 'round!

00:37:37.656 --> 00:37:40.690
Brothel and go, "everyone,
quickly, gather 'round!
I haven't got much time!"

00:37:40.692 --> 00:37:42.425
Quickly, gather 'round!
I haven't got much time!"
And these 14 bemused hookers

00:37:42.427 --> 00:37:44.027
I haven't got much time!"
And these 14 bemused hookers
shuffle over, and i went,

00:37:44.029 --> 00:37:47.964
And these 14 bemused hookers
shuffle over, and i went,
"look -- Here's the deal.

00:37:47.966 --> 00:37:50.267
Shuffle over, and i went,
"look -- Here's the deal.
I have a severely disabled

00:37:50.269 --> 00:37:51.334
"Look -- Here's the deal.
I have a severely disabled
friend with me.

00:37:51.336 --> 00:37:53.570
I have a severely disabled
friend with me.
If you're not up for it, speak

00:37:53.572 --> 00:37:57.173
Friend with me.
If you're not up for it, speak
now or forever hold your peace."

00:37:57.175 --> 00:37:59.009
If you're not up for it, speak
now or forever hold your peace."
And one of them went, "how bad

00:37:59.011 --> 00:37:59.609
Now or forever hold your peace."
And one of them went, "how bad
is he?"

00:37:59.611 --> 00:38:05.448
And one of them went, "how bad
is he?"
And i went, "[ chuckles ]

00:38:05.450 --> 00:38:08.051
Is he?"
And i went, "[ chuckles ]
pretty fucking bad."

00:38:08.053 --> 00:38:09.352
And i went, "[ chuckles ]
pretty fucking bad."
And 10 of them said they

00:38:09.354 --> 00:38:10.787
Pretty fucking bad."
And 10 of them said they
wouldn't do it, and i said,

00:38:10.789 --> 00:38:13.356
And 10 of them said they
wouldn't do it, and i said,
"well, i respect that, but can

00:38:13.358 --> 00:38:14.758
Wouldn't do it, and i said,
"well, i respect that, but can
you please go and hide?

00:38:14.760 --> 00:38:15.925
"Well, i respect that, but can
you please go and hide?
Because i don't want him to be

00:38:15.927 --> 00:38:19.095
You please go and hide?
Because i don't want him to be
rejected by hookers."

00:38:19.097 --> 00:38:21.064
Because i don't want him to be
rejected by hookers."
And these 10 girls shuffle away

00:38:21.066 --> 00:38:23.066
Rejected by hookers."
And these 10 girls shuffle away
in their evening gowns and their

00:38:23.068 --> 00:38:24.734
And these 10 girls shuffle away
in their evening gowns and their
high heels, with gonorrhea

00:38:24.736 --> 00:38:27.937
In their evening gowns and their
high heels, with gonorrhea
falling out of them.

00:38:27.939 --> 00:38:29.773
High heels, with gonorrhea
falling out of them.
I am now left with four girls.

00:38:29.775 --> 00:38:31.508
Falling out of them.
I am now left with four girls.
The best-Looking one by a mile

00:38:31.510 --> 00:38:32.208
I am now left with four girls.
The best-Looking one by a mile
stays.

00:38:32.210 --> 00:38:33.943
The best-Looking one by a mile
stays.
Dan wheels in, looking like

00:38:33.945 --> 00:38:35.779
Stays.
Dan wheels in, looking like
jabba the hut, breathing like

00:38:35.781 --> 00:38:37.714
Dan wheels in, looking like
jabba the hut, breathing like
darth vader.

00:38:37.716 --> 00:38:39.249
Jabba the hut, breathing like
darth vader.
Two of the girls run away, and

00:38:39.251 --> 00:38:40.550
Darth vader.
Two of the girls run away, and
i'm like, "are you fucking

00:38:40.552 --> 00:38:43.453
Two of the girls run away, and
i'm like, "are you fucking
kidding, you sluts?

00:38:43.455 --> 00:38:46.990
I'm like, "are you fucking
kidding, you sluts?
I just asked you nicely."

00:38:46.992 --> 00:38:48.358
Kidding, you sluts?
I just asked you nicely."
So we're now left with two

00:38:48.360 --> 00:38:49.259
I just asked you nicely."
So we're now left with two
girls.

00:38:49.261 --> 00:38:50.994
So we're now left with two
girls.
The best-Looking one's there.

00:38:50.996 --> 00:38:54.164
Girls.
The best-Looking one's there.
The other one's a fucking troll.

00:38:54.166 --> 00:38:56.266
The best-Looking one's there.
The other one's a fucking troll.
Now, out of respect for the ugly

00:38:56.268 --> 00:38:58.902
The other one's a fucking troll.
Now, out of respect for the ugly
one, i go to dan -- I go, "dan,

00:38:58.904 --> 00:39:01.438
Now, out of respect for the ugly
one, i go to dan -- I go, "dan,
there's only two girls working

00:39:01.440 --> 00:39:05.175
One, i go to dan -- I go, "dan,
there's only two girls working
today, mate.

00:39:05.177 --> 00:39:07.277
There's only two girls working
today, mate.
Which one do you want?"

00:39:07.279 --> 00:39:08.511
Today, mate.
Which one do you want?"
And he said, "the one in the

00:39:08.513 --> 00:39:09.979
Which one do you want?"
And he said, "the one in the
green dress."

00:39:09.981 --> 00:39:12.482
And he said, "the one in the
green dress."
Now, neither of them had a

00:39:12.484 --> 00:39:15.385
Green dress."
Now, neither of them had a
green dress.

00:39:15.387 --> 00:39:16.753
Now, neither of them had a
green dress.
I stand up and look at andrew

00:39:16.755 --> 00:39:18.188
Green dress.
I stand up and look at andrew
and went, "what the fuck is all

00:39:18.190 --> 00:39:18.888
I stand up and look at andrew
and went, "what the fuck is all
this about?"

00:39:18.890 --> 00:39:21.057
And went, "what the fuck is all
this about?"
And andrew went, "oh, yeah, his

00:39:21.059 --> 00:39:23.660
This about?"
And andrew went, "oh, yeah, his
eyes are fucked, as well."

00:39:23.662 --> 00:39:25.095
And andrew went, "oh, yeah, his
eyes are fucked, as well."
Now, it turns out that dan's

00:39:25.097 --> 00:39:25.729
Eyes are fucked, as well."
Now, it turns out that dan's
colorblind.

00:39:25.731 --> 00:39:27.263
Now, it turns out that dan's
colorblind.
It's not part of the condition.

00:39:27.265 --> 00:39:32.669
Colorblind.
It's not part of the condition.
It's just unfortunate.

00:39:32.671 --> 00:39:39.109
It's not part of the condition.
It's just unfortunate.
So...i sat with the hooker.

00:39:39.111 --> 00:39:40.543
It's just unfortunate.
So...i sat with the hooker.
Now, i'm gonna pay for

00:39:40.545 --> 00:39:44.180
So...i sat with the hooker.
Now, i'm gonna pay for
everything.

00:39:44.182 --> 00:39:45.448
Now, i'm gonna pay for
everything.
Now, the reason i'm gonna pay

00:39:45.450 --> 00:39:47.117
Everything.
Now, the reason i'm gonna pay
for everything is simple.

00:39:47.119 --> 00:39:48.852
Now, the reason i'm gonna pay
for everything is simple.
I told dan and andrew that i

00:39:48.854 --> 00:39:50.587
For everything is simple.
I told dan and andrew that i
would pay for everything, as

00:39:50.589 --> 00:39:52.522
I told dan and andrew that i
would pay for everything, as
long as i got to tell this story

00:39:52.524 --> 00:39:54.224
Would pay for everything, as
long as i got to tell this story
to hundreds of thousands of

00:39:54.226 --> 00:39:56.292
Long as i got to tell this story
to hundreds of thousands of
people in the future.

00:39:56.294 --> 00:39:58.294
To hundreds of thousands of
people in the future.
And they said, "of course you

00:39:58.296 --> 00:40:00.397
People in the future.
And they said, "of course you
can, jim, but be respectful and

00:40:00.399 --> 00:40:02.565
And they said, "of course you
can, jim, but be respectful and
change our names," which sounds

00:40:02.567 --> 00:40:04.734
Can, jim, but be respectful and
change our names," which sounds
like the right thing to do, now,

00:40:04.736 --> 00:40:07.504
Change our names," which sounds
like the right thing to do, now,
doesn't it?

00:40:07.506 --> 00:40:09.139
Like the right thing to do, now,
doesn't it?
Now, i haven't changed their

00:40:09.141 --> 00:40:11.040
Doesn't it?
Now, i haven't changed their
names.

00:40:11.042 --> 00:40:13.109
Now, i haven't changed their
names.
Their names are andrew and

00:40:13.111 --> 00:40:15.311
Names.
Their names are andrew and
daniel connor from st kilda,

00:40:15.313 --> 00:40:18.047
Their names are andrew and
daniel connor from st kilda,
melbourne, australia.

00:40:18.049 --> 00:40:19.582
Daniel connor from st kilda,
melbourne, australia.
I would have liked to have

00:40:19.584 --> 00:40:20.784
Melbourne, australia.
I would have liked to have
changed their names.

00:40:20.786 --> 00:40:22.419
I would have liked to have
changed their names.
It is the right thing to do.

00:40:22.421 --> 00:40:24.421
Changed their names.
It is the right thing to do.
But i look at this way -- Even

00:40:24.423 --> 00:40:26.322
It is the right thing to do.
But i look at this way -- Even
if i changed their names and

00:40:26.324 --> 00:40:28.324
But i look at this way -- Even
if i changed their names and
their parents started watching

00:40:28.326 --> 00:40:30.326
If i changed their names and
their parents started watching
my comedy, they'd be like, "my

00:40:30.328 --> 00:40:32.429
Their parents started watching
my comedy, they'd be like, "my
word, doesn't 'randy' and

00:40:32.431 --> 00:40:37.500
My comedy, they'd be like, "my
word, doesn't 'randy' and
'steve' sound like our kids?

00:40:37.502 --> 00:40:39.402
Word, doesn't 'randy' and
'steve' sound like our kids?
Didn't jim grow up with a lot of

00:40:39.404 --> 00:40:47.477
'Steve' sound like our kids?
Didn't jim grow up with a lot of
people with muscular dystrophy?"

00:40:47.479 --> 00:40:49.012
Didn't jim grow up with a lot of
people with muscular dystrophy?"
So, i sat there with the hooker,

00:40:49.014 --> 00:40:50.413
People with muscular dystrophy?"
So, i sat there with the hooker,
and i said, "how much for the

00:40:50.415 --> 00:40:51.080
So, i sat there with the hooker,
and i said, "how much for the
half-Hour?"

00:40:51.082 --> 00:40:52.148
And i said, "how much for the
half-Hour?"
And she said, "$180."

00:40:52.150 --> 00:40:53.650
Half-Hour?"
And she said, "$180."
And i said, "i'll give you $250

00:40:53.652 --> 00:40:55.318
And she said, "$180."
And i said, "i'll give you $250
'cause i realize this is a

00:40:55.320 --> 00:40:57.520
And i said, "i'll give you $250
'cause i realize this is a
specialty thing you're doing."

00:40:57.522 --> 00:40:58.788
'Cause i realize this is a
specialty thing you're doing."
And she goes, "i got one

00:40:58.790 --> 00:41:00.256
Specialty thing you're doing."
And she goes, "i got one
question for you," and i said,

00:41:00.258 --> 00:41:03.359
And she goes, "i got one
question for you," and i said,
"shoot," and she went...

00:41:03.361 --> 00:41:06.162
Question for you," and i said,
"shoot," and she went...
"is he mentally retarded?"

00:41:06.164 --> 00:41:13.870
"Shoot," and she went...
"is he mentally retarded?"
And i went...

00:41:13.872 --> 00:41:16.239
"Is he mentally retarded?"
And i went...
"oh, yeah.

00:41:16.241 --> 00:41:18.308
And i went...
"oh, yeah.
That's what i do.

00:41:18.310 --> 00:41:21.344
"Oh, yeah.
That's what i do.
I find mentally retarded people

00:41:21.346 --> 00:41:25.982
That's what i do.
I find mentally retarded people
and take them to prostitutes.

00:41:25.984 --> 00:41:27.784
I find mentally retarded people
and take them to prostitutes.
I'll be masturbating in the

00:41:27.786 --> 00:41:30.453
And take them to prostitutes.
I'll be masturbating in the
corner.

00:41:30.455 --> 00:41:33.556
I'll be masturbating in the
corner.
He doesn't even know he's here."

00:41:33.558 --> 00:41:35.225
Corner.
He doesn't even know he's here."
And she went, "okay, then, but

00:41:35.227 --> 00:41:36.626
He doesn't even know he's here."
And she went, "okay, then, but
if there's two of you --"

00:41:36.628 --> 00:41:40.129
And she went, "okay, then, but
if there's two of you --"
"No, he's not mentally retarded!

00:41:40.131 --> 00:41:41.631
If there's two of you --"
"No, he's not mentally retarded!
It's his choice to come here!

00:41:41.633 --> 00:41:42.832
"No, he's not mentally retarded!
It's his choice to come here!
There's a good chance he'll

00:41:42.834 --> 00:41:46.002
It's his choice to come here!
There's a good chance he'll
die!"

00:41:46.004 --> 00:41:47.537
There's a good chance he'll
die!"
And she went, "what am i meant

00:41:47.539 --> 00:41:48.438
Die!"
And she went, "what am i meant
to do with him?"

00:41:48.440 --> 00:41:50.807
And she went, "what am i meant
to do with him?"
And i went, "i don't know.

00:41:50.809 --> 00:41:54.577
To do with him?"
And i went, "i don't know.
I've never been a hooker.

00:41:54.579 --> 00:41:56.946
And i went, "i don't know.
I've never been a hooker.
But i'm thinking give him a bit

00:41:56.948 --> 00:41:57.914
I've never been a hooker.
But i'm thinking give him a bit
of a show.

00:41:57.916 --> 00:41:59.983
But i'm thinking give him a bit
of a show.
Dance it around a bit.

00:41:59.985 --> 00:42:02.185
Of a show.
Dance it around a bit.
Rub your tits in his face.

00:42:02.187 --> 00:42:04.521
Dance it around a bit.
Rub your tits in his face.
Then suck him off.

00:42:04.523 --> 00:42:06.289
Rub your tits in his face.
Then suck him off.
But don't sit on him or fuck

00:42:06.291 --> 00:42:07.790
Then suck him off.
But don't sit on him or fuck
him.

00:42:07.792 --> 00:42:14.097
But don't sit on him or fuck
him.
It'll kill him."

00:42:14.099 --> 00:42:15.532
Him.
It'll kill him."
So, we go up to the room, which,

00:42:15.534 --> 00:42:16.799
It'll kill him."
So, we go up to the room, which,
thank god, was on the first

00:42:16.801 --> 00:42:20.703
So, we go up to the room, which,
thank god, was on the first
floor.

00:42:20.705 --> 00:42:22.705
Thank god, was on the first
floor.
And me and andrew look at dan

00:42:22.707 --> 00:42:24.874
Floor.
And me and andrew look at dan
like two proud parents, watching

00:42:24.876 --> 00:42:26.910
And me and andrew look at dan
like two proud parents, watching
our child go to school for the

00:42:26.912 --> 00:42:34.083
Like two proud parents, watching
our child go to school for the
first time.

00:42:34.085 --> 00:42:34.918
Our child go to school for the
first time.
And then we leave.

00:42:34.920 --> 00:42:36.119
First time.
And then we leave.
And as we proceed to leave, i

00:42:36.121 --> 00:42:37.320
And then we leave.
And as we proceed to leave, i
pat andrew on the back, and i

00:42:37.322 --> 00:42:38.488
And as we proceed to leave, i
pat andrew on the back, and i
said, "andrew, you've been a

00:42:38.490 --> 00:42:39.389
Pat andrew on the back, and i
said, "andrew, you've been a
good brother today."

00:42:39.391 --> 00:42:40.490
Said, "andrew, you've been a
good brother today."
He said, "thanks, mate."

00:42:40.492 --> 00:42:41.357
Good brother today."
He said, "thanks, mate."
Then we had a hug.

00:42:41.359 --> 00:42:42.559
He said, "thanks, mate."
Then we had a hug.
And then we had that moment

00:42:42.561 --> 00:42:43.826
Then we had a hug.
And then we had that moment
after our hug that australian

00:42:43.828 --> 00:42:45.194
And then we had that moment
after our hug that australian
men have, where we go, "ah, get

00:42:45.196 --> 00:42:45.828
After our hug that australian
men have, where we go, "ah, get
out of here.

00:42:45.830 --> 00:42:48.264
Men have, where we go, "ah, get
out of here.
What's wrong with ya?"

00:42:48.266 --> 00:42:50.667
Out of here.
What's wrong with ya?"
And then i said, "hey, andrew,

00:42:50.669 --> 00:42:52.402
What's wrong with ya?"
And then i said, "hey, andrew,
how does dan get his clothes

00:42:52.404 --> 00:42:54.704
And then i said, "hey, andrew,
how does dan get his clothes
off?"

00:42:54.706 --> 00:42:57.240
How does dan get his clothes
off?"
And andrew went...

00:42:57.242 --> 00:42:59.442
Off?"
And andrew went...
"fuck!"

00:42:59.444 --> 00:43:02.478
And andrew went...
"fuck!"
And we went back in.

00:43:02.480 --> 00:43:03.746
"Fuck!"
And we went back in.
Andrew looks him up and down,

00:43:03.748 --> 00:43:04.981
And we went back in.
Andrew looks him up and down,
and he turns to me and goes,

00:43:04.983 --> 00:43:07.750
Andrew looks him up and down,
and he turns to me and goes,
"look -- He's very fragile.

00:43:07.752 --> 00:43:09.152
And he turns to me and goes,
"look -- He's very fragile.
I know how he likes to be

00:43:09.154 --> 00:43:10.587
"Look -- He's very fragile.
I know how he likes to be
picked up.

00:43:10.589 --> 00:43:11.654
I know how he likes to be
picked up.
I'll lift him up.

00:43:11.656 --> 00:43:13.923
Picked up.
I'll lift him up.
You take his pants off."

00:43:13.925 --> 00:43:15.592
I'll lift him up.
You take his pants off."
Andrew gets behind, lifts him up

00:43:15.594 --> 00:43:16.893
You take his pants off."
Andrew gets behind, lifts him up
by his armpits -- Like i

00:43:16.895 --> 00:43:18.461
Andrew gets behind, lifts him up
by his armpits -- Like i
couldn't have figured out their

00:43:18.463 --> 00:43:23.366
By his armpits -- Like i
couldn't have figured out their
magical hold.

00:43:23.368 --> 00:43:25.201
Couldn't have figured out their
magical hold.
I'm on my knees taking dan's

00:43:25.203 --> 00:43:26.636
Magical hold.
I'm on my knees taking dan's
track-Suit pants off.

00:43:26.638 --> 00:43:28.705
I'm on my knees taking dan's
track-Suit pants off.
He always wore track-Suit pants,

00:43:28.707 --> 00:43:30.273
Track-Suit pants off.
He always wore track-Suit pants,
never got into fashion.

00:43:30.275 --> 00:43:32.642
He always wore track-Suit pants,
never got into fashion.
And as i'm taking his track-Suit

00:43:32.644 --> 00:43:34.978
Never got into fashion.
And as i'm taking his track-Suit
pants off, what many of you are

00:43:34.980 --> 00:43:37.146
And as i'm taking his track-Suit
pants off, what many of you are
wondering is, "can dan get an

00:43:37.148 --> 00:43:40.149
Pants off, what many of you are
wondering is, "can dan get an
erection?"

00:43:40.151 --> 00:43:43.019
Wondering is, "can dan get an
erection?"
And the answer is, "yes."

00:43:43.021 --> 00:43:44.287
Erection?"
And the answer is, "yes."
Even though none of the muscles

00:43:44.289 --> 00:43:45.521
And the answer is, "yes."
Even though none of the muscles
in his body work, the cock is

00:43:45.523 --> 00:43:46.155
Even though none of the muscles
in his body work, the cock is
not a muscle.

00:43:46.157 --> 00:43:47.323
In his body work, the cock is
not a muscle.
The cock is a bit of skin that

00:43:47.325 --> 00:43:48.191
Not a muscle.
The cock is a bit of skin that
fills with blood.

00:43:48.193 --> 00:43:49.959
The cock is a bit of skin that
fills with blood.
If he gets aroused up here,

00:43:49.961 --> 00:43:51.594
Fills with blood.
If he gets aroused up here,
blood will rush to there.

00:43:51.596 --> 00:43:55.865
If he gets aroused up here,
blood will rush to there.
Now, what nobody knew about this

00:43:55.867 --> 00:43:59.402
Blood will rush to there.
Now, what nobody knew about this
32-Year-Old virgin is that dan's

00:43:59.404 --> 00:44:01.838
Now, what nobody knew about this
32-Year-Old virgin is that dan's
packing heat!

00:44:01.840 --> 00:44:04.307
32-Year-Old virgin is that dan's
packing heat!
I'm talking 9 1/2 inches of

00:44:04.309 --> 00:44:06.843
Packing heat!
I'm talking 9 1/2 inches of
disabled misery.

00:44:06.845 --> 00:44:08.378
I'm talking 9 1/2 inches of
disabled misery.
This cock's so fucking big, i

00:44:08.380 --> 00:44:10.079
Disabled misery.
This cock's so fucking big, i
think that's why the rest of his

00:44:10.081 --> 00:44:12.181
This cock's so fucking big, i
think that's why the rest of his
muscles didn't work.

00:44:12.183 --> 00:44:13.650
Think that's why the rest of his
muscles didn't work.
I take the pants off.

00:44:13.652 --> 00:44:15.585
Muscles didn't work.
I take the pants off.
This thing springs up and hits

00:44:15.587 --> 00:44:17.553
I take the pants off.
This thing springs up and hits
me in the mouth.

00:44:17.555 --> 00:44:32.502
Then the hooker goes, "let's do
the light."
Let's explain the light.

00:44:32.504 --> 00:44:34.037
The light."
Let's explain the light.
When they legalized prostitution

00:44:34.039 --> 00:44:35.238
Let's explain the light.
When they legalized prostitution
in australia, they didn't

00:44:35.240 --> 00:44:36.506
When they legalized prostitution
in australia, they didn't
legalize it in all forms.

00:44:36.508 --> 00:44:37.940
In australia, they didn't
legalize it in all forms.
For instance, you cannot get a

00:44:37.942 --> 00:44:39.042
Legalize it in all forms.
For instance, you cannot get a
street-Walking hooker.

00:44:39.044 --> 00:44:40.510
For instance, you cannot get a
street-Walking hooker.
You cannot get a prostitute to

00:44:40.512 --> 00:44:41.377
Street-Walking hooker.
You cannot get a prostitute to
your hotel room.

00:44:41.379 --> 00:44:42.879
You cannot get a prostitute to
your hotel room.
You can only go to a brothel, in

00:44:42.881 --> 00:44:44.313
Your hotel room.
You can only go to a brothel, in
a safe environment, where they

00:44:44.315 --> 00:44:45.782
You can only go to a brothel, in
a safe environment, where they
have security for the girls in

00:44:45.784 --> 00:44:47.116
A safe environment, where they
have security for the girls in
case a man shows up being a

00:44:47.118 --> 00:44:49.419
Have security for the girls in
case a man shows up being a
drunken dickhead or whatever.

00:44:49.421 --> 00:44:51.154
Case a man shows up being a
drunken dickhead or whatever.
And also it's safer for the

00:44:51.156 --> 00:44:52.855
Drunken dickhead or whatever.
And also it's safer for the
people that go to brothels

00:44:52.857 --> 00:44:54.924
And also it's safer for the
people that go to brothels
because the girls get tested for

00:44:54.926 --> 00:44:56.693
People that go to brothels
because the girls get tested for
stds every month.

00:44:56.695 --> 00:44:59.495
Because the girls get tested for
stds every month.
So, arguably, you're better off

00:44:59.497 --> 00:45:01.531
Stds every month.
So, arguably, you're better off
in australia fucking a

00:45:01.533 --> 00:45:04.133
So, arguably, you're better off
in australia fucking a
prostitute than picking up a

00:45:04.135 --> 00:45:05.601
In australia fucking a
prostitute than picking up a
girl in a bar.

00:45:05.603 --> 00:45:07.503
Prostitute than picking up a
girl in a bar.
But i'm not gonna have that

00:45:07.505 --> 00:45:10.239
Girl in a bar.
But i'm not gonna have that
conversation again.

00:45:10.241 --> 00:45:12.975
But i'm not gonna have that
conversation again.
All my -- You try explaining

00:45:12.977 --> 00:45:13.976
Conversation again.
All my -- You try explaining
that to a girlfriend.

00:45:13.978 --> 00:45:19.215
All my -- You try explaining
that to a girlfriend.
It's a fucking minefield.

00:45:19.217 --> 00:45:21.050
That to a girlfriend.
It's a fucking minefield.
But also they make it safe for

00:45:21.052 --> 00:45:21.818
It's a fucking minefield.
But also they make it safe for
the girls.

00:45:21.820 --> 00:45:23.619
But also they make it safe for
the girls.
If you're a guy who goes to a

00:45:23.621 --> 00:45:25.455
The girls.
If you're a guy who goes to a
prostitute, you have to undergo

00:45:25.457 --> 00:45:26.255
If you're a guy who goes to a
prostitute, you have to undergo
the light.

00:45:26.257 --> 00:45:27.323
Prostitute, you have to undergo
the light.
Let's explain the light.

00:45:27.325 --> 00:45:28.324
The light.
Let's explain the light.
It's very simple.

00:45:28.326 --> 00:45:30.593
Let's explain the light.
It's very simple.
It sounds like what it is.

00:45:30.595 --> 00:45:33.796
It's very simple.
It sounds like what it is.
You put your cock under a very

00:45:33.798 --> 00:45:36.165
It sounds like what it is.
You put your cock under a very
bright light, and they look

00:45:36.167 --> 00:45:38.501
You put your cock under a very
bright light, and they look
around the shaft to see if

00:45:38.503 --> 00:45:40.703
Bright light, and they look
around the shaft to see if
there's anything untoward.

00:45:40.705 --> 00:45:42.872
Around the shaft to see if
there's anything untoward.
Then they get a magnifying glass

00:45:42.874 --> 00:45:44.874
There's anything untoward.
Then they get a magnifying glass
out, go through your pubes to

00:45:44.876 --> 00:45:46.743
Then they get a magnifying glass
out, go through your pubes to
make sure nothing's running

00:45:46.745 --> 00:45:50.279
Out, go through your pubes to
make sure nothing's running
around.

00:45:50.281 --> 00:45:51.714
Make sure nothing's running
around.
It's not a big deal.

00:45:51.716 --> 00:45:52.982
Around.
It's not a big deal.
I've been rejected heaps of

00:45:52.984 --> 00:45:56.285
It's not a big deal.
I've been rejected heaps of
times.

00:45:56.287 --> 00:45:58.254
I've been rejected heaps of
times.
Now, the chair's here.

00:45:58.256 --> 00:45:59.822
Times.
Now, the chair's here.
There's a bed here.

00:45:59.824 --> 00:46:01.624
Now, the chair's here.
There's a bed here.
There's a hot tub there.

00:46:01.626 --> 00:46:03.025
There's a bed here.
There's a hot tub there.
The light's over there.

00:46:03.027 --> 00:46:05.061
There's a hot tub there.
The light's over there.
Now, we try to get the chair

00:46:05.063 --> 00:46:07.130
The light's over there.
Now, we try to get the chair
past the bed and the hot tub,

00:46:07.132 --> 00:46:09.165
Now, we try to get the chair
past the bed and the hot tub,
but we can't get it through.

00:46:09.167 --> 00:46:10.199
Past the bed and the hot tub,
but we can't get it through.
So, me and andrew walk over to

00:46:10.201 --> 00:46:11.300
But we can't get it through.
So, me and andrew walk over to
the hooker, and we're whispering

00:46:11.302 --> 00:46:12.268
So, me and andrew walk over to
the hooker, and we're whispering
'cause we don't want dan to

00:46:12.270 --> 00:46:12.568
The hooker, and we're whispering
'cause we don't want dan to
hear.

00:46:12.570 --> 00:46:16.005
'Cause we don't want dan to
hear.
We're like, "um...we can't do

00:46:16.007 --> 00:46:18.474
Hear.
We're like, "um...we can't do
the light thing."

00:46:18.476 --> 00:46:20.376
We're like, "um...we can't do
the light thing."
And she goes, "if you don't do

00:46:20.378 --> 00:46:22.712
The light thing."
And she goes, "if you don't do
the light, i'm not doing it."

00:46:22.714 --> 00:46:26.215
And she goes, "if you don't do
the light, i'm not doing it."
And me and andrew went, "aw.

00:46:26.217 --> 00:46:28.885
The light, i'm not doing it."
And me and andrew went, "aw.
Come on.

00:46:28.887 --> 00:46:29.719
And me and andrew went, "aw.
Come on.
He's a virgin.

00:46:29.721 --> 00:46:31.120
Come on.
He's a virgin.
What's the worst that could

00:46:31.122 --> 00:46:31.654
He's a virgin.
What's the worst that could
happen?"

00:46:31.656 --> 00:46:35.658
What's the worst that could
happen?"
And she whispered, "actually,

00:46:35.660 --> 00:46:36.959
Happen?"
And she whispered, "actually,
i'm more concerned about his

00:46:36.961 --> 00:46:39.028
And she whispered, "actually,
i'm more concerned about his
cleanliness."

00:46:39.030 --> 00:46:40.797
I'm more concerned about his
cleanliness."
And then his brother andrew said

00:46:40.799 --> 00:46:44.167
Cleanliness."
And then his brother andrew said
loudly and proudly, "i washed it

00:46:44.169 --> 00:46:47.436
And then his brother andrew said
loudly and proudly, "i washed it
before we came out!"

00:46:47.438 --> 00:46:49.038
Loudly and proudly, "i washed it
before we came out!"
Now, you may think you're a good

00:46:49.040 --> 00:46:50.373
Before we came out!"
Now, you may think you're a good
brother, good sister, good

00:46:50.375 --> 00:46:51.941
Now, you may think you're a good
brother, good sister, good
mother, good daughter, whatever

00:46:51.943 --> 00:46:53.409
Brother, good sister, good
mother, good daughter, whatever
the fuck you think you are in

00:46:53.411 --> 00:46:54.911
Mother, good daughter, whatever
the fuck you think you are in
this world, but you're nothing

00:46:54.913 --> 00:46:56.145
The fuck you think you are in
this world, but you're nothing
until you've washed your

00:46:56.147 --> 00:46:57.713
This world, but you're nothing
until you've washed your
disabled brother's cock to take

00:46:57.715 --> 00:47:00.082
Until you've washed your
disabled brother's cock to take
him to a prostitute!

00:47:00.084 --> 00:47:01.818
Disabled brother's cock to take
him to a prostitute!
That is love, ladies and

00:47:01.820 --> 00:47:03.920
Him to a prostitute!
That is love, ladies and
gentlemen -- Tangible fucking

00:47:03.922 --> 00:47:09.025
That is love, ladies and
gentlemen -- Tangible fucking
love.

00:47:09.027 --> 00:47:10.226
Gentlemen -- Tangible fucking
love.
So, we looked at dan.

00:47:10.228 --> 00:47:11.861
Love.
So, we looked at dan.
Everyone agreed it was time to

00:47:11.863 --> 00:47:14.030
So, we looked at dan.
Everyone agreed it was time to
go.

00:47:14.032 --> 00:47:15.598
Everyone agreed it was time to
go.
We looked at dan.

00:47:15.600 --> 00:47:17.166
Go.
We looked at dan.
Me and andrew looked at him and

00:47:17.168 --> 00:47:23.940
We looked at dan.
Me and andrew looked at him and
went, "we're going now, mate.

00:47:23.942 --> 00:47:25.074
Me and andrew looked at him and
went, "we're going now, mate.
If you got anything you want to

00:47:25.076 --> 00:47:26.142
Went, "we're going now, mate.
If you got anything you want to
say to us, say it now, 'cause,

00:47:26.144 --> 00:47:31.681
If you got anything you want to
say to us, say it now, 'cause,
uh, we're gonna leave, mate."

00:47:31.683 --> 00:47:33.649
Say to us, say it now, 'cause,
uh, we're gonna leave, mate."
And this is what dan did.

00:47:33.651 --> 00:47:54.604
[ Imitates wheelchair whirring ]

00:47:54.606 --> 00:48:16.592
"Leave!"
So, me and andrew went back down
to the bar, and we hanged out

00:48:16.594 --> 00:48:17.994
So, me and andrew went back down
to the bar, and we hanged out
with the hookers.

00:48:17.996 --> 00:48:19.328
To the bar, and we hanged out
with the hookers.
There was like 10 of them sort

00:48:19.330 --> 00:48:21.364
With the hookers.
There was like 10 of them sort
of mulling around there.

00:48:21.366 --> 00:48:24.333
There was like 10 of them sort
of mulling around there.
We're standing there.

00:48:24.335 --> 00:48:25.368
Of mulling around there.
We're standing there.
We don't know what dan's up to,

00:48:25.370 --> 00:48:26.369
We're standing there.
We don't know what dan's up to,
but we're standing around the

00:48:26.371 --> 00:48:28.004
We don't know what dan's up to,
but we're standing around the
bar with all the hookers.

00:48:28.006 --> 00:48:30.673
But we're standing around the
bar with all the hookers.
And then five guys from london

00:48:30.675 --> 00:48:32.308
Bar with all the hookers.
And then five guys from london
walk into the bar, who are

00:48:32.310 --> 00:48:34.143
And then five guys from london
walk into the bar, who are
obviously out of their fucking

00:48:34.145 --> 00:48:35.378
Walk into the bar, who are
obviously out of their fucking
skulls on coke.

00:48:35.380 --> 00:48:36.913
Obviously out of their fucking
skulls on coke.
Now, if you've never taken a

00:48:36.915 --> 00:48:38.014
Skulls on coke.
Now, if you've never taken a
lot of coke, and i've --

00:48:38.016 --> 00:48:41.183
Now, if you've never taken a
lot of coke, and i've --
[ Mumbles ]

00:48:41.185 --> 00:48:42.385
Lot of coke, and i've --
[ Mumbles ]
if anyone's got any...

00:48:42.387 --> 00:48:44.020
[ Mumbles ]
if anyone's got any...
[ mumbles ]

00:48:44.022 --> 00:48:47.890
If anyone's got any...
[ mumbles ]
no, if you've never taken coke,

00:48:47.892 --> 00:48:49.592
[ Mumbles ]
no, if you've never taken coke,
you don't -- When like five or

00:48:49.594 --> 00:48:51.294
No, if you've never taken coke,
you don't -- When like five or
six guys get together and take

00:48:51.296 --> 00:48:53.262
You don't -- When like five or
six guys get together and take
coke on, like, a tuesday, there

00:48:53.264 --> 00:48:55.197
Six guys get together and take
coke on, like, a tuesday, there
comes a point at about 6:00 in

00:48:55.199 --> 00:48:57.066
Coke on, like, a tuesday, there
comes a point at about 6:00 in
the morning when they go, "we

00:48:57.068 --> 00:48:58.100
Comes a point at about 6:00 in
the morning when they go, "we
better call up some chicks,

00:48:58.102 --> 00:48:58.534
The morning when they go, "we
better call up some chicks,
maybe --"

00:48:58.536 --> 00:48:59.702
Better call up some chicks,
maybe --"
And you call up ex-Girlfriends,

00:48:59.704 --> 00:49:00.903
Maybe --"
And you call up ex-Girlfriends,
like, "bring some friends, bring

00:49:00.905 --> 00:49:01.504
And you call up ex-Girlfriends,
like, "bring some friends, bring
some friends."

00:49:01.506 --> 00:49:03.239
Like, "bring some friends, bring
some friends."
And it's like -- I don't know

00:49:03.241 --> 00:49:04.607
Some friends."
And it's like -- I don't know
what you're expecting.

00:49:04.609 --> 00:49:05.908
And it's like -- I don't know
what you're expecting.
So, basically, this --

00:49:05.910 --> 00:49:07.476
What you're expecting.
So, basically, this --
I think it was a wednesday we

00:49:07.478 --> 00:49:09.178
So, basically, this --
I think it was a wednesday we
did this, and i think these guys

00:49:09.180 --> 00:49:10.680
I think it was a wednesday we
did this, and i think these guys
had been on coke all night.

00:49:10.682 --> 00:49:11.681
Did this, and i think these guys
had been on coke all night.
And they've obviously gone, "all

00:49:11.683 --> 00:49:12.448
Had been on coke all night.
And they've obviously gone, "all
right, let's go down the

00:49:12.450 --> 00:49:12.782
And they've obviously gone, "all
right, let's go down the
brothel.

00:49:12.784 --> 00:49:13.582
Right, let's go down the
brothel.
We'll go down the brothel.

00:49:13.584 --> 00:49:14.083
Brothel.
We'll go down the brothel.
It'll be fun.

00:49:14.085 --> 00:49:14.951
We'll go down the brothel.
It'll be fun.
We'll go down the brothel."

00:49:14.953 --> 00:49:16.552
It'll be fun.
We'll go down the brothel."
And i'm standing at the bar,

00:49:16.554 --> 00:49:18.321
We'll go down the brothel."
And i'm standing at the bar,
chatting with all the hookers,

00:49:18.323 --> 00:49:20.122
And i'm standing at the bar,
chatting with all the hookers,
and these five guys from london

00:49:20.124 --> 00:49:21.524
Chatting with all the hookers,
and these five guys from london
walk in, and one of them

00:49:21.526 --> 00:49:24.160
And these five guys from london
walk in, and one of them
recognizes me and goes,

00:49:24.162 --> 00:49:25.161
Walk in, and one of them
recognizes me and goes,
"jim fucking jefferies,

00:49:25.163 --> 00:49:26.095
Recognizes me and goes,
"jim fucking jefferies,
jim fucking jefferies.

00:49:26.097 --> 00:49:27.229
"Jim fucking jefferies,
jim fucking jefferies.
I know you, mate. I know you.

00:49:27.231 --> 00:49:28.364
Jim fucking jefferies.
I know you, mate. I know you.
You're the comedian -- The

00:49:28.366 --> 00:49:29.598
I know you, mate. I know you.
You're the comedian -- The
'spaz approved' guy, australian

00:49:29.600 --> 00:49:31.968
You're the comedian -- The
'spaz approved' guy, australian
comedian."

00:49:31.970 --> 00:49:33.369
'Spaz approved' guy, australian
comedian."
And i went, "hey, how you doing,

00:49:33.371 --> 00:49:33.736
Comedian."
And i went, "hey, how you doing,
man?"

00:49:33.738 --> 00:49:35.004
And i went, "hey, how you doing,
man?"
He goes, "hey, jim, jim, jim,

00:49:35.006 --> 00:49:37.306
Man?"
He goes, "hey, jim, jim, jim,
jim, jim, jim...

00:49:37.308 --> 00:49:39.141
He goes, "hey, jim, jim, jim,
jim, jim, jim...
want a line of coke?"

00:49:39.143 --> 00:49:43.145
Jim, jim, jim...
want a line of coke?"
And i went, "yes."

00:49:43.147 --> 00:49:45.715
Want a line of coke?"
And i went, "yes."
And i went up to the toilet

00:49:45.717 --> 00:49:46.816
And i went, "yes."
And i went up to the toilet
and did a line of coke.

00:49:46.818 --> 00:49:48.351
And i went up to the toilet
and did a line of coke.
And i come back out, and,

00:49:48.353 --> 00:49:50.052
And did a line of coke.
And i come back out, and,
obviously, i've left andrew

00:49:50.054 --> 00:49:51.687
And i come back out, and,
obviously, i've left andrew
alone for too long, and he's

00:49:51.689 --> 00:49:53.155
Obviously, i've left andrew
alone for too long, and he's
sort of panicking all by

00:49:53.157 --> 00:49:53.789
Alone for too long, and he's
sort of panicking all by
himself.

00:49:53.791 --> 00:49:57.660
Sort of panicking all by
himself.
And i sort of walk in, like...

00:49:57.662 --> 00:49:59.895
Himself.
And i sort of walk in, like...
"what's wrong?"

00:49:59.897 --> 00:50:01.163
And i sort of walk in, like...
"what's wrong?"
And he goes, "what if we've done

00:50:01.165 --> 00:50:02.264
"What's wrong?"
And he goes, "what if we've done
the wrong thing here?

00:50:02.266 --> 00:50:03.566
And he goes, "what if we've done
the wrong thing here?
What if he's in there dying

00:50:03.568 --> 00:50:04.166
The wrong thing here?
What if he's in there dying
right now?

00:50:04.168 --> 00:50:05.368
What if he's in there dying
right now?
What if he stopped fucking

00:50:05.370 --> 00:50:06.836
Right now?
What if he stopped fucking
breathing or -- What the fuck --

00:50:06.838 --> 00:50:07.903
What if he stopped fucking
breathing or -- What the fuck --
Or his heart stopped?

00:50:07.905 --> 00:50:09.238
Breathing or -- What the fuck --
Or his heart stopped?
What the fuck are we meant to

00:50:09.240 --> 00:50:09.605
Or his heart stopped?
What the fuck are we meant to
do?"

00:50:09.607 --> 00:50:11.240
What the fuck are we meant to
do?"
I said, "uh, not a problem,

00:50:11.242 --> 00:50:12.074
Do?"
I said, "uh, not a problem,
not a problem.

00:50:12.076 --> 00:50:14.643
I said, "uh, not a problem,
not a problem.
Um...

00:50:14.645 --> 00:50:17.179
Not a problem.
Um...
i'll resuscitate him."

00:50:17.181 --> 00:50:18.447
Um...
i'll resuscitate him."
And he said, "do you know how to

00:50:18.449 --> 00:50:18.914
I'll resuscitate him."
And he said, "do you know how to
do that?"

00:50:18.916 --> 00:50:20.016
And he said, "do you know how to
do that?"
And i said, "no, i don't, but

00:50:20.018 --> 00:50:20.883
Do that?"
And i said, "no, i don't, but
how hard could it be?

00:50:20.885 --> 00:50:25.021
And i said, "no, i don't, but
how hard could it be?
Push, push, blow, blow."

00:50:25.023 --> 00:50:26.022
How hard could it be?
Push, push, blow, blow."
[ Chuckles ]

00:50:26.024 --> 00:50:27.289
Push, push, blow, blow."
[ Chuckles ]
i haven't embellished that in

00:50:27.291 --> 00:50:27.990
[ Chuckles ]
i haven't embellished that in
the slightest.

00:50:27.992 --> 00:50:29.191
I haven't embellished that in
the slightest.
That's the exact thing i said

00:50:29.193 --> 00:50:31.827
The slightest.
That's the exact thing i said
to him -- "Push, push, blow,

00:50:31.829 --> 00:50:36.298
That's the exact thing i said
to him -- "Push, push, blow,
blow."

00:50:36.300 --> 00:50:38.200
To him -- "Push, push, blow,
blow."
Then the prostitute walks back

00:50:38.202 --> 00:50:40.036
Blow."
Then the prostitute walks back
in the room, who was with dan.

00:50:40.038 --> 00:50:42.004
Then the prostitute walks back
in the room, who was with dan.
So, i'm standing with the 5 coke

00:50:42.006 --> 00:50:44.940
In the room, who was with dan.
So, i'm standing with the 5 coke
fiends, 10 prostitutes.

00:50:44.942 --> 00:50:45.941
So, i'm standing with the 5 coke
fiends, 10 prostitutes.
She walks in the room.

00:50:45.943 --> 00:50:47.276
Fiends, 10 prostitutes.
She walks in the room.
It's like that moment in a movie

00:50:47.278 --> 00:50:48.544
She walks in the room.
It's like that moment in a movie
where the needle on the record

00:50:48.546 --> 00:50:49.445
It's like that moment in a movie
where the needle on the record
just sort of goes...

00:50:49.447 --> 00:50:51.047
Where the needle on the record
just sort of goes...
[ imitates record scratching ]

00:50:51.049 --> 00:50:54.383
Just sort of goes...
[ imitates record scratching ]
and everything stopped.

00:50:54.385 --> 00:50:57.119
[ Imitates record scratching ]
and everything stopped.
And she walked in, and she said,

00:50:57.121 --> 00:51:01.724
And everything stopped.
And she walked in, and she said,
"well...it's over."

00:51:01.726 --> 00:51:03.192
And she walked in, and she said,
"well...it's over."
And me and andrew, in unison,

00:51:03.194 --> 00:51:05.728
"Well...it's over."
And me and andrew, in unison,
went...

00:51:05.730 --> 00:51:07.663
And me and andrew, in unison,
went...
"is he dead?"

00:51:07.665 --> 00:51:24.847
And her exact words were,
"oh, i didn't check that."
So, me, andrew, the 5 coke

00:51:24.849 --> 00:51:26.682
"Oh, i didn't check that."
So, me, andrew, the 5 coke
fiends, the 10 hookers -- We

00:51:26.684 --> 00:51:28.050
So, me, andrew, the 5 coke
fiends, the 10 hookers -- We
all run to the room.

00:51:28.052 --> 00:51:29.385
Fiends, the 10 hookers -- We
all run to the room.
No, he's not dead!

00:51:29.387 --> 00:51:31.387
All run to the room.
No, he's not dead!
His chair's back in the upright

00:51:31.389 --> 00:51:32.154
No, he's not dead!
His chair's back in the upright
position.

00:51:32.156 --> 00:51:34.056
His chair's back in the upright
position.
His cock is still sitting up,

00:51:34.058 --> 00:51:35.958
Position.
His cock is still sitting up,
majestically, covered in jizz

00:51:35.960 --> 00:51:37.860
His cock is still sitting up,
majestically, covered in jizz
and spit.

00:51:37.862 --> 00:51:39.428
Majestically, covered in jizz
and spit.
But for a man who an hour ago

00:51:39.430 --> 00:51:41.030
And spit.
But for a man who an hour ago
couldn't lift his eyelids, he

00:51:41.032 --> 00:51:44.600
But for a man who an hour ago
couldn't lift his eyelids, he
was sitting there like this.

00:51:44.602 --> 00:51:47.603
Couldn't lift his eyelids, he
was sitting there like this.
[ Applause ]

00:51:47.605 --> 00:51:49.572
Was sitting there like this.
[ Applause ]
now, you might be wondering why

00:51:49.574 --> 00:51:51.974
[ Applause ]
now, you might be wondering why
his eyelids were up like that.

00:51:51.976 --> 00:51:53.409
Now, you might be wondering why
his eyelids were up like that.
Let me explain something.

00:51:53.411 --> 00:51:55.511
His eyelids were up like that.
Let me explain something.
It wasn't through happiness.

00:51:55.513 --> 00:51:57.580
Let me explain something.
It wasn't through happiness.
Tell you something about myself.

00:51:57.582 --> 00:51:58.814
It wasn't through happiness.
Tell you something about myself.
I'm 33 years old.

00:51:58.816 --> 00:52:00.783
Tell you something about myself.
I'm 33 years old.
I've been masturbating since i

00:52:00.785 --> 00:52:01.984
I'm 33 years old.
I've been masturbating since i
was 10 years old.

00:52:01.986 --> 00:52:04.487
I've been masturbating since i
was 10 years old.
And in that time, i have not

00:52:04.489 --> 00:52:06.489
Was 10 years old.
And in that time, i have not
missed a day.

00:52:06.491 --> 00:52:08.757
And in that time, i have not
missed a day.
Every single day, i masturbate.

00:52:08.759 --> 00:52:10.893
Missed a day.
Every single day, i masturbate.
Haven't missed a fucking day.

00:52:10.895 --> 00:52:13.095
Every single day, i masturbate.
Haven't missed a fucking day.
Every day, i'm in a hotel room

00:52:13.097 --> 00:52:15.364
Haven't missed a fucking day.
Every day, i'm in a hotel room
with a laptop way high up on my

00:52:15.366 --> 00:52:17.633
Every day, i'm in a hotel room
with a laptop way high up on my
chest here, so i don't have to

00:52:17.635 --> 00:52:19.101
With a laptop way high up on my
chest here, so i don't have to
look at the filth i'm doing to

00:52:19.103 --> 00:52:19.702
Chest here, so i don't have to
look at the filth i'm doing to
myself.

00:52:19.704 --> 00:52:21.804
Look at the filth i'm doing to
myself.
So, i'm watching porn here.

00:52:21.806 --> 00:52:23.939
Myself.
So, i'm watching porn here.
And 9 times out of 10, i hit the

00:52:23.941 --> 00:52:26.976
So, i'm watching porn here.
And 9 times out of 10, i hit the
apple sign, right?

00:52:26.978 --> 00:52:28.277
And 9 times out of 10, i hit the
apple sign, right?
[ Applause ]

00:52:28.279 --> 00:52:30.312
Apple sign, right?
[ Applause ]
and i do this every single

00:52:30.314 --> 00:52:31.413
[ Applause ]
and i do this every single
fucking day.

00:52:31.415 --> 00:52:33.782
And i do this every single
fucking day.
Yet i would be mortified if any

00:52:33.784 --> 00:52:35.985
Fucking day.
Yet i would be mortified if any
one of you was to ever see me

00:52:35.987 --> 00:52:37.052
Yet i would be mortified if any
one of you was to ever see me
doing this.

00:52:37.054 --> 00:52:39.188
One of you was to ever see me
doing this.
I would want to fucking kill

00:52:39.190 --> 00:52:39.989
Doing this.
I would want to fucking kill
myself.

00:52:39.991 --> 00:52:43.159
I would want to fucking kill
myself.
And i do this every single

00:52:43.161 --> 00:52:45.060
Myself.
And i do this every single
fucking day.

00:52:45.062 --> 00:52:46.529
And i do this every single
fucking day.
Now, imagine if you've never

00:52:46.531 --> 00:52:48.097
Fucking day.
Now, imagine if you've never
ejaculated through the power of

00:52:48.099 --> 00:52:49.498
Now, imagine if you've never
ejaculated through the power of
yourself, you've never had

00:52:49.500 --> 00:52:50.966
Ejaculated through the power of
yourself, you've never had
another person do it, you're

00:52:50.968 --> 00:52:52.868
Yourself, you've never had
another person do it, you're
32 years old, and for the first

00:52:52.870 --> 00:52:54.503
Another person do it, you're
32 years old, and for the first
time you've shot a load of

00:52:54.505 --> 00:52:56.405
32 years old, and for the first
time you've shot a load of
fucking stale jizz all over the

00:52:56.407 --> 00:52:58.807
Time you've shot a load of
fucking stale jizz all over the
fucking room and you're sitting

00:52:58.809 --> 00:53:02.344
Fucking stale jizz all over the
fucking room and you're sitting
there with your cock out and 15

00:53:02.346 --> 00:53:05.381
Fucking room and you're sitting
there with your cock out and 15
strangers walks in and you do

00:53:05.383 --> 00:53:08.717
There with your cock out and 15
strangers walks in and you do
not possess the power to put

00:53:08.719 --> 00:53:13.222
Strangers walks in and you do
not possess the power to put
your cock away.

00:53:13.224 --> 00:53:15.224
Not possess the power to put
your cock away.
Can you see how that might be a

00:53:15.226 --> 00:53:21.197
Your cock away.
Can you see how that might be a
bit unhinging?

00:53:21.199 --> 00:53:22.598
Can you see how that might be a
bit unhinging?
So, we had to get him dressed

00:53:22.600 --> 00:53:24.266
Bit unhinging?
So, we had to get him dressed
quickly.

00:53:24.268 --> 00:53:27.036
So, we had to get him dressed
quickly.
But there's come everywhere.

00:53:27.038 --> 00:53:29.038
Quickly.
But there's come everywhere.
And this time, i look him up and

00:53:29.040 --> 00:53:29.605
But there's come everywhere.
And this time, i look him up and
down.

00:53:29.607 --> 00:53:31.607
And this time, i look him up and
down.
And i turned to andrew and said,

00:53:31.609 --> 00:53:33.609
Down.
And i turned to andrew and said,
"andrew, i don't give a fuck how

00:53:33.611 --> 00:53:34.677
And i turned to andrew and said,
"andrew, i don't give a fuck how
fragile he is.

00:53:34.679 --> 00:53:36.478
"Andrew, i don't give a fuck how
fragile he is.
I'm taking the top half this

00:53:36.480 --> 00:53:38.380
Fragile he is.
I'm taking the top half this
time."

00:53:38.382 --> 00:53:40.916
I'm taking the top half this
time."
And we lifted him up...

00:53:40.918 --> 00:53:43.352
Time."
And we lifted him up...
and we put his pants on and we

00:53:43.354 --> 00:53:45.754
And we lifted him up...
and we put his pants on and we
proceeded to leave the brothel.

00:53:45.756 --> 00:53:48.691
And we put his pants on and we
proceeded to leave the brothel.
Now, as we left the brothel, i

00:53:48.693 --> 00:53:49.358
Proceeded to leave the brothel.
Now, as we left the brothel, i
turned to dan.

00:53:49.360 --> 00:53:51.961
Now, as we left the brothel, i
turned to dan.
I said, "dan, i paid for a

00:53:51.963 --> 00:53:53.028
Turned to dan.
I said, "dan, i paid for a
story.

00:53:53.030 --> 00:53:55.130
I said, "dan, i paid for a
story.
Please tell me what happened."

00:53:55.132 --> 00:53:59.235
Story.
Please tell me what happened."
And he said, "well, she danced

00:53:59.237 --> 00:54:01.770
Please tell me what happened."
And he said, "well, she danced
around a bit, rubbed her tits in

00:54:01.772 --> 00:54:06.475
And he said, "well, she danced
around a bit, rubbed her tits in
my face, and sucked me off,"

00:54:06.477 --> 00:54:07.743
Around a bit, rubbed her tits in
my face, and sucked me off,"
which is what i asked her to do.

00:54:07.745 --> 00:54:09.612
My face, and sucked me off,"
which is what i asked her to do.
It's so nice to be a disabled

00:54:09.614 --> 00:54:14.350
Which is what i asked her to do.
It's so nice to be a disabled
sex puppeteer.

00:54:14.352 --> 00:54:16.118
It's so nice to be a disabled
sex puppeteer.
But even nicer than that --

00:54:16.120 --> 00:54:18.020
Sex puppeteer.
But even nicer than that --
I used to have a preconceived

00:54:18.022 --> 00:54:19.955
But even nicer than that --
I used to have a preconceived
notion on what i thought about

00:54:19.957 --> 00:54:21.991
I used to have a preconceived
notion on what i thought about
people such as prostitutes, man,

00:54:21.993 --> 00:54:23.726
Notion on what i thought about
people such as prostitutes, man,
but i was wrong.

00:54:23.728 --> 00:54:25.527
People such as prostitutes, man,
but i was wrong.
That woman treated him with

00:54:25.529 --> 00:54:27.663
But i was wrong.
That woman treated him with
dignity and respect and made him

00:54:27.665 --> 00:54:29.765
That woman treated him with
dignity and respect and made him
feel like a sexual being for the

00:54:29.767 --> 00:54:32.401
Dignity and respect and made him
feel like a sexual being for the
only time in his life.

00:54:32.403 --> 00:54:33.636
Feel like a sexual being for the
only time in his life.
And you can't put a price on

00:54:33.638 --> 00:54:36.538
Only time in his life.
And you can't put a price on
that, all right?

00:54:36.540 --> 00:54:40.342
And you can't put a price on
that, all right?
Well, $180 is the -- The

00:54:40.344 --> 00:54:42.311
That, all right?
Well, $180 is the -- The
exact -- The exact figure.

00:54:42.313 --> 00:54:56.825
Then we go out front, and we go
to call a taxi, and the taxi
driver who drove us there is

00:54:56.827 --> 00:54:58.560
To call a taxi, and the taxi
driver who drove us there is
still sitting out the front in

00:54:58.562 --> 00:54:59.228
Driver who drove us there is
still sitting out the front in
his car.

00:54:59.230 --> 00:55:01.030
Still sitting out the front in
his car.
And he winds his window down and

00:55:01.032 --> 00:55:02.865
His car.
And he winds his window down and
looks out and goes, "i'll drive

00:55:02.867 --> 00:55:04.033
And he winds his window down and
looks out and goes, "i'll drive
you home for free.

00:55:04.035 --> 00:55:05.467
Looks out and goes, "i'll drive
you home for free.
I just need to know what

00:55:05.469 --> 00:55:07.403
You home for free.
I just need to know what
happened."

00:55:07.405 --> 00:55:09.004
I just need to know what
happened."
Thank you very much, ladies and

00:55:09.006 --> 00:55:09.672
Happened."
Thank you very much, ladies and
gentlemen.

00:55:09.674 --> 00:55:10.973
Thank you very much, ladies and
gentlemen.
Good night.

00:55:10.975 --> 00:55:13.609
Gentlemen.
Good night.
[ Cheers and applause ]

00:55:13.611 --> 00:55:40.703
[ Rock music plays ]

00:55:40.705 --> 00:55:52.715
[ Speaking indistinctly ]

00:55:52.717 --> 00:56:05.861
Hey!

00:56:05.863 --> 00:56:22.311
Hey!
ś she's an natural mover

00:56:22.313 --> 00:56:23.679
ś she's an natural mover
ś ah

00:56:23.681 --> 00:56:26.081
ś ah
ś does it like a hoover

00:56:26.083 --> 00:56:27.816
ś does it like a hoover
ś ah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

00:56:27.818 --> 00:56:30.052
ś ah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah ś