[ Horn honks ]
[ Indistinct conversations ] [ scattered cheers and applause ]
[ Rock music plays ] fuck.
[ Speaking indistinctly ] [ laughs ] ladies and gentlemen, this
[ Laughs ] ladies and gentlemen, this is your cue to start clapping,
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your cue to start clapping, start cheering, start whooping,
Is your cue to start clapping, start cheering, start whooping, and welcome to the stage
Start cheering, start whooping, and welcome to the stage jim jefferies!
And welcome to the stage jim jefferies! [ Cheers and applause ]
Hello.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for coming to my show, "alcoholocaust."
[ Laughing ] fucking look at
"Alcoholocaust." [ Laughing ] fucking look at this big theater, man.
I appreciate you coming out.
This big theater, man. I appreciate you coming out. People who are watching this at
home might know that this is a
fucking monday night, so i
Home might know that this is a fucking monday night, so i appreciate how many people have
Fucking monday night, so i appreciate how many people have come.
Appreciate how many people have come. I realize that in this economy,
Come. I realize that in this economy, tickets for things such as
comedy shows aren't that cheap
Tickets for things such as comedy shows aren't that cheap for men.
Comedy shows aren't that cheap for men. For women, same price they've
For men. For women, same price they've always fucking been, aren't
they?
Always fucking been, aren't they? Women don't pay for things like
They? Women don't pay for things like this.
There's women in this room have
This. There's women in this room have no fucking idea how much the
ticket for this show cost.
No fucking idea how much the ticket for this show cost. No fucking idea!
Ticket for this show cost. No fucking idea! Your husband came home, said,
"remember, we're seeing
jim jefferies," you said, "who?"
"Remember, we're seeing jim jefferies," you said, "who?" And now you're fucking here.
Jim jefferies," you said, "who?" And now you're fucking here. Women don't pay.
Basically, women are a bunch of
cunts.
To summarize, women are cunts.
Cunts. To summarize, women are cunts. See, and i don't know if women
even know that drinks cost
money, you know?
Even know that drinks cost money, you know? Ugly chicks know.
Money, you know? Ugly chicks know. If you know that drinks cost
money, you're a fucking ugly
bitch, but otherwise, you're a
Money, you're a fucking ugly bitch, but otherwise, you're a good-Looking girl.
Bitch, but otherwise, you're a good-Looking girl. Good luck to you.
Good-Looking girl. Good luck to you. See, my birthday's on
valentine's day, so even on my
fucking birthday i'm buying some
Valentine's day, so even on my fucking birthday i'm buying some bitch dinner.
Fucking birthday i'm buying some bitch dinner. If i meet a nice girl and i'm in
Bitch dinner. If i meet a nice girl and i'm in a restaurant and the check comes
and i put the credit card
A restaurant and the check comes and i put the credit card down -- And she's a nice girl --
And i put the credit card down -- And she's a nice girl -- She'll do the purse grab.
Down -- And she's a nice girl -- She'll do the purse grab. And if i go, "no, no, no, it's
okay," she's very quick to give
up on that argument.
Okay," she's very quick to give up on that argument. Other arguments, she can keep
Up on that argument. Other arguments, she can keep going for fucking years, but
that one she's ever so gracious
Going for fucking years, but that one she's ever so gracious about.
That one she's ever so gracious about. This is why i think i'd like
About. This is why i think i'd like to be gay.
I think gay would be a good move
To be gay. I think gay would be a good move for me.
I wouldn't enjoy the sex.
For me. I wouldn't enjoy the sex. I'd have to get through the sex.
I would have a cock in my mouth,
with tears streaming down my
face.
With tears streaming down my face. And as the jizz hit the back of
Face. And as the jizz hit the back of my throat, i'd be thinking of my
happy place, but it'd be
My throat, i'd be thinking of my happy place, but it'd be worthwhile just so i could split
Happy place, but it'd be worthwhile just so i could split the occasional bill.
Worthwhile just so i could split the occasional bill. [ Cheers and applause ]
The occasional bill. [ Cheers and applause ] that's why gay guys are happy,
and that's why lesbians are
That's why gay guys are happy, and that's why lesbians are fucking miserable.
And that's why lesbians are fucking miserable. Lesbians are fucking miserable
Fucking miserable. Lesbians are fucking miserable people 'cause they have to hang
out with women all day.
People 'cause they have to hang out with women all day. It must be fucking horrible.
Out with women all day. It must be fucking horrible. They must just be sitting there
at dinner, going, "i'm not gonna
pay for this bitch.
At dinner, going, "i'm not gonna pay for this bitch. I've just worn my best plaid
Pay for this bitch. I've just worn my best plaid shirt and shaved my head.
She better treat me like a
Shirt and shaved my head. She better treat me like a princess."
Now, if there's any lesbians in
Princess." Now, if there's any lesbians in the room -- And i assume there's
not, because laughter's not your
The room -- And i assume there's not, because laughter's not your thing -- But if there is, i'd
Not, because laughter's not your thing -- But if there is, i'd like to apologize for that last
Thing -- But if there is, i'd like to apologize for that last joke.
Like to apologize for that last joke. But if you hate men so much,
Joke. But if you hate men so much, stop trying to look like them.
You never see a jew dressed as
Stop trying to look like them. You never see a jew dressed as a nazi.
[ Cheers and applause ]
See, i did that joke in america. I said lesbians have no sense of humor and they're not fun or
whatever.
Humor and they're not fun or whatever. And these two lesbians stood up
Whatever. And these two lesbians stood up and stormed out of the room as
if to prove my point.
And stormed out of the room as if to prove my point. They're just not fun people.
If to prove my point. They're just not fun people. Gay guys are fun.
I don't care how homophobic you
are.
If you're holding a dinner party
Are. If you're holding a dinner party and a gay guy shows up, you get
a little bit excited, don't you?
And a gay guy shows up, you get a little bit excited, don't you? You're like, "oh, fucking a
A little bit excited, don't you? You're like, "oh, fucking a gay guy.
Oh, strap yourself in, love, eh?
Gay guy. Oh, strap yourself in, love, eh? We got a live one."
Right?
But if you're holding a dinner
party and a lesbian shows up,
you're just like, "aw, fuck me.
Party and a lesbian shows up, you're just like, "aw, fuck me. All i wanted to do was relax and
You're just like, "aw, fuck me. All i wanted to do was relax and play pictionary.
She's drawing something
Play pictionary. She's drawing something political."
[ Chuckles ]
Political." [ Chuckles ] you can't even point lesbians
out, and they're so fucking
You can't even point lesbians out, and they're so fucking obvious.
Out, and they're so fucking obvious. They're so obvi-- But you can't
Obvious. They're so obvi-- But you can't point them out.
If you saw, like, fucking --
Point them out. If you saw, like, fucking -- If i see like two lesbians in
the audience and go, "excuse me,
are you lesbians?" They'll be
The audience and go, "excuse me, are you lesbians?" They'll be like, "what?
Are you lesbians?" They'll be like, "what? What the fuck? What?
Like, "what? What the fuck? What? What do you mean by that?"
Right?
But if i see two gay guys in the
audience and go, "excuse me --
Are you gay guys?" They'll go
Audience and go, "excuse me -- Are you gay guys?" They'll go [ singsong voice ] "guilty!"
[ Normal voice ] 'cause gay guys
[ Singsong voice ] "guilty!" [ Normal voice ] 'cause gay guys fucking love being gay.
The word "gay" comes from
Fucking love being gay. The word "gay" comes from "happy."
They like fucking men in the ass
"Happy." They like fucking men in the ass so much, they've called it
"happy."
So much, they've called it "happy." I-I have been a heterosexual my
"Happy." I-I have been a heterosexual my whole life.
I would not call the experience
Whole life. I would not call the experience "happy."
I would call it a struggle, at
"Happy." I would call it a struggle, at best.
I'll tell you another reason why
Best. I'll tell you another reason why it must be awesome to be a gay
guy.
It must be awesome to be a gay guy. It must be wonderful to be in a
Guy. It must be wonderful to be in a relationship where, if you're
partner's being a dickhead, you
Relationship where, if you're partner's being a dickhead, you can punch him in the head.
Partner's being a dickhead, you can punch him in the head. Hasn't that got to give your
Can punch him in the head. Hasn't that got to give your relationship a whole new
dimension?
Relationship a whole new dimension? I can't tell you the amount of
Dimension? I can't tell you the amount of arguments i've had with women
that could have been sorted out
Arguments i've had with women that could have been sorted out quicker with a punch.
That could have been sorted out quicker with a punch. And while we're on the subject
Quicker with a punch. And while we're on the subject of domestic violence --
It's a horrible thing.
Of domestic violence -- It's a horrible thing. Of course it is, and...
now, you ever met a woman who's,
like, been married like four
Now, you ever met a woman who's, like, been married like four times and she's like, "i guess i
Like, been married like four times and she's like, "i guess i just choose the wrong type of
Times and she's like, "i guess i just choose the wrong type of men"?
Just choose the wrong type of men"? "I've been married four times,
Men"? "I've been married four times, and all my husbands beat me."
And you're like, "all of them?
And all my husbands beat me." And you're like, "all of them? All four?
One, two, three, fucking four?
They all beat you?
Someone doesn't know when to
shut the fuck up, now, do they?"
'Cause i'm a tolerant man.
Shut the fuck up, now, do they?" 'Cause i'm a tolerant man. I'll give anyone three, but
four?
You're a fucking button-Pusher.
Four? You're a fucking button-Pusher. Come on.
That's a nice, cheery way to
start the show.
I do a lot of gigs -- Well, not
Start the show. I do a lot of gigs -- Well, not a lot -- I do some gigs out in
iraq and afghanistan and stuff
A lot -- I do some gigs out in iraq and afghanistan and stuff like that, which, if i was in an
Iraq and afghanistan and stuff like that, which, if i was in an american crowd right now, they'd
Like that, which, if i was in an american crowd right now, they'd go, "whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah!"
American crowd right now, they'd go, "whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah!" But i'm not, so i can be honest
Go, "whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah!" But i'm not, so i can be honest with you.
I do it for money.
With you. I do it for money. Um, the first time --
Over there it's like i'm king.
The first time i go do a gig in
iraq, they fly me and my manager
in a passenger plane into
Iraq, they fly me and my manager in a passenger plane into kuwait.
In a passenger plane into kuwait. Now, it turns out that kuwait is
Kuwait. Now, it turns out that kuwait is a regular country that anyone
can visit.
A regular country that anyone can visit. Then a military truck gets me
Can visit. Then a military truck gets me and my manager and drives us
over the border into iraq and
And my manager and drives us over the border into iraq and drops us off.
Over the border into iraq and drops us off. And we're standing in the middle
Drops us off. And we're standing in the middle of the desert of a war-Torn
country.
Of the desert of a war-Torn country. We can't see anything on the
Country. We can't see anything on the horizon.
And i turn to my manager and go,
Horizon. And i turn to my manager and go, "good booking, fuckface."
And then this helicopter comes
"Good booking, fuckface." And then this helicopter comes in over the horizon and lands in
front of us, and the blades are
In over the horizon and lands in front of us, and the blades are still going.
Front of us, and the blades are still going. And this soldier runs off and
Still going. And this soldier runs off and goes, "excuse me!
Are you jim jefferies?"
Goes, "excuse me! Are you jim jefferies?" And i went, "what other white
cunt were you looking for in the
desert at this exact location?"
Cunt were you looking for in the desert at this exact location?" Then he hands me my bulletproof
Desert at this exact location?" Then he hands me my bulletproof vest and my helmet.
He's obviously wearing his
Vest and my helmet. He's obviously wearing his bulletproof vest and his helmet.
His are camouflaged.
Bulletproof vest and his helmet. His are camouflaged. Mine?
Fucking blue.
And i said, "why do i have a
blue vest and helmet?"
He said, "that's so the enemy
Blue vest and helmet?" He said, "that's so the enemy know you're a civilian."
I'm like, "does the enemy give
Know you're a civilian." I'm like, "does the enemy give a shit?
That's my main concern, because
A shit? That's my main concern, because i've never been a sniper."
But every time i got off the
I've never been a sniper." But every time i got off the helicopter, i was surrounded by
soldiers protecting me.
Helicopter, i was surrounded by soldiers protecting me. If i was a sniper, i'd be like,
Soldiers protecting me. If i was a sniper, i'd be like, "the cunt in blue looks
important."
"The cunt in blue looks important." Right?
Important." Right? So...we got in this helicopter.
[ Laughs ]
and we're sitting in this
chopper.
And we're sitting in this chopper. That's what we call them in the
Chopper. That's what we call them in the biz -- "Chopper."
And i'm sitting here.
Biz -- "Chopper." And i'm sitting here. And i got two soldiers sitting
next to me there, my manager,
brett, sitting there.
Next to me there, my manager, brett, sitting there. He's got two soldiers sitting
Brett, sitting there. He's got two soldiers sitting next to him.
There's two soldiers in the
Next to him. There's two soldiers in the cockpit.
There's a great big door open
Cockpit. There's a great big door open next to me there, and there's
another door open there, and at
Next to me there, and there's another door open there, and at that door is a soldier with a
Another door open there, and at that door is a soldier with a great big gun on a hinge, with
That door is a soldier with a great big gun on a hinge, with bullets coming out of it like
Great big gun on a hinge, with bullets coming out of it like that thing that chewbacca wears.
Bullets coming out of it like that thing that chewbacca wears. And we take off, and off we go
That thing that chewbacca wears. And we take off, and off we go to baghdad.
And as we hit the border of the
To baghdad. And as we hit the border of the city, i hear a great big "bang!"
And these two small flares shoot
City, i hear a great big "bang!" And these two small flares shoot out from the small wings of the
helicopter, followed by a trail
Out from the small wings of the helicopter, followed by a trail of smoke.
Helicopter, followed by a trail of smoke. And the helicopter goes,
Of smoke. And the helicopter goes, "fwwhhh! Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh!"
Now, the reason they do this is,
"Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh!" Now, the reason they do this is, when they get over the danger
area, if there's a heat-Seeking
When they get over the danger area, if there's a heat-Seeking missile, it'll be distracted by
Area, if there's a heat-Seeking missile, it'll be distracted by the flares, and then the
Missile, it'll be distracted by the flares, and then the helicopter will fly out of
The flares, and then the helicopter will fly out of range -- Very clever.
Helicopter will fly out of range -- Very clever. Now...
Range -- Very clever. Now... they never told me this was
happening.
They never told me this was happening. As far as i'm concerned, the
Happening. As far as i'm concerned, the wings have just exploded and
we're now plummeting to our
Wings have just exploded and we're now plummeting to our death, but it's nice to know how
We're now plummeting to our death, but it's nice to know how you react under pressure,
Death, but it's nice to know how you react under pressure, because i reacted thusly -- By
You react under pressure, because i reacted thusly -- By vomiting over my lovely blue
Because i reacted thusly -- By vomiting over my lovely blue vest, ironically making it more
Vomiting over my lovely blue vest, ironically making it more camouflage than it was before,
Vest, ironically making it more camouflage than it was before, and yelling out, "we're going
Camouflage than it was before, and yelling out, "we're going down!"
And yelling out, "we're going down!" The two pilots, the sergeants,
Down!" The two pilots, the sergeants, the gunner -- They all start
pissing themselves, laughing.
The gunner -- They all start pissing themselves, laughing. They're reaching through.
Pissing themselves, laughing. They're reaching through. They're high-Fiving each other.
They're tearing it down.
They've been waiting for this
joke for months.
I'm cleaning vomit off myself,
Joke for months. I'm cleaning vomit off myself, going, "oh, you, that was a good
one.
Going, "oh, you, that was a good one. Thank you for defending my
One. Thank you for defending my freedom."
Right?
Freedom." Right? So, i sit back down, covered in
vomit in the helicopter --
"Ugh."
Vomit in the helicopter -- "Ugh." And so i'm trying to look out
the door to try to un-Quease
myself.
The door to try to un-Quease myself. And i'm looking out over the
Myself. And i'm looking out over the ground, over baghdad -- By the
way, baghdad, beautiful city,
Ground, over baghdad -- By the way, baghdad, beautiful city, untouched -- And i look out on
Way, baghdad, beautiful city, untouched -- And i look out on the ground, and i see a little
Untouched -- And i look out on the ground, and i see a little arab fellow with a handgun
The ground, and i see a little arab fellow with a handgun shooting up at the helicopter,
Arab fellow with a handgun shooting up at the helicopter, just -- [ Imitates gunshots ]
Shooting up at the helicopter, just -- [ Imitates gunshots ] once again, i freak out.
Just -- [ Imitates gunshots ] once again, i freak out. "We're being fired on!"
Once again, i freak out. "We're being fired on!" The gunner now is laughing so
fucking hard.
He's laughing even harder than
Fucking hard. He's laughing even harder than he was before.
He's laughing so hard, he's
He was before. He's laughing so hard, he's keeled over.
The gun's just dangling out in
Keeled over. The gun's just dangling out in the hinge.
And i'm like, "what's your
The hinge. And i'm like, "what's your fucking problem, man?"
And he's like, "jim, you're
Fucking problem, man?" And he's like, "jim, you're gonna have to calm down, mate.
We're in a military helicopter
Gonna have to calm down, mate. We're in a military helicopter with a bulletproof bottom.
That's a handgun.
With a bulletproof bottom. That's a handgun. We're so high up, the bullets
can't even reach us.
They just sort of go --
Can't even reach us. They just sort of go -- [ Whistles ]"
and then i jokingly said,
"[ chuckles ] i bet our bullets
And then i jokingly said, "[ chuckles ] i bet our bullets can reach him."
"[ Chuckles ] i bet our bullets can reach him." And he went, "oh, yeah."
Can reach him." And he went, "oh, yeah." [ Imitates gunfire ]
And the little cunt died. And -- And i was like, "[ sighs ]
i was just saying, mate.
"[ Sighs ] i was just saying, mate. I was just saying.
I was just saying, mate. I was just saying. I didn't want to ruin anyone's
day."
[ Laughs ]
Day." [ Laughs ] isn't that a fun story about a
man dying?
Isn't that a fun story about a man dying? It's funny, though.
Man dying? It's funny, though. My limited time in a war zone,
i really, you know, didn't see
what all the bad stuff was.
I really, you know, didn't see what all the bad stuff was. They were very nice to me.
What all the bad stuff was. They were very nice to me. But this was kind of crazy to
me 'cause i don't know,
historically, how we're gonna
Me 'cause i don't know, historically, how we're gonna talk about it.
Historically, how we're gonna talk about it. See, like, my grandfather --
Talk about it. See, like, my grandfather -- He fought during the second
world war, for the japs, weirdly
enough.
World war, for the japs, weirdly enough. No, no, for the australians.
Enough. No, no, for the australians. He killed a lot of japanese --
Hated them till he died.
"Love the food, hate the
people," he used to say.
What a complex man.
People," he used to say. What a complex man. And...
i used to love listening -- When
i was a kid, listening to him
I used to love listening -- When i was a kid, listening to him tell stories about killing
I was a kid, listening to him tell stories about killing nazis.
Tell stories about killing nazis. There was always something
Nazis. There was always something exciting about it, you know?
I just don't know what i would
Exciting about it, you know? I just don't know what i would tell my grandson about what's
happening in history now.
Tell my grandson about what's happening in history now. I imagine i'll be 80 years old,
Happening in history now. I imagine i'll be 80 years old, i'll be sitting in my chair, and
my grandson will be on the
I'll be sitting in my chair, and my grandson will be on the floor, looking up at me
My grandson will be on the floor, looking up at me adoringly.
Floor, looking up at me adoringly. And i'll go, "now, there used to
Adoringly. And i'll go, "now, there used to be these people called arabs.
And they lived in the
Be these people called arabs. And they lived in the middle east, or, as you call it,
the radiation zone.
Middle east, or, as you call it, the radiation zone. In 2020,
The radiation zone. In 2020, president macaulay culkin got
really upset with the arabs, and
President macaulay culkin got really upset with the arabs, and he nuked them all.
Really upset with the arabs, and he nuked them all. But what macaulay culkin and the
He nuked them all. But what macaulay culkin and the rest of the americans hadn't
realized was that china had
Rest of the americans hadn't realized was that china had slowly but surely become the
Realized was that china had slowly but surely become the superpower of the world.
Slowly but surely become the superpower of the world. So, while the americans were
Superpower of the world. So, while the americans were nuking the arabs, the chinese
nuked the americans, and that's
Nuking the arabs, the chinese nuked the americans, and that's why we have no americans and no
Nuked the americans, and that's why we have no americans and no arabs."
Why we have no americans and no arabs." And then my grandson will look
Arabs." And then my grandson will look up at me and go...
"mashaba awa."
[ Applause ] [ laughs ] you know what i like about that
[ Laughs ] you know what i like about that joke?
You know what i like about that joke? It has the feel of racism, but
Joke? It has the feel of racism, but you can't pick the exact moment.
Like, you know it is.
You can't pick the exact moment. Like, you know it is. It's definitely racist.
So, let's change the subject
quickly.
How do blind people wipe their
Quickly. How do blind people wipe their asses?
I know you're thinking, "the
Asses? I know you're thinking, "the same as us," but you're not
thinking outside the box, 'cause
Same as us," but you're not thinking outside the box, 'cause wiping your ass is a very visual
Thinking outside the box, 'cause wiping your ass is a very visual activity.
Wiping your ass is a very visual activity. No one's ever just leant up,
Activity. No one's ever just leant up, wiped, then dropped into the
bowl.
Wiped, then dropped into the bowl. You wipe. You check.
Bowl. You wipe. You check. "There's a lot of poo there.
I'm gonna wipe again.
There's still a lot of poo.
It feels dry, but there's
still poo.
I think i left one up there."
Still poo. I think i left one up there." I bet that's where the dog comes
in handy.
[ Audience groans ]
In handy. [ Audience groans ] ohh!
No!
Ohh! No! No, don't --
I'm not saying the dog licks
the blind person's ass!
I'm saying these are very
The blind person's ass! I'm saying these are very intelligent dogs.
They would have worked out some
Intelligent dogs. They would have worked out some form of barking system.
So, the blind guy would have the
Form of barking system. So, the blind guy would have the dog, like, sit in front of him.
"Woof woof woof."
Dog, like, sit in front of him. "Woof woof woof." "Woof woof."
"Woof."
And they'd probably work out some special morse code-Y bark for when there's blood in the
Some special morse code-Y bark for when there's blood in the poo.
For when there's blood in the poo. No, 'cause they've already been
Poo. No, 'cause they've already been through a rough time.
They're blind.
Through a rough time. They're blind. No need for ass cancer.
Not that blood always means
ass cancer.
I suffer from hemorrhoids, have
Ass cancer. I suffer from hemorrhoids, have done since i was 22 years old.
And it's a very young age to get
Done since i was 22 years old. And it's a very young age to get hemorrhoids, but there's a lot
of blood involved.
Hemorrhoids, but there's a lot of blood involved. If you've never had one, there's
Of blood involved. If you've never had one, there's a lot of blood involved in a bad
hemorrhoid.
A lot of blood involved in a bad hemorrhoid. I've had toilet bowls that look
Hemorrhoid. I've had toilet bowls that look like abortions.
Now, i'm not -- It's not good.
Like abortions. Now, i'm not -- It's not good. And the first time, when you're
22 and you get one, your brain
goes to ass cancer.
You're like, "oh, i got ass
Goes to ass cancer. You're like, "oh, i got ass cancer," because no one ever
told you about hemorrhoids when
Cancer," because no one ever told you about hemorrhoids when you're young.
Told you about hemorrhoids when you're young. Your dad never sits you down and
You're young. Your dad never sits you down and goes, "when you get a bit older,
you'll be pushing a poo a little
Goes, "when you get a bit older, you'll be pushing a poo a little bit hard, and a small portion of
You'll be pushing a poo a little bit hard, and a small portion of your asshole will fall out.
Bit hard, and a small portion of your asshole will fall out. Now, it's nothing to be alarmed
Your asshole will fall out. Now, it's nothing to be alarmed about.
It's just part of becoming a
About. It's just part of becoming a [chuckling] man."
So, the first time i got a
[Chuckling] man." So, the first time i got a hemorrhoid, i didn't tell anyone
'cause i thought i was dying,
Hemorrhoid, i didn't tell anyone 'cause i thought i was dying, obviously.
'Cause i thought i was dying, obviously. And i go to see my doctor, the
Obviously. And i go to see my doctor, the same doctor that i've had my
whole life, and he makes me --
Same doctor that i've had my whole life, and he makes me -- I go, "i got ass cancer."
Whole life, and he makes me -- I go, "i got ass cancer." And he makes me bend over a
chair.
And then he gets a rubber glove
Chair. And then he gets a rubber glove on, and he sort of prods around
my ass a little bit.
On, and he sort of prods around my ass a little bit. And he goes, "oh, you've just
My ass a little bit. And he goes, "oh, you've just got hemorrhoids there."
And i said, "i thought that only
Got hemorrhoids there." And i said, "i thought that only happens to old people and
pregnant women."
Happens to old people and pregnant women." And he went, "and you."
So, i live in america now, and i -- [ Cheers and applause ]
I -- [ Cheers and applause ] [ chuckles ]
people get so entertained by
[ Chuckles ] people get so entertained by that, but where else am i gonna
People get so entertained by that, but where else am i gonna put them?
That, but where else am i gonna put them? We'll put that away for
Put them? We'll put that away for continuity, in case they cut
the jokes up differently.
Continuity, in case they cut the jokes up differently. There we go.
The jokes up differently. There we go. That's a bit of a --
'Cause i know there's people
that are sitting at home, going,
"[ laughs ] that beer went like
That are sitting at home, going, "[ laughs ] that beer went like that, then it it went like that,
"[ Laughs ] that beer went like that, then it it went like that, then it went like that."
That, then it it went like that, then it went like that." Fucking nerds.
Then it went like that." Fucking nerds. So, i live in america, and it
fucking blows my mind i live in
america now, man.
Fucking blows my mind i live in america now, man. I -- Coming from australia and
America now, man. I -- Coming from australia and everything, i never thought i'd
sort of go this far with my
Everything, i never thought i'd sort of go this far with my career or anything.
Sort of go this far with my career or anything. And i find myself -- Now i'm out
Career or anything. And i find myself -- Now i'm out there auditioning for major
movies and shit, man.
There auditioning for major movies and shit, man. And i still feel retarded every
Movies and shit, man. And i still feel retarded every time i go in there.
Now, the first time i went for
Time i go in there. Now, the first time i went for an audition, i'd been in l.A.
For like a couple days.
An audition, i'd been in l.A. For like a couple days. And my agency sent me to this
audition and i went along and i
met this girl in the corridor
Audition and i went along and i met this girl in the corridor called carla.
Met this girl in the corridor called carla. And i was really nervous, and
Called carla. And i was really nervous, and she could tell i was nervous.
And she sort of calmed me down
She could tell i was nervous. And she sort of calmed me down and we had a little bit of a
chat and she was really cute,
And we had a little bit of a chat and she was really cute, and we flirted together and
Chat and she was really cute, and we flirted together and stuff.
And we flirted together and stuff. And then i went and read the
Stuff. And then i went and read the little bit, and then i went
home.
Little bit, and then i went home. And then i got a call later on
Home. And then i got a call later on that afternoon, going, "they
loved you.
That afternoon, going, "they loved you. You're gonna come back for a
Loved you. You're gonna come back for a callback."
So i'm like, "excellent.
Callback." So i'm like, "excellent. That's good.
So, i go back for the callback,
and when you do callbacks, often
they have you reading with
And when you do callbacks, often they have you reading with another person.
They have you reading with another person. So, i'm in the room, reading
Another person. So, i'm in the room, reading with this girl, and it's the
same girl from the corridor.
With this girl, and it's the same girl from the corridor. It's carla, right?
Same girl from the corridor. It's carla, right? And we're sort of flirting,
going, "hey, from the thing
before -- Ahh."
Going, "hey, from the thing before -- Ahh." And so we're reading.
Before -- Ahh." And so we're reading. We have great on-Screen
chemistry and all that type of
stuff.
Chemistry and all that type of stuff. Then after the audition, i said,
Stuff. Then after the audition, i said, "carla, do you have any taxicab
numbers?
"Carla, do you have any taxicab numbers? I got to get to my next
Numbers? I got to get to my next audition."
She said, "where are you trying
Audition." She said, "where are you trying to get to?"
And i went, "santa monica."
To get to?" And i went, "santa monica." And she said, "that's where i'm
going.
I'll give you a lift."
Going. I'll give you a lift." Now, please note at this stage
of the story i didn't ask for
the lift.
Of the story i didn't ask for the lift. We go down to the car.
The lift. We go down to the car. She gets in.
She unwinds my window.
She looks out and goes, "jim,
what's your full name?"
And i went, "jim jefferies."
What's your full name?" And i went, "jim jefferies." And she went, "wait there."
Then she called her mom up and
said, "hi, mom. It's carla."
I just met a very nice boy at
Said, "hi, mom. It's carla." I just met a very nice boy at the audition today, and i'm
going to give him a lift.
The audition today, and i'm going to give him a lift. But in case i get raped or
Going to give him a lift. But in case i get raped or murdered, his name's
jim jefferies.
Murdered, his name's jim jefferies. So if you don't hear from me in
Jim jefferies. So if you don't hear from me in an hour, assume something bad
has happened and call the cops.
An hour, assume something bad has happened and call the cops. Get it, jim!"
Has happened and call the cops. Get it, jim!" So i get in.
We got like a 15-Mile drive.
I say fucking nothing for the
first 5 miles.
I just look forward.
First 5 miles. I just look forward. And eventually i turn to her and
go, "you've just made this rape
really awkward."
Go, "you've just made this rape really awkward." She fucking freaks out!
Really awkward." She fucking freaks out! She slams her foot on the
brakes.
She skids off the highway.
Brakes. She skids off the highway. She starts slapping at me.
I'm grabbing her wrists.
Now i feel kind of rapey, and
i didn't want to.
And it's like, "you offered the
I didn't want to. And it's like, "you offered the lift!
I didn't ask for the fucking
Lift! I didn't ask for the fucking lift!
You seem more concerned in
Lift! You seem more concerned in solving this crime than
preventing it."
Solving this crime than preventing it." So, i raped her to teach her a
Preventing it." So, i raped her to teach her a lesson, 'cause...
[ applause ]
Lesson, 'cause... [ applause ] ...how else would she learn?
[ Applause ] ...how else would she learn? We're trying to sell this show
to the americans.
I don't like our chances.
To the americans. I don't like our chances. So, let's do something we can
all enjoy.
Sometimes when i'm fucking a
All enjoy. Sometimes when i'm fucking a chick, i go to fuck them again
in the morning, and they'll say
Chick, i go to fuck them again in the morning, and they'll say something like this --
In the morning, and they'll say something like this -- "No.
Something like this -- "No. When we fucked last night, it
was a little bit dry, and now
i'm sore."
Was a little bit dry, and now i'm sore." Now, to any woman who's said
I'm sore." Now, to any woman who's said something similar to this, may i
say, "your problem.
Something similar to this, may i say, "your problem. My job was to get an erection.
Say, "your problem. My job was to get an erection. Your job was to get your hole
wet.
Didn't you get your hole wet?
Wet. Didn't you get your hole wet? We both had things to do"?
See...
if i don't get an erection
during sex, i'm called impotent.
If i don't get an erection during sex, i'm called impotent. But a dry hole is the same as a
During sex, i'm called impotent. But a dry hole is the same as a flaccid penis.
A dry hole is an impotent hole
Flaccid penis. A dry hole is an impotent hole and you're not a complete woman
and you should be ashamed of
And you're not a complete woman and you should be ashamed of yourself.
And you should be ashamed of yourself. [ Cheers and applause ]
Yourself. [ Cheers and applause ] but women don't take
responsibility for the dry hole.
But women don't take responsibility for the dry hole. If i go to fuck a chick tonight
Responsibility for the dry hole. If i go to fuck a chick tonight and i get too drunk, which i
will -- And i go to fuck a chick
And i get too drunk, which i will -- And i go to fuck a chick and i don't get an erection,
Will -- And i go to fuck a chick and i don't get an erection, she'll go back to her friends
And i don't get an erection, she'll go back to her friends and go, "oh, i went to fuck that
She'll go back to her friends and go, "oh, i went to fuck that jim jefferies.
And go, "oh, i went to fuck that jim jefferies. He couldn't get an erection."
Jim jefferies. He couldn't get an erection." But if i go to fuck a chick and
she doesn't get wet, she'll go
back to her friends and go,
She doesn't get wet, she'll go back to her friends and go, "i fucked jim jefferies.
Back to her friends and go, "i fucked jim jefferies. He didn't even get me wet."
"I fucked jim jefferies. He didn't even get me wet." Do you see the problem there?
I'm in charge of everything.
It's like -- I used to fuck this
chick for a while.
I start fucking her, and she
Chick for a while. I start fucking her, and she sent me a text -- Well, you
know, i just stopped calling
Sent me a text -- Well, you know, i just stopped calling her, you know, just ignored her.
Know, i just stopped calling her, you know, just ignored her. And she sent me a text message
Her, you know, just ignored her. And she sent me a text message a month later that went, "oh,
by the way, you never made me
A month later that went, "oh, by the way, you never made me come."
By the way, you never made me come." And i was like, "pfft, really?
Come." And i was like, "pfft, really? You think you're the one who
makes me come?
Do you want to know who makes
Makes me come? Do you want to know who makes me come?
I make me come!
Me come? I make me come! All the horrible thoughts i
have in my fucking head makes
me come!
Have in my fucking head makes me come! You have very little to do
Me come! You have very little to do with it.
You're just the container i
With it. You're just the container i shoot it into."
[ Applause ]
Shoot it into." [ Applause ] but let's go back to the dry
cunt.
But let's go back to the dry cunt. There are women in the room who
Cunt. There are women in the room who are thinking, "maybe i wouldn't
be dry if there was a bit of
Are thinking, "maybe i wouldn't be dry if there was a bit of foreplay."
Be dry if there was a bit of foreplay." Let's explain foreplay.
Foreplay." Let's explain foreplay. Foreplay is what we do to each
other to get each other ready
for sex.
Other to get each other ready for sex. If i have an erection, that
For sex. If i have an erection, that means i'm ready for sex and
i'm all foreplayed out.
Means i'm ready for sex and i'm all foreplayed out. Now, the foreplay that's
I'm all foreplayed out. Now, the foreplay that's necessary for a woman goes like
this -- You got to start by
Necessary for a woman goes like this -- You got to start by kissing them.
This -- You got to start by kissing them. Women love kissing.
Kissing them. Women love kissing. Men don't give a shit about
kissing.
We kiss you because we like you
Kissing. We kiss you because we like you and -- Let's be honest -- We
spoil you.
And -- Let's be honest -- We spoil you. Men don't give a fuck about
Spoil you. Men don't give a fuck about kissing.
Used to like kissing when we
Kissing. Used to like kissing when we were in our early teens.
Then someone sucked our dick.
Were in our early teens. Then someone sucked our dick. And then, "what's this kissing
thing?
Why am i kissing this person?
Thing? Why am i kissing this person? Why would i ride on the swings?
I've already been to
disneyland."
But we kiss you 'cause we like
Disneyland." But we kiss you 'cause we like you and we're a charitable
bunch.
You and we're a charitable bunch. Then you start kissing down the
Bunch. Then you start kissing down the neck.
Now, the whole time you're doing
Neck. Now, the whole time you're doing this, you're working downwards,
towards the cunt.
This, you're working downwards, towards the cunt. Now, you know you're going to
Towards the cunt. Now, you know you're going to the cunt.
She knows you're going to the
The cunt. She knows you're going to the cunt.
Everybody knows...you're going
Cunt. Everybody knows...you're going to the cunt.
But for some unbeknown reason,
To the cunt. But for some unbeknown reason, you have to act like you're not
going to the cunt and that
You have to act like you're not going to the cunt and that you're enjoying the journey of
Going to the cunt and that you're enjoying the journey of this creature.
You're enjoying the journey of this creature. Women -- You got to give them a
This creature. Women -- You got to give them a journey.
Men don't give a shit about a
Journey. Men don't give a shit about a journey.
If a man's driving from point
Journey. If a man's driving from point "a" to point "b," we fill the
tank, we get on the motorway,
"A" to point "b," we fill the tank, we get on the motorway, we make good time, right?
Tank, we get on the motorway, we make good time, right? With women, you got to give them
We make good time, right? With women, you got to give them a fucking journey.
You got to take them by the
A fucking journey. You got to take them by the water or antiquing or some shit.
[ Chuckles ]
Water or antiquing or some shit. [ Chuckles ] see, the thing is women read so
many magazines about how to send
See, the thing is women read so many magazines about how to send your man wild and how to
Many magazines about how to send your man wild and how to titillate your man and all these
Your man wild and how to titillate your man and all these 25 steps to do all the --
Titillate your man and all these 25 steps to do all the -- It's a lot of fucking bullshit.
Oh, "get a feather."
"Involve food in the
relationship."
This is all bullshit.
Relationship." This is all bullshit. "Play with his nipples."
These things are fucking dead!
They're dead to me!
These mean nothing!
You could cut these off and
donate them to some poor african
child without nipples!
Donate them to some poor african child without nipples! I wouldn't give a fuck.
Child without nipples! I wouldn't give a fuck. This is what we want you to
do -- Fucking suck our cock and
cup our balls.
Do -- Fucking suck our cock and cup our balls. And when you're sucking our
Cup our balls. And when you're sucking our cock, look like you're in a bit
of pain because we enjoy it if
Cock, look like you're in a bit of pain because we enjoy it if you look uncomfortable.
Of pain because we enjoy it if you look uncomfortable. [ Cheers and applause ]
You look uncomfortable. [ Cheers and applause ] anyway, but back to the lady --
You keep kissing down.
Anyway, but back to the lady -- You keep kissing down. Now you're at the tits.
Now, tits are a mixed bag.
Some tits you got to be firm
with.
Some tits you got to be soft
With. Some tits you got to be soft with.
Some tits, you can bite the
With. Some tits, you can bite the nipple.
Some tits, don't even go near
Nipple. Some tits, don't even go near the nipple.
Tits are like golf -- You play
The nipple. Tits are like golf -- You play the course you're on.
Then...you keep kissing down.
The course you're on. Then...you keep kissing down. Now you're at the cunt.
But even when you get to the
cunt, you have to act like
you're not at the cunt.
Cunt, you have to act like you're not at the cunt. You have to act like you've
You're not at the cunt. You have to act like you've stumbled upon the cunt by
accident.
Stumbled upon the cunt by accident. So, you'll be kissing, like, a
Accident. So, you'll be kissing, like, a dimple-Y bit of thigh here, and
the cunt's there.
Dimple-Y bit of thigh here, and the cunt's there. And you have to sort of almost,
The cunt's there. And you have to sort of almost, "oh, hello!
I was visiting dimple-Y thigh.
"Oh, hello! I was visiting dimple-Y thigh. I forgot you lived down here.
No, always a pleasure, never a
chore.
Do you mind if i pop in?"
Chore. Do you mind if i pop in?" Then you lick the whole general
cunt area.
Then there's a bit at the top of
Cunt area. Then there's a bit at the top of the cunt -- If you lick that,
they seem to enjoy it.
The cunt -- If you lick that, they seem to enjoy it. This all takes between 10 and 40
They seem to enjoy it. This all takes between 10 and 40 minutes.
And she might be wet.
Minutes. And she might be wet. And that's the foreplay that's
necessary for a woman.
Now, the foreplay that's
Necessary for a woman. Now, the foreplay that's necessary for a man -- We just
need to see you naked.
Necessary for a man -- We just need to see you naked. Maybe you need kisses, caresses,
Need to see you naked. Maybe you need kisses, caresses, compliments, and licks, when all
we need is you.
Compliments, and licks, when all we need is you. Maybe we take our relationships
We need is you. Maybe we take our relationships seriously.
[ Cheers and applause ]
how many more do you reckon there is behind there?
How many more do you reckon there is behind there? There's a dwarf behind there
There is behind there? There's a dwarf behind there mixing me a cocktail.
I am fucking drunk, though.
Mixing me a cocktail. I am fucking drunk, though. All right.
I'm gonna tell you a story.
This story's very long.
The first three minutes of this
story are very depressing.
Just hitching up my pants.
Story are very depressing. Just hitching up my pants. The first three minutes of this
story are very depressing, but
there is a moment where this
Story are very depressing, but there is a moment where this story takes flight.
There is a moment where this story takes flight. And you have to hang in there
Story takes flight. And you have to hang in there with me until this moment and
trust me that the story's gonna
With me until this moment and trust me that the story's gonna get good.
Trust me that the story's gonna get good. I grew up at number 3
Get good. I grew up at number 3 turramurra street.
At number 5 was my two best
Turramurra street. At number 5 was my two best childhood friends, andrew and
daniel connor.
Childhood friends, andrew and daniel connor. Daniel was born with a disease
Daniel connor. Daniel was born with a disease called muscular dystrophy.
If you don't know what muscular
Called muscular dystrophy. If you don't know what muscular dystrophy is, it's a horrible
disease that wastes away at your
Dystrophy is, it's a horrible disease that wastes away at your muscles.
Disease that wastes away at your muscles. It's the same as lou gehrig's
Muscles. It's the same as lou gehrig's disease or motor neuron disease,
except you're born with it.
Disease or motor neuron disease, except you're born with it. You get diagnosed when you're
Except you're born with it. You get diagnosed when you're about 6 years old, when you're
not walking right and they put
About 6 years old, when you're not walking right and they put you on crutches.
Not walking right and they put you on crutches. By the time you're 10, you're in
You on crutches. By the time you're 10, you're in a wheelchair.
By the time you're 20, you're in
A wheelchair. By the time you're 20, you're in a completely vegetative state.
Most people die before their
A completely vegetative state. Most people die before their 25th birthday.
Dan's lived to be 33 years old,
still alive and kicking.
Let me rephrase that --
Still alive and kicking. Let me rephrase that -- Still alive.
[ Scattered applause ]
he's actually died seven times
in his life and been
He's actually died seven times in his life and been resuscitated -- Seven.
In his life and been resuscitated -- Seven. And i once asked him -- I said,
Resuscitated -- Seven. And i once asked him -- I said, "dan, what happens after you
die?"
"Dan, what happens after you die?" And he said, "nothing."
Die?" And he said, "nothing." So, good luck with your religion
and your faith.
I'll take an actual statistic.
And your faith. I'll take an actual statistic. Now, his family had since moved
to melbourne.
I had moved to great britain.
To melbourne. I had moved to great britain. I went to do the
melbourne comedy festival.
This was about a year ago.
Melbourne comedy festival. This was about a year ago. I hadn't seen him in all that
time.
His brother andrew came to see
Time. His brother andrew came to see my show, and then andrew took me
to see dan.
My show, and then andrew took me to see dan. And i went in to see him, and
To see dan. And i went in to see him, and i'd never seen anyone live this
long with this disease.
I'd never seen anyone live this long with this disease. And he's laying on a bed.
Long with this disease. And he's laying on a bed. His eyelids are a muscle that he
can't keep open anymore, and
he's just squinting through
Can't keep open anymore, and he's just squinting through these little things and has a
He's just squinting through these little things and has a breathing mask on him to keep
These little things and has a breathing mask on him to keep his lungs working because the
Breathing mask on him to keep his lungs working because the lungs are a muscle that he can't
His lungs working because the lungs are a muscle that he can't keep pumping.
Lungs are a muscle that he can't keep pumping. He has a heart-Monitoring
Keep pumping. He has a heart-Monitoring machine in case he flatlines in
the middle of the night and
Machine in case he flatlines in the middle of the night and someone has to resuscitate him.
The middle of the night and someone has to resuscitate him. And as soon as i walked in and
Someone has to resuscitate him. And as soon as i walked in and saw this guy that i used to run
around with as a child, i burst
Saw this guy that i used to run around with as a child, i burst into tears.
Around with as a child, i burst into tears. There's nothing worse you can
Into tears. There's nothing worse you can give anyone in this world than
pity, you know?
Give anyone in this world than pity, you know? I went in the corridor.
Pity, you know? I went in the corridor. I felt like a right prick.
And i was fucking wiping my eyes
off.
And i went back in and i sat
Off. And i went back in and i sat with dan, and his brother andrew
went off to work.
With dan, and his brother andrew went off to work. And me and dan chatted for
Went off to work. And me and dan chatted for a while.
20 minutes into the
A while. 20 minutes into the conversation, dan says to me,
"jim, i'm 32 years old.
Conversation, dan says to me, "jim, i'm 32 years old. I've never been with a woman.
"Jim, i'm 32 years old. I've never been with a woman. Will you take me to a
prostitute?"
And that's where the story picks
Prostitute?" And that's where the story picks up, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause
i went, "fuck, yeah!"
Up, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause i went, "fuck, yeah!" And he went, "but don't tell my
I went, "fuck, yeah!" And he went, "but don't tell my brother.
He wouldn't understand."
Brother. He wouldn't understand." And i said, "that's where you're
wrong.
I've known your brother my
Wrong. I've known your brother my entire life.
Trust me -- He will understand."
Entire life. Trust me -- He will understand." And against dan's will, when
andrew came home from work, i
pulled andrew aside and said,
Andrew came home from work, i pulled andrew aside and said, "andrew, look, here's the deal.
Pulled andrew aside and said, "andrew, look, here's the deal. Dan's asked me to take him to
"Andrew, look, here's the deal. Dan's asked me to take him to a prostitute.
I'm gonna do it whether you like
A prostitute. I'm gonna do it whether you like it or not, but i think, as his
brother, you should come along
It or not, but i think, as his brother, you should come along and help out."
Brother, you should come along and help out." And andrew went, "we're not
And help out." And andrew went, "we're not doing it."
And i went, "why?"
Doing it." And i went, "why?" And he went, "it'll kill him."
And i went --
[ Exhales heavily ]
"he's gonna die soon anyway.
This is a good way for him to
"He's gonna die soon anyway. This is a good way for him to go.
Like, sure, we'll have to answer
Go. Like, sure, we'll have to answer a few questions."
And he said, "we're not doing
A few questions." And he said, "we're not doing it."
And i said, "why?"
It." And i said, "why?" And he goes, "'cause mom doesn't
like you already!"
And i went, "your mom's never
Like you already!" And i went, "your mom's never liked me!
That's why i'm the right guy to
Liked me! That's why i'm the right guy to kill your brother!"
And he said, "all right, we'll
Kill your brother!" And he said, "all right, we'll do it, but he can't have full
sex.
Do it, but he can't have full sex. Full sex will kill him.
Sex. Full sex will kill him. He can only have a blowjob."
And i thought that was fairly
reasonable.
So, we went back in and saw dan.
Reasonable. So, we went back in and saw dan. He was where we left him.
And we said...
"dan, here's the deal -- I know
you told me not to tell your
"Dan, here's the deal -- I know you told me not to tell your brother, but i told your
You told me not to tell your brother, but i told your brother.
Brother, but i told your brother. Me and him are both gonna take
Brother. Me and him are both gonna take you to the knock shop tomorrow,
mate, but you can't have full
You to the knock shop tomorrow, mate, but you can't have full sex.
Mate, but you can't have full sex. You can only have a blowjob."
Sex. You can only have a blowjob." And dan went, "i want full sex."
And his brother andrew went,
"dan, you're in no position to
argue with anyone, ever."
"Dan, you're in no position to argue with anyone, ever." Then dan reluctantly agreed.
Argue with anyone, ever." Then dan reluctantly agreed. Now, prostitution in australia
is legal, so i spent the rest of
the afternoon going through the
Is legal, so i spent the rest of the afternoon going through the phonebook, trying to find a
The afternoon going through the phonebook, trying to find a brothel with wheelchair access.
Phonebook, trying to find a brothel with wheelchair access. Best afternoon ever!
Brothel with wheelchair access. Best afternoon ever! [ Scattered applause ]
eventually, i found one, the
biggest brothel in the southern
Eventually, i found one, the biggest brothel in the southern hemisphere, the daily planet,
Biggest brothel in the southern hemisphere, the daily planet, or, as the australians call it,
Hemisphere, the daily planet, or, as the australians call it, "four floors of whores."
Or, as the australians call it, "four floors of whores." It's a 24-Hour brothel because
"Four floors of whores." It's a 24-Hour brothel because australia's a go-Ahead country.
So, we decided we were gonna go
Australia's a go-Ahead country. So, we decided we were gonna go early in the morning, like
really early, like 6:00 a.M.
Early in the morning, like really early, like 6:00 a.M. We wanted to go in when the
Really early, like 6:00 a.M. We wanted to go in when the place was quiet and we weren't
gonna cause a scene.
Place was quiet and we weren't gonna cause a scene. So, we wake him up at 6:00 in
Gonna cause a scene. So, we wake him up at 6:00 in the morning.
It's hard to tell if he's awake.
The morning. It's hard to tell if he's awake. And we get him in his chair.
Now, he hasn't got your
bog-Standard fucking wheelchair.
He's got one of those big sort
Bog-Standard fucking wheelchair. He's got one of those big sort of silver-Looking things with
the truck tires on it.
Of silver-Looking things with the truck tires on it. I think the model's called a
The truck tires on it. I think the model's called a hawking.
And even though his muscles
Hawking. And even though his muscles don't work, they get sore.
So, this thing can move him from
Don't work, they get sore. So, this thing can move him from side to side and back to front
and even into a full bed.
Side to side and back to front and even into a full bed. So, we get him in the chair.
And even into a full bed. So, we get him in the chair. Then we order a taxi.
And then -- It's not like you
have black cabs out there.
It's like a normal car, but
Have black cabs out there. It's like a normal car, but they've modified the back to go
higher, and they drive him up
They've modified the back to go higher, and they drive him up through the boot and they strap
Higher, and they drive him up through the boot and they strap him in there and he sits up
Through the boot and they strap him in there and he sits up high, with windows all around
Him in there and he sits up high, with windows all around him, like a big, retarded
High, with windows all around him, like a big, retarded pope...
Him, like a big, retarded pope... or, as the catholics would say,
Pope... or, as the catholics would say, the pope.
Or, as the catholics would say, the pope. [ Applause ]
The pope. [ Applause ] and we drive up to the brothel.
Now, when we get to the brothel,
And we drive up to the brothel. Now, when we get to the brothel, it takes 10 minutes to get him
off the taxi.
It takes 10 minutes to get him off the taxi. I see this as my window of
Off the taxi. I see this as my window of opportunity, so while they're
getting him off the taxi, i run
Opportunity, so while they're getting him off the taxi, i run into the brothel.
Getting him off the taxi, i run into the brothel. Now, there's two ways that
Into the brothel. Now, there's two ways that brothels work.
Either the prostitutes will
Brothels work. Either the prostitutes will stand in a row in their lingerie
and you just pick the one that
Stand in a row in their lingerie and you just pick the one that you want, or they'll stand
And you just pick the one that you want, or they'll stand around in a bar in evening gowns
You want, or they'll stand around in a bar in evening gowns and high heels and you walk up
Around in a bar in evening gowns and high heels and you walk up to the one that you like the
And high heels and you walk up to the one that you like the look of, chat to her for a bit,
To the one that you like the look of, chat to her for a bit, act like you've got some type of
Look of, chat to her for a bit, act like you've got some type of connection with an eastern
Act like you've got some type of connection with an eastern european woman, then take her
Connection with an eastern european woman, then take her upstairs and fuck her if you
European woman, then take her upstairs and fuck her if you need your life to be this
Upstairs and fuck her if you need your life to be this delusional.
Need your life to be this delusional. This is one of these situations.
Delusional. This is one of these situations. So, while they're getting dan
out of the cab, i run into the
brothel and go, "everyone,
Out of the cab, i run into the brothel and go, "everyone, quickly, gather 'round!
Brothel and go, "everyone, quickly, gather 'round! I haven't got much time!"
Quickly, gather 'round! I haven't got much time!" And these 14 bemused hookers
shuffle over, and i went,
"look -- Here's the deal.
Shuffle over, and i went, "look -- Here's the deal. I have a severely disabled
"Look -- Here's the deal. I have a severely disabled friend with me.
If you're not up for it, speak
Friend with me. If you're not up for it, speak now or forever hold your peace."
And one of them went, "how bad
Now or forever hold your peace." And one of them went, "how bad is he?"
And i went, "[ chuckles ]
Is he?" And i went, "[ chuckles ] pretty fucking bad."
And 10 of them said they
Pretty fucking bad." And 10 of them said they wouldn't do it, and i said,
"well, i respect that, but can
Wouldn't do it, and i said, "well, i respect that, but can you please go and hide?
"Well, i respect that, but can you please go and hide? Because i don't want him to be
You please go and hide? Because i don't want him to be rejected by hookers."
And these 10 girls shuffle away
Rejected by hookers." And these 10 girls shuffle away in their evening gowns and their
high heels, with gonorrhea
In their evening gowns and their high heels, with gonorrhea falling out of them.
High heels, with gonorrhea falling out of them. I am now left with four girls.
Falling out of them. I am now left with four girls. The best-Looking one by a mile
stays.
Dan wheels in, looking like
Stays. Dan wheels in, looking like jabba the hut, breathing like
darth vader.
Jabba the hut, breathing like darth vader. Two of the girls run away, and
Darth vader. Two of the girls run away, and i'm like, "are you fucking
kidding, you sluts?
I'm like, "are you fucking kidding, you sluts? I just asked you nicely."
Kidding, you sluts? I just asked you nicely." So we're now left with two
girls.
The best-Looking one's there.
Girls. The best-Looking one's there. The other one's a fucking troll.
Now, out of respect for the ugly
one, i go to dan -- I go, "dan,
there's only two girls working
One, i go to dan -- I go, "dan, there's only two girls working today, mate.
There's only two girls working today, mate. Which one do you want?"
Today, mate. Which one do you want?" And he said, "the one in the
green dress."
Now, neither of them had a
Green dress." Now, neither of them had a green dress.
I stand up and look at andrew
Green dress. I stand up and look at andrew and went, "what the fuck is all
this about?"
And went, "what the fuck is all this about?" And andrew went, "oh, yeah, his
This about?" And andrew went, "oh, yeah, his eyes are fucked, as well."
Now, it turns out that dan's
Eyes are fucked, as well." Now, it turns out that dan's colorblind.
It's not part of the condition.
Colorblind. It's not part of the condition. It's just unfortunate.
So...i sat with the hooker.
Now, i'm gonna pay for
everything.
Now, the reason i'm gonna pay
Everything. Now, the reason i'm gonna pay for everything is simple.
I told dan and andrew that i
For everything is simple. I told dan and andrew that i would pay for everything, as
long as i got to tell this story
Would pay for everything, as long as i got to tell this story to hundreds of thousands of
Long as i got to tell this story to hundreds of thousands of people in the future.
To hundreds of thousands of people in the future. And they said, "of course you
People in the future. And they said, "of course you can, jim, but be respectful and
change our names," which sounds
Can, jim, but be respectful and change our names," which sounds like the right thing to do, now,
Change our names," which sounds like the right thing to do, now, doesn't it?
Like the right thing to do, now, doesn't it? Now, i haven't changed their
Doesn't it? Now, i haven't changed their names.
Their names are andrew and
Names. Their names are andrew and daniel connor from st kilda,
melbourne, australia.
Daniel connor from st kilda, melbourne, australia. I would have liked to have
Melbourne, australia. I would have liked to have changed their names.
It is the right thing to do.
Changed their names. It is the right thing to do. But i look at this way -- Even
if i changed their names and
their parents started watching
If i changed their names and their parents started watching my comedy, they'd be like, "my
Their parents started watching my comedy, they'd be like, "my word, doesn't 'randy' and
My comedy, they'd be like, "my word, doesn't 'randy' and 'steve' sound like our kids?
Word, doesn't 'randy' and 'steve' sound like our kids? Didn't jim grow up with a lot of
'Steve' sound like our kids? Didn't jim grow up with a lot of people with muscular dystrophy?"
So, i sat there with the hooker,
People with muscular dystrophy?" So, i sat there with the hooker, and i said, "how much for the
half-Hour?"
And i said, "how much for the half-Hour?" And she said, "$180."
Half-Hour?" And she said, "$180." And i said, "i'll give you $250
'cause i realize this is a
specialty thing you're doing."
'Cause i realize this is a specialty thing you're doing." And she goes, "i got one
Specialty thing you're doing." And she goes, "i got one question for you," and i said,
"shoot," and she went...
Question for you," and i said, "shoot," and she went... "is he mentally retarded?"
"Shoot," and she went... "is he mentally retarded?" And i went...
"Is he mentally retarded?" And i went... "oh, yeah.
That's what i do.
"Oh, yeah. That's what i do. I find mentally retarded people
and take them to prostitutes.
I'll be masturbating in the
And take them to prostitutes. I'll be masturbating in the corner.
He doesn't even know he's here."
Corner. He doesn't even know he's here." And she went, "okay, then, but
if there's two of you --"
"No, he's not mentally retarded!
If there's two of you --" "No, he's not mentally retarded! It's his choice to come here!
There's a good chance he'll
die!"
And she went, "what am i meant
Die!" And she went, "what am i meant to do with him?"
And i went, "i don't know.
To do with him?" And i went, "i don't know. I've never been a hooker.
But i'm thinking give him a bit
of a show.
Dance it around a bit.
Of a show. Dance it around a bit. Rub your tits in his face.
Then suck him off.
But don't sit on him or fuck
him.
It'll kill him."
Him. It'll kill him." So, we go up to the room, which,
thank god, was on the first
floor.
Thank god, was on the first floor. And me and andrew look at dan
Floor. And me and andrew look at dan like two proud parents, watching
our child go to school for the
Like two proud parents, watching our child go to school for the first time.
Our child go to school for the first time. And then we leave.
First time. And then we leave. And as we proceed to leave, i
pat andrew on the back, and i
said, "andrew, you've been a
Pat andrew on the back, and i said, "andrew, you've been a good brother today."
Said, "andrew, you've been a good brother today." He said, "thanks, mate."
Good brother today." He said, "thanks, mate." Then we had a hug.
And then we had that moment
after our hug that australian
men have, where we go, "ah, get
After our hug that australian men have, where we go, "ah, get out of here.
Men have, where we go, "ah, get out of here. What's wrong with ya?"
Out of here. What's wrong with ya?" And then i said, "hey, andrew,
how does dan get his clothes
off?"
How does dan get his clothes off?" And andrew went...
Off?" And andrew went... "fuck!"
And we went back in.
"Fuck!" And we went back in. Andrew looks him up and down,
and he turns to me and goes,
"look -- He's very fragile.
And he turns to me and goes, "look -- He's very fragile. I know how he likes to be
"Look -- He's very fragile. I know how he likes to be picked up.
I'll lift him up.
Picked up. I'll lift him up. You take his pants off."
Andrew gets behind, lifts him up
by his armpits -- Like i
couldn't have figured out their
By his armpits -- Like i couldn't have figured out their magical hold.
Couldn't have figured out their magical hold. I'm on my knees taking dan's
Magical hold. I'm on my knees taking dan's track-Suit pants off.
He always wore track-Suit pants,
Track-Suit pants off. He always wore track-Suit pants, never got into fashion.
And as i'm taking his track-Suit
Never got into fashion. And as i'm taking his track-Suit pants off, what many of you are
wondering is, "can dan get an
Pants off, what many of you are wondering is, "can dan get an erection?"
Wondering is, "can dan get an erection?" And the answer is, "yes."
Erection?" And the answer is, "yes." Even though none of the muscles
in his body work, the cock is
not a muscle.
In his body work, the cock is not a muscle. The cock is a bit of skin that
Not a muscle. The cock is a bit of skin that fills with blood.
If he gets aroused up here,
Fills with blood. If he gets aroused up here, blood will rush to there.
Now, what nobody knew about this
Blood will rush to there. Now, what nobody knew about this 32-Year-Old virgin is that dan's
packing heat!
I'm talking 9 1/2 inches of
Packing heat! I'm talking 9 1/2 inches of disabled misery.
This cock's so fucking big, i
Disabled misery. This cock's so fucking big, i think that's why the rest of his
muscles didn't work.
Think that's why the rest of his muscles didn't work. I take the pants off.
Muscles didn't work. I take the pants off. This thing springs up and hits
me in the mouth.
Then the hooker goes, "let's do the light." Let's explain the light.
The light." Let's explain the light. When they legalized prostitution
in australia, they didn't
legalize it in all forms.
In australia, they didn't legalize it in all forms. For instance, you cannot get a
Legalize it in all forms. For instance, you cannot get a street-Walking hooker.
You cannot get a prostitute to
Street-Walking hooker. You cannot get a prostitute to your hotel room.
You can only go to a brothel, in
Your hotel room. You can only go to a brothel, in a safe environment, where they
have security for the girls in
A safe environment, where they have security for the girls in case a man shows up being a
Have security for the girls in case a man shows up being a drunken dickhead or whatever.
Case a man shows up being a drunken dickhead or whatever. And also it's safer for the
Drunken dickhead or whatever. And also it's safer for the people that go to brothels
because the girls get tested for
People that go to brothels because the girls get tested for stds every month.
Because the girls get tested for stds every month. So, arguably, you're better off
Stds every month. So, arguably, you're better off in australia fucking a
prostitute than picking up a
In australia fucking a prostitute than picking up a girl in a bar.
Prostitute than picking up a girl in a bar. But i'm not gonna have that
Girl in a bar. But i'm not gonna have that conversation again.
All my -- You try explaining
Conversation again. All my -- You try explaining that to a girlfriend.
It's a fucking minefield.
That to a girlfriend. It's a fucking minefield. But also they make it safe for
the girls.
If you're a guy who goes to a
The girls. If you're a guy who goes to a prostitute, you have to undergo
the light.
Prostitute, you have to undergo the light. Let's explain the light.
The light. Let's explain the light. It's very simple.
It sounds like what it is.
You put your cock under a very
bright light, and they look
around the shaft to see if
Bright light, and they look around the shaft to see if there's anything untoward.
Around the shaft to see if there's anything untoward. Then they get a magnifying glass
There's anything untoward. Then they get a magnifying glass out, go through your pubes to
make sure nothing's running
Out, go through your pubes to make sure nothing's running around.
Make sure nothing's running around. It's not a big deal.
Around. It's not a big deal. I've been rejected heaps of
times.
Now, the chair's here.
Times. Now, the chair's here. There's a bed here.
There's a hot tub there.
The light's over there.
Now, we try to get the chair
past the bed and the hot tub,
but we can't get it through.
Past the bed and the hot tub, but we can't get it through. So, me and andrew walk over to
But we can't get it through. So, me and andrew walk over to the hooker, and we're whispering
'cause we don't want dan to
The hooker, and we're whispering 'cause we don't want dan to hear.
'Cause we don't want dan to hear. We're like, "um...we can't do
Hear. We're like, "um...we can't do the light thing."
And she goes, "if you don't do
The light thing." And she goes, "if you don't do the light, i'm not doing it."
And me and andrew went, "aw.
The light, i'm not doing it." And me and andrew went, "aw. Come on.
He's a virgin.
What's the worst that could
happen?"
And she whispered, "actually,
Happen?" And she whispered, "actually, i'm more concerned about his
cleanliness."
I'm more concerned about his cleanliness." And then his brother andrew said
Cleanliness." And then his brother andrew said loudly and proudly, "i washed it
before we came out!"
Loudly and proudly, "i washed it before we came out!" Now, you may think you're a good
Before we came out!" Now, you may think you're a good brother, good sister, good
mother, good daughter, whatever
Brother, good sister, good mother, good daughter, whatever the fuck you think you are in
Mother, good daughter, whatever the fuck you think you are in this world, but you're nothing
The fuck you think you are in this world, but you're nothing until you've washed your
This world, but you're nothing until you've washed your disabled brother's cock to take
Until you've washed your disabled brother's cock to take him to a prostitute!
Disabled brother's cock to take him to a prostitute! That is love, ladies and
Him to a prostitute! That is love, ladies and gentlemen -- Tangible fucking
love.
Gentlemen -- Tangible fucking love. So, we looked at dan.
Love. So, we looked at dan. Everyone agreed it was time to
go.
We looked at dan.
Go. We looked at dan. Me and andrew looked at him and
went, "we're going now, mate.
If you got anything you want to
Went, "we're going now, mate. If you got anything you want to say to us, say it now, 'cause,
uh, we're gonna leave, mate."
Say to us, say it now, 'cause, uh, we're gonna leave, mate." And this is what dan did.
[ Imitates wheelchair whirring ]
"Leave!" So, me and andrew went back down to the bar, and we hanged out
with the hookers.
To the bar, and we hanged out with the hookers. There was like 10 of them sort
With the hookers. There was like 10 of them sort of mulling around there.
We're standing there.
Of mulling around there. We're standing there. We don't know what dan's up to,
but we're standing around the
bar with all the hookers.
But we're standing around the bar with all the hookers. And then five guys from london
Bar with all the hookers. And then five guys from london walk into the bar, who are
obviously out of their fucking
Walk into the bar, who are obviously out of their fucking skulls on coke.
Obviously out of their fucking skulls on coke. Now, if you've never taken a
Skulls on coke. Now, if you've never taken a lot of coke, and i've --
[ Mumbles ]
Lot of coke, and i've -- [ Mumbles ] if anyone's got any...
[ mumbles ]
If anyone's got any... [ mumbles ] no, if you've never taken coke,
[ Mumbles ] no, if you've never taken coke, you don't -- When like five or
No, if you've never taken coke, you don't -- When like five or six guys get together and take
You don't -- When like five or six guys get together and take coke on, like, a tuesday, there
Six guys get together and take coke on, like, a tuesday, there comes a point at about 6:00 in
Coke on, like, a tuesday, there comes a point at about 6:00 in the morning when they go, "we
Comes a point at about 6:00 in the morning when they go, "we better call up some chicks,
The morning when they go, "we better call up some chicks, maybe --"
Better call up some chicks, maybe --" And you call up ex-Girlfriends,
Maybe --" And you call up ex-Girlfriends, like, "bring some friends, bring
some friends."
Like, "bring some friends, bring some friends." And it's like -- I don't know
Some friends." And it's like -- I don't know what you're expecting.
So, basically, this --
What you're expecting. So, basically, this -- I think it was a wednesday we
did this, and i think these guys
had been on coke all night.
Did this, and i think these guys had been on coke all night. And they've obviously gone, "all
Had been on coke all night. And they've obviously gone, "all right, let's go down the
brothel.
Right, let's go down the brothel. We'll go down the brothel.
Brothel. We'll go down the brothel. It'll be fun.
We'll go down the brothel."
And i'm standing at the bar,
chatting with all the hookers,
and these five guys from london
Chatting with all the hookers, and these five guys from london walk in, and one of them
And these five guys from london walk in, and one of them recognizes me and goes,
Walk in, and one of them recognizes me and goes, "jim fucking jefferies,
Recognizes me and goes, "jim fucking jefferies, jim fucking jefferies.
"Jim fucking jefferies, jim fucking jefferies. I know you, mate. I know you.
Jim fucking jefferies. I know you, mate. I know you. You're the comedian -- The
'spaz approved' guy, australian
comedian."
'Spaz approved' guy, australian comedian." And i went, "hey, how you doing,
Comedian." And i went, "hey, how you doing, man?"
He goes, "hey, jim, jim, jim,
Man?" He goes, "hey, jim, jim, jim, jim, jim, jim...
want a line of coke?"
Jim, jim, jim... want a line of coke?" And i went, "yes."
Want a line of coke?" And i went, "yes." And i went up to the toilet
and did a line of coke.
And i come back out, and,
And did a line of coke. And i come back out, and, obviously, i've left andrew
alone for too long, and he's
Obviously, i've left andrew alone for too long, and he's sort of panicking all by
Alone for too long, and he's sort of panicking all by himself.
Sort of panicking all by himself. And i sort of walk in, like...
Himself. And i sort of walk in, like... "what's wrong?"
And he goes, "what if we've done
"What's wrong?" And he goes, "what if we've done the wrong thing here?
What if he's in there dying
The wrong thing here? What if he's in there dying right now?
What if he stopped fucking
Right now? What if he stopped fucking breathing or -- What the fuck --
Or his heart stopped?
Breathing or -- What the fuck -- Or his heart stopped? What the fuck are we meant to
do?"
I said, "uh, not a problem,
Do?" I said, "uh, not a problem, not a problem.
Um...
Not a problem. Um... i'll resuscitate him."
And he said, "do you know how to
I'll resuscitate him." And he said, "do you know how to do that?"
And i said, "no, i don't, but
Do that?" And i said, "no, i don't, but how hard could it be?
Push, push, blow, blow."
How hard could it be? Push, push, blow, blow." [ Chuckles ]
i haven't embellished that in
the slightest.
I haven't embellished that in the slightest. That's the exact thing i said
The slightest. That's the exact thing i said to him -- "Push, push, blow,
blow."
To him -- "Push, push, blow, blow." Then the prostitute walks back
Blow." Then the prostitute walks back in the room, who was with dan.
So, i'm standing with the 5 coke
In the room, who was with dan. So, i'm standing with the 5 coke fiends, 10 prostitutes.
She walks in the room.
Fiends, 10 prostitutes. She walks in the room. It's like that moment in a movie
where the needle on the record
just sort of goes...
Where the needle on the record just sort of goes... [ imitates record scratching ]
Just sort of goes... [ imitates record scratching ] and everything stopped.
[ Imitates record scratching ] and everything stopped. And she walked in, and she said,
And everything stopped. And she walked in, and she said, "well...it's over."
And me and andrew, in unison,
"Well...it's over." And me and andrew, in unison, went...
"is he dead?"
And her exact words were, "oh, i didn't check that." So, me, andrew, the 5 coke
"Oh, i didn't check that." So, me, andrew, the 5 coke fiends, the 10 hookers -- We
all run to the room.
Fiends, the 10 hookers -- We all run to the room. No, he's not dead!
All run to the room. No, he's not dead! His chair's back in the upright
position.
His cock is still sitting up,
Position. His cock is still sitting up, majestically, covered in jizz
and spit.
Majestically, covered in jizz and spit. But for a man who an hour ago
And spit. But for a man who an hour ago couldn't lift his eyelids, he
was sitting there like this.
Couldn't lift his eyelids, he was sitting there like this. [ Applause ]
Was sitting there like this. [ Applause ] now, you might be wondering why
his eyelids were up like that.
Now, you might be wondering why his eyelids were up like that. Let me explain something.
His eyelids were up like that. Let me explain something. It wasn't through happiness.
Tell you something about myself.
I'm 33 years old.
I've been masturbating since i
was 10 years old.
And in that time, i have not
Was 10 years old. And in that time, i have not missed a day.
Every single day, i masturbate.
Missed a day. Every single day, i masturbate. Haven't missed a fucking day.
Every day, i'm in a hotel room
with a laptop way high up on my
chest here, so i don't have to
With a laptop way high up on my chest here, so i don't have to look at the filth i'm doing to
Chest here, so i don't have to look at the filth i'm doing to myself.
Look at the filth i'm doing to myself. So, i'm watching porn here.
Myself. So, i'm watching porn here. And 9 times out of 10, i hit the
apple sign, right?
[ Applause ]
Apple sign, right? [ Applause ] and i do this every single
fucking day.
And i do this every single fucking day. Yet i would be mortified if any
Fucking day. Yet i would be mortified if any one of you was to ever see me
doing this.
One of you was to ever see me doing this. I would want to fucking kill
Doing this. I would want to fucking kill myself.
And i do this every single
Myself. And i do this every single fucking day.
Now, imagine if you've never
Fucking day. Now, imagine if you've never ejaculated through the power of
yourself, you've never had
Ejaculated through the power of yourself, you've never had another person do it, you're
Yourself, you've never had another person do it, you're 32 years old, and for the first
Another person do it, you're 32 years old, and for the first time you've shot a load of
fucking stale jizz all over the
Time you've shot a load of fucking stale jizz all over the fucking room and you're sitting
Fucking stale jizz all over the fucking room and you're sitting there with your cock out and 15
Fucking room and you're sitting there with your cock out and 15 strangers walks in and you do
There with your cock out and 15 strangers walks in and you do not possess the power to put
Strangers walks in and you do not possess the power to put your cock away.
Not possess the power to put your cock away. Can you see how that might be a
Your cock away. Can you see how that might be a bit unhinging?
So, we had to get him dressed
Bit unhinging? So, we had to get him dressed quickly.
But there's come everywhere.
Quickly. But there's come everywhere. And this time, i look him up and
down.
And i turned to andrew and said,
Down. And i turned to andrew and said, "andrew, i don't give a fuck how
fragile he is.
"Andrew, i don't give a fuck how fragile he is. I'm taking the top half this
Fragile he is. I'm taking the top half this time."
And we lifted him up...
Time." And we lifted him up... and we put his pants on and we
proceeded to leave the brothel.
And we put his pants on and we proceeded to leave the brothel. Now, as we left the brothel, i
Proceeded to leave the brothel. Now, as we left the brothel, i turned to dan.
I said, "dan, i paid for a
Turned to dan. I said, "dan, i paid for a story.
Please tell me what happened."
Story. Please tell me what happened." And he said, "well, she danced
around a bit, rubbed her tits in
my face, and sucked me off,"
Around a bit, rubbed her tits in my face, and sucked me off," which is what i asked her to do.
My face, and sucked me off," which is what i asked her to do. It's so nice to be a disabled
Which is what i asked her to do. It's so nice to be a disabled sex puppeteer.
But even nicer than that --
Sex puppeteer. But even nicer than that -- I used to have a preconceived
notion on what i thought about
people such as prostitutes, man,
Notion on what i thought about people such as prostitutes, man, but i was wrong.
People such as prostitutes, man, but i was wrong. That woman treated him with
But i was wrong. That woman treated him with dignity and respect and made him
feel like a sexual being for the
Dignity and respect and made him feel like a sexual being for the only time in his life.
Feel like a sexual being for the only time in his life. And you can't put a price on
Only time in his life. And you can't put a price on that, all right?
Well, $180 is the -- The
That, all right? Well, $180 is the -- The exact -- The exact figure.
Then we go out front, and we go to call a taxi, and the taxi driver who drove us there is
To call a taxi, and the taxi driver who drove us there is still sitting out the front in
Driver who drove us there is still sitting out the front in his car.
Still sitting out the front in his car. And he winds his window down and
His car. And he winds his window down and looks out and goes, "i'll drive
you home for free.
Looks out and goes, "i'll drive you home for free. I just need to know what
You home for free. I just need to know what happened."
Thank you very much, ladies and
Happened." Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
Good night.
Gentlemen. Good night. [ Cheers and applause ]
[ Rock music plays ]
[ Speaking indistinctly ]
Hey!
ś she's an natural mover
ś ah
ś does it like a hoover
ś ah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah ś