1 00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:10,776 [ Horn honks ] 2 00:00:10,778 --> 00:00:23,956 [ Indistinct conversations ] [ scattered cheers and applause ] 3 00:00:23,958 --> 00:00:34,233 [ Rock music plays ] fuck. 4 00:00:34,235 --> 00:00:45,210 [ Speaking indistinctly ] [ laughs ] ladies and gentlemen, this 5 00:00:45,212 --> 00:00:47,179 [ Laughs ] ladies and gentlemen, this is your cue to start clapping, 6 00:00:47,181 --> 00:00:51,950 Ladies and gentlemen, this is your cue to start clapping, start cheering, start whooping, 7 00:00:51,952 --> 00:00:54,586 Is your cue to start clapping, start cheering, start whooping, and welcome to the stage 8 00:00:54,588 --> 00:00:57,556 Start cheering, start whooping, and welcome to the stage jim jefferies! 9 00:00:57,558 --> 00:00:59,491 And welcome to the stage jim jefferies! [ Cheers and applause ] 10 00:00:59,493 --> 00:01:07,800 Hello. 11 00:01:07,802 --> 00:01:16,975 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for coming to my show, "alcoholocaust." 12 00:01:16,977 --> 00:01:18,944 Thank you for coming to my show, "alcoholocaust." [ Laughing ] fucking look at 13 00:01:18,946 --> 00:01:20,512 "Alcoholocaust." [ Laughing ] fucking look at this big theater, man. 14 00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:21,747 [ Laughing ] fucking look at this big theater, man. I appreciate you coming out. 15 00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:23,048 This big theater, man. I appreciate you coming out. People who are watching this at 16 00:01:23,050 --> 00:01:24,349 I appreciate you coming out. People who are watching this at home might know that this is a 17 00:01:24,351 --> 00:01:25,484 People who are watching this at home might know that this is a fucking monday night, so i 18 00:01:25,486 --> 00:01:26,785 Home might know that this is a fucking monday night, so i appreciate how many people have 19 00:01:26,787 --> 00:01:27,152 Fucking monday night, so i appreciate how many people have come. 20 00:01:27,154 --> 00:01:29,388 Appreciate how many people have come. I realize that in this economy, 21 00:01:29,390 --> 00:01:31,290 Come. I realize that in this economy, tickets for things such as 22 00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:34,593 I realize that in this economy, tickets for things such as comedy shows aren't that cheap 23 00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:35,894 Tickets for things such as comedy shows aren't that cheap for men. 24 00:01:35,896 --> 00:01:38,964 Comedy shows aren't that cheap for men. For women, same price they've 25 00:01:38,966 --> 00:01:40,065 For men. For women, same price they've always fucking been, aren't 26 00:01:40,067 --> 00:01:41,433 For women, same price they've always fucking been, aren't they? 27 00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:43,068 Always fucking been, aren't they? Women don't pay for things like 28 00:01:43,070 --> 00:01:43,535 They? Women don't pay for things like this. 29 00:01:43,537 --> 00:01:45,170 Women don't pay for things like this. There's women in this room have 30 00:01:45,172 --> 00:01:46,705 This. There's women in this room have no fucking idea how much the 31 00:01:46,707 --> 00:01:48,073 There's women in this room have no fucking idea how much the ticket for this show cost. 32 00:01:48,075 --> 00:01:50,409 No fucking idea how much the ticket for this show cost. No fucking idea! 33 00:01:50,411 --> 00:01:51,610 Ticket for this show cost. No fucking idea! Your husband came home, said, 34 00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:52,678 No fucking idea! Your husband came home, said, "remember, we're seeing 35 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:54,046 Your husband came home, said, "remember, we're seeing jim jefferies," you said, "who?" 36 00:01:54,048 --> 00:01:56,615 "Remember, we're seeing jim jefferies," you said, "who?" And now you're fucking here. 37 00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:57,816 Jim jefferies," you said, "who?" And now you're fucking here. Women don't pay. 38 00:01:57,818 --> 00:01:59,818 And now you're fucking here. Women don't pay. Basically, women are a bunch of 39 00:01:59,820 --> 00:02:00,452 Women don't pay. Basically, women are a bunch of cunts. 40 00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:03,689 Basically, women are a bunch of cunts. To summarize, women are cunts. 41 00:02:03,691 --> 00:02:05,057 Cunts. To summarize, women are cunts. See, and i don't know if women 42 00:02:05,059 --> 00:02:06,258 To summarize, women are cunts. See, and i don't know if women even know that drinks cost 43 00:02:06,260 --> 00:02:08,327 See, and i don't know if women even know that drinks cost money, you know? 44 00:02:08,329 --> 00:02:09,061 Even know that drinks cost money, you know? Ugly chicks know. 45 00:02:09,062 --> 00:02:10,095 Money, you know? Ugly chicks know. If you know that drinks cost 46 00:02:10,097 --> 00:02:11,196 Ugly chicks know. If you know that drinks cost money, you're a fucking ugly 47 00:02:11,198 --> 00:02:13,165 If you know that drinks cost money, you're a fucking ugly bitch, but otherwise, you're a 48 00:02:13,167 --> 00:02:14,500 Money, you're a fucking ugly bitch, but otherwise, you're a good-Looking girl. 49 00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:16,168 Bitch, but otherwise, you're a good-Looking girl. Good luck to you. 50 00:02:16,170 --> 00:02:17,703 Good-Looking girl. Good luck to you. See, my birthday's on 51 00:02:17,705 --> 00:02:19,738 Good luck to you. See, my birthday's on valentine's day, so even on my 52 00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:21,907 See, my birthday's on valentine's day, so even on my fucking birthday i'm buying some 53 00:02:21,909 --> 00:02:24,176 Valentine's day, so even on my fucking birthday i'm buying some bitch dinner. 54 00:02:24,178 --> 00:02:25,811 Fucking birthday i'm buying some bitch dinner. If i meet a nice girl and i'm in 55 00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:27,513 Bitch dinner. If i meet a nice girl and i'm in a restaurant and the check comes 56 00:02:27,515 --> 00:02:28,814 If i meet a nice girl and i'm in a restaurant and the check comes and i put the credit card 57 00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:30,482 A restaurant and the check comes and i put the credit card down -- And she's a nice girl -- 58 00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:31,817 And i put the credit card down -- And she's a nice girl -- She'll do the purse grab. 59 00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:33,785 Down -- And she's a nice girl -- She'll do the purse grab. And if i go, "no, no, no, it's 60 00:02:33,787 --> 00:02:35,821 She'll do the purse grab. And if i go, "no, no, no, it's okay," she's very quick to give 61 00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:37,623 And if i go, "no, no, no, it's okay," she's very quick to give up on that argument. 62 00:02:37,625 --> 00:02:39,825 Okay," she's very quick to give up on that argument. Other arguments, she can keep 63 00:02:39,827 --> 00:02:42,027 Up on that argument. Other arguments, she can keep going for fucking years, but 64 00:02:42,029 --> 00:02:44,396 Other arguments, she can keep going for fucking years, but that one she's ever so gracious 65 00:02:44,398 --> 00:02:45,898 Going for fucking years, but that one she's ever so gracious about. 66 00:02:45,900 --> 00:02:47,366 That one she's ever so gracious about. This is why i think i'd like 67 00:02:47,368 --> 00:02:49,735 About. This is why i think i'd like to be gay. 68 00:02:49,737 --> 00:02:51,370 This is why i think i'd like to be gay. I think gay would be a good move 69 00:02:51,372 --> 00:02:51,904 To be gay. I think gay would be a good move for me. 70 00:02:51,906 --> 00:02:53,205 I think gay would be a good move for me. I wouldn't enjoy the sex. 71 00:02:53,207 --> 00:02:54,840 For me. I wouldn't enjoy the sex. I'd have to get through the sex. 72 00:02:54,842 --> 00:02:56,742 I wouldn't enjoy the sex. I'd have to get through the sex. I would have a cock in my mouth, 73 00:02:56,744 --> 00:02:58,477 I'd have to get through the sex. I would have a cock in my mouth, with tears streaming down my 74 00:02:58,479 --> 00:02:59,044 I would have a cock in my mouth, with tears streaming down my face. 75 00:02:59,046 --> 00:03:00,946 With tears streaming down my face. And as the jizz hit the back of 76 00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:02,915 Face. And as the jizz hit the back of my throat, i'd be thinking of my 77 00:03:02,917 --> 00:03:04,650 And as the jizz hit the back of my throat, i'd be thinking of my happy place, but it'd be 78 00:03:04,652 --> 00:03:06,585 My throat, i'd be thinking of my happy place, but it'd be worthwhile just so i could split 79 00:03:06,587 --> 00:03:09,454 Happy place, but it'd be worthwhile just so i could split the occasional bill. 80 00:03:09,456 --> 00:03:13,025 Worthwhile just so i could split the occasional bill. [ Cheers and applause ] 81 00:03:13,027 --> 00:03:15,294 The occasional bill. [ Cheers and applause ] that's why gay guys are happy, 82 00:03:15,296 --> 00:03:17,362 [ Cheers and applause ] that's why gay guys are happy, and that's why lesbians are 83 00:03:17,364 --> 00:03:19,464 That's why gay guys are happy, and that's why lesbians are fucking miserable. 84 00:03:19,466 --> 00:03:21,033 And that's why lesbians are fucking miserable. Lesbians are fucking miserable 85 00:03:21,035 --> 00:03:22,634 Fucking miserable. Lesbians are fucking miserable people 'cause they have to hang 86 00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:23,902 Lesbians are fucking miserable people 'cause they have to hang out with women all day. 87 00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:25,370 People 'cause they have to hang out with women all day. It must be fucking horrible. 88 00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:26,972 Out with women all day. It must be fucking horrible. They must just be sitting there 89 00:03:26,974 --> 00:03:28,640 It must be fucking horrible. They must just be sitting there at dinner, going, "i'm not gonna 90 00:03:28,642 --> 00:03:30,609 They must just be sitting there at dinner, going, "i'm not gonna pay for this bitch. 91 00:03:30,611 --> 00:03:32,277 At dinner, going, "i'm not gonna pay for this bitch. I've just worn my best plaid 92 00:03:32,279 --> 00:03:33,779 Pay for this bitch. I've just worn my best plaid shirt and shaved my head. 93 00:03:33,781 --> 00:03:35,314 I've just worn my best plaid shirt and shaved my head. She better treat me like a 94 00:03:35,316 --> 00:03:40,819 Shirt and shaved my head. She better treat me like a princess." 95 00:03:40,821 --> 00:03:42,387 She better treat me like a princess." Now, if there's any lesbians in 96 00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:43,956 Princess." Now, if there's any lesbians in the room -- And i assume there's 97 00:03:43,958 --> 00:03:45,524 Now, if there's any lesbians in the room -- And i assume there's not, because laughter's not your 98 00:03:45,526 --> 00:03:49,261 The room -- And i assume there's not, because laughter's not your thing -- But if there is, i'd 99 00:03:49,263 --> 00:03:51,129 Not, because laughter's not your thing -- But if there is, i'd like to apologize for that last 100 00:03:51,131 --> 00:03:51,863 Thing -- But if there is, i'd like to apologize for that last joke. 101 00:03:51,865 --> 00:03:54,533 Like to apologize for that last joke. But if you hate men so much, 102 00:03:54,535 --> 00:03:57,603 Joke. But if you hate men so much, stop trying to look like them. 103 00:03:57,605 --> 00:03:59,371 But if you hate men so much, stop trying to look like them. You never see a jew dressed as 104 00:03:59,373 --> 00:04:01,873 Stop trying to look like them. You never see a jew dressed as a nazi. 105 00:04:01,875 --> 00:04:04,042 You never see a jew dressed as a nazi. [ Cheers and applause ] 106 00:04:04,044 --> 00:04:14,253 See, i did that joke in america. I said lesbians have no sense of humor and they're not fun or 107 00:04:14,255 --> 00:04:14,953 I said lesbians have no sense of humor and they're not fun or whatever. 108 00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:16,721 Humor and they're not fun or whatever. And these two lesbians stood up 109 00:04:16,724 --> 00:04:18,457 Whatever. And these two lesbians stood up and stormed out of the room as 110 00:04:18,459 --> 00:04:21,627 And these two lesbians stood up and stormed out of the room as if to prove my point. 111 00:04:21,629 --> 00:04:24,296 And stormed out of the room as if to prove my point. They're just not fun people. 112 00:04:24,298 --> 00:04:26,031 If to prove my point. They're just not fun people. Gay guys are fun. 113 00:04:26,033 --> 00:04:27,766 They're just not fun people. Gay guys are fun. I don't care how homophobic you 114 00:04:27,768 --> 00:04:28,166 Gay guys are fun. I don't care how homophobic you are. 115 00:04:28,168 --> 00:04:29,935 I don't care how homophobic you are. If you're holding a dinner party 116 00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:31,670 Are. If you're holding a dinner party and a gay guy shows up, you get 117 00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:33,438 If you're holding a dinner party and a gay guy shows up, you get a little bit excited, don't you? 118 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,107 And a gay guy shows up, you get a little bit excited, don't you? You're like, "oh, fucking a 119 00:04:35,109 --> 00:04:35,807 A little bit excited, don't you? You're like, "oh, fucking a gay guy. 120 00:04:35,809 --> 00:04:37,676 You're like, "oh, fucking a gay guy. Oh, strap yourself in, love, eh? 121 00:04:37,678 --> 00:04:39,244 Gay guy. Oh, strap yourself in, love, eh? We got a live one." 122 00:04:39,246 --> 00:04:39,611 Oh, strap yourself in, love, eh? We got a live one." Right? 123 00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,813 We got a live one." Right? But if you're holding a dinner 124 00:04:41,815 --> 00:04:43,982 Right? But if you're holding a dinner party and a lesbian shows up, 125 00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:47,319 But if you're holding a dinner party and a lesbian shows up, you're just like, "aw, fuck me. 126 00:04:47,321 --> 00:04:49,554 Party and a lesbian shows up, you're just like, "aw, fuck me. All i wanted to do was relax and 127 00:04:49,556 --> 00:04:52,424 You're just like, "aw, fuck me. All i wanted to do was relax and play pictionary. 128 00:04:52,426 --> 00:04:54,059 All i wanted to do was relax and play pictionary. She's drawing something 129 00:04:54,061 --> 00:04:57,396 Play pictionary. She's drawing something political." 130 00:04:57,398 --> 00:04:59,464 She's drawing something political." [ Chuckles ] 131 00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:01,466 Political." [ Chuckles ] you can't even point lesbians 132 00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:03,335 [ Chuckles ] you can't even point lesbians out, and they're so fucking 133 00:05:03,337 --> 00:05:04,102 You can't even point lesbians out, and they're so fucking obvious. 134 00:05:04,104 --> 00:05:06,204 Out, and they're so fucking obvious. They're so obvi-- But you can't 135 00:05:06,206 --> 00:05:07,372 Obvious. They're so obvi-- But you can't point them out. 136 00:05:07,374 --> 00:05:10,142 They're so obvi-- But you can't point them out. If you saw, like, fucking -- 137 00:05:10,144 --> 00:05:11,543 Point them out. If you saw, like, fucking -- If i see like two lesbians in 138 00:05:11,545 --> 00:05:13,045 If you saw, like, fucking -- If i see like two lesbians in the audience and go, "excuse me, 139 00:05:13,047 --> 00:05:14,413 If i see like two lesbians in the audience and go, "excuse me, are you lesbians?" They'll be 140 00:05:14,415 --> 00:05:15,113 The audience and go, "excuse me, are you lesbians?" They'll be like, "what? 141 00:05:15,115 --> 00:05:16,114 Are you lesbians?" They'll be like, "what? What the fuck? What? 142 00:05:16,116 --> 00:05:17,382 Like, "what? What the fuck? What? What do you mean by that?" 143 00:05:17,384 --> 00:05:18,250 What the fuck? What? What do you mean by that?" Right? 144 00:05:18,252 --> 00:05:19,551 What do you mean by that?" Right? But if i see two gay guys in the 145 00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:20,752 Right? But if i see two gay guys in the audience and go, "excuse me -- 146 00:05:20,754 --> 00:05:21,953 But if i see two gay guys in the audience and go, "excuse me -- Are you gay guys?" They'll go 147 00:05:21,955 --> 00:05:22,954 Audience and go, "excuse me -- Are you gay guys?" They'll go [ singsong voice ] "guilty!" 148 00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:25,424 Are you gay guys?" They'll go [ singsong voice ] "guilty!" [ Normal voice ] 'cause gay guys 149 00:05:25,426 --> 00:05:27,359 [ Singsong voice ] "guilty!" [ Normal voice ] 'cause gay guys fucking love being gay. 150 00:05:27,361 --> 00:05:29,227 [ Normal voice ] 'cause gay guys fucking love being gay. The word "gay" comes from 151 00:05:29,229 --> 00:05:30,028 Fucking love being gay. The word "gay" comes from "happy." 152 00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:32,331 The word "gay" comes from "happy." They like fucking men in the ass 153 00:05:32,333 --> 00:05:34,633 "Happy." They like fucking men in the ass so much, they've called it 154 00:05:34,635 --> 00:05:35,567 They like fucking men in the ass so much, they've called it "happy." 155 00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:38,770 So much, they've called it "happy." I-I have been a heterosexual my 156 00:05:38,772 --> 00:05:39,638 "Happy." I-I have been a heterosexual my whole life. 157 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:41,573 I-I have been a heterosexual my whole life. I would not call the experience 158 00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:42,274 Whole life. I would not call the experience "happy." 159 00:05:42,276 --> 00:05:44,142 I would not call the experience "happy." I would call it a struggle, at 160 00:05:44,144 --> 00:05:48,347 "Happy." I would call it a struggle, at best. 161 00:05:48,349 --> 00:05:50,449 I would call it a struggle, at best. I'll tell you another reason why 162 00:05:50,451 --> 00:05:52,351 Best. I'll tell you another reason why it must be awesome to be a gay 163 00:05:52,353 --> 00:05:52,884 I'll tell you another reason why it must be awesome to be a gay guy. 164 00:05:52,886 --> 00:05:54,886 It must be awesome to be a gay guy. It must be wonderful to be in a 165 00:05:54,888 --> 00:05:56,755 Guy. It must be wonderful to be in a relationship where, if you're 166 00:05:56,757 --> 00:05:58,757 It must be wonderful to be in a relationship where, if you're partner's being a dickhead, you 167 00:05:58,759 --> 00:06:03,729 Relationship where, if you're partner's being a dickhead, you can punch him in the head. 168 00:06:03,731 --> 00:06:05,364 Partner's being a dickhead, you can punch him in the head. Hasn't that got to give your 169 00:06:05,366 --> 00:06:06,798 Can punch him in the head. Hasn't that got to give your relationship a whole new 170 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:07,532 Hasn't that got to give your relationship a whole new dimension? 171 00:06:07,534 --> 00:06:09,267 Relationship a whole new dimension? I can't tell you the amount of 172 00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:10,969 Dimension? I can't tell you the amount of arguments i've had with women 173 00:06:10,971 --> 00:06:12,738 I can't tell you the amount of arguments i've had with women that could have been sorted out 174 00:06:12,740 --> 00:06:16,541 Arguments i've had with women that could have been sorted out quicker with a punch. 175 00:06:16,543 --> 00:06:20,746 That could have been sorted out quicker with a punch. And while we're on the subject 176 00:06:20,748 --> 00:06:24,449 Quicker with a punch. And while we're on the subject of domestic violence -- 177 00:06:24,451 --> 00:06:25,984 And while we're on the subject of domestic violence -- It's a horrible thing. 178 00:06:25,986 --> 00:06:28,186 Of domestic violence -- It's a horrible thing. Of course it is, and... 179 00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:32,824 It's a horrible thing. Of course it is, and... now, you ever met a woman who's, 180 00:06:32,826 --> 00:06:34,192 Of course it is, and... now, you ever met a woman who's, like, been married like four 181 00:06:34,194 --> 00:06:35,727 Now, you ever met a woman who's, like, been married like four times and she's like, "i guess i 182 00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:37,162 Like, been married like four times and she's like, "i guess i just choose the wrong type of 183 00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:37,562 Times and she's like, "i guess i just choose the wrong type of men"? 184 00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:39,531 Just choose the wrong type of men"? "I've been married four times, 185 00:06:39,533 --> 00:06:41,433 Men"? "I've been married four times, and all my husbands beat me." 186 00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:43,368 "I've been married four times, and all my husbands beat me." And you're like, "all of them? 187 00:06:43,370 --> 00:06:44,169 And all my husbands beat me." And you're like, "all of them? All four? 188 00:06:44,171 --> 00:06:46,571 And you're like, "all of them? All four? One, two, three, fucking four? 189 00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:48,106 All four? One, two, three, fucking four? They all beat you? 190 00:06:48,108 --> 00:06:49,274 One, two, three, fucking four? They all beat you? Someone doesn't know when to 191 00:06:49,276 --> 00:06:52,177 They all beat you? Someone doesn't know when to shut the fuck up, now, do they?" 192 00:06:52,179 --> 00:06:56,014 Someone doesn't know when to shut the fuck up, now, do they?" 'Cause i'm a tolerant man. 193 00:06:56,016 --> 00:06:58,016 Shut the fuck up, now, do they?" 'Cause i'm a tolerant man. I'll give anyone three, but 194 00:06:58,018 --> 00:07:00,385 'Cause i'm a tolerant man. I'll give anyone three, but four? 195 00:07:00,387 --> 00:07:02,187 I'll give anyone three, but four? You're a fucking button-Pusher. 196 00:07:02,189 --> 00:07:05,123 Four? You're a fucking button-Pusher. Come on. 197 00:07:05,125 --> 00:07:07,459 You're a fucking button-Pusher. Come on. That's a nice, cheery way to 198 00:07:07,461 --> 00:07:13,198 Come on. That's a nice, cheery way to start the show. 199 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:14,766 That's a nice, cheery way to start the show. I do a lot of gigs -- Well, not 200 00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:16,201 Start the show. I do a lot of gigs -- Well, not a lot -- I do some gigs out in 201 00:07:16,203 --> 00:07:17,736 I do a lot of gigs -- Well, not a lot -- I do some gigs out in iraq and afghanistan and stuff 202 00:07:17,738 --> 00:07:19,304 A lot -- I do some gigs out in iraq and afghanistan and stuff like that, which, if i was in an 203 00:07:19,306 --> 00:07:20,839 Iraq and afghanistan and stuff like that, which, if i was in an american crowd right now, they'd 204 00:07:20,841 --> 00:07:22,574 Like that, which, if i was in an american crowd right now, they'd go, "whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah!" 205 00:07:22,576 --> 00:07:24,009 American crowd right now, they'd go, "whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah!" But i'm not, so i can be honest 206 00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:24,543 Go, "whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah!" But i'm not, so i can be honest with you. 207 00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:25,410 But i'm not, so i can be honest with you. I do it for money. 208 00:07:25,412 --> 00:07:30,315 With you. I do it for money. Um, the first time -- 209 00:07:30,317 --> 00:07:32,918 I do it for money. Um, the first time -- Over there it's like i'm king. 210 00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:34,686 Um, the first time -- Over there it's like i'm king. The first time i go do a gig in 211 00:07:34,688 --> 00:07:36,488 Over there it's like i'm king. The first time i go do a gig in iraq, they fly me and my manager 212 00:07:36,490 --> 00:07:37,923 The first time i go do a gig in iraq, they fly me and my manager in a passenger plane into 213 00:07:37,925 --> 00:07:38,490 Iraq, they fly me and my manager in a passenger plane into kuwait. 214 00:07:38,492 --> 00:07:40,692 In a passenger plane into kuwait. Now, it turns out that kuwait is 215 00:07:40,694 --> 00:07:42,761 Kuwait. Now, it turns out that kuwait is a regular country that anyone 216 00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:45,464 Now, it turns out that kuwait is a regular country that anyone can visit. 217 00:07:45,466 --> 00:07:47,499 A regular country that anyone can visit. Then a military truck gets me 218 00:07:47,501 --> 00:07:49,501 Can visit. Then a military truck gets me and my manager and drives us 219 00:07:49,503 --> 00:07:51,703 Then a military truck gets me and my manager and drives us over the border into iraq and 220 00:07:51,705 --> 00:07:52,771 And my manager and drives us over the border into iraq and drops us off. 221 00:07:52,773 --> 00:07:54,306 Over the border into iraq and drops us off. And we're standing in the middle 222 00:07:54,308 --> 00:07:55,574 Drops us off. And we're standing in the middle of the desert of a war-Torn 223 00:07:55,576 --> 00:07:56,107 And we're standing in the middle of the desert of a war-Torn country. 224 00:07:56,109 --> 00:07:57,409 Of the desert of a war-Torn country. We can't see anything on the 225 00:07:57,411 --> 00:07:57,943 Country. We can't see anything on the horizon. 226 00:07:57,945 --> 00:07:59,411 We can't see anything on the horizon. And i turn to my manager and go, 227 00:07:59,413 --> 00:08:04,282 Horizon. And i turn to my manager and go, "good booking, fuckface." 228 00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:06,218 And i turn to my manager and go, "good booking, fuckface." And then this helicopter comes 229 00:08:06,220 --> 00:08:08,253 "Good booking, fuckface." And then this helicopter comes in over the horizon and lands in 230 00:08:08,255 --> 00:08:10,222 And then this helicopter comes in over the horizon and lands in front of us, and the blades are 231 00:08:10,224 --> 00:08:11,156 In over the horizon and lands in front of us, and the blades are still going. 232 00:08:11,158 --> 00:08:13,024 Front of us, and the blades are still going. And this soldier runs off and 233 00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:14,259 Still going. And this soldier runs off and goes, "excuse me! 234 00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:15,794 And this soldier runs off and goes, "excuse me! Are you jim jefferies?" 235 00:08:15,796 --> 00:08:17,429 Goes, "excuse me! Are you jim jefferies?" And i went, "what other white 236 00:08:17,431 --> 00:08:19,197 Are you jim jefferies?" And i went, "what other white cunt were you looking for in the 237 00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:25,136 And i went, "what other white cunt were you looking for in the desert at this exact location?" 238 00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:26,805 Cunt were you looking for in the desert at this exact location?" Then he hands me my bulletproof 239 00:08:26,807 --> 00:08:27,906 Desert at this exact location?" Then he hands me my bulletproof vest and my helmet. 240 00:08:27,908 --> 00:08:29,341 Then he hands me my bulletproof vest and my helmet. He's obviously wearing his 241 00:08:29,343 --> 00:08:31,042 Vest and my helmet. He's obviously wearing his bulletproof vest and his helmet. 242 00:08:31,044 --> 00:08:32,844 He's obviously wearing his bulletproof vest and his helmet. His are camouflaged. 243 00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:35,614 Bulletproof vest and his helmet. His are camouflaged. Mine? 244 00:08:35,616 --> 00:08:38,250 His are camouflaged. Mine? Fucking blue. 245 00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:39,551 Mine? Fucking blue. And i said, "why do i have a 246 00:08:39,553 --> 00:08:40,619 Fucking blue. And i said, "why do i have a blue vest and helmet?" 247 00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:41,953 And i said, "why do i have a blue vest and helmet?" He said, "that's so the enemy 248 00:08:41,955 --> 00:08:43,121 Blue vest and helmet?" He said, "that's so the enemy know you're a civilian." 249 00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:44,489 He said, "that's so the enemy know you're a civilian." I'm like, "does the enemy give 250 00:08:44,491 --> 00:08:46,258 Know you're a civilian." I'm like, "does the enemy give a shit? 251 00:08:46,260 --> 00:08:47,893 I'm like, "does the enemy give a shit? That's my main concern, because 252 00:08:47,895 --> 00:08:49,327 A shit? That's my main concern, because i've never been a sniper." 253 00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:50,829 That's my main concern, because i've never been a sniper." But every time i got off the 254 00:08:50,831 --> 00:08:52,497 I've never been a sniper." But every time i got off the helicopter, i was surrounded by 255 00:08:52,499 --> 00:08:53,798 But every time i got off the helicopter, i was surrounded by soldiers protecting me. 256 00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:55,467 Helicopter, i was surrounded by soldiers protecting me. If i was a sniper, i'd be like, 257 00:08:55,469 --> 00:08:56,768 Soldiers protecting me. If i was a sniper, i'd be like, "the cunt in blue looks 258 00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:57,502 If i was a sniper, i'd be like, "the cunt in blue looks important." 259 00:08:57,504 --> 00:08:57,969 "The cunt in blue looks important." Right? 260 00:08:57,971 --> 00:09:02,240 Important." Right? So...we got in this helicopter. 261 00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:04,543 Right? So...we got in this helicopter. [ Laughs ] 262 00:09:04,545 --> 00:09:06,011 So...we got in this helicopter. [ Laughs ] and we're sitting in this 263 00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:06,645 [ Laughs ] and we're sitting in this chopper. 264 00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:08,346 And we're sitting in this chopper. That's what we call them in the 265 00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:09,414 Chopper. That's what we call them in the biz -- "Chopper." 266 00:09:09,416 --> 00:09:10,315 That's what we call them in the biz -- "Chopper." And i'm sitting here. 267 00:09:10,317 --> 00:09:11,516 Biz -- "Chopper." And i'm sitting here. And i got two soldiers sitting 268 00:09:11,518 --> 00:09:12,651 And i'm sitting here. And i got two soldiers sitting next to me there, my manager, 269 00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:13,552 And i got two soldiers sitting next to me there, my manager, brett, sitting there. 270 00:09:13,554 --> 00:09:14,619 Next to me there, my manager, brett, sitting there. He's got two soldiers sitting 271 00:09:14,621 --> 00:09:15,186 Brett, sitting there. He's got two soldiers sitting next to him. 272 00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:16,187 He's got two soldiers sitting next to him. There's two soldiers in the 273 00:09:16,189 --> 00:09:16,755 Next to him. There's two soldiers in the cockpit. 274 00:09:16,757 --> 00:09:18,290 There's two soldiers in the cockpit. There's a great big door open 275 00:09:18,292 --> 00:09:19,791 Cockpit. There's a great big door open next to me there, and there's 276 00:09:19,793 --> 00:09:21,393 There's a great big door open next to me there, and there's another door open there, and at 277 00:09:21,395 --> 00:09:22,894 Next to me there, and there's another door open there, and at that door is a soldier with a 278 00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:25,797 Another door open there, and at that door is a soldier with a great big gun on a hinge, with 279 00:09:25,799 --> 00:09:27,198 That door is a soldier with a great big gun on a hinge, with bullets coming out of it like 280 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:28,700 Great big gun on a hinge, with bullets coming out of it like that thing that chewbacca wears. 281 00:09:28,702 --> 00:09:32,837 Bullets coming out of it like that thing that chewbacca wears. And we take off, and off we go 282 00:09:32,839 --> 00:09:33,738 That thing that chewbacca wears. And we take off, and off we go to baghdad. 283 00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:35,707 And we take off, and off we go to baghdad. And as we hit the border of the 284 00:09:35,709 --> 00:09:37,776 To baghdad. And as we hit the border of the city, i hear a great big "bang!" 285 00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:39,444 And as we hit the border of the city, i hear a great big "bang!" And these two small flares shoot 286 00:09:39,446 --> 00:09:41,046 City, i hear a great big "bang!" And these two small flares shoot out from the small wings of the 287 00:09:41,048 --> 00:09:42,647 And these two small flares shoot out from the small wings of the helicopter, followed by a trail 288 00:09:42,649 --> 00:09:43,281 Out from the small wings of the helicopter, followed by a trail of smoke. 289 00:09:43,283 --> 00:09:44,516 Helicopter, followed by a trail of smoke. And the helicopter goes, 290 00:09:44,518 --> 00:09:46,985 Of smoke. And the helicopter goes, "fwwhhh! Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh!" 291 00:09:46,987 --> 00:09:48,453 And the helicopter goes, "fwwhhh! Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh!" Now, the reason they do this is, 292 00:09:48,455 --> 00:09:49,788 "Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh!" Now, the reason they do this is, when they get over the danger 293 00:09:49,790 --> 00:09:51,222 Now, the reason they do this is, when they get over the danger area, if there's a heat-Seeking 294 00:09:51,224 --> 00:09:52,657 When they get over the danger area, if there's a heat-Seeking missile, it'll be distracted by 295 00:09:52,659 --> 00:09:53,758 Area, if there's a heat-Seeking missile, it'll be distracted by the flares, and then the 296 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,026 Missile, it'll be distracted by the flares, and then the helicopter will fly out of 297 00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:56,861 The flares, and then the helicopter will fly out of range -- Very clever. 298 00:09:56,863 --> 00:09:59,197 Helicopter will fly out of range -- Very clever. Now... 299 00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:02,834 Range -- Very clever. Now... they never told me this was 300 00:10:02,836 --> 00:10:03,335 Now... they never told me this was happening. 301 00:10:03,337 --> 00:10:05,070 They never told me this was happening. As far as i'm concerned, the 302 00:10:05,072 --> 00:10:08,406 Happening. As far as i'm concerned, the wings have just exploded and 303 00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:09,975 As far as i'm concerned, the wings have just exploded and we're now plummeting to our 304 00:10:09,977 --> 00:10:12,210 Wings have just exploded and we're now plummeting to our death, but it's nice to know how 305 00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:14,179 We're now plummeting to our death, but it's nice to know how you react under pressure, 306 00:10:14,181 --> 00:10:16,448 Death, but it's nice to know how you react under pressure, because i reacted thusly -- By 307 00:10:16,450 --> 00:10:18,383 You react under pressure, because i reacted thusly -- By vomiting over my lovely blue 308 00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:20,552 Because i reacted thusly -- By vomiting over my lovely blue vest, ironically making it more 309 00:10:20,554 --> 00:10:24,322 Vomiting over my lovely blue vest, ironically making it more camouflage than it was before, 310 00:10:24,324 --> 00:10:25,991 Vest, ironically making it more camouflage than it was before, and yelling out, "we're going 311 00:10:25,993 --> 00:10:27,792 Camouflage than it was before, and yelling out, "we're going down!" 312 00:10:27,794 --> 00:10:29,661 And yelling out, "we're going down!" The two pilots, the sergeants, 313 00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:31,429 Down!" The two pilots, the sergeants, the gunner -- They all start 314 00:10:31,431 --> 00:10:33,231 The two pilots, the sergeants, the gunner -- They all start pissing themselves, laughing. 315 00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:34,833 The gunner -- They all start pissing themselves, laughing. They're reaching through. 316 00:10:34,835 --> 00:10:36,768 Pissing themselves, laughing. They're reaching through. They're high-Fiving each other. 317 00:10:36,770 --> 00:10:38,136 They're reaching through. They're high-Fiving each other. They're tearing it down. 318 00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:39,738 They're high-Fiving each other. They're tearing it down. They've been waiting for this 319 00:10:39,740 --> 00:10:40,739 They're tearing it down. They've been waiting for this joke for months. 320 00:10:40,741 --> 00:10:42,374 They've been waiting for this joke for months. I'm cleaning vomit off myself, 321 00:10:42,376 --> 00:10:44,009 Joke for months. I'm cleaning vomit off myself, going, "oh, you, that was a good 322 00:10:44,011 --> 00:10:44,476 I'm cleaning vomit off myself, going, "oh, you, that was a good one. 323 00:10:44,478 --> 00:10:45,877 Going, "oh, you, that was a good one. Thank you for defending my 324 00:10:45,879 --> 00:10:46,511 One. Thank you for defending my freedom." 325 00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:49,881 Thank you for defending my freedom." Right? 326 00:10:49,883 --> 00:10:51,516 Freedom." Right? So, i sit back down, covered in 327 00:10:51,518 --> 00:10:52,884 Right? So, i sit back down, covered in vomit in the helicopter -- 328 00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:53,385 So, i sit back down, covered in vomit in the helicopter -- "Ugh." 329 00:10:53,387 --> 00:10:54,919 Vomit in the helicopter -- "Ugh." And so i'm trying to look out 330 00:10:54,921 --> 00:10:56,388 "Ugh." And so i'm trying to look out the door to try to un-Quease 331 00:10:56,390 --> 00:10:56,955 And so i'm trying to look out the door to try to un-Quease myself. 332 00:10:56,957 --> 00:10:58,423 The door to try to un-Quease myself. And i'm looking out over the 333 00:10:58,425 --> 00:11:00,025 Myself. And i'm looking out over the ground, over baghdad -- By the 334 00:11:00,027 --> 00:11:01,526 And i'm looking out over the ground, over baghdad -- By the way, baghdad, beautiful city, 335 00:11:01,528 --> 00:11:06,031 Ground, over baghdad -- By the way, baghdad, beautiful city, untouched -- And i look out on 336 00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:07,932 Way, baghdad, beautiful city, untouched -- And i look out on the ground, and i see a little 337 00:11:07,934 --> 00:11:09,701 Untouched -- And i look out on the ground, and i see a little arab fellow with a handgun 338 00:11:09,703 --> 00:11:11,636 The ground, and i see a little arab fellow with a handgun shooting up at the helicopter, 339 00:11:11,638 --> 00:11:13,371 Arab fellow with a handgun shooting up at the helicopter, just -- [ Imitates gunshots ] 340 00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:14,806 Shooting up at the helicopter, just -- [ Imitates gunshots ] once again, i freak out. 341 00:11:14,808 --> 00:11:17,676 Just -- [ Imitates gunshots ] once again, i freak out. "We're being fired on!" 342 00:11:17,678 --> 00:11:19,210 Once again, i freak out. "We're being fired on!" The gunner now is laughing so 343 00:11:19,212 --> 00:11:20,011 "We're being fired on!" The gunner now is laughing so fucking hard. 344 00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:21,546 The gunner now is laughing so fucking hard. He's laughing even harder than 345 00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:22,447 Fucking hard. He's laughing even harder than he was before. 346 00:11:22,449 --> 00:11:23,848 He's laughing even harder than he was before. He's laughing so hard, he's 347 00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:24,649 He was before. He's laughing so hard, he's keeled over. 348 00:11:24,651 --> 00:11:26,217 He's laughing so hard, he's keeled over. The gun's just dangling out in 349 00:11:26,219 --> 00:11:27,819 Keeled over. The gun's just dangling out in the hinge. 350 00:11:27,821 --> 00:11:29,454 The gun's just dangling out in the hinge. And i'm like, "what's your 351 00:11:29,456 --> 00:11:30,855 The hinge. And i'm like, "what's your fucking problem, man?" 352 00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:32,490 And i'm like, "what's your fucking problem, man?" And he's like, "jim, you're 353 00:11:32,492 --> 00:11:34,359 Fucking problem, man?" And he's like, "jim, you're gonna have to calm down, mate. 354 00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:36,594 And he's like, "jim, you're gonna have to calm down, mate. We're in a military helicopter 355 00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:38,596 Gonna have to calm down, mate. We're in a military helicopter with a bulletproof bottom. 356 00:11:38,598 --> 00:11:41,499 We're in a military helicopter with a bulletproof bottom. That's a handgun. 357 00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:42,600 With a bulletproof bottom. That's a handgun. We're so high up, the bullets 358 00:11:42,602 --> 00:11:43,401 That's a handgun. We're so high up, the bullets can't even reach us. 359 00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:44,302 We're so high up, the bullets can't even reach us. They just sort of go -- 360 00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:46,771 Can't even reach us. They just sort of go -- [ Whistles ]" 361 00:11:46,773 --> 00:11:48,206 They just sort of go -- [ Whistles ]" and then i jokingly said, 362 00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:49,841 [ Whistles ]" and then i jokingly said, "[ chuckles ] i bet our bullets 363 00:11:49,843 --> 00:11:50,775 And then i jokingly said, "[ chuckles ] i bet our bullets can reach him." 364 00:11:50,777 --> 00:11:52,143 "[ Chuckles ] i bet our bullets can reach him." And he went, "oh, yeah." 365 00:11:52,145 --> 00:11:54,412 Can reach him." And he went, "oh, yeah." [ Imitates gunfire ] 366 00:11:54,414 --> 00:12:17,435 And the little cunt died. And -- And i was like, "[ sighs ] 367 00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:20,238 And -- And i was like, "[ sighs ] i was just saying, mate. 368 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,707 "[ Sighs ] i was just saying, mate. I was just saying. 369 00:12:22,709 --> 00:12:24,142 I was just saying, mate. I was just saying. I didn't want to ruin anyone's 370 00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:25,944 I was just saying. I didn't want to ruin anyone's day." 371 00:12:25,946 --> 00:12:27,412 I didn't want to ruin anyone's day." [ Laughs ] 372 00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:28,980 Day." [ Laughs ] isn't that a fun story about a 373 00:12:28,982 --> 00:12:32,584 [ Laughs ] isn't that a fun story about a man dying? 374 00:12:32,586 --> 00:12:33,885 Isn't that a fun story about a man dying? It's funny, though. 375 00:12:33,887 --> 00:12:37,889 Man dying? It's funny, though. My limited time in a war zone, 376 00:12:37,891 --> 00:12:39,524 It's funny, though. My limited time in a war zone, i really, you know, didn't see 377 00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:40,959 My limited time in a war zone, i really, you know, didn't see what all the bad stuff was. 378 00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:43,628 I really, you know, didn't see what all the bad stuff was. They were very nice to me. 379 00:12:43,630 --> 00:12:45,130 What all the bad stuff was. They were very nice to me. But this was kind of crazy to 380 00:12:45,132 --> 00:12:46,331 They were very nice to me. But this was kind of crazy to me 'cause i don't know, 381 00:12:46,333 --> 00:12:47,799 But this was kind of crazy to me 'cause i don't know, historically, how we're gonna 382 00:12:47,801 --> 00:12:48,600 Me 'cause i don't know, historically, how we're gonna talk about it. 383 00:12:48,602 --> 00:12:50,702 Historically, how we're gonna talk about it. See, like, my grandfather -- 384 00:12:50,704 --> 00:12:52,771 Talk about it. See, like, my grandfather -- He fought during the second 385 00:12:52,773 --> 00:12:55,140 See, like, my grandfather -- He fought during the second world war, for the japs, weirdly 386 00:12:55,142 --> 00:12:56,908 He fought during the second world war, for the japs, weirdly enough. 387 00:12:56,910 --> 00:12:58,443 World war, for the japs, weirdly enough. No, no, for the australians. 388 00:12:58,445 --> 00:12:59,711 Enough. No, no, for the australians. He killed a lot of japanese -- 389 00:12:59,713 --> 00:13:01,980 No, no, for the australians. He killed a lot of japanese -- Hated them till he died. 390 00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:03,348 He killed a lot of japanese -- Hated them till he died. "Love the food, hate the 391 00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:05,316 Hated them till he died. "Love the food, hate the people," he used to say. 392 00:13:05,318 --> 00:13:07,085 "Love the food, hate the people," he used to say. What a complex man. 393 00:13:07,087 --> 00:13:10,622 People," he used to say. What a complex man. And... 394 00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:13,191 What a complex man. And... i used to love listening -- When 395 00:13:13,193 --> 00:13:15,059 And... i used to love listening -- When i was a kid, listening to him 396 00:13:15,061 --> 00:13:16,728 I used to love listening -- When i was a kid, listening to him tell stories about killing 397 00:13:16,730 --> 00:13:17,362 I was a kid, listening to him tell stories about killing nazis. 398 00:13:17,364 --> 00:13:19,063 Tell stories about killing nazis. There was always something 399 00:13:19,065 --> 00:13:20,832 Nazis. There was always something exciting about it, you know? 400 00:13:20,834 --> 00:13:22,834 There was always something exciting about it, you know? I just don't know what i would 401 00:13:22,836 --> 00:13:24,736 Exciting about it, you know? I just don't know what i would tell my grandson about what's 402 00:13:24,738 --> 00:13:26,437 I just don't know what i would tell my grandson about what's happening in history now. 403 00:13:26,439 --> 00:13:28,473 Tell my grandson about what's happening in history now. I imagine i'll be 80 years old, 404 00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:30,542 Happening in history now. I imagine i'll be 80 years old, i'll be sitting in my chair, and 405 00:13:30,544 --> 00:13:32,277 I imagine i'll be 80 years old, i'll be sitting in my chair, and my grandson will be on the 406 00:13:32,279 --> 00:13:33,845 I'll be sitting in my chair, and my grandson will be on the floor, looking up at me 407 00:13:33,847 --> 00:13:35,113 My grandson will be on the floor, looking up at me adoringly. 408 00:13:35,115 --> 00:13:40,885 Floor, looking up at me adoringly. And i'll go, "now, there used to 409 00:13:40,887 --> 00:13:45,089 Adoringly. And i'll go, "now, there used to be these people called arabs. 410 00:13:45,091 --> 00:13:46,024 And i'll go, "now, there used to be these people called arabs. And they lived in the 411 00:13:46,026 --> 00:13:48,626 Be these people called arabs. And they lived in the middle east, or, as you call it, 412 00:13:48,628 --> 00:13:53,531 And they lived in the middle east, or, as you call it, the radiation zone. 413 00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:54,933 Middle east, or, as you call it, the radiation zone. In 2020, 414 00:13:54,935 --> 00:13:59,070 The radiation zone. In 2020, president macaulay culkin got 415 00:13:59,072 --> 00:14:00,705 In 2020, president macaulay culkin got really upset with the arabs, and 416 00:14:00,707 --> 00:14:02,440 President macaulay culkin got really upset with the arabs, and he nuked them all. 417 00:14:02,442 --> 00:14:04,309 Really upset with the arabs, and he nuked them all. But what macaulay culkin and the 418 00:14:04,311 --> 00:14:05,944 He nuked them all. But what macaulay culkin and the rest of the americans hadn't 419 00:14:05,946 --> 00:14:07,545 But what macaulay culkin and the rest of the americans hadn't realized was that china had 420 00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:09,180 Rest of the americans hadn't realized was that china had slowly but surely become the 421 00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:10,648 Realized was that china had slowly but surely become the superpower of the world. 422 00:14:10,650 --> 00:14:12,483 Slowly but surely become the superpower of the world. So, while the americans were 423 00:14:12,485 --> 00:14:14,385 Superpower of the world. So, while the americans were nuking the arabs, the chinese 424 00:14:14,387 --> 00:14:16,421 So, while the americans were nuking the arabs, the chinese nuked the americans, and that's 425 00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:18,423 Nuking the arabs, the chinese nuked the americans, and that's why we have no americans and no 426 00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:20,158 Nuked the americans, and that's why we have no americans and no arabs." 427 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:21,492 Why we have no americans and no arabs." And then my grandson will look 428 00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:24,495 Arabs." And then my grandson will look up at me and go... 429 00:14:24,497 --> 00:14:26,764 And then my grandson will look up at me and go... "mashaba awa." 430 00:14:26,766 --> 00:14:39,444 [ Applause ] [ laughs ] you know what i like about that 431 00:14:39,446 --> 00:14:39,944 [ Laughs ] you know what i like about that joke? 432 00:14:39,946 --> 00:14:41,746 You know what i like about that joke? It has the feel of racism, but 433 00:14:41,748 --> 00:14:46,284 Joke? It has the feel of racism, but you can't pick the exact moment. 434 00:14:46,286 --> 00:14:48,253 It has the feel of racism, but you can't pick the exact moment. Like, you know it is. 435 00:14:48,255 --> 00:14:51,956 You can't pick the exact moment. Like, you know it is. It's definitely racist. 436 00:14:51,958 --> 00:14:53,825 Like, you know it is. It's definitely racist. So, let's change the subject 437 00:14:53,827 --> 00:14:56,828 It's definitely racist. So, let's change the subject quickly. 438 00:14:56,830 --> 00:14:58,730 So, let's change the subject quickly. How do blind people wipe their 439 00:14:58,732 --> 00:15:02,100 Quickly. How do blind people wipe their asses? 440 00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:03,701 How do blind people wipe their asses? I know you're thinking, "the 441 00:15:03,703 --> 00:15:05,336 Asses? I know you're thinking, "the same as us," but you're not 442 00:15:05,338 --> 00:15:08,206 I know you're thinking, "the same as us," but you're not thinking outside the box, 'cause 443 00:15:08,208 --> 00:15:10,608 Same as us," but you're not thinking outside the box, 'cause wiping your ass is a very visual 444 00:15:10,610 --> 00:15:12,410 Thinking outside the box, 'cause wiping your ass is a very visual activity. 445 00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:14,479 Wiping your ass is a very visual activity. No one's ever just leant up, 446 00:15:14,481 --> 00:15:16,514 Activity. No one's ever just leant up, wiped, then dropped into the 447 00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:18,716 No one's ever just leant up, wiped, then dropped into the bowl. 448 00:15:18,718 --> 00:15:21,819 Wiped, then dropped into the bowl. You wipe. You check. 449 00:15:21,821 --> 00:15:23,254 Bowl. You wipe. You check. "There's a lot of poo there. 450 00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:26,391 You wipe. You check. "There's a lot of poo there. I'm gonna wipe again. 451 00:15:26,393 --> 00:15:29,994 "There's a lot of poo there. I'm gonna wipe again. There's still a lot of poo. 452 00:15:29,996 --> 00:15:31,729 I'm gonna wipe again. There's still a lot of poo. It feels dry, but there's 453 00:15:31,731 --> 00:15:34,632 There's still a lot of poo. It feels dry, but there's still poo. 454 00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:38,836 It feels dry, but there's still poo. I think i left one up there." 455 00:15:38,838 --> 00:15:40,605 Still poo. I think i left one up there." I bet that's where the dog comes 456 00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:41,339 I think i left one up there." I bet that's where the dog comes in handy. 457 00:15:41,341 --> 00:15:42,507 I bet that's where the dog comes in handy. [ Audience groans ] 458 00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:44,042 In handy. [ Audience groans ] ohh! 459 00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:45,276 [ Audience groans ] ohh! No! 460 00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,879 Ohh! No! No, don't -- 461 00:15:47,881 --> 00:15:49,714 No! No, don't -- I'm not saying the dog licks 462 00:15:49,716 --> 00:15:52,817 No, don't -- I'm not saying the dog licks the blind person's ass! 463 00:15:52,819 --> 00:15:54,185 I'm not saying the dog licks the blind person's ass! I'm saying these are very 464 00:15:54,187 --> 00:15:56,120 The blind person's ass! I'm saying these are very intelligent dogs. 465 00:15:56,122 --> 00:15:57,889 I'm saying these are very intelligent dogs. They would have worked out some 466 00:15:57,891 --> 00:16:01,626 Intelligent dogs. They would have worked out some form of barking system. 467 00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:02,961 They would have worked out some form of barking system. So, the blind guy would have the 468 00:16:02,963 --> 00:16:08,566 Form of barking system. So, the blind guy would have the dog, like, sit in front of him. 469 00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:13,838 So, the blind guy would have the dog, like, sit in front of him. "Woof woof woof." 470 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:17,308 Dog, like, sit in front of him. "Woof woof woof." "Woof woof." 471 00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:19,243 "Woof woof woof." "Woof woof." "Woof." 472 00:16:19,245 --> 00:16:35,360 And they'd probably work out some special morse code-Y bark for when there's blood in the 473 00:16:35,362 --> 00:16:41,032 Some special morse code-Y bark for when there's blood in the poo. 474 00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:42,533 For when there's blood in the poo. No, 'cause they've already been 475 00:16:42,535 --> 00:16:43,601 Poo. No, 'cause they've already been through a rough time. 476 00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:44,402 No, 'cause they've already been through a rough time. They're blind. 477 00:16:44,404 --> 00:16:47,905 Through a rough time. They're blind. No need for ass cancer. 478 00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:49,774 They're blind. No need for ass cancer. Not that blood always means 479 00:16:49,776 --> 00:16:50,708 No need for ass cancer. Not that blood always means ass cancer. 480 00:16:50,710 --> 00:16:52,810 Not that blood always means ass cancer. I suffer from hemorrhoids, have 481 00:16:52,812 --> 00:16:54,912 Ass cancer. I suffer from hemorrhoids, have done since i was 22 years old. 482 00:16:54,914 --> 00:16:56,314 I suffer from hemorrhoids, have done since i was 22 years old. And it's a very young age to get 483 00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:57,648 Done since i was 22 years old. And it's a very young age to get hemorrhoids, but there's a lot 484 00:16:57,650 --> 00:16:58,516 And it's a very young age to get hemorrhoids, but there's a lot of blood involved. 485 00:16:58,518 --> 00:16:59,984 Hemorrhoids, but there's a lot of blood involved. If you've never had one, there's 486 00:16:59,986 --> 00:17:01,352 Of blood involved. If you've never had one, there's a lot of blood involved in a bad 487 00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:01,953 If you've never had one, there's a lot of blood involved in a bad hemorrhoid. 488 00:17:01,955 --> 00:17:04,055 A lot of blood involved in a bad hemorrhoid. I've had toilet bowls that look 489 00:17:04,057 --> 00:17:07,858 Hemorrhoid. I've had toilet bowls that look like abortions. 490 00:17:07,861 --> 00:17:10,094 I've had toilet bowls that look like abortions. Now, i'm not -- It's not good. 491 00:17:10,096 --> 00:17:11,628 Like abortions. Now, i'm not -- It's not good. And the first time, when you're 492 00:17:11,631 --> 00:17:13,097 Now, i'm not -- It's not good. And the first time, when you're 22 and you get one, your brain 493 00:17:13,098 --> 00:17:14,098 And the first time, when you're 22 and you get one, your brain goes to ass cancer. 494 00:17:14,099 --> 00:17:15,500 22 and you get one, your brain goes to ass cancer. You're like, "oh, i got ass 495 00:17:15,502 --> 00:17:16,867 Goes to ass cancer. You're like, "oh, i got ass cancer," because no one ever 496 00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:18,336 You're like, "oh, i got ass cancer," because no one ever told you about hemorrhoids when 497 00:17:18,338 --> 00:17:19,069 Cancer," because no one ever told you about hemorrhoids when you're young. 498 00:17:19,071 --> 00:17:20,637 Told you about hemorrhoids when you're young. Your dad never sits you down and 499 00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:23,508 You're young. Your dad never sits you down and goes, "when you get a bit older, 500 00:17:23,510 --> 00:17:25,843 Your dad never sits you down and goes, "when you get a bit older, you'll be pushing a poo a little 501 00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:28,146 Goes, "when you get a bit older, you'll be pushing a poo a little bit hard, and a small portion of 502 00:17:28,147 --> 00:17:31,916 You'll be pushing a poo a little bit hard, and a small portion of your asshole will fall out. 503 00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:35,753 Bit hard, and a small portion of your asshole will fall out. Now, it's nothing to be alarmed 504 00:17:35,755 --> 00:17:36,988 Your asshole will fall out. Now, it's nothing to be alarmed about. 505 00:17:36,990 --> 00:17:38,456 Now, it's nothing to be alarmed about. It's just part of becoming a 506 00:17:38,458 --> 00:17:42,193 About. It's just part of becoming a [chuckling] man." 507 00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:43,461 It's just part of becoming a [chuckling] man." So, the first time i got a 508 00:17:43,463 --> 00:17:44,929 [Chuckling] man." So, the first time i got a hemorrhoid, i didn't tell anyone 509 00:17:44,931 --> 00:17:46,297 So, the first time i got a hemorrhoid, i didn't tell anyone 'cause i thought i was dying, 510 00:17:46,299 --> 00:17:46,931 Hemorrhoid, i didn't tell anyone 'cause i thought i was dying, obviously. 511 00:17:46,933 --> 00:17:48,366 'Cause i thought i was dying, obviously. And i go to see my doctor, the 512 00:17:48,368 --> 00:17:49,667 Obviously. And i go to see my doctor, the same doctor that i've had my 513 00:17:49,669 --> 00:17:51,102 And i go to see my doctor, the same doctor that i've had my whole life, and he makes me -- 514 00:17:51,104 --> 00:17:53,371 Same doctor that i've had my whole life, and he makes me -- I go, "i got ass cancer." 515 00:17:53,373 --> 00:17:56,007 Whole life, and he makes me -- I go, "i got ass cancer." And he makes me bend over a 516 00:17:56,009 --> 00:17:56,941 I go, "i got ass cancer." And he makes me bend over a chair. 517 00:17:56,943 --> 00:17:58,576 And he makes me bend over a chair. And then he gets a rubber glove 518 00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:00,178 Chair. And then he gets a rubber glove on, and he sort of prods around 519 00:18:00,180 --> 00:18:01,279 And then he gets a rubber glove on, and he sort of prods around my ass a little bit. 520 00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:02,747 On, and he sort of prods around my ass a little bit. And he goes, "oh, you've just 521 00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:04,015 My ass a little bit. And he goes, "oh, you've just got hemorrhoids there." 522 00:18:04,017 --> 00:18:05,650 And he goes, "oh, you've just got hemorrhoids there." And i said, "i thought that only 523 00:18:05,652 --> 00:18:07,018 Got hemorrhoids there." And i said, "i thought that only happens to old people and 524 00:18:07,020 --> 00:18:07,952 And i said, "i thought that only happens to old people and pregnant women." 525 00:18:07,954 --> 00:18:10,088 Happens to old people and pregnant women." And he went, "and you." 526 00:18:10,090 --> 00:18:27,371 So, i live in america now, and i -- [ Cheers and applause ] 527 00:18:27,373 --> 00:18:29,373 I -- [ Cheers and applause ] [ chuckles ] 528 00:18:29,375 --> 00:18:30,675 [ Cheers and applause ] [ chuckles ] people get so entertained by 529 00:18:30,677 --> 00:18:32,143 [ Chuckles ] people get so entertained by that, but where else am i gonna 530 00:18:32,145 --> 00:18:34,412 People get so entertained by that, but where else am i gonna put them? 531 00:18:34,414 --> 00:18:35,746 That, but where else am i gonna put them? We'll put that away for 532 00:18:35,748 --> 00:18:37,215 Put them? We'll put that away for continuity, in case they cut 533 00:18:37,217 --> 00:18:44,055 We'll put that away for continuity, in case they cut the jokes up differently. 534 00:18:44,057 --> 00:18:44,655 Continuity, in case they cut the jokes up differently. There we go. 535 00:18:44,657 --> 00:18:45,523 The jokes up differently. There we go. That's a bit of a -- 536 00:18:45,525 --> 00:18:46,657 There we go. That's a bit of a -- 'Cause i know there's people 537 00:18:46,659 --> 00:18:47,859 That's a bit of a -- 'Cause i know there's people that are sitting at home, going, 538 00:18:47,861 --> 00:18:49,127 'Cause i know there's people that are sitting at home, going, "[ laughs ] that beer went like 539 00:18:49,129 --> 00:18:50,394 That are sitting at home, going, "[ laughs ] that beer went like that, then it it went like that, 540 00:18:50,396 --> 00:18:54,765 "[ Laughs ] that beer went like that, then it it went like that, then it went like that." 541 00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:59,103 That, then it it went like that, then it went like that." Fucking nerds. 542 00:18:59,105 --> 00:19:00,338 Then it went like that." Fucking nerds. So, i live in america, and it 543 00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:01,606 Fucking nerds. So, i live in america, and it fucking blows my mind i live in 544 00:19:01,608 --> 00:19:02,440 So, i live in america, and it fucking blows my mind i live in america now, man. 545 00:19:02,442 --> 00:19:03,975 Fucking blows my mind i live in america now, man. I -- Coming from australia and 546 00:19:03,977 --> 00:19:05,576 America now, man. I -- Coming from australia and everything, i never thought i'd 547 00:19:05,578 --> 00:19:06,978 I -- Coming from australia and everything, i never thought i'd sort of go this far with my 548 00:19:06,980 --> 00:19:08,079 Everything, i never thought i'd sort of go this far with my career or anything. 549 00:19:08,081 --> 00:19:09,814 Sort of go this far with my career or anything. And i find myself -- Now i'm out 550 00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:11,315 Career or anything. And i find myself -- Now i'm out there auditioning for major 551 00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:12,517 And i find myself -- Now i'm out there auditioning for major movies and shit, man. 552 00:19:12,519 --> 00:19:14,886 There auditioning for major movies and shit, man. And i still feel retarded every 553 00:19:14,888 --> 00:19:16,454 Movies and shit, man. And i still feel retarded every time i go in there. 554 00:19:16,456 --> 00:19:18,122 And i still feel retarded every time i go in there. Now, the first time i went for 555 00:19:18,124 --> 00:19:19,724 Time i go in there. Now, the first time i went for an audition, i'd been in l.A. 556 00:19:19,726 --> 00:19:21,025 Now, the first time i went for an audition, i'd been in l.A. For like a couple days. 557 00:19:21,027 --> 00:19:22,627 An audition, i'd been in l.A. For like a couple days. And my agency sent me to this 558 00:19:22,629 --> 00:19:24,328 For like a couple days. And my agency sent me to this audition and i went along and i 559 00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:25,963 And my agency sent me to this audition and i went along and i met this girl in the corridor 560 00:19:25,965 --> 00:19:26,797 Audition and i went along and i met this girl in the corridor called carla. 561 00:19:26,799 --> 00:19:27,798 Met this girl in the corridor called carla. And i was really nervous, and 562 00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:28,866 Called carla. And i was really nervous, and she could tell i was nervous. 563 00:19:28,868 --> 00:19:29,901 And i was really nervous, and she could tell i was nervous. And she sort of calmed me down 564 00:19:29,903 --> 00:19:30,902 She could tell i was nervous. And she sort of calmed me down and we had a little bit of a 565 00:19:30,904 --> 00:19:31,936 And she sort of calmed me down and we had a little bit of a chat and she was really cute, 566 00:19:31,938 --> 00:19:33,738 And we had a little bit of a chat and she was really cute, and we flirted together and 567 00:19:33,740 --> 00:19:34,372 Chat and she was really cute, and we flirted together and stuff. 568 00:19:34,374 --> 00:19:36,240 And we flirted together and stuff. And then i went and read the 569 00:19:36,242 --> 00:19:38,042 Stuff. And then i went and read the little bit, and then i went 570 00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:38,609 And then i went and read the little bit, and then i went home. 571 00:19:38,611 --> 00:19:39,810 Little bit, and then i went home. And then i got a call later on 572 00:19:39,812 --> 00:19:40,945 Home. And then i got a call later on that afternoon, going, "they 573 00:19:40,947 --> 00:19:41,879 And then i got a call later on that afternoon, going, "they loved you. 574 00:19:41,881 --> 00:19:42,914 That afternoon, going, "they loved you. You're gonna come back for a 575 00:19:42,916 --> 00:19:43,414 Loved you. You're gonna come back for a callback." 576 00:19:43,416 --> 00:19:44,315 You're gonna come back for a callback." So i'm like, "excellent. 577 00:19:44,317 --> 00:19:44,949 Callback." So i'm like, "excellent. That's good. 578 00:19:44,951 --> 00:19:46,284 So i'm like, "excellent. That's good. So, i go back for the callback, 579 00:19:46,286 --> 00:19:47,652 That's good. So, i go back for the callback, and when you do callbacks, often 580 00:19:47,654 --> 00:19:48,819 So, i go back for the callback, and when you do callbacks, often they have you reading with 581 00:19:48,821 --> 00:19:49,520 And when you do callbacks, often they have you reading with another person. 582 00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:50,788 They have you reading with another person. So, i'm in the room, reading 583 00:19:50,790 --> 00:19:51,989 Another person. So, i'm in the room, reading with this girl, and it's the 584 00:19:51,991 --> 00:19:53,224 So, i'm in the room, reading with this girl, and it's the same girl from the corridor. 585 00:19:53,226 --> 00:19:54,091 With this girl, and it's the same girl from the corridor. It's carla, right? 586 00:19:54,093 --> 00:19:55,259 Same girl from the corridor. It's carla, right? And we're sort of flirting, 587 00:19:55,261 --> 00:19:56,460 It's carla, right? And we're sort of flirting, going, "hey, from the thing 588 00:19:56,462 --> 00:19:57,628 And we're sort of flirting, going, "hey, from the thing before -- Ahh." 589 00:19:57,630 --> 00:20:00,565 Going, "hey, from the thing before -- Ahh." And so we're reading. 590 00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:01,666 Before -- Ahh." And so we're reading. We have great on-Screen 591 00:20:01,668 --> 00:20:03,000 And so we're reading. We have great on-Screen chemistry and all that type of 592 00:20:03,002 --> 00:20:03,367 We have great on-Screen chemistry and all that type of stuff. 593 00:20:03,369 --> 00:20:04,902 Chemistry and all that type of stuff. Then after the audition, i said, 594 00:20:04,904 --> 00:20:06,404 Stuff. Then after the audition, i said, "carla, do you have any taxicab 595 00:20:06,406 --> 00:20:06,938 Then after the audition, i said, "carla, do you have any taxicab numbers? 596 00:20:06,940 --> 00:20:08,072 "Carla, do you have any taxicab numbers? I got to get to my next 597 00:20:08,074 --> 00:20:08,673 Numbers? I got to get to my next audition." 598 00:20:08,675 --> 00:20:10,141 I got to get to my next audition." She said, "where are you trying 599 00:20:10,143 --> 00:20:10,808 Audition." She said, "where are you trying to get to?" 600 00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:12,109 She said, "where are you trying to get to?" And i went, "santa monica." 601 00:20:12,111 --> 00:20:13,611 To get to?" And i went, "santa monica." And she said, "that's where i'm 602 00:20:13,613 --> 00:20:14,045 And i went, "santa monica." And she said, "that's where i'm going. 603 00:20:14,047 --> 00:20:15,746 And she said, "that's where i'm going. I'll give you a lift." 604 00:20:15,748 --> 00:20:17,648 Going. I'll give you a lift." Now, please note at this stage 605 00:20:17,650 --> 00:20:19,517 I'll give you a lift." Now, please note at this stage of the story i didn't ask for 606 00:20:19,519 --> 00:20:20,851 Now, please note at this stage of the story i didn't ask for the lift. 607 00:20:20,853 --> 00:20:23,087 Of the story i didn't ask for the lift. We go down to the car. 608 00:20:23,089 --> 00:20:24,655 The lift. We go down to the car. She gets in. 609 00:20:24,657 --> 00:20:26,557 We go down to the car. She gets in. She unwinds my window. 610 00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:28,259 She gets in. She unwinds my window. She looks out and goes, "jim, 611 00:20:28,261 --> 00:20:29,627 She unwinds my window. She looks out and goes, "jim, what's your full name?" 612 00:20:29,629 --> 00:20:31,629 She looks out and goes, "jim, what's your full name?" And i went, "jim jefferies." 613 00:20:31,631 --> 00:20:33,231 What's your full name?" And i went, "jim jefferies." And she went, "wait there." 614 00:20:33,233 --> 00:20:34,799 And i went, "jim jefferies." And she went, "wait there." Then she called her mom up and 615 00:20:34,801 --> 00:20:36,267 And she went, "wait there." Then she called her mom up and said, "hi, mom. It's carla." 616 00:20:36,269 --> 00:20:37,935 Then she called her mom up and said, "hi, mom. It's carla." I just met a very nice boy at 617 00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:39,604 Said, "hi, mom. It's carla." I just met a very nice boy at the audition today, and i'm 618 00:20:39,606 --> 00:20:41,105 I just met a very nice boy at the audition today, and i'm going to give him a lift. 619 00:20:41,107 --> 00:20:42,673 The audition today, and i'm going to give him a lift. But in case i get raped or 620 00:20:42,675 --> 00:20:46,310 Going to give him a lift. But in case i get raped or murdered, his name's 621 00:20:46,312 --> 00:20:47,445 But in case i get raped or murdered, his name's jim jefferies. 622 00:20:47,447 --> 00:20:49,180 Murdered, his name's jim jefferies. So if you don't hear from me in 623 00:20:49,182 --> 00:20:50,848 Jim jefferies. So if you don't hear from me in an hour, assume something bad 624 00:20:50,850 --> 00:20:54,385 So if you don't hear from me in an hour, assume something bad has happened and call the cops. 625 00:20:54,387 --> 00:20:57,888 An hour, assume something bad has happened and call the cops. Get it, jim!" 626 00:20:57,890 --> 00:20:59,357 Has happened and call the cops. Get it, jim!" So i get in. 627 00:20:59,359 --> 00:21:01,459 Get it, jim!" So i get in. We got like a 15-Mile drive. 628 00:21:01,461 --> 00:21:03,661 So i get in. We got like a 15-Mile drive. I say fucking nothing for the 629 00:21:03,663 --> 00:21:05,062 We got like a 15-Mile drive. I say fucking nothing for the first 5 miles. 630 00:21:05,064 --> 00:21:06,664 I say fucking nothing for the first 5 miles. I just look forward. 631 00:21:06,666 --> 00:21:09,033 First 5 miles. I just look forward. And eventually i turn to her and 632 00:21:09,035 --> 00:21:11,235 I just look forward. And eventually i turn to her and go, "you've just made this rape 633 00:21:11,237 --> 00:21:14,438 And eventually i turn to her and go, "you've just made this rape really awkward." 634 00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:18,175 Go, "you've just made this rape really awkward." She fucking freaks out! 635 00:21:18,177 --> 00:21:19,610 Really awkward." She fucking freaks out! She slams her foot on the 636 00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:20,177 She fucking freaks out! She slams her foot on the brakes. 637 00:21:20,179 --> 00:21:21,646 She slams her foot on the brakes. She skids off the highway. 638 00:21:21,648 --> 00:21:23,114 Brakes. She skids off the highway. She starts slapping at me. 639 00:21:23,116 --> 00:21:24,515 She skids off the highway. She starts slapping at me. I'm grabbing her wrists. 640 00:21:24,517 --> 00:21:26,117 She starts slapping at me. I'm grabbing her wrists. Now i feel kind of rapey, and 641 00:21:26,119 --> 00:21:28,619 I'm grabbing her wrists. Now i feel kind of rapey, and i didn't want to. 642 00:21:28,621 --> 00:21:30,021 Now i feel kind of rapey, and i didn't want to. And it's like, "you offered the 643 00:21:30,023 --> 00:21:31,155 I didn't want to. And it's like, "you offered the lift! 644 00:21:31,157 --> 00:21:32,790 And it's like, "you offered the lift! I didn't ask for the fucking 645 00:21:32,792 --> 00:21:33,791 Lift! I didn't ask for the fucking lift! 646 00:21:33,793 --> 00:21:35,326 I didn't ask for the fucking lift! You seem more concerned in 647 00:21:35,328 --> 00:21:36,727 Lift! You seem more concerned in solving this crime than 648 00:21:36,729 --> 00:21:41,966 You seem more concerned in solving this crime than preventing it." 649 00:21:41,968 --> 00:21:43,567 Solving this crime than preventing it." So, i raped her to teach her a 650 00:21:43,569 --> 00:21:45,736 Preventing it." So, i raped her to teach her a lesson, 'cause... 651 00:21:45,738 --> 00:21:49,073 So, i raped her to teach her a lesson, 'cause... [ applause ] 652 00:21:49,075 --> 00:21:54,745 Lesson, 'cause... [ applause ] ...how else would she learn? 653 00:21:54,747 --> 00:21:56,113 [ Applause ] ...how else would she learn? We're trying to sell this show 654 00:21:56,115 --> 00:21:57,048 ...how else would she learn? We're trying to sell this show to the americans. 655 00:21:57,050 --> 00:22:01,519 We're trying to sell this show to the americans. I don't like our chances. 656 00:22:01,521 --> 00:22:03,120 To the americans. I don't like our chances. So, let's do something we can 657 00:22:03,122 --> 00:22:08,025 I don't like our chances. So, let's do something we can all enjoy. 658 00:22:08,027 --> 00:22:09,760 So, let's do something we can all enjoy. Sometimes when i'm fucking a 659 00:22:09,762 --> 00:22:13,731 All enjoy. Sometimes when i'm fucking a chick, i go to fuck them again 660 00:22:13,733 --> 00:22:15,032 Sometimes when i'm fucking a chick, i go to fuck them again in the morning, and they'll say 661 00:22:15,034 --> 00:22:17,301 Chick, i go to fuck them again in the morning, and they'll say something like this -- 662 00:22:17,303 --> 00:22:23,941 In the morning, and they'll say something like this -- "No. 663 00:22:23,943 --> 00:22:26,177 Something like this -- "No. When we fucked last night, it 664 00:22:26,179 --> 00:22:28,379 "No. When we fucked last night, it was a little bit dry, and now 665 00:22:28,381 --> 00:22:30,648 When we fucked last night, it was a little bit dry, and now i'm sore." 666 00:22:30,650 --> 00:22:33,417 Was a little bit dry, and now i'm sore." Now, to any woman who's said 667 00:22:33,419 --> 00:22:35,586 I'm sore." Now, to any woman who's said something similar to this, may i 668 00:22:35,588 --> 00:22:40,224 Now, to any woman who's said something similar to this, may i say, "your problem. 669 00:22:40,226 --> 00:22:43,227 Something similar to this, may i say, "your problem. My job was to get an erection. 670 00:22:43,229 --> 00:22:44,962 Say, "your problem. My job was to get an erection. Your job was to get your hole 671 00:22:44,964 --> 00:22:46,964 My job was to get an erection. Your job was to get your hole wet. 672 00:22:46,966 --> 00:22:49,567 Your job was to get your hole wet. Didn't you get your hole wet? 673 00:22:49,569 --> 00:22:54,372 Wet. Didn't you get your hole wet? We both had things to do"? 674 00:22:54,374 --> 00:22:58,242 Didn't you get your hole wet? We both had things to do"? See... 675 00:22:58,244 --> 00:22:59,877 We both had things to do"? See... if i don't get an erection 676 00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:01,779 See... if i don't get an erection during sex, i'm called impotent. 677 00:23:01,781 --> 00:23:04,715 If i don't get an erection during sex, i'm called impotent. But a dry hole is the same as a 678 00:23:04,717 --> 00:23:06,250 During sex, i'm called impotent. But a dry hole is the same as a flaccid penis. 679 00:23:06,252 --> 00:23:09,120 But a dry hole is the same as a flaccid penis. A dry hole is an impotent hole 680 00:23:09,122 --> 00:23:10,788 Flaccid penis. A dry hole is an impotent hole and you're not a complete woman 681 00:23:10,790 --> 00:23:12,390 A dry hole is an impotent hole and you're not a complete woman and you should be ashamed of 682 00:23:12,392 --> 00:23:13,057 And you're not a complete woman and you should be ashamed of yourself. 683 00:23:13,059 --> 00:23:18,529 And you should be ashamed of yourself. [ Cheers and applause ] 684 00:23:18,531 --> 00:23:20,798 Yourself. [ Cheers and applause ] but women don't take 685 00:23:20,800 --> 00:23:23,067 [ Cheers and applause ] but women don't take responsibility for the dry hole. 686 00:23:23,069 --> 00:23:24,668 But women don't take responsibility for the dry hole. If i go to fuck a chick tonight 687 00:23:24,670 --> 00:23:26,137 Responsibility for the dry hole. If i go to fuck a chick tonight and i get too drunk, which i 688 00:23:26,139 --> 00:23:27,805 If i go to fuck a chick tonight and i get too drunk, which i will -- And i go to fuck a chick 689 00:23:27,807 --> 00:23:29,306 And i get too drunk, which i will -- And i go to fuck a chick and i don't get an erection, 690 00:23:29,308 --> 00:23:30,808 Will -- And i go to fuck a chick and i don't get an erection, she'll go back to her friends 691 00:23:30,810 --> 00:23:32,443 And i don't get an erection, she'll go back to her friends and go, "oh, i went to fuck that 692 00:23:32,445 --> 00:23:33,344 She'll go back to her friends and go, "oh, i went to fuck that jim jefferies. 693 00:23:33,346 --> 00:23:34,879 And go, "oh, i went to fuck that jim jefferies. He couldn't get an erection." 694 00:23:34,881 --> 00:23:36,447 Jim jefferies. He couldn't get an erection." But if i go to fuck a chick and 695 00:23:36,449 --> 00:23:37,982 He couldn't get an erection." But if i go to fuck a chick and she doesn't get wet, she'll go 696 00:23:37,984 --> 00:23:39,450 But if i go to fuck a chick and she doesn't get wet, she'll go back to her friends and go, 697 00:23:39,452 --> 00:23:41,585 She doesn't get wet, she'll go back to her friends and go, "i fucked jim jefferies. 698 00:23:41,587 --> 00:23:45,456 Back to her friends and go, "i fucked jim jefferies. He didn't even get me wet." 699 00:23:45,458 --> 00:23:47,691 "I fucked jim jefferies. He didn't even get me wet." Do you see the problem there? 700 00:23:47,693 --> 00:23:50,995 He didn't even get me wet." Do you see the problem there? I'm in charge of everything. 701 00:23:50,997 --> 00:23:53,464 Do you see the problem there? I'm in charge of everything. It's like -- I used to fuck this 702 00:23:53,466 --> 00:23:54,899 I'm in charge of everything. It's like -- I used to fuck this chick for a while. 703 00:23:54,901 --> 00:23:58,736 It's like -- I used to fuck this chick for a while. I start fucking her, and she 704 00:23:58,738 --> 00:23:59,970 Chick for a while. I start fucking her, and she sent me a text -- Well, you 705 00:23:59,972 --> 00:24:01,071 I start fucking her, and she sent me a text -- Well, you know, i just stopped calling 706 00:24:01,073 --> 00:24:02,373 Sent me a text -- Well, you know, i just stopped calling her, you know, just ignored her. 707 00:24:02,375 --> 00:24:04,508 Know, i just stopped calling her, you know, just ignored her. And she sent me a text message 708 00:24:04,510 --> 00:24:06,610 Her, you know, just ignored her. And she sent me a text message a month later that went, "oh, 709 00:24:06,612 --> 00:24:09,079 And she sent me a text message a month later that went, "oh, by the way, you never made me 710 00:24:09,081 --> 00:24:09,880 A month later that went, "oh, by the way, you never made me come." 711 00:24:09,882 --> 00:24:13,083 By the way, you never made me come." And i was like, "pfft, really? 712 00:24:13,085 --> 00:24:14,351 Come." And i was like, "pfft, really? You think you're the one who 713 00:24:14,353 --> 00:24:17,822 And i was like, "pfft, really? You think you're the one who makes me come? 714 00:24:17,824 --> 00:24:19,423 You think you're the one who makes me come? Do you want to know who makes 715 00:24:19,425 --> 00:24:20,057 Makes me come? Do you want to know who makes me come? 716 00:24:20,059 --> 00:24:21,158 Do you want to know who makes me come? I make me come! 717 00:24:21,160 --> 00:24:22,927 Me come? I make me come! All the horrible thoughts i 718 00:24:22,929 --> 00:24:24,829 I make me come! All the horrible thoughts i have in my fucking head makes 719 00:24:24,831 --> 00:24:25,563 All the horrible thoughts i have in my fucking head makes me come! 720 00:24:25,565 --> 00:24:27,264 Have in my fucking head makes me come! You have very little to do 721 00:24:27,266 --> 00:24:27,998 Me come! You have very little to do with it. 722 00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:29,733 You have very little to do with it. You're just the container i 723 00:24:29,735 --> 00:24:32,703 With it. You're just the container i shoot it into." 724 00:24:32,705 --> 00:24:37,808 You're just the container i shoot it into." [ Applause ] 725 00:24:37,810 --> 00:24:39,543 Shoot it into." [ Applause ] but let's go back to the dry 726 00:24:39,545 --> 00:24:42,680 [ Applause ] but let's go back to the dry cunt. 727 00:24:42,682 --> 00:24:44,081 But let's go back to the dry cunt. There are women in the room who 728 00:24:44,083 --> 00:24:45,449 Cunt. There are women in the room who are thinking, "maybe i wouldn't 729 00:24:45,451 --> 00:24:46,684 There are women in the room who are thinking, "maybe i wouldn't be dry if there was a bit of 730 00:24:46,686 --> 00:24:48,385 Are thinking, "maybe i wouldn't be dry if there was a bit of foreplay." 731 00:24:48,387 --> 00:24:50,454 Be dry if there was a bit of foreplay." Let's explain foreplay. 732 00:24:50,456 --> 00:24:52,289 Foreplay." Let's explain foreplay. Foreplay is what we do to each 733 00:24:52,291 --> 00:24:54,024 Let's explain foreplay. Foreplay is what we do to each other to get each other ready 734 00:24:54,026 --> 00:24:54,725 Foreplay is what we do to each other to get each other ready for sex. 735 00:24:54,727 --> 00:24:58,195 Other to get each other ready for sex. If i have an erection, that 736 00:24:58,197 --> 00:25:01,398 For sex. If i have an erection, that means i'm ready for sex and 737 00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:04,301 If i have an erection, that means i'm ready for sex and i'm all foreplayed out. 738 00:25:04,303 --> 00:25:05,669 Means i'm ready for sex and i'm all foreplayed out. Now, the foreplay that's 739 00:25:05,671 --> 00:25:07,404 I'm all foreplayed out. Now, the foreplay that's necessary for a woman goes like 740 00:25:07,406 --> 00:25:10,441 Now, the foreplay that's necessary for a woman goes like this -- You got to start by 741 00:25:10,443 --> 00:25:12,243 Necessary for a woman goes like this -- You got to start by kissing them. 742 00:25:12,245 --> 00:25:14,311 This -- You got to start by kissing them. Women love kissing. 743 00:25:14,313 --> 00:25:15,779 Kissing them. Women love kissing. Men don't give a shit about 744 00:25:15,781 --> 00:25:17,214 Women love kissing. Men don't give a shit about kissing. 745 00:25:17,216 --> 00:25:19,183 Men don't give a shit about kissing. We kiss you because we like you 746 00:25:19,185 --> 00:25:20,951 Kissing. We kiss you because we like you and -- Let's be honest -- We 747 00:25:20,953 --> 00:25:26,290 We kiss you because we like you and -- Let's be honest -- We spoil you. 748 00:25:26,292 --> 00:25:28,392 And -- Let's be honest -- We spoil you. Men don't give a fuck about 749 00:25:28,394 --> 00:25:29,260 Spoil you. Men don't give a fuck about kissing. 750 00:25:29,262 --> 00:25:31,362 Men don't give a fuck about kissing. Used to like kissing when we 751 00:25:31,364 --> 00:25:33,230 Kissing. Used to like kissing when we were in our early teens. 752 00:25:33,232 --> 00:25:36,867 Used to like kissing when we were in our early teens. Then someone sucked our dick. 753 00:25:36,869 --> 00:25:39,236 Were in our early teens. Then someone sucked our dick. And then, "what's this kissing 754 00:25:39,238 --> 00:25:39,970 Then someone sucked our dick. And then, "what's this kissing thing? 755 00:25:39,972 --> 00:25:41,772 And then, "what's this kissing thing? Why am i kissing this person? 756 00:25:41,774 --> 00:25:43,674 Thing? Why am i kissing this person? Why would i ride on the swings? 757 00:25:43,676 --> 00:25:45,009 Why am i kissing this person? Why would i ride on the swings? I've already been to 758 00:25:45,011 --> 00:25:50,114 Why would i ride on the swings? I've already been to disneyland." 759 00:25:50,116 --> 00:25:51,715 I've already been to disneyland." But we kiss you 'cause we like 760 00:25:51,717 --> 00:25:53,150 Disneyland." But we kiss you 'cause we like you and we're a charitable 761 00:25:53,152 --> 00:25:56,120 But we kiss you 'cause we like you and we're a charitable bunch. 762 00:25:56,122 --> 00:25:58,088 You and we're a charitable bunch. Then you start kissing down the 763 00:25:58,090 --> 00:25:58,622 Bunch. Then you start kissing down the neck. 764 00:25:58,624 --> 00:26:00,591 Then you start kissing down the neck. Now, the whole time you're doing 765 00:26:00,593 --> 00:26:02,526 Neck. Now, the whole time you're doing this, you're working downwards, 766 00:26:02,528 --> 00:26:04,662 Now, the whole time you're doing this, you're working downwards, towards the cunt. 767 00:26:04,664 --> 00:26:06,597 This, you're working downwards, towards the cunt. Now, you know you're going to 768 00:26:06,599 --> 00:26:07,364 Towards the cunt. Now, you know you're going to the cunt. 769 00:26:07,366 --> 00:26:09,300 Now, you know you're going to the cunt. She knows you're going to the 770 00:26:09,302 --> 00:26:09,867 The cunt. She knows you're going to the cunt. 771 00:26:09,869 --> 00:26:14,238 She knows you're going to the cunt. Everybody knows...you're going 772 00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:15,139 Cunt. Everybody knows...you're going to the cunt. 773 00:26:15,141 --> 00:26:17,374 Everybody knows...you're going to the cunt. But for some unbeknown reason, 774 00:26:17,376 --> 00:26:19,710 To the cunt. But for some unbeknown reason, you have to act like you're not 775 00:26:19,712 --> 00:26:21,712 But for some unbeknown reason, you have to act like you're not going to the cunt and that 776 00:26:21,714 --> 00:26:23,981 You have to act like you're not going to the cunt and that you're enjoying the journey of 777 00:26:23,983 --> 00:26:26,617 Going to the cunt and that you're enjoying the journey of this creature. 778 00:26:26,619 --> 00:26:28,152 You're enjoying the journey of this creature. Women -- You got to give them a 779 00:26:28,154 --> 00:26:28,752 This creature. Women -- You got to give them a journey. 780 00:26:28,754 --> 00:26:30,254 Women -- You got to give them a journey. Men don't give a shit about a 781 00:26:30,256 --> 00:26:30,854 Journey. Men don't give a shit about a journey. 782 00:26:30,856 --> 00:26:32,823 Men don't give a shit about a journey. If a man's driving from point 783 00:26:32,825 --> 00:26:34,758 Journey. If a man's driving from point "a" to point "b," we fill the 784 00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:36,727 If a man's driving from point "a" to point "b," we fill the tank, we get on the motorway, 785 00:26:36,729 --> 00:26:40,931 "A" to point "b," we fill the tank, we get on the motorway, we make good time, right? 786 00:26:40,933 --> 00:26:42,533 Tank, we get on the motorway, we make good time, right? With women, you got to give them 787 00:26:42,535 --> 00:26:43,834 We make good time, right? With women, you got to give them a fucking journey. 788 00:26:43,836 --> 00:26:46,937 With women, you got to give them a fucking journey. You got to take them by the 789 00:26:46,939 --> 00:26:50,774 A fucking journey. You got to take them by the water or antiquing or some shit. 790 00:26:50,776 --> 00:26:51,976 You got to take them by the water or antiquing or some shit. [ Chuckles ] 791 00:26:51,978 --> 00:26:54,144 Water or antiquing or some shit. [ Chuckles ] see, the thing is women read so 792 00:26:54,146 --> 00:26:56,347 [ Chuckles ] see, the thing is women read so many magazines about how to send 793 00:26:56,349 --> 00:26:58,048 See, the thing is women read so many magazines about how to send your man wild and how to 794 00:26:58,050 --> 00:27:00,217 Many magazines about how to send your man wild and how to titillate your man and all these 795 00:27:00,219 --> 00:27:01,986 Your man wild and how to titillate your man and all these 25 steps to do all the -- 796 00:27:01,988 --> 00:27:03,854 Titillate your man and all these 25 steps to do all the -- It's a lot of fucking bullshit. 797 00:27:03,856 --> 00:27:05,456 25 steps to do all the -- It's a lot of fucking bullshit. Oh, "get a feather." 798 00:27:05,458 --> 00:27:07,024 It's a lot of fucking bullshit. Oh, "get a feather." "Involve food in the 799 00:27:07,026 --> 00:27:08,792 Oh, "get a feather." "Involve food in the relationship." 800 00:27:08,794 --> 00:27:10,194 "Involve food in the relationship." This is all bullshit. 801 00:27:10,196 --> 00:27:11,695 Relationship." This is all bullshit. "Play with his nipples." 802 00:27:11,697 --> 00:27:14,698 This is all bullshit. "Play with his nipples." These things are fucking dead! 803 00:27:14,700 --> 00:27:16,533 "Play with his nipples." These things are fucking dead! They're dead to me! 804 00:27:16,535 --> 00:27:17,968 These things are fucking dead! They're dead to me! These mean nothing! 805 00:27:17,970 --> 00:27:19,937 They're dead to me! These mean nothing! You could cut these off and 806 00:27:19,939 --> 00:27:22,206 These mean nothing! You could cut these off and donate them to some poor african 807 00:27:22,208 --> 00:27:24,808 You could cut these off and donate them to some poor african child without nipples! 808 00:27:24,810 --> 00:27:27,811 Donate them to some poor african child without nipples! I wouldn't give a fuck. 809 00:27:27,813 --> 00:27:29,613 Child without nipples! I wouldn't give a fuck. This is what we want you to 810 00:27:29,615 --> 00:27:31,749 I wouldn't give a fuck. This is what we want you to do -- Fucking suck our cock and 811 00:27:31,751 --> 00:27:32,850 This is what we want you to do -- Fucking suck our cock and cup our balls. 812 00:27:32,852 --> 00:27:34,685 Do -- Fucking suck our cock and cup our balls. And when you're sucking our 813 00:27:34,687 --> 00:27:36,754 Cup our balls. And when you're sucking our cock, look like you're in a bit 814 00:27:36,756 --> 00:27:38,789 And when you're sucking our cock, look like you're in a bit of pain because we enjoy it if 815 00:27:38,791 --> 00:27:40,357 Cock, look like you're in a bit of pain because we enjoy it if you look uncomfortable. 816 00:27:40,359 --> 00:27:46,830 Of pain because we enjoy it if you look uncomfortable. [ Cheers and applause ] 817 00:27:46,832 --> 00:27:51,335 You look uncomfortable. [ Cheers and applause ] anyway, but back to the lady -- 818 00:27:51,337 --> 00:27:52,903 [ Cheers and applause ] anyway, but back to the lady -- You keep kissing down. 819 00:27:52,905 --> 00:27:54,471 Anyway, but back to the lady -- You keep kissing down. Now you're at the tits. 820 00:27:54,473 --> 00:27:56,273 You keep kissing down. Now you're at the tits. Now, tits are a mixed bag. 821 00:27:56,275 --> 00:27:58,175 Now you're at the tits. Now, tits are a mixed bag. Some tits you got to be firm 822 00:27:58,177 --> 00:27:58,776 Now, tits are a mixed bag. Some tits you got to be firm with. 823 00:27:58,778 --> 00:28:00,678 Some tits you got to be firm with. Some tits you got to be soft 824 00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:01,245 With. Some tits you got to be soft with. 825 00:28:01,247 --> 00:28:03,080 Some tits you got to be soft with. Some tits, you can bite the 826 00:28:03,082 --> 00:28:03,747 With. Some tits, you can bite the nipple. 827 00:28:03,749 --> 00:28:05,716 Some tits, you can bite the nipple. Some tits, don't even go near 828 00:28:05,718 --> 00:28:07,551 Nipple. Some tits, don't even go near the nipple. 829 00:28:07,553 --> 00:28:09,086 Some tits, don't even go near the nipple. Tits are like golf -- You play 830 00:28:09,088 --> 00:28:10,254 The nipple. Tits are like golf -- You play the course you're on. 831 00:28:10,256 --> 00:28:18,962 Tits are like golf -- You play the course you're on. Then...you keep kissing down. 832 00:28:18,964 --> 00:28:21,265 The course you're on. Then...you keep kissing down. Now you're at the cunt. 833 00:28:21,267 --> 00:28:23,067 Then...you keep kissing down. Now you're at the cunt. But even when you get to the 834 00:28:23,069 --> 00:28:25,269 Now you're at the cunt. But even when you get to the cunt, you have to act like 835 00:28:25,271 --> 00:28:26,837 But even when you get to the cunt, you have to act like you're not at the cunt. 836 00:28:26,839 --> 00:28:28,739 Cunt, you have to act like you're not at the cunt. You have to act like you've 837 00:28:28,741 --> 00:28:30,474 You're not at the cunt. You have to act like you've stumbled upon the cunt by 838 00:28:30,476 --> 00:28:32,476 You have to act like you've stumbled upon the cunt by accident. 839 00:28:32,478 --> 00:28:34,378 Stumbled upon the cunt by accident. So, you'll be kissing, like, a 840 00:28:34,380 --> 00:28:37,281 Accident. So, you'll be kissing, like, a dimple-Y bit of thigh here, and 841 00:28:37,283 --> 00:28:40,017 So, you'll be kissing, like, a dimple-Y bit of thigh here, and the cunt's there. 842 00:28:40,019 --> 00:28:42,019 Dimple-Y bit of thigh here, and the cunt's there. And you have to sort of almost, 843 00:28:42,021 --> 00:28:46,390 The cunt's there. And you have to sort of almost, "oh, hello! 844 00:28:46,392 --> 00:28:48,459 And you have to sort of almost, "oh, hello! I was visiting dimple-Y thigh. 845 00:28:48,461 --> 00:28:50,761 "Oh, hello! I was visiting dimple-Y thigh. I forgot you lived down here. 846 00:28:50,763 --> 00:28:52,896 I was visiting dimple-Y thigh. I forgot you lived down here. No, always a pleasure, never a 847 00:28:52,898 --> 00:28:54,998 I forgot you lived down here. No, always a pleasure, never a chore. 848 00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:58,402 No, always a pleasure, never a chore. Do you mind if i pop in?" 849 00:28:58,404 --> 00:29:02,473 Chore. Do you mind if i pop in?" Then you lick the whole general 850 00:29:02,475 --> 00:29:05,042 Do you mind if i pop in?" Then you lick the whole general cunt area. 851 00:29:05,044 --> 00:29:06,577 Then you lick the whole general cunt area. Then there's a bit at the top of 852 00:29:06,579 --> 00:29:08,479 Cunt area. Then there's a bit at the top of the cunt -- If you lick that, 853 00:29:08,481 --> 00:29:13,050 Then there's a bit at the top of the cunt -- If you lick that, they seem to enjoy it. 854 00:29:13,052 --> 00:29:15,486 The cunt -- If you lick that, they seem to enjoy it. This all takes between 10 and 40 855 00:29:15,488 --> 00:29:18,322 They seem to enjoy it. This all takes between 10 and 40 minutes. 856 00:29:18,324 --> 00:29:24,661 This all takes between 10 and 40 minutes. And she might be wet. 857 00:29:24,663 --> 00:29:26,230 Minutes. And she might be wet. And that's the foreplay that's 858 00:29:26,232 --> 00:29:28,599 And she might be wet. And that's the foreplay that's necessary for a woman. 859 00:29:28,601 --> 00:29:30,033 And that's the foreplay that's necessary for a woman. Now, the foreplay that's 860 00:29:30,035 --> 00:29:32,970 Necessary for a woman. Now, the foreplay that's necessary for a man -- We just 861 00:29:32,972 --> 00:29:35,973 Now, the foreplay that's necessary for a man -- We just need to see you naked. 862 00:29:35,975 --> 00:29:38,876 Necessary for a man -- We just need to see you naked. Maybe you need kisses, caresses, 863 00:29:38,878 --> 00:29:41,578 Need to see you naked. Maybe you need kisses, caresses, compliments, and licks, when all 864 00:29:41,580 --> 00:29:44,581 Maybe you need kisses, caresses, compliments, and licks, when all we need is you. 865 00:29:44,583 --> 00:29:46,583 Compliments, and licks, when all we need is you. Maybe we take our relationships 866 00:29:46,585 --> 00:29:48,752 We need is you. Maybe we take our relationships seriously. 867 00:29:48,754 --> 00:29:51,388 Maybe we take our relationships seriously. [ Cheers and applause ] 868 00:29:51,390 --> 00:30:15,979 [ Cheers and applause ] how many more do you reckon there is behind there? 869 00:30:15,981 --> 00:30:17,347 How many more do you reckon there is behind there? There's a dwarf behind there 870 00:30:17,349 --> 00:30:24,621 There is behind there? There's a dwarf behind there mixing me a cocktail. 871 00:30:24,623 --> 00:30:28,725 There's a dwarf behind there mixing me a cocktail. I am fucking drunk, though. 872 00:30:28,727 --> 00:30:30,994 Mixing me a cocktail. I am fucking drunk, though. All right. 873 00:30:30,996 --> 00:30:32,996 I am fucking drunk, though. All right. I'm gonna tell you a story. 874 00:30:32,998 --> 00:30:34,064 All right. I'm gonna tell you a story. This story's very long. 875 00:30:34,066 --> 00:30:35,432 I'm gonna tell you a story. This story's very long. The first three minutes of this 876 00:30:35,434 --> 00:30:38,001 This story's very long. The first three minutes of this story are very depressing. 877 00:30:38,003 --> 00:30:40,671 The first three minutes of this story are very depressing. Just hitching up my pants. 878 00:30:40,673 --> 00:30:41,905 Story are very depressing. Just hitching up my pants. The first three minutes of this 879 00:30:41,907 --> 00:30:43,073 Just hitching up my pants. The first three minutes of this story are very depressing, but 880 00:30:43,075 --> 00:30:44,174 The first three minutes of this story are very depressing, but there is a moment where this 881 00:30:44,176 --> 00:30:45,008 Story are very depressing, but there is a moment where this story takes flight. 882 00:30:45,010 --> 00:30:46,543 There is a moment where this story takes flight. And you have to hang in there 883 00:30:46,545 --> 00:30:48,078 Story takes flight. And you have to hang in there with me until this moment and 884 00:30:48,080 --> 00:30:49,713 And you have to hang in there with me until this moment and trust me that the story's gonna 885 00:30:49,715 --> 00:30:52,382 With me until this moment and trust me that the story's gonna get good. 886 00:30:52,384 --> 00:30:53,584 Trust me that the story's gonna get good. I grew up at number 3 887 00:30:53,586 --> 00:30:55,052 Get good. I grew up at number 3 turramurra street. 888 00:30:55,054 --> 00:30:57,354 I grew up at number 3 turramurra street. At number 5 was my two best 889 00:30:57,356 --> 00:30:59,790 Turramurra street. At number 5 was my two best childhood friends, andrew and 890 00:30:59,792 --> 00:31:01,859 At number 5 was my two best childhood friends, andrew and daniel connor. 891 00:31:01,861 --> 00:31:03,260 Childhood friends, andrew and daniel connor. Daniel was born with a disease 892 00:31:03,262 --> 00:31:04,461 Daniel connor. Daniel was born with a disease called muscular dystrophy. 893 00:31:04,463 --> 00:31:05,929 Daniel was born with a disease called muscular dystrophy. If you don't know what muscular 894 00:31:05,931 --> 00:31:07,297 Called muscular dystrophy. If you don't know what muscular dystrophy is, it's a horrible 895 00:31:07,299 --> 00:31:08,765 If you don't know what muscular dystrophy is, it's a horrible disease that wastes away at your 896 00:31:08,767 --> 00:31:09,299 Dystrophy is, it's a horrible disease that wastes away at your muscles. 897 00:31:09,301 --> 00:31:10,667 Disease that wastes away at your muscles. It's the same as lou gehrig's 898 00:31:10,669 --> 00:31:12,102 Muscles. It's the same as lou gehrig's disease or motor neuron disease, 899 00:31:12,104 --> 00:31:14,571 It's the same as lou gehrig's disease or motor neuron disease, except you're born with it. 900 00:31:14,573 --> 00:31:16,039 Disease or motor neuron disease, except you're born with it. You get diagnosed when you're 901 00:31:16,041 --> 00:31:17,541 Except you're born with it. You get diagnosed when you're about 6 years old, when you're 902 00:31:17,543 --> 00:31:19,042 You get diagnosed when you're about 6 years old, when you're not walking right and they put 903 00:31:19,044 --> 00:31:20,377 About 6 years old, when you're not walking right and they put you on crutches. 904 00:31:20,379 --> 00:31:22,179 Not walking right and they put you on crutches. By the time you're 10, you're in 905 00:31:22,181 --> 00:31:23,080 You on crutches. By the time you're 10, you're in a wheelchair. 906 00:31:23,082 --> 00:31:24,882 By the time you're 10, you're in a wheelchair. By the time you're 20, you're in 907 00:31:24,884 --> 00:31:26,583 A wheelchair. By the time you're 20, you're in a completely vegetative state. 908 00:31:26,585 --> 00:31:27,985 By the time you're 20, you're in a completely vegetative state. Most people die before their 909 00:31:27,987 --> 00:31:29,953 A completely vegetative state. Most people die before their 25th birthday. 910 00:31:29,955 --> 00:31:32,656 Most people die before their 25th birthday. Dan's lived to be 33 years old, 911 00:31:32,658 --> 00:31:35,325 25th birthday. Dan's lived to be 33 years old, still alive and kicking. 912 00:31:35,327 --> 00:31:38,996 Dan's lived to be 33 years old, still alive and kicking. Let me rephrase that -- 913 00:31:38,998 --> 00:31:40,664 Still alive and kicking. Let me rephrase that -- Still alive. 914 00:31:40,666 --> 00:31:43,033 Let me rephrase that -- Still alive. [ Scattered applause ] 915 00:31:43,035 --> 00:31:44,701 Still alive. [ Scattered applause ] he's actually died seven times 916 00:31:44,703 --> 00:31:45,903 [ Scattered applause ] he's actually died seven times in his life and been 917 00:31:45,905 --> 00:31:47,871 He's actually died seven times in his life and been resuscitated -- Seven. 918 00:31:47,873 --> 00:31:49,406 In his life and been resuscitated -- Seven. And i once asked him -- I said, 919 00:31:49,408 --> 00:31:50,841 Resuscitated -- Seven. And i once asked him -- I said, "dan, what happens after you 920 00:31:50,843 --> 00:31:51,275 And i once asked him -- I said, "dan, what happens after you die?" 921 00:31:51,277 --> 00:31:54,778 "Dan, what happens after you die?" And he said, "nothing." 922 00:31:54,780 --> 00:31:56,413 Die?" And he said, "nothing." So, good luck with your religion 923 00:31:56,415 --> 00:31:59,583 And he said, "nothing." So, good luck with your religion and your faith. 924 00:31:59,585 --> 00:32:04,221 So, good luck with your religion and your faith. I'll take an actual statistic. 925 00:32:04,223 --> 00:32:05,956 And your faith. I'll take an actual statistic. Now, his family had since moved 926 00:32:05,958 --> 00:32:08,125 I'll take an actual statistic. Now, his family had since moved to melbourne. 927 00:32:08,127 --> 00:32:09,326 Now, his family had since moved to melbourne. I had moved to great britain. 928 00:32:09,328 --> 00:32:10,060 To melbourne. I had moved to great britain. I went to do the 929 00:32:10,062 --> 00:32:11,161 I had moved to great britain. I went to do the melbourne comedy festival. 930 00:32:11,163 --> 00:32:12,462 I went to do the melbourne comedy festival. This was about a year ago. 931 00:32:12,464 --> 00:32:14,164 Melbourne comedy festival. This was about a year ago. I hadn't seen him in all that 932 00:32:14,166 --> 00:32:14,665 This was about a year ago. I hadn't seen him in all that time. 933 00:32:14,667 --> 00:32:16,433 I hadn't seen him in all that time. His brother andrew came to see 934 00:32:16,435 --> 00:32:18,302 Time. His brother andrew came to see my show, and then andrew took me 935 00:32:18,304 --> 00:32:19,102 His brother andrew came to see my show, and then andrew took me to see dan. 936 00:32:19,104 --> 00:32:20,304 My show, and then andrew took me to see dan. And i went in to see him, and 937 00:32:20,306 --> 00:32:21,605 To see dan. And i went in to see him, and i'd never seen anyone live this 938 00:32:21,607 --> 00:32:22,606 And i went in to see him, and i'd never seen anyone live this long with this disease. 939 00:32:22,608 --> 00:32:23,674 I'd never seen anyone live this long with this disease. And he's laying on a bed. 940 00:32:23,676 --> 00:32:25,342 Long with this disease. And he's laying on a bed. His eyelids are a muscle that he 941 00:32:25,344 --> 00:32:26,810 And he's laying on a bed. His eyelids are a muscle that he can't keep open anymore, and 942 00:32:26,812 --> 00:32:28,245 His eyelids are a muscle that he can't keep open anymore, and he's just squinting through 943 00:32:28,247 --> 00:32:29,780 Can't keep open anymore, and he's just squinting through these little things and has a 944 00:32:29,782 --> 00:32:31,248 He's just squinting through these little things and has a breathing mask on him to keep 945 00:32:31,250 --> 00:32:32,816 These little things and has a breathing mask on him to keep his lungs working because the 946 00:32:32,818 --> 00:32:34,484 Breathing mask on him to keep his lungs working because the lungs are a muscle that he can't 947 00:32:34,486 --> 00:32:35,252 His lungs working because the lungs are a muscle that he can't keep pumping. 948 00:32:35,254 --> 00:32:36,653 Lungs are a muscle that he can't keep pumping. He has a heart-Monitoring 949 00:32:36,655 --> 00:32:38,322 Keep pumping. He has a heart-Monitoring machine in case he flatlines in 950 00:32:38,324 --> 00:32:39,790 He has a heart-Monitoring machine in case he flatlines in the middle of the night and 951 00:32:39,792 --> 00:32:41,425 Machine in case he flatlines in the middle of the night and someone has to resuscitate him. 952 00:32:41,427 --> 00:32:43,226 The middle of the night and someone has to resuscitate him. And as soon as i walked in and 953 00:32:43,228 --> 00:32:45,028 Someone has to resuscitate him. And as soon as i walked in and saw this guy that i used to run 954 00:32:45,030 --> 00:32:46,897 And as soon as i walked in and saw this guy that i used to run around with as a child, i burst 955 00:32:46,899 --> 00:32:48,365 Saw this guy that i used to run around with as a child, i burst into tears. 956 00:32:48,367 --> 00:32:49,566 Around with as a child, i burst into tears. There's nothing worse you can 957 00:32:49,568 --> 00:32:50,867 Into tears. There's nothing worse you can give anyone in this world than 958 00:32:50,869 --> 00:32:52,636 There's nothing worse you can give anyone in this world than pity, you know? 959 00:32:52,638 --> 00:32:54,037 Give anyone in this world than pity, you know? I went in the corridor. 960 00:32:54,039 --> 00:32:55,706 Pity, you know? I went in the corridor. I felt like a right prick. 961 00:32:55,708 --> 00:32:57,441 I went in the corridor. I felt like a right prick. And i was fucking wiping my eyes 962 00:32:57,443 --> 00:32:59,042 I felt like a right prick. And i was fucking wiping my eyes off. 963 00:32:59,044 --> 00:33:00,711 And i was fucking wiping my eyes off. And i went back in and i sat 964 00:33:00,713 --> 00:33:02,546 Off. And i went back in and i sat with dan, and his brother andrew 965 00:33:02,548 --> 00:33:03,680 And i went back in and i sat with dan, and his brother andrew went off to work. 966 00:33:03,682 --> 00:33:05,415 With dan, and his brother andrew went off to work. And me and dan chatted for 967 00:33:05,417 --> 00:33:07,084 Went off to work. And me and dan chatted for a while. 968 00:33:07,086 --> 00:33:08,618 And me and dan chatted for a while. 20 minutes into the 969 00:33:08,620 --> 00:33:10,754 A while. 20 minutes into the conversation, dan says to me, 970 00:33:10,756 --> 00:33:14,291 20 minutes into the conversation, dan says to me, "jim, i'm 32 years old. 971 00:33:14,293 --> 00:33:16,493 Conversation, dan says to me, "jim, i'm 32 years old. I've never been with a woman. 972 00:33:16,495 --> 00:33:17,627 "Jim, i'm 32 years old. I've never been with a woman. Will you take me to a 973 00:33:17,629 --> 00:33:18,729 I've never been with a woman. Will you take me to a prostitute?" 974 00:33:18,731 --> 00:33:20,764 Will you take me to a prostitute?" And that's where the story picks 975 00:33:20,766 --> 00:33:22,766 Prostitute?" And that's where the story picks up, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause 976 00:33:22,768 --> 00:33:24,868 And that's where the story picks up, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause i went, "fuck, yeah!" 977 00:33:24,870 --> 00:33:26,203 Up, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause i went, "fuck, yeah!" And he went, "but don't tell my 978 00:33:26,205 --> 00:33:26,670 I went, "fuck, yeah!" And he went, "but don't tell my brother. 979 00:33:26,672 --> 00:33:27,671 And he went, "but don't tell my brother. He wouldn't understand." 980 00:33:27,673 --> 00:33:29,106 Brother. He wouldn't understand." And i said, "that's where you're 981 00:33:29,108 --> 00:33:29,473 He wouldn't understand." And i said, "that's where you're wrong. 982 00:33:29,475 --> 00:33:30,640 And i said, "that's where you're wrong. I've known your brother my 983 00:33:30,642 --> 00:33:31,274 Wrong. I've known your brother my entire life. 984 00:33:31,276 --> 00:33:32,976 I've known your brother my entire life. Trust me -- He will understand." 985 00:33:32,978 --> 00:33:34,311 Entire life. Trust me -- He will understand." And against dan's will, when 986 00:33:34,313 --> 00:33:35,746 Trust me -- He will understand." And against dan's will, when andrew came home from work, i 987 00:33:35,748 --> 00:33:37,114 And against dan's will, when andrew came home from work, i pulled andrew aside and said, 988 00:33:37,116 --> 00:33:38,582 Andrew came home from work, i pulled andrew aside and said, "andrew, look, here's the deal. 989 00:33:38,584 --> 00:33:39,916 Pulled andrew aside and said, "andrew, look, here's the deal. Dan's asked me to take him to 990 00:33:39,918 --> 00:33:40,584 "Andrew, look, here's the deal. Dan's asked me to take him to a prostitute. 991 00:33:40,586 --> 00:33:42,019 Dan's asked me to take him to a prostitute. I'm gonna do it whether you like 992 00:33:42,021 --> 00:33:43,387 A prostitute. I'm gonna do it whether you like it or not, but i think, as his 993 00:33:43,389 --> 00:33:44,688 I'm gonna do it whether you like it or not, but i think, as his brother, you should come along 994 00:33:44,690 --> 00:33:45,422 It or not, but i think, as his brother, you should come along and help out." 995 00:33:45,424 --> 00:33:47,057 Brother, you should come along and help out." And andrew went, "we're not 996 00:33:47,059 --> 00:33:47,858 And help out." And andrew went, "we're not doing it." 997 00:33:47,860 --> 00:33:49,026 And andrew went, "we're not doing it." And i went, "why?" 998 00:33:49,028 --> 00:33:50,827 Doing it." And i went, "why?" And he went, "it'll kill him." 999 00:33:50,829 --> 00:33:52,162 And i went, "why?" And he went, "it'll kill him." And i went -- 1000 00:33:52,164 --> 00:33:57,067 And he went, "it'll kill him." And i went -- [ Exhales heavily ] 1001 00:33:57,069 --> 00:33:58,935 And i went -- [ Exhales heavily ] "he's gonna die soon anyway. 1002 00:33:58,937 --> 00:34:00,704 [ Exhales heavily ] "he's gonna die soon anyway. This is a good way for him to 1003 00:34:00,706 --> 00:34:01,138 "He's gonna die soon anyway. This is a good way for him to go. 1004 00:34:01,140 --> 00:34:03,073 This is a good way for him to go. Like, sure, we'll have to answer 1005 00:34:03,075 --> 00:34:07,511 Go. Like, sure, we'll have to answer a few questions." 1006 00:34:07,513 --> 00:34:08,844 Like, sure, we'll have to answer a few questions." And he said, "we're not doing 1007 00:34:08,847 --> 00:34:09,146 A few questions." And he said, "we're not doing it." 1008 00:34:09,148 --> 00:34:10,047 And he said, "we're not doing it." And i said, "why?" 1009 00:34:10,049 --> 00:34:11,415 It." And i said, "why?" And he goes, "'cause mom doesn't 1010 00:34:11,417 --> 00:34:13,516 And i said, "why?" And he goes, "'cause mom doesn't like you already!" 1011 00:34:13,518 --> 00:34:15,485 And he goes, "'cause mom doesn't like you already!" And i went, "your mom's never 1012 00:34:15,487 --> 00:34:16,620 Like you already!" And i went, "your mom's never liked me! 1013 00:34:16,621 --> 00:34:18,155 And i went, "your mom's never liked me! That's why i'm the right guy to 1014 00:34:18,157 --> 00:34:21,891 Liked me! That's why i'm the right guy to kill your brother!" 1015 00:34:21,893 --> 00:34:23,159 That's why i'm the right guy to kill your brother!" And he said, "all right, we'll 1016 00:34:23,161 --> 00:34:24,327 Kill your brother!" And he said, "all right, we'll do it, but he can't have full 1017 00:34:24,329 --> 00:34:24,628 And he said, "all right, we'll do it, but he can't have full sex. 1018 00:34:24,630 --> 00:34:26,263 Do it, but he can't have full sex. Full sex will kill him. 1019 00:34:26,264 --> 00:34:27,998 Sex. Full sex will kill him. He can only have a blowjob." 1020 00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:29,498 Full sex will kill him. He can only have a blowjob." And i thought that was fairly 1021 00:34:29,501 --> 00:34:30,967 He can only have a blowjob." And i thought that was fairly reasonable. 1022 00:34:30,969 --> 00:34:33,170 And i thought that was fairly reasonable. So, we went back in and saw dan. 1023 00:34:33,172 --> 00:34:34,638 Reasonable. So, we went back in and saw dan. He was where we left him. 1024 00:34:34,639 --> 00:34:40,177 So, we went back in and saw dan. He was where we left him. And we said... 1025 00:34:40,179 --> 00:34:42,712 He was where we left him. And we said... "dan, here's the deal -- I know 1026 00:34:42,714 --> 00:34:43,914 And we said... "dan, here's the deal -- I know you told me not to tell your 1027 00:34:43,916 --> 00:34:45,047 "Dan, here's the deal -- I know you told me not to tell your brother, but i told your 1028 00:34:45,050 --> 00:34:45,514 You told me not to tell your brother, but i told your brother. 1029 00:34:45,516 --> 00:34:46,817 Brother, but i told your brother. Me and him are both gonna take 1030 00:34:46,819 --> 00:34:48,185 Brother. Me and him are both gonna take you to the knock shop tomorrow, 1031 00:34:48,187 --> 00:34:49,820 Me and him are both gonna take you to the knock shop tomorrow, mate, but you can't have full 1032 00:34:49,822 --> 00:34:50,253 You to the knock shop tomorrow, mate, but you can't have full sex. 1033 00:34:50,255 --> 00:34:51,955 Mate, but you can't have full sex. You can only have a blowjob." 1034 00:34:51,956 --> 00:34:53,989 Sex. You can only have a blowjob." And dan went, "i want full sex." 1035 00:34:53,992 --> 00:34:55,425 You can only have a blowjob." And dan went, "i want full sex." And his brother andrew went, 1036 00:34:55,427 --> 00:34:57,694 And dan went, "i want full sex." And his brother andrew went, "dan, you're in no position to 1037 00:34:57,696 --> 00:35:00,597 And his brother andrew went, "dan, you're in no position to argue with anyone, ever." 1038 00:35:00,599 --> 00:35:02,799 "Dan, you're in no position to argue with anyone, ever." Then dan reluctantly agreed. 1039 00:35:02,801 --> 00:35:05,869 Argue with anyone, ever." Then dan reluctantly agreed. Now, prostitution in australia 1040 00:35:05,871 --> 00:35:07,637 Then dan reluctantly agreed. Now, prostitution in australia is legal, so i spent the rest of 1041 00:35:07,639 --> 00:35:09,339 Now, prostitution in australia is legal, so i spent the rest of the afternoon going through the 1042 00:35:09,341 --> 00:35:10,874 Is legal, so i spent the rest of the afternoon going through the phonebook, trying to find a 1043 00:35:10,876 --> 00:35:13,743 The afternoon going through the phonebook, trying to find a brothel with wheelchair access. 1044 00:35:13,745 --> 00:35:18,081 Phonebook, trying to find a brothel with wheelchair access. Best afternoon ever! 1045 00:35:18,083 --> 00:35:20,517 Brothel with wheelchair access. Best afternoon ever! [ Scattered applause ] 1046 00:35:20,519 --> 00:35:21,918 Best afternoon ever! [ Scattered applause ] eventually, i found one, the 1047 00:35:21,920 --> 00:35:23,520 [ Scattered applause ] eventually, i found one, the biggest brothel in the southern 1048 00:35:23,522 --> 00:35:24,988 Eventually, i found one, the biggest brothel in the southern hemisphere, the daily planet, 1049 00:35:24,990 --> 00:35:26,556 Biggest brothel in the southern hemisphere, the daily planet, or, as the australians call it, 1050 00:35:26,558 --> 00:35:29,826 Hemisphere, the daily planet, or, as the australians call it, "four floors of whores." 1051 00:35:29,828 --> 00:35:32,195 Or, as the australians call it, "four floors of whores." It's a 24-Hour brothel because 1052 00:35:32,197 --> 00:35:35,098 "Four floors of whores." It's a 24-Hour brothel because australia's a go-Ahead country. 1053 00:35:35,100 --> 00:35:36,766 It's a 24-Hour brothel because australia's a go-Ahead country. So, we decided we were gonna go 1054 00:35:36,768 --> 00:35:38,201 Australia's a go-Ahead country. So, we decided we were gonna go early in the morning, like 1055 00:35:38,203 --> 00:35:39,769 So, we decided we were gonna go early in the morning, like really early, like 6:00 a.M. 1056 00:35:39,771 --> 00:35:41,204 Early in the morning, like really early, like 6:00 a.M. We wanted to go in when the 1057 00:35:41,206 --> 00:35:42,739 Really early, like 6:00 a.M. We wanted to go in when the place was quiet and we weren't 1058 00:35:42,741 --> 00:35:44,574 We wanted to go in when the place was quiet and we weren't gonna cause a scene. 1059 00:35:44,576 --> 00:35:46,042 Place was quiet and we weren't gonna cause a scene. So, we wake him up at 6:00 in 1060 00:35:46,044 --> 00:35:46,810 Gonna cause a scene. So, we wake him up at 6:00 in the morning. 1061 00:35:46,812 --> 00:35:48,411 So, we wake him up at 6:00 in the morning. It's hard to tell if he's awake. 1062 00:35:48,413 --> 00:35:53,049 The morning. It's hard to tell if he's awake. And we get him in his chair. 1063 00:35:53,051 --> 00:35:54,417 It's hard to tell if he's awake. And we get him in his chair. Now, he hasn't got your 1064 00:35:54,419 --> 00:35:56,219 And we get him in his chair. Now, he hasn't got your bog-Standard fucking wheelchair. 1065 00:35:56,221 --> 00:35:57,921 Now, he hasn't got your bog-Standard fucking wheelchair. He's got one of those big sort 1066 00:35:57,923 --> 00:35:59,589 Bog-Standard fucking wheelchair. He's got one of those big sort of silver-Looking things with 1067 00:35:59,591 --> 00:36:01,591 He's got one of those big sort of silver-Looking things with the truck tires on it. 1068 00:36:01,593 --> 00:36:02,959 Of silver-Looking things with the truck tires on it. I think the model's called a 1069 00:36:02,961 --> 00:36:04,027 The truck tires on it. I think the model's called a hawking. 1070 00:36:04,029 --> 00:36:08,965 I think the model's called a hawking. And even though his muscles 1071 00:36:08,967 --> 00:36:10,467 Hawking. And even though his muscles don't work, they get sore. 1072 00:36:10,469 --> 00:36:12,235 And even though his muscles don't work, they get sore. So, this thing can move him from 1073 00:36:12,237 --> 00:36:13,937 Don't work, they get sore. So, this thing can move him from side to side and back to front 1074 00:36:13,939 --> 00:36:15,372 So, this thing can move him from side to side and back to front and even into a full bed. 1075 00:36:15,374 --> 00:36:16,773 Side to side and back to front and even into a full bed. So, we get him in the chair. 1076 00:36:16,775 --> 00:36:18,074 And even into a full bed. So, we get him in the chair. Then we order a taxi. 1077 00:36:18,076 --> 00:36:19,476 So, we get him in the chair. Then we order a taxi. And then -- It's not like you 1078 00:36:19,478 --> 00:36:20,777 Then we order a taxi. And then -- It's not like you have black cabs out there. 1079 00:36:20,779 --> 00:36:23,013 And then -- It's not like you have black cabs out there. It's like a normal car, but 1080 00:36:23,015 --> 00:36:25,482 Have black cabs out there. It's like a normal car, but they've modified the back to go 1081 00:36:25,484 --> 00:36:27,851 It's like a normal car, but they've modified the back to go higher, and they drive him up 1082 00:36:27,853 --> 00:36:30,353 They've modified the back to go higher, and they drive him up through the boot and they strap 1083 00:36:30,355 --> 00:36:33,256 Higher, and they drive him up through the boot and they strap him in there and he sits up 1084 00:36:33,258 --> 00:36:35,125 Through the boot and they strap him in there and he sits up high, with windows all around 1085 00:36:35,127 --> 00:36:36,760 Him in there and he sits up high, with windows all around him, like a big, retarded 1086 00:36:36,762 --> 00:36:39,196 High, with windows all around him, like a big, retarded pope... 1087 00:36:39,198 --> 00:36:41,231 Him, like a big, retarded pope... or, as the catholics would say, 1088 00:36:41,233 --> 00:36:44,067 Pope... or, as the catholics would say, the pope. 1089 00:36:44,069 --> 00:36:46,703 Or, as the catholics would say, the pope. [ Applause ] 1090 00:36:46,705 --> 00:36:49,139 The pope. [ Applause ] and we drive up to the brothel. 1091 00:36:49,141 --> 00:36:50,907 [ Applause ] and we drive up to the brothel. Now, when we get to the brothel, 1092 00:36:50,909 --> 00:36:52,576 And we drive up to the brothel. Now, when we get to the brothel, it takes 10 minutes to get him 1093 00:36:52,578 --> 00:36:53,443 Now, when we get to the brothel, it takes 10 minutes to get him off the taxi. 1094 00:36:53,445 --> 00:36:54,945 It takes 10 minutes to get him off the taxi. I see this as my window of 1095 00:36:54,947 --> 00:36:56,580 Off the taxi. I see this as my window of opportunity, so while they're 1096 00:36:56,582 --> 00:36:58,281 I see this as my window of opportunity, so while they're getting him off the taxi, i run 1097 00:36:58,283 --> 00:36:59,349 Opportunity, so while they're getting him off the taxi, i run into the brothel. 1098 00:36:59,351 --> 00:37:00,984 Getting him off the taxi, i run into the brothel. Now, there's two ways that 1099 00:37:00,986 --> 00:37:01,985 Into the brothel. Now, there's two ways that brothels work. 1100 00:37:01,987 --> 00:37:03,687 Now, there's two ways that brothels work. Either the prostitutes will 1101 00:37:03,689 --> 00:37:05,622 Brothels work. Either the prostitutes will stand in a row in their lingerie 1102 00:37:05,624 --> 00:37:07,457 Either the prostitutes will stand in a row in their lingerie and you just pick the one that 1103 00:37:07,459 --> 00:37:09,092 Stand in a row in their lingerie and you just pick the one that you want, or they'll stand 1104 00:37:09,094 --> 00:37:11,061 And you just pick the one that you want, or they'll stand around in a bar in evening gowns 1105 00:37:11,063 --> 00:37:12,896 You want, or they'll stand around in a bar in evening gowns and high heels and you walk up 1106 00:37:12,898 --> 00:37:14,631 Around in a bar in evening gowns and high heels and you walk up to the one that you like the 1107 00:37:14,633 --> 00:37:16,533 And high heels and you walk up to the one that you like the look of, chat to her for a bit, 1108 00:37:16,535 --> 00:37:18,501 To the one that you like the look of, chat to her for a bit, act like you've got some type of 1109 00:37:18,503 --> 00:37:20,136 Look of, chat to her for a bit, act like you've got some type of connection with an eastern 1110 00:37:20,138 --> 00:37:21,905 Act like you've got some type of connection with an eastern european woman, then take her 1111 00:37:21,907 --> 00:37:23,673 Connection with an eastern european woman, then take her upstairs and fuck her if you 1112 00:37:23,675 --> 00:37:25,242 European woman, then take her upstairs and fuck her if you need your life to be this 1113 00:37:25,244 --> 00:37:27,244 Upstairs and fuck her if you need your life to be this delusional. 1114 00:37:27,246 --> 00:37:29,079 Need your life to be this delusional. This is one of these situations. 1115 00:37:29,081 --> 00:37:30,747 Delusional. This is one of these situations. So, while they're getting dan 1116 00:37:30,749 --> 00:37:32,449 This is one of these situations. So, while they're getting dan out of the cab, i run into the 1117 00:37:32,451 --> 00:37:33,950 So, while they're getting dan out of the cab, i run into the brothel and go, "everyone, 1118 00:37:33,952 --> 00:37:37,654 Out of the cab, i run into the brothel and go, "everyone, quickly, gather 'round! 1119 00:37:37,656 --> 00:37:40,690 Brothel and go, "everyone, quickly, gather 'round! I haven't got much time!" 1120 00:37:40,692 --> 00:37:42,425 Quickly, gather 'round! I haven't got much time!" And these 14 bemused hookers 1121 00:37:42,427 --> 00:37:44,027 I haven't got much time!" And these 14 bemused hookers shuffle over, and i went, 1122 00:37:44,029 --> 00:37:47,964 And these 14 bemused hookers shuffle over, and i went, "look -- Here's the deal. 1123 00:37:47,966 --> 00:37:50,267 Shuffle over, and i went, "look -- Here's the deal. I have a severely disabled 1124 00:37:50,269 --> 00:37:51,334 "Look -- Here's the deal. I have a severely disabled friend with me. 1125 00:37:51,336 --> 00:37:53,570 I have a severely disabled friend with me. If you're not up for it, speak 1126 00:37:53,572 --> 00:37:57,173 Friend with me. If you're not up for it, speak now or forever hold your peace." 1127 00:37:57,175 --> 00:37:59,009 If you're not up for it, speak now or forever hold your peace." And one of them went, "how bad 1128 00:37:59,011 --> 00:37:59,609 Now or forever hold your peace." And one of them went, "how bad is he?" 1129 00:37:59,611 --> 00:38:05,448 And one of them went, "how bad is he?" And i went, "[ chuckles ] 1130 00:38:05,450 --> 00:38:08,051 Is he?" And i went, "[ chuckles ] pretty fucking bad." 1131 00:38:08,053 --> 00:38:09,352 And i went, "[ chuckles ] pretty fucking bad." And 10 of them said they 1132 00:38:09,354 --> 00:38:10,787 Pretty fucking bad." And 10 of them said they wouldn't do it, and i said, 1133 00:38:10,789 --> 00:38:13,356 And 10 of them said they wouldn't do it, and i said, "well, i respect that, but can 1134 00:38:13,358 --> 00:38:14,758 Wouldn't do it, and i said, "well, i respect that, but can you please go and hide? 1135 00:38:14,760 --> 00:38:15,925 "Well, i respect that, but can you please go and hide? Because i don't want him to be 1136 00:38:15,927 --> 00:38:19,095 You please go and hide? Because i don't want him to be rejected by hookers." 1137 00:38:19,097 --> 00:38:21,064 Because i don't want him to be rejected by hookers." And these 10 girls shuffle away 1138 00:38:21,066 --> 00:38:23,066 Rejected by hookers." And these 10 girls shuffle away in their evening gowns and their 1139 00:38:23,068 --> 00:38:24,734 And these 10 girls shuffle away in their evening gowns and their high heels, with gonorrhea 1140 00:38:24,736 --> 00:38:27,937 In their evening gowns and their high heels, with gonorrhea falling out of them. 1141 00:38:27,939 --> 00:38:29,773 High heels, with gonorrhea falling out of them. I am now left with four girls. 1142 00:38:29,775 --> 00:38:31,508 Falling out of them. I am now left with four girls. The best-Looking one by a mile 1143 00:38:31,510 --> 00:38:32,208 I am now left with four girls. The best-Looking one by a mile stays. 1144 00:38:32,210 --> 00:38:33,943 The best-Looking one by a mile stays. Dan wheels in, looking like 1145 00:38:33,945 --> 00:38:35,779 Stays. Dan wheels in, looking like jabba the hut, breathing like 1146 00:38:35,781 --> 00:38:37,714 Dan wheels in, looking like jabba the hut, breathing like darth vader. 1147 00:38:37,716 --> 00:38:39,249 Jabba the hut, breathing like darth vader. Two of the girls run away, and 1148 00:38:39,251 --> 00:38:40,550 Darth vader. Two of the girls run away, and i'm like, "are you fucking 1149 00:38:40,552 --> 00:38:43,453 Two of the girls run away, and i'm like, "are you fucking kidding, you sluts? 1150 00:38:43,455 --> 00:38:46,990 I'm like, "are you fucking kidding, you sluts? I just asked you nicely." 1151 00:38:46,992 --> 00:38:48,358 Kidding, you sluts? I just asked you nicely." So we're now left with two 1152 00:38:48,360 --> 00:38:49,259 I just asked you nicely." So we're now left with two girls. 1153 00:38:49,261 --> 00:38:50,994 So we're now left with two girls. The best-Looking one's there. 1154 00:38:50,996 --> 00:38:54,164 Girls. The best-Looking one's there. The other one's a fucking troll. 1155 00:38:54,166 --> 00:38:56,266 The best-Looking one's there. The other one's a fucking troll. Now, out of respect for the ugly 1156 00:38:56,268 --> 00:38:58,902 The other one's a fucking troll. Now, out of respect for the ugly one, i go to dan -- I go, "dan, 1157 00:38:58,904 --> 00:39:01,438 Now, out of respect for the ugly one, i go to dan -- I go, "dan, there's only two girls working 1158 00:39:01,440 --> 00:39:05,175 One, i go to dan -- I go, "dan, there's only two girls working today, mate. 1159 00:39:05,177 --> 00:39:07,277 There's only two girls working today, mate. Which one do you want?" 1160 00:39:07,279 --> 00:39:08,511 Today, mate. Which one do you want?" And he said, "the one in the 1161 00:39:08,513 --> 00:39:09,979 Which one do you want?" And he said, "the one in the green dress." 1162 00:39:09,981 --> 00:39:12,482 And he said, "the one in the green dress." Now, neither of them had a 1163 00:39:12,484 --> 00:39:15,385 Green dress." Now, neither of them had a green dress. 1164 00:39:15,387 --> 00:39:16,753 Now, neither of them had a green dress. I stand up and look at andrew 1165 00:39:16,755 --> 00:39:18,188 Green dress. I stand up and look at andrew and went, "what the fuck is all 1166 00:39:18,190 --> 00:39:18,888 I stand up and look at andrew and went, "what the fuck is all this about?" 1167 00:39:18,890 --> 00:39:21,057 And went, "what the fuck is all this about?" And andrew went, "oh, yeah, his 1168 00:39:21,059 --> 00:39:23,660 This about?" And andrew went, "oh, yeah, his eyes are fucked, as well." 1169 00:39:23,662 --> 00:39:25,095 And andrew went, "oh, yeah, his eyes are fucked, as well." Now, it turns out that dan's 1170 00:39:25,097 --> 00:39:25,729 Eyes are fucked, as well." Now, it turns out that dan's colorblind. 1171 00:39:25,731 --> 00:39:27,263 Now, it turns out that dan's colorblind. It's not part of the condition. 1172 00:39:27,265 --> 00:39:32,669 Colorblind. It's not part of the condition. It's just unfortunate. 1173 00:39:32,671 --> 00:39:39,109 It's not part of the condition. It's just unfortunate. So...i sat with the hooker. 1174 00:39:39,111 --> 00:39:40,543 It's just unfortunate. So...i sat with the hooker. Now, i'm gonna pay for 1175 00:39:40,545 --> 00:39:44,180 So...i sat with the hooker. Now, i'm gonna pay for everything. 1176 00:39:44,182 --> 00:39:45,448 Now, i'm gonna pay for everything. Now, the reason i'm gonna pay 1177 00:39:45,450 --> 00:39:47,117 Everything. Now, the reason i'm gonna pay for everything is simple. 1178 00:39:47,119 --> 00:39:48,852 Now, the reason i'm gonna pay for everything is simple. I told dan and andrew that i 1179 00:39:48,854 --> 00:39:50,587 For everything is simple. I told dan and andrew that i would pay for everything, as 1180 00:39:50,589 --> 00:39:52,522 I told dan and andrew that i would pay for everything, as long as i got to tell this story 1181 00:39:52,524 --> 00:39:54,224 Would pay for everything, as long as i got to tell this story to hundreds of thousands of 1182 00:39:54,226 --> 00:39:56,292 Long as i got to tell this story to hundreds of thousands of people in the future. 1183 00:39:56,294 --> 00:39:58,294 To hundreds of thousands of people in the future. And they said, "of course you 1184 00:39:58,296 --> 00:40:00,397 People in the future. And they said, "of course you can, jim, but be respectful and 1185 00:40:00,399 --> 00:40:02,565 And they said, "of course you can, jim, but be respectful and change our names," which sounds 1186 00:40:02,567 --> 00:40:04,734 Can, jim, but be respectful and change our names," which sounds like the right thing to do, now, 1187 00:40:04,736 --> 00:40:07,504 Change our names," which sounds like the right thing to do, now, doesn't it? 1188 00:40:07,506 --> 00:40:09,139 Like the right thing to do, now, doesn't it? Now, i haven't changed their 1189 00:40:09,141 --> 00:40:11,040 Doesn't it? Now, i haven't changed their names. 1190 00:40:11,042 --> 00:40:13,109 Now, i haven't changed their names. Their names are andrew and 1191 00:40:13,111 --> 00:40:15,311 Names. Their names are andrew and daniel connor from st kilda, 1192 00:40:15,313 --> 00:40:18,047 Their names are andrew and daniel connor from st kilda, melbourne, australia. 1193 00:40:18,049 --> 00:40:19,582 Daniel connor from st kilda, melbourne, australia. I would have liked to have 1194 00:40:19,584 --> 00:40:20,784 Melbourne, australia. I would have liked to have changed their names. 1195 00:40:20,786 --> 00:40:22,419 I would have liked to have changed their names. It is the right thing to do. 1196 00:40:22,421 --> 00:40:24,421 Changed their names. It is the right thing to do. But i look at this way -- Even 1197 00:40:24,423 --> 00:40:26,322 It is the right thing to do. But i look at this way -- Even if i changed their names and 1198 00:40:26,324 --> 00:40:28,324 But i look at this way -- Even if i changed their names and their parents started watching 1199 00:40:28,326 --> 00:40:30,326 If i changed their names and their parents started watching my comedy, they'd be like, "my 1200 00:40:30,328 --> 00:40:32,429 Their parents started watching my comedy, they'd be like, "my word, doesn't 'randy' and 1201 00:40:32,431 --> 00:40:37,500 My comedy, they'd be like, "my word, doesn't 'randy' and 'steve' sound like our kids? 1202 00:40:37,502 --> 00:40:39,402 Word, doesn't 'randy' and 'steve' sound like our kids? Didn't jim grow up with a lot of 1203 00:40:39,404 --> 00:40:47,477 'Steve' sound like our kids? Didn't jim grow up with a lot of people with muscular dystrophy?" 1204 00:40:47,479 --> 00:40:49,012 Didn't jim grow up with a lot of people with muscular dystrophy?" So, i sat there with the hooker, 1205 00:40:49,014 --> 00:40:50,413 People with muscular dystrophy?" So, i sat there with the hooker, and i said, "how much for the 1206 00:40:50,415 --> 00:40:51,080 So, i sat there with the hooker, and i said, "how much for the half-Hour?" 1207 00:40:51,082 --> 00:40:52,148 And i said, "how much for the half-Hour?" And she said, "$180." 1208 00:40:52,150 --> 00:40:53,650 Half-Hour?" And she said, "$180." And i said, "i'll give you $250 1209 00:40:53,652 --> 00:40:55,318 And she said, "$180." And i said, "i'll give you $250 'cause i realize this is a 1210 00:40:55,320 --> 00:40:57,520 And i said, "i'll give you $250 'cause i realize this is a specialty thing you're doing." 1211 00:40:57,522 --> 00:40:58,788 'Cause i realize this is a specialty thing you're doing." And she goes, "i got one 1212 00:40:58,790 --> 00:41:00,256 Specialty thing you're doing." And she goes, "i got one question for you," and i said, 1213 00:41:00,258 --> 00:41:03,359 And she goes, "i got one question for you," and i said, "shoot," and she went... 1214 00:41:03,361 --> 00:41:06,162 Question for you," and i said, "shoot," and she went... "is he mentally retarded?" 1215 00:41:06,164 --> 00:41:13,870 "Shoot," and she went... "is he mentally retarded?" And i went... 1216 00:41:13,872 --> 00:41:16,239 "Is he mentally retarded?" And i went... "oh, yeah. 1217 00:41:16,241 --> 00:41:18,308 And i went... "oh, yeah. That's what i do. 1218 00:41:18,310 --> 00:41:21,344 "Oh, yeah. That's what i do. I find mentally retarded people 1219 00:41:21,346 --> 00:41:25,982 That's what i do. I find mentally retarded people and take them to prostitutes. 1220 00:41:25,984 --> 00:41:27,784 I find mentally retarded people and take them to prostitutes. I'll be masturbating in the 1221 00:41:27,786 --> 00:41:30,453 And take them to prostitutes. I'll be masturbating in the corner. 1222 00:41:30,455 --> 00:41:33,556 I'll be masturbating in the corner. He doesn't even know he's here." 1223 00:41:33,558 --> 00:41:35,225 Corner. He doesn't even know he's here." And she went, "okay, then, but 1224 00:41:35,227 --> 00:41:36,626 He doesn't even know he's here." And she went, "okay, then, but if there's two of you --" 1225 00:41:36,628 --> 00:41:40,129 And she went, "okay, then, but if there's two of you --" "No, he's not mentally retarded! 1226 00:41:40,131 --> 00:41:41,631 If there's two of you --" "No, he's not mentally retarded! It's his choice to come here! 1227 00:41:41,633 --> 00:41:42,832 "No, he's not mentally retarded! It's his choice to come here! There's a good chance he'll 1228 00:41:42,834 --> 00:41:46,002 It's his choice to come here! There's a good chance he'll die!" 1229 00:41:46,004 --> 00:41:47,537 There's a good chance he'll die!" And she went, "what am i meant 1230 00:41:47,539 --> 00:41:48,438 Die!" And she went, "what am i meant to do with him?" 1231 00:41:48,440 --> 00:41:50,807 And she went, "what am i meant to do with him?" And i went, "i don't know. 1232 00:41:50,809 --> 00:41:54,577 To do with him?" And i went, "i don't know. I've never been a hooker. 1233 00:41:54,579 --> 00:41:56,946 And i went, "i don't know. I've never been a hooker. But i'm thinking give him a bit 1234 00:41:56,948 --> 00:41:57,914 I've never been a hooker. But i'm thinking give him a bit of a show. 1235 00:41:57,916 --> 00:41:59,983 But i'm thinking give him a bit of a show. Dance it around a bit. 1236 00:41:59,985 --> 00:42:02,185 Of a show. Dance it around a bit. Rub your tits in his face. 1237 00:42:02,187 --> 00:42:04,521 Dance it around a bit. Rub your tits in his face. Then suck him off. 1238 00:42:04,523 --> 00:42:06,289 Rub your tits in his face. Then suck him off. But don't sit on him or fuck 1239 00:42:06,291 --> 00:42:07,790 Then suck him off. But don't sit on him or fuck him. 1240 00:42:07,792 --> 00:42:14,097 But don't sit on him or fuck him. It'll kill him." 1241 00:42:14,099 --> 00:42:15,532 Him. It'll kill him." So, we go up to the room, which, 1242 00:42:15,534 --> 00:42:16,799 It'll kill him." So, we go up to the room, which, thank god, was on the first 1243 00:42:16,801 --> 00:42:20,703 So, we go up to the room, which, thank god, was on the first floor. 1244 00:42:20,705 --> 00:42:22,705 Thank god, was on the first floor. And me and andrew look at dan 1245 00:42:22,707 --> 00:42:24,874 Floor. And me and andrew look at dan like two proud parents, watching 1246 00:42:24,876 --> 00:42:26,910 And me and andrew look at dan like two proud parents, watching our child go to school for the 1247 00:42:26,912 --> 00:42:34,083 Like two proud parents, watching our child go to school for the first time. 1248 00:42:34,085 --> 00:42:34,918 Our child go to school for the first time. And then we leave. 1249 00:42:34,920 --> 00:42:36,119 First time. And then we leave. And as we proceed to leave, i 1250 00:42:36,121 --> 00:42:37,320 And then we leave. And as we proceed to leave, i pat andrew on the back, and i 1251 00:42:37,322 --> 00:42:38,488 And as we proceed to leave, i pat andrew on the back, and i said, "andrew, you've been a 1252 00:42:38,490 --> 00:42:39,389 Pat andrew on the back, and i said, "andrew, you've been a good brother today." 1253 00:42:39,391 --> 00:42:40,490 Said, "andrew, you've been a good brother today." He said, "thanks, mate." 1254 00:42:40,492 --> 00:42:41,357 Good brother today." He said, "thanks, mate." Then we had a hug. 1255 00:42:41,359 --> 00:42:42,559 He said, "thanks, mate." Then we had a hug. And then we had that moment 1256 00:42:42,561 --> 00:42:43,826 Then we had a hug. And then we had that moment after our hug that australian 1257 00:42:43,828 --> 00:42:45,194 And then we had that moment after our hug that australian men have, where we go, "ah, get 1258 00:42:45,196 --> 00:42:45,828 After our hug that australian men have, where we go, "ah, get out of here. 1259 00:42:45,830 --> 00:42:48,264 Men have, where we go, "ah, get out of here. What's wrong with ya?" 1260 00:42:48,266 --> 00:42:50,667 Out of here. What's wrong with ya?" And then i said, "hey, andrew, 1261 00:42:50,669 --> 00:42:52,402 What's wrong with ya?" And then i said, "hey, andrew, how does dan get his clothes 1262 00:42:52,404 --> 00:42:54,704 And then i said, "hey, andrew, how does dan get his clothes off?" 1263 00:42:54,706 --> 00:42:57,240 How does dan get his clothes off?" And andrew went... 1264 00:42:57,242 --> 00:42:59,442 Off?" And andrew went... "fuck!" 1265 00:42:59,444 --> 00:43:02,478 And andrew went... "fuck!" And we went back in. 1266 00:43:02,480 --> 00:43:03,746 "Fuck!" And we went back in. Andrew looks him up and down, 1267 00:43:03,748 --> 00:43:04,981 And we went back in. Andrew looks him up and down, and he turns to me and goes, 1268 00:43:04,983 --> 00:43:07,750 Andrew looks him up and down, and he turns to me and goes, "look -- He's very fragile. 1269 00:43:07,752 --> 00:43:09,152 And he turns to me and goes, "look -- He's very fragile. I know how he likes to be 1270 00:43:09,154 --> 00:43:10,587 "Look -- He's very fragile. I know how he likes to be picked up. 1271 00:43:10,589 --> 00:43:11,654 I know how he likes to be picked up. I'll lift him up. 1272 00:43:11,656 --> 00:43:13,923 Picked up. I'll lift him up. You take his pants off." 1273 00:43:13,925 --> 00:43:15,592 I'll lift him up. You take his pants off." Andrew gets behind, lifts him up 1274 00:43:15,594 --> 00:43:16,893 You take his pants off." Andrew gets behind, lifts him up by his armpits -- Like i 1275 00:43:16,895 --> 00:43:18,461 Andrew gets behind, lifts him up by his armpits -- Like i couldn't have figured out their 1276 00:43:18,463 --> 00:43:23,366 By his armpits -- Like i couldn't have figured out their magical hold. 1277 00:43:23,368 --> 00:43:25,201 Couldn't have figured out their magical hold. I'm on my knees taking dan's 1278 00:43:25,203 --> 00:43:26,636 Magical hold. I'm on my knees taking dan's track-Suit pants off. 1279 00:43:26,638 --> 00:43:28,705 I'm on my knees taking dan's track-Suit pants off. He always wore track-Suit pants, 1280 00:43:28,707 --> 00:43:30,273 Track-Suit pants off. He always wore track-Suit pants, never got into fashion. 1281 00:43:30,275 --> 00:43:32,642 He always wore track-Suit pants, never got into fashion. And as i'm taking his track-Suit 1282 00:43:32,644 --> 00:43:34,978 Never got into fashion. And as i'm taking his track-Suit pants off, what many of you are 1283 00:43:34,980 --> 00:43:37,146 And as i'm taking his track-Suit pants off, what many of you are wondering is, "can dan get an 1284 00:43:37,148 --> 00:43:40,149 Pants off, what many of you are wondering is, "can dan get an erection?" 1285 00:43:40,151 --> 00:43:43,019 Wondering is, "can dan get an erection?" And the answer is, "yes." 1286 00:43:43,021 --> 00:43:44,287 Erection?" And the answer is, "yes." Even though none of the muscles 1287 00:43:44,289 --> 00:43:45,521 And the answer is, "yes." Even though none of the muscles in his body work, the cock is 1288 00:43:45,523 --> 00:43:46,155 Even though none of the muscles in his body work, the cock is not a muscle. 1289 00:43:46,157 --> 00:43:47,323 In his body work, the cock is not a muscle. The cock is a bit of skin that 1290 00:43:47,325 --> 00:43:48,191 Not a muscle. The cock is a bit of skin that fills with blood. 1291 00:43:48,193 --> 00:43:49,959 The cock is a bit of skin that fills with blood. If he gets aroused up here, 1292 00:43:49,961 --> 00:43:51,594 Fills with blood. If he gets aroused up here, blood will rush to there. 1293 00:43:51,596 --> 00:43:55,865 If he gets aroused up here, blood will rush to there. Now, what nobody knew about this 1294 00:43:55,867 --> 00:43:59,402 Blood will rush to there. Now, what nobody knew about this 32-Year-Old virgin is that dan's 1295 00:43:59,404 --> 00:44:01,838 Now, what nobody knew about this 32-Year-Old virgin is that dan's packing heat! 1296 00:44:01,840 --> 00:44:04,307 32-Year-Old virgin is that dan's packing heat! I'm talking 9 1/2 inches of 1297 00:44:04,309 --> 00:44:06,843 Packing heat! I'm talking 9 1/2 inches of disabled misery. 1298 00:44:06,845 --> 00:44:08,378 I'm talking 9 1/2 inches of disabled misery. This cock's so fucking big, i 1299 00:44:08,380 --> 00:44:10,079 Disabled misery. This cock's so fucking big, i think that's why the rest of his 1300 00:44:10,081 --> 00:44:12,181 This cock's so fucking big, i think that's why the rest of his muscles didn't work. 1301 00:44:12,183 --> 00:44:13,650 Think that's why the rest of his muscles didn't work. I take the pants off. 1302 00:44:13,652 --> 00:44:15,585 Muscles didn't work. I take the pants off. This thing springs up and hits 1303 00:44:15,587 --> 00:44:17,553 I take the pants off. This thing springs up and hits me in the mouth. 1304 00:44:17,555 --> 00:44:32,502 Then the hooker goes, "let's do the light." Let's explain the light. 1305 00:44:32,504 --> 00:44:34,037 The light." Let's explain the light. When they legalized prostitution 1306 00:44:34,039 --> 00:44:35,238 Let's explain the light. When they legalized prostitution in australia, they didn't 1307 00:44:35,240 --> 00:44:36,506 When they legalized prostitution in australia, they didn't legalize it in all forms. 1308 00:44:36,508 --> 00:44:37,940 In australia, they didn't legalize it in all forms. For instance, you cannot get a 1309 00:44:37,942 --> 00:44:39,042 Legalize it in all forms. For instance, you cannot get a street-Walking hooker. 1310 00:44:39,044 --> 00:44:40,510 For instance, you cannot get a street-Walking hooker. You cannot get a prostitute to 1311 00:44:40,512 --> 00:44:41,377 Street-Walking hooker. You cannot get a prostitute to your hotel room. 1312 00:44:41,379 --> 00:44:42,879 You cannot get a prostitute to your hotel room. You can only go to a brothel, in 1313 00:44:42,881 --> 00:44:44,313 Your hotel room. You can only go to a brothel, in a safe environment, where they 1314 00:44:44,315 --> 00:44:45,782 You can only go to a brothel, in a safe environment, where they have security for the girls in 1315 00:44:45,784 --> 00:44:47,116 A safe environment, where they have security for the girls in case a man shows up being a 1316 00:44:47,118 --> 00:44:49,419 Have security for the girls in case a man shows up being a drunken dickhead or whatever. 1317 00:44:49,421 --> 00:44:51,154 Case a man shows up being a drunken dickhead or whatever. And also it's safer for the 1318 00:44:51,156 --> 00:44:52,855 Drunken dickhead or whatever. And also it's safer for the people that go to brothels 1319 00:44:52,857 --> 00:44:54,924 And also it's safer for the people that go to brothels because the girls get tested for 1320 00:44:54,926 --> 00:44:56,693 People that go to brothels because the girls get tested for stds every month. 1321 00:44:56,695 --> 00:44:59,495 Because the girls get tested for stds every month. So, arguably, you're better off 1322 00:44:59,497 --> 00:45:01,531 Stds every month. So, arguably, you're better off in australia fucking a 1323 00:45:01,533 --> 00:45:04,133 So, arguably, you're better off in australia fucking a prostitute than picking up a 1324 00:45:04,135 --> 00:45:05,601 In australia fucking a prostitute than picking up a girl in a bar. 1325 00:45:05,603 --> 00:45:07,503 Prostitute than picking up a girl in a bar. But i'm not gonna have that 1326 00:45:07,505 --> 00:45:10,239 Girl in a bar. But i'm not gonna have that conversation again. 1327 00:45:10,241 --> 00:45:12,975 But i'm not gonna have that conversation again. All my -- You try explaining 1328 00:45:12,977 --> 00:45:13,976 Conversation again. All my -- You try explaining that to a girlfriend. 1329 00:45:13,978 --> 00:45:19,215 All my -- You try explaining that to a girlfriend. It's a fucking minefield. 1330 00:45:19,217 --> 00:45:21,050 That to a girlfriend. It's a fucking minefield. But also they make it safe for 1331 00:45:21,052 --> 00:45:21,818 It's a fucking minefield. But also they make it safe for the girls. 1332 00:45:21,820 --> 00:45:23,619 But also they make it safe for the girls. If you're a guy who goes to a 1333 00:45:23,621 --> 00:45:25,455 The girls. If you're a guy who goes to a prostitute, you have to undergo 1334 00:45:25,457 --> 00:45:26,255 If you're a guy who goes to a prostitute, you have to undergo the light. 1335 00:45:26,257 --> 00:45:27,323 Prostitute, you have to undergo the light. Let's explain the light. 1336 00:45:27,325 --> 00:45:28,324 The light. Let's explain the light. It's very simple. 1337 00:45:28,326 --> 00:45:30,593 Let's explain the light. It's very simple. It sounds like what it is. 1338 00:45:30,595 --> 00:45:33,796 It's very simple. It sounds like what it is. You put your cock under a very 1339 00:45:33,798 --> 00:45:36,165 It sounds like what it is. You put your cock under a very bright light, and they look 1340 00:45:36,167 --> 00:45:38,501 You put your cock under a very bright light, and they look around the shaft to see if 1341 00:45:38,503 --> 00:45:40,703 Bright light, and they look around the shaft to see if there's anything untoward. 1342 00:45:40,705 --> 00:45:42,872 Around the shaft to see if there's anything untoward. Then they get a magnifying glass 1343 00:45:42,874 --> 00:45:44,874 There's anything untoward. Then they get a magnifying glass out, go through your pubes to 1344 00:45:44,876 --> 00:45:46,743 Then they get a magnifying glass out, go through your pubes to make sure nothing's running 1345 00:45:46,745 --> 00:45:50,279 Out, go through your pubes to make sure nothing's running around. 1346 00:45:50,281 --> 00:45:51,714 Make sure nothing's running around. It's not a big deal. 1347 00:45:51,716 --> 00:45:52,982 Around. It's not a big deal. I've been rejected heaps of 1348 00:45:52,984 --> 00:45:56,285 It's not a big deal. I've been rejected heaps of times. 1349 00:45:56,287 --> 00:45:58,254 I've been rejected heaps of times. Now, the chair's here. 1350 00:45:58,256 --> 00:45:59,822 Times. Now, the chair's here. There's a bed here. 1351 00:45:59,824 --> 00:46:01,624 Now, the chair's here. There's a bed here. There's a hot tub there. 1352 00:46:01,626 --> 00:46:03,025 There's a bed here. There's a hot tub there. The light's over there. 1353 00:46:03,027 --> 00:46:05,061 There's a hot tub there. The light's over there. Now, we try to get the chair 1354 00:46:05,063 --> 00:46:07,130 The light's over there. Now, we try to get the chair past the bed and the hot tub, 1355 00:46:07,132 --> 00:46:09,165 Now, we try to get the chair past the bed and the hot tub, but we can't get it through. 1356 00:46:09,167 --> 00:46:10,199 Past the bed and the hot tub, but we can't get it through. So, me and andrew walk over to 1357 00:46:10,201 --> 00:46:11,300 But we can't get it through. So, me and andrew walk over to the hooker, and we're whispering 1358 00:46:11,302 --> 00:46:12,268 So, me and andrew walk over to the hooker, and we're whispering 'cause we don't want dan to 1359 00:46:12,270 --> 00:46:12,568 The hooker, and we're whispering 'cause we don't want dan to hear. 1360 00:46:12,570 --> 00:46:16,005 'Cause we don't want dan to hear. We're like, "um...we can't do 1361 00:46:16,007 --> 00:46:18,474 Hear. We're like, "um...we can't do the light thing." 1362 00:46:18,476 --> 00:46:20,376 We're like, "um...we can't do the light thing." And she goes, "if you don't do 1363 00:46:20,378 --> 00:46:22,712 The light thing." And she goes, "if you don't do the light, i'm not doing it." 1364 00:46:22,714 --> 00:46:26,215 And she goes, "if you don't do the light, i'm not doing it." And me and andrew went, "aw. 1365 00:46:26,217 --> 00:46:28,885 The light, i'm not doing it." And me and andrew went, "aw. Come on. 1366 00:46:28,887 --> 00:46:29,719 And me and andrew went, "aw. Come on. He's a virgin. 1367 00:46:29,721 --> 00:46:31,120 Come on. He's a virgin. What's the worst that could 1368 00:46:31,122 --> 00:46:31,654 He's a virgin. What's the worst that could happen?" 1369 00:46:31,656 --> 00:46:35,658 What's the worst that could happen?" And she whispered, "actually, 1370 00:46:35,660 --> 00:46:36,959 Happen?" And she whispered, "actually, i'm more concerned about his 1371 00:46:36,961 --> 00:46:39,028 And she whispered, "actually, i'm more concerned about his cleanliness." 1372 00:46:39,030 --> 00:46:40,797 I'm more concerned about his cleanliness." And then his brother andrew said 1373 00:46:40,799 --> 00:46:44,167 Cleanliness." And then his brother andrew said loudly and proudly, "i washed it 1374 00:46:44,169 --> 00:46:47,436 And then his brother andrew said loudly and proudly, "i washed it before we came out!" 1375 00:46:47,438 --> 00:46:49,038 Loudly and proudly, "i washed it before we came out!" Now, you may think you're a good 1376 00:46:49,040 --> 00:46:50,373 Before we came out!" Now, you may think you're a good brother, good sister, good 1377 00:46:50,375 --> 00:46:51,941 Now, you may think you're a good brother, good sister, good mother, good daughter, whatever 1378 00:46:51,943 --> 00:46:53,409 Brother, good sister, good mother, good daughter, whatever the fuck you think you are in 1379 00:46:53,411 --> 00:46:54,911 Mother, good daughter, whatever the fuck you think you are in this world, but you're nothing 1380 00:46:54,913 --> 00:46:56,145 The fuck you think you are in this world, but you're nothing until you've washed your 1381 00:46:56,147 --> 00:46:57,713 This world, but you're nothing until you've washed your disabled brother's cock to take 1382 00:46:57,715 --> 00:47:00,082 Until you've washed your disabled brother's cock to take him to a prostitute! 1383 00:47:00,084 --> 00:47:01,818 Disabled brother's cock to take him to a prostitute! That is love, ladies and 1384 00:47:01,820 --> 00:47:03,920 Him to a prostitute! That is love, ladies and gentlemen -- Tangible fucking 1385 00:47:03,922 --> 00:47:09,025 That is love, ladies and gentlemen -- Tangible fucking love. 1386 00:47:09,027 --> 00:47:10,226 Gentlemen -- Tangible fucking love. So, we looked at dan. 1387 00:47:10,228 --> 00:47:11,861 Love. So, we looked at dan. Everyone agreed it was time to 1388 00:47:11,863 --> 00:47:14,030 So, we looked at dan. Everyone agreed it was time to go. 1389 00:47:14,032 --> 00:47:15,598 Everyone agreed it was time to go. We looked at dan. 1390 00:47:15,600 --> 00:47:17,166 Go. We looked at dan. Me and andrew looked at him and 1391 00:47:17,168 --> 00:47:23,940 We looked at dan. Me and andrew looked at him and went, "we're going now, mate. 1392 00:47:23,942 --> 00:47:25,074 Me and andrew looked at him and went, "we're going now, mate. If you got anything you want to 1393 00:47:25,076 --> 00:47:26,142 Went, "we're going now, mate. If you got anything you want to say to us, say it now, 'cause, 1394 00:47:26,144 --> 00:47:31,681 If you got anything you want to say to us, say it now, 'cause, uh, we're gonna leave, mate." 1395 00:47:31,683 --> 00:47:33,649 Say to us, say it now, 'cause, uh, we're gonna leave, mate." And this is what dan did. 1396 00:47:33,651 --> 00:47:54,604 [ Imitates wheelchair whirring ] 1397 00:47:54,606 --> 00:48:16,592 "Leave!" So, me and andrew went back down to the bar, and we hanged out 1398 00:48:16,594 --> 00:48:17,994 So, me and andrew went back down to the bar, and we hanged out with the hookers. 1399 00:48:17,996 --> 00:48:19,328 To the bar, and we hanged out with the hookers. There was like 10 of them sort 1400 00:48:19,330 --> 00:48:21,364 With the hookers. There was like 10 of them sort of mulling around there. 1401 00:48:21,366 --> 00:48:24,333 There was like 10 of them sort of mulling around there. We're standing there. 1402 00:48:24,335 --> 00:48:25,368 Of mulling around there. We're standing there. We don't know what dan's up to, 1403 00:48:25,370 --> 00:48:26,369 We're standing there. We don't know what dan's up to, but we're standing around the 1404 00:48:26,371 --> 00:48:28,004 We don't know what dan's up to, but we're standing around the bar with all the hookers. 1405 00:48:28,006 --> 00:48:30,673 But we're standing around the bar with all the hookers. And then five guys from london 1406 00:48:30,675 --> 00:48:32,308 Bar with all the hookers. And then five guys from london walk into the bar, who are 1407 00:48:32,310 --> 00:48:34,143 And then five guys from london walk into the bar, who are obviously out of their fucking 1408 00:48:34,145 --> 00:48:35,378 Walk into the bar, who are obviously out of their fucking skulls on coke. 1409 00:48:35,380 --> 00:48:36,913 Obviously out of their fucking skulls on coke. Now, if you've never taken a 1410 00:48:36,915 --> 00:48:38,014 Skulls on coke. Now, if you've never taken a lot of coke, and i've -- 1411 00:48:38,016 --> 00:48:41,183 Now, if you've never taken a lot of coke, and i've -- [ Mumbles ] 1412 00:48:41,185 --> 00:48:42,385 Lot of coke, and i've -- [ Mumbles ] if anyone's got any... 1413 00:48:42,387 --> 00:48:44,020 [ Mumbles ] if anyone's got any... [ mumbles ] 1414 00:48:44,022 --> 00:48:47,890 If anyone's got any... [ mumbles ] no, if you've never taken coke, 1415 00:48:47,892 --> 00:48:49,592 [ Mumbles ] no, if you've never taken coke, you don't -- When like five or 1416 00:48:49,594 --> 00:48:51,294 No, if you've never taken coke, you don't -- When like five or six guys get together and take 1417 00:48:51,296 --> 00:48:53,262 You don't -- When like five or six guys get together and take coke on, like, a tuesday, there 1418 00:48:53,264 --> 00:48:55,197 Six guys get together and take coke on, like, a tuesday, there comes a point at about 6:00 in 1419 00:48:55,199 --> 00:48:57,066 Coke on, like, a tuesday, there comes a point at about 6:00 in the morning when they go, "we 1420 00:48:57,068 --> 00:48:58,100 Comes a point at about 6:00 in the morning when they go, "we better call up some chicks, 1421 00:48:58,102 --> 00:48:58,534 The morning when they go, "we better call up some chicks, maybe --" 1422 00:48:58,536 --> 00:48:59,702 Better call up some chicks, maybe --" And you call up ex-Girlfriends, 1423 00:48:59,704 --> 00:49:00,903 Maybe --" And you call up ex-Girlfriends, like, "bring some friends, bring 1424 00:49:00,905 --> 00:49:01,504 And you call up ex-Girlfriends, like, "bring some friends, bring some friends." 1425 00:49:01,506 --> 00:49:03,239 Like, "bring some friends, bring some friends." And it's like -- I don't know 1426 00:49:03,241 --> 00:49:04,607 Some friends." And it's like -- I don't know what you're expecting. 1427 00:49:04,609 --> 00:49:05,908 And it's like -- I don't know what you're expecting. So, basically, this -- 1428 00:49:05,910 --> 00:49:07,476 What you're expecting. So, basically, this -- I think it was a wednesday we 1429 00:49:07,478 --> 00:49:09,178 So, basically, this -- I think it was a wednesday we did this, and i think these guys 1430 00:49:09,180 --> 00:49:10,680 I think it was a wednesday we did this, and i think these guys had been on coke all night. 1431 00:49:10,682 --> 00:49:11,681 Did this, and i think these guys had been on coke all night. And they've obviously gone, "all 1432 00:49:11,683 --> 00:49:12,448 Had been on coke all night. And they've obviously gone, "all right, let's go down the 1433 00:49:12,450 --> 00:49:12,782 And they've obviously gone, "all right, let's go down the brothel. 1434 00:49:12,784 --> 00:49:13,582 Right, let's go down the brothel. We'll go down the brothel. 1435 00:49:13,584 --> 00:49:14,083 Brothel. We'll go down the brothel. It'll be fun. 1436 00:49:14,085 --> 00:49:14,951 We'll go down the brothel. It'll be fun. We'll go down the brothel." 1437 00:49:14,953 --> 00:49:16,552 It'll be fun. We'll go down the brothel." And i'm standing at the bar, 1438 00:49:16,554 --> 00:49:18,321 We'll go down the brothel." And i'm standing at the bar, chatting with all the hookers, 1439 00:49:18,323 --> 00:49:20,122 And i'm standing at the bar, chatting with all the hookers, and these five guys from london 1440 00:49:20,124 --> 00:49:21,524 Chatting with all the hookers, and these five guys from london walk in, and one of them 1441 00:49:21,526 --> 00:49:24,160 And these five guys from london walk in, and one of them recognizes me and goes, 1442 00:49:24,162 --> 00:49:25,161 Walk in, and one of them recognizes me and goes, "jim fucking jefferies, 1443 00:49:25,163 --> 00:49:26,095 Recognizes me and goes, "jim fucking jefferies, jim fucking jefferies. 1444 00:49:26,097 --> 00:49:27,229 "Jim fucking jefferies, jim fucking jefferies. I know you, mate. I know you. 1445 00:49:27,231 --> 00:49:28,364 Jim fucking jefferies. I know you, mate. I know you. You're the comedian -- The 1446 00:49:28,366 --> 00:49:29,598 I know you, mate. I know you. You're the comedian -- The 'spaz approved' guy, australian 1447 00:49:29,600 --> 00:49:31,968 You're the comedian -- The 'spaz approved' guy, australian comedian." 1448 00:49:31,970 --> 00:49:33,369 'Spaz approved' guy, australian comedian." And i went, "hey, how you doing, 1449 00:49:33,371 --> 00:49:33,736 Comedian." And i went, "hey, how you doing, man?" 1450 00:49:33,738 --> 00:49:35,004 And i went, "hey, how you doing, man?" He goes, "hey, jim, jim, jim, 1451 00:49:35,006 --> 00:49:37,306 Man?" He goes, "hey, jim, jim, jim, jim, jim, jim... 1452 00:49:37,308 --> 00:49:39,141 He goes, "hey, jim, jim, jim, jim, jim, jim... want a line of coke?" 1453 00:49:39,143 --> 00:49:43,145 Jim, jim, jim... want a line of coke?" And i went, "yes." 1454 00:49:43,147 --> 00:49:45,715 Want a line of coke?" And i went, "yes." And i went up to the toilet 1455 00:49:45,717 --> 00:49:46,816 And i went, "yes." And i went up to the toilet and did a line of coke. 1456 00:49:46,818 --> 00:49:48,351 And i went up to the toilet and did a line of coke. And i come back out, and, 1457 00:49:48,353 --> 00:49:50,052 And did a line of coke. And i come back out, and, obviously, i've left andrew 1458 00:49:50,054 --> 00:49:51,687 And i come back out, and, obviously, i've left andrew alone for too long, and he's 1459 00:49:51,689 --> 00:49:53,155 Obviously, i've left andrew alone for too long, and he's sort of panicking all by 1460 00:49:53,157 --> 00:49:53,789 Alone for too long, and he's sort of panicking all by himself. 1461 00:49:53,791 --> 00:49:57,660 Sort of panicking all by himself. And i sort of walk in, like... 1462 00:49:57,662 --> 00:49:59,895 Himself. And i sort of walk in, like... "what's wrong?" 1463 00:49:59,897 --> 00:50:01,163 And i sort of walk in, like... "what's wrong?" And he goes, "what if we've done 1464 00:50:01,165 --> 00:50:02,264 "What's wrong?" And he goes, "what if we've done the wrong thing here? 1465 00:50:02,266 --> 00:50:03,566 And he goes, "what if we've done the wrong thing here? What if he's in there dying 1466 00:50:03,568 --> 00:50:04,166 The wrong thing here? What if he's in there dying right now? 1467 00:50:04,168 --> 00:50:05,368 What if he's in there dying right now? What if he stopped fucking 1468 00:50:05,370 --> 00:50:06,836 Right now? What if he stopped fucking breathing or -- What the fuck -- 1469 00:50:06,838 --> 00:50:07,903 What if he stopped fucking breathing or -- What the fuck -- Or his heart stopped? 1470 00:50:07,905 --> 00:50:09,238 Breathing or -- What the fuck -- Or his heart stopped? What the fuck are we meant to 1471 00:50:09,240 --> 00:50:09,605 Or his heart stopped? What the fuck are we meant to do?" 1472 00:50:09,607 --> 00:50:11,240 What the fuck are we meant to do?" I said, "uh, not a problem, 1473 00:50:11,242 --> 00:50:12,074 Do?" I said, "uh, not a problem, not a problem. 1474 00:50:12,076 --> 00:50:14,643 I said, "uh, not a problem, not a problem. Um... 1475 00:50:14,645 --> 00:50:17,179 Not a problem. Um... i'll resuscitate him." 1476 00:50:17,181 --> 00:50:18,447 Um... i'll resuscitate him." And he said, "do you know how to 1477 00:50:18,449 --> 00:50:18,914 I'll resuscitate him." And he said, "do you know how to do that?" 1478 00:50:18,916 --> 00:50:20,016 And he said, "do you know how to do that?" And i said, "no, i don't, but 1479 00:50:20,018 --> 00:50:20,883 Do that?" And i said, "no, i don't, but how hard could it be? 1480 00:50:20,885 --> 00:50:25,021 And i said, "no, i don't, but how hard could it be? Push, push, blow, blow." 1481 00:50:25,023 --> 00:50:26,022 How hard could it be? Push, push, blow, blow." [ Chuckles ] 1482 00:50:26,024 --> 00:50:27,289 Push, push, blow, blow." [ Chuckles ] i haven't embellished that in 1483 00:50:27,291 --> 00:50:27,990 [ Chuckles ] i haven't embellished that in the slightest. 1484 00:50:27,992 --> 00:50:29,191 I haven't embellished that in the slightest. That's the exact thing i said 1485 00:50:29,193 --> 00:50:31,827 The slightest. That's the exact thing i said to him -- "Push, push, blow, 1486 00:50:31,829 --> 00:50:36,298 That's the exact thing i said to him -- "Push, push, blow, blow." 1487 00:50:36,300 --> 00:50:38,200 To him -- "Push, push, blow, blow." Then the prostitute walks back 1488 00:50:38,202 --> 00:50:40,036 Blow." Then the prostitute walks back in the room, who was with dan. 1489 00:50:40,038 --> 00:50:42,004 Then the prostitute walks back in the room, who was with dan. So, i'm standing with the 5 coke 1490 00:50:42,006 --> 00:50:44,940 In the room, who was with dan. So, i'm standing with the 5 coke fiends, 10 prostitutes. 1491 00:50:44,942 --> 00:50:45,941 So, i'm standing with the 5 coke fiends, 10 prostitutes. She walks in the room. 1492 00:50:45,943 --> 00:50:47,276 Fiends, 10 prostitutes. She walks in the room. It's like that moment in a movie 1493 00:50:47,278 --> 00:50:48,544 She walks in the room. It's like that moment in a movie where the needle on the record 1494 00:50:48,546 --> 00:50:49,445 It's like that moment in a movie where the needle on the record just sort of goes... 1495 00:50:49,447 --> 00:50:51,047 Where the needle on the record just sort of goes... [ imitates record scratching ] 1496 00:50:51,049 --> 00:50:54,383 Just sort of goes... [ imitates record scratching ] and everything stopped. 1497 00:50:54,385 --> 00:50:57,119 [ Imitates record scratching ] and everything stopped. And she walked in, and she said, 1498 00:50:57,121 --> 00:51:01,724 And everything stopped. And she walked in, and she said, "well...it's over." 1499 00:51:01,726 --> 00:51:03,192 And she walked in, and she said, "well...it's over." And me and andrew, in unison, 1500 00:51:03,194 --> 00:51:05,728 "Well...it's over." And me and andrew, in unison, went... 1501 00:51:05,730 --> 00:51:07,663 And me and andrew, in unison, went... "is he dead?" 1502 00:51:07,665 --> 00:51:24,847 And her exact words were, "oh, i didn't check that." So, me, andrew, the 5 coke 1503 00:51:24,849 --> 00:51:26,682 "Oh, i didn't check that." So, me, andrew, the 5 coke fiends, the 10 hookers -- We 1504 00:51:26,684 --> 00:51:28,050 So, me, andrew, the 5 coke fiends, the 10 hookers -- We all run to the room. 1505 00:51:28,052 --> 00:51:29,385 Fiends, the 10 hookers -- We all run to the room. No, he's not dead! 1506 00:51:29,387 --> 00:51:31,387 All run to the room. No, he's not dead! His chair's back in the upright 1507 00:51:31,389 --> 00:51:32,154 No, he's not dead! His chair's back in the upright position. 1508 00:51:32,156 --> 00:51:34,056 His chair's back in the upright position. His cock is still sitting up, 1509 00:51:34,058 --> 00:51:35,958 Position. His cock is still sitting up, majestically, covered in jizz 1510 00:51:35,960 --> 00:51:37,860 His cock is still sitting up, majestically, covered in jizz and spit. 1511 00:51:37,862 --> 00:51:39,428 Majestically, covered in jizz and spit. But for a man who an hour ago 1512 00:51:39,430 --> 00:51:41,030 And spit. But for a man who an hour ago couldn't lift his eyelids, he 1513 00:51:41,032 --> 00:51:44,600 But for a man who an hour ago couldn't lift his eyelids, he was sitting there like this. 1514 00:51:44,602 --> 00:51:47,603 Couldn't lift his eyelids, he was sitting there like this. [ Applause ] 1515 00:51:47,605 --> 00:51:49,572 Was sitting there like this. [ Applause ] now, you might be wondering why 1516 00:51:49,574 --> 00:51:51,974 [ Applause ] now, you might be wondering why his eyelids were up like that. 1517 00:51:51,976 --> 00:51:53,409 Now, you might be wondering why his eyelids were up like that. Let me explain something. 1518 00:51:53,411 --> 00:51:55,511 His eyelids were up like that. Let me explain something. It wasn't through happiness. 1519 00:51:55,513 --> 00:51:57,580 Let me explain something. It wasn't through happiness. Tell you something about myself. 1520 00:51:57,582 --> 00:51:58,814 It wasn't through happiness. Tell you something about myself. I'm 33 years old. 1521 00:51:58,816 --> 00:52:00,783 Tell you something about myself. I'm 33 years old. I've been masturbating since i 1522 00:52:00,785 --> 00:52:01,984 I'm 33 years old. I've been masturbating since i was 10 years old. 1523 00:52:01,986 --> 00:52:04,487 I've been masturbating since i was 10 years old. And in that time, i have not 1524 00:52:04,489 --> 00:52:06,489 Was 10 years old. And in that time, i have not missed a day. 1525 00:52:06,491 --> 00:52:08,757 And in that time, i have not missed a day. Every single day, i masturbate. 1526 00:52:08,759 --> 00:52:10,893 Missed a day. Every single day, i masturbate. Haven't missed a fucking day. 1527 00:52:10,895 --> 00:52:13,095 Every single day, i masturbate. Haven't missed a fucking day. Every day, i'm in a hotel room 1528 00:52:13,097 --> 00:52:15,364 Haven't missed a fucking day. Every day, i'm in a hotel room with a laptop way high up on my 1529 00:52:15,366 --> 00:52:17,633 Every day, i'm in a hotel room with a laptop way high up on my chest here, so i don't have to 1530 00:52:17,635 --> 00:52:19,101 With a laptop way high up on my chest here, so i don't have to look at the filth i'm doing to 1531 00:52:19,103 --> 00:52:19,702 Chest here, so i don't have to look at the filth i'm doing to myself. 1532 00:52:19,704 --> 00:52:21,804 Look at the filth i'm doing to myself. So, i'm watching porn here. 1533 00:52:21,806 --> 00:52:23,939 Myself. So, i'm watching porn here. And 9 times out of 10, i hit the 1534 00:52:23,941 --> 00:52:26,976 So, i'm watching porn here. And 9 times out of 10, i hit the apple sign, right? 1535 00:52:26,978 --> 00:52:28,277 And 9 times out of 10, i hit the apple sign, right? [ Applause ] 1536 00:52:28,279 --> 00:52:30,312 Apple sign, right? [ Applause ] and i do this every single 1537 00:52:30,314 --> 00:52:31,413 [ Applause ] and i do this every single fucking day. 1538 00:52:31,415 --> 00:52:33,782 And i do this every single fucking day. Yet i would be mortified if any 1539 00:52:33,784 --> 00:52:35,985 Fucking day. Yet i would be mortified if any one of you was to ever see me 1540 00:52:35,987 --> 00:52:37,052 Yet i would be mortified if any one of you was to ever see me doing this. 1541 00:52:37,054 --> 00:52:39,188 One of you was to ever see me doing this. I would want to fucking kill 1542 00:52:39,190 --> 00:52:39,989 Doing this. I would want to fucking kill myself. 1543 00:52:39,991 --> 00:52:43,159 I would want to fucking kill myself. And i do this every single 1544 00:52:43,161 --> 00:52:45,060 Myself. And i do this every single fucking day. 1545 00:52:45,062 --> 00:52:46,529 And i do this every single fucking day. Now, imagine if you've never 1546 00:52:46,531 --> 00:52:48,097 Fucking day. Now, imagine if you've never ejaculated through the power of 1547 00:52:48,099 --> 00:52:49,498 Now, imagine if you've never ejaculated through the power of yourself, you've never had 1548 00:52:49,500 --> 00:52:50,966 Ejaculated through the power of yourself, you've never had another person do it, you're 1549 00:52:50,968 --> 00:52:52,868 Yourself, you've never had another person do it, you're 32 years old, and for the first 1550 00:52:52,870 --> 00:52:54,503 Another person do it, you're 32 years old, and for the first time you've shot a load of 1551 00:52:54,505 --> 00:52:56,405 32 years old, and for the first time you've shot a load of fucking stale jizz all over the 1552 00:52:56,407 --> 00:52:58,807 Time you've shot a load of fucking stale jizz all over the fucking room and you're sitting 1553 00:52:58,809 --> 00:53:02,344 Fucking stale jizz all over the fucking room and you're sitting there with your cock out and 15 1554 00:53:02,346 --> 00:53:05,381 Fucking room and you're sitting there with your cock out and 15 strangers walks in and you do 1555 00:53:05,383 --> 00:53:08,717 There with your cock out and 15 strangers walks in and you do not possess the power to put 1556 00:53:08,719 --> 00:53:13,222 Strangers walks in and you do not possess the power to put your cock away. 1557 00:53:13,224 --> 00:53:15,224 Not possess the power to put your cock away. Can you see how that might be a 1558 00:53:15,226 --> 00:53:21,197 Your cock away. Can you see how that might be a bit unhinging? 1559 00:53:21,199 --> 00:53:22,598 Can you see how that might be a bit unhinging? So, we had to get him dressed 1560 00:53:22,600 --> 00:53:24,266 Bit unhinging? So, we had to get him dressed quickly. 1561 00:53:24,268 --> 00:53:27,036 So, we had to get him dressed quickly. But there's come everywhere. 1562 00:53:27,038 --> 00:53:29,038 Quickly. But there's come everywhere. And this time, i look him up and 1563 00:53:29,040 --> 00:53:29,605 But there's come everywhere. And this time, i look him up and down. 1564 00:53:29,607 --> 00:53:31,607 And this time, i look him up and down. And i turned to andrew and said, 1565 00:53:31,609 --> 00:53:33,609 Down. And i turned to andrew and said, "andrew, i don't give a fuck how 1566 00:53:33,611 --> 00:53:34,677 And i turned to andrew and said, "andrew, i don't give a fuck how fragile he is. 1567 00:53:34,679 --> 00:53:36,478 "Andrew, i don't give a fuck how fragile he is. I'm taking the top half this 1568 00:53:36,480 --> 00:53:38,380 Fragile he is. I'm taking the top half this time." 1569 00:53:38,382 --> 00:53:40,916 I'm taking the top half this time." And we lifted him up... 1570 00:53:40,918 --> 00:53:43,352 Time." And we lifted him up... and we put his pants on and we 1571 00:53:43,354 --> 00:53:45,754 And we lifted him up... and we put his pants on and we proceeded to leave the brothel. 1572 00:53:45,756 --> 00:53:48,691 And we put his pants on and we proceeded to leave the brothel. Now, as we left the brothel, i 1573 00:53:48,693 --> 00:53:49,358 Proceeded to leave the brothel. Now, as we left the brothel, i turned to dan. 1574 00:53:49,360 --> 00:53:51,961 Now, as we left the brothel, i turned to dan. I said, "dan, i paid for a 1575 00:53:51,963 --> 00:53:53,028 Turned to dan. I said, "dan, i paid for a story. 1576 00:53:53,030 --> 00:53:55,130 I said, "dan, i paid for a story. Please tell me what happened." 1577 00:53:55,132 --> 00:53:59,235 Story. Please tell me what happened." And he said, "well, she danced 1578 00:53:59,237 --> 00:54:01,770 Please tell me what happened." And he said, "well, she danced around a bit, rubbed her tits in 1579 00:54:01,772 --> 00:54:06,475 And he said, "well, she danced around a bit, rubbed her tits in my face, and sucked me off," 1580 00:54:06,477 --> 00:54:07,743 Around a bit, rubbed her tits in my face, and sucked me off," which is what i asked her to do. 1581 00:54:07,745 --> 00:54:09,612 My face, and sucked me off," which is what i asked her to do. It's so nice to be a disabled 1582 00:54:09,614 --> 00:54:14,350 Which is what i asked her to do. It's so nice to be a disabled sex puppeteer. 1583 00:54:14,352 --> 00:54:16,118 It's so nice to be a disabled sex puppeteer. But even nicer than that -- 1584 00:54:16,120 --> 00:54:18,020 Sex puppeteer. But even nicer than that -- I used to have a preconceived 1585 00:54:18,022 --> 00:54:19,955 But even nicer than that -- I used to have a preconceived notion on what i thought about 1586 00:54:19,957 --> 00:54:21,991 I used to have a preconceived notion on what i thought about people such as prostitutes, man, 1587 00:54:21,993 --> 00:54:23,726 Notion on what i thought about people such as prostitutes, man, but i was wrong. 1588 00:54:23,728 --> 00:54:25,527 People such as prostitutes, man, but i was wrong. That woman treated him with 1589 00:54:25,529 --> 00:54:27,663 But i was wrong. That woman treated him with dignity and respect and made him 1590 00:54:27,665 --> 00:54:29,765 That woman treated him with dignity and respect and made him feel like a sexual being for the 1591 00:54:29,767 --> 00:54:32,401 Dignity and respect and made him feel like a sexual being for the only time in his life. 1592 00:54:32,403 --> 00:54:33,636 Feel like a sexual being for the only time in his life. And you can't put a price on 1593 00:54:33,638 --> 00:54:36,538 Only time in his life. And you can't put a price on that, all right? 1594 00:54:36,540 --> 00:54:40,342 And you can't put a price on that, all right? Well, $180 is the -- The 1595 00:54:40,344 --> 00:54:42,311 That, all right? Well, $180 is the -- The exact -- The exact figure. 1596 00:54:42,313 --> 00:54:56,825 Then we go out front, and we go to call a taxi, and the taxi driver who drove us there is 1597 00:54:56,827 --> 00:54:58,560 To call a taxi, and the taxi driver who drove us there is still sitting out the front in 1598 00:54:58,562 --> 00:54:59,228 Driver who drove us there is still sitting out the front in his car. 1599 00:54:59,230 --> 00:55:01,030 Still sitting out the front in his car. And he winds his window down and 1600 00:55:01,032 --> 00:55:02,865 His car. And he winds his window down and looks out and goes, "i'll drive 1601 00:55:02,867 --> 00:55:04,033 And he winds his window down and looks out and goes, "i'll drive you home for free. 1602 00:55:04,035 --> 00:55:05,467 Looks out and goes, "i'll drive you home for free. I just need to know what 1603 00:55:05,469 --> 00:55:07,403 You home for free. I just need to know what happened." 1604 00:55:07,405 --> 00:55:09,004 I just need to know what happened." Thank you very much, ladies and 1605 00:55:09,006 --> 00:55:09,672 Happened." Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. 1606 00:55:09,674 --> 00:55:10,973 Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Good night. 1607 00:55:10,975 --> 00:55:13,609 Gentlemen. Good night. [ Cheers and applause ] 1608 00:55:13,611 --> 00:55:40,703 [ Rock music plays ] 1609 00:55:40,705 --> 00:55:52,715 [ Speaking indistinctly ] 1610 00:55:52,717 --> 00:56:05,861 Hey! 1611 00:56:05,863 --> 00:56:22,311 Hey! ś she's an natural mover 1612 00:56:22,313 --> 00:56:23,679 ś she's an natural mover ś ah 1613 00:56:23,681 --> 00:56:26,081 ś ah ś does it like a hoover 1614 00:56:26,083 --> 00:56:27,816 ś does it like a hoover ś ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, 1615 00:56:27,818 --> 00:56:30,052 ś ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ś