0:00:00.400,0:00:10.776
[ Horn honks ]

0:00:10.778,0:00:23.956
[ Indistinct conversations ][br][ scattered cheers and[br]applause ]

0:00:23.958,0:00:34.233
[ Rock music plays ][br]fuck.

0:00:34.235,0:00:45.210
[ Speaking indistinctly ][br][ laughs ][br]ladies and gentlemen, this

0:00:45.212,0:00:47.179
[ Laughs ][br]ladies and gentlemen, this[br]is your cue to start clapping,

0:00:47.181,0:00:51.950
Ladies and gentlemen, this[br]is your cue to start clapping,[br]start cheering, start whooping,

0:00:51.952,0:00:54.586
Is your cue to start clapping,[br]start cheering, start whooping,[br]and welcome to the stage

0:00:54.588,0:00:57.556
Start cheering, start whooping,[br]and welcome to the stage[br]jim jefferies!

0:00:57.558,0:00:59.491
And welcome to the stage[br]jim jefferies![br][ Cheers and applause ]

0:00:59.493,0:01:07.800
Hello.

0:01:07.802,0:01:16.975
Thank you. Thank you.[br]Thank you for coming to my show,[br]"alcoholocaust."

0:01:16.977,0:01:18.944
Thank you for coming to my show,[br]"alcoholocaust."[br][ Laughing ] fucking look at

0:01:18.946,0:01:20.512
"Alcoholocaust."[br][ Laughing ] fucking look at[br]this big theater, man.

0:01:20.514,0:01:21.747
[ Laughing ] fucking look at[br]this big theater, man.[br]I appreciate you coming out.

0:01:21.749,0:01:23.048
This big theater, man.[br]I appreciate you coming out.[br]People who are watching this at

0:01:23.050,0:01:24.349
I appreciate you coming out.[br]People who are watching this at[br]home might know that this is a

0:01:24.351,0:01:25.484
People who are watching this at[br]home might know that this is a[br]fucking monday night, so i

0:01:25.486,0:01:26.785
Home might know that this is a[br]fucking monday night, so i[br]appreciate how many people have

0:01:26.787,0:01:27.152
Fucking monday night, so i[br]appreciate how many people have[br]come.

0:01:27.154,0:01:29.388
Appreciate how many people have[br]come.[br]I realize that in this economy,

0:01:29.390,0:01:31.290
Come.[br]I realize that in this economy,[br]tickets for things such as

0:01:31.292,0:01:34.593
I realize that in this economy,[br]tickets for things such as[br]comedy shows aren't that cheap

0:01:34.595,0:01:35.894
Tickets for things such as[br]comedy shows aren't that cheap[br]for men.

0:01:35.896,0:01:38.964
Comedy shows aren't that cheap[br]for men.[br]For women, same price they've

0:01:38.966,0:01:40.065
For men.[br]For women, same price they've[br]always fucking been, aren't

0:01:40.067,0:01:41.433
For women, same price they've[br]always fucking been, aren't[br]they?

0:01:41.435,0:01:43.068
Always fucking been, aren't[br]they?[br]Women don't pay for things like

0:01:43.070,0:01:43.535
They?[br]Women don't pay for things like[br]this.

0:01:43.537,0:01:45.170
Women don't pay for things like[br]this.[br]There's women in this room have

0:01:45.172,0:01:46.705
This.[br]There's women in this room have[br]no fucking idea how much the

0:01:46.707,0:01:48.073
There's women in this room have[br]no fucking idea how much the[br]ticket for this show cost.

0:01:48.075,0:01:50.409
No fucking idea how much the[br]ticket for this show cost.[br]No fucking idea!

0:01:50.411,0:01:51.610
Ticket for this show cost.[br]No fucking idea![br]Your husband came home, said,

0:01:51.612,0:01:52.678
No fucking idea![br]Your husband came home, said,[br]"remember, we're seeing

0:01:52.680,0:01:54.046
Your husband came home, said,[br]"remember, we're seeing[br]jim jefferies," you said, "who?"

0:01:54.048,0:01:56.615
"Remember, we're seeing[br]jim jefferies," you said, "who?"[br]And now you're fucking here.

0:01:56.617,0:01:57.816
Jim jefferies," you said, "who?"[br]And now you're fucking here.[br]Women don't pay.

0:01:57.818,0:01:59.818
And now you're fucking here.[br]Women don't pay.[br]Basically, women are a bunch of

0:01:59.820,0:02:00.452
Women don't pay.[br]Basically, women are a bunch of[br]cunts.

0:02:00.454,0:02:03.689
Basically, women are a bunch of[br]cunts.[br]To summarize, women are cunts.

0:02:03.691,0:02:05.057
Cunts.[br]To summarize, women are cunts.[br]See, and i don't know if women

0:02:05.059,0:02:06.258
To summarize, women are cunts.[br]See, and i don't know if women[br]even know that drinks cost

0:02:06.260,0:02:08.327
See, and i don't know if women[br]even know that drinks cost[br]money, you know?

0:02:08.329,0:02:09.061
Even know that drinks cost[br]money, you know?[br]Ugly chicks know.

0:02:09.062,0:02:10.095
Money, you know?[br]Ugly chicks know.[br]If you know that drinks cost

0:02:10.097,0:02:11.196
Ugly chicks know.[br]If you know that drinks cost[br]money, you're a fucking ugly

0:02:11.198,0:02:13.165
If you know that drinks cost[br]money, you're a fucking ugly[br]bitch, but otherwise, you're a

0:02:13.167,0:02:14.500
Money, you're a fucking ugly[br]bitch, but otherwise, you're a[br]good-Looking girl.

0:02:14.502,0:02:16.168
Bitch, but otherwise, you're a[br]good-Looking girl.[br]Good luck to you.

0:02:16.170,0:02:17.703
Good-Looking girl.[br]Good luck to you.[br]See, my birthday's on

0:02:17.705,0:02:19.738
Good luck to you.[br]See, my birthday's on[br]valentine's day, so even on my

0:02:19.740,0:02:21.907
See, my birthday's on[br]valentine's day, so even on my[br]fucking birthday i'm buying some

0:02:21.909,0:02:24.176
Valentine's day, so even on my[br]fucking birthday i'm buying some[br]bitch dinner.

0:02:24.178,0:02:25.811
Fucking birthday i'm buying some[br]bitch dinner.[br]If i meet a nice girl and i'm in

0:02:25.813,0:02:27.513
Bitch dinner.[br]If i meet a nice girl and i'm in[br]a restaurant and the check comes

0:02:27.515,0:02:28.814
If i meet a nice girl and i'm in[br]a restaurant and the check comes[br]and i put the credit card

0:02:28.816,0:02:30.482
A restaurant and the check comes[br]and i put the credit card[br]down -- And she's a nice girl --

0:02:30.484,0:02:31.817
And i put the credit card[br]down -- And she's a nice girl --[br]She'll do the purse grab.

0:02:31.819,0:02:33.785
Down -- And she's a nice girl --[br]She'll do the purse grab.[br]And if i go, "no, no, no, it's

0:02:33.787,0:02:35.821
She'll do the purse grab.[br]And if i go, "no, no, no, it's[br]okay," she's very quick to give

0:02:35.823,0:02:37.623
And if i go, "no, no, no, it's[br]okay," she's very quick to give[br]up on that argument.

0:02:37.625,0:02:39.825
Okay," she's very quick to give[br]up on that argument.[br]Other arguments, she can keep

0:02:39.827,0:02:42.027
Up on that argument.[br]Other arguments, she can keep[br]going for fucking years, but

0:02:42.029,0:02:44.396
Other arguments, she can keep[br]going for fucking years, but[br]that one she's ever so gracious

0:02:44.398,0:02:45.898
Going for fucking years, but[br]that one she's ever so gracious[br]about.

0:02:45.900,0:02:47.366
That one she's ever so gracious[br]about.[br]This is why i think i'd like

0:02:47.368,0:02:49.735
About.[br]This is why i think i'd like[br]to be gay.

0:02:49.737,0:02:51.370
This is why i think i'd like[br]to be gay.[br]I think gay would be a good move

0:02:51.372,0:02:51.904
To be gay.[br]I think gay would be a good move[br]for me.

0:02:51.906,0:02:53.205
I think gay would be a good move[br]for me.[br]I wouldn't enjoy the sex.

0:02:53.207,0:02:54.840
For me.[br]I wouldn't enjoy the sex.[br]I'd have to get through the sex.

0:02:54.842,0:02:56.742
I wouldn't enjoy the sex.[br]I'd have to get through the sex.[br]I would have a cock in my mouth,

0:02:56.744,0:02:58.477
I'd have to get through the sex.[br]I would have a cock in my mouth,[br]with tears streaming down my

0:02:58.479,0:02:59.044
I would have a cock in my mouth,[br]with tears streaming down my[br]face.

0:02:59.046,0:03:00.946
With tears streaming down my[br]face.[br]And as the jizz hit the back of

0:03:00.948,0:03:02.915
Face.[br]And as the jizz hit the back of[br]my throat, i'd be thinking of my

0:03:02.917,0:03:04.650
And as the jizz hit the back of[br]my throat, i'd be thinking of my[br]happy place, but it'd be

0:03:04.652,0:03:06.585
My throat, i'd be thinking of my[br]happy place, but it'd be[br]worthwhile just so i could split

0:03:06.587,0:03:09.454
Happy place, but it'd be[br]worthwhile just so i could split[br]the occasional bill.

0:03:09.456,0:03:13.025
Worthwhile just so i could split[br]the occasional bill.[br][ Cheers and applause ]

0:03:13.027,0:03:15.294
The occasional bill.[br][ Cheers and applause ][br]that's why gay guys are happy,

0:03:15.296,0:03:17.362
[ Cheers and applause ][br]that's why gay guys are happy,[br]and that's why lesbians are

0:03:17.364,0:03:19.464
That's why gay guys are happy,[br]and that's why lesbians are[br]fucking miserable.

0:03:19.466,0:03:21.033
And that's why lesbians are[br]fucking miserable.[br]Lesbians are fucking miserable

0:03:21.035,0:03:22.634
Fucking miserable.[br]Lesbians are fucking miserable[br]people 'cause they have to hang

0:03:22.636,0:03:23.902
Lesbians are fucking miserable[br]people 'cause they have to hang[br]out with women all day.

0:03:23.904,0:03:25.370
People 'cause they have to hang[br]out with women all day.[br]It must be fucking horrible.

0:03:25.372,0:03:26.972
Out with women all day.[br]It must be fucking horrible.[br]They must just be sitting there

0:03:26.974,0:03:28.640
It must be fucking horrible.[br]They must just be sitting there[br]at dinner, going, "i'm not gonna

0:03:28.642,0:03:30.609
They must just be sitting there[br]at dinner, going, "i'm not gonna[br]pay for this bitch.

0:03:30.611,0:03:32.277
At dinner, going, "i'm not gonna[br]pay for this bitch.[br]I've just worn my best plaid

0:03:32.279,0:03:33.779
Pay for this bitch.[br]I've just worn my best plaid[br]shirt and shaved my head.

0:03:33.781,0:03:35.314
I've just worn my best plaid[br]shirt and shaved my head.[br]She better treat me like a

0:03:35.316,0:03:40.819
Shirt and shaved my head.[br]She better treat me like a[br]princess."

0:03:40.821,0:03:42.387
She better treat me like a[br]princess."[br]Now, if there's any lesbians in

0:03:42.389,0:03:43.956
Princess."[br]Now, if there's any lesbians in[br]the room -- And i assume there's

0:03:43.958,0:03:45.524
Now, if there's any lesbians in[br]the room -- And i assume there's[br]not, because laughter's not your

0:03:45.526,0:03:49.261
The room -- And i assume there's[br]not, because laughter's not your[br]thing -- But if there is, i'd

0:03:49.263,0:03:51.129
Not, because laughter's not your[br]thing -- But if there is, i'd[br]like to apologize for that last

0:03:51.131,0:03:51.863
Thing -- But if there is, i'd[br]like to apologize for that last[br]joke.

0:03:51.865,0:03:54.533
Like to apologize for that last[br]joke.[br]But if you hate men so much,

0:03:54.535,0:03:57.603
Joke.[br]But if you hate men so much,[br]stop trying to look like them.

0:03:57.605,0:03:59.371
But if you hate men so much,[br]stop trying to look like them.[br]You never see a jew dressed as

0:03:59.373,0:04:01.873
Stop trying to look like them.[br]You never see a jew dressed as[br]a nazi.

0:04:01.875,0:04:04.042
You never see a jew dressed as[br]a nazi.[br][ Cheers and applause ]

0:04:04.044,0:04:14.253
See, i did that joke in america.[br]I said lesbians have no sense of[br]humor and they're not fun or

0:04:14.255,0:04:14.953
I said lesbians have no sense of[br]humor and they're not fun or[br]whatever.

0:04:14.955,0:04:16.721
Humor and they're not fun or[br]whatever.[br]And these two lesbians stood up

0:04:16.724,0:04:18.457
Whatever.[br]And these two lesbians stood up[br]and stormed out of the room as

0:04:18.459,0:04:21.627
And these two lesbians stood up[br]and stormed out of the room as[br]if to prove my point.

0:04:21.629,0:04:24.296
And stormed out of the room as[br]if to prove my point.[br]They're just not fun people.

0:04:24.298,0:04:26.031
If to prove my point.[br]They're just not fun people.[br]Gay guys are fun.

0:04:26.033,0:04:27.766
They're just not fun people.[br]Gay guys are fun.[br]I don't care how homophobic you

0:04:27.768,0:04:28.166
Gay guys are fun.[br]I don't care how homophobic you[br]are.

0:04:28.168,0:04:29.935
I don't care how homophobic you[br]are.[br]If you're holding a dinner party

0:04:29.937,0:04:31.670
Are.[br]If you're holding a dinner party[br]and a gay guy shows up, you get

0:04:31.672,0:04:33.438
If you're holding a dinner party[br]and a gay guy shows up, you get[br]a little bit excited, don't you?

0:04:33.440,0:04:35.107
And a gay guy shows up, you get[br]a little bit excited, don't you?[br]You're like, "oh, fucking a

0:04:35.109,0:04:35.807
A little bit excited, don't you?[br]You're like, "oh, fucking a[br]gay guy.

0:04:35.809,0:04:37.676
You're like, "oh, fucking a[br]gay guy.[br]Oh, strap yourself in, love, eh?

0:04:37.678,0:04:39.244
Gay guy.[br]Oh, strap yourself in, love, eh?[br]We got a live one."

0:04:39.246,0:04:39.611
Oh, strap yourself in, love, eh?[br]We got a live one."[br]Right?

0:04:39.613,0:04:41.813
We got a live one."[br]Right?[br]But if you're holding a dinner

0:04:41.815,0:04:43.982
Right?[br]But if you're holding a dinner[br]party and a lesbian shows up,

0:04:43.984,0:04:47.319
But if you're holding a dinner[br]party and a lesbian shows up,[br]you're just like, "aw, fuck me.

0:04:47.321,0:04:49.554
Party and a lesbian shows up,[br]you're just like, "aw, fuck me.[br]All i wanted to do was relax and

0:04:49.556,0:04:52.424
You're just like, "aw, fuck me.[br]All i wanted to do was relax and[br]play pictionary.

0:04:52.426,0:04:54.059
All i wanted to do was relax and[br]play pictionary.[br]She's drawing something

0:04:54.061,0:04:57.396
Play pictionary.[br]She's drawing something[br]political."

0:04:57.398,0:04:59.464
She's drawing something[br]political."[br][ Chuckles ]

0:04:59.466,0:05:01.466
Political."[br][ Chuckles ][br]you can't even point lesbians

0:05:01.468,0:05:03.335
[ Chuckles ][br]you can't even point lesbians[br]out, and they're so fucking

0:05:03.337,0:05:04.102
You can't even point lesbians[br]out, and they're so fucking[br]obvious.

0:05:04.104,0:05:06.204
Out, and they're so fucking[br]obvious.[br]They're so obvi-- But you can't

0:05:06.206,0:05:07.372
Obvious.[br]They're so obvi-- But you can't[br]point them out.

0:05:07.374,0:05:10.142
They're so obvi-- But you can't[br]point them out.[br]If you saw, like, fucking --

0:05:10.144,0:05:11.543
Point them out.[br]If you saw, like, fucking --[br]If i see like two lesbians in

0:05:11.545,0:05:13.045
If you saw, like, fucking --[br]If i see like two lesbians in[br]the audience and go, "excuse me,

0:05:13.047,0:05:14.413
If i see like two lesbians in[br]the audience and go, "excuse me,[br]are you lesbians?" They'll be

0:05:14.415,0:05:15.113
The audience and go, "excuse me,[br]are you lesbians?" They'll be[br]like, "what?

0:05:15.115,0:05:16.114
Are you lesbians?" They'll be[br]like, "what?[br]What the fuck? What?

0:05:16.116,0:05:17.382
Like, "what?[br]What the fuck? What?[br]What do you mean by that?"

0:05:17.384,0:05:18.250
What the fuck? What?[br]What do you mean by that?"[br]Right?

0:05:18.252,0:05:19.551
What do you mean by that?"[br]Right?[br]But if i see two gay guys in the

0:05:19.553,0:05:20.752
Right?[br]But if i see two gay guys in the[br]audience and go, "excuse me --

0:05:20.754,0:05:21.953
But if i see two gay guys in the[br]audience and go, "excuse me --[br]Are you gay guys?" They'll go

0:05:21.955,0:05:22.954
Audience and go, "excuse me --[br]Are you gay guys?" They'll go[br][ singsong voice ] "guilty!"

0:05:22.956,0:05:25.424
Are you gay guys?" They'll go[br][ singsong voice ] "guilty!"[br][ Normal voice ] 'cause gay guys

0:05:25.426,0:05:27.359
[ Singsong voice ] "guilty!"[br][ Normal voice ] 'cause gay guys[br]fucking love being gay.

0:05:27.361,0:05:29.227
[ Normal voice ] 'cause gay guys[br]fucking love being gay.[br]The word "gay" comes from

0:05:29.229,0:05:30.028
Fucking love being gay.[br]The word "gay" comes from[br]"happy."

0:05:30.030,0:05:32.331
The word "gay" comes from[br]"happy."[br]They like fucking men in the ass

0:05:32.333,0:05:34.633
"Happy."[br]They like fucking men in the ass[br]so much, they've called it

0:05:34.635,0:05:35.567
They like fucking men in the ass[br]so much, they've called it[br]"happy."

0:05:35.569,0:05:38.770
So much, they've called it[br]"happy."[br]I-I have been a heterosexual my

0:05:38.772,0:05:39.638
"Happy."[br]I-I have been a heterosexual my[br]whole life.

0:05:39.640,0:05:41.573
I-I have been a heterosexual my[br]whole life.[br]I would not call the experience

0:05:41.575,0:05:42.274
Whole life.[br]I would not call the experience[br]"happy."

0:05:42.276,0:05:44.142
I would not call the experience[br]"happy."[br]I would call it a struggle, at

0:05:44.144,0:05:48.347
"Happy."[br]I would call it a struggle, at[br]best.

0:05:48.349,0:05:50.449
I would call it a struggle, at[br]best.[br]I'll tell you another reason why

0:05:50.451,0:05:52.351
Best.[br]I'll tell you another reason why[br]it must be awesome to be a gay

0:05:52.353,0:05:52.884
I'll tell you another reason why[br]it must be awesome to be a gay[br]guy.

0:05:52.886,0:05:54.886
It must be awesome to be a gay[br]guy.[br]It must be wonderful to be in a

0:05:54.888,0:05:56.755
Guy.[br]It must be wonderful to be in a[br]relationship where, if you're

0:05:56.757,0:05:58.757
It must be wonderful to be in a[br]relationship where, if you're[br]partner's being a dickhead, you

0:05:58.759,0:06:03.729
Relationship where, if you're[br]partner's being a dickhead, you[br]can punch him in the head.

0:06:03.731,0:06:05.364
Partner's being a dickhead, you[br]can punch him in the head.[br]Hasn't that got to give your

0:06:05.366,0:06:06.798
Can punch him in the head.[br]Hasn't that got to give your[br]relationship a whole new

0:06:06.800,0:06:07.532
Hasn't that got to give your[br]relationship a whole new[br]dimension?

0:06:07.534,0:06:09.267
Relationship a whole new[br]dimension?[br]I can't tell you the amount of

0:06:09.269,0:06:10.969
Dimension?[br]I can't tell you the amount of[br]arguments i've had with women

0:06:10.971,0:06:12.738
I can't tell you the amount of[br]arguments i've had with women[br]that could have been sorted out

0:06:12.740,0:06:16.541
Arguments i've had with women[br]that could have been sorted out[br]quicker with a punch.

0:06:16.543,0:06:20.746
That could have been sorted out[br]quicker with a punch.[br]And while we're on the subject

0:06:20.748,0:06:24.449
Quicker with a punch.[br]And while we're on the subject[br]of domestic violence --

0:06:24.451,0:06:25.984
And while we're on the subject[br]of domestic violence --[br]It's a horrible thing.

0:06:25.986,0:06:28.186
Of domestic violence --[br]It's a horrible thing.[br]Of course it is, and...

0:06:28.188,0:06:32.824
It's a horrible thing.[br]Of course it is, and...[br]now, you ever met a woman who's,

0:06:32.826,0:06:34.192
Of course it is, and...[br]now, you ever met a woman who's,[br]like, been married like four

0:06:34.194,0:06:35.727
Now, you ever met a woman who's,[br]like, been married like four[br]times and she's like, "i guess i

0:06:35.729,0:06:37.162
Like, been married like four[br]times and she's like, "i guess i[br]just choose the wrong type of

0:06:37.164,0:06:37.562
Times and she's like, "i guess i[br]just choose the wrong type of[br]men"?

0:06:37.564,0:06:39.531
Just choose the wrong type of[br]men"?[br]"I've been married four times,

0:06:39.533,0:06:41.433
Men"?[br]"I've been married four times,[br]and all my husbands beat me."

0:06:41.435,0:06:43.368
"I've been married four times,[br]and all my husbands beat me."[br]And you're like, "all of them?

0:06:43.370,0:06:44.169
And all my husbands beat me."[br]And you're like, "all of them?[br]All four?

0:06:44.171,0:06:46.571
And you're like, "all of them?[br]All four?[br]One, two, three, fucking four?

0:06:46.573,0:06:48.106
All four?[br]One, two, three, fucking four?[br]They all beat you?

0:06:48.108,0:06:49.274
One, two, three, fucking four?[br]They all beat you?[br]Someone doesn't know when to

0:06:49.276,0:06:52.177
They all beat you?[br]Someone doesn't know when to[br]shut the fuck up, now, do they?"

0:06:52.179,0:06:56.014
Someone doesn't know when to[br]shut the fuck up, now, do they?"[br]'Cause i'm a tolerant man.

0:06:56.016,0:06:58.016
Shut the fuck up, now, do they?"[br]'Cause i'm a tolerant man.[br]I'll give anyone three, but

0:06:58.018,0:07:00.385
'Cause i'm a tolerant man.[br]I'll give anyone three, but[br]four?

0:07:00.387,0:07:02.187
I'll give anyone three, but[br]four?[br]You're a fucking button-Pusher.

0:07:02.189,0:07:05.123
Four?[br]You're a fucking button-Pusher.[br]Come on.

0:07:05.125,0:07:07.459
You're a fucking button-Pusher.[br]Come on.[br]That's a nice, cheery way to

0:07:07.461,0:07:13.198
Come on.[br]That's a nice, cheery way to[br]start the show.

0:07:13.200,0:07:14.766
That's a nice, cheery way to[br]start the show.[br]I do a lot of gigs -- Well, not

0:07:14.768,0:07:16.201
Start the show.[br]I do a lot of gigs -- Well, not[br]a lot -- I do some gigs out in

0:07:16.203,0:07:17.736
I do a lot of gigs -- Well, not[br]a lot -- I do some gigs out in[br]iraq and afghanistan and stuff

0:07:17.738,0:07:19.304
A lot -- I do some gigs out in[br]iraq and afghanistan and stuff[br]like that, which, if i was in an

0:07:19.306,0:07:20.839
Iraq and afghanistan and stuff[br]like that, which, if i was in an[br]american crowd right now, they'd

0:07:20.841,0:07:22.574
Like that, which, if i was in an[br]american crowd right now, they'd[br]go, "whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah!"

0:07:22.576,0:07:24.009
American crowd right now, they'd[br]go, "whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah!"[br]But i'm not, so i can be honest

0:07:24.011,0:07:24.543
Go, "whoo! Yeah, yeah, yeah!"[br]But i'm not, so i can be honest[br]with you.

0:07:24.545,0:07:25.410
But i'm not, so i can be honest[br]with you.[br]I do it for money.

0:07:25.412,0:07:30.315
With you.[br]I do it for money.[br]Um, the first time --

0:07:30.317,0:07:32.918
I do it for money.[br]Um, the first time --[br]Over there it's like i'm king.

0:07:32.920,0:07:34.686
Um, the first time --[br]Over there it's like i'm king.[br]The first time i go do a gig in

0:07:34.688,0:07:36.488
Over there it's like i'm king.[br]The first time i go do a gig in[br]iraq, they fly me and my manager

0:07:36.490,0:07:37.923
The first time i go do a gig in[br]iraq, they fly me and my manager[br]in a passenger plane into

0:07:37.925,0:07:38.490
Iraq, they fly me and my manager[br]in a passenger plane into[br]kuwait.

0:07:38.492,0:07:40.692
In a passenger plane into[br]kuwait.[br]Now, it turns out that kuwait is

0:07:40.694,0:07:42.761
Kuwait.[br]Now, it turns out that kuwait is[br]a regular country that anyone

0:07:42.763,0:07:45.464
Now, it turns out that kuwait is[br]a regular country that anyone[br]can visit.

0:07:45.466,0:07:47.499
A regular country that anyone[br]can visit.[br]Then a military truck gets me

0:07:47.501,0:07:49.501
Can visit.[br]Then a military truck gets me[br]and my manager and drives us

0:07:49.503,0:07:51.703
Then a military truck gets me[br]and my manager and drives us[br]over the border into iraq and

0:07:51.705,0:07:52.771
And my manager and drives us[br]over the border into iraq and[br]drops us off.

0:07:52.773,0:07:54.306
Over the border into iraq and[br]drops us off.[br]And we're standing in the middle

0:07:54.308,0:07:55.574
Drops us off.[br]And we're standing in the middle[br]of the desert of a war-Torn

0:07:55.576,0:07:56.107
And we're standing in the middle[br]of the desert of a war-Torn[br]country.

0:07:56.109,0:07:57.409
Of the desert of a war-Torn[br]country.[br]We can't see anything on the

0:07:57.411,0:07:57.943
Country.[br]We can't see anything on the[br]horizon.

0:07:57.945,0:07:59.411
We can't see anything on the[br]horizon.[br]And i turn to my manager and go,

0:07:59.413,0:08:04.282
Horizon.[br]And i turn to my manager and go,[br]"good booking, fuckface."

0:08:04.284,0:08:06.218
And i turn to my manager and go,[br]"good booking, fuckface."[br]And then this helicopter comes

0:08:06.220,0:08:08.253
"Good booking, fuckface."[br]And then this helicopter comes[br]in over the horizon and lands in

0:08:08.255,0:08:10.222
And then this helicopter comes[br]in over the horizon and lands in[br]front of us, and the blades are

0:08:10.224,0:08:11.156
In over the horizon and lands in[br]front of us, and the blades are[br]still going.

0:08:11.158,0:08:13.024
Front of us, and the blades are[br]still going.[br]And this soldier runs off and

0:08:13.026,0:08:14.259
Still going.[br]And this soldier runs off and[br]goes, "excuse me!

0:08:14.261,0:08:15.794
And this soldier runs off and[br]goes, "excuse me![br]Are you jim jefferies?"

0:08:15.796,0:08:17.429
Goes, "excuse me![br]Are you jim jefferies?"[br]And i went, "what other white

0:08:17.431,0:08:19.197
Are you jim jefferies?"[br]And i went, "what other white[br]cunt were you looking for in the

0:08:19.199,0:08:25.136
And i went, "what other white[br]cunt were you looking for in the[br]desert at this exact location?"

0:08:25.138,0:08:26.805
Cunt were you looking for in the[br]desert at this exact location?"[br]Then he hands me my bulletproof

0:08:26.807,0:08:27.906
Desert at this exact location?"[br]Then he hands me my bulletproof[br]vest and my helmet.

0:08:27.908,0:08:29.341
Then he hands me my bulletproof[br]vest and my helmet.[br]He's obviously wearing his

0:08:29.343,0:08:31.042
Vest and my helmet.[br]He's obviously wearing his[br]bulletproof vest and his helmet.

0:08:31.044,0:08:32.844
He's obviously wearing his[br]bulletproof vest and his helmet.[br]His are camouflaged.

0:08:32.846,0:08:35.614
Bulletproof vest and his helmet.[br]His are camouflaged.[br]Mine?

0:08:35.616,0:08:38.250
His are camouflaged.[br]Mine?[br]Fucking blue.

0:08:38.251,0:08:39.551
Mine?[br]Fucking blue.[br]And i said, "why do i have a

0:08:39.553,0:08:40.619
Fucking blue.[br]And i said, "why do i have a[br]blue vest and helmet?"

0:08:40.621,0:08:41.953
And i said, "why do i have a[br]blue vest and helmet?"[br]He said, "that's so the enemy

0:08:41.955,0:08:43.121
Blue vest and helmet?"[br]He said, "that's so the enemy[br]know you're a civilian."

0:08:43.123,0:08:44.489
He said, "that's so the enemy[br]know you're a civilian."[br]I'm like, "does the enemy give

0:08:44.491,0:08:46.258
Know you're a civilian."[br]I'm like, "does the enemy give[br]a shit?

0:08:46.260,0:08:47.893
I'm like, "does the enemy give[br]a shit?[br]That's my main concern, because

0:08:47.895,0:08:49.327
A shit?[br]That's my main concern, because[br]i've never been a sniper."

0:08:49.329,0:08:50.829
That's my main concern, because[br]i've never been a sniper."[br]But every time i got off the

0:08:50.831,0:08:52.497
I've never been a sniper."[br]But every time i got off the[br]helicopter, i was surrounded by

0:08:52.499,0:08:53.798
But every time i got off the[br]helicopter, i was surrounded by[br]soldiers protecting me.

0:08:53.800,0:08:55.467
Helicopter, i was surrounded by[br]soldiers protecting me.[br]If i was a sniper, i'd be like,

0:08:55.469,0:08:56.768
Soldiers protecting me.[br]If i was a sniper, i'd be like,[br]"the cunt in blue looks

0:08:56.770,0:08:57.502
If i was a sniper, i'd be like,[br]"the cunt in blue looks[br]important."

0:08:57.504,0:08:57.969
"The cunt in blue looks[br]important."[br]Right?

0:08:57.971,0:09:02.240
Important."[br]Right?[br]So...we got in this helicopter.

0:09:02.242,0:09:04.543
Right?[br]So...we got in this helicopter.[br][ Laughs ]

0:09:04.545,0:09:06.011
So...we got in this helicopter.[br][ Laughs ][br]and we're sitting in this

0:09:06.013,0:09:06.645
[ Laughs ][br]and we're sitting in this[br]chopper.

0:09:06.647,0:09:08.346
And we're sitting in this[br]chopper.[br]That's what we call them in the

0:09:08.348,0:09:09.414
Chopper.[br]That's what we call them in the[br]biz -- "Chopper."

0:09:09.416,0:09:10.315
That's what we call them in the[br]biz -- "Chopper."[br]And i'm sitting here.

0:09:10.317,0:09:11.516
Biz -- "Chopper."[br]And i'm sitting here.[br]And i got two soldiers sitting

0:09:11.518,0:09:12.651
And i'm sitting here.[br]And i got two soldiers sitting[br]next to me there, my manager,

0:09:12.653,0:09:13.552
And i got two soldiers sitting[br]next to me there, my manager,[br]brett, sitting there.

0:09:13.554,0:09:14.619
Next to me there, my manager,[br]brett, sitting there.[br]He's got two soldiers sitting

0:09:14.621,0:09:15.186
Brett, sitting there.[br]He's got two soldiers sitting[br]next to him.

0:09:15.188,0:09:16.187
He's got two soldiers sitting[br]next to him.[br]There's two soldiers in the

0:09:16.189,0:09:16.755
Next to him.[br]There's two soldiers in the[br]cockpit.

0:09:16.757,0:09:18.290
There's two soldiers in the[br]cockpit.[br]There's a great big door open

0:09:18.292,0:09:19.791
Cockpit.[br]There's a great big door open[br]next to me there, and there's

0:09:19.793,0:09:21.393
There's a great big door open[br]next to me there, and there's[br]another door open there, and at

0:09:21.395,0:09:22.894
Next to me there, and there's[br]another door open there, and at[br]that door is a soldier with a

0:09:22.896,0:09:25.797
Another door open there, and at[br]that door is a soldier with a[br]great big gun on a hinge, with

0:09:25.799,0:09:27.198
That door is a soldier with a[br]great big gun on a hinge, with[br]bullets coming out of it like

0:09:27.200,0:09:28.700
Great big gun on a hinge, with[br]bullets coming out of it like[br]that thing that chewbacca wears.

0:09:28.702,0:09:32.837
Bullets coming out of it like[br]that thing that chewbacca wears.[br]And we take off, and off we go

0:09:32.839,0:09:33.738
That thing that chewbacca wears.[br]And we take off, and off we go[br]to baghdad.

0:09:33.740,0:09:35.707
And we take off, and off we go[br]to baghdad.[br]And as we hit the border of the

0:09:35.709,0:09:37.776
To baghdad.[br]And as we hit the border of the[br]city, i hear a great big "bang!"

0:09:37.778,0:09:39.444
And as we hit the border of the[br]city, i hear a great big "bang!"[br]And these two small flares shoot

0:09:39.446,0:09:41.046
City, i hear a great big "bang!"[br]And these two small flares shoot[br]out from the small wings of the

0:09:41.048,0:09:42.647
And these two small flares shoot[br]out from the small wings of the[br]helicopter, followed by a trail

0:09:42.649,0:09:43.281
Out from the small wings of the[br]helicopter, followed by a trail[br]of smoke.

0:09:43.283,0:09:44.516
Helicopter, followed by a trail[br]of smoke.[br]And the helicopter goes,

0:09:44.518,0:09:46.985
Of smoke.[br]And the helicopter goes,[br]"fwwhhh! Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh!"

0:09:46.987,0:09:48.453
And the helicopter goes,[br]"fwwhhh! Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh!"[br]Now, the reason they do this is,

0:09:48.455,0:09:49.788
"Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh! Fwwhhh!"[br]Now, the reason they do this is,[br]when they get over the danger

0:09:49.790,0:09:51.222
Now, the reason they do this is,[br]when they get over the danger[br]area, if there's a heat-Seeking

0:09:51.224,0:09:52.657
When they get over the danger[br]area, if there's a heat-Seeking[br]missile, it'll be distracted by

0:09:52.659,0:09:53.758
Area, if there's a heat-Seeking[br]missile, it'll be distracted by[br]the flares, and then the

0:09:53.760,0:09:55.026
Missile, it'll be distracted by[br]the flares, and then the[br]helicopter will fly out of

0:09:55.028,0:09:56.861
The flares, and then the[br]helicopter will fly out of[br]range -- Very clever.

0:09:56.863,0:09:59.197
Helicopter will fly out of[br]range -- Very clever.[br]Now...

0:09:59.199,0:10:02.834
Range -- Very clever.[br]Now...[br]they never told me this was

0:10:02.836,0:10:03.335
Now...[br]they never told me this was[br]happening.

0:10:03.337,0:10:05.070
They never told me this was[br]happening.[br]As far as i'm concerned, the

0:10:05.072,0:10:08.406
Happening.[br]As far as i'm concerned, the[br]wings have just exploded and

0:10:08.408,0:10:09.975
As far as i'm concerned, the[br]wings have just exploded and[br]we're now plummeting to our

0:10:09.977,0:10:12.210
Wings have just exploded and[br]we're now plummeting to our[br]death, but it's nice to know how

0:10:12.212,0:10:14.179
We're now plummeting to our[br]death, but it's nice to know how[br]you react under pressure,

0:10:14.181,0:10:16.448
Death, but it's nice to know how[br]you react under pressure,[br]because i reacted thusly -- By

0:10:16.450,0:10:18.383
You react under pressure,[br]because i reacted thusly -- By[br]vomiting over my lovely blue

0:10:18.385,0:10:20.552
Because i reacted thusly -- By[br]vomiting over my lovely blue[br]vest, ironically making it more

0:10:20.554,0:10:24.322
Vomiting over my lovely blue[br]vest, ironically making it more[br]camouflage than it was before,

0:10:24.324,0:10:25.991
Vest, ironically making it more[br]camouflage than it was before,[br]and yelling out, "we're going

0:10:25.993,0:10:27.792
Camouflage than it was before,[br]and yelling out, "we're going[br]down!"

0:10:27.794,0:10:29.661
And yelling out, "we're going[br]down!"[br]The two pilots, the sergeants,

0:10:29.663,0:10:31.429
Down!"[br]The two pilots, the sergeants,[br]the gunner -- They all start

0:10:31.431,0:10:33.231
The two pilots, the sergeants,[br]the gunner -- They all start[br]pissing themselves, laughing.

0:10:33.233,0:10:34.833
The gunner -- They all start[br]pissing themselves, laughing.[br]They're reaching through.

0:10:34.835,0:10:36.768
Pissing themselves, laughing.[br]They're reaching through.[br]They're high-Fiving each other.

0:10:36.770,0:10:38.136
They're reaching through.[br]They're high-Fiving each other.[br]They're tearing it down.

0:10:38.138,0:10:39.738
They're high-Fiving each other.[br]They're tearing it down.[br]They've been waiting for this

0:10:39.740,0:10:40.739
They're tearing it down.[br]They've been waiting for this[br]joke for months.

0:10:40.741,0:10:42.374
They've been waiting for this[br]joke for months.[br]I'm cleaning vomit off myself,

0:10:42.376,0:10:44.009
Joke for months.[br]I'm cleaning vomit off myself,[br]going, "oh, you, that was a good

0:10:44.011,0:10:44.476
I'm cleaning vomit off myself,[br]going, "oh, you, that was a good[br]one.

0:10:44.478,0:10:45.877
Going, "oh, you, that was a good[br]one.[br]Thank you for defending my

0:10:45.879,0:10:46.511
One.[br]Thank you for defending my[br]freedom."

0:10:46.513,0:10:49.881
Thank you for defending my[br]freedom."[br]Right?

0:10:49.883,0:10:51.516
Freedom."[br]Right?[br]So, i sit back down, covered in

0:10:51.518,0:10:52.884
Right?[br]So, i sit back down, covered in[br]vomit in the helicopter --

0:10:52.886,0:10:53.385
So, i sit back down, covered in[br]vomit in the helicopter --[br]"Ugh."

0:10:53.387,0:10:54.919
Vomit in the helicopter --[br]"Ugh."[br]And so i'm trying to look out

0:10:54.921,0:10:56.388
"Ugh."[br]And so i'm trying to look out[br]the door to try to un-Quease

0:10:56.390,0:10:56.955
And so i'm trying to look out[br]the door to try to un-Quease[br]myself.

0:10:56.957,0:10:58.423
The door to try to un-Quease[br]myself.[br]And i'm looking out over the

0:10:58.425,0:11:00.025
Myself.[br]And i'm looking out over the[br]ground, over baghdad -- By the

0:11:00.027,0:11:01.526
And i'm looking out over the[br]ground, over baghdad -- By the[br]way, baghdad, beautiful city,

0:11:01.528,0:11:06.031
Ground, over baghdad -- By the[br]way, baghdad, beautiful city,[br]untouched -- And i look out on

0:11:06.033,0:11:07.932
Way, baghdad, beautiful city,[br]untouched -- And i look out on[br]the ground, and i see a little

0:11:07.934,0:11:09.701
Untouched -- And i look out on[br]the ground, and i see a little[br]arab fellow with a handgun

0:11:09.703,0:11:11.636
The ground, and i see a little[br]arab fellow with a handgun[br]shooting up at the helicopter,

0:11:11.638,0:11:13.371
Arab fellow with a handgun[br]shooting up at the helicopter,[br]just -- [ Imitates gunshots ]

0:11:13.373,0:11:14.806
Shooting up at the helicopter,[br]just -- [ Imitates gunshots ][br]once again, i freak out.

0:11:14.808,0:11:17.676
Just -- [ Imitates gunshots ][br]once again, i freak out.[br]"We're being fired on!"

0:11:17.678,0:11:19.210
Once again, i freak out.[br]"We're being fired on!"[br]The gunner now is laughing so

0:11:19.212,0:11:20.011
"We're being fired on!"[br]The gunner now is laughing so[br]fucking hard.

0:11:20.013,0:11:21.546
The gunner now is laughing so[br]fucking hard.[br]He's laughing even harder than

0:11:21.548,0:11:22.447
Fucking hard.[br]He's laughing even harder than[br]he was before.

0:11:22.449,0:11:23.848
He's laughing even harder than[br]he was before.[br]He's laughing so hard, he's

0:11:23.850,0:11:24.649
He was before.[br]He's laughing so hard, he's[br]keeled over.

0:11:24.651,0:11:26.217
He's laughing so hard, he's[br]keeled over.[br]The gun's just dangling out in

0:11:26.219,0:11:27.819
Keeled over.[br]The gun's just dangling out in[br]the hinge.

0:11:27.821,0:11:29.454
The gun's just dangling out in[br]the hinge.[br]And i'm like, "what's your

0:11:29.456,0:11:30.855
The hinge.[br]And i'm like, "what's your[br]fucking problem, man?"

0:11:30.857,0:11:32.490
And i'm like, "what's your[br]fucking problem, man?"[br]And he's like, "jim, you're

0:11:32.492,0:11:34.359
Fucking problem, man?"[br]And he's like, "jim, you're[br]gonna have to calm down, mate.

0:11:34.361,0:11:36.594
And he's like, "jim, you're[br]gonna have to calm down, mate.[br]We're in a military helicopter

0:11:36.596,0:11:38.596
Gonna have to calm down, mate.[br]We're in a military helicopter[br]with a bulletproof bottom.

0:11:38.598,0:11:41.499
We're in a military helicopter[br]with a bulletproof bottom.[br]That's a handgun.

0:11:41.501,0:11:42.600
With a bulletproof bottom.[br]That's a handgun.[br]We're so high up, the bullets

0:11:42.602,0:11:43.401
That's a handgun.[br]We're so high up, the bullets[br]can't even reach us.

0:11:43.403,0:11:44.302
We're so high up, the bullets[br]can't even reach us.[br]They just sort of go --

0:11:44.304,0:11:46.771
Can't even reach us.[br]They just sort of go --[br][ Whistles ]"

0:11:46.773,0:11:48.206
They just sort of go --[br][ Whistles ]"[br]and then i jokingly said,

0:11:48.208,0:11:49.841
[ Whistles ]"[br]and then i jokingly said,[br]"[ chuckles ] i bet our bullets

0:11:49.843,0:11:50.775
And then i jokingly said,[br]"[ chuckles ] i bet our bullets[br]can reach him."

0:11:50.777,0:11:52.143
"[ Chuckles ] i bet our bullets[br]can reach him."[br]And he went, "oh, yeah."

0:11:52.145,0:11:54.412
Can reach him."[br]And he went, "oh, yeah."[br][ Imitates gunfire ]

0:11:54.414,0:12:17.435
And the little cunt died.[br]And -- And i was like,[br]"[ sighs ]

0:12:17.437,0:12:20.238
And -- And i was like,[br]"[ sighs ][br]i was just saying, mate.

0:12:20.240,0:12:22.707
"[ Sighs ][br]i was just saying, mate.[br]I was just saying.

0:12:22.709,0:12:24.142
I was just saying, mate.[br]I was just saying.[br]I didn't want to ruin anyone's

0:12:24.144,0:12:25.944
I was just saying.[br]I didn't want to ruin anyone's[br]day."

0:12:25.946,0:12:27.412
I didn't want to ruin anyone's[br]day."[br][ Laughs ]

0:12:27.414,0:12:28.980
Day."[br][ Laughs ][br]isn't that a fun story about a

0:12:28.982,0:12:32.584
[ Laughs ][br]isn't that a fun story about a[br]man dying?

0:12:32.586,0:12:33.885
Isn't that a fun story about a[br]man dying?[br]It's funny, though.

0:12:33.887,0:12:37.889
Man dying?[br]It's funny, though.[br]My limited time in a war zone,

0:12:37.891,0:12:39.524
It's funny, though.[br]My limited time in a war zone,[br]i really, you know, didn't see

0:12:39.526,0:12:40.959
My limited time in a war zone,[br]i really, you know, didn't see[br]what all the bad stuff was.

0:12:40.961,0:12:43.628
I really, you know, didn't see[br]what all the bad stuff was.[br]They were very nice to me.

0:12:43.630,0:12:45.130
What all the bad stuff was.[br]They were very nice to me.[br]But this was kind of crazy to

0:12:45.132,0:12:46.331
They were very nice to me.[br]But this was kind of crazy to[br]me 'cause i don't know,

0:12:46.333,0:12:47.799
But this was kind of crazy to[br]me 'cause i don't know,[br]historically, how we're gonna

0:12:47.801,0:12:48.600
Me 'cause i don't know,[br]historically, how we're gonna[br]talk about it.

0:12:48.602,0:12:50.702
Historically, how we're gonna[br]talk about it.[br]See, like, my grandfather --

0:12:50.704,0:12:52.771
Talk about it.[br]See, like, my grandfather --[br]He fought during the second

0:12:52.773,0:12:55.140
See, like, my grandfather --[br]He fought during the second[br]world war, for the japs, weirdly

0:12:55.142,0:12:56.908
He fought during the second[br]world war, for the japs, weirdly[br]enough.

0:12:56.910,0:12:58.443
World war, for the japs, weirdly[br]enough.[br]No, no, for the australians.

0:12:58.445,0:12:59.711
Enough.[br]No, no, for the australians.[br]He killed a lot of japanese --

0:12:59.713,0:13:01.980
No, no, for the australians.[br]He killed a lot of japanese --[br]Hated them till he died.

0:13:01.982,0:13:03.348
He killed a lot of japanese --[br]Hated them till he died.[br]"Love the food, hate the

0:13:03.350,0:13:05.316
Hated them till he died.[br]"Love the food, hate the[br]people," he used to say.

0:13:05.318,0:13:07.085
"Love the food, hate the[br]people," he used to say.[br]What a complex man.

0:13:07.087,0:13:10.622
People," he used to say.[br]What a complex man.[br]And...

0:13:10.624,0:13:13.191
What a complex man.[br]And...[br]i used to love listening -- When

0:13:13.193,0:13:15.059
And...[br]i used to love listening -- When[br]i was a kid, listening to him

0:13:15.061,0:13:16.728
I used to love listening -- When[br]i was a kid, listening to him[br]tell stories about killing

0:13:16.730,0:13:17.362
I was a kid, listening to him[br]tell stories about killing[br]nazis.

0:13:17.364,0:13:19.063
Tell stories about killing[br]nazis.[br]There was always something

0:13:19.065,0:13:20.832
Nazis.[br]There was always something[br]exciting about it, you know?

0:13:20.834,0:13:22.834
There was always something[br]exciting about it, you know?[br]I just don't know what i would

0:13:22.836,0:13:24.736
Exciting about it, you know?[br]I just don't know what i would[br]tell my grandson about what's

0:13:24.738,0:13:26.437
I just don't know what i would[br]tell my grandson about what's[br]happening in history now.

0:13:26.439,0:13:28.473
Tell my grandson about what's[br]happening in history now.[br]I imagine i'll be 80 years old,

0:13:28.475,0:13:30.542
Happening in history now.[br]I imagine i'll be 80 years old,[br]i'll be sitting in my chair, and

0:13:30.544,0:13:32.277
I imagine i'll be 80 years old,[br]i'll be sitting in my chair, and[br]my grandson will be on the

0:13:32.279,0:13:33.845
I'll be sitting in my chair, and[br]my grandson will be on the[br]floor, looking up at me

0:13:33.847,0:13:35.113
My grandson will be on the[br]floor, looking up at me[br]adoringly.

0:13:35.115,0:13:40.885
Floor, looking up at me[br]adoringly.[br]And i'll go, "now, there used to

0:13:40.887,0:13:45.089
Adoringly.[br]And i'll go, "now, there used to[br]be these people called arabs.

0:13:45.091,0:13:46.024
And i'll go, "now, there used to[br]be these people called arabs.[br]And they lived in the

0:13:46.026,0:13:48.626
Be these people called arabs.[br]And they lived in the[br]middle east, or, as you call it,

0:13:48.628,0:13:53.531
And they lived in the[br]middle east, or, as you call it,[br]the radiation zone.

0:13:53.533,0:13:54.933
Middle east, or, as you call it,[br]the radiation zone.[br]In 2020,

0:13:54.935,0:13:59.070
The radiation zone.[br]In 2020,[br]president macaulay culkin got

0:13:59.072,0:14:00.705
In 2020,[br]president macaulay culkin got[br]really upset with the arabs, and

0:14:00.707,0:14:02.440
President macaulay culkin got[br]really upset with the arabs, and[br]he nuked them all.

0:14:02.442,0:14:04.309
Really upset with the arabs, and[br]he nuked them all.[br]But what macaulay culkin and the

0:14:04.311,0:14:05.944
He nuked them all.[br]But what macaulay culkin and the[br]rest of the americans hadn't

0:14:05.946,0:14:07.545
But what macaulay culkin and the[br]rest of the americans hadn't[br]realized was that china had

0:14:07.547,0:14:09.180
Rest of the americans hadn't[br]realized was that china had[br]slowly but surely become the

0:14:09.182,0:14:10.648
Realized was that china had[br]slowly but surely become the[br]superpower of the world.

0:14:10.650,0:14:12.483
Slowly but surely become the[br]superpower of the world.[br]So, while the americans were

0:14:12.485,0:14:14.385
Superpower of the world.[br]So, while the americans were[br]nuking the arabs, the chinese

0:14:14.387,0:14:16.421
So, while the americans were[br]nuking the arabs, the chinese[br]nuked the americans, and that's

0:14:16.423,0:14:18.423
Nuking the arabs, the chinese[br]nuked the americans, and that's[br]why we have no americans and no

0:14:18.425,0:14:20.158
Nuked the americans, and that's[br]why we have no americans and no[br]arabs."

0:14:20.160,0:14:21.492
Why we have no americans and no[br]arabs."[br]And then my grandson will look

0:14:21.494,0:14:24.495
Arabs."[br]And then my grandson will look[br]up at me and go...

0:14:24.497,0:14:26.764
And then my grandson will look[br]up at me and go...[br]"mashaba awa."

0:14:26.766,0:14:39.444
[ Applause ][br][ laughs ][br]you know what i like about that

0:14:39.446,0:14:39.944
[ Laughs ][br]you know what i like about that[br]joke?

0:14:39.946,0:14:41.746
You know what i like about that[br]joke?[br]It has the feel of racism, but

0:14:41.748,0:14:46.284
Joke?[br]It has the feel of racism, but[br]you can't pick the exact moment.

0:14:46.286,0:14:48.253
It has the feel of racism, but[br]you can't pick the exact moment.[br]Like, you know it is.

0:14:48.255,0:14:51.956
You can't pick the exact moment.[br]Like, you know it is.[br]It's definitely racist.

0:14:51.958,0:14:53.825
Like, you know it is.[br]It's definitely racist.[br]So, let's change the subject

0:14:53.827,0:14:56.828
It's definitely racist.[br]So, let's change the subject[br]quickly.

0:14:56.830,0:14:58.730
So, let's change the subject[br]quickly.[br]How do blind people wipe their

0:14:58.732,0:15:02.100
Quickly.[br]How do blind people wipe their[br]asses?

0:15:02.102,0:15:03.701
How do blind people wipe their[br]asses?[br]I know you're thinking, "the

0:15:03.703,0:15:05.336
Asses?[br]I know you're thinking, "the[br]same as us," but you're not

0:15:05.338,0:15:08.206
I know you're thinking, "the[br]same as us," but you're not[br]thinking outside the box, 'cause

0:15:08.208,0:15:10.608
Same as us," but you're not[br]thinking outside the box, 'cause[br]wiping your ass is a very visual

0:15:10.610,0:15:12.410
Thinking outside the box, 'cause[br]wiping your ass is a very visual[br]activity.

0:15:12.412,0:15:14.479
Wiping your ass is a very visual[br]activity.[br]No one's ever just leant up,

0:15:14.481,0:15:16.514
Activity.[br]No one's ever just leant up,[br]wiped, then dropped into the

0:15:16.516,0:15:18.716
No one's ever just leant up,[br]wiped, then dropped into the[br]bowl.

0:15:18.718,0:15:21.819
Wiped, then dropped into the[br]bowl.[br]You wipe. You check.

0:15:21.821,0:15:23.254
Bowl.[br]You wipe. You check.[br]"There's a lot of poo there.

0:15:23.256,0:15:26.391
You wipe. You check.[br]"There's a lot of poo there.[br]I'm gonna wipe again.

0:15:26.393,0:15:29.994
"There's a lot of poo there.[br]I'm gonna wipe again.[br]There's still a lot of poo.

0:15:29.996,0:15:31.729
I'm gonna wipe again.[br]There's still a lot of poo.[br]It feels dry, but there's

0:15:31.731,0:15:34.632
There's still a lot of poo.[br]It feels dry, but there's[br]still poo.

0:15:34.634,0:15:38.836
It feels dry, but there's[br]still poo.[br]I think i left one up there."

0:15:38.838,0:15:40.605
Still poo.[br]I think i left one up there."[br]I bet that's where the dog comes

0:15:40.607,0:15:41.339
I think i left one up there."[br]I bet that's where the dog comes[br]in handy.

0:15:41.341,0:15:42.507
I bet that's where the dog comes[br]in handy.[br][ Audience groans ]

0:15:42.509,0:15:44.042
In handy.[br][ Audience groans ][br]ohh!

0:15:44.044,0:15:45.276
[ Audience groans ][br]ohh![br]No!

0:15:45.278,0:15:47.879
Ohh![br]No![br]No, don't --

0:15:47.881,0:15:49.714
No![br]No, don't --[br]I'm not saying the dog licks

0:15:49.716,0:15:52.817
No, don't --[br]I'm not saying the dog licks[br]the blind person's ass!

0:15:52.819,0:15:54.185
I'm not saying the dog licks[br]the blind person's ass![br]I'm saying these are very

0:15:54.187,0:15:56.120
The blind person's ass![br]I'm saying these are very[br]intelligent dogs.

0:15:56.122,0:15:57.889
I'm saying these are very[br]intelligent dogs.[br]They would have worked out some

0:15:57.891,0:16:01.626
Intelligent dogs.[br]They would have worked out some[br]form of barking system.

0:16:01.628,0:16:02.961
They would have worked out some[br]form of barking system.[br]So, the blind guy would have the

0:16:02.963,0:16:08.566
Form of barking system.[br]So, the blind guy would have the[br]dog, like, sit in front of him.

0:16:08.568,0:16:13.838
So, the blind guy would have the[br]dog, like, sit in front of him.[br]"Woof woof woof."

0:16:13.840,0:16:17.308
Dog, like, sit in front of him.[br]"Woof woof woof."[br]"Woof woof."

0:16:17.310,0:16:19.243
"Woof woof woof."[br]"Woof woof."[br]"Woof."

0:16:19.245,0:16:35.360
And they'd probably work out[br]some special morse code-Y bark[br]for when there's blood in the

0:16:35.362,0:16:41.032
Some special morse code-Y bark[br]for when there's blood in the[br]poo.

0:16:41.034,0:16:42.533
For when there's blood in the[br]poo.[br]No, 'cause they've already been

0:16:42.535,0:16:43.601
Poo.[br]No, 'cause they've already been[br]through a rough time.

0:16:43.603,0:16:44.402
No, 'cause they've already been[br]through a rough time.[br]They're blind.

0:16:44.404,0:16:47.905
Through a rough time.[br]They're blind.[br]No need for ass cancer.

0:16:47.907,0:16:49.774
They're blind.[br]No need for ass cancer.[br]Not that blood always means

0:16:49.776,0:16:50.708
No need for ass cancer.[br]Not that blood always means[br]ass cancer.

0:16:50.710,0:16:52.810
Not that blood always means[br]ass cancer.[br]I suffer from hemorrhoids, have

0:16:52.812,0:16:54.912
Ass cancer.[br]I suffer from hemorrhoids, have[br]done since i was 22 years old.

0:16:54.914,0:16:56.314
I suffer from hemorrhoids, have[br]done since i was 22 years old.[br]And it's a very young age to get

0:16:56.316,0:16:57.648
Done since i was 22 years old.[br]And it's a very young age to get[br]hemorrhoids, but there's a lot

0:16:57.650,0:16:58.516
And it's a very young age to get[br]hemorrhoids, but there's a lot[br]of blood involved.

0:16:58.518,0:16:59.984
Hemorrhoids, but there's a lot[br]of blood involved.[br]If you've never had one, there's

0:16:59.986,0:17:01.352
Of blood involved.[br]If you've never had one, there's[br]a lot of blood involved in a bad

0:17:01.354,0:17:01.953
If you've never had one, there's[br]a lot of blood involved in a bad[br]hemorrhoid.

0:17:01.955,0:17:04.055
A lot of blood involved in a bad[br]hemorrhoid.[br]I've had toilet bowls that look

0:17:04.057,0:17:07.858
Hemorrhoid.[br]I've had toilet bowls that look[br]like abortions.

0:17:07.861,0:17:10.094
I've had toilet bowls that look[br]like abortions.[br]Now, i'm not -- It's not good.

0:17:10.096,0:17:11.628
Like abortions.[br]Now, i'm not -- It's not good.[br]And the first time, when you're

0:17:11.631,0:17:13.097
Now, i'm not -- It's not good.[br]And the first time, when you're[br]22 and you get one, your brain

0:17:13.098,0:17:14.098
And the first time, when you're[br]22 and you get one, your brain[br]goes to ass cancer.

0:17:14.099,0:17:15.500
22 and you get one, your brain[br]goes to ass cancer.[br]You're like, "oh, i got ass

0:17:15.502,0:17:16.867
Goes to ass cancer.[br]You're like, "oh, i got ass[br]cancer," because no one ever

0:17:16.869,0:17:18.336
You're like, "oh, i got ass[br]cancer," because no one ever[br]told you about hemorrhoids when

0:17:18.338,0:17:19.069
Cancer," because no one ever[br]told you about hemorrhoids when[br]you're young.

0:17:19.071,0:17:20.637
Told you about hemorrhoids when[br]you're young.[br]Your dad never sits you down and

0:17:20.640,0:17:23.508
You're young.[br]Your dad never sits you down and[br]goes, "when you get a bit older,

0:17:23.510,0:17:25.843
Your dad never sits you down and[br]goes, "when you get a bit older,[br]you'll be pushing a poo a little

0:17:25.845,0:17:28.146
Goes, "when you get a bit older,[br]you'll be pushing a poo a little[br]bit hard, and a small portion of

0:17:28.147,0:17:31.916
You'll be pushing a poo a little[br]bit hard, and a small portion of[br]your asshole will fall out.

0:17:31.918,0:17:35.753
Bit hard, and a small portion of[br]your asshole will fall out.[br]Now, it's nothing to be alarmed

0:17:35.755,0:17:36.988
Your asshole will fall out.[br]Now, it's nothing to be alarmed[br]about.

0:17:36.990,0:17:38.456
Now, it's nothing to be alarmed[br]about.[br]It's just part of becoming a

0:17:38.458,0:17:42.193
About.[br]It's just part of becoming a[br][chuckling] man."

0:17:42.195,0:17:43.461
It's just part of becoming a[br][chuckling] man."[br]So, the first time i got a

0:17:43.463,0:17:44.929
[Chuckling] man."[br]So, the first time i got a[br]hemorrhoid, i didn't tell anyone

0:17:44.931,0:17:46.297
So, the first time i got a[br]hemorrhoid, i didn't tell anyone[br]'cause i thought i was dying,

0:17:46.299,0:17:46.931
Hemorrhoid, i didn't tell anyone[br]'cause i thought i was dying,[br]obviously.

0:17:46.933,0:17:48.366
'Cause i thought i was dying,[br]obviously.[br]And i go to see my doctor, the

0:17:48.368,0:17:49.667
Obviously.[br]And i go to see my doctor, the[br]same doctor that i've had my

0:17:49.669,0:17:51.102
And i go to see my doctor, the[br]same doctor that i've had my[br]whole life, and he makes me --

0:17:51.104,0:17:53.371
Same doctor that i've had my[br]whole life, and he makes me --[br]I go, "i got ass cancer."

0:17:53.373,0:17:56.007
Whole life, and he makes me --[br]I go, "i got ass cancer."[br]And he makes me bend over a

0:17:56.009,0:17:56.941
I go, "i got ass cancer."[br]And he makes me bend over a[br]chair.

0:17:56.943,0:17:58.576
And he makes me bend over a[br]chair.[br]And then he gets a rubber glove

0:17:58.578,0:18:00.178
Chair.[br]And then he gets a rubber glove[br]on, and he sort of prods around

0:18:00.180,0:18:01.279
And then he gets a rubber glove[br]on, and he sort of prods around[br]my ass a little bit.

0:18:01.281,0:18:02.747
On, and he sort of prods around[br]my ass a little bit.[br]And he goes, "oh, you've just

0:18:02.749,0:18:04.015
My ass a little bit.[br]And he goes, "oh, you've just[br]got hemorrhoids there."

0:18:04.017,0:18:05.650
And he goes, "oh, you've just[br]got hemorrhoids there."[br]And i said, "i thought that only

0:18:05.652,0:18:07.018
Got hemorrhoids there."[br]And i said, "i thought that only[br]happens to old people and

0:18:07.020,0:18:07.952
And i said, "i thought that only[br]happens to old people and[br]pregnant women."

0:18:07.954,0:18:10.088
Happens to old people and[br]pregnant women."[br]And he went, "and you."

0:18:10.090,0:18:27.371
So, i live in america now, and[br]i --[br][ Cheers and applause ]

0:18:27.373,0:18:29.373
I --[br][ Cheers and applause ][br][ chuckles ]

0:18:29.375,0:18:30.675
[ Cheers and applause ][br][ chuckles ][br]people get so entertained by

0:18:30.677,0:18:32.143
[ Chuckles ][br]people get so entertained by[br]that, but where else am i gonna

0:18:32.145,0:18:34.412
People get so entertained by[br]that, but where else am i gonna[br]put them?

0:18:34.414,0:18:35.746
That, but where else am i gonna[br]put them?[br]We'll put that away for

0:18:35.748,0:18:37.215
Put them?[br]We'll put that away for[br]continuity, in case they cut

0:18:37.217,0:18:44.055
We'll put that away for[br]continuity, in case they cut[br]the jokes up differently.

0:18:44.057,0:18:44.655
Continuity, in case they cut[br]the jokes up differently.[br]There we go.

0:18:44.657,0:18:45.523
The jokes up differently.[br]There we go.[br]That's a bit of a --

0:18:45.525,0:18:46.657
There we go.[br]That's a bit of a --[br]'Cause i know there's people

0:18:46.659,0:18:47.859
That's a bit of a --[br]'Cause i know there's people[br]that are sitting at home, going,

0:18:47.861,0:18:49.127
'Cause i know there's people[br]that are sitting at home, going,[br]"[ laughs ] that beer went like

0:18:49.129,0:18:50.394
That are sitting at home, going,[br]"[ laughs ] that beer went like[br]that, then it it went like that,

0:18:50.396,0:18:54.765
"[ Laughs ] that beer went like[br]that, then it it went like that,[br]then it went like that."

0:18:54.767,0:18:59.103
That, then it it went like that,[br]then it went like that."[br]Fucking nerds.

0:18:59.105,0:19:00.338
Then it went like that."[br]Fucking nerds.[br]So, i live in america, and it

0:19:00.340,0:19:01.606
Fucking nerds.[br]So, i live in america, and it[br]fucking blows my mind i live in

0:19:01.608,0:19:02.440
So, i live in america, and it[br]fucking blows my mind i live in[br]america now, man.

0:19:02.442,0:19:03.975
Fucking blows my mind i live in[br]america now, man.[br]I -- Coming from australia and

0:19:03.977,0:19:05.576
America now, man.[br]I -- Coming from australia and[br]everything, i never thought i'd

0:19:05.578,0:19:06.978
I -- Coming from australia and[br]everything, i never thought i'd[br]sort of go this far with my

0:19:06.980,0:19:08.079
Everything, i never thought i'd[br]sort of go this far with my[br]career or anything.

0:19:08.081,0:19:09.814
Sort of go this far with my[br]career or anything.[br]And i find myself -- Now i'm out

0:19:09.816,0:19:11.315
Career or anything.[br]And i find myself -- Now i'm out[br]there auditioning for major

0:19:11.317,0:19:12.517
And i find myself -- Now i'm out[br]there auditioning for major[br]movies and shit, man.

0:19:12.519,0:19:14.886
There auditioning for major[br]movies and shit, man.[br]And i still feel retarded every

0:19:14.888,0:19:16.454
Movies and shit, man.[br]And i still feel retarded every[br]time i go in there.

0:19:16.456,0:19:18.122
And i still feel retarded every[br]time i go in there.[br]Now, the first time i went for

0:19:18.124,0:19:19.724
Time i go in there.[br]Now, the first time i went for[br]an audition, i'd been in l.A.

0:19:19.726,0:19:21.025
Now, the first time i went for[br]an audition, i'd been in l.A.[br]For like a couple days.

0:19:21.027,0:19:22.627
An audition, i'd been in l.A.[br]For like a couple days.[br]And my agency sent me to this

0:19:22.629,0:19:24.328
For like a couple days.[br]And my agency sent me to this[br]audition and i went along and i

0:19:24.330,0:19:25.963
And my agency sent me to this[br]audition and i went along and i[br]met this girl in the corridor

0:19:25.965,0:19:26.797
Audition and i went along and i[br]met this girl in the corridor[br]called carla.

0:19:26.799,0:19:27.798
Met this girl in the corridor[br]called carla.[br]And i was really nervous, and

0:19:27.800,0:19:28.866
Called carla.[br]And i was really nervous, and[br]she could tell i was nervous.

0:19:28.868,0:19:29.901
And i was really nervous, and[br]she could tell i was nervous.[br]And she sort of calmed me down

0:19:29.903,0:19:30.902
She could tell i was nervous.[br]And she sort of calmed me down[br]and we had a little bit of a

0:19:30.904,0:19:31.936
And she sort of calmed me down[br]and we had a little bit of a[br]chat and she was really cute,

0:19:31.938,0:19:33.738
And we had a little bit of a[br]chat and she was really cute,[br]and we flirted together and

0:19:33.740,0:19:34.372
Chat and she was really cute,[br]and we flirted together and[br]stuff.

0:19:34.374,0:19:36.240
And we flirted together and[br]stuff.[br]And then i went and read the

0:19:36.242,0:19:38.042
Stuff.[br]And then i went and read the[br]little bit, and then i went

0:19:38.044,0:19:38.609
And then i went and read the[br]little bit, and then i went[br]home.

0:19:38.611,0:19:39.810
Little bit, and then i went[br]home.[br]And then i got a call later on

0:19:39.812,0:19:40.945
Home.[br]And then i got a call later on[br]that afternoon, going, "they

0:19:40.947,0:19:41.879
And then i got a call later on[br]that afternoon, going, "they[br]loved you.

0:19:41.881,0:19:42.914
That afternoon, going, "they[br]loved you.[br]You're gonna come back for a

0:19:42.916,0:19:43.414
Loved you.[br]You're gonna come back for a[br]callback."

0:19:43.416,0:19:44.315
You're gonna come back for a[br]callback."[br]So i'm like, "excellent.

0:19:44.317,0:19:44.949
Callback."[br]So i'm like, "excellent.[br]That's good.

0:19:44.951,0:19:46.284
So i'm like, "excellent.[br]That's good.[br]So, i go back for the callback,

0:19:46.286,0:19:47.652
That's good.[br]So, i go back for the callback,[br]and when you do callbacks, often

0:19:47.654,0:19:48.819
So, i go back for the callback,[br]and when you do callbacks, often[br]they have you reading with

0:19:48.821,0:19:49.520
And when you do callbacks, often[br]they have you reading with[br]another person.

0:19:49.522,0:19:50.788
They have you reading with[br]another person.[br]So, i'm in the room, reading

0:19:50.790,0:19:51.989
Another person.[br]So, i'm in the room, reading[br]with this girl, and it's the

0:19:51.991,0:19:53.224
So, i'm in the room, reading[br]with this girl, and it's the[br]same girl from the corridor.

0:19:53.226,0:19:54.091
With this girl, and it's the[br]same girl from the corridor.[br]It's carla, right?

0:19:54.093,0:19:55.259
Same girl from the corridor.[br]It's carla, right?[br]And we're sort of flirting,

0:19:55.261,0:19:56.460
It's carla, right?[br]And we're sort of flirting,[br]going, "hey, from the thing

0:19:56.462,0:19:57.628
And we're sort of flirting,[br]going, "hey, from the thing[br]before -- Ahh."

0:19:57.630,0:20:00.565
Going, "hey, from the thing[br]before -- Ahh."[br]And so we're reading.

0:20:00.567,0:20:01.666
Before -- Ahh."[br]And so we're reading.[br]We have great on-Screen

0:20:01.668,0:20:03.000
And so we're reading.[br]We have great on-Screen[br]chemistry and all that type of

0:20:03.002,0:20:03.367
We have great on-Screen[br]chemistry and all that type of[br]stuff.

0:20:03.369,0:20:04.902
Chemistry and all that type of[br]stuff.[br]Then after the audition, i said,

0:20:04.904,0:20:06.404
Stuff.[br]Then after the audition, i said,[br]"carla, do you have any taxicab

0:20:06.406,0:20:06.938
Then after the audition, i said,[br]"carla, do you have any taxicab[br]numbers?

0:20:06.940,0:20:08.072
"Carla, do you have any taxicab[br]numbers?[br]I got to get to my next

0:20:08.074,0:20:08.673
Numbers?[br]I got to get to my next[br]audition."

0:20:08.675,0:20:10.141
I got to get to my next[br]audition."[br]She said, "where are you trying

0:20:10.143,0:20:10.808
Audition."[br]She said, "where are you trying[br]to get to?"

0:20:10.810,0:20:12.109
She said, "where are you trying[br]to get to?"[br]And i went, "santa monica."

0:20:12.111,0:20:13.611
To get to?"[br]And i went, "santa monica."[br]And she said, "that's where i'm

0:20:13.613,0:20:14.045
And i went, "santa monica."[br]And she said, "that's where i'm[br]going.

0:20:14.047,0:20:15.746
And she said, "that's where i'm[br]going.[br]I'll give you a lift."

0:20:15.748,0:20:17.648
Going.[br]I'll give you a lift."[br]Now, please note at this stage

0:20:17.650,0:20:19.517
I'll give you a lift."[br]Now, please note at this stage[br]of the story i didn't ask for

0:20:19.519,0:20:20.851
Now, please note at this stage[br]of the story i didn't ask for[br]the lift.

0:20:20.853,0:20:23.087
Of the story i didn't ask for[br]the lift.[br]We go down to the car.

0:20:23.089,0:20:24.655
The lift.[br]We go down to the car.[br]She gets in.

0:20:24.657,0:20:26.557
We go down to the car.[br]She gets in.[br]She unwinds my window.

0:20:26.559,0:20:28.259
She gets in.[br]She unwinds my window.[br]She looks out and goes, "jim,

0:20:28.261,0:20:29.627
She unwinds my window.[br]She looks out and goes, "jim,[br]what's your full name?"

0:20:29.629,0:20:31.629
She looks out and goes, "jim,[br]what's your full name?"[br]And i went, "jim jefferies."

0:20:31.631,0:20:33.231
What's your full name?"[br]And i went, "jim jefferies."[br]And she went, "wait there."

0:20:33.233,0:20:34.799
And i went, "jim jefferies."[br]And she went, "wait there."[br]Then she called her mom up and

0:20:34.801,0:20:36.267
And she went, "wait there."[br]Then she called her mom up and[br]said, "hi, mom. It's carla."

0:20:36.269,0:20:37.935
Then she called her mom up and[br]said, "hi, mom. It's carla."[br]I just met a very nice boy at

0:20:37.937,0:20:39.604
Said, "hi, mom. It's carla."[br]I just met a very nice boy at[br]the audition today, and i'm

0:20:39.606,0:20:41.105
I just met a very nice boy at[br]the audition today, and i'm[br]going to give him a lift.

0:20:41.107,0:20:42.673
The audition today, and i'm[br]going to give him a lift.[br]But in case i get raped or

0:20:42.675,0:20:46.310
Going to give him a lift.[br]But in case i get raped or[br]murdered, his name's

0:20:46.312,0:20:47.445
But in case i get raped or[br]murdered, his name's[br]jim jefferies.

0:20:47.447,0:20:49.180
Murdered, his name's[br]jim jefferies.[br]So if you don't hear from me in

0:20:49.182,0:20:50.848
Jim jefferies.[br]So if you don't hear from me in[br]an hour, assume something bad

0:20:50.850,0:20:54.385
So if you don't hear from me in[br]an hour, assume something bad[br]has happened and call the cops.

0:20:54.387,0:20:57.888
An hour, assume something bad[br]has happened and call the cops.[br]Get it, jim!"

0:20:57.890,0:20:59.357
Has happened and call the cops.[br]Get it, jim!"[br]So i get in.

0:20:59.359,0:21:01.459
Get it, jim!"[br]So i get in.[br]We got like a 15-Mile drive.

0:21:01.461,0:21:03.661
So i get in.[br]We got like a 15-Mile drive.[br]I say fucking nothing for the

0:21:03.663,0:21:05.062
We got like a 15-Mile drive.[br]I say fucking nothing for the[br]first 5 miles.

0:21:05.064,0:21:06.664
I say fucking nothing for the[br]first 5 miles.[br]I just look forward.

0:21:06.666,0:21:09.033
First 5 miles.[br]I just look forward.[br]And eventually i turn to her and

0:21:09.035,0:21:11.235
I just look forward.[br]And eventually i turn to her and[br]go, "you've just made this rape

0:21:11.237,0:21:14.438
And eventually i turn to her and[br]go, "you've just made this rape[br]really awkward."

0:21:14.440,0:21:18.175
Go, "you've just made this rape[br]really awkward."[br]She fucking freaks out!

0:21:18.177,0:21:19.610
Really awkward."[br]She fucking freaks out![br]She slams her foot on the

0:21:19.612,0:21:20.177
She fucking freaks out![br]She slams her foot on the[br]brakes.

0:21:20.179,0:21:21.646
She slams her foot on the[br]brakes.[br]She skids off the highway.

0:21:21.648,0:21:23.114
Brakes.[br]She skids off the highway.[br]She starts slapping at me.

0:21:23.116,0:21:24.515
She skids off the highway.[br]She starts slapping at me.[br]I'm grabbing her wrists.

0:21:24.517,0:21:26.117
She starts slapping at me.[br]I'm grabbing her wrists.[br]Now i feel kind of rapey, and

0:21:26.119,0:21:28.619
I'm grabbing her wrists.[br]Now i feel kind of rapey, and[br]i didn't want to.

0:21:28.621,0:21:30.021
Now i feel kind of rapey, and[br]i didn't want to.[br]And it's like, "you offered the

0:21:30.023,0:21:31.155
I didn't want to.[br]And it's like, "you offered the[br]lift!

0:21:31.157,0:21:32.790
And it's like, "you offered the[br]lift![br]I didn't ask for the fucking

0:21:32.792,0:21:33.791
Lift![br]I didn't ask for the fucking[br]lift!

0:21:33.793,0:21:35.326
I didn't ask for the fucking[br]lift![br]You seem more concerned in

0:21:35.328,0:21:36.727
Lift![br]You seem more concerned in[br]solving this crime than

0:21:36.729,0:21:41.966
You seem more concerned in[br]solving this crime than[br]preventing it."

0:21:41.968,0:21:43.567
Solving this crime than[br]preventing it."[br]So, i raped her to teach her a

0:21:43.569,0:21:45.736
Preventing it."[br]So, i raped her to teach her a[br]lesson, 'cause...

0:21:45.738,0:21:49.073
So, i raped her to teach her a[br]lesson, 'cause...[br][ applause ]

0:21:49.075,0:21:54.745
Lesson, 'cause...[br][ applause ][br]...how else would she learn?

0:21:54.747,0:21:56.113
[ Applause ][br]...how else would she learn?[br]We're trying to sell this show

0:21:56.115,0:21:57.048
...how else would she learn?[br]We're trying to sell this show[br]to the americans.

0:21:57.050,0:22:01.519
We're trying to sell this show[br]to the americans.[br]I don't like our chances.

0:22:01.521,0:22:03.120
To the americans.[br]I don't like our chances.[br]So, let's do something we can

0:22:03.122,0:22:08.025
I don't like our chances.[br]So, let's do something we can[br]all enjoy.

0:22:08.027,0:22:09.760
So, let's do something we can[br]all enjoy.[br]Sometimes when i'm fucking a

0:22:09.762,0:22:13.731
All enjoy.[br]Sometimes when i'm fucking a[br]chick, i go to fuck them again

0:22:13.733,0:22:15.032
Sometimes when i'm fucking a[br]chick, i go to fuck them again[br]in the morning, and they'll say

0:22:15.034,0:22:17.301
Chick, i go to fuck them again[br]in the morning, and they'll say[br]something like this --

0:22:17.303,0:22:23.941
In the morning, and they'll say[br]something like this --[br]"No.

0:22:23.943,0:22:26.177
Something like this --[br]"No.[br]When we fucked last night, it

0:22:26.179,0:22:28.379
"No.[br]When we fucked last night, it[br]was a little bit dry, and now

0:22:28.381,0:22:30.648
When we fucked last night, it[br]was a little bit dry, and now[br]i'm sore."

0:22:30.650,0:22:33.417
Was a little bit dry, and now[br]i'm sore."[br]Now, to any woman who's said

0:22:33.419,0:22:35.586
I'm sore."[br]Now, to any woman who's said[br]something similar to this, may i

0:22:35.588,0:22:40.224
Now, to any woman who's said[br]something similar to this, may i[br]say, "your problem.

0:22:40.226,0:22:43.227
Something similar to this, may i[br]say, "your problem.[br]My job was to get an erection.

0:22:43.229,0:22:44.962
Say, "your problem.[br]My job was to get an erection.[br]Your job was to get your hole

0:22:44.964,0:22:46.964
My job was to get an erection.[br]Your job was to get your hole[br]wet.

0:22:46.966,0:22:49.567
Your job was to get your hole[br]wet.[br]Didn't you get your hole wet?

0:22:49.569,0:22:54.372
Wet.[br]Didn't you get your hole wet?[br]We both had things to do"?

0:22:54.374,0:22:58.242
Didn't you get your hole wet?[br]We both had things to do"?[br]See...

0:22:58.244,0:22:59.877
We both had things to do"?[br]See...[br]if i don't get an erection

0:22:59.879,0:23:01.779
See...[br]if i don't get an erection[br]during sex, i'm called impotent.

0:23:01.781,0:23:04.715
If i don't get an erection[br]during sex, i'm called impotent.[br]But a dry hole is the same as a

0:23:04.717,0:23:06.250
During sex, i'm called impotent.[br]But a dry hole is the same as a[br]flaccid penis.

0:23:06.252,0:23:09.120
But a dry hole is the same as a[br]flaccid penis.[br]A dry hole is an impotent hole

0:23:09.122,0:23:10.788
Flaccid penis.[br]A dry hole is an impotent hole[br]and you're not a complete woman

0:23:10.790,0:23:12.390
A dry hole is an impotent hole[br]and you're not a complete woman[br]and you should be ashamed of

0:23:12.392,0:23:13.057
And you're not a complete woman[br]and you should be ashamed of[br]yourself.

0:23:13.059,0:23:18.529
And you should be ashamed of[br]yourself.[br][ Cheers and applause ]

0:23:18.531,0:23:20.798
Yourself.[br][ Cheers and applause ][br]but women don't take

0:23:20.800,0:23:23.067
[ Cheers and applause ][br]but women don't take[br]responsibility for the dry hole.

0:23:23.069,0:23:24.668
But women don't take[br]responsibility for the dry hole.[br]If i go to fuck a chick tonight

0:23:24.670,0:23:26.137
Responsibility for the dry hole.[br]If i go to fuck a chick tonight[br]and i get too drunk, which i

0:23:26.139,0:23:27.805
If i go to fuck a chick tonight[br]and i get too drunk, which i[br]will -- And i go to fuck a chick

0:23:27.807,0:23:29.306
And i get too drunk, which i[br]will -- And i go to fuck a chick[br]and i don't get an erection,

0:23:29.308,0:23:30.808
Will -- And i go to fuck a chick[br]and i don't get an erection,[br]she'll go back to her friends

0:23:30.810,0:23:32.443
And i don't get an erection,[br]she'll go back to her friends[br]and go, "oh, i went to fuck that

0:23:32.445,0:23:33.344
She'll go back to her friends[br]and go, "oh, i went to fuck that[br]jim jefferies.

0:23:33.346,0:23:34.879
And go, "oh, i went to fuck that[br]jim jefferies.[br]He couldn't get an erection."

0:23:34.881,0:23:36.447
Jim jefferies.[br]He couldn't get an erection."[br]But if i go to fuck a chick and

0:23:36.449,0:23:37.982
He couldn't get an erection."[br]But if i go to fuck a chick and[br]she doesn't get wet, she'll go

0:23:37.984,0:23:39.450
But if i go to fuck a chick and[br]she doesn't get wet, she'll go[br]back to her friends and go,

0:23:39.452,0:23:41.585
She doesn't get wet, she'll go[br]back to her friends and go,[br]"i fucked jim jefferies.

0:23:41.587,0:23:45.456
Back to her friends and go,[br]"i fucked jim jefferies.[br]He didn't even get me wet."

0:23:45.458,0:23:47.691
"I fucked jim jefferies.[br]He didn't even get me wet."[br]Do you see the problem there?

0:23:47.693,0:23:50.995
He didn't even get me wet."[br]Do you see the problem there?[br]I'm in charge of everything.

0:23:50.997,0:23:53.464
Do you see the problem there?[br]I'm in charge of everything.[br]It's like -- I used to fuck this

0:23:53.466,0:23:54.899
I'm in charge of everything.[br]It's like -- I used to fuck this[br]chick for a while.

0:23:54.901,0:23:58.736
It's like -- I used to fuck this[br]chick for a while.[br]I start fucking her, and she

0:23:58.738,0:23:59.970
Chick for a while.[br]I start fucking her, and she[br]sent me a text -- Well, you

0:23:59.972,0:24:01.071
I start fucking her, and she[br]sent me a text -- Well, you[br]know, i just stopped calling

0:24:01.073,0:24:02.373
Sent me a text -- Well, you[br]know, i just stopped calling[br]her, you know, just ignored her.

0:24:02.375,0:24:04.508
Know, i just stopped calling[br]her, you know, just ignored her.[br]And she sent me a text message

0:24:04.510,0:24:06.610
Her, you know, just ignored her.[br]And she sent me a text message[br]a month later that went, "oh,

0:24:06.612,0:24:09.079
And she sent me a text message[br]a month later that went, "oh,[br]by the way, you never made me

0:24:09.081,0:24:09.880
A month later that went, "oh,[br]by the way, you never made me[br]come."

0:24:09.882,0:24:13.083
By the way, you never made me[br]come."[br]And i was like, "pfft, really?

0:24:13.085,0:24:14.351
Come."[br]And i was like, "pfft, really?[br]You think you're the one who

0:24:14.353,0:24:17.822
And i was like, "pfft, really?[br]You think you're the one who[br]makes me come?

0:24:17.824,0:24:19.423
You think you're the one who[br]makes me come?[br]Do you want to know who makes

0:24:19.425,0:24:20.057
Makes me come?[br]Do you want to know who makes[br]me come?

0:24:20.059,0:24:21.158
Do you want to know who makes[br]me come?[br]I make me come!

0:24:21.160,0:24:22.927
Me come?[br]I make me come![br]All the horrible thoughts i

0:24:22.929,0:24:24.829
I make me come![br]All the horrible thoughts i[br]have in my fucking head makes

0:24:24.831,0:24:25.563
All the horrible thoughts i[br]have in my fucking head makes[br]me come!

0:24:25.565,0:24:27.264
Have in my fucking head makes[br]me come![br]You have very little to do

0:24:27.266,0:24:27.998
Me come![br]You have very little to do[br]with it.

0:24:28.000,0:24:29.733
You have very little to do[br]with it.[br]You're just the container i

0:24:29.735,0:24:32.703
With it.[br]You're just the container i[br]shoot it into."

0:24:32.705,0:24:37.808
You're just the container i[br]shoot it into."[br][ Applause ]

0:24:37.810,0:24:39.543
Shoot it into."[br][ Applause ][br]but let's go back to the dry

0:24:39.545,0:24:42.680
[ Applause ][br]but let's go back to the dry[br]cunt.

0:24:42.682,0:24:44.081
But let's go back to the dry[br]cunt.[br]There are women in the room who

0:24:44.083,0:24:45.449
Cunt.[br]There are women in the room who[br]are thinking, "maybe i wouldn't

0:24:45.451,0:24:46.684
There are women in the room who[br]are thinking, "maybe i wouldn't[br]be dry if there was a bit of

0:24:46.686,0:24:48.385
Are thinking, "maybe i wouldn't[br]be dry if there was a bit of[br]foreplay."

0:24:48.387,0:24:50.454
Be dry if there was a bit of[br]foreplay."[br]Let's explain foreplay.

0:24:50.456,0:24:52.289
Foreplay."[br]Let's explain foreplay.[br]Foreplay is what we do to each

0:24:52.291,0:24:54.024
Let's explain foreplay.[br]Foreplay is what we do to each[br]other to get each other ready

0:24:54.026,0:24:54.725
Foreplay is what we do to each[br]other to get each other ready[br]for sex.

0:24:54.727,0:24:58.195
Other to get each other ready[br]for sex.[br]If i have an erection, that

0:24:58.197,0:25:01.398
For sex.[br]If i have an erection, that[br]means i'm ready for sex and

0:25:01.400,0:25:04.301
If i have an erection, that[br]means i'm ready for sex and[br]i'm all foreplayed out.

0:25:04.303,0:25:05.669
Means i'm ready for sex and[br]i'm all foreplayed out.[br]Now, the foreplay that's

0:25:05.671,0:25:07.404
I'm all foreplayed out.[br]Now, the foreplay that's[br]necessary for a woman goes like

0:25:07.406,0:25:10.441
Now, the foreplay that's[br]necessary for a woman goes like[br]this -- You got to start by

0:25:10.443,0:25:12.243
Necessary for a woman goes like[br]this -- You got to start by[br]kissing them.

0:25:12.245,0:25:14.311
This -- You got to start by[br]kissing them.[br]Women love kissing.

0:25:14.313,0:25:15.779
Kissing them.[br]Women love kissing.[br]Men don't give a shit about

0:25:15.781,0:25:17.214
Women love kissing.[br]Men don't give a shit about[br]kissing.

0:25:17.216,0:25:19.183
Men don't give a shit about[br]kissing.[br]We kiss you because we like you

0:25:19.185,0:25:20.951
Kissing.[br]We kiss you because we like you[br]and -- Let's be honest -- We

0:25:20.953,0:25:26.290
We kiss you because we like you[br]and -- Let's be honest -- We[br]spoil you.

0:25:26.292,0:25:28.392
And -- Let's be honest -- We[br]spoil you.[br]Men don't give a fuck about

0:25:28.394,0:25:29.260
Spoil you.[br]Men don't give a fuck about[br]kissing.

0:25:29.262,0:25:31.362
Men don't give a fuck about[br]kissing.[br]Used to like kissing when we

0:25:31.364,0:25:33.230
Kissing.[br]Used to like kissing when we[br]were in our early teens.

0:25:33.232,0:25:36.867
Used to like kissing when we[br]were in our early teens.[br]Then someone sucked our dick.

0:25:36.869,0:25:39.236
Were in our early teens.[br]Then someone sucked our dick.[br]And then, "what's this kissing

0:25:39.238,0:25:39.970
Then someone sucked our dick.[br]And then, "what's this kissing[br]thing?

0:25:39.972,0:25:41.772
And then, "what's this kissing[br]thing?[br]Why am i kissing this person?

0:25:41.774,0:25:43.674
Thing?[br]Why am i kissing this person?[br]Why would i ride on the swings?

0:25:43.676,0:25:45.009
Why am i kissing this person?[br]Why would i ride on the swings?[br]I've already been to

0:25:45.011,0:25:50.114
Why would i ride on the swings?[br]I've already been to[br]disneyland."

0:25:50.116,0:25:51.715
I've already been to[br]disneyland."[br]But we kiss you 'cause we like

0:25:51.717,0:25:53.150
Disneyland."[br]But we kiss you 'cause we like[br]you and we're a charitable

0:25:53.152,0:25:56.120
But we kiss you 'cause we like[br]you and we're a charitable[br]bunch.

0:25:56.122,0:25:58.088
You and we're a charitable[br]bunch.[br]Then you start kissing down the

0:25:58.090,0:25:58.622
Bunch.[br]Then you start kissing down the[br]neck.

0:25:58.624,0:26:00.591
Then you start kissing down the[br]neck.[br]Now, the whole time you're doing

0:26:00.593,0:26:02.526
Neck.[br]Now, the whole time you're doing[br]this, you're working downwards,

0:26:02.528,0:26:04.662
Now, the whole time you're doing[br]this, you're working downwards,[br]towards the cunt.

0:26:04.664,0:26:06.597
This, you're working downwards,[br]towards the cunt.[br]Now, you know you're going to

0:26:06.599,0:26:07.364
Towards the cunt.[br]Now, you know you're going to[br]the cunt.

0:26:07.366,0:26:09.300
Now, you know you're going to[br]the cunt.[br]She knows you're going to the

0:26:09.302,0:26:09.867
The cunt.[br]She knows you're going to the[br]cunt.

0:26:09.869,0:26:14.238
She knows you're going to the[br]cunt.[br]Everybody knows...you're going

0:26:14.240,0:26:15.139
Cunt.[br]Everybody knows...you're going[br]to the cunt.

0:26:15.141,0:26:17.374
Everybody knows...you're going[br]to the cunt.[br]But for some unbeknown reason,

0:26:17.376,0:26:19.710
To the cunt.[br]But for some unbeknown reason,[br]you have to act like you're not

0:26:19.712,0:26:21.712
But for some unbeknown reason,[br]you have to act like you're not[br]going to the cunt and that

0:26:21.714,0:26:23.981
You have to act like you're not[br]going to the cunt and that[br]you're enjoying the journey of

0:26:23.983,0:26:26.617
Going to the cunt and that[br]you're enjoying the journey of[br]this creature.

0:26:26.619,0:26:28.152
You're enjoying the journey of[br]this creature.[br]Women -- You got to give them a

0:26:28.154,0:26:28.752
This creature.[br]Women -- You got to give them a[br]journey.

0:26:28.754,0:26:30.254
Women -- You got to give them a[br]journey.[br]Men don't give a shit about a

0:26:30.256,0:26:30.854
Journey.[br]Men don't give a shit about a[br]journey.

0:26:30.856,0:26:32.823
Men don't give a shit about a[br]journey.[br]If a man's driving from point

0:26:32.825,0:26:34.758
Journey.[br]If a man's driving from point[br]"a" to point "b," we fill the

0:26:34.760,0:26:36.727
If a man's driving from point[br]"a" to point "b," we fill the[br]tank, we get on the motorway,

0:26:36.729,0:26:40.931
"A" to point "b," we fill the[br]tank, we get on the motorway,[br]we make good time, right?

0:26:40.933,0:26:42.533
Tank, we get on the motorway,[br]we make good time, right?[br]With women, you got to give them

0:26:42.535,0:26:43.834
We make good time, right?[br]With women, you got to give them[br]a fucking journey.

0:26:43.836,0:26:46.937
With women, you got to give them[br]a fucking journey.[br]You got to take them by the

0:26:46.939,0:26:50.774
A fucking journey.[br]You got to take them by the[br]water or antiquing or some shit.

0:26:50.776,0:26:51.976
You got to take them by the[br]water or antiquing or some shit.[br][ Chuckles ]

0:26:51.978,0:26:54.144
Water or antiquing or some shit.[br][ Chuckles ][br]see, the thing is women read so

0:26:54.146,0:26:56.347
[ Chuckles ][br]see, the thing is women read so[br]many magazines about how to send

0:26:56.349,0:26:58.048
See, the thing is women read so[br]many magazines about how to send[br]your man wild and how to

0:26:58.050,0:27:00.217
Many magazines about how to send[br]your man wild and how to[br]titillate your man and all these

0:27:00.219,0:27:01.986
Your man wild and how to[br]titillate your man and all these[br]25 steps to do all the --

0:27:01.988,0:27:03.854
Titillate your man and all these[br]25 steps to do all the --[br]It's a lot of fucking bullshit.

0:27:03.856,0:27:05.456
25 steps to do all the --[br]It's a lot of fucking bullshit.[br]Oh, "get a feather."

0:27:05.458,0:27:07.024
It's a lot of fucking bullshit.[br]Oh, "get a feather."[br]"Involve food in the

0:27:07.026,0:27:08.792
Oh, "get a feather."[br]"Involve food in the[br]relationship."

0:27:08.794,0:27:10.194
"Involve food in the[br]relationship."[br]This is all bullshit.

0:27:10.196,0:27:11.695
Relationship."[br]This is all bullshit.[br]"Play with his nipples."

0:27:11.697,0:27:14.698
This is all bullshit.[br]"Play with his nipples."[br]These things are fucking dead!

0:27:14.700,0:27:16.533
"Play with his nipples."[br]These things are fucking dead![br]They're dead to me!

0:27:16.535,0:27:17.968
These things are fucking dead![br]They're dead to me![br]These mean nothing!

0:27:17.970,0:27:19.937
They're dead to me![br]These mean nothing![br]You could cut these off and

0:27:19.939,0:27:22.206
These mean nothing![br]You could cut these off and[br]donate them to some poor african

0:27:22.208,0:27:24.808
You could cut these off and[br]donate them to some poor african[br]child without nipples!

0:27:24.810,0:27:27.811
Donate them to some poor african[br]child without nipples![br]I wouldn't give a fuck.

0:27:27.813,0:27:29.613
Child without nipples![br]I wouldn't give a fuck.[br]This is what we want you to

0:27:29.615,0:27:31.749
I wouldn't give a fuck.[br]This is what we want you to[br]do -- Fucking suck our cock and

0:27:31.751,0:27:32.850
This is what we want you to[br]do -- Fucking suck our cock and[br]cup our balls.

0:27:32.852,0:27:34.685
Do -- Fucking suck our cock and[br]cup our balls.[br]And when you're sucking our

0:27:34.687,0:27:36.754
Cup our balls.[br]And when you're sucking our[br]cock, look like you're in a bit

0:27:36.756,0:27:38.789
And when you're sucking our[br]cock, look like you're in a bit[br]of pain because we enjoy it if

0:27:38.791,0:27:40.357
Cock, look like you're in a bit[br]of pain because we enjoy it if[br]you look uncomfortable.

0:27:40.359,0:27:46.830
Of pain because we enjoy it if[br]you look uncomfortable.[br][ Cheers and applause ]

0:27:46.832,0:27:51.335
You look uncomfortable.[br][ Cheers and applause ][br]anyway, but back to the lady --

0:27:51.337,0:27:52.903
[ Cheers and applause ][br]anyway, but back to the lady --[br]You keep kissing down.

0:27:52.905,0:27:54.471
Anyway, but back to the lady --[br]You keep kissing down.[br]Now you're at the tits.

0:27:54.473,0:27:56.273
You keep kissing down.[br]Now you're at the tits.[br]Now, tits are a mixed bag.

0:27:56.275,0:27:58.175
Now you're at the tits.[br]Now, tits are a mixed bag.[br]Some tits you got to be firm

0:27:58.177,0:27:58.776
Now, tits are a mixed bag.[br]Some tits you got to be firm[br]with.

0:27:58.778,0:28:00.678
Some tits you got to be firm[br]with.[br]Some tits you got to be soft

0:28:00.680,0:28:01.245
With.[br]Some tits you got to be soft[br]with.

0:28:01.247,0:28:03.080
Some tits you got to be soft[br]with.[br]Some tits, you can bite the

0:28:03.082,0:28:03.747
With.[br]Some tits, you can bite the[br]nipple.

0:28:03.749,0:28:05.716
Some tits, you can bite the[br]nipple.[br]Some tits, don't even go near

0:28:05.718,0:28:07.551
Nipple.[br]Some tits, don't even go near[br]the nipple.

0:28:07.553,0:28:09.086
Some tits, don't even go near[br]the nipple.[br]Tits are like golf -- You play

0:28:09.088,0:28:10.254
The nipple.[br]Tits are like golf -- You play[br]the course you're on.

0:28:10.256,0:28:18.962
Tits are like golf -- You play[br]the course you're on.[br]Then...you keep kissing down.

0:28:18.964,0:28:21.265
The course you're on.[br]Then...you keep kissing down.[br]Now you're at the cunt.

0:28:21.267,0:28:23.067
Then...you keep kissing down.[br]Now you're at the cunt.[br]But even when you get to the

0:28:23.069,0:28:25.269
Now you're at the cunt.[br]But even when you get to the[br]cunt, you have to act like

0:28:25.271,0:28:26.837
But even when you get to the[br]cunt, you have to act like[br]you're not at the cunt.

0:28:26.839,0:28:28.739
Cunt, you have to act like[br]you're not at the cunt.[br]You have to act like you've

0:28:28.741,0:28:30.474
You're not at the cunt.[br]You have to act like you've[br]stumbled upon the cunt by

0:28:30.476,0:28:32.476
You have to act like you've[br]stumbled upon the cunt by[br]accident.

0:28:32.478,0:28:34.378
Stumbled upon the cunt by[br]accident.[br]So, you'll be kissing, like, a

0:28:34.380,0:28:37.281
Accident.[br]So, you'll be kissing, like, a[br]dimple-Y bit of thigh here, and

0:28:37.283,0:28:40.017
So, you'll be kissing, like, a[br]dimple-Y bit of thigh here, and[br]the cunt's there.

0:28:40.019,0:28:42.019
Dimple-Y bit of thigh here, and[br]the cunt's there.[br]And you have to sort of almost,

0:28:42.021,0:28:46.390
The cunt's there.[br]And you have to sort of almost,[br]"oh, hello!

0:28:46.392,0:28:48.459
And you have to sort of almost,[br]"oh, hello![br]I was visiting dimple-Y thigh.

0:28:48.461,0:28:50.761
"Oh, hello![br]I was visiting dimple-Y thigh.[br]I forgot you lived down here.

0:28:50.763,0:28:52.896
I was visiting dimple-Y thigh.[br]I forgot you lived down here.[br]No, always a pleasure, never a

0:28:52.898,0:28:54.998
I forgot you lived down here.[br]No, always a pleasure, never a[br]chore.

0:28:55.000,0:28:58.402
No, always a pleasure, never a[br]chore.[br]Do you mind if i pop in?"

0:28:58.404,0:29:02.473
Chore.[br]Do you mind if i pop in?"[br]Then you lick the whole general

0:29:02.475,0:29:05.042
Do you mind if i pop in?"[br]Then you lick the whole general[br]cunt area.

0:29:05.044,0:29:06.577
Then you lick the whole general[br]cunt area.[br]Then there's a bit at the top of

0:29:06.579,0:29:08.479
Cunt area.[br]Then there's a bit at the top of[br]the cunt -- If you lick that,

0:29:08.481,0:29:13.050
Then there's a bit at the top of[br]the cunt -- If you lick that,[br]they seem to enjoy it.

0:29:13.052,0:29:15.486
The cunt -- If you lick that,[br]they seem to enjoy it.[br]This all takes between 10 and 40

0:29:15.488,0:29:18.322
They seem to enjoy it.[br]This all takes between 10 and 40[br]minutes.

0:29:18.324,0:29:24.661
This all takes between 10 and 40[br]minutes.[br]And she might be wet.

0:29:24.663,0:29:26.230
Minutes.[br]And she might be wet.[br]And that's the foreplay that's

0:29:26.232,0:29:28.599
And she might be wet.[br]And that's the foreplay that's[br]necessary for a woman.

0:29:28.601,0:29:30.033
And that's the foreplay that's[br]necessary for a woman.[br]Now, the foreplay that's

0:29:30.035,0:29:32.970
Necessary for a woman.[br]Now, the foreplay that's[br]necessary for a man -- We just

0:29:32.972,0:29:35.973
Now, the foreplay that's[br]necessary for a man -- We just[br]need to see you naked.

0:29:35.975,0:29:38.876
Necessary for a man -- We just[br]need to see you naked.[br]Maybe you need kisses, caresses,

0:29:38.878,0:29:41.578
Need to see you naked.[br]Maybe you need kisses, caresses,[br]compliments, and licks, when all

0:29:41.580,0:29:44.581
Maybe you need kisses, caresses,[br]compliments, and licks, when all[br]we need is you.

0:29:44.583,0:29:46.583
Compliments, and licks, when all[br]we need is you.[br]Maybe we take our relationships

0:29:46.585,0:29:48.752
We need is you.[br]Maybe we take our relationships[br]seriously.

0:29:48.754,0:29:51.388
Maybe we take our relationships[br]seriously.[br][ Cheers and applause ]

0:29:51.390,0:30:15.979
[ Cheers and applause ][br]how many more do you reckon[br]there is behind there?

0:30:15.981,0:30:17.347
How many more do you reckon[br]there is behind there?[br]There's a dwarf behind there

0:30:17.349,0:30:24.621
There is behind there?[br]There's a dwarf behind there[br]mixing me a cocktail.

0:30:24.623,0:30:28.725
There's a dwarf behind there[br]mixing me a cocktail.[br]I am fucking drunk, though.

0:30:28.727,0:30:30.994
Mixing me a cocktail.[br]I am fucking drunk, though.[br]All right.

0:30:30.996,0:30:32.996
I am fucking drunk, though.[br]All right.[br]I'm gonna tell you a story.

0:30:32.998,0:30:34.064
All right.[br]I'm gonna tell you a story.[br]This story's very long.

0:30:34.066,0:30:35.432
I'm gonna tell you a story.[br]This story's very long.[br]The first three minutes of this

0:30:35.434,0:30:38.001
This story's very long.[br]The first three minutes of this[br]story are very depressing.

0:30:38.003,0:30:40.671
The first three minutes of this[br]story are very depressing.[br]Just hitching up my pants.

0:30:40.673,0:30:41.905
Story are very depressing.[br]Just hitching up my pants.[br]The first three minutes of this

0:30:41.907,0:30:43.073
Just hitching up my pants.[br]The first three minutes of this[br]story are very depressing, but

0:30:43.075,0:30:44.174
The first three minutes of this[br]story are very depressing, but[br]there is a moment where this

0:30:44.176,0:30:45.008
Story are very depressing, but[br]there is a moment where this[br]story takes flight.

0:30:45.010,0:30:46.543
There is a moment where this[br]story takes flight.[br]And you have to hang in there

0:30:46.545,0:30:48.078
Story takes flight.[br]And you have to hang in there[br]with me until this moment and

0:30:48.080,0:30:49.713
And you have to hang in there[br]with me until this moment and[br]trust me that the story's gonna

0:30:49.715,0:30:52.382
With me until this moment and[br]trust me that the story's gonna[br]get good.

0:30:52.384,0:30:53.584
Trust me that the story's gonna[br]get good.[br]I grew up at number 3

0:30:53.586,0:30:55.052
Get good.[br]I grew up at number 3[br]turramurra street.

0:30:55.054,0:30:57.354
I grew up at number 3[br]turramurra street.[br]At number 5 was my two best

0:30:57.356,0:30:59.790
Turramurra street.[br]At number 5 was my two best[br]childhood friends, andrew and

0:30:59.792,0:31:01.859
At number 5 was my two best[br]childhood friends, andrew and[br]daniel connor.

0:31:01.861,0:31:03.260
Childhood friends, andrew and[br]daniel connor.[br]Daniel was born with a disease

0:31:03.262,0:31:04.461
Daniel connor.[br]Daniel was born with a disease[br]called muscular dystrophy.

0:31:04.463,0:31:05.929
Daniel was born with a disease[br]called muscular dystrophy.[br]If you don't know what muscular

0:31:05.931,0:31:07.297
Called muscular dystrophy.[br]If you don't know what muscular[br]dystrophy is, it's a horrible

0:31:07.299,0:31:08.765
If you don't know what muscular[br]dystrophy is, it's a horrible[br]disease that wastes away at your

0:31:08.767,0:31:09.299
Dystrophy is, it's a horrible[br]disease that wastes away at your[br]muscles.

0:31:09.301,0:31:10.667
Disease that wastes away at your[br]muscles.[br]It's the same as lou gehrig's

0:31:10.669,0:31:12.102
Muscles.[br]It's the same as lou gehrig's[br]disease or motor neuron disease,

0:31:12.104,0:31:14.571
It's the same as lou gehrig's[br]disease or motor neuron disease,[br]except you're born with it.

0:31:14.573,0:31:16.039
Disease or motor neuron disease,[br]except you're born with it.[br]You get diagnosed when you're

0:31:16.041,0:31:17.541
Except you're born with it.[br]You get diagnosed when you're[br]about 6 years old, when you're

0:31:17.543,0:31:19.042
You get diagnosed when you're[br]about 6 years old, when you're[br]not walking right and they put

0:31:19.044,0:31:20.377
About 6 years old, when you're[br]not walking right and they put[br]you on crutches.

0:31:20.379,0:31:22.179
Not walking right and they put[br]you on crutches.[br]By the time you're 10, you're in

0:31:22.181,0:31:23.080
You on crutches.[br]By the time you're 10, you're in[br]a wheelchair.

0:31:23.082,0:31:24.882
By the time you're 10, you're in[br]a wheelchair.[br]By the time you're 20, you're in

0:31:24.884,0:31:26.583
A wheelchair.[br]By the time you're 20, you're in[br]a completely vegetative state.

0:31:26.585,0:31:27.985
By the time you're 20, you're in[br]a completely vegetative state.[br]Most people die before their

0:31:27.987,0:31:29.953
A completely vegetative state.[br]Most people die before their[br]25th birthday.

0:31:29.955,0:31:32.656
Most people die before their[br]25th birthday.[br]Dan's lived to be 33 years old,

0:31:32.658,0:31:35.325
25th birthday.[br]Dan's lived to be 33 years old,[br]still alive and kicking.

0:31:35.327,0:31:38.996
Dan's lived to be 33 years old,[br]still alive and kicking.[br]Let me rephrase that --

0:31:38.998,0:31:40.664
Still alive and kicking.[br]Let me rephrase that --[br]Still alive.

0:31:40.666,0:31:43.033
Let me rephrase that --[br]Still alive.[br][ Scattered applause ]

0:31:43.035,0:31:44.701
Still alive.[br][ Scattered applause ][br]he's actually died seven times

0:31:44.703,0:31:45.903
[ Scattered applause ][br]he's actually died seven times[br]in his life and been

0:31:45.905,0:31:47.871
He's actually died seven times[br]in his life and been[br]resuscitated -- Seven.

0:31:47.873,0:31:49.406
In his life and been[br]resuscitated -- Seven.[br]And i once asked him -- I said,

0:31:49.408,0:31:50.841
Resuscitated -- Seven.[br]And i once asked him -- I said,[br]"dan, what happens after you

0:31:50.843,0:31:51.275
And i once asked him -- I said,[br]"dan, what happens after you[br]die?"

0:31:51.277,0:31:54.778
"Dan, what happens after you[br]die?"[br]And he said, "nothing."

0:31:54.780,0:31:56.413
Die?"[br]And he said, "nothing."[br]So, good luck with your religion

0:31:56.415,0:31:59.583
And he said, "nothing."[br]So, good luck with your religion[br]and your faith.

0:31:59.585,0:32:04.221
So, good luck with your religion[br]and your faith.[br]I'll take an actual statistic.

0:32:04.223,0:32:05.956
And your faith.[br]I'll take an actual statistic.[br]Now, his family had since moved

0:32:05.958,0:32:08.125
I'll take an actual statistic.[br]Now, his family had since moved[br]to melbourne.

0:32:08.127,0:32:09.326
Now, his family had since moved[br]to melbourne.[br]I had moved to great britain.

0:32:09.328,0:32:10.060
To melbourne.[br]I had moved to great britain.[br]I went to do the

0:32:10.062,0:32:11.161
I had moved to great britain.[br]I went to do the[br]melbourne comedy festival.

0:32:11.163,0:32:12.462
I went to do the[br]melbourne comedy festival.[br]This was about a year ago.

0:32:12.464,0:32:14.164
Melbourne comedy festival.[br]This was about a year ago.[br]I hadn't seen him in all that

0:32:14.166,0:32:14.665
This was about a year ago.[br]I hadn't seen him in all that[br]time.

0:32:14.667,0:32:16.433
I hadn't seen him in all that[br]time.[br]His brother andrew came to see

0:32:16.435,0:32:18.302
Time.[br]His brother andrew came to see[br]my show, and then andrew took me

0:32:18.304,0:32:19.102
His brother andrew came to see[br]my show, and then andrew took me[br]to see dan.

0:32:19.104,0:32:20.304
My show, and then andrew took me[br]to see dan.[br]And i went in to see him, and

0:32:20.306,0:32:21.605
To see dan.[br]And i went in to see him, and[br]i'd never seen anyone live this

0:32:21.607,0:32:22.606
And i went in to see him, and[br]i'd never seen anyone live this[br]long with this disease.

0:32:22.608,0:32:23.674
I'd never seen anyone live this[br]long with this disease.[br]And he's laying on a bed.

0:32:23.676,0:32:25.342
Long with this disease.[br]And he's laying on a bed.[br]His eyelids are a muscle that he

0:32:25.344,0:32:26.810
And he's laying on a bed.[br]His eyelids are a muscle that he[br]can't keep open anymore, and

0:32:26.812,0:32:28.245
His eyelids are a muscle that he[br]can't keep open anymore, and[br]he's just squinting through

0:32:28.247,0:32:29.780
Can't keep open anymore, and[br]he's just squinting through[br]these little things and has a

0:32:29.782,0:32:31.248
He's just squinting through[br]these little things and has a[br]breathing mask on him to keep

0:32:31.250,0:32:32.816
These little things and has a[br]breathing mask on him to keep[br]his lungs working because the

0:32:32.818,0:32:34.484
Breathing mask on him to keep[br]his lungs working because the[br]lungs are a muscle that he can't

0:32:34.486,0:32:35.252
His lungs working because the[br]lungs are a muscle that he can't[br]keep pumping.

0:32:35.254,0:32:36.653
Lungs are a muscle that he can't[br]keep pumping.[br]He has a heart-Monitoring

0:32:36.655,0:32:38.322
Keep pumping.[br]He has a heart-Monitoring[br]machine in case he flatlines in

0:32:38.324,0:32:39.790
He has a heart-Monitoring[br]machine in case he flatlines in[br]the middle of the night and

0:32:39.792,0:32:41.425
Machine in case he flatlines in[br]the middle of the night and[br]someone has to resuscitate him.

0:32:41.427,0:32:43.226
The middle of the night and[br]someone has to resuscitate him.[br]And as soon as i walked in and

0:32:43.228,0:32:45.028
Someone has to resuscitate him.[br]And as soon as i walked in and[br]saw this guy that i used to run

0:32:45.030,0:32:46.897
And as soon as i walked in and[br]saw this guy that i used to run[br]around with as a child, i burst

0:32:46.899,0:32:48.365
Saw this guy that i used to run[br]around with as a child, i burst[br]into tears.

0:32:48.367,0:32:49.566
Around with as a child, i burst[br]into tears.[br]There's nothing worse you can

0:32:49.568,0:32:50.867
Into tears.[br]There's nothing worse you can[br]give anyone in this world than

0:32:50.869,0:32:52.636
There's nothing worse you can[br]give anyone in this world than[br]pity, you know?

0:32:52.638,0:32:54.037
Give anyone in this world than[br]pity, you know?[br]I went in the corridor.

0:32:54.039,0:32:55.706
Pity, you know?[br]I went in the corridor.[br]I felt like a right prick.

0:32:55.708,0:32:57.441
I went in the corridor.[br]I felt like a right prick.[br]And i was fucking wiping my eyes

0:32:57.443,0:32:59.042
I felt like a right prick.[br]And i was fucking wiping my eyes[br]off.

0:32:59.044,0:33:00.711
And i was fucking wiping my eyes[br]off.[br]And i went back in and i sat

0:33:00.713,0:33:02.546
Off.[br]And i went back in and i sat[br]with dan, and his brother andrew

0:33:02.548,0:33:03.680
And i went back in and i sat[br]with dan, and his brother andrew[br]went off to work.

0:33:03.682,0:33:05.415
With dan, and his brother andrew[br]went off to work.[br]And me and dan chatted for

0:33:05.417,0:33:07.084
Went off to work.[br]And me and dan chatted for[br]a while.

0:33:07.086,0:33:08.618
And me and dan chatted for[br]a while.[br]20 minutes into the

0:33:08.620,0:33:10.754
A while.[br]20 minutes into the[br]conversation, dan says to me,

0:33:10.756,0:33:14.291
20 minutes into the[br]conversation, dan says to me,[br]"jim, i'm 32 years old.

0:33:14.293,0:33:16.493
Conversation, dan says to me,[br]"jim, i'm 32 years old.[br]I've never been with a woman.

0:33:16.495,0:33:17.627
"Jim, i'm 32 years old.[br]I've never been with a woman.[br]Will you take me to a

0:33:17.629,0:33:18.729
I've never been with a woman.[br]Will you take me to a[br]prostitute?"

0:33:18.731,0:33:20.764
Will you take me to a[br]prostitute?"[br]And that's where the story picks

0:33:20.766,0:33:22.766
Prostitute?"[br]And that's where the story picks[br]up, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause

0:33:22.768,0:33:24.868
And that's where the story picks[br]up, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause[br]i went, "fuck, yeah!"

0:33:24.870,0:33:26.203
Up, ladies and gentlemen, 'cause[br]i went, "fuck, yeah!"[br]And he went, "but don't tell my

0:33:26.205,0:33:26.670
I went, "fuck, yeah!"[br]And he went, "but don't tell my[br]brother.

0:33:26.672,0:33:27.671
And he went, "but don't tell my[br]brother.[br]He wouldn't understand."

0:33:27.673,0:33:29.106
Brother.[br]He wouldn't understand."[br]And i said, "that's where you're

0:33:29.108,0:33:29.473
He wouldn't understand."[br]And i said, "that's where you're[br]wrong.

0:33:29.475,0:33:30.640
And i said, "that's where you're[br]wrong.[br]I've known your brother my

0:33:30.642,0:33:31.274
Wrong.[br]I've known your brother my[br]entire life.

0:33:31.276,0:33:32.976
I've known your brother my[br]entire life.[br]Trust me -- He will understand."

0:33:32.978,0:33:34.311
Entire life.[br]Trust me -- He will understand."[br]And against dan's will, when

0:33:34.313,0:33:35.746
Trust me -- He will understand."[br]And against dan's will, when[br]andrew came home from work, i

0:33:35.748,0:33:37.114
And against dan's will, when[br]andrew came home from work, i[br]pulled andrew aside and said,

0:33:37.116,0:33:38.582
Andrew came home from work, i[br]pulled andrew aside and said,[br]"andrew, look, here's the deal.

0:33:38.584,0:33:39.916
Pulled andrew aside and said,[br]"andrew, look, here's the deal.[br]Dan's asked me to take him to

0:33:39.918,0:33:40.584
"Andrew, look, here's the deal.[br]Dan's asked me to take him to[br]a prostitute.

0:33:40.586,0:33:42.019
Dan's asked me to take him to[br]a prostitute.[br]I'm gonna do it whether you like

0:33:42.021,0:33:43.387
A prostitute.[br]I'm gonna do it whether you like[br]it or not, but i think, as his

0:33:43.389,0:33:44.688
I'm gonna do it whether you like[br]it or not, but i think, as his[br]brother, you should come along

0:33:44.690,0:33:45.422
It or not, but i think, as his[br]brother, you should come along[br]and help out."

0:33:45.424,0:33:47.057
Brother, you should come along[br]and help out."[br]And andrew went, "we're not

0:33:47.059,0:33:47.858
And help out."[br]And andrew went, "we're not[br]doing it."

0:33:47.860,0:33:49.026
And andrew went, "we're not[br]doing it."[br]And i went, "why?"

0:33:49.028,0:33:50.827
Doing it."[br]And i went, "why?"[br]And he went, "it'll kill him."

0:33:50.829,0:33:52.162
And i went, "why?"[br]And he went, "it'll kill him."[br]And i went --

0:33:52.164,0:33:57.067
And he went, "it'll kill him."[br]And i went --[br][ Exhales heavily ]

0:33:57.069,0:33:58.935
And i went --[br][ Exhales heavily ][br]"he's gonna die soon anyway.

0:33:58.937,0:34:00.704
[ Exhales heavily ][br]"he's gonna die soon anyway.[br]This is a good way for him to

0:34:00.706,0:34:01.138
"He's gonna die soon anyway.[br]This is a good way for him to[br]go.

0:34:01.140,0:34:03.073
This is a good way for him to[br]go.[br]Like, sure, we'll have to answer

0:34:03.075,0:34:07.511
Go.[br]Like, sure, we'll have to answer[br]a few questions."

0:34:07.513,0:34:08.844
Like, sure, we'll have to answer[br]a few questions."[br]And he said, "we're not doing

0:34:08.847,0:34:09.146
A few questions."[br]And he said, "we're not doing[br]it."

0:34:09.148,0:34:10.047
And he said, "we're not doing[br]it."[br]And i said, "why?"

0:34:10.049,0:34:11.415
It."[br]And i said, "why?"[br]And he goes, "'cause mom doesn't

0:34:11.417,0:34:13.516
And i said, "why?"[br]And he goes, "'cause mom doesn't[br]like you already!"

0:34:13.518,0:34:15.485
And he goes, "'cause mom doesn't[br]like you already!"[br]And i went, "your mom's never

0:34:15.487,0:34:16.620
Like you already!"[br]And i went, "your mom's never[br]liked me!

0:34:16.621,0:34:18.155
And i went, "your mom's never[br]liked me![br]That's why i'm the right guy to

0:34:18.157,0:34:21.891
Liked me![br]That's why i'm the right guy to[br]kill your brother!"

0:34:21.893,0:34:23.159
That's why i'm the right guy to[br]kill your brother!"[br]And he said, "all right, we'll

0:34:23.161,0:34:24.327
Kill your brother!"[br]And he said, "all right, we'll[br]do it, but he can't have full

0:34:24.329,0:34:24.628
And he said, "all right, we'll[br]do it, but he can't have full[br]sex.

0:34:24.630,0:34:26.263
Do it, but he can't have full[br]sex.[br]Full sex will kill him.

0:34:26.264,0:34:27.998
Sex.[br]Full sex will kill him.[br]He can only have a blowjob."

0:34:28.000,0:34:29.498
Full sex will kill him.[br]He can only have a blowjob."[br]And i thought that was fairly

0:34:29.501,0:34:30.967
He can only have a blowjob."[br]And i thought that was fairly[br]reasonable.

0:34:30.969,0:34:33.170
And i thought that was fairly[br]reasonable.[br]So, we went back in and saw dan.

0:34:33.172,0:34:34.638
Reasonable.[br]So, we went back in and saw dan.[br]He was where we left him.

0:34:34.639,0:34:40.177
So, we went back in and saw dan.[br]He was where we left him.[br]And we said...

0:34:40.179,0:34:42.712
He was where we left him.[br]And we said...[br]"dan, here's the deal -- I know

0:34:42.714,0:34:43.914
And we said...[br]"dan, here's the deal -- I know[br]you told me not to tell your

0:34:43.916,0:34:45.047
"Dan, here's the deal -- I know[br]you told me not to tell your[br]brother, but i told your

0:34:45.050,0:34:45.514
You told me not to tell your[br]brother, but i told your[br]brother.

0:34:45.516,0:34:46.817
Brother, but i told your[br]brother.[br]Me and him are both gonna take

0:34:46.819,0:34:48.185
Brother.[br]Me and him are both gonna take[br]you to the knock shop tomorrow,

0:34:48.187,0:34:49.820
Me and him are both gonna take[br]you to the knock shop tomorrow,[br]mate, but you can't have full

0:34:49.822,0:34:50.253
You to the knock shop tomorrow,[br]mate, but you can't have full[br]sex.

0:34:50.255,0:34:51.955
Mate, but you can't have full[br]sex.[br]You can only have a blowjob."

0:34:51.956,0:34:53.989
Sex.[br]You can only have a blowjob."[br]And dan went, "i want full sex."

0:34:53.992,0:34:55.425
You can only have a blowjob."[br]And dan went, "i want full sex."[br]And his brother andrew went,

0:34:55.427,0:34:57.694
And dan went, "i want full sex."[br]And his brother andrew went,[br]"dan, you're in no position to

0:34:57.696,0:35:00.597
And his brother andrew went,[br]"dan, you're in no position to[br]argue with anyone, ever."

0:35:00.599,0:35:02.799
"Dan, you're in no position to[br]argue with anyone, ever."[br]Then dan reluctantly agreed.

0:35:02.801,0:35:05.869
Argue with anyone, ever."[br]Then dan reluctantly agreed.[br]Now, prostitution in australia

0:35:05.871,0:35:07.637
Then dan reluctantly agreed.[br]Now, prostitution in australia[br]is legal, so i spent the rest of

0:35:07.639,0:35:09.339
Now, prostitution in australia[br]is legal, so i spent the rest of[br]the afternoon going through the

0:35:09.341,0:35:10.874
Is legal, so i spent the rest of[br]the afternoon going through the[br]phonebook, trying to find a

0:35:10.876,0:35:13.743
The afternoon going through the[br]phonebook, trying to find a[br]brothel with wheelchair access.

0:35:13.745,0:35:18.081
Phonebook, trying to find a[br]brothel with wheelchair access.[br]Best afternoon ever!

0:35:18.083,0:35:20.517
Brothel with wheelchair access.[br]Best afternoon ever![br][ Scattered applause ]

0:35:20.519,0:35:21.918
Best afternoon ever![br][ Scattered applause ][br]eventually, i found one, the

0:35:21.920,0:35:23.520
[ Scattered applause ][br]eventually, i found one, the[br]biggest brothel in the southern

0:35:23.522,0:35:24.988
Eventually, i found one, the[br]biggest brothel in the southern[br]hemisphere, the daily planet,

0:35:24.990,0:35:26.556
Biggest brothel in the southern[br]hemisphere, the daily planet,[br]or, as the australians call it,

0:35:26.558,0:35:29.826
Hemisphere, the daily planet,[br]or, as the australians call it,[br]"four floors of whores."

0:35:29.828,0:35:32.195
Or, as the australians call it,[br]"four floors of whores."[br]It's a 24-Hour brothel because

0:35:32.197,0:35:35.098
"Four floors of whores."[br]It's a 24-Hour brothel because[br]australia's a go-Ahead country.

0:35:35.100,0:35:36.766
It's a 24-Hour brothel because[br]australia's a go-Ahead country.[br]So, we decided we were gonna go

0:35:36.768,0:35:38.201
Australia's a go-Ahead country.[br]So, we decided we were gonna go[br]early in the morning, like

0:35:38.203,0:35:39.769
So, we decided we were gonna go[br]early in the morning, like[br]really early, like 6:00 a.M.

0:35:39.771,0:35:41.204
Early in the morning, like[br]really early, like 6:00 a.M.[br]We wanted to go in when the

0:35:41.206,0:35:42.739
Really early, like 6:00 a.M.[br]We wanted to go in when the[br]place was quiet and we weren't

0:35:42.741,0:35:44.574
We wanted to go in when the[br]place was quiet and we weren't[br]gonna cause a scene.

0:35:44.576,0:35:46.042
Place was quiet and we weren't[br]gonna cause a scene.[br]So, we wake him up at 6:00 in

0:35:46.044,0:35:46.810
Gonna cause a scene.[br]So, we wake him up at 6:00 in[br]the morning.

0:35:46.812,0:35:48.411
So, we wake him up at 6:00 in[br]the morning.[br]It's hard to tell if he's awake.

0:35:48.413,0:35:53.049
The morning.[br]It's hard to tell if he's awake.[br]And we get him in his chair.

0:35:53.051,0:35:54.417
It's hard to tell if he's awake.[br]And we get him in his chair.[br]Now, he hasn't got your

0:35:54.419,0:35:56.219
And we get him in his chair.[br]Now, he hasn't got your[br]bog-Standard fucking wheelchair.

0:35:56.221,0:35:57.921
Now, he hasn't got your[br]bog-Standard fucking wheelchair.[br]He's got one of those big sort

0:35:57.923,0:35:59.589
Bog-Standard fucking wheelchair.[br]He's got one of those big sort[br]of silver-Looking things with

0:35:59.591,0:36:01.591
He's got one of those big sort[br]of silver-Looking things with[br]the truck tires on it.

0:36:01.593,0:36:02.959
Of silver-Looking things with[br]the truck tires on it.[br]I think the model's called a

0:36:02.961,0:36:04.027
The truck tires on it.[br]I think the model's called a[br]hawking.

0:36:04.029,0:36:08.965
I think the model's called a[br]hawking.[br]And even though his muscles

0:36:08.967,0:36:10.467
Hawking.[br]And even though his muscles[br]don't work, they get sore.

0:36:10.469,0:36:12.235
And even though his muscles[br]don't work, they get sore.[br]So, this thing can move him from

0:36:12.237,0:36:13.937
Don't work, they get sore.[br]So, this thing can move him from[br]side to side and back to front

0:36:13.939,0:36:15.372
So, this thing can move him from[br]side to side and back to front[br]and even into a full bed.

0:36:15.374,0:36:16.773
Side to side and back to front[br]and even into a full bed.[br]So, we get him in the chair.

0:36:16.775,0:36:18.074
And even into a full bed.[br]So, we get him in the chair.[br]Then we order a taxi.

0:36:18.076,0:36:19.476
So, we get him in the chair.[br]Then we order a taxi.[br]And then -- It's not like you

0:36:19.478,0:36:20.777
Then we order a taxi.[br]And then -- It's not like you[br]have black cabs out there.

0:36:20.779,0:36:23.013
And then -- It's not like you[br]have black cabs out there.[br]It's like a normal car, but

0:36:23.015,0:36:25.482
Have black cabs out there.[br]It's like a normal car, but[br]they've modified the back to go

0:36:25.484,0:36:27.851
It's like a normal car, but[br]they've modified the back to go[br]higher, and they drive him up

0:36:27.853,0:36:30.353
They've modified the back to go[br]higher, and they drive him up[br]through the boot and they strap

0:36:30.355,0:36:33.256
Higher, and they drive him up[br]through the boot and they strap[br]him in there and he sits up

0:36:33.258,0:36:35.125
Through the boot and they strap[br]him in there and he sits up[br]high, with windows all around

0:36:35.127,0:36:36.760
Him in there and he sits up[br]high, with windows all around[br]him, like a big, retarded

0:36:36.762,0:36:39.196
High, with windows all around[br]him, like a big, retarded[br]pope...

0:36:39.198,0:36:41.231
Him, like a big, retarded[br]pope...[br]or, as the catholics would say,

0:36:41.233,0:36:44.067
Pope...[br]or, as the catholics would say,[br]the pope.

0:36:44.069,0:36:46.703
Or, as the catholics would say,[br]the pope.[br][ Applause ]

0:36:46.705,0:36:49.139
The pope.[br][ Applause ][br]and we drive up to the brothel.

0:36:49.141,0:36:50.907
[ Applause ][br]and we drive up to the brothel.[br]Now, when we get to the brothel,

0:36:50.909,0:36:52.576
And we drive up to the brothel.[br]Now, when we get to the brothel,[br]it takes 10 minutes to get him

0:36:52.578,0:36:53.443
Now, when we get to the brothel,[br]it takes 10 minutes to get him[br]off the taxi.

0:36:53.445,0:36:54.945
It takes 10 minutes to get him[br]off the taxi.[br]I see this as my window of

0:36:54.947,0:36:56.580
Off the taxi.[br]I see this as my window of[br]opportunity, so while they're

0:36:56.582,0:36:58.281
I see this as my window of[br]opportunity, so while they're[br]getting him off the taxi, i run

0:36:58.283,0:36:59.349
Opportunity, so while they're[br]getting him off the taxi, i run[br]into the brothel.

0:36:59.351,0:37:00.984
Getting him off the taxi, i run[br]into the brothel.[br]Now, there's two ways that

0:37:00.986,0:37:01.985
Into the brothel.[br]Now, there's two ways that[br]brothels work.

0:37:01.987,0:37:03.687
Now, there's two ways that[br]brothels work.[br]Either the prostitutes will

0:37:03.689,0:37:05.622
Brothels work.[br]Either the prostitutes will[br]stand in a row in their lingerie

0:37:05.624,0:37:07.457
Either the prostitutes will[br]stand in a row in their lingerie[br]and you just pick the one that

0:37:07.459,0:37:09.092
Stand in a row in their lingerie[br]and you just pick the one that[br]you want, or they'll stand

0:37:09.094,0:37:11.061
And you just pick the one that[br]you want, or they'll stand[br]around in a bar in evening gowns

0:37:11.063,0:37:12.896
You want, or they'll stand[br]around in a bar in evening gowns[br]and high heels and you walk up

0:37:12.898,0:37:14.631
Around in a bar in evening gowns[br]and high heels and you walk up[br]to the one that you like the

0:37:14.633,0:37:16.533
And high heels and you walk up[br]to the one that you like the[br]look of, chat to her for a bit,

0:37:16.535,0:37:18.501
To the one that you like the[br]look of, chat to her for a bit,[br]act like you've got some type of

0:37:18.503,0:37:20.136
Look of, chat to her for a bit,[br]act like you've got some type of[br]connection with an eastern

0:37:20.138,0:37:21.905
Act like you've got some type of[br]connection with an eastern[br]european woman, then take her

0:37:21.907,0:37:23.673
Connection with an eastern[br]european woman, then take her[br]upstairs and fuck her if you

0:37:23.675,0:37:25.242
European woman, then take her[br]upstairs and fuck her if you[br]need your life to be this

0:37:25.244,0:37:27.244
Upstairs and fuck her if you[br]need your life to be this[br]delusional.

0:37:27.246,0:37:29.079
Need your life to be this[br]delusional.[br]This is one of these situations.

0:37:29.081,0:37:30.747
Delusional.[br]This is one of these situations.[br]So, while they're getting dan

0:37:30.749,0:37:32.449
This is one of these situations.[br]So, while they're getting dan[br]out of the cab, i run into the

0:37:32.451,0:37:33.950
So, while they're getting dan[br]out of the cab, i run into the[br]brothel and go, "everyone,

0:37:33.952,0:37:37.654
Out of the cab, i run into the[br]brothel and go, "everyone,[br]quickly, gather 'round!

0:37:37.656,0:37:40.690
Brothel and go, "everyone,[br]quickly, gather 'round![br]I haven't got much time!"

0:37:40.692,0:37:42.425
Quickly, gather 'round![br]I haven't got much time!"[br]And these 14 bemused hookers

0:37:42.427,0:37:44.027
I haven't got much time!"[br]And these 14 bemused hookers[br]shuffle over, and i went,

0:37:44.029,0:37:47.964
And these 14 bemused hookers[br]shuffle over, and i went,[br]"look -- Here's the deal.

0:37:47.966,0:37:50.267
Shuffle over, and i went,[br]"look -- Here's the deal.[br]I have a severely disabled

0:37:50.269,0:37:51.334
"Look -- Here's the deal.[br]I have a severely disabled[br]friend with me.

0:37:51.336,0:37:53.570
I have a severely disabled[br]friend with me.[br]If you're not up for it, speak

0:37:53.572,0:37:57.173
Friend with me.[br]If you're not up for it, speak[br]now or forever hold your peace."

0:37:57.175,0:37:59.009
If you're not up for it, speak[br]now or forever hold your peace."[br]And one of them went, "how bad

0:37:59.011,0:37:59.609
Now or forever hold your peace."[br]And one of them went, "how bad[br]is he?"

0:37:59.611,0:38:05.448
And one of them went, "how bad[br]is he?"[br]And i went, "[ chuckles ]

0:38:05.450,0:38:08.051
Is he?"[br]And i went, "[ chuckles ][br]pretty fucking bad."

0:38:08.053,0:38:09.352
And i went, "[ chuckles ][br]pretty fucking bad."[br]And 10 of them said they

0:38:09.354,0:38:10.787
Pretty fucking bad."[br]And 10 of them said they[br]wouldn't do it, and i said,

0:38:10.789,0:38:13.356
And 10 of them said they[br]wouldn't do it, and i said,[br]"well, i respect that, but can

0:38:13.358,0:38:14.758
Wouldn't do it, and i said,[br]"well, i respect that, but can[br]you please go and hide?

0:38:14.760,0:38:15.925
"Well, i respect that, but can[br]you please go and hide?[br]Because i don't want him to be

0:38:15.927,0:38:19.095
You please go and hide?[br]Because i don't want him to be[br]rejected by hookers."

0:38:19.097,0:38:21.064
Because i don't want him to be[br]rejected by hookers."[br]And these 10 girls shuffle away

0:38:21.066,0:38:23.066
Rejected by hookers."[br]And these 10 girls shuffle away[br]in their evening gowns and their

0:38:23.068,0:38:24.734
And these 10 girls shuffle away[br]in their evening gowns and their[br]high heels, with gonorrhea

0:38:24.736,0:38:27.937
In their evening gowns and their[br]high heels, with gonorrhea[br]falling out of them.

0:38:27.939,0:38:29.773
High heels, with gonorrhea[br]falling out of them.[br]I am now left with four girls.

0:38:29.775,0:38:31.508
Falling out of them.[br]I am now left with four girls.[br]The best-Looking one by a mile

0:38:31.510,0:38:32.208
I am now left with four girls.[br]The best-Looking one by a mile[br]stays.

0:38:32.210,0:38:33.943
The best-Looking one by a mile[br]stays.[br]Dan wheels in, looking like

0:38:33.945,0:38:35.779
Stays.[br]Dan wheels in, looking like[br]jabba the hut, breathing like

0:38:35.781,0:38:37.714
Dan wheels in, looking like[br]jabba the hut, breathing like[br]darth vader.

0:38:37.716,0:38:39.249
Jabba the hut, breathing like[br]darth vader.[br]Two of the girls run away, and

0:38:39.251,0:38:40.550
Darth vader.[br]Two of the girls run away, and[br]i'm like, "are you fucking

0:38:40.552,0:38:43.453
Two of the girls run away, and[br]i'm like, "are you fucking[br]kidding, you sluts?

0:38:43.455,0:38:46.990
I'm like, "are you fucking[br]kidding, you sluts?[br]I just asked you nicely."

0:38:46.992,0:38:48.358
Kidding, you sluts?[br]I just asked you nicely."[br]So we're now left with two

0:38:48.360,0:38:49.259
I just asked you nicely."[br]So we're now left with two[br]girls.

0:38:49.261,0:38:50.994
So we're now left with two[br]girls.[br]The best-Looking one's there.

0:38:50.996,0:38:54.164
Girls.[br]The best-Looking one's there.[br]The other one's a fucking troll.

0:38:54.166,0:38:56.266
The best-Looking one's there.[br]The other one's a fucking troll.[br]Now, out of respect for the ugly

0:38:56.268,0:38:58.902
The other one's a fucking troll.[br]Now, out of respect for the ugly[br]one, i go to dan -- I go, "dan,

0:38:58.904,0:39:01.438
Now, out of respect for the ugly[br]one, i go to dan -- I go, "dan,[br]there's only two girls working

0:39:01.440,0:39:05.175
One, i go to dan -- I go, "dan,[br]there's only two girls working[br]today, mate.

0:39:05.177,0:39:07.277
There's only two girls working[br]today, mate.[br]Which one do you want?"

0:39:07.279,0:39:08.511
Today, mate.[br]Which one do you want?"[br]And he said, "the one in the

0:39:08.513,0:39:09.979
Which one do you want?"[br]And he said, "the one in the[br]green dress."

0:39:09.981,0:39:12.482
And he said, "the one in the[br]green dress."[br]Now, neither of them had a

0:39:12.484,0:39:15.385
Green dress."[br]Now, neither of them had a[br]green dress.

0:39:15.387,0:39:16.753
Now, neither of them had a[br]green dress.[br]I stand up and look at andrew

0:39:16.755,0:39:18.188
Green dress.[br]I stand up and look at andrew[br]and went, "what the fuck is all

0:39:18.190,0:39:18.888
I stand up and look at andrew[br]and went, "what the fuck is all[br]this about?"

0:39:18.890,0:39:21.057
And went, "what the fuck is all[br]this about?"[br]And andrew went, "oh, yeah, his

0:39:21.059,0:39:23.660
This about?"[br]And andrew went, "oh, yeah, his[br]eyes are fucked, as well."

0:39:23.662,0:39:25.095
And andrew went, "oh, yeah, his[br]eyes are fucked, as well."[br]Now, it turns out that dan's

0:39:25.097,0:39:25.729
Eyes are fucked, as well."[br]Now, it turns out that dan's[br]colorblind.

0:39:25.731,0:39:27.263
Now, it turns out that dan's[br]colorblind.[br]It's not part of the condition.

0:39:27.265,0:39:32.669
Colorblind.[br]It's not part of the condition.[br]It's just unfortunate.

0:39:32.671,0:39:39.109
It's not part of the condition.[br]It's just unfortunate.[br]So...i sat with the hooker.

0:39:39.111,0:39:40.543
It's just unfortunate.[br]So...i sat with the hooker.[br]Now, i'm gonna pay for

0:39:40.545,0:39:44.180
So...i sat with the hooker.[br]Now, i'm gonna pay for[br]everything.

0:39:44.182,0:39:45.448
Now, i'm gonna pay for[br]everything.[br]Now, the reason i'm gonna pay

0:39:45.450,0:39:47.117
Everything.[br]Now, the reason i'm gonna pay[br]for everything is simple.

0:39:47.119,0:39:48.852
Now, the reason i'm gonna pay[br]for everything is simple.[br]I told dan and andrew that i

0:39:48.854,0:39:50.587
For everything is simple.[br]I told dan and andrew that i[br]would pay for everything, as

0:39:50.589,0:39:52.522
I told dan and andrew that i[br]would pay for everything, as[br]long as i got to tell this story

0:39:52.524,0:39:54.224
Would pay for everything, as[br]long as i got to tell this story[br]to hundreds of thousands of

0:39:54.226,0:39:56.292
Long as i got to tell this story[br]to hundreds of thousands of[br]people in the future.

0:39:56.294,0:39:58.294
To hundreds of thousands of[br]people in the future.[br]And they said, "of course you

0:39:58.296,0:40:00.397
People in the future.[br]And they said, "of course you[br]can, jim, but be respectful and

0:40:00.399,0:40:02.565
And they said, "of course you[br]can, jim, but be respectful and[br]change our names," which sounds

0:40:02.567,0:40:04.734
Can, jim, but be respectful and[br]change our names," which sounds[br]like the right thing to do, now,

0:40:04.736,0:40:07.504
Change our names," which sounds[br]like the right thing to do, now,[br]doesn't it?

0:40:07.506,0:40:09.139
Like the right thing to do, now,[br]doesn't it?[br]Now, i haven't changed their

0:40:09.141,0:40:11.040
Doesn't it?[br]Now, i haven't changed their[br]names.

0:40:11.042,0:40:13.109
Now, i haven't changed their[br]names.[br]Their names are andrew and

0:40:13.111,0:40:15.311
Names.[br]Their names are andrew and[br]daniel connor from st kilda,

0:40:15.313,0:40:18.047
Their names are andrew and[br]daniel connor from st kilda,[br]melbourne, australia.

0:40:18.049,0:40:19.582
Daniel connor from st kilda,[br]melbourne, australia.[br]I would have liked to have

0:40:19.584,0:40:20.784
Melbourne, australia.[br]I would have liked to have[br]changed their names.

0:40:20.786,0:40:22.419
I would have liked to have[br]changed their names.[br]It is the right thing to do.

0:40:22.421,0:40:24.421
Changed their names.[br]It is the right thing to do.[br]But i look at this way -- Even

0:40:24.423,0:40:26.322
It is the right thing to do.[br]But i look at this way -- Even[br]if i changed their names and

0:40:26.324,0:40:28.324
But i look at this way -- Even[br]if i changed their names and[br]their parents started watching

0:40:28.326,0:40:30.326
If i changed their names and[br]their parents started watching[br]my comedy, they'd be like, "my

0:40:30.328,0:40:32.429
Their parents started watching[br]my comedy, they'd be like, "my[br]word, doesn't 'randy' and

0:40:32.431,0:40:37.500
My comedy, they'd be like, "my[br]word, doesn't 'randy' and[br]'steve' sound like our kids?

0:40:37.502,0:40:39.402
Word, doesn't 'randy' and[br]'steve' sound like our kids?[br]Didn't jim grow up with a lot of

0:40:39.404,0:40:47.477
'Steve' sound like our kids?[br]Didn't jim grow up with a lot of[br]people with muscular dystrophy?"

0:40:47.479,0:40:49.012
Didn't jim grow up with a lot of[br]people with muscular dystrophy?"[br]So, i sat there with the hooker,

0:40:49.014,0:40:50.413
People with muscular dystrophy?"[br]So, i sat there with the hooker,[br]and i said, "how much for the

0:40:50.415,0:40:51.080
So, i sat there with the hooker,[br]and i said, "how much for the[br]half-Hour?"

0:40:51.082,0:40:52.148
And i said, "how much for the[br]half-Hour?"[br]And she said, "$180."

0:40:52.150,0:40:53.650
Half-Hour?"[br]And she said, "$180."[br]And i said, "i'll give you $250

0:40:53.652,0:40:55.318
And she said, "$180."[br]And i said, "i'll give you $250[br]'cause i realize this is a

0:40:55.320,0:40:57.520
And i said, "i'll give you $250[br]'cause i realize this is a[br]specialty thing you're doing."

0:40:57.522,0:40:58.788
'Cause i realize this is a[br]specialty thing you're doing."[br]And she goes, "i got one

0:40:58.790,0:41:00.256
Specialty thing you're doing."[br]And she goes, "i got one[br]question for you," and i said,

0:41:00.258,0:41:03.359
And she goes, "i got one[br]question for you," and i said,[br]"shoot," and she went...

0:41:03.361,0:41:06.162
Question for you," and i said,[br]"shoot," and she went...[br]"is he mentally retarded?"

0:41:06.164,0:41:13.870
"Shoot," and she went...[br]"is he mentally retarded?"[br]And i went...

0:41:13.872,0:41:16.239
"Is he mentally retarded?"[br]And i went...[br]"oh, yeah.

0:41:16.241,0:41:18.308
And i went...[br]"oh, yeah.[br]That's what i do.

0:41:18.310,0:41:21.344
"Oh, yeah.[br]That's what i do.[br]I find mentally retarded people

0:41:21.346,0:41:25.982
That's what i do.[br]I find mentally retarded people[br]and take them to prostitutes.

0:41:25.984,0:41:27.784
I find mentally retarded people[br]and take them to prostitutes.[br]I'll be masturbating in the

0:41:27.786,0:41:30.453
And take them to prostitutes.[br]I'll be masturbating in the[br]corner.

0:41:30.455,0:41:33.556
I'll be masturbating in the[br]corner.[br]He doesn't even know he's here."

0:41:33.558,0:41:35.225
Corner.[br]He doesn't even know he's here."[br]And she went, "okay, then, but

0:41:35.227,0:41:36.626
He doesn't even know he's here."[br]And she went, "okay, then, but[br]if there's two of you --"

0:41:36.628,0:41:40.129
And she went, "okay, then, but[br]if there's two of you --"[br]"No, he's not mentally retarded!

0:41:40.131,0:41:41.631
If there's two of you --"[br]"No, he's not mentally retarded![br]It's his choice to come here!

0:41:41.633,0:41:42.832
"No, he's not mentally retarded![br]It's his choice to come here![br]There's a good chance he'll

0:41:42.834,0:41:46.002
It's his choice to come here![br]There's a good chance he'll[br]die!"

0:41:46.004,0:41:47.537
There's a good chance he'll[br]die!"[br]And she went, "what am i meant

0:41:47.539,0:41:48.438
Die!"[br]And she went, "what am i meant[br]to do with him?"

0:41:48.440,0:41:50.807
And she went, "what am i meant[br]to do with him?"[br]And i went, "i don't know.

0:41:50.809,0:41:54.577
To do with him?"[br]And i went, "i don't know.[br]I've never been a hooker.

0:41:54.579,0:41:56.946
And i went, "i don't know.[br]I've never been a hooker.[br]But i'm thinking give him a bit

0:41:56.948,0:41:57.914
I've never been a hooker.[br]But i'm thinking give him a bit[br]of a show.

0:41:57.916,0:41:59.983
But i'm thinking give him a bit[br]of a show.[br]Dance it around a bit.

0:41:59.985,0:42:02.185
Of a show.[br]Dance it around a bit.[br]Rub your tits in his face.

0:42:02.187,0:42:04.521
Dance it around a bit.[br]Rub your tits in his face.[br]Then suck him off.

0:42:04.523,0:42:06.289
Rub your tits in his face.[br]Then suck him off.[br]But don't sit on him or fuck

0:42:06.291,0:42:07.790
Then suck him off.[br]But don't sit on him or fuck[br]him.

0:42:07.792,0:42:14.097
But don't sit on him or fuck[br]him.[br]It'll kill him."

0:42:14.099,0:42:15.532
Him.[br]It'll kill him."[br]So, we go up to the room, which,

0:42:15.534,0:42:16.799
It'll kill him."[br]So, we go up to the room, which,[br]thank god, was on the first

0:42:16.801,0:42:20.703
So, we go up to the room, which,[br]thank god, was on the first[br]floor.

0:42:20.705,0:42:22.705
Thank god, was on the first[br]floor.[br]And me and andrew look at dan

0:42:22.707,0:42:24.874
Floor.[br]And me and andrew look at dan[br]like two proud parents, watching

0:42:24.876,0:42:26.910
And me and andrew look at dan[br]like two proud parents, watching[br]our child go to school for the

0:42:26.912,0:42:34.083
Like two proud parents, watching[br]our child go to school for the[br]first time.

0:42:34.085,0:42:34.918
Our child go to school for the[br]first time.[br]And then we leave.

0:42:34.920,0:42:36.119
First time.[br]And then we leave.[br]And as we proceed to leave, i

0:42:36.121,0:42:37.320
And then we leave.[br]And as we proceed to leave, i[br]pat andrew on the back, and i

0:42:37.322,0:42:38.488
And as we proceed to leave, i[br]pat andrew on the back, and i[br]said, "andrew, you've been a

0:42:38.490,0:42:39.389
Pat andrew on the back, and i[br]said, "andrew, you've been a[br]good brother today."

0:42:39.391,0:42:40.490
Said, "andrew, you've been a[br]good brother today."[br]He said, "thanks, mate."

0:42:40.492,0:42:41.357
Good brother today."[br]He said, "thanks, mate."[br]Then we had a hug.

0:42:41.359,0:42:42.559
He said, "thanks, mate."[br]Then we had a hug.[br]And then we had that moment

0:42:42.561,0:42:43.826
Then we had a hug.[br]And then we had that moment[br]after our hug that australian

0:42:43.828,0:42:45.194
And then we had that moment[br]after our hug that australian[br]men have, where we go, "ah, get

0:42:45.196,0:42:45.828
After our hug that australian[br]men have, where we go, "ah, get[br]out of here.

0:42:45.830,0:42:48.264
Men have, where we go, "ah, get[br]out of here.[br]What's wrong with ya?"

0:42:48.266,0:42:50.667
Out of here.[br]What's wrong with ya?"[br]And then i said, "hey, andrew,

0:42:50.669,0:42:52.402
What's wrong with ya?"[br]And then i said, "hey, andrew,[br]how does dan get his clothes

0:42:52.404,0:42:54.704
And then i said, "hey, andrew,[br]how does dan get his clothes[br]off?"

0:42:54.706,0:42:57.240
How does dan get his clothes[br]off?"[br]And andrew went...

0:42:57.242,0:42:59.442
Off?"[br]And andrew went...[br]"fuck!"

0:42:59.444,0:43:02.478
And andrew went...[br]"fuck!"[br]And we went back in.

0:43:02.480,0:43:03.746
"Fuck!"[br]And we went back in.[br]Andrew looks him up and down,

0:43:03.748,0:43:04.981
And we went back in.[br]Andrew looks him up and down,[br]and he turns to me and goes,

0:43:04.983,0:43:07.750
Andrew looks him up and down,[br]and he turns to me and goes,[br]"look -- He's very fragile.

0:43:07.752,0:43:09.152
And he turns to me and goes,[br]"look -- He's very fragile.[br]I know how he likes to be

0:43:09.154,0:43:10.587
"Look -- He's very fragile.[br]I know how he likes to be[br]picked up.

0:43:10.589,0:43:11.654
I know how he likes to be[br]picked up.[br]I'll lift him up.

0:43:11.656,0:43:13.923
Picked up.[br]I'll lift him up.[br]You take his pants off."

0:43:13.925,0:43:15.592
I'll lift him up.[br]You take his pants off."[br]Andrew gets behind, lifts him up

0:43:15.594,0:43:16.893
You take his pants off."[br]Andrew gets behind, lifts him up[br]by his armpits -- Like i

0:43:16.895,0:43:18.461
Andrew gets behind, lifts him up[br]by his armpits -- Like i[br]couldn't have figured out their

0:43:18.463,0:43:23.366
By his armpits -- Like i[br]couldn't have figured out their[br]magical hold.

0:43:23.368,0:43:25.201
Couldn't have figured out their[br]magical hold.[br]I'm on my knees taking dan's

0:43:25.203,0:43:26.636
Magical hold.[br]I'm on my knees taking dan's[br]track-Suit pants off.

0:43:26.638,0:43:28.705
I'm on my knees taking dan's[br]track-Suit pants off.[br]He always wore track-Suit pants,

0:43:28.707,0:43:30.273
Track-Suit pants off.[br]He always wore track-Suit pants,[br]never got into fashion.

0:43:30.275,0:43:32.642
He always wore track-Suit pants,[br]never got into fashion.[br]And as i'm taking his track-Suit

0:43:32.644,0:43:34.978
Never got into fashion.[br]And as i'm taking his track-Suit[br]pants off, what many of you are

0:43:34.980,0:43:37.146
And as i'm taking his track-Suit[br]pants off, what many of you are[br]wondering is, "can dan get an

0:43:37.148,0:43:40.149
Pants off, what many of you are[br]wondering is, "can dan get an[br]erection?"

0:43:40.151,0:43:43.019
Wondering is, "can dan get an[br]erection?"[br]And the answer is, "yes."

0:43:43.021,0:43:44.287
Erection?"[br]And the answer is, "yes."[br]Even though none of the muscles

0:43:44.289,0:43:45.521
And the answer is, "yes."[br]Even though none of the muscles[br]in his body work, the cock is

0:43:45.523,0:43:46.155
Even though none of the muscles[br]in his body work, the cock is[br]not a muscle.

0:43:46.157,0:43:47.323
In his body work, the cock is[br]not a muscle.[br]The cock is a bit of skin that

0:43:47.325,0:43:48.191
Not a muscle.[br]The cock is a bit of skin that[br]fills with blood.

0:43:48.193,0:43:49.959
The cock is a bit of skin that[br]fills with blood.[br]If he gets aroused up here,

0:43:49.961,0:43:51.594
Fills with blood.[br]If he gets aroused up here,[br]blood will rush to there.

0:43:51.596,0:43:55.865
If he gets aroused up here,[br]blood will rush to there.[br]Now, what nobody knew about this

0:43:55.867,0:43:59.402
Blood will rush to there.[br]Now, what nobody knew about this[br]32-Year-Old virgin is that dan's

0:43:59.404,0:44:01.838
Now, what nobody knew about this[br]32-Year-Old virgin is that dan's[br]packing heat!

0:44:01.840,0:44:04.307
32-Year-Old virgin is that dan's[br]packing heat![br]I'm talking 9 1/2 inches of

0:44:04.309,0:44:06.843
Packing heat![br]I'm talking 9 1/2 inches of[br]disabled misery.

0:44:06.845,0:44:08.378
I'm talking 9 1/2 inches of[br]disabled misery.[br]This cock's so fucking big, i

0:44:08.380,0:44:10.079
Disabled misery.[br]This cock's so fucking big, i[br]think that's why the rest of his

0:44:10.081,0:44:12.181
This cock's so fucking big, i[br]think that's why the rest of his[br]muscles didn't work.

0:44:12.183,0:44:13.650
Think that's why the rest of his[br]muscles didn't work.[br]I take the pants off.

0:44:13.652,0:44:15.585
Muscles didn't work.[br]I take the pants off.[br]This thing springs up and hits

0:44:15.587,0:44:17.553
I take the pants off.[br]This thing springs up and hits[br]me in the mouth.

0:44:17.555,0:44:32.502
Then the hooker goes, "let's do[br]the light."[br]Let's explain the light.

0:44:32.504,0:44:34.037
The light."[br]Let's explain the light.[br]When they legalized prostitution

0:44:34.039,0:44:35.238
Let's explain the light.[br]When they legalized prostitution[br]in australia, they didn't

0:44:35.240,0:44:36.506
When they legalized prostitution[br]in australia, they didn't[br]legalize it in all forms.

0:44:36.508,0:44:37.940
In australia, they didn't[br]legalize it in all forms.[br]For instance, you cannot get a

0:44:37.942,0:44:39.042
Legalize it in all forms.[br]For instance, you cannot get a[br]street-Walking hooker.

0:44:39.044,0:44:40.510
For instance, you cannot get a[br]street-Walking hooker.[br]You cannot get a prostitute to

0:44:40.512,0:44:41.377
Street-Walking hooker.[br]You cannot get a prostitute to[br]your hotel room.

0:44:41.379,0:44:42.879
You cannot get a prostitute to[br]your hotel room.[br]You can only go to a brothel, in

0:44:42.881,0:44:44.313
Your hotel room.[br]You can only go to a brothel, in[br]a safe environment, where they

0:44:44.315,0:44:45.782
You can only go to a brothel, in[br]a safe environment, where they[br]have security for the girls in

0:44:45.784,0:44:47.116
A safe environment, where they[br]have security for the girls in[br]case a man shows up being a

0:44:47.118,0:44:49.419
Have security for the girls in[br]case a man shows up being a[br]drunken dickhead or whatever.

0:44:49.421,0:44:51.154
Case a man shows up being a[br]drunken dickhead or whatever.[br]And also it's safer for the

0:44:51.156,0:44:52.855
Drunken dickhead or whatever.[br]And also it's safer for the[br]people that go to brothels

0:44:52.857,0:44:54.924
And also it's safer for the[br]people that go to brothels[br]because the girls get tested for

0:44:54.926,0:44:56.693
People that go to brothels[br]because the girls get tested for[br]stds every month.

0:44:56.695,0:44:59.495
Because the girls get tested for[br]stds every month.[br]So, arguably, you're better off

0:44:59.497,0:45:01.531
Stds every month.[br]So, arguably, you're better off[br]in australia fucking a

0:45:01.533,0:45:04.133
So, arguably, you're better off[br]in australia fucking a[br]prostitute than picking up a

0:45:04.135,0:45:05.601
In australia fucking a[br]prostitute than picking up a[br]girl in a bar.

0:45:05.603,0:45:07.503
Prostitute than picking up a[br]girl in a bar.[br]But i'm not gonna have that

0:45:07.505,0:45:10.239
Girl in a bar.[br]But i'm not gonna have that[br]conversation again.

0:45:10.241,0:45:12.975
But i'm not gonna have that[br]conversation again.[br]All my -- You try explaining

0:45:12.977,0:45:13.976
Conversation again.[br]All my -- You try explaining[br]that to a girlfriend.

0:45:13.978,0:45:19.215
All my -- You try explaining[br]that to a girlfriend.[br]It's a fucking minefield.

0:45:19.217,0:45:21.050
That to a girlfriend.[br]It's a fucking minefield.[br]But also they make it safe for

0:45:21.052,0:45:21.818
It's a fucking minefield.[br]But also they make it safe for[br]the girls.

0:45:21.820,0:45:23.619
But also they make it safe for[br]the girls.[br]If you're a guy who goes to a

0:45:23.621,0:45:25.455
The girls.[br]If you're a guy who goes to a[br]prostitute, you have to undergo

0:45:25.457,0:45:26.255
If you're a guy who goes to a[br]prostitute, you have to undergo[br]the light.

0:45:26.257,0:45:27.323
Prostitute, you have to undergo[br]the light.[br]Let's explain the light.

0:45:27.325,0:45:28.324
The light.[br]Let's explain the light.[br]It's very simple.

0:45:28.326,0:45:30.593
Let's explain the light.[br]It's very simple.[br]It sounds like what it is.

0:45:30.595,0:45:33.796
It's very simple.[br]It sounds like what it is.[br]You put your cock under a very

0:45:33.798,0:45:36.165
It sounds like what it is.[br]You put your cock under a very[br]bright light, and they look

0:45:36.167,0:45:38.501
You put your cock under a very[br]bright light, and they look[br]around the shaft to see if

0:45:38.503,0:45:40.703
Bright light, and they look[br]around the shaft to see if[br]there's anything untoward.

0:45:40.705,0:45:42.872
Around the shaft to see if[br]there's anything untoward.[br]Then they get a magnifying glass

0:45:42.874,0:45:44.874
There's anything untoward.[br]Then they get a magnifying glass[br]out, go through your pubes to

0:45:44.876,0:45:46.743
Then they get a magnifying glass[br]out, go through your pubes to[br]make sure nothing's running

0:45:46.745,0:45:50.279
Out, go through your pubes to[br]make sure nothing's running[br]around.

0:45:50.281,0:45:51.714
Make sure nothing's running[br]around.[br]It's not a big deal.

0:45:51.716,0:45:52.982
Around.[br]It's not a big deal.[br]I've been rejected heaps of

0:45:52.984,0:45:56.285
It's not a big deal.[br]I've been rejected heaps of[br]times.

0:45:56.287,0:45:58.254
I've been rejected heaps of[br]times.[br]Now, the chair's here.

0:45:58.256,0:45:59.822
Times.[br]Now, the chair's here.[br]There's a bed here.

0:45:59.824,0:46:01.624
Now, the chair's here.[br]There's a bed here.[br]There's a hot tub there.

0:46:01.626,0:46:03.025
There's a bed here.[br]There's a hot tub there.[br]The light's over there.

0:46:03.027,0:46:05.061
There's a hot tub there.[br]The light's over there.[br]Now, we try to get the chair

0:46:05.063,0:46:07.130
The light's over there.[br]Now, we try to get the chair[br]past the bed and the hot tub,

0:46:07.132,0:46:09.165
Now, we try to get the chair[br]past the bed and the hot tub,[br]but we can't get it through.

0:46:09.167,0:46:10.199
Past the bed and the hot tub,[br]but we can't get it through.[br]So, me and andrew walk over to

0:46:10.201,0:46:11.300
But we can't get it through.[br]So, me and andrew walk over to[br]the hooker, and we're whispering

0:46:11.302,0:46:12.268
So, me and andrew walk over to[br]the hooker, and we're whispering[br]'cause we don't want dan to

0:46:12.270,0:46:12.568
The hooker, and we're whispering[br]'cause we don't want dan to[br]hear.

0:46:12.570,0:46:16.005
'Cause we don't want dan to[br]hear.[br]We're like, "um...we can't do

0:46:16.007,0:46:18.474
Hear.[br]We're like, "um...we can't do[br]the light thing."

0:46:18.476,0:46:20.376
We're like, "um...we can't do[br]the light thing."[br]And she goes, "if you don't do

0:46:20.378,0:46:22.712
The light thing."[br]And she goes, "if you don't do[br]the light, i'm not doing it."

0:46:22.714,0:46:26.215
And she goes, "if you don't do[br]the light, i'm not doing it."[br]And me and andrew went, "aw.

0:46:26.217,0:46:28.885
The light, i'm not doing it."[br]And me and andrew went, "aw.[br]Come on.

0:46:28.887,0:46:29.719
And me and andrew went, "aw.[br]Come on.[br]He's a virgin.

0:46:29.721,0:46:31.120
Come on.[br]He's a virgin.[br]What's the worst that could

0:46:31.122,0:46:31.654
He's a virgin.[br]What's the worst that could[br]happen?"

0:46:31.656,0:46:35.658
What's the worst that could[br]happen?"[br]And she whispered, "actually,

0:46:35.660,0:46:36.959
Happen?"[br]And she whispered, "actually,[br]i'm more concerned about his

0:46:36.961,0:46:39.028
And she whispered, "actually,[br]i'm more concerned about his[br]cleanliness."

0:46:39.030,0:46:40.797
I'm more concerned about his[br]cleanliness."[br]And then his brother andrew said

0:46:40.799,0:46:44.167
Cleanliness."[br]And then his brother andrew said[br]loudly and proudly, "i washed it

0:46:44.169,0:46:47.436
And then his brother andrew said[br]loudly and proudly, "i washed it[br]before we came out!"

0:46:47.438,0:46:49.038
Loudly and proudly, "i washed it[br]before we came out!"[br]Now, you may think you're a good

0:46:49.040,0:46:50.373
Before we came out!"[br]Now, you may think you're a good[br]brother, good sister, good

0:46:50.375,0:46:51.941
Now, you may think you're a good[br]brother, good sister, good[br]mother, good daughter, whatever

0:46:51.943,0:46:53.409
Brother, good sister, good[br]mother, good daughter, whatever[br]the fuck you think you are in

0:46:53.411,0:46:54.911
Mother, good daughter, whatever[br]the fuck you think you are in[br]this world, but you're nothing

0:46:54.913,0:46:56.145
The fuck you think you are in[br]this world, but you're nothing[br]until you've washed your

0:46:56.147,0:46:57.713
This world, but you're nothing[br]until you've washed your[br]disabled brother's cock to take

0:46:57.715,0:47:00.082
Until you've washed your[br]disabled brother's cock to take[br]him to a prostitute!

0:47:00.084,0:47:01.818
Disabled brother's cock to take[br]him to a prostitute![br]That is love, ladies and

0:47:01.820,0:47:03.920
Him to a prostitute![br]That is love, ladies and[br]gentlemen -- Tangible fucking

0:47:03.922,0:47:09.025
That is love, ladies and[br]gentlemen -- Tangible fucking[br]love.

0:47:09.027,0:47:10.226
Gentlemen -- Tangible fucking[br]love.[br]So, we looked at dan.

0:47:10.228,0:47:11.861
Love.[br]So, we looked at dan.[br]Everyone agreed it was time to

0:47:11.863,0:47:14.030
So, we looked at dan.[br]Everyone agreed it was time to[br]go.

0:47:14.032,0:47:15.598
Everyone agreed it was time to[br]go.[br]We looked at dan.

0:47:15.600,0:47:17.166
Go.[br]We looked at dan.[br]Me and andrew looked at him and

0:47:17.168,0:47:23.940
We looked at dan.[br]Me and andrew looked at him and[br]went, "we're going now, mate.

0:47:23.942,0:47:25.074
Me and andrew looked at him and[br]went, "we're going now, mate.[br]If you got anything you want to

0:47:25.076,0:47:26.142
Went, "we're going now, mate.[br]If you got anything you want to[br]say to us, say it now, 'cause,

0:47:26.144,0:47:31.681
If you got anything you want to[br]say to us, say it now, 'cause,[br]uh, we're gonna leave, mate."

0:47:31.683,0:47:33.649
Say to us, say it now, 'cause,[br]uh, we're gonna leave, mate."[br]And this is what dan did.

0:47:33.651,0:47:54.604
[ Imitates wheelchair whirring ]

0:47:54.606,0:48:16.592
"Leave!"[br]So, me and andrew went back down[br]to the bar, and we hanged out

0:48:16.594,0:48:17.994
So, me and andrew went back down[br]to the bar, and we hanged out[br]with the hookers.

0:48:17.996,0:48:19.328
To the bar, and we hanged out[br]with the hookers.[br]There was like 10 of them sort

0:48:19.330,0:48:21.364
With the hookers.[br]There was like 10 of them sort[br]of mulling around there.

0:48:21.366,0:48:24.333
There was like 10 of them sort[br]of mulling around there.[br]We're standing there.

0:48:24.335,0:48:25.368
Of mulling around there.[br]We're standing there.[br]We don't know what dan's up to,

0:48:25.370,0:48:26.369
We're standing there.[br]We don't know what dan's up to,[br]but we're standing around the

0:48:26.371,0:48:28.004
We don't know what dan's up to,[br]but we're standing around the[br]bar with all the hookers.

0:48:28.006,0:48:30.673
But we're standing around the[br]bar with all the hookers.[br]And then five guys from london

0:48:30.675,0:48:32.308
Bar with all the hookers.[br]And then five guys from london[br]walk into the bar, who are

0:48:32.310,0:48:34.143
And then five guys from london[br]walk into the bar, who are[br]obviously out of their fucking

0:48:34.145,0:48:35.378
Walk into the bar, who are[br]obviously out of their fucking[br]skulls on coke.

0:48:35.380,0:48:36.913
Obviously out of their fucking[br]skulls on coke.[br]Now, if you've never taken a

0:48:36.915,0:48:38.014
Skulls on coke.[br]Now, if you've never taken a[br]lot of coke, and i've --

0:48:38.016,0:48:41.183
Now, if you've never taken a[br]lot of coke, and i've --[br][ Mumbles ]

0:48:41.185,0:48:42.385
Lot of coke, and i've --[br][ Mumbles ][br]if anyone's got any...

0:48:42.387,0:48:44.020
[ Mumbles ][br]if anyone's got any...[br][ mumbles ]

0:48:44.022,0:48:47.890
If anyone's got any...[br][ mumbles ][br]no, if you've never taken coke,

0:48:47.892,0:48:49.592
[ Mumbles ][br]no, if you've never taken coke,[br]you don't -- When like five or

0:48:49.594,0:48:51.294
No, if you've never taken coke,[br]you don't -- When like five or[br]six guys get together and take

0:48:51.296,0:48:53.262
You don't -- When like five or[br]six guys get together and take[br]coke on, like, a tuesday, there

0:48:53.264,0:48:55.197
Six guys get together and take[br]coke on, like, a tuesday, there[br]comes a point at about 6:00 in

0:48:55.199,0:48:57.066
Coke on, like, a tuesday, there[br]comes a point at about 6:00 in[br]the morning when they go, "we

0:48:57.068,0:48:58.100
Comes a point at about 6:00 in[br]the morning when they go, "we[br]better call up some chicks,

0:48:58.102,0:48:58.534
The morning when they go, "we[br]better call up some chicks,[br]maybe --"

0:48:58.536,0:48:59.702
Better call up some chicks,[br]maybe --"[br]And you call up ex-Girlfriends,

0:48:59.704,0:49:00.903
Maybe --"[br]And you call up ex-Girlfriends,[br]like, "bring some friends, bring

0:49:00.905,0:49:01.504
And you call up ex-Girlfriends,[br]like, "bring some friends, bring[br]some friends."

0:49:01.506,0:49:03.239
Like, "bring some friends, bring[br]some friends."[br]And it's like -- I don't know

0:49:03.241,0:49:04.607
Some friends."[br]And it's like -- I don't know[br]what you're expecting.

0:49:04.609,0:49:05.908
And it's like -- I don't know[br]what you're expecting.[br]So, basically, this --

0:49:05.910,0:49:07.476
What you're expecting.[br]So, basically, this --[br]I think it was a wednesday we

0:49:07.478,0:49:09.178
So, basically, this --[br]I think it was a wednesday we[br]did this, and i think these guys

0:49:09.180,0:49:10.680
I think it was a wednesday we[br]did this, and i think these guys[br]had been on coke all night.

0:49:10.682,0:49:11.681
Did this, and i think these guys[br]had been on coke all night.[br]And they've obviously gone, "all

0:49:11.683,0:49:12.448
Had been on coke all night.[br]And they've obviously gone, "all[br]right, let's go down the

0:49:12.450,0:49:12.782
And they've obviously gone, "all[br]right, let's go down the[br]brothel.

0:49:12.784,0:49:13.582
Right, let's go down the[br]brothel.[br]We'll go down the brothel.

0:49:13.584,0:49:14.083
Brothel.[br]We'll go down the brothel.[br]It'll be fun.

0:49:14.085,0:49:14.951
We'll go down the brothel.[br]It'll be fun.[br]We'll go down the brothel."

0:49:14.953,0:49:16.552
It'll be fun.[br]We'll go down the brothel."[br]And i'm standing at the bar,

0:49:16.554,0:49:18.321
We'll go down the brothel."[br]And i'm standing at the bar,[br]chatting with all the hookers,

0:49:18.323,0:49:20.122
And i'm standing at the bar,[br]chatting with all the hookers,[br]and these five guys from london

0:49:20.124,0:49:21.524
Chatting with all the hookers,[br]and these five guys from london[br]walk in, and one of them

0:49:21.526,0:49:24.160
And these five guys from london[br]walk in, and one of them[br]recognizes me and goes,

0:49:24.162,0:49:25.161
Walk in, and one of them[br]recognizes me and goes,[br]"jim fucking jefferies,

0:49:25.163,0:49:26.095
Recognizes me and goes,[br]"jim fucking jefferies,[br]jim fucking jefferies.

0:49:26.097,0:49:27.229
"Jim fucking jefferies,[br]jim fucking jefferies.[br]I know you, mate. I know you.

0:49:27.231,0:49:28.364
Jim fucking jefferies.[br]I know you, mate. I know you.[br]You're the comedian -- The

0:49:28.366,0:49:29.598
I know you, mate. I know you.[br]You're the comedian -- The[br]'spaz approved' guy, australian

0:49:29.600,0:49:31.968
You're the comedian -- The[br]'spaz approved' guy, australian[br]comedian."

0:49:31.970,0:49:33.369
'Spaz approved' guy, australian[br]comedian."[br]And i went, "hey, how you doing,

0:49:33.371,0:49:33.736
Comedian."[br]And i went, "hey, how you doing,[br]man?"

0:49:33.738,0:49:35.004
And i went, "hey, how you doing,[br]man?"[br]He goes, "hey, jim, jim, jim,

0:49:35.006,0:49:37.306
Man?"[br]He goes, "hey, jim, jim, jim,[br]jim, jim, jim...

0:49:37.308,0:49:39.141
He goes, "hey, jim, jim, jim,[br]jim, jim, jim...[br]want a line of coke?"

0:49:39.143,0:49:43.145
Jim, jim, jim...[br]want a line of coke?"[br]And i went, "yes."

0:49:43.147,0:49:45.715
Want a line of coke?"[br]And i went, "yes."[br]And i went up to the toilet

0:49:45.717,0:49:46.816
And i went, "yes."[br]And i went up to the toilet[br]and did a line of coke.

0:49:46.818,0:49:48.351
And i went up to the toilet[br]and did a line of coke.[br]And i come back out, and,

0:49:48.353,0:49:50.052
And did a line of coke.[br]And i come back out, and,[br]obviously, i've left andrew

0:49:50.054,0:49:51.687
And i come back out, and,[br]obviously, i've left andrew[br]alone for too long, and he's

0:49:51.689,0:49:53.155
Obviously, i've left andrew[br]alone for too long, and he's[br]sort of panicking all by

0:49:53.157,0:49:53.789
Alone for too long, and he's[br]sort of panicking all by[br]himself.

0:49:53.791,0:49:57.660
Sort of panicking all by[br]himself.[br]And i sort of walk in, like...

0:49:57.662,0:49:59.895
Himself.[br]And i sort of walk in, like...[br]"what's wrong?"

0:49:59.897,0:50:01.163
And i sort of walk in, like...[br]"what's wrong?"[br]And he goes, "what if we've done

0:50:01.165,0:50:02.264
"What's wrong?"[br]And he goes, "what if we've done[br]the wrong thing here?

0:50:02.266,0:50:03.566
And he goes, "what if we've done[br]the wrong thing here?[br]What if he's in there dying

0:50:03.568,0:50:04.166
The wrong thing here?[br]What if he's in there dying[br]right now?

0:50:04.168,0:50:05.368
What if he's in there dying[br]right now?[br]What if he stopped fucking

0:50:05.370,0:50:06.836
Right now?[br]What if he stopped fucking[br]breathing or -- What the fuck --

0:50:06.838,0:50:07.903
What if he stopped fucking[br]breathing or -- What the fuck --[br]Or his heart stopped?

0:50:07.905,0:50:09.238
Breathing or -- What the fuck --[br]Or his heart stopped?[br]What the fuck are we meant to

0:50:09.240,0:50:09.605
Or his heart stopped?[br]What the fuck are we meant to[br]do?"

0:50:09.607,0:50:11.240
What the fuck are we meant to[br]do?"[br]I said, "uh, not a problem,

0:50:11.242,0:50:12.074
Do?"[br]I said, "uh, not a problem,[br]not a problem.

0:50:12.076,0:50:14.643
I said, "uh, not a problem,[br]not a problem.[br]Um...

0:50:14.645,0:50:17.179
Not a problem.[br]Um...[br]i'll resuscitate him."

0:50:17.181,0:50:18.447
Um...[br]i'll resuscitate him."[br]And he said, "do you know how to

0:50:18.449,0:50:18.914
I'll resuscitate him."[br]And he said, "do you know how to[br]do that?"

0:50:18.916,0:50:20.016
And he said, "do you know how to[br]do that?"[br]And i said, "no, i don't, but

0:50:20.018,0:50:20.883
Do that?"[br]And i said, "no, i don't, but[br]how hard could it be?

0:50:20.885,0:50:25.021
And i said, "no, i don't, but[br]how hard could it be?[br]Push, push, blow, blow."

0:50:25.023,0:50:26.022
How hard could it be?[br]Push, push, blow, blow."[br][ Chuckles ]

0:50:26.024,0:50:27.289
Push, push, blow, blow."[br][ Chuckles ][br]i haven't embellished that in

0:50:27.291,0:50:27.990
[ Chuckles ][br]i haven't embellished that in[br]the slightest.

0:50:27.992,0:50:29.191
I haven't embellished that in[br]the slightest.[br]That's the exact thing i said

0:50:29.193,0:50:31.827
The slightest.[br]That's the exact thing i said[br]to him -- "Push, push, blow,

0:50:31.829,0:50:36.298
That's the exact thing i said[br]to him -- "Push, push, blow,[br]blow."

0:50:36.300,0:50:38.200
To him -- "Push, push, blow,[br]blow."[br]Then the prostitute walks back

0:50:38.202,0:50:40.036
Blow."[br]Then the prostitute walks back[br]in the room, who was with dan.

0:50:40.038,0:50:42.004
Then the prostitute walks back[br]in the room, who was with dan.[br]So, i'm standing with the 5 coke

0:50:42.006,0:50:44.940
In the room, who was with dan.[br]So, i'm standing with the 5 coke[br]fiends, 10 prostitutes.

0:50:44.942,0:50:45.941
So, i'm standing with the 5 coke[br]fiends, 10 prostitutes.[br]She walks in the room.

0:50:45.943,0:50:47.276
Fiends, 10 prostitutes.[br]She walks in the room.[br]It's like that moment in a movie

0:50:47.278,0:50:48.544
She walks in the room.[br]It's like that moment in a movie[br]where the needle on the record

0:50:48.546,0:50:49.445
It's like that moment in a movie[br]where the needle on the record[br]just sort of goes...

0:50:49.447,0:50:51.047
Where the needle on the record[br]just sort of goes...[br][ imitates record scratching ]

0:50:51.049,0:50:54.383
Just sort of goes...[br][ imitates record scratching ][br]and everything stopped.

0:50:54.385,0:50:57.119
[ Imitates record scratching ][br]and everything stopped.[br]And she walked in, and she said,

0:50:57.121,0:51:01.724
And everything stopped.[br]And she walked in, and she said,[br]"well...it's over."

0:51:01.726,0:51:03.192
And she walked in, and she said,[br]"well...it's over."[br]And me and andrew, in unison,

0:51:03.194,0:51:05.728
"Well...it's over."[br]And me and andrew, in unison,[br]went...

0:51:05.730,0:51:07.663
And me and andrew, in unison,[br]went...[br]"is he dead?"

0:51:07.665,0:51:24.847
And her exact words were,[br]"oh, i didn't check that."[br]So, me, andrew, the 5 coke

0:51:24.849,0:51:26.682
"Oh, i didn't check that."[br]So, me, andrew, the 5 coke[br]fiends, the 10 hookers -- We

0:51:26.684,0:51:28.050
So, me, andrew, the 5 coke[br]fiends, the 10 hookers -- We[br]all run to the room.

0:51:28.052,0:51:29.385
Fiends, the 10 hookers -- We[br]all run to the room.[br]No, he's not dead!

0:51:29.387,0:51:31.387
All run to the room.[br]No, he's not dead![br]His chair's back in the upright

0:51:31.389,0:51:32.154
No, he's not dead![br]His chair's back in the upright[br]position.

0:51:32.156,0:51:34.056
His chair's back in the upright[br]position.[br]His cock is still sitting up,

0:51:34.058,0:51:35.958
Position.[br]His cock is still sitting up,[br]majestically, covered in jizz

0:51:35.960,0:51:37.860
His cock is still sitting up,[br]majestically, covered in jizz[br]and spit.

0:51:37.862,0:51:39.428
Majestically, covered in jizz[br]and spit.[br]But for a man who an hour ago

0:51:39.430,0:51:41.030
And spit.[br]But for a man who an hour ago[br]couldn't lift his eyelids, he

0:51:41.032,0:51:44.600
But for a man who an hour ago[br]couldn't lift his eyelids, he[br]was sitting there like this.

0:51:44.602,0:51:47.603
Couldn't lift his eyelids, he[br]was sitting there like this.[br][ Applause ]

0:51:47.605,0:51:49.572
Was sitting there like this.[br][ Applause ][br]now, you might be wondering why

0:51:49.574,0:51:51.974
[ Applause ][br]now, you might be wondering why[br]his eyelids were up like that.

0:51:51.976,0:51:53.409
Now, you might be wondering why[br]his eyelids were up like that.[br]Let me explain something.

0:51:53.411,0:51:55.511
His eyelids were up like that.[br]Let me explain something.[br]It wasn't through happiness.

0:51:55.513,0:51:57.580
Let me explain something.[br]It wasn't through happiness.[br]Tell you something about myself.

0:51:57.582,0:51:58.814
It wasn't through happiness.[br]Tell you something about myself.[br]I'm 33 years old.

0:51:58.816,0:52:00.783
Tell you something about myself.[br]I'm 33 years old.[br]I've been masturbating since i

0:52:00.785,0:52:01.984
I'm 33 years old.[br]I've been masturbating since i[br]was 10 years old.

0:52:01.986,0:52:04.487
I've been masturbating since i[br]was 10 years old.[br]And in that time, i have not

0:52:04.489,0:52:06.489
Was 10 years old.[br]And in that time, i have not[br]missed a day.

0:52:06.491,0:52:08.757
And in that time, i have not[br]missed a day.[br]Every single day, i masturbate.

0:52:08.759,0:52:10.893
Missed a day.[br]Every single day, i masturbate.[br]Haven't missed a fucking day.

0:52:10.895,0:52:13.095
Every single day, i masturbate.[br]Haven't missed a fucking day.[br]Every day, i'm in a hotel room

0:52:13.097,0:52:15.364
Haven't missed a fucking day.[br]Every day, i'm in a hotel room[br]with a laptop way high up on my

0:52:15.366,0:52:17.633
Every day, i'm in a hotel room[br]with a laptop way high up on my[br]chest here, so i don't have to

0:52:17.635,0:52:19.101
With a laptop way high up on my[br]chest here, so i don't have to[br]look at the filth i'm doing to

0:52:19.103,0:52:19.702
Chest here, so i don't have to[br]look at the filth i'm doing to[br]myself.

0:52:19.704,0:52:21.804
Look at the filth i'm doing to[br]myself.[br]So, i'm watching porn here.

0:52:21.806,0:52:23.939
Myself.[br]So, i'm watching porn here.[br]And 9 times out of 10, i hit the

0:52:23.941,0:52:26.976
So, i'm watching porn here.[br]And 9 times out of 10, i hit the[br]apple sign, right?

0:52:26.978,0:52:28.277
And 9 times out of 10, i hit the[br]apple sign, right?[br][ Applause ]

0:52:28.279,0:52:30.312
Apple sign, right?[br][ Applause ][br]and i do this every single

0:52:30.314,0:52:31.413
[ Applause ][br]and i do this every single[br]fucking day.

0:52:31.415,0:52:33.782
And i do this every single[br]fucking day.[br]Yet i would be mortified if any

0:52:33.784,0:52:35.985
Fucking day.[br]Yet i would be mortified if any[br]one of you was to ever see me

0:52:35.987,0:52:37.052
Yet i would be mortified if any[br]one of you was to ever see me[br]doing this.

0:52:37.054,0:52:39.188
One of you was to ever see me[br]doing this.[br]I would want to fucking kill

0:52:39.190,0:52:39.989
Doing this.[br]I would want to fucking kill[br]myself.

0:52:39.991,0:52:43.159
I would want to fucking kill[br]myself.[br]And i do this every single

0:52:43.161,0:52:45.060
Myself.[br]And i do this every single[br]fucking day.

0:52:45.062,0:52:46.529
And i do this every single[br]fucking day.[br]Now, imagine if you've never

0:52:46.531,0:52:48.097
Fucking day.[br]Now, imagine if you've never[br]ejaculated through the power of

0:52:48.099,0:52:49.498
Now, imagine if you've never[br]ejaculated through the power of[br]yourself, you've never had

0:52:49.500,0:52:50.966
Ejaculated through the power of[br]yourself, you've never had[br]another person do it, you're

0:52:50.968,0:52:52.868
Yourself, you've never had[br]another person do it, you're[br]32 years old, and for the first

0:52:52.870,0:52:54.503
Another person do it, you're[br]32 years old, and for the first[br]time you've shot a load of

0:52:54.505,0:52:56.405
32 years old, and for the first[br]time you've shot a load of[br]fucking stale jizz all over the

0:52:56.407,0:52:58.807
Time you've shot a load of[br]fucking stale jizz all over the[br]fucking room and you're sitting

0:52:58.809,0:53:02.344
Fucking stale jizz all over the[br]fucking room and you're sitting[br]there with your cock out and 15

0:53:02.346,0:53:05.381
Fucking room and you're sitting[br]there with your cock out and 15[br]strangers walks in and you do

0:53:05.383,0:53:08.717
There with your cock out and 15[br]strangers walks in and you do[br]not possess the power to put

0:53:08.719,0:53:13.222
Strangers walks in and you do[br]not possess the power to put[br]your cock away.

0:53:13.224,0:53:15.224
Not possess the power to put[br]your cock away.[br]Can you see how that might be a

0:53:15.226,0:53:21.197
Your cock away.[br]Can you see how that might be a[br]bit unhinging?

0:53:21.199,0:53:22.598
Can you see how that might be a[br]bit unhinging?[br]So, we had to get him dressed

0:53:22.600,0:53:24.266
Bit unhinging?[br]So, we had to get him dressed[br]quickly.

0:53:24.268,0:53:27.036
So, we had to get him dressed[br]quickly.[br]But there's come everywhere.

0:53:27.038,0:53:29.038
Quickly.[br]But there's come everywhere.[br]And this time, i look him up and

0:53:29.040,0:53:29.605
But there's come everywhere.[br]And this time, i look him up and[br]down.

0:53:29.607,0:53:31.607
And this time, i look him up and[br]down.[br]And i turned to andrew and said,

0:53:31.609,0:53:33.609
Down.[br]And i turned to andrew and said,[br]"andrew, i don't give a fuck how

0:53:33.611,0:53:34.677
And i turned to andrew and said,[br]"andrew, i don't give a fuck how[br]fragile he is.

0:53:34.679,0:53:36.478
"Andrew, i don't give a fuck how[br]fragile he is.[br]I'm taking the top half this

0:53:36.480,0:53:38.380
Fragile he is.[br]I'm taking the top half this[br]time."

0:53:38.382,0:53:40.916
I'm taking the top half this[br]time."[br]And we lifted him up...

0:53:40.918,0:53:43.352
Time."[br]And we lifted him up...[br]and we put his pants on and we

0:53:43.354,0:53:45.754
And we lifted him up...[br]and we put his pants on and we[br]proceeded to leave the brothel.

0:53:45.756,0:53:48.691
And we put his pants on and we[br]proceeded to leave the brothel.[br]Now, as we left the brothel, i

0:53:48.693,0:53:49.358
Proceeded to leave the brothel.[br]Now, as we left the brothel, i[br]turned to dan.

0:53:49.360,0:53:51.961
Now, as we left the brothel, i[br]turned to dan.[br]I said, "dan, i paid for a

0:53:51.963,0:53:53.028
Turned to dan.[br]I said, "dan, i paid for a[br]story.

0:53:53.030,0:53:55.130
I said, "dan, i paid for a[br]story.[br]Please tell me what happened."

0:53:55.132,0:53:59.235
Story.[br]Please tell me what happened."[br]And he said, "well, she danced

0:53:59.237,0:54:01.770
Please tell me what happened."[br]And he said, "well, she danced[br]around a bit, rubbed her tits in

0:54:01.772,0:54:06.475
And he said, "well, she danced[br]around a bit, rubbed her tits in[br]my face, and sucked me off,"

0:54:06.477,0:54:07.743
Around a bit, rubbed her tits in[br]my face, and sucked me off,"[br]which is what i asked her to do.

0:54:07.745,0:54:09.612
My face, and sucked me off,"[br]which is what i asked her to do.[br]It's so nice to be a disabled

0:54:09.614,0:54:14.350
Which is what i asked her to do.[br]It's so nice to be a disabled[br]sex puppeteer.

0:54:14.352,0:54:16.118
It's so nice to be a disabled[br]sex puppeteer.[br]But even nicer than that --

0:54:16.120,0:54:18.020
Sex puppeteer.[br]But even nicer than that --[br]I used to have a preconceived

0:54:18.022,0:54:19.955
But even nicer than that --[br]I used to have a preconceived[br]notion on what i thought about

0:54:19.957,0:54:21.991
I used to have a preconceived[br]notion on what i thought about[br]people such as prostitutes, man,

0:54:21.993,0:54:23.726
Notion on what i thought about[br]people such as prostitutes, man,[br]but i was wrong.

0:54:23.728,0:54:25.527
People such as prostitutes, man,[br]but i was wrong.[br]That woman treated him with

0:54:25.529,0:54:27.663
But i was wrong.[br]That woman treated him with[br]dignity and respect and made him

0:54:27.665,0:54:29.765
That woman treated him with[br]dignity and respect and made him[br]feel like a sexual being for the

0:54:29.767,0:54:32.401
Dignity and respect and made him[br]feel like a sexual being for the[br]only time in his life.

0:54:32.403,0:54:33.636
Feel like a sexual being for the[br]only time in his life.[br]And you can't put a price on

0:54:33.638,0:54:36.538
Only time in his life.[br]And you can't put a price on[br]that, all right?

0:54:36.540,0:54:40.342
And you can't put a price on[br]that, all right?[br]Well, $180 is the -- The

0:54:40.344,0:54:42.311
That, all right?[br]Well, $180 is the -- The[br]exact -- The exact figure.

0:54:42.313,0:54:56.825
Then we go out front, and we go[br]to call a taxi, and the taxi[br]driver who drove us there is

0:54:56.827,0:54:58.560
To call a taxi, and the taxi[br]driver who drove us there is[br]still sitting out the front in

0:54:58.562,0:54:59.228
Driver who drove us there is[br]still sitting out the front in[br]his car.

0:54:59.230,0:55:01.030
Still sitting out the front in[br]his car.[br]And he winds his window down and

0:55:01.032,0:55:02.865
His car.[br]And he winds his window down and[br]looks out and goes, "i'll drive

0:55:02.867,0:55:04.033
And he winds his window down and[br]looks out and goes, "i'll drive[br]you home for free.

0:55:04.035,0:55:05.467
Looks out and goes, "i'll drive[br]you home for free.[br]I just need to know what

0:55:05.469,0:55:07.403
You home for free.[br]I just need to know what[br]happened."

0:55:07.405,0:55:09.004
I just need to know what[br]happened."[br]Thank you very much, ladies and

0:55:09.006,0:55:09.672
Happened."[br]Thank you very much, ladies and[br]gentlemen.

0:55:09.674,0:55:10.973
Thank you very much, ladies and[br]gentlemen.[br]Good night.

0:55:10.975,0:55:13.609
Gentlemen.[br]Good night.[br][ Cheers and applause ]

0:55:13.611,0:55:40.703
[ Rock music plays ]

0:55:40.705,0:55:52.715
[ Speaking indistinctly ]

0:55:52.717,0:56:05.861
Hey!

0:56:05.863,0:56:22.311
Hey![br]ś she's an natural mover

0:56:22.313,0:56:23.679
ś she's an natural mover[br]ś ah

0:56:23.681,0:56:26.081
ś ah[br]ś does it like a hoover

0:56:26.083,0:56:27.816
ś does it like a hoover[br]ś ah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

0:56:27.818,0:56:30.052
ś ah, yeah, yeah, yeah,[br]yeah ś