How to ask for help -- and get a "yes"

So asking for help
is basically the worst, right?

I've actually never seen it

on one of those top ten lists
of things people fear,

like public speaking

and death,

but I'm pretty sure
it actually belongs there.

Even though in many ways it's foolish
for us to be afraid to admit we need help,

whether it's from a loved one
or a friend or from a coworker

or even from a stranger,

somehow it always feel just a little bit

uncomfortable and embarrassing

to actually ask for help,

which is of course why most of us
try to avoid asking for help

whenever humanly possible.

My father was one
of those legions of fathers

who I swear would rather drive
through an alligator-infested swamp

than actually ask someone for help
getting back to the road.

When I was a kid,
we took a family vacation.

We drove from our home in South Jersey
to Colonial Williamsburg,

and I remember we got really badly lost,

and my mother and I pleaded with him

to please just pull over and ask someone
for directions back to the highway,

and he absolutely refused,

and in fact assured us
that we were not lost,

he had just always wanted to know
what was over here.

(Laughter)

So if we're going to ask for help,

and we have to,

we all do, practically every day,

the only way we're going to even
begin to get comfortable with it

is to get good at it,

to actually increases the chances
that when you ask for help from someone,

they're actually going to say yes,

and not only that, but they're going
to find it actually satisfying

and rewarding to help you,

because that way, they'll be motivated
to continue to help you into the future.

So research that I
and some of my colleagues have done

has shed a lot of light on why it is
that sometimes people say yes

to our requests for help

and why sometimes they say no.

Now let me just start by saying right now,

if you need help,

you are going to have to ask for it

out loud.

OK?

We all to some extent suffer
from something that psychologists call

the illusion of transparency,

basically the mistaken belief
that our thoughts and our feelings

and our needs are really obvious
to other people.

This is not true, but we believe it,

and so we just mostly stand around
waiting for someone to notice our needs

and then spontaneously offer
to help us with it.

This is a really, really bad assumption.

In fact, not only is it very difficult
to tell what your needs are,

but even the people close to you
often struggle to understand

how they can support you.

My partner has actually
had to adopt a habit

of asking me multiple times a day,

"Are you OK? Do you need anything?"

because I am so, so bad at signaling
when I need someone's help.

Now he is more patient than I deserve,

and much more proactive,
much more about helping

than any of us have any right
to expect other people to be.

So if you need help, you're going
to have to ask for it,

and by the way, even when someone
can tell that you need help,

how do they know that you want it?

Did you ever try to give unsolicited help
to someone who it turns out

did not actually want your help
in the first place?

They get nasty real quick, don't they.

The other day, true story,

my teenage daughter
was getting dressed for school

and I decided to give her
some unsolicited help about that.

I happen to think she looks amazing
in brighter colors.

She tends to prefer sort of darker,
more neutral tones,

and so I said, very helpfully,

that I thought maybe
she could go back upstairs

and try to find something
a little less somber.

(Laughter)

So if looks could kill,

I would not be standing here right now.

We really can't blame other people for not
just spontaneously offering to help us

when we don't actually know
that that's what is wanted.

In fact, actually, research shows
that 90 percent of the help

that coworkers give one another
in the workplace is in response

to explicit requests for help.

So you're going to have to say the words,

"I need your help."

Right? There's no getting around it.

Now, to be good at it,

to make sure that people actually do
help you when you ask for it,

there are a few other things
that are very helpful to keep in mind.

First thing: when you ask for help,

be very, very specific

about the help you want and why.

Vague, sort of indirect request for help

actually aren't very helpful
to the helper, right?

We don't actually know
what it is you want from us,

and, just as important,

we don't know whether or not
we can be successful

in giving you the help.

Nobody wants to give bad help.

Like me, you probably get
some of these requests

from perfectly pleasant
strangers on LinkedIn

who want to do things like

"get together over coffee and connect"

or "pick your brain."

I ignore these requests
literally every time,

and it's not that I'm not a nice person,

it's just that when I don't know
what it is you want from me,

like, the kind of help
you're hoping that can I provide,

I'm not interested.

Nobody is.

I'd have been much more interested
if they had just come out and said

whatever it is what they
were hoping to get from me,

because I'm pretty sure they had
something specific in mind.

So go ahead and say,

"I'm hoping to discuss opportunities
to work in your company,"

or, "I'd like to propose
a joint research project

in an area I know you're interested in,"

or, "I'd like your advice
on getting into medical school."

Technically I can't help you
with that last one,

because I'm not that kind of doctor,

but I could point you in the direction
of someone who could.

OK, so second tip,

this is really important:

please avoid disclaimers,
apologies, and bribes.

Really, really important.

So do any of these sound familiar?

I'm so, so sorry
that I have to ask you for this?

I really hate bothering you with this.

If I had any way of doing this
without your help, I would.

Sometimes it feels like people
are so eager to prove

that they're not weak and greedy
when they ask your for help,

they're completely missing out
on how uncomfortable

they're making you feel.

And by the way, how am I supposed
to find it satisfying to help you

if you really hated
having to ask me for help?

And while it is perfectly,
perfectly acceptable

to pay strangers to do things for you,

you need to be very, very careful
when it comes to incentivizing

your friends and coworkers.

When you have a relationship with someone,

helping one another is actually
a natural part of that relationship.

It's how we show one another that we care.

If you introduce incentives
or payments into that,

what can happen is it starts to feel
like it isn't a relationship,

it's a transaction,

and that actually
is experienced as distancing,

which ironically makes people
less likely to help you.

So a spontaneous gift

after someone gives you some help
to show your appreciation and gratitude,

perfectly fine.

An offer to pay your best friend
to help you move into your new apartment

is not.

OK, third rule,

and I really mean this one:

please do not ask for help

over email or text.

Really, seriously, please don't.

Email and text are impersonal,

and I realize sometimes
there's no alternative,

but mostly what happens is,

we like to ask for help
over email and text

because it feels less awkward
for us to do so.

You know what else feels
less awkward over email and text?

Telling you no.

And it turns out there's
research to support this.