[Script Info]
Title: 
[Events]
Format: Layer, Start, End, Style, Name, MarginL, MarginR, MarginV, Effect, Text
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So asking for help\Nis basically the worst, right?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I've actually never seen it
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,on one of those top ten lists\Nof things people fear,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like public speaking
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and death,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I'm pretty sure\Nit actually belongs there.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Even though in many ways it's foolish\Nfor us to be afraid to admit we need help,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whether it's from a loved one\Nor a friend or from a coworker
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or even from a stranger,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,somehow it always feel just a little bit
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,uncomfortable and embarrassing
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to actually ask for help,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which is of course why most of us\Ntry to avoid asking for help
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whenever humanly possible.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My father was one\Nof those legions of fathers
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who I swear would rather drive\Nthrough an alligator-infested swamp
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than actually ask someone for help\Ngetting back to the road.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When I was a kid,\Nwe took a family vacation.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We drove from our home in South Jersey\Nto Colonial Williamsburg,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I remember we got really badly lost,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and my mother and I pleaded with him
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to please just pull over and ask someone\Nfor directions back to the highway,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and he absolutely refused,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and in fact assured us\Nthat we were not lost,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,he had just always wanted to know\Nwhat was over here.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So if we're going to ask for help,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and we have to,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we all do, practically every day,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the only way we're going to even\Nbegin to get comfortable with it
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is to get good at it,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to actually increases the chances\Nthat when you ask for help from someone,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they're actually going to say yes,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and not only that, but they're going\Nto find it actually satisfying
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and rewarding to help you,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because that way, they'll be motivated\Nto continue to help you into the future.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So research that I\Nand some of my colleagues have done
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,has shed a lot of light on why it is\Nthat sometimes people say yes
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to our requests for help
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and why sometimes they say no.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now let me just start by saying right now,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you need help,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you are going to have to ask for it
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,out loud.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,OK?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We all to some extent suffer\Nfrom something that psychologists call
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,the illusion of transparency,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,basically the mistaken belief\Nthat our thoughts and our feelings
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and our needs are really obvious\Nto other people.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is not true, but we believe it,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and so we just mostly stand around\Nwaiting for someone to notice our needs
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and then spontaneously offer\Nto help us with it.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,This is a really, really bad assumption.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, not only is it very difficult\Nto tell what your needs are,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but even the people close to you\Noften struggle to understand
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how they can support you.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,My partner has actually\Nhad to adopt a habit
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,of asking me multiple times a day,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"Are you OK? Do you need anything?"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I am so, so bad at signaling\Nwhen I need someone's help.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now he is more patient than I deserve,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and much more proactive,\Nmuch more about helping
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,than any of us have any right\Nto expect other people to be.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So if you need help, you're going\Nto have to ask for it,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and by the way, even when someone\Ncan tell that you need help,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,how do they know that you want it?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Did you ever try to give unsolicited help\Nto someone who it turns out
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,did not actually want your help\Nin the first place?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,They get nasty real quick, don't they.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,The other day, true story,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,my teenage daughter\Nwas getting dressed for school
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I decided to give her\Nsome unsolicited help about that.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I happen to think she looks amazing\Nin brighter colors.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,She tends to prefer sort of darker,\Nmore neutral tones,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and so I said, very helpfully,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that I thought maybe\Nshe could go back upstairs
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and try to find something\Na little less somber.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,(Laughter)
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So if looks could kill,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I would not be standing here right now.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We really can't blame other people for not\Njust spontaneously offering to help us
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,when we don't actually know\Nthat that's what is wanted.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,In fact, actually, research shows\Nthat 90 percent of the help
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that coworkers give one another\Nin the workplace is in response
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to explicit requests for help.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So you're going to have to say the words,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I need your help."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Right? There's no getting around it.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Now, to be good at it,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to make sure that people actually do\Nhelp you when you ask for it,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,there are a few other things\Nthat are very helpful to keep in mind.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,First thing: when you ask for help,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,be very, very specific
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,about the help you want and why.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Vague, sort of indirect request for help
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,actually aren't very helpful\Nto the helper, right?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,We don't actually know\Nwhat it is you want from us,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and, just as important,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we don't know whether or not\Nwe can be successful
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in giving you the help.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nobody wants to give bad help.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Like me, you probably get\Nsome of these requests
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,from perfectly pleasant\Nstrangers on LinkedIn
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,who want to do things like
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"get together over coffee and connect"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or "pick your brain."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I ignore these requests\Nliterally every time,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and it's not that I'm not a nice person,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's just that when I don't know\Nwhat it is you want from me,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,like, the kind of help\Nyou're hoping that can I provide,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm not interested.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Nobody is.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'd have been much more interested\Nif they had just come out and said
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,whatever it is what they\Nwere hoping to get from me,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I'm pretty sure they had\Nsomething specific in mind.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So go ahead and say,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,"I'm hoping to discuss opportunities\Nto work in your company,"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or, "I'd like to propose\Na joint research project
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,in an area I know you're interested in,"
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,or, "I'd like your advice\Non getting into medical school."
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Technically I can't help you\Nwith that last one,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because I'm not that kind of doctor,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but I could point you in the direction\Nof someone who could.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,OK, so second tip,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,this is really important:
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,please avoid disclaimers,\Napologies, and bribes.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Really, really important.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So do any of these sound familiar?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I'm so, so sorry\Nthat I have to ask you for this?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,I really hate bothering you with this.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If I had any way of doing this\Nwithout your help, I would.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Sometimes it feels like people\Nare so eager to prove
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,that they're not weak and greedy\Nwhen they ask your for help,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they're completely missing out\Non how uncomfortable
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,they're making you feel.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And by the way, how am I supposed\Nto find it satisfying to help you
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,if you really hated\Nhaving to ask me for help?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And while it is perfectly,\Nperfectly acceptable
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,to pay strangers to do things for you,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,you need to be very, very careful\Nwhen it comes to incentivizing
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,your friends and coworkers.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,When you have a relationship with someone,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,helping one another is actually\Na natural part of that relationship.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,It's how we show one another that we care.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,If you introduce incentives\Nor payments into that,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,what can happen is it starts to feel\Nlike it isn't a relationship,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,it's a transaction,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and that actually\Nis experienced as distancing,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,which ironically makes people\Nless likely to help you.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,So a spontaneous gift
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,after someone gives you some help\Nto show your appreciation and gratitude,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,perfectly fine.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,An offer to pay your best friend\Nto help you move into your new apartment
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,is not.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,OK, third rule,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I really mean this one:
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,please do not ask for help
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,over email or text.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Really, seriously, please don't.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Email and text are impersonal,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,and I realize sometimes\Nthere's no alternative,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,but mostly what happens is,
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,we like to ask for help\Nover email and text
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,because it feels less awkward\Nfor us to do so.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,You know what else feels\Nless awkward over email and text?
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,Telling you no.
Dialogue: 0,9:59:59.99,9:59:59.99,Default,,0000,0000,0000,,And it turns out there's\Nresearch to support this.