WEBVTT

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
So asking for help
is basically the worst, right?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I've actually never seen it

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
on one of those top ten lists
of things people fear,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
like public speaking

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and death,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
but I'm pretty sure
it actually belongs there.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Even though in many ways it's foolish
for us to be afraid to admit we need help,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
whether it's from a loved one
or a friend or from a coworker

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
or even from a stranger,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
somehow it always feel just a little bit

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
uncomfortable and embarrassing

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
to actually ask for help,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
which is of course why most of us
try to avoid asking for help

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
whenever humanly possible.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
My father was one
of those legions of fathers

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
who I swear would rather drive
through an alligator-infested swamp

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
than actually ask someone for help
getting back to the road.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
When I was a kid,
we took a family vacation.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
We drove from our home in South Jersey
to Colonial Williamsburg,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and I remember we got really badly lost,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and my mother and I pleaded with him

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
to please just pull over and ask someone
for directions back to the highway,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and he absolutely refused,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and in fact assured us
that we were not lost,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
he had just always wanted to know
what was over here.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(Laughter)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
So if we're going to ask for help,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and we have to,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
we all do, practically every day,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
the only way we're going to even
begin to get comfortable with it

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
is to get good at it,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
to actually increases the chances
that when you ask for help from someone,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
they're actually going to say yes,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and not only that, but they're going
to find it actually satisfying

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and rewarding to help you,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
because that way, they'll be motivated
to continue to help you into the future.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
So research that I
and some of my colleagues have done

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
has shed a lot of light on why it is
that sometimes people say yes

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
to our requests for help

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and why sometimes they say no.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Now let me just start by saying right now,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
if you need help,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
you are going to have to ask for it

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
out loud.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
OK?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
We all to some extent suffer
from something that psychologists call

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
the illusion of transparency,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
basically the mistaken belief
that our thoughts and our feelings

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and our needs are really obvious
to other people.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
This is not true, but we believe it,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and so we just mostly stand around
waiting for someone to notice our needs

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and then spontaneously offer
to help us with it.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
This is a really, really bad assumption.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
In fact, not only is it very difficult
to tell what your needs are,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
but even the people close to you
often struggle to understand

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
how they can support you.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
My partner has actually
had to adopt a habit

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
of asking me multiple times a day,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"Are you OK? Do you need anything?"

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
because I am so, so bad at signaling
when I need someone's help.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Now he is more patient than I deserve,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and much more proactive,
much more about helping

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
than any of us have any right
to expect other people to be.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
So if you need help, you're going
to have to ask for it,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and by the way, even when someone
can tell that you need help,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
how do they know that you want it?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Did you ever try to give unsolicited help
to someone who it turns out

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
did not actually want your help
in the first place?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
They get nasty real quick, don't they.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
The other day, true story,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
my teenage daughter
was getting dressed for school

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and I decided to give her
some unsolicited help about that.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I happen to think she looks amazing
in brighter colors.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
She tends to prefer sort of darker,
more neutral tones,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and so I said, very helpfully,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
that I thought maybe
she could go back upstairs

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and try to find something
a little less somber.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
(Laughter)

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
So if looks could kill,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I would not be standing here right now.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
We really can't blame other people for not
just spontaneously offering to help us

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
when we don't actually know
that that's what is wanted.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
In fact, actually, research shows
that 90 percent of the help

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
that coworkers give one another
in the workplace is in response

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
to explicit requests for help.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
So you're going to have to say the words,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"I need your help."

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Right? There's no getting around it.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Now, to be good at it,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
to make sure that people actually do
help you when you ask for it,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
there are a few other things
that are very helpful to keep in mind.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
First thing: when you ask for help,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
be very, very specific

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
about the help you want and why.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Vague, sort of indirect request for help

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
actually aren't very helpful
to the helper, right?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
We don't actually know
what it is you want from us,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and, just as important,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
we don't know whether or not
we can be successful

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
in giving you the help.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Nobody wants to give bad help.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Like me, you probably get
some of these requests

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
from perfectly pleasant
strangers on LinkedIn

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
who want to do things like

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"get together over coffee and connect"

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
or "pick your brain."

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I ignore these requests
literally every time,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and it's not that I'm not a nice person,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
it's just that when I don't know
what it is you want from me,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
like, the kind of help
you're hoping that can I provide,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I'm not interested.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Nobody is.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I'd have been much more interested
if they had just come out and said

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
whatever it is what they
were hoping to get from me,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
because I'm pretty sure they had
something specific in mind.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
So go ahead and say,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
"I'm hoping to discuss opportunities
to work in your company,"

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
or, "I'd like to propose
a joint research project

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
in an area I know you're interested in,"

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
or, "I'd like your advice
on getting into medical school."

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Technically I can't help you
with that last one,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
because I'm not that kind of doctor,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
but I could point you in the direction
of someone who could.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
OK, so second tip,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
this is really important:

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
please avoid disclaimers,
apologies, and bribes.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Really, really important.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
So do any of these sound familiar?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I'm so, so sorry
that I have to ask you for this?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
I really hate bothering you with this.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
If I had any way of doing this
without your help, I would.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Sometimes it feels like people
are so eager to prove

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
that they're not weak and greedy
when they ask your for help,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
they're completely missing out
on how uncomfortable

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
they're making you feel.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And by the way, how am I supposed
to find it satisfying to help you

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
if you really hated
having to ask me for help?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And while it is perfectly,
perfectly acceptable

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
to pay strangers to do things for you,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
you need to be very, very careful
when it comes to incentivizing

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
your friends and coworkers.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
When you have a relationship with someone,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
helping one another is actually
a natural part of that relationship.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
It's how we show one another that we care.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
If you introduce incentives
or payments into that,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
what can happen is it starts to feel
like it isn't a relationship,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
it's a transaction,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and that actually
is experienced as distancing,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
which ironically makes people
less likely to help you.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
So a spontaneous gift

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
after someone gives you some help
to show your appreciation and gratitude,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
perfectly fine.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
An offer to pay your best friend
to help you move into your new apartment

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
is not.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
OK, third rule,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and I really mean this one:

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
please do not ask for help

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
over email or text.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Really, seriously, please don't.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Email and text are impersonal,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
and I realize sometimes
there's no alternative,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
but mostly what happens is,

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
we like to ask for help
over email and text

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
because it feels less awkward
for us to do so.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
You know what else feels
less awkward over email and text?

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
Telling you no.

99:59:59.999 --> 99:59:59.999
And it turns out there's
research to support this.