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So asking for help
is basically the worst, right?

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I've actually never seen it

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on one of those top ten lists
of things people fear,

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like public speaking

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and death,

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but I'm pretty sure
it actually belongs there.

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Even though in many ways it's foolish
for us to be afraid to admit we need help,

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whether it's from a loved one
or a friend or from a coworker

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or even from a stranger,

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somehow it always feel just a little bit

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uncomfortable and embarrassing

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to actually ask for help,

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which is of course why most of us
try to avoid asking for help

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whenever humanly possible.

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My father was one
of those legions of fathers

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who I swear would rather drive
through an alligator-infested swamp

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than actually ask someone for help
getting back to the road.

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When I was a kid,
we took a family vacation.

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We drove from our home in South Jersey
to Colonial Williamsburg,

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and I remember we got really badly lost,

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and my mother and I pleaded with him

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to please just pull over and ask someone
for directions back to the highway,

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and he absolutely refused,

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and in fact assured us
that we were not lost,

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he had just always wanted to know
what was over here.

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(Laughter)

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So if we're going to ask for help,

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and we have to,

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we all do, practically every day,

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the only way we're going to even
begin to get comfortable with it

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is to get good at it,

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to actually increases the chances
that when you ask for help from someone,

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they're actually going to say yes,

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and not only that, but they're going
to find it actually satisfying

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and rewarding to help you,

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because that way, they'll be motivated
to continue to help you into the future.

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So research that I
and some of my colleagues have done

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has shed a lot of light on why it is
that sometimes people say yes

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to our requests for help

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and why sometimes they say no.

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Now let me just start by saying right now,

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if you need help,

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you are going to have to ask for it

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out loud.

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OK?

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We all to some extent suffer
from something that psychologists call

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the illusion of transparency,

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basically the mistaken belief
that our thoughts and our feelings

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and our needs are really obvious
to other people.

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This is not true, but we believe it,

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and so we just mostly stand around
waiting for someone to notice our needs

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and then spontaneously offer
to help us with it.

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This is a really, really bad assumption.

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In fact, not only is it very difficult
to tell what your needs are,

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but even the people close to you
often struggle to understand

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how they can support you.

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My partner has actually
had to adopt a habit

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of asking me multiple times a day,

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"Are you OK? Do you need anything?"

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because I am so, so bad at signaling
when I need someone's help.

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Now he is more patient than I deserve,

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and much more proactive,
much more about helping

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than any of us have any right
to expect other people to be.

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So if you need help, you're going
to have to ask for it,

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and by the way, even when someone
can tell that you need help,

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how do they know that you want it?

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Did you ever try to give unsolicited help
to someone who it turns out

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did not actually want your help
in the first place?

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They get nasty real quick, don't they.

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The other day, true story,

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my teenage daughter
was getting dressed for school

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and I decided to give her
some unsolicited help about that.

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I happen to think she looks amazing
in brighter colors.

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She tends to prefer sort of darker,
more neutral tones,

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and so I said, very helpfully,

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that I thought maybe
she could go back upstairs

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and try to find something
a little less somber.

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(Laughter)

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So if looks could kill,

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I would not be standing here right now.

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We really can't blame other people for not
just spontaneously offering to help us

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when we don't actually know
that that's what is wanted.

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In fact, actually, research shows
that 90 percent of the help

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that coworkers give one another
in the workplace is in response

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to explicit requests for help.

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So you're going to have to say the words,

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"I need your help."

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Right? There's no getting around it.

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Now, to be good at it,

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to make sure that people actually do
help you when you ask for it,

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there are a few other things
that are very helpful to keep in mind.

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First thing: when you ask for help,

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be very, very specific

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about the help you want and why.

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Vague, sort of indirect request for help

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actually aren't very helpful
to the helper, right?

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We don't actually know
what it is you want from us,

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and, just as important,

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we don't know whether or not
we can be successful

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in giving you the help.

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Nobody wants to give bad help.

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Like me, you probably get
some of these requests

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from perfectly pleasant
strangers on LinkedIn

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who want to do things like

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"get together over coffee and connect"

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or "pick your brain."

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I ignore these requests
literally every time,

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and it's not that I'm not a nice person,

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it's just that when I don't know
what it is you want from me,

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like, the kind of help
you're hoping that can I provide,

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I'm not interested.

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Nobody is.

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I'd have been much more interested
if they had just come out and said

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whatever it is what they
were hoping to get from me,

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because I'm pretty sure they had
something specific in mind.

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So go ahead and say,

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"I'm hoping to discuss opportunities
to work in your company,"

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or, "I'd like to propose
a joint research project

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in an area I know you're interested in,"

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or, "I'd like your advice
on getting into medical school."

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Technically I can't help you
with that last one,

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because I'm not that kind of doctor,

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but I could point you in the direction
of someone who could.

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OK, so second tip,

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this is really important:

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please avoid disclaimers,
apologies, and bribes.

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Really, really important.

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So do any of these sound familiar?

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I'm so, so sorry
that I have to ask you for this?

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I really hate bothering you with this.

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If I had any way of doing this
without your help, I would.

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Sometimes it feels like people
are so eager to prove

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that they're not weak and greedy
when they ask your for help,

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they're completely missing out
on how uncomfortable

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they're making you feel.

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And by the way, how am I supposed
to find it satisfying to help you

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if you really hated
having to ask me for help?

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And while it is perfectly,
perfectly acceptable

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to pay strangers to do things for you,

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you need to be very, very careful
when it comes to incentivizing

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your friends and coworkers.

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When you have a relationship with someone,

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helping one another is actually
a natural part of that relationship.

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It's how we show one another that we care.

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If you introduce incentives
or payments into that,

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what can happen is it starts to feel
like it isn't a relationship,

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it's a transaction,

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and that actually
is experienced as distancing,

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which ironically makes people
less likely to help you.

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So a spontaneous gift

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after someone gives you some help
to show your appreciation and gratitude,

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perfectly fine.

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An offer to pay your best friend
to help you move into your new apartment

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is not.

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OK, third rule,

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and I really mean this one:

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please do not ask for help

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over email or text.

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Really, seriously, please don't.

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Email and text are impersonal,

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and I realize sometimes
there's no alternative,

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but mostly what happens is,

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we like to ask for help
over email and text

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because it feels less awkward
for us to do so.

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You know what else feels
less awkward over email and text?

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Telling you no.

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And it turns out there's
research to support this.