How to ask for help -- and get a "yes"

So asking for help
is basically the worst, right?

I've actually never seen it

on one of those top ten lists
of things people fear,

like public speaking

and death,

but I'm pretty sure
it actually belongs there.

Even though in many ways it's foolish
for us to be afraid to admit we need help,

whether it's from a loved one
or a friend or from a coworker

or even from a stranger,

somehow it always feel just a little bit

uncomfortable and embarrassing

to actually ask for help,

which is of course why most of us
try to avoid asking for help

whenever humanly possible.

My father was one
of those legions of fathers

who I swear would rather drive
through an alligator-infested swamp

than actually ask someone for help
getting back to the road.

When I was a kid,
we took a family vacation.

We drove from our home in South Jersey
to Colonial Williamsburg,

and I remember we got really badly lost,

and my mother and I pleaded with him

to please just pull over and ask someone
for directions back to the highway,

and he absolutely refused,

and in fact assured us
that we were not lost,

he had just always wanted to know
what was over here.

(Laughter)

So if we're going to ask for help,

and we have to,

we all do, practically every day,

the only way we're going to even
begin to get comfortable with it

is to get good at it,

to actually increases the chances
that when you ask for help from someone,

they're actually going to say yes,

and not only that, but they're going
to find it actually satisfying

and rewarding to help you,

because that way, they'll be motivated
to continue to help you into the future.

So research that I
and some of my colleagues have done

has shed a lot of light on why it is
that sometimes people say yes

to our requests for help

and why sometimes they say no.

Now let me just start by saying right now,

if you need help,

you are going to have to ask for it

out loud.

OK?

We all to some extent suffer
from something that psychologists call

the illusion of transparency,

basically the mistaken belief
that our thoughts and our feelings

and our needs are really obvious
to other people.

This is not true, but we believe it,

and so we just mostly stand around
waiting for someone to notice our needs

and then spontaneously offer
to help us with it.

This is a really, really bad assumption.

In fact, not only is it very difficult
to tell what your needs are,

but even the people close to you
often struggle to understand

how they can support you.

My partner has actually
had to adopt a habit

of asking me multiple times a day,

"Are you OK? Do you need anything?"

because I am so, so bad at signaling
when I need someone's help.

Now he is more patient than I deserve,

and much more proactive,
much more about helping

than any of us have any right
to expect other people to be.

So if you need help, you're going
to have to ask for it,

and by the way, even when someone
can tell that you need help,

how do they know that you want it?