9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So asking for help[br]is basically the worst, right?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
I've actually never seen it

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
on one of those top ten lists[br]of things people fear,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
like public speaking

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and death,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but I'm pretty sure[br]it actually belongs there.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Even though in many ways it's foolish[br]for us to be afraid to admit we need help,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
whether it's from a loved one[br]or a friend or from a coworker

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
or even from a stranger,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
somehow it always feel just a little bit

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
uncomfortable and embarrassing

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
to actually ask for help,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
which is of course why most of us[br]try to avoid asking for help

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
whenever humanly possible.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
My father was one[br]of those legions of fathers

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
who I swear would rather drive[br]through an alligator-infested swamp

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
than actually ask someone for help[br]getting back to the road.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
When I was a kid,[br]we took a family vacation.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
We drove from our home in South Jersey[br]to Colonial Williamsburg,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and I remember we got really badly lost,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and my mother and I pleaded with him

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
to please just pull over and ask someone[br]for directions back to the highway,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and he absolutely refused,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and in fact assured us[br]that we were not lost,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
he had just always wanted to know[br]what was over here.

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(Laughter)

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So if we're going to ask for help,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and we have to,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
we all do, practically every day,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
the only way we're going to even[br]begin to get comfortable with it

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
is to get good at it,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
to actually increases the chances[br]that when you ask for help from someone,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
they're actually going to say yes,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and not only that, but they're going[br]to find it actually satisfying

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and rewarding to help you,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
because that way, they'll be motivated[br]to continue to help you into the future.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So research that I[br]and some of my colleagues have done

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
has shed a lot of light on why it is[br]that sometimes people say yes

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
to our requests for help

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and why sometimes they say no.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Now let me just start by saying right now,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
if you need help,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
you are going to have to ask for it

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
out loud.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
OK?

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
We all to some extent suffer[br]from something that psychologists call

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
the illusion of transparency,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
basically the mistaken belief[br]that our thoughts and our feelings

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and our needs are really obvious[br]to other people.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
This is not true, but we believe it,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and so we just mostly stand around[br]waiting for someone to notice our needs

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and then spontaneously offer[br]to help us with it.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
This is a really, really bad assumption.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
In fact, not only is it very difficult[br]to tell what your needs are,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
but even the people close to you[br]often struggle to understand

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
how they can support you.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
My partner has actually[br]had to adopt a habit

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
of asking me multiple times a day,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
"Are you OK? Do you need anything?"

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
because I am so, so bad at signaling[br]when I need someone's help.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
Now he is more patient than I deserve,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and much more proactive,[br]much more about helping

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
than any of us have any right[br]to expect other people to be.

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
So if you need help, you're going[br]to have to ask for it,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
and by the way, even when someone[br]can tell that you need help,

9:59:59.000,9:59:59.000
how do they know that you want it?