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Your DNA does not define you | Carine McCandless | TEDxEmory

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    I'd like to thank Emory University
    for asking me here to speak today.
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    I'm really not here to give you a lecture,
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    I'm here to tell you a story.
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    The last time I was on this campus
    was almost 26 years ago.
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    I was here to watch my older brother,
    Chris, graduate with honors.
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    It was my first trip to the college.
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    I remember watching Chris
    stroll confidently across the quad lawn,
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    accepting his diploma on stage.
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    We were very close,
    and I was a good girl but I wasn't shy.
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    And Chris had made it very clear
    that he had absolutely zero interest
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    in keeping track of his little sister
    around college boys.
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    Of course, I had no idea
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    that trip to Emory would be the last time
    that I would see my brother alive.
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    (Sniffs)
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    Two years later, his body was found
    in an old abandoned bus
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    that had no engine,
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    yet it was miles and miles
    from the nearest road,
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    in the middle of the Alaskan wilderness.
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    He was only 24 years old.
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    There was a lot of mystery
    surrounding his death,
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    and that intrigued an avid outdoorsman
    and gifted writer named Jon Krakauer.
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    And the world came to know
    Chris's story as "Into the Wild,"
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    a powerful, best-selling book,
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    and later, a critically acclaimed film.
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    I knew the secrets that had caused
    much of the mystery.
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    I shared these with Jon in private,
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    yet I insisted that he keep
    these details out of his book -
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    the reasons for my brother's
    seemingly callous departure,
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    the answers to all of the questions.
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    Why did Chris leave the way he did?
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    Why did he feel the need
    to push himself to such extremes?
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    Why did he cut off
    all contact with his family?
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    Why was he so angry with his parents?
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    Chris was a great, big brother
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    and always my protector.
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    Our childhood home was far from peaceful -
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    domestic violence,
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    our father's gin-induced rages,
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    combined with constant lies
    and manipulations to keep secrets,
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    made it a confusing place to grow up
    and figure out who you were.
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    This picture was taken
    on a typical morning.
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    The violence had erupted
    over the breakfast table
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    and continued until our parents realized
    it was time for church.
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    It was Easter Sunday.
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    So, we were put
    into our best suit and dress
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    and marched into the backyard
    for pictures.
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    Look closely at our expressions.
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    If you didn't smile for the camera,
    threats ensued.
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    I'm compliant,
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    I've got my hand behind his back,
    trying to get him to cooperate.
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    Chris is only about six years old here,
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    but he refused to be part of the charade.
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    We went to church and sat in the Sunday
    school class that our parents taught,
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    and listened to them
    tell our friends stories about God
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    and to trust in him.
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    But when we got back home,
    behind closed doors,
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    we were told that our father was God,
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    and that meant nothing
    that he did could be wrong.
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    Our mother, usually through tears,
    after being released by our father,
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    told us that she had been trapped
    when she became pregnant with Chris.
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    We understood that she was suffering
    because of our existence.
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    Chris was three years older than me,
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    so he grew up every day
    with a lot of guilt in his young life.
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    (Sniffs)
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    That's a lot of pressure
    to put on the shoulders of a little boy.
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    Chris was drawn to nature
    from an early age.
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    He immersed himself in the peace,
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    the purity and honesty
    that those surroundings offered him.
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    Our parents introduced us
    to the Shenandoah mountains.
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    That was a great gift,
    and it was liberating.
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    The energy that was given
    to constant battles
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    gave way to paying attention
    to blaze marks on trees,
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    to finding a safe place
    to pitch a tent near a water source,
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    to collecting firewood before dark.
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    From a remarkably early age,
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    Chris had an incredible sense
    of his own identity,
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    of what was important to him in life,
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    and of his faith.
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    And he always said,
    nothing was more important than truth.
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    Our mother rarely raised her hands to us,
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    but she became a full partner
    in the mental cruelty
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    that was by far more damaging.
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    Her fear of the truth caused her
    to become an accomplice.
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    She'd given birth to Chris and me
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    while our dad was still married
    and having children with his first wife.
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    We knew our six brothers
    and sisters growing up,
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    and we spent time with them
    during summer breaks.
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    But as we got older
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    and began to ask our parents
    the tough questions
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    about our family history,
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    about our other siblings
    and why our ages were intermixed,
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    we were told one tall tale after another
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    about how that history had been woven,
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    and the web grew larger and more daunting
    with every passing year.
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    As Chris grew up,
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    his ventures into the solace of nature
    became more frequent,
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    and he preferred to spend that time alone.
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    So it came as no surprise
    when he quietly informed me
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    that soon after college,
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    he would be divorcing himself
    from our parents
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    and heading west,
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    to experience life raw and real.
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    These were the days before emails
    and text messages and iPhones,
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    but being out of contact
    didn't concern me;
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    Chris was strong and he was good
    at everything he tried to do.
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    He was intelligent,
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    he was confident,
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    but he didn't have a big ego.
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    I knew in my heart that my protector
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    would never get himself into any situation
    that he couldn't handle.
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    On September 17th, 1992,
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    I had to come to grips
    with the unimaginable.
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    Through a series of unfortunate missteps,
    Chris's life was cut short.
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    He'd promised
    that he'd come back to find me,
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    and he was always true to his word.
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    Being told that Chris was gone forever
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    was like being told that there
    was no longer oxygen in the air.
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    I'd also separated from my parents,
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    and I still felt this duty
    to remain compliant to them.
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    (Sniffs)
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    It should have been
    the right thing to do -
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    keeping quiet,
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    protecting my parents,
    protecting my family.
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    Yet in truth, what I'd done
    is perpetuate these same lies
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    that caused Chris
    to leave in the first place,
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    and I'd given my parents the opportunity
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    to not have to face the truth
    nor learn from it.
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    (Sighs)
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    For years and years,
    since Jon Krakauer's book was published,
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    I received these impassioned letters
    from people all over the world.
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    I never expected Chris's story
    to touch so many people
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    and affect them so deeply.
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    Jon's book eventually
    was published in over 60 countries
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    and translated
    into more than 30 languages.
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    About a decade later,
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    during the production
    of the "Into the Wild" movie,
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    one of my other siblings
    sent me this quote
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    by artist and poet Kristen Jongen.
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    It reads, "Perhaps strength doesn't reside
    in having never been broken,
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    but in the courage required
    to grow strong in the broken places."
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    I don't speak for my other siblings,
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    but this quote always
    makes me think about them
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    and their mom who was strong
    enough to save them.
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    So I had a lot of time to think
    about the consequences of my silence.
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    As Chris went into nature
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    and sought out his life lessons
    away from human relationships,
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    I found mine by choosing bad ones,
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    and I was good at it.
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    When I was 18, I'd left home,
    and I married my new boyfriend.
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    He was a sweet guy in his mid-20s,
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    worldly, smart, hard working -
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    he promised to take care of me.
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    Two weeks after our tiny
    justice of the peace ceremony,
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    he started to beat me.
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    I never saw it coming.
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    With him I had financial security,
    a place to stay.
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    I told my friends that he was great,
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    that everything was great.
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    But after a few months,
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    I decided I wasn't going to make
    my mother's mistakes.
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    With careful planning,
    I made my second escape.
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    I moved to a different city.
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    I took business and accounting classes
    at the local colleges
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    while I was working full time,
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    and two years later,
    I started my first company.
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    It hasn't been easy,
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    but I have been successfully
    self-employed ever since.
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    During that time,
    a lot more lessons came and went -
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    important lessons of strength
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    that I don't have time
    to flesh out here today.
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    But having to rely only on myself -
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    it was empowering and comfortable.
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    Now during this time
    of Carine's great independence,
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    along came the greatest lesson:
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    that of unconditional love.
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    A 2-year-old little girl
    came into my life.
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    Her biological mother
    eventually abandoned her.
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    And this little girl needed a mom.
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    That was pretty much my reaction.
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    (Laughter)
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    Me? No.
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    Now, I had explored a lot of trails
    in a short amount of time,
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    but I never planned to go down that one.
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    I was absolutely petrified
    about being a mom.
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    I was afraid I'd be abusive.
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    I was worried that the behavior
    that I'd witnessed as a child
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    was bred inside of me,
    deep down in my DNA,
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    just waiting for the opportunity
    to show itself.
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    But then in steps faith,
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    and this overwhelming feeling
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    that somehow moving in a scary
    direction is the right direction.
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    And I thought about Chris
    and how he'd told me
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    that the greatest experiences
    are usually waiting for us
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    far outside of our comfort zone.
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    This is my daughter, Heather.
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    I know, who can say, "No,"
    to that face, right?
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    (Laughter)
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    She has been the greatest opportunity
    that has ever come into my life.
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    She taught me that I can be a mother,
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    and I'm proud to say, I'm a good one.
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    I can be a tough disciplinarian,
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    but always a peaceful one.
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    She knows every single day,
    every second of every day,
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    that I love her.
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    So a few more years go by,
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    and my new husband and I decide
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    that we're going
    to expand our little family.
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    And nine months later,
    out popped this little cutie.
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    (Laughter)
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    She didn't exactly pop out,
    she was nine pounds.
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    (Laughter)
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    Yeah. Ouch.
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    (Laughter)
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    Whew!
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    Don't be afraid if you haven't
    had children; it's worth it.
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    So we were fortunate enough
    to have another daughter.
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    We named her Christiana after my brother.
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    Soon after Christiana's born,
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    they whisk her off
    to weigh her and clean her up,
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    a little quicker
    than I expected they would,
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    and a few people start
    entering the room, family members,
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    and my little Heather,
    who was one month shy of turning seven.
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    A few minutes later,
    a nurse comes into the room
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    that I had never seen before.
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    She asked someone
    to take Heather out of the room.
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    Heather looked over at me and I said,
    "No, she can stay. What's wrong?"
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    That's when we learned
    that Christiana has Down syndrome.
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    I was in shock.
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    I had had no complications
    during my pregnancy.
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    I was super healthy;
    I thought I'd done everything right.
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    The doctor proceeded to explain
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    that it happens
    at the point of conception.
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    It's part of her DNA.
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    (Sniffs)
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    So again, I was in shock,
    and the nurse proceeded to tell us
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    that Christiana was being taken to the ICU
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    because she probably
    had gastrointestinal disorders,
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    and heart problems, and-
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    at this point, for me,
    everything for me was a blur.
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    I looked around the room, to my husband,
    to family members for strength.
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    Everyone's staring at the ground;
    no one knows what to say or do,
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    except for, who do you think?
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    (Laughter)
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    Heather.
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    All these years, I'm thinking
    I have to be this rock
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    for this little girl with a troubled past.
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    And she walks over to me
    and takes my hand, and she says,
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    "Don't worry mommy,
    she's going to be just fine
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    because you're going
    to take great care of her
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    just like you take care of me."
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    Heather saved me.
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    And she's been a great little helper.
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    Having a special needs child
    certainly has its challenges,
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    but it's well worth the extra efforts
    and let me tell you,
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    she really is too cool.
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    I take total credit for that hair-do.
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    (Laughter)
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    Heather was right,
    Christiana's doing just fine.
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    She's happy, she's healthy,
    she's very high functioning.
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    She's got some delays, of course, but,
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    she has the right name
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    because she has her uncle's strong spirit.
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    As I've watched my girls grow up,
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    they remind me of Chris and me.
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    I can sense that Heather
    will always be Christiana's protector.
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    (Hmm)
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    Hmm, God, it just gets to me still.
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    (Sniffs)
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    She'll always be her protector,
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    and I know that they're always
    going to have each other's back.
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    Now, about this time,
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    my relationship with my own parents
    had all but disintegrated.
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    They didn't do everything wrong,
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    and in some ways Chris and I
    had a privileged upbringing.
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    They absolutely deserve empathy
    for losing their son.
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    They're humans and they made mistakes.
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    We all make mistakes.
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    But I've come to learn what matters most
    is that we learn from our mistakes.
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    And you have to remain cautious
    around those who don't.
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    At all costs, you must protect
    your own children.
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    All of my siblings, in our own time,
    and for our own reasons,
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    have come to our final breaks
    with our father and my mother.
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    (Sighs)
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    About, not long after that,
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    when Christiana started
    a full-day school program,
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    I started accepting invitations where
    "Into the Wild" was required reading.
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    It had become required reading
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    at about 3,000 high schools
    and colleges around the country.
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    It was an opportunity
    for forced reflection.
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    I began to understand what a disservice
    I had done to my brother.
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    I had insisted that certain blanks
    be left in Chris's public story.
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    People, understandably, inserted
    their own answers into those blanks,
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    that Chris was mentally ill,
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    that he was just
    another rebellious teenager
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    whose story had been
    romanticized by the media,
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    that he was suicidal.
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    None of these assumptions were the truth.
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    And when I gave the honest answers
    to the students I spoke with,
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    safe inside the intimate walls
    of the classroom,
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    I saw the incredible impact
    it had on them.
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    The personal perspective
    I was able to provide,
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    took Chris beyond
    that literary legend he'd become,
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    and it made him more relatable.
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    Now I understood that teachers
    didn't assign "Into the Wild"
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    so their students would
    get a better understanding of Chris,
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    it was so they would achieve
    a greater understanding of themselves.
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    Listening to their questions,
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    I understood that these students
    are at this age of opportunity
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    where they're deciding who they are.
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    They're choosing the paths
    that will determine who they will become.
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    As I listen to their questions,
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    I realize that my brother's story
    was no longer just an assignment,
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    it became a real lesson
    that they would take with them
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    far beyond that campus,
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    into their lives as leaders and lawmakers,
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    and husbands and wives, and partners,
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    and most importantly, as parents.
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    And I saw that they learned far more
    from what makes Chris human,
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    than from what had made him iconic.
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    I decided that it was time
    for me to be accountable
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    for all that had remained unsaid,
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    to tell my story,
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    to tell the whole story.
  • 20:24 - 20:28
    Since we were kids,
    Chris had always taught me to journal,
  • 20:28 - 20:31
    and after three years of very hard work,
  • 20:31 - 20:33
    those journals turned into a book.
  • 20:35 - 20:38
    Which is fair to say was far more painful
    than the nine-pound baby.
  • 20:40 - 20:41
    (Sniffs)
  • 20:41 - 20:43
    When I first began writing
    "The Wild Truth,"
  • 20:43 - 20:45
    I did so with students in mind.
  • 20:45 - 20:47
    I hadn't really intended for it
  • 20:47 - 20:49
    to start a new conversation
    about domestic violence,
  • 20:49 - 20:54
    but taking a second look at Chris's story
  • 20:54 - 20:57
    caused people to take a closer look
  • 20:57 - 21:00
    at the stories
    within their own communities.
  • 21:00 - 21:04
    Not long after my book was published,
    I got a letter from a friend from church.
  • 21:06 - 21:08
    Her name's Catherine Miklos,
  • 21:08 - 21:10
    and in her letter she noted,
  • 21:10 - 21:14
    "The power of abuse is in the silence
    its perpetrators demand.
  • 21:14 - 21:19
    The cycle is broken by diminishing
    that power through exposure."
  • 21:20 - 21:23
    I haven't left one school, not one school,
  • 21:23 - 21:26
    where at least one student
    didn't come up to me
  • 21:26 - 21:31
    to talk about their own experiences
    and reach out for help for the first time.
  • 21:32 - 21:35
    It made me think how Chris's story
    might have been different
  • 21:35 - 21:38
    if someone had spoken openly to us.
  • 21:40 - 21:41
    Sometimes people talk about
  • 21:41 - 21:44
    whether Chris's life
    can be considered a success,
  • 21:44 - 21:45
    because he died so young.
  • 21:46 - 21:50
    I say they need to ask themselves
    if life is more about quality...
  • 21:51 - 21:52
    or quantity.
  • 21:53 - 21:55
    One of the greatest things
    you can hope to do in this life
  • 21:55 - 21:57
    is to inspire someone,
  • 21:57 - 22:01
    and Chris has done that
    for so many people, even without intent.
  • 22:01 - 22:04
    Now in the days of social media,
  • 22:04 - 22:08
    I receive constant messages
    from incredibly diverse people
  • 22:08 - 22:12
    telling me how Chris has inspired them
  • 22:12 - 22:15
    to make positive changes
    in their own lives.
  • 22:17 - 22:20
    I think that life is like a book.
  • 22:21 - 22:25
    Now, unless someone
    invents the cure for mortality,
  • 22:25 - 22:27
    we all have the same first
    and last chapter.
  • 22:29 - 22:34
    What makes up the story of our lives
    and the legacy that we will leave behind
  • 22:34 - 22:36
    are the pages in between.
  • 22:37 - 22:43
    Now for me, serious thoughts about legacy
    have little to do with famous stories,
  • 22:43 - 22:44
    books or movies.
  • 22:46 - 22:49
    It has everything to do
    with these two little girls,
  • 22:49 - 22:52
    although I guess I can't really
    call them little any more.
  • 22:52 - 22:55
    Heather's now 16 and Christiana is nine.
  • 22:56 - 22:59
    Both their lives had a rocky start.
  • 22:59 - 23:02
    And I know they'll each have
    their own adversities to overcome.
  • 23:02 - 23:06
    But I want to empower them
    to stay on their own true paths,
  • 23:06 - 23:08
    even when the walking becomes rough.
  • 23:09 - 23:11
    What I have to teach them,
  • 23:12 - 23:15
    what I have to show them
    through my own actions,
  • 23:15 - 23:18
    is that their DNA will not define them.
  • 23:20 - 23:26
    In closing, I'd like to read
    a short excerpt from "Into the Wild,"
  • 23:26 - 23:28
    where Jon Krakauer
  • 23:29 - 23:32
    describes one of the last things
    Chris does before he dies.
  • 23:34 - 23:38
    "He tore the final page
    from Louis L'Amour's memoir,
  • 23:38 - 23:40
    'Education of a Wandering Man.'
  • 23:41 - 23:44
    On one side of the page were
    some lines L'Amour had quoted
  • 23:44 - 23:48
    from Robinson Jeffers' poem,
    'Wise Men in Their Bad Hours.'
  • 23:49 - 23:53
    'Death's a fierce meadowlark:
    but to die having made
  • 23:53 - 23:55
    Something more equal to the centuries
  • 23:55 - 23:59
    Than muscle and bone,
    is mostly to shed weakness.
  • 23:59 - 24:04
    The mountains are dead stone, the people
    Admire or hate their stature,
  • 24:04 - 24:06
    their insolent quietness,
  • 24:07 - 24:09
    The mountains are not softened or troubled
  • 24:09 - 24:13
    And a few dead men's thoughts
    have the same temper.'
  • 24:14 - 24:17
    On the other side of the page,
    which was blank
  • 24:17 - 24:19
    McCandless penned a brief adios:
  • 24:20 - 24:22
    'I've had a happy life,
    and thank the lord.
  • 24:23 - 24:26
    Good bye, and may God bless all.'"
  • 24:27 - 24:29
    Jon Krakauer continues,
  • 24:30 - 24:34
    "One of his last acts
    was to take a picture of himself
  • 24:34 - 24:37
    standing near the bus
    under the high Alaska sky,
  • 24:38 - 24:41
    one hand holding his final note
    toward the camera lens,
  • 24:41 - 24:44
    the other raised
    in a brave beatific farewell.
  • 24:45 - 24:49
    His face is horribly
    emaciated, almost skeletal.
  • 24:50 - 24:53
    But if he pitied himself
    in those last difficult hours,
  • 24:54 - 24:56
    because he was so young,
  • 24:56 - 24:58
    because he was alone,
  • 24:58 - 25:01
    because his body had betrayed him
    and his will had let him down,
  • 25:02 - 25:04
    it's not apparent from the photograph.
  • 25:04 - 25:06
    He is smiling in the picture,
  • 25:07 - 25:09
    and there is no mistaking
    the look in his eyes.
  • 25:10 - 25:12
    Chris McCandless was at peace,
  • 25:13 - 25:16
    serene as a monk, gone to God."
  • 25:18 - 25:23
    Now, it's impossible for me
    to look at that picture Jon talks about
  • 25:24 - 25:25
    without crying,
  • 25:25 - 25:27
    but in a way it's a good pain.
  • 25:29 - 25:32
    I know that Chris died at peace
  • 25:32 - 25:34
    because of the paths
    that he had chosen in life
  • 25:34 - 25:36
    that kept him true to himself.
  • 25:36 - 25:39
    And in the end, whenever that end comes,
  • 25:40 - 25:42
    isn't that the best
    that any of us can hope for?
  • 25:44 - 25:46
    Chris achieved eternal life
  • 25:46 - 25:49
    certainly through the written pages
    of "Into the Wild,"
  • 25:50 - 25:53
    but more importantly,
    through his own faith.
  • 25:53 - 25:57
    He loved life more
    than anyone I have ever known,
  • 25:57 - 25:59
    and he wanted to have a long one,
  • 26:01 - 26:04
    but his main concern
    was that it be purposeful.
  • 26:06 - 26:09
    My brother's story is globally known,
  • 26:09 - 26:11
    not because he died,
  • 26:11 - 26:14
    but because he truly lived.
  • 26:16 - 26:20
    And he lives on in the lessons.
  • 26:21 - 26:22
    Thank you.
  • 26:22 - 26:26
    (Applause)
Title:
Your DNA does not define you | Carine McCandless | TEDxEmory
Description:

Best-selling author Carine McCandless shares the power of bringing your life into focus and living your truth; lessons she learned from her brother, Chris McCandless, subject of the iconic book & movie Into the Wild.

Carine McCandless is the author of the New York Times Bestseller The Wild Truth, a memoir of her life. She is also an accomplished self-employed entrepreneur, social activist and mother. In addition, she has worked alongside Sean Penn and Jon Krakauer in providing valuable insight in telling the story of her brother and literary icon, Chris McCandless, a.k.a. Alexander Supertramp. She has also been interviewed by several literary publications including Outside Magazine, The New Yorker, Newsweek, People, Good Housekeeping, The Los Angeles Times and several international publications. Carine has also made guest appearances on TV broadcasts such as PBS, MSNBC, The Oprah Winfrey Show, CBS Sunday Morning, ABC News' 20/20, and several national and international radio shows.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

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Video Language:
English
Team:
closed TED
Project:
TEDxTalks
Duration:
26:39
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    Thank you!
    Camille

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