WEBVTT

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I'd like to thank Emory University
for asking me here to speak today.

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I'm really not here to give you a lecture,

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I'm here to tell you a story.

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The last time I was on this campus
was almost 26 years ago.

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I was here to watch my older brother,
Chris, graduate with honors.

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It was my first trip to the college.

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I remember watching Chris
stroll confidently across the quad lawn,

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accepting his diploma on stage.

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We were very close,
and I was a good girl but I wasn't shy.

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And Chris had made it very clear
that he had absolutely zero interest

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in keeping track of his little sister
around college boys.

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Of course, I had no idea

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that trip to Emory would be the last time
that I would see my brother alive.

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(Sniffs)

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Two years later, his body was found
in an old abandoned bus

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that had no engine,

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yet it was miles and miles
from the nearest road,

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in the middle of the Alaskan wilderness.

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He was only 24 years old.

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There was a lot of mystery
surrounding his death,

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and that intrigued an avid outdoorsman
and gifted writer named Jon Krakauer.

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And the world came to know
Chris's story as "Into the Wild,"

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a powerful, best-selling book,

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and later, a critically acclaimed film.

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I knew the secrets that had caused
much of the mystery.

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I shared these with Jon in private,

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yet I insisted that he keep
these details out of his book -

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the reasons for my brother's
seemingly callous departure,

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the answers to all of the questions.

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Why did Chris leave the way he did?

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Why did he feel the need
to push himself to such extremes?

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Why did he cut off
all contact with his family?

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Why was he so angry with his parents?

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Chris was a great, big brother

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and always my protector.

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Our childhood home was far from peaceful -

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domestic violence,

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our father's gin-induced rages,

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combined with constant lies
and manipulations to keep secrets,

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made it a confusing place to grow up
and figure out who you were.

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This picture was taken
on a typical morning.

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The violence had erupted
over the breakfast table

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and continued until our parents realized
it was time for church.

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It was Easter Sunday.

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So, we were put
into our best suit and dress

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and marched into the backyard
for pictures.

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Look closely at our expressions.

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If you didn't smile for the camera,
threats ensued.

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I'm compliant,

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I've got my hand behind his back,
trying to get him to cooperate.

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Chris is only about six years old here,

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but he refused to be part of the charade.

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We went to church and sat in the Sunday
school class that our parents taught,

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and listened to them
tell our friends stories about God

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and to trust in him.

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But when we got back home,
behind closed doors,

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we were told that our father was God,

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and that meant nothing
that he did could be wrong.

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Our mother, usually through tears,
after being released by our father,

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told us that she had been trapped
when she became pregnant with Chris.

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We understood that she was suffering
because of our existence.

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Chris was three years older than me,

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so he grew up every day
with a lot of guilt in his young life.

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(Sniffs)

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That's a lot of pressure
to put on the shoulders of a little boy.

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Chris was drawn to nature
from an early age.

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He immersed himself in the peace,

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the purity and honesty
that those surroundings offered him.

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Our parents introduced us
to the Shenandoah mountains.

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That was a great gift,
and it was liberating.

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The energy that was given
to constant battles

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gave way to paying attention
to blaze marks on trees,

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to finding a safe place
to pitch a tent near a water source,

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to collecting firewood before dark.

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From a remarkably early age,

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Chris had an incredible sense
of his own identity,

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of what was important to him in life,

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and of his faith.

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And he always said,
nothing was more important than truth.

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Our mother rarely raised her hands to us,

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but she became a full partner
in the mental cruelty

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that was by far more damaging.

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Her fear of the truth caused her
to become an accomplice.

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She'd given birth to Chris and me

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while our dad was still married
and having children with his first wife.

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We knew our six brothers
and sisters growing up,

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and we spent time with them
during summer breaks.

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But as we got older

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and began to ask our parents
the tough questions

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about our family history,

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about our other siblings
and why our ages were intermixed,

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we were told one tall tale after another

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about how that history had been woven,

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and the web grew larger and more daunting
with every passing year.

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As Chris grew up,

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his ventures into the solace of nature
became more frequent,

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and he preferred to spend that time alone.

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So it came as no surprise
when he quietly informed me

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that soon after college,

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he would be divorcing himself
from our parents

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and heading west,

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to experience life raw and real.

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These were the days before emails
and text messages and iPhones,

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but being out of contact
didn't concern me;

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Chris was strong and he was good
at everything he tried to do.

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He was intelligent,

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he was confident,

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but he didn't have a big ego.

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I knew in my heart that my protector

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would never get himself into any situation
that he couldn't handle.

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On September 17th, 1992,

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I had to come to grips
with the unimaginable.

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Through a series of unfortunate missteps,
Chris's life was cut short.

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He'd promised
that he'd come back to find me,

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and he was always true to his word.

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Being told that Chris was gone forever

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was like being told that there
was no longer oxygen in the air.

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I'd also separated from my parents,

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and I still felt this duty
to remain compliant to them.

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(Sniffs)

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It should have been
the right thing to do -

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keeping quiet,

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protecting my parents,
protecting my family.

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Yet in truth, what I'd done
is perpetuate these same lies

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that caused Chris
to leave in the first place,

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and I'd given my parents the opportunity

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to not have to face the truth
nor learn from it.

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(Sighs)

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For years and years,
since Jon Krakauer's book was published,

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I received these impassioned letters
from people all over the world.

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I never expected Chris's story
to touch so many people

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and affect them so deeply.

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Jon's book eventually
was published in over 60 countries

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and translated
into more than 30 languages.

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About a decade later,

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during the production
of the "Into the Wild" movie,

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one of my other siblings
sent me this quote

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by artist and poet Kristen Jongen.

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It reads, "Perhaps strength doesn't reside
in having never been broken,

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but in the courage required
to grow strong in the broken places."

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I don't speak for my other siblings,

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but this quote always
makes me think about them

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and their mom who was strong
enough to save them.

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So I had a lot of time to think
about the consequences of my silence.

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As Chris went into nature

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and sought out his life lessons
away from human relationships,

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I found mine by choosing bad ones,

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and I was good at it.

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When I was 18, I'd left home,
and I married my new boyfriend.

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He was a sweet guy in his mid-20s,

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worldly, smart, hard working -

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he promised to take care of me.

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Two weeks after our tiny
justice of the peace ceremony,

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he started to beat me.

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I never saw it coming.

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With him I had financial security,
a place to stay.

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I told my friends that he was great,

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that everything was great.

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But after a few months,

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I decided I wasn't going to make
my mother's mistakes.

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With careful planning,
I made my second escape.

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I moved to a different city.

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I took business and accounting classes
at the local colleges

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while I was working full time,

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and two years later,
I started my first company.

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It hasn't been easy,

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but I have been successfully
self-employed ever since.

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During that time,
a lot more lessons came and went -

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important lessons of strength

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that I don't have time
to flesh out here today.

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But having to rely only on myself -

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it was empowering and comfortable.

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Now during this time
of Carine's great independence,

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along came the greatest lesson:

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that of unconditional love.

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A 2-year-old little girl
came into my life.

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Her biological mother
eventually abandoned her.

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And this little girl needed a mom.

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That was pretty much my reaction.

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(Laughter)

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Me? No.

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Now, I had explored a lot of trails
in a short amount of time,

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but I never planned to go down that one.

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I was absolutely petrified
about being a mom.

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I was afraid I'd be abusive.

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I was worried that the behavior
that I'd witnessed as a child

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was bred inside of me,
deep down in my DNA,

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just waiting for the opportunity
to show itself.

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But then in steps faith,

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and this overwhelming feeling

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that somehow moving in a scary
direction is the right direction.

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And I thought about Chris
and how he'd told me

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that the greatest experiences
are usually waiting for us

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far outside of our comfort zone.

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This is my daughter, Heather.

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I know, who can say, "No,"
to that face, right?

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(Laughter)

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She has been the greatest opportunity
that has ever come into my life.

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She taught me that I can be a mother,

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and I'm proud to say, I'm a good one.

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I can be a tough disciplinarian,

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but always a peaceful one.

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She knows every single day,
every second of every day,

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that I love her.

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So a few more years go by,

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and my new husband and I decide

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that we're going
to expand our little family.

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And nine months later,
out popped this little cutie.

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(Laughter)

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She didn't exactly pop out,
she was nine pounds.

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(Laughter)

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Yeah. Ouch.

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(Laughter)

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Whew!

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Don't be afraid if you haven't
had children; it's worth it.

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So we were fortunate enough
to have another daughter.

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We named her Christiana after my brother.

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Soon after Christiana's born,

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they whisk her off
to weigh her and clean her up,

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a little quicker
than I expected they would,

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and a few people start
entering the room, family members,

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and my little Heather,
who was one month shy of turning seven.

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A few minutes later,
a nurse comes into the room

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that I had never seen before.

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She asked someone
to take Heather out of the room.

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Heather looked over at me and I said,
"No, she can stay. What's wrong?"

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That's when we learned
that Christiana has Down syndrome.

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I was in shock.

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I had had no complications
during my pregnancy.

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I was super healthy;
I thought I'd done everything right.

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The doctor proceeded to explain

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that it happens
at the point of conception.

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It's part of her DNA.

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(Sniffs)

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So again, I was in shock,
and the nurse proceeded to tell us

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that Christiana was being taken to the ICU

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because she probably
had gastrointestinal disorders,

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and heart problems, and-

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at this point, for me,
everything for me was a blur.

00:15:19.606 --> 00:15:23.040
I looked around the room, to my husband,
to family members for strength.

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Everyone's staring at the ground;
no one knows what to say or do,

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except for, who do you think?

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(Laughter)

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Heather.

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All these years, I'm thinking
I have to be this rock

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for this little girl with a troubled past.

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And she walks over to me
and takes my hand, and she says,

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"Don't worry mommy,
she's going to be just fine

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because you're going
to take great care of her

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just like you take care of me."

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Heather saved me.

00:15:55.724 --> 00:15:57.610
And she's been a great little helper.

00:15:59.663 --> 00:16:03.860
Having a special needs child
certainly has its challenges,

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but it's well worth the extra efforts
and let me tell you,

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she really is too cool.

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I take total credit for that hair-do.

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(Laughter)

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Heather was right,
Christiana's doing just fine.

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She's happy, she's healthy,
she's very high functioning.

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She's got some delays, of course, but,

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she has the right name

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because she has her uncle's strong spirit.

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As I've watched my girls grow up,

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they remind me of Chris and me.

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I can sense that Heather
will always be Christiana's protector.

00:16:44.179 --> 00:16:45.306
(Hmm)

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Hmm, God, it just gets to me still.

00:16:50.252 --> 00:16:51.540
(Sniffs)

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She'll always be her protector,

00:16:53.013 --> 00:16:56.259
and I know that they're always
going to have each other's back.

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Now, about this time,

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my relationship with my own parents
had all but disintegrated.

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They didn't do everything wrong,

00:17:05.585 --> 00:17:10.330
and in some ways Chris and I
had a privileged upbringing.

00:17:11.226 --> 00:17:16.625
They absolutely deserve empathy
for losing their son.

00:17:17.105 --> 00:17:19.179
They're humans and they made mistakes.

00:17:19.179 --> 00:17:20.802
We all make mistakes.

00:17:21.425 --> 00:17:26.936
But I've come to learn what matters most
is that we learn from our mistakes.

00:17:27.459 --> 00:17:31.046
And you have to remain cautious
around those who don't.

00:17:31.510 --> 00:17:35.951
At all costs, you must protect
your own children.

00:17:37.303 --> 00:17:42.104
All of my siblings, in our own time,
and for our own reasons,

00:17:42.104 --> 00:17:45.970
have come to our final breaks
with our father and my mother.

00:17:50.363 --> 00:17:51.566
(Sighs)

00:17:53.223 --> 00:17:56.794
About, not long after that,

00:17:57.599 --> 00:17:59.939
when Christiana started
a full-day school program,

00:18:01.092 --> 00:18:04.690
I started accepting invitations where
"Into the Wild" was required reading.

00:18:05.201 --> 00:18:06.661
It had become required reading

00:18:06.661 --> 00:18:09.812
at about 3,000 high schools
and colleges around the country.

00:18:12.649 --> 00:18:15.554
It was an opportunity
for forced reflection.

00:18:16.542 --> 00:18:20.975
I began to understand what a disservice
I had done to my brother.

00:18:21.517 --> 00:18:28.172
I had insisted that certain blanks
be left in Chris's public story.

00:18:29.904 --> 00:18:34.191
People, understandably, inserted
their own answers into those blanks,

00:18:34.191 --> 00:18:37.843
that Chris was mentally ill,

00:18:38.686 --> 00:18:41.045
that he was just
another rebellious teenager

00:18:41.045 --> 00:18:43.961
whose story had been
romanticized by the media,

00:18:43.961 --> 00:18:45.648
that he was suicidal.

00:18:46.171 --> 00:18:48.598
None of these assumptions were the truth.

00:18:49.527 --> 00:18:52.554
And when I gave the honest answers
to the students I spoke with,

00:18:52.554 --> 00:18:55.633
safe inside the intimate walls
of the classroom,

00:18:56.313 --> 00:18:58.897
I saw the incredible impact
it had on them.

00:18:59.413 --> 00:19:02.163
The personal perspective
I was able to provide,

00:19:02.163 --> 00:19:05.613
took Chris beyond
that literary legend he'd become,

00:19:05.613 --> 00:19:07.312
and it made him more relatable.

00:19:07.919 --> 00:19:11.680
Now I understood that teachers
didn't assign "Into the Wild"

00:19:11.680 --> 00:19:15.238
so their students would
get a better understanding of Chris,

00:19:15.694 --> 00:19:20.385
it was so they would achieve
a greater understanding of themselves.

00:19:21.010 --> 00:19:22.413
Listening to their questions,

00:19:22.413 --> 00:19:26.463
I understood that these students
are at this age of opportunity

00:19:26.463 --> 00:19:29.301
where they're deciding who they are.

00:19:29.733 --> 00:19:34.096
They're choosing the paths
that will determine who they will become.

00:19:36.449 --> 00:19:38.380
As I listen to their questions,

00:19:39.273 --> 00:19:45.560
I realize that my brother's story
was no longer just an assignment,

00:19:45.560 --> 00:19:48.679
it became a real lesson
that they would take with them

00:19:48.679 --> 00:19:50.100
far beyond that campus,

00:19:50.100 --> 00:19:55.145
into their lives as leaders and lawmakers,

00:19:55.145 --> 00:19:58.984
and husbands and wives, and partners,

00:19:58.984 --> 00:20:01.925
and most importantly, as parents.

00:20:02.717 --> 00:20:08.651
And I saw that they learned far more
from what makes Chris human,

00:20:08.651 --> 00:20:12.157
than from what had made him iconic.

00:20:13.039 --> 00:20:16.543
I decided that it was time
for me to be accountable

00:20:16.543 --> 00:20:18.633
for all that had remained unsaid,

00:20:19.180 --> 00:20:20.501
to tell my story,

00:20:21.014 --> 00:20:22.807
to tell the whole story.

00:20:23.987 --> 00:20:28.455
Since we were kids,
Chris had always taught me to journal,

00:20:28.455 --> 00:20:30.795
and after three years of very hard work,

00:20:30.795 --> 00:20:33.003
those journals turned into a book.

00:20:34.549 --> 00:20:38.010
Which is fair to say was far more painful
than the nine-pound baby.

00:20:39.524 --> 00:20:40.795
(Sniffs)

00:20:40.795 --> 00:20:42.935
When I first began writing
"The Wild Truth,"

00:20:42.935 --> 00:20:45.092
I did so with students in mind.

00:20:45.092 --> 00:20:46.595
I hadn't really intended for it

00:20:46.595 --> 00:20:49.355
to start a new conversation
about domestic violence,

00:20:49.355 --> 00:20:54.208
but taking a second look at Chris's story

00:20:54.208 --> 00:20:57.188
caused people to take a closer look

00:20:57.188 --> 00:20:59.553
at the stories
within their own communities.

00:21:00.292 --> 00:21:04.055
Not long after my book was published,
I got a letter from a friend from church.

00:21:05.733 --> 00:21:07.634
Her name's Catherine Miklos,

00:21:07.634 --> 00:21:09.814
and in her letter she noted,

00:21:09.814 --> 00:21:13.624
"The power of abuse is in the silence
its perpetrators demand.

00:21:14.485 --> 00:21:19.267
The cycle is broken by diminishing
that power through exposure."

00:21:20.169 --> 00:21:22.946
I haven't left one school, not one school,

00:21:22.946 --> 00:21:26.093
where at least one student
didn't come up to me

00:21:26.093 --> 00:21:31.140
to talk about their own experiences
and reach out for help for the first time.

00:21:31.910 --> 00:21:35.415
It made me think how Chris's story
might have been different

00:21:35.415 --> 00:21:37.743
if someone had spoken openly to us.

00:21:40.152 --> 00:21:41.453
Sometimes people talk about

00:21:41.453 --> 00:21:43.765
whether Chris's life
can be considered a success,

00:21:43.765 --> 00:21:45.338
because he died so young.

00:21:45.792 --> 00:21:50.142
I say they need to ask themselves
if life is more about quality...

00:21:50.866 --> 00:21:52.115
or quantity.

00:21:52.659 --> 00:21:55.387
One of the greatest things
you can hope to do in this life

00:21:55.387 --> 00:21:56.564
is to inspire someone,

00:21:56.564 --> 00:22:00.997
and Chris has done that
for so many people, even without intent.

00:22:01.464 --> 00:22:03.688
Now in the days of social media,

00:22:03.688 --> 00:22:08.456
I receive constant messages
from incredibly diverse people

00:22:08.456 --> 00:22:12.094
telling me how Chris has inspired them

00:22:12.094 --> 00:22:15.055
to make positive changes
in their own lives.

00:22:17.205 --> 00:22:20.189
I think that life is like a book.

00:22:21.447 --> 00:22:25.157
Now, unless someone
invents the cure for mortality,

00:22:25.157 --> 00:22:27.416
we all have the same first
and last chapter.

00:22:28.633 --> 00:22:34.026
What makes up the story of our lives
and the legacy that we will leave behind

00:22:34.026 --> 00:22:35.959
are the pages in between.

00:22:37.434 --> 00:22:42.731
Now for me, serious thoughts about legacy
have little to do with famous stories,

00:22:42.731 --> 00:22:44.414
books or movies.

00:22:46.025 --> 00:22:48.515
It has everything to do
with these two little girls,

00:22:48.891 --> 00:22:51.908
although I guess I can't really
call them little any more.

00:22:51.908 --> 00:22:54.583
Heather's now 16 and Christiana is nine.

00:22:56.418 --> 00:22:58.509
Both their lives had a rocky start.

00:22:58.866 --> 00:23:01.839
And I know they'll each have
their own adversities to overcome.

00:23:02.427 --> 00:23:06.203
But I want to empower them
to stay on their own true paths,

00:23:06.203 --> 00:23:08.352
even when the walking becomes rough.

00:23:09.305 --> 00:23:10.980
What I have to teach them,

00:23:11.605 --> 00:23:14.786
what I have to show them
through my own actions,

00:23:14.786 --> 00:23:18.457
is that their DNA will not define them.

00:23:20.314 --> 00:23:25.921
In closing, I'd like to read
a short excerpt from "Into the Wild,"

00:23:25.921 --> 00:23:27.688
where Jon Krakauer

00:23:28.763 --> 00:23:31.784
describes one of the last things
Chris does before he dies.

00:23:34.286 --> 00:23:38.366
"He tore the final page
from Louis L'Amour's memoir,

00:23:38.366 --> 00:23:40.333
'Education of a Wandering Man.'

00:23:41.166 --> 00:23:43.901
On one side of the page were
some lines L'Amour had quoted

00:23:43.901 --> 00:23:48.134
from Robinson Jeffers' poem,
'Wise Men in Their Bad Hours.'

00:23:49.420 --> 00:23:52.918
'Death's a fierce meadowlark:
but to die having made

00:23:52.918 --> 00:23:55.027
Something more equal to the centuries

00:23:55.027 --> 00:23:58.868
Than muscle and bone,
is mostly to shed weakness.

00:23:59.335 --> 00:24:03.933
The mountains are dead stone, the people
Admire or hate their stature,

00:24:04.270 --> 00:24:05.871
their insolent quietness,

00:24:06.505 --> 00:24:08.881
The mountains are not softened or troubled

00:24:09.408 --> 00:24:12.737
And a few dead men's thoughts
have the same temper.'

00:24:13.929 --> 00:24:16.657
On the other side of the page,
which was blank

00:24:16.657 --> 00:24:19.297
McCandless penned a brief adios:

00:24:19.947 --> 00:24:22.479
'I've had a happy life,
and thank the lord.

00:24:22.970 --> 00:24:25.594
Good bye, and may God bless all.'"

00:24:26.757 --> 00:24:28.601
Jon Krakauer continues,

00:24:29.693 --> 00:24:33.893
"One of his last acts
was to take a picture of himself

00:24:33.893 --> 00:24:36.972
standing near the bus
under the high Alaska sky,

00:24:37.517 --> 00:24:41.418
one hand holding his final note
toward the camera lens,

00:24:41.418 --> 00:24:44.438
the other raised
in a brave beatific farewell.

00:24:45.209 --> 00:24:49.341
His face is horribly
emaciated, almost skeletal.

00:24:49.941 --> 00:24:53.175
But if he pitied himself
in those last difficult hours,

00:24:53.707 --> 00:24:55.691
because he was so young,

00:24:55.691 --> 00:24:57.509
because he was alone,

00:24:57.878 --> 00:25:01.412
because his body had betrayed him
and his will had let him down,

00:25:01.799 --> 00:25:03.960
it's not apparent from the photograph.

00:25:04.440 --> 00:25:06.273
He is smiling in the picture,

00:25:06.544 --> 00:25:09.208
and there is no mistaking
the look in his eyes.

00:25:09.819 --> 00:25:12.489
Chris McCandless was at peace,

00:25:13.042 --> 00:25:16.347
serene as a monk, gone to God."

00:25:17.697 --> 00:25:23.093
Now, it's impossible for me
to look at that picture Jon talks about

00:25:23.901 --> 00:25:25.054
without crying,

00:25:25.054 --> 00:25:27.410
but in a way it's a good pain.

00:25:28.706 --> 00:25:31.555
I know that Chris died at peace

00:25:31.555 --> 00:25:33.894
because of the paths
that he had chosen in life

00:25:33.894 --> 00:25:35.560
that kept him true to himself.

00:25:36.093 --> 00:25:39.166
And in the end, whenever that end comes,

00:25:39.750 --> 00:25:42.491
isn't that the best
that any of us can hope for?

00:25:44.447 --> 00:25:46.444
Chris achieved eternal life

00:25:46.444 --> 00:25:49.095
certainly through the written pages
of "Into the Wild,"

00:25:49.571 --> 00:25:52.561
but more importantly,
through his own faith.

00:25:53.034 --> 00:25:56.612
He loved life more
than anyone I have ever known,

00:25:56.612 --> 00:25:58.574
and he wanted to have a long one,

00:26:00.685 --> 00:26:04.350
but his main concern
was that it be purposeful.

00:26:05.666 --> 00:26:09.205
My brother's story is globally known,

00:26:09.205 --> 00:26:10.902
not because he died,

00:26:11.377 --> 00:26:14.475
but because he truly lived.

00:26:16.395 --> 00:26:20.462
And he lives on in the lessons.

00:26:20.785 --> 00:26:22.183
Thank you.

00:26:22.183 --> 00:26:25.913
(Applause)