history of the entire world, i guess

Hi you're on a rock, floating in space. Pretty cool huh?

Some of it's water.

Fuck it, actually most of it is water.

I can't even get from here to there

without buying a boat.

It's sad. I'm sad. I miss you

How did this happen? A long time ago.

Actually never. And also now.

Nothing is nowhere. When? Never.

Makes sense right?

Like I said, it didn't happen.

Nothing was never anywhere.

That's why it's been everywhere

It's been so everywhere you don't need a where.

You don't even need a when.

That's how every it gets...

Forget this. I wanna be something.

Go somewhere, do something. I want things to change.

I want to invent time and space.

And I know it's possible because everything

is here and it probably already happened

I just don't know when to start.

And that's exactly when it started.

Oh I paused it. I think there's a universe now

What's it made of?

quarks & stuff.

Ah that's a thing, in a place. Don't like it?

Try a new place. At a different time.

Try to stick together because

the world is going to get bigger and emptier.

It's not empty yet. It's still very full,

and about a kjghpillion degress

Great news, the quarks are happily married

in groups of three, called a proton or neutron

And there's something flying around too

that wants to join in but it can't

because it's too hot.

Great news! The protons and neutrons are

now happily married to each other.

Some even doubled up.

Great news the electrons have now joined in

Congratulations. The world is now a bunch

of gas in space.

But it's getting closer together.

And it's getting closer together

And it's getting closer toget..

It's a star!

New shit just got made.

Some stars burn out and die.

Bigger starts burn out and die with passion

and make some brand new, way crazier shit.

Space dust

which allows newer and more interesting stars

to be made and die and explode and make

even crazier space dust.

So now stars have cool stuff around them.

Like rocks, ice and funny clouds

which can make some very interesting things.

Like this ball of flaming rock for example.

Holy shit, we just got hit with another

ball of flaming rocks. and it kinda

made a mess which is now the moon.

Weather update, it's raining rocks

from outer space

weather update, those rocks may have had

water inside them and now there's hot

steam in the sky.

Weather update, cooler temperatures today

and the floor is now no longer lava.

Weather update, it's raining

Severe flooding alert, the entire world

is now an ocean.

Volcano alert

that's land

inaudible what?

Something's alive in the ocean.

Oh cool, like a plant or an animal? no

A microscopic speck. It lives at the bottom

of the ocean and eats chemical soup

which is being served hot and fresh, made

from gnarly space ingredients left over

from when it was raining rocks or whatever.

Oh yea, and it can do that.

It has secret instructions written inside

itself telling how to build another

one of itself. So that's pretty nifty I would say.

Tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?

Now you can eat sunlight.

Using a revolutionary technique, you can

convert sunlight into food. Taste the sun

Side effect, now there's oxygen everywhere

and the sky is blue.

Then the earth might have been a snowball

for a while. Maybe even a couple of times.

It's a sponge. It's a plant. It's a worm

and some other weird types of water bugs,

and some strange fish

It's the Cambrian explosion.

Wow that's animals and stuff.

But we're still in the ocean. Hey can we

go on land?

No. Why?

The sun is a deadly lazer.

Okay.

Not anymore there's a blanket.

Now the animals can go on land.

Come on animals, let's go on land.

Nope can't walk yet.

and there's no food so I don't care

Okay, will you learn to walk if

there's plants up here?

maybe said some bugs. and fish.

Okay so I can go on land, but

I have to go back into the water to have

babies

Learn to use an egg.

I was already doing that.

Use a stronger egg. Put water in it.

Have a baby, on land, in an egg.

Water is in the egg. Baby is in the egg

In water in the egg. Works for me.

Bye bye, ocean.

Aaand now everything is huge. Including bugs

Wanna see a map of the land? Sure

Oh fuck, now everything is dead.

Just kidding here are the survivers

Keep your eye on this one because it's

about to become the dinosaur.

Here's another map of the land.

Yea it broke apart, don't worry about that

It does it all the time

Here comes a meteor.

And the dinosaurs are gone

It's mammel time, here come the mammels

Look at those breasts. Now they're going

to dominate the world.

And one of them just found out how to

grab stuff. And walk. No like walk like that.

And grab stuff at the same time

and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks

Ouch. and set things on fire. yeouch

And make crazy sounds with their voice

gneurshk, which can mean different things.

That's a human person. And now they're

everywhere. Almost

Ice age. What you can walk over here? cool.

Not anymore. I guess we're stuck here now.

Let's review, there's people on the planet.

And they're chasing their food

Fuck it. Time to plant some grass.

Look at this, I control the food now

Now everyone will want to be my friend

and live near me. Lets all build houses

except mine is bigger because I own the food

This is great, I wonder if anyone else

is doing this

Tired of using rocks for everything?

Use metal. It's underground

Better farming was just invented.

In a sweet dank valley right between

these two rivers. And the animals are helping.

Guess what happens next.

More food and more people

Here to buy the food.

Now you need more people to help make the food

And to keep track of the sales

And now you need houses for people to live

in and people to make the houses.

And now there's more people and they invent

things. Makes things better and more people

come and there's more farming

and more people to make more things for

more people. and now there's buisness

Money. Writing. Laws. Power. Society

Coming soon to a dank river valley

near you.

Meanwhile out in the middle of nowhere

The horse is probably being tamed.

Why is all my metal so lame and lumpy

Tired of using lame, sad metal?

Introducing BRONZE made with special ingrediant

Tin from the far lands of tinland

I don't know, my dealer won't tell me

where he gets it

Also guess what, Egypt.

Meanwhile in the middle of nowhere

They figured out how to put wheels on a horse

Now we're getting somewhere

Also China and did I mention

Indus river valley civilization

Norte Chico

Middle east is getting more complicated

Maybe it's because it's

in the middle of the east.

Knock, knock or clop clop.

It's the people with the horses and they

made an empire and everyone else

copied their horses

Greeks. Ah look it must be Greeks.

Or a beta version of the greeks.

Let's check in the the

indus river valley civilization.

They're gone. Guess who's not gone.

China.

New arrivals in India. Maybe it's those horse people

or something like that. Maybe it's their cousins

And they wrote some hymns, & mantras

and stuff. We could make

a religion out of this.

Here's the bronze age collapse

Now the phoenicians can get down to business

Also can we switch to a metal that's a

little easier to find? Thanks

Look who came back to Israel.

It's the 12 tribes of Israel. And they

believe in God. Just one though he's

got like a 10-step program

Here's some huge heads, must be the Olmecs

The Phoenicians make some colonies.

The Greeks copied their idea and make some

colonies. The Phoenicians made a colony

so big it makes colonies.

Here comes the Assyrian empire. Nevermind

It's the Babylonian..Media..It's the Persian Empire

Wow, that's big

Ah the Buddha was just enlightened.

Who's the Buddha? This guy.

Who sat under a tree for so long he figured

out how to ignore the fact that we're

all dying. You could make a religion

out of this

Whops, China just broke. But while it

was breaking Confucius just figured out

how to have good morals

Ahh the Greeks just had the idea of thinking

about stuff. And right over here, Alexander

just had the idea of conquering

the entire Persian Empire. It's a great idea

He was great. And now he's dead.

Hopefully the rest of the gang will be able

to share the empire evenly between them.

Knock, knock it's Chandragupta and he says

get the hell out of here. Will you get the

hell out of here if I give you 500

elephants? Ok thanks, bye

Time to conquer all of India...or most of

India. But what about this part?

That's the Tamil kings. No one controls

the Tamil kings. Who are the Tamil kings?

Merchants probably. And they've got spices

Who would like to buy the spices?

Me! said the Arabians. Swiftly buying it

and selling it to the rest of the world.

Hey China put itself back together again

With good morals as their main philosophy.

Actually they have three main philosopies

Out here, the horse nomads run wild and free

but they would like to ransack your cities.

Let's check the greekification levels of

the greekified kingdoms. Greekification

overload. Bye said the Parthians.

Bye said the Jews. Hi said the Parthians

taking over the entire place.

Heyy said the Roman, eating the entire

Mediterranean for breakfast.

Thanks for invading out home land said

the Jews who were starting to get tired

of people invading their homeland

Hi everything's great said some guy who seems

to be getting very popular and is then arrested

and killed for being too popular

which only makes him more popular.

You could make a religion out of this.

Want silk? Now you can buy it from China

They just made a brand new road to the world

Or you can get there on water.

Sick new trade routes said India

Accidently spreading their religion to the

entire southeast.

Hmm that's a good place for an epic

trading kingdom

There goes buddhism traveling up the silk road

I wonder if it will reach China before it

collapses again.

Remember the Persian empire? Yup said the

Persians, making a new one.

Axum is getting so powerful they would like

to build a long stick.

Has anyone populated Madagascar yet?

Let's do it together.

China is whole again...Then it broke again.

Still can't cross the Sahara desert? Try Camels

Hell yeah, now we've got business.

Said the Ghana empire selling lots of gold

and slaves.

Hi, I live in the Roman empire and

I was wondering, is loving Jesus legal yet?

No. Actually, Okay sure says Constantine,

moving the capital way over here to be

closer to his main rival.

Don't worry about Rome, it won't fall.

It's the golden age of India

There's the Gupta empire, not to be confused

with Chandragupta, just Gupta.

first name Chandra.

Guess who's in Rome? barbarians.

What's a barbarian? Non Romans said the Romans

being invaded by non Romans. RIP Roman empire

Or actually just half of it.

The other half is just fine but it's

not in Rome anymore so let's give

it a new name.

The Mayans have figured out the stars

Oh and here's a huge city, population everyone

Göktürks have taken over the entire Eurasian Step

Great job Göktürks. How's India? Broken.

How's China? back together

How's those trading kingdoms? Bigger and

there's more of them.

Korea has 3 kingdoms. Japan has a kingdom,

it's the sunrise kingdom.

Deep in the Arabian desert on a top

of a mountain, the real god whispers in

Muhammed's ear, so he goes down to the

cube where everyone worships gods and he

tells them your gods are all fake and

everyone got so mad he had to leave town

and go to a different town. You could

make a religion out of this. Maybe conquer

the world as well.

The Roman empire is long gone but somehow

the Pope is still the Pope. Plus there's

new kingdoms all over Europe. I wonder if

there's room for Moors.

Here's all the wisdom, in a house. It's

the Baghdad House of Wisdom. Just in time

for the Islamic golden age.

Let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it

and become the Swahili on the Swahili coast

said the Swahili on the Swahili coast.

Remember this tiny space you have to go

through to get from here to there?

Someone owns that now. Wanna get enlightened

in the middle of nowhere?

The Franks have the biggest kingdom in Europe

The Pope is so proud that he invites the king

over for Christmas. Surprise, you're the

new Roman emperor said the Pope, pretending

to still be part of the Roman empire.

Then the Franks broke their kingdom into

what will later be called France and

not France

The northerners or just the Norse if you

don't have much time are exploreing.

They go North, from the North to

the northern North and they find some land

Two types of land, and name them accordingly

They also invade some other places and get

called many names such as Vikings.

There's the Rus, the Kievan Rus

Are they vikings? I don't think so said

the Kievan Rus. Ok fair enough.

The Pope is ready to make some

more emperors of the Roman empire. The

Holy Roman empire. It's actually Germany

but don't worry about it. New Kingdoms.

Christianize all the kingdoms. Which brand

would you like? Mine's better, mine's better

mine's better.

Time to conquer England said William.

It's a bird, it's a plane it's the Seljuk Turks

ahh said the Byzantine empire who's getting

so small it almost doesn't exist anymore.

We need help. They need help so they call

the Pope. Hey Pope, can you help us get

rid of the Seljuks, maybe take back the Holy

Land on the way? Come on, I know you

want to take back the Holy Land. Yes I do

actually want to do that. Lets do a crusade.

Crusade! They did many Crusades, some of which

almost didn't fail. But at least the Italians

got some sweet trade deals.

Good bye Mayans, hello Toltecs. Goodbye

Toltecs. Hello Mississippi. Look at those

mounds. There's the Pueblo, I always wondered

how to build a town in a cliff.

Guess who's here? Khmer. Where? Here.

And Pagan is there. Vietnam unconquered

itself. Korea just became itself and Japan

is so addicted to art that the military

might have to take over the government.

China just invented bombs and typing.

And the Mongols just invaded most of

the universe. Nice going Genghis. I bet

that will last a long time.

Some of the Islamic Turks were unaffected

by the Mongol invasion because they were

busy invading India.

Is it Tonga time? I think it's Tonga time.

I just found out where the Swahili gets

all their gold.

Look at this chad, it means lake. There's

an empire there. Right in the middle of Africa

The king of Mali is so rich he's going

on tour to let everyone know.

Wow that guy's rich everyone said.

The Chistians are doing a great job

reconquering Iberia which will soon be

called Spain and not Spain. Please remain

Christian, we will check in later to see

if you're still Christian when you least

expect. Whoops half of Europe just died.

China's back, yay. Hey Khmer, time to share.

New Kingdoms, here and there. Oh look who

controls all the islands. It's the Mahajapit.

Majahapit, Mapajahit, Mahapajit, Mapajahit

Majapahit?

Oh Italy is really rich, time to care a lot

about art and the ancient classics

It's kinda like a rebirth.

Here's a printer, lets make books.

So you think you can conquer

the Byzantine Empire?

Yep, said the Ottoman turks.

Nice job, Ottoman Turks. Oops,

You missed a spot.

Don't forget to ban Europe

from the Indian spice trade.

"What? That's bullshit!" said Portugal, spiceless.

♪Well I guess we'll have to find another way♪

♪to India♪ "Wait!" said Christopher Columbus,

probably smoking crack.

If the world is round, let's go this way to India!

"No, don't worry, we already got this."

said Portugal. So Chris goes to Spain.

Hey Spain, wanna hire me to find India

by going around back of the world?

No. Please? No. Please? No. Please? OK.

So he sails into the ocean, and discovers

more ocean. And then discovers the Indies

and Japan. Let's draw a line to decide

who gets which half of the world.

The Aztec and Inca empires are off to a great start.

I wonder if they know that Europe just

discovered their continent.

The Hapsburgs are marrying into so many

royal families, they might have to start

marrying each-other. Move over, Lithuania!

Here comes Moscow! Ivan wants to make

Russia great again. Move over, Timurids!

Maybe go invade India or something.

Persia just made Persia Persian again.

Let's make it the other kind of Islam.

The one where we thought the first guy

should've been the other guy.

Hey, Christians! Do you sin?

Now you can buy your way out of hell!

"That's bullshit. This whole thing is bullshit."

"That's a scam. Fuck the church. "

"Here's 95 reasons why. " said Martin Luther

in his new book which might have

accidentally started the Protestant Reformation.

"You know what will be magnificent?"

said Suliman, wearing an onion hat.

What if the Ottoman Empire was really big,

which it is now. "What if Russia was big?"

said Ivan, trying not to be terrible.

Portugal had a dream that they controlled

the entire Indian Ocean, including the

spice trade. And then that dream was real.

And Spain realized that this is not India,

but they pillaged it anyway. "Damn,"

said England and France.

"We gotta start pillaging some stuff."

Then the Dutch revolt, and all the hipsters

move to Amsterdam. "Damn," said Amsterdam.

"We gotta start pillaging some stuff."

Question 1, can you get to India through

North America? No, but at least there's beaver.

Question 2, steal the spice trade.

That's not a question, but the Dutch

did it anyway. ♪Sugar♪

Guess where all the sugar's made?

In Brazil! Stolen! In the Caribbean!

And it's so goddamn profitable, you might

forget to not do slavery.

The next thing on Russia's to-do list

is to get bigger. Britain and France

are having a friendly discussion about

who should control the entire world.

More specifically, Ohio. Then it escalates

into a seven year discussion,

giving Prussia a chance to show Austria

who's boss. But what about Britain and France?

Did they figure out who's boss? Yes they did!

It's Britain. Guess who's broke? Also Britain.

So they start taxing the hell out of America.

"Fuck you!" says America, declaring their

independence, and fighting for it.

And France helps them win.

Now France is broke, and Britain will have to

send their prisoners to a different continent.

Wait, if France is broke, why do the King

and Queen still wear such fancy dresses?

"Let's overthrow the palace"

"and cut all their heads off!" said Robespierre,

cutting everybody's head off until someone

eventually got mad and cut his head off.

You could make a reli- No, don't.

Haiti is starting to like the idea

of a revolution. Especially the slaves who

free themselves by killing their masters.

"Why didn't we think of this before?"

Wait, who's in charge of France now?

♪"Me"♪ said Napoleon, trying to take over

Europe. Luckily they banished him

to an island. ♪But he came back♪

Luckily, they banished him to another island.

There goes Latin America, becoming independent

in the Latin American wars of independence.

Britain just figured out how to turn steam

into power so now they can make

♪many different types of machines♪

♪and factories with machines in them♪

♪so they can make a lot of products♪

♪real fast♪ Then they invent some trains.

And conquer India and maybe put some

trains there. "Hey, China!" said Britain.

"Buy stuff from us!" "Nah, dude we already

"got everything." Says China.

So Britain tried to get them addicted to

Opium. Which worked actually. Then China

made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea.

So Britain threw a hissy fit and made them

open up five cities and give them an island.

Britain and Russia are playing a game where

they try to stop each other from conquering

Afghanistan. Also, ♪the Sultan of Oman♪

♪lives in Zanzibar now♪

That's just where he lives.

India just had a revolution, and they

would like to govern themselves now.

"Nope." said Britain, governing them even harder

than before. [electric beeping]

♪Technology is about to go crazy♪

The United States finally figured out

whether slavery is good or bad.

"It's bad." they decided. And then they

continued manifesting their destiny,

which is to kill the rest of the natives

and take their land and maybe kick out

the Mexicans too.

I know let's rape Africa said Europe

scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest

They never got to Ethiopia

Britain and France are still hungry.

They never got Thailand

The United States finally ran out of

destiney to manifest so they're looking

for more. Hawaii. Cuba.

Wait Spain controls Cuba. Well blame

something on them and go to war

What should we blame on Spain? Let's blame

the Maine on Spain.

So they blamed the Maine on Spain.

Now we're in business. To celebrate they

kicked Panama out of Panama and made a

canal connecting the two oceans.

Britain just found oil in the middle east.

It makes cars go.

China is so tired of being bossed around

that they delete their old government and

make a new stronger government. Which is

accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy

from the previous government.

Europe hasn't had a war since the last war

So they start World War One. Look at those

guns. It's going to be a great war. So great

we won't need a second one.

After it's over they blame Germany.

Russia went on strike and the workers

overthrew the government. Now everyone's

paycheck is the same. Communism in the

Soviet Union. The Arabs revolt and Britain

helps. Now the Ottoman empire is gone so

we can give the Jewish people a place to

live. Hopefully the Arabs won't mind.

Let's cut the cake said Sykes and Picot,

carving up the remains of

the not-so-otoman-anymore empire

Except Turkey makes a brand new Turkey

And then the Saudi conquer Arabia because

it just seemed like the right thing to do.

Ringing sound Hello? Yes, it's the 1920s

calling. Let's get into a car and drive to a party

and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the

movies.

The economy is great and it will probably

be great forever. Just kidding.

Germany's back featuring Hitler,

the angry mustache model and he's mad

at the Jews for existing

Japan has finally conquered the east and

their so excited they rape Nanking way too

hard, they should probably just deny it.

Hitler is out of control so the international

community tackles him and tries to explain

why killing all the jews is a bad idea.

But he kills himself before they could

explain it to him.

That's World War Two.

Bonus Round. Pacific Showdown.

United States vs. Japan. Fight.

Finish Him.

Let's unite all the nations and have some

World Peace. Seems Legit.

Hi I'm Gandhi and if Britain doesn't

get the hell out of India then I'm going

to starve myself in public.

Wow that worked?

Bonus, now there's Pakistan. Actually

two Pakistans. One of them can be Bangladesh

later.

The Jews and the Arabs finally figured out

which one of them should live in

the Holy Land. Me! They both said at the

same time. Let's divide up the land so

everyone's happy.

Sike, they both get angrier.

Look out China, there's a new China.

What's on the menu? Communism!

No thanks, said the other China escaping

to an island. I wonder which one is the

real China.

There's the Korean war. Korea vs. Korea

Nobody wins, then it's on pause forever.

Let's meet the sponsors. Oh it's the two

global superpowers. They're having

a friendly debate over which economic

system is good and which one is an evil

virus of Satan. And they both have Atom bombs.

Fight! Wait no that would be the end

of the world. Let's just keep it cool

and spy on each other instead.

And make sure we have enough atom bombs.

Race you to space. Now let's make some more

countries fight themselves.

Europe is tired of pillaging other

continents and the continents they
were pillaging are tired

of being pillaged. So here's a new map

with new countries. Now you can't tell

who they're being pillaged by.

The united states finally decided whether

racism is good or bad. They decided it's bad.

and the world agrees. South Africa might

need another minute to think about it.

Let's check the world population. Woah. Okay

Technology is better too. That might keep

happening. The Soviet Union decides to

relax a little and accidently falls apart.

Europe makes a union so now they can

all use the same money.

Except Britain because the don't feel like it.

Check the mail. Surprise! it's on the computer.

Whoops someone just attacked America.

And America, I bet they'll remember that.

Phone call. Surprise! It's in your pocket

Wanna learn everything? Surprise!

It's on the computer. Now your phone's a

computer which is in your pocket.

Whoops the economy just crashed.

Don't worry the big banks won't fail

because they're not supposed to.

Surprise! Flying robots. With bombs.

Wanna print a brain?

Some people have no friends.

Some people have no food.

The globe is warming and the ocean

is full of plastic.

Let's save the planet said everybody

not knowing how.

Let's invent a thing inventor said the thing

inventor after being invented by a thing

inventor. That's pretty cool

By the way, where the hell are we?