0:00:00.000,0:00:03.191
Hi you're on a rock, floating in space. Pretty cool huh?
0:00:03.191,0:00:04.005
Some of it's water.
0:00:04.005,0:00:05.336
Fuck it, actually most of it is water.
0:00:05.336,0:00:06.571
I can't even get from here to there
0:00:06.571,0:00:07.831
without buying a boat.
0:00:07.831,0:00:10.581
It's sad. I'm sad. I miss you
0:00:10.581,0:00:13.338
How did this happen? A long time ago.
0:00:13.338,0:00:14.768
Actually never. And also now.
0:00:14.768,0:00:16.660
Nothing is nowhere. When? Never.
0:00:16.660,0:00:17.480
Makes sense right?
0:00:17.480,0:00:18.615
Like I said, it didn't happen.
0:00:18.615,0:00:19.810
Nothing was never anywhere.
0:00:19.810,0:00:21.550
That's why it's been everywhere
0:00:21.550,0:00:23.462
It's been so everywhere you don't need a where.
0:00:23.462,0:00:24.614
You don't even need a when.
0:00:24.614,0:00:27.046
That's how every it gets...
0:00:36.192,0:00:37.587
Forget this. I wanna be something.
0:00:37.587,0:00:40.238
Go somewhere, do something. I want things to change.
0:00:40.238,0:00:42.001
I want to invent time and space.
0:00:42.001,0:00:43.968
And I know it's possible because everything
0:00:43.968,0:00:44.869
is here and it probably already happened
0:00:44.869,0:00:46.510
I just don't know when to start.
0:00:46.510,0:00:48.435
And that's exactly when it started.
0:00:48.435,0:00:51.591
Oh I paused it. I think there's a universe now
0:00:51.771,0:00:52.641
What's it made of?
0:00:52.641,0:00:53.681
quarks & stuff.
0:00:53.718,0:00:55.997
Ah that's a thing, in a place. Don't like it?
0:00:55.997,0:00:58.037
Try a new place. At a different time.
0:00:58.037,0:00:59.516
Try to stick together because
0:00:59.516,0:01:01.156
the world is going to get bigger and emptier.
0:01:01.156,0:01:03.166
It's not empty yet. It's still very full,
0:01:03.174,0:01:04.955
and about a kjghpillion degress
0:01:04.955,0:01:07.266
Great news, the quarks are happily married
0:01:07.266,0:01:09.301
in groups of three, called a proton or neutron
0:01:09.301,0:01:11.135
And there's something flying around too
0:01:11.135,0:01:12.197
that wants to join in but it can't
0:01:12.197,0:01:13.517
because it's too hot.
0:01:14.965,0:01:16.639
Great news! The protons and neutrons are
0:01:16.639,0:01:17.811
now happily married to each other.
0:01:17.811,0:01:18.461
Some even doubled up.
0:01:18.461,0:01:20.898
Great news the electrons have now joined in
0:01:20.898,0:01:23.321
Congratulations. The world is now a bunch
0:01:23.321,0:01:23.892
of gas in space.
0:01:23.892,0:01:25.676
But it's getting closer together.
0:01:25.676,0:01:27.654
And it's getting closer together
0:01:27.654,0:01:29.438
And it's getting closer toget..
0:01:29.438,0:01:32.397
It's a star!
0:01:32.397,0:01:33.114
New shit just got made.
0:01:33.114,0:01:35.204
Some stars burn out and die.
0:01:35.214,0:01:36.717
Bigger starts burn out and die with passion
0:01:36.717,0:01:39.221
and make some brand new, way crazier shit.
0:01:39.221,0:01:40.310
Space dust
0:01:40.310,0:01:41.594
which allows newer and more interesting stars
0:01:41.594,0:01:43.513
to be made and die and explode and make
0:01:43.513,0:01:45.586
even crazier space dust.
0:01:45.586,0:01:47.275
So now stars have cool stuff around them.
0:01:47.275,0:01:48.964
Like rocks, ice and funny clouds
0:01:48.964,0:01:50.906
which can make some very interesting things.
0:01:50.906,0:01:52.787
Like this ball of flaming rock for example.
0:01:52.787,0:01:54.520
Holy shit, we just got hit with another
0:01:54.520,0:01:56.964
ball of flaming rocks. and it kinda
0:01:56.964,0:01:59.529
made a mess which is now the moon.
0:01:59.529,0:02:00.732
Weather update, it's raining rocks
0:02:00.732,0:02:01.388
from outer space
0:02:01.388,0:02:02.781
weather update, those rocks may have had
0:02:02.781,0:02:04.020
water inside them and now there's hot
0:02:04.020,0:02:04.968
steam in the sky.
0:02:04.968,0:02:06.622
Weather update, cooler temperatures today
0:02:06.622,0:02:07.890
and the floor is now no longer lava.
0:02:07.890,0:02:10.083
Weather update, it's raining
0:02:10.083,0:02:11.682
Severe flooding alert, the entire world
0:02:11.682,0:02:12.271
is now an ocean.
0:02:12.271,0:02:14.268
Volcano alert
0:02:14.268,0:02:15.162
that's land
0:02:15.162,0:02:16.992
inaudible what?
0:02:16.992,0:02:19.733
Something's alive in the ocean.
0:02:19.733,0:02:21.254
Oh cool, like a plant or an animal? no
0:02:21.254,0:02:23.255
A microscopic speck. It lives at the bottom
0:02:23.255,0:02:24.753
of the ocean and eats chemical soup
0:02:24.753,0:02:26.362
which is being served hot and fresh, made
0:02:26.362,0:02:28.171
from gnarly space ingredients left over
0:02:28.171,0:02:29.464
from when it was raining rocks or whatever.
0:02:29.464,0:02:31.145
Oh yea, and it can do that.
0:02:31.145,0:02:33.581
It has secret instructions written inside
0:02:33.581,0:02:34.896
itself telling how to build another
0:02:34.896,0:02:36.847
one of itself. So that's pretty nifty I would say.
0:02:36.847,0:02:38.597
Tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
0:02:38.597,0:02:40.057
Now you can eat sunlight.
0:02:40.057,0:02:42.709
Using a revolutionary technique, you can
0:02:42.709,0:02:45.650
convert sunlight into food. Taste the sun
0:02:45.650,0:02:46.849
Side effect, now there's oxygen everywhere
0:02:46.849,0:02:47.583
and the sky is blue.
0:02:47.583,0:02:48.851
Then the earth might have been a snowball
0:02:48.851,0:02:50.635
for a while. Maybe even a couple of times.
0:02:50.635,0:02:53.401
It's a sponge. It's a plant. It's a worm
0:02:53.401,0:02:55.569
and some other weird types of water bugs,
0:02:55.569,0:02:56.221
and some strange fish
0:02:56.221,0:02:59.522
It's the Cambrian explosion.
0:02:59.522,0:03:00.851
Wow that's animals and stuff.
0:03:00.851,0:03:02.210
But we're still in the ocean. Hey can we
0:03:02.210,0:03:02.900
go on land?
0:03:02.900,0:03:04.152
No. Why?
0:03:04.152,0:03:05.751
The sun is a deadly lazer.
0:03:05.751,0:03:06.171
Okay.
0:03:06.181,0:03:08.083
Not anymore there's a blanket.
0:03:08.083,0:03:09.981
Now the animals can go on land.
0:03:10.031,0:03:11.071
Come on animals, let's go on land.
0:03:11.071,0:03:11.960
Nope can't walk yet.
0:03:11.960,0:03:13.821
and there's no food so I don't care
0:03:14.325,0:03:15.967
Okay, will you learn to walk if
0:03:15.967,0:03:16.695
there's plants up here?
0:03:16.695,0:03:19.155
maybe said some bugs. and fish.
0:03:23.825,0:03:24.638
Okay so I can go on land, but
0:03:24.638,0:03:26.154
I have to go back into the water to have
0:03:26.154,0:03:27.128
babies
0:03:27.778,0:03:28.379
Learn to use an egg.
0:03:28.379,0:03:29.429
I was already doing that.
0:03:29.429,0:03:30.809
Use a stronger egg. Put water in it.
0:03:30.809,0:03:32.653
Have a baby, on land, in an egg.
0:03:32.653,0:03:34.812
Water is in the egg. Baby is in the egg
0:03:34.812,0:03:37.281
In water in the egg. Works for me.
0:03:37.281,0:03:39.189
Bye bye, ocean.
0:03:39.189,0:03:41.271
Aaand now everything is huge. Including bugs
0:03:41.271,0:03:43.194
Wanna see a map of the land? Sure
0:03:43.194,0:03:45.363
Oh fuck, now everything is dead.
0:03:45.759,0:03:47.345
Just kidding here are the survivers
0:03:47.345,0:03:48.490
Keep your eye on this one because it's
0:03:48.490,0:03:49.468
about to become the dinosaur.
0:03:49.468,0:03:50.835
Here's another map of the land.
0:03:50.835,0:03:51.681
Yea it broke apart, don't worry about that
0:03:51.691,0:03:52.753
It does it all the time
0:03:52.773,0:03:53.713
Here comes a meteor.
0:03:53.726,0:03:57.167
And the dinosaurs are gone
0:03:57.167,0:03:58.508
It's mammel time, here come the mammels
0:03:58.508,0:04:00.157
Look at those breasts. Now they're going
0:04:00.157,0:04:01.218
to dominate the world.
0:04:01.218,0:04:02.119
And one of them just found out how to
0:04:02.119,0:04:04.701
grab stuff. And walk. No like walk like that.
0:04:04.701,0:04:06.478
And grab stuff at the same time
0:04:06.478,0:04:08.714
and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks
0:04:08.714,0:04:10.745
Ouch. and set things on fire. yeouch
0:04:10.745,0:04:12.201
And make crazy sounds with their voice
0:04:12.201,0:04:13.911
gneurshk, which can mean different things.
0:04:13.911,0:04:16.541
That's a human person. And now they're
0:04:16.541,0:04:18.196
everywhere. Almost
0:04:18.196,0:04:21.043
Ice age. What you can walk over here? cool.
0:04:21.043,0:04:23.184
Not anymore. I guess we're stuck here now.
0:04:23.184,0:04:24.953
Let's review, there's people on the planet.
0:04:24.953,0:04:26.543
And they're chasing their food
0:04:26.543,0:04:28.530
Fuck it. Time to plant some grass.
0:04:28.530,0:04:29.897
Look at this, I control the food now
0:04:29.897,0:04:31.456
Now everyone will want to be my friend
0:04:31.456,0:04:33.045
and live near me. Lets all build houses
0:04:33.045,0:04:34.650
except mine is bigger because I own the food
0:04:34.650,0:04:35.971
This is great, I wonder if anyone else
0:04:35.971,0:04:36.618
is doing this
0:04:36.618,0:04:38.197
Tired of using rocks for everything?
0:04:38.197,0:04:39.896
Use metal. It's underground
0:04:39.896,0:04:41.479
Better farming was just invented.
0:04:41.479,0:04:42.977
In a sweet dank valley right between
0:04:42.977,0:04:44.807
these two rivers. And the animals are helping.
0:04:44.807,0:04:46.549
Guess what happens next.
0:04:46.549,0:04:47.739
More food and more people
0:04:47.739,0:04:48.558
Here to buy the food.
0:04:48.558,0:04:50.129
Now you need more people to help make the food
0:04:50.129,0:04:50.949
And to keep track of the sales
0:04:50.949,0:04:52.583
And now you need houses for people to live
0:04:52.583,0:04:53.460
in and people to make the houses.
0:04:53.460,0:04:54.730
And now there's more people and they invent
0:04:54.730,0:04:56.051
things. Makes things better and more people
0:04:56.051,0:04:57.095
come and there's more farming
0:04:57.095,0:04:58.271
and more people to make more things for
0:04:58.271,0:04:59.444
more people. and now there's buisness
0:04:59.444,0:05:04.233
Money. Writing. Laws. Power. Society
0:05:04.233,0:05:05.817
Coming soon to a dank river valley
0:05:05.817,0:05:06.337
near you.
0:05:06.337,0:05:08.025
Meanwhile out in the middle of nowhere
0:05:08.025,0:05:09.647
The horse is probably being tamed.
0:05:09.647,0:05:11.305
Why is all my metal so lame and lumpy
0:05:11.305,0:05:12.934
Tired of using lame, sad metal?
0:05:12.934,0:05:15.100
Introducing BRONZE made with special ingrediant
0:05:15.100,0:05:16.898
Tin from the far lands of tinland
0:05:16.898,0:05:18.306
I don't know, my dealer won't tell me
0:05:18.306,0:05:18.878
where he gets it
0:05:18.878,0:05:21.457
Also guess what, Egypt.
0:05:21.457,0:05:22.547
Meanwhile in the middle of nowhere
0:05:22.547,0:05:24.116
They figured out how to put wheels on a horse
0:05:24.116,0:05:25.559
Now we're getting somewhere
0:05:25.559,0:05:27.837
Also China and did I mention
0:05:27.837,0:05:30.093
Indus river valley civilization
0:05:31.833,0:05:32.083
Norte Chico
0:05:32.637,0:05:34.012
Middle east is getting more complicated
0:05:34.012,0:05:34.919
Maybe it's because it's
0:05:34.919,0:05:36.047
in the middle of the east.
0:05:36.047,0:05:37.305
Knock, knock or clop clop.
0:05:37.305,0:05:39.274
It's the people with the horses and they
0:05:39.274,0:05:40.034
made an empire and everyone else
0:05:40.034,0:05:41.265
copied their horses
0:05:41.265,0:05:43.238
Greeks. Ah look it must be Greeks.
0:05:43.238,0:05:44.951
Or a beta version of the greeks.
0:05:44.951,0:05:46.031
Let's check in the the
0:05:46.031,0:05:47.260
indus river valley civilization.
0:05:47.260,0:05:48.782
They're gone. Guess who's not gone.
0:05:48.792,0:05:49.175
China.
0:05:49.175,0:05:52.972
New arrivals in India. Maybe it's those horse people
0:05:52.972,0:05:54.815
or something like that. Maybe it's their cousins
0:05:55.923,0:05:59.203
And they wrote some hymns, & mantras
0:05:59.203,0:06:00.493
and stuff. We could make
0:06:00.493,0:06:01.925
a religion out of this.
0:06:01.925,0:06:02.914
Here's the bronze age collapse
0:06:02.914,0:06:05.606
Now the phoenicians can get down to business
0:06:05.606,0:06:06.857
Also can we switch to a metal that's a
0:06:06.857,0:06:08.232
little easier to find? Thanks
0:06:08.232,0:06:09.321
Look who came back to Israel.
0:06:09.321,0:06:11.177
It's the 12 tribes of Israel. And they
0:06:11.177,0:06:13.148
believe in God. Just one though he's
0:06:13.148,0:06:14.688
got like a 10-step program
0:06:14.688,0:06:16.507
Here's some huge heads, must be the Olmecs
0:06:16.507,0:06:17.890
The Phoenicians make some colonies.
0:06:17.890,0:06:19.668
The Greeks copied their idea and make some
0:06:19.668,0:06:21.057
colonies. The Phoenicians made a colony
0:06:21.057,0:06:21.869
so big it makes colonies.
0:06:21.869,0:06:23.463
Here comes the Assyrian empire. Nevermind
0:06:23.463,0:06:26.836
It's the Babylonian..Media..It's the Persian Empire
0:06:26.836,0:06:28.171
Wow, that's big
0:06:28.171,0:06:29.911
Ah the Buddha was just enlightened.
0:06:29.911,0:06:31.121
Who's the Buddha? This guy.
0:06:31.121,0:06:32.762
Who sat under a tree for so long he figured
0:06:32.762,0:06:33.802
out how to ignore the fact that we're
0:06:33.803,0:06:35.037
all dying. You could make a religion
0:06:35.037,0:06:35.766
out of this
0:06:35.766,0:06:37.409
Whops, China just broke. But while it
0:06:37.409,0:06:38.705
was breaking Confucius just figured out
0:06:38.705,0:06:39.806
how to have good morals
0:06:39.806,0:06:41.822
Ahh the Greeks just had the idea of thinking
0:06:41.822,0:06:43.821
about stuff. And right over here, Alexander
0:06:43.821,0:06:45.012
just had the idea of conquering
0:06:45.012,0:06:46.958
the entire Persian Empire. It's a great idea
0:06:46.958,0:06:48.977
He was great. And now he's dead.
0:06:48.977,0:06:50.589
Hopefully the rest of the gang will be able
0:06:50.589,0:06:52.265
to share the empire evenly between them.
0:06:52.265,0:06:54.243
Knock, knock it's Chandragupta and he says
0:06:54.243,0:06:55.132
get the hell out of here. Will you get the
0:06:55.132,0:06:56.599
hell out of here if I give you 500
0:06:56.599,0:06:57.700
elephants? Ok thanks, bye
0:06:57.700,0:07:02.676
Time to conquer all of India...or most of
0:07:02.676,0:07:06.070
India. But what about this part?
0:07:06.070,0:07:07.634
That's the Tamil kings. No one controls
0:07:07.634,0:07:09.269
the Tamil kings. Who are the Tamil kings?
0:07:09.269,0:07:13.200
Merchants probably. And they've got spices
0:07:13.200,0:07:14.005
Who would like to buy the spices?
0:07:14.005,0:07:15.706
Me! said the Arabians. Swiftly buying it
0:07:15.706,0:07:16.938
and selling it to the rest of the world.
0:07:16.938,0:07:18.666
Hey China put itself back together again
0:07:18.666,0:07:20.476
With good morals as their main philosophy.
0:07:20.476,0:07:24.191
Actually they have three main philosopies
0:07:24.191,0:07:26.399
Out here, the horse nomads run wild and free
0:07:26.399,0:07:31.218
but they would like to ransack your cities.
0:07:31.218,0:07:33.007
Let's check the greekification levels of
0:07:33.007,0:07:34.367
the greekified kingdoms. Greekification
0:07:34.367,0:07:35.875
overload. Bye said the Parthians.
0:07:35.875,0:07:37.994
Bye said the Jews. Hi said the Parthians
0:07:37.994,0:07:39.129
taking over the entire place.
0:07:39.129,0:07:41.339
Heyy said the Roman, eating the entire
0:07:41.339,0:07:42.683
Mediterranean for breakfast.
0:07:42.683,0:07:44.339
Thanks for invading out home land said
0:07:44.339,0:07:45.497
the Jews who were starting to get tired
0:07:45.497,0:07:46.739
of people invading their homeland
0:07:46.739,0:07:48.928
Hi everything's great said some guy who seems
0:07:48.928,0:07:50.430
to be getting very popular and is then arrested
0:07:50.430,0:07:51.876
and killed for being too popular
0:07:51.876,0:07:52.721
which only makes him more popular.
0:07:52.721,0:07:54.099
You could make a religion out of this.
0:07:54.099,0:07:55.531
Want silk? Now you can buy it from China
0:07:55.531,0:07:59.374
They just made a brand new road to the world
0:07:59.374,0:08:03.080
Or you can get there on water.
0:08:03.080,0:08:04.635
Sick new trade routes said India
0:08:04.635,0:08:06.176
Accidently spreading their religion to the
0:08:06.176,0:08:06.824
entire southeast.
0:08:06.824,0:08:07.913
Hmm that's a good place for an epic
0:08:07.913,0:08:08.661
trading kingdom
0:08:08.661,0:08:10.717
There goes buddhism traveling up the silk road
0:08:10.717,0:08:11.931
I wonder if it will reach China before it
0:08:11.931,0:08:12.758
collapses again.
0:08:12.758,0:08:14.405
Remember the Persian empire? Yup said the
0:08:14.405,0:08:15.588
Persians, making a new one.
0:08:15.588,0:08:17.169
Axum is getting so powerful they would like
0:08:17.169,0:08:18.859
to build a long stick.
0:08:18.859,0:08:20.079
Has anyone populated Madagascar yet?
0:08:20.079,0:08:21.756
Let's do it together.
0:08:21.756,0:08:26.810
China is whole again...Then it broke again.
0:08:26.810,0:08:29.077
Still can't cross the Sahara desert? Try Camels
0:08:29.077,0:08:31.499
Hell yeah, now we've got business.
0:08:31.499,0:08:33.469
Said the Ghana empire selling lots of gold
0:08:33.469,0:08:34.116
and slaves.
0:08:34.116,0:08:35.795
Hi, I live in the Roman empire and
0:08:35.795,0:08:38.705
I was wondering, is loving Jesus legal yet?
0:08:38.705,0:08:41.559
No. Actually, Okay sure says Constantine,
0:08:41.559,0:08:43.173
moving the capital way over here to be
0:08:43.173,0:08:44.473
closer to his main rival.
0:08:44.473,0:08:46.003
Don't worry about Rome, it won't fall.
0:08:46.003,0:08:50.680
It's the golden age of India
0:08:50.680,0:08:52.070
There's the Gupta empire, not to be confused
0:08:52.086,0:08:53.506
with Chandragupta, just Gupta.
0:08:53.516,0:08:55.596
first name Chandra.
0:08:55.596,0:08:57.106
Guess who's in Rome? barbarians.
0:08:57.106,0:08:58.932
What's a barbarian? Non Romans said the Romans
0:08:58.932,0:09:01.387
being invaded by non Romans. RIP Roman empire
0:09:01.387,0:09:02.579
Or actually just half of it.
0:09:02.579,0:09:03.674
The other half is just fine but it's
0:09:03.674,0:09:05.059
not in Rome anymore so let's give
0:09:05.059,0:09:05.677
it a new name.
0:09:05.677,0:09:08.967
The Mayans have figured out the stars
0:09:08.967,0:09:11.659
Oh and here's a huge city, population everyone
0:09:11.659,0:09:14.201
Göktürks have taken over the entire Eurasian Step
0:09:14.201,0:09:16.252
Great job Göktürks. How's India? Broken.
0:09:16.252,0:09:18.401
How's China? back together
0:09:18.401,0:09:20.161
How's those trading kingdoms? Bigger and
0:09:20.161,0:09:21.462
there's more of them.
0:09:21.462,0:09:23.152
Korea has 3 kingdoms. Japan has a kingdom,
0:09:23.152,0:09:24.770
it's the sunrise kingdom.
0:09:24.770,0:09:26.601
Deep in the Arabian desert on a top
0:09:26.601,0:09:28.203
of a mountain, the real god whispers in
0:09:28.203,0:09:29.897
Muhammed's ear, so he goes down to the
0:09:29.897,0:09:31.524
cube where everyone worships gods and he
0:09:31.524,0:09:32.622
tells them your gods are all fake and
0:09:32.622,0:09:34.854
everyone got so mad he had to leave town
0:09:34.854,0:09:36.238
and go to a different town. You could
0:09:36.238,0:09:37.427
make a religion out of this. Maybe conquer
0:09:37.427,0:09:38.293
the world as well.
0:09:38.293,0:09:40.414
The Roman empire is long gone but somehow
0:09:40.414,0:09:41.874
the Pope is still the Pope. Plus there's
0:09:41.874,0:09:43.994
new kingdoms all over Europe. I wonder if
0:09:43.994,0:09:45.620
there's room for Moors.
0:09:45.620,0:09:47.454
Here's all the wisdom, in a house. It's
0:09:47.454,0:09:49.202
the Baghdad House of Wisdom. Just in time
0:09:49.202,0:09:51.247
for the Islamic golden age.
0:09:51.247,0:09:52.921
Let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it
0:09:52.921,0:09:54.629
and become the Swahili on the Swahili coast
0:09:54.629,0:09:56.180
said the Swahili on the Swahili coast.
0:09:56.180,0:09:57.831
Remember this tiny space you have to go
0:09:57.831,0:09:58.869
through to get from here to there?
0:09:58.869,0:10:00.667
Someone owns that now. Wanna get enlightened
0:10:00.667,0:10:01.420
in the middle of nowhere?
0:10:01.420,0:10:02.809
The Franks have the biggest kingdom in Europe
0:10:02.809,0:10:04.647
The Pope is so proud that he invites the king
0:10:04.647,0:10:06.110
over for Christmas. Surprise, you're the
0:10:06.110,0:10:07.667
new Roman emperor said the Pope, pretending
0:10:07.667,0:10:08.943
to still be part of the Roman empire.
0:10:08.943,0:10:10.460
Then the Franks broke their kingdom into
0:10:10.460,0:10:11.609
what will later be called France and
0:10:11.609,0:10:12.269
not France
0:10:12.269,0:10:13.946
The northerners or just the Norse if you
0:10:13.946,0:10:15.282
don't have much time are exploreing.
0:10:15.282,0:10:16.912
They go North, from the North to
0:10:16.912,0:10:18.232
the northern North and they find some land
0:10:18.232,0:10:21.084
Two types of land, and name them accordingly
0:10:21.084,0:10:22.637
They also invade some other places and get
0:10:22.637,0:10:24.137
called many names such as Vikings.
0:10:24.137,0:10:25.903
There's the Rus, the Kievan Rus
0:10:25.903,0:10:27.684
Are they vikings? I don't think so said
0:10:27.684,0:10:29.109
the Kievan Rus. Ok fair enough.
0:10:29.109,0:10:30.378
The Pope is ready to make some
0:10:30.378,0:10:32.296
more emperors of the Roman empire. The
0:10:32.296,0:10:33.967
Holy Roman empire. It's actually Germany
0:10:33.967,0:10:35.548
but don't worry about it. New Kingdoms.
0:10:35.548,0:10:37.366
Christianize all the kingdoms. Which brand
0:10:37.366,0:10:38.367
would you like? Mine's better, mine's better
0:10:38.367,0:10:38.952
mine's better.
0:10:38.952,0:10:40.558
Time to conquer England said William.
0:10:40.558,0:10:42.799
It's a bird, it's a plane it's the Seljuk Turks
0:10:42.799,0:10:44.599
ahh said the Byzantine empire who's getting
0:10:44.599,0:10:46.087
so small it almost doesn't exist anymore.
0:10:46.087,0:10:47.625
We need help. They need help so they call
0:10:47.625,0:10:49.039
the Pope. Hey Pope, can you help us get
0:10:49.039,0:10:50.212
rid of the Seljuks, maybe take back the Holy
0:10:50.212,0:10:51.558
Land on the way? Come on, I know you
0:10:51.558,0:10:53.147
want to take back the Holy Land. Yes I do
0:10:53.147,0:10:54.702
actually want to do that. Lets do a crusade.
0:10:54.702,0:10:56.875
Crusade! They did many Crusades, some of which
0:10:56.875,0:10:58.349
almost didn't fail. But at least the Italians
0:10:58.349,0:10:59.493
got some sweet trade deals.
0:10:59.493,0:11:02.174
Good bye Mayans, hello Toltecs. Goodbye
0:11:02.174,0:11:04.646
Toltecs. Hello Mississippi. Look at those
0:11:04.646,0:11:06.420
mounds. There's the Pueblo, I always wondered
0:11:06.420,0:11:07.755
how to build a town in a cliff.
0:11:07.755,0:11:09.751
Guess who's here? Khmer. Where? Here.
0:11:09.751,0:11:11.594
And Pagan is there. Vietnam unconquered
0:11:11.594,0:11:13.472
itself. Korea just became itself and Japan
0:11:13.472,0:11:15.047
is so addicted to art that the military
0:11:15.047,0:11:16.117
might have to take over the government.
0:11:16.117,0:11:18.247
China just invented bombs and typing.
0:11:18.247,0:11:19.833
And the Mongols just invaded most of
0:11:19.833,0:11:21.928
the universe. Nice going Genghis. I bet
0:11:21.928,0:11:23.626
that will last a long time.
0:11:23.626,0:11:25.048
Some of the Islamic Turks were unaffected
0:11:25.048,0:11:26.680
by the Mongol invasion because they were
0:11:26.680,0:11:27.584
busy invading India.
0:11:27.584,0:11:31.575
Is it Tonga time? I think it's Tonga time.
0:11:31.575,0:11:32.837
I just found out where the Swahili gets
0:11:32.837,0:11:33.590
all their gold.
0:11:33.590,0:11:35.279
Look at this chad, it means lake. There's
0:11:35.279,0:11:38.475
an empire there. Right in the middle of Africa
0:11:38.475,0:11:39.967
The king of Mali is so rich he's going
0:11:39.967,0:11:41.080
on tour to let everyone know.
0:11:41.080,0:11:42.654
Wow that guy's rich everyone said.
0:11:42.654,0:11:44.039
The Chistians are doing a great job
0:11:44.039,0:11:45.872
reconquering Iberia which will soon be
0:11:45.872,0:11:47.430
called Spain and not Spain. Please remain
0:11:47.430,0:11:48.839
Christian, we will check in later to see
0:11:48.839,0:11:50.084
if you're still Christian when you least
0:11:50.084,0:11:52.199
expect. Whoops half of Europe just died.
0:11:52.199,0:11:55.103
China's back, yay. Hey Khmer, time to share.
0:11:55.103,0:11:57.059
New Kingdoms, here and there. Oh look who
0:11:57.059,0:11:59.264
controls all the islands. It's the Mahajapit.
0:11:59.264,0:12:02.873
Majahapit, Mapajahit, Mahapajit, Mapajahit
0:12:02.873,0:12:05.884
Majapahit?
0:12:05.884,0:12:07.734
Oh Italy is really rich, time to care a lot
0:12:07.734,0:12:09.033
about art and the ancient classics
0:12:09.033,0:12:10.478
It's kinda like a rebirth.
0:12:10.478,0:12:12.023
Here's a printer, lets make books.
0:12:12.023,0:12:13.340
So you think you can conquer
0:12:13.340,0:12:14.118
the Byzantine Empire?
0:12:14.118,0:12:15.356
Yep, said the Ottoman turks.
0:12:15.356,0:12:16.966
Nice job, Ottoman Turks. Oops,
0:12:16.966,0:12:17.635
You missed a spot.
0:12:17.635,0:12:18.449
Don't forget to ban Europe
0:12:18.449,0:12:19.427
from the Indian spice trade.
0:12:19.427,0:12:21.757
"What? That's bullshit!" said Portugal, spiceless.
0:12:21.757,0:12:25.208
♪Well I guess we'll have to find another way♪
0:12:25.208,0:12:28.793
♪to India♪ "Wait!" said Christopher Columbus,
0:12:28.793,0:12:29.927
probably smoking crack.
0:12:29.927,0:12:31.928
If the world is round, let's go this way to India!
0:12:31.928,0:12:33.116
"No, don't worry, we already got this."
0:12:33.116,0:12:34.655
said Portugal. So Chris goes to Spain.
0:12:34.655,0:12:36.111
Hey Spain, wanna hire me to find India
0:12:36.111,0:12:37.308
by going around back of the world?
0:12:37.308,0:12:39.950
No. Please? No. Please? No. Please? OK.
0:12:39.950,0:12:42.399
So he sails into the ocean, and discovers
0:12:42.399,0:12:44.176
more ocean. And then discovers the Indies
0:12:44.176,0:12:46.819
and Japan. Let's draw a line to decide
0:12:46.819,0:12:47.629
who gets which half of the world.
0:12:47.629,0:12:50.241
The Aztec and Inca empires are off to a great start.
0:12:50.241,0:12:51.499
I wonder if they know that Europe just
0:12:51.499,0:12:52.392
discovered their continent.
0:12:52.392,0:12:54.260
The Hapsburgs are marrying into so many
0:12:54.260,0:12:55.451
royal families, they might have to start
0:12:55.451,0:12:57.274
marrying each-other. Move over, Lithuania!
0:12:57.274,0:12:58.963
Here comes Moscow! Ivan wants to make
0:12:58.963,0:13:00.711
Russia great again. Move over, Timurids!
0:13:00.711,0:13:02.182
Maybe go invade India or something.
0:13:02.182,0:13:03.923
Persia just made Persia Persian again.
0:13:03.923,0:13:05.470
Let's make it the other kind of Islam.
0:13:05.470,0:13:06.785
The one where we thought the first guy
0:13:06.785,0:13:07.794
should've been the other guy.
0:13:07.794,0:13:09.257
Hey, Christians! Do you sin?
0:13:09.257,0:13:10.754
Now you can buy your way out of hell!
0:13:10.754,0:13:12.497
"That's bullshit. This whole thing is bullshit."
0:13:12.497,0:13:13.835
"That's a scam. Fuck the church. "
0:13:13.835,0:13:15.851
"Here's 95 reasons why. " said Martin Luther
0:13:15.851,0:13:17.035
in his new book which might have
0:13:17.035,0:13:18.578
accidentally started the Protestant Reformation.
0:13:18.578,0:13:19.845
"You know what will be magnificent?"
0:13:19.845,0:13:21.288
said Suliman, wearing an onion hat.
0:13:21.288,0:13:23.143
What if the Ottoman Empire was really big,
0:13:23.143,0:13:24.859
which it is now. "What if Russia was big?"
0:13:24.859,0:13:26.570
said Ivan, trying not to be terrible.
0:13:26.570,0:13:28.227
Portugal had a dream that they controlled
0:13:28.227,0:13:29.758
the entire Indian Ocean, including the
0:13:29.758,0:13:31.980
spice trade. And then that dream was real.
0:13:31.980,0:13:33.922
And Spain realized that this is not India,
0:13:33.922,0:13:35.820
but they pillaged it anyway. "Damn,"
0:13:35.820,0:13:36.648
said England and France.
0:13:36.648,0:13:37.842
"We gotta start pillaging some stuff."
0:13:37.842,0:13:39.321
Then the Dutch revolt, and all the hipsters
0:13:39.321,0:13:41.238
move to Amsterdam. "Damn," said Amsterdam.
0:13:41.238,0:13:43.210
"We gotta start pillaging some stuff."
0:13:43.210,0:13:45.168
Question 1, can you get to India through
0:13:45.168,0:13:46.960
North America? No, but at least there's beaver.
0:13:46.960,0:13:48.498
Question 2, steal the spice trade.
0:13:48.498,0:13:49.830
That's not a question, but the Dutch
0:13:49.830,0:13:51.826
did it anyway. ♪Sugar♪
0:13:51.826,0:13:52.688
Guess where all the sugar's made?
0:13:52.688,0:13:54.609
In Brazil! Stolen! In the Caribbean!
0:13:54.609,0:13:56.236
And it's so goddamn profitable, you might
0:13:56.236,0:13:57.311
forget to not do slavery.
0:13:57.311,0:13:58.869
The next thing on Russia's to-do list
0:13:58.869,0:14:00.327
is to get bigger. Britain and France
0:14:00.327,0:14:01.370
are having a friendly discussion about
0:14:01.370,0:14:02.848
who should control the entire world.
0:14:02.848,0:14:04.977
More specifically, Ohio. Then it escalates
0:14:04.977,0:14:06.198
into a seven year discussion,
0:14:06.198,0:14:07.948
giving Prussia a chance to show Austria
0:14:07.948,0:14:09.391
who's boss. But what about Britain and France?
0:14:09.391,0:14:10.974
Did they figure out who's boss? Yes they did!
0:14:10.974,0:14:12.921
It's Britain. Guess who's broke? Also Britain.
0:14:12.921,0:14:14.531
So they start taxing the hell out of America.
0:14:14.531,0:14:16.141
"Fuck you!" says America, declaring their
0:14:16.141,0:14:17.328
independence, and fighting for it.
0:14:17.328,0:14:18.814
And France helps them win.
0:14:18.814,0:14:20.233
Now France is broke, and Britain will have to
0:14:20.233,0:14:21.933
send their prisoners to a different continent.
0:14:21.933,0:14:23.820
Wait, if France is broke, why do the King
0:14:23.820,0:14:25.206
and Queen still wear such fancy dresses?
0:14:25.206,0:14:26.451
"Let's overthrow the palace"
0:14:26.451,0:14:27.783
"and cut all their heads off!" said Robespierre,
0:14:27.783,0:14:29.265
cutting everybody's head off until someone
0:14:29.265,0:14:30.700
eventually got mad and cut his head off.
0:14:30.700,0:14:31.996
You could make a reli- No, don't.
0:14:31.996,0:14:33.890
Haiti is starting to like the idea
0:14:33.890,0:14:35.149
of a revolution. Especially the slaves who
0:14:35.149,0:14:36.437
free themselves by killing their masters.
0:14:36.437,0:14:38.010
"Why didn't we think of this before?"
0:14:38.010,0:14:39.488
Wait, who's in charge of France now?
0:14:39.488,0:14:41.473
♪"Me"♪ said Napoleon, trying to take over
0:14:41.473,0:14:42.685
Europe. Luckily they banished him
0:14:42.685,0:14:44.555
to an island. ♪But he came back♪
0:14:44.555,0:14:45.926
Luckily, they banished him to another island.
0:14:45.926,0:14:48.219
There goes Latin America, becoming independent
0:14:48.219,0:14:49.819
in the Latin American wars of independence.
0:14:49.819,0:14:51.437
Britain just figured out how to turn steam
0:14:51.437,0:14:52.749
into power so now they can make
0:14:52.749,0:14:54.457
♪many different types of machines♪
0:14:54.457,0:14:57.014
♪and factories with machines in them♪
0:14:57.014,0:14:59.593
♪so they can make a lot of products♪
0:14:59.593,0:15:02.747
♪real fast♪ Then they invent some trains.
0:15:02.747,0:15:04.165
And conquer India and maybe put some
0:15:04.165,0:15:05.711
trains there. "Hey, China!" said Britain.
0:15:05.711,0:15:07.383
"Buy stuff from us!" "Nah, dude we already
0:15:07.383,0:15:08.451
"got everything." Says China.
0:15:08.451,0:15:09.699
So Britain tried to get them addicted to
0:15:09.699,0:15:11.742
Opium. Which worked actually. Then China
0:15:11.742,0:15:13.353
made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea.
0:15:13.353,0:15:14.962
So Britain threw a hissy fit and made them
0:15:14.962,0:15:16.521
open up five cities and give them an island.
0:15:16.521,0:15:18.066
Britain and Russia are playing a game where
0:15:18.066,0:15:19.352
they try to stop each other from conquering
0:15:19.352,0:15:22.354
Afghanistan. Also, ♪the Sultan of Oman♪
0:15:22.354,0:15:24.183
♪lives in Zanzibar now♪
0:15:24.183,0:15:25.645
That's just where he lives.
0:15:25.645,0:15:27.405
India just had a revolution, and they
0:15:27.405,0:15:28.494
would like to govern themselves now.
0:15:28.494,0:15:30.346
"Nope." said Britain, governing them even harder
0:15:30.346,0:15:34.465
than before. [electric beeping]
0:15:34.465,0:15:37.039
♪Technology is about to go crazy♪
0:15:37.039,0:15:38.829
The United States finally figured out
0:15:38.829,0:15:40.096
whether slavery is good or bad.
0:15:40.096,0:15:41.678
"It's bad." they decided. And then they
0:15:41.678,0:15:43.388
continued manifesting their destiny,
0:15:43.388,0:15:44.288
which is to kill the rest of the natives
0:15:44.288,0:15:45.576
and take their land and maybe kick out
0:15:45.576,0:15:46.241
the Mexicans too.
0:15:46.241,0:15:48.474
I know let's rape Africa said Europe
0:15:48.474,0:15:50.135
scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest
0:15:50.135,0:15:51.906
They never got to Ethiopia
0:15:51.906,0:15:53.361
Britain and France are still hungry.
0:15:53.361,0:15:54.747
They never got Thailand
0:15:54.747,0:15:56.178
The United States finally ran out of
0:15:56.178,0:15:57.392
destiney to manifest so they're looking
0:15:57.392,0:15:59.494
for more. Hawaii. Cuba.
0:15:59.494,0:16:01.530
Wait Spain controls Cuba. Well blame
0:16:01.530,0:16:02.712
something on them and go to war
0:16:02.712,0:16:04.691
What should we blame on Spain? Let's blame
0:16:04.691,0:16:05.433
the Maine on Spain.
0:16:05.433,0:16:06.642
So they blamed the Maine on Spain.
0:16:06.642,0:16:08.733
Now we're in business. To celebrate they
0:16:08.733,0:16:10.214
kicked Panama out of Panama and made a
0:16:10.214,0:16:11.783
canal connecting the two oceans.
0:16:11.783,0:16:13.610
Britain just found oil in the middle east.
0:16:13.610,0:16:15.162
It makes cars go.
0:16:15.162,0:16:16.753
China is so tired of being bossed around
0:16:16.753,0:16:18.223
that they delete their old government and
0:16:18.223,0:16:19.468
make a new stronger government. Which is
0:16:19.468,0:16:21.281
accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy
0:16:21.281,0:16:22.374
from the previous government.
0:16:22.374,0:16:24.091
Europe hasn't had a war since the last war
0:16:24.091,0:16:25.921
So they start World War One. Look at those
0:16:25.921,0:16:28.034
guns. It's going to be a great war. So great
0:16:28.034,0:16:29.121
we won't need a second one.
0:16:29.121,0:16:30.454
After it's over they blame Germany.
0:16:30.454,0:16:32.572
Russia went on strike and the workers
0:16:32.572,0:16:33.554
overthrew the government. Now everyone's
0:16:33.554,0:16:35.483
paycheck is the same. Communism in the
0:16:35.483,0:16:38.005
Soviet Union. The Arabs revolt and Britain
0:16:38.005,0:16:39.541
helps. Now the Ottoman empire is gone so
0:16:39.541,0:16:42.119
we can give the Jewish people a place to
0:16:42.119,0:16:44.172
live. Hopefully the Arabs won't mind.
0:16:44.172,0:16:46.061
Let's cut the cake said Sykes and Picot,
0:16:46.061,0:16:47.076
carving up the remains of
0:16:47.076,0:16:48.659
the not-so-otoman-anymore empire
0:16:48.659,0:16:52.209
Except Turkey makes a brand new Turkey
0:16:52.209,0:16:53.787
And then the Saudi conquer Arabia because
0:16:53.787,0:16:55.131
it just seemed like the right thing to do.
0:16:55.131,0:16:57.610
Ringing sound Hello? Yes, it's the 1920s
0:16:57.610,0:16:59.570
calling. Let's get into a car and drive to a party
0:16:59.570,0:17:01.276
and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the
0:17:01.276,0:17:01.737
movies.
0:17:01.737,0:17:02.938
The economy is great and it will probably
0:17:02.938,0:17:03.788
be great forever. Just kidding.
0:17:03.788,0:17:05.280
Germany's back featuring Hitler,
0:17:05.280,0:17:07.186
the angry mustache model and he's mad
0:17:07.186,0:17:08.136
at the Jews for existing
0:17:08.136,0:17:10.217
Japan has finally conquered the east and
0:17:10.217,0:17:11.998
their so excited they rape Nanking way too
0:17:11.998,0:17:13.256
hard, they should probably just deny it.
0:17:13.256,0:17:14.877
Hitler is out of control so the international
0:17:14.877,0:17:16.559
community tackles him and tries to explain
0:17:16.559,0:17:18.223
why killing all the jews is a bad idea.
0:17:18.223,0:17:19.630
But he kills himself before they could
0:17:19.630,0:17:20.370
explain it to him.
0:17:20.370,0:17:22.047
That's World War Two.
0:17:22.047,0:17:23.673
Bonus Round. Pacific Showdown.
0:17:23.673,0:17:26.385
United States vs. Japan. Fight.
0:17:28.095,0:17:29.540
Finish Him.
0:17:30.080,0:17:31.174
Let's unite all the nations and have some
0:17:31.174,0:17:32.658
World Peace. Seems Legit.
0:17:32.658,0:17:34.292
Hi I'm Gandhi and if Britain doesn't
0:17:34.292,0:17:35.699
get the hell out of India then I'm going
0:17:35.699,0:17:36.673
to starve myself in public.
0:17:36.673,0:17:37.993
Wow that worked?
0:17:37.993,0:17:39.796
Bonus, now there's Pakistan. Actually
0:17:39.796,0:17:41.399
two Pakistans. One of them can be Bangladesh
0:17:41.399,0:17:41.846
later.
0:17:41.846,0:17:43.270
The Jews and the Arabs finally figured out
0:17:43.270,0:17:44.490
which one of them should live in
0:17:44.490,0:17:45.875
the Holy Land. Me! They both said at the
0:17:45.875,0:17:47.680
same time. Let's divide up the land so
0:17:47.680,0:17:48.424
everyone's happy.
0:17:48.424,0:17:50.595
Sike, they both get angrier.
0:17:50.595,0:17:51.980
Look out China, there's a new China.
0:17:51.980,0:17:53.918
What's on the menu? Communism!
0:17:53.918,0:17:55.466
No thanks, said the other China escaping
0:17:55.466,0:17:57.138
to an island. I wonder which one is the
0:17:57.138,0:17:57.599
real China.
0:17:57.599,0:17:59.476
There's the Korean war. Korea vs. Korea
0:17:59.476,0:18:01.329
Nobody wins, then it's on pause forever.
0:18:01.329,0:18:02.976
Let's meet the sponsors. Oh it's the two
0:18:02.976,0:18:04.419
global superpowers. They're having
0:18:04.419,0:18:05.700
a friendly debate over which economic
0:18:05.700,0:18:07.429
system is good and which one is an evil
0:18:07.429,0:18:09.984
virus of Satan. And they both have Atom bombs.
0:18:09.984,0:18:11.817
Fight! Wait no that would be the end
0:18:11.817,0:18:13.253
of the world. Let's just keep it cool
0:18:13.253,0:18:14.582
and spy on each other instead.
0:18:14.582,0:18:16.581
And make sure we have enough atom bombs.
0:18:16.581,0:18:19.771
Race you to space. Now let's make some more
0:18:19.771,0:18:20.594
countries fight themselves.
0:18:20.594,0:18:22.180
Europe is tired of pillaging other
0:18:22.180,0:18:24.135
continents and the continents they[br]were pillaging are tired
0:18:24.135,0:18:25.596
of being pillaged. So here's a new map
0:18:25.596,0:18:26.838
with new countries. Now you can't tell
0:18:26.838,0:18:27.710
who they're being pillaged by.
0:18:27.710,0:18:29.354
The united states finally decided whether
0:18:29.354,0:18:31.482
racism is good or bad. They decided it's bad.
0:18:31.482,0:18:33.128
and the world agrees. South Africa might
0:18:33.128,0:18:34.535
need another minute to think about it.
0:18:34.535,0:18:37.346
Let's check the world population. Woah. Okay
0:18:37.346,0:18:39.584
Technology is better too. That might keep
0:18:39.584,0:18:41.114
happening. The Soviet Union decides to
0:18:41.114,0:18:42.965
relax a little and accidently falls apart.
0:18:42.965,0:18:44.765
Europe makes a union so now they can
0:18:44.765,0:18:45.547
all use the same money.
0:18:45.547,0:18:47.165
Except Britain because the don't feel like it.
0:18:47.165,0:18:49.376
Check the mail. Surprise! it's on the computer.
0:18:49.376,0:18:51.040
Whoops someone just attacked America.
0:18:51.040,0:18:52.486
And America, I bet they'll remember that.
0:18:52.486,0:18:54.019
Phone call. Surprise! It's in your pocket
0:18:54.019,0:18:55.289
Wanna learn everything? Surprise!
0:18:55.289,0:18:56.767
It's on the computer. Now your phone's a
0:18:56.767,0:18:57.847
computer which is in your pocket.
0:18:57.847,0:18:59.173
Whoops the economy just crashed.
0:18:59.173,0:19:00.879
Don't worry the big banks won't fail
0:19:00.879,0:19:02.148
because they're not supposed to.
0:19:02.148,0:19:04.937
Surprise! Flying robots. With bombs.
0:19:04.937,0:19:06.099
Wanna print a brain?
0:19:06.099,0:19:07.167
Some people have no friends.
0:19:07.167,0:19:08.435
Some people have no food.
0:19:08.435,0:19:10.319
The globe is warming and the ocean
0:19:10.319,0:19:12.600
is full of plastic.
0:19:12.600,0:19:14.070
Let's save the planet said everybody
0:19:14.070,0:19:14.797
not knowing how.
0:19:14.797,0:19:16.941
Let's invent a thing inventor said the thing
0:19:16.941,0:19:18.871
inventor after being invented by a thing
0:19:18.871,0:19:19.912
inventor. That's pretty cool
0:19:19.912,0:19:21.528
By the way, where the hell are we?