WEBVTT
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Hi you're on a rock, floating in space. Pretty cool huh?
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Some of it's water.
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Fuck it, actually most of it is water.
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I can't even get from here to there
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without buying a boat.
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It's sad. I'm sad. I miss you
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How did this happen? A long time ago.
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Actually never. And also now.
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Nothing is nowhere. When? Never.
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Makes sense right?
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Like I said, it didn't happen.
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Nothing was never anywhere.
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That's why it's been everywhere
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It's been so everywhere you don't need a where.
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You don't even need a when.
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That's how every it gets...
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Forget this. I wanna be something.
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Go somewhere, do something. I want things to change.
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I want to invent time and space.
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And I know it's possible because everything
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is here and it probably already happened
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I just don't know when to start.
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And that's exactly when it started.
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Oh I paused it. I think there's a universe now
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What's it made of?
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quarks & stuff.
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Ah that's a thing, in a place. Don't like it?
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Try a new place. At a different time.
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Try to stick together because
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the world is going to get bigger and emptier.
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It's not empty yet. It's still very full,
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and about a kjghpillion degress
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Great news, the quarks are happily married
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in groups of three, called a proton or neutron
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And there's something flying around too
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that wants to join in but it can't
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because it's too hot.
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Great news! The protons and neutrons are
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now happily married to each other.
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Some even doubled up.
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Great news the electrons have now joined in
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Congratulations. The world is now a bunch
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of gas in space.
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But it's getting closer together.
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And it's getting closer together
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And it's getting closer toget..
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It's a star!
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New shit just got made.
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Some stars burn out and die.
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Bigger starts burn out and die with passion
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and make some brand new, way crazier shit.
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Space dust
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which allows newer and more interesting stars
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to be made and die and explode and make
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even crazier space dust.
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So now stars have cool stuff around them.
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Like rocks, ice and funny clouds
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which can make some very interesting things.
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Like this ball of flaming rock for example.
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Holy shit, we just got hit with another
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ball of flaming rocks. and it kinda
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made a mess which is now the moon.
NOTE Paragraph
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Weather update, it's raining rocks
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from outer space
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weather update, those rocks may have had
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water inside them and now there's hot
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steam in the sky.
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Weather update, cooler temperatures today
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and the floor is now no longer lava.
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Weather update, it's raining
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Severe flooding alert, the entire world
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is now an ocean.
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Volcano alert
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that's land
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inaudible what?
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Something's alive in the ocean.
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Oh cool, like a plant or an animal? no
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A microscopic speck. It lives at the bottom
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of the ocean and eats chemical soup
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which is being served hot and fresh, made
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from gnarly space ingredients left over
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from when it was raining rocks or whatever.
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Oh yea, and it can do that.
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It has secret instructions written inside
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itself telling how to build another
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one of itself. So that's pretty nifty I would say.
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Tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
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Now you can eat sunlight.
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Using a revolutionary technique, you can
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convert sunlight into food. Taste the sun
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Side effect, now there's oxygen everywhere
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and the sky is blue.
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Then the earth might have been a snowball
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for a while. Maybe even a couple of times.
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It's a sponge. It's a plant. It's a worm
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and some other weird types of water bugs,
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and some strange fish
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It's the Cambrian explosion.
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Wow that's animals and stuff.
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But we're still in the ocean. Hey can we
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go on land?
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No. Why?
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The sun is a deadly lazer.
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Okay.
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Not anymore there's a blanket.
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Now the animals can go on land.
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Come on animals, let's go on land.
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Nope can't walk yet.
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and there's no food so I don't care
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Okay, will you learn to walk if
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there's plants up here?
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maybe said some bugs. and fish.
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Okay so I can go on land, but
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I have to go back into the water to have
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babies
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Learn to use an egg.
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I was already doing that.
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Use a stronger egg. Put water in it.
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Have a baby, on land, in an egg.
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Water is in the egg. Baby is in the egg
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In water in the egg. Works for me.
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Bye bye, ocean.
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Aaand now everything is huge. Including bugs
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Wanna see a map of the land? Sure
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Oh fuck, now everything is dead.
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Just kidding here are the survivers
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Keep your eye on this one because it's
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about to become the dinosaur.
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Here's another map of the land.
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Yea it broke apart, don't worry about that
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It does it all the time
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Here comes a meteor.
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And the dinosaurs are gone
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It's mammel time, here come the mammels
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Look at those breasts. Now they're going
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to dominate the world.
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And one of them just found out how to
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grab stuff. And walk. No like walk like that.
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And grab stuff at the same time
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and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks
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Ouch. and set things on fire. yeouch
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And make crazy sounds with their voice
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gneurshk, which can mean different things.
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That's a human person. And now they're
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everywhere. Almost
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Ice age. What you can walk over here? cool.
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Not anymore. I guess we're stuck here now.
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Let's review, there's people on the planet.
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And they're chasing their food
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Fuck it. Time to plant some grass.
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Look at this, I control the food now
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Now everyone will want to be my friend
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and live near me. Lets all build houses
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except mine is bigger because I own the food
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This is great, I wonder if anyone else
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is doing this
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Tired of using rocks for everything?
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Use metal. It's underground
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Better farming was just invented.
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In a sweet dank valley right between
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these two rivers. And the animals are helping.
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Guess what happens next.
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More food and more people
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Here to buy the food.
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Now you need more people to help make the food
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And to keep track of the sales
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And now you need houses for people to live
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in and people to make the houses.
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And now there's more people and they invent
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things. Makes things better and more people
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come and there's more farming
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and more people to make more things for
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more people. and now there's buisness
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Money. Writing. Laws. Power. Society
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Coming soon to a dank river valley
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near you.
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Meanwhile out in the middle of nowhere
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The horse is probably being tamed.
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Why is all my metal so lame and lumpy
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Tired of using lame, sad metal?
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Introducing BRONZE made with special ingrediant
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Tin from the far lands of tinland
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I don't know, my dealer won't tell me
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where he gets it
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Also guess what, Egypt.
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Meanwhile in the middle of nowhere
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They figured out how to put wheels on a horse
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Now we're getting somewhere
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Also China and did I mention
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Indus river valley civilization
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Norte Chico
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Middle east is getting more complicated
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Maybe it's because it's
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in the middle of the east.
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Knock, knock or clop clop.
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It's the people with the horses and they
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made an empire and everyone else
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copied their horses
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Greeks. Ah look it must be Greeks.
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Or a beta version of the greeks.
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Let's check in the the
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indus river valley civilization.
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They're gone. Guess who's not gone.
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China.
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New arrivals in India. Maybe it's those horse people
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or something like that. Maybe it's their cousins
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And they wrote some hymns, & mantras
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and stuff. We could make
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a religion out of this.
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Here's the bronze age collapse
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Now the phoenicians can get down to business
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Also can we switch to a metal that's a
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little easier to find? Thanks
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Look who came back to Israel.
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It's the 12 tribes of Israel. And they
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believe in God. Just one though he's
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got like a 10-step program
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Here's some huge heads, must be the Olmecs
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The Phoenicians make some colonies.
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The Greeks copied their idea and make some
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colonies. The Phoenicians made a colony
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so big it makes colonies.
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Here comes the Assyrian empire. Nevermind
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It's the Babylonian..Media..It's the Persian Empire
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Wow, that's big
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Ah the Buddha was just enlightened.
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Who's the Buddha? This guy.
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Who sat under a tree for so long he figured
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out how to ignore the fact that we're
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all dying. You could make a religion
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out of this
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Whops, China just broke. But while it
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was breaking Confucius just figured out
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how to have good morals
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Ahh the Greeks just had the idea of thinking
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about stuff. And right over here, Alexander
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just had the idea of conquering
00:06:45.012 --> 00:06:46.958
the entire Persian Empire. It's a great idea
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He was great. And now he's dead.
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Hopefully the rest of the gang will be able
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to share the empire evenly between them.
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Knock, knock it's Chandragupta and he says
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get the hell out of here. Will you get the
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hell out of here if I give you 500
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elephants? Ok thanks, bye
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Time to conquer all of India...or most of
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India. But what about this part?
00:07:06.070 --> 00:07:07.634
That's the Tamil kings. No one controls
00:07:07.634 --> 00:07:09.269
the Tamil kings. Who are the Tamil kings?
00:07:09.269 --> 00:07:13.200
Merchants probably. And they've got spices
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Who would like to buy the spices?
00:07:14.005 --> 00:07:15.706
Me! said the Arabians. Swiftly buying it
00:07:15.706 --> 00:07:16.938
and selling it to the rest of the world.
00:07:16.938 --> 00:07:18.666
Hey China put itself back together again
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With good morals as their main philosophy.
00:07:20.476 --> 00:07:24.191
Actually they have three main philosopies
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Out here, the horse nomads run wild and free
00:07:26.399 --> 00:07:31.218
but they would like to ransack your cities.
00:07:31.218 --> 00:07:33.007
Let's check the greekification levels of
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the greekified kingdoms. Greekification
00:07:34.367 --> 00:07:35.875
overload. Bye said the Parthians.
00:07:35.875 --> 00:07:37.994
Bye said the Jews. Hi said the Parthians
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taking over the entire place.
00:07:39.129 --> 00:07:41.339
Heyy said the Roman, eating the entire
00:07:41.339 --> 00:07:42.683
Mediterranean for breakfast.
00:07:42.683 --> 00:07:44.339
Thanks for invading out home land said
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the Jews who were starting to get tired
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of people invading their homeland
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Hi everything's great said some guy who seems
00:07:48.928 --> 00:07:50.430
to be getting very popular and is then arrested
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and killed for being too popular
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which only makes him more popular.
00:07:52.721 --> 00:07:54.099
You could make a religion out of this.
00:07:54.099 --> 00:07:55.531
Want silk? Now you can buy it from China
00:07:55.531 --> 00:07:59.374
They just made a brand new road to the world
00:07:59.374 --> 00:08:03.080
Or you can get there on water.
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Sick new trade routes said India
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Accidently spreading their religion to the
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entire southeast.
00:08:06.824 --> 00:08:07.913
Hmm that's a good place for an epic
00:08:07.913 --> 00:08:08.661
trading kingdom
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There goes buddhism traveling up the silk road
00:08:10.717 --> 00:08:11.931
I wonder if it will reach China before it
00:08:11.931 --> 00:08:12.758
collapses again.
00:08:12.758 --> 00:08:14.405
Remember the Persian empire? Yup said the
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Persians, making a new one.
00:08:15.588 --> 00:08:17.169
Axum is getting so powerful they would like
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to build a long stick.
00:08:18.859 --> 00:08:20.079
Has anyone populated Madagascar yet?
00:08:20.079 --> 00:08:21.756
Let's do it together.
00:08:21.756 --> 00:08:26.810
China is whole again...Then it broke again.
00:08:26.810 --> 00:08:29.077
Still can't cross the Sahara desert? Try Camels
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Hell yeah, now we've got business.
00:08:31.499 --> 00:08:33.469
Said the Ghana empire selling lots of gold
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and slaves.
00:08:34.116 --> 00:08:35.795
Hi, I live in the Roman empire and
00:08:35.795 --> 00:08:38.705
I was wondering, is loving Jesus legal yet?
00:08:38.705 --> 00:08:41.559
No. Actually, Okay sure says Constantine,
00:08:41.559 --> 00:08:43.173
moving the capital way over here to be
00:08:43.173 --> 00:08:44.473
closer to his main rival.
00:08:44.473 --> 00:08:46.003
Don't worry about Rome, it won't fall.
00:08:46.003 --> 00:08:50.680
It's the golden age of India
00:08:50.680 --> 00:08:52.070
There's the Gupta empire, not to be confused
00:08:52.086 --> 00:08:53.506
with Chandragupta, just Gupta.
00:08:53.516 --> 00:08:55.596
first name Chandra.
00:08:55.596 --> 00:08:57.106
Guess who's in Rome? barbarians.
00:08:57.106 --> 00:08:58.932
What's a barbarian? Non Romans said the Romans
00:08:58.932 --> 00:09:01.387
being invaded by non Romans. RIP Roman empire
00:09:01.387 --> 00:09:02.579
Or actually just half of it.
00:09:02.579 --> 00:09:03.674
The other half is just fine but it's
00:09:03.674 --> 00:09:05.059
not in Rome anymore so let's give
00:09:05.059 --> 00:09:05.677
it a new name.
00:09:05.677 --> 00:09:08.967
The Mayans have figured out the stars
00:09:08.967 --> 00:09:11.659
Oh and here's a huge city, population everyone
00:09:11.659 --> 00:09:14.201
Göktürks have taken over the entire Eurasian Step
00:09:14.201 --> 00:09:16.252
Great job Göktürks. How's India? Broken.
00:09:16.252 --> 00:09:18.401
How's China? back together
00:09:18.401 --> 00:09:20.161
How's those trading kingdoms? Bigger and
00:09:20.161 --> 00:09:21.462
there's more of them.
00:09:21.462 --> 00:09:23.152
Korea has 3 kingdoms. Japan has a kingdom,
00:09:23.152 --> 00:09:24.770
it's the sunrise kingdom.
00:09:24.770 --> 00:09:26.601
Deep in the Arabian desert on a top
00:09:26.601 --> 00:09:28.203
of a mountain, the real god whispers in
00:09:28.203 --> 00:09:29.897
Muhammed's ear, so he goes down to the
00:09:29.897 --> 00:09:31.524
cube where everyone worships gods and he
00:09:31.524 --> 00:09:32.622
tells them your gods are all fake and
00:09:32.622 --> 00:09:34.854
everyone got so mad he had to leave town
00:09:34.854 --> 00:09:36.238
and go to a different town. You could
00:09:36.238 --> 00:09:37.427
make a religion out of this. Maybe conquer
00:09:37.427 --> 00:09:38.293
the world as well.
00:09:38.293 --> 00:09:40.414
The Roman empire is long gone but somehow
00:09:40.414 --> 00:09:41.874
the Pope is still the Pope. Plus there's
00:09:41.874 --> 00:09:43.994
new kingdoms all over Europe. I wonder if
00:09:43.994 --> 00:09:45.620
there's room for Moors.
00:09:45.620 --> 00:09:47.454
Here's all the wisdom, in a house. It's
00:09:47.454 --> 00:09:49.202
the Baghdad House of Wisdom. Just in time
00:09:49.202 --> 00:09:51.247
for the Islamic golden age.
00:09:51.247 --> 00:09:52.921
Let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it
00:09:52.921 --> 00:09:54.629
and become the Swahili on the Swahili coast
00:09:54.629 --> 00:09:56.180
said the Swahili on the Swahili coast.
00:09:56.180 --> 00:09:57.831
Remember this tiny space you have to go
00:09:57.831 --> 00:09:58.869
through to get from here to there?
00:09:58.869 --> 00:10:00.667
Someone owns that now. Wanna get enlightened
00:10:00.667 --> 00:10:01.420
in the middle of nowhere?
00:10:01.420 --> 00:10:02.809
The Franks have the biggest kingdom in Europe
00:10:02.809 --> 00:10:04.647
The Pope is so proud that he invites the king
00:10:04.647 --> 00:10:06.110
over for Christmas. Surprise, you're the
00:10:06.110 --> 00:10:07.667
new Roman emperor said the Pope, pretending
00:10:07.667 --> 00:10:08.943
to still be part of the Roman empire.
00:10:08.943 --> 00:10:10.460
Then the Franks broke their kingdom into
00:10:10.460 --> 00:10:11.609
what will later be called France and
00:10:11.609 --> 00:10:12.269
not France
00:10:12.269 --> 00:10:13.946
The northerners or just the Norse if you
00:10:13.946 --> 00:10:15.282
don't have much time are exploreing.
00:10:15.282 --> 00:10:16.912
They go North, from the North to
00:10:16.912 --> 00:10:18.232
the northern North and they find some land
00:10:18.232 --> 00:10:21.084
Two types of land, and name them accordingly
00:10:21.084 --> 00:10:22.637
They also invade some other places and get
00:10:22.637 --> 00:10:24.137
called many names such as Vikings.
00:10:24.137 --> 00:10:25.903
There's the Rus, the Kievan Rus
00:10:25.903 --> 00:10:27.684
Are they vikings? I don't think so said
00:10:27.684 --> 00:10:29.109
the Kievan Rus. Ok fair enough.
00:10:29.109 --> 00:10:30.378
The Pope is ready to make some
00:10:30.378 --> 00:10:32.296
more emperors of the Roman empire. The
00:10:32.296 --> 00:10:33.967
Holy Roman empire. It's actually Germany
00:10:33.967 --> 00:10:35.548
but don't worry about it. New Kingdoms.
00:10:35.548 --> 00:10:37.366
Christianize all the kingdoms. Which brand
00:10:37.366 --> 00:10:38.367
would you like? Mine's better, mine's better
00:10:38.367 --> 00:10:38.952
mine's better.
00:10:38.952 --> 00:10:40.558
Time to conquer England said William.
00:10:40.558 --> 00:10:42.799
It's a bird, it's a plane it's the Seljuk Turks
00:10:42.799 --> 00:10:44.599
ahh said the Byzantine empire who's getting
00:10:44.599 --> 00:10:46.087
so small it almost doesn't exist anymore.
00:10:46.087 --> 00:10:47.625
We need help. They need help so they call
00:10:47.625 --> 00:10:49.039
the Pope. Hey Pope, can you help us get
00:10:49.039 --> 00:10:50.212
rid of the Seljuks, maybe take back the Holy
00:10:50.212 --> 00:10:51.558
Land on the way? Come on, I know you
00:10:51.558 --> 00:10:53.147
want to take back the Holy Land. Yes I do
00:10:53.147 --> 00:10:54.702
actually want to do that. Lets do a crusade.
00:10:54.702 --> 00:10:56.875
Crusade! They did many Crusades, some of which
00:10:56.875 --> 00:10:58.349
almost didn't fail. But at least the Italians
00:10:58.349 --> 00:10:59.493
got some sweet trade deals.
00:10:59.493 --> 00:11:02.174
Good bye Mayans, hello Toltecs. Goodbye
00:11:02.174 --> 00:11:04.646
Toltecs. Hello Mississippi. Look at those
00:11:04.646 --> 00:11:06.420
mounds. There's the Pueblo, I always wondered
00:11:06.420 --> 00:11:07.755
how to build a town in a cliff.
00:11:07.755 --> 00:11:09.751
Guess who's here? Khmer. Where? Here.
00:11:09.751 --> 00:11:11.594
And Pagan is there. Vietnam unconquered
00:11:11.594 --> 00:11:13.472
itself. Korea just became itself and Japan
00:11:13.472 --> 00:11:15.047
is so addicted to art that the military
00:11:15.047 --> 00:11:16.117
might have to take over the government.
00:11:16.117 --> 00:11:18.247
China just invented bombs and typing.
00:11:18.247 --> 00:11:19.833
And the Mongols just invaded most of
00:11:19.833 --> 00:11:21.928
the universe. Nice going Genghis. I bet
00:11:21.928 --> 00:11:23.626
that will last a long time.
00:11:23.626 --> 00:11:25.048
Some of the Islamic Turks were unaffected
00:11:25.048 --> 00:11:26.680
by the Mongol invasion because they were
00:11:26.680 --> 00:11:27.584
busy invading India.
00:11:27.584 --> 00:11:31.575
Is it Tonga time? I think it's Tonga time.
00:11:31.575 --> 00:11:32.837
I just found out where the Swahili gets
00:11:32.837 --> 00:11:33.590
all their gold.
00:11:33.590 --> 00:11:35.279
Look at this chad, it means lake. There's
00:11:35.279 --> 00:11:38.475
an empire there. Right in the middle of Africa
00:11:38.475 --> 00:11:39.967
The king of Mali is so rich he's going
00:11:39.967 --> 00:11:41.080
on tour to let everyone know.
00:11:41.080 --> 00:11:42.654
Wow that guy's rich everyone said.
00:11:42.654 --> 00:11:44.039
The Chistians are doing a great job
00:11:44.039 --> 00:11:45.872
reconquering Iberia which will soon be
00:11:45.872 --> 00:11:47.430
called Spain and not Spain. Please remain
00:11:47.430 --> 00:11:48.839
Christian, we will check in later to see
00:11:48.839 --> 00:11:50.084
if you're still Christian when you least
00:11:50.084 --> 00:11:52.199
expect. Whoops half of Europe just died.
00:11:52.199 --> 00:11:55.103
China's back, yay. Hey Khmer, time to share.
00:11:55.103 --> 00:11:57.059
New Kingdoms, here and there. Oh look who
00:11:57.059 --> 00:11:59.264
controls all the islands. It's the Mahajapit.
00:11:59.264 --> 00:12:02.873
Majahapit, Mapajahit, Mahapajit, Mapajahit
00:12:02.873 --> 00:12:05.884
Majapahit?
00:12:05.884 --> 00:12:07.734
Oh Italy is really rich, time to care a lot
00:12:07.734 --> 00:12:09.033
about art and the ancient classics
00:12:09.033 --> 00:12:10.478
It's kinda like a rebirth.
00:12:10.478 --> 00:12:12.023
Here's a printer, lets make books.
00:12:12.023 --> 00:12:13.340
So you think you can conquer
00:12:13.340 --> 00:12:14.118
the Byzantine Empire?
00:12:14.118 --> 00:12:15.356
Yep, said the Ottoman turks.
00:12:15.356 --> 00:12:16.966
Nice job, Ottoman Turks. Oops,
00:12:16.966 --> 00:12:17.635
You missed a spot.
00:12:17.635 --> 00:12:18.449
Don't forget to ban Europe
00:12:18.449 --> 00:12:19.427
from the Indian spice trade.
00:12:19.427 --> 00:12:21.757
"What? That's bullshit!" said Portugal, spiceless.
00:12:21.757 --> 00:12:25.208
♪Well I guess we'll have to find another way♪
00:12:25.208 --> 00:12:28.793
♪to India♪ "Wait!" said Christopher Columbus,
00:12:28.793 --> 00:12:29.927
probably smoking crack.
00:12:29.927 --> 00:12:31.928
If the world is round, let's go this way to India!
00:12:31.928 --> 00:12:33.116
"No, don't worry, we already got this."
00:12:33.116 --> 00:12:34.655
said Portugal. So Chris goes to Spain.
00:12:34.655 --> 00:12:36.111
Hey Spain, wanna hire me to find India
00:12:36.111 --> 00:12:37.308
by going around back of the world?
00:12:37.308 --> 00:12:39.950
No. Please? No. Please? No. Please? OK.
00:12:39.950 --> 00:12:42.399
So he sails into the ocean, and discovers
00:12:42.399 --> 00:12:44.176
more ocean. And then discovers the Indies
00:12:44.176 --> 00:12:46.819
and Japan. Let's draw a line to decide
00:12:46.819 --> 00:12:47.629
who gets which half of the world.
00:12:47.629 --> 00:12:50.241
The Aztec and Inca empires are off to a great start.
00:12:50.241 --> 00:12:51.499
I wonder if they know that Europe just
00:12:51.499 --> 00:12:52.392
discovered their continent.
00:12:52.392 --> 00:12:54.260
The Hapsburgs are marrying into so many
00:12:54.260 --> 00:12:55.451
royal families, they might have to start
00:12:55.451 --> 00:12:57.274
marrying each-other. Move over, Lithuania!
00:12:57.274 --> 00:12:58.963
Here comes Moscow! Ivan wants to make
00:12:58.963 --> 00:13:00.711
Russia great again. Move over, Timurids!
00:13:00.711 --> 00:13:02.182
Maybe go invade India or something.
00:13:02.182 --> 00:13:03.923
Persia just made Persia Persian again.
00:13:03.923 --> 00:13:05.470
Let's make it the other kind of Islam.
00:13:05.470 --> 00:13:06.785
The one where we thought the first guy
00:13:06.785 --> 00:13:07.794
should've been the other guy.
00:13:07.794 --> 00:13:09.257
Hey, Christians! Do you sin?
00:13:09.257 --> 00:13:10.754
Now you can buy your way out of hell!
00:13:10.754 --> 00:13:12.497
"That's bullshit. This whole thing is bullshit."
00:13:12.497 --> 00:13:13.835
"That's a scam. Fuck the church. "
00:13:13.835 --> 00:13:15.851
"Here's 95 reasons why. " said Martin Luther
00:13:15.851 --> 00:13:17.035
in his new book which might have
00:13:17.035 --> 00:13:18.578
accidentally started the Protestant Reformation.
00:13:18.578 --> 00:13:19.845
"You know what will be magnificent?"
00:13:19.845 --> 00:13:21.288
said Suliman, wearing an onion hat.
00:13:21.288 --> 00:13:23.143
What if the Ottoman Empire was really big,
00:13:23.143 --> 00:13:24.859
which it is now. "What if Russia was big?"
00:13:24.859 --> 00:13:26.570
said Ivan, trying not to be terrible.
00:13:26.570 --> 00:13:28.227
Portugal had a dream that they controlled
00:13:28.227 --> 00:13:29.758
the entire Indian Ocean, including the
00:13:29.758 --> 00:13:31.980
spice trade. And then that dream was real.
00:13:31.980 --> 00:13:33.922
And Spain realized that this is not India,
00:13:33.922 --> 00:13:35.820
but they pillaged it anyway. "Damn,"
00:13:35.820 --> 00:13:36.648
said England and France.
00:13:36.648 --> 00:13:37.842
"We gotta start pillaging some stuff."
00:13:37.842 --> 00:13:39.321
Then the Dutch revolt, and all the hipsters
00:13:39.321 --> 00:13:41.238
move to Amsterdam. "Damn," said Amsterdam.
00:13:41.238 --> 00:13:43.210
"We gotta start pillaging some stuff."
00:13:43.210 --> 00:13:45.168
Question 1, can you get to India through
00:13:45.168 --> 00:13:46.960
North America? No, but at least there's beaver.
00:13:46.960 --> 00:13:48.498
Question 2, steal the spice trade.
00:13:48.498 --> 00:13:49.830
That's not a question, but the Dutch
00:13:49.830 --> 00:13:51.826
did it anyway. ♪Sugar♪
00:13:51.826 --> 00:13:52.688
Guess where all the sugar's made?
00:13:52.688 --> 00:13:54.609
In Brazil! Stolen! In the Caribbean!
00:13:54.609 --> 00:13:56.236
And it's so goddamn profitable, you might
00:13:56.236 --> 00:13:57.311
forget to not do slavery.
00:13:57.311 --> 00:13:58.869
The next thing on Russia's to-do list
00:13:58.869 --> 00:14:00.327
is to get bigger. Britain and France
00:14:00.327 --> 00:14:01.370
are having a friendly discussion about
00:14:01.370 --> 00:14:02.848
who should control the entire world.
00:14:02.848 --> 00:14:04.977
More specifically, Ohio. Then it escalates
00:14:04.977 --> 00:14:06.198
into a seven year discussion,
00:14:06.198 --> 00:14:07.948
giving Prussia a chance to show Austria
00:14:07.948 --> 00:14:09.391
who's boss. But what about Britain and France?
00:14:09.391 --> 00:14:10.974
Did they figure out who's boss? Yes they did!
00:14:10.974 --> 00:14:12.921
It's Britain. Guess who's broke? Also Britain.
00:14:12.921 --> 00:14:14.531
So they start taxing the hell out of America.
00:14:14.531 --> 00:14:16.141
"Fuck you!" says America, declaring their
00:14:16.141 --> 00:14:17.328
independence, and fighting for it.
00:14:17.328 --> 00:14:18.814
And France helps them win.
00:14:18.814 --> 00:14:20.233
Now France is broke, and Britain will have to
00:14:20.233 --> 00:14:21.933
send their prisoners to a different continent.
00:14:21.933 --> 00:14:23.820
Wait, if France is broke, why do the King
00:14:23.820 --> 00:14:25.206
and Queen still wear such fancy dresses?
00:14:25.206 --> 00:14:26.451
"Let's overthrow the palace"
00:14:26.451 --> 00:14:27.783
"and cut all their heads off!" said Robespierre,
00:14:27.783 --> 00:14:29.265
cutting everybody's head off until someone
00:14:29.265 --> 00:14:30.700
eventually got mad and cut his head off.
00:14:30.700 --> 00:14:31.996
You could make a reli- No, don't.
00:14:31.996 --> 00:14:33.890
Haiti is starting to like the idea
00:14:33.890 --> 00:14:35.149
of a revolution. Especially the slaves who
00:14:35.149 --> 00:14:36.437
free themselves by killing their masters.
00:14:36.437 --> 00:14:38.010
"Why didn't we think of this before?"
00:14:38.010 --> 00:14:39.488
Wait, who's in charge of France now?
00:14:39.488 --> 00:14:41.473
♪"Me"♪ said Napoleon, trying to take over
00:14:41.473 --> 00:14:42.685
Europe. Luckily they banished him
00:14:42.685 --> 00:14:44.555
to an island. ♪But he came back♪
00:14:44.555 --> 00:14:45.926
Luckily, they banished him to another island.
00:14:45.926 --> 00:14:48.219
There goes Latin America, becoming independent
00:14:48.219 --> 00:14:49.819
in the Latin American wars of independence.
00:14:49.819 --> 00:14:51.437
Britain just figured out how to turn steam
00:14:51.437 --> 00:14:52.749
into power so now they can make
00:14:52.749 --> 00:14:54.457
♪many different types of machines♪
00:14:54.457 --> 00:14:57.014
♪and factories with machines in them♪
00:14:57.014 --> 00:14:59.593
♪so they can make a lot of products♪
00:14:59.593 --> 00:15:02.747
♪real fast♪ Then they invent some trains.
00:15:02.747 --> 00:15:04.165
And conquer India and maybe put some
00:15:04.165 --> 00:15:05.711
trains there. "Hey, China!" said Britain.
00:15:05.711 --> 00:15:07.383
"Buy stuff from us!" "Nah, dude we already
00:15:07.383 --> 00:15:08.451
"got everything." Says China.
00:15:08.451 --> 00:15:09.699
So Britain tried to get them addicted to
00:15:09.699 --> 00:15:11.742
Opium. Which worked actually. Then China
00:15:11.742 --> 00:15:13.353
made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea.
00:15:13.353 --> 00:15:14.962
So Britain threw a hissy fit and made them
00:15:14.962 --> 00:15:16.521
open up five cities and give them an island.
00:15:16.521 --> 00:15:18.066
Britain and Russia are playing a game where
00:15:18.066 --> 00:15:19.352
they try to stop each other from conquering
00:15:19.352 --> 00:15:22.354
Afghanistan. Also, ♪the Sultan of Oman♪
00:15:22.354 --> 00:15:24.183
♪lives in Zanzibar now♪
00:15:24.183 --> 00:15:25.645
That's just where he lives.
00:15:25.645 --> 00:15:27.405
India just had a revolution, and they
00:15:27.405 --> 00:15:28.494
would like to govern themselves now.
00:15:28.494 --> 00:15:30.346
"Nope." said Britain, governing them even harder
00:15:30.346 --> 00:15:34.465
than before. [electric beeping]
00:15:34.465 --> 00:15:37.039
♪Technology is about to go crazy♪
00:15:37.039 --> 00:15:38.829
The United States finally figured out
00:15:38.829 --> 00:15:40.096
whether slavery is good or bad.
00:15:40.096 --> 00:15:41.678
"It's bad." they decided. And then they
00:15:41.678 --> 00:15:43.388
continued manifesting their destiny,
00:15:43.388 --> 00:15:44.288
which is to kill the rest of the natives
00:15:44.288 --> 00:15:45.576
and take their land and maybe kick out
00:15:45.576 --> 00:15:46.241
the Mexicans too.
00:15:46.241 --> 00:15:48.474
I know let's rape Africa said Europe
00:15:48.474 --> 00:15:50.135
scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest
00:15:50.135 --> 00:15:51.906
They never got to Ethiopia
00:15:51.906 --> 00:15:53.361
Britain and France are still hungry.
00:15:53.361 --> 00:15:54.747
They never got Thailand
00:15:54.747 --> 00:15:56.178
The United States finally ran out of
00:15:56.178 --> 00:15:57.392
destiney to manifest so they're looking
00:15:57.392 --> 00:15:59.494
for more. Hawaii. Cuba.
00:15:59.494 --> 00:16:01.530
Wait Spain controls Cuba. Well blame
00:16:01.530 --> 00:16:02.712
something on them and go to war
00:16:02.712 --> 00:16:04.691
What should we blame on Spain? Let's blame
00:16:04.691 --> 00:16:05.433
the Maine on Spain.
00:16:05.433 --> 00:16:06.642
So they blamed the Maine on Spain.
00:16:06.642 --> 00:16:08.733
Now we're in business. To celebrate they
00:16:08.733 --> 00:16:10.214
kicked Panama out of Panama and made a
00:16:10.214 --> 00:16:11.783
canal connecting the two oceans.
00:16:11.783 --> 00:16:13.610
Britain just found oil in the middle east.
00:16:13.610 --> 00:16:15.162
It makes cars go.
00:16:15.162 --> 00:16:16.753
China is so tired of being bossed around
00:16:16.753 --> 00:16:18.223
that they delete their old government and
00:16:18.223 --> 00:16:19.468
make a new stronger government. Which is
00:16:19.468 --> 00:16:21.281
accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy
00:16:21.281 --> 00:16:22.374
from the previous government.
00:16:22.374 --> 00:16:24.091
Europe hasn't had a war since the last war
00:16:24.091 --> 00:16:25.921
So they start World War One. Look at those
00:16:25.921 --> 00:16:28.034
guns. It's going to be a great war. So great
00:16:28.034 --> 00:16:29.121
we won't need a second one.
00:16:29.121 --> 00:16:30.454
After it's over they blame Germany.
00:16:30.454 --> 00:16:32.572
Russia went on strike and the workers
00:16:32.572 --> 00:16:33.554
overthrew the government. Now everyone's
00:16:33.554 --> 00:16:35.483
paycheck is the same. Communism in the
00:16:35.483 --> 00:16:38.005
Soviet Union. The Arabs revolt and Britain
00:16:38.005 --> 00:16:39.541
helps. Now the Ottoman empire is gone so
00:16:39.541 --> 00:16:42.119
we can give the Jewish people a place to
00:16:42.119 --> 00:16:44.172
live. Hopefully the Arabs won't mind.
00:16:44.172 --> 00:16:46.061
Let's cut the cake said Sykes and Picot,
00:16:46.061 --> 00:16:47.076
carving up the remains of
00:16:47.076 --> 00:16:48.659
the not-so-otoman-anymore empire
00:16:48.659 --> 00:16:52.209
Except Turkey makes a brand new Turkey
00:16:52.209 --> 00:16:53.787
And then the Saudi conquer Arabia because
00:16:53.787 --> 00:16:55.131
it just seemed like the right thing to do.
00:16:55.131 --> 00:16:57.610
Ringing sound Hello? Yes, it's the 1920s
00:16:57.610 --> 00:16:59.570
calling. Let's get into a car and drive to a party
00:16:59.570 --> 00:17:01.276
and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the
00:17:01.276 --> 00:17:01.737
movies.
00:17:01.737 --> 00:17:02.938
The economy is great and it will probably
00:17:02.938 --> 00:17:03.788
be great forever. Just kidding.
00:17:03.788 --> 00:17:05.280
Germany's back featuring Hitler,
00:17:05.280 --> 00:17:07.186
the angry mustache model and he's mad
00:17:07.186 --> 00:17:08.136
at the Jews for existing
00:17:08.136 --> 00:17:10.217
Japan has finally conquered the east and
00:17:10.217 --> 00:17:11.998
their so excited they rape Nanking way too
00:17:11.998 --> 00:17:13.256
hard, they should probably just deny it.
00:17:13.256 --> 00:17:14.877
Hitler is out of control so the international
00:17:14.877 --> 00:17:16.559
community tackles him and tries to explain
00:17:16.559 --> 00:17:18.223
why killing all the jews is a bad idea.
00:17:18.223 --> 00:17:19.630
But he kills himself before they could
00:17:19.630 --> 00:17:20.370
explain it to him.
00:17:20.370 --> 00:17:22.047
That's World War Two.
00:17:22.047 --> 00:17:23.673
Bonus Round. Pacific Showdown.
00:17:23.673 --> 00:17:26.385
United States vs. Japan. Fight.
00:17:28.095 --> 00:17:29.540
Finish Him.
00:17:30.080 --> 00:17:31.174
Let's unite all the nations and have some
00:17:31.174 --> 00:17:32.658
World Peace. Seems Legit.
00:17:32.658 --> 00:17:34.292
Hi I'm Gandhi and if Britain doesn't
00:17:34.292 --> 00:17:35.699
get the hell out of India then I'm going
00:17:35.699 --> 00:17:36.673
to starve myself in public.
00:17:36.673 --> 00:17:37.993
Wow that worked?
00:17:37.993 --> 00:17:39.796
Bonus, now there's Pakistan. Actually
00:17:39.796 --> 00:17:41.399
two Pakistans. One of them can be Bangladesh
00:17:41.399 --> 00:17:41.846
later.
00:17:41.846 --> 00:17:43.270
The Jews and the Arabs finally figured out
00:17:43.270 --> 00:17:44.490
which one of them should live in
00:17:44.490 --> 00:17:45.875
the Holy Land. Me! They both said at the
00:17:45.875 --> 00:17:47.680
same time. Let's divide up the land so
00:17:47.680 --> 00:17:48.424
everyone's happy.
00:17:48.424 --> 00:17:50.595
Sike, they both get angrier.
00:17:50.595 --> 00:17:51.980
Look out China, there's a new China.
00:17:51.980 --> 00:17:53.918
What's on the menu? Communism!
00:17:53.918 --> 00:17:55.466
No thanks, said the other China escaping
00:17:55.466 --> 00:17:57.138
to an island. I wonder which one is the
00:17:57.138 --> 00:17:57.599
real China.
00:17:57.599 --> 00:17:59.476
There's the Korean war. Korea vs. Korea
00:17:59.476 --> 00:18:01.329
Nobody wins, then it's on pause forever.
00:18:01.329 --> 00:18:02.976
Let's meet the sponsors. Oh it's the two
00:18:02.976 --> 00:18:04.419
global superpowers. They're having
00:18:04.419 --> 00:18:05.700
a friendly debate over which economic
00:18:05.700 --> 00:18:07.429
system is good and which one is an evil
00:18:07.429 --> 00:18:09.984
virus of Satan. And they both have Atom bombs.
00:18:09.984 --> 00:18:11.817
Fight! Wait no that would be the end
00:18:11.817 --> 00:18:13.253
of the world. Let's just keep it cool
00:18:13.253 --> 00:18:14.582
and spy on each other instead.
00:18:14.582 --> 00:18:16.581
And make sure we have enough atom bombs.
00:18:16.581 --> 00:18:19.771
Race you to space. Now let's make some more
00:18:19.771 --> 00:18:20.594
countries fight themselves.
00:18:20.594 --> 00:18:22.180
Europe is tired of pillaging other
00:18:22.180 --> 00:18:24.135
continents and the continents they
were pillaging are tired
00:18:24.135 --> 00:18:25.596
of being pillaged. So here's a new map
00:18:25.596 --> 00:18:26.838
with new countries. Now you can't tell
00:18:26.838 --> 00:18:27.710
who they're being pillaged by.
00:18:27.710 --> 00:18:29.354
The united states finally decided whether
00:18:29.354 --> 00:18:31.482
racism is good or bad. They decided it's bad.
00:18:31.482 --> 00:18:33.128
and the world agrees. South Africa might
00:18:33.128 --> 00:18:34.535
need another minute to think about it.
00:18:34.535 --> 00:18:37.346
Let's check the world population. Woah. Okay
00:18:37.346 --> 00:18:39.584
Technology is better too. That might keep
00:18:39.584 --> 00:18:41.114
happening. The Soviet Union decides to
00:18:41.114 --> 00:18:42.965
relax a little and accidently falls apart.
00:18:42.965 --> 00:18:44.765
Europe makes a union so now they can
00:18:44.765 --> 00:18:45.547
all use the same money.
00:18:45.547 --> 00:18:47.165
Except Britain because the don't feel like it.
00:18:47.165 --> 00:18:49.376
Check the mail. Surprise! it's on the computer.
00:18:49.376 --> 00:18:51.040
Whoops someone just attacked America.
00:18:51.040 --> 00:18:52.486
And America, I bet they'll remember that.
00:18:52.486 --> 00:18:54.019
Phone call. Surprise! It's in your pocket
00:18:54.019 --> 00:18:55.289
Wanna learn everything? Surprise!
00:18:55.289 --> 00:18:56.767
It's on the computer. Now your phone's a
00:18:56.767 --> 00:18:57.847
computer which is in your pocket.
00:18:57.847 --> 00:18:59.173
Whoops the economy just crashed.
00:18:59.173 --> 00:19:00.879
Don't worry the big banks won't fail
00:19:00.879 --> 00:19:02.148
because they're not supposed to.
00:19:02.148 --> 00:19:04.937
Surprise! Flying robots. With bombs.
00:19:04.937 --> 00:19:06.099
Wanna print a brain?
00:19:06.099 --> 00:19:07.167
Some people have no friends.
00:19:07.167 --> 00:19:08.435
Some people have no food.
00:19:08.435 --> 00:19:10.319
The globe is warming and the ocean
00:19:10.319 --> 00:19:12.600
is full of plastic.
00:19:12.600 --> 00:19:14.070
Let's save the planet said everybody
00:19:14.070 --> 00:19:14.797
not knowing how.
00:19:14.797 --> 00:19:16.941
Let's invent a thing inventor said the thing
00:19:16.941 --> 00:19:18.871
inventor after being invented by a thing
00:19:18.871 --> 00:19:19.912
inventor. That's pretty cool
00:19:19.912 --> 00:19:21.528
By the way, where the hell are we?