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Hi you're on a rock, floating in space. Pretty cool huh?
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Some of it's water.
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Fuck it, actually most of it is water.
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I can't even get from here to there
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without buying a boat.
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It's sad. I'm sad. I miss you
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How did this happen? A long time ago.
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Actually never. And also now.
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Nothing is nowhere. When? Never.
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Makes sense right?
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Like I said, it didn't happen.
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Nothing was never anywhere.
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That's why it's been everywhere
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It's been so everywhere you don't need a where.
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You don't even need a when.
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That's how every it gets...
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Forget this. I wanna be something.
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Go somewhere, do something. I want things to change.
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I want to invent time and space.
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And I know it's possible because everything
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is here and it probably already happened
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I just don't know when to start.
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And that's exactly when it started.
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Oh I paused it. I think there's a universe now
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What's it made of?
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quarks & stuff.
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Ah that's a thing, in a place. Don't like it?
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Try a new place. At a different time.
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Try to stick together because
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the world is going to get bigger and emptier.
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It's not empty yet. It's still very full,
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and about a kjghpillion degress
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Great news, the quarks are happily married
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in groups of three, called a proton or neutron
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And there's something flying around too
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that wants to join in but it can't
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because it's too hot.
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Great news! The protons and neutrons are
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now happily married to each other.
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Some even doubled up.
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Great news the electrons have now joined in
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Congratulations. The world is now a bunch
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of gas in space.
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But it's getting closer together.
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And it's getting closer together
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And it's getting closer toget..
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It's a star!
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New shit just got made.
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Some stars burn out and die.
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Bigger starts burn out and die with passion
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and make some brand new, way crazier shit.
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Space dust
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which allows newer and more interesting stars
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to be made and die and explode and make
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even crazier space dust.
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So now stars have cool stuff around them.
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Like rocks, ice and funny clouds
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which can make some very interesting things.
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Like this ball of flaming rock for example.
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Holy shit, we just got hit with another
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ball of flaming rocks. and it kinda
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made a mess which is now the moon.
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Weather update, it's raining rocks
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from outer space
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weather update, those rocks may have had
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water inside them and now there's hot
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steam in the sky.
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Weather update, cooler temperatures today
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and the floor is now no longer lava.
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Weather update, it's raining
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Severe flooding alert, the entire world
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is now an ocean.
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Volcano alert
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that's land
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inaudible what?
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Something's alive in the ocean.
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Oh cool, like a plant or an animal? no
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A microscopic speck. It lives at the bottom
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of the ocean and eats chemical soup
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which is being served hot and fresh, made
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from gnarly space ingredients left over
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from when it was raining rocks or whatever.
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Oh yea, and it can do that.
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It has secret instructions written inside
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itself telling how to build another
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one of itself. So that's pretty nifty I would say.
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Tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
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Now you can eat sunlight.
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Using a revolutionary technique, you can
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convert sunlight into food. Taste the sun
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Side effect, now there's oxygen everywhere
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and the sky is blue.
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Then the earth might have been a snowball
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for a while. Maybe even a couple of times.
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It's a sponge. It's a plant. It's a worm
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and some other weird types of water bugs,
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and some strange fish
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It's the Cambrian explosion.
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Wow that's animals and stuff.
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But we're still in the ocean. Hey can we
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go on land?
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No. Why?
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The sun is a deadly lazer.
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Okay.
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Not anymore there's a blanket.
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Now the animals can go on land.
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Come on animals, let's go on land.
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Nope can't walk yet.
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and there's no food so I don't care
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Okay, will you learn to walk if
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there's plants up here?
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maybe said some bugs. and fish.
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Okay so I can go on land, but
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I have to go back into the water to have
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babies
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Learn to use an egg.
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I was already doing that.
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Use a stronger egg. Put water in it.
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Have a baby, on land, in an egg.
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Water is in the egg. Baby is in the egg
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In water in the egg. Works for me.
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Bye bye, ocean.
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Aaand now everything is huge. Including bugs
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Wanna see a map of the land? Sure
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Oh fuck, now everything is dead.
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Just kidding here are the survivers
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Keep your eye on this one because it's
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about to become the dinosaur.
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Here's another map of the land.
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Yea it broke apart, don't worry about that
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It does it all the time
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Here comes a meteor.
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And the dinosaurs are gone
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It's mammel time, here come the mammels
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Look at those breasts. Now they're going
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to dominate the world.
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And one of them just found out how to
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grab stuff. And walk. No like walk like that.
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And grab stuff at the same time
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and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks
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Ouch. and set things on fire. yeouch
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And make crazy sounds with their voice
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gneurshk, which can mean different things.
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That's a human person. And now they're
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everywhere. Almost
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Ice age. What you can walk over here? cool.
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Not anymore. I guess we're stuck here now.
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Let's review, there's people on the planet.
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And they're chasing their food
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Fuck it. Time to plant some grass.
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Look at this, I control the food now
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Now everyone will want to be my friend
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and live near me. Lets all build houses
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except mine is bigger because I own the food
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This is great, I wonder if anyone else
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is doing this
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Tired of using rocks for everything?
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Use metal. It's underground
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Better farming was just invented.
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In a sweet dank valley right between
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these two rivers. And the animals are helping.
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Guess what happens next.
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More food and more people
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Here to buy the food.
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Now you need more people to help make the food
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And to keep track of the sales
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And now you need houses for people to live
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in and people to make the houses.
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And now there's more people and they invent
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things. Makes things better and more people
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come and there's more farming
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and more people to make more things for
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more people. and now there's buisness
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Money. Writing. Laws. Power. Society
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Coming soon to a dank river valley
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near you.
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Meanwhile out in the middle of nowhere
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The horse is probably being tamed.
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Why is all my metal so lame and lumpy
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Tired of using lame, sad metal?
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Introducing BRONZE made with special ingrediant
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Tin from the far lands of tinland
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I don't know, my dealer won't tell me
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where he gets it
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Also guess what, Egypt.
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Meanwhile in the middle of nowhere
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They figured out how to put wheels on a horse
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Now we're getting somewhere
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Also China and did I mention
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Indus river valley civilization
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Norte Chico
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Middle east is getting more complicated
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Maybe it's because it's
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in the middle of the east.
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Knock, knock or clop clop.
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It's the people with the horses and they
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made an empire and everyone else
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copied their horses
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Greeks. Ah look it must be Greeks.
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Or a beta version of the greeks.
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Let's check in the the
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indus river valley civilization.
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They're gone. Guess who's not gone.
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China.
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New arrivals in India. Maybe it's those horse people
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or something like that. Maybe it's their cousins
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And they wrote some hymns, & mantras
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and stuff. We could make
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a religion out of this.
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Here's the bronze age collapse
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Now the phoenicians can get down to business
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Also can we switch to a metal that's a
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little easier to find? Thanks
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Look who came back to Israel.
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It's the 12 tribes of Israel. And they
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believe in God. Just one though he's
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got like a 10-step program
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Here's some huge heads, must be the Olmecs
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The Phoenicians make some colonies.
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The Greeks copied their idea and make some
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colonies. The Phoenicians made a colony
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so big it makes colonies.
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Here comes the Assyrian empire. Nevermind
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It's the Babylonian..Media..It's the Persian Empire
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Wow, that's big
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Ah the Buddha was just enlightened.
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Who's the Buddha? This guy.
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Who sat under a tree for so long he figured
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out how to ignore the fact that we're
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all dying. You could make a religion
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out of this
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Whops, China just broke. But while it
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was breaking Confucius just figured out
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how to have good morals
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Ahh the Greeks just had the idea of thinking
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about stuff. And right over here, Alexander
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just had the idea of conquering
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the entire Persian Empire. It's a great idea
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He was great. And now he's dead.
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Hopefully the rest of the gang will be able
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to share the empire evenly between them.
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Knock, knock it's Chandragupta and he says
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get the hell out of here. Will you get the
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hell out of here if I give you 500
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elephants? Ok thanks, bye
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Time to conquer all of India...or most of
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India. But what about this part?
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That's the Tamil kings. No one controls
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the Tamil kings. Who are the Tamil kings?
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Merchants probably. And they've got spices
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Who would like to buy the spices?
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Me! said the Arabians. Swiftly buying it
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and selling it to the rest of the world.
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Hey China put itself back together again
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With good morals as their main philosophy.
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Actually they have three main philosopies
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Out here, the horse nomads run wild and free
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but they would like to ransack your cities.
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Let's check the greekification levels of
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the greekified kingdoms. Greekification
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overload. Bye said the Parthians.
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Bye said the Jews. Hi said the Parthians
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taking over the entire place.
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Heyy said the Roman, eating the entire
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Mediterranean for breakfast.
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Thanks for invading out home land said
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the Jews who were starting to get tired
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of people invading their homeland
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Hi everything's great said some guy who seems
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to be getting very popular and is then arrested
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and killed for being too popular
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which only makes him more popular.
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You could make a religion out of this.
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Want silk? Now you can buy it from China
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They just made a brand new road to the world
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Or you can get there on water.
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Sick new trade routes said India
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Accidently spreading their religion to the
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entire southeast.
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Hmm that's a good place for an epic
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trading kingdom
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There goes buddhism traveling up the silk road
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I wonder if it will reach China before it
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collapses again.
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Remember the Persian empire? Yup said the
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Persians, making a new one.
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Axum is getting so powerful they would like
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to build a long stick.
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Has anyone populated Madagascar yet?
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Let's do it together.
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China is whole again...Then it broke again.
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Still can't cross the Sahara desert? Try Camels
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Hell yeah, now we've got business.
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Said the Ghana empire selling lots of gold
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and slaves.
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Hi, I live in the Roman empire and
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I was wondering, is loving Jesus legal yet?
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No. Actually, Okay sure says Constantine,
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moving the capital way over here to be
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closer to his main rival.
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Don't worry about Rome, it won't fall.
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It's the golden age of India
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There's the Gupta empire, not to be confused
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with Chandragupta, just Gupta.
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first name Chandra.
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Guess who's in Rome? barbarians.
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What's a barbarian? Non Romans said the Romans
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being invaded by non Romans. RIP Roman empire
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Or actually just half of it.
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The other half is just fine but it's
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not in Rome anymore so let's give
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it a new name.
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The Mayans have figured out the stars
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Oh and here's a huge city, population everyone
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Göktürks have taken over the entire Eurasian Step
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Great job Göktürks. How's India? Broken.
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How's China? back together
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How's those trading kingdoms? Bigger and
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there's more of them.
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Korea has 3 kingdoms. Japan has a kingdom,
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it's the sunrise kingdom.
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Deep in the Arabian desert on a top
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of a mountain, the real god whispers in
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Muhammed's ear, so he goes down to the
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cube where everyone worships gods and he
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tells them your gods are all fake and
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everyone got so mad he had to leave town
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and go to a different town. You could
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make a religion out of this. Maybe conquer
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the world as well.
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The Roman empire is long gone but somehow
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the Pope is still the Pope. Plus there's
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new kingdoms all over Europe. I wonder if
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there's room for Moors.
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Here's all the wisdom, in a house. It's
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the Baghdad House of Wisdom. Just in time
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for the Islamic golden age.
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Let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it
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and become the Swahili on the Swahili coast
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said the Swahili on the Swahili coast.
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Remember this tiny space you have to go
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through to get from here to there?
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Someone owns that now. Wanna get enlightened
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in the middle of nowhere?
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The Franks have the biggest kingdom in Europe
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The Pope is so proud that he invites the king
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over for Christmas. Surprise, you're the
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new Roman emperor said the Pope, pretending
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to still be part of the Roman empire.
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Then the Franks broke their kingdom into
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what will later be called France and
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not France
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The northerners or just the Norse if you
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don't have much time are exploreing.
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They go North, from the North to
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the northern North and they find some land
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Two types of land, and name them accordingly
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They also invade some other places and get
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called many names such as Vikings.
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There's the Rus, the Kievan Rus
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Are they vikings? I don't think so said
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the Kievan Rus. Ok fair enough.
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The Pope is ready to make some
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more emperors of the Roman empire. The
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Holy Roman empire. It's actually Germany
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but don't worry about it. New Kingdoms.
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Christianize all the kingdoms. Which brand
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would you like? Mine's better, mine's better
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00:10:38,367 --> 00:10:38,952
mine's better.
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Time to conquer England said William.
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00:10:40,558 --> 00:10:42,799
It's a bird, it's a plane it's the Seljuk Turks
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00:10:42,799 --> 00:10:44,599
ahh said the Byzantine empire who's getting
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so small it almost doesn't exist anymore.
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We need help. They need help so they call
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the Pope. Hey Pope, can you help us get
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rid of the Seljuks, maybe take back the Holy
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Land on the way? Come on, I know you
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want to take back the Holy Land. Yes I do
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actually want to do that. Lets do a crusade.
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00:10:54,702 --> 00:10:56,875
Crusade! They did many Crusades, some of which
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almost didn't fail. But at least the Italians
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got some sweet trade deals.
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Good bye Mayans, hello Toltecs. Goodbye
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Toltecs. Hello Mississippi. Look at those
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00:11:04,646 --> 00:11:06,420
mounds. There's the Pueblo, I always wondered
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00:11:06,420 --> 00:11:07,755
how to build a town in a cliff.
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00:11:07,755 --> 00:11:09,751
Guess who's here? Khmer. Where? Here.
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And Pagan is there. Vietnam unconquered
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itself. Korea just became itself and Japan
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00:11:13,472 --> 00:11:15,047
is so addicted to art that the military
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00:11:15,047 --> 00:11:16,117
might have to take over the government.
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China just invented bombs and typing.
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00:11:18,247 --> 00:11:19,833
And the Mongols just invaded most of
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the universe. Nice going Genghis. I bet
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00:11:21,928 --> 00:11:23,626
that will last a long time.
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Some of the Islamic Turks were unaffected
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by the Mongol invasion because they were
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busy invading India.
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00:11:27,584 --> 00:11:31,575
Is it Tonga time? I think it's Tonga time.
400
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I just found out where the Swahili gets
401
00:11:32,837 --> 00:11:33,590
all their gold.
402
00:11:33,590 --> 00:11:35,279
Look at this chad, it means lake. There's
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an empire there. Right in the middle of Africa
404
00:11:38,475 --> 00:11:39,967
The king of Mali is so rich he's going
405
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on tour to let everyone know.
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Wow that guy's rich everyone said.
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00:11:42,654 --> 00:11:44,039
The Chistians are doing a great job
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reconquering Iberia which will soon be
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called Spain and not Spain. Please remain
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Christian, we will check in later to see
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if you're still Christian when you least
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00:11:50,084 --> 00:11:52,199
expect. Whoops half of Europe just died.
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China's back, yay. Hey Khmer, time to share.
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New Kingdoms, here and there. Oh look who
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controls all the islands. It's the Mahajapit.
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Majahapit, Mapajahit, Mahapajit, Mapajahit
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Majapahit?
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00:12:05,884 --> 00:12:07,734
Oh Italy is really rich, time to care a lot
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00:12:07,734 --> 00:12:09,033
about art and the ancient classics
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00:12:09,033 --> 00:12:10,478
It's kinda like a rebirth.
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Here's a printer, lets make books.
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So you think you can conquer
423
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the Byzantine Empire?
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Yep, said the Ottoman turks.
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Nice job, Ottoman Turks. Oops,
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You missed a spot.
427
00:12:17,635 --> 00:12:18,449
Don't forget to ban Europe
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from the Indian spice trade.
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"What? That's bullshit!" said Portugal, spiceless.
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♪Well I guess we'll have to find another way♪
431
00:12:25,208 --> 00:12:28,793
♪to India♪ "Wait!" said Christopher Columbus,
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probably smoking crack.
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If the world is round, let's go this way to India!
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"No, don't worry, we already got this."
435
00:12:33,116 --> 00:12:34,655
said Portugal. So Chris goes to Spain.
436
00:12:34,655 --> 00:12:36,111
Hey Spain, wanna hire me to find India
437
00:12:36,111 --> 00:12:37,308
by going around back of the world?
438
00:12:37,308 --> 00:12:39,950
No. Please? No. Please? No. Please? OK.
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00:12:39,950 --> 00:12:42,399
So he sails into the ocean, and discovers
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00:12:42,399 --> 00:12:44,176
more ocean. And then discovers the Indies
441
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and Japan. Let's draw a line to decide
442
00:12:46,819 --> 00:12:47,629
who gets which half of the world.
443
00:12:47,629 --> 00:12:50,241
The Aztec and Inca empires are off to a great start.
444
00:12:50,241 --> 00:12:51,499
I wonder if they know that Europe just
445
00:12:51,499 --> 00:12:52,392
discovered their continent.
446
00:12:52,392 --> 00:12:54,260
The Hapsburgs are marrying into so many
447
00:12:54,260 --> 00:12:55,451
royal families, they might have to start
448
00:12:55,451 --> 00:12:57,274
marrying each-other. Move over, Lithuania!
449
00:12:57,274 --> 00:12:58,963
Here comes Moscow! Ivan wants to make
450
00:12:58,963 --> 00:13:00,711
Russia great again. Move over, Timurids!
451
00:13:00,711 --> 00:13:02,182
Maybe go invade India or something.
452
00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:03,923
Persia just made Persia Persian again.
453
00:13:03,923 --> 00:13:05,470
Let's make it the other kind of Islam.
454
00:13:05,470 --> 00:13:06,785
The one where we thought the first guy
455
00:13:06,785 --> 00:13:07,794
should've been the other guy.
456
00:13:07,794 --> 00:13:09,257
Hey, Christians! Do you sin?
457
00:13:09,257 --> 00:13:10,754
Now you can buy your way out of hell!
458
00:13:10,754 --> 00:13:12,497
"That's bullshit. This whole thing is bullshit."
459
00:13:12,497 --> 00:13:13,835
"That's a scam. Fuck the church. "
460
00:13:13,835 --> 00:13:15,851
"Here's 95 reasons why. " said Martin Luther
461
00:13:15,851 --> 00:13:17,035
in his new book which might have
462
00:13:17,035 --> 00:13:18,578
accidentally started the Protestant Reformation.
463
00:13:18,578 --> 00:13:19,845
"You know what will be magnificent?"
464
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said Suliman, wearing an onion hat.
465
00:13:21,288 --> 00:13:23,143
What if the Ottoman Empire was really big,
466
00:13:23,143 --> 00:13:24,859
which it is now. "What if Russia was big?"
467
00:13:24,859 --> 00:13:26,570
said Ivan, trying not to be terrible.
468
00:13:26,570 --> 00:13:28,227
Portugal had a dream that they controlled
469
00:13:28,227 --> 00:13:29,758
the entire Indian Ocean, including the
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spice trade. And then that dream was real.
471
00:13:31,980 --> 00:13:33,922
And Spain realized that this is not India,
472
00:13:33,922 --> 00:13:35,820
but they pillaged it anyway. "Damn,"
473
00:13:35,820 --> 00:13:36,648
said England and France.
474
00:13:36,648 --> 00:13:37,842
"We gotta start pillaging some stuff."
475
00:13:37,842 --> 00:13:39,321
Then the Dutch revolt, and all the hipsters
476
00:13:39,321 --> 00:13:41,238
move to Amsterdam. "Damn," said Amsterdam.
477
00:13:41,238 --> 00:13:43,210
"We gotta start pillaging some stuff."
478
00:13:43,210 --> 00:13:45,168
Question 1, can you get to India through
479
00:13:45,168 --> 00:13:46,960
North America? No, but at least there's beaver.
480
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,498
Question 2, steal the spice trade.
481
00:13:48,498 --> 00:13:49,830
That's not a question, but the Dutch
482
00:13:49,830 --> 00:13:51,826
did it anyway. ♪Sugar♪
483
00:13:51,826 --> 00:13:52,688
Guess where all the sugar's made?
484
00:13:52,688 --> 00:13:54,609
In Brazil! Stolen! In the Caribbean!
485
00:13:54,609 --> 00:13:56,236
And it's so goddamn profitable, you might
486
00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:57,311
forget to not do slavery.
487
00:13:57,311 --> 00:13:58,869
The next thing on Russia's to-do list
488
00:13:58,869 --> 00:14:00,327
is to get bigger. Britain and France
489
00:14:00,327 --> 00:14:01,370
are having a friendly discussion about
490
00:14:01,370 --> 00:14:02,848
who should control the entire world.
491
00:14:02,848 --> 00:14:04,977
More specifically, Ohio. Then it escalates
492
00:14:04,977 --> 00:14:06,198
into a seven year discussion,
493
00:14:06,198 --> 00:14:07,948
giving Prussia a chance to show Austria
494
00:14:07,948 --> 00:14:09,391
who's boss. But what about Britain and France?
495
00:14:09,391 --> 00:14:10,974
Did they figure out who's boss? Yes they did!
496
00:14:10,974 --> 00:14:12,921
It's Britain. Guess who's broke? Also Britain.
497
00:14:12,921 --> 00:14:14,531
So they start taxing the hell out of America.
498
00:14:14,531 --> 00:14:16,141
"Fuck you!" says America, declaring their
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00:14:16,141 --> 00:14:17,328
independence, and fighting for it.
500
00:14:17,328 --> 00:14:18,814
And France helps them win.
501
00:14:18,814 --> 00:14:20,233
Now France is broke, and Britain will have to
502
00:14:20,233 --> 00:14:21,933
send their prisoners to a different continent.
503
00:14:21,933 --> 00:14:23,820
Wait, if France is broke, why do the King
504
00:14:23,820 --> 00:14:25,206
and Queen still wear such fancy dresses?
505
00:14:25,206 --> 00:14:26,451
"Let's overthrow the palace"
506
00:14:26,451 --> 00:14:27,783
"and cut all their heads off!" said Robespierre,
507
00:14:27,783 --> 00:14:29,265
cutting everybody's head off until someone
508
00:14:29,265 --> 00:14:30,700
eventually got mad and cut his head off.
509
00:14:30,700 --> 00:14:31,996
You could make a reli- No, don't.
510
00:14:31,996 --> 00:14:33,890
Haiti is starting to like the idea
511
00:14:33,890 --> 00:14:35,149
of a revolution. Especially the slaves who
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00:14:35,149 --> 00:14:36,437
free themselves by killing their masters.
513
00:14:36,437 --> 00:14:38,010
"Why didn't we think of this before?"
514
00:14:38,010 --> 00:14:39,488
Wait, who's in charge of France now?
515
00:14:39,488 --> 00:14:41,473
♪"Me"♪ said Napoleon, trying to take over
516
00:14:41,473 --> 00:14:42,685
Europe. Luckily they banished him
517
00:14:42,685 --> 00:14:44,555
to an island. ♪But he came back♪
518
00:14:44,555 --> 00:14:45,926
Luckily, they banished him to another island.
519
00:14:45,926 --> 00:14:48,219
There goes Latin America, becoming independent
520
00:14:48,219 --> 00:14:49,819
in the Latin American wars of independence.
521
00:14:49,819 --> 00:14:51,437
Britain just figured out how to turn steam
522
00:14:51,437 --> 00:14:52,749
into power so now they can make
523
00:14:52,749 --> 00:14:54,457
♪many different types of machines♪
524
00:14:54,457 --> 00:14:57,014
♪and factories with machines in them♪
525
00:14:57,014 --> 00:14:59,593
♪so they can make a lot of products♪
526
00:14:59,593 --> 00:15:02,747
♪real fast♪ Then they invent some trains.
527
00:15:02,747 --> 00:15:04,165
And conquer India and maybe put some
528
00:15:04,165 --> 00:15:05,711
trains there. "Hey, China!" said Britain.
529
00:15:05,711 --> 00:15:07,383
"Buy stuff from us!" "Nah, dude we already
530
00:15:07,383 --> 00:15:08,451
"got everything." Says China.
531
00:15:08,451 --> 00:15:09,699
So Britain tried to get them addicted to
532
00:15:09,699 --> 00:15:11,742
Opium. Which worked actually. Then China
533
00:15:11,742 --> 00:15:13,353
made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea.
534
00:15:13,353 --> 00:15:14,962
So Britain threw a hissy fit and made them
535
00:15:14,962 --> 00:15:16,521
open up five cities and give them an island.
536
00:15:16,521 --> 00:15:18,066
Britain and Russia are playing a game where
537
00:15:18,066 --> 00:15:19,352
they try to stop each other from conquering
538
00:15:19,352 --> 00:15:22,354
Afghanistan. Also, ♪the Sultan of Oman♪
539
00:15:22,354 --> 00:15:24,183
♪lives in Zanzibar now♪
540
00:15:24,183 --> 00:15:25,645
That's just where he lives.
541
00:15:25,645 --> 00:15:27,405
India just had a revolution, and they
542
00:15:27,405 --> 00:15:28,494
would like to govern themselves now.
543
00:15:28,494 --> 00:15:30,346
"Nope." said Britain, governing them even harder
544
00:15:30,346 --> 00:15:34,465
than before. [electric beeping]
545
00:15:34,465 --> 00:15:37,039
♪Technology is about to go crazy♪
546
00:15:37,039 --> 00:15:38,829
The United States finally figured out
547
00:15:38,829 --> 00:15:40,096
whether slavery is good or bad.
548
00:15:40,096 --> 00:15:41,678
"It's bad." they decided. And then they
549
00:15:41,678 --> 00:15:43,388
continued manifesting their destiny,
550
00:15:43,388 --> 00:15:44,288
which is to kill the rest of the natives
551
00:15:44,288 --> 00:15:45,576
and take their land and maybe kick out
552
00:15:45,576 --> 00:15:46,241
the Mexicans too.
553
00:15:46,241 --> 00:15:48,474
I know let's rape Africa said Europe
554
00:15:48,474 --> 00:15:50,135
scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest
555
00:15:50,135 --> 00:15:51,906
They never got to Ethiopia
556
00:15:51,906 --> 00:15:53,361
Britain and France are still hungry.
557
00:15:53,361 --> 00:15:54,747
They never got Thailand
558
00:15:54,747 --> 00:15:56,178
The United States finally ran out of
559
00:15:56,178 --> 00:15:57,392
destiney to manifest so they're looking
560
00:15:57,392 --> 00:15:59,494
for more. Hawaii. Cuba.
561
00:15:59,494 --> 00:16:01,530
Wait Spain controls Cuba. Well blame
562
00:16:01,530 --> 00:16:02,712
something on them and go to war
563
00:16:02,712 --> 00:16:04,691
What should we blame on Spain? Let's blame
564
00:16:04,691 --> 00:16:05,433
the Maine on Spain.
565
00:16:05,433 --> 00:16:06,642
So they blamed the Maine on Spain.
566
00:16:06,642 --> 00:16:08,733
Now we're in business. To celebrate they
567
00:16:08,733 --> 00:16:10,214
kicked Panama out of Panama and made a
568
00:16:10,214 --> 00:16:11,783
canal connecting the two oceans.
569
00:16:11,783 --> 00:16:13,610
Britain just found oil in the middle east.
570
00:16:13,610 --> 00:16:15,162
It makes cars go.
571
00:16:15,162 --> 00:16:16,753
China is so tired of being bossed around
572
00:16:16,753 --> 00:16:18,223
that they delete their old government and
573
00:16:18,223 --> 00:16:19,468
make a new stronger government. Which is
574
00:16:19,468 --> 00:16:21,281
accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy
575
00:16:21,281 --> 00:16:22,374
from the previous government.
576
00:16:22,374 --> 00:16:24,091
Europe hasn't had a war since the last war
577
00:16:24,091 --> 00:16:25,921
So they start World War One. Look at those
578
00:16:25,921 --> 00:16:28,034
guns. It's going to be a great war. So great
579
00:16:28,034 --> 00:16:29,121
we won't need a second one.
580
00:16:29,121 --> 00:16:30,454
After it's over they blame Germany.
581
00:16:30,454 --> 00:16:32,572
Russia went on strike and the workers
582
00:16:32,572 --> 00:16:33,554
overthrew the government. Now everyone's
583
00:16:33,554 --> 00:16:35,483
paycheck is the same. Communism in the
584
00:16:35,483 --> 00:16:38,005
Soviet Union. The Arabs revolt and Britain
585
00:16:38,005 --> 00:16:39,541
helps. Now the Ottoman empire is gone so
586
00:16:39,541 --> 00:16:42,119
we can give the Jewish people a place to
587
00:16:42,119 --> 00:16:44,172
live. Hopefully the Arabs won't mind.
588
00:16:44,172 --> 00:16:46,061
Let's cut the cake said Sykes and Picot,
589
00:16:46,061 --> 00:16:47,076
carving up the remains of
590
00:16:47,076 --> 00:16:48,659
the not-so-otoman-anymore empire
591
00:16:48,659 --> 00:16:52,209
Except Turkey makes a brand new Turkey
592
00:16:52,209 --> 00:16:53,787
And then the Saudi conquer Arabia because
593
00:16:53,787 --> 00:16:55,131
it just seemed like the right thing to do.
594
00:16:55,131 --> 00:16:57,610
Ringing sound Hello? Yes, it's the 1920s
595
00:16:57,610 --> 00:16:59,570
calling. Let's get into a car and drive to a party
596
00:16:59,570 --> 00:17:01,276
and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the
597
00:17:01,276 --> 00:17:01,737
movies.
598
00:17:01,737 --> 00:17:02,938
The economy is great and it will probably
599
00:17:02,938 --> 00:17:03,788
be great forever. Just kidding.
600
00:17:03,788 --> 00:17:05,280
Germany's back featuring Hitler,
601
00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:07,186
the angry mustache model and he's mad
602
00:17:07,186 --> 00:17:08,136
at the Jews for existing
603
00:17:08,136 --> 00:17:10,217
Japan has finally conquered the east and
604
00:17:10,217 --> 00:17:11,998
their so excited they rape Nanking way too
605
00:17:11,998 --> 00:17:13,256
hard, they should probably just deny it.
606
00:17:13,256 --> 00:17:14,877
Hitler is out of control so the international
607
00:17:14,877 --> 00:17:16,559
community tackles him and tries to explain
608
00:17:16,559 --> 00:17:18,223
why killing all the jews is a bad idea.
609
00:17:18,223 --> 00:17:19,630
But he kills himself before they could
610
00:17:19,630 --> 00:17:20,370
explain it to him.
611
00:17:20,370 --> 00:17:22,047
That's World War Two.
612
00:17:22,047 --> 00:17:23,673
Bonus Round. Pacific Showdown.
613
00:17:23,673 --> 00:17:26,385
United States vs. Japan. Fight.
614
00:17:28,095 --> 00:17:29,540
Finish Him.
615
00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:31,174
Let's unite all the nations and have some
616
00:17:31,174 --> 00:17:32,658
World Peace. Seems Legit.
617
00:17:32,658 --> 00:17:34,292
Hi I'm Gandhi and if Britain doesn't
618
00:17:34,292 --> 00:17:35,699
get the hell out of India then I'm going
619
00:17:35,699 --> 00:17:36,673
to starve myself in public.
620
00:17:36,673 --> 00:17:37,993
Wow that worked?
621
00:17:37,993 --> 00:17:39,796
Bonus, now there's Pakistan. Actually
622
00:17:39,796 --> 00:17:41,399
two Pakistans. One of them can be Bangladesh
623
00:17:41,399 --> 00:17:41,846
later.
624
00:17:41,846 --> 00:17:43,270
The Jews and the Arabs finally figured out
625
00:17:43,270 --> 00:17:44,490
which one of them should live in
626
00:17:44,490 --> 00:17:45,875
the Holy Land. Me! They both said at the
627
00:17:45,875 --> 00:17:47,680
same time. Let's divide up the land so
628
00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:48,424
everyone's happy.
629
00:17:48,424 --> 00:17:50,595
Sike, they both get angrier.
630
00:17:50,595 --> 00:17:51,980
Look out China, there's a new China.
631
00:17:51,980 --> 00:17:53,918
What's on the menu? Communism!
632
00:17:53,918 --> 00:17:55,466
No thanks, said the other China escaping
633
00:17:55,466 --> 00:17:57,138
to an island. I wonder which one is the
634
00:17:57,138 --> 00:17:57,599
real China.
635
00:17:57,599 --> 00:17:59,476
There's the Korean war. Korea vs. Korea
636
00:17:59,476 --> 00:18:01,329
Nobody wins, then it's on pause forever.
637
00:18:01,329 --> 00:18:02,976
Let's meet the sponsors. Oh it's the two
638
00:18:02,976 --> 00:18:04,419
global superpowers. They're having
639
00:18:04,419 --> 00:18:05,700
a friendly debate over which economic
640
00:18:05,700 --> 00:18:07,429
system is good and which one is an evil
641
00:18:07,429 --> 00:18:09,984
virus of Satan. And they both have Atom bombs.
642
00:18:09,984 --> 00:18:11,817
Fight! Wait no that would be the end
643
00:18:11,817 --> 00:18:13,253
of the world. Let's just keep it cool
644
00:18:13,253 --> 00:18:14,582
and spy on each other instead.
645
00:18:14,582 --> 00:18:16,581
And make sure we have enough atom bombs.
646
00:18:16,581 --> 00:18:19,771
Race you to space. Now let's make some more
647
00:18:19,771 --> 00:18:20,594
countries fight themselves.
648
00:18:20,594 --> 00:18:22,180
Europe is tired of pillaging other
649
00:18:22,180 --> 00:18:24,135
continents and the continents they
were pillaging are tired
650
00:18:24,135 --> 00:18:25,596
of being pillaged. So here's a new map
651
00:18:25,596 --> 00:18:26,838
with new countries. Now you can't tell
652
00:18:26,838 --> 00:18:27,710
who they're being pillaged by.
653
00:18:27,710 --> 00:18:29,354
The united states finally decided whether
654
00:18:29,354 --> 00:18:31,482
racism is good or bad. They decided it's bad.
655
00:18:31,482 --> 00:18:33,128
and the world agrees. South Africa might
656
00:18:33,128 --> 00:18:34,535
need another minute to think about it.
657
00:18:34,535 --> 00:18:37,346
Let's check the world population. Woah. Okay
658
00:18:37,346 --> 00:18:39,584
Technology is better too. That might keep
659
00:18:39,584 --> 00:18:41,114
happening. The Soviet Union decides to
660
00:18:41,114 --> 00:18:42,965
relax a little and accidently falls apart.
661
00:18:42,965 --> 00:18:44,765
Europe makes a union so now they can
662
00:18:44,765 --> 00:18:45,547
all use the same money.
663
00:18:45,547 --> 00:18:47,165
Except Britain because the don't feel like it.
664
00:18:47,165 --> 00:18:49,376
Check the mail. Surprise! it's on the computer.
665
00:18:49,376 --> 00:18:51,040
Whoops someone just attacked America.
666
00:18:51,040 --> 00:18:52,486
And America, I bet they'll remember that.
667
00:18:52,486 --> 00:18:54,019
Phone call. Surprise! It's in your pocket
668
00:18:54,019 --> 00:18:55,289
Wanna learn everything? Surprise!
669
00:18:55,289 --> 00:18:56,767
It's on the computer. Now your phone's a
670
00:18:56,767 --> 00:18:57,847
computer which is in your pocket.
671
00:18:57,847 --> 00:18:59,173
Whoops the economy just crashed.
672
00:18:59,173 --> 00:19:00,879
Don't worry the big banks won't fail
673
00:19:00,879 --> 00:19:02,148
because they're not supposed to.
674
00:19:02,148 --> 00:19:04,937
Surprise! Flying robots. With bombs.
675
00:19:04,937 --> 00:19:06,099
Wanna print a brain?
676
00:19:06,099 --> 00:19:07,167
Some people have no friends.
677
00:19:07,167 --> 00:19:08,435
Some people have no food.
678
00:19:08,435 --> 00:19:10,319
The globe is warming and the ocean
679
00:19:10,319 --> 00:19:12,600
is full of plastic.
680
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:14,070
Let's save the planet said everybody
681
00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:14,797
not knowing how.
682
00:19:14,797 --> 00:19:16,941
Let's invent a thing inventor said the thing
683
00:19:16,941 --> 00:19:18,871
inventor after being invented by a thing
684
00:19:18,871 --> 00:19:19,912
inventor. That's pretty cool
685
00:19:19,912 --> 00:19:21,528
By the way, where the hell are we?