Hi you're on a rock, floating in space. Pretty cool huh?
Some of it's water.
Fuck it, actually most of it is water.
I can't even get from here to there
without buying a boat.
It's sad. I'm sad. I miss you
How did this happen? A long time ago.
Actually never. And also now.
Nothing is nowhere. When? Never.
Makes sense right?
Like I said, it didn't happen.
Nothing was never anywhere.
That's why it's been everywhere
It's been so everywhere you don't need a where.
You don't even need a when.
That's how every it gets...
Forget this. I wanna be something.
Go somewhere, do something. I want things to change.
I want to invent time and space.
And I know it's possible because everything
is here and it probably already happened
I just don't know when to start.
And that's exactly when it started.
Oh I paused it. I think there's a universe now
What's it made of?
quarks & stuff.
Ah that's a thing, in a place. Don't like it?
Try a new place. At a different time.
Try to stick together because
the world is going to get bigger and emptier.
It's not empty yet. It's still very full,
and about a kjghpillion degress
Great news, the quarks are happily married
in groups of three, called a proton or neutron
And there's something flying around too
that wants to join in but it can't
because it's too hot.
Great news! The protons and neutrons are
now happily married to each other.
Some even doubled up.
Great news the electrons have now joined in
Congratulations. The world is now a bunch
of gas in space.
But it's getting closer together.
And it's getting closer together
And it's getting closer toget..
It's a star!
New shit just got made.
Some stars burn out and die.
Bigger starts burn out and die with passion
and make some brand new, way crazier shit.
Space dust
which allows newer and more interesting stars
to be made and die and explode and make
even crazier space dust.
So now stars have cool stuff around them.
Like rocks, ice and funny clouds
which can make some very interesting things.
Like this ball of flaming rock for example.
Holy shit, we just got hit with another
ball of flaming rocks. and it kinda
made a mess which is now the moon.
Weather update, it's raining rocks
from outer space
weather update, those rocks may have had
water inside them and now there's hot
steam in the sky.
Weather update, cooler temperatures today
and the floor is now no longer lava.
Weather update, it's raining
Severe flooding alert, the entire world
is now an ocean.
Volcano alert
that's land
inaudible what?
Something's alive in the ocean.
Oh cool, like a plant or an animal? no
A microscopic speck. It lives at the bottom
of the ocean and eats chemical soup
which is being served hot and fresh, made
from gnarly space ingredients left over
from when it was raining rocks or whatever.
Oh yea, and it can do that.
It has secret instructions written inside
itself telling how to build another
one of itself. So that's pretty nifty I would say.
Tired of living at the bottom of the ocean?
Now you can eat sunlight.
Using a revolutionary technique, you can
convert sunlight into food. Taste the sun
Side effect, now there's oxygen everywhere
and the sky is blue.
Then the earth might have been a snowball
for a while. Maybe even a couple of times.
It's a sponge. It's a plant. It's a worm
and some other weird types of water bugs,
and some strange fish
It's the Cambrian explosion.
Wow that's animals and stuff.
But we're still in the ocean. Hey can we
go on land?
No. Why?
The sun is a deadly lazer.
Okay.
Not anymore there's a blanket.
Now the animals can go on land.
Come on animals, let's go on land.
Nope can't walk yet.
and there's no food so I don't care
Okay, will you learn to walk if
there's plants up here?
maybe said some bugs. and fish.
Okay so I can go on land, but
I have to go back into the water to have
babies
Learn to use an egg.
I was already doing that.
Use a stronger egg. Put water in it.
Have a baby, on land, in an egg.
Water is in the egg. Baby is in the egg
In water in the egg. Works for me.
Bye bye, ocean.
Aaand now everything is huge. Including bugs
Wanna see a map of the land? Sure
Oh fuck, now everything is dead.
Just kidding here are the survivers
Keep your eye on this one because it's
about to become the dinosaur.
Here's another map of the land.
Yea it broke apart, don't worry about that
It does it all the time
Here comes a meteor.
And the dinosaurs are gone
It's mammel time, here come the mammels
Look at those breasts. Now they're going
to dominate the world.
And one of them just found out how to
grab stuff. And walk. No like walk like that.
And grab stuff at the same time
and bang rocks together to make pointed rocks
Ouch. and set things on fire. yeouch
And make crazy sounds with their voice
gneurshk, which can mean different things.
That's a human person. And now they're
everywhere. Almost
Ice age. What you can walk over here? cool.
Not anymore. I guess we're stuck here now.
Let's review, there's people on the planet.
And they're chasing their food
Fuck it. Time to plant some grass.
Look at this, I control the food now
Now everyone will want to be my friend
and live near me. Lets all build houses
except mine is bigger because I own the food
This is great, I wonder if anyone else
is doing this
Tired of using rocks for everything?
Use metal. It's underground
Better farming was just invented.
In a sweet dank valley right between
these two rivers. And the animals are helping.
Guess what happens next.
More food and more people
Here to buy the food.
Now you need more people to help make the food
And to keep track of the sales
And now you need houses for people to live
in and people to make the houses.
And now there's more people and they invent
things. Makes things better and more people
come and there's more farming
and more people to make more things for
more people. and now there's buisness
Money. Writing. Laws. Power. Society
Coming soon to a dank river valley
near you.
Meanwhile out in the middle of nowhere
The horse is probably being tamed.
Why is all my metal so lame and lumpy
Tired of using lame, sad metal?
Introducing BRONZE made with special ingrediant
Tin from the far lands of tinland
I don't know, my dealer won't tell me
where he gets it
Also guess what, Egypt.
Meanwhile in the middle of nowhere
They figured out how to put wheels on a horse
Now we're getting somewhere
Also China and did I mention
Indus river valley civilization
Norte Chico
Middle east is getting more complicated
Maybe it's because it's
in the middle of the east.
Knock, knock or clop clop.
It's the people with the horses and they
made an empire and everyone else
copied their horses
Greeks. Ah look it must be Greeks.
Or a beta version of the greeks.
Let's check in the the
indus river valley civilization.
They're gone. Guess who's not gone.
China.
New arrivals in India. Maybe it's those horse people
or something like that. Maybe it's their cousins
And they wrote some hymns, & mantras
and stuff. We could make
a religion out of this.
Here's the bronze age collapse
Now the phoenicians can get down to business
Also can we switch to a metal that's a
little easier to find? Thanks
Look who came back to Israel.
It's the 12 tribes of Israel. And they
believe in God. Just one though he's
got like a 10-step program
Here's some huge heads, must be the Olmecs
The Phoenicians make some colonies.
The Greeks copied their idea and make some
colonies. The Phoenicians made a colony
so big it makes colonies.
Here comes the Assyrian empire. Nevermind
It's the Babylonian..Media..It's the Persian Empire
Wow, that's big
Ah the Buddha was just enlightened.
Who's the Buddha? This guy.
Who sat under a tree for so long he figured
out how to ignore the fact that we're
all dying. You could make a religion
out of this
Whops, China just broke. But while it
was breaking Confucius just figured out
how to have good morals
Ahh the Greeks just had the idea of thinking
about stuff. And right over here, Alexander
just had the idea of conquering
the entire Persian Empire. It's a great idea
He was great. And now he's dead.
Hopefully the rest of the gang will be able
to share the empire evenly between them.
Knock, knock it's Chandragupta and he says
get the hell out of here. Will you get the
hell out of here if I give you 500
elephants? Ok thanks, bye
Time to conquer all of India...or most of
India. But what about this part?
That's the Tamil kings. No one controls
the Tamil kings. Who are the Tamil kings?
Merchants probably. And they've got spices
Who would like to buy the spices?
Me! said the Arabians. Swiftly buying it
and selling it to the rest of the world.
Hey China put itself back together again
With good morals as their main philosophy.
Actually they have three main philosopies
Out here, the horse nomads run wild and free
but they would like to ransack your cities.
Let's check the greekification levels of
the greekified kingdoms. Greekification
overload. Bye said the Parthians.
Bye said the Jews. Hi said the Parthians
taking over the entire place.
Heyy said the Roman, eating the entire
Mediterranean for breakfast.
Thanks for invading out home land said
the Jews who were starting to get tired
of people invading their homeland
Hi everything's great said some guy who seems
to be getting very popular and is then arrested
and killed for being too popular
which only makes him more popular.
You could make a religion out of this.
Want silk? Now you can buy it from China
They just made a brand new road to the world
Or you can get there on water.
Sick new trade routes said India
Accidently spreading their religion to the
entire southeast.
Hmm that's a good place for an epic
trading kingdom
There goes buddhism traveling up the silk road
I wonder if it will reach China before it
collapses again.
Remember the Persian empire? Yup said the
Persians, making a new one.
Axum is getting so powerful they would like
to build a long stick.
Has anyone populated Madagascar yet?
Let's do it together.
China is whole again...Then it broke again.
Still can't cross the Sahara desert? Try Camels
Hell yeah, now we've got business.
Said the Ghana empire selling lots of gold
and slaves.
Hi, I live in the Roman empire and
I was wondering, is loving Jesus legal yet?
No. Actually, Okay sure says Constantine,
moving the capital way over here to be
closer to his main rival.
Don't worry about Rome, it won't fall.
It's the golden age of India
There's the Gupta empire, not to be confused
with Chandragupta, just Gupta.
first name Chandra.
Guess who's in Rome? barbarians.
What's a barbarian? Non Romans said the Romans
being invaded by non Romans. RIP Roman empire
Or actually just half of it.
The other half is just fine but it's
not in Rome anymore so let's give
it a new name.
The Mayans have figured out the stars
Oh and here's a huge city, population everyone
Göktürks have taken over the entire Eurasian Step
Great job Göktürks. How's India? Broken.
How's China? back together
How's those trading kingdoms? Bigger and
there's more of them.
Korea has 3 kingdoms. Japan has a kingdom,
it's the sunrise kingdom.
Deep in the Arabian desert on a top
of a mountain, the real god whispers in
Muhammed's ear, so he goes down to the
cube where everyone worships gods and he
tells them your gods are all fake and
everyone got so mad he had to leave town
and go to a different town. You could
make a religion out of this. Maybe conquer
the world as well.
The Roman empire is long gone but somehow
the Pope is still the Pope. Plus there's
new kingdoms all over Europe. I wonder if
there's room for Moors.
Here's all the wisdom, in a house. It's
the Baghdad House of Wisdom. Just in time
for the Islamic golden age.
Let's bring stuff to the coast and sell it
and become the Swahili on the Swahili coast
said the Swahili on the Swahili coast.
Remember this tiny space you have to go
through to get from here to there?
Someone owns that now. Wanna get enlightened
in the middle of nowhere?
The Franks have the biggest kingdom in Europe
The Pope is so proud that he invites the king
over for Christmas. Surprise, you're the
new Roman emperor said the Pope, pretending
to still be part of the Roman empire.
Then the Franks broke their kingdom into
what will later be called France and
not France
The northerners or just the Norse if you
don't have much time are exploreing.
They go North, from the North to
the northern North and they find some land
Two types of land, and name them accordingly
They also invade some other places and get
called many names such as Vikings.
There's the Rus, the Kievan Rus
Are they vikings? I don't think so said
the Kievan Rus. Ok fair enough.
The Pope is ready to make some
more emperors of the Roman empire. The
Holy Roman empire. It's actually Germany
but don't worry about it. New Kingdoms.
Christianize all the kingdoms. Which brand
would you like? Mine's better, mine's better
mine's better.
Time to conquer England said William.
It's a bird, it's a plane it's the Seljuk Turks
ahh said the Byzantine empire who's getting
so small it almost doesn't exist anymore.
We need help. They need help so they call
the Pope. Hey Pope, can you help us get
rid of the Seljuks, maybe take back the Holy
Land on the way? Come on, I know you
want to take back the Holy Land. Yes I do
actually want to do that. Lets do a crusade.
Crusade! They did many Crusades, some of which
almost didn't fail. But at least the Italians
got some sweet trade deals.
Good bye Mayans, hello Toltecs. Goodbye
Toltecs. Hello Mississippi. Look at those
mounds. There's the Pueblo, I always wondered
how to build a town in a cliff.
Guess who's here? Khmer. Where? Here.
And Pagan is there. Vietnam unconquered
itself. Korea just became itself and Japan
is so addicted to art that the military
might have to take over the government.
China just invented bombs and typing.
And the Mongols just invaded most of
the universe. Nice going Genghis. I bet
that will last a long time.
Some of the Islamic Turks were unaffected
by the Mongol invasion because they were
busy invading India.
Is it Tonga time? I think it's Tonga time.
I just found out where the Swahili gets
all their gold.
Look at this chad, it means lake. There's
an empire there. Right in the middle of Africa
The king of Mali is so rich he's going
on tour to let everyone know.
Wow that guy's rich everyone said.
The Chistians are doing a great job
reconquering Iberia which will soon be
called Spain and not Spain. Please remain
Christian, we will check in later to see
if you're still Christian when you least
expect. Whoops half of Europe just died.
China's back, yay. Hey Khmer, time to share.
New Kingdoms, here and there. Oh look who
controls all the islands. It's the Mahajapit.
Majahapit, Mapajahit, Mahapajit, Mapajahit
Majapahit?
Oh Italy is really rich, time to care a lot
about art and the ancient classics
It's kinda like a rebirth.
Here's a printer, lets make books.
So you think you can conquer
the Byzantine Empire?
Yep, said the Ottoman turks.
Nice job, Ottoman Turks. Oops,
You missed a spot.
Don't forget to ban Europe
from the Indian spice trade.
"What? That's bullshit!" said Portugal, spiceless.
♪Well I guess we'll have to find another way♪
♪to India♪ "Wait!" said Christopher Columbus,
probably smoking crack.
If the world is round, let's go this way to India!
"No, don't worry, we already got this."
said Portugal. So Chris goes to Spain.
Hey Spain, wanna hire me to find India
by going around back of the world?
No. Please? No. Please? No. Please? OK.
So he sails into the ocean, and discovers
more ocean. And then discovers the Indies
and Japan. Let's draw a line to decide
who gets which half of the world.
The Aztec and Inca empires are off to a great start.
I wonder if they know that Europe just
discovered their continent.
The Hapsburgs are marrying into so many
royal families, they might have to start
marrying each-other. Move over, Lithuania!
Here comes Moscow! Ivan wants to make
Russia great again. Move over, Timurids!
Maybe go invade India or something.
Persia just made Persia Persian again.
Let's make it the other kind of Islam.
The one where we thought the first guy
should've been the other guy.
Hey, Christians! Do you sin?
Now you can buy your way out of hell!
"That's bullshit. This whole thing is bullshit."
"That's a scam. Fuck the church. "
"Here's 95 reasons why. " said Martin Luther
in his new book which might have
accidentally started the Protestant Reformation.
"You know what will be magnificent?"
said Suliman, wearing an onion hat.
What if the Ottoman Empire was really big,
which it is now. "What if Russia was big?"
said Ivan, trying not to be terrible.
Portugal had a dream that they controlled
the entire Indian Ocean, including the
spice trade. And then that dream was real.
And Spain realized that this is not India,
but they pillaged it anyway. "Damn,"
said England and France.
"We gotta start pillaging some stuff."
Then the Dutch revolt, and all the hipsters
move to Amsterdam. "Damn," said Amsterdam.
"We gotta start pillaging some stuff."
Question 1, can you get to India through
North America? No, but at least there's beaver.
Question 2, steal the spice trade.
That's not a question, but the Dutch
did it anyway. ♪Sugar♪
Guess where all the sugar's made?
In Brazil! Stolen! In the Caribbean!
And it's so goddamn profitable, you might
forget to not do slavery.
The next thing on Russia's to-do list
is to get bigger. Britain and France
are having a friendly discussion about
who should control the entire world.
More specifically, Ohio. Then it escalates
into a seven year discussion,
giving Prussia a chance to show Austria
who's boss. But what about Britain and France?
Did they figure out who's boss? Yes they did!
It's Britain. Guess who's broke? Also Britain.
So they start taxing the hell out of America.
"Fuck you!" says America, declaring their
independence, and fighting for it.
And France helps them win.
Now France is broke, and Britain will have to
send their prisoners to a different continent.
Wait, if France is broke, why do the King
and Queen still wear such fancy dresses?
"Let's overthrow the palace"
"and cut all their heads off!" said Robespierre,
cutting everybody's head off until someone
eventually got mad and cut his head off.
You could make a reli- No, don't.
Haiti is starting to like the idea
of a revolution. Especially the slaves who
free themselves by killing their masters.
"Why didn't we think of this before?"
Wait, who's in charge of France now?
♪"Me"♪ said Napoleon, trying to take over
Europe. Luckily they banished him
to an island. ♪But he came back♪
Luckily, they banished him to another island.
There goes Latin America, becoming independent
in the Latin American wars of independence.
Britain just figured out how to turn steam
into power so now they can make
♪many different types of machines♪
♪and factories with machines in them♪
♪so they can make a lot of products♪
♪real fast♪ Then they invent some trains.
And conquer India and maybe put some
trains there. "Hey, China!" said Britain.
"Buy stuff from us!" "Nah, dude we already
"got everything." Says China.
So Britain tried to get them addicted to
Opium. Which worked actually. Then China
made it illegal and dumped it all into the sea.
So Britain threw a hissy fit and made them
open up five cities and give them an island.
Britain and Russia are playing a game where
they try to stop each other from conquering
Afghanistan. Also, ♪the Sultan of Oman♪
♪lives in Zanzibar now♪
That's just where he lives.
India just had a revolution, and they
would like to govern themselves now.
"Nope." said Britain, governing them even harder
than before. [electric beeping]
♪Technology is about to go crazy♪
The United States finally figured out
whether slavery is good or bad.
"It's bad." they decided. And then they
continued manifesting their destiny,
which is to kill the rest of the natives
and take their land and maybe kick out
the Mexicans too.
I know let's rape Africa said Europe
scrambling to see who could rape it the fastest
They never got to Ethiopia
Britain and France are still hungry.
They never got Thailand
The United States finally ran out of
destiney to manifest so they're looking
for more. Hawaii. Cuba.
Wait Spain controls Cuba. Well blame
something on them and go to war
What should we blame on Spain? Let's blame
the Maine on Spain.
So they blamed the Maine on Spain.
Now we're in business. To celebrate they
kicked Panama out of Panama and made a
canal connecting the two oceans.
Britain just found oil in the middle east.
It makes cars go.
China is so tired of being bossed around
that they delete their old government and
make a new stronger government. Which is
accidentally weaker and controlled by a guy
from the previous government.
Europe hasn't had a war since the last war
So they start World War One. Look at those
guns. It's going to be a great war. So great
we won't need a second one.
After it's over they blame Germany.
Russia went on strike and the workers
overthrew the government. Now everyone's
paycheck is the same. Communism in the
Soviet Union. The Arabs revolt and Britain
helps. Now the Ottoman empire is gone so
we can give the Jewish people a place to
live. Hopefully the Arabs won't mind.
Let's cut the cake said Sykes and Picot,
carving up the remains of
the not-so-otoman-anymore empire
Except Turkey makes a brand new Turkey
And then the Saudi conquer Arabia because
it just seemed like the right thing to do.
Ringing sound Hello? Yes, it's the 1920s
calling. Let's get into a car and drive to a party
and listen to jazz on the radio and go to the
movies.
The economy is great and it will probably
be great forever. Just kidding.
Germany's back featuring Hitler,
the angry mustache model and he's mad
at the Jews for existing
Japan has finally conquered the east and
their so excited they rape Nanking way too
hard, they should probably just deny it.
Hitler is out of control so the international
community tackles him and tries to explain
why killing all the jews is a bad idea.
But he kills himself before they could
explain it to him.
That's World War Two.
Bonus Round. Pacific Showdown.
United States vs. Japan. Fight.
Finish Him.
Let's unite all the nations and have some
World Peace. Seems Legit.
Hi I'm Gandhi and if Britain doesn't
get the hell out of India then I'm going
to starve myself in public.
Wow that worked?
Bonus, now there's Pakistan. Actually
two Pakistans. One of them can be Bangladesh
later.
The Jews and the Arabs finally figured out
which one of them should live in
the Holy Land. Me! They both said at the
same time. Let's divide up the land so
everyone's happy.
Sike, they both get angrier.
Look out China, there's a new China.
What's on the menu? Communism!
No thanks, said the other China escaping
to an island. I wonder which one is the
real China.
There's the Korean war. Korea vs. Korea
Nobody wins, then it's on pause forever.
Let's meet the sponsors. Oh it's the two
global superpowers. They're having
a friendly debate over which economic
system is good and which one is an evil
virus of Satan. And they both have Atom bombs.
Fight! Wait no that would be the end
of the world. Let's just keep it cool
and spy on each other instead.
And make sure we have enough atom bombs.
Race you to space. Now let's make some more
countries fight themselves.
Europe is tired of pillaging other
continents and the continents they were pillaging are tired
of being pillaged. So here's a new map
with new countries. Now you can't tell
who they're being pillaged by.
The united states finally decided whether
racism is good or bad. They decided it's bad.
and the world agrees. South Africa might
need another minute to think about it.
Let's check the world population. Woah. Okay
Technology is better too. That might keep
happening. The Soviet Union decides to
relax a little and accidently falls apart.
Europe makes a union so now they can
all use the same money.
Except Britain because the don't feel like it.
Check the mail. Surprise! it's on the computer.
Whoops someone just attacked America.
And America, I bet they'll remember that.
Phone call. Surprise! It's in your pocket
Wanna learn everything? Surprise!
It's on the computer. Now your phone's a
computer which is in your pocket.
Whoops the economy just crashed.
Don't worry the big banks won't fail
because they're not supposed to.
Surprise! Flying robots. With bombs.
Wanna print a brain?
Some people have no friends.
Some people have no food.
The globe is warming and the ocean
is full of plastic.
Let's save the planet said everybody
not knowing how.
Let's invent a thing inventor said the thing
inventor after being invented by a thing
inventor. That's pretty cool
By the way, where the hell are we?