Charlie as a Lawyer - It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

All the scenes in 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia' where Charlie shows off his legal knowledge

DENNIS: Describing an episode
of Law and Order in full detail

is not a story.

CHARLIE: No, it's so good!

All right.

OK.

First of all, I think I could
be a really good lawyer.

I'm like better
than Sam Waterston,

I'll tell you that much.

DEE: Oh, you want
to be a lawyer?

Don't you think you should
know how to read or write?

CHARLIE: Objection!

Hearsay!

That's lawyer talk .

MAC: I wanna stop.

CHARLIE: Hey, man.

Shh.

Shh.

We're gonna get you
help, all right?

We're gonna get you that help.

But in the mean
time, you gotta give

me the time to
build your case, you

know, to help your defense out.
[SINGING LAW AND ORDER THEME

SONG] Like, I gotta do my thing!

And then, [SINGING LAW AND ORDER
THEME SONG] And then

I do some moves.

MAC: Yeah.

I'm into it.

CHARLIE: Yeah!

MAC: OK.

What the hell does
that have anything

to do with what
I'm talking about?

CHARLIE: I don't know,
you know, it's just--

MAC: It's a great show.

CHARLIE: --lawyer stuff.

MAC: Charlie, are
you gonna help me?

CHARLIE: Yeah, man.

MAC: Hear anything
about your car?

CHARLIE: Ooh, accusations.

Those are no good.

MAC: That's my favorite.

CHARLIE: [SINGING LAW AND ORDER
THEME SONG]

I'm pretty sure
you need a warrant

to be doing this, buddy.

All I'm saying is that the
book doesn't mean anything.

You got no evidence,
you got no case, Frank!

Yes, lady madame
of the court, I do

believe that this
court will realize

that we were all victims
of a terrible ordeal

that caused each and every
one of us great physical,

and emotional trauma.

FRANK: Do you mind
if my associate and I

ask you a couple questions?

MAC'S MOM: Whatever.

CHARLIE: Don't feel compelled
to answer any of them, Mrs. Mac.

I will be recording
this conversation.

FRANK: You want a
fresh cigarette?

MAC'S MOM: Yeah.

FRANK: Well, I noticed
you like cherry pie.

CHARLIE: Uh, quit
the chit-chat, Frank.

My client is clearly
a busy woman.

Ask your questions.

FRANK: In your opinion, ma'am,
was your son an angry child?

CHARLIE: Objection.

Leading.

FRANK: Did he ever exhibit
any hatred toward women?

CHARLIE: Irrelevant questioning.

FRANK: Do you
think he was raised

in a dysfunctional family?

CHARLIE: Move to strike.

FRANK: Wait a minute, what
are you talking about?

CHARLIE: C'mon dude, ask
a couple fair questions!

All right, I'm gonna
give you one question,

and then we're out of here!

One question!

FRANK: Do you think your son's
out there killing people?

MAC'S MOM: Yeah.

CHARLIE AND FRANK: AH!

FRANK: That's it lady!

I'm going out--

CHARLIE: Damn it!

You just buried me!

You buried me!

That's my whole case!

I'll be in touch.

So look, here's
what you gotta do.

You gotta deny.

MAC: Deny, deny--

CHARLIE: Just deny it!

MAC: Deny, deny--

CHARLIE: Always deny!

MAC: Deny until the end!

CHARLIE: Because if
you deny something,

it means it never happened.

MAC: Never happened.

CHARLIE: Ladies and
gentleman of the court, these

were dire times, and
dire actions were

needed to get those tickets!

FRANK: We got ourselves
a serial killer.

CHARLIE: No, you
don't have anything.

That's inconclusive, right?

FRANK: Look at him!

CHARLIE: You gotta
have hard evidence.

FRANK: He's sneaking away!

CHARLIE: You don't have
any hard evidence, man.

Objection!

Extremely racist!

Don't ever admit to that!

Don't ever admit it!

It makes my job
that much harder.

A kangaroo court,
it's a kangaroo court.

MAC: More ripped.

CHARLIE: Strike that.

MAC: Jacked.

CHARLIE: Irrelevant.

MAC: Toned.

CHARLIE: Exaggeration.

MAC: I work out.

CHARLIE: I'll allow it.

Let the record show that
we question that hotel's

sanitation procedures.

I'm gonna get you out of this.

Don't be afraid to
show me your ugly side.

MAC: Charlie.

CHARLIE: Damn it, Mac!

I told you not to go back!

You're digging me in
a pretty big hole.

Aw, you're talking
to an innocent man.

Did you, or did you not, snap
into an alternate and distinct

personality, causing you to go
on a serial killing rampage?

When did you start
hearing voices?

That could actually help us.

Dude, wait so you're
not a serial killer?

MAC: No!

CHARLIE: I just won this case,
that means you're a free man!

And, you know what, I'm going
to toss in my counter-suit.

Charlie Kelly versus
Major League Baseball,

Billy Frenetic.

DEE: Don't do it, Charlie.

CHARLIE: This guy's
got a strangle hold

on the mascot's suit.

DEE: What's happening?

CHARLIE: All right,
first of all,

I had to call him the Frenetic.

His name's the
Fanatic, but, you know,

I'm going to sued by
Major League Baseball

if I call him the Fanatic.

And let's talk about steroids!

Can we talked about steroids?

Can we talk about steroid abuse?

It's bullshit!

It's ruining the game.

It's ruining it.

I'll allow it.

LAWYER: Sorry, I forgot.

Where did you go to
law school, again?

CHARLIE: I could ask you
that very same question.

LAWYER: I went to Harvard.

How about you?

CHARLIE: I'm pleading
the fifth, sir.

LAWYER: I'd advise
that you do that.

CHARLIE: And I'll
take that advise

into cooperation, all right?

Now let's say you and I
go toe to toe on bird law,

and see who comes
out the victim.

DENNIS: No, but
it's not illegal!

CHARLIE: Says the guy who
knows nothing about the law!

DENNIS: I can absolutely keep
a hummingbird as a pet, bro.

It's no different than having
a parrot or a parakeet.

It's a bird, bro.

CHARLIE: You really can't.

And I'm not saying
I agree with it.

It's just that bird
law in this country,

it's not governed by reason.

DENNIS: There is no
such thing as bird law.

CHARLIE: Yes, there is!

DENNIS: You know what, I'm
gonna get a hummingbird

and I'll show you.

DEE: You guys, I have huge news.

CHARLIE: Hummingbirds
are illegal tender.

DENNIS: But I'm
going to get one.

CHARLIE: You can not.

DENNIS: To spite you,
I'm gonna get one.

DEE: Hello?

MAC: Where are we with gulls?

DEE: You guys!

CHARLIE: You can
keep a gull as a pet,

but you don't want to
live with a seabird,

OK, because the noise level
alone on those things--

have you ever heard
gull up close?

It's gonna blast
your eardrums out.

DEE: You guys, I'm serious!

CHARLIE: We're both men
of the law, you know?

We get after it, you know?

We jabber jaw, we
go tit for tat,

we have our little differences.

Now, mind you, the heretofore
document had dry ink on it

for at least many "forknights."

Hereto--

DEE: We signed it
a long time ago.

CHARLIE: It was a
long time ago signed.

CROWD: Yeah!

I knew it!

CHARLIE: It's still new
enough to be edible.

All right, touche.

You out-lawyered me there.

OK, tell you what though, let's
split Kitten Mittens 50/50,

and then you'll
never see me again.

Sustained!

Frank, move to strike!

FRANK: What do you got there?

CHARLIE: Let me
handle this, Frank.

It's not bull hard He's
making a few good points.

Good buddy.

I know a lot about the law,
and various other lawyerings.

I'm well-educated, well-versed.

I know that situations like
this, real estate wise,

they're very complex.

FRANK: But I'm here--

CHARLIE: OK.

I knew that guy
was full of shit!

I knew it!

DENNIS: What guy?

CHARLIE: That lawyer guy!

OK?

He totally besmirched
me today, and I

demand satisfaction. from him.

He slandered me in front
of a jury of my own peers,

all right?

Look what they used to do when
that sort of thing happened?

These are lawyers settling an
argument by dueling it out.

Frank, take it easy, bud!

You gotta use your head now.

Think about the law, all right?

What happens if you accidentally
hit a child with an umbrella?

In the eyes of law,
that is child abuse.

What happens then?

In the eyes of the law, you
have to give your properties

to the parents of that child.

I'm sorry, little kid.

He doesn't know
the law that well.