DENNIS: Describing an episode of Law and Order in full detail
is not a story.
CHARLIE: No, it's so good!
All right.
OK.
First of all, I think I could be a really good lawyer.
I'm like better than Sam Waterston,
I'll tell you that much.
DEE: Oh, you want to be a lawyer?
Don't you think you should know how to read or write?
CHARLIE: Objection!
Hearsay!
That's lawyer talk .
MAC: I wanna stop.
CHARLIE: Hey, man.
Shh.
We're gonna get you help, all right?
We're gonna get you that help.
But in the mean time, you gotta give
me the time to build your case, you
know, to help your defense out. [SINGING LAW AND ORDER THEME
SONG] Like, I gotta do my thing!
And then, [SINGING LAW AND ORDER THEME SONG] And then
I do some moves.
MAC: Yeah.
I'm into it.
CHARLIE: Yeah!
MAC: OK.
What the hell does that have anything
to do with what I'm talking about?
CHARLIE: I don't know, you know, it's just--
MAC: It's a great show.
CHARLIE: --lawyer stuff.
MAC: Charlie, are you gonna help me?
CHARLIE: Yeah, man.
MAC: Hear anything about your car?
CHARLIE: Ooh, accusations.
Those are no good.
MAC: That's my favorite.
CHARLIE: [SINGING LAW AND ORDER THEME SONG]
I'm pretty sure you need a warrant
to be doing this, buddy.
All I'm saying is that the book doesn't mean anything.
You got no evidence, you got no case, Frank!
Yes, lady madame of the court, I do
believe that this court will realize
that we were all victims of a terrible ordeal
that caused each and every one of us great physical,
and emotional trauma.
FRANK: Do you mind if my associate and I
ask you a couple questions?
MAC'S MOM: Whatever.
CHARLIE: Don't feel compelled to answer any of them, Mrs. Mac.
I will be recording this conversation.
FRANK: You want a fresh cigarette?
MAC'S MOM: Yeah.
FRANK: Well, I noticed you like cherry pie.
CHARLIE: Uh, quit the chit-chat, Frank.
My client is clearly a busy woman.
Ask your questions.
FRANK: In your opinion, ma'am, was your son an angry child?
CHARLIE: Objection.
Leading.
FRANK: Did he ever exhibit any hatred toward women?
CHARLIE: Irrelevant questioning.
FRANK: Do you think he was raised
in a dysfunctional family?
CHARLIE: Move to strike.
FRANK: Wait a minute, what are you talking about?
CHARLIE: C'mon dude, ask a couple fair questions!
All right, I'm gonna give you one question,
and then we're out of here!
One question!
FRANK: Do you think your son's out there killing people?
MAC'S MOM: Yeah.
CHARLIE AND FRANK: AH!
FRANK: That's it lady!
I'm going out--
CHARLIE: Damn it!
You just buried me!
You buried me!
That's my whole case!
I'll be in touch.
So look, here's what you gotta do.
You gotta deny.
MAC: Deny, deny--
CHARLIE: Just deny it!
MAC: Deny, deny--
CHARLIE: Always deny!
MAC: Deny until the end!
CHARLIE: Because if you deny something,
it means it never happened.
MAC: Never happened.
CHARLIE: Ladies and gentleman of the court, these
were dire times, and dire actions were
needed to get those tickets!
FRANK: We got ourselves a serial killer.
CHARLIE: No, you don't have anything.
That's inconclusive, right?
FRANK: Look at him!
CHARLIE: You gotta have hard evidence.
FRANK: He's sneaking away!
CHARLIE: You don't have any hard evidence, man.
Objection!
Extremely racist!
Don't ever admit to that!
Don't ever admit it!
It makes my job that much harder.
A kangaroo court, it's a kangaroo court.
MAC: More ripped.
CHARLIE: Strike that.
MAC: Jacked.
CHARLIE: Irrelevant.
MAC: Toned.
CHARLIE: Exaggeration.
MAC: I work out.
CHARLIE: I'll allow it.
Let the record show that we question that hotel's
sanitation procedures.
I'm gonna get you out of this.
Don't be afraid to show me your ugly side.
MAC: Charlie.
CHARLIE: Damn it, Mac!
I told you not to go back!
You're digging me in a pretty big hole.
Aw, you're talking to an innocent man.
Did you, or did you not, snap into an alternate and distinct
personality, causing you to go on a serial killing rampage?
When did you start hearing voices?
That could actually help us.
Dude, wait so you're not a serial killer?
MAC: No!
CHARLIE: I just won this case, that means you're a free man!
And, you know what, I'm going to toss in my counter-suit.
Charlie Kelly versus Major League Baseball,
Billy Frenetic.
DEE: Don't do it, Charlie.
CHARLIE: This guy's got a strangle hold
on the mascot's suit.
DEE: What's happening?
CHARLIE: All right, first of all,
I had to call him the Frenetic.
His name's the Fanatic, but, you know,
I'm going to sued by Major League Baseball
if I call him the Fanatic.
And let's talk about steroids!
Can we talked about steroids?
Can we talk about steroid abuse?
It's bullshit!
It's ruining the game.
It's ruining it.
I'll allow it.
LAWYER: Sorry, I forgot.
Where did you go to law school, again?
CHARLIE: I could ask you that very same question.
LAWYER: I went to Harvard.
How about you?
CHARLIE: I'm pleading the fifth, sir.
LAWYER: I'd advise that you do that.
CHARLIE: And I'll take that advise
into cooperation, all right?
Now let's say you and I go toe to toe on bird law,
and see who comes out the victim.
DENNIS: No, but it's not illegal!
CHARLIE: Says the guy who knows nothing about the law!
DENNIS: I can absolutely keep a hummingbird as a pet, bro.
It's no different than having a parrot or a parakeet.
It's a bird, bro.
CHARLIE: You really can't.
And I'm not saying I agree with it.
It's just that bird law in this country,
it's not governed by reason.
DENNIS: There is no such thing as bird law.
CHARLIE: Yes, there is!
DENNIS: You know what, I'm gonna get a hummingbird
and I'll show you.
DEE: You guys, I have huge news.
CHARLIE: Hummingbirds are illegal tender.
DENNIS: But I'm going to get one.
CHARLIE: You can not.
DENNIS: To spite you, I'm gonna get one.
DEE: Hello?
MAC: Where are we with gulls?
DEE: You guys!
CHARLIE: You can keep a gull as a pet,
but you don't want to live with a seabird,
OK, because the noise level alone on those things--
have you ever heard gull up close?
It's gonna blast your eardrums out.
DEE: You guys, I'm serious!
CHARLIE: We're both men of the law, you know?
We get after it, you know?
We jabber jaw, we go tit for tat,
we have our little differences.
Now, mind you, the heretofore document had dry ink on it
for at least many "forknights."
Hereto--
DEE: We signed it a long time ago.
CHARLIE: It was a long time ago signed.
CROWD: Yeah!
I knew it!
CHARLIE: It's still new enough to be edible.
All right, touche.
You out-lawyered me there.
OK, tell you what though, let's split Kitten Mittens 50/50,
and then you'll never see me again.
Sustained!
Frank, move to strike!
FRANK: What do you got there?
CHARLIE: Let me handle this, Frank.
It's not bull hard He's making a few good points.
Good buddy.
I know a lot about the law, and various other lawyerings.
I'm well-educated, well-versed.
I know that situations like this, real estate wise,
they're very complex.
FRANK: But I'm here--
CHARLIE: OK.
I knew that guy was full of shit!
I knew it!
DENNIS: What guy?
CHARLIE: That lawyer guy!
OK?
He totally besmirched me today, and I
demand satisfaction. from him.
He slandered me in front of a jury of my own peers,
all right?
Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened?
These are lawyers settling an argument by dueling it out.
Frank, take it easy, bud!
You gotta use your head now.
Think about the law, all right?
What happens if you accidentally hit a child with an umbrella?
In the eyes of law, that is child abuse.
What happens then?
In the eyes of the law, you have to give your properties
to the parents of that child.
I'm sorry, little kid.
He doesn't know the law that well.