0:00:00.000,0:00:01.280


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DENNIS: Describing an episode[br]of Law and Order in full detail

0:00:03.950,0:00:04.807
is not a story.

0:00:04.807,0:00:05.890
CHARLIE: No, it's so good!

0:00:05.890,0:00:06.230
All right.

0:00:06.230,0:00:06.570
OK.

0:00:06.570,0:00:08.630
First of all, I think I could[br]be a really good lawyer.

0:00:08.630,0:00:09.450
I'm like better[br]than Sam Waterston,

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I'll tell you that much.

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DEE: Oh, you want[br]to be a lawyer?

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Don't you think you should[br]know how to read or write?

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CHARLIE: Objection!

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Hearsay!

0:00:14.620,0:00:15.480
That's lawyer talk .

0:00:15.480,0:00:16.230
MAC: I wanna stop.

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CHARLIE: Hey, man.

0:00:16.600,0:00:17.100
Shh.

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Shh.

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We're gonna get you[br]help, all right?

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We're gonna get you that help.

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But in the mean[br]time, you gotta give

0:00:21.770,0:00:23.961
me the time to[br]build your case, you

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know, to help your defense out.[br][SINGING LAW AND ORDER THEME

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SONG] Like, I gotta do my thing!

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And then, [SINGING LAW AND ORDER[br]THEME SONG] And then

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I do some moves.

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MAC: Yeah.

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I'm into it.

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CHARLIE: Yeah!

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MAC: OK.

0:00:38.670,0:00:39.720
What the hell does[br]that have anything

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to do with what[br]I'm talking about?

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CHARLIE: I don't know,[br]you know, it's just--

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MAC: It's a great show.

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CHARLIE: --lawyer stuff.

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MAC: Charlie, are[br]you gonna help me?

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CHARLIE: Yeah, man.

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MAC: Hear anything[br]about your car?

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CHARLIE: Ooh, accusations.

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Those are no good.

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MAC: That's my favorite.

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CHARLIE: [SINGING LAW AND ORDER[br]THEME SONG]

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I'm pretty sure[br]you need a warrant

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to be doing this, buddy.

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All I'm saying is that the[br]book doesn't mean anything.

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You got no evidence,[br]you got no case, Frank!

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Yes, lady madame[br]of the court, I do

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believe that this[br]court will realize

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that we were all victims[br]of a terrible ordeal

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that caused each and every[br]one of us great physical,

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and emotional trauma.

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FRANK: Do you mind[br]if my associate and I

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ask you a couple questions?

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MAC'S MOM: Whatever.

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CHARLIE: Don't feel compelled[br]to answer any of them, Mrs. Mac.

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I will be recording[br]this conversation.

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FRANK: You want a[br]fresh cigarette?

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MAC'S MOM: Yeah.

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FRANK: Well, I noticed[br]you like cherry pie.

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CHARLIE: Uh, quit[br]the chit-chat, Frank.

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My client is clearly[br]a busy woman.

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Ask your questions.

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FRANK: In your opinion, ma'am,[br]was your son an angry child?

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CHARLIE: Objection.

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Leading.

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FRANK: Did he ever exhibit[br]any hatred toward women?

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CHARLIE: Irrelevant questioning.

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FRANK: Do you[br]think he was raised

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in a dysfunctional family?

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CHARLIE: Move to strike.

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FRANK: Wait a minute, what[br]are you talking about?

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CHARLIE: C'mon dude, ask[br]a couple fair questions!

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All right, I'm gonna[br]give you one question,

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and then we're out of here!

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One question!

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FRANK: Do you think your son's[br]out there killing people?

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MAC'S MOM: Yeah.

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CHARLIE AND FRANK: AH!

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FRANK: That's it lady!

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I'm going out--

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CHARLIE: Damn it!

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You just buried me!

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You buried me!

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That's my whole case!

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I'll be in touch.

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So look, here's[br]what you gotta do.

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You gotta deny.

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MAC: Deny, deny--

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CHARLIE: Just deny it!

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MAC: Deny, deny--

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CHARLIE: Always deny!

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MAC: Deny until the end!

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CHARLIE: Because if[br]you deny something,

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it means it never happened.

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MAC: Never happened.

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CHARLIE: Ladies and[br]gentleman of the court, these

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were dire times, and[br]dire actions were

0:02:16.310,0:02:19.170
needed to get those tickets!

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FRANK: We got ourselves[br]a serial killer.

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CHARLIE: No, you[br]don't have anything.

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That's inconclusive, right?

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FRANK: Look at him!

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CHARLIE: You gotta[br]have hard evidence.

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FRANK: He's sneaking away!

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CHARLIE: You don't have[br]any hard evidence, man.

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Objection!

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Extremely racist!

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Don't ever admit to that!

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Don't ever admit it!

0:02:32.370,0:02:34.250
It makes my job[br]that much harder.

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A kangaroo court,[br]it's a kangaroo court.

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MAC: More ripped.

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CHARLIE: Strike that.

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MAC: Jacked.

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CHARLIE: Irrelevant.

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MAC: Toned.

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CHARLIE: Exaggeration.

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MAC: I work out.

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CHARLIE: I'll allow it.

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Let the record show that[br]we question that hotel's

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sanitation procedures.

0:02:47.490,0:02:48.740
I'm gonna get you out of this.

0:02:48.740,0:02:50.700
Don't be afraid to[br]show me your ugly side.

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MAC: Charlie.

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CHARLIE: Damn it, Mac!

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I told you not to go back!

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You're digging me in[br]a pretty big hole.

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Aw, you're talking[br]to an innocent man.

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Did you, or did you not, snap[br]into an alternate and distinct

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personality, causing you to go[br]on a serial killing rampage?

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When did you start[br]hearing voices?

0:03:04.560,0:03:06.754
That could actually help us.

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Dude, wait so you're[br]not a serial killer?

0:03:09.110,0:03:09.830
MAC: No!

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CHARLIE: I just won this case,[br]that means you're a free man!

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And, you know what, I'm going[br]to toss in my counter-suit.

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Charlie Kelly versus[br]Major League Baseball,

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Billy Frenetic.

0:03:17.800,0:03:19.230
DEE: Don't do it, Charlie.

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CHARLIE: This guy's[br]got a strangle hold

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on the mascot's suit.

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DEE: What's happening?

0:03:22.440,0:03:23.130
CHARLIE: All right,[br]first of all,

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I had to call him the Frenetic.

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His name's the[br]Fanatic, but, you know,

0:03:26.340,0:03:28.390
I'm going to sued by[br]Major League Baseball

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if I call him the Fanatic.

0:03:29.550,0:03:31.440
And let's talk about steroids!

0:03:31.440,0:03:33.370
Can we talked about steroids?

0:03:33.370,0:03:35.630
Can we talk about steroid abuse?

0:03:35.630,0:03:36.360
It's bullshit!

0:03:36.360,0:03:37.640
It's ruining the game.

0:03:37.640,0:03:39.880
It's ruining it.

0:03:39.880,0:03:40.960
I'll allow it.

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LAWYER: Sorry, I forgot.

0:03:42.270,0:03:43.854
Where did you go to[br]law school, again?

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CHARLIE: I could ask you[br]that very same question.

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LAWYER: I went to Harvard.

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How about you?

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CHARLIE: I'm pleading[br]the fifth, sir.

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LAWYER: I'd advise[br]that you do that.

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CHARLIE: And I'll[br]take that advise

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into cooperation, all right?

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Now let's say you and I[br]go toe to toe on bird law,

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and see who comes[br]out the victim.

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DENNIS: No, but[br]it's not illegal!

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CHARLIE: Says the guy who[br]knows nothing about the law!

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DENNIS: I can absolutely keep[br]a hummingbird as a pet, bro.

0:04:04.872,0:04:07.080
It's no different than having[br]a parrot or a parakeet.

0:04:07.080,0:04:08.359
It's a bird, bro.

0:04:08.359,0:04:09.442
CHARLIE: You really can't.

0:04:09.442,0:04:11.254
And I'm not saying[br]I agree with it.

0:04:11.254,0:04:12.920
It's just that bird[br]law in this country,

0:04:12.920,0:04:14.030
it's not governed by reason.

0:04:14.030,0:04:15.690
DENNIS: There is no[br]such thing as bird law.

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CHARLIE: Yes, there is!

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DENNIS: You know what, I'm[br]gonna get a hummingbird

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and I'll show you.

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DEE: You guys, I have huge news.

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CHARLIE: Hummingbirds[br]are illegal tender.

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DENNIS: But I'm[br]going to get one.

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CHARLIE: You can not.

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DENNIS: To spite you,[br]I'm gonna get one.

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DEE: Hello?

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MAC: Where are we with gulls?

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DEE: You guys!

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CHARLIE: You can[br]keep a gull as a pet,

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but you don't want to[br]live with a seabird,

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OK, because the noise level[br]alone on those things--

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have you ever heard[br]gull up close?

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It's gonna blast[br]your eardrums out.

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DEE: You guys, I'm serious!

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CHARLIE: We're both men[br]of the law, you know?

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We get after it, you know?

0:04:39.500,0:04:41.760
We jabber jaw, we[br]go tit for tat,

0:04:41.760,0:04:43.370
we have our little differences.

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Now, mind you, the heretofore[br]document had dry ink on it

0:04:48.550,0:04:51.500
for at least many "forknights."

0:04:51.500,0:04:52.245
Hereto--

0:04:52.245,0:04:53.661
DEE: We signed it[br]a long time ago.

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CHARLIE: It was a[br]long time ago signed.

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CROWD: Yeah!

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I knew it!

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CHARLIE: It's still new[br]enough to be edible.

0:05:01.620,0:05:02.586
All right, touche.

0:05:02.586,0:05:04.040
You out-lawyered me there.

0:05:04.040,0:05:07.840
OK, tell you what though, let's[br]split Kitten Mittens 50/50,

0:05:07.840,0:05:09.455
and then you'll[br]never see me again.

0:05:09.455,0:05:09.955
Sustained!

0:05:09.955,0:05:11.070
Frank, move to strike!

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FRANK: What do you got there?

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CHARLIE: Let me[br]handle this, Frank.

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It's not bull hard He's[br]making a few good points.

0:05:15.340,0:05:16.560
Good buddy.

0:05:16.560,0:05:19.950
I know a lot about the law,[br]and various other lawyerings.

0:05:19.950,0:05:21.950
I'm well-educated, well-versed.

0:05:21.950,0:05:24.650
I know that situations like[br]this, real estate wise,

0:05:24.650,0:05:26.180
they're very complex.

0:05:26.180,0:05:27.140
FRANK: But I'm here--

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CHARLIE: OK.

0:05:28.580,0:05:30.542
I knew that guy[br]was full of shit!

0:05:30.542,0:05:31.042
I knew it!

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DENNIS: What guy?

0:05:31.897,0:05:32.938
CHARLIE: That lawyer guy!

0:05:32.938,0:05:33.438
OK?

0:05:33.438,0:05:35.870
He totally besmirched[br]me today, and I

0:05:35.870,0:05:37.550
demand satisfaction. from him.

0:05:37.550,0:05:39.865
He slandered me in front[br]of a jury of my own peers,

0:05:39.865,0:05:40.540
all right?

0:05:40.540,0:05:42.998
Look what they used to do when[br]that sort of thing happened?

0:05:42.998,0:05:45.734
These are lawyers settling an[br]argument by dueling it out.

0:05:45.734,0:05:47.710
Frank, take it easy, bud!

0:05:47.710,0:05:49.192
You gotta use your head now.

0:05:49.192,0:05:50.607
Think about the law, all right?

0:05:50.607,0:05:53.190
What happens if you accidentally[br]hit a child with an umbrella?

0:05:53.190,0:05:55.678
In the eyes of law,[br]that is child abuse.

0:05:55.678,0:05:56.602
What happens then?

0:05:56.602,0:05:58.935
In the eyes of the law, you[br]have to give your properties

0:05:58.935,0:06:00.599
to the parents of that child.

0:06:00.599,0:06:01.900
I'm sorry, little kid.

0:06:01.900,0:06:04.410
He doesn't know[br]the law that well.