Why does my affection affect you? | Tiago Schmitz | TEDxLaçador

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

Tiago Schmitz is a journalist, postgraduated in marketing by the Business School of the Universidade Federal do Rio Grande do Sul, but it was in his grandma kitchen that he figured out the essence and the meaning of his life.
Tiago learned that a path of consciousness only starts in the moment we accept ourselves and act in a positive way about our own identity. This talk invites us to think about the non-acceptance of others, whoever they might be. To what dgree are all of us colaborating to the construction of prejudice? And what do we do to change that? This talk leaves us with one question: "Why does my affection affect you?" Maybe if we think more about that, tolerance will happen and we'll be better people to the world.
Tiago Schimtz defines himself as a dreamer that believes in the power of transformation of yourself and of others' to make the world a better place. In 2014, after ten years working in the marketing area, he decided to take his personal project out of the paper and started "Charlie Brownie," a brand of candies that look up to be inspiring, making people's days happier.

I think my heart's never beaten
so hard in my life.

It's a pretty unique
experience to be here.

First, I'd like to thank you
for the opportunity to share my story.

In the last three weeks I've thought
a lot about the contribution

that I'd have to bring here to you.

I didn't sleep a couple nights
because of that.

I called my speech
"A path of consciousness,"

because I believe that,
as this is the theme of the event,

the path of consciousness only begins
when we start to accept ourselves

and, more than that, we do something
positive of our own identity.

I never managed to talk
openly about this in my life,

this is the first time
that I bring this up publicly

and you need a lot of courage
to talk about subjects like this.

But the fact that I suffered
violence because of my nature

was always a turning point in my life.

Two Tiagos existed to me:

one that during his growth

looked up to be a highlighted professional
and respected by his actions,

and the other one who in his intimacy
wasn't able to accept himself

and didn't consider himself
worthy of happiness.

And while these two Tiagos didn't meet

I wouldn't ever be able
to find a path to happiness.

And I wanted to bring here to you
an image that could transmit

a little bit of the message
that I want to pass on right now.

And I found this one in my preteenagehood.

I was 12 years old, and it was
in my first communion.

As I am from a small town,

my parents aren't religious but it was
an important ritual to be lived.

Then my mother decided

that instead of renting or buying a suit
like most of the families do

she would buy new clothes

so that I could wear them
later in my life.

But there was a problem:

I had slightly long hair,

an angelic face

and the details of the clothes were pink.

When I got in front of the church
I was feeling gorgeous, different,

but the catechesis teacher asked me

to enter the church apart from the group.

While the boys entered side by side
with the girls, by size order,

I entered there alone, and I was
by far the tallest of the group.

When I came into the church,
the looks were of surprise, of wonder

and even of judgement, I think.

I got scared with that.

I didn't know
how to handle that situation.

It took around three years
for me to look at those pictures again

and I ripped all of them off.

But for some reason
this one ended up being saved.

It also took me a long time to comprehend

my mom's behavior.

Initially I thought that she
had exposed me to much

but now I understand
that what she was doing was in fact

an act of acceptance of my sexuality;

that to her, despite what society thought,

I was a beautiful and normal child.

In the sequence of my life I went through
a series of bullying situations

like most homosexuals.

I suffered bullying at school,
at college, at work,

but actually it's not about bullying
that I want to talk about here

because I believe that we have to learn

to do something positive
out of negative things in our lives,

so that we can be better human beings.

But it's evident that situations
of prejudice and violence

have consequences in our behavior.

Until my thirties I was an antisocial,
repressed, aggressive person,

and I wasn't able to comprehend myself.

With that, I also couldn't
comprehend others.

The fact that I suffered prejudice

made me absorb this prejudice
and I began to be a biased person.

I was biased against myself,
against others homosexuals.

I was biased against people in general.

For me it was like
the law of action and reaction.

As I received violence

I thought that I should spread
this violence to the world,

that I should repress my behavior
and all of my homosexual gestures

so that I wouldn't suffer more violence.

But it's evident that this model
doesn't sustain itself.

I also felt alone in this world.

As I come from a small town
with 20,000 inhabitants

and in my teenagehood
internet wasn't so popular yet,

I thought I was the only
homosexual in the world

and so I wasn't worthy of happiness,

that I really wasn't a normal person.

With time and with data and information
being shared on the internet,

I had access to information like this one:

a research in 500 Brazilian schools

revealed that 26 percent of the students
declared that they don't accept us,

25 percent believed
that we aren't trustable,

and 23 percent believed
that we are mentally ill.

I already have thought
all of that about myself.

Nowadays, I don't think that way anymore.

I also developed a certain rage
at the school model.

I had a lot of anger against schools
and against what happened in classrooms.

But, with time, I gave a new meaning
to this rage and I understood that in fact

schools are nothing
but the reflex of our society.

And if society doesn't change,
schools won't change either.

Therefore, I bring another
important information:

based on "Disque Denúncia,"
in the last four years

the index of complaints
of homophobia rose up by 460 percent.

This information has two sides:
one positive, that we, homosexuals,

are now able to talk more about this
and to claim our rights;

and the other that intolerance
might have increased.

Regardless of the interpretation
we make of this data,

I think that in the Brazilian society

we still have to discuss a lot
about tolerance and acceptance.

I ask you - not only regarding
the acceptance of homosexual people,

but the acceptance of others
regardless of who he might be.

When you look in the mirror,
what do you see?

Do you accept your hair,
and in my case, the lack of it?

Do you accept your weight, your gender?

Do you accept that of others?

And how do we contribute
for these concealed prejudices

to keep happening in our society?

Isn't it time for us to give
all of this a new meaning?

Like in that situation of my communion,
when that happened to me

and I received judgemental looks
for being different,

I still think society is too schematized
to give privilege to some people.

Like heterosexuals,
white people, rich people...

But how can we consciously
leave these models?

We've been educated to accept
certain behaviors, and not to question:

the clothes we wear,

the toys, that are defined by gender,

the housework,
that is associated to women,

the way we have to behave.

Who defined all of that?

Isn't it time for us to change
the meaning of these things?

I learned, in the hard way,
that the more I judged the other,

the less I would be comprehended.

When I started offering
comprehension to the world,

the world also started to comprehend me.

This became a mantra in my life,
and every day I try to say that:

"Judgement isolates people,
comprehension brings them together.

Judgement isolates people,
comprehension brings them together."

With that I learned that in fact

to be gay shouldn't be a subject
to be discussed in society.

This shouldn't be relevant.

I needed two years of therapy
to comprehend this

and to understand that I am Tiago,
I am a human being, a good person,

with hits and misses, that I deserve
to be happy, as do all of you.

I learned that with one of the persons
that brought me more learning in my life.

This person is here today,
she's 80 years old, and she's watching me.

(Applause)

Thank you.

It was in my grandma kitchen,
Massimília Conceição da Câmara,

that I learned how to be a person.

To her my sexuality never needed
to be a subject to be discussed.

She never asked me this question,
not because she was afraid of the answer,

but because to her
I've always been her grandson, Tiago,

a human being that deserves
respect, care, affection and acceptance

like all human beings, not only me.

My grandmother's love saved me
from addiction and self-aggression.

Through this gesture, I understood
that what humanity needs

isn't our aggressivity, neither our fears,

but love, whenever we can achieve it:

self-love, love for others,

including love for people
that we can't comprehend.

And it was only at this point
that I was able to free myself.

I could free myself from my job,

and from the most deep
prejudices that were inside me.

When I freed myself

from this heavy load that was inside me

I was able to make room for love.

And then my entrepreneurial
project came about.

It was from this liberation
that I could understand

my talent and the positive things
that I could do in my life.

It was in my grandma's kitchen
that I found myself.

It was from her sensibility
that I developed my own.

I didn't need to do a gastronomy course,

I didn't need to do anything.

I simply needed to liberate
something that was already inside me,

through the relation I had with her.

Then things started to be light in life.

Things started to come about
in a very easy and beautiful way.

Today I don't think I have a brand,

a company that may become international,

and that with that I can be a millionaire.

This doesn't even matter to me.

What I think is that I have a life project

that I share with other people.

From the moment that I accepted
and understood myself as a human being

I started to develop a pretty important
feeling in the world today,

that is empathy.

Today I comprehend
the suffering of others,

I can comprehend
the development of others,

and the importance of bringing up
a talent of our own and that of others.

I try to do this in my project.

The people that work with me
aren't my employees;

they are dreamers,
that dream their dreams with me.

Last night they recorded a message for me,

because during the last week they noticed
that I was tense to be here on this stage,

because I don't hide who I am anymore.

Then they sent this positivity
message to me.

There's nothing cooler in life
than to receive a gesture of kindness.

I'm so thankful that today
I could find this gesture.

It was only when I started to respect
and accept myself and other people

that I understood
the world can be lighter.

Things don't have to be dense and heavy,
it doesn't matter the noise outside.

When we can hear ourselves

all that noise becomes silence.

And I know that the path to find
our consciousness and to accept ourselves

is really complex, dense;

I took 18, 20 years to find myself.

But more important
than that is that we can be good

and try to transmit good to other people.

I feel a little bit like
a priest saying that...

(Laughter)

but I became an optimist person

because I believe in the human being
and in our potential as human beings.

I think that this movement
must come from inside, always.

Today we talk a lot about
empowering others,

about how much we can
empower other people.

But I think we can't empower anyone,

what we can do is to show these people
that we are beside them in this walk

because empowering comes from inside.

And for people that still suffer
some kind of prejudice,

that feel less than others
because of that,

that think they aren't worthy of happiness
as had happened to me,

and end up falling into addictions
like drugs, alcohol, indebtedness,

and a series of other addictions,

what I have to say to you

is that anxiety and difficulties
will only get out of you

when you start listening
to what's in your heart;

when you start to comprehend
who you are in the world

and how you can be nice to the world.

We can all be much more
than what we imagine.

Today, with my project
and my conquered freedom,

I can support the fight for the rights
of gay people like me, with no fear;

the rights of black people,
the rights of the elderly,

and any human being's rights.

Today I think that it's
from micro-revolutions

that we can transform the world.

I try to do this every day,
with different actions in my life.

Today I think that we are all equal,
and I look at that communion picture

and it doesn't bother me anymore.

I think that I looked pretty well,
dressed that way.

And I miss my hair.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

Thank you.

I think that our essence
says a lot about who we are.

I needed to revisit
my relationship with my grandma,

my relationship with my mom,
my family's acceptance of my story,

so that I could rebuild
the human being that I am today

and be a better human.

I have developed gratitude
for all my journey

because if I hadn't gone
through that communion situation,

those bullying situations,
and that violence I experienced,

I wouldn't have become
the human being I am today;

that is why it is so important
to give a new meaning

to negative things that happen in life.

What I say is that today I feel
like the best human being in the world.

I don't think that I'm the only
best human being in the world,

I think we all are
the best human beings in the world.

And we need to believe in that because
the world already has enough intolerance,

Brazil is already polarized enough,
and while we can't understand

that only by self-empowering
we'll be able to transform the world,

we won't leave this status.

I think it's more honest
for us to be as we are

than as others expect us to be.

And here I'll mention two gay men
who, throughout history, for me,

were very important,
they suffered violence too,

but they managed to do
something good out of that.

One of them was Harvey Milk, in the USA,

who ended up being victim of murder
for defending gay rights

in the '60s.

And the other one, misunderstood
in his time, is Caio Fernando Abreu.

"Gaucho" as us, he ended up
being a victim of AIDS

and today his texts
have been popularized on the internet.

To finish my message, I would like
to ask you this question:

why does my affection affect you?

Why are we so intolerant?

I hope that from that we can develop
a little bit more empathy

and make the world much more meaningful.

Thank you.

(Applause)