Living an authentic life | Dr. Maria Sirois | TEDxBerkshires
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0:03 - 0:06Think of one thing that you do
when you are procrastinating, -
0:06 - 0:09when you're not doing
the thing you ought be doing. -
0:09 - 0:10One thing.
-
0:10 - 0:12Everybody got one?
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0:12 - 0:13Okay, can I hear a few?
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0:13 - 0:14(Audience) E-mail.
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0:14 - 0:15E-mail.
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0:15 - 0:16(Audience) Clean the house.
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0:16 - 0:19Clean the house.
Why don't you live with me? -
0:19 - 0:20(Laughter)
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0:20 - 0:21(Audience) Facebook.
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0:21 - 0:23Television, Facebook, one more?
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0:23 - 0:24(Audience) Play with the dogs.
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0:24 - 0:25Pardon?
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0:25 - 0:27You play with the dogs, right.
Play with the dogs. -
0:27 - 0:32You have a duty to perform,
this is Jalal ad-Din Rumi. -
0:32 - 0:33You have a duty to perform.
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0:33 - 0:38Do anything else, do any number of things:
clean the house, go on e-mail, eat. -
0:38 - 0:39(Audience) Eat.
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0:39 - 0:40(Laughter)
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0:40 - 0:43Eat, walk the dogs.
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0:43 - 0:47Do anything else, do any number of things,
occupy your time fully. -
0:47 - 0:54And yet, if you do not do this task,
your time here will have been wasted. -
0:55 - 0:56A very fierce teaching.
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0:56 - 0:59You have a duty to perform, and yet,
if you do not do this one task, -
0:59 - 1:01your time here will have been wasted.
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1:01 - 1:04What is he talking about?
What was Rumi trying to tell us? -
1:04 - 1:08He was trying to tell us
that it is up to us to come awake, -
1:08 - 1:11to come alive, fully alive,
in the one life that we can live; -
1:11 - 1:15to move away from the limitations
that keep us small and boxed in; -
1:16 - 1:21to come into the unique
particular being that we are, each of us. -
1:22 - 1:26He understood, Rumi, that this
was a particularly kind of difficult task. -
1:26 - 1:29It isn't easy to know what it means
to live an authentic life, -
1:29 - 1:31to be fully in yourself, all of the time.
-
1:31 - 1:36And so, he also then wrote a beautiful
invitation to sort of self-compassion. -
1:36 - 1:40Come, he said, come, whoever you are;
-
1:40 - 1:43wanderers, worshippers, lovers of leaving,
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1:43 - 1:47eaters, house cleaners, e-mail doers,
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1:47 - 1:48whoever you are.
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1:49 - 1:51Ours is not a caravan of despair.
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1:52 - 1:55Come, even if you have broken your vow,
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1:55 - 1:59even if we've fallen off
our own wagon a thousand times: -
1:59 - 2:03come, come yet again, come.
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2:05 - 2:09I'm Maria Sirois, a clinical psychologist
and inspirational speaker. -
2:09 - 2:12I work, as Jamie said,
in the world of death and dying, -
2:12 - 2:14but also the world of flourishing,
-
2:14 - 2:17and one minute into my first experience
-
2:17 - 2:19of working with a child
who had a terminal illness, -
2:20 - 2:21at Dana-Farber in Boston,
-
2:21 - 2:24I figured out that I
was going to have to figure out -
2:24 - 2:26what we knew about how to survive well,
-
2:26 - 2:29you know, how do we rise
in the presence of difficult moments, -
2:29 - 2:32how do we thrive
when Haiti crashes and crumbles, -
2:32 - 2:35how do we keep ourselves intact?
-
2:36 - 2:38And it turns out,
we do know how to do this, -
2:38 - 2:41"we" meaning the positive psychologists
and the mind-body medicine people -
2:41 - 2:43and the poets and the artists
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2:43 - 2:45throughout the centuries
do know something, -
2:45 - 2:50and it has to do with this notion
of actually living an authentic life. -
2:51 - 2:53That when we live an authentic life,
-
2:53 - 2:56when we live our life,
we actually can thrive. -
2:56 - 2:59When we try and live someone else's life,
have you ever tried that? -
2:59 - 3:01Have you ever married
somebody else's spouse? -
3:01 - 3:04Worked somebody else's job, right?
-
3:04 - 3:07Wore somebody else's clothes,
day after day after day after day? -
3:07 - 3:10And what starts to happen
is you start to... -
3:10 - 3:12feel un-alive.
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3:12 - 3:14The opposite of thriving.
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3:15 - 3:17Sup at your own table -
-
3:17 - 3:19this is Marcus Tullius Tiro,
-
3:19 - 3:22slave and then eventually
assistant to Cicero and freedman - -
3:22 - 3:24sup at your own table,
-
3:24 - 3:27drink from your own well,
speak from your own heart, -
3:27 - 3:30follow where your own path leads,
-
3:30 - 3:36for anyone who hopes to lead you
cannot help but lead you astray. -
3:37 - 3:39Drink from your own wells.
-
3:41 - 3:44So, what does this look like,
like in real life terms today? -
3:44 - 3:45What does this really look like?
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3:45 - 3:50It looks like a woman
I was teaching a couple of weeks ago, -
3:50 - 3:52who was at the start
of a five-day retreat program. -
3:52 - 3:54This was opening night,
-
3:54 - 3:57and I was invited to talk
a little bit about how we thrive, -
3:57 - 4:00and I had introduced
this notion of authenticity, -
4:00 - 4:02and it was the end of the program,
and I said, "Okay, -
4:02 - 4:04if you would to do this week,
-
4:04 - 4:06if you were going to do this one week,
-
4:06 - 4:09just one week, five percent
more authentically than before, -
4:09 - 4:10what would you do?"
-
4:10 - 4:14And this woman in her mid-50s,
late 60s stood up and said, -
4:14 - 4:16from Toronto, stood up and said:
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4:16 - 4:18"I would wear the bunny suit."
-
4:18 - 4:19(Laughter)
-
4:19 - 4:22Well, it was Easter time,
and she had come to the Berkshires -
4:22 - 4:27with a full-on, furry, tail, ears,
the whole thing bunny suit, -
4:27 - 4:30and had this this urge
to be the Easter Bunny. -
4:30 - 4:34It was a dream
she had had her entire life, -
4:34 - 4:37and she was determined
that at this moment in her life, -
4:37 - 4:38she was going to do it.
-
4:38 - 4:42I didn't see her the rest of the week
until she was getting ready to leave. -
4:42 - 4:44I said: "Did you do it?
Did you wear the bunny suit?" -
4:44 - 4:47She says: "I did. It was amazing.
-
4:47 - 4:50I put it on, and I thought,
'I don't care, I don't care anymore, -
4:50 - 4:52I don't care anymore
what anybody else thinks, -
4:52 - 4:55I am going to be what I wanted to be.
-
4:55 - 4:56I don't care.'
-
4:56 - 5:00And I took my basket of chocolates,
and every single person I saw that day, -
5:00 - 5:04I said to them the thing
I most wanted to hear when I was a girl, -
5:05 - 5:09I said to them: 'Here,
take as much as you want. -
5:11 - 5:14Take as much as you want.'"
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5:16 - 5:20You see, when we're authentic,
we are self-authoring. -
5:20 - 5:24We author our own way,
we author our own day, -
5:24 - 5:28we create our own look,
our own music, our own sound, -
5:28 - 5:32we come up with ideas that are ours,
that are uniquely ours, -
5:32 - 5:34we are self-measured and self-authoring,
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5:34 - 5:38we quiet other people's voices,
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5:39 - 5:41and we become who we can best be.
-
5:43 - 5:46And to be authentic
also means that we are congruent. -
5:46 - 5:49What that means is
that how you think and feel and act -
5:49 - 5:51and what you value in the world,
-
5:51 - 5:53they all sort of cohere together
-
5:53 - 5:57so that, if you were to say
to the world: I'm a kind person, -
5:57 - 5:59you would actually be kind,
and move in kind ways, -
5:59 - 6:01and elevate kindness when you'd see it,
-
6:01 - 6:04and you would reflect it back,
and you would honor it, -
6:04 - 6:09and you would be kind
and bring kindness alive. -
6:10 - 6:13And third, it also means
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6:13 - 6:17that we give ourselves
permission to be fully human. -
6:18 - 6:20This is from Tal Ben-Shahar,
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6:20 - 6:23Israeli psychologist,
former Harvard professor: -
6:23 - 6:27the notion that we get to have
all parts of us exist -
6:27 - 6:29and all parts of us be honored,
-
6:29 - 6:33because there isn't a person yet,
I think, in the world -
6:33 - 6:35who has figured out
how to be perfect, am I right? -
6:35 - 6:37At least in Berkshire County?
-
6:37 - 6:42There's one guy, it was a rumor,
it was a rumor, right? -
6:43 - 6:452,000 years ago.
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6:45 - 6:46Permission to be fully human.
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6:46 - 6:48When I was a ehm...
-
6:49 - 6:51younger mother,
-
6:51 - 6:53I had one of those moments
with my daughter -
6:53 - 6:55- frequent moments back then -
-
6:55 - 6:58when I had to give her
a consequence for something -
6:58 - 6:59- I would say punished,
-
6:59 - 7:03but thought it was too hard a word
for a modern mom so I said consequence, -
7:03 - 7:05so notice how already, just standing here,
-
7:05 - 7:07we edit ourselves
for the benefit of others - -
7:07 - 7:09the truth of the matter is
I punished the heck out of her, -
7:09 - 7:11and I sent her slamming upstairs,
-
7:11 - 7:14and she got halfway up,
three and a half years old, -
7:14 - 7:16she stopped dramatically on the landing,
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7:16 - 7:21and she screamed down at me:
"I hate you and I hate all of your parts." -
7:21 - 7:23(Laughter)
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7:27 - 7:30When we are authentic,
all the parts get to exist, -
7:30 - 7:32all of them get to play together,
-
7:32 - 7:34all the voices at the table
get to be heard. -
7:34 - 7:37We don't necessarily move
from all of those voices, -
7:37 - 7:41we choose the ones, most wisely of course,
that we live from and bring forward, -
7:41 - 7:43but they all get to exist:
the depressed voice, -
7:43 - 7:46the sad voice, the weary, the embittered,
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7:46 - 7:48the passionate, the impassionate,
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7:48 - 7:52the kind, the bold, the dull, the soft,
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7:53 - 7:54the still,
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7:54 - 7:58the shy, the introverted voices,
they all get to exist. -
7:59 - 8:01And when that happens,
-
8:01 - 8:06when the bunny gets to play,
whatever that might mean for us, -
8:06 - 8:08the buffalo also gets to play.
-
8:09 - 8:12Brené Brown talks about,
from the University of Houston, -
8:12 - 8:15how those of us
who live wholehearted lives -
8:15 - 8:19are those of us who allow
all of our parts to come together -
8:19 - 8:20and be...
-
8:22 - 8:24well, you know,
-
8:25 - 8:26just be.
-
8:27 - 8:28Just be.
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8:29 - 8:31That none of us is anything
-
8:31 - 8:34except who we are most fully
when we are wholehearted. -
8:34 - 8:39And the beauty of being wholehearted
is that we can then bring that to others. -
8:40 - 8:45Living authentically actually
generates authenticity in others. -
8:45 - 8:46It's one of the great benefits.
-
8:46 - 8:48It passes itself on,
-
8:48 - 8:51like generosity begets generosity
and kindness begets kindness, -
8:51 - 8:52authenticity does the same.
-
8:52 - 8:54If you're standing with someone,
-
8:54 - 8:57in the presence of someone
who is living truthfully, -
8:57 - 9:00you feel that urgency
to live that way too, -
9:00 - 9:04to figure out what your own
bunny suit might be, right? -
9:05 - 9:07And the other benefits that accrue
-
9:07 - 9:10from taking the time to figure out
what our one task is -
9:10 - 9:12and then going there
courageously step-by-step, -
9:12 - 9:15the other benefits
are increased self-esteem -
9:15 - 9:17and overall psychological well-being,
-
9:17 - 9:19less depression, less anxiety,
-
9:19 - 9:22less ridiculous eating
in the middle of the night, -
9:22 - 9:26you know, three o'clock in the morning,
going for the the third bag of Doritos. -
9:27 - 9:31We actually have more pleasure,
a sense of meaning in life, -
9:31 - 9:34and because of those we are happier.
-
9:36 - 9:42And, beautifully, wonderfully,
what we now understand -
9:42 - 9:47is that those of us who live more and more
into the truth of our own particular being -
9:47 - 9:51actually innovate more,
we are more creative, -
9:51 - 9:53we generate, we make things happen,
-
9:53 - 9:54when we are who we are,
-
9:54 - 9:57we can take a problem
like Duchenne muscular dystrophy -
9:57 - 9:58and say, thank you very much,
-
9:58 - 10:01I understand how this
was done for the last 200 years, -
10:01 - 10:02we are not going there.
-
10:02 - 10:05We are going here, we are going
to talk directly to the scientist, -
10:05 - 10:08and we're going to talk to other parents
about what has to happen, -
10:08 - 10:12we're going to bring two worlds together
and make something happen. -
10:12 - 10:14Or you can be a doctor
like Mark Hyman and say: -
10:14 - 10:16"I know about obesity,
I'm a medical doctor, -
10:16 - 10:18but I also know something
about the human condition -
10:18 - 10:20and I can understand
-
10:20 - 10:23that connection has to live fully
in order for health to arise, -
10:23 - 10:25and so why can't I bring
those two together? -
10:25 - 10:27Why can't I create it together?"
-
10:27 - 10:29Or you can be like,
I don't even know his name, -
10:29 - 10:32who makes organs with a printing machine,
-
10:32 - 10:33you know?
-
10:33 - 10:37When we are authentic,
we are freed up to create, -
10:37 - 10:39because we aren't damped down.
-
10:39 - 10:41When you damp down a part of yourself,
-
10:41 - 10:45when I damp down parts of myself,
the other parts don't get to exist. -
10:45 - 10:47I think it was Golda Meir who said:
-
10:47 - 10:49"If you do not experience
the depth of your sadness, -
10:49 - 10:53you cannot experience
the fullness of your joy." -
10:58 - 11:00And so...
-
11:02 - 11:06I invite you, tonight, as you go home,
-
11:06 - 11:09like not right now,
but soon, when you go home, -
11:09 - 11:12to think about what it would be like to -
-
11:12 - 11:15for the next few hours,
maybe just the rest of this day - -
11:15 - 11:19to step into five percent
more authenticity. -
11:19 - 11:21What might that be like?
-
11:22 - 11:24Would you go to bed early? Would you not?
-
11:24 - 11:27Would you wear, you know,
flannel pajamas -
11:27 - 11:29or not wear nothing at all?
-
11:29 - 11:31Would you stay awake late into the night
-
11:31 - 11:34because you've seen or heard
one thing tonight -
11:34 - 11:36that is so, like, fascinating to you
-
11:36 - 11:39that the thought of staying
with that one thing -
11:39 - 11:40for just a little bit longer
-
11:40 - 11:43helps you feel like
you're six years old again, -
11:43 - 11:46and the world was bright and magical,
and anything could happen, -
11:46 - 11:49the Easter Bunny actually
could show up the next morning, -
11:49 - 11:50and chocolate could be given,
-
11:50 - 11:53and you could take as much
as you wanted from the world. -
11:53 - 11:55Remember when you were six?
-
11:55 - 11:59Remember when we were six,
and the world had a kind of magic to it? -
12:01 - 12:05When I was six,
I spent a lot of time in church. -
12:07 - 12:10And I loved my church,
and I loved my faith, -
12:10 - 12:14and I loved it so much, the whole thing:
the story, the Catholic church, -
12:14 - 12:17the son of God, the mystery,
the ritual, the rite, the incense, -
12:17 - 12:18the whole thing, loved it all.
-
12:18 - 12:21And so by the time I was eight,
I'd screwed up my courage enough -
12:21 - 12:24to go to the nuns and say the thing
that had been in my heart -
12:24 - 12:26for a very long time already -
-
12:26 - 12:28six to eight is a very long time
when you're a young girl - -
12:28 - 12:30and I went up to the nuns on a Wednesday -
-
12:30 - 12:33I don't know why catechism
was always on Wednesday in the 1960s - -
12:33 - 12:37and I went up to them and said:
"I want to go to the priest classes, -
12:37 - 12:39I don't want to go
to regular class anymore, -
12:39 - 12:41I want to know how to be a priest,"
-
12:41 - 12:43and she said-
well, you know what she said. -
12:43 - 12:45(Laughter)
-
12:47 - 12:50She said, "That is not going to happen."
-
12:54 - 12:59And yet, I have to tell you
how very grateful I am to be here tonight. -
13:00 - 13:04The generosity of our hosts
and of this community, -
13:04 - 13:07to have the opportunity
to talk about something -
13:07 - 13:10that's powerful and meaningful
and potent for me, -
13:10 - 13:12because it was at that moment
at the age of eight, -
13:12 - 13:16when some part of me kicked in
and said: "I'm sorry, -
13:16 - 13:19I'm going to figure out a way, anyway,
-
13:20 - 13:21to teach, and to offer,
-
13:21 - 13:25and to figure out how this part of me
that's alive spiritually -
13:25 - 13:27gets to live anyway;
-
13:27 - 13:28to say something that is sacred,
-
13:28 - 13:32just because it's sacred to me
and share that and see what happens - -
13:32 - 13:34and see what happens.
-
13:36 - 13:39So I urge you to go home tonight,
-
13:39 - 13:42step out of this room, step into yourself.
-
13:42 - 13:43You- we...
-
13:43 - 13:45We have a duty to perform.
-
13:46 - 13:49Come, come, whoever you are.
-
13:51 - 13:53Do anything else,
do any number of things, -
13:53 - 13:55occupy your time fully,
-
13:55 - 13:59wanderers, worshippers, lovers of leaving.
-
14:00 - 14:02And if you do not do this one thing,
-
14:03 - 14:09even, if we have broken our vows
a thousand times, it's okay. -
14:11 - 14:13Your time here.
-
14:16 - 14:17This is our time.
-
14:18 - 14:19This is our time.
-
14:19 - 14:20Thank you.
-
14:20 - 14:23(Applause)
- Title:
- Living an authentic life | Dr. Maria Sirois | TEDxBerkshires
- Description:
-
Dr. Maria Sirois is an inspirational speaker, consultant, and licensed clinical psychologist who has worked in the fields of wellness and positive psychology for twenty years. As a lecturer and motivational speaker, Maria has been invited to keynote at conferences for wellness organizations, businesses, hospitals, hospices, religious and philanthropic institutions around the country. A master storyteller, her lectures and workshops combine powerful and moving anecdotes with research to bring an audience to the place we all most want to be: moved to tears, joy and positive action within the lives we are already living. Addressing topics as diverse as "Sustaining Resilience in the Presence of Suffering," "Every Day Counts: Flourishing No Matter What," and "The Heart in Philanthropy," she has been called both a "true teacher," and "an orator of great power and beauty."
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 14:37
Leonardo Silva approved English subtitles for Living an authentic life | Dr. Maria Sirois | TEDxBerkshires | ||
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Rhonda Jacobs edited English subtitles for Living an authentic life | Dr. Maria Sirois | TEDxBerkshires | ||
Rhonda Jacobs edited English subtitles for Living an authentic life | Dr. Maria Sirois | TEDxBerkshires | ||
Rhonda Jacobs edited English subtitles for Living an authentic life | Dr. Maria Sirois | TEDxBerkshires | ||
Peter van de Ven edited English subtitles for Living an authentic life | Dr. Maria Sirois | TEDxBerkshires | ||
Peter van de Ven edited English subtitles for Living an authentic life | Dr. Maria Sirois | TEDxBerkshires |