A motion for masturbation: the naked truth | Jane Langton | TEDxSFU

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

Jane Langton is an adult sexual health educator aiming to transform the views and conversations on healthy sexuality. Jane is committed to educating people about how general health and sexual health are intertwined.

I feel like I've been dying to tell
the story for a very long time.

And as I was preparing for this,

I wondered how much of my personal story
should I or would I dare to share.

You see, for me to convey the impact
of silence surrounding sexuality,

I knew I needed to tell my own story.

The thought of doing it though,
scares the heck out of me.

And as much as I do share
my personal stories,

I never imagined sharing
something so private

in such a public space.

But I'm inspired to do it

because I see the positive impact
I have on those when I do.

And this feeds my soul.

So here it goes:

I masturbate.

(Laugher)

And I masturbate regularly.
I have done most of my life.

I used to joke around with my friends

that my right arm
was much stronger than my left.

(Laughter)

You see, I'm very right-handed.

I use this arm and this hand.

But about eight months ago,

my life became overwhelmingly busy,
and I wondered if that was it for me.

I thought menopause, stress, exhaustion

because it was taking me far too long,
and I was too tired to do it.

(Laughter)

But I eventually listened
to my own advice,

and realized or acknowledged
that all of those things can affect

my sexual health and my general health,

And fortunately, for now,
I'm back on track.

That is my reality. I masturbate.

Some people do, some don't.
Some will, some won't.

I haven't grown hair on my hand,
haven't gone blind,

and at some point, I had the courage
to share my pleasure with another.

You see, I was embarrassed
about it for a long time.

And I knew it was important.

I knew I needed to eventually
share my pleasure with another.

How else would they know
how to pleasure me?

But it was such a vulnerable place to be.

And as Brené Brown says in her TED talk,

"The path to each other
starts with our own vulnerability."

And I believe very little
is more vulnerable

than sharing our own self-pleasure
with another.

Not having to get it right
was difficult for me

because all the emotions
around sex and intimacy

can be perfectly messy, tenderly raw,

predictably gut-wrenching,
and awesomely beautiful.

And at the center of it,
is my willingness to be vulnerable.

A number of years ago, I finally had
the opportunity and the courage

to share my story with a group of people.

We were talking about sexual health.

And I had that opportunity,
and the moment I brought that up,

I swear you could have heard
a pin drop in the room.

And I realized then,
even more so than ever,

the huge hurdles I faced in bringing
this conversation out into the open.

And my English friend Suzanne says,

"More people would be
masturbating more often

if we didn't have to deal
with that bloody word."

And for many, that may be true.

The first time I masturbated
with someone else in the room,

I thought my head would explode.

I thought I'd have an aneurysm
because it was taking far too long.

I was wondering what was wrong with me.

You know., it's taking far too long.

Everyone else takes
much less time than I do.

I thought that an intimate relationship
started with being with someone else.

And I realized it started
with getting to know me,

my body, what I loved, what I needed,
what I desired, what I craved,

what fantasies worked for me,
all those things;

and then having the courage to share it.

And eventually, though,

it took my partner
bringing their kindness and patience

into the exchange for it to happen.

And it didn't happen the first time,
or the second time, or even the third.

Eventually, though, it did.

And it was freaking amazing.

Afterwards, I cried.

When I told a friend of mine that story,
she said, "Jane, you have to share it.

Can you imagine how valuable
that story would be to so many people?"

I said, "Are you freaking crazy?"

I couldn't imagine ever doing that.

But I'm doing it because so many of us
struggle with trying to get it right.

I still struggle with it all the time.

One minute, I know exactly what I want,
I know how to communicate it to a partner,

I'm as confident as can be;

next minute, I just want to run and hide.

It's a curious thing.

No two people will enjoy pleasure
the same way, everyone is different,

and exploring is lifelong.

We shouldn't expect our partners
to know how to pleasure us,

and vice versa.

And a great question to ask,
as Dan Savage says,

is, "What are you into?"

In other words, "What turns you on?"

And have the courage to say
what turns you on,

especially if someone asks.

I do get if it's not always
as easy as we'd like it to be.

Dr. Richard Wassersug,
Professor of Evolutionary Biology,

states, "Having sex is natural.
Talking about it isn't."

It's an evolutionary problem.

From an evolutionary standpoint,

we learned to have sex
before we learned to talk.

And I got that if I could talk
about masturbation,

I could talk about so many things

relating to my sexual health
and my overall health as well,

because this pleasure was good for me.

It made me happy,
gave energy, helped me focus,

cleared my sinuses when I had a cold

(Laugher)

gave me some stress relief
when I was overwhelmed -

it did really -

and also comforted me when I was in pain.

How could it not be good for me?

But remember, this is my experience.
Everyone is different.

And again, why masturbation?

Well, as Dr. Betty Dodson says,
a pioneer in this field,

"Masturbation is the foundation
for all human sexuality."

And I believe it opens up a conversation

to so many important other topics
relating to our health.

People used to say, years ago,

that I brought up the topic
of masturbation to shock them.

I'm sure it did way back then,

But my wish truly is to inspire awesomely,
beautiful, and healthy conversations

with ourselves, our partners,
our loved ones, our health care providers,

and those we care for
about our sexual health,

about intimacy, connection, touch,
companionship, pleasure,

whatever that is for you.

Can you imagine the ripple effect
those conversations will have

on all aspects of our lives?

Men have the luxury and the burden

of having their genitals
right in front of them,

for them and the world to view.

(Laughter)

Few women have seen, really seen,
their own genitals,

never mind another females',
except in pornography.

But that's a whole other topic.

In fact, we seem to have mistaken
our vulva for our vagina.

Now, don't get me wrong.
It's no one's fault in particular,

but for those who want to have
an incredible conversation,

I have with me

(Laughter)

Dorrie Lane's Wondrous Vulva Puppet.

(Laughter)

It's great for a conversation starter.

(Laughter)

And it's also great for a refresher
in the female anatomy.

I carry an smaller version
around with me in a kit.

(Laughter)

And I'd love to have
the male version If she's listening.

I also carry with me a vibrator.

And I carry a vibrator with me

because women need
direct clitoral stimulation for orgasm.

So I talk about this a lot.

And most men have never considered
the pleasures a vibrator can offer them;

really.

And I also carry with me
the female or internal condom

for men and for women.

And you might find me

in a local coffee shop
doing a condom demo.

If you ever run into me, ask for one.
Really. Why not?

(Laughter)

Even though I'm an educator,
I'm a human being first,

and my stories come from that place.

We can truly learn so much from each other
once we have the courage to share

whether solo or partnered,
faced with an illness or disability,

young or young at heart,

masturbation can have many benefits
in the form of boosting self-steem,

reducing stress, reducing pain,
helping us sleep,

maybe even reducing
the risks of incontinence,

and strengthening the pelvic floor.

Incontinence affects many of us
so it just might help that too.

And it's just plain good for us.

The World Health Organization states

we have the right to sexual information
and the right to pleasure.

It's our right our entire lives.

Some of the most amazing stories

come from people in their 60s,
70s, 80s, and beyond.

Now, I'm not just talking
about penetrative sex.

I'm talking about, again, intimacy,
companionship, touch, connection,

whatever that is for you.

And I'm talking, in part,
about what Cindy Gallop calls

"real-world sex"
in her "Make love, not porn" TED Talk.

She uses it to reframe

an open and healthy
conversation about sex.

Imagine if we thought about it that way.

How would the world be different?

How would your world be different?

I've often wondered what it would be like
if I was unable to masturbate.

Given it some thought,
worried about it a bit over the years.

Well, over the years, I've also had
the pleasure and the privilege

in speaking with a number of people

who were facing illness
or who are living with a disabilities,

and I asked them

what pleasure, intimacy,
and sexual expression meant for them.

And some of them said
it's often top-of-mind.

Is it not human nature

that if we don't have access
or can't have something

that we want it even more?

And how may we not consider
a person with disabilities

as wanting or needing pleasure?

And how might access to pleasure
improve our overall health?

And what about the lover
that now needs to be the caregiver?

I'm privileged to experience

the positive impact I have
on those who come into my life

allowing them to feel the freedom

to express their own sexuality
in their own way.

It matters to me. It's why I'm here.

It's the stuff that feeds my soul.

I had someone recently tell me
that because of who I was being,

they finally felt the freedom

to express their own sexuality
for the very first time.

I bawled my eyes out when I understood
the positive impact I had on their life.

I want to talk to the people
who are curious

inspiring them to completely shift
how they think about themselves.

When they are able to let go of
who they thought they were supposed to be,

they light up.

They can be curious,

and when they are curious,
the world opens up.

What would that do for the world
to unleash that level of self-acceptance?

What would that do for you?

I have one more story.

About a year ago,

I was sitting outside
at a coffee shop across from a lady.

She was in her ..., well,
I thought she was in her 60s.

She was in her 80s she later told me.

And then we started talking about
what I did, because it always comes up.

And then she said, you know,
she revealed to me,

"About eight years ago, I lost my husband.

And it seems like yesterday."

And then she leaned in
close to me, and she said,

"You know? We used to
have sex every night."

And I thought,
"Wow, that is freaking amazing!"

(Laughter)

And then she leaned in closer and said,

"You know?

Some nights that just meant falling asleep
while we were holding hands."

Some nights that just meant falling asleep
while we were holding hands.

Well. I had sunglasses on,

and I could feel the tears
rolling down my cheeks,

behind the sunglasses.

And that was...

Well, that was pretty powerful.

Two minutes later,
she was off in her cab, gone.

I sat there, for a good, long while,

digesting and absorbing

how profound
that conversation was for me,

both personally and professionally.

If you are a healthcare provider,
please talk to your patients,

and discuss with your patients,
and have conversations with your patients,

and those you care for,
about their sexual health.

About intimacy, connection, companionship,
touch, pleasure, maybe even masturbation.

Or at least, give them the opportunity
to bring it up themselves.

If you're seeking your own information,
be your own advocate.

Look for someone
who is comfortable with the topic,

someone who is willing to listen,

someone sex-positive,

because it's your own health
you're advocating for,

and for those after you.

And finally, as I mentioned earlier,

sex and all the emotions
around sex and intimacy

can be perfectly messy, tenderly raw,

predictably gut-wrenching,
and awesomely beautiful.

Most importantly, though, have fun.

Because we need to learn to laugh at
ourselves when things don't go as planned,

which really is often the case.

So, ladies and gentlemen,
you know what your homework is tonight.

(Laughter)

Thank you.

(Applause)