0:00:05.467,0:00:09.467
I feel like I've been dying to tell[br]the story for a very long time.

0:00:09.929,0:00:12.468
And as I was preparing for this,

0:00:12.469,0:00:17.449
I wondered how much of my personal story[br]should I or would I dare to share.

0:00:17.988,0:00:23.308
You see, for me to convey the impact[br]of silence surrounding sexuality,

0:00:23.541,0:00:26.063
I knew I needed to tell my own story.

0:00:26.585,0:00:30.448
The thought of doing it though,[br]scares the heck out of me.

0:00:30.836,0:00:34.194
And as much as I do share[br]my personal stories,

0:00:34.195,0:00:36.952
I never imagined sharing[br]something so private

0:00:36.953,0:00:38.763
in such a public space.

0:00:39.586,0:00:41.161
But I'm inspired to do it

0:00:41.162,0:00:45.861
because I see the positive impact[br]I have on those when I do.

0:00:46.110,0:00:48.179
And this feeds my soul.

0:00:48.918,0:00:50.351
So here it goes:

0:00:52.677,0:00:54.050
I masturbate.

0:00:55.372,0:00:56.832
(Laugher)

0:00:58.202,0:01:01.767
And I masturbate regularly.[br]I have done most of my life.

0:01:01.768,0:01:03.789
I used to joke around with my friends

0:01:03.790,0:01:07.521
that my right arm[br]was much stronger than my left.

0:01:07.522,0:01:08.831
(Laughter)

0:01:09.021,0:01:10.917
You see, I'm very right-handed.

0:01:10.918,0:01:13.200
I use this arm and this hand.

0:01:15.729,0:01:18.233
But about eight months ago,

0:01:18.234,0:01:23.243
my life became overwhelmingly busy,[br]and I wondered if that was it for me.

0:01:23.244,0:01:27.255
I thought menopause, stress, exhaustion

0:01:27.256,0:01:31.210
because it was taking me far too long,[br]and I was too tired to do it.

0:01:31.211,0:01:32.424
(Laughter)

0:01:33.488,0:01:35.595
But I eventually listened[br]to my own advice,

0:01:35.596,0:01:39.851
and realized or acknowledged[br]that all of those things can affect

0:01:39.852,0:01:42.678
my sexual health and my general health,

0:01:42.679,0:01:46.067
And fortunately, for now,[br]I'm back on track.

0:01:47.573,0:01:50.144
That is my reality. I masturbate.

0:01:50.145,0:01:53.494
Some people do, some don't.[br]Some will, some won't.

0:01:53.495,0:01:57.611
I haven't grown hair on my hand,[br]haven't gone blind,

0:01:58.163,0:02:02.129
and at some point, I had the courage[br]to share my pleasure with another.

0:02:02.819,0:02:06.566
You see, I was embarrassed[br]about it for a long time.

0:02:06.567,0:02:08.393
And I knew it was important.

0:02:08.394,0:02:12.315
I knew I needed to eventually[br]share my pleasure with another.

0:02:12.316,0:02:14.465
How else would they know[br]how to pleasure me?

0:02:14.890,0:02:18.245
But it was such a vulnerable place to be.

0:02:18.899,0:02:21.727
And as Brené Brown says in her TED talk,

0:02:22.735,0:02:26.186
"The path to each other[br]starts with our own vulnerability."

0:02:26.187,0:02:29.024
And I believe very little[br]is more vulnerable

0:02:29.382,0:02:32.238
than sharing our own self-pleasure[br]with another.

0:02:32.733,0:02:35.537
Not having to get it right[br]was difficult for me

0:02:35.542,0:02:38.867
because all the emotions[br]around sex and intimacy

0:02:39.138,0:02:42.604
can be perfectly messy, tenderly raw,

0:02:42.605,0:02:46.595
predictably gut-wrenching,[br]and awesomely beautiful.

0:02:46.804,0:02:50.886
And at the center of it,[br]is my willingness to be vulnerable.

0:02:53.526,0:02:57.107
A number of years ago, I finally had[br]the opportunity and the courage

0:02:57.108,0:03:01.525
to share my story with a group of people.

0:03:01.526,0:03:03.811
We were talking about sexual health.

0:03:04.910,0:03:11.796
And I had that opportunity,[br]and the moment I brought that up,

0:03:11.797,0:03:14.879
I swear you could have heard[br]a pin drop in the room.

0:03:14.880,0:03:17.448
And I realized then,[br]even more so than ever,

0:03:17.449,0:03:22.087
the huge hurdles I faced in bringing[br]this conversation out into the open.

0:03:22.464,0:03:24.696
And my English friend Suzanne says,

0:03:24.697,0:03:27.766
"More people would be[br]masturbating more often

0:03:27.767,0:03:31.048
if we didn't have to deal[br]with that bloody word."

0:03:31.049,0:03:33.458
And for many, that may be true.

0:03:37.113,0:03:40.019
The first time I masturbated[br]with someone else in the room,

0:03:40.020,0:03:41.937
I thought my head would explode.

0:03:41.938,0:03:45.601
I thought I'd have an aneurysm[br]because it was taking far too long.

0:03:45.602,0:03:47.662
I was wondering what was wrong with me.

0:03:47.663,0:03:49.422
You know., it's taking far too long.

0:03:49.423,0:03:52.511
Everyone else takes[br]much less time than I do.

0:03:53.279,0:03:59.185
I thought that an intimate relationship[br]started with being with someone else.

0:03:59.186,0:04:02.584
And I realized it started[br]with getting to know me,

0:04:02.585,0:04:07.989
my body, what I loved, what I needed,[br]what I desired, what I craved,

0:04:07.990,0:04:11.951
what fantasies worked for me,[br]all those things;

0:04:11.952,0:04:14.707
and then having the courage to share it.

0:04:16.235,0:04:19.019
And eventually, though,

0:04:19.021,0:04:22.820
it took my partner[br]bringing their kindness and patience

0:04:22.821,0:04:25.088
into the exchange for it to happen.

0:04:25.089,0:04:30.152
And it didn't happen the first time,[br]or the second time, or even the third.

0:04:30.153,0:04:32.259
Eventually, though, it did.

0:04:32.625,0:04:34.669
And it was freaking amazing.

0:04:36.069,0:04:38.829
Afterwards, I cried.

0:04:43.180,0:04:46.997
When I told a friend of mine that story,[br]she said, "Jane, you have to share it.

0:04:46.998,0:04:50.989
Can you imagine how valuable[br]that story would be to so many people?"

0:04:50.990,0:04:53.097
I said, "Are you freaking crazy?"

0:04:54.481,0:04:56.909
I couldn't imagine ever doing that.

0:04:57.601,0:05:01.598
But I'm doing it because so many of us[br]struggle with trying to get it right.

0:05:01.599,0:05:03.825
I still struggle with it all the time.

0:05:03.826,0:05:09.010
One minute, I know exactly what I want,[br]I know how to communicate it to a partner,

0:05:09.011,0:05:10.568
I'm as confident as can be;

0:05:10.569,0:05:13.080
next minute, I just want to run and hide.

0:05:13.081,0:05:14.752
It's a curious thing.

0:05:17.720,0:05:22.209
No two people will enjoy pleasure[br]the same way, everyone is different,

0:05:22.210,0:05:24.284
and exploring is lifelong.

0:05:24.285,0:05:28.147
We shouldn't expect our partners[br]to know how to pleasure us,

0:05:28.148,0:05:29.728
and vice versa.

0:05:30.313,0:05:33.225
And a great question to ask,[br]as Dan Savage says,

0:05:33.226,0:05:35.413
is, "What are you into?"

0:05:35.414,0:05:37.946
In other words, "What turns you on?"

0:05:38.339,0:05:41.129
And have the courage to say[br]what turns you on,

0:05:41.130,0:05:43.487
especially if someone asks.

0:05:43.896,0:05:47.943
I do get if it's not always[br]as easy as we'd like it to be.

0:05:50.013,0:05:53.732
Dr. Richard Wassersug,[br]Professor of Evolutionary Biology,

0:05:53.733,0:05:57.582
states, "Having sex is natural.[br]Talking about it isn't."

0:05:57.583,0:05:59.419
It's an evolutionary problem.

0:05:59.961,0:06:01.768
From an evolutionary standpoint,

0:06:01.769,0:06:04.952
we learned to have sex[br]before we learned to talk.

0:06:05.814,0:06:08.979
And I got that if I could talk[br]about masturbation,

0:06:08.980,0:06:10.757
I could talk about so many things

0:06:10.758,0:06:15.647
relating to my sexual health[br]and my overall health as well,

0:06:15.648,0:06:18.128
because this pleasure was good for me.

0:06:19.465,0:06:23.307
It made me happy,[br]gave energy, helped me focus,

0:06:23.308,0:06:25.833
cleared my sinuses when I had a cold

0:06:25.834,0:06:27.323
(Laugher)

0:06:27.324,0:06:30.101
gave me some stress relief[br]when I was overwhelmed -

0:06:30.110,0:06:31.486
it did really -

0:06:31.487,0:06:34.906
and also comforted me when I was in pain.

0:06:34.907,0:06:37.186
How could it not be good for me?

0:06:37.187,0:06:40.610
But remember, this is my experience.[br]Everyone is different.

0:06:41.897,0:06:43.867
And again, why masturbation?

0:06:45.566,0:06:49.278
Well, as Dr. Betty Dodson says,[br]a pioneer in this field,

0:06:49.279,0:06:53.567
"Masturbation is the foundation[br]for all human sexuality."

0:06:53.840,0:06:56.061
And I believe it opens up a conversation

0:06:56.062,0:06:59.794
to so many important other topics[br]relating to our health.

0:07:01.344,0:07:03.269
People used to say, years ago,

0:07:03.270,0:07:06.741
that I brought up the topic[br]of masturbation to shock them.

0:07:06.742,0:07:08.616
I'm sure it did way back then,

0:07:10.116,0:07:15.621
But my wish truly is to inspire awesomely,[br]beautiful, and healthy conversations

0:07:15.622,0:07:20.393
with ourselves, our partners,[br]our loved ones, our health care providers,

0:07:20.394,0:07:24.112
and those we care for[br]about our sexual health,

0:07:24.113,0:07:28.650
about intimacy, connection, touch,[br]companionship, pleasure,

0:07:28.651,0:07:30.603
whatever that is for you.

0:07:30.751,0:07:35.250
Can you imagine the ripple effect[br]those conversations will have

0:07:35.251,0:07:38.143
on all aspects of our lives?

0:07:40.783,0:07:45.833
Men have the luxury and the burden

0:07:45.834,0:07:48.441
of having their genitals[br]right in front of them,

0:07:48.442,0:07:51.057
for them and the world to view.

0:07:51.347,0:07:52.897
(Laughter)

0:07:53.207,0:07:57.497
Few women have seen, really seen,[br]their own genitals,

0:07:57.498,0:08:00.434
never mind another females',[br]except in pornography.

0:08:00.435,0:08:02.225
But that's a whole other topic.

0:08:03.401,0:08:07.609
In fact, we seem to have mistaken[br]our vulva for our vagina.

0:08:07.610,0:08:11.494
Now, don't get me wrong.[br]It's no one's fault in particular,

0:08:11.495,0:08:14.704
but for those who want to have[br]an incredible conversation,

0:08:16.523,0:08:18.003
I have with me

0:08:18.004,0:08:19.384
(Laughter)

0:08:21.417,0:08:24.083
Dorrie Lane's Wondrous Vulva Puppet.

0:08:24.084,0:08:25.683
(Laughter)

0:08:25.684,0:08:28.713
It's great for a conversation starter.

0:08:28.903,0:08:30.682
(Laughter)

0:08:30.683,0:08:34.702
And it's also great for a refresher[br]in the female anatomy.

0:08:34.703,0:08:37.936
I carry an smaller version[br]around with me in a kit.

0:08:37.937,0:08:39.297
(Laughter)

0:08:40.217,0:08:43.352
And I'd love to have[br]the male version If she's listening.

0:08:46.429,0:08:49.461
I also carry with me a vibrator.

0:08:50.899,0:08:52.718
And I carry a vibrator with me

0:08:52.719,0:08:58.878
because women need[br]direct clitoral stimulation for orgasm.

0:08:58.879,0:09:00.658
So I talk about this a lot.

0:09:01.648,0:09:06.687
And most men have never considered[br]the pleasures a vibrator can offer them;

0:09:06.688,0:09:08.248
really.

0:09:10.460,0:09:14.150
And I also carry with me[br]the female or internal condom

0:09:15.061,0:09:16.622
for men and for women.

0:09:16.623,0:09:17.832
And you might find me

0:09:17.833,0:09:19.948
in a local coffee shop[br]doing a condom demo.

0:09:19.949,0:09:23.374
If you ever run into me, ask for one.[br]Really. Why not?

0:09:23.375,0:09:25.095
(Laughter)

0:09:26.852,0:09:30.695
Even though I'm an educator,[br]I'm a human being first,

0:09:30.696,0:09:32.847
and my stories come from that place.

0:09:32.848,0:09:37.655
We can truly learn so much from each other[br]once we have the courage to share

0:09:37.950,0:09:41.986
whether solo or partnered,[br]faced with an illness or disability,

0:09:41.987,0:09:43.880
young or young at heart,

0:09:45.086,0:09:50.221
masturbation can have many benefits[br]in the form of boosting self-steem,

0:09:50.561,0:09:55.920
reducing stress, reducing pain,[br]helping us sleep,

0:09:56.359,0:10:00.018
maybe even reducing[br]the risks of incontinence,

0:10:00.019,0:10:02.453
and strengthening the pelvic floor.

0:10:02.454,0:10:07.220
Incontinence affects many of us[br]so it just might help that too.

0:10:07.221,0:10:09.543
And it's just plain good for us.

0:10:10.818,0:10:13.119
The World Health Organization states

0:10:13.120,0:10:17.047
we have the right to sexual information[br]and the right to pleasure.

0:10:17.048,0:10:19.808
It's our right our entire lives.

0:10:20.378,0:10:22.489
Some of the most amazing stories

0:10:22.490,0:10:26.357
come from people in their 60s,[br]70s, 80s, and beyond.

0:10:26.358,0:10:29.570
Now, I'm not just talking[br]about penetrative sex.

0:10:30.075,0:10:35.609
I'm talking about, again, intimacy,[br]companionship, touch, connection,

0:10:35.610,0:10:37.600
whatever that is for you.

0:10:37.899,0:10:41.230
And I'm talking, in part,[br]about what Cindy Gallop calls

0:10:41.231,0:10:45.601
"real-world sex"[br]in her "Make love, not porn" TED Talk.

0:10:46.113,0:10:48.647
She uses it to reframe

0:10:48.648,0:10:52.227
an open and healthy[br]conversation about sex.

0:10:52.228,0:10:54.545
Imagine if we thought about it that way.

0:10:54.546,0:10:56.821
How would the world be different?

0:10:56.822,0:10:59.575
How would your world be different?

0:11:03.903,0:11:08.685
I've often wondered what it would be like[br]if I was unable to masturbate.

0:11:09.093,0:11:12.923
Given it some thought,[br]worried about it a bit over the years.

0:11:12.924,0:11:16.902
Well, over the years, I've also had[br]the pleasure and the privilege

0:11:16.903,0:11:18.668
in speaking with a number of people

0:11:18.669,0:11:23.408
who were facing illness[br]or who are living with a disabilities,

0:11:23.409,0:11:24.704
and I asked them

0:11:24.705,0:11:30.775
what pleasure, intimacy,[br]and sexual expression meant for them.

0:11:31.638,0:11:34.891
And some of them said[br]it's often top-of-mind.

0:11:36.116,0:11:37.826
Is it not human nature

0:11:38.245,0:11:41.250
that if we don't have access[br]or can't have something

0:11:41.251,0:11:42.931
that we want it even more?

0:11:46.596,0:11:51.759
And how may we not consider[br]a person with disabilities

0:11:52.109,0:11:55.008
as wanting or needing pleasure?

0:11:55.599,0:11:59.858
And how might access to pleasure[br]improve our overall health?

0:12:03.377,0:12:07.578
And what about the lover[br]that now needs to be the caregiver?

0:12:12.922,0:12:14.646
I'm privileged to experience

0:12:14.647,0:12:18.162
the positive impact I have[br]on those who come into my life

0:12:18.163,0:12:20.022
allowing them to feel the freedom

0:12:20.023,0:12:23.536
to express their own sexuality[br]in their own way.

0:12:23.537,0:12:27.455
It matters to me. It's why I'm here.

0:12:28.433,0:12:31.253
It's the stuff that feeds my soul.

0:12:33.207,0:12:38.252
I had someone recently tell me[br]that because of who I was being,

0:12:38.253,0:12:40.018
they finally felt the freedom

0:12:40.019,0:12:44.027
to express their own sexuality[br]for the very first time.

0:12:46.799,0:12:52.094
I bawled my eyes out when I understood[br]the positive impact I had on their life.

0:12:55.190,0:12:58.061
I want to talk to the people[br]who are curious

0:12:58.925,0:13:03.329
inspiring them to completely shift[br]how they think about themselves.

0:13:04.393,0:13:08.768
When they are able to let go of[br]who they thought they were supposed to be,

0:13:08.769,0:13:10.603
they light up.

0:13:12.766,0:13:14.373
They can be curious,

0:13:14.853,0:13:18.473
and when they are curious,[br]the world opens up.

0:13:20.323,0:13:25.292
What would that do for the world[br]to unleash that level of self-acceptance?

0:13:26.464,0:13:28.240
What would that do for you?

0:13:31.361,0:13:33.064
I have one more story.

0:13:35.056,0:13:36.358
About a year ago,

0:13:36.359,0:13:39.971
I was sitting outside[br]at a coffee shop across from a lady.

0:13:39.972,0:13:43.332
She was in her ..., well,[br]I thought she was in her 60s.

0:13:44.192,0:13:48.130
She was in her 80s she later told me.

0:13:49.495,0:13:53.075
And then we started talking about[br]what I did, because it always comes up.

0:13:54.680,0:14:00.081
And then she said, you know,[br]she revealed to me,

0:14:00.082,0:14:04.729
"About eight years ago, I lost my husband.

0:14:05.410,0:14:07.990
And it seems like yesterday."

0:14:10.574,0:14:13.327
And then she leaned in[br]close to me, and she said,

0:14:13.328,0:14:16.547
"You know? We used to[br]have sex every night."

0:14:16.548,0:14:20.362
And I thought,[br]"Wow, that is freaking amazing!"

0:14:20.363,0:14:21.723
(Laughter)

0:14:22.183,0:14:24.671
And then she leaned in closer and said,

0:14:24.672,0:14:25.769
"You know?

0:14:25.770,0:14:30.840
Some nights that just meant falling asleep[br]while we were holding hands."

0:14:32.578,0:14:36.824
Some nights that just meant falling asleep[br]while we were holding hands.

0:14:37.518,0:14:40.082
Well. I had sunglasses on,

0:14:41.582,0:14:45.201
and I could feel the tears[br]rolling down my cheeks,

0:14:45.202,0:14:46.796
behind the sunglasses.

0:14:50.257,0:14:51.592
And that was...

0:14:54.900,0:14:57.523
Well, that was pretty powerful.

0:14:57.524,0:15:00.909
Two minutes later,[br]she was off in her cab, gone.

0:15:02.082,0:15:05.599
I sat there, for a good, long while,

0:15:05.600,0:15:07.954
digesting and absorbing

0:15:07.955,0:15:11.694
how profound[br]that conversation was for me,

0:15:11.695,0:15:14.090
both personally and professionally.

0:15:19.618,0:15:24.754
If you are a healthcare provider,[br]please talk to your patients,

0:15:24.755,0:15:29.092
and discuss with your patients,[br]and have conversations with your patients,

0:15:29.093,0:15:32.534
and those you care for,[br]about their sexual health.

0:15:32.535,0:15:39.193
About intimacy, connection, companionship,[br]touch, pleasure, maybe even masturbation.

0:15:40.213,0:15:43.780
Or at least, give them the opportunity[br]to bring it up themselves.

0:15:44.115,0:15:48.816
If you're seeking your own information,[br]be your own advocate.

0:15:49.214,0:15:54.312
Look for someone[br]who is comfortable with the topic,

0:15:54.832,0:15:57.201
someone who is willing to listen,

0:15:57.757,0:15:59.431
someone sex-positive,

0:15:59.930,0:16:02.635
because it's your own health[br]you're advocating for,

0:16:03.312,0:16:05.354
and for those after you.

0:16:07.779,0:16:11.753
And finally, as I mentioned earlier,

0:16:12.683,0:16:15.713
sex and all the emotions[br]around sex and intimacy

0:16:15.714,0:16:19.684
can be perfectly messy, tenderly raw,

0:16:19.984,0:16:24.104
predictably gut-wrenching,[br]and awesomely beautiful.

0:16:24.377,0:16:26.864
Most importantly, though, have fun.

0:16:27.159,0:16:31.151
Because we need to learn to laugh at[br]ourselves when things don't go as planned,

0:16:31.152,0:16:33.613
which really is often the case.

0:16:35.457,0:16:39.833
So, ladies and gentlemen,[br]you know what your homework is tonight.

0:16:39.834,0:16:41.224
(Laughter)

0:16:41.464,0:16:42.537
Thank you.

0:16:42.538,0:16:43.908
(Applause)