WEBVTT

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I feel like I've been dying to tell
the story for a very long time.

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And as I was preparing for this,

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I wondered how much of my personal story
should I or would I dare to share.

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You see, for me to convey the impact
of silence surrounding sexuality,

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I knew I needed to tell my own story.

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The thought of doing it though,
scares the heck out of me.

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And as much as I do share
my personal stories,

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I never imagined sharing
something so private

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in such a public space.

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But I'm inspired to do it

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because I see the positive impact
I have on those when I do.

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And this feeds my soul.

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So here it goes:

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I masturbate.

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(Laugher)

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And I masturbate regularly.
I have done most of my life.

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I used to joke around with my friends

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that my right arm
was much stronger than my left.

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(Laughter)

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You see, I'm very right-handed.

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I use this arm and this hand.

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But about eight months ago,

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my life became overwhelmingly busy,
and I wondered if that was it for me.

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I thought menopause, stress, exhaustion

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because it was taking me far too long,
and I was too tired to do it.

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(Laughter)

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But I eventually listened
to my own advice,

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and realized or acknowledged
that all of those things can affect

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my sexual health and my general health,

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And fortunately, for now,
I'm back on track.

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That is my reality. I masturbate.

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Some people do, some don't.
Some will, some won't.

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I haven't grown hair on my hand,
haven't gone blind,

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and at some point, I had the courage
to share my pleasure with another.

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You see, I was embarrassed
about it for a long time.

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And I knew it was important.

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I knew I needed to eventually
share my pleasure with another.

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How else would they know
how to pleasure me?

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But it was such a vulnerable place to be.

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And as Brené Brown says in her TED talk,

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"The path to each other
starts with our own vulnerability."

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And I believe very little
is more vulnerable

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than sharing our own self-pleasure
with another.

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Not having to get it right
was difficult for me

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because all the emotions
around sex and intimacy

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can be perfectly messy, tenderly raw,

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predictably gut-wrenching,
and awesomely beautiful.

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And at the center of it,
is my willingness to be vulnerable.

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A number of years ago, I finally had
the opportunity and the courage

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to share my story with a group of people.

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We were talking about sexual health.

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And I had that opportunity,
and the moment I brought that up,

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I swear you could have heard
a pin drop in the room.

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And I realized then,
even more so than ever,

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the huge hurdles I faced in bringing
this conversation out into the open.

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And my English friend Suzanne says,

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"More people would be
masturbating more often

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if we didn't have to deal
with that bloody word."

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And for many, that may be true.

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The first time I masturbated
with someone else in the room,

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I thought my head would explode.

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I thought I'd have an aneurysm
because it was taking far too long.

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I was wondering what was wrong with me.

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You know., it's taking far too long.

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Everyone else takes
much less time than I do.

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I thought that an intimate relationship
started with being with someone else.

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And I realized it started
with getting to know me,

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my body, what I loved, what I needed,
what I desired, what I craved,

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what fantasies worked for me,
all those things;

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and then having the courage to share it.

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And eventually, though,

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it took my partner
bringing their kindness and patience

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into the exchange for it to happen.

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And it didn't happen the first time,
or the second time, or even the third.

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Eventually, though, it did.

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And it was freaking amazing.

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Afterwards, I cried.

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When I told a friend of mine that story,
she said, "Jane, you have to share it.

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Can you imagine how valuable
that story would be to so many people?"

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I said, "Are you freaking crazy?"

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I couldn't imagine ever doing that.

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But I'm doing it because so many of us
struggle with trying to get it right.

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I still struggle with it all the time.

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One minute, I know exactly what I want,
I know how to communicate it to a partner,

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I'm as confident as can be;

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next minute, I just want to run and hide.

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It's a curious thing.

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No two people will enjoy pleasure
the same way, everyone is different,

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and exploring is lifelong.

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We shouldn't expect our partners
to know how to pleasure us,

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and vice versa.

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And a great question to ask,
as Dan Savage says,

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is, "What are you into?"

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In other words, "What turns you on?"

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And have the courage to say
what turns you on,

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especially if someone asks.

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I do get if it's not always
as easy as we'd like it to be.

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Dr. Richard Wassersug,
Professor of Evolutionary Biology,

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states, "Having sex is natural.
Talking about it isn't."

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It's an evolutionary problem.

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From an evolutionary standpoint,

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we learned to have sex
before we learned to talk.

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And I got that if I could talk
about masturbation,

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I could talk about so many things

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relating to my sexual health
and my overall health as well,

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because this pleasure was good for me.

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It made me happy,
gave energy, helped me focus,

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cleared my sinuses when I had a cold

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(Laugher)

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gave me some stress relief
when I was overwhelmed -

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it did really -

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and also comforted me when I was in pain.

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How could it not be good for me?

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But remember, this is my experience.
Everyone is different.

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And again, why masturbation?

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Well, as Dr. Betty Dodson says,
a pioneer in this field,

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"Masturbation is the foundation
for all human sexuality."

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And I believe it opens up a conversation

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to so many important other topics
relating to our health.

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People used to say, years ago,

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that I brought up the topic
of masturbation to shock them.

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I'm sure it did way back then,

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But my wish truly is to inspire awesomely,
beautiful, and healthy conversations

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with ourselves, our partners,
our loved ones, our health care providers,

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and those we care for
about our sexual health,

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about intimacy, connection, touch,
companionship, pleasure,

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whatever that is for you.

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Can you imagine the ripple effect
those conversations will have

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on all aspects of our lives?

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Men have the luxury and the burden

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of having their genitals
right in front of them,

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for them and the world to view.

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(Laughter)

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Few women have seen, really seen,
their own genitals,

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never mind another females',
except in pornography.

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But that's a whole other topic.

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In fact, we seem to have mistaken
our vulva for our vagina.

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Now, don't get me wrong.
It's no one's fault in particular,

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but for those who want to have
an incredible conversation,

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I have with me

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(Laughter)

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Dorrie Lane's Wondrous Vulva Puppet.

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(Laughter)

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It's great for a conversation starter.

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(Laughter)

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And it's also great for a refresher
in the female anatomy.

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I carry an smaller version
around with me in a kit.

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(Laughter)

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And I'd love to have
the male version If she's listening.

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I also carry with me a vibrator.

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And I carry a vibrator with me

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because women need
direct clitoral stimulation for orgasm.

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So I talk about this a lot.

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And most men have never considered
the pleasures a vibrator can offer them;

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really.

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And I also carry with me
the female or internal condom

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for men and for women.

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And you might find me

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in a local coffee shop
doing a condom demo.

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If you ever run into me, ask for one.
Really. Why not?

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(Laughter)

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Even though I'm an educator,
I'm a human being first,

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and my stories come from that place.

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We can truly learn so much from each other
once we have the courage to share

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whether solo or partnered,
faced with an illness or disability,

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young or young at heart,

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masturbation can have many benefits
in the form of boosting self-steem,

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reducing stress, reducing pain,
helping us sleep,

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maybe even reducing
the risks of incontinence,

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and strengthening the pelvic floor.

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Incontinence affects many of us
so it just might help that too.

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And it's just plain good for us.

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The World Health Organization states

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we have the right to sexual information
and the right to pleasure.

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It's our right our entire lives.

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Some of the most amazing stories

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come from people in their 60s,
70s, 80s, and beyond.

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Now, I'm not just talking
about penetrative sex.

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I'm talking about, again, intimacy,
companionship, touch, connection,

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whatever that is for you.

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And I'm talking, in part,
about what Cindy Gallop calls

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"real-world sex"
in her "Make love, not porn" TED Talk.

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She uses it to reframe

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an open and healthy
conversation about sex.

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Imagine if we thought about it that way.

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How would the world be different?

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How would your world be different?

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I've often wondered what it would be like
if I was unable to masturbate.

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Given it some thought,
worried about it a bit over the years.

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Well, over the years, I've also had
the pleasure and the privilege

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in speaking with a number of people

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who were facing illness
or who are living with a disabilities,

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and I asked them

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what pleasure, intimacy,
and sexual expression meant for them.

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And some of them said
it's often top-of-mind.

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Is it not human nature

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that if we don't have access
or can't have something

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that we want it even more?

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And how may we not consider
a person with disabilities

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as wanting or needing pleasure?

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And how might access to pleasure
improve our overall health?

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And what about the lover
that now needs to be the caregiver?

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I'm privileged to experience

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the positive impact I have
on those who come into my life

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allowing them to feel the freedom

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to express their own sexuality
in their own way.

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It matters to me. It's why I'm here.

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It's the stuff that feeds my soul.

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I had someone recently tell me
that because of who I was being,

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they finally felt the freedom

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to express their own sexuality
for the very first time.

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I bawled my eyes out when I understood
the positive impact I had on their life.

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I want to talk to the people
who are curious

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inspiring them to completely shift
how they think about themselves.

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When they are able to let go of
who they thought they were supposed to be,

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they light up.

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They can be curious,

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and when they are curious,
the world opens up.

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What would that do for the world
to unleash that level of self-acceptance?

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What would that do for you?

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I have one more story.

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About a year ago,

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I was sitting outside
at a coffee shop across from a lady.

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She was in her ..., well,
I thought she was in her 60s.

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She was in her 80s she later told me.

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And then we started talking about
what I did, because it always comes up.

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And then she said, you know,
she revealed to me,

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"About eight years ago, I lost my husband.

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And it seems like yesterday."

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And then she leaned in
close to me, and she said,

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"You know? We used to
have sex every night."

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And I thought,
"Wow, that is freaking amazing!"

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(Laughter)

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And then she leaned in closer and said,

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"You know?

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Some nights that just meant falling asleep
while we were holding hands."

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Some nights that just meant falling asleep
while we were holding hands.

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Well. I had sunglasses on,

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and I could feel the tears
rolling down my cheeks,

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behind the sunglasses.

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And that was...

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Well, that was pretty powerful.

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Two minutes later,
she was off in her cab, gone.

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I sat there, for a good, long while,

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digesting and absorbing

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how profound
that conversation was for me,

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both personally and professionally.

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If you are a healthcare provider,
please talk to your patients,

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and discuss with your patients,
and have conversations with your patients,

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and those you care for,
about their sexual health.

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About intimacy, connection, companionship,
touch, pleasure, maybe even masturbation.

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Or at least, give them the opportunity
to bring it up themselves.

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If you're seeking your own information,
be your own advocate.

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Look for someone
who is comfortable with the topic,

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someone who is willing to listen,

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someone sex-positive,

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because it's your own health
you're advocating for,

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and for those after you.

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And finally, as I mentioned earlier,

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sex and all the emotions
around sex and intimacy

00:16:15.714 --> 00:16:19.684
can be perfectly messy, tenderly raw,

00:16:19.984 --> 00:16:24.104
predictably gut-wrenching,
and awesomely beautiful.

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Most importantly, though, have fun.

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Because we need to learn to laugh at
ourselves when things don't go as planned,

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which really is often the case.

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So, ladies and gentlemen,
you know what your homework is tonight.

00:16:39.834 --> 00:16:41.224
(Laughter)

00:16:41.464 --> 00:16:42.537
Thank you.

00:16:42.538 --> 00:16:43.908
(Applause)