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Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
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(d intro to ''Just the Slew Of Us''
by Bill Cosby)
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(applause)
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(applause and whistling)
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(applause and whistling continues)
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(mouths) More. More. More.
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- (man in audience yells)
- (inaudible)
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Sit up there and yell like that.
Today's only Thursday,
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for crying out loud. Thursday.
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You gotta wait till Friday.
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lt's always strange.
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l've had a lot of people work for me
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and l've found out it's a funny thing that
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you give them Saturday and Sunday off
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and they work so hard
to get to those two days
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and those are the two days that
they totally destroy themselves.
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(audience laughing)
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l mean, you know,
you think to yourself, you say,
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''My goodness,
l've really pounded these people
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and worked them to death'' and
Friday comes and they say, ''Yeah!''
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And then they come in Monday...
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(audience laughing)
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...say, ''Boy, am l glad to be back here.
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''l'm no good on my own.
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l was given two whole days
and l just went crazy.'' Yeah.
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l don't know where you get these people
from. Sometimes l think it's drugs.
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lt's got to be drugs,
'cause people on pure air
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don't worry about things like that.
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You know, the drugs, the drugs, l really,
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l think drugs make people
so, you know, they get like:
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l've seen 'em. You know,
they take (inhales deeply)
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you know, and then they
have to hold it in, see.
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See, that's the problem with smoking,
you have to (inhales sharply) look.
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Now, your body doesn't want it
so it starts to kick it out
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whether you want to hold it or not,
so you begin to (sputtering)
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(continues sputtering)
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(coughing)
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(continues coughing)
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Now, the best part about drugs
is that while you're doing that,
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the person sitting next to you is going,
''Hey, man, pass that over.''
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(audience laughing)
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Then the people get stoned.
Now this is the fun part of getting...
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They get stoned,
then they become paranoid:
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Now, when they started out, they said,
''Let's get high and have fun.''
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So they're high, now they're paranoid.
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''Am l falling out of this chair?''
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Then l've known people who've
gotten stoned and they start to laugh
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and nobody knows
what they're laughing at.
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You know, they're just:
(mouthing laughter)
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(laughs uproariously)
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''No, wait a minute, wait a minute.''
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(laughs uproariously)
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''No, wait a minute.
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''l went over to the...
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''Ooh!
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(laughs)
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''No, wait a minute.
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''l went over to the Burger King.
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''And so the guy took a piece of meat,
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''and threw it on the grill.
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''l said, 'Oh, wow!'
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''Ooh!
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''So then he turned it over.
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''lt was all brown.
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''l said, 'Far out!'
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''And he put it between
two pieces of bread.
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''l said, 'Oh, no!'
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And the guy ate it.''
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But the biggest one... is the cocaine.
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- (man) Yow!
- There they go!
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There they go! Cocaine, Jack!
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''You take cocaine, man?''
People say, ''Yeah.''
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''You take cocaine, man?''
People say, ''Yeah.''
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Say, ''l'll do a few lines.''
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And l said to a guy, l said,
''Tell me, you know,
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what is it about cocaine
that makes it so wonderful?''
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And the guy said, ''Well, it
intensifies your personality.''
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And l said, ''Yes,
but what if you're an asshole?''
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(applause and cheering)
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(man) Yow!
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But l really want to study,
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l really want to study
this whole thing of drinking,
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getting drunk, and people saying
that they're having a good time.
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Because if you put on a good suit,
you put on a good suit or whatever
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and you say, ''l'm going out
to have a good time.''
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But some people announce it:
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''l'm going out
because l deserve to go out
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''and l'm going to get drunk
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''because l deserve to get drunk
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and get out of my way.''
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Now, these people get up there
and they drink and they drink
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and they drink,
and the body begins to tell you:
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(in deep voice) ''Please,
you better slow down.''
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(in normal voice)
You have a person who came in
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and they were walking like this:
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See, there's different kinds
of walks for drunken people.
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Now, for instance,
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if you just have a regular
old raggedy bourbon drunk,
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you know, they go like:
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You know, and they're
really trying to maintain.
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And the people keep leaning
the room on them, you know.
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See. Now you can get a gin drunk.
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Gin and vodka, you know,
martinis, now, these are the people,
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very, you know, they
have their own business...
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and they just stop off
and have about six or seven.
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And their fingers pickle 'cause
that's what they stir their drink up with.
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And they do a lot of this when they talk:
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With their drink, so their drink
spurts on your shoe, you know.
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You know, and you're looking
at your shoe and they're going:
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And they hum a lot when they...
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''Hum, how you been?'' You say, ''Fine.''
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''Hum, nice to see you again.
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Hum, oh, pardon me, hum.''
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You know, very smooth people,
you know.
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So then, of course,
the obvious one is the wino, but see,
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winos, once they get down to
where they cannot walk anymore,
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you know, they just kind of
heel-toe it, you know...
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Just kind of easy, going to get it.
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Now, you have, like, since the
country-western thing has happened,
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you got all these people with
the cowboy hats and a buckle
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and...
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they just drink a lot of beer.
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- (man whistles)
- See? There they are.
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See... And beer drinkers are really
different people because they...
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something happens to their
hearing. They go almost...
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They... everything... (bellowing) Hey!
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(bellowing) All right!
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Now, they drink a lot of beer
and the beer does not go here,
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it goes in one leg.
And when that leg fills up,
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then they have to take it to the john, see.
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And so when they walk, you know, they:
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Now,
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when they come out of the bathroom,
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then you can tell, see.
lt's empty now, you see.
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They step up to the bar
and fill it back up.
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Now when it gets so that,
you know, this leg is, ''l gotta go.''
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(bellowing) ''Hey!
l've gotta go again! Oh!''
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But this is always like this,
always hanging out.
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And they keep doing like this
and the thing falls down.
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Then they wanna go ride
this mechanical animal
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and fall and bust their face, you know...
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''l rode the bull at Gilley's
and busted my face,'' you know.
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A picture of an idiot in action.
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But now, the person who has
dedicated themselves to going out
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and getting so drunk
that they're gonna get sick,
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is the all-time dumb person.
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They stand there, just drinking, drinking.
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Now, the body says,
''Don't take another drink.''
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So you reach up and you go...
and the stomach say,
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the message has come down.
''He's taking another drink.
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the message has come down.
''He's taking another drink.
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''All right, reverse gears,
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but just take it up to the top of the neck.''
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(imitates mechanical sound)
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This stuff comes up to here,
he says, ''Now give him a small burp.''
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(imitates burping)
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(shuddering)
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''Turn on the sweat machine.''
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Now people say, ''Are you all right?''
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(slurring) ''Of course l'm OK.''
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Now you've got to go,
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so you come into the bathroom.
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(imitates door opening) Close the door.
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(imitates door closing)
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Now, don't forget,
you owe this to yourself.
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You worked hard all week.
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lt's come to this.
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(applause)
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(groaning)
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(groaning continues)
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(moaning)
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Oh, Jesus.
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Oh, God.
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lf you get me out of this,
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l won't drink again as long as l live.
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Oh!
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Now you are ready...
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to put your face...
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in a place...
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that was never built for your face.
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(moans)
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Now you feel it coming.
''All right, l'm ready.
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''Holding on, holding on.
We going for a ride? Yes.
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''Bring it on? Yes.
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Here it comes, l'm ready to explode.''
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And your muscles lock, everything.
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And you wouldn't be surprised,
you would not be surprised
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if you saw your shoes come out
of your mouth. You'd say ''Yes!''
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Now that wave has stopped,
you... (moans)
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You put your head
on the side of the bowl
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and you thank the toilet bowl.
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''Thank you, toilet bowl.
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''Thank you so much
for being cool on the side.
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''Only you understand me, toilet bowl.
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You're the only friend l have,
my wonderful toilet bowl.''
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Now, people keep coming to the door.
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(imitates door opening)
''Are you all right?''
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And you say, ''Oh, yes.
l'm always like this all the time.
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''Just having a little picnic.
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Just listening to the toilet bowl.''
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(imitates toilet flushing)
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And that's called having a good time.
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l never understand that.
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l mean, it's all right if
you're a teenager, you know,
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you've never had it before, you know,
and you say, ''What is this all about?''
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You keep drinking and getting sick
and throw up. But grown people do that.
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On weekends.
And then they come back to work
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and they go, ''Oh, God, my head...''
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Strange.
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Dentists...
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tell you not to pick your teeth
with any sharp metal object.
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Then you sit in their chair,
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and the first thing
they grab is an iron hook.
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And they start to pick in an area
that you came to get fixed.
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(imitates picking)
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l found out something about myself
while the dentist was doing that.
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l found out if l was ever
paralyzed from the knee down,
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l'd be able to walk with my behind.
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Because the whole time
he kept doing that l just kept...
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(deep voice) ''Can you sit up?''
''l'm sorry, l beg your pardon.''
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(deep voice) ''Sit up.'' ''l'm sorry.''
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Now the dentist pulls out a needle.
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This is to deaden the pain.
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Says, ''Open up.'' Now, a regular doctor
giving you a shot would go:
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and that's it.
Dentists don't do that, they go:
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And you're there... (gasping)
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Then they want to talk to you.
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''Do you ever do any fishing?''
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(muffled) Uh-huh. (gasping)
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''Where do you usually go?''
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(muffled voice)
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''Yes, l've been there
many times myself.''
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Now he pulls the needle out.
Puts this thing in your mouth.
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(imitates suction hose)
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This will suck up your face.
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The dentist goes outside
to laugh at you.
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And you sit, grown-up, intelligent
human being, arguing with this thing.
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(sucking) (gagging) (sucking)
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You also notice
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that the right side of your face
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feels like it's sliding off of your skull.
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And your bottom lip is in your lap.
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So the dentist comes back.
You want to talk to him.
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So you say, (indistinct speech)
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''l beg your pardon?''
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(slurring)
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''l don't understand.''
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(slurring)
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''Your what?''
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(slurring)
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''Your face?'' (lisping) Yeth!
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''What's the matter with it?''
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(slurring) What's the matter with it?
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My face... my face is hanging down...
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Do you see this?
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This is my bottom lip.
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lt wasn't like this when l came in here.
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''Well, l'll fix it.'' l hope so!
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Because when you put
the needle in my mouth,
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my face went down like this,
my bottom lip went on the floor.
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So l can't live like this now.
''l'll fix it.''
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(slurring) OK!
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Now he starts to drill: (imitates drilling)
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And you see and smell smoke
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coming out of your mouth. So you say,
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(slurring) ''Wait a minute.''
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''What's the matter?'' (slurring) Smoke!
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''What?''
(slurring) Smoke, smoke, smoke!
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There's some smoke
and it's coming out of my mouth.
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''l don't understand.''
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(slurring) Fire!
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Do you understand the fire?
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There's a fire in my mouth
and the smoke is coming out.
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And my face is hanging on the floor.
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''The fire?'' Yes!
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''Where?''
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(slurring) Never mind, never mind.
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Now he drills some more
and you hear him make a mistake.
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(imitates drill slipping)
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And to cover it up, they all
say the same thing: ''OK, rinse.''
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(slurring) Rinse?
You asking me to rinse?
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l don't have a bottom lip.
How can l rinse?
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''Give it a try.''
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(slurring) Give it a try? OK.
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(in normal voice) Grab the cup,
pour the water, it runs all down...
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(slurring) l hope that you are satisfied.
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l hope that you are satisfied.
l put the water in my mouth,
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l told you l can't rinse
because l have no bottom lip,
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the water went all down in my lap.
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l hope that you are satisfied.
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''Rinse again.''
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You've gotta be kidding me!
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So you pick it up, put it in. Now,
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you're gonna spit into
this miniature toilet bowl.
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You have no bottom lip
so you let it all fall out,
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say, ''Thank God for gravity.''
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Now you want to sit back but you can't
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because hanging...
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from your bottom lip is a long line
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and you can't get it off your bottom lip.
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Oh, if you wanna be gross,
you can grab it and throw it over there.
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But you try to be smooth
about it, you know...
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And it's breaking over here
and it's breaking over there.
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Try to blow it off: (blowing)
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Just vibrating.
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So you figure, maybe if you sit back,
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it'll snap in half.
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So you sit back. Now you have a line
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from the bowl to your bottom lip.
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The dentist looks at it
and says, ''Oh, look, a rainbow!''
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So you have to pay him for that.
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Anyway, l didn't come here
to tell you that.
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l, uh...
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wanted to discuss some
very serious matters here.
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The... (coughs)
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Pardon me.
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My wife and l were intellectuals...
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before we had children.
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We were very, very bright people.
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My wife graduated from
the University of Maryland,
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child psychology major
with a B-plus average,
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which means that if you ask her
a question about a child's behavior,
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she will give you at least an 85 answer.
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l, from Temple University,
physical education major
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with a child psychology minor,
which means that if you ask me
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a question about a child's behavior, l will
tell you to tell the child to take a lap.
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Needless to say, we felt qualified
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to handle having children,
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and we planned to have children.
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We sat in the back seat of a car,
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(audience laughing)
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and discussed it. Children.
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We wanted to have children
and bring them up.
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And we spoke to God about the children
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and we were afraid to ask God
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for specific things.
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We felt that it might be too much.
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We said to God,
''Please give us a healthy child,''
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and we left it at that,
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not knowing that God
is a generous God,
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but also has a sense of humor,
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and that if you leave
that much open for God,
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some wonderful jokes
are going to come about.
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Still being intellectuals,
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my wife and l decided to
bring our first child into the world
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by way of natural childbirth.
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Now, we were intellectuals,
mind you, which means that
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intellectuals go to study things
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that people do naturally.
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You see, let's think about it.
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Childbirth is a natural thing.
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The pains come automatically,
the muscles tighten and push down
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and the mother is there
and all you need,
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as they say in every movie, is hot water.
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''Get the hot water,''
and they just send some fool, runs,
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''Hot water,'' you know, and bothers
everybody in the world for hot water.
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But even if you don't have hot water,
the baby's going to come.
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Ker-boom! Natural.
Nature takes its course.
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(imitates creaking) Whammo!
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And there it is. You understand?
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You just need somebody
there to grab a hold,
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you know, to grab the rope, you know.
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''There, keep pulling there, it's coming,
l'll be right there in a second.'' See?
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Natural childbirth. People do it
all around the deprived countries,
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quote, unquote,
''deprived countries of the world.''
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Women... The lady's
out there picking the rice
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or doing whatever in the thing
and all of a sudden you say,
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''Ooh!'' Blam! The child falls out,
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they cut the cord, tie it
and the kid's there with the rice,
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with the mother, you know.
Natural childbirth.
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lntellectuals go to class
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to study how to do this.
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My wife and l sat in class
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to learn how to have natural childbirth.
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And the first thing
they teach you is that
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you have to breathe properly, see?
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So when you press down
on the muscles, there's breathing:
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(rapid breathing)
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That's my wife's job. So she's there:
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(rapid breathing)
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And she was good.
Now the father's job...
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And the father must be there
for these classes.
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And they give the father a diploma also.
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And if you don't get a diploma,
you cannot come to the birth.
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See? So my job
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is to bend my wife in half
and say ''Push!''
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Now if l don't go to class,
l don't get a diploma for this,
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so l can't come to the birth.
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So my wife is there:
(rapid breathing)
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And l'm there: ''Push.''
And l'm the cheerleader:
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''Push him out, shove him out, way out!
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Push him out, shove him out, way out!''
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And my wife is a wonderful breather.
(rapid breathing)
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And we were the best in our class.
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And l began to breathe
with my wife, macho style.
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(vigorous breathing) Push, push.
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(vigorous breathing) Push, push.
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(rapid breathing)
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We went to parties
and people asked us to breathe.
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''Ladies and gentlemen,
the breathing Cosbys!''
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(rapid breathing)
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Push, push!
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Natural childbirth.
Natural childbirth means
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no drugs will be administered
into the female's body
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during the delivery.
The father can have all he wants.
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On the ninth month,
my wife called to me
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from the balcony of our California home:
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''Bill!'' (rapid breathing)
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l became excited. l said, ''Push!''
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Then l remembered, we have to go
to the hospital for the natural childbirth.
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So l run into the car. l got a Ferrari.
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(imitates engine)
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l do 1 04 from the garage
to the front door.
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So my wife comes out.
She gets in the car.
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(imitates engine)
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1 80, and we're breathing.
(vigorous breathing) Push, push.
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(rapid breathing)
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And l'm in my Ferrari,
man, $1 7,000 Ferrari,
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and my wife says, ''Oh!''
l say, ''No, dear, please, wait, not here.
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No, not in the Ferrari, please.''
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And l pull over. We go in the bushes,
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we go in the bushes,
but no, not in the car, dear.
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She's ''Oh, Bill, can l...''
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Hold everything. l'll get you there.
(imitates engine)
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So we pull up to the hospital.
The Marx Brothers jump out:
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''Whoo! Ha! Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo!''
Put my wife in a wheelchair.
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Run her down to the delivery room.
l signed her in, they put the hat on me,
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the thing on backwards,
booties on the shoes.
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l run into the delivery room.
They got my wife all prepped
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and her legs way up in the stirrups...
(rapid breathing)
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And the doctor's sitting there
like Johnny Bench.
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Now,
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the first real pain hit my wife.
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Whoo!
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And my wife said:
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(inhales sharply)
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And l said, ''Push?''
-
Carol Burnett described
what labor pains feel like.
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She said, ''Take your bottom lip
and pull it over your head.''
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The second pain hit: whoo!
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My wife said: (screams)
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and stood up...
-
in the stirrups.
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Grabbed my bottom lip...
-
and said, ''l want morphine!''
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l said, ''But dear...'' (vigorous breathing)
-
She said, ''You shut up!
-
You did this to me!''
-
And on the next contraction,
-
she told everybody in the delivery room
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that my parents were never married.
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Now we're back to breathing:
(vigorous breathing)
-
and l'm sitting there, ''Push, push.''
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My wife's getting tired.
''l don't wanna push anymore.
-
l don't wanna push.''
No, you've got to push, dear.
-
Come on, dear, you've gotta.
''l don't wanna. Oh, no, no.
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Tell them to give me something.''
No, you can do it.
-
''No, l don't wanna graduate from
the class anymore. l just wanna--''
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Please, come on, you can do it.
l look in the rearview mirror
-
and l see the head. And Johnny Bench
is still sitting there, like:
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So l said, ''lsn't that the head?''
-
He said, ''Yeah.'' l said, ''Well, go get it.''
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He said, ''lt's stuck.''
-
l said, ''Well, get
the salad spoons, man!''
-
So... So he gets the salad spoons
-
and the baby comes out.
(makes spurting sound)
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Now this is the greatest moment...
-
(woman laughing)
-
in our lives.
-
This is what we asked God for.
-
This is what we wanted
to see if we could make.
-
And l look at it.
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And they started to clean it off.
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And it wasn't getting any better.
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And l went over to my wife
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and l kissed her
ever so gently on the lips
-
and l said, ''Darling,
l love you very, very much.
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You just had a lizard.''
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Because the thing
changed colors three times.
-
And the neck and head
wouldn't work, it just kept:
-
And l said to the doctor,
''Can you put this back?
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'''Cause it isn't done yet. lt needs to cook
-
another three months maybe.''
-
But the hospital made us take it home.
-
My mother looked at it and said,
''Oh, how precious.''
-
l don't know why she said it.
-
Well, l didn't know then. l know now.
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Because my mother put a curse on me.
-
A long time ago, l remember
when l was a child what she said,
-
and l've later found out
that mothers, all mothers,
-
put a curse on their children.
-
And they say, ''l hope when you
get married, you have some children
-
who act exactly the same way
that you act.''
-
And this curse works!
-
l mean, it started with that child.
-
My wife and l have not
been intellectuals since.
-
Oh, my wife was pretty good for a while.
-
But it didn't last that long.
-
lt didn't last two years.
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My father, he was so happy.
-
See, l had a daughter
and l'd wanted a son
-
and l'd bragged that
l was going to bring a son.
-
My father and my mother
had four boys, so why not?
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l'm a Cosby. Son.
-
l want a son who carries the ball for me.
-
Play football, basketball,
run track. My boy.
-
l'd sit in the stands. ''That your son?''
-
Yes, that's my boy.
See the boy running the touchdown
-
with the name Cosby on the back?
That's my son.
-
l would've done it myself
but l'm too old now.
-
So l gave him the business. He's
just in charge of running touchdowns.
-
You know? Go to the dinners.
''And the athlete of the year, little Cosby.
-
And there's his father, big Cosby.''
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
-
And l don't mind. l've... You know,
l realize that with great athletes,
-
you know, it's a different thing.
Father, you grab the boy
-
when he's like this, see.
You say, ''Come here, boy.''
-
Two years old. You say, ''Get down,
Dad'll show you how to do it.
-
Now you come at me.
Run through me.'' Boom!
-
There. See? Get back up, get back up.
-
See? You didn't do it right.
Now, come at me. Boom! See, now...
-
You teach 'em, see? You say,
''Now, go, attack that tree. Bite it!''
-
(imitates biting noise)
'' Come on back, bite it again.''
-
(imitates biting noise)
-
You teach 'em all that. Tackle me, bam!
-
And then soon he's bigger
and he's stronger and he can hit you,
-
you don't want him to hit you anymore,
you say, ''All right, son,''
-
turn him loose on the high school,
he runs up and down the field.
-
High school! Touchdown.
He's 800 touchdowns per game,
-
you say, ''Yes, that's my son,''
and he goes to the big college,
-
playing for a big school,
three million students
-
and 800,000 people in the stands:
(imitates cheering)
-
National TV, and he catches the ball
-
and he doesn't bother
to get out of the way,
-
he just runs over everybody,
(imitates rushing sound)
-
for a TD and turn around
and the camera's on him
-
and you're looking
and he says, ''Hi, Mom.''
-
Well, you don't mind that.
You know who taught him.
-
But God has a sense of humor
-
and God said, ''Let him have a girl.''
-
(imitates plopping sound) Came out.
-
And l had my child there,
-
firstborn, at home,
-
and it does something to you
when you become a father.
-
You're home, you know, really home.
-
And the baby was dirty,
she'd made a little poo-poo.
-
My wife and l were so happy
when the child made the poo-poo.
-
We asked the child, (in silly voice) ''Are
you the one that made the poo-poo?
-
Come on, you made the poo-poo.
You can poopy (baby talk) ''
-
And the baby say:
-
l said, ''That's right, you
want to make the poo-poo,
-
you poo-poo when
you want to poo-poo.''
-
And my wife and l were so happy,
we showed it to each other.
-
(in silly voice) Did you see the poo-poo?
Oh, that's a pretty poo-poo.
-
(in normal voice) We called our parents
up, ''Come over, see the poo-poo.''
-
And they came over. ''Oh, my God,
will you look at the poo-poo?''
-
Two months later,
-
God put odor in the poo-poo.
-
And it became a mess.
-
Parents didn't want to
change the child anymore.
-
And they talked to the child:
''Will you look at what you just did?
-
''No, l don't want to see that.
You made a mess, yucky, icky.
-
Messy!''
-
But as l said before, l was
there changing my daughter,
-
and my father stood over my shoulder,
put his head over my shoulder
-
and he said,
''What have you got there, son?''
-
l said, ''lt's a baby.''
-
He said, ''Oh, it looks to me like
you didn't put the stem on the apple.''
-
So l said, ''Yeah, Dad, you're right.''
-
(tsks) ''Shame.''
-
l said, ''Yeah.'' He said,
''Well, you still got another chance.''
-
l said, ''l have a lot of chances.
Camille's young and l'm young.''
-
He said, ''No, l'm not talking about that.
l'm talking about this child right here.''
-
l said, ''What are you talking about?''
He said, ''Well, grab hold of her nose
-
and blow real hard in her mouth.''
-
Now, as ridiculous as
some things may sound,
-
there comes a time of desperation,
-
when no one's looking,
-
that you will give the ridiculous a try.
-
Needless to say, l'm happy to
announce that she's still a daughter.
-
l had trouble putting her eyes back in...
-
before my wife came into the room.
-
''How did her eyes get out?''
l don't know, dear, they just...
-
l'm happy to announce also
that girls are much cleaner,
-
they're much easier to deal with
-
in terms of maturity
and what's expected of them.
-
l have a son. He's 1 1 years old now,
-
and l will tell you that
-
l don't think that the boy
is going to live much longer.
-
Now,
-
it is not l, nor my wife,
-
who are going to destroy this boy.
-
He has four sisters,
two in front and two in back.
-
They have had a meeting about him.
-
And l listened to the meeting-
they didn't know.
-
And even the four-year-old was hostile.
-
They're going to kill him.
-
l didn't know
how serious it is to a female
-
that you lift the lid.
-
But these women are serious
about killing him
-
the next time he leaves that lid down.
-
See, the only problem l have
with him is he won't zip up his fly.
-
That bothers me. You know, it's almost
a sign of someone who's not intelligent.
-
You walk around with your fly open.
You say, ''Son, zipper.'' ''Oh, yes.'' Zip.
-
But that didn't bother me. Once
l went to pick him up at school
-
and his class let out
and there's about 1 8 1 1 -year-olds,
-
and l mean, all of them,
they had their fly down.
-
So l didn't worry about my son.
-
Must be some class thing, you know.
-
But, as l said before,
-
we found out an awful lot
about God and his sense of humor.
-
The mother's curse works.
My wife and l have five children
-
and the reason why
we have five children
-
is because we do not want six.
-
And those we have,
we want to get out of the house
-
before we die.
-
Just to get them out.
-
My wife was a beautiful woman
-
before the children came.
-
l've never met a more
beautiful-looking woman,
-
in the face, in the body
and in the mind, than my wife.
-
Then the children came
-
and that curse began to take its toll.
-
My wife's face began to change.
-
The corners of her mouth
dropped down,
-
and when she talked,
her eyebrows went up and down
-
and her right hand became deformed.
-
When she talked,
she shook her finger like this:
-
(indistinct scolding)
-
That's what the curse did to her.
But the reason why the curse works
-
is because all children
have brain damage.
-
And that's what makes
the parent's face look like that.
-
Now, those of you who have
no children, let me describe
-
the brain damage. You come
in the room with a Coca Cola,
-
you set it down,
you go to get a newspaper.
-
Child comes walking in,
grabs the drink, starts to...
-
You say, ''Give me that.
Didn't l just tell you not to drink it?''
-
The child says, ''Uh-huh.''
You say, ''What did l just say?''
-
(imitating child) ''You said
for to not for to drink your drink.''
-
So every time l tell you that,
don't l? l say,
-
''When l have a drink, don't you drink it.
Don't l say that?''
-
''Uh-huh.'' Now tell me what l said.
-
(imitating child) ''You said
for to not for to drink your drink.''
-
That's right!
-
So you put it down, you go to get
the paper, the child picks it up again.
-
And quickly starts to drink it.
-
You say, ''Give me that!
Didn't l just tell you?''
-
''Uh-huh.''
-
Well, why did you do it? ''l don't know.''
-
Well, that's brain damage!
-
lf you know you're not supposed
to do something and you do it
-
and then people say, ''Why did you
do it?'' and you say, ''l don't know.''
-
Brain damage.
-
And that's what parents
have to deal with all day.
-
That's all you see, people,
''l don't know, l don't know, l don't know.''
-
You get two people in the house
and they start to yell,
-
''Will you stop touching me?
Will you stop touching me?''
-
And you have to get up
and go find out what's going on.
-
So you run over and you say, ''What's
going on?'' ''Well, she's touching me.''
-
So you figure you can solve it.
''Look, don't touch her anymore, OK?''
-
''Yeah, but she touched me first.''
You say, ''Well, why didn't you tell her--''
-
Now you're talking like them. ''Why
didn't you say you touched her first?''
-
''l didn't touch her.''
Somebody touched her!
-
So you say something brilliant, like,
''Look, l don't want anybody in this house
-
to touch another person
as long as you live.''
-
And that's why people
look the way they look.
-
My parents never smiled,
-
because l had brain damage.
-
My wife and l don't smile
because our children are loaded with it.
-
Oh, my parents smile now,
-
whenever they come over to my house
-
and they see how much
trouble l'm having.
-
Oh, they have a ball.
-
''Having a little trouble, huh, son?''
-
l mean, l never thought that l
would sound like other parents,
-
people l've heard
who are ridiculous-sounding,
-
or were, before l had children.
-
l mean, you call a child, you
say, ''Come here, come here.''
-
No, they don't hear that. They're gone.
-
You say, ''Come here.'' They're just:
-
So you have to send
a barrage of ''here''s after them.
-
''Come here, come here,
come here, come here,
-
come here! Here!''
-
Sound like a tobacco auctioneer.
-
(rapidly) Sit down, sit down,
sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit!
-
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
-
Here, here, here. Here!
-
Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it,
-
stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it!
-
l used to think that
my father was an idiot
-
because the man could not
complete a full sentence.
-
l now understand
why he sounded that way.
-
See, when you're a father,
you censor yourself.
-
You try not to curse.
You get just as angry with a child
-
and you don't want to say
''What the filth and l'll bust your filth
-
''and foul and l'll filth your face
and yeah, you filthin' foul foul filth
-
and l'll filth in your foul filth.''
You don't want to say that to a child
-
so you censor yourself
and you sound like an idiot.
-
Say, what the...
-
Get your...
-
l'll put a...
-
Get out of my face!
-
So you... my wife...
-
See, mothers look like this.
-
Fathers have a different look.
Theirs is like:
-
And fathers always say the same
thing: ''Where's your mother?''
-
l flew from Hartford, Connecticut
to Las Vegas
-
just within the last...
-
few years.
-
l will never forget a mother,
-
aged 30 through...
-
Got on the plane.
Very attractive-looking woman,
-
well-built, lovely face,
-
hair put up in a bun, sprayed heavily.
-
Earrings, looking very
upper-middle income.
-
Gold on the fingers.
-
And she had with her little Jeffrey.
-
Jeffrey's (imitating child) four years old.
(in normal voice) l know that because
-
Jeffrey kept walking around the plane,
-
just anybody, he'd say,
''l'm four years old.
-
''l'm four-l'm four years old.
-
l was three, but now l'm four years old.''
-
Little Jeffrey.
-
l remember his name, not because
he said to me, ''l'm four years old,''
-
but because Jeffrey's mother
said his name
-
all 2,500 miles of the trip.
-
Nobody on first class could
sleep because the woman,
-
''Jeffrey, will you get down.
-
''Jeffrey, don't do that,
Jeffrey, come over here.
-
''Look at what you've done,
Jeffrey, you've kicked the...
-
''Jeffrey, will you please...
Jeffrey, put your jacket...
-
Don't do that, Jeffrey...''
-
Jeffrey would stand up in the chair
and look at the little man behind.
-
''l'm four years old.''
-
Nobody could sleep 'cause Jeffrey's up.
He'd get out, she'd let him run around.
-
He'd run around with chocolate
on his hands, put it on your trousers.
-
''l'm four years old.''
-
''Jeffrey, don't you see
what you've done to the man,
-
Jeffrey, go to... Sit down, Jeffrey.''
She'd sit him down, higher and higher.
-
She'd lift him and hold him
and let him drop. Boom!
-
''Jeffrey, Jeffrey,'' and Jeffrey would
(imitates crying)
-
''Jeffrey, be quiet.''
-
(imitates crying)
-
And then Jeffrey would cough.
(imitates coughing)
-
People began to hate Jeffrey.
-
One gentlemen invited Jeffrey
into the men's room
-
to play with the blue water.
-
Emotionally,
people began to fear Jeffrey,
-
and nobody slept.
-
Five minutes before the plane landed,
-
Jeffrey fell asleep.
-
And grown people in first class
took great delight,
-
as they walked out,
-
in waking Jeffrey up. ''Goodbye, Jeffrey!''
-
(imitates crying)
-
And they'd laugh. (maniacal laughing)
-
Sounding like Renfield.
(maniacal laughing)
-
And Jeffrey's mother,
-
hair mangled
-
and just hanging by
the ball that was sprayed,
-
and the mascara had run
-
and the lines caused by her anger
-
gone deeper into her face.
-
She looked much older,
-
She looked much older,
-
and she looked tired.
-
She picked Jeffrey up.
-
Jeffrey's little limp,
sleeping body twitched.
-
She carried him off.
-
There at the end of the runway,
at the end of the ramp, rather,
-
was Jeffrey's father,
smiling, well-tanned,
-
little red, white and blue
checkered golf pants on,
-
short-sleeved shirt.
-
And Jeffrey's mother
handed Jeffrey to the father
-
and punched him dead in the face.
-
We don't know why.
-
Jeffrey's such a lovely child.
-
But you see, they're brain damaged.
-
Children doing things:
''Will you stop touching me?''
-
Psychologists write about
a two-year-old child.
-
lt's not a two-year-old child
that says ''no'' that bothers me.
-
lf l can't control that,
l might as well give it up.
-
You say to a kid, ''Come here,''
they say, ''No, you go get it,'' that's yes.
-
People don't understand children,
especially people who have no children.
-
A person with no children says,
''Well, l just love children.''
-
You say, ''Why?''
-
And they say,
''Because the child is so truthful.
-
Children are truthful, that's what
l love about them, they say the truth.''
-
That's a lie!
-
l got five of them.
-
The only time they tell the truth
is if they're having pain.
-
You get a 1 5-month-old child,
knows when to lie.
-
You see, the child crawls into
the cupboard to get its favorite cookie.
-
1 5-month-old child
knows where the cupboard is,
-
knows where its favorite cookie is,
and it will open it up
-
and sit down and take the cookie
and you go over.
-
You try to get the cookie from the child,
which is also a contest.
-
''Here, let me have it.'' l've tried to
take things away from grown people,
-
l've never had them say, ''Will you
let me have... Give me that thing.
-
Here, let me have...
l tell you, let me have that thing.''
-
But here, a 1 5-month-old child
is able to do this and l can't grab it.
-
''Here, will you let me have,
will you give that thing to me?''
-
So l take the cookie. And l take the box
-
and l put the cookie in the box
and l say, ''You can't have this.
-
You understand? l don't
want you to have the cookie.''
-
Now...
-
And l put it way up here.
-
Now, this 1 5-month-old child,
after l've left the room,
-
begins to build
-
a very sophisticated ladder,
-
climbs up the ladder,
-
and begins to try to get the cookie.
-
Now, you can hear the paper
rustling and that's in your favor
-
because a 1 5-month-old child
doesn't know that sound travels.
-
They're also not bright enough
to hire a lookout.
-
So you hear the paper rattling
and you run
-
and there's the child
standing there with the cookie.
-
So you say, ''What are you doing?''
-
Now, this honest child
looks at you and says,
-
(imitating child) ''l was
getting a cookie for you.''
-
So you say, ''l don't want a cookie!''
-
So then they say, ''Well, can l have it?''
-
Don't tell me about the truth!
-
Why did you do it? ''l don't know.''
-
l came home
from playing tennis one day,
-
my wife sitting at the end of the table,
-
like this:
-
So l said, ''Uh-oh.
Somebody's in trouble.''
-
And l was concerned about myself.
-
l'm not the boss of my house.
-
l don't know how l lost it.
-
l don't know where l lost it.
-
l don't think l ever had it.
-
But l've seen the boss's job
and l don't want it.
-
'Cause that's a rough job,
dealing with those people all day.
-
l mean, just dealing with them
for an hour is a mess.
-
(imitating child) ''l don't know.''
-
But you see, l'm a father,
-
and fathers are
the geniuses of the house.
-
We're the geniuses of the house
because only a person
-
as intelligent as we
-
could fake such stupidity.
-
Think about your father.
-
He doesn't know where anything is.
You ask him to do something,
-
he messes it up
and your mother sends you down.
-
''Will you go down
and see what your father's doing
-
before he blows the house up, please.''
-
That's a genius at work!
-
Because he doesn't want to do it
-
and he knows someone will be
coming soon to stop him from doing it.
-
My wife woke me up
4:00 in the morning.
-
She said, ''l want you to go downstairs
-
and cook breakfast for the children.''
-
And l looked at the clock.
-
l said, ''Dear, it's 6:00 in the morning.''
-
She said, ''Exactly. Go down
and cook for the children.
-
They have to go to school.''
-
l said, ''Yes, but to eat at 6:00,
-
''isn't that bad for your stomach?
-
l mean, they just ate 1 2 hours ago.''
-
My wife said, ''Bill, get out of that bed
-
''and go downstairs
-
and cook breakfast for your children.''
-
And l said, ''Well, l don't know
what they want to eat.''
-
She said, ''lt's down there.
-
Now you get out of the bed!''
-
l said, ''But where are the pans?
-
Do we have pans to cook with?''
-
She said, ''Bill, l'm not
talking to you anymore.
-
''You ask another stupid
question, so help me God,
-
l'll get the shotgun out of the closet
and blow your face off!''
-
So l said, ''Well, there's no need
to become violent about this.
-
''You seem to be
having trouble intellectualizing
-
on where the cooking apparel is.''
-
So l fell back to sleep again.
-
The next thing l knew,
-
there was a bucket of ice water
-
being shaken over my head,
-
and this woman that l've been
married to for some 1 7 years
-
was standing over me, like this:
-
''Now you get up
and cook some breakfast
-
or you're gonna wear
this bucket of ice water!''
-
So l said, ''You're serious, aren't you?''
-
So l got up.
-
Needless to say, l was angry.
-
And l went downstairs
without putting on my robe.
-
Standing there in my pajamas
and l'm talking to myself.
-
l said, ''Get these, go down
and cook breakfast,
-
but it's 6:00 in the morning,''
and l slam the pans down.
-
Blam! On the stove.
-
And l slam 'em down
and go to the refrigerator
-
and l look around and l get to
the damn bacon, and the sausage!
-
Cooking breakfast, 6 o'blam
in the morning and l grab the--
-
You have to be careful with eggs.
-
God! l have to cook breakfast. Boom!
-
l turn around.
-
The first one down
was the four-year-old.
-
The child looked lovely,
cute little face clean,
-
hair in little braids,
little things, you know.
-
(imitating child) ''Good morn', Daddy.''
-
And l said, ''What do you
want for breakfast?!''
-
And the four-year-old
has the ability to see through
-
and find the wrong thing.
-
And the child saw through
my body what was behind me.
-
She saw the chocolate cake.
And she said,
-
''Can l have the chocolate cake?''
And l said, ''Chocolate cake? Where?''
-
She said, ''Chocolate cake behind you.''
-
And l looked
and there was chocolate cake.
-
The child wanted chocolate cake
for breakfast.
-
How ridiculous. And l said...
-
How ridiculous. And l said...
-
and someone in my brain looked
under ''chocolate cake''
-
and saw the ingredients: eggs!
-
Eggs are in chocolate cake!
-
And milk!
-
Oh, goody!
-
And wheat!
-
That's nutrition. What do you want?
-
- ''Can l have some chocolate cake?''
- Chocolate cake, coming up!
-
(imitates slicing)
-
Sliced it for her and served it.
-
Now, you need something to
drink with the chocolate cake,
-
something breakfast.
-
- Grapefruit juice!
- (woman in audience) No-o-o!
-
This is not your child!
-
So l give the child
a glass of grapefruit juice
-
and chocolate cake. Nutrition!
-
Eggs, milk and wheat
in the chocolate cake,
-
and l didn't have to cook.
-
And the other four came downstairs
-
and when they came downstairs,
those of you who have children,
-
you've seen them
come downstairs for school:
-
(imitating sluggish children)
-
And they got to the kitchen:
(imitating sluggish children)
-
and they saw the four-year-old
eating chocolate cake.
-
And they said ''Dad!
-
Where did she get the chocolate cake?''
-
They went to the child and said,
''How did you get chocolate cake?''
-
She said,
''Dad gave me chocolate cake.''
-
And they looked at me and they said...
-
(in pleading voice) ''Father...
-
could we have chocolate cake?''
-
And their father said, ''Chocolate cake
coming up! Four slices.''
-
(imitates slicing sound)
-
And grapefruit juice.
-
And five children sat at breakfast.
-
And the morning music was playing:
(imitates bass guitar)
-
And they were eating chocolate cake.
-
And singing songs to me:
-
d Dad is great!
-
d Gave us the chocolate cake!
-
And we had a ball, until...
-
She came down like this:
-
And when she saw
what the children were eating...
-
l've always heard about
people having a conniption,
-
but l'd never seen one.
-
You don't want to see 'em.
-
My wife's face...
-
split.
-
The skin and hair split
and came off of her face
-
so that there was nothing
except the skull
-
and orange light came out of her hair
-
and it lit all around
-
and fire shot from her eye sockets
-
and began to burn my stomach
and she said
-
(in screechy voice) ''Where did
they get chocolate cake from?!''
-
And l said, ''They asked for it!''
-
And the children who had
been singing praises to me
-
lied on me
-
and said, ''Uh-uh!
-
''We asked for eggs and milk
-
and Dad made us eat this!''
-
And my wife sent me to my room.
-
Which is where l wanted
to go in the first place.
-
So you see, we are dumb,
-
but we are not so dumb.
-
lt takes great thinking and work
to keep from working.
-
But the brain-damaged people
-
drive your face...
-
Why did you do that?
(imitating child) ''l don't know.''
-
Sometimes you hear it in your sleep.
-
''l don't know.''
-
We have a three-year-old.
-
Everything she wants,
-
she thinks it's all right just to take it.
-
Well, sometimes it
belongs to someone else.
-
So the others say, ''Give this
back. This belongs to me.''
-
And the three-year-old says,
(piercing voice) ''Mine! Mine! Mine!''
-
And this sound travels
through the house
-
and the vibrations seek out
a grown person's spinal cord
-
and it makes the legs go up
and down and you have to get up
-
and find out where
the sound is coming from.
-
(piercing voice) ''Mine! Mine!''
-
And you see this child
pulling on something and yelling,
-
(piercing voice) ''Mine!''
And at the end of it
-
is an older child mumbling,
''No, you got this out of my room.''
-
And you go up quickly
and you hit the older child.
-
''Why don't you lay off?
Don't you hear her yelling?!''
-
Because parents are not
interested in justice...
-
they want quiet.
-
The older child ran off crying
and l said, ''Just shut up!
-
''She's got stuff that belongs to me, too!
-
Think you're by yourself
in this, you're crazy!''
-
l came home from playing tennis,
as l said before.
-
My wife was like this,
-
and l was hoping that l wasn't the one
-
she was looking like that about.
-
And l went up to her
and l kissed her on the cheek.
-
l said, ''How you feeling, Pud?''
-
She said, ''l want you...
-
''to go upstairs...
-
and kill that boy.''
-
And l said, ''Right!''
-
'Cause l was happy
l wasn't the one in trouble.
-
Kill the boy, kill the boy.
-
Yes, master. Yes, master.
-
(maniacal laughter)
-
So l go to kill my son.
-
He was in the room,
-
looking pitiful. And l can understand that
-
because my mother sent me
to the room many times.
-
''Your father comes home, he's going
to shoot you in the face with a bazooka.
-
''And l am not going to
stop him this time, either.
-
''You know, he's always
wanted to kill you.
-
''The day you were born,
he said, 'Kill it.'
-
''l stopped him from
killing you for 1 1 years.
-
(sobbing) And this is the thanks
l get for saving your life!''
-
(sniffs)
-
l looked at him, l said,
-
''Your mother sent me here to kill you.''
-
He said, ''Uh-huh.''
-
l looked at him
-
and l noticed that on top of his head,
-
from here all the way around to here,
-
there was no hair.
-
So l said, ''Uh...
-
son.''
-
Called him son...
-
l said,
-
''What happened to your hair?''
-
He said, ''l don't know.''
-
l said, ''Son, take your hand
-
''and put it on top of your head
-
and tell me what you feel.''
-
He said, ''There's no hair.''
-
l said, ''Right!
-
Now tell Dad
what happened to your hair.''
-
He said, ''l don't know.''
-
l said, ''Son,
-
was your head with you all day today?''
-
He said, ''Uh-huh.''
-
- l said, ''Did you cut your hair off?''
- He said, ''Uh-huh.''
-
l said, ''Then why
didn't you tell me that?''
-
He said, ''l don't know.''
-
l said, ''ls this the hairstyle you wanted?''
-
He said, ''Uh-huh.''
-
l said, ''A reversed Mohawk?!''
-
So l went back downstairs,
my wife said, ''Did you kill him?''
-
l said, ''No.'' She said, ''Why?''
l said, ''l don't know.''
-
Are you guys married?
Oh, yeah? How long?
-
- (man) Three years.
- Three years. Yeah.
-
And you're still holding hands?
-
Weird people.
-
- Are you married?
- (man #2) Yeah.
-
- How many years?
- (man #2) 35.
-
35? Where's your wife?
-
(audience laughing)
-
l found out that
-
the male does not
pay attention to the vows.
-
The male does not
pay attention to those vows.
-
The female does.
-
See, you ask a male, you say, um,
-
''Can you repeat the part with the vows?
-
''No, not 'Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here to witness
-
'in all the face and the thing...'''
you know...
-
But l do duly, doth-ly, solely...
-
But l do duly, doth-ly, solely...
-
promise... to! to!
-
promise to cherish...
-
The male can remember cherish.
-
The male can remember honor,
-
love and then you say, ''What else?''
-
and they say, ''Till death do us part.''
-
Now when you ask the female,
you say, ''Do you remember the vows?''
-
She says, ''Yes.'' You say,
''Well, what do you remember?''
-
She says, ''Obey.''
-
You say, ''What about it?''
She say, ''Well, he's obeying.
-
And he better obey.''
-
And that is how you become the boss,
-
because you get the male to obey.
He's got to obey.
-
l mean, he just doesn't
have anything else to do.
-
Obey.
-
And it's a funny-sounding word, obey.
-
Sounds like pig Latin.
-
Obey.
-
Obey.
-
Oh, yea, obey.
-
Anyway, my wife is the boss
-
and as l said before, l don't want her job,
-
l've seen it. lt's a horrible job.
-
And l still don't understand
how she's going to outlive me.
-
'Cause anybody who's
gotta deal emotionally
-
with those people
and can still outlive me,
-
there's something wrong with me.
l must be sick.
-
Let me give you an example
of what l call,
-
''the same thing happens every night.''
-
lt's supper time.
Do you have children? How old?
-
- (man) They're grown now.
- They're grown now.
-
But how many did you have? Two. OK.
-
That qualifies. That qualifies.
-
Because a person with one child,
l don't call them really a parent
-
because there are
too many things left out.
-
lf you just have one child,
there are too many things left out.
-
For instance, if something's
broken in the house,
-
you have one child, you know who did it.
-
See, you don't have to go through
-
(imitating child) ''l-l-l...''
-
You know the child did it.
-
Also, people with one child
do not have to go through,
-
''Will you stop touching me?''
-
lf you got one child
and the child's doing that,
-
then you got to take it away, you know.
-
Now the same thing
happens every night.
-
We have five children.
They sit in the center.
-
My wife is at this end, l'm at this end.
-
And our children enjoy their dinner
-
because my wife allows them to
listen to their music. So you get:
-
(imitates bass guitar)
-
And the children eat and they:
-
l don't look at 'em, l just keep...
-
Now, my wife looks the situation over
-
and she can tell when the children
are not going to eat any more.
-
See, she can tell. They've
fooled around long enough.
-
''All right, now, you've
fooled around long enough.
-
Everybody get up from the table.''
My wife says this every night.
-
''Everybody get up
from the table, go upstairs,
-
''take off all your clothes,
-
''get into the shower,
-
please turn on the water...''
-
You have to tell them to do that
-
because if you don't,
they'll just wander around the tub.
-
And then get out and get in the bed.
-
''Please use soap.''
-
That's mostly for my son.
-
''Rinse yourselves off, dry yourselves off,
-
''put on clean pajamas, get into the bed
-
and go to sleep.''
-
Now, if these brain-damaged
children would do that,
-
there would be no beatings.
-
But there's going to be a beating tonight.
-
And the children get up to go upstairs
-
and l kiss them goodnight
and l try to warn them:
-
''Please, do what your mother says
-
or somebody's gonna get it tonight.''
-
And the children kiss me
and they pat me on my head
-
and they smile and look at me
as if to say, ''Dear man,
-
''thank you for your kindness
-
''and your wonderful attitude
about this whole situation,
-
''but you don't understand.
We cannot sleep through the night
-
unless we've had a good beating.''
-
And so they go upstairs
and l can tell they're gonna get it
-
'cause they've started already
before they even get upstairs.
-
''Will you stop touching me!
And you're touching me,
-
you stop, you're touching me.''
-
(piercing voice) ''Mine, mine, mine!''
-
Now they get upstairs
and all you hear is:
-
(imitates sound of footsteps)
-
Now my wife talks to the ceiling:
-
''All right, up there!
-
''l know you don't
want me to come up there.
-
l don't hear any water running.''
-
Now downstairs comes
our seven-year-old.
-
The informer.
-
This is the same child
that my wife sends with me
-
whenever l'm going out somewhere.
-
The informer's favorite words
are ''guess what.''
-
(imitating child) ''Um, um, um, Mom?
-
''Um, um, um, Mom, um, um, um,
-
''Ennis is upstairs in trouble
-
''and so l want to, um,
get into the shower
-
''and so then, um, he took, um, the towel
-
and popped me on my behind.''
-
''Go upstairs and tell Ennis
l said not to do that anymore.''
-
(imitating child) ''But, Mom, l already
told him so then he took the towel,
-
''so, guess what?
-
''Um, Ennis popped me on
the behind with the towel so l said,
-
'l'm gonna tell Mom on you.'''
-
''Go upstairs and tell him l said not to
do it again and take your clothes off.''
-
(imitating child) ''OK, but l know he's
just gonna pop me in the behind again
-
'cause he's always popping people.''
-
Four minutes later,
downstairs comes the four-year-old.
-
She is naked and wet.
-
Shampoo in her hair has run into her
eye. She is running in place and yelling.
-
(imitates yelling)
-
Walking with her, also naked and wet
-
with a smile on her face, is the informer.
-
(imitating child) ''See, Mom, l told you.
-
''Ennis took and poured water
on the baby and the shampoo
-
run into her eye
and she may be blinded for life.''
-
Now my son, who is 1 1 years old,
comes downstairs.
-
He has on his pajamas.
They are stuck to his body
-
because he forgot to dry himself.
-
(imitating son) ''l'm trying to
take a shower upstairs
-
''and so then they come in the shower.
l told them l'm too grown
-
for them to be showering with me--''
The baby turns and kicks him.
-
The seven-year-old punches him.
(imitates punching)
-
He punches the baby,
shoves the seven-year-old.
-
They're fighting. (imitates bickering)
-
My wife turns around, grabs a yardstick.
-
She holds it like a samurai warrior.
-
She then makes an announcement
that the beatings will now begin
-
by saying, ''l have had
-
enough of this.''
-
Now these three brain-damaged people
have the nerve to look surprised.
-
My wife is... (imitates flying yardstick)
Children run everywhere.
-
Now my job is, l am the goalie.
-
The children come at me,
l kick 'em back into play.
-
Now the beatings are over,
not because l see my wife,
-
but because l hear all of upstairs going:
-
(imitates sobbing)
-
Now here's the funny part:
-
my wife comes downstairs
with the broken stick,
-
throws it on the table,
-
sits down and begins to talk out loud to
-
nobody.
-
''Gonna tell me that you're
not going to do something
-
''when l tell you to do something.
l mean, you move when l say move.
-
''Think l carried you
in my body for nine months
-
''so you can roll your eyes at me?
-
''l'll roll that little head of yours
-
''down on the floor. You don't
know who you're fooling with.
-
l'll beat you until
you can't grow anymore.''
-
So funny.
My wife and l didn't ask for this.
-
We just asked for some children
we could send to college.
-
My mother and father come over
to the house quite often.
-
They're grandparents now.
-
Funny. They're funny people.
-
l've never seen such a
turnaround in all my life.
-
My father came over
to the house, sat down,
-
went into his pocket
and pulled out a handful of money.
-
He began to pass it out
to the children, you know.
-
He made the announcement:
''Now let's see if Granddad has
-
any money for
these wonderful children.''
-
Well, five children came from
everywhere. (whooshing sound)
-
See, the priorities are there.
''Money for the children.''
-
They heard that,
understood it and responded.
-
Anything else is
(irritably) ''money for the children.''
-
You have to say it like that. (irritably)
''Come here, come here, come here.''
-
(in normal voice) So they can hear.
-
My father began to pass
this money out and l thought,
-
''This is the same man
who, when l was his child,
-
''l would ask him for 50 cents,
-
this man would tell me his life story.''
-
And my father never told a happy story.
-
For 50 cents
there never was happiness.
-
The man ate dirt
till he was 30 years old.
-
That's all there was, was dirt.
-
And he was thankful to eat that dirt.
That's the part l couldn't understand.
-
No matter how much he suffered,
he'd always say,
-
''And l was thankful to get it!''
-
My father walked to school,
-
4:00 every morning,
-
with no shoes on,
-
uphill,
-
both ways,
-
in five feet of snow, and he was thankful.
-
l asked my father to give me
a dollar for the school picnic.
-
He told me how he killed a grizzly bear
with his loose-leaf notebook.
-
Now he's giving money away.
-
My mother kisses every child.
-
''Just come here and kiss your
grandmommy.'' (imitates kissing)
-
''Grandmommy just love you to death.''
My children think that my mother's
-
the most wonderful person
on the face of this earth.
-
And l keep telling my children, ''That's
not the same woman l grew up with.
-
You're looking at an old person
who's trying to get into heaven now.''
-
Yes, my mother, now a grandmother,
same woman, when l was her child,
-
could not stand my room. The woman
would come look at my room and say,
-
''Would you look at this filth?'' Now,
l've already been in the room five hours.
-
She wants me to look at it.
-
(imitating mother) ''l said 'look at it!'''
-
My mother was an authority on pigsties.
-
''This is the worst-looking pigsty
l have ever seen in my life!
-
''And l want it cleaned up right now.
-
How anyone can live in
this filth is beyond me.''
-
l love it when they give you
''another think coming.''
-
''lf you think that l was put
on this earth to be your slave,
-
you've got another think coming.''
-
And mothers are always
more interested in
-
the condition of your underwear
than your body
-
if you're ever in an accident.
-
And they tell you that.
''l hope for my sake,
-
if you're ever in an accident,
you have on clean underwear.''
-
Well, l thought that's what
an accident was.
-
Look, you're driving a truck,
-
here comes another truck gonna hit you.
-
Now, whether you hit the truck or not,
you're going to have soiled underwear,
-
because first you say it, then you do it.
-
Now here comes your mother
to the hospital.
-
(imitating mother) ''Did he
have on clean underwear?''
-
(imitating hospital worker) ''Yes, we
found it in the glove compartment.''
-
l love it when they get so angry
they can't remember your name.
-
''You come here, uh, Roy, uh, Roquefort,
uh, Rutabaga, what is your name, boy?
-
''And don't lie to me 'cause you live here
and l'll find out who you are.
-
Take a stick and knock your brains out.''
-
l always wanted to
get some calves' brains,
-
keep 'em in my hand.
-
My mother'd hit me in the head,
l'd throw 'em on the floor.
-
But knowing my mother, it wouldn't
work. She'd say, ''Put your brains
-
''back in your head. Don't you let
your brains fall out of your head.
-
Have you lost your mind?''
And that's another thing:
-
they ask you a question, you try
and answer, they tell you to shut up!
-
''Day and night, night and day,
work my fingers to the bone, for what?''
-
''l don't--'' ''Shut up!''
-
''And when l ask you a question,
you keep your trap shut!
-
''Think l'm talking
to hear myself talk? Answer me!
-
''You make me sick!
-
''l'm just sick of this and l'm sick of you.
-
''So sick l don't know
what to do with myself.
-
Now l am just sick and tired.''
-
''And tired'' always followed ''sick.''
Worst beating l ever got in my life,
-
my mother said, ''l am just sick--''
l said, ''And tired.''
-
l don't remember anything after that.
-
But, you see, fathers
are altogether different.
-
l'm not saying they're better.
l'm saying they're different.
-
See, my father established our
relationship when l was seven years old.
-
He looked at me, he said, ''l brought
you into this world. l'll take you out.
-
And it don't make no difference to me.
l'll make another one look just like you.''
-
And because of my father,
between the age of seven through 1 5,
-
l thought my name was Jesus Christ.
-
He said, ''Jesus Christ!''
-
And my brother Russell
thought his name was Dammit.
-
''Dammit, will you stop all that noise?!''
-
''Jesus Christ, sit down!''
-
So one day l'm out playing in the rain.
-
My father said, ''Dammit,
will you get in here!''
-
l said, ''Dad, l'm Jesus Christ.''
-
But you see, fathers
are more fun than mothers
-
because fathers are the only people in
the house who are allowed to have gas.
-
And they don't care either. They just
sit right there and (imitates farting)
-
And you always know when they're
finished 'cause they say, ''Oh, boy.''
-
My father would do it
and blame it on invisible animals.
-
(imitates elephant's trumpeting) ''You
see that elephant run under there?''
-
And my brother was
dumb enough to look for it.
-
Now here comes my mother.
''All right, dinner-- Oh, Lord,
-
what happened in here?''
-
He said, ''Mom, there's an
elephant under Dad's chair.''
-
''Did you see it?''
-
''No, but it lifted Dad up about two feet.''
-
Do you know my father's favorite game?
-
''Come here and pull my finger.''
-
Thank you for coming.
Take care of yourselves.
-
Good night. Thank you.
-
Thank you. Thank you.
-
(d intro to ''Just the Slew Of Us''
by Bill Cosby)
-
(girl) Daddy, can we go
to the school dance?
-
( Cosby) What? Well,
what did your mother say?
-
Well, tell her
don't bother me with that.
-
Now take your sister's clothes off
and don't wear 'em anymore.
-
Yes, I know-- What?
-
Now what do you want?
Where's your mother?
-
Well, don't come to me with that
'cause I'm busy doing things.
-
And get the dog out of here.
The dog does not belong...
-
Who took my socks?
Did you take my soc--
-
I don't care what they're wearing
these days, take the socks off.
-
And you take off my shirt, too.
-
I've never seen a seven-year-old boy
wear a size 1 3 shoe.
-
d Just the slew of us
-
d We can make it,
just the slew of us
-
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