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Bill Cosby - Himself

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    Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
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    (d intro to ''Just the Slew Of Us''
    by Bill Cosby)
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    (applause)
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    (applause and whistling)
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    (applause and whistling continues)
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    (mouths) More. More. More.
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    - (man in audience yells)
    - (inaudible)
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    Sit up there and yell like that.
    Today's only Thursday,
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    for crying out loud. Thursday.
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    You gotta wait till Friday.
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    lt's always strange.
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    l've had a lot of people work for me
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    and l've found out it's a funny thing that
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    you give them Saturday and Sunday off
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    and they work so hard
    to get to those two days
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    and those are the two days that
    they totally destroy themselves.
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    (audience laughing)
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    l mean, you know,
    you think to yourself, you say,
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    ''My goodness,
    l've really pounded these people
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    and worked them to death'' and
    Friday comes and they say, ''Yeah!''
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    And then they come in Monday...
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    (audience laughing)
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    ...say, ''Boy, am l glad to be back here.
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    ''l'm no good on my own.
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    l was given two whole days
    and l just went crazy.'' Yeah.
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    l don't know where you get these people
    from. Sometimes l think it's drugs.
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    lt's got to be drugs,
    'cause people on pure air
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    don't worry about things like that.
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    You know, the drugs, the drugs, l really,
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    l think drugs make people
    so, you know, they get like:
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    l've seen 'em. You know,
    they take (inhales deeply)
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    you know, and then they
    have to hold it in, see.
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    See, that's the problem with smoking,
    you have to (inhales sharply) look.
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    Now, your body doesn't want it
    so it starts to kick it out
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    whether you want to hold it or not,
    so you begin to (sputtering)
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    (continues sputtering)
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    (coughing)
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    (continues coughing)
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    Now, the best part about drugs
    is that while you're doing that,
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    the person sitting next to you is going,
    ''Hey, man, pass that over.''
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    (audience laughing)
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    Then the people get stoned.
    Now this is the fun part of getting...
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    They get stoned,
    then they become paranoid:
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    Now, when they started out, they said,
    ''Let's get high and have fun.''
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    So they're high, now they're paranoid.
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    ''Am l falling out of this chair?''
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    Then l've known people who've
    gotten stoned and they start to laugh
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    and nobody knows
    what they're laughing at.
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    You know, they're just:
    (mouthing laughter)
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    (laughs uproariously)
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    ''No, wait a minute, wait a minute.''
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    (laughs uproariously)
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    ''No, wait a minute.
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    ''l went over to the...
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    ''Ooh!
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    (laughs)
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    ''No, wait a minute.
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    ''l went over to the Burger King.
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    ''And so the guy took a piece of meat,
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    ''and threw it on the grill.
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    ''l said, 'Oh, wow!'
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    ''Ooh!
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    ''So then he turned it over.
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    ''lt was all brown.
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    ''l said, 'Far out!'
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    ''And he put it between
    two pieces of bread.
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    ''l said, 'Oh, no!'
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    And the guy ate it.''
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    But the biggest one... is the cocaine.
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    - (man) Yow!
    - There they go!
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    There they go! Cocaine, Jack!
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    ''You take cocaine, man?''
    People say, ''Yeah.''
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    ''You take cocaine, man?''
    People say, ''Yeah.''
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    Say, ''l'll do a few lines.''
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    And l said to a guy, l said,
    ''Tell me, you know,
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    what is it about cocaine
    that makes it so wonderful?''
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    And the guy said, ''Well, it
    intensifies your personality.''
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    And l said, ''Yes,
    but what if you're an asshole?''
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    (applause and cheering)
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    (man) Yow!
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    But l really want to study,
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    l really want to study
    this whole thing of drinking,
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    getting drunk, and people saying
    that they're having a good time.
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    Because if you put on a good suit,
    you put on a good suit or whatever
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    and you say, ''l'm going out
    to have a good time.''
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    But some people announce it:
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    ''l'm going out
    because l deserve to go out
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    ''and l'm going to get drunk
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    ''because l deserve to get drunk
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    and get out of my way.''
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    Now, these people get up there
    and they drink and they drink
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    and they drink,
    and the body begins to tell you:
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    (in deep voice) ''Please,
    you better slow down.''
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    (in normal voice)
    You have a person who came in
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    and they were walking like this:
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    See, there's different kinds
    of walks for drunken people.
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    Now, for instance,
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    if you just have a regular
    old raggedy bourbon drunk,
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    you know, they go like:
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    You know, and they're
    really trying to maintain.
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    And the people keep leaning
    the room on them, you know.
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    See. Now you can get a gin drunk.
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    Gin and vodka, you know,
    martinis, now, these are the people,
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    very, you know, they
    have their own business...
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    and they just stop off
    and have about six or seven.
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    And their fingers pickle 'cause
    that's what they stir their drink up with.
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    And they do a lot of this when they talk:
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    With their drink, so their drink
    spurts on your shoe, you know.
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    You know, and you're looking
    at your shoe and they're going:
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    And they hum a lot when they...
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    ''Hum, how you been?'' You say, ''Fine.''
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    ''Hum, nice to see you again.
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    Hum, oh, pardon me, hum.''
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    You know, very smooth people,
    you know.
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    So then, of course,
    the obvious one is the wino, but see,
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    winos, once they get down to
    where they cannot walk anymore,
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    you know, they just kind of
    heel-toe it, you know...
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    Just kind of easy, going to get it.
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    Now, you have, like, since the
    country-western thing has happened,
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    you got all these people with
    the cowboy hats and a buckle
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    and...
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    they just drink a lot of beer.
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    - (man whistles)
    - See? There they are.
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    See... And beer drinkers are really
    different people because they...
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    something happens to their
    hearing. They go almost...
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    They... everything... (bellowing) Hey!
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    (bellowing) All right!
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    Now, they drink a lot of beer
    and the beer does not go here,
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    it goes in one leg.
    And when that leg fills up,
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    then they have to take it to the john, see.
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    And so when they walk, you know, they:
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    Now,
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    when they come out of the bathroom,
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    then you can tell, see.
    lt's empty now, you see.
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    They step up to the bar
    and fill it back up.
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    Now when it gets so that,
    you know, this leg is, ''l gotta go.''
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    (bellowing) ''Hey!
    l've gotta go again! Oh!''
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    But this is always like this,
    always hanging out.
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    And they keep doing like this
    and the thing falls down.
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    Then they wanna go ride
    this mechanical animal
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    and fall and bust their face, you know...
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    ''l rode the bull at Gilley's
    and busted my face,'' you know.
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    A picture of an idiot in action.
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    But now, the person who has
    dedicated themselves to going out
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    and getting so drunk
    that they're gonna get sick,
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    is the all-time dumb person.
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    They stand there, just drinking, drinking.
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    Now, the body says,
    ''Don't take another drink.''
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    So you reach up and you go...
    and the stomach say,
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    the message has come down.
    ''He's taking another drink.
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    the message has come down.
    ''He's taking another drink.
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    ''All right, reverse gears,
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    but just take it up to the top of the neck.''
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    (imitates mechanical sound)
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    This stuff comes up to here,
    he says, ''Now give him a small burp.''
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    (imitates burping)
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    (shuddering)
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    ''Turn on the sweat machine.''
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    Now people say, ''Are you all right?''
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    (slurring) ''Of course l'm OK.''
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    Now you've got to go,
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    so you come into the bathroom.
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    (imitates door opening) Close the door.
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    (imitates door closing)
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    Now, don't forget,
    you owe this to yourself.
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    You worked hard all week.
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    lt's come to this.
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    (applause)
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    (groaning)
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    (groaning continues)
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    (moaning)
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    Oh, Jesus.
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    Oh, God.
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    lf you get me out of this,
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    l won't drink again as long as l live.
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    Oh!
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    Now you are ready...
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    to put your face...
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    in a place...
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    that was never built for your face.
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    (moans)
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    Now you feel it coming.
    ''All right, l'm ready.
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    ''Holding on, holding on.
    We going for a ride? Yes.
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    ''Bring it on? Yes.
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    Here it comes, l'm ready to explode.''
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    And your muscles lock, everything.
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    And you wouldn't be surprised,
    you would not be surprised
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    if you saw your shoes come out
    of your mouth. You'd say ''Yes!''
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    Now that wave has stopped,
    you... (moans)
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    You put your head
    on the side of the bowl
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    and you thank the toilet bowl.
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    ''Thank you, toilet bowl.
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    ''Thank you so much
    for being cool on the side.
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    ''Only you understand me, toilet bowl.
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    You're the only friend l have,
    my wonderful toilet bowl.''
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    Now, people keep coming to the door.
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    (imitates door opening)
    ''Are you all right?''
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    And you say, ''Oh, yes.
    l'm always like this all the time.
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    ''Just having a little picnic.
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    Just listening to the toilet bowl.''
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    (imitates toilet flushing)
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    And that's called having a good time.
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    l never understand that.
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    l mean, it's all right if
    you're a teenager, you know,
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    you've never had it before, you know,
    and you say, ''What is this all about?''
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    You keep drinking and getting sick
    and throw up. But grown people do that.
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    On weekends.
    And then they come back to work
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    and they go, ''Oh, God, my head...''
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    Strange.
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    Dentists...
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    tell you not to pick your teeth
    with any sharp metal object.
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    Then you sit in their chair,
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    and the first thing
    they grab is an iron hook.
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    And they start to pick in an area
    that you came to get fixed.
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    (imitates picking)
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    l found out something about myself
    while the dentist was doing that.
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    l found out if l was ever
    paralyzed from the knee down,
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    l'd be able to walk with my behind.
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    Because the whole time
    he kept doing that l just kept...
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    (deep voice) ''Can you sit up?''
    ''l'm sorry, l beg your pardon.''
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    (deep voice) ''Sit up.'' ''l'm sorry.''
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    Now the dentist pulls out a needle.
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    This is to deaden the pain.
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    Says, ''Open up.'' Now, a regular doctor
    giving you a shot would go:
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    and that's it.
    Dentists don't do that, they go:
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    And you're there... (gasping)
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    Then they want to talk to you.
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    ''Do you ever do any fishing?''
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    (muffled) Uh-huh. (gasping)
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    ''Where do you usually go?''
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    (muffled voice)
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    ''Yes, l've been there
    many times myself.''
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    Now he pulls the needle out.
    Puts this thing in your mouth.
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    (imitates suction hose)
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    This will suck up your face.
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    The dentist goes outside
    to laugh at you.
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    And you sit, grown-up, intelligent
    human being, arguing with this thing.
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    (sucking) (gagging) (sucking)
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    You also notice
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    that the right side of your face
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    feels like it's sliding off of your skull.
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    And your bottom lip is in your lap.
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    So the dentist comes back.
    You want to talk to him.
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    So you say, (indistinct speech)
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    ''l beg your pardon?''
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    (slurring)
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    ''l don't understand.''
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    (slurring)
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    ''Your what?''
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    (slurring)
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    ''Your face?'' (lisping) Yeth!
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    ''What's the matter with it?''
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    (slurring) What's the matter with it?
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    My face... my face is hanging down...
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    Do you see this?
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    This is my bottom lip.
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    lt wasn't like this when l came in here.
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    ''Well, l'll fix it.'' l hope so!
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    Because when you put
    the needle in my mouth,
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    my face went down like this,
    my bottom lip went on the floor.
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    So l can't live like this now.
    ''l'll fix it.''
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    (slurring) OK!
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    Now he starts to drill: (imitates drilling)
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    And you see and smell smoke
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    coming out of your mouth. So you say,
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    (slurring) ''Wait a minute.''
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    ''What's the matter?'' (slurring) Smoke!
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    ''What?''
    (slurring) Smoke, smoke, smoke!
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    There's some smoke
    and it's coming out of my mouth.
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    ''l don't understand.''
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    (slurring) Fire!
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    Do you understand the fire?
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    There's a fire in my mouth
    and the smoke is coming out.
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    And my face is hanging on the floor.
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    ''The fire?'' Yes!
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    ''Where?''
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    (slurring) Never mind, never mind.
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    Now he drills some more
    and you hear him make a mistake.
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    (imitates drill slipping)
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    And to cover it up, they all
    say the same thing: ''OK, rinse.''
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    (slurring) Rinse?
    You asking me to rinse?
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    l don't have a bottom lip.
    How can l rinse?
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    ''Give it a try.''
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    (slurring) Give it a try? OK.
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    (in normal voice) Grab the cup,
    pour the water, it runs all down...
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    (slurring) l hope that you are satisfied.
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    l hope that you are satisfied.
    l put the water in my mouth,
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    l told you l can't rinse
    because l have no bottom lip,
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    the water went all down in my lap.
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    l hope that you are satisfied.
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    ''Rinse again.''
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    You've gotta be kidding me!
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    So you pick it up, put it in. Now,
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    you're gonna spit into
    this miniature toilet bowl.
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    You have no bottom lip
    so you let it all fall out,
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    say, ''Thank God for gravity.''
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    Now you want to sit back but you can't
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    because hanging...
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    from your bottom lip is a long line
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    and you can't get it off your bottom lip.
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    Oh, if you wanna be gross,
    you can grab it and throw it over there.
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    But you try to be smooth
    about it, you know...
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    And it's breaking over here
    and it's breaking over there.
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    Try to blow it off: (blowing)
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    Just vibrating.
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    So you figure, maybe if you sit back,
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    it'll snap in half.
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    So you sit back. Now you have a line
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    from the bowl to your bottom lip.
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    The dentist looks at it
    and says, ''Oh, look, a rainbow!''
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    So you have to pay him for that.
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    Anyway, l didn't come here
    to tell you that.
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    l, uh...
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    wanted to discuss some
    very serious matters here.
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    The... (coughs)
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    Pardon me.
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    My wife and l were intellectuals...
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    before we had children.
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    We were very, very bright people.
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    My wife graduated from
    the University of Maryland,
  • 26:11 - 26:17
    child psychology major
    with a B-plus average,
  • 26:17 - 26:20
    which means that if you ask her
    a question about a child's behavior,
  • 26:20 - 26:24
    she will give you at least an 85 answer.
  • 26:26 - 26:29
    l, from Temple University,
    physical education major
  • 26:29 - 26:33
    with a child psychology minor,
    which means that if you ask me
  • 26:33 - 26:38
    a question about a child's behavior, l will
    tell you to tell the child to take a lap.
  • 26:44 - 26:49
    Needless to say, we felt qualified
  • 26:49 - 26:52
    to handle having children,
  • 26:53 - 26:57
    and we planned to have children.
  • 26:58 - 27:00
    We sat in the back seat of a car,
  • 27:00 - 27:02
    (audience laughing)
  • 27:04 - 27:08
    and discussed it. Children.
  • 27:08 - 27:11
    We wanted to have children
    and bring them up.
  • 27:13 - 27:18
    And we spoke to God about the children
  • 27:19 - 27:24
    and we were afraid to ask God
  • 27:24 - 27:27
    for specific things.
  • 27:27 - 27:31
    We felt that it might be too much.
  • 27:31 - 27:36
    We said to God,
    ''Please give us a healthy child,''
  • 27:36 - 27:38
    and we left it at that,
  • 27:41 - 27:44
    not knowing that God
    is a generous God,
  • 27:46 - 27:49
    but also has a sense of humor,
  • 27:51 - 27:55
    and that if you leave
    that much open for God,
  • 27:55 - 27:59
    some wonderful jokes
    are going to come about.
  • 28:00 - 28:03
    Still being intellectuals,
  • 28:04 - 28:07
    my wife and l decided to
    bring our first child into the world
  • 28:07 - 28:11
    by way of natural childbirth.
  • 28:12 - 28:15
    Now, we were intellectuals,
    mind you, which means that
  • 28:15 - 28:19
    intellectuals go to study things
  • 28:19 - 28:22
    that people do naturally.
  • 28:24 - 28:27
    You see, let's think about it.
  • 28:27 - 28:31
    Childbirth is a natural thing.
  • 28:31 - 28:35
    The pains come automatically,
    the muscles tighten and push down
  • 28:35 - 28:38
    and the mother is there
    and all you need,
  • 28:38 - 28:43
    as they say in every movie, is hot water.
  • 28:43 - 28:46
    ''Get the hot water,''
    and they just send some fool, runs,
  • 28:46 - 28:49
    ''Hot water,'' you know, and bothers
    everybody in the world for hot water.
  • 28:49 - 28:53
    But even if you don't have hot water,
    the baby's going to come.
  • 28:53 - 28:57
    Ker-boom! Natural.
    Nature takes its course.
  • 28:57 - 29:01
    (imitates creaking) Whammo!
  • 29:01 - 29:03
    And there it is. You understand?
  • 29:03 - 29:05
    You just need somebody
    there to grab a hold,
  • 29:06 - 29:09
    you know, to grab the rope, you know.
  • 29:09 - 29:14
    ''There, keep pulling there, it's coming,
    l'll be right there in a second.'' See?
  • 29:14 - 29:19
    Natural childbirth. People do it
    all around the deprived countries,
  • 29:19 - 29:21
    quote, unquote,
    ''deprived countries of the world.''
  • 29:21 - 29:25
    Women... The lady's
    out there picking the rice
  • 29:25 - 29:28
    or doing whatever in the thing
    and all of a sudden you say,
  • 29:28 - 29:31
    ''Ooh!'' Blam! The child falls out,
  • 29:31 - 29:34
    they cut the cord, tie it
    and the kid's there with the rice,
  • 29:34 - 29:38
    with the mother, you know.
    Natural childbirth.
  • 29:39 - 29:43
    lntellectuals go to class
  • 29:43 - 29:46
    to study how to do this.
  • 29:47 - 29:49
    My wife and l sat in class
  • 29:49 - 29:55
    to learn how to have natural childbirth.
  • 29:55 - 29:58
    And the first thing
    they teach you is that
  • 29:58 - 30:01
    you have to breathe properly, see?
  • 30:01 - 30:06
    So when you press down
    on the muscles, there's breathing:
  • 30:06 - 30:08
    (rapid breathing)
  • 30:11 - 30:13
    That's my wife's job. So she's there:
  • 30:13 - 30:15
    (rapid breathing)
  • 30:16 - 30:20
    And she was good.
    Now the father's job...
  • 30:20 - 30:23
    And the father must be there
    for these classes.
  • 30:23 - 30:26
    And they give the father a diploma also.
  • 30:27 - 30:31
    And if you don't get a diploma,
    you cannot come to the birth.
  • 30:31 - 30:34
    See? So my job
  • 30:34 - 30:38
    is to bend my wife in half
    and say ''Push!''
  • 30:40 - 30:43
    Now if l don't go to class,
    l don't get a diploma for this,
  • 30:44 - 30:46
    so l can't come to the birth.
  • 30:46 - 30:48
    So my wife is there:
    (rapid breathing)
  • 30:48 - 30:51
    And l'm there: ''Push.''
    And l'm the cheerleader:
  • 30:51 - 30:55
    ''Push him out, shove him out, way out!
  • 30:55 - 30:59
    Push him out, shove him out, way out!''
  • 31:00 - 31:03
    And my wife is a wonderful breather.
    (rapid breathing)
  • 31:03 - 31:06
    And we were the best in our class.
  • 31:06 - 31:09
    And l began to breathe
    with my wife, macho style.
  • 31:09 - 31:13
    (vigorous breathing) Push, push.
  • 31:13 - 31:16
    (vigorous breathing) Push, push.
  • 31:16 - 31:18
    (rapid breathing)
  • 31:19 - 31:23
    We went to parties
    and people asked us to breathe.
  • 31:25 - 31:27
    ''Ladies and gentlemen,
    the breathing Cosbys!''
  • 31:27 - 31:29
    (rapid breathing)
  • 31:29 - 31:32
    Push, push!
  • 31:32 - 31:36
    Natural childbirth.
    Natural childbirth means
  • 31:36 - 31:39
    no drugs will be administered
    into the female's body
  • 31:39 - 31:44
    during the delivery.
    The father can have all he wants.
  • 31:50 - 31:53
    On the ninth month,
    my wife called to me
  • 31:53 - 31:55
    from the balcony of our California home:
  • 31:55 - 31:58
    ''Bill!'' (rapid breathing)
  • 31:58 - 32:02
    l became excited. l said, ''Push!''
  • 32:02 - 32:07
    Then l remembered, we have to go
    to the hospital for the natural childbirth.
  • 32:07 - 32:10
    So l run into the car. l got a Ferrari.
  • 32:10 - 32:11
    (imitates engine)
  • 32:11 - 32:16
    l do 1 04 from the garage
    to the front door.
  • 32:16 - 32:18
    So my wife comes out.
    She gets in the car.
  • 32:18 - 32:20
    (imitates engine)
  • 32:20 - 32:25
    1 80, and we're breathing.
    (vigorous breathing) Push, push.
  • 32:25 - 32:27
    (rapid breathing)
  • 32:27 - 32:31
    And l'm in my Ferrari,
    man, $1 7,000 Ferrari,
  • 32:31 - 32:35
    and my wife says, ''Oh!''
    l say, ''No, dear, please, wait, not here.
  • 32:35 - 32:38
    No, not in the Ferrari, please.''
  • 32:38 - 32:40
    And l pull over. We go in the bushes,
  • 32:41 - 32:43
    we go in the bushes,
    but no, not in the car, dear.
  • 32:43 - 32:45
    She's ''Oh, Bill, can l...''
  • 32:45 - 32:49
    Hold everything. l'll get you there.
    (imitates engine)
  • 32:49 - 32:52
    So we pull up to the hospital.
    The Marx Brothers jump out:
  • 32:52 - 32:56
    ''Whoo! Ha! Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo!''
    Put my wife in a wheelchair.
  • 32:56 - 32:59
    Run her down to the delivery room.
    l signed her in, they put the hat on me,
  • 32:59 - 33:01
    the thing on backwards,
    booties on the shoes.
  • 33:01 - 33:03
    l run into the delivery room.
    They got my wife all prepped
  • 33:03 - 33:08
    and her legs way up in the stirrups...
    (rapid breathing)
  • 33:08 - 33:12
    And the doctor's sitting there
    like Johnny Bench.
  • 33:28 - 33:29
    Now,
  • 33:30 - 33:35
    the first real pain hit my wife.
  • 33:35 - 33:36
    Whoo!
  • 33:36 - 33:39
    And my wife said:
  • 33:39 - 33:41
    (inhales sharply)
  • 33:41 - 33:44
    And l said, ''Push?''
  • 33:46 - 33:51
    Carol Burnett described
    what labor pains feel like.
  • 33:51 - 33:56
    She said, ''Take your bottom lip
    and pull it over your head.''
  • 34:11 - 34:14
    The second pain hit: whoo!
  • 34:14 - 34:17
    My wife said: (screams)
  • 34:17 - 34:19
    and stood up...
  • 34:21 - 34:23
    in the stirrups.
  • 34:29 - 34:32
    Grabbed my bottom lip...
  • 34:39 - 34:43
    and said, ''l want morphine!''
  • 34:46 - 34:48
    l said, ''But dear...'' (vigorous breathing)
  • 34:48 - 34:51
    She said, ''You shut up!
  • 34:51 - 34:55
    You did this to me!''
  • 34:55 - 34:57
    And on the next contraction,
  • 34:57 - 35:01
    she told everybody in the delivery room
  • 35:02 - 35:05
    that my parents were never married.
  • 35:16 - 35:19
    Now we're back to breathing:
    (vigorous breathing)
  • 35:19 - 35:23
    and l'm sitting there, ''Push, push.''
  • 35:23 - 35:26
    My wife's getting tired.
    ''l don't wanna push anymore.
  • 35:26 - 35:28
    l don't wanna push.''
    No, you've got to push, dear.
  • 35:28 - 35:32
    Come on, dear, you've gotta.
    ''l don't wanna. Oh, no, no.
  • 35:32 - 35:34
    Tell them to give me something.''
    No, you can do it.
  • 35:34 - 35:38
    ''No, l don't wanna graduate from
    the class anymore. l just wanna--''
  • 35:38 - 35:41
    Please, come on, you can do it.
    l look in the rearview mirror
  • 35:41 - 35:46
    and l see the head. And Johnny Bench
    is still sitting there, like:
  • 35:47 - 35:50
    So l said, ''lsn't that the head?''
  • 35:50 - 35:54
    He said, ''Yeah.'' l said, ''Well, go get it.''
  • 36:02 - 36:04
    He said, ''lt's stuck.''
  • 36:06 - 36:09
    l said, ''Well, get
    the salad spoons, man!''
  • 36:15 - 36:19
    So... So he gets the salad spoons
  • 36:20 - 36:24
    and the baby comes out.
    (makes spurting sound)
  • 36:24 - 36:28
    Now this is the greatest moment...
  • 36:28 - 36:30
    (woman laughing)
  • 36:33 - 36:35
    in our lives.
  • 36:35 - 36:39
    This is what we asked God for.
  • 36:39 - 36:45
    This is what we wanted
    to see if we could make.
  • 36:45 - 36:48
    And l look at it.
  • 36:57 - 37:00
    And they started to clean it off.
  • 37:00 - 37:03
    And it wasn't getting any better.
  • 37:13 - 37:16
    And l went over to my wife
  • 37:17 - 37:21
    and l kissed her
    ever so gently on the lips
  • 37:21 - 37:27
    and l said, ''Darling,
    l love you very, very much.
  • 37:27 - 37:31
    You just had a lizard.''
  • 37:42 - 37:46
    Because the thing
    changed colors three times.
  • 37:48 - 37:52
    And the neck and head
    wouldn't work, it just kept:
  • 37:56 - 38:00
    And l said to the doctor,
    ''Can you put this back?
  • 38:01 - 38:05
    '''Cause it isn't done yet. lt needs to cook
  • 38:05 - 38:08
    another three months maybe.''
  • 38:08 - 38:11
    But the hospital made us take it home.
  • 38:17 - 38:21
    My mother looked at it and said,
    ''Oh, how precious.''
  • 38:26 - 38:29
    l don't know why she said it.
  • 38:29 - 38:33
    Well, l didn't know then. l know now.
  • 38:33 - 38:36
    Because my mother put a curse on me.
  • 38:36 - 38:40
    A long time ago, l remember
    when l was a child what she said,
  • 38:41 - 38:44
    and l've later found out
    that mothers, all mothers,
  • 38:44 - 38:47
    put a curse on their children.
  • 38:47 - 38:52
    And they say, ''l hope when you
    get married, you have some children
  • 38:52 - 38:58
    who act exactly the same way
    that you act.''
  • 38:59 - 39:01
    And this curse works!
  • 39:04 - 39:07
    l mean, it started with that child.
  • 39:08 - 39:13
    My wife and l have not
    been intellectuals since.
  • 39:14 - 39:17
    Oh, my wife was pretty good for a while.
  • 39:18 - 39:20
    But it didn't last that long.
  • 39:20 - 39:23
    lt didn't last two years.
  • 39:23 - 39:26
    My father, he was so happy.
  • 39:26 - 39:31
    See, l had a daughter
    and l'd wanted a son
  • 39:31 - 39:35
    and l'd bragged that
    l was going to bring a son.
  • 39:35 - 39:40
    My father and my mother
    had four boys, so why not?
  • 39:41 - 39:45
    l'm a Cosby. Son.
  • 39:45 - 39:48
    l want a son who carries the ball for me.
  • 39:49 - 39:52
    Play football, basketball,
    run track. My boy.
  • 39:53 - 39:55
    l'd sit in the stands. ''That your son?''
  • 39:55 - 40:00
    Yes, that's my boy.
    See the boy running the touchdown
  • 40:00 - 40:03
    with the name Cosby on the back?
    That's my son.
  • 40:03 - 40:06
    l would've done it myself
    but l'm too old now.
  • 40:06 - 40:10
    So l gave him the business. He's
    just in charge of running touchdowns.
  • 40:11 - 40:15
    You know? Go to the dinners.
    ''And the athlete of the year, little Cosby.
  • 40:15 - 40:20
    And there's his father, big Cosby.''
    Thank you, thank you, thank you.
  • 40:22 - 40:27
    And l don't mind. l've... You know,
    l realize that with great athletes,
  • 40:27 - 40:31
    you know, it's a different thing.
    Father, you grab the boy
  • 40:31 - 40:34
    when he's like this, see.
    You say, ''Come here, boy.''
  • 40:34 - 40:37
    Two years old. You say, ''Get down,
    Dad'll show you how to do it.
  • 40:37 - 40:39
    Now you come at me.
    Run through me.'' Boom!
  • 40:39 - 40:42
    There. See? Get back up, get back up.
  • 40:42 - 40:46
    See? You didn't do it right.
    Now, come at me. Boom! See, now...
  • 40:46 - 40:48
    You teach 'em, see? You say,
    ''Now, go, attack that tree. Bite it!''
  • 40:49 - 40:52
    (imitates biting noise)
    '' Come on back, bite it again.''
  • 40:52 - 40:54
    (imitates biting noise)
  • 40:54 - 40:56
    You teach 'em all that. Tackle me, bam!
  • 40:56 - 41:00
    And then soon he's bigger
    and he's stronger and he can hit you,
  • 41:00 - 41:02
    you don't want him to hit you anymore,
    you say, ''All right, son,''
  • 41:02 - 41:05
    turn him loose on the high school,
    he runs up and down the field.
  • 41:05 - 41:07
    High school! Touchdown.
    He's 800 touchdowns per game,
  • 41:07 - 41:10
    you say, ''Yes, that's my son,''
    and he goes to the big college,
  • 41:10 - 41:13
    playing for a big school,
    three million students
  • 41:13 - 41:17
    and 800,000 people in the stands:
    (imitates cheering)
  • 41:17 - 41:19
    National TV, and he catches the ball
  • 41:19 - 41:21
    and he doesn't bother
    to get out of the way,
  • 41:21 - 41:24
    he just runs over everybody,
    (imitates rushing sound)
  • 41:24 - 41:26
    for a TD and turn around
    and the camera's on him
  • 41:26 - 41:29
    and you're looking
    and he says, ''Hi, Mom.''
  • 41:33 - 41:38
    Well, you don't mind that.
    You know who taught him.
  • 41:40 - 41:44
    But God has a sense of humor
  • 41:44 - 41:49
    and God said, ''Let him have a girl.''
  • 41:50 - 41:53
    (imitates plopping sound) Came out.
  • 41:53 - 41:56
    And l had my child there,
  • 41:57 - 41:59
    firstborn, at home,
  • 41:59 - 42:02
    and it does something to you
    when you become a father.
  • 42:02 - 42:05
    You're home, you know, really home.
  • 42:05 - 42:11
    And the baby was dirty,
    she'd made a little poo-poo.
  • 42:16 - 42:19
    My wife and l were so happy
    when the child made the poo-poo.
  • 42:20 - 42:24
    We asked the child, (in silly voice) ''Are
    you the one that made the poo-poo?
  • 42:24 - 42:27
    Come on, you made the poo-poo.
    You can poopy (baby talk) ''
  • 42:27 - 42:30
    And the baby say:
  • 42:30 - 42:32
    l said, ''That's right, you
    want to make the poo-poo,
  • 42:32 - 42:35
    you poo-poo when
    you want to poo-poo.''
  • 42:38 - 42:42
    And my wife and l were so happy,
    we showed it to each other.
  • 42:42 - 42:47
    (in silly voice) Did you see the poo-poo?
    Oh, that's a pretty poo-poo.
  • 42:47 - 42:51
    (in normal voice) We called our parents
    up, ''Come over, see the poo-poo.''
  • 42:51 - 42:56
    And they came over. ''Oh, my God,
    will you look at the poo-poo?''
  • 43:01 - 43:03
    Two months later,
  • 43:03 - 43:07
    God put odor in the poo-poo.
  • 43:14 - 43:16
    And it became a mess.
  • 43:18 - 43:20
    Parents didn't want to
    change the child anymore.
  • 43:21 - 43:25
    And they talked to the child:
    ''Will you look at what you just did?
  • 43:26 - 43:31
    ''No, l don't want to see that.
    You made a mess, yucky, icky.
  • 43:31 - 43:33
    Messy!''
  • 43:34 - 43:39
    But as l said before, l was
    there changing my daughter,
  • 43:39 - 43:43
    and my father stood over my shoulder,
    put his head over my shoulder
  • 43:43 - 43:47
    and he said,
    ''What have you got there, son?''
  • 43:47 - 43:49
    l said, ''lt's a baby.''
  • 43:50 - 43:56
    He said, ''Oh, it looks to me like
    you didn't put the stem on the apple.''
  • 44:07 - 44:10
    So l said, ''Yeah, Dad, you're right.''
  • 44:10 - 44:13
    (tsks) ''Shame.''
  • 44:14 - 44:18
    l said, ''Yeah.'' He said,
    ''Well, you still got another chance.''
  • 44:18 - 44:21
    l said, ''l have a lot of chances.
    Camille's young and l'm young.''
  • 44:21 - 44:25
    He said, ''No, l'm not talking about that.
    l'm talking about this child right here.''
  • 44:25 - 44:30
    l said, ''What are you talking about?''
    He said, ''Well, grab hold of her nose
  • 44:30 - 44:33
    and blow real hard in her mouth.''
  • 44:45 - 44:51
    Now, as ridiculous as
    some things may sound,
  • 44:52 - 44:55
    there comes a time of desperation,
  • 44:56 - 44:58
    when no one's looking,
  • 44:59 - 45:03
    that you will give the ridiculous a try.
  • 45:04 - 45:09
    Needless to say, l'm happy to
    announce that she's still a daughter.
  • 45:11 - 45:14
    l had trouble putting her eyes back in...
  • 45:20 - 45:23
    before my wife came into the room.
  • 45:23 - 45:26
    ''How did her eyes get out?''
    l don't know, dear, they just...
  • 45:34 - 45:39
    l'm happy to announce also
    that girls are much cleaner,
  • 45:41 - 45:43
    they're much easier to deal with
  • 45:43 - 45:47
    in terms of maturity
    and what's expected of them.
  • 45:48 - 45:51
    l have a son. He's 1 1 years old now,
  • 45:51 - 45:54
    and l will tell you that
  • 45:54 - 46:00
    l don't think that the boy
    is going to live much longer.
  • 46:06 - 46:07
    Now,
  • 46:07 - 46:12
    it is not l, nor my wife,
  • 46:12 - 46:16
    who are going to destroy this boy.
  • 46:17 - 46:21
    He has four sisters,
    two in front and two in back.
  • 46:22 - 46:27
    They have had a meeting about him.
  • 46:29 - 46:33
    And l listened to the meeting-
    they didn't know.
  • 46:33 - 46:37
    And even the four-year-old was hostile.
  • 46:38 - 46:40
    They're going to kill him.
  • 46:43 - 46:49
    l didn't know
    how serious it is to a female
  • 46:49 - 46:51
    that you lift the lid.
  • 46:57 - 47:02
    But these women are serious
    about killing him
  • 47:02 - 47:06
    the next time he leaves that lid down.
  • 47:09 - 47:14
    See, the only problem l have
    with him is he won't zip up his fly.
  • 47:14 - 47:18
    That bothers me. You know, it's almost
    a sign of someone who's not intelligent.
  • 47:18 - 47:23
    You walk around with your fly open.
    You say, ''Son, zipper.'' ''Oh, yes.'' Zip.
  • 47:23 - 47:26
    But that didn't bother me. Once
    l went to pick him up at school
  • 47:27 - 47:31
    and his class let out
    and there's about 1 8 1 1 -year-olds,
  • 47:31 - 47:35
    and l mean, all of them,
    they had their fly down.
  • 47:36 - 47:38
    So l didn't worry about my son.
  • 47:38 - 47:41
    Must be some class thing, you know.
  • 47:46 - 47:48
    But, as l said before,
  • 47:48 - 47:53
    we found out an awful lot
    about God and his sense of humor.
  • 47:53 - 47:57
    The mother's curse works.
    My wife and l have five children
  • 47:57 - 47:59
    and the reason why
    we have five children
  • 48:00 - 48:03
    is because we do not want six.
  • 48:09 - 48:14
    And those we have,
    we want to get out of the house
  • 48:14 - 48:16
    before we die.
  • 48:17 - 48:19
    Just to get them out.
  • 48:21 - 48:26
    My wife was a beautiful woman
  • 48:26 - 48:28
    before the children came.
  • 48:28 - 48:32
    l've never met a more
    beautiful-looking woman,
  • 48:33 - 48:37
    in the face, in the body
    and in the mind, than my wife.
  • 48:37 - 48:39
    Then the children came
  • 48:39 - 48:45
    and that curse began to take its toll.
  • 48:47 - 48:50
    My wife's face began to change.
  • 48:50 - 48:54
    The corners of her mouth
    dropped down,
  • 48:54 - 48:58
    and when she talked,
    her eyebrows went up and down
  • 48:58 - 49:01
    and her right hand became deformed.
  • 49:01 - 49:04
    When she talked,
    she shook her finger like this:
  • 49:04 - 49:07
    (indistinct scolding)
  • 49:09 - 49:13
    That's what the curse did to her.
    But the reason why the curse works
  • 49:13 - 49:18
    is because all children
    have brain damage.
  • 49:19 - 49:22
    And that's what makes
    the parent's face look like that.
  • 49:22 - 49:25
    Now, those of you who have
    no children, let me describe
  • 49:25 - 49:28
    the brain damage. You come
    in the room with a Coca Cola,
  • 49:28 - 49:31
    you set it down,
    you go to get a newspaper.
  • 49:31 - 49:34
    Child comes walking in,
    grabs the drink, starts to...
  • 49:34 - 49:38
    You say, ''Give me that.
    Didn't l just tell you not to drink it?''
  • 49:38 - 49:42
    The child says, ''Uh-huh.''
    You say, ''What did l just say?''
  • 49:42 - 49:46
    (imitating child) ''You said
    for to not for to drink your drink.''
  • 49:46 - 49:48
    So every time l tell you that,
    don't l? l say,
  • 49:48 - 49:51
    ''When l have a drink, don't you drink it.
    Don't l say that?''
  • 49:51 - 49:54
    ''Uh-huh.'' Now tell me what l said.
  • 49:54 - 49:57
    (imitating child) ''You said
    for to not for to drink your drink.''
  • 49:57 - 50:00
    That's right!
  • 50:00 - 50:04
    So you put it down, you go to get
    the paper, the child picks it up again.
  • 50:04 - 50:06
    And quickly starts to drink it.
  • 50:06 - 50:09
    You say, ''Give me that!
    Didn't l just tell you?''
  • 50:10 - 50:12
    ''Uh-huh.''
  • 50:12 - 50:16
    Well, why did you do it? ''l don't know.''
  • 50:16 - 50:19
    Well, that's brain damage!
  • 50:20 - 50:23
    lf you know you're not supposed
    to do something and you do it
  • 50:23 - 50:27
    and then people say, ''Why did you
    do it?'' and you say, ''l don't know.''
  • 50:27 - 50:29
    Brain damage.
  • 50:29 - 50:32
    And that's what parents
    have to deal with all day.
  • 50:32 - 50:37
    That's all you see, people,
    ''l don't know, l don't know, l don't know.''
  • 50:37 - 50:40
    You get two people in the house
    and they start to yell,
  • 50:41 - 50:45
    ''Will you stop touching me?
    Will you stop touching me?''
  • 50:45 - 50:48
    And you have to get up
    and go find out what's going on.
  • 50:48 - 50:53
    So you run over and you say, ''What's
    going on?'' ''Well, she's touching me.''
  • 50:54 - 50:58
    So you figure you can solve it.
    ''Look, don't touch her anymore, OK?''
  • 50:58 - 51:03
    ''Yeah, but she touched me first.''
    You say, ''Well, why didn't you tell her--''
  • 51:03 - 51:06
    Now you're talking like them. ''Why
    didn't you say you touched her first?''
  • 51:07 - 51:10
    ''l didn't touch her.''
    Somebody touched her!
  • 51:10 - 51:14
    So you say something brilliant, like,
    ''Look, l don't want anybody in this house
  • 51:14 - 51:17
    to touch another person
    as long as you live.''
  • 51:19 - 51:22
    And that's why people
    look the way they look.
  • 51:25 - 51:27
    My parents never smiled,
  • 51:27 - 51:30
    because l had brain damage.
  • 51:32 - 51:36
    My wife and l don't smile
    because our children are loaded with it.
  • 51:38 - 51:41
    Oh, my parents smile now,
  • 51:41 - 51:45
    whenever they come over to my house
  • 51:45 - 51:48
    and they see how much
    trouble l'm having.
  • 51:48 - 51:50
    Oh, they have a ball.
  • 51:51 - 51:54
    ''Having a little trouble, huh, son?''
  • 51:59 - 52:03
    l mean, l never thought that l
    would sound like other parents,
  • 52:03 - 52:06
    people l've heard
    who are ridiculous-sounding,
  • 52:07 - 52:10
    or were, before l had children.
  • 52:11 - 52:14
    l mean, you call a child, you
    say, ''Come here, come here.''
  • 52:14 - 52:17
    No, they don't hear that. They're gone.
  • 52:17 - 52:19
    You say, ''Come here.'' They're just:
  • 52:21 - 52:25
    So you have to send
    a barrage of ''here''s after them.
  • 52:25 - 52:27
    ''Come here, come here,
    come here, come here,
  • 52:27 - 52:29
    come here! Here!''
  • 52:35 - 52:39
    Sound like a tobacco auctioneer.
  • 52:40 - 52:44
    (rapidly) Sit down, sit down,
    sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit!
  • 52:48 - 52:52
    No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
    no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
  • 52:53 - 52:56
    Here, here, here. Here!
  • 52:58 - 52:59
    Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it,
  • 53:00 - 53:02
    stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it!
  • 53:10 - 53:15
    l used to think that
    my father was an idiot
  • 53:16 - 53:21
    because the man could not
    complete a full sentence.
  • 53:21 - 53:26
    l now understand
    why he sounded that way.
  • 53:26 - 53:29
    See, when you're a father,
    you censor yourself.
  • 53:29 - 53:32
    You try not to curse.
    You get just as angry with a child
  • 53:32 - 53:36
    and you don't want to say
    ''What the filth and l'll bust your filth
  • 53:36 - 53:41
    ''and foul and l'll filth your face
    and yeah, you filthin' foul foul filth
  • 53:41 - 53:45
    and l'll filth in your foul filth.''
    You don't want to say that to a child
  • 53:45 - 53:49
    so you censor yourself
    and you sound like an idiot.
  • 53:49 - 53:51
    Say, what the...
  • 53:51 - 53:53
    Get your...
  • 53:54 - 53:56
    l'll put a...
  • 53:57 - 53:59
    Get out of my face!
  • 54:11 - 54:13
    So you... my wife...
  • 54:15 - 54:17
    See, mothers look like this.
  • 54:18 - 54:21
    Fathers have a different look.
    Theirs is like:
  • 54:28 - 54:33
    And fathers always say the same
    thing: ''Where's your mother?''
  • 54:46 - 54:51
    l flew from Hartford, Connecticut
    to Las Vegas
  • 54:51 - 54:54
    just within the last...
  • 54:54 - 54:56
    few years.
  • 55:00 - 55:04
    l will never forget a mother,
  • 55:04 - 55:06
    aged 30 through...
  • 55:08 - 55:13
    Got on the plane.
    Very attractive-looking woman,
  • 55:13 - 55:15
    well-built, lovely face,
  • 55:16 - 55:20
    hair put up in a bun, sprayed heavily.
  • 55:22 - 55:26
    Earrings, looking very
    upper-middle income.
  • 55:26 - 55:29
    Gold on the fingers.
  • 55:29 - 55:33
    And she had with her little Jeffrey.
  • 55:35 - 55:40
    Jeffrey's (imitating child) four years old.
    (in normal voice) l know that because
  • 55:40 - 55:43
    Jeffrey kept walking around the plane,
  • 55:43 - 55:47
    just anybody, he'd say,
    ''l'm four years old.
  • 55:47 - 55:49
    ''l'm four-l'm four years old.
  • 55:49 - 55:54
    l was three, but now l'm four years old.''
  • 55:54 - 55:56
    Little Jeffrey.
  • 55:56 - 56:00
    l remember his name, not because
    he said to me, ''l'm four years old,''
  • 56:01 - 56:05
    but because Jeffrey's mother
    said his name
  • 56:05 - 56:09
    all 2,500 miles of the trip.
  • 56:12 - 56:16
    Nobody on first class could
    sleep because the woman,
  • 56:16 - 56:18
    ''Jeffrey, will you get down.
  • 56:18 - 56:21
    ''Jeffrey, don't do that,
    Jeffrey, come over here.
  • 56:21 - 56:23
    ''Look at what you've done,
    Jeffrey, you've kicked the...
  • 56:23 - 56:25
    ''Jeffrey, will you please...
    Jeffrey, put your jacket...
  • 56:26 - 56:27
    Don't do that, Jeffrey...''
  • 56:27 - 56:30
    Jeffrey would stand up in the chair
    and look at the little man behind.
  • 56:31 - 56:33
    ''l'm four years old.''
  • 56:33 - 56:37
    Nobody could sleep 'cause Jeffrey's up.
    He'd get out, she'd let him run around.
  • 56:38 - 56:40
    He'd run around with chocolate
    on his hands, put it on your trousers.
  • 56:41 - 56:42
    ''l'm four years old.''
  • 56:42 - 56:44
    ''Jeffrey, don't you see
    what you've done to the man,
  • 56:44 - 56:48
    Jeffrey, go to... Sit down, Jeffrey.''
    She'd sit him down, higher and higher.
  • 56:48 - 56:51
    She'd lift him and hold him
    and let him drop. Boom!
  • 56:51 - 56:55
    ''Jeffrey, Jeffrey,'' and Jeffrey would
    (imitates crying)
  • 56:55 - 56:56
    ''Jeffrey, be quiet.''
  • 56:56 - 56:57
    (imitates crying)
  • 56:57 - 57:01
    And then Jeffrey would cough.
    (imitates coughing)
  • 57:02 - 57:05
    People began to hate Jeffrey.
  • 57:06 - 57:09
    One gentlemen invited Jeffrey
    into the men's room
  • 57:09 - 57:12
    to play with the blue water.
  • 57:18 - 57:23
    Emotionally,
    people began to fear Jeffrey,
  • 57:23 - 57:25
    and nobody slept.
  • 57:27 - 57:31
    Five minutes before the plane landed,
  • 57:31 - 57:34
    Jeffrey fell asleep.
  • 57:37 - 57:41
    And grown people in first class
    took great delight,
  • 57:42 - 57:44
    as they walked out,
  • 57:44 - 57:49
    in waking Jeffrey up. ''Goodbye, Jeffrey!''
  • 57:49 - 57:51
    (imitates crying)
  • 57:51 - 57:54
    And they'd laugh. (maniacal laughing)
  • 57:54 - 57:59
    Sounding like Renfield.
    (maniacal laughing)
  • 58:03 - 58:05
    And Jeffrey's mother,
  • 58:05 - 58:08
    hair mangled
  • 58:08 - 58:13
    and just hanging by
    the ball that was sprayed,
  • 58:14 - 58:17
    and the mascara had run
  • 58:17 - 58:21
    and the lines caused by her anger
  • 58:21 - 58:24
    gone deeper into her face.
  • 58:24 - 58:25
    She looked much older,
  • 58:25 - 58:27
    She looked much older,
  • 58:27 - 58:29
    and she looked tired.
  • 58:30 - 58:32
    She picked Jeffrey up.
  • 58:32 - 58:37
    Jeffrey's little limp,
    sleeping body twitched.
  • 58:38 - 58:40
    She carried him off.
  • 58:40 - 58:44
    There at the end of the runway,
    at the end of the ramp, rather,
  • 58:44 - 58:48
    was Jeffrey's father,
    smiling, well-tanned,
  • 58:48 - 58:52
    little red, white and blue
    checkered golf pants on,
  • 58:53 - 58:55
    short-sleeved shirt.
  • 58:55 - 59:00
    And Jeffrey's mother
    handed Jeffrey to the father
  • 59:00 - 59:03
    and punched him dead in the face.
  • 59:13 - 59:15
    We don't know why.
  • 59:17 - 59:19
    Jeffrey's such a lovely child.
  • 59:22 - 59:24
    But you see, they're brain damaged.
  • 59:26 - 59:30
    Children doing things:
    ''Will you stop touching me?''
  • 59:30 - 59:35
    Psychologists write about
    a two-year-old child.
  • 59:35 - 59:39
    lt's not a two-year-old child
    that says ''no'' that bothers me.
  • 59:39 - 59:42
    lf l can't control that,
    l might as well give it up.
  • 59:43 - 59:47
    You say to a kid, ''Come here,''
    they say, ''No, you go get it,'' that's yes.
  • 59:50 - 59:54
    People don't understand children,
    especially people who have no children.
  • 59:55 - 59:58
    A person with no children says,
    ''Well, l just love children.''
  • 59:59 - 60:01
    You say, ''Why?''
  • 60:02 - 60:05
    And they say,
    ''Because the child is so truthful.
  • 60:05 - 60:09
    Children are truthful, that's what
    l love about them, they say the truth.''
  • 60:09 - 60:12
    That's a lie!
  • 60:12 - 60:14
    l got five of them.
  • 60:14 - 60:18
    The only time they tell the truth
    is if they're having pain.
  • 60:21 - 60:26
    You get a 1 5-month-old child,
    knows when to lie.
  • 60:27 - 60:32
    You see, the child crawls into
    the cupboard to get its favorite cookie.
  • 60:33 - 60:35
    1 5-month-old child
    knows where the cupboard is,
  • 60:36 - 60:39
    knows where its favorite cookie is,
    and it will open it up
  • 60:39 - 60:41
    and sit down and take the cookie
    and you go over.
  • 60:41 - 60:45
    You try to get the cookie from the child,
    which is also a contest.
  • 60:45 - 60:49
    ''Here, let me have it.'' l've tried to
    take things away from grown people,
  • 60:50 - 60:53
    l've never had them say, ''Will you
    let me have... Give me that thing.
  • 60:53 - 60:57
    Here, let me have...
    l tell you, let me have that thing.''
  • 60:57 - 61:02
    But here, a 1 5-month-old child
    is able to do this and l can't grab it.
  • 61:03 - 61:06
    ''Here, will you let me have,
    will you give that thing to me?''
  • 61:09 - 61:13
    So l take the cookie. And l take the box
  • 61:13 - 61:17
    and l put the cookie in the box
    and l say, ''You can't have this.
  • 61:17 - 61:21
    You understand? l don't
    want you to have the cookie.''
  • 61:21 - 61:22
    Now...
  • 61:26 - 61:30
    And l put it way up here.
  • 61:30 - 61:34
    Now, this 1 5-month-old child,
    after l've left the room,
  • 61:34 - 61:36
    begins to build
  • 61:38 - 61:41
    a very sophisticated ladder,
  • 61:42 - 61:45
    climbs up the ladder,
  • 61:50 - 61:54
    and begins to try to get the cookie.
  • 61:55 - 61:59
    Now, you can hear the paper
    rustling and that's in your favor
  • 62:00 - 62:05
    because a 1 5-month-old child
    doesn't know that sound travels.
  • 62:08 - 62:12
    They're also not bright enough
    to hire a lookout.
  • 62:13 - 62:17
    So you hear the paper rattling
    and you run
  • 62:17 - 62:22
    and there's the child
    standing there with the cookie.
  • 62:22 - 62:24
    So you say, ''What are you doing?''
  • 62:25 - 62:29
    Now, this honest child
    looks at you and says,
  • 62:29 - 62:33
    (imitating child) ''l was
    getting a cookie for you.''
  • 62:39 - 62:41
    So you say, ''l don't want a cookie!''
  • 62:41 - 62:45
    So then they say, ''Well, can l have it?''
  • 62:46 - 62:49
    Don't tell me about the truth!
  • 62:54 - 62:56
    Why did you do it? ''l don't know.''
  • 63:00 - 63:03
    l came home
    from playing tennis one day,
  • 63:03 - 63:08
    my wife sitting at the end of the table,
  • 63:09 - 63:11
    like this:
  • 63:13 - 63:19
    So l said, ''Uh-oh.
    Somebody's in trouble.''
  • 63:19 - 63:21
    And l was concerned about myself.
  • 63:26 - 63:29
    l'm not the boss of my house.
  • 63:29 - 63:32
    l don't know how l lost it.
  • 63:33 - 63:36
    l don't know where l lost it.
  • 63:36 - 63:39
    l don't think l ever had it.
  • 63:41 - 63:46
    But l've seen the boss's job
    and l don't want it.
  • 63:48 - 63:52
    'Cause that's a rough job,
    dealing with those people all day.
  • 63:52 - 63:56
    l mean, just dealing with them
    for an hour is a mess.
  • 63:57 - 63:59
    (imitating child) ''l don't know.''
  • 64:01 - 64:04
    But you see, l'm a father,
  • 64:04 - 64:09
    and fathers are
    the geniuses of the house.
  • 64:09 - 64:13
    We're the geniuses of the house
    because only a person
  • 64:13 - 64:17
    as intelligent as we
  • 64:17 - 64:20
    could fake such stupidity.
  • 64:25 - 64:27
    Think about your father.
  • 64:27 - 64:32
    He doesn't know where anything is.
    You ask him to do something,
  • 64:32 - 64:35
    he messes it up
    and your mother sends you down.
  • 64:36 - 64:38
    ''Will you go down
    and see what your father's doing
  • 64:38 - 64:41
    before he blows the house up, please.''
  • 64:41 - 64:44
    That's a genius at work!
  • 64:44 - 64:47
    Because he doesn't want to do it
  • 64:47 - 64:52
    and he knows someone will be
    coming soon to stop him from doing it.
  • 65:00 - 65:04
    My wife woke me up
    4:00 in the morning.
  • 65:04 - 65:09
    She said, ''l want you to go downstairs
  • 65:10 - 65:15
    and cook breakfast for the children.''
  • 65:16 - 65:20
    And l looked at the clock.
  • 65:21 - 65:24
    l said, ''Dear, it's 6:00 in the morning.''
  • 65:24 - 65:28
    She said, ''Exactly. Go down
    and cook for the children.
  • 65:28 - 65:30
    They have to go to school.''
  • 65:31 - 65:35
    l said, ''Yes, but to eat at 6:00,
  • 65:35 - 65:39
    ''isn't that bad for your stomach?
  • 65:39 - 65:42
    l mean, they just ate 1 2 hours ago.''
  • 65:43 - 65:47
    My wife said, ''Bill, get out of that bed
  • 65:49 - 65:51
    ''and go downstairs
  • 65:51 - 65:55
    and cook breakfast for your children.''
  • 65:58 - 66:02
    And l said, ''Well, l don't know
    what they want to eat.''
  • 66:02 - 66:05
    She said, ''lt's down there.
  • 66:06 - 66:10
    Now you get out of the bed!''
  • 66:11 - 66:14
    l said, ''But where are the pans?
  • 66:14 - 66:17
    Do we have pans to cook with?''
  • 66:18 - 66:23
    She said, ''Bill, l'm not
    talking to you anymore.
  • 66:23 - 66:27
    ''You ask another stupid
    question, so help me God,
  • 66:27 - 66:33
    l'll get the shotgun out of the closet
    and blow your face off!''
  • 66:34 - 66:39
    So l said, ''Well, there's no need
    to become violent about this.
  • 66:41 - 66:44
    ''You seem to be
    having trouble intellectualizing
  • 66:44 - 66:48
    on where the cooking apparel is.''
  • 66:51 - 66:54
    So l fell back to sleep again.
  • 66:56 - 66:59
    The next thing l knew,
  • 66:59 - 67:02
    there was a bucket of ice water
  • 67:03 - 67:06
    being shaken over my head,
  • 67:07 - 67:12
    and this woman that l've been
    married to for some 1 7 years
  • 67:12 - 67:15
    was standing over me, like this:
  • 67:17 - 67:21
    ''Now you get up
    and cook some breakfast
  • 67:21 - 67:25
    or you're gonna wear
    this bucket of ice water!''
  • 67:27 - 67:30
    So l said, ''You're serious, aren't you?''
  • 67:36 - 67:38
    So l got up.
  • 67:38 - 67:41
    Needless to say, l was angry.
  • 67:43 - 67:47
    And l went downstairs
    without putting on my robe.
  • 67:47 - 67:51
    Standing there in my pajamas
    and l'm talking to myself.
  • 67:51 - 67:54
    l said, ''Get these, go down
    and cook breakfast,
  • 67:54 - 67:58
    but it's 6:00 in the morning,''
    and l slam the pans down.
  • 67:58 - 68:00
    Blam! On the stove.
  • 68:00 - 68:04
    And l slam 'em down
    and go to the refrigerator
  • 68:04 - 68:08
    and l look around and l get to
    the damn bacon, and the sausage!
  • 68:08 - 68:12
    Cooking breakfast, 6 o'blam
    in the morning and l grab the--
  • 68:13 - 68:16
    You have to be careful with eggs.
  • 68:21 - 68:25
    God! l have to cook breakfast. Boom!
  • 68:27 - 68:30
    l turn around.
  • 68:31 - 68:35
    The first one down
    was the four-year-old.
  • 68:35 - 68:39
    The child looked lovely,
    cute little face clean,
  • 68:39 - 68:44
    hair in little braids,
    little things, you know.
  • 68:46 - 68:49
    (imitating child) ''Good morn', Daddy.''
  • 68:49 - 68:52
    And l said, ''What do you
    want for breakfast?!''
  • 68:53 - 68:57
    And the four-year-old
    has the ability to see through
  • 68:57 - 69:00
    and find the wrong thing.
  • 69:02 - 69:08
    And the child saw through
    my body what was behind me.
  • 69:08 - 69:11
    She saw the chocolate cake.
    And she said,
  • 69:11 - 69:17
    ''Can l have the chocolate cake?''
    And l said, ''Chocolate cake? Where?''
  • 69:17 - 69:20
    She said, ''Chocolate cake behind you.''
  • 69:20 - 69:24
    And l looked
    and there was chocolate cake.
  • 69:24 - 69:29
    The child wanted chocolate cake
    for breakfast.
  • 69:29 - 69:31
    How ridiculous. And l said...
  • 69:31 - 69:33
    How ridiculous. And l said...
  • 69:33 - 69:37
    and someone in my brain looked
    under ''chocolate cake''
  • 69:37 - 69:41
    and saw the ingredients: eggs!
  • 69:41 - 69:45
    Eggs are in chocolate cake!
  • 69:45 - 69:47
    And milk!
  • 69:47 - 69:49
    Oh, goody!
  • 69:49 - 69:52
    And wheat!
  • 69:52 - 69:55
    That's nutrition. What do you want?
  • 69:56 - 69:59
    - ''Can l have some chocolate cake?''
    - Chocolate cake, coming up!
  • 69:59 - 70:00
    (imitates slicing)
  • 70:00 - 70:03
    Sliced it for her and served it.
  • 70:04 - 70:06
    Now, you need something to
    drink with the chocolate cake,
  • 70:07 - 70:09
    something breakfast.
  • 70:09 - 70:13
    - Grapefruit juice!
    - (woman in audience) No-o-o!
  • 70:14 - 70:17
    This is not your child!
  • 70:21 - 70:24
    So l give the child
    a glass of grapefruit juice
  • 70:25 - 70:28
    and chocolate cake. Nutrition!
  • 70:28 - 70:33
    Eggs, milk and wheat
    in the chocolate cake,
  • 70:33 - 70:37
    and l didn't have to cook.
  • 70:37 - 70:40
    And the other four came downstairs
  • 70:40 - 70:44
    and when they came downstairs,
    those of you who have children,
  • 70:44 - 70:49
    you've seen them
    come downstairs for school:
  • 70:49 - 70:52
    (imitating sluggish children)
  • 70:58 - 71:02
    And they got to the kitchen:
    (imitating sluggish children)
  • 71:05 - 71:10
    and they saw the four-year-old
    eating chocolate cake.
  • 71:12 - 71:17
    And they said ''Dad!
  • 71:18 - 71:20
    Where did she get the chocolate cake?''
  • 71:21 - 71:24
    They went to the child and said,
    ''How did you get chocolate cake?''
  • 71:24 - 71:28
    She said,
    ''Dad gave me chocolate cake.''
  • 71:28 - 71:31
    And they looked at me and they said...
  • 71:32 - 71:33
    (in pleading voice) ''Father...
  • 71:38 - 71:41
    could we have chocolate cake?''
  • 71:42 - 71:47
    And their father said, ''Chocolate cake
    coming up! Four slices.''
  • 71:47 - 71:49
    (imitates slicing sound)
  • 71:51 - 71:53
    And grapefruit juice.
  • 71:53 - 71:57
    And five children sat at breakfast.
  • 71:58 - 72:02
    And the morning music was playing:
    (imitates bass guitar)
  • 72:02 - 72:05
    And they were eating chocolate cake.
  • 72:07 - 72:09
    And singing songs to me:
  • 72:09 - 72:12
    d Dad is great!
  • 72:14 - 72:17
    d Gave us the chocolate cake!
  • 72:20 - 72:24
    And we had a ball, until...
  • 72:36 - 72:39
    She came down like this:
  • 72:42 - 72:47
    And when she saw
    what the children were eating...
  • 72:48 - 72:54
    l've always heard about
    people having a conniption,
  • 72:56 - 72:58
    but l'd never seen one.
  • 72:59 - 73:02
    You don't want to see 'em.
  • 73:02 - 73:04
    My wife's face...
  • 73:06 - 73:08
    split.
  • 73:10 - 73:15
    The skin and hair split
    and came off of her face
  • 73:15 - 73:19
    so that there was nothing
    except the skull
  • 73:19 - 73:23
    and orange light came out of her hair
  • 73:24 - 73:26
    and it lit all around
  • 73:26 - 73:30
    and fire shot from her eye sockets
  • 73:30 - 73:34
    and began to burn my stomach
    and she said
  • 73:34 - 73:40
    (in screechy voice) ''Where did
    they get chocolate cake from?!''
  • 73:40 - 73:43
    And l said, ''They asked for it!''
  • 73:43 - 73:49
    And the children who had
    been singing praises to me
  • 73:49 - 73:52
    lied on me
  • 73:52 - 73:54
    and said, ''Uh-uh!
  • 73:54 - 73:58
    ''We asked for eggs and milk
  • 73:58 - 74:01
    and Dad made us eat this!''
  • 74:10 - 74:15
    And my wife sent me to my room.
  • 74:18 - 74:22
    Which is where l wanted
    to go in the first place.
  • 74:26 - 74:29
    So you see, we are dumb,
  • 74:30 - 74:33
    but we are not so dumb.
  • 74:34 - 74:39
    lt takes great thinking and work
    to keep from working.
  • 74:43 - 74:46
    But the brain-damaged people
  • 74:48 - 74:51
    drive your face...
  • 74:53 - 74:56
    Why did you do that?
    (imitating child) ''l don't know.''
  • 74:56 - 75:00
    Sometimes you hear it in your sleep.
  • 75:00 - 75:02
    ''l don't know.''
  • 75:06 - 75:08
    We have a three-year-old.
  • 75:09 - 75:12
    Everything she wants,
  • 75:12 - 75:16
    she thinks it's all right just to take it.
  • 75:17 - 75:21
    Well, sometimes it
    belongs to someone else.
  • 75:21 - 75:26
    So the others say, ''Give this
    back. This belongs to me.''
  • 75:26 - 75:31
    And the three-year-old says,
    (piercing voice) ''Mine! Mine! Mine!''
  • 75:32 - 75:36
    And this sound travels
    through the house
  • 75:38 - 75:44
    and the vibrations seek out
    a grown person's spinal cord
  • 75:46 - 75:52
    and it makes the legs go up
    and down and you have to get up
  • 75:52 - 75:56
    and find out where
    the sound is coming from.
  • 75:56 - 75:58
    (piercing voice) ''Mine! Mine!''
  • 75:58 - 76:01
    And you see this child
    pulling on something and yelling,
  • 76:01 - 76:03
    (piercing voice) ''Mine!''
    And at the end of it
  • 76:04 - 76:06
    is an older child mumbling,
    ''No, you got this out of my room.''
  • 76:07 - 76:11
    And you go up quickly
    and you hit the older child.
  • 76:11 - 76:14
    ''Why don't you lay off?
    Don't you hear her yelling?!''
  • 76:15 - 76:18
    Because parents are not
    interested in justice...
  • 76:18 - 76:21
    they want quiet.
  • 76:28 - 76:32
    The older child ran off crying
    and l said, ''Just shut up!
  • 76:32 - 76:36
    ''She's got stuff that belongs to me, too!
  • 76:39 - 76:43
    Think you're by yourself
    in this, you're crazy!''
  • 76:49 - 76:53
    l came home from playing tennis,
    as l said before.
  • 76:54 - 76:57
    My wife was like this,
  • 76:57 - 77:01
    and l was hoping that l wasn't the one
  • 77:01 - 77:04
    she was looking like that about.
  • 77:04 - 77:07
    And l went up to her
    and l kissed her on the cheek.
  • 77:08 - 77:10
    l said, ''How you feeling, Pud?''
  • 77:11 - 77:14
    She said, ''l want you...
  • 77:14 - 77:17
    ''to go upstairs...
  • 77:19 - 77:22
    and kill that boy.''
  • 77:26 - 77:30
    And l said, ''Right!''
  • 77:30 - 77:34
    'Cause l was happy
    l wasn't the one in trouble.
  • 77:35 - 77:37
    Kill the boy, kill the boy.
  • 77:37 - 77:39
    Yes, master. Yes, master.
  • 77:39 - 77:43
    (maniacal laughter)
  • 77:43 - 77:46
    So l go to kill my son.
  • 77:46 - 77:48
    He was in the room,
  • 77:48 - 77:54
    looking pitiful. And l can understand that
  • 77:54 - 77:57
    because my mother sent me
    to the room many times.
  • 77:57 - 78:02
    ''Your father comes home, he's going
    to shoot you in the face with a bazooka.
  • 78:03 - 78:06
    ''And l am not going to
    stop him this time, either.
  • 78:07 - 78:11
    ''You know, he's always
    wanted to kill you.
  • 78:11 - 78:14
    ''The day you were born,
    he said, 'Kill it.'
  • 78:15 - 78:19
    ''l stopped him from
    killing you for 1 1 years.
  • 78:23 - 78:28
    (sobbing) And this is the thanks
    l get for saving your life!''
  • 78:30 - 78:32
    (sniffs)
  • 78:34 - 78:38
    l looked at him, l said,
  • 78:39 - 78:41
    ''Your mother sent me here to kill you.''
  • 78:43 - 78:45
    He said, ''Uh-huh.''
  • 78:49 - 78:52
    l looked at him
  • 78:52 - 78:56
    and l noticed that on top of his head,
  • 78:57 - 79:02
    from here all the way around to here,
  • 79:03 - 79:06
    there was no hair.
  • 79:12 - 79:14
    So l said, ''Uh...
  • 79:17 - 79:19
    son.''
  • 79:19 - 79:21
    Called him son...
  • 79:23 - 79:25
    l said,
  • 79:27 - 79:30
    ''What happened to your hair?''
  • 79:31 - 79:33
    He said, ''l don't know.''
  • 79:41 - 79:46
    l said, ''Son, take your hand
  • 79:46 - 79:49
    ''and put it on top of your head
  • 79:49 - 79:52
    and tell me what you feel.''
  • 79:53 - 79:56
    He said, ''There's no hair.''
  • 79:56 - 79:58
    l said, ''Right!
  • 79:58 - 80:03
    Now tell Dad
    what happened to your hair.''
  • 80:03 - 80:06
    He said, ''l don't know.''
  • 80:06 - 80:09
    l said, ''Son,
  • 80:09 - 80:14
    was your head with you all day today?''
  • 80:18 - 80:20
    He said, ''Uh-huh.''
  • 80:21 - 80:25
    - l said, ''Did you cut your hair off?''
    - He said, ''Uh-huh.''
  • 80:25 - 80:27
    l said, ''Then why
    didn't you tell me that?''
  • 80:27 - 80:30
    He said, ''l don't know.''
  • 80:31 - 80:34
    l said, ''ls this the hairstyle you wanted?''
  • 80:34 - 80:36
    He said, ''Uh-huh.''
  • 80:37 - 80:40
    l said, ''A reversed Mohawk?!''
  • 80:43 - 80:47
    So l went back downstairs,
    my wife said, ''Did you kill him?''
  • 80:47 - 80:51
    l said, ''No.'' She said, ''Why?''
    l said, ''l don't know.''
  • 81:07 - 81:11
    Are you guys married?
    Oh, yeah? How long?
  • 81:11 - 81:14
    - (man) Three years.
    - Three years. Yeah.
  • 81:14 - 81:18
    And you're still holding hands?
  • 81:18 - 81:20
    Weird people.
  • 81:26 - 81:27
    - Are you married?
    - (man #2) Yeah.
  • 81:27 - 81:30
    - How many years?
    - (man #2) 35.
  • 81:30 - 81:33
    35? Where's your wife?
  • 81:33 - 81:35
    (audience laughing)
  • 81:53 - 81:55
    l found out that
  • 81:56 - 82:02
    the male does not
    pay attention to the vows.
  • 82:02 - 82:05
    The male does not
    pay attention to those vows.
  • 82:05 - 82:07
    The female does.
  • 82:07 - 82:11
    See, you ask a male, you say, um,
  • 82:11 - 82:14
    ''Can you repeat the part with the vows?
  • 82:14 - 82:17
    ''No, not 'Dearly beloved,
    we are gathered here to witness
  • 82:17 - 82:20
    'in all the face and the thing...'''
    you know...
  • 82:21 - 82:22
    But l do duly, doth-ly, solely...
  • 82:22 - 82:26
    But l do duly, doth-ly, solely...
  • 82:28 - 82:32
    promise... to! to!
  • 82:32 - 82:35
    promise to cherish...
  • 82:36 - 82:39
    The male can remember cherish.
  • 82:39 - 82:43
    The male can remember honor,
  • 82:43 - 82:45
    love and then you say, ''What else?''
  • 82:45 - 82:49
    and they say, ''Till death do us part.''
  • 82:49 - 82:53
    Now when you ask the female,
    you say, ''Do you remember the vows?''
  • 82:53 - 82:55
    She says, ''Yes.'' You say,
    ''Well, what do you remember?''
  • 82:56 - 82:58
    She says, ''Obey.''
  • 83:01 - 83:05
    You say, ''What about it?''
    She say, ''Well, he's obeying.
  • 83:05 - 83:07
    And he better obey.''
  • 83:09 - 83:14
    And that is how you become the boss,
  • 83:14 - 83:20
    because you get the male to obey.
    He's got to obey.
  • 83:20 - 83:24
    l mean, he just doesn't
    have anything else to do.
  • 83:24 - 83:25
    Obey.
  • 83:25 - 83:28
    And it's a funny-sounding word, obey.
  • 83:28 - 83:30
    Sounds like pig Latin.
  • 83:32 - 83:33
    Obey.
  • 83:33 - 83:35
    Obey.
  • 83:36 - 83:39
    Oh, yea, obey.
  • 83:42 - 83:46
    Anyway, my wife is the boss
  • 83:47 - 83:49
    and as l said before, l don't want her job,
  • 83:49 - 83:53
    l've seen it. lt's a horrible job.
  • 83:53 - 83:58
    And l still don't understand
    how she's going to outlive me.
  • 84:02 - 84:05
    'Cause anybody who's
    gotta deal emotionally
  • 84:06 - 84:09
    with those people
    and can still outlive me,
  • 84:10 - 84:13
    there's something wrong with me.
    l must be sick.
  • 84:16 - 84:19
    Let me give you an example
    of what l call,
  • 84:19 - 84:23
    ''the same thing happens every night.''
  • 84:25 - 84:28
    lt's supper time.
    Do you have children? How old?
  • 84:29 - 84:31
    - (man) They're grown now.
    - They're grown now.
  • 84:31 - 84:34
    But how many did you have? Two. OK.
  • 84:34 - 84:37
    That qualifies. That qualifies.
  • 84:37 - 84:40
    Because a person with one child,
    l don't call them really a parent
  • 84:40 - 84:43
    because there are
    too many things left out.
  • 84:43 - 84:46
    lf you just have one child,
    there are too many things left out.
  • 84:46 - 84:50
    For instance, if something's
    broken in the house,
  • 84:50 - 84:54
    you have one child, you know who did it.
  • 84:55 - 84:57
    See, you don't have to go through
  • 84:57 - 85:00
    (imitating child) ''l-l-l...''
  • 85:01 - 85:03
    You know the child did it.
  • 85:05 - 85:08
    Also, people with one child
    do not have to go through,
  • 85:08 - 85:11
    ''Will you stop touching me?''
  • 85:11 - 85:14
    lf you got one child
    and the child's doing that,
  • 85:14 - 85:16
    then you got to take it away, you know.
  • 85:29 - 85:34
    Now the same thing
    happens every night.
  • 85:35 - 85:38
    We have five children.
    They sit in the center.
  • 85:38 - 85:40
    My wife is at this end, l'm at this end.
  • 85:41 - 85:43
    And our children enjoy their dinner
  • 85:43 - 85:48
    because my wife allows them to
    listen to their music. So you get:
  • 85:48 - 85:50
    (imitates bass guitar)
  • 85:50 - 85:53
    And the children eat and they:
  • 86:07 - 86:10
    l don't look at 'em, l just keep...
  • 86:17 - 86:19
    Now, my wife looks the situation over
  • 86:20 - 86:25
    and she can tell when the children
    are not going to eat any more.
  • 86:25 - 86:30
    See, she can tell. They've
    fooled around long enough.
  • 86:30 - 86:32
    ''All right, now, you've
    fooled around long enough.
  • 86:33 - 86:36
    Everybody get up from the table.''
    My wife says this every night.
  • 86:36 - 86:42
    ''Everybody get up
    from the table, go upstairs,
  • 86:42 - 86:45
    ''take off all your clothes,
  • 86:45 - 86:48
    ''get into the shower,
  • 86:48 - 86:51
    please turn on the water...''
  • 86:51 - 86:55
    You have to tell them to do that
  • 86:55 - 86:59
    because if you don't,
    they'll just wander around the tub.
  • 87:04 - 87:07
    And then get out and get in the bed.
  • 87:08 - 87:11
    ''Please use soap.''
  • 87:12 - 87:15
    That's mostly for my son.
  • 87:15 - 87:18
    ''Rinse yourselves off, dry yourselves off,
  • 87:18 - 87:22
    ''put on clean pajamas, get into the bed
  • 87:22 - 87:24
    and go to sleep.''
  • 87:25 - 87:31
    Now, if these brain-damaged
    children would do that,
  • 87:31 - 87:33
    there would be no beatings.
  • 87:35 - 87:39
    But there's going to be a beating tonight.
  • 87:41 - 87:44
    And the children get up to go upstairs
  • 87:44 - 87:48
    and l kiss them goodnight
    and l try to warn them:
  • 87:48 - 87:53
    ''Please, do what your mother says
  • 87:53 - 87:56
    or somebody's gonna get it tonight.''
  • 87:57 - 88:01
    And the children kiss me
    and they pat me on my head
  • 88:01 - 88:04
    and they smile and look at me
    as if to say, ''Dear man,
  • 88:04 - 88:07
    ''thank you for your kindness
  • 88:07 - 88:11
    ''and your wonderful attitude
    about this whole situation,
  • 88:11 - 88:16
    ''but you don't understand.
    We cannot sleep through the night
  • 88:16 - 88:20
    unless we've had a good beating.''
  • 88:22 - 88:25
    And so they go upstairs
    and l can tell they're gonna get it
  • 88:26 - 88:28
    'cause they've started already
    before they even get upstairs.
  • 88:28 - 88:31
    ''Will you stop touching me!
    And you're touching me,
  • 88:31 - 88:33
    you stop, you're touching me.''
  • 88:33 - 88:36
    (piercing voice) ''Mine, mine, mine!''
  • 88:36 - 88:39
    Now they get upstairs
    and all you hear is:
  • 88:39 - 88:42
    (imitates sound of footsteps)
  • 88:42 - 88:45
    Now my wife talks to the ceiling:
  • 88:54 - 88:56
    ''All right, up there!
  • 88:58 - 89:01
    ''l know you don't
    want me to come up there.
  • 89:04 - 89:08
    l don't hear any water running.''
  • 89:08 - 89:12
    Now downstairs comes
    our seven-year-old.
  • 89:13 - 89:15
    The informer.
  • 89:21 - 89:25
    This is the same child
    that my wife sends with me
  • 89:25 - 89:28
    whenever l'm going out somewhere.
  • 89:32 - 89:36
    The informer's favorite words
    are ''guess what.''
  • 89:38 - 89:41
    (imitating child) ''Um, um, um, Mom?
  • 89:41 - 89:44
    ''Um, um, um, Mom, um, um, um,
  • 89:44 - 89:47
    ''Ennis is upstairs in trouble
  • 89:47 - 89:50
    ''and so l want to, um,
    get into the shower
  • 89:51 - 89:55
    ''and so then, um, he took, um, the towel
  • 89:55 - 89:59
    and popped me on my behind.''
  • 90:00 - 90:04
    ''Go upstairs and tell Ennis
    l said not to do that anymore.''
  • 90:05 - 90:09
    (imitating child) ''But, Mom, l already
    told him so then he took the towel,
  • 90:09 - 90:12
    ''so, guess what?
  • 90:12 - 90:16
    ''Um, Ennis popped me on
    the behind with the towel so l said,
  • 90:16 - 90:22
    'l'm gonna tell Mom on you.'''
  • 90:23 - 90:27
    ''Go upstairs and tell him l said not to
    do it again and take your clothes off.''
  • 90:27 - 90:31
    (imitating child) ''OK, but l know he's
    just gonna pop me in the behind again
  • 90:31 - 90:34
    'cause he's always popping people.''
  • 90:34 - 90:38
    Four minutes later,
    downstairs comes the four-year-old.
  • 90:38 - 90:41
    She is naked and wet.
  • 90:42 - 90:47
    Shampoo in her hair has run into her
    eye. She is running in place and yelling.
  • 90:47 - 90:50
    (imitates yelling)
  • 90:50 - 90:52
    Walking with her, also naked and wet
  • 90:53 - 90:56
    with a smile on her face, is the informer.
  • 90:57 - 90:59
    (imitating child) ''See, Mom, l told you.
  • 91:00 - 91:02
    ''Ennis took and poured water
    on the baby and the shampoo
  • 91:02 - 91:06
    run into her eye
    and she may be blinded for life.''
  • 91:08 - 91:11
    Now my son, who is 1 1 years old,
    comes downstairs.
  • 91:11 - 91:15
    He has on his pajamas.
    They are stuck to his body
  • 91:15 - 91:17
    because he forgot to dry himself.
  • 91:20 - 91:22
    (imitating son) ''l'm trying to
    take a shower upstairs
  • 91:22 - 91:24
    ''and so then they come in the shower.
    l told them l'm too grown
  • 91:25 - 91:29
    for them to be showering with me--''
    The baby turns and kicks him.
  • 91:29 - 91:31
    The seven-year-old punches him.
    (imitates punching)
  • 91:31 - 91:35
    He punches the baby,
    shoves the seven-year-old.
  • 91:35 - 91:39
    They're fighting. (imitates bickering)
  • 91:39 - 91:43
    My wife turns around, grabs a yardstick.
  • 91:44 - 91:47
    She holds it like a samurai warrior.
  • 91:48 - 91:54
    She then makes an announcement
    that the beatings will now begin
  • 91:55 - 91:59
    by saying, ''l have had
  • 91:59 - 92:02
    enough of this.''
  • 92:02 - 92:08
    Now these three brain-damaged people
    have the nerve to look surprised.
  • 92:11 - 92:15
    My wife is... (imitates flying yardstick)
    Children run everywhere.
  • 92:15 - 92:19
    Now my job is, l am the goalie.
  • 92:20 - 92:24
    The children come at me,
    l kick 'em back into play.
  • 92:28 - 92:32
    Now the beatings are over,
    not because l see my wife,
  • 92:32 - 92:34
    but because l hear all of upstairs going:
  • 92:35 - 92:37
    (imitates sobbing)
  • 92:40 - 92:43
    Now here's the funny part:
  • 92:44 - 92:47
    my wife comes downstairs
    with the broken stick,
  • 92:47 - 92:50
    throws it on the table,
  • 92:50 - 92:55
    sits down and begins to talk out loud to
  • 92:55 - 92:57
    nobody.
  • 92:59 - 93:02
    ''Gonna tell me that you're
    not going to do something
  • 93:02 - 93:07
    ''when l tell you to do something.
    l mean, you move when l say move.
  • 93:08 - 93:11
    ''Think l carried you
    in my body for nine months
  • 93:11 - 93:14
    ''so you can roll your eyes at me?
  • 93:14 - 93:16
    ''l'll roll that little head of yours
  • 93:16 - 93:20
    ''down on the floor. You don't
    know who you're fooling with.
  • 93:20 - 93:24
    l'll beat you until
    you can't grow anymore.''
  • 93:34 - 93:38
    So funny.
    My wife and l didn't ask for this.
  • 93:39 - 93:43
    We just asked for some children
    we could send to college.
  • 93:48 - 93:52
    My mother and father come over
    to the house quite often.
  • 93:53 - 93:55
    They're grandparents now.
  • 93:57 - 93:59
    Funny. They're funny people.
  • 94:00 - 94:04
    l've never seen such a
    turnaround in all my life.
  • 94:06 - 94:11
    My father came over
    to the house, sat down,
  • 94:11 - 94:15
    went into his pocket
    and pulled out a handful of money.
  • 94:16 - 94:19
    He began to pass it out
    to the children, you know.
  • 94:19 - 94:22
    He made the announcement:
    ''Now let's see if Granddad has
  • 94:23 - 94:26
    any money for
    these wonderful children.''
  • 94:26 - 94:30
    Well, five children came from
    everywhere. (whooshing sound)
  • 94:31 - 94:36
    See, the priorities are there.
    ''Money for the children.''
  • 94:36 - 94:40
    They heard that,
    understood it and responded.
  • 94:41 - 94:44
    Anything else is
    (irritably) ''money for the children.''
  • 94:44 - 94:48
    You have to say it like that. (irritably)
    ''Come here, come here, come here.''
  • 94:48 - 94:52
    (in normal voice) So they can hear.
  • 94:52 - 94:58
    My father began to pass
    this money out and l thought,
  • 94:58 - 95:03
    ''This is the same man
    who, when l was his child,
  • 95:03 - 95:06
    ''l would ask him for 50 cents,
  • 95:06 - 95:10
    this man would tell me his life story.''
  • 95:14 - 95:18
    And my father never told a happy story.
  • 95:18 - 95:21
    For 50 cents
    there never was happiness.
  • 95:21 - 95:27
    The man ate dirt
    till he was 30 years old.
  • 95:28 - 95:31
    That's all there was, was dirt.
  • 95:31 - 95:36
    And he was thankful to eat that dirt.
    That's the part l couldn't understand.
  • 95:36 - 95:38
    No matter how much he suffered,
    he'd always say,
  • 95:38 - 95:41
    ''And l was thankful to get it!''
  • 95:42 - 95:47
    My father walked to school,
  • 95:47 - 95:50
    4:00 every morning,
  • 95:50 - 95:52
    with no shoes on,
  • 95:53 - 95:55
    uphill,
  • 95:55 - 95:57
    both ways,
  • 95:59 - 96:04
    in five feet of snow, and he was thankful.
  • 96:07 - 96:11
    l asked my father to give me
    a dollar for the school picnic.
  • 96:11 - 96:16
    He told me how he killed a grizzly bear
    with his loose-leaf notebook.
  • 96:19 - 96:22
    Now he's giving money away.
  • 96:23 - 96:25
    My mother kisses every child.
  • 96:25 - 96:28
    ''Just come here and kiss your
    grandmommy.'' (imitates kissing)
  • 96:28 - 96:32
    ''Grandmommy just love you to death.''
    My children think that my mother's
  • 96:32 - 96:35
    the most wonderful person
    on the face of this earth.
  • 96:35 - 96:40
    And l keep telling my children, ''That's
    not the same woman l grew up with.
  • 96:40 - 96:45
    You're looking at an old person
    who's trying to get into heaven now.''
  • 96:54 - 96:58
    Yes, my mother, now a grandmother,
    same woman, when l was her child,
  • 96:59 - 97:03
    could not stand my room. The woman
    would come look at my room and say,
  • 97:03 - 97:08
    ''Would you look at this filth?'' Now,
    l've already been in the room five hours.
  • 97:08 - 97:10
    She wants me to look at it.
  • 97:10 - 97:13
    (imitating mother) ''l said 'look at it!'''
  • 97:16 - 97:19
    My mother was an authority on pigsties.
  • 97:20 - 97:25
    ''This is the worst-looking pigsty
    l have ever seen in my life!
  • 97:26 - 97:29
    ''And l want it cleaned up right now.
  • 97:29 - 97:32
    How anyone can live in
    this filth is beyond me.''
  • 97:33 - 97:36
    l love it when they give you
    ''another think coming.''
  • 97:36 - 97:40
    ''lf you think that l was put
    on this earth to be your slave,
  • 97:40 - 97:43
    you've got another think coming.''
  • 97:48 - 97:50
    And mothers are always
    more interested in
  • 97:50 - 97:53
    the condition of your underwear
    than your body
  • 97:53 - 97:56
    if you're ever in an accident.
  • 97:57 - 97:59
    And they tell you that.
    ''l hope for my sake,
  • 97:59 - 98:03
    if you're ever in an accident,
    you have on clean underwear.''
  • 98:03 - 98:07
    Well, l thought that's what
    an accident was.
  • 98:09 - 98:12
    Look, you're driving a truck,
  • 98:12 - 98:15
    here comes another truck gonna hit you.
  • 98:15 - 98:21
    Now, whether you hit the truck or not,
    you're going to have soiled underwear,
  • 98:22 - 98:26
    because first you say it, then you do it.
  • 98:28 - 98:32
    Now here comes your mother
    to the hospital.
  • 98:32 - 98:35
    (imitating mother) ''Did he
    have on clean underwear?''
  • 98:35 - 98:40
    (imitating hospital worker) ''Yes, we
    found it in the glove compartment.''
  • 98:47 - 98:51
    l love it when they get so angry
    they can't remember your name.
  • 98:51 - 98:56
    ''You come here, uh, Roy, uh, Roquefort,
    uh, Rutabaga, what is your name, boy?
  • 98:56 - 99:01
    ''And don't lie to me 'cause you live here
    and l'll find out who you are.
  • 99:01 - 99:04
    Take a stick and knock your brains out.''
  • 99:04 - 99:07
    l always wanted to
    get some calves' brains,
  • 99:07 - 99:09
    keep 'em in my hand.
  • 99:09 - 99:15
    My mother'd hit me in the head,
    l'd throw 'em on the floor.
  • 99:15 - 99:18
    But knowing my mother, it wouldn't
    work. She'd say, ''Put your brains
  • 99:19 - 99:22
    ''back in your head. Don't you let
    your brains fall out of your head.
  • 99:23 - 99:26
    Have you lost your mind?''
    And that's another thing:
  • 99:26 - 99:31
    they ask you a question, you try
    and answer, they tell you to shut up!
  • 99:31 - 99:35
    ''Day and night, night and day,
    work my fingers to the bone, for what?''
  • 99:35 - 99:37
    ''l don't--'' ''Shut up!''
  • 99:38 - 99:42
    ''And when l ask you a question,
    you keep your trap shut!
  • 99:42 - 99:48
    ''Think l'm talking
    to hear myself talk? Answer me!
  • 99:51 - 99:53
    ''You make me sick!
  • 99:53 - 99:56
    ''l'm just sick of this and l'm sick of you.
  • 99:56 - 99:59
    ''So sick l don't know
    what to do with myself.
  • 99:59 - 100:01
    Now l am just sick and tired.''
  • 100:01 - 100:05
    ''And tired'' always followed ''sick.''
    Worst beating l ever got in my life,
  • 100:05 - 100:09
    my mother said, ''l am just sick--''
    l said, ''And tired.''
  • 100:10 - 100:13
    l don't remember anything after that.
  • 100:15 - 100:19
    But, you see, fathers
    are altogether different.
  • 100:19 - 100:23
    l'm not saying they're better.
    l'm saying they're different.
  • 100:23 - 100:27
    See, my father established our
    relationship when l was seven years old.
  • 100:27 - 100:31
    He looked at me, he said, ''l brought
    you into this world. l'll take you out.
  • 100:31 - 100:36
    And it don't make no difference to me.
    l'll make another one look just like you.''
  • 100:37 - 100:39
    And because of my father,
    between the age of seven through 1 5,
  • 100:40 - 100:42
    l thought my name was Jesus Christ.
  • 100:44 - 100:46
    He said, ''Jesus Christ!''
  • 100:49 - 100:53
    And my brother Russell
    thought his name was Dammit.
  • 100:53 - 100:56
    ''Dammit, will you stop all that noise?!''
  • 100:56 - 100:59
    ''Jesus Christ, sit down!''
  • 101:02 - 101:04
    So one day l'm out playing in the rain.
  • 101:04 - 101:07
    My father said, ''Dammit,
    will you get in here!''
  • 101:07 - 101:10
    l said, ''Dad, l'm Jesus Christ.''
  • 101:19 - 101:22
    But you see, fathers
    are more fun than mothers
  • 101:22 - 101:27
    because fathers are the only people in
    the house who are allowed to have gas.
  • 101:29 - 101:34
    And they don't care either. They just
    sit right there and (imitates farting)
  • 101:37 - 101:41
    And you always know when they're
    finished 'cause they say, ''Oh, boy.''
  • 101:41 - 101:46
    My father would do it
    and blame it on invisible animals.
  • 101:46 - 101:50
    (imitates elephant's trumpeting) ''You
    see that elephant run under there?''
  • 101:50 - 101:54
    And my brother was
    dumb enough to look for it.
  • 101:54 - 101:57
    Now here comes my mother.
    ''All right, dinner-- Oh, Lord,
  • 101:57 - 101:59
    what happened in here?''
  • 101:59 - 102:03
    He said, ''Mom, there's an
    elephant under Dad's chair.''
  • 102:03 - 102:04
    ''Did you see it?''
  • 102:04 - 102:08
    ''No, but it lifted Dad up about two feet.''
  • 102:10 - 102:12
    Do you know my father's favorite game?
  • 102:12 - 102:15
    ''Come here and pull my finger.''
  • 102:21 - 102:24
    Thank you for coming.
    Take care of yourselves.
  • 102:24 - 102:26
    Good night. Thank you.
  • 102:26 - 102:28
    Thank you. Thank you.
  • 102:28 - 102:31
    (d intro to ''Just the Slew Of Us''
    by Bill Cosby)
  • 102:51 - 102:53
    (girl) Daddy, can we go
    to the school dance?
  • 102:53 - 102:56
    ( Cosby) What? Well,
    what did your mother say?
  • 102:56 - 103:00
    Well, tell her
    don't bother me with that.
  • 103:00 - 103:05
    Now take your sister's clothes off
    and don't wear 'em anymore.
  • 103:05 - 103:06
    Yes, I know-- What?
  • 103:06 - 103:09
    Now what do you want?
    Where's your mother?
  • 103:09 - 103:12
    Well, don't come to me with that
    'cause I'm busy doing things.
  • 103:12 - 103:16
    And get the dog out of here.
    The dog does not belong...
  • 103:17 - 103:19
    Who took my socks?
    Did you take my soc--
  • 103:19 - 103:22
    I don't care what they're wearing
    these days, take the socks off.
  • 103:22 - 103:26
    And you take off my shirt, too.
  • 103:26 - 103:31
    I've never seen a seven-year-old boy
    wear a size 1 3 shoe.
  • 103:37 - 103:40
    d Just the slew of us
  • 103:40 - 103:44
    d We can make it,
    just the slew of us
  • 103:45 - 103:48
    Best watched using Open Subtitles MKV Player
Title:
Bill Cosby - Himself
Description:

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Video Language:
English
Duration:
01:43:52

English subtitles

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