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Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org
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(d intro to ''Just the Slew Of Us''
by Bill Cosby)
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(applause)
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(applause and whistling)
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(applause and whistling continues)
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(mouths) More. More. More.
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- (man in audience yells)
- (inaudible)
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Sit up there and yell like that.
Today's only Thursday,
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for crying out loud. Thursday.
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You gotta wait till Friday.
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lt's always strange.
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l've had a lot of people work for me
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and l've found out it's a funny thing that
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you give them Saturday and Sunday off
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and they work so hard
to get to those two days
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and those are the two days that
they totally destroy themselves.
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(audience laughing)
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l mean, you know,
you think to yourself, you say,
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''My goodness,
l've really pounded these people
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and worked them to death'' and
Friday comes and they say, ''Yeah!''
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And then they come in Monday...
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(audience laughing)
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...say, ''Boy, am l glad to be back here.
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''l'm no good on my own.
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l was given two whole days
and l just went crazy.'' Yeah.
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l don't know where you get these people
from. Sometimes l think it's drugs.
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lt's got to be drugs,
'cause people on pure air
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don't worry about things like that.
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You know, the drugs, the drugs, l really,
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l think drugs make people
so, you know, they get like:
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l've seen 'em. You know,
they take (inhales deeply)
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you know, and then they
have to hold it in, see.
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See, that's the problem with smoking,
you have to (inhales sharply) look.
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Now, your body doesn't want it
so it starts to kick it out
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whether you want to hold it or not,
so you begin to (sputtering)
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(continues sputtering)
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(coughing)
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(continues coughing)
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Now, the best part about drugs
is that while you're doing that,
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the person sitting next to you is going,
''Hey, man, pass that over.''
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(audience laughing)
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Then the people get stoned.
Now this is the fun part of getting...
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They get stoned,
then they become paranoid:
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Now, when they started out, they said,
''Let's get high and have fun.''
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So they're high, now they're paranoid.
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''Am l falling out of this chair?''
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Then l've known people who've
gotten stoned and they start to laugh
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and nobody knows
what they're laughing at.
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You know, they're just:
(mouthing laughter)
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(laughs uproariously)
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''No, wait a minute, wait a minute.''
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(laughs uproariously)
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''No, wait a minute.
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''l went over to the...
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''Ooh!
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(laughs)
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''No, wait a minute.
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''l went over to the Burger King.
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''And so the guy took a piece of meat,
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''and threw it on the grill.
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''l said, 'Oh, wow!'
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''Ooh!
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''So then he turned it over.
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''lt was all brown.
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''l said, 'Far out!'
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''And he put it between
two pieces of bread.
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''l said, 'Oh, no!'
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And the guy ate it.''
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But the biggest one... is the cocaine.
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- (man) Yow!
- There they go!
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There they go! Cocaine, Jack!
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''You take cocaine, man?''
People say, ''Yeah.''
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''You take cocaine, man?''
People say, ''Yeah.''
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Say, ''l'll do a few lines.''
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And l said to a guy, l said,
''Tell me, you know,
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what is it about cocaine
that makes it so wonderful?''
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And the guy said, ''Well, it
intensifies your personality.''
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And l said, ''Yes,
but what if you're an asshole?''
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(applause and cheering)
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(man) Yow!
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But l really want to study,
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l really want to study
this whole thing of drinking,
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getting drunk, and people saying
that they're having a good time.
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Because if you put on a good suit,
you put on a good suit or whatever
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and you say, ''l'm going out
to have a good time.''
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But some people announce it:
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''l'm going out
because l deserve to go out
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''and l'm going to get drunk
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''because l deserve to get drunk
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and get out of my way.''
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Now, these people get up there
and they drink and they drink
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and they drink,
and the body begins to tell you:
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(in deep voice) ''Please,
you better slow down.''
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(in normal voice)
You have a person who came in
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and they were walking like this:
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See, there's different kinds
of walks for drunken people.
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Now, for instance,
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if you just have a regular
old raggedy bourbon drunk,
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you know, they go like:
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You know, and they're
really trying to maintain.
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And the people keep leaning
the room on them, you know.
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See. Now you can get a gin drunk.
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Gin and vodka, you know,
martinis, now, these are the people,
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very, you know, they
have their own business...
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and they just stop off
and have about six or seven.
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And their fingers pickle 'cause
that's what they stir their drink up with.
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And they do a lot of this when they talk:
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With their drink, so their drink
spurts on your shoe, you know.
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You know, and you're looking
at your shoe and they're going:
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And they hum a lot when they...
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''Hum, how you been?'' You say, ''Fine.''
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''Hum, nice to see you again.
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Hum, oh, pardon me, hum.''
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You know, very smooth people,
you know.
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So then, of course,
the obvious one is the wino, but see,
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winos, once they get down to
where they cannot walk anymore,
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you know, they just kind of
heel-toe it, you know...
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Just kind of easy, going to get it.
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Now, you have, like, since the
country-western thing has happened,
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you got all these people with
the cowboy hats and a buckle
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and...
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they just drink a lot of beer.
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- (man whistles)
- See? There they are.
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See... And beer drinkers are really
different people because they...
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something happens to their
hearing. They go almost...
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They... everything... (bellowing) Hey!
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(bellowing) All right!
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Now, they drink a lot of beer
and the beer does not go here,
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it goes in one leg.
And when that leg fills up,
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then they have to take it to the john, see.
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And so when they walk, you know, they:
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Now,
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when they come out of the bathroom,
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then you can tell, see.
lt's empty now, you see.
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They step up to the bar
and fill it back up.
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Now when it gets so that,
you know, this leg is, ''l gotta go.''
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(bellowing) ''Hey!
l've gotta go again! Oh!''
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But this is always like this,
always hanging out.
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And they keep doing like this
and the thing falls down.
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Then they wanna go ride
this mechanical animal
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and fall and bust their face, you know...
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''l rode the bull at Gilley's
and busted my face,'' you know.
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A picture of an idiot in action.
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But now, the person who has
dedicated themselves to going out
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and getting so drunk
that they're gonna get sick,
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is the all-time dumb person.
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They stand there, just drinking, drinking.
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Now, the body says,
''Don't take another drink.''
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So you reach up and you go...
and the stomach say,
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the message has come down.
''He's taking another drink.
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the message has come down.
''He's taking another drink.
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''All right, reverse gears,
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but just take it up to the top of the neck.''
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(imitates mechanical sound)
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This stuff comes up to here,
he says, ''Now give him a small burp.''
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(imitates burping)
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(shuddering)
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''Turn on the sweat machine.''
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Now people say, ''Are you all right?''
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(slurring) ''Of course l'm OK.''
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Now you've got to go,
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so you come into the bathroom.
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(imitates door opening) Close the door.
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(imitates door closing)
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Now, don't forget,
you owe this to yourself.
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You worked hard all week.
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lt's come to this.
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(applause)
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(groaning)
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(groaning continues)
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(moaning)
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Oh, Jesus.
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Oh, God.
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lf you get me out of this,
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l won't drink again as long as l live.
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Oh!
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Now you are ready...
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to put your face...
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in a place...
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that was never built for your face.
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(moans)
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Now you feel it coming.
''All right, l'm ready.
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''Holding on, holding on.
We going for a ride? Yes.
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''Bring it on? Yes.
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Here it comes, l'm ready to explode.''
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And your muscles lock, everything.
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And you wouldn't be surprised,
you would not be surprised
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if you saw your shoes come out
of your mouth. You'd say ''Yes!''
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Now that wave has stopped,
you... (moans)
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You put your head
on the side of the bowl
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and you thank the toilet bowl.
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''Thank you, toilet bowl.
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''Thank you so much
for being cool on the side.
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''Only you understand me, toilet bowl.
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You're the only friend l have,
my wonderful toilet bowl.''
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Now, people keep coming to the door.
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(imitates door opening)
''Are you all right?''
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And you say, ''Oh, yes.
l'm always like this all the time.
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''Just having a little picnic.
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Just listening to the toilet bowl.''
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(imitates toilet flushing)
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And that's called having a good time.
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l never understand that.
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l mean, it's all right if
you're a teenager, you know,
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you've never had it before, you know,
and you say, ''What is this all about?''
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You keep drinking and getting sick
and throw up. But grown people do that.
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On weekends.
And then they come back to work
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and they go, ''Oh, God, my head...''
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Strange.
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Dentists...
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tell you not to pick your teeth
with any sharp metal object.
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Then you sit in their chair,
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and the first thing
they grab is an iron hook.
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And they start to pick in an area
that you came to get fixed.
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(imitates picking)
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l found out something about myself
while the dentist was doing that.
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l found out if l was ever
paralyzed from the knee down,
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l'd be able to walk with my behind.
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Because the whole time
he kept doing that l just kept...
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(deep voice) ''Can you sit up?''
''l'm sorry, l beg your pardon.''
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(deep voice) ''Sit up.'' ''l'm sorry.''
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Now the dentist pulls out a needle.
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This is to deaden the pain.
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Says, ''Open up.'' Now, a regular doctor
giving you a shot would go:
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and that's it.
Dentists don't do that, they go:
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And you're there... (gasping)
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Then they want to talk to you.
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''Do you ever do any fishing?''
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(muffled) Uh-huh. (gasping)
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''Where do you usually go?''
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(muffled voice)
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''Yes, l've been there
many times myself.''
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Now he pulls the needle out.
Puts this thing in your mouth.
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(imitates suction hose)
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This will suck up your face.
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The dentist goes outside
to laugh at you.
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And you sit, grown-up, intelligent
human being, arguing with this thing.
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(sucking) (gagging) (sucking)
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You also notice
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that the right side of your face
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feels like it's sliding off of your skull.
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And your bottom lip is in your lap.
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00:20:32,619 --> 00:20:36,020
So the dentist comes back.
You want to talk to him.
244
00:20:36,122 --> 00:20:41,719
So you say, (indistinct speech)
245
00:20:41,828 --> 00:20:43,420
''l beg your pardon?''
246
00:20:43,530 --> 00:20:47,557
(slurring)
247
00:20:50,937 --> 00:20:52,996
''l don't understand.''
248
00:20:53,106 --> 00:20:56,075
(slurring)
249
00:21:00,346 --> 00:21:01,870
''Your what?''
250
00:21:01,981 --> 00:21:03,949
(slurring)
251
00:21:07,487 --> 00:21:11,014
''Your face?'' (lisping) Yeth!
252
00:21:11,124 --> 00:21:13,388
''What's the matter with it?''
253
00:21:13,493 --> 00:21:15,984
(slurring) What's the matter with it?
254
00:21:18,264 --> 00:21:22,997
My face... my face is hanging down...
255
00:21:23,870 --> 00:21:25,963
Do you see this?
256
00:21:30,076 --> 00:21:33,273
This is my bottom lip.
257
00:21:34,180 --> 00:21:38,048
lt wasn't like this when l came in here.
258
00:21:38,151 --> 00:21:41,587
''Well, l'll fix it.'' l hope so!
259
00:21:41,688 --> 00:21:44,384
Because when you put
the needle in my mouth,
260
00:21:44,490 --> 00:21:48,950
my face went down like this,
my bottom lip went on the floor.
261
00:21:49,062 --> 00:21:52,623
So l can't live like this now.
''l'll fix it.''
262
00:21:52,732 --> 00:21:54,700
(slurring) OK!
263
00:21:55,602 --> 00:21:59,732
Now he starts to drill: (imitates drilling)
264
00:21:59,839 --> 00:22:02,933
And you see and smell smoke
265
00:22:04,677 --> 00:22:07,202
coming out of your mouth. So you say,
266
00:22:07,313 --> 00:22:09,975
(slurring) ''Wait a minute.''
267
00:22:12,819 --> 00:22:16,585
''What's the matter?'' (slurring) Smoke!
268
00:22:16,689 --> 00:22:20,887
''What?''
(slurring) Smoke, smoke, smoke!
269
00:22:20,994 --> 00:22:25,294
There's some smoke
and it's coming out of my mouth.
270
00:22:25,398 --> 00:22:27,423
''l don't understand.''
271
00:22:28,568 --> 00:22:31,128
(slurring) Fire!
272
00:22:31,237 --> 00:22:33,831
Do you understand the fire?
273
00:22:33,940 --> 00:22:37,341
There's a fire in my mouth
and the smoke is coming out.
274
00:22:37,443 --> 00:22:40,571
And my face is hanging on the floor.
275
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:43,148
''The fire?'' Yes!
276
00:22:43,249 --> 00:22:45,217
''Where?''
277
00:22:46,619 --> 00:22:49,087
(slurring) Never mind, never mind.
278
00:22:50,323 --> 00:22:53,349
Now he drills some more
and you hear him make a mistake.
279
00:22:53,459 --> 00:22:55,427
(imitates drill slipping)
280
00:22:56,896 --> 00:23:01,663
And to cover it up, they all
say the same thing: ''OK, rinse.''
281
00:23:03,736 --> 00:23:08,105
(slurring) Rinse?
You asking me to rinse?
282
00:23:08,207 --> 00:23:11,540
l don't have a bottom lip.
How can l rinse?
283
00:23:11,644 --> 00:23:13,703
''Give it a try.''
284
00:23:13,813 --> 00:23:17,078
(slurring) Give it a try? OK.
285
00:23:17,684 --> 00:23:21,848
(in normal voice) Grab the cup,
pour the water, it runs all down...
286
00:23:27,827 --> 00:23:31,923
(slurring) l hope that you are satisfied.
287
00:23:32,031 --> 00:23:36,991
l hope that you are satisfied.
l put the water in my mouth,
288
00:23:37,103 --> 00:23:40,072
l told you l can't rinse
because l have no bottom lip,
289
00:23:40,173 --> 00:23:43,631
the water went all down in my lap.
290
00:23:43,743 --> 00:23:47,645
l hope that you are satisfied.
291
00:23:47,747 --> 00:23:49,715
''Rinse again.''
292
00:23:50,917 --> 00:23:53,408
You've gotta be kidding me!
293
00:23:54,721 --> 00:23:57,053
So you pick it up, put it in. Now,
294
00:23:57,156 --> 00:24:02,184
you're gonna spit into
this miniature toilet bowl.
295
00:24:03,429 --> 00:24:06,830
You have no bottom lip
so you let it all fall out,
296
00:24:06,933 --> 00:24:10,528
say, ''Thank God for gravity.''
297
00:24:10,636 --> 00:24:14,128
Now you want to sit back but you can't
298
00:24:14,240 --> 00:24:16,640
because hanging...
299
00:24:18,011 --> 00:24:22,277
from your bottom lip is a long line
300
00:24:22,382 --> 00:24:25,715
and you can't get it off your bottom lip.
301
00:24:25,818 --> 00:24:29,982
Oh, if you wanna be gross,
you can grab it and throw it over there.
302
00:24:30,690 --> 00:24:34,626
But you try to be smooth
about it, you know...
303
00:24:40,566 --> 00:24:44,093
And it's breaking over here
and it's breaking over there.
304
00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:51,176
Try to blow it off: (blowing)
305
00:24:52,412 --> 00:24:54,812
Just vibrating.
306
00:24:54,914 --> 00:24:58,179
So you figure, maybe if you sit back,
307
00:24:58,284 --> 00:25:00,309
it'll snap in half.
308
00:25:01,354 --> 00:25:05,814
So you sit back. Now you have a line
309
00:25:05,925 --> 00:25:08,655
from the bowl to your bottom lip.
310
00:25:08,761 --> 00:25:12,720
The dentist looks at it
and says, ''Oh, look, a rainbow!''
311
00:25:18,871 --> 00:25:21,101
So you have to pay him for that.
312
00:25:23,376 --> 00:25:28,279
Anyway, l didn't come here
to tell you that.
313
00:25:34,420 --> 00:25:36,911
l, uh...
314
00:25:37,023 --> 00:25:41,926
wanted to discuss some
very serious matters here.
315
00:25:43,463 --> 00:25:46,193
The... (coughs)
316
00:25:46,299 --> 00:25:48,392
Pardon me.
317
00:25:49,769 --> 00:25:54,638
My wife and l were intellectuals...
318
00:25:57,410 --> 00:25:59,901
before we had children.
319
00:26:02,682 --> 00:26:05,344
We were very, very bright people.
320
00:26:07,320 --> 00:26:11,313
My wife graduated from
the University of Maryland,
321
00:26:11,424 --> 00:26:16,555
child psychology major
with a B-plus average,
322
00:26:16,662 --> 00:26:19,961
which means that if you ask her
a question about a child's behavior,
323
00:26:20,066 --> 00:26:24,127
she will give you at least an 85 answer.
324
00:26:25,571 --> 00:26:28,802
l, from Temple University,
physical education major
325
00:26:28,908 --> 00:26:32,776
with a child psychology minor,
which means that if you ask me
326
00:26:32,879 --> 00:26:38,442
a question about a child's behavior, l will
tell you to tell the child to take a lap.
327
00:26:44,157 --> 00:26:48,890
Needless to say, we felt qualified
328
00:26:48,995 --> 00:26:52,362
to handle having children,
329
00:26:53,132 --> 00:26:57,432
and we planned to have children.
330
00:26:57,537 --> 00:26:59,596
We sat in the back seat of a car,
331
00:26:59,705 --> 00:27:01,673
(audience laughing)
332
00:27:04,410 --> 00:27:08,176
and discussed it. Children.
333
00:27:08,281 --> 00:27:11,341
We wanted to have children
and bring them up.
334
00:27:12,718 --> 00:27:18,350
And we spoke to God about the children
335
00:27:19,425 --> 00:27:24,055
and we were afraid to ask God
336
00:27:24,163 --> 00:27:26,654
for specific things.
337
00:27:26,766 --> 00:27:31,135
We felt that it might be too much.
338
00:27:31,237 --> 00:27:36,004
We said to God,
''Please give us a healthy child,''
339
00:27:36,108 --> 00:27:38,338
and we left it at that,
340
00:27:40,513 --> 00:27:44,347
not knowing that God
is a generous God,
341
00:27:45,551 --> 00:27:48,543
but also has a sense of humor,
342
00:27:50,990 --> 00:27:55,086
and that if you leave
that much open for God,
343
00:27:55,194 --> 00:27:59,221
some wonderful jokes
are going to come about.
344
00:28:00,266 --> 00:28:03,497
Still being intellectuals,
345
00:28:03,603 --> 00:28:07,061
my wife and l decided to
bring our first child into the world
346
00:28:07,173 --> 00:28:10,973
by way of natural childbirth.
347
00:28:11,944 --> 00:28:15,038
Now, we were intellectuals,
mind you, which means that
348
00:28:15,147 --> 00:28:18,810
intellectuals go to study things
349
00:28:18,918 --> 00:28:21,751
that people do naturally.
350
00:28:24,457 --> 00:28:26,687
You see, let's think about it.
351
00:28:26,792 --> 00:28:30,626
Childbirth is a natural thing.
352
00:28:30,730 --> 00:28:35,064
The pains come automatically,
the muscles tighten and push down
353
00:28:35,167 --> 00:28:38,159
and the mother is there
and all you need,
354
00:28:38,271 --> 00:28:42,605
as they say in every movie, is hot water.
355
00:28:42,708 --> 00:28:45,609
''Get the hot water,''
and they just send some fool, runs,
356
00:28:45,711 --> 00:28:49,238
''Hot water,'' you know, and bothers
everybody in the world for hot water.
357
00:28:49,348 --> 00:28:53,148
But even if you don't have hot water,
the baby's going to come.
358
00:28:53,252 --> 00:28:57,245
Ker-boom! Natural.
Nature takes its course.
359
00:28:57,356 --> 00:29:00,553
(imitates creaking) Whammo!
360
00:29:00,660 --> 00:29:03,094
And there it is. You understand?
361
00:29:03,195 --> 00:29:05,493
You just need somebody
there to grab a hold,
362
00:29:05,598 --> 00:29:08,692
you know, to grab the rope, you know.
363
00:29:08,801 --> 00:29:13,636
''There, keep pulling there, it's coming,
l'll be right there in a second.'' See?
364
00:29:13,739 --> 00:29:18,642
Natural childbirth. People do it
all around the deprived countries,
365
00:29:18,744 --> 00:29:21,372
quote, unquote,
''deprived countries of the world.''
366
00:29:21,480 --> 00:29:25,109
Women... The lady's
out there picking the rice
367
00:29:25,217 --> 00:29:28,152
or doing whatever in the thing
and all of a sudden you say,
368
00:29:28,254 --> 00:29:31,052
''Ooh!'' Blam! The child falls out,
369
00:29:31,157 --> 00:29:34,320
they cut the cord, tie it
and the kid's there with the rice,
370
00:29:34,427 --> 00:29:38,261
with the mother, you know.
Natural childbirth.
371
00:29:38,998 --> 00:29:42,729
lntellectuals go to class
372
00:29:42,835 --> 00:29:45,702
to study how to do this.
373
00:29:46,739 --> 00:29:49,105
My wife and l sat in class
374
00:29:49,208 --> 00:29:54,544
to learn how to have natural childbirth.
375
00:29:54,647 --> 00:29:57,912
And the first thing
they teach you is that
376
00:29:58,017 --> 00:30:01,009
you have to breathe properly, see?
377
00:30:01,120 --> 00:30:06,023
So when you press down
on the muscles, there's breathing:
378
00:30:06,125 --> 00:30:08,093
(rapid breathing)
379
00:30:10,529 --> 00:30:12,861
That's my wife's job. So she's there:
380
00:30:12,965 --> 00:30:14,933
(rapid breathing)
381
00:30:15,735 --> 00:30:19,569
And she was good.
Now the father's job...
382
00:30:19,672 --> 00:30:23,108
And the father must be there
for these classes.
383
00:30:23,209 --> 00:30:26,406
And they give the father a diploma also.
384
00:30:26,512 --> 00:30:31,176
And if you don't get a diploma,
you cannot come to the birth.
385
00:30:31,283 --> 00:30:33,683
See? So my job
386
00:30:33,786 --> 00:30:38,018
is to bend my wife in half
and say ''Push!''
387
00:30:39,558 --> 00:30:43,494
Now if l don't go to class,
l don't get a diploma for this,
388
00:30:43,596 --> 00:30:45,655
so l can't come to the birth.
389
00:30:45,765 --> 00:30:48,233
So my wife is there:
(rapid breathing)
390
00:30:48,334 --> 00:30:51,235
And l'm there: ''Push.''
And l'm the cheerleader:
391
00:30:51,337 --> 00:30:54,864
''Push him out, shove him out, way out!
392
00:30:54,974 --> 00:30:58,842
Push him out, shove him out, way out!''
393
00:30:59,612 --> 00:31:03,241
And my wife is a wonderful breather.
(rapid breathing)
394
00:31:03,349 --> 00:31:06,182
And we were the best in our class.
395
00:31:06,285 --> 00:31:09,083
And l began to breathe
with my wife, macho style.
396
00:31:09,188 --> 00:31:12,624
(vigorous breathing) Push, push.
397
00:31:12,725 --> 00:31:16,024
(vigorous breathing) Push, push.
398
00:31:16,128 --> 00:31:18,096
(rapid breathing)
399
00:31:19,465 --> 00:31:23,265
We went to parties
and people asked us to breathe.
400
00:31:24,904 --> 00:31:27,168
''Ladies and gentlemen,
the breathing Cosbys!''
401
00:31:27,339 --> 00:31:29,000
(rapid breathing)
402
00:31:29,108 --> 00:31:31,838
Push, push!
403
00:31:31,944 --> 00:31:35,710
Natural childbirth.
Natural childbirth means
404
00:31:35,815 --> 00:31:39,273
no drugs will be administered
into the female's body
405
00:31:39,385 --> 00:31:43,651
during the delivery.
The father can have all he wants.
406
00:31:49,962 --> 00:31:53,090
On the ninth month,
my wife called to me
407
00:31:53,199 --> 00:31:55,360
from the balcony of our California home:
408
00:31:55,468 --> 00:31:58,266
''Bill!'' (rapid breathing)
409
00:31:58,370 --> 00:32:01,999
l became excited. l said, ''Push!''
410
00:32:02,107 --> 00:32:07,010
Then l remembered, we have to go
to the hospital for the natural childbirth.
411
00:32:07,112 --> 00:32:09,512
So l run into the car. l got a Ferrari.
412
00:32:09,615 --> 00:32:11,276
(imitates engine)
413
00:32:11,383 --> 00:32:15,752
l do 1 04 from the garage
to the front door.
414
00:32:15,855 --> 00:32:17,880
So my wife comes out.
She gets in the car.
415
00:32:17,990 --> 00:32:19,753
(imitates engine)
416
00:32:19,859 --> 00:32:24,796
1 80, and we're breathing.
(vigorous breathing) Push, push.
417
00:32:24,897 --> 00:32:26,865
(rapid breathing)
418
00:32:26,966 --> 00:32:31,027
And l'm in my Ferrari,
man, $1 7,000 Ferrari,
419
00:32:31,136 --> 00:32:34,970
and my wife says, ''Oh!''
l say, ''No, dear, please, wait, not here.
420
00:32:35,074 --> 00:32:37,838
No, not in the Ferrari, please.''
421
00:32:37,943 --> 00:32:40,468
And l pull over. We go in the bushes,
422
00:32:40,579 --> 00:32:43,207
we go in the bushes,
but no, not in the car, dear.
423
00:32:43,315 --> 00:32:45,283
She's ''Oh, Bill, can l...''
424
00:32:45,384 --> 00:32:48,683
Hold everything. l'll get you there.
(imitates engine)
425
00:32:48,787 --> 00:32:52,154
So we pull up to the hospital.
The Marx Brothers jump out:
426
00:32:52,258 --> 00:32:55,853
''Whoo! Ha! Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo!''
Put my wife in a wheelchair.
427
00:32:55,961 --> 00:32:58,828
Run her down to the delivery room.
l signed her in, they put the hat on me,
428
00:32:58,931 --> 00:33:00,831
the thing on backwards,
booties on the shoes.
429
00:33:00,933 --> 00:33:03,333
l run into the delivery room.
They got my wife all prepped
430
00:33:03,435 --> 00:33:07,667
and her legs way up in the stirrups...
(rapid breathing)
431
00:33:07,773 --> 00:33:11,971
And the doctor's sitting there
like Johnny Bench.
432
00:33:27,793 --> 00:33:28,760
Now,
433
00:33:30,396 --> 00:33:34,765
the first real pain hit my wife.
434
00:33:34,867 --> 00:33:36,357
Whoo!
435
00:33:36,468 --> 00:33:38,561
And my wife said:
436
00:33:38,671 --> 00:33:41,299
(inhales sharply)
437
00:33:41,407 --> 00:33:44,171
And l said, ''Push?''
438
00:33:45,878 --> 00:33:51,077
Carol Burnett described
what labor pains feel like.
439
00:33:51,183 --> 00:33:56,416
She said, ''Take your bottom lip
and pull it over your head.''
440
00:34:10,536 --> 00:34:13,835
The second pain hit: whoo!
441
00:34:13,938 --> 00:34:16,908
My wife said: (screams)
442
00:34:17,176 --> 00:34:19,143
and stood up...
443
00:34:20,579 --> 00:34:22,547
in the stirrups.
444
00:34:29,054 --> 00:34:31,955
Grabbed my bottom lip...
445
00:34:38,530 --> 00:34:42,694
and said, ''l want morphine!''
446
00:34:45,638 --> 00:34:47,936
l said, ''But dear...'' (vigorous breathing)
447
00:34:48,040 --> 00:34:51,100
She said, ''You shut up!
448
00:34:51,210 --> 00:34:54,940
You did this to me!''
449
00:34:55,047 --> 00:34:57,277
And on the next contraction,
450
00:34:57,383 --> 00:35:01,410
she told everybody in the delivery room
451
00:35:01,520 --> 00:35:05,320
that my parents were never married.
452
00:35:15,934 --> 00:35:19,335
Now we're back to breathing:
(vigorous breathing)
453
00:35:19,438 --> 00:35:23,101
and l'm sitting there, ''Push, push.''
454
00:35:23,208 --> 00:35:26,041
My wife's getting tired.
''l don't wanna push anymore.
455
00:35:26,145 --> 00:35:28,170
l don't wanna push.''
No, you've got to push, dear.
456
00:35:28,280 --> 00:35:31,875
Come on, dear, you've gotta.
''l don't wanna. Oh, no, no.
457
00:35:31,984 --> 00:35:34,145
Tell them to give me something.''
No, you can do it.
458
00:35:34,253 --> 00:35:38,053
''No, l don't wanna graduate from
the class anymore. l just wanna--''
459
00:35:38,157 --> 00:35:40,990
Please, come on, you can do it.
l look in the rearview mirror
460
00:35:41,093 --> 00:35:46,121
and l see the head. And Johnny Bench
is still sitting there, like:
461
00:35:47,166 --> 00:35:50,329
So l said, ''lsn't that the head?''
462
00:35:50,436 --> 00:35:54,395
He said, ''Yeah.'' l said, ''Well, go get it.''
463
00:36:01,613 --> 00:36:03,911
He said, ''lt's stuck.''
464
00:36:05,718 --> 00:36:08,744
l said, ''Well, get
the salad spoons, man!''
465
00:36:14,993 --> 00:36:18,793
So... So he gets the salad spoons
466
00:36:20,466 --> 00:36:23,902
and the baby comes out.
(makes spurting sound)
467
00:36:24,002 --> 00:36:28,029
Now this is the greatest moment...
468
00:36:28,140 --> 00:36:30,108
(woman laughing)
469
00:36:32,544 --> 00:36:34,876
in our lives.
470
00:36:34,980 --> 00:36:39,212
This is what we asked God for.
471
00:36:39,318 --> 00:36:45,279
This is what we wanted
to see if we could make.
472
00:36:45,390 --> 00:36:48,018
And l look at it.
473
00:36:56,802 --> 00:36:59,566
And they started to clean it off.
474
00:37:00,405 --> 00:37:03,465
And it wasn't getting any better.
475
00:37:12,584 --> 00:37:15,849
And l went over to my wife
476
00:37:16,989 --> 00:37:21,255
and l kissed her
ever so gently on the lips
477
00:37:21,360 --> 00:37:27,162
and l said, ''Darling,
l love you very, very much.
478
00:37:27,266 --> 00:37:31,430
You just had a lizard.''
479
00:37:41,880 --> 00:37:45,748
Because the thing
changed colors three times.
480
00:37:48,487 --> 00:37:51,945
And the neck and head
wouldn't work, it just kept:
481
00:37:56,395 --> 00:37:59,853
And l said to the doctor,
''Can you put this back?
482
00:38:01,166 --> 00:38:04,602
'''Cause it isn't done yet. lt needs to cook
483
00:38:04,703 --> 00:38:07,934
another three months maybe.''
484
00:38:08,040 --> 00:38:11,237
But the hospital made us take it home.
485
00:38:16,748 --> 00:38:21,378
My mother looked at it and said,
''Oh, how precious.''
486
00:38:26,024 --> 00:38:29,391
l don't know why she said it.
487
00:38:29,494 --> 00:38:32,657
Well, l didn't know then. l know now.
488
00:38:32,764 --> 00:38:36,256
Because my mother put a curse on me.
489
00:38:36,368 --> 00:38:40,498
A long time ago, l remember
when l was a child what she said,
490
00:38:40,606 --> 00:38:44,337
and l've later found out
that mothers, all mothers,
491
00:38:44,443 --> 00:38:47,344
put a curse on their children.
492
00:38:47,446 --> 00:38:52,076
And they say, ''l hope when you
get married, you have some children
493
00:38:52,184 --> 00:38:57,816
who act exactly the same way
that you act.''
494
00:38:58,724 --> 00:39:01,215
And this curse works!
495
00:39:03,528 --> 00:39:07,396
l mean, it started with that child.
496
00:39:08,433 --> 00:39:12,836
My wife and l have not
been intellectuals since.
497
00:39:13,872 --> 00:39:17,308
Oh, my wife was pretty good for a while.
498
00:39:17,643 --> 00:39:19,838
But it didn't last that long.
499
00:39:19,945 --> 00:39:22,675
lt didn't last two years.
500
00:39:22,781 --> 00:39:26,239
My father, he was so happy.
501
00:39:26,351 --> 00:39:30,981
See, l had a daughter
and l'd wanted a son
502
00:39:31,089 --> 00:39:34,889
and l'd bragged that
l was going to bring a son.
503
00:39:35,160 --> 00:39:40,462
My father and my mother
had four boys, so why not?
504
00:39:40,565 --> 00:39:44,865
l'm a Cosby. Son.
505
00:39:44,970 --> 00:39:48,406
l want a son who carries the ball for me.
506
00:39:48,507 --> 00:39:52,443
Play football, basketball,
run track. My boy.
507
00:39:52,544 --> 00:39:54,671
l'd sit in the stands. ''That your son?''
508
00:39:54,780 --> 00:39:59,649
Yes, that's my boy.
See the boy running the touchdown
509
00:39:59,751 --> 00:40:02,720
with the name Cosby on the back?
That's my son.
510
00:40:02,821 --> 00:40:06,052
l would've done it myself
but l'm too old now.
511
00:40:06,158 --> 00:40:10,492
So l gave him the business. He's
just in charge of running touchdowns.
512
00:40:10,595 --> 00:40:15,294
You know? Go to the dinners.
''And the athlete of the year, little Cosby.
513
00:40:15,400 --> 00:40:19,734
And there's his father, big Cosby.''
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
514
00:40:21,807 --> 00:40:27,074
And l don't mind. l've... You know,
l realize that with great athletes,
515
00:40:27,179 --> 00:40:30,615
you know, it's a different thing.
Father, you grab the boy
516
00:40:30,716 --> 00:40:34,083
when he's like this, see.
You say, ''Come here, boy.''
517
00:40:34,186 --> 00:40:37,087
Two years old. You say, ''Get down,
Dad'll show you how to do it.
518
00:40:37,189 --> 00:40:39,282
Now you come at me.
Run through me.'' Boom!
519
00:40:39,391 --> 00:40:41,882
There. See? Get back up, get back up.
520
00:40:41,994 --> 00:40:45,623
See? You didn't do it right.
Now, come at me. Boom! See, now...
521
00:40:45,731 --> 00:40:48,461
You teach 'em, see? You say,
''Now, go, attack that tree. Bite it!''
522
00:40:48,567 --> 00:40:51,502
(imitates biting noise)
'' Come on back, bite it again.''
523
00:40:51,603 --> 00:40:53,662
(imitates biting noise)
524
00:40:53,772 --> 00:40:56,070
You teach 'em all that. Tackle me, bam!
525
00:40:56,174 --> 00:40:59,610
And then soon he's bigger
and he's stronger and he can hit you,
526
00:40:59,711 --> 00:41:01,804
you don't want him to hit you anymore,
you say, ''All right, son,''
527
00:41:01,913 --> 00:41:04,575
turn him loose on the high school,
he runs up and down the field.
528
00:41:04,683 --> 00:41:07,243
High school! Touchdown.
He's 800 touchdowns per game,
529
00:41:07,352 --> 00:41:10,344
you say, ''Yes, that's my son,''
and he goes to the big college,
530
00:41:10,455 --> 00:41:12,946
playing for a big school,
three million students
531
00:41:13,058 --> 00:41:16,892
and 800,000 people in the stands:
(imitates cheering)
532
00:41:16,995 --> 00:41:19,020
National TV, and he catches the ball
533
00:41:19,131 --> 00:41:21,190
and he doesn't bother
to get out of the way,
534
00:41:21,299 --> 00:41:23,995
he just runs over everybody,
(imitates rushing sound)
535
00:41:24,102 --> 00:41:26,332
for a TD and turn around
and the camera's on him
536
00:41:26,438 --> 00:41:29,305
and you're looking
and he says, ''Hi, Mom.''
537
00:41:33,345 --> 00:41:37,839
Well, you don't mind that.
You know who taught him.
538
00:41:39,718 --> 00:41:43,916
But God has a sense of humor
539
00:41:44,022 --> 00:41:48,891
and God said, ''Let him have a girl.''
540
00:41:49,761 --> 00:41:52,787
(imitates plopping sound) Came out.
541
00:41:52,898 --> 00:41:56,493
And l had my child there,
542
00:41:56,601 --> 00:41:59,126
firstborn, at home,
543
00:41:59,237 --> 00:42:02,206
and it does something to you
when you become a father.
544
00:42:02,307 --> 00:42:05,242
You're home, you know, really home.
545
00:42:05,343 --> 00:42:11,213
And the baby was dirty,
she'd made a little poo-poo.
546
00:42:15,587 --> 00:42:19,148
My wife and l were so happy
when the child made the poo-poo.
547
00:42:20,058 --> 00:42:23,824
We asked the child, (in silly voice) ''Are
you the one that made the poo-poo?
548
00:42:23,929 --> 00:42:26,955
Come on, you made the poo-poo.
You can poopy (baby talk) ''
549
00:42:27,065 --> 00:42:29,898
And the baby say:
550
00:42:30,001 --> 00:42:32,094
l said, ''That's right, you
want to make the poo-poo,
551
00:42:32,204 --> 00:42:35,264
you poo-poo when
you want to poo-poo.''
552
00:42:37,909 --> 00:42:41,811
And my wife and l were so happy,
we showed it to each other.
553
00:42:42,481 --> 00:42:46,941
(in silly voice) Did you see the poo-poo?
Oh, that's a pretty poo-poo.
554
00:42:47,052 --> 00:42:51,250
(in normal voice) We called our parents
up, ''Come over, see the poo-poo.''
555
00:42:51,356 --> 00:42:55,986
And they came over. ''Oh, my God,
will you look at the poo-poo?''
556
00:43:01,166 --> 00:43:03,327
Two months later,
557
00:43:03,435 --> 00:43:07,201
God put odor in the poo-poo.
558
00:43:13,745 --> 00:43:16,270
And it became a mess.
559
00:43:17,582 --> 00:43:20,244
Parents didn't want to
change the child anymore.
560
00:43:20,619 --> 00:43:24,555
And they talked to the child:
''Will you look at what you just did?
561
00:43:26,057 --> 00:43:30,824
''No, l don't want to see that.
You made a mess, yucky, icky.
562
00:43:30,929 --> 00:43:32,521
Messy!''
563
00:43:34,499 --> 00:43:38,902
But as l said before, l was
there changing my daughter,
564
00:43:39,004 --> 00:43:42,804
and my father stood over my shoulder,
put his head over my shoulder
565
00:43:42,908 --> 00:43:47,208
and he said,
''What have you got there, son?''
566
00:43:47,312 --> 00:43:49,280
l said, ''lt's a baby.''
567
00:43:50,248 --> 00:43:55,982
He said, ''Oh, it looks to me like
you didn't put the stem on the apple.''
568
00:44:06,731 --> 00:44:10,098
So l said, ''Yeah, Dad, you're right.''
569
00:44:10,202 --> 00:44:13,262
(tsks) ''Shame.''
570
00:44:14,172 --> 00:44:18,006
l said, ''Yeah.'' He said,
''Well, you still got another chance.''
571
00:44:18,109 --> 00:44:21,135
l said, ''l have a lot of chances.
Camille's young and l'm young.''
572
00:44:21,246 --> 00:44:25,376
He said, ''No, l'm not talking about that.
l'm talking about this child right here.''
573
00:44:25,483 --> 00:44:29,943
l said, ''What are you talking about?''
He said, ''Well, grab hold of her nose
574
00:44:30,055 --> 00:44:32,956
and blow real hard in her mouth.''
575
00:44:45,337 --> 00:44:51,298
Now, as ridiculous as
some things may sound,
576
00:44:52,043 --> 00:44:55,308
there comes a time of desperation,
577
00:44:56,214 --> 00:44:58,307
when no one's looking,
578
00:44:59,384 --> 00:45:03,081
that you will give the ridiculous a try.
579
00:45:04,055 --> 00:45:08,515
Needless to say, l'm happy to
announce that she's still a daughter.
580
00:45:10,929 --> 00:45:14,160
l had trouble putting her eyes back in...
581
00:45:19,571 --> 00:45:22,597
before my wife came into the room.
582
00:45:22,707 --> 00:45:26,199
''How did her eyes get out?''
l don't know, dear, they just...
583
00:45:33,785 --> 00:45:39,485
l'm happy to announce also
that girls are much cleaner,
584
00:45:40,592 --> 00:45:43,186
they're much easier to deal with
585
00:45:43,295 --> 00:45:47,493
in terms of maturity
and what's expected of them.
586
00:45:47,599 --> 00:45:51,296
l have a son. He's 1 1 years old now,
587
00:45:51,403 --> 00:45:54,065
and l will tell you that
588
00:45:54,172 --> 00:45:59,633
l don't think that the boy
is going to live much longer.
589
00:46:05,650 --> 00:46:07,379
Now,
590
00:46:07,485 --> 00:46:11,819
it is not l, nor my wife,
591
00:46:11,923 --> 00:46:16,451
who are going to destroy this boy.
592
00:46:17,295 --> 00:46:21,061
He has four sisters,
two in front and two in back.
593
00:46:22,367 --> 00:46:26,929
They have had a meeting about him.
594
00:46:29,174 --> 00:46:33,042
And l listened to the meeting-
they didn't know.
595
00:46:33,144 --> 00:46:36,580
And even the four-year-old was hostile.
596
00:46:37,615 --> 00:46:40,015
They're going to kill him.
597
00:46:43,154 --> 00:46:48,683
l didn't know
how serious it is to a female
598
00:46:48,793 --> 00:46:50,954
that you lift the lid.
599
00:46:57,068 --> 00:47:02,165
But these women are serious
about killing him
600
00:47:02,240 --> 00:47:05,698
the next time he leaves that lid down.
601
00:47:09,180 --> 00:47:13,708
See, the only problem l have
with him is he won't zip up his fly.
602
00:47:13,818 --> 00:47:18,312
That bothers me. You know, it's almost
a sign of someone who's not intelligent.
603
00:47:18,423 --> 00:47:23,087
You walk around with your fly open.
You say, ''Son, zipper.'' ''Oh, yes.'' Zip.
604
00:47:23,194 --> 00:47:26,493
But that didn't bother me. Once
l went to pick him up at school
605
00:47:26,598 --> 00:47:30,762
and his class let out
and there's about 1 8 1 1 -year-olds,
606
00:47:30,869 --> 00:47:34,566
and l mean, all of them,
they had their fly down.
607
00:47:35,607 --> 00:47:37,871
So l didn't worry about my son.
608
00:47:37,976 --> 00:47:41,070
Must be some class thing, you know.
609
00:47:45,750 --> 00:47:47,718
But, as l said before,
610
00:47:47,819 --> 00:47:52,984
we found out an awful lot
about God and his sense of humor.
611
00:47:53,091 --> 00:47:56,959
The mother's curse works.
My wife and l have five children
612
00:47:57,061 --> 00:47:59,495
and the reason why
we have five children
613
00:47:59,597 --> 00:48:02,589
is because we do not want six.
614
00:48:08,873 --> 00:48:13,810
And those we have,
we want to get out of the house
615
00:48:13,912 --> 00:48:16,437
before we die.
616
00:48:16,548 --> 00:48:18,743
Just to get them out.
617
00:48:20,718 --> 00:48:25,781
My wife was a beautiful woman
618
00:48:25,890 --> 00:48:28,256
before the children came.
619
00:48:28,359 --> 00:48:32,420
l've never met a more
beautiful-looking woman,
620
00:48:32,530 --> 00:48:36,728
in the face, in the body
and in the mind, than my wife.
621
00:48:36,835 --> 00:48:38,962
Then the children came
622
00:48:39,070 --> 00:48:44,702
and that curse began to take its toll.
623
00:48:46,611 --> 00:48:50,103
My wife's face began to change.
624
00:48:50,215 --> 00:48:54,242
The corners of her mouth
dropped down,
625
00:48:54,352 --> 00:48:57,844
and when she talked,
her eyebrows went up and down
626
00:48:57,956 --> 00:49:01,289
and her right hand became deformed.
627
00:49:01,392 --> 00:49:03,553
When she talked,
she shook her finger like this:
628
00:49:03,661 --> 00:49:06,630
(indistinct scolding)
629
00:49:09,067 --> 00:49:13,197
That's what the curse did to her.
But the reason why the curse works
630
00:49:13,304 --> 00:49:18,469
is because all children
have brain damage.
631
00:49:18,576 --> 00:49:21,545
And that's what makes
the parent's face look like that.
632
00:49:21,646 --> 00:49:24,513
Now, those of you who have
no children, let me describe
633
00:49:24,616 --> 00:49:28,245
the brain damage. You come
in the room with a Coca Cola,
634
00:49:28,353 --> 00:49:30,844
you set it down,
you go to get a newspaper.
635
00:49:30,955 --> 00:49:34,288
Child comes walking in,
grabs the drink, starts to...
636
00:49:34,392 --> 00:49:37,884
You say, ''Give me that.
Didn't l just tell you not to drink it?''
637
00:49:37,996 --> 00:49:41,727
The child says, ''Uh-huh.''
You say, ''What did l just say?''
638
00:49:41,833 --> 00:49:45,963
(imitating child) ''You said
for to not for to drink your drink.''
639
00:49:46,070 --> 00:49:48,231
So every time l tell you that,
don't l? l say,
640
00:49:48,339 --> 00:49:51,069
''When l have a drink, don't you drink it.
Don't l say that?''
641
00:49:51,175 --> 00:49:54,235
''Uh-huh.'' Now tell me what l said.
642
00:49:54,345 --> 00:49:57,280
(imitating child) ''You said
for to not for to drink your drink.''
643
00:49:57,382 --> 00:49:59,577
That's right!
644
00:49:59,684 --> 00:50:04,018
So you put it down, you go to get
the paper, the child picks it up again.
645
00:50:04,122 --> 00:50:06,215
And quickly starts to drink it.
646
00:50:06,324 --> 00:50:09,418
You say, ''Give me that!
Didn't l just tell you?''
647
00:50:09,527 --> 00:50:11,654
''Uh-huh.''
648
00:50:11,763 --> 00:50:16,200
Well, why did you do it? ''l don't know.''
649
00:50:16,301 --> 00:50:18,861
Well, that's brain damage!
650
00:50:19,837 --> 00:50:23,102
lf you know you're not supposed
to do something and you do it
651
00:50:23,207 --> 00:50:27,143
and then people say, ''Why did you
do it?'' and you say, ''l don't know.''
652
00:50:27,245 --> 00:50:29,213
Brain damage.
653
00:50:29,314 --> 00:50:32,010
And that's what parents
have to deal with all day.
654
00:50:32,116 --> 00:50:36,985
That's all you see, people,
''l don't know, l don't know, l don't know.''
655
00:50:37,088 --> 00:50:40,182
You get two people in the house
and they start to yell,
656
00:50:41,125 --> 00:50:44,561
''Will you stop touching me?
Will you stop touching me?''
657
00:50:44,662 --> 00:50:48,189
And you have to get up
and go find out what's going on.
658
00:50:48,299 --> 00:50:53,396
So you run over and you say, ''What's
going on?'' ''Well, she's touching me.''
659
00:50:53,504 --> 00:50:57,702
So you figure you can solve it.
''Look, don't touch her anymore, OK?''
660
00:50:57,809 --> 00:51:02,644
''Yeah, but she touched me first.''
You say, ''Well, why didn't you tell her--''
661
00:51:02,747 --> 00:51:06,444
Now you're talking like them. ''Why
didn't you say you touched her first?''
662
00:51:06,551 --> 00:51:09,748
''l didn't touch her.''
Somebody touched her!
663
00:51:09,854 --> 00:51:13,813
So you say something brilliant, like,
''Look, l don't want anybody in this house
664
00:51:13,925 --> 00:51:16,951
to touch another person
as long as you live.''
665
00:51:18,663 --> 00:51:21,689
And that's why people
look the way they look.
666
00:51:24,636 --> 00:51:27,298
My parents never smiled,
667
00:51:27,405 --> 00:51:30,340
because l had brain damage.
668
00:51:32,010 --> 00:51:36,379
My wife and l don't smile
because our children are loaded with it.
669
00:51:38,449 --> 00:51:40,815
Oh, my parents smile now,
670
00:51:40,918 --> 00:51:44,513
whenever they come over to my house
671
00:51:44,622 --> 00:51:47,750
and they see how much
trouble l'm having.
672
00:51:47,859 --> 00:51:49,918
Oh, they have a ball.
673
00:51:51,029 --> 00:51:54,328
''Having a little trouble, huh, son?''
674
00:51:58,803 --> 00:52:03,365
l mean, l never thought that l
would sound like other parents,
675
00:52:03,474 --> 00:52:06,500
people l've heard
who are ridiculous-sounding,
676
00:52:06,611 --> 00:52:10,274
or were, before l had children.
677
00:52:10,948 --> 00:52:14,042
l mean, you call a child, you
say, ''Come here, come here.''
678
00:52:14,152 --> 00:52:16,643
No, they don't hear that. They're gone.
679
00:52:16,754 --> 00:52:19,188
You say, ''Come here.'' They're just:
680
00:52:21,259 --> 00:52:24,558
So you have to send
a barrage of ''here''s after them.
681
00:52:24,662 --> 00:52:27,062
''Come here, come here,
come here, come here,
682
00:52:27,165 --> 00:52:29,463
come here! Here!''
683
00:52:35,440 --> 00:52:38,841
Sound like a tobacco auctioneer.
684
00:52:39,811 --> 00:52:43,838
(rapidly) Sit down, sit down,
sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit!
685
00:52:48,352 --> 00:52:51,947
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
686
00:52:53,324 --> 00:52:55,690
Here, here, here. Here!
687
00:52:57,528 --> 00:52:59,496
Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it,
688
00:52:59,597 --> 00:53:02,259
stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it!
689
00:53:09,741 --> 00:53:14,678
l used to think that
my father was an idiot
690
00:53:15,613 --> 00:53:20,949
because the man could not
complete a full sentence.
691
00:53:21,052 --> 00:53:25,648
l now understand
why he sounded that way.
692
00:53:25,757 --> 00:53:29,056
See, when you're a father,
you censor yourself.
693
00:53:29,160 --> 00:53:32,391
You try not to curse.
You get just as angry with a child
694
00:53:32,497 --> 00:53:36,058
and you don't want to say
''What the filth and l'll bust your filth
695
00:53:36,167 --> 00:53:41,036
''and foul and l'll filth your face
and yeah, you filthin' foul foul filth
696
00:53:41,139 --> 00:53:45,337
and l'll filth in your foul filth.''
You don't want to say that to a child
697
00:53:45,443 --> 00:53:48,537
so you censor yourself
and you sound like an idiot.
698
00:53:48,646 --> 00:53:50,705
Say, what the...
699
00:53:51,048 --> 00:53:53,278
Get your...
700
00:53:53,551 --> 00:53:55,519
l'll put a...
701
00:53:56,954 --> 00:53:59,286
Get out of my face!
702
00:54:10,568 --> 00:54:13,093
So you... my wife...
703
00:54:14,772 --> 00:54:17,434
See, mothers look like this.
704
00:54:18,476 --> 00:54:21,445
Fathers have a different look.
Theirs is like:
705
00:54:28,186 --> 00:54:32,953
And fathers always say the same
thing: ''Where's your mother?''
706
00:54:45,870 --> 00:54:50,967
l flew from Hartford, Connecticut
to Las Vegas
707
00:54:51,075 --> 00:54:54,306
just within the last...
708
00:54:54,412 --> 00:54:56,380
few years.
709
00:54:59,617 --> 00:55:04,077
l will never forget a mother,
710
00:55:04,188 --> 00:55:06,418
aged 30 through...
711
00:55:08,292 --> 00:55:12,524
Got on the plane.
Very attractive-looking woman,
712
00:55:12,630 --> 00:55:15,497
well-built, lovely face,
713
00:55:15,600 --> 00:55:19,627
hair put up in a bun, sprayed heavily.
714
00:55:21,539 --> 00:55:25,771
Earrings, looking very
upper-middle income.
715
00:55:25,877 --> 00:55:28,710
Gold on the fingers.
716
00:55:28,813 --> 00:55:33,113
And she had with her little Jeffrey.
717
00:55:34,819 --> 00:55:40,348
Jeffrey's (imitating child) four years old.
(in normal voice) l know that because
718
00:55:40,458 --> 00:55:42,653
Jeffrey kept walking around the plane,
719
00:55:42,760 --> 00:55:46,526
just anybody, he'd say,
''l'm four years old.
720
00:55:47,198 --> 00:55:49,257
''l'm four-l'm four years old.
721
00:55:49,367 --> 00:55:53,997
l was three, but now l'm four years old.''
722
00:55:54,105 --> 00:55:56,130
Little Jeffrey.
723
00:55:56,240 --> 00:56:00,336
l remember his name, not because
he said to me, ''l'm four years old,''
724
00:56:00,678 --> 00:56:05,274
but because Jeffrey's mother
said his name
725
00:56:05,383 --> 00:56:09,217
all 2,500 miles of the trip.
726
00:56:11,555 --> 00:56:15,548
Nobody on first class could
sleep because the woman,
727
00:56:15,660 --> 00:56:17,685
''Jeffrey, will you get down.
728
00:56:17,795 --> 00:56:20,730
''Jeffrey, don't do that,
Jeffrey, come over here.
729
00:56:20,831 --> 00:56:22,992
''Look at what you've done,
Jeffrey, you've kicked the...
730
00:56:23,100 --> 00:56:25,466
''Jeffrey, will you please...
Jeffrey, put your jacket...
731
00:56:25,569 --> 00:56:27,161
Don't do that, Jeffrey...''
732
00:56:27,271 --> 00:56:30,468
Jeffrey would stand up in the chair
and look at the little man behind.
733
00:56:30,574 --> 00:56:33,065
''l'm four years old.''
734
00:56:33,177 --> 00:56:37,477
Nobody could sleep 'cause Jeffrey's up.
He'd get out, she'd let him run around.
735
00:56:37,581 --> 00:56:40,482
He'd run around with chocolate
on his hands, put it on your trousers.
736
00:56:40,584 --> 00:56:41,744
''l'm four years old.''
737
00:56:41,852 --> 00:56:44,320
''Jeffrey, don't you see
what you've done to the man,
738
00:56:44,422 --> 00:56:48,290
Jeffrey, go to... Sit down, Jeffrey.''
She'd sit him down, higher and higher.
739
00:56:48,392 --> 00:56:51,259
She'd lift him and hold him
and let him drop. Boom!
740
00:56:51,362 --> 00:56:54,798
''Jeffrey, Jeffrey,'' and Jeffrey would
(imitates crying)
741
00:56:54,899 --> 00:56:55,923
''Jeffrey, be quiet.''
742
00:56:56,033 --> 00:56:57,364
(imitates crying)
743
00:56:57,468 --> 00:57:00,926
And then Jeffrey would cough.
(imitates coughing)
744
00:57:02,039 --> 00:57:05,202
People began to hate Jeffrey.
745
00:57:06,477 --> 00:57:09,275
One gentlemen invited Jeffrey
into the men's room
746
00:57:09,380 --> 00:57:12,008
to play with the blue water.
747
00:57:18,489 --> 00:57:23,392
Emotionally,
people began to fear Jeffrey,
748
00:57:23,494 --> 00:57:25,462
and nobody slept.
749
00:57:26,864 --> 00:57:30,698
Five minutes before the plane landed,
750
00:57:30,801 --> 00:57:33,634
Jeffrey fell asleep.
751
00:57:36,507 --> 00:57:41,410
And grown people in first class
took great delight,
752
00:57:41,512 --> 00:57:43,673
as they walked out,
753
00:57:43,781 --> 00:57:48,878
in waking Jeffrey up. ''Goodbye, Jeffrey!''
754
00:57:48,986 --> 00:57:50,954
(imitates crying)
755
00:57:51,055 --> 00:57:54,149
And they'd laugh. (maniacal laughing)
756
00:57:54,258 --> 00:57:59,321
Sounding like Renfield.
(maniacal laughing)
757
00:58:02,633 --> 00:58:05,033
And Jeffrey's mother,
758
00:58:05,136 --> 00:58:07,969
hair mangled
759
00:58:08,072 --> 00:58:13,442
and just hanging by
the ball that was sprayed,
760
00:58:13,544 --> 00:58:16,672
and the mascara had run
761
00:58:16,781 --> 00:58:20,877
and the lines caused by her anger
762
00:58:20,985 --> 00:58:23,613
gone deeper into her face.
763
00:58:23,721 --> 00:58:25,489
She looked much older,
764
00:58:25,489 --> 00:58:26,513
She looked much older,
765
00:58:26,624 --> 00:58:29,457
and she looked tired.
766
00:58:29,560 --> 00:58:31,619
She picked Jeffrey up.
767
00:58:31,729 --> 00:58:36,598
Jeffrey's little limp,
sleeping body twitched.
768
00:58:37,935 --> 00:58:39,903
She carried him off.
769
00:58:40,004 --> 00:58:43,701
There at the end of the runway,
at the end of the ramp, rather,
770
00:58:43,808 --> 00:58:47,869
was Jeffrey's father,
smiling, well-tanned,
771
00:58:47,978 --> 00:58:52,438
little red, white and blue
checkered golf pants on,
772
00:58:52,550 --> 00:58:55,144
short-sleeved shirt.
773
00:58:55,252 --> 00:58:59,712
And Jeffrey's mother
handed Jeffrey to the father
774
00:58:59,824 --> 00:59:03,055
and punched him dead in the face.
775
00:59:13,337 --> 00:59:15,498
We don't know why.
776
00:59:16,540 --> 00:59:19,475
Jeffrey's such a lovely child.
777
00:59:21,879 --> 00:59:24,245
But you see, they're brain damaged.
778
00:59:25,916 --> 00:59:30,250
Children doing things:
''Will you stop touching me?''
779
00:59:30,354 --> 00:59:34,814
Psychologists write about
a two-year-old child.
780
00:59:34,925 --> 00:59:38,793
lt's not a two-year-old child
that says ''no'' that bothers me.
781
00:59:38,896 --> 00:59:42,457
lf l can't control that,
l might as well give it up.
782
00:59:42,566 --> 00:59:46,696
You say to a kid, ''Come here,''
they say, ''No, you go get it,'' that's yes.
783
00:59:49,940 --> 00:59:54,468
People don't understand children,
especially people who have no children.
784
00:59:54,578 --> 00:59:58,446
A person with no children says,
''Well, l just love children.''
785
00:59:58,549 --> 01:00:00,517
You say, ''Why?''
786
01:00:01,719 --> 01:00:04,654
And they say,
''Because the child is so truthful.
787
01:00:04,755 --> 01:00:09,021
Children are truthful, that's what
l love about them, they say the truth.''
788
01:00:09,126 --> 01:00:11,526
That's a lie!
789
01:00:11,629 --> 01:00:13,995
l got five of them.
790
01:00:14,098 --> 01:00:17,625
The only time they tell the truth
is if they're having pain.
791
01:00:20,671 --> 01:00:26,075
You get a 1 5-month-old child,
knows when to lie.
792
01:00:27,311 --> 01:00:32,442
You see, the child crawls into
the cupboard to get its favorite cookie.
793
01:00:32,550 --> 01:00:35,485
1 5-month-old child
knows where the cupboard is,
794
01:00:35,586 --> 01:00:38,646
knows where its favorite cookie is,
and it will open it up
795
01:00:38,756 --> 01:00:40,883
and sit down and take the cookie
and you go over.
796
01:00:40,991 --> 01:00:44,552
You try to get the cookie from the child,
which is also a contest.
797
01:00:44,662 --> 01:00:49,497
''Here, let me have it.'' l've tried to
take things away from grown people,
798
01:00:49,600 --> 01:00:53,366
l've never had them say, ''Will you
let me have... Give me that thing.
799
01:00:53,470 --> 01:00:57,236
Here, let me have...
l tell you, let me have that thing.''
800
01:00:57,341 --> 01:01:02,074
But here, a 1 5-month-old child
is able to do this and l can't grab it.
801
01:01:03,113 --> 01:01:06,480
''Here, will you let me have,
will you give that thing to me?''
802
01:01:08,719 --> 01:01:13,053
So l take the cookie. And l take the box
803
01:01:13,157 --> 01:01:17,355
and l put the cookie in the box
and l say, ''You can't have this.
804
01:01:17,461 --> 01:01:21,397
You understand? l don't
want you to have the cookie.''
805
01:01:21,498 --> 01:01:22,465
Now...
806
01:01:25,736 --> 01:01:29,900
And l put it way up here.
807
01:01:30,174 --> 01:01:33,974
Now, this 1 5-month-old child,
after l've left the room,
808
01:01:34,078 --> 01:01:36,273
begins to build
809
01:01:37,681 --> 01:01:40,980
a very sophisticated ladder,
810
01:01:41,952 --> 01:01:44,853
climbs up the ladder,
811
01:01:49,593 --> 01:01:54,053
and begins to try to get the cookie.
812
01:01:55,099 --> 01:01:59,468
Now, you can hear the paper
rustling and that's in your favor
813
01:01:59,570 --> 01:02:05,440
because a 1 5-month-old child
doesn't know that sound travels.
814
01:02:07,511 --> 01:02:11,914
They're also not bright enough
to hire a lookout.
815
01:02:13,150 --> 01:02:17,086
So you hear the paper rattling
and you run
816
01:02:17,187 --> 01:02:22,022
and there's the child
standing there with the cookie.
817
01:02:22,126 --> 01:02:24,458
So you say, ''What are you doing?''
818
01:02:24,561 --> 01:02:29,123
Now, this honest child
looks at you and says,
819
01:02:29,233 --> 01:02:32,634
(imitating child) ''l was
getting a cookie for you.''
820
01:02:38,642 --> 01:02:41,042
So you say, ''l don't want a cookie!''
821
01:02:41,145 --> 01:02:44,706
So then they say, ''Well, can l have it?''
822
01:02:46,183 --> 01:02:48,617
Don't tell me about the truth!
823
01:02:53,891 --> 01:02:56,451
Why did you do it? ''l don't know.''
824
01:03:00,030 --> 01:03:03,158
l came home
from playing tennis one day,
825
01:03:03,267 --> 01:03:07,966
my wife sitting at the end of the table,
826
01:03:08,939 --> 01:03:10,907
like this:
827
01:03:13,310 --> 01:03:18,714
So l said, ''Uh-oh.
Somebody's in trouble.''
828
01:03:18,816 --> 01:03:21,478
And l was concerned about myself.
829
01:03:25,723 --> 01:03:28,521
l'm not the boss of my house.
830
01:03:28,826 --> 01:03:31,556
l don't know how l lost it.
831
01:03:32,996 --> 01:03:36,090
l don't know where l lost it.
832
01:03:36,200 --> 01:03:38,600
l don't think l ever had it.
833
01:03:40,804 --> 01:03:45,537
But l've seen the boss's job
and l don't want it.
834
01:03:47,511 --> 01:03:51,845
'Cause that's a rough job,
dealing with those people all day.
835
01:03:51,949 --> 01:03:56,215
l mean, just dealing with them
for an hour is a mess.
836
01:03:57,087 --> 01:03:59,487
(imitating child) ''l don't know.''
837
01:04:01,258 --> 01:04:04,352
But you see, l'm a father,
838
01:04:04,461 --> 01:04:09,330
and fathers are
the geniuses of the house.
839
01:04:09,433 --> 01:04:13,267
We're the geniuses of the house
because only a person
840
01:04:13,370 --> 01:04:17,204
as intelligent as we
841
01:04:17,307 --> 01:04:20,435
could fake such stupidity.
842
01:04:24,948 --> 01:04:26,916
Think about your father.
843
01:04:27,017 --> 01:04:32,353
He doesn't know where anything is.
You ask him to do something,
844
01:04:32,456 --> 01:04:35,425
he messes it up
and your mother sends you down.
845
01:04:35,526 --> 01:04:37,994
''Will you go down
and see what your father's doing
846
01:04:38,095 --> 01:04:41,394
before he blows the house up, please.''
847
01:04:41,498 --> 01:04:43,864
That's a genius at work!
848
01:04:43,967 --> 01:04:47,095
Because he doesn't want to do it
849
01:04:47,204 --> 01:04:52,471
and he knows someone will be
coming soon to stop him from doing it.
850
01:04:59,750 --> 01:05:04,278
My wife woke me up
4:00 in the morning.
851
01:05:04,388 --> 01:05:08,791
She said, ''l want you to go downstairs
852
01:05:09,993 --> 01:05:15,192
and cook breakfast for the children.''
853
01:05:16,467 --> 01:05:19,698
And l looked at the clock.
854
01:05:21,305 --> 01:05:24,069
l said, ''Dear, it's 6:00 in the morning.''
855
01:05:24,174 --> 01:05:27,701
She said, ''Exactly. Go down
and cook for the children.
856
01:05:27,811 --> 01:05:29,779
They have to go to school.''
857
01:05:30,914 --> 01:05:35,351
l said, ''Yes, but to eat at 6:00,
858
01:05:35,452 --> 01:05:38,717
''isn't that bad for your stomach?
859
01:05:38,822 --> 01:05:42,087
l mean, they just ate 1 2 hours ago.''
860
01:05:43,193 --> 01:05:47,459
My wife said, ''Bill, get out of that bed
861
01:05:48,532 --> 01:05:51,160
''and go downstairs
862
01:05:51,268 --> 01:05:55,227
and cook breakfast for your children.''
863
01:05:58,375 --> 01:06:02,141
And l said, ''Well, l don't know
what they want to eat.''
864
01:06:02,212 --> 01:06:05,113
She said, ''lt's down there.
865
01:06:06,149 --> 01:06:09,641
Now you get out of the bed!''
866
01:06:11,154 --> 01:06:14,214
l said, ''But where are the pans?
867
01:06:14,324 --> 01:06:17,418
Do we have pans to cook with?''
868
01:06:17,528 --> 01:06:23,330
She said, ''Bill, l'm not
talking to you anymore.
869
01:06:23,433 --> 01:06:26,960
''You ask another stupid
question, so help me God,
870
01:06:27,070 --> 01:06:32,702
l'll get the shotgun out of the closet
and blow your face off!''
871
01:06:34,478 --> 01:06:39,074
So l said, ''Well, there's no need
to become violent about this.
872
01:06:40,684 --> 01:06:44,176
''You seem to be
having trouble intellectualizing
873
01:06:44,288 --> 01:06:47,519
on where the cooking apparel is.''
874
01:06:50,561 --> 01:06:53,689
So l fell back to sleep again.
875
01:06:56,099 --> 01:06:58,567
The next thing l knew,
876
01:06:58,669 --> 01:07:01,832
there was a bucket of ice water
877
01:07:02,739 --> 01:07:05,799
being shaken over my head,
878
01:07:06,843 --> 01:07:11,780
and this woman that l've been
married to for some 1 7 years
879
01:07:11,882 --> 01:07:14,783
was standing over me, like this:
880
01:07:17,487 --> 01:07:20,888
''Now you get up
and cook some breakfast
881
01:07:20,991 --> 01:07:25,018
or you're gonna wear
this bucket of ice water!''
882
01:07:27,097 --> 01:07:30,123
So l said, ''You're serious, aren't you?''
883
01:07:35,939 --> 01:07:37,907
So l got up.
884
01:07:38,108 --> 01:07:40,906
Needless to say, l was angry.
885
01:07:42,980 --> 01:07:46,916
And l went downstairs
without putting on my robe.
886
01:07:47,017 --> 01:07:51,215
Standing there in my pajamas
and l'm talking to myself.
887
01:07:51,321 --> 01:07:53,881
l said, ''Get these, go down
and cook breakfast,
888
01:07:53,991 --> 01:07:57,950
but it's 6:00 in the morning,''
and l slam the pans down.
889
01:07:58,061 --> 01:08:00,029
Blam! On the stove.
890
01:08:00,130 --> 01:08:03,964
And l slam 'em down
and go to the refrigerator
891
01:08:04,067 --> 01:08:08,003
and l look around and l get to
the damn bacon, and the sausage!
892
01:08:08,105 --> 01:08:12,439
Cooking breakfast, 6 o'blam
in the morning and l grab the--
893
01:08:12,542 --> 01:08:15,568
You have to be careful with eggs.
894
01:08:21,118 --> 01:08:24,884
God! l have to cook breakfast. Boom!
895
01:08:27,424 --> 01:08:29,756
l turn around.
896
01:08:31,094 --> 01:08:34,928
The first one down
was the four-year-old.
897
01:08:35,032 --> 01:08:38,866
The child looked lovely,
cute little face clean,
898
01:08:38,969 --> 01:08:43,872
hair in little braids,
little things, you know.
899
01:08:46,076 --> 01:08:49,375
(imitating child) ''Good morn', Daddy.''
900
01:08:49,479 --> 01:08:52,413
And l said, ''What do you
want for breakfast?!''
901
01:08:52,515 --> 01:08:57,283
And the four-year-old
has the ability to see through
902
01:08:57,386 --> 01:09:00,015
and find the wrong thing.
903
01:09:02,024 --> 01:09:07,520
And the child saw through
my body what was behind me.
904
01:09:07,631 --> 01:09:11,158
She saw the chocolate cake.
And she said,
905
01:09:11,268 --> 01:09:16,501
''Can l have the chocolate cake?''
And l said, ''Chocolate cake? Where?''
906
01:09:16,606 --> 01:09:19,871
She said, ''Chocolate cake behind you.''
907
01:09:19,975 --> 01:09:23,810
And l looked
and there was chocolate cake.
908
01:09:23,913 --> 01:09:28,908
The child wanted chocolate cake
for breakfast.
909
01:09:29,019 --> 01:09:30,854
How ridiculous. And l said...
910
01:09:30,854 --> 01:09:33,379
How ridiculous. And l said...
911
01:09:33,490 --> 01:09:37,118
and someone in my brain looked
under ''chocolate cake''
912
01:09:37,227 --> 01:09:41,254
and saw the ingredients: eggs!
913
01:09:41,363 --> 01:09:44,765
Eggs are in chocolate cake!
914
01:09:44,868 --> 01:09:47,098
And milk!
915
01:09:47,203 --> 01:09:49,171
Oh, goody!
916
01:09:49,272 --> 01:09:51,502
And wheat!
917
01:09:51,608 --> 01:09:55,476
That's nutrition. What do you want?
918
01:09:55,579 --> 01:09:58,878
- ''Can l have some chocolate cake?''
- Chocolate cake, coming up!
919
01:09:58,982 --> 01:10:00,142
(imitates slicing)
920
01:10:00,250 --> 01:10:03,413
Sliced it for her and served it.
921
01:10:03,520 --> 01:10:06,421
Now, you need something to
drink with the chocolate cake,
922
01:10:06,523 --> 01:10:08,718
something breakfast.
923
01:10:08,825 --> 01:10:12,784
- Grapefruit juice!
- (woman in audience) No-o-o!
924
01:10:14,197 --> 01:10:16,688
This is not your child!
925
01:10:21,204 --> 01:10:24,469
So l give the child
a glass of grapefruit juice
926
01:10:24,574 --> 01:10:27,509
and chocolate cake. Nutrition!
927
01:10:27,611 --> 01:10:32,947
Eggs, milk and wheat
in the chocolate cake,
928
01:10:33,049 --> 01:10:37,110
and l didn't have to cook.
929
01:10:37,220 --> 01:10:39,711
And the other four came downstairs
930
01:10:39,823 --> 01:10:43,953
and when they came downstairs,
those of you who have children,
931
01:10:44,060 --> 01:10:48,588
you've seen them
come downstairs for school:
932
01:10:48,698 --> 01:10:51,667
(imitating sluggish children)
933
01:10:58,041 --> 01:11:02,171
And they got to the kitchen:
(imitating sluggish children)
934
01:11:04,714 --> 01:11:09,651
and they saw the four-year-old
eating chocolate cake.
935
01:11:12,422 --> 01:11:16,620
And they said ''Dad!
936
01:11:17,694 --> 01:11:20,458
Where did she get the chocolate cake?''
937
01:11:20,564 --> 01:11:23,533
They went to the child and said,
''How did you get chocolate cake?''
938
01:11:23,633 --> 01:11:28,070
She said,
''Dad gave me chocolate cake.''
939
01:11:28,171 --> 01:11:31,402
And they looked at me and they said...
940
01:11:31,508 --> 01:11:33,476
(in pleading voice) ''Father...
941
01:11:38,215 --> 01:11:41,343
could we have chocolate cake?''
942
01:11:42,385 --> 01:11:47,345
And their father said, ''Chocolate cake
coming up! Four slices.''
943
01:11:47,457 --> 01:11:49,425
(imitates slicing sound)
944
01:11:50,760 --> 01:11:53,126
And grapefruit juice.
945
01:11:53,230 --> 01:11:56,791
And five children sat at breakfast.
946
01:11:58,235 --> 01:12:02,001
And the morning music was playing:
(imitates bass guitar)
947
01:12:02,105 --> 01:12:04,903
And they were eating chocolate cake.
948
01:12:06,843 --> 01:12:08,936
And singing songs to me:
949
01:12:09,045 --> 01:12:11,513
d Dad is great!
950
01:12:13,750 --> 01:12:16,583
d Gave us the chocolate cake!
951
01:12:19,723 --> 01:12:24,183
And we had a ball, until...
952
01:12:35,739 --> 01:12:39,470
She came down like this:
953
01:12:42,412 --> 01:12:46,849
And when she saw
what the children were eating...
954
01:12:48,318 --> 01:12:53,847
l've always heard about
people having a conniption,
955
01:12:55,859 --> 01:12:58,157
but l'd never seen one.
956
01:12:59,195 --> 01:13:02,028
You don't want to see 'em.
957
01:13:02,132 --> 01:13:04,430
My wife's face...
958
01:13:06,436 --> 01:13:08,404
split.
959
01:13:09,839 --> 01:13:14,776
The skin and hair split
and came off of her face
960
01:13:14,878 --> 01:13:19,144
so that there was nothing
except the skull
961
01:13:19,249 --> 01:13:23,413
and orange light came out of her hair
962
01:13:23,520 --> 01:13:26,080
and it lit all around
963
01:13:26,189 --> 01:13:29,852
and fire shot from her eye sockets
964
01:13:29,960 --> 01:13:34,124
and began to burn my stomach
and she said
965
01:13:34,230 --> 01:13:39,532
(in screechy voice) ''Where did
they get chocolate cake from?!''
966
01:13:39,636 --> 01:13:43,231
And l said, ''They asked for it!''
967
01:13:43,340 --> 01:13:48,573
And the children who had
been singing praises to me
968
01:13:48,678 --> 01:13:51,875
lied on me
969
01:13:51,982 --> 01:13:54,314
and said, ''Uh-uh!
970
01:13:54,417 --> 01:13:57,875
''We asked for eggs and milk
971
01:13:57,988 --> 01:14:01,219
and Dad made us eat this!''
972
01:14:10,000 --> 01:14:15,302
And my wife sent me to my room.
973
01:14:18,174 --> 01:14:22,133
Which is where l wanted
to go in the first place.
974
01:14:25,749 --> 01:14:29,480
So you see, we are dumb,
975
01:14:30,286 --> 01:14:33,153
but we are not so dumb.
976
01:14:34,457 --> 01:14:39,394
lt takes great thinking and work
to keep from working.
977
01:14:43,133 --> 01:14:45,897
But the brain-damaged people
978
01:14:47,904 --> 01:14:50,668
drive your face...
979
01:14:52,876 --> 01:14:56,368
Why did you do that?
(imitating child) ''l don't know.''
980
01:14:56,479 --> 01:14:59,937
Sometimes you hear it in your sleep.
981
01:15:00,050 --> 01:15:02,143
''l don't know.''
982
01:15:05,588 --> 01:15:07,886
We have a three-year-old.
983
01:15:09,292 --> 01:15:12,022
Everything she wants,
984
01:15:12,128 --> 01:15:15,529
she thinks it's all right just to take it.
985
01:15:16,733 --> 01:15:20,635
Well, sometimes it
belongs to someone else.
986
01:15:20,737 --> 01:15:26,141
So the others say, ''Give this
back. This belongs to me.''
987
01:15:26,242 --> 01:15:31,441
And the three-year-old says,
(piercing voice) ''Mine! Mine! Mine!''
988
01:15:32,182 --> 01:15:36,312
And this sound travels
through the house
989
01:15:37,787 --> 01:15:43,726
and the vibrations seek out
a grown person's spinal cord
990
01:15:46,196 --> 01:15:51,862
and it makes the legs go up
and down and you have to get up
991
01:15:51,968 --> 01:15:55,699
and find out where
the sound is coming from.
992
01:15:55,805 --> 01:15:57,773
(piercing voice) ''Mine! Mine!''
993
01:15:57,874 --> 01:16:01,139
And you see this child
pulling on something and yelling,
994
01:16:01,244 --> 01:16:03,474
(piercing voice) ''Mine!''
And at the end of it
995
01:16:03,580 --> 01:16:06,413
is an older child mumbling,
''No, you got this out of my room.''
996
01:16:06,516 --> 01:16:10,577
And you go up quickly
and you hit the older child.
997
01:16:10,687 --> 01:16:14,418
''Why don't you lay off?
Don't you hear her yelling?!''
998
01:16:14,524 --> 01:16:18,358
Because parents are not
interested in justice...
999
01:16:18,461 --> 01:16:20,622
they want quiet.
1000
01:16:28,171 --> 01:16:31,902
The older child ran off crying
and l said, ''Just shut up!
1001
01:16:32,008 --> 01:16:35,944
''She's got stuff that belongs to me, too!
1002
01:16:39,382 --> 01:16:42,977
Think you're by yourself
in this, you're crazy!''
1003
01:16:49,292 --> 01:16:53,092
l came home from playing tennis,
as l said before.
1004
01:16:54,197 --> 01:16:56,791
My wife was like this,
1005
01:16:56,900 --> 01:17:00,631
and l was hoping that l wasn't the one
1006
01:17:00,737 --> 01:17:03,934
she was looking like that about.
1007
01:17:04,040 --> 01:17:07,498
And l went up to her
and l kissed her on the cheek.
1008
01:17:07,610 --> 01:17:10,477
l said, ''How you feeling, Pud?''
1009
01:17:10,580 --> 01:17:13,640
She said, ''l want you...
1010
01:17:13,750 --> 01:17:16,742
''to go upstairs...
1011
01:17:18,922 --> 01:17:22,119
and kill that boy.''
1012
01:17:26,362 --> 01:17:29,889
And l said, ''Right!''
1013
01:17:29,999 --> 01:17:34,459
'Cause l was happy
l wasn't the one in trouble.
1014
01:17:34,571 --> 01:17:36,903
Kill the boy, kill the boy.
1015
01:17:37,006 --> 01:17:39,065
Yes, master. Yes, master.
1016
01:17:39,175 --> 01:17:43,043
(maniacal laughter)
1017
01:17:43,146 --> 01:17:46,309
So l go to kill my son.
1018
01:17:46,416 --> 01:17:48,384
He was in the room,
1019
01:17:48,484 --> 01:17:53,786
looking pitiful. And l can understand that
1020
01:17:53,890 --> 01:17:57,223
because my mother sent me
to the room many times.
1021
01:17:57,327 --> 01:18:01,821
''Your father comes home, he's going
to shoot you in the face with a bazooka.
1022
01:18:03,099 --> 01:18:06,500
''And l am not going to
stop him this time, either.
1023
01:18:06,603 --> 01:18:10,664
''You know, he's always
wanted to kill you.
1024
01:18:10,773 --> 01:18:13,674
''The day you were born,
he said, 'Kill it.'
1025
01:18:14,611 --> 01:18:18,604
''l stopped him from
killing you for 1 1 years.
1026
01:18:23,052 --> 01:18:27,716
(sobbing) And this is the thanks
l get for saving your life!''
1027
01:18:30,293 --> 01:18:32,261
(sniffs)
1028
01:18:34,497 --> 01:18:38,490
l looked at him, l said,
1029
01:18:38,601 --> 01:18:41,468
''Your mother sent me here to kill you.''
1030
01:18:43,172 --> 01:18:45,402
He said, ''Uh-huh.''
1031
01:18:49,045 --> 01:18:52,014
l looked at him
1032
01:18:52,115 --> 01:18:56,142
and l noticed that on top of his head,
1033
01:18:57,453 --> 01:19:01,890
from here all the way around to here,
1034
01:19:02,792 --> 01:19:05,818
there was no hair.
1035
01:19:11,501 --> 01:19:13,901
So l said, ''Uh...
1036
01:19:16,606 --> 01:19:18,870
son.''
1037
01:19:18,975 --> 01:19:20,943
Called him son...
1038
01:19:22,679 --> 01:19:24,647
l said,
1039
01:19:26,749 --> 01:19:29,980
''What happened to your hair?''
1040
01:19:30,920 --> 01:19:33,354
He said, ''l don't know.''
1041
01:19:40,730 --> 01:19:45,690
l said, ''Son, take your hand
1042
01:19:45,802 --> 01:19:48,999
''and put it on top of your head
1043
01:19:49,105 --> 01:19:51,539
and tell me what you feel.''
1044
01:19:53,176 --> 01:19:55,872
He said, ''There's no hair.''
1045
01:19:55,978 --> 01:19:58,071
l said, ''Right!
1046
01:19:58,181 --> 01:20:03,346
Now tell Dad
what happened to your hair.''
1047
01:20:03,453 --> 01:20:06,047
He said, ''l don't know.''
1048
01:20:06,155 --> 01:20:08,885
l said, ''Son,
1049
01:20:08,991 --> 01:20:13,792
was your head with you all day today?''
1050
01:20:17,533 --> 01:20:19,592
He said, ''Uh-huh.''
1051
01:20:20,970 --> 01:20:24,906
- l said, ''Did you cut your hair off?''
- He said, ''Uh-huh.''
1052
01:20:25,007 --> 01:20:27,134
l said, ''Then why
didn't you tell me that?''
1053
01:20:27,243 --> 01:20:30,110
He said, ''l don't know.''
1054
01:20:31,080 --> 01:20:34,106
l said, ''ls this the hairstyle you wanted?''
1055
01:20:34,217 --> 01:20:36,412
He said, ''Uh-huh.''
1056
01:20:36,519 --> 01:20:39,682
l said, ''A reversed Mohawk?!''
1057
01:20:42,692 --> 01:20:46,788
So l went back downstairs,
my wife said, ''Did you kill him?''
1058
01:20:46,896 --> 01:20:50,957
l said, ''No.'' She said, ''Why?''
l said, ''l don't know.''
1059
01:21:07,483 --> 01:21:10,782
Are you guys married?
Oh, yeah? How long?
1060
01:21:10,887 --> 01:21:14,050
- (man) Three years.
- Three years. Yeah.
1061
01:21:14,157 --> 01:21:17,854
And you're still holding hands?
1062
01:21:17,960 --> 01:21:20,360
Weird people.
1063
01:21:25,568 --> 01:21:27,160
- Are you married?
- (man #2) Yeah.
1064
01:21:27,270 --> 01:21:30,103
- How many years?
- (man #2) 35.
1065
01:21:30,206 --> 01:21:32,697
35? Where's your wife?
1066
01:21:32,809 --> 01:21:34,777
(audience laughing)
1067
01:21:52,728 --> 01:21:54,923
l found out that
1068
01:21:56,432 --> 01:22:01,961
the male does not
pay attention to the vows.
1069
01:22:02,071 --> 01:22:05,040
The male does not
pay attention to those vows.
1070
01:22:05,141 --> 01:22:07,109
The female does.
1071
01:22:07,210 --> 01:22:10,805
See, you ask a male, you say, um,
1072
01:22:10,913 --> 01:22:13,677
''Can you repeat the part with the vows?
1073
01:22:13,783 --> 01:22:17,082
''No, not 'Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here to witness
1074
01:22:17,186 --> 01:22:19,848
'in all the face and the thing...'''
you know...
1075
01:22:21,157 --> 01:22:22,291
But l do duly, doth-ly, solely...
1076
01:22:22,291 --> 01:22:26,125
But l do duly, doth-ly, solely...
1077
01:22:27,797 --> 01:22:31,995
promise... to! to!
1078
01:22:32,101 --> 01:22:35,434
promise to cherish...
1079
01:22:36,372 --> 01:22:38,932
The male can remember cherish.
1080
01:22:39,041 --> 01:22:42,602
The male can remember honor,
1081
01:22:42,712 --> 01:22:44,976
love and then you say, ''What else?''
1082
01:22:45,081 --> 01:22:49,040
and they say, ''Till death do us part.''
1083
01:22:49,151 --> 01:22:52,746
Now when you ask the female,
you say, ''Do you remember the vows?''
1084
01:22:52,855 --> 01:22:55,483
She says, ''Yes.'' You say,
''Well, what do you remember?''
1085
01:22:55,591 --> 01:22:57,821
She says, ''Obey.''
1086
01:23:01,430 --> 01:23:04,729
You say, ''What about it?''
She say, ''Well, he's obeying.
1087
01:23:04,834 --> 01:23:07,166
And he better obey.''
1088
01:23:09,171 --> 01:23:13,540
And that is how you become the boss,
1089
01:23:14,443 --> 01:23:19,642
because you get the male to obey.
He's got to obey.
1090
01:23:19,749 --> 01:23:24,083
l mean, he just doesn't
have anything else to do.
1091
01:23:24,186 --> 01:23:25,380
Obey.
1092
01:23:25,488 --> 01:23:27,854
And it's a funny-sounding word, obey.
1093
01:23:27,957 --> 01:23:30,016
Sounds like pig Latin.
1094
01:23:31,627 --> 01:23:33,254
Obey.
1095
01:23:33,362 --> 01:23:35,330
Obey.
1096
01:23:36,432 --> 01:23:39,026
Oh, yea, obey.
1097
01:23:41,537 --> 01:23:45,633
Anyway, my wife is the boss
1098
01:23:46,742 --> 01:23:49,074
and as l said before, l don't want her job,
1099
01:23:49,178 --> 01:23:53,114
l've seen it. lt's a horrible job.
1100
01:23:53,215 --> 01:23:57,515
And l still don't understand
how she's going to outlive me.
1101
01:24:02,491 --> 01:24:05,460
'Cause anybody who's
gotta deal emotionally
1102
01:24:05,561 --> 01:24:09,463
with those people
and can still outlive me,
1103
01:24:09,565 --> 01:24:12,534
there's something wrong with me.
l must be sick.
1104
01:24:16,372 --> 01:24:19,364
Let me give you an example
of what l call,
1105
01:24:19,475 --> 01:24:22,706
''the same thing happens every night.''
1106
01:24:25,114 --> 01:24:28,481
lt's supper time.
Do you have children? How old?
1107
01:24:28,584 --> 01:24:30,882
- (man) They're grown now.
- They're grown now.
1108
01:24:30,987 --> 01:24:33,820
But how many did you have? Two. OK.
1109
01:24:33,923 --> 01:24:36,517
That qualifies. That qualifies.
1110
01:24:36,626 --> 01:24:40,323
Because a person with one child,
l don't call them really a parent
1111
01:24:40,429 --> 01:24:42,795
because there are
too many things left out.
1112
01:24:42,898 --> 01:24:45,765
lf you just have one child,
there are too many things left out.
1113
01:24:45,868 --> 01:24:49,668
For instance, if something's
broken in the house,
1114
01:24:49,772 --> 01:24:53,731
you have one child, you know who did it.
1115
01:24:55,211 --> 01:24:57,179
See, you don't have to go through
1116
01:24:57,279 --> 01:24:59,941
(imitating child) ''l-l-l...''
1117
01:25:01,017 --> 01:25:03,485
You know the child did it.
1118
01:25:05,021 --> 01:25:07,956
Also, people with one child
do not have to go through,
1119
01:25:08,057 --> 01:25:11,117
''Will you stop touching me?''
1120
01:25:11,227 --> 01:25:13,559
lf you got one child
and the child's doing that,
1121
01:25:13,663 --> 01:25:16,427
then you got to take it away, you know.
1122
01:25:29,145 --> 01:25:34,344
Now the same thing
happens every night.
1123
01:25:35,151 --> 01:25:37,676
We have five children.
They sit in the center.
1124
01:25:37,787 --> 01:25:40,415
My wife is at this end, l'm at this end.
1125
01:25:40,523 --> 01:25:42,889
And our children enjoy their dinner
1126
01:25:42,992 --> 01:25:47,588
because my wife allows them to
listen to their music. So you get:
1127
01:25:47,697 --> 01:25:49,927
(imitates bass guitar)
1128
01:25:50,032 --> 01:25:52,660
And the children eat and they:
1129
01:26:07,349 --> 01:26:10,147
l don't look at 'em, l just keep...
1130
01:26:17,326 --> 01:26:19,453
Now, my wife looks the situation over
1131
01:26:19,562 --> 01:26:25,364
and she can tell when the children
are not going to eat any more.
1132
01:26:25,468 --> 01:26:29,768
See, she can tell. They've
fooled around long enough.
1133
01:26:29,872 --> 01:26:32,500
''All right, now, you've
fooled around long enough.
1134
01:26:32,608 --> 01:26:36,100
Everybody get up from the table.''
My wife says this every night.
1135
01:26:36,378 --> 01:26:41,645
''Everybody get up
from the table, go upstairs,
1136
01:26:41,751 --> 01:26:45,187
''take off all your clothes,
1137
01:26:45,287 --> 01:26:47,915
''get into the shower,
1138
01:26:48,023 --> 01:26:51,083
please turn on the water...''
1139
01:26:51,193 --> 01:26:54,560
You have to tell them to do that
1140
01:26:54,663 --> 01:26:58,599
because if you don't,
they'll just wander around the tub.
1141
01:27:03,939 --> 01:27:06,567
And then get out and get in the bed.
1142
01:27:08,077 --> 01:27:11,012
''Please use soap.''
1143
01:27:12,047 --> 01:27:14,675
That's mostly for my son.
1144
01:27:14,784 --> 01:27:18,083
''Rinse yourselves off, dry yourselves off,
1145
01:27:18,354 --> 01:27:22,381
''put on clean pajamas, get into the bed
1146
01:27:22,491 --> 01:27:24,459
and go to sleep.''
1147
01:27:24,560 --> 01:27:30,521
Now, if these brain-damaged
children would do that,
1148
01:27:30,633 --> 01:27:33,431
there would be no beatings.
1149
01:27:34,570 --> 01:27:39,132
But there's going to be a beating tonight.
1150
01:27:41,143 --> 01:27:43,668
And the children get up to go upstairs
1151
01:27:43,779 --> 01:27:48,079
and l kiss them goodnight
and l try to warn them:
1152
01:27:48,184 --> 01:27:53,087
''Please, do what your mother says
1153
01:27:53,189 --> 01:27:56,488
or somebody's gonna get it tonight.''
1154
01:27:56,592 --> 01:28:00,528
And the children kiss me
and they pat me on my head
1155
01:28:00,629 --> 01:28:04,292
and they smile and look at me
as if to say, ''Dear man,
1156
01:28:04,400 --> 01:28:07,028
''thank you for your kindness
1157
01:28:07,136 --> 01:28:11,163
''and your wonderful attitude
about this whole situation,
1158
01:28:11,273 --> 01:28:15,505
''but you don't understand.
We cannot sleep through the night
1159
01:28:15,611 --> 01:28:19,672
unless we've had a good beating.''
1160
01:28:22,151 --> 01:28:25,416
And so they go upstairs
and l can tell they're gonna get it
1161
01:28:25,521 --> 01:28:28,285
'cause they've started already
before they even get upstairs.
1162
01:28:28,390 --> 01:28:31,018
''Will you stop touching me!
And you're touching me,
1163
01:28:31,126 --> 01:28:32,957
you stop, you're touching me.''
1164
01:28:33,062 --> 01:28:36,327
(piercing voice) ''Mine, mine, mine!''
1165
01:28:36,432 --> 01:28:38,662
Now they get upstairs
and all you hear is:
1166
01:28:38,767 --> 01:28:41,759
(imitates sound of footsteps)
1167
01:28:41,871 --> 01:28:44,567
Now my wife talks to the ceiling:
1168
01:28:53,782 --> 01:28:56,080
''All right, up there!
1169
01:28:57,720 --> 01:29:01,486
''l know you don't
want me to come up there.
1170
01:29:03,893 --> 01:29:07,522
l don't hear any water running.''
1171
01:29:07,630 --> 01:29:11,999
Now downstairs comes
our seven-year-old.
1172
01:29:12,835 --> 01:29:14,803
The informer.
1173
01:29:21,110 --> 01:29:24,568
This is the same child
that my wife sends with me
1174
01:29:24,680 --> 01:29:27,774
whenever l'm going out somewhere.
1175
01:29:32,121 --> 01:29:35,921
The informer's favorite words
are ''guess what.''
1176
01:29:37,626 --> 01:29:40,527
(imitating child) ''Um, um, um, Mom?
1177
01:29:40,629 --> 01:29:43,826
''Um, um, um, Mom, um, um, um,
1178
01:29:43,933 --> 01:29:46,731
''Ennis is upstairs in trouble
1179
01:29:46,835 --> 01:29:50,430
''and so l want to, um,
get into the shower
1180
01:29:50,539 --> 01:29:55,067
''and so then, um, he took, um, the towel
1181
01:29:55,177 --> 01:29:59,443
and popped me on my behind.''
1182
01:30:00,449 --> 01:30:04,476
''Go upstairs and tell Ennis
l said not to do that anymore.''
1183
01:30:04,586 --> 01:30:09,080
(imitating child) ''But, Mom, l already
told him so then he took the towel,
1184
01:30:09,191 --> 01:30:12,024
''so, guess what?
1185
01:30:12,127 --> 01:30:16,063
''Um, Ennis popped me on
the behind with the towel so l said,
1186
01:30:16,165 --> 01:30:21,831
'l'm gonna tell Mom on you.'''
1187
01:30:22,938 --> 01:30:27,034
''Go upstairs and tell him l said not to
do it again and take your clothes off.''
1188
01:30:27,142 --> 01:30:31,010
(imitating child) ''OK, but l know he's
just gonna pop me in the behind again
1189
01:30:31,113 --> 01:30:34,082
'cause he's always popping people.''
1190
01:30:34,183 --> 01:30:37,675
Four minutes later,
downstairs comes the four-year-old.
1191
01:30:37,786 --> 01:30:40,653
She is naked and wet.
1192
01:30:42,157 --> 01:30:46,992
Shampoo in her hair has run into her
eye. She is running in place and yelling.
1193
01:30:47,096 --> 01:30:49,690
(imitates yelling)
1194
01:30:49,798 --> 01:30:52,426
Walking with her, also naked and wet
1195
01:30:52,534 --> 01:30:55,731
with a smile on her face, is the informer.
1196
01:30:56,705 --> 01:30:59,435
(imitating child) ''See, Mom, l told you.
1197
01:30:59,541 --> 01:31:02,169
''Ennis took and poured water
on the baby and the shampoo
1198
01:31:02,277 --> 01:31:06,145
run into her eye
and she may be blinded for life.''
1199
01:31:07,850 --> 01:31:11,217
Now my son, who is 1 1 years old,
comes downstairs.
1200
01:31:11,320 --> 01:31:14,915
He has on his pajamas.
They are stuck to his body
1201
01:31:15,024 --> 01:31:17,492
because he forgot to dry himself.
1202
01:31:19,661 --> 01:31:22,061
(imitating son) ''l'm trying to
take a shower upstairs
1203
01:31:22,164 --> 01:31:24,496
''and so then they come in the shower.
l told them l'm too grown
1204
01:31:24,600 --> 01:31:29,003
for them to be showering with me--''
The baby turns and kicks him.
1205
01:31:29,104 --> 01:31:31,163
The seven-year-old punches him.
(imitates punching)
1206
01:31:31,440 --> 01:31:34,932
He punches the baby,
shoves the seven-year-old.
1207
01:31:35,044 --> 01:31:38,502
They're fighting. (imitates bickering)
1208
01:31:38,614 --> 01:31:42,573
My wife turns around, grabs a yardstick.
1209
01:31:43,919 --> 01:31:47,446
She holds it like a samurai warrior.
1210
01:31:48,490 --> 01:31:53,985
She then makes an announcement
that the beatings will now begin
1211
01:31:55,230 --> 01:31:58,859
by saying, ''l have had
1212
01:31:58,967 --> 01:32:01,959
enough of this.''
1213
01:32:02,071 --> 01:32:07,976
Now these three brain-damaged people
have the nerve to look surprised.
1214
01:32:11,380 --> 01:32:14,816
My wife is... (imitates flying yardstick)
Children run everywhere.
1215
01:32:14,917 --> 01:32:18,614
Now my job is, l am the goalie.
1216
01:32:20,189 --> 01:32:23,989
The children come at me,
l kick 'em back into play.
1217
01:32:27,663 --> 01:32:32,191
Now the beatings are over,
not because l see my wife,
1218
01:32:32,301 --> 01:32:34,462
but because l hear all of upstairs going:
1219
01:32:34,570 --> 01:32:36,538
(imitates sobbing)
1220
01:32:40,442 --> 01:32:42,967
Now here's the funny part:
1221
01:32:44,079 --> 01:32:47,105
my wife comes downstairs
with the broken stick,
1222
01:32:47,216 --> 01:32:49,776
throws it on the table,
1223
01:32:49,885 --> 01:32:54,948
sits down and begins to talk out loud to
1224
01:32:55,057 --> 01:32:57,025
nobody.
1225
01:32:59,161 --> 01:33:02,028
''Gonna tell me that you're
not going to do something
1226
01:33:02,131 --> 01:33:06,761
''when l tell you to do something.
l mean, you move when l say move.
1227
01:33:07,636 --> 01:33:10,867
''Think l carried you
in my body for nine months
1228
01:33:10,973 --> 01:33:13,567
''so you can roll your eyes at me?
1229
01:33:13,675 --> 01:33:15,643
''l'll roll that little head of yours
1230
01:33:15,744 --> 01:33:20,078
''down on the floor. You don't
know who you're fooling with.
1231
01:33:20,182 --> 01:33:23,515
l'll beat you until
you can't grow anymore.''
1232
01:33:33,962 --> 01:33:37,989
So funny.
My wife and l didn't ask for this.
1233
01:33:38,834 --> 01:33:42,827
We just asked for some children
we could send to college.
1234
01:33:47,576 --> 01:33:52,172
My mother and father come over
to the house quite often.
1235
01:33:53,148 --> 01:33:55,480
They're grandparents now.
1236
01:33:56,885 --> 01:33:59,479
Funny. They're funny people.
1237
01:34:00,088 --> 01:34:03,956
l've never seen such a
turnaround in all my life.
1238
01:34:05,894 --> 01:34:10,661
My father came over
to the house, sat down,
1239
01:34:10,766 --> 01:34:15,430
went into his pocket
and pulled out a handful of money.
1240
01:34:15,537 --> 01:34:19,166
He began to pass it out
to the children, you know.
1241
01:34:19,274 --> 01:34:22,402
He made the announcement:
''Now let's see if Granddad has
1242
01:34:22,511 --> 01:34:25,503
any money for
these wonderful children.''
1243
01:34:25,614 --> 01:34:29,710
Well, five children came from
everywhere. (whooshing sound)
1244
01:34:30,752 --> 01:34:35,849
See, the priorities are there.
''Money for the children.''
1245
01:34:35,958 --> 01:34:39,826
They heard that,
understood it and responded.
1246
01:34:41,063 --> 01:34:43,725
Anything else is
(irritably) ''money for the children.''
1247
01:34:43,832 --> 01:34:48,166
You have to say it like that. (irritably)
''Come here, come here, come here.''
1248
01:34:48,270 --> 01:34:51,728
(in normal voice) So they can hear.
1249
01:34:51,840 --> 01:34:57,676
My father began to pass
this money out and l thought,
1250
01:34:57,779 --> 01:35:03,376
''This is the same man
who, when l was his child,
1251
01:35:03,485 --> 01:35:06,386
''l would ask him for 50 cents,
1252
01:35:06,488 --> 01:35:09,719
this man would tell me his life story.''
1253
01:35:13,795 --> 01:35:17,959
And my father never told a happy story.
1254
01:35:18,066 --> 01:35:21,297
For 50 cents
there never was happiness.
1255
01:35:21,403 --> 01:35:27,103
The man ate dirt
till he was 30 years old.
1256
01:35:28,010 --> 01:35:31,002
That's all there was, was dirt.
1257
01:35:31,113 --> 01:35:35,812
And he was thankful to eat that dirt.
That's the part l couldn't understand.
1258
01:35:35,917 --> 01:35:38,317
No matter how much he suffered,
he'd always say,
1259
01:35:38,420 --> 01:35:41,412
''And l was thankful to get it!''
1260
01:35:42,457 --> 01:35:46,723
My father walked to school,
1261
01:35:46,828 --> 01:35:49,592
4:00 every morning,
1262
01:35:49,698 --> 01:35:52,462
with no shoes on,
1263
01:35:52,567 --> 01:35:54,797
uphill,
1264
01:35:54,903 --> 01:35:57,098
both ways,
1265
01:35:58,774 --> 01:36:03,768
in five feet of snow, and he was thankful.
1266
01:36:07,449 --> 01:36:10,646
l asked my father to give me
a dollar for the school picnic.
1267
01:36:10,752 --> 01:36:15,951
He told me how he killed a grizzly bear
with his loose-leaf notebook.
1268
01:36:19,161 --> 01:36:21,789
Now he's giving money away.
1269
01:36:22,798 --> 01:36:24,766
My mother kisses every child.
1270
01:36:24,866 --> 01:36:28,029
''Just come here and kiss your
grandmommy.'' (imitates kissing)
1271
01:36:28,136 --> 01:36:32,072
''Grandmommy just love you to death.''
My children think that my mother's
1272
01:36:32,174 --> 01:36:34,608
the most wonderful person
on the face of this earth.
1273
01:36:34,710 --> 01:36:40,080
And l keep telling my children, ''That's
not the same woman l grew up with.
1274
01:36:40,182 --> 01:36:44,915
You're looking at an old person
who's trying to get into heaven now.''
1275
01:36:54,129 --> 01:36:58,429
Yes, my mother, now a grandmother,
same woman, when l was her child,
1276
01:36:58,533 --> 01:37:02,663
could not stand my room. The woman
would come look at my room and say,
1277
01:37:02,771 --> 01:37:07,799
''Would you look at this filth?'' Now,
l've already been in the room five hours.
1278
01:37:07,909 --> 01:37:10,207
She wants me to look at it.
1279
01:37:10,312 --> 01:37:12,906
(imitating mother) ''l said 'look at it!'''
1280
01:37:15,884 --> 01:37:19,479
My mother was an authority on pigsties.
1281
01:37:20,455 --> 01:37:24,721
''This is the worst-looking pigsty
l have ever seen in my life!
1282
01:37:25,794 --> 01:37:28,729
''And l want it cleaned up right now.
1283
01:37:28,830 --> 01:37:32,163
How anyone can live in
this filth is beyond me.''
1284
01:37:33,068 --> 01:37:35,730
l love it when they give you
''another think coming.''
1285
01:37:35,837 --> 01:37:39,933
''lf you think that l was put
on this earth to be your slave,
1286
01:37:40,041 --> 01:37:43,204
you've got another think coming.''
1287
01:37:47,849 --> 01:37:50,317
And mothers are always
more interested in
1288
01:37:50,419 --> 01:37:53,286
the condition of your underwear
than your body
1289
01:37:53,388 --> 01:37:56,448
if you're ever in an accident.
1290
01:37:56,558 --> 01:37:58,685
And they tell you that.
''l hope for my sake,
1291
01:37:58,794 --> 01:38:03,254
if you're ever in an accident,
you have on clean underwear.''
1292
01:38:03,365 --> 01:38:06,960
Well, l thought that's what
an accident was.
1293
01:38:09,137 --> 01:38:11,970
Look, you're driving a truck,
1294
01:38:12,073 --> 01:38:14,564
here comes another truck gonna hit you.
1295
01:38:14,676 --> 01:38:20,512
Now, whether you hit the truck or not,
you're going to have soiled underwear,
1296
01:38:22,217 --> 01:38:25,709
because first you say it, then you do it.
1297
01:38:28,323 --> 01:38:31,554
Now here comes your mother
to the hospital.
1298
01:38:31,660 --> 01:38:35,323
(imitating mother) ''Did he
have on clean underwear?''
1299
01:38:35,430 --> 01:38:39,526
(imitating hospital worker) ''Yes, we
found it in the glove compartment.''
1300
01:38:46,575 --> 01:38:50,534
l love it when they get so angry
they can't remember your name.
1301
01:38:50,645 --> 01:38:55,673
''You come here, uh, Roy, uh, Roquefort,
uh, Rutabaga, what is your name, boy?
1302
01:38:55,784 --> 01:39:00,949
''And don't lie to me 'cause you live here
and l'll find out who you are.
1303
01:39:01,056 --> 01:39:03,718
Take a stick and knock your brains out.''
1304
01:39:03,825 --> 01:39:06,692
l always wanted to
get some calves' brains,
1305
01:39:06,795 --> 01:39:08,786
keep 'em in my hand.
1306
01:39:08,897 --> 01:39:14,529
My mother'd hit me in the head,
l'd throw 'em on the floor.
1307
01:39:14,636 --> 01:39:18,436
But knowing my mother, it wouldn't
work. She'd say, ''Put your brains
1308
01:39:18,540 --> 01:39:22,476
''back in your head. Don't you let
your brains fall out of your head.
1309
01:39:22,577 --> 01:39:26,377
Have you lost your mind?''
And that's another thing:
1310
01:39:26,481 --> 01:39:30,747
they ask you a question, you try
and answer, they tell you to shut up!
1311
01:39:30,852 --> 01:39:35,312
''Day and night, night and day,
work my fingers to the bone, for what?''
1312
01:39:35,423 --> 01:39:37,448
''l don't--'' ''Shut up!''
1313
01:39:38,393 --> 01:39:42,352
''And when l ask you a question,
you keep your trap shut!
1314
01:39:42,464 --> 01:39:48,130
''Think l'm talking
to hear myself talk? Answer me!
1315
01:39:50,605 --> 01:39:53,199
''You make me sick!
1316
01:39:53,308 --> 01:39:55,902
''l'm just sick of this and l'm sick of you.
1317
01:39:56,177 --> 01:39:58,668
''So sick l don't know
what to do with myself.
1318
01:39:58,780 --> 01:40:00,748
Now l am just sick and tired.''
1319
01:40:00,849 --> 01:40:05,252
''And tired'' always followed ''sick.''
Worst beating l ever got in my life,
1320
01:40:05,353 --> 01:40:09,187
my mother said, ''l am just sick--''
l said, ''And tired.''
1321
01:40:09,958 --> 01:40:13,155
l don't remember anything after that.
1322
01:40:15,497 --> 01:40:18,660
But, you see, fathers
are altogether different.
1323
01:40:18,767 --> 01:40:22,897
l'm not saying they're better.
l'm saying they're different.
1324
01:40:23,171 --> 01:40:26,868
See, my father established our
relationship when l was seven years old.
1325
01:40:26,975 --> 01:40:31,309
He looked at me, he said, ''l brought
you into this world. l'll take you out.
1326
01:40:31,413 --> 01:40:35,509
And it don't make no difference to me.
l'll make another one look just like you.''
1327
01:40:36,551 --> 01:40:39,418
And because of my father,
between the age of seven through 1 5,
1328
01:40:39,521 --> 01:40:42,046
l thought my name was Jesus Christ.
1329
01:40:43,525 --> 01:40:46,255
He said, ''Jesus Christ!''
1330
01:40:49,097 --> 01:40:53,193
And my brother Russell
thought his name was Dammit.
1331
01:40:53,301 --> 01:40:55,735
''Dammit, will you stop all that noise?!''
1332
01:40:55,837 --> 01:40:58,704
''Jesus Christ, sit down!''
1333
01:41:01,910 --> 01:41:04,310
So one day l'm out playing in the rain.
1334
01:41:04,412 --> 01:41:07,040
My father said, ''Dammit,
will you get in here!''
1335
01:41:07,148 --> 01:41:10,345
l said, ''Dad, l'm Jesus Christ.''
1336
01:41:18,994 --> 01:41:21,690
But you see, fathers
are more fun than mothers
1337
01:41:21,796 --> 01:41:27,063
because fathers are the only people in
the house who are allowed to have gas.
1338
01:41:28,803 --> 01:41:33,706
And they don't care either. They just
sit right there and (imitates farting)
1339
01:41:36,745 --> 01:41:40,647
And you always know when they're
finished 'cause they say, ''Oh, boy.''
1340
01:41:41,349 --> 01:41:45,683
My father would do it
and blame it on invisible animals.
1341
01:41:45,787 --> 01:41:49,723
(imitates elephant's trumpeting) ''You
see that elephant run under there?''
1342
01:41:49,824 --> 01:41:53,590
And my brother was
dumb enough to look for it.
1343
01:41:53,695 --> 01:41:56,664
Now here comes my mother.
''All right, dinner-- Oh, Lord,
1344
01:41:56,765 --> 01:41:59,131
what happened in here?''
1345
01:41:59,234 --> 01:42:03,034
He said, ''Mom, there's an
elephant under Dad's chair.''
1346
01:42:03,138 --> 01:42:04,196
''Did you see it?''
1347
01:42:04,305 --> 01:42:07,832
''No, but it lifted Dad up about two feet.''
1348
01:42:09,844 --> 01:42:12,176
Do you know my father's favorite game?
1349
01:42:12,280 --> 01:42:15,340
''Come here and pull my finger.''
1350
01:42:20,955 --> 01:42:23,583
Thank you for coming.
Take care of yourselves.
1351
01:42:23,692 --> 01:42:25,751
Good night. Thank you.
1352
01:42:25,860 --> 01:42:27,828
Thank you. Thank you.
1353
01:42:27,929 --> 01:42:31,057
(d intro to ''Just the Slew Of Us''
by Bill Cosby)
1354
01:42:50,585 --> 01:42:52,849
(girl) Daddy, can we go
to the school dance?
1355
01:42:52,954 --> 01:42:56,321
( Cosby) What? Well,
what did your mother say?
1356
01:42:56,424 --> 01:42:59,791
Well, tell her
don't bother me with that.
1357
01:42:59,894 --> 01:43:04,558
Now take your sister's clothes off
and don't wear 'em anymore.
1358
01:43:04,666 --> 01:43:06,031
Yes, I know-- What?
1359
01:43:06,134 --> 01:43:09,331
Now what do you want?
Where's your mother?
1360
01:43:09,437 --> 01:43:12,065
Well, don't come to me with that
'cause I'm busy doing things.
1361
01:43:12,173 --> 01:43:16,473
And get the dog out of here.
The dog does not belong...
1362
01:43:16,578 --> 01:43:19,342
Who took my socks?
Did you take my soc--
1363
01:43:19,447 --> 01:43:22,348
I don't care what they're wearing
these days, take the socks off.
1364
01:43:22,450 --> 01:43:25,510
And you take off my shirt, too.
1365
01:43:25,620 --> 01:43:31,388
I've never seen a seven-year-old boy
wear a size 1 3 shoe.
1366
01:43:37,165 --> 01:43:39,929
d Just the slew of us
1367
01:43:40,034 --> 01:43:44,027
d We can make it,
just the slew of us
1368
01:43:45,000 --> 01:43:48,068
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