0:00:01.000,0:00:04.074
Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org

0:00:18.539,0:00:21.133
<i>(d intro to ''Just the Slew Of Us''</i>[br]<i>by Bill Cosby)</i>

0:01:38.319,0:01:41.311
<i>(applause)</i>

0:01:41.422,0:01:44.391
<i>(applause and whistling)</i>

0:02:05.479,0:02:08.448
<i>(applause and whistling continues)</i>

0:02:09.883,0:02:11.852
<i>(mouths)</i> More. More. More.

0:02:18.025,0:02:21.984
- <i>(man in audience yells)</i>[br]- <i>(inaudible)</i>

0:02:23.397,0:02:26.491
Sit up there and yell like that.[br]Today's only Thursday,

0:02:26.600,0:02:29.535
for crying out loud. Thursday.

0:02:29.637,0:02:32.572
You gotta wait till Friday.

0:02:32.673,0:02:34.800
lt's always strange.

0:02:34.909,0:02:39.676
l've had a lot of people work for me

0:02:39.780,0:02:42.476
and l've found out it's a funny thing that

0:02:42.583,0:02:45.814
you give them Saturday and Sunday off

0:02:45.920,0:02:49.219
and they work so hard[br]to get to those two days

0:02:49.323,0:02:53.259
and those are the two days that[br]they totally destroy themselves.

0:02:53.360,0:02:56.329
<i>(audience laughing)</i>

0:02:57.998,0:03:00.626
l mean, you know,[br]you think to yourself, you say,

0:03:00.735,0:03:03.363
''My goodness,[br]l've really pounded these people

0:03:03.471,0:03:08.135
and worked them to death'' and[br]Friday comes and they say, ''Yeah!''

0:03:08.242,0:03:10.642
And then they come in Monday...

0:03:10.745,0:03:13.908
<i>(audience laughing)</i>

0:03:14.014,0:03:17.313
...say, ''Boy, am l glad to be back here.

0:03:18.719,0:03:21.586
''l'm no good on my own.

0:03:21.689,0:03:26.820
l was given two whole days[br]and l just went crazy.'' Yeah.

0:03:31.832,0:03:37.600
l don't know where you get these people[br]from. Sometimes l think it's drugs.

0:03:37.705,0:03:40.265
lt's got to be drugs,[br]'cause people on pure air

0:03:40.374,0:03:43.366
don't worry about things like that.

0:03:43.477,0:03:45.911
You know, the drugs, the drugs, l really,

0:03:46.013,0:03:50.416
l think drugs make people[br]so, you know, they get like:

0:03:51.385,0:03:54.718
l've seen 'em. You know,[br]they take <i>(inhales deeply)</i>

0:03:54.822,0:03:59.122
you know, and then they[br]have to hold it in, see.

0:03:59.894,0:04:04.126
See, that's the problem with smoking,[br]you have to <i>(inhales sharply)</i> look.

0:04:05.099,0:04:08.296
Now, your body doesn't want it[br]so it starts to kick it out

0:04:08.402,0:04:12.361
whether you want to hold it or not,[br]so you begin to <i>(sputtering)</i>

0:04:13.440,0:04:15.408
<i>(continues sputtering)</i>

0:04:18.045,0:04:20.012
<i>(coughing)</i>

0:04:24.819,0:04:26.787
<i>(continues coughing)</i>

0:04:32.560,0:04:37.463
Now, the best part about drugs[br]is that while you're doing that,

0:04:37.565,0:04:40.796
the person sitting next to you is going,[br]''Hey, man, pass that over.''

0:04:40.901,0:04:42.869
<i>(audience laughing)</i>

0:04:50.978,0:04:55.312
Then the people get stoned.[br]Now this is the fun part of getting...

0:04:55.416,0:05:00.217
They get stoned,[br]then they become paranoid:

0:05:01.889,0:05:05.916
Now, when they started out, they said,[br]''Let's get high and have fun.''

0:05:06.026,0:05:10.122
So they're high, now they're paranoid.

0:05:10.231,0:05:12.699
''Am l falling out of this chair?''

0:05:15.703,0:05:18.968
Then l've known people who've[br]gotten stoned and they start to laugh

0:05:19.073,0:05:22.270
and nobody knows[br]what they're laughing at.

0:05:22.376,0:05:25.038
You know, they're just:[br]<i>(mouthing laughter)</i>

0:05:34.688,0:05:36.656
<i>(laughs uproariously)</i>

0:05:43.097,0:05:45.964
''No, wait a minute, wait a minute.''

0:05:47.768,0:05:49.736
<i>(laughs uproariously)</i>

0:05:52.606,0:05:55.074
''No, wait a minute.

0:05:56.043,0:05:58.011
''l went over to the...

0:05:58.979,0:06:00.947
''Ooh!

0:06:03.484,0:06:05.782
<i>(laughs)</i>

0:06:06.387,0:06:08.355
''No, wait a minute.

0:06:13.460,0:06:16.486
''l went over to the Burger King.

0:06:18.399,0:06:21.027
''And so the guy took a piece of meat,

0:06:21.902,0:06:24.700
''and threw it on the grill.

0:06:24.805,0:06:27.365
''l said, 'Oh, wow!'

0:06:29.510,0:06:31.478
''Ooh!

0:06:33.314,0:06:36.078
''So then he turned it over.

0:06:36.183,0:06:39.152
''lt was all brown.

0:06:39.253,0:06:41.619
''l said, 'Far out!'

0:06:42.656,0:06:46.524
''And he put it between[br]two pieces of bread.

0:06:46.627,0:06:49.323
''l said, 'Oh, no!'

0:06:50.431,0:06:52.922
And the guy ate it.''

0:07:01.108,0:07:05.738
But the biggest one... is the cocaine.

0:07:05.846,0:07:09.111
- <i>(man)</i> Yow![br]- There they go!

0:07:10.017,0:07:13.885
There they go! Cocaine, Jack!

0:07:13.988,0:07:16.790
''You take cocaine, man?''[br]People say, ''Yeah.''

0:07:16.790,0:07:18.155
''You take cocaine, man?''[br]People say, ''Yeah.''

0:07:19.159,0:07:21.821
Say, ''l'll do a few lines.''

0:07:24.965,0:07:28.628
And l said to a guy, l said,[br]''Tell me, you know,

0:07:28.736,0:07:33.105
what is it about cocaine[br]that makes it so wonderful?''

0:07:33.207,0:07:38.839
And the guy said, ''Well, it[br]intensifies your personality.''

0:07:40.347,0:07:42.907
And l said, ''Yes,[br]but what if you're an asshole?''

0:07:43.017,0:07:45.986
<i>(applause and cheering)</i>

0:07:57.664,0:07:59.632
<i>(man)</i> Yow!

0:08:08.809,0:08:11.471
But l really want to study,

0:08:11.578,0:08:14.479
l really want to study[br]this whole thing of drinking,

0:08:14.581,0:08:19.280
getting drunk, and people saying[br]that they're having a good time.

0:08:19.386,0:08:25.052
Because if you put on a good suit,[br]you put on a good suit or whatever

0:08:25.159,0:08:28.822
and you say, ''l'm going out[br]to have a good time.''

0:08:28.929,0:08:30.988
But some people announce it:

0:08:31.098,0:08:35.727
''l'm going out[br]because l deserve to go out

0:08:35.836,0:08:38.327
''and l'm going to get drunk

0:08:38.438,0:08:42.000
''because l deserve to get drunk

0:08:42.109,0:08:44.509
and get out of my way.''

0:08:45.412,0:08:49.371
Now, these people get up there[br]and they drink and they drink

0:08:49.483,0:08:52.008
and they drink,[br]and the body begins to tell you:

0:08:52.119,0:08:55.350
<i>(in deep voice)</i> ''Please,[br]you better slow down.''

0:09:02.062,0:09:04.087
<i>(in normal voice)</i>[br]You have a person who came in

0:09:04.198,0:09:06.359
and they were walking like this:

0:09:06.467,0:09:09.630
See, there's different kinds[br]of walks for drunken people.

0:09:09.736,0:09:11.704
Now, for instance,

0:09:11.805,0:09:16.674
if you just have a regular[br]old raggedy bourbon drunk,

0:09:16.777,0:09:18.870
you know, they go like:

0:09:24.184,0:09:27.620
You know, and they're[br]really trying to maintain.

0:09:28.388,0:09:31.824
And the people keep leaning[br]the room on them, you know.

0:09:33.460,0:09:37.419
See. Now you can get a gin drunk.

0:09:37.531,0:09:41.558
Gin and vodka, you know,[br]martinis, now, these are the people,

0:09:41.668,0:09:45.900
very, you know, they[br]have their own business...

0:09:54.214,0:09:58.947
and they just stop off[br]and have about six or seven.

0:09:59.052,0:10:04.149
And their fingers pickle 'cause[br]that's what they stir their drink up with.

0:10:05.125,0:10:08.253
And they do a lot of this when they talk:

0:10:08.362,0:10:13.129
With their drink, so their drink[br]spurts on your shoe, you know.

0:10:13.233,0:10:17.397
You know, and you're looking[br]at your shoe and they're going:

0:10:17.504,0:10:19.870
And they hum a lot when they...

0:10:19.973,0:10:24.307
''Hum, how you been?'' You say, ''Fine.''

0:10:24.411,0:10:27.744
''Hum, nice to see you again.

0:10:27.848,0:10:31.249
Hum, oh, pardon me, hum.''

0:10:31.351,0:10:34.582
You know, very smooth people,[br]you know.

0:10:34.688,0:10:40.627
So then, of course,[br]the obvious one is the wino, but see,

0:10:40.727,0:10:46.461
winos, once they get down to[br]where they cannot walk anymore,

0:10:46.567,0:10:50.435
you know, they just kind of[br]heel-toe it, you know...

0:10:52.573,0:10:56.339
Just kind of easy, going to get it.

0:11:01.448,0:11:07.353
Now, you have, like, since the[br]country-western thing has happened,

0:11:07.454,0:11:12.892
you got all these people with[br]the cowboy hats and a buckle

0:11:12.993,0:11:13.960
and...

0:11:17.231,0:11:20.098
they just drink a lot of beer.

0:11:21.034,0:11:24.367
- <i>(man whistles)</i>[br]- See? There they are.

0:11:24.471,0:11:28.965
See... And beer drinkers are really[br]different people because they...

0:11:29.076,0:11:32.375
something happens to their[br]hearing. They go almost...

0:11:32.479,0:11:36.643
They... everything... <i>(bellowing)</i> Hey!

0:11:38.085,0:11:40.679
<i>(bellowing)</i> All right!

0:11:41.321,0:11:44.688
Now, they drink a lot of beer[br]and the beer does not go here,

0:11:44.791,0:11:48.557
it goes in one leg.[br]And when that leg fills up,

0:11:48.662,0:11:53.361
then they have to take it to the john, see.

0:11:53.467,0:11:56.959
And so when they walk, you know, they:

0:11:59.373,0:12:01.341
Now,

0:12:02.509,0:12:04.977
when they come out of the bathroom,

0:12:05.078,0:12:10.141
then you can tell, see.[br]lt's empty now, you see.

0:12:10.250,0:12:12.411
They step up to the bar[br]and fill it back up.

0:12:12.519,0:12:16.216
Now when it gets so that,[br]you know, this leg is, ''l gotta go.''

0:12:16.323,0:12:20.225
<i>(bellowing)</i> ''Hey![br]l've gotta go again! Oh!''

0:12:20.327,0:12:23.524
But this is always like this,[br]always hanging out.

0:12:23.630,0:12:26.690
And they keep doing like this[br]and the thing falls down.

0:12:26.800,0:12:29.360
Then they wanna go ride[br]this mechanical animal

0:12:29.469,0:12:32.632
and fall and bust their face, you know...

0:12:32.739,0:12:36.971
''l rode the bull at Gilley's[br]and busted my face,'' you know.

0:12:37.077,0:12:39.773
A picture of an idiot in action.

0:12:44.418,0:12:50.379
But now, the person who has[br]dedicated themselves to going out

0:12:50.490,0:12:53.926
and getting so drunk[br]that they're gonna get sick,

0:12:54.027,0:12:56.996
is the all-time dumb person.

0:12:57.097,0:13:01.033
They stand there, just drinking, drinking.

0:13:01.134,0:13:06.868
Now, the body says,[br]''Don't take another drink.''

0:13:18.652,0:13:21.678
So you reach up and you go...[br]and the stomach say,

0:13:21.788,0:13:24.524
the message has come down.[br]''He's taking another drink.

0:13:24.524,0:13:25.582
the message has come down.[br]''He's taking another drink.

0:13:25.692,0:13:29.150
''All right, reverse gears,

0:13:30.764,0:13:34.256
but just take it up to the top of the neck.''

0:13:35.302,0:13:37.270
<i>(imitates mechanical sound)</i>

0:13:39.005,0:13:43.499
This stuff comes up to here,[br]he says, ''Now give him a small burp.''

0:13:44.344,0:13:46.312
<i>(imitates burping)</i>

0:13:52.986,0:13:54.954
<i>(shuddering)</i>

0:13:59.659,0:14:02.492
''Turn on the sweat machine.''

0:14:06.032,0:14:08.796
Now people say, ''Are you all right?''

0:14:08.902,0:14:10.961
<i>(slurring)</i> ''Of course l'm OK.''

0:14:14.341,0:14:16.832
Now you've got to go,

0:14:16.943,0:14:19.104
so you come into the bathroom.

0:14:19.212,0:14:21.703
<i>(imitates door opening)</i> Close the door.

0:14:21.815,0:14:23.840
<i>(imitates door closing)</i>

0:14:23.950,0:14:28.580
Now, don't forget,[br]you owe this to yourself.

0:14:28.688,0:14:31.748
You worked hard all week.

0:14:31.858,0:14:34.156
lt's come to this.

0:14:44.137,0:14:46.105
<i>(applause)</i>

0:15:05.125,0:15:07.093
<i>(groaning)</i>

0:15:10.230,0:15:12.198
<i>(groaning continues)</i>

0:15:15.936,0:15:17.904
<i>(moaning)</i>

0:15:19.372,0:15:21.932
Oh, Jesus.

0:15:23.977,0:15:26.070
Oh, God.

0:15:27.747,0:15:30.773
lf you get me out of this,

0:15:30.884,0:15:34.285
l won't drink again as long as l live.

0:15:35.956,0:15:37.924
Oh!

0:15:38.992,0:15:41.893
Now you are ready...

0:15:41.995,0:15:45.431
to put your face...

0:15:45.532,0:15:48.228
in a place...

0:15:48.335,0:15:51.668
that was never built for your face.

0:15:53.840,0:15:55.808
<i>(moans)</i>

0:15:58.979,0:16:02.779
Now you feel it coming.[br]''All right, l'm ready.

0:16:02.883,0:16:07.877
''Holding on, holding on.[br]We going for a ride? Yes.

0:16:07.988,0:16:09.956
''Bring it on? Yes.

0:16:10.056,0:16:12.786
Here it comes, l'm ready to explode.''

0:16:14.194,0:16:16.992
And your muscles lock, everything.

0:16:19.432,0:16:22.868
And you wouldn't be surprised,[br]you would not be surprised

0:16:22.969,0:16:28.930
if you saw your shoes come out[br]of your mouth. You'd say ''Yes!''

0:16:31.711,0:16:34.805
Now that wave has stopped,[br]you... <i>(moans)</i>

0:16:35.415,0:16:38.851
You put your head[br]on the side of the bowl

0:16:38.952,0:16:42.353
and you thank the toilet bowl.

0:16:42.455,0:16:44.650
''Thank you, toilet bowl.

0:16:44.758,0:16:48.990
''Thank you so much[br]for being cool on the side.

0:16:49.095,0:16:52.258
''Only you understand me, toilet bowl.

0:16:52.365,0:16:56.734
You're the only friend l have,[br]my wonderful toilet bowl.''

0:16:57.337,0:16:59.805
Now, people keep coming to the door.

0:16:59.906,0:17:03.398
<i>(imitates door opening)</i>[br]''Are you all right?''

0:17:03.510,0:17:07.742
And you say, ''Oh, yes.[br]l'm always like this all the time.

0:17:07.847,0:17:10.213
''Just having a little picnic.

0:17:10.317,0:17:14.377
Just listening to the toilet bowl.''

0:17:14.487,0:17:16.819
<i>(imitates toilet flushing)</i>

0:17:16.923,0:17:20.086
And that's called having a good time.

0:17:32.439,0:17:34.839
l never understand that.

0:17:39.446,0:17:42.643
l mean, it's all right if[br]you're a teenager, you know,

0:17:42.749,0:17:47.550
you've never had it before, you know,[br]and you say, ''What is this all about?''

0:17:47.654,0:17:51.681
You keep drinking and getting sick[br]and throw up. But grown people do that.

0:17:51.791,0:17:54.919
On weekends.[br]And then they come back to work

0:17:55.028,0:17:58.191
and they go, ''Oh, God, my head...''

0:17:58.999,0:18:00.967
Strange.

0:18:03.169,0:18:05.160
Dentists...

0:18:06.439,0:18:12.173
tell you not to pick your teeth[br]with any sharp metal object.

0:18:13.446,0:18:16.711
Then you sit in their chair,

0:18:17.684,0:18:21.120
and the first thing[br]they grab is an iron hook.

0:18:23.690,0:18:27.319
And they start to pick in an area[br]that you came to get fixed.

0:18:28.028,0:18:29.996
<i>(imitates picking)</i>

0:18:32.632,0:18:35.965
l found out something about myself[br]while the dentist was doing that.

0:18:36.069,0:18:41.837
l found out if l was ever[br]paralyzed from the knee down,

0:18:41.941,0:18:45.308
l'd be able to walk with my behind.

0:18:47.080,0:18:50.607
Because the whole time[br]he kept doing that l just kept...

0:18:51.484,0:18:54.817
<i>(deep voice)</i> ''Can you sit up?''[br]''l'm sorry, l beg your pardon.''

0:18:54.921,0:18:57.389
<i>(deep voice)</i> ''Sit up.'' ''l'm sorry.''

0:18:58.992,0:19:02.519
Now the dentist pulls out a needle.

0:19:02.629,0:19:05.393
This is to deaden the pain.

0:19:08.968,0:19:13.371
Says, ''Open up.'' Now, a regular doctor[br]giving you a shot would go:

0:19:13.473,0:19:16.931
and that's it.[br]Dentists don't do that, they go:

0:19:22.615,0:19:25.880
And you're there... <i>(gasping)</i>

0:19:27.087,0:19:29.578
Then they want to talk to you.

0:19:29.689,0:19:32.487
''Do you ever do any fishing?''

0:19:32.592,0:19:36.221
<i>(muffled)</i> Uh-huh. <i>(gasping)</i>

0:19:36.329,0:19:38.297
''Where do you usually go?''

0:19:38.398,0:19:40.366
<i>(muffled voice)</i>

0:19:44.170,0:19:47.628
''Yes, l've been there[br]many times myself.''

0:19:49.375,0:19:53.573
Now he pulls the needle out.[br]Puts this thing in your mouth.

0:19:53.680,0:19:55.910
<i>(imitates suction hose)</i>

0:19:56.015,0:19:58.950
This will suck up your face.

0:20:00.286,0:20:04.017
The dentist goes outside[br]to laugh at you.

0:20:06.092,0:20:10.756
And you sit, grown-up, intelligent[br]human being, arguing with this thing.

0:20:10.864,0:20:13.833
<i>(sucking) (gagging) (sucking)</i>

0:20:16.569,0:20:19.037
You also notice

0:20:19.139,0:20:22.631
that the right side of your face

0:20:22.742,0:20:28.374
feels like it's sliding off of your skull.

0:20:28.481,0:20:31.416
And your bottom lip is in your lap.

0:20:32.619,0:20:36.020
So the dentist comes back.[br]You want to talk to him.

0:20:36.122,0:20:41.719
So you say, <i>(indistinct speech)</i>

0:20:41.828,0:20:43.420
''l beg your pardon?''

0:20:43.530,0:20:47.557
<i>(slurring)</i>

0:20:50.937,0:20:52.996
''l don't understand.''

0:20:53.106,0:20:56.075
<i>(slurring)</i>

0:21:00.346,0:21:01.870
''Your what?''

0:21:01.981,0:21:03.949
<i>(slurring)</i>

0:21:07.487,0:21:11.014
''Your face?'' <i>(lisping)</i> Yeth!

0:21:11.124,0:21:13.388
''What's the matter with it?''

0:21:13.493,0:21:15.984
<i>(slurring)</i> What's the matter with it?

0:21:18.264,0:21:22.997
My face... my face is hanging down...

0:21:23.870,0:21:25.963
Do you see this?

0:21:30.076,0:21:33.273
This is my bottom lip.

0:21:34.180,0:21:38.048
lt wasn't like this when l came in here.

0:21:38.151,0:21:41.587
''Well, l'll fix it.'' l hope so!

0:21:41.688,0:21:44.384
Because when you put[br]the needle in my mouth,

0:21:44.490,0:21:48.950
my face went down like this,[br]my bottom lip went on the floor.

0:21:49.062,0:21:52.623
So l can't live like this now.[br]''l'll fix it.''

0:21:52.732,0:21:54.700
<i>(slurring)</i> OK!

0:21:55.602,0:21:59.732
Now he starts to drill: <i>(imitates drilling)</i>

0:21:59.839,0:22:02.933
And you see and smell smoke

0:22:04.677,0:22:07.202
coming out of your mouth. So you say,

0:22:07.313,0:22:09.975
<i>(slurring)</i> ''Wait a minute.''

0:22:12.819,0:22:16.585
''What's the matter?'' <i>(slurring)</i> Smoke!

0:22:16.689,0:22:20.887
''What?''[br]<i>(slurring)</i> Smoke, smoke, smoke!

0:22:20.994,0:22:25.294
There's some smoke[br]and it's coming out of my mouth.

0:22:25.398,0:22:27.423
''l don't understand.''

0:22:28.568,0:22:31.128
<i>(slurring)</i> Fire!

0:22:31.237,0:22:33.831
Do you understand the fire?

0:22:33.940,0:22:37.341
There's a fire in my mouth[br]and the smoke is coming out.

0:22:37.443,0:22:40.571
And my face is hanging on the floor.

0:22:40.680,0:22:43.148
''The fire?'' Yes!

0:22:43.249,0:22:45.217
''Where?''

0:22:46.619,0:22:49.087
<i>(slurring)</i> Never mind, never mind.

0:22:50.323,0:22:53.349
Now he drills some more[br]and you hear him make a mistake.

0:22:53.459,0:22:55.427
<i>(imitates drill slipping)</i>

0:22:56.896,0:23:01.663
And to cover it up, they all[br]say the same thing: ''OK, rinse.''

0:23:03.736,0:23:08.105
<i>(slurring)</i> Rinse?[br]You asking me to rinse?

0:23:08.207,0:23:11.540
l don't have a bottom lip.[br]How can l rinse?

0:23:11.644,0:23:13.703
''Give it a try.''

0:23:13.813,0:23:17.078
<i>(slurring)</i> Give it a try? OK.

0:23:17.684,0:23:21.848
<i>(in normal voice)</i> Grab the cup,[br]pour the water, it runs all down...

0:23:27.827,0:23:31.923
<i>(slurring)</i> l hope that you are satisfied.

0:23:32.031,0:23:36.991
l hope that you are satisfied.[br]l put the water in my mouth,

0:23:37.103,0:23:40.072
l told you l can't rinse[br]because l have no bottom lip,

0:23:40.173,0:23:43.631
the water went all down in my lap.

0:23:43.743,0:23:47.645
l hope that you are satisfied.

0:23:47.747,0:23:49.715
''Rinse again.''

0:23:50.917,0:23:53.408
You've gotta be kidding me!

0:23:54.721,0:23:57.053
So you pick it up, put it in. Now,

0:23:57.156,0:24:02.184
you're gonna spit into[br]this miniature toilet bowl.

0:24:03.429,0:24:06.830
You have no bottom lip[br]so you let it all fall out,

0:24:06.933,0:24:10.528
say, ''Thank God for gravity.''

0:24:10.636,0:24:14.128
Now you want to sit back but you can't

0:24:14.240,0:24:16.640
because hanging...

0:24:18.011,0:24:22.277
from your bottom lip is a long line

0:24:22.382,0:24:25.715
and you can't get it off your bottom lip.

0:24:25.818,0:24:29.982
Oh, if you wanna be gross,[br]you can grab it and throw it over there.

0:24:30.690,0:24:34.626
But you try to be smooth[br]about it, you know...

0:24:40.566,0:24:44.093
And it's breaking over here[br]and it's breaking over there.

0:24:47.240,0:24:51.176
Try to blow it off: <i>(blowing)</i>

0:24:52.412,0:24:54.812
Just vibrating.

0:24:54.914,0:24:58.179
So you figure, maybe if you sit back,

0:24:58.284,0:25:00.309
it'll snap in half.

0:25:01.354,0:25:05.814
So you sit back. Now you have a line

0:25:05.925,0:25:08.655
from the bowl to your bottom lip.

0:25:08.761,0:25:12.720
The dentist looks at it[br]and says, ''Oh, look, a rainbow!''

0:25:18.871,0:25:21.101
So you have to pay him for that.

0:25:23.376,0:25:28.279
Anyway, l didn't come here[br]to tell you that.

0:25:34.420,0:25:36.911
l, uh...

0:25:37.023,0:25:41.926
wanted to discuss some[br]very serious matters here.

0:25:43.463,0:25:46.193
The... <i>(coughs)</i>

0:25:46.299,0:25:48.392
Pardon me.

0:25:49.769,0:25:54.638
My wife and l were intellectuals...

0:25:57.410,0:25:59.901
before we had children.

0:26:02.682,0:26:05.344
We were very, very bright people.

0:26:07.320,0:26:11.313
My wife graduated from[br]the University of Maryland,

0:26:11.424,0:26:16.555
child psychology major[br]with a B-plus average,

0:26:16.662,0:26:19.961
which means that if you ask her[br]a question about a child's behavior,

0:26:20.066,0:26:24.127
she will give you at least an 85 answer.

0:26:25.571,0:26:28.802
l, from Temple University,[br]physical education major

0:26:28.908,0:26:32.776
with a child psychology minor,[br]which means that if you ask me

0:26:32.879,0:26:38.442
a question about a child's behavior, l will[br]tell you to tell the child to take a lap.

0:26:44.157,0:26:48.890
Needless to say, we felt qualified

0:26:48.995,0:26:52.362
to handle having children,

0:26:53.132,0:26:57.432
and we planned to have children.

0:26:57.537,0:26:59.596
We sat in the back seat of a car,

0:26:59.705,0:27:01.673
<i>(audience laughing)</i>

0:27:04.410,0:27:08.176
and discussed it. Children.

0:27:08.281,0:27:11.341
We wanted to have children[br]and bring them up.

0:27:12.718,0:27:18.350
And we spoke to God about the children

0:27:19.425,0:27:24.055
and we were afraid to ask God

0:27:24.163,0:27:26.654
for specific things.

0:27:26.766,0:27:31.135
We felt that it might be too much.

0:27:31.237,0:27:36.004
We said to God,[br]''Please give us a healthy child,''

0:27:36.108,0:27:38.338
and we left it at that,

0:27:40.513,0:27:44.347
not knowing that God[br]is a generous God,

0:27:45.551,0:27:48.543
but also has a sense of humor,

0:27:50.990,0:27:55.086
and that if you leave[br]that much open for God,

0:27:55.194,0:27:59.221
some wonderful jokes[br]are going to come about.

0:28:00.266,0:28:03.497
Still being intellectuals,

0:28:03.603,0:28:07.061
my wife and l decided to[br]bring our first child into the world

0:28:07.173,0:28:10.973
by way of natural childbirth.

0:28:11.944,0:28:15.038
Now, we were intellectuals,[br]mind you, which means that

0:28:15.147,0:28:18.810
intellectuals go to study things

0:28:18.918,0:28:21.751
that people do naturally.

0:28:24.457,0:28:26.687
You see, let's think about it.

0:28:26.792,0:28:30.626
Childbirth is a natural thing.

0:28:30.730,0:28:35.064
The pains come automatically,[br]the muscles tighten and push down

0:28:35.167,0:28:38.159
and the mother is there[br]and all you need,

0:28:38.271,0:28:42.605
as they say in every movie, is hot water.

0:28:42.708,0:28:45.609
''Get the hot water,''[br]and they just send some fool, runs,

0:28:45.711,0:28:49.238
''Hot water,'' you know, and bothers[br]everybody in the world for hot water.

0:28:49.348,0:28:53.148
But even if you don't have hot water,[br]the baby's going to come.

0:28:53.252,0:28:57.245
Ker-boom! Natural.[br]Nature takes its course.

0:28:57.356,0:29:00.553
<i>(imitates creaking)</i> Whammo!

0:29:00.660,0:29:03.094
And there it is. You understand?

0:29:03.195,0:29:05.493
You just need somebody[br]there to grab a hold,

0:29:05.598,0:29:08.692
you know, to grab the rope, you know.

0:29:08.801,0:29:13.636
''There, keep pulling there, it's coming,[br]l'll be right there in a second.'' See?

0:29:13.739,0:29:18.642
Natural childbirth. People do it[br]all around the deprived countries,

0:29:18.744,0:29:21.372
quote, unquote,[br]''deprived countries of the world.''

0:29:21.480,0:29:25.109
Women... The lady's[br]out there picking the rice

0:29:25.217,0:29:28.152
or doing whatever in the thing[br]and all of a sudden you say,

0:29:28.254,0:29:31.052
''Ooh!'' Blam! The child falls out,

0:29:31.157,0:29:34.320
they cut the cord, tie it[br]and the kid's there with the rice,

0:29:34.427,0:29:38.261
with the mother, you know.[br]Natural childbirth.

0:29:38.998,0:29:42.729
lntellectuals go to class

0:29:42.835,0:29:45.702
to study how to do this.

0:29:46.739,0:29:49.105
My wife and l sat in class

0:29:49.208,0:29:54.544
to learn how to have natural childbirth.

0:29:54.647,0:29:57.912
And the first thing[br]they teach you is that

0:29:58.017,0:30:01.009
you have to breathe properly, see?

0:30:01.120,0:30:06.023
So when you press down[br]on the muscles, there's breathing:

0:30:06.125,0:30:08.093
<i>(rapid breathing)</i>

0:30:10.529,0:30:12.861
That's my wife's job. So she's there:

0:30:12.965,0:30:14.933
<i>(rapid breathing)</i>

0:30:15.735,0:30:19.569
And she was good.[br]Now the father's job...

0:30:19.672,0:30:23.108
And the father must be there[br]for these classes.

0:30:23.209,0:30:26.406
And they give the father a diploma also.

0:30:26.512,0:30:31.176
And if you don't get a diploma,[br]you cannot come to the birth.

0:30:31.283,0:30:33.683
See? So my job

0:30:33.786,0:30:38.018
is to bend my wife in half[br]and say ''Push!''

0:30:39.558,0:30:43.494
Now if l don't go to class,[br]l don't get a diploma for this,

0:30:43.596,0:30:45.655
so l can't come to the birth.

0:30:45.765,0:30:48.233
So my wife is there:[br]<i>(rapid breathing)</i>

0:30:48.334,0:30:51.235
And l'm there: ''Push.''[br]And l'm the cheerleader:

0:30:51.337,0:30:54.864
''Push him out, shove him out, way out!

0:30:54.974,0:30:58.842
Push him out, shove him out, way out!''

0:30:59.612,0:31:03.241
And my wife is a wonderful breather.[br]<i>(rapid breathing)</i>

0:31:03.349,0:31:06.182
And we were the best in our class.

0:31:06.285,0:31:09.083
And l began to breathe[br]with my wife, macho style.

0:31:09.188,0:31:12.624
<i>(vigorous breathing)</i> Push, push.

0:31:12.725,0:31:16.024
<i>(vigorous breathing)</i> Push, push.

0:31:16.128,0:31:18.096
<i>(rapid breathing)</i>

0:31:19.465,0:31:23.265
We went to parties[br]and people asked us to breathe.

0:31:24.904,0:31:27.168
''Ladies and gentlemen,[br]the breathing Cosbys!''

0:31:27.339,0:31:29.000
<i>(rapid breathing)</i>

0:31:29.108,0:31:31.838
Push, push!

0:31:31.944,0:31:35.710
Natural childbirth.[br]Natural childbirth means

0:31:35.815,0:31:39.273
no drugs will be administered[br]into the female's body

0:31:39.385,0:31:43.651
during the delivery.[br]The father can have all he wants.

0:31:49.962,0:31:53.090
On the ninth month,[br]my wife called to me

0:31:53.199,0:31:55.360
from the balcony of our California home:

0:31:55.468,0:31:58.266
''Bill!'' <i>(rapid breathing)</i>

0:31:58.370,0:32:01.999
l became excited. l said, ''Push!''

0:32:02.107,0:32:07.010
Then l remembered, we have to go[br]to the hospital for the natural childbirth.

0:32:07.112,0:32:09.512
So l run into the car. l got a Ferrari.

0:32:09.615,0:32:11.276
<i>(imitates engine)</i>

0:32:11.383,0:32:15.752
l do 1 04 from the garage[br]to the front door.

0:32:15.855,0:32:17.880
So my wife comes out.[br]She gets in the car.

0:32:17.990,0:32:19.753
<i>(imitates engine)</i>

0:32:19.859,0:32:24.796
1 80, and we're breathing.[br]<i>(vigorous breathing)</i> Push, push.

0:32:24.897,0:32:26.865
<i>(rapid breathing)</i>

0:32:26.966,0:32:31.027
And l'm in my Ferrari,[br]man, $1 7,000 Ferrari,

0:32:31.136,0:32:34.970
and my wife says, ''Oh!''[br]l say, ''No, dear, please, wait, not here.

0:32:35.074,0:32:37.838
No, not in the Ferrari, please.''

0:32:37.943,0:32:40.468
And l pull over. We go in the bushes,

0:32:40.579,0:32:43.207
we go in the bushes,[br]but no, not in the car, dear.

0:32:43.315,0:32:45.283
She's ''Oh, Bill, can l...''

0:32:45.384,0:32:48.683
Hold everything. l'll get you there.[br]<i>(imitates engine)</i>

0:32:48.787,0:32:52.154
So we pull up to the hospital.[br]The Marx Brothers jump out:

0:32:52.258,0:32:55.853
''Whoo! Ha! Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo!''[br]Put my wife in a wheelchair.

0:32:55.961,0:32:58.828
Run her down to the delivery room.[br]l signed her in, they put the hat on me,

0:32:58.931,0:33:00.831
the thing on backwards,[br]booties on the shoes.

0:33:00.933,0:33:03.333
l run into the delivery room.[br]They got my wife all prepped

0:33:03.435,0:33:07.667
and her legs way up in the stirrups...[br]<i>(rapid breathing)</i>

0:33:07.773,0:33:11.971
And the doctor's sitting there[br]like Johnny Bench.

0:33:27.793,0:33:28.760
Now,

0:33:30.396,0:33:34.765
the first real pain hit my wife.

0:33:34.867,0:33:36.357
Whoo!

0:33:36.468,0:33:38.561
And my wife said:

0:33:38.671,0:33:41.299
<i>(inhales sharply)</i>

0:33:41.407,0:33:44.171
And l said, ''Push?''

0:33:45.878,0:33:51.077
Carol Burnett described[br]what labor pains feel like.

0:33:51.183,0:33:56.416
She said, ''Take your bottom lip[br]and pull it over your head.''

0:34:10.536,0:34:13.835
The second pain hit: whoo!

0:34:13.938,0:34:16.908
My wife said: <i>(screams)</i>

0:34:17.176,0:34:19.143
and stood up...

0:34:20.579,0:34:22.547
in the stirrups.

0:34:29.054,0:34:31.955
Grabbed my bottom lip...

0:34:38.530,0:34:42.694
and said, ''l want morphine!''

0:34:45.638,0:34:47.936
l said, ''But dear...'' <i>(vigorous breathing)</i>

0:34:48.040,0:34:51.100
She said, ''You shut up!

0:34:51.210,0:34:54.940
You did this to me!''

0:34:55.047,0:34:57.277
And on the next contraction,

0:34:57.383,0:35:01.410
she told everybody in the delivery room

0:35:01.520,0:35:05.320
that my parents were never married.

0:35:15.934,0:35:19.335
Now we're back to breathing:[br]<i>(vigorous breathing)</i>

0:35:19.438,0:35:23.101
and l'm sitting there, ''Push, push.''

0:35:23.208,0:35:26.041
My wife's getting tired.[br]''l don't wanna push anymore.

0:35:26.145,0:35:28.170
l don't wanna push.''[br]No, you've got to push, dear.

0:35:28.280,0:35:31.875
Come on, dear, you've gotta.[br]''l don't wanna. Oh, no, no.

0:35:31.984,0:35:34.145
Tell them to give me something.''[br]No, you can do it.

0:35:34.253,0:35:38.053
''No, l don't wanna graduate from[br]the class anymore. l just wanna--''

0:35:38.157,0:35:40.990
Please, come on, you can do it.[br]l look in the rearview mirror

0:35:41.093,0:35:46.121
and l see the head. And Johnny Bench[br]is still sitting there, like:

0:35:47.166,0:35:50.329
So l said, ''lsn't that the head?''

0:35:50.436,0:35:54.395
He said, ''Yeah.'' l said, ''Well, go get it.''

0:36:01.613,0:36:03.911
He said, ''lt's stuck.''

0:36:05.718,0:36:08.744
l said, ''Well, get[br]the salad spoons, man!''

0:36:14.993,0:36:18.793
So... So he gets the salad spoons

0:36:20.466,0:36:23.902
and the baby comes out.[br]<i>(makes spurting sound)</i>

0:36:24.002,0:36:28.029
Now this is the greatest moment...

0:36:28.140,0:36:30.108
<i>(woman laughing)</i>

0:36:32.544,0:36:34.876
in our lives.

0:36:34.980,0:36:39.212
This is what we asked God for.

0:36:39.318,0:36:45.279
This is what we wanted[br]to see if we could make.

0:36:45.390,0:36:48.018
And l look at it.

0:36:56.802,0:36:59.566
And they started to clean it off.

0:37:00.405,0:37:03.465
And it wasn't getting any better.

0:37:12.584,0:37:15.849
And l went over to my wife

0:37:16.989,0:37:21.255
and l kissed her[br]ever so gently on the lips

0:37:21.360,0:37:27.162
and l said, ''Darling,[br]l love you very, very much.

0:37:27.266,0:37:31.430
You just had a lizard.''

0:37:41.880,0:37:45.748
Because the thing[br]changed colors three times.

0:37:48.487,0:37:51.945
And the neck and head[br]wouldn't work, it just kept:

0:37:56.395,0:37:59.853
And l said to the doctor,[br]''Can you put this back?

0:38:01.166,0:38:04.602
'''Cause it isn't done yet. lt needs to cook

0:38:04.703,0:38:07.934
another three months maybe.''

0:38:08.040,0:38:11.237
But the hospital made us take it home.

0:38:16.748,0:38:21.378
My mother looked at it and said,[br]''Oh, how precious.''

0:38:26.024,0:38:29.391
l don't know why she said it.

0:38:29.494,0:38:32.657
Well, l didn't know then. l know now.

0:38:32.764,0:38:36.256
Because my mother put a curse on me.

0:38:36.368,0:38:40.498
A long time ago, l remember[br]when l was a child what she said,

0:38:40.606,0:38:44.337
and l've later found out[br]that mothers, all mothers,

0:38:44.443,0:38:47.344
put a curse on their children.

0:38:47.446,0:38:52.076
And they say, ''l hope when you[br]get married, you have some children

0:38:52.184,0:38:57.816
who act exactly the same way[br]that you act.''

0:38:58.724,0:39:01.215
And this curse works!

0:39:03.528,0:39:07.396
l mean, it started with that child.

0:39:08.433,0:39:12.836
My wife and l have not[br]been intellectuals since.

0:39:13.872,0:39:17.308
Oh, my wife was pretty good for a while.

0:39:17.643,0:39:19.838
But it didn't last that long.

0:39:19.945,0:39:22.675
lt didn't last two years.

0:39:22.781,0:39:26.239
My father, he was so happy.

0:39:26.351,0:39:30.981
See, l had a daughter[br]and l'd wanted a son

0:39:31.089,0:39:34.889
and l'd bragged that[br]l was going to bring a son.

0:39:35.160,0:39:40.462
My father and my mother[br]had four boys, so why not?

0:39:40.565,0:39:44.865
l'm a Cosby. Son.

0:39:44.970,0:39:48.406
l want a son who carries the ball for me.

0:39:48.507,0:39:52.443
Play football, basketball,[br]run track. My boy.

0:39:52.544,0:39:54.671
l'd sit in the stands. ''That your son?''

0:39:54.780,0:39:59.649
Yes, that's my boy.[br]See the boy running the touchdown

0:39:59.751,0:40:02.720
with the name Cosby on the back?[br]That's my son.

0:40:02.821,0:40:06.052
l would've done it myself[br]but l'm too old now.

0:40:06.158,0:40:10.492
So l gave him the business. He's[br]just in charge of running touchdowns.

0:40:10.595,0:40:15.294
You know? Go to the dinners.[br]''And the athlete of the year, little Cosby.

0:40:15.400,0:40:19.734
And there's his father, big Cosby.''[br]Thank you, thank you, thank you.

0:40:21.807,0:40:27.074
And l don't mind. l've... You know,[br]l realize that with great athletes,

0:40:27.179,0:40:30.615
you know, it's a different thing.[br]Father, you grab the boy

0:40:30.716,0:40:34.083
when he's like this, see.[br]You say, ''Come here, boy.''

0:40:34.186,0:40:37.087
Two years old. You say, ''Get down,[br]Dad'll show you how to do it.

0:40:37.189,0:40:39.282
Now you come at me.[br]Run through me.'' Boom!

0:40:39.391,0:40:41.882
There. See? Get back up, get back up.

0:40:41.994,0:40:45.623
See? You didn't do it right.[br]Now, come at me. Boom! See, now...

0:40:45.731,0:40:48.461
You teach 'em, see? You say,[br]''Now, go, attack that tree. Bite it!''

0:40:48.567,0:40:51.502
<i>(imitates biting noise)</i>[br]'' Come on back, bite it again.''

0:40:51.603,0:40:53.662
<i>(imitates biting noise)</i>

0:40:53.772,0:40:56.070
You teach 'em all that. Tackle me, bam!

0:40:56.174,0:40:59.610
And then soon he's bigger[br]and he's stronger and he can hit you,

0:40:59.711,0:41:01.804
you don't want him to hit you anymore,[br]you say, ''All right, son,''

0:41:01.913,0:41:04.575
turn him loose on the high school,[br]he runs up and down the field.

0:41:04.683,0:41:07.243
High school! Touchdown.[br]He's 800 touchdowns per game,

0:41:07.352,0:41:10.344
you say, ''Yes, that's my son,''[br]and he goes to the big college,

0:41:10.455,0:41:12.946
playing for a big school,[br]three million students

0:41:13.058,0:41:16.892
and 800,000 people in the stands:[br]<i>(imitates cheering)</i>

0:41:16.995,0:41:19.020
National TV, and he catches the ball

0:41:19.131,0:41:21.190
and he doesn't bother[br]to get out of the way,

0:41:21.299,0:41:23.995
he just runs over everybody,[br]<i>(imitates rushing sound)</i>

0:41:24.102,0:41:26.332
for a TD and turn around[br]and the camera's on him

0:41:26.438,0:41:29.305
and you're looking[br]and he says, ''Hi, Mom.''

0:41:33.345,0:41:37.839
Well, you don't mind that.[br]You know who taught him.

0:41:39.718,0:41:43.916
But God has a sense of humor

0:41:44.022,0:41:48.891
and God said, ''Let him have a girl.''

0:41:49.761,0:41:52.787
<i>(imitates plopping sound)</i> Came out.

0:41:52.898,0:41:56.493
And l had my child there,

0:41:56.601,0:41:59.126
firstborn, at home,

0:41:59.237,0:42:02.206
and it does something to you[br]when you become a father.

0:42:02.307,0:42:05.242
You're home, you know, really home.

0:42:05.343,0:42:11.213
And the baby was dirty,[br]she'd made a little poo-poo.

0:42:15.587,0:42:19.148
My wife and l were so happy[br]when the child made the poo-poo.

0:42:20.058,0:42:23.824
We asked the child, <i>(in silly voice)</i> ''Are[br]you the one that made the poo-poo?

0:42:23.929,0:42:26.955
Come on, you made the poo-poo.[br]You can poopy <i>(baby talk)</i> ''

0:42:27.065,0:42:29.898
And the baby say:

0:42:30.001,0:42:32.094
l said, ''That's right, you[br]want to make the poo-poo,

0:42:32.204,0:42:35.264
you poo-poo when[br]you want to poo-poo.''

0:42:37.909,0:42:41.811
And my wife and l were so happy,[br]we showed it to each other.

0:42:42.481,0:42:46.941
<i>(in silly voice)</i> Did you see the poo-poo?[br]Oh, that's a pretty poo-poo.

0:42:47.052,0:42:51.250
<i>(in normal voice)</i> We called our parents[br]up, ''Come over, see the poo-poo.''

0:42:51.356,0:42:55.986
And they came over. ''Oh, my God,[br]will you look at the poo-poo?''

0:43:01.166,0:43:03.327
Two months later,

0:43:03.435,0:43:07.201
God put odor in the poo-poo.

0:43:13.745,0:43:16.270
And it became a mess.

0:43:17.582,0:43:20.244
Parents didn't want to[br]change the child anymore.

0:43:20.619,0:43:24.555
And they talked to the child:[br]''Will you look at what you just did?

0:43:26.057,0:43:30.824
''No, l don't want to see that.[br]You made a mess, yucky, icky.

0:43:30.929,0:43:32.521
Messy!''

0:43:34.499,0:43:38.902
But as l said before, l was[br]there changing my daughter,

0:43:39.004,0:43:42.804
and my father stood over my shoulder,[br]put his head over my shoulder

0:43:42.908,0:43:47.208
and he said,[br]''What have you got there, son?''

0:43:47.312,0:43:49.280
l said, ''lt's a baby.''

0:43:50.248,0:43:55.982
He said, ''Oh, it looks to me like[br]you didn't put the stem on the apple.''

0:44:06.731,0:44:10.098
So l said, ''Yeah, Dad, you're right.''

0:44:10.202,0:44:13.262
<i>(tsks)</i> ''Shame.''

0:44:14.172,0:44:18.006
l said, ''Yeah.'' He said,[br]''Well, you still got another chance.''

0:44:18.109,0:44:21.135
l said, ''l have a lot of chances.[br]Camille's young and l'm young.''

0:44:21.246,0:44:25.376
He said, ''No, l'm not talking about that.[br]l'm talking about this child right here.''

0:44:25.483,0:44:29.943
l said, ''What are you talking about?''[br]He said, ''Well, grab hold of her nose

0:44:30.055,0:44:32.956
and blow real hard in her mouth.''

0:44:45.337,0:44:51.298
Now, as ridiculous as[br]some things may sound,

0:44:52.043,0:44:55.308
there comes a time of desperation,

0:44:56.214,0:44:58.307
when no one's looking,

0:44:59.384,0:45:03.081
that you will give the ridiculous a try.

0:45:04.055,0:45:08.515
Needless to say, l'm happy to[br]announce that she's still a daughter.

0:45:10.929,0:45:14.160
l had trouble putting her eyes back in...

0:45:19.571,0:45:22.597
before my wife came into the room.

0:45:22.707,0:45:26.199
''How did her eyes get out?''[br]l don't know, dear, they just...

0:45:33.785,0:45:39.485
l'm happy to announce also[br]that girls are much cleaner,

0:45:40.592,0:45:43.186
they're much easier to deal with

0:45:43.295,0:45:47.493
in terms of maturity[br]and what's expected of them.

0:45:47.599,0:45:51.296
l have a son. He's 1 1 years old now,

0:45:51.403,0:45:54.065
and l will tell you that

0:45:54.172,0:45:59.633
l don't think that the boy[br]is going to live much longer.

0:46:05.650,0:46:07.379
Now,

0:46:07.485,0:46:11.819
it is not l, nor my wife,

0:46:11.923,0:46:16.451
who are going to destroy this boy.

0:46:17.295,0:46:21.061
He has four sisters,[br]two in front and two in back.

0:46:22.367,0:46:26.929
They have had a meeting about him.

0:46:29.174,0:46:33.042
And l listened to the meeting-[br]they didn't know.

0:46:33.144,0:46:36.580
And even the four-year-old was hostile.

0:46:37.615,0:46:40.015
They're going to kill him.

0:46:43.154,0:46:48.683
l didn't know[br]how serious it is to a female

0:46:48.793,0:46:50.954
that you lift the lid.

0:46:57.068,0:47:02.165
But these women are serious[br]about killing him

0:47:02.240,0:47:05.698
the next time he leaves that lid down.

0:47:09.180,0:47:13.708
See, the only problem l have[br]with him is he won't zip up his fly.

0:47:13.818,0:47:18.312
That bothers me. You know, it's almost[br]a sign of someone who's not intelligent.

0:47:18.423,0:47:23.087
You walk around with your fly open.[br]You say, ''Son, zipper.'' ''Oh, yes.'' Zip.

0:47:23.194,0:47:26.493
But that didn't bother me. Once[br]l went to pick him up at school

0:47:26.598,0:47:30.762
and his class let out[br]and there's about 1 8 1 1 -year-olds,

0:47:30.869,0:47:34.566
and l mean, all of them,[br]they had their fly down.

0:47:35.607,0:47:37.871
So l didn't worry about my son.

0:47:37.976,0:47:41.070
Must be some class thing, you know.

0:47:45.750,0:47:47.718
But, as l said before,

0:47:47.819,0:47:52.984
we found out an awful lot[br]about God and his sense of humor.

0:47:53.091,0:47:56.959
The mother's curse works.[br]My wife and l have five children

0:47:57.061,0:47:59.495
and the reason why[br]we have five children

0:47:59.597,0:48:02.589
is because we do not want six.

0:48:08.873,0:48:13.810
And those we have,[br]we want to get out of the house

0:48:13.912,0:48:16.437
before we die.

0:48:16.548,0:48:18.743
Just to get them out.

0:48:20.718,0:48:25.781
My wife was a beautiful woman

0:48:25.890,0:48:28.256
before the children came.

0:48:28.359,0:48:32.420
l've never met a more[br]beautiful-looking woman,

0:48:32.530,0:48:36.728
in the face, in the body[br]and in the mind, than my wife.

0:48:36.835,0:48:38.962
Then the children came

0:48:39.070,0:48:44.702
and that curse began to take its toll.

0:48:46.611,0:48:50.103
My wife's face began to change.

0:48:50.215,0:48:54.242
The corners of her mouth[br]dropped down,

0:48:54.352,0:48:57.844
and when she talked,[br]her eyebrows went up and down

0:48:57.956,0:49:01.289
and her right hand became deformed.

0:49:01.392,0:49:03.553
When she talked,[br]she shook her finger like this:

0:49:03.661,0:49:06.630
<i>(indistinct scolding)</i>

0:49:09.067,0:49:13.197
That's what the curse did to her.[br]But the reason why the curse works

0:49:13.304,0:49:18.469
is because all children[br]have brain damage.

0:49:18.576,0:49:21.545
And that's what makes[br]the parent's face look like that.

0:49:21.646,0:49:24.513
Now, those of you who have[br]no children, let me describe

0:49:24.616,0:49:28.245
the brain damage. You come[br]in the room with a Coca Cola,

0:49:28.353,0:49:30.844
you set it down,[br]you go to get a newspaper.

0:49:30.955,0:49:34.288
Child comes walking in,[br]grabs the drink, starts to...

0:49:34.392,0:49:37.884
You say, ''Give me that.[br]Didn't l just tell you not to drink it?''

0:49:37.996,0:49:41.727
The child says, ''Uh-huh.''[br]You say, ''What did l just say?''

0:49:41.833,0:49:45.963
<i>(imitating child)</i> ''You said[br]for to not for to drink your drink.''

0:49:46.070,0:49:48.231
So every time l tell you that,[br]don't l? l say,

0:49:48.339,0:49:51.069
''When l have a drink, don't you drink it.[br]Don't l say that?''

0:49:51.175,0:49:54.235
''Uh-huh.'' Now tell me what l said.

0:49:54.345,0:49:57.280
<i>(imitating child)</i> ''You said[br]for to not for to drink your drink.''

0:49:57.382,0:49:59.577
That's right!

0:49:59.684,0:50:04.018
So you put it down, you go to get[br]the paper, the child picks it up again.

0:50:04.122,0:50:06.215
And quickly starts to drink it.

0:50:06.324,0:50:09.418
You say, ''Give me that![br]Didn't l just tell you?''

0:50:09.527,0:50:11.654
''Uh-huh.''

0:50:11.763,0:50:16.200
Well, why did you do it? ''l don't know.''

0:50:16.301,0:50:18.861
Well, that's brain damage!

0:50:19.837,0:50:23.102
lf you know you're not supposed[br]to do something and you do it

0:50:23.207,0:50:27.143
and then people say, ''Why did you[br]do it?'' and you say, ''l don't know.''

0:50:27.245,0:50:29.213
Brain damage.

0:50:29.314,0:50:32.010
And that's what parents[br]have to deal with all day.

0:50:32.116,0:50:36.985
That's all you see, people,[br]''l don't know, l don't know, l don't know.''

0:50:37.088,0:50:40.182
You get two people in the house[br]and they start to yell,

0:50:41.125,0:50:44.561
''Will you stop touching me?[br]Will you stop touching me?''

0:50:44.662,0:50:48.189
And you have to get up[br]and go find out what's going on.

0:50:48.299,0:50:53.396
So you run over and you say, ''What's[br]going on?'' ''Well, she's touching me.''

0:50:53.504,0:50:57.702
So you figure you can solve it.[br]''Look, don't touch her anymore, OK?''

0:50:57.809,0:51:02.644
''Yeah, but she touched me first.''[br]You say, ''Well, why didn't you tell her--''

0:51:02.747,0:51:06.444
Now you're talking like them. ''Why[br]didn't you say you touched her first?''

0:51:06.551,0:51:09.748
''l didn't touch her.''[br]Somebody touched her!

0:51:09.854,0:51:13.813
So you say something brilliant, like,[br]''Look, l don't want anybody in this house

0:51:13.925,0:51:16.951
to touch another person[br]as long as you live.''

0:51:18.663,0:51:21.689
And that's why people[br]look the way they look.

0:51:24.636,0:51:27.298
My parents never smiled,

0:51:27.405,0:51:30.340
because l had brain damage.

0:51:32.010,0:51:36.379
My wife and l don't smile[br]because our children are loaded with it.

0:51:38.449,0:51:40.815
Oh, my parents smile now,

0:51:40.918,0:51:44.513
whenever they come over to my house

0:51:44.622,0:51:47.750
and they see how much[br]trouble l'm having.

0:51:47.859,0:51:49.918
Oh, they have a ball.

0:51:51.029,0:51:54.328
''Having a little trouble, huh, son?''

0:51:58.803,0:52:03.365
l mean, l never thought that l[br]would sound like other parents,

0:52:03.474,0:52:06.500
people l've heard[br]who are ridiculous-sounding,

0:52:06.611,0:52:10.274
or were, before l had children.

0:52:10.948,0:52:14.042
l mean, you call a child, you[br]say, ''Come here, come here.''

0:52:14.152,0:52:16.643
No, they don't hear that. They're gone.

0:52:16.754,0:52:19.188
You say, ''Come here.'' They're just:

0:52:21.259,0:52:24.558
So you have to send[br]a barrage of ''here''s after them.

0:52:24.662,0:52:27.062
''Come here, come here,[br]come here, come here,

0:52:27.165,0:52:29.463
come here! Here!''

0:52:35.440,0:52:38.841
Sound like a tobacco auctioneer.

0:52:39.811,0:52:43.838
<i>(rapidly)</i> Sit down, sit down,[br]sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit!

0:52:48.352,0:52:51.947
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,[br]no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

0:52:53.324,0:52:55.690
Here, here, here. Here!

0:52:57.528,0:52:59.496
Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it,

0:52:59.597,0:53:02.259
stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it!

0:53:09.741,0:53:14.678
l used to think that[br]my father was an idiot

0:53:15.613,0:53:20.949
because the man could not[br]complete a full sentence.

0:53:21.052,0:53:25.648
l now understand[br]why he sounded that way.

0:53:25.757,0:53:29.056
See, when you're a father,[br]you censor yourself.

0:53:29.160,0:53:32.391
You try not to curse.[br]You get just as angry with a child

0:53:32.497,0:53:36.058
and you don't want to say[br]''What the filth and l'll bust your filth

0:53:36.167,0:53:41.036
''and foul and l'll filth your face[br]and yeah, you filthin' foul foul filth

0:53:41.139,0:53:45.337
and l'll filth in your foul filth.''[br]You don't want to say that to a child

0:53:45.443,0:53:48.537
so you censor yourself[br]and you sound like an idiot.

0:53:48.646,0:53:50.705
Say, what the...

0:53:51.048,0:53:53.278
Get your...

0:53:53.551,0:53:55.519
l'll put a...

0:53:56.954,0:53:59.286
Get out of my face!

0:54:10.568,0:54:13.093
So you... my wife...

0:54:14.772,0:54:17.434
See, mothers look like this.

0:54:18.476,0:54:21.445
Fathers have a different look.[br]Theirs is like:

0:54:28.186,0:54:32.953
And fathers always say the same[br]thing: ''Where's your mother?''

0:54:45.870,0:54:50.967
l flew from Hartford, Connecticut[br]to Las Vegas

0:54:51.075,0:54:54.306
just within the last...

0:54:54.412,0:54:56.380
few years.

0:54:59.617,0:55:04.077
l will never forget a mother,

0:55:04.188,0:55:06.418
aged 30 through...

0:55:08.292,0:55:12.524
Got on the plane.[br]Very attractive-looking woman,

0:55:12.630,0:55:15.497
well-built, lovely face,

0:55:15.600,0:55:19.627
hair put up in a bun, sprayed heavily.

0:55:21.539,0:55:25.771
Earrings, looking very[br]upper-middle income.

0:55:25.877,0:55:28.710
Gold on the fingers.

0:55:28.813,0:55:33.113
And she had with her little Jeffrey.

0:55:34.819,0:55:40.348
Jeffrey's <i>(imitating child)</i> four years old.[br]<i>(in normal voice)</i> l know that because

0:55:40.458,0:55:42.653
Jeffrey kept walking around the plane,

0:55:42.760,0:55:46.526
just anybody, he'd say,[br]''l'm four years old.

0:55:47.198,0:55:49.257
''l'm four-l'm four years old.

0:55:49.367,0:55:53.997
l was three, but now l'm four years old.''

0:55:54.105,0:55:56.130
Little Jeffrey.

0:55:56.240,0:56:00.336
l remember his name, not because[br]he said to me, ''l'm four years old,''

0:56:00.678,0:56:05.274
but because Jeffrey's mother[br]said his name

0:56:05.383,0:56:09.217
all 2,500 miles of the trip.

0:56:11.555,0:56:15.548
Nobody on first class could[br]sleep because the woman,

0:56:15.660,0:56:17.685
''Jeffrey, will you get down.

0:56:17.795,0:56:20.730
''Jeffrey, don't do that,[br]Jeffrey, come over here.

0:56:20.831,0:56:22.992
''Look at what you've done,[br]Jeffrey, you've kicked the...

0:56:23.100,0:56:25.466
''Jeffrey, will you please...[br]Jeffrey, put your jacket...

0:56:25.569,0:56:27.161
Don't do that, Jeffrey...''

0:56:27.271,0:56:30.468
Jeffrey would stand up in the chair[br]and look at the little man behind.

0:56:30.574,0:56:33.065
''l'm four years old.''

0:56:33.177,0:56:37.477
Nobody could sleep 'cause Jeffrey's up.[br]He'd get out, she'd let him run around.

0:56:37.581,0:56:40.482
He'd run around with chocolate[br]on his hands, put it on your trousers.

0:56:40.584,0:56:41.744
''l'm four years old.''

0:56:41.852,0:56:44.320
''Jeffrey, don't you see[br]what you've done to the man,

0:56:44.422,0:56:48.290
Jeffrey, go to... Sit down, Jeffrey.''[br]She'd sit him down, higher and higher.

0:56:48.392,0:56:51.259
She'd lift him and hold him[br]and let him drop. Boom!

0:56:51.362,0:56:54.798
''Jeffrey, Jeffrey,'' and Jeffrey would[br]<i>(imitates crying)</i>

0:56:54.899,0:56:55.923
''Jeffrey, be quiet.''

0:56:56.033,0:56:57.364
<i>(imitates crying)</i>

0:56:57.468,0:57:00.926
And then Jeffrey would cough.[br]<i>(imitates coughing)</i>

0:57:02.039,0:57:05.202
People began to hate Jeffrey.

0:57:06.477,0:57:09.275
One gentlemen invited Jeffrey[br]into the men's room

0:57:09.380,0:57:12.008
to play with the blue water.

0:57:18.489,0:57:23.392
Emotionally,[br]people began to fear Jeffrey,

0:57:23.494,0:57:25.462
and nobody slept.

0:57:26.864,0:57:30.698
Five minutes before the plane landed,

0:57:30.801,0:57:33.634
Jeffrey fell asleep.

0:57:36.507,0:57:41.410
And grown people in first class[br]took great delight,

0:57:41.512,0:57:43.673
as they walked out,

0:57:43.781,0:57:48.878
in waking Jeffrey up. ''Goodbye, Jeffrey!''

0:57:48.986,0:57:50.954
<i>(imitates crying)</i>

0:57:51.055,0:57:54.149
And they'd laugh. <i>(maniacal laughing)</i>

0:57:54.258,0:57:59.321
Sounding like Renfield.[br]<i>(maniacal laughing)</i>

0:58:02.633,0:58:05.033
And Jeffrey's mother,

0:58:05.136,0:58:07.969
hair mangled

0:58:08.072,0:58:13.442
and just hanging by[br]the ball that was sprayed,

0:58:13.544,0:58:16.672
and the mascara had run

0:58:16.781,0:58:20.877
and the lines caused by her anger

0:58:20.985,0:58:23.613
gone deeper into her face.

0:58:23.721,0:58:25.489
She looked much older,

0:58:25.489,0:58:26.513
She looked much older,

0:58:26.624,0:58:29.457
and she looked tired.

0:58:29.560,0:58:31.619
She picked Jeffrey up.

0:58:31.729,0:58:36.598
Jeffrey's little limp,[br]sleeping body twitched.

0:58:37.935,0:58:39.903
She carried him off.

0:58:40.004,0:58:43.701
There at the end of the runway,[br]at the end of the ramp, rather,

0:58:43.808,0:58:47.869
was Jeffrey's father,[br]smiling, well-tanned,

0:58:47.978,0:58:52.438
little red, white and blue[br]checkered golf pants on,

0:58:52.550,0:58:55.144
short-sleeved shirt.

0:58:55.252,0:58:59.712
And Jeffrey's mother[br]handed Jeffrey to the father

0:58:59.824,0:59:03.055
and punched him dead in the face.

0:59:13.337,0:59:15.498
We don't know why.

0:59:16.540,0:59:19.475
Jeffrey's such a lovely child.

0:59:21.879,0:59:24.245
But you see, they're brain damaged.

0:59:25.916,0:59:30.250
Children doing things:[br]''Will you stop touching me?''

0:59:30.354,0:59:34.814
Psychologists write about[br]a two-year-old child.

0:59:34.925,0:59:38.793
lt's not a two-year-old child[br]that says ''no'' that bothers me.

0:59:38.896,0:59:42.457
lf l can't control that,[br]l might as well give it up.

0:59:42.566,0:59:46.696
You say to a kid, ''Come here,''[br]they say, ''No, you go get it,'' that's yes.

0:59:49.940,0:59:54.468
People don't understand children,[br]especially people who have no children.

0:59:54.578,0:59:58.446
A person with no children says,[br]''Well, l just love children.''

0:59:58.549,1:00:00.517
You say, ''Why?''

1:00:01.719,1:00:04.654
And they say,[br]''Because the child is so truthful.

1:00:04.755,1:00:09.021
Children are truthful, that's what[br]l love about them, they say the truth.''

1:00:09.126,1:00:11.526
That's a lie!

1:00:11.629,1:00:13.995
l got five of them.

1:00:14.098,1:00:17.625
The only time they tell the truth[br]is if they're having pain.

1:00:20.671,1:00:26.075
You get a 1 5-month-old child,[br]knows when to lie.

1:00:27.311,1:00:32.442
You see, the child crawls into[br]the cupboard to get its favorite cookie.

1:00:32.550,1:00:35.485
1 5-month-old child[br]knows where the cupboard is,

1:00:35.586,1:00:38.646
knows where its favorite cookie is,[br]and it will open it up

1:00:38.756,1:00:40.883
and sit down and take the cookie[br]and you go over.

1:00:40.991,1:00:44.552
You try to get the cookie from the child,[br]which is also a contest.

1:00:44.662,1:00:49.497
''Here, let me have it.'' l've tried to[br]take things away from grown people,

1:00:49.600,1:00:53.366
l've never had them say, ''Will you[br]let me have... Give me that thing.

1:00:53.470,1:00:57.236
Here, let me have...[br]l tell you, let me have that thing.''

1:00:57.341,1:01:02.074
But here, a 1 5-month-old child[br]is able to do this and l can't grab it.

1:01:03.113,1:01:06.480
''Here, will you let me have,[br]will you give that thing to me?''

1:01:08.719,1:01:13.053
So l take the cookie. And l take the box

1:01:13.157,1:01:17.355
and l put the cookie in the box[br]and l say, ''You can't have this.

1:01:17.461,1:01:21.397
You understand? l don't[br]want you to have the cookie.''

1:01:21.498,1:01:22.465
Now...

1:01:25.736,1:01:29.900
And l put it way up here.

1:01:30.174,1:01:33.974
Now, this 1 5-month-old child,[br]after l've left the room,

1:01:34.078,1:01:36.273
begins to build

1:01:37.681,1:01:40.980
a very sophisticated ladder,

1:01:41.952,1:01:44.853
climbs up the ladder,

1:01:49.593,1:01:54.053
and begins to try to get the cookie.

1:01:55.099,1:01:59.468
Now, you can hear the paper[br]rustling and that's in your favor

1:01:59.570,1:02:05.440
because a 1 5-month-old child[br]doesn't know that sound travels.

1:02:07.511,1:02:11.914
They're also not bright enough[br]to hire a lookout.

1:02:13.150,1:02:17.086
So you hear the paper rattling[br]and you run

1:02:17.187,1:02:22.022
and there's the child[br]standing there with the cookie.

1:02:22.126,1:02:24.458
So you say, ''What are you doing?''

1:02:24.561,1:02:29.123
Now, this honest child[br]looks at you and says,

1:02:29.233,1:02:32.634
<i>(imitating child)</i> ''l was[br]getting a cookie for you.''

1:02:38.642,1:02:41.042
So you say, ''l don't want a cookie!''

1:02:41.145,1:02:44.706
So then they say, ''Well, can l have it?''

1:02:46.183,1:02:48.617
Don't tell me about the truth!

1:02:53.891,1:02:56.451
Why did you do it? ''l don't know.''

1:03:00.030,1:03:03.158
l came home[br]from playing tennis one day,

1:03:03.267,1:03:07.966
my wife sitting at the end of the table,

1:03:08.939,1:03:10.907
like this:

1:03:13.310,1:03:18.714
So l said, ''Uh-oh.[br]Somebody's in trouble.''

1:03:18.816,1:03:21.478
And l was concerned about myself.

1:03:25.723,1:03:28.521
l'm not the boss of my house.

1:03:28.826,1:03:31.556
l don't know how l lost it.

1:03:32.996,1:03:36.090
l don't know where l lost it.

1:03:36.200,1:03:38.600
l don't think l ever had it.

1:03:40.804,1:03:45.537
But l've seen the boss's job[br]and l don't want it.

1:03:47.511,1:03:51.845
'Cause that's a rough job,[br]dealing with those people all day.

1:03:51.949,1:03:56.215
l mean, just dealing with them[br]for an hour is a mess.

1:03:57.087,1:03:59.487
<i>(imitating child)</i> ''l don't know.''

1:04:01.258,1:04:04.352
But you see, l'm a father,

1:04:04.461,1:04:09.330
and fathers are[br]the geniuses of the house.

1:04:09.433,1:04:13.267
We're the geniuses of the house[br]because only a person

1:04:13.370,1:04:17.204
as intelligent as we

1:04:17.307,1:04:20.435
could fake such stupidity.

1:04:24.948,1:04:26.916
Think about your father.

1:04:27.017,1:04:32.353
He doesn't know where anything is.[br]You ask him to do something,

1:04:32.456,1:04:35.425
he messes it up[br]and your mother sends you down.

1:04:35.526,1:04:37.994
''Will you go down[br]and see what your father's doing

1:04:38.095,1:04:41.394
before he blows the house up, please.''

1:04:41.498,1:04:43.864
That's a genius at work!

1:04:43.967,1:04:47.095
Because he doesn't want to do it

1:04:47.204,1:04:52.471
and he knows someone will be[br]coming soon to stop him from doing it.

1:04:59.750,1:05:04.278
My wife woke me up[br]4:00 in the morning.

1:05:04.388,1:05:08.791
She said, ''l want you to go downstairs

1:05:09.993,1:05:15.192
and cook breakfast for the children.''

1:05:16.467,1:05:19.698
And l looked at the clock.

1:05:21.305,1:05:24.069
l said, ''Dear, it's 6:00 in the morning.''

1:05:24.174,1:05:27.701
She said, ''Exactly. Go down[br]and cook for the children.

1:05:27.811,1:05:29.779
They have to go to school.''

1:05:30.914,1:05:35.351
l said, ''Yes, but to eat at 6:00,

1:05:35.452,1:05:38.717
''isn't that bad for your stomach?

1:05:38.822,1:05:42.087
l mean, they just ate 1 2 hours ago.''

1:05:43.193,1:05:47.459
My wife said, ''Bill, get out of that bed

1:05:48.532,1:05:51.160
''and go downstairs

1:05:51.268,1:05:55.227
and cook breakfast for your children.''

1:05:58.375,1:06:02.141
And l said, ''Well, l don't know[br]what they want to eat.''

1:06:02.212,1:06:05.113
She said, ''lt's down there.

1:06:06.149,1:06:09.641
Now you get out of the bed!''

1:06:11.154,1:06:14.214
l said, ''But where are the pans?

1:06:14.324,1:06:17.418
Do we have pans to cook with?''

1:06:17.528,1:06:23.330
She said, ''Bill, l'm not[br]talking to you anymore.

1:06:23.433,1:06:26.960
''You ask another stupid[br]question, so help me God,

1:06:27.070,1:06:32.702
l'll get the shotgun out of the closet[br]and blow your face off!''

1:06:34.478,1:06:39.074
So l said, ''Well, there's no need[br]to become violent about this.

1:06:40.684,1:06:44.176
''You seem to be[br]having trouble intellectualizing

1:06:44.288,1:06:47.519
on where the cooking apparel is.''

1:06:50.561,1:06:53.689
So l fell back to sleep again.

1:06:56.099,1:06:58.567
The next thing l knew,

1:06:58.669,1:07:01.832
there was a bucket of ice water

1:07:02.739,1:07:05.799
being shaken over my head,

1:07:06.843,1:07:11.780
and this woman that l've been[br]married to for some 1 7 years

1:07:11.882,1:07:14.783
was standing over me, like this:

1:07:17.487,1:07:20.888
''Now you get up[br]and cook some breakfast

1:07:20.991,1:07:25.018
or you're gonna wear[br]this bucket of ice water!''

1:07:27.097,1:07:30.123
So l said, ''You're serious, aren't you?''

1:07:35.939,1:07:37.907
So l got up.

1:07:38.108,1:07:40.906
Needless to say, l was angry.

1:07:42.980,1:07:46.916
And l went downstairs[br]without putting on my robe.

1:07:47.017,1:07:51.215
Standing there in my pajamas[br]and l'm talking to myself.

1:07:51.321,1:07:53.881
l said, ''Get these, go down[br]and cook breakfast,

1:07:53.991,1:07:57.950
but it's 6:00 in the morning,''[br]and l slam the pans down.

1:07:58.061,1:08:00.029
Blam! On the stove.

1:08:00.130,1:08:03.964
And l slam 'em down[br]and go to the refrigerator

1:08:04.067,1:08:08.003
and l look around and l get to[br]the damn bacon, and the sausage!

1:08:08.105,1:08:12.439
Cooking breakfast, 6 o'blam[br]in the morning and l grab the--

1:08:12.542,1:08:15.568
You have to be careful with eggs.

1:08:21.118,1:08:24.884
God! l have to cook breakfast. Boom!

1:08:27.424,1:08:29.756
l turn around.

1:08:31.094,1:08:34.928
The first one down[br]was the four-year-old.

1:08:35.032,1:08:38.866
The child looked lovely,[br]cute little face clean,

1:08:38.969,1:08:43.872
hair in little braids,[br]little things, you know.

1:08:46.076,1:08:49.375
<i>(imitating child)</i> ''Good morn', Daddy.''

1:08:49.479,1:08:52.413
And l said, ''What do you[br]want for breakfast?!''

1:08:52.515,1:08:57.283
And the four-year-old[br]has the ability to see through

1:08:57.386,1:09:00.015
and find the wrong thing.

1:09:02.024,1:09:07.520
And the child saw through[br]my body what was behind me.

1:09:07.631,1:09:11.158
She saw the chocolate cake.[br]And she said,

1:09:11.268,1:09:16.501
''Can l have the chocolate cake?''[br]And l said, ''Chocolate cake? Where?''

1:09:16.606,1:09:19.871
She said, ''Chocolate cake behind you.''

1:09:19.975,1:09:23.810
And l looked[br]and there was chocolate cake.

1:09:23.913,1:09:28.908
The child wanted chocolate cake[br]for breakfast.

1:09:29.019,1:09:30.854
How ridiculous. And l said...

1:09:30.854,1:09:33.379
How ridiculous. And l said...

1:09:33.490,1:09:37.118
and someone in my brain looked[br]under ''chocolate cake''

1:09:37.227,1:09:41.254
and saw the ingredients: eggs!

1:09:41.363,1:09:44.765
Eggs are in chocolate cake!

1:09:44.868,1:09:47.098
And milk!

1:09:47.203,1:09:49.171
Oh, goody!

1:09:49.272,1:09:51.502
And wheat!

1:09:51.608,1:09:55.476
That's nutrition. What do you want?

1:09:55.579,1:09:58.878
- ''Can l have some chocolate cake?''[br]- Chocolate cake, coming up!

1:09:58.982,1:10:00.142
<i>(imitates slicing)</i>

1:10:00.250,1:10:03.413
Sliced it for her and served it.

1:10:03.520,1:10:06.421
Now, you need something to[br]drink with the chocolate cake,

1:10:06.523,1:10:08.718
something breakfast.

1:10:08.825,1:10:12.784
- Grapefruit juice![br]- <i>(woman in audience)</i> No-o-o!

1:10:14.197,1:10:16.688
This is not your child!

1:10:21.204,1:10:24.469
So l give the child[br]a glass of grapefruit juice

1:10:24.574,1:10:27.509
and chocolate cake. Nutrition!

1:10:27.611,1:10:32.947
Eggs, milk and wheat[br]in the chocolate cake,

1:10:33.049,1:10:37.110
and l didn't have to cook.

1:10:37.220,1:10:39.711
And the other four came downstairs

1:10:39.823,1:10:43.953
and when they came downstairs,[br]those of you who have children,

1:10:44.060,1:10:48.588
you've seen them[br]come downstairs for school:

1:10:48.698,1:10:51.667
<i>(imitating sluggish children)</i>

1:10:58.041,1:11:02.171
And they got to the kitchen:[br]<i>(imitating sluggish children)</i>

1:11:04.714,1:11:09.651
and they saw the four-year-old[br]eating chocolate cake.

1:11:12.422,1:11:16.620
And they said ''Dad!

1:11:17.694,1:11:20.458
Where did she get the chocolate cake?''

1:11:20.564,1:11:23.533
They went to the child and said,[br]''How did you get chocolate cake?''

1:11:23.633,1:11:28.070
She said,[br]''Dad gave me chocolate cake.''

1:11:28.171,1:11:31.402
And they looked at me and they said...

1:11:31.508,1:11:33.476
<i>(in pleading voice)</i> ''Father...

1:11:38.215,1:11:41.343
could we have chocolate cake?''

1:11:42.385,1:11:47.345
And their father said, ''Chocolate cake[br]coming up! Four slices.''

1:11:47.457,1:11:49.425
<i>(imitates slicing sound)</i>

1:11:50.760,1:11:53.126
And grapefruit juice.

1:11:53.230,1:11:56.791
And five children sat at breakfast.

1:11:58.235,1:12:02.001
And the morning music was playing:[br]<i>(imitates bass guitar)</i>

1:12:02.105,1:12:04.903
And they were eating chocolate cake.

1:12:06.843,1:12:08.936
And singing songs to me:

1:12:09.045,1:12:11.513
<i>d</i> Dad is great!

1:12:13.750,1:12:16.583
<i>d</i> Gave us the chocolate cake!

1:12:19.723,1:12:24.183
And we had a ball, until...

1:12:35.739,1:12:39.470
She came down like this:

1:12:42.412,1:12:46.849
And when she saw[br]what the children were eating...

1:12:48.318,1:12:53.847
l've always heard about[br]people having a conniption,

1:12:55.859,1:12:58.157
but l'd never seen one.

1:12:59.195,1:13:02.028
You don't want to see 'em.

1:13:02.132,1:13:04.430
My wife's face...

1:13:06.436,1:13:08.404
split.

1:13:09.839,1:13:14.776
The skin and hair split[br]and came off of her face

1:13:14.878,1:13:19.144
so that there was nothing[br]except the skull

1:13:19.249,1:13:23.413
and orange light came out of her hair

1:13:23.520,1:13:26.080
and it lit all around

1:13:26.189,1:13:29.852
and fire shot from her eye sockets

1:13:29.960,1:13:34.124
and began to burn my stomach[br]and she said

1:13:34.230,1:13:39.532
<i>(in screechy voice)</i> ''Where did[br]they get chocolate cake from?!''

1:13:39.636,1:13:43.231
And l said, ''They asked for it!''

1:13:43.340,1:13:48.573
And the children who had[br]been singing praises to me

1:13:48.678,1:13:51.875
lied on me

1:13:51.982,1:13:54.314
and said, ''Uh-uh!

1:13:54.417,1:13:57.875
''We asked for eggs and milk

1:13:57.988,1:14:01.219
and Dad made us eat this!''

1:14:10.000,1:14:15.302
And my wife sent me to my room.

1:14:18.174,1:14:22.133
Which is where l wanted[br]to go in the first place.

1:14:25.749,1:14:29.480
So you see, we are dumb,

1:14:30.286,1:14:33.153
but we are not so dumb.

1:14:34.457,1:14:39.394
lt takes great thinking and work[br]to keep from working.

1:14:43.133,1:14:45.897
But the brain-damaged people

1:14:47.904,1:14:50.668
drive your face...

1:14:52.876,1:14:56.368
Why did you do that?[br]<i>(imitating child)</i> ''l don't know.''

1:14:56.479,1:14:59.937
Sometimes you hear it in your sleep.

1:15:00.050,1:15:02.143
''l don't know.''

1:15:05.588,1:15:07.886
We have a three-year-old.

1:15:09.292,1:15:12.022
Everything she wants,

1:15:12.128,1:15:15.529
she thinks it's all right just to take it.

1:15:16.733,1:15:20.635
Well, sometimes it[br]belongs to someone else.

1:15:20.737,1:15:26.141
So the others say, ''Give this[br]back. This belongs to me.''

1:15:26.242,1:15:31.441
And the three-year-old says,[br]<i>(piercing voice)</i> ''Mine! Mine! Mine!''

1:15:32.182,1:15:36.312
And this sound travels[br]through the house

1:15:37.787,1:15:43.726
and the vibrations seek out[br]a grown person's spinal cord

1:15:46.196,1:15:51.862
and it makes the legs go up[br]and down and you have to get up

1:15:51.968,1:15:55.699
and find out where[br]the sound is coming from.

1:15:55.805,1:15:57.773
<i>(piercing voice)</i> ''Mine! Mine!''

1:15:57.874,1:16:01.139
And you see this child[br]pulling on something and yelling,

1:16:01.244,1:16:03.474
<i>(piercing voice)</i> ''Mine!''[br]And at the end of it

1:16:03.580,1:16:06.413
is an older child mumbling,[br]''No, you got this out of my room.''

1:16:06.516,1:16:10.577
And you go up quickly[br]and you hit the older child.

1:16:10.687,1:16:14.418
''Why don't you lay off?[br]Don't you hear her yelling?!''

1:16:14.524,1:16:18.358
Because parents are not[br]interested in justice...

1:16:18.461,1:16:20.622
they want quiet.

1:16:28.171,1:16:31.902
The older child ran off crying[br]and l said, ''Just shut up!

1:16:32.008,1:16:35.944
''She's got stuff that belongs to me, too!

1:16:39.382,1:16:42.977
Think you're by yourself[br]in this, you're crazy!''

1:16:49.292,1:16:53.092
l came home from playing tennis,[br]as l said before.

1:16:54.197,1:16:56.791
My wife was like this,

1:16:56.900,1:17:00.631
and l was hoping that l wasn't the one

1:17:00.737,1:17:03.934
she was looking like that about.

1:17:04.040,1:17:07.498
And l went up to her[br]and l kissed her on the cheek.

1:17:07.610,1:17:10.477
l said, ''How you feeling, Pud?''

1:17:10.580,1:17:13.640
She said, ''l want you...

1:17:13.750,1:17:16.742
''to go upstairs...

1:17:18.922,1:17:22.119
and kill that boy.''

1:17:26.362,1:17:29.889
And l said, ''Right!''

1:17:29.999,1:17:34.459
'Cause l was happy[br]l wasn't the one in trouble.

1:17:34.571,1:17:36.903
Kill the boy, kill the boy.

1:17:37.006,1:17:39.065
Yes, master. Yes, master.

1:17:39.175,1:17:43.043
<i>(maniacal laughter)</i>

1:17:43.146,1:17:46.309
So l go to kill my son.

1:17:46.416,1:17:48.384
He was in the room,

1:17:48.484,1:17:53.786
looking pitiful. And l can understand that

1:17:53.890,1:17:57.223
because my mother sent me[br]to the room many times.

1:17:57.327,1:18:01.821
''Your father comes home, he's going[br]to shoot you in the face with a bazooka.

1:18:03.099,1:18:06.500
''And l am not going to[br]stop him this time, either.

1:18:06.603,1:18:10.664
''You know, he's always[br]wanted to kill you.

1:18:10.773,1:18:13.674
''The day you were born,[br]he said, 'Kill it.'

1:18:14.611,1:18:18.604
''l stopped him from[br]killing you for 1 1 years.

1:18:23.052,1:18:27.716
<i>(sobbing)</i> And this is the thanks[br]l get for saving your life!''

1:18:30.293,1:18:32.261
<i>(sniffs)</i>

1:18:34.497,1:18:38.490
l looked at him, l said,

1:18:38.601,1:18:41.468
''Your mother sent me here to kill you.''

1:18:43.172,1:18:45.402
He said, ''Uh-huh.''

1:18:49.045,1:18:52.014
l looked at him

1:18:52.115,1:18:56.142
and l noticed that on top of his head,

1:18:57.453,1:19:01.890
from here all the way around to here,

1:19:02.792,1:19:05.818
there was no hair.

1:19:11.501,1:19:13.901
So l said, ''Uh...

1:19:16.606,1:19:18.870
son.''

1:19:18.975,1:19:20.943
Called him son...

1:19:22.679,1:19:24.647
l said,

1:19:26.749,1:19:29.980
''What happened to your hair?''

1:19:30.920,1:19:33.354
He said, ''l don't know.''

1:19:40.730,1:19:45.690
l said, ''Son, take your hand

1:19:45.802,1:19:48.999
''and put it on top of your head

1:19:49.105,1:19:51.539
and tell me what you feel.''

1:19:53.176,1:19:55.872
He said, ''There's no hair.''

1:19:55.978,1:19:58.071
l said, ''Right!

1:19:58.181,1:20:03.346
Now tell Dad[br]what happened to your hair.''

1:20:03.453,1:20:06.047
He said, ''l don't know.''

1:20:06.155,1:20:08.885
l said, ''Son,

1:20:08.991,1:20:13.792
was your head with you all day today?''

1:20:17.533,1:20:19.592
He said, ''Uh-huh.''

1:20:20.970,1:20:24.906
- l said, ''Did you cut your hair off?''[br]- He said, ''Uh-huh.''

1:20:25.007,1:20:27.134
l said, ''Then why[br]didn't you tell me that?''

1:20:27.243,1:20:30.110
He said, ''l don't know.''

1:20:31.080,1:20:34.106
l said, ''ls this the hairstyle you wanted?''

1:20:34.217,1:20:36.412
He said, ''Uh-huh.''

1:20:36.519,1:20:39.682
l said, ''A reversed Mohawk?!''

1:20:42.692,1:20:46.788
So l went back downstairs,[br]my wife said, ''Did you kill him?''

1:20:46.896,1:20:50.957
l said, ''No.'' She said, ''Why?''[br]l said, ''l don't know.''

1:21:07.483,1:21:10.782
Are you guys married?[br]Oh, yeah? How long?

1:21:10.887,1:21:14.050
- <i>(man)</i> Three years.[br]- Three years. Yeah.

1:21:14.157,1:21:17.854
And you're still holding hands?

1:21:17.960,1:21:20.360
Weird people.

1:21:25.568,1:21:27.160
- Are you married?[br]- <i>(man #2)</i> Yeah.

1:21:27.270,1:21:30.103
- How many years?[br]- <i>(man #2)</i> 35.

1:21:30.206,1:21:32.697
35? Where's your wife?

1:21:32.809,1:21:34.777
<i>(audience laughing)</i>

1:21:52.728,1:21:54.923
l found out that

1:21:56.432,1:22:01.961
the male does not[br]pay attention to the vows.

1:22:02.071,1:22:05.040
The male does not[br]pay attention to those vows.

1:22:05.141,1:22:07.109
The female does.

1:22:07.210,1:22:10.805
See, you ask a male, you say, um,

1:22:10.913,1:22:13.677
''Can you repeat the part with the vows?

1:22:13.783,1:22:17.082
''No, not 'Dearly beloved,[br]we are gathered here to witness

1:22:17.186,1:22:19.848
'in all the face and the thing...'''[br]you know...

1:22:21.157,1:22:22.291
But l do duly, doth-ly, solely...

1:22:22.291,1:22:26.125
But l do duly, doth-ly, solely...

1:22:27.797,1:22:31.995
promise... to! to!

1:22:32.101,1:22:35.434
promise to cherish...

1:22:36.372,1:22:38.932
The male can remember cherish.

1:22:39.041,1:22:42.602
The male can remember honor,

1:22:42.712,1:22:44.976
love and then you say, ''What else?''

1:22:45.081,1:22:49.040
and they say, ''Till death do us part.''

1:22:49.151,1:22:52.746
Now when you ask the female,[br]you say, ''Do you remember the vows?''

1:22:52.855,1:22:55.483
She says, ''Yes.'' You say,[br]''Well, what do you remember?''

1:22:55.591,1:22:57.821
She says, ''Obey.''

1:23:01.430,1:23:04.729
You say, ''What about it?''[br]She say, ''Well, he's obeying.

1:23:04.834,1:23:07.166
And he better obey.''

1:23:09.171,1:23:13.540
And that is how you become the boss,

1:23:14.443,1:23:19.642
because you get the male to obey.[br]He's got to obey.

1:23:19.749,1:23:24.083
l mean, he just doesn't[br]have anything else to do.

1:23:24.186,1:23:25.380
Obey.

1:23:25.488,1:23:27.854
And it's a funny-sounding word, obey.

1:23:27.957,1:23:30.016
Sounds like pig Latin.

1:23:31.627,1:23:33.254
Obey.

1:23:33.362,1:23:35.330
Obey.

1:23:36.432,1:23:39.026
Oh, yea, obey.

1:23:41.537,1:23:45.633
Anyway, my wife is the boss

1:23:46.742,1:23:49.074
and as l said before, l don't want her job,

1:23:49.178,1:23:53.114
l've seen it. lt's a horrible job.

1:23:53.215,1:23:57.515
And l still don't understand[br]how she's going to outlive me.

1:24:02.491,1:24:05.460
'Cause anybody who's[br]gotta deal emotionally

1:24:05.561,1:24:09.463
with those people[br]and can still outlive me,

1:24:09.565,1:24:12.534
there's something wrong with me.[br]l must be sick.

1:24:16.372,1:24:19.364
Let me give you an example[br]of what l call,

1:24:19.475,1:24:22.706
''the same thing happens every night.''

1:24:25.114,1:24:28.481
lt's supper time.[br]Do you have children? How old?

1:24:28.584,1:24:30.882
- <i>(man)</i> They're grown now.[br]- They're grown now.

1:24:30.987,1:24:33.820
But how many did you have? Two. OK.

1:24:33.923,1:24:36.517
That qualifies. That qualifies.

1:24:36.626,1:24:40.323
Because a person with one child,[br]l don't call them really a parent

1:24:40.429,1:24:42.795
because there are[br]too many things left out.

1:24:42.898,1:24:45.765
lf you just have one child,[br]there are too many things left out.

1:24:45.868,1:24:49.668
For instance, if something's[br]broken in the house,

1:24:49.772,1:24:53.731
you have one child, you know who did it.

1:24:55.211,1:24:57.179
See, you don't have to go through

1:24:57.279,1:24:59.941
<i>(imitating child)</i> ''l-l-l...''

1:25:01.017,1:25:03.485
You know the child did it.

1:25:05.021,1:25:07.956
Also, people with one child[br]do not have to go through,

1:25:08.057,1:25:11.117
''Will you stop touching me?''

1:25:11.227,1:25:13.559
lf you got one child[br]and the child's doing that,

1:25:13.663,1:25:16.427
then you got to take it away, you know.

1:25:29.145,1:25:34.344
Now the same thing[br]happens every night.

1:25:35.151,1:25:37.676
We have five children.[br]They sit in the center.

1:25:37.787,1:25:40.415
My wife is at this end, l'm at this end.

1:25:40.523,1:25:42.889
And our children enjoy their dinner

1:25:42.992,1:25:47.588
because my wife allows them to[br]listen to their music. So you get:

1:25:47.697,1:25:49.927
<i>(imitates bass guitar)</i>

1:25:50.032,1:25:52.660
And the children eat and they:

1:26:07.349,1:26:10.147
l don't look at 'em, l just keep...

1:26:17.326,1:26:19.453
Now, my wife looks the situation over

1:26:19.562,1:26:25.364
and she can tell when the children[br]are not going to eat any more.

1:26:25.468,1:26:29.768
See, she can tell. They've[br]fooled around long enough.

1:26:29.872,1:26:32.500
''All right, now, you've[br]fooled around long enough.

1:26:32.608,1:26:36.100
Everybody get up from the table.''[br]My wife says this every night.

1:26:36.378,1:26:41.645
''Everybody get up[br]from the table, go upstairs,

1:26:41.751,1:26:45.187
''take off all your clothes,

1:26:45.287,1:26:47.915
''get into the shower,

1:26:48.023,1:26:51.083
please turn on the water...''

1:26:51.193,1:26:54.560
You have to tell them to do that

1:26:54.663,1:26:58.599
because if you don't,[br]they'll just wander around the tub.

1:27:03.939,1:27:06.567
And then get out and get in the bed.

1:27:08.077,1:27:11.012
''Please use soap.''

1:27:12.047,1:27:14.675
That's mostly for my son.

1:27:14.784,1:27:18.083
''Rinse yourselves off, dry yourselves off,

1:27:18.354,1:27:22.381
''put on clean pajamas, get into the bed

1:27:22.491,1:27:24.459
and go to sleep.''

1:27:24.560,1:27:30.521
Now, if these brain-damaged[br]children would do that,

1:27:30.633,1:27:33.431
there would be no beatings.

1:27:34.570,1:27:39.132
But there's going to be a beating tonight.

1:27:41.143,1:27:43.668
And the children get up to go upstairs

1:27:43.779,1:27:48.079
and l kiss them goodnight[br]and l try to warn them:

1:27:48.184,1:27:53.087
''Please, do what your mother says

1:27:53.189,1:27:56.488
or somebody's gonna get it tonight.''

1:27:56.592,1:28:00.528
And the children kiss me[br]and they pat me on my head

1:28:00.629,1:28:04.292
and they smile and look at me[br]as if to say, ''Dear man,

1:28:04.400,1:28:07.028
''thank you for your kindness

1:28:07.136,1:28:11.163
''and your wonderful attitude[br]about this whole situation,

1:28:11.273,1:28:15.505
''but you don't understand.[br]We cannot sleep through the night

1:28:15.611,1:28:19.672
unless we've had a good beating.''

1:28:22.151,1:28:25.416
And so they go upstairs[br]and l can tell they're gonna get it

1:28:25.521,1:28:28.285
'cause they've started already[br]before they even get upstairs.

1:28:28.390,1:28:31.018
''Will you stop touching me![br]And you're touching me,

1:28:31.126,1:28:32.957
you stop, you're touching me.''

1:28:33.062,1:28:36.327
<i>(piercing voice)</i> ''Mine, mine, mine!''

1:28:36.432,1:28:38.662
Now they get upstairs[br]and all you hear is:

1:28:38.767,1:28:41.759
<i>(imitates sound of footsteps)</i>

1:28:41.871,1:28:44.567
Now my wife talks to the ceiling:

1:28:53.782,1:28:56.080
''All right, up there!

1:28:57.720,1:29:01.486
''l know you don't[br]want me to come up there.

1:29:03.893,1:29:07.522
l don't hear any water running.''

1:29:07.630,1:29:11.999
Now downstairs comes[br]our seven-year-old.

1:29:12.835,1:29:14.803
The informer.

1:29:21.110,1:29:24.568
This is the same child[br]that my wife sends with me

1:29:24.680,1:29:27.774
whenever l'm going out somewhere.

1:29:32.121,1:29:35.921
The informer's favorite words[br]are ''guess what.''

1:29:37.626,1:29:40.527
<i>(imitating child)</i> ''Um, um, um, Mom?

1:29:40.629,1:29:43.826
''Um, um, um, Mom, um, um, um,

1:29:43.933,1:29:46.731
''Ennis is upstairs in trouble

1:29:46.835,1:29:50.430
''and so l want to, um,[br]get into the shower

1:29:50.539,1:29:55.067
''and so then, um, he took, um, the towel

1:29:55.177,1:29:59.443
and popped me on my behind.''

1:30:00.449,1:30:04.476
''Go upstairs and tell Ennis[br]l said not to do that anymore.''

1:30:04.586,1:30:09.080
<i>(imitating child)</i> ''But, Mom, l already[br]told him so then he took the towel,

1:30:09.191,1:30:12.024
''so, guess what?

1:30:12.127,1:30:16.063
''Um, Ennis popped me on[br]the behind with the towel so l said,

1:30:16.165,1:30:21.831
'l'm gonna tell Mom on you.'''

1:30:22.938,1:30:27.034
''Go upstairs and tell him l said not to[br]do it again and take your clothes off.''

1:30:27.142,1:30:31.010
<i>(imitating child)</i> ''OK, but l know he's[br]just gonna pop me in the behind again

1:30:31.113,1:30:34.082
'cause he's always popping people.''

1:30:34.183,1:30:37.675
Four minutes later,[br]downstairs comes the four-year-old.

1:30:37.786,1:30:40.653
She is naked and wet.

1:30:42.157,1:30:46.992
Shampoo in her hair has run into her[br]eye. She is running in place and yelling.

1:30:47.096,1:30:49.690
<i>(imitates yelling)</i>

1:30:49.798,1:30:52.426
Walking with her, also naked and wet

1:30:52.534,1:30:55.731
with a smile on her face, is the informer.

1:30:56.705,1:30:59.435
<i>(imitating child)</i> ''See, Mom, l told you.

1:30:59.541,1:31:02.169
''Ennis took and poured water[br]on the baby and the shampoo

1:31:02.277,1:31:06.145
run into her eye[br]and she may be blinded for life.''

1:31:07.850,1:31:11.217
Now my son, who is 1 1 years old,[br]comes downstairs.

1:31:11.320,1:31:14.915
He has on his pajamas.[br]They are stuck to his body

1:31:15.024,1:31:17.492
because he forgot to dry himself.

1:31:19.661,1:31:22.061
<i>(imitating son)</i> ''l'm trying to[br]take a shower upstairs

1:31:22.164,1:31:24.496
''and so then they come in the shower.[br]l told them l'm too grown

1:31:24.600,1:31:29.003
for them to be showering with me--''[br]The baby turns and kicks him.

1:31:29.104,1:31:31.163
The seven-year-old punches him.[br]<i>(imitates punching)</i>

1:31:31.440,1:31:34.932
He punches the baby,[br]shoves the seven-year-old.

1:31:35.044,1:31:38.502
They're fighting. <i>(imitates bickering)</i>

1:31:38.614,1:31:42.573
My wife turns around, grabs a yardstick.

1:31:43.919,1:31:47.446
She holds it like a samurai warrior.

1:31:48.490,1:31:53.985
She then makes an announcement[br]that the beatings will now begin

1:31:55.230,1:31:58.859
by saying, ''l have had

1:31:58.967,1:32:01.959
enough of this.''

1:32:02.071,1:32:07.976
Now these three brain-damaged people[br]have the nerve to look surprised.

1:32:11.380,1:32:14.816
My wife is... <i>(imitates flying yardstick)</i>[br]Children run everywhere.

1:32:14.917,1:32:18.614
Now my job is, l am the goalie.

1:32:20.189,1:32:23.989
The children come at me,[br]l kick 'em back into play.

1:32:27.663,1:32:32.191
Now the beatings are over,[br]not because l see my wife,

1:32:32.301,1:32:34.462
but because l hear all of upstairs going:

1:32:34.570,1:32:36.538
<i>(imitates sobbing)</i>

1:32:40.442,1:32:42.967
Now here's the funny part:

1:32:44.079,1:32:47.105
my wife comes downstairs[br]with the broken stick,

1:32:47.216,1:32:49.776
throws it on the table,

1:32:49.885,1:32:54.948
sits down and begins to talk out loud to

1:32:55.057,1:32:57.025
nobody.

1:32:59.161,1:33:02.028
''Gonna tell me that you're[br]not going to do something

1:33:02.131,1:33:06.761
''when l tell you to do something.[br]l mean, you move when l say move.

1:33:07.636,1:33:10.867
''Think l carried you[br]in my body for nine months

1:33:10.973,1:33:13.567
''so you can roll your eyes at me?

1:33:13.675,1:33:15.643
''l'll roll that little head of yours

1:33:15.744,1:33:20.078
''down on the floor. You don't[br]know who you're fooling with.

1:33:20.182,1:33:23.515
l'll beat you until[br]you can't grow anymore.''

1:33:33.962,1:33:37.989
So funny.[br]My wife and l didn't ask for this.

1:33:38.834,1:33:42.827
We just asked for some children[br]we could send to college.

1:33:47.576,1:33:52.172
My mother and father come over[br]to the house quite often.

1:33:53.148,1:33:55.480
They're grandparents now.

1:33:56.885,1:33:59.479
Funny. They're funny people.

1:34:00.088,1:34:03.956
l've never seen such a[br]turnaround in all my life.

1:34:05.894,1:34:10.661
My father came over[br]to the house, sat down,

1:34:10.766,1:34:15.430
went into his pocket[br]and pulled out a handful of money.

1:34:15.537,1:34:19.166
He began to pass it out[br]to the children, you know.

1:34:19.274,1:34:22.402
He made the announcement:[br]''Now let's see if Granddad has

1:34:22.511,1:34:25.503
any money for[br]these wonderful children.''

1:34:25.614,1:34:29.710
Well, five children came from[br]everywhere. <i>(whooshing sound)</i>

1:34:30.752,1:34:35.849
See, the priorities are there.[br]''Money for the children.''

1:34:35.958,1:34:39.826
They heard that,[br]understood it and responded.

1:34:41.063,1:34:43.725
Anything else is[br]<i>(irritably)</i> ''money for the children.''

1:34:43.832,1:34:48.166
You have to say it like that. <i>(irritably)</i>[br]''Come here, come here, come here.''

1:34:48.270,1:34:51.728
<i>(in normal voice)</i> So they can hear.

1:34:51.840,1:34:57.676
My father began to pass[br]this money out and l thought,

1:34:57.779,1:35:03.376
''This is the same man[br]who, when l was his child,

1:35:03.485,1:35:06.386
''l would ask him for 50 cents,

1:35:06.488,1:35:09.719
this man would tell me his life story.''

1:35:13.795,1:35:17.959
And my father never told a happy story.

1:35:18.066,1:35:21.297
For 50 cents[br]there never was happiness.

1:35:21.403,1:35:27.103
The man ate dirt[br]till he was 30 years old.

1:35:28.010,1:35:31.002
That's all there was, was dirt.

1:35:31.113,1:35:35.812
And he was thankful to eat that dirt.[br]That's the part l couldn't understand.

1:35:35.917,1:35:38.317
No matter how much he suffered,[br]he'd always say,

1:35:38.420,1:35:41.412
''And l was thankful to get it!''

1:35:42.457,1:35:46.723
My father walked to school,

1:35:46.828,1:35:49.592
4:00 every morning,

1:35:49.698,1:35:52.462
with no shoes on,

1:35:52.567,1:35:54.797
uphill,

1:35:54.903,1:35:57.098
both ways,

1:35:58.774,1:36:03.768
in five feet of snow, and he was thankful.

1:36:07.449,1:36:10.646
l asked my father to give me[br]a dollar for the school picnic.

1:36:10.752,1:36:15.951
He told me how he killed a grizzly bear[br]with his loose-leaf notebook.

1:36:19.161,1:36:21.789
Now he's giving money away.

1:36:22.798,1:36:24.766
My mother kisses every child.

1:36:24.866,1:36:28.029
''Just come here and kiss your[br]grandmommy.'' <i>(imitates kissing)</i>

1:36:28.136,1:36:32.072
''Grandmommy just love you to death.''[br]My children think that my mother's

1:36:32.174,1:36:34.608
the most wonderful person[br]on the face of this earth.

1:36:34.710,1:36:40.080
And l keep telling my children, ''That's[br]not the same woman l grew up with.

1:36:40.182,1:36:44.915
You're looking at an old person[br]who's trying to get into heaven now.''

1:36:54.129,1:36:58.429
Yes, my mother, now a grandmother,[br]same woman, when l was her child,

1:36:58.533,1:37:02.663
could not stand my room. The woman[br]would come look at my room and say,

1:37:02.771,1:37:07.799
''Would you look at this filth?'' Now,[br]l've already been in the room five hours.

1:37:07.909,1:37:10.207
She wants me to look at it.

1:37:10.312,1:37:12.906
<i>(imitating mother)</i> ''l said 'look at it!'''

1:37:15.884,1:37:19.479
My mother was an authority on pigsties.

1:37:20.455,1:37:24.721
''This is the worst-looking pigsty[br]l have ever seen in my life!

1:37:25.794,1:37:28.729
''And l want it cleaned up right now.

1:37:28.830,1:37:32.163
How anyone can live in[br]this filth is beyond me.''

1:37:33.068,1:37:35.730
l love it when they give you[br]''another think coming.''

1:37:35.837,1:37:39.933
''lf you think that l was put[br]on this earth to be your slave,

1:37:40.041,1:37:43.204
you've got another think coming.''

1:37:47.849,1:37:50.317
And mothers are always[br]more interested in

1:37:50.419,1:37:53.286
the condition of your underwear[br]than your body

1:37:53.388,1:37:56.448
if you're ever in an accident.

1:37:56.558,1:37:58.685
And they tell you that.[br]''l hope for my sake,

1:37:58.794,1:38:03.254
if you're ever in an accident,[br]you have on clean underwear.''

1:38:03.365,1:38:06.960
Well, l thought that's what[br]an accident was.

1:38:09.137,1:38:11.970
Look, you're driving a truck,

1:38:12.073,1:38:14.564
here comes another truck gonna hit you.

1:38:14.676,1:38:20.512
Now, whether you hit the truck or not,[br]you're going to have soiled underwear,

1:38:22.217,1:38:25.709
because first you say it, then you do it.

1:38:28.323,1:38:31.554
Now here comes your mother[br]to the hospital.

1:38:31.660,1:38:35.323
<i>(imitating mother)</i> ''Did he[br]have on clean underwear?''

1:38:35.430,1:38:39.526
<i>(imitating hospital worker)</i> ''Yes, we[br]found it in the glove compartment.''

1:38:46.575,1:38:50.534
l love it when they get so angry[br]they can't remember your name.

1:38:50.645,1:38:55.673
''You come here, uh, Roy, uh, Roquefort,[br]uh, Rutabaga, what is your name, boy?

1:38:55.784,1:39:00.949
''And don't lie to me 'cause you live here[br]and l'll find out who you are.

1:39:01.056,1:39:03.718
Take a stick and knock your brains out.''

1:39:03.825,1:39:06.692
l always wanted to[br]get some calves' brains,

1:39:06.795,1:39:08.786
keep 'em in my hand.

1:39:08.897,1:39:14.529
My mother'd hit me in the head,[br]l'd throw 'em on the floor.

1:39:14.636,1:39:18.436
But knowing my mother, it wouldn't[br]work. She'd say, ''Put your brains

1:39:18.540,1:39:22.476
''back in your head. Don't you let[br]your brains fall out of your head.

1:39:22.577,1:39:26.377
Have you lost your mind?''[br]And that's another thing:

1:39:26.481,1:39:30.747
they ask you a question, you try[br]and answer, they tell you to shut up!

1:39:30.852,1:39:35.312
''Day and night, night and day,[br]work my fingers to the bone, for what?''

1:39:35.423,1:39:37.448
''l don't--'' ''Shut up!''

1:39:38.393,1:39:42.352
''And when l ask you a question,[br]you keep your trap shut!

1:39:42.464,1:39:48.130
''Think l'm talking[br]to hear myself talk? Answer me!

1:39:50.605,1:39:53.199
''You make me sick!

1:39:53.308,1:39:55.902
''l'm just sick of this and l'm sick of you.

1:39:56.177,1:39:58.668
''So sick l don't know[br]what to do with myself.

1:39:58.780,1:40:00.748
Now l am just sick and tired.''

1:40:00.849,1:40:05.252
''And tired'' always followed ''sick.''[br]Worst beating l ever got in my life,

1:40:05.353,1:40:09.187
my mother said, ''l am just sick--''[br]l said, ''And tired.''

1:40:09.958,1:40:13.155
l don't remember anything after that.

1:40:15.497,1:40:18.660
But, you see, fathers[br]are altogether different.

1:40:18.767,1:40:22.897
l'm not saying they're better.[br]l'm saying they're different.

1:40:23.171,1:40:26.868
See, my father established our[br]relationship when l was seven years old.

1:40:26.975,1:40:31.309
He looked at me, he said, ''l brought[br]you into this world. l'll take you out.

1:40:31.413,1:40:35.509
And it don't make no difference to me.[br]l'll make another one look just like you.''

1:40:36.551,1:40:39.418
And because of my father,[br]between the age of seven through 1 5,

1:40:39.521,1:40:42.046
l thought my name was Jesus Christ.

1:40:43.525,1:40:46.255
He said, ''Jesus Christ!''

1:40:49.097,1:40:53.193
And my brother Russell[br]thought his name was Dammit.

1:40:53.301,1:40:55.735
''Dammit, will you stop all that noise?!''

1:40:55.837,1:40:58.704
''Jesus Christ, sit down!''

1:41:01.910,1:41:04.310
So one day l'm out playing in the rain.

1:41:04.412,1:41:07.040
My father said, ''Dammit,[br]will you get in here!''

1:41:07.148,1:41:10.345
l said, ''Dad, l'm Jesus Christ.''

1:41:18.994,1:41:21.690
But you see, fathers[br]are more fun than mothers

1:41:21.796,1:41:27.063
because fathers are the only people in[br]the house who are allowed to have gas.

1:41:28.803,1:41:33.706
And they don't care either. They just[br]sit right there and <i>(imitates farting)</i>

1:41:36.745,1:41:40.647
And you always know when they're[br]finished 'cause they say, ''Oh, boy.''

1:41:41.349,1:41:45.683
My father would do it[br]and blame it on invisible animals.

1:41:45.787,1:41:49.723
<i>(imitates elephant's trumpeting)</i> ''You[br]see that elephant run under there?''

1:41:49.824,1:41:53.590
And my brother was[br]dumb enough to look for it.

1:41:53.695,1:41:56.664
Now here comes my mother.[br]''All right, dinner-- Oh, Lord,

1:41:56.765,1:41:59.131
what happened in here?''

1:41:59.234,1:42:03.034
He said, ''Mom, there's an[br]elephant under Dad's chair.''

1:42:03.138,1:42:04.196
''Did you see it?''

1:42:04.305,1:42:07.832
''No, but it lifted Dad up about two feet.''

1:42:09.844,1:42:12.176
Do you know my father's favorite game?

1:42:12.280,1:42:15.340
''Come here and pull my finger.''

1:42:20.955,1:42:23.583
Thank you for coming.[br]Take care of yourselves.

1:42:23.692,1:42:25.751
Good night. Thank you.

1:42:25.860,1:42:27.828
<i>Thank you. Thank you.</i>

1:42:27.929,1:42:31.057
<i>(d intro to ''Just the Slew Of Us''</i>[br]<i>by Bill Cosby)</i>

1:42:50.585,1:42:52.849
<i>(girl) Daddy, can we go</i>[br]<i>to the school dance?</i>

1:42:52.954,1:42:56.321
<i>( Cosby) What? Well,</i>[br]<i>what did your mother say?</i>

1:42:56.424,1:42:59.791
<i>Well, tell her</i>[br]<i>don't bother me with that.</i>

1:42:59.894,1:43:04.558
<i>Now take your sister's clothes off</i>[br]<i>and don't wear 'em anymore.</i>

1:43:04.666,1:43:06.031
<i>Yes, I know</i>-- <i>What?</i>

1:43:06.134,1:43:09.331
<i>Now what do you want?</i>[br]<i>Where's your mother?</i>

1:43:09.437,1:43:12.065
<i>Well, don't come to me with that</i>[br]<i>'cause I'm busy doing things.</i>

1:43:12.173,1:43:16.473
<i>And get the dog out of here.</i>[br]<i>The dog does not belong...</i>

1:43:16.578,1:43:19.342
<i>Who took my socks?</i>[br]<i>Did you take my soc</i>--

1:43:19.447,1:43:22.348
<i>I don't care what they're wearing</i>[br]<i>these days, take the socks off.</i>

1:43:22.450,1:43:25.510
<i>And you take off my shirt, too.</i>

1:43:25.620,1:43:31.388
<i>I've never seen a seven-year-old boy</i>[br]<i>wear a size 1 3 shoe.</i>

1:43:37.165,1:43:39.929
<i>d Just the slew of us</i>

1:43:40.034,1:43:44.027
<i>d We can make it,</i>[br]<i>just the slew of us</i>

1:43:45.000,1:43:48.068
Best watched using Open Subtitles MKV Player